#i'm here to write my brain is just telling me

[fuckyeahisawthat]

Furiosa viewing #3 for me last night and I figured something out. I have heard multiple people say that the pacing of the movie felt off or weird or even "slow," even though the plot consistently moves along at a brisk clip. But what people were noticing was not the speed of the story but the structure.

I realized the pacing feels weird because the movie has two third acts.

The overwhelming majority of movies released by Hollywood studios follow a very standardized three-act structure. This is certainly not the only way to structure a film story, but it's the most common one in the Anglophone film world, so common that you have probably absorbed its pattern without even thinking about it. The previous Mad Max movies do generally fit this structure, and Fury Road fits it like, down to the minute.

When we get to the big fight sequence at the Bullet Farm, where we know Jack has prepared everything for Furiosa to leave and they just have to get through this one last mission together, my gut story sense was like this feels like it should be the third act. The fight in the Bullet Farm and the chase with Dementus that ends in Jack's death feels like it should be the climax of the movie. And not just because we are around the two-hour mark at this point, although we are.

In terms of themes and plot arcs and story beats, Jack's death feels like where the movie should end. We start the story with Mary Jabassa telling Furiosa to leave her behind and make it home safe. I'm sure Mary knows she's on a suicide mission at this point, but maybe she can hold off their attackers long enough for her daughter to escape. But Furiosa can't leave her mom behind. So she goes back, and she watches her mom die brutally and gets trapped by Dementus.

Then, at the Bullet Farm, Furiosa has her best chance yet at getting home. She has a fully loaded vehicle, and she's outside the Bullet Farm gates while Jack is stuck inside. Jack, too, tells her to run and save herself. (While it's never spelled out, I'm sure we're supposed to intuit that the green flare means GO.) He probably thinks he's dead either way at this point, but maybe Furiosa can make it out. But once again, she can't do it. She goes back to defend Jack, and we have this little bit of hope of, maybe this time she'll be able to save the person she cares about from being killed by the same warlord who killed her mother. Whether she succeeds or fails, narratively, this feels like it should be the climactic action sequence of the movie.

But there's still another 30 (ish?? I need to watch with a timer) minutes to go after that, in which we have a whole other plot arc of Furiosa getting back to the Citadel, making her prosthetic arm, and going off on her quest to hunt down Dementus. And if this part all feels a bit grueling, it's because your brain expected the movie to end half an hour ago.

(I should pause here to say that you absolutely can write a movie in three-act structure that's longer than 2 hours--you just have to stretch all the pieces out equally or it starts to feel lumpy. And the place where our attention spans are going to be least forgiving of lumpiness is at the end of the movie.)

Well, you might say, maybe Furiosa was just not written with the three-act structure in mind. And that could be true! But I would argue that the oddness of the end of the movie comes primarily from the film not being clear on what narrative question it's trying to answer.

Because an ending that focuses on Furiosa's choice between finally getting home or going back to try to save Jack is addressing the question of, "Do you prioritize saving yourself, or do you fight for the people you love, even if you may end up in a worse situation because of it?"

An ending that follows Furiosa's revenge quest seems to focus more on, "What does seeking revenge do to your humanity?"

Both of these questions are rich territory to be explored in the wasteland, and the other Mad Max movies deal with both of them. But I would argue that the first question is very clearly set up in the beginning of the movie as a thing we expect to be exploring, and the second question, not so much.

I think the story would have benefitted from picking one or the other. And if they wanted to tell a story about the price of revenge, then highlighting this earlier--either by making revenge Furiosa's primary motivation from the beginning, or highlighting it thematically by showing how the quest for revenge warps other characters--would have made the last section of the movie feel more like a payoff and less like a sudden left turn into the desert.

#stay tuned for the alternate ending i wrote in my head last night #i just had to get this piece of it out first #mad max #furiosa #furiosa a mad max saga #story structure #screenwriting

[howlingday]

Hey, guys, what's up?

Listen, I've been thinking and I thought I'd give y'all a status update on what's going on with me right now. Put simply, brain weather is cloudy. Sometimes I get a burst of energy and start pumping out posts left, right, and center... Other times, I'm running on fumes with still a lot of mileage to cover. Overall? Meh...

So let me tell you guys what my future plan is since I haven't really told anyone about this.

First off, I'm still hanging around [tumblr] and I'm still gonna be making RWBY posts. Might branch out to other things as you've seen, but it'll still be mostly RWBY.

