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arkangel246-blog · 5 years

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i’m not sure how to go about this, so i’m just gonna start & see where it takes me. i’m going thru some serious depression right now. if i told you everything i’ve been thru you’d more than likely accuse me of lying; no one person could possibly have dealt with so much. that almost sounds like bragging, but believe me, it’s not. i definitely wonder why i’m still here, if not for some ‘purpose,’ but it all feels pretty pointless much of the time.

i’m a 59 yr old mother of 2 sons, 2 almost-grown grandsons, and a lot of what’s eating at me right now is the fact that Mom’s Day (AND my b-day last month) came & went without more than a ‘happy birthday’ post from my daughter-in-law. my youngest son hasn’t had anything to do with me for so long i didn’t expect anything from him, but usually my oldest will at least text me. he did, after all, move me from the okc metro a few years ago 2 hours northeast to be closer to ‘family.’ at this point i’m not quite sure who’s pulling away from whom. i just know i feel like an orphan without children, without family of any kind, and i don’t know how to really change anything. people have said, ‘i’d go camp out on MY child’s front yard until we worked thru things!’ but i guess i’m afraid it might push them away even farther, and i guess i also feel responsible. but part of me is also screaming that i haven’t seen a bar, dated any more creeps, or been 5150′ed in a decade so you’d think that’d count for something, right?

where to begin? i guess we can work backwards, & start with telling you about my last marriage. and i DO mean, LAST.

i met kyle in october, ‘01, and like so many, i really thought i’d found my knight in shining armor. a co-worker introduced us, telling me, ‘he owns an OIL company, just built a new house, and is SOOO nice! you really HAVE to meet him!’ a week later we were inseparable, picking out a ring that shocked even his mother who said, ‘he must REALLY love you, because he’s TIGHT!” (meaning he was cheap. i had no clue... truly). i knew he drank every day, and truthfully, i liked to drink too, so it sorta seemed to be a match made in heaven (or hell). but i soon came to realize he generally started drinking before noon (running a company provided him that option), and nothing i could say could convince him to wait til later in the day. i could never drink every day, & seeing him passed out every night before the sun went down got old fast. when i met his folks i quickly realized it was a learned habit. his mom & dad, who’d handed the company over to kyle & his brother so they could retire, did the same, to the point of being insulted if you didn’t choose to drink with them at family get-togethers, no matter how early in the day. so who was i to go against family tradition?

we hadn’t been married more than a few months the first time he threw what would become his grown-ass-man, 2 yr old tantrum. he jumped up & down, spat and frothed at the mouth through bared teeth, and called me the name i came to be known by almost daily: worthless, piece of sh!t, C-U-Next-Tuesday. my transgression? an ANA autoimmune tests for lupus/sjogrens/scleroderma, (one, or the other or any combination) had come back positive causing my insurance premium to more than triple, which in turn affected the small business’s employees’ premiums.

now any ‘normal’ person would’ve run like hell at that point. keyword being ‘normal,’ of course. it’s funny how you can think a previous husband has been ‘abusive,’ until you actually marry someone who makes the one before seem like Winnie the Pooh. i don’t know the exact moment i started believing i could ‘fix’ him --- that i could do this, that or the other thing well enough that he wouldn’t beat the hell outta me, but in less than a year i’d begun begging ambulance drivers to take me to different ER’s because so many of the doctors were all-too-familiar with me. i know this was after one repeat ER doctor refused to treat me again, storming out of the area voicing loudly, ‘the women who go back to these men DESERVE what they get.’ that time i called a cab, tucked my tail between my legs, & yes, went back home to him feeling like surely i HAD done something to deserve it or that doctor really wouldn’t have said so.

after EMG tests were positive for nerve damage in my arms & legs, & i was put in arm splints and prescribed a ton of neurontin, i moved into the 2nd bedroom. we had gone through a brief separation, both filing for divorce, but a combination of not really having anywhere to go & being so sick (both physically AND emotionally) i found myself back with him (1st of many times). now here’s a word of warning for anybody who might be in similar circumstances at some point. if you reunite with a spouse and drop divorce proceedings, LISTEN when your attorney tells you to make certain he ALSO drops the divorce WITH PREJUDICE; i did not. never in my wildest dreams did i consider that someone who ‘loved’ me so much could possibly put the screws to me, until, a couple months later he called me from the master bedroom to say, ‘SURPRISE! i DIVORCED YOUR ASS on tuesday! how’s it feel?’

during a time when i was almost bedfast he’d gone back to court, had his friends testify against me claiming that i chose not to show up, and yes, the divorce was final. since i had been served months before when we both had filed for divorce and his attorney had dismissed the proceedings WITH PREJUDICE, he was able to completely finalize it without my knowledge whatsover. and it didn’t hurt that his company had an attorney on the payroll.

there were times when i believed he wanted me around as long as he wasn’t responsible for my bills & i didn’t cost him very much. i cooked, cleaned, & took excellent care of endless cats he & a friend continued to bring in. i’ll never understand why he did this. i learned at one point that he had kicked his 1st wife’s small dog to death years before when she went out with girlfriends he hadn’t approved of, so why he was so good with all these cats i’ll never know. at one point we were up to 11 of them, 100% indoors, with white carpet, and in able to do all that needed done i was being prescribed almost every controlled substance there was. i bathed several each month, while he’d toss an old towel on top of any hacked hairballs indicating that i had a mess to clean up.

after our divorce was done without my knowledge i did get an attorney who was going to re-file & make the judge aware of what he’d done, but he agreed at that time to pay for everything until my disability went through, which he did. we hadn’t been legally married long enough that he might’ve been required to do even that much, so i accepted that. he paid for a halfway decent apartment on the southwest side, but even then, he continued to come over when he felt the need to ‘vent.’ i had barely had the utilities turned on when it all went sideways & to this day i don’t know how he didn’t kill me. i knew from past experience he was going to get my phone when he headed towards the bedroom so i tried to get past him before he could. my next thought was, ‘he’s really killed me this time,’ when i found myself sliding upside down on the wall, coming down hard on my head. it’s the only time in my life when i really had that slow motion experience so many speak of. surprisingly i was able to shake my head and found myself alive, slowly able to get up with him screaming, ‘get the F up! i never F-ing touched you!’ his perfect handprint was left in purple on my upper arm by the next day, along with a purple ridge along my back ribs from a ridge between the kitchen and pantry where i’d been thrown. i was able to get him out of the apartment that night, thanking all the powers that be that i was ‘ok,’ only to go down like a ton of bricks the next day in the parking lot. i heard and felt a loud POP in my neck.... like a rubber band popping... and after some maneuvering showed i wasn’t gonna be able to even get on my hands & knees to crawl neighbors carried me back inside and called 9-1-1.

tests showed a bone fragment in the sub-arachnoid space at the base of my skull, & i was in & out of a wheelchair for quite a while. doctors knew my situation, and just sorta avoided the expected questions probably figuring i’d lie anyway. the truth was my disability had yet to come through at that time, and if i’d put him in jail for that i’d have been homeless. HOMELESS, with very limited use of my arms & legs even after all the cervical epidurals allowable and tons of physical therapy. my mother had visited once long enough to assure me that i’d have to go into a nursing home if i stayed in the wheelchair because she wasn’t able (or willing) to take care of me. so i taped a cell to myself at times to keep it within arm’s reach, and crawled to clean the litter box & feed myself for a while, but somehow, i regained the use of everything in time.

except my brain. if i hadn’t proven to be a total idiot already i’d claim landing on my head caused brain damage.

not too long after my disability was approved while in the same apartment i found myself in a different kind of fight. i took trash out to the dumpster around the corner - and i thought i locked the door behind me. i generally did, but honestly, i still don’t know for sure. i came back into the apartment & down the hallway into my bedroom where somebody grabbed the back of my head ramming me headfirst into a full-length mirror shattering it. the next thing i remembered was waking up in the hallway in a mess of goo and yuck, disoriented, trying to figure out what had happened. every movement hurt like hell, and once in the bathroom i saw my face was cut & bruised, & could feel other injuries starting to sting. i cleaned up blood & the broken mirror pieces, took a bath & when i started to realize what had happened, called my son. “It was KYLE, Mom. KYLE did this!’ he said when i told him i thought i’d been raped. i promised him i’d call 911, which i did, and a complete rape kit was done along with over 200 pictures taken. afterwards i called Kyle & told him i’d been raped, and he simply hung up the phone. did he HEAR me? it wasn’t unusual for him to be so drunk by that time of night i couldn’t even understand him, and sometimes he had just hung up on me or passed out on the phone. one thing i DID know is that he was impotent. i had been torn vaginally AND rectally, and he had pretty much zero interest in sex, so i couldn’t fathom how he might’ve been responsible for this. so without another phone call to him, i made arrangements to move out of state nearer my kids into a secure apartment bldg. as we were leaving town my son called him to say we’d left cats in the apartment and i was gone.

you’d think that would’ve been the end of Kyle & me, wouldn’t you? but no. if i’d been smart, you bet, but nobody ever accused me of having good sense.