Second, I've set a goal for myself. I'm currently sitting at about 45k posts right now, and if I hit that sweet, sweet 50k, I'm gonna... OPEN AN AO3 ACCOUNT! I'll be moving my stuff over there so that if/when [tumblr] crashes and burns like all things eventually will, my works will still have a place somewhere on the internet where people can read and enjoy/cringe. It'll be easier to separate and organize my work there than here since tags can only help so much.

Finally, I'm gonna come right out and say it, I have NO IDEA what I should do with my life. I've got a good enough job, but that time's about to come to an end. I need to start thinking about my options and, well, it's one of those situations where none of them look good for my writing. To be honest, I'd like to go somewhere with this. Make this not just a hobby, but an actual career.

Like I said, I'll still be around, but I'm also still thinking about my future. Until then, guys,

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

#my thoughts #my plan #vent #kinda #getting my thoughts out there #status update

[insurged]

if you want a little something from the stupid asshole astarion ( he has a modern verse *squinty eyes*) , feel free to like. if you want someone else from the roster, you can comment !

#i'm here to write my brain is just telling me #no video games write pls so i'm here #but bg3 is so good i'm late to the party but idc lmfao #me asking astarion who he's interested in: ^_^ #him: definitely not YOU #me: crawls into my bed dejected LMFAO #he's so funny the sass is overwhelming it cracks me up #i've also been running on very low amount of sleep #but i feel like i can focus so hi hi hi <3 #* ⟢ 𝐎𝐎𝐂 ━ ( clench your asshole super tight & scream it from your heart )

[fictionadventurer]

This AV Club comment is making me so desperate to write a romcom, you have no idea.

#adventures in writing #the trouble is that the idea begins and ends with 'romcom!' #the same way my desire to write mysteries would be 'they solve a mystery!' and i'd have no idea what the mystery was #there's this idea that keeps niggling me #from back when i was just braindumping potential elements i might want to make use of in an inklings story #and looking back at it later the list elements of 'arranged marriage' and 'rom com' stuck out #as well as a world that involves politics and mermaids #and my brain keeps trying to tell me this is a viable idea while providing zero plot or characters #see the thing about rom coms is that they require detailed characters who need their own arcs #the thing i'm bad at! #so it's hard to fulfill this writing craving because all my brainstorming instincts to start with the plot work against me here

[mattodore]

pay attention to theo’s beautiful face and not whatever matthias’s arm is doing... i liked the lighting more here than against the wall

#these are the last screenshots i wanted to edit from the ones i took on the 22nd and had been slowly editing throughout the week #will finally be putting mattodore in their thirties to rest 🙏⚰️ #river dipping #echthroi #matthias evanoff #theodore doe #a burning house to live in #ts4 #ts4 edit #simblr #ended up not doing much to these screenshots tbh… i was so into the audiobook i was listening to i kinda just. stared at the wall a lot... #my brain was telling me this wasn’t worth posting bc i’ve done so many mattodore edits recently and this isn’t anything different but. #like i did actually spend a few hours with these edits so. on one hand i’m like this isn’t really anything #but on the other hand i’m like. well they’re my ocs whom i love dearly and i’ll probably enjoy looking back at this #the same way i do all my other recent edits which i open my own blog up to stare at like. multiple times in a day #obsessed atm…….. #anyway. #god… matthias is so huge he always takes up so much space i’m constantly having to crop him out of edits 😭 #and these are poses that weren’t even made from me…. so he’s not even at his full 6’3’’ height and size like 😭😭😭 #he distracted me but that aside... i'm waiting for my game to open up atm so i can get back to tweaking alessandria's sim #her face is gonna take me forever................................. #ik i don't talk about my other ocs on here much anymore but alessandria is my third favorite oc (mattodore obviously being my top two) #so... i'm seriously gonna agonize over every update i make for them now kjdhknjf #ocs with tragic backstories save me................... #i’ll probably spend a few hours with alessandria in cas and then i’m going back to google docs to write more abt mattodore

[thefrogdalorian]

Sometimes I find myself thinking about Din Djarin a little too much that I get concerned and think that I really should go to therapy...