long before he & i were really over a warrant was issued for his arrest for sexual assault, i had to plead his case & his innocence fearing for my life. i’d shoot up his house and be 5150′ed when i couldn’t quite bring myself to blow my brains out with a 9mm. i’d called my sons that horrific night begging them to tell me they loved me at which time 1 said, ‘you’ve got a wrong number’, and the other said, ‘go for it, Mom.’ it was several more years before i finally did leave with bruising severe enough to require a CT scan of my face. PTSD has been added to my list of maladies & i wake up screaming on a fairly regular basis, the nightmares i can remember too gruesome for words. kyle drank himself to death a couple years ago, and oddly enough, even though i hadn’t had any contact with him in 5 yrs i knew when he died. i woke up middle of the night with something telling me to google his full name, & when i did i found a classified with his sister handling his estate, the company attorney listed as well. when i emailed his longtime drinking buddy i was told kyle had ‘gone off the deep end,’ and that house he’d demanded i keep the white carpet pristine in had been 3 feet deep in beer cans when he was found 5-6 days after his apparent demise. i’m guessing the cats feasted on his meaty parts.

my doctor asked me recently how i felt when i learned of his death, & i told him that i’d cried. the man had never owned a ‘used’ car, or lived in anything except new homes. he’d been handed an oil & gas company right out of college that was barely getting by, most likely because both he & his brother were drunk daily before noon. it was just a total waste of a life that could’ve been used to do so much good. a complete & total waste.

the day i had someone helping me get my things to leave kyle had come into the house from the back alley with his buddy way earlier than usual, and taken off in his buddy’s truck like lightning seeing me packing. i’d already gotten an emergency protective order but with the garage on the alley he’d had no way of knowing i hadn’t just eaten a few extra oxy’s and passed back out (typical) after i kneed him in the groin to get him off me, his hands from around my throat. it wasn’t unusual for kyle & his buddy to drink in the garage daily, after about 3 or so, but it was noon when they’d come in. i remembered sending kyle & his buddy pics of my swelling face the night before, telling them, ‘never again. he’s never gonna touch me or anybody else again.’ my knees went a little weak recalling the usual threats. he’d told me over & over again how easy it’d be for my body to disappear, that it would make something called ‘condensate’ and nobody would ever find me when i was disposed of at a well site. i couldn’t help but wonder if this was that time.

there are probably still people surprised that i finally left and stayed gone, but that was 7 1/2 years ago & somehow the thought of what might have been kept me away. he’d sent me a friend request the summer before his death, which i promptly deleted. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. no, thank, you.

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howiend · 3 years

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chapter one.