Well, I'm finally doing that (again) tomorrow... :)

Feeling pretty nervous about it but hoping that because I now know I'm autistic it will help me understand/explain things a little better! Hopefully this is the start of a journey to finally become a healthier, happier version of myself :)

#the waiting list was surprisingly short so i'm excited i just hope that they understand neurodivergency #because cbt doesn't work for my brain and i hope they don't try and force a square peg in a round hole so to speak #i want emdr eventually but i have to go through several stages first it seems and it sucks i wish i could afford private therapy #but i also just wish the nhs just fucking functioned lol #anyway that was a lot of acronyms but there we go #having ptsd sucks that's part of why i love din a lot because i can weirdly relate to him. also mando came into my life when i needed it #and as corny as it sounds knowing i can make some silly little gifs and write about the tin can helps regulate me after a draining events #so knowing i can do that whatever happens tomorrow is nice :) oR TODAY it's past midnight here what is a sleeping pattern #anyway once again i just really love din djarin but now no one can tell me to gO TO THERAPY ANYMORE BC OF IT ALSSNJSSK #personal #text post #just autism things

[greg-montgomery]

Lonely

Aaron Hotchner x Gn!Reader

Summary: Just a little hurt/comfort fic. It's one of those days where nothing feels okay, but to your surprise, your boss Aaron Hotchner is there to comfort you.

Soft!Hotch my beloved <333

TW: The reader talks about struggling with their mental health.

Words: 1.1 k

It was only you who was left at the office. You thought that occupying your mind with some boring paperwork would help you distract yourself from the painful feeling on your chest. It was one of those days where something as simple as a smile was impossible to fake. It was one of those days where a headache was creeping up by you forcing your tears not to spill all day.

If someone were to ask you why you were feeling that way, you would have an extremely hard time to explain. You couldn’t even explain it to yourself. You were just feeling sad. And feeling sad made you feel lonely.

The noise of a door closing made you drop your pen and turn your head to that direction. Yes, everyone else had left, but the word ‘everyone’ did not include your boss. Ever. At least for you.

 “Y/N, what are you still doing here? It’s almost eleven,” he asked, approaching your desk. Looking up at him you immediately recognized concern in his expression.

“I thought I could just finish this all up tonight. You know, so I don’t have it on my mind all week.” You tried to sound casual, but you were pretty certain he was already not buying it.

“I don’t want you to overwork yourself. Especially for something as meaningless as paperwork. You already go through enough when we have a case.”

You sighed, figuring there was no reason to fight him on this. If you agreed he would just drop it. “You’re right.”

You started collecting your things to put them in your bag, expecting Aaron to wish you goodnight and leave. Instead you felt him staring at you in silence.

Bringing your bag to your lap, after securing all your personal things in it, you turned to the side ready to get up. You hadn’t realized that he had moved closer though - to the point where if you stood up, your face would bump into his chest. That’s why you decided to stay seated.

You looked up at him and took a deep breath, trying to calm your heartbeat that was going crazy, because he was completely towering over you.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Is everything okay?” There it was again. That same expression of concern. You hated the way he could see right through you. Aaron was known for being able to read people – he was good at his job and you admired him for it – but it was never fun to be on the receiving end of his talent. It made you feel bare and vulnerable.

“Yes, everything’s good.”

He slowly squatted down so he could be at the same level as you. Your height difference hadn’t allowed your faces to be this close to each other before. Looking into his eyes from this new angle felt different.

“Listen,” he started. “I can understand why I would not be the first person you’d choose to talk to about a personal issue. I know I’m much older than you and might act a little like a drill sergeant sometimes, but I’m always here if you need to talk. I would love to help. About whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

You smiled sadly at him because, deep down, if you could choose one person in the world to open your heart to it would be him. But how could you randomly start talking about your feelings to your boss of all people? How does one get the chance to do so?

Except now you had the perfect chance. He was offering it to you.

“I don’t think I’m gonna make any sense, Hotch,” you answered; your voice small and ready to break.

“You don’t have to. This isn’t an exam, you know. You can just tell me how you feel. No need to explain.”

Tears started to blur your vision at his words. Your feelings for him got a hundred times more intense than they were before.

“I’m lonely,” you broke, crying properly now. “I’m so lonely.”

His hand reached out to take yours and his thumb started to move in a soothing motion. It helped.

“And I’m not saying I’m alone,” you continued. “I have my family, my friends, our team... I know I have people in my life who care for me, I really do. And I recognize how ungrateful I sound for saying that it’s not enough. But it’s not. I’m still lonely. And I’m still sad. And I don’t know why.”

“Sweetheart…” he whispered, his free hand cupping your cheek so he could wipe away the tears.

“I’m so tired of thinking I’m okay and then feeling awful again. It never ends,” you sobbed, leaning into his touch without really thinking about it. “I just feel so helpless when it gets bad. Like nothing can help.”

As soon as you finished your sentence he pulled you into his arms. The fingers of his one hand got lost between your hair, while his other hand was rubbing circles on your back. “Maybe this can help,” he said, kissing the top of your head.

You completely melted in his embrace. Your sobs got louder and your body was shaking, but it felt like release.

“Hotch,” you cried, “I just wanna be okay.”

“You will be, I promise.”

You pushed away, just enough so you could look at his face again. His eyes were red and your heart clenched at the thought of him caring for you enough to be this moved by your sadness.

His palms were cupping your cheeks again and his handsome smile made its appearance, looking sweeter than ever.

“Thank you,” you smiled back. It was through tears, but it was the only genuine smile you had given anyone all day.

“Of course,” he replied, leaving a soft kiss on your forehead. “And now…” He dragged out the sentence, while standing up.

You missed his touch already. You didn’t want him to leave you alone. But you prepared yourself for his next words. He probably had to get home to Jack, you thought.

“How about we go get some ice cream?” he asked instead.

Your eyes lit up like a kid which made him laugh.

“I know a place that’s open all night. Let me drive us there,” he said offering his hand, and you took it without a second thought.

“I’d love that.”

You started walking towards the elevator, holding hands.

“Nothing like some ice cream after a good cry, right?” he joked and you giggled.

His hand dropped yours, only for his arm to wrap itself around your neck, pulling you close to his chest.

Maybe you could learn to love the way Aaron could see right through you. It made you feel cared for and understood.

#aaron hotchner #hotch #criminal minds #aaron hotchner x reader #hotch x reader #criminal minds fic #hiding in the tags so i can be insane here hehe #not me writing this when i should be studying 💀 #but i'm so sad today lmao #for what? that's a secret my brain will never tell #i just feel really lonely and sad and thought i could use my sweet man for comfort #and thought i'd share in case anyone needs some comfort too #maybe it's because i'm on my period 😔 #anyway if anyone's reading this i hope you enjoyed the fic #it's provided by my mental illness <3 #hotch 🪐

[skeletoninthemelonland]

#i think i first listened to this song around the time Behind The Codes became an official project #My brain probably associated the feelings of excitement and fear with the song so ig that's why I love it so much #On one side. I love working on the Behind The Codes #there's an overwhelming amount of ways to tell this story: brainstorming. designing. animating. writing and rewriting until your brain- #starts to fry and get foggy with so many ideas. its both good and stressful to push your limits like this #On another side. I'm constantly anxious about it #I've always been afraid to admit the things I enjoy as well as the things that i create #You don't allow yourself to create and embrace new things even when you're essentially alone #and yes I'm aware of the fact that there will be people who won't enjoy the series- which isn't what bothers me #What bothers me is that I might regret certain decisions #'This is not the message I wanted to convey' #'This is not the story I wanted to tell' #The decision to share this song here is the clearest example of what I mean: #Part of me says: this song is so btc oh my god please put it at the end credits wait THERE IS A 2ND PART OF IT AND IT'S EVEN COOLER OOOAAAA #then there's the main thought: this song is so stupid. it's so corny in a way it makes me uhghu7ujhkjg.. #i won against my negative thoughts today. yay #this whole post is just me rambling and being anxious. i dont even know what to say hjdsfbwjkefkdsf #bye :waves: #starbstalks

[talentforlying]

one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.

canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.

#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS. #i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking #anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can #bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted #and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao #esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think #but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore #like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective #where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue #and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior #all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england #but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them #(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn) #so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona #and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time #and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency #milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it #but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id #anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty #hellblazer brain go brrrr

[daddyplasmius]

okay, so, I've collected a bunch of DP fandom stuff that I remember off the top of my head, specifically in chronological order & colour coded here in this post (fics/comics, tumblr posts, important imo) for no reason other than I saw a post asking for Phandom history & it triggered my biggest, most long-running hyperfixation & now I'm curious if anyone else remembers stuff.

this link is going to be the permanent version I will be updating, but I'm posting what I currently have (gonna go through my old laptop later for more) just to let people know. you can also find the link on my blog, but only on desktop. It isn't colour coded there, sorry.

please share more if you got anything else cuz I'm 100% sure I'm missing a lot of stuff & am too interested now. the biggest reason a lot of stuff isn't here is that I simply can't find it. second biggest reason is i forgor. things not included here aren't "unimportant," this is just the first stuff that comes to mind.

putting it under a cut 'cause it got kinda long

Mars by JadeRabbyt (2005)

Checkmate by pearl84 (2006)

Conversations of a Ghost Gabber by Cordria (2006)

The Foley Maneuver by bluemoonalto (2007)

One Thousand Years by Nylah (2008)

Lab Rat by AnneriaWings (2009)

Lost by Cordria (2010?) [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

Phantom of Truth by Haiju (2011)

Ghost Deaths (2012)

Through Coals and Rain by Kakawot (2012)

Shadow of a Doubt by Haiju (2013)

Pink Pants (2013?)

Wes (2014) [original] [1] [2] [3] [4]

this "I'm Inevitable" gif (2014)

Space AU (2014)

Treading Water by The Full Catastrophe (2014)

Danny, you dead IDIOT!! comic (2014)

wash away the darkest days by anthrop (2014)

Reverse Trio (2014)

Inverse Trio (2014-2016) ALT

Halfas are "feral children" (2015)

Burn the Streets, Burn the Cars by anthrop (2015)

It's Not Gay if He's Dead by phantomrose96 (2015)

You Smell Like Death by starfleetrambo (2015)

Ghost Bird AU by @rest-in-peachs (2016?)

Things I Can(not) Do In Amity Park by RedHeadsRock1010 (2016)

KEtTLE by Cordria (2016)

Deeper, Darker by Silvermoonphantom (2016)

Danny Phantom Punches Butch Hartman In The Face by MistressVintage (2017)

Dannypocalypse (2017)

Ghost Train (2017?)

Ghost Physics by jayrockin (2017)

Ghost Infographics (2018)

The Taxonomy of Ghost Cores: An Observational Study (2018) Communicating with Ghosts Professionally: A Study (2018)

Species in Danny Phantom (2018?)

Diddles Piddles by diddly-darn-ghost (2018)

Broken Ectoplasm by ghostanimal (2019)

Ghost of Heroes by Enigmaris & ScarletNightFury (2019-2020)

do not stand at my grave and cry (i am not there, i did not die) by blueh (2020)

Undercover Phantom by artistfingers (2021)

Corruption is a Two Way Street by datawyrms (2021)

Things That Bleed by artistfingers, kkachis, & Perfectly_Inconspicuous (2022)

10,000 works on AO3 (2022)

Ghost Speak:

Danny's handwriting (2015?)

Cordria (2015)

Fiver-Rivers [1] [2] [3] (2019)

Rubber Chicken Sounds (2019)

#Danny Phantom #Phandom History Archive #do you even understand how hard it was to find the original Wes post???????? #i spent like 2 hours on that alone #Wes Weston why are you so hard to find #just realizing that a lot of shit happened in 2014 #like. 2014/2015 ish #i joined somewhere between 2014 & 2016 so i guess i literally came here right at the peak of phandom activity #the height of tumblr's paranormal activity. you might say #i think i'm just biased though #should i put my own fics on here. Phantom is pretty important to me being my first DP fic #& also the thing that got me back into writing #it's not very good but by god if i dont love it. & anyways i put Bird AU on here lol i think i can put Phantom up at some point. as a treat #also if any links are broken tell me cuz i'm not checking them again. it's 4am #reminder: gotta find those Bird AU fics i read & put em here. there ARE actual Bird AU fics. i know there are. i did not hallucinate that #it just might be the hardest thing on earth to do since that was years ago & i have no idea what they were called #anyway gonna add a fuckton of fics & (hopefully) tumblr posts when i go through my old laptop. i got everything bookmarked on there #like. so many fics. i had them organized too based on what kind of fic it was. but they all have stupid names cuz i was like 15 #me: i should do my stencil art today. just to be a bit productive & also maybe make money #my brain: what if you organized Danny Phantom fandom posts into a big archive for people to look at? for free. until 4am. #me: you know what that sounds so much better let's do that

[soraeia]

.

#negativity #ish #(( So I've kind of had a hellish week so far #mental health-wise #and despite trying/wanting to be active on here I am just a bit emotionally exhausted and drained )) #(( I had a v bad nervous breakdown yesterday and I'm still recovering a little )) #(( and I was wondering if I could get a little positivity on here ;u;?)) #(( life stuff aside--I've been feeling a little down about my muses and writing lately and idk )) #(( I know when my brain is telling me lies but at the same time knowing that doesn't always make me feel better ))

[moe-broey]

Guy who doesn't know anything and never learns voice: "Yeah I can work on this smaller project to take a break from my bigger projects. Surely it won't become Another Big Project."

#guh. #it's one thing to design an outfit (x2). it's another thing to think of poses (and how they tell a story) #it's another thing to think of dialogue. it's another thing actually write that dialogue so it flows properly #it's another thing to -- #well. you get it. i'm so tired. #but it's just four illustrations. it's not a whole comic. it's four illustrations. one of which you can take a shortcut on #but not really because if you're me you're allergic to digital art. so your shortcut k #cat incident. i don't feel like fixing that. but your short cut is to use a lightbox. #worst part is this is appealing to me and only me. i'm not super content/numbers brained like i actively try to avoid that #i'm better than that. you're stuck here with ME. you are entirely at the mercy of my whims. #i am also entirely at the mercy of my whims. #still. god give me strength to accept when i drop this whole ass full blown Thing and nobody gives a shit #give me strength to not blow this whole building up. amen.

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[raayllum]

i think it’s nights like these where the assumptions i’ve seen of people assuming i write or do anything for clout (like this is a children’s show and my free time, what clout?) that i’m a ‘leader’ or police in the fandom (acab btw) online are the funniest / most vapid to me bc like. you think i’m writing like 5k about a character named fucking sir sparklepuff as a tragic figure and philosophical mouthpiece because i think it’s gonna be popular or give me influence? do you even hear yourself? like nah, i’m here for the exploration and embodiment of themes so my brain can relax and sleep better at night rather than hyperfixate endlessly, this is for me. cool if you enjoy it tho

#i will say it is very indicative of people who see running children's tv show blogs on Tumblr as like #a competitive space tho #for Some Reason #me my whole life: i don't care if i 'win' or social rules i'm here to have fun #other ppl: sounds fake bc you're good at it and/or threatening to me in some capacity but okay #like sir i am just autistic leave me be #i just wanna write my things and tell my stories #dragons rambles #tag ramble #just chasing things that make my brain go brrr

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[lookedlikethebins]

SUPRISE!

I didn't do the work i needed to do yet tonight BUT

I did just finish a draft of an angsty ~5k mostly-internal-george-narrative gatty-centric fic WHICH MEANS

i'm going to do some actual work and then (after like, maybe a nap?) revise, edit, and then post her!!

(also, new rule, per that lovely anon from this past weekend: i'm not going to think too hard about this; i wanted to write this so i did!! and i always end up writing a really prosey/emo/basically committing every single one of my self-indulgent writing habits in a fic--and they get mixed reviews but man, y'all have been so nice and encouraging and forgiving i'm just going to do it!! and if you like it, that's very sick and awesome thank you ily and if it's not your cup of tea thank you for even glancing at it. i'll be back with regularly scheduled programming soon.)

anyway... now i'm going to go uhhh, edit an entire manuscript of a book that so far is not my cup of tea... wish me luck. ty and gn x

#i am so excited i have something... even if it's sort of like. not really plot but more character study of a moment sort of thing #i'm just so excited to share more i love writing things that feel like they END so i can just #here!! this is what *I* was thinking and now it's your turn (if you want to share)!! ya know?? #fandom is the one place where a fic can be finished but the writer doesn't necessarily have to be done... if that makes sense? #like in academia that bitch better be PRINTER READY like it has to be everything you want to say... #but i had a thought and i wrote it and i liked it and it feels like everything i was interested in exploring and articulating #and it's not a Definable Plot i don't even think it has a Defined Setting with Description but that's bc this is not academia!!! fuck it! #can you tell i'm in Editor in Chief mode? sorry sorry i get very verbose when i edit sorry #ANYWAY if you read to here thank you!!! and i'll see YOU on ao3 tomorrow :)) #OH double bonus if you get down this far... i may perhaps be open to prompts... #since so far the whiplash and range of my fics is pretty uhhh ya know... interesting lol #smth to mediate me serving you whatever the hell my brain cooks up while i'm in egregiously long meetings that should've been emails... #OKAY now i really should probably go edit... love u bye #from v #del