chapter one. the day started out just as any other day. my alarm went off, which i immediately snoozed and snuggled cassius for at least 10 more minutes, listening to the rhythmic sounds of his breathing. i tried to match mine to his as i just laid, enjoying his company in the quiet darkness of early morning. that is until the snooze goes off once more and i feel movement near my feet. time to get up. with the snooze off and oscar uncovered from the blankets that he slept under between cat and i, we headed to the kitchen. we had a routine. make coffee. kibble. potty and then he’d nap in the sunlight while i worked a bit before cas woke up and we had breakfast before heading to the gym. and that’s what we did. day in and day out. and i adored it. but this day, this day was different. it started out just as any other.. pulling open the door, i let oscar run along the sidewalk that led down the driveway of the private property i owned and built my house on. walking toward the mailbox, having forgotten yesterday, i had an odd feeling. something in the pit of my stomach just aching, cramping my entire body. after grabbing the mail, i walked back up the trail as oscar joined me by my side, ready to go inside for his treat. but stopped in front of the door way, which made him pause. in my hand was a letter from indiana — which was never a good thing. my hands began to shake as i held the envelope in my hand, trying to read who it was from. it all came back to me. corey. the night. court — everything. it was before cas, before utah, before all of this. this letter was for a rachael that had died three years ago. she died and was buried back in indiana. i was no longer that girl, that sad pathetic little girl. i willed my feet to move and my body to overcome the fear as oscar walked into the house and whined before i finally made it in. “sorry buddy,” i whispered to him as i sat the mail on the table near the door where i tossed my keys. “let’s get you a treat baby,” i said, rubbing the jowls of his little frenchie face before standing back up and heading to the kitchen, with oscar in lead, of course. walking back into the kitchen, i began my morning routine after giving my pup his treat. i watched as oscar walked back toward the bedroom to cuddle with cassius, which may have been my favorite sight i’d ever seen. reaching into the cabinet, i start on coffee and i'm back to autopilot. this happens a lot and is a sign of post traumatic stress disorder. and it's something i'd learned to live with. my body, in a constant slight of fight or flight due to the years of abuse, my body tends to turn off when it isn't needed. time flies by and a couple hours go by. i had moved to my study and began working on a few pieces of writing before i felt arms snake over my hunched shoulders and reached down, kisses in my hair, love on my mind. “hey you,” cas said in a raspy morning voice to give me goosebumps. “good morning,” i said softly, looking away from my computer and looking toward the muse that inspired them. that knot still in my stomach as he smiles at me. “listen,” i begin, but he holds his hand up, “wait baby, one minute.” he said before running out of the room. furrowing my brow and tilting my head, i laughed before standing up from my chair and walking out of the office and down the hallway. where had he gone? what was he doing? as i walked into the bedroom, there he was, sitting on the bed - naked. “this is a good morning,” i said, watching as he flexed and smiled. i couldn’t not laugh at his ridiculous need to make me laugh. we make love, for how long -- i'm unsure, but his love is like anything i've ever felt before. i swear i can touch the stars when he makes me undo. there's something about his touch and the way he plays my body like a pianist. his touch is lithe and light and something different all together. i'm so lucky to love him. more time flies by, the day goes on and life continues. but that knot. it doesn’t go away. in the back of my mind, i know that letter is there. it’s crying out for me. it needs me to read it. curiosity always killed the cat in the end, didn’t it? or at least semi attractive women with big tits like me? f***. as cas showered before bed, i went back out to the foyer and grabbed the envelope off of the table and stared at it. even in the dark, the letters gave me goosebumps. walking back toward the bedroom, i held it between my both hands and plopped down on the bed. the sounds of the shower echoed from the master that was off of the master bedroom. i could see cas’ naked reflection in the large mirror that echoed the wall of the shower. at least being close to him made me feel better. i didn’t know why i was nervous to tell him about it, but i was. should i tell him about whatever is in this or will this just upset him more? i didn’t know the answer. that was one of the hardest things to learn, to trust someone again. i trusted corey with everything, my life entirely under his control. and now i had this amazing person who understood me, and cared even when i had a cold. he wanted to learn why i was sad, wanted to help yet i was terrified to tell him anything because of corey. when would my brain understand that he wasn’t corey, but someone different. someone better. in every way. with a deep breath, i walked the letter and myself into the bathroom and cleared my throat, “f*** babe,” said cassius as he let out a breathy laugh. “you scared me,” he said as he looked at me through the glass shower doors that were partly steamed up, “what’s going on?” his eyes were dark and wide, worry in them. “i got this,” i began and took another deep breath, “i got this letter from indiana in the mail. and i didn’t know if i should tell you or include you or ..” i began to ramble in which cassius responded by turning off the shower and stepping out, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist. “i haven’t been able to open it yet,” i admitted and it was strange how even that little admission had truly given a little relief off my weighted chest. “do you want me to?” asked cassius, water dripping from his dark hair. i smiled at him, lovingly. his genuine nature was something i’d never seen before; his beliefs and his convictions was beyond anyone i had ever met. he had morals and he lived by them. i hadn’t met anyone in my adult life who lived up to their sh*t like he did. like i did. he was much like me, which was why i think we understood one another’s darkness. it was something that tugged and pulled, deeper than either of us could explain — but we understood. shaking my head, i held the letter, “no, i don’t want whatever bad sh*t that is on this letter, in this letter near you.” he rolled his eyes but i was serious as i began to tear at it. pulling the paper from the envelope, cassius stepped to the side, allowing me some space. he always knew when to give it and when to not allow it; it was odd. i read the head line and looked at him, eyes wide. “what is it?” he asked, but i couldn’t move. i stood, staring at him, “rachael, what is it?” “he’s out now, cas — protection order lifted,” i said, stuttering as i shook the words out like a weeping willow tree in the summer wind. just like the one that lived tall and wide across the street from my house as a child. i remember laying under the tree, fishing with king and jackie — like the f***ing degenerates we were. i just wanted to go back to those moments in that bathroom. i wanted to be back under that tree with king and jackie, fishing for snapping turtles and watching as jackie and king kissed under the tree for the first time when she was 8 and he was 12. tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes behind my glasses as i looked at him. cassius grabbed the paper from me and read over the words before looking at me and tugging him close, crumpling the paper and tossing it to the floor. “it’s going to be okay, rach,” he whispered to me, conviction laced his words. they were from the gut, as was everything he said. he meant everything he said. i looked him in the eyes, tears slowly falling down my cheeks and nodded. this was the beginning.

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theblondedonxx · 4 years

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What’s up doc?? (drabble) 3/10/20

What's up doc?

“Come on in Mr. Nash” The man who stood before him looked professional but Carter had a hangover and already was high. There wasn’t any day or time when he wasn’t high and today..especially today would be no different. Reluctantly he walked inside the office that had pictures on the wall, a fresh coat of paint and the sun shining in. Taking a seat in a chair, the blonde was not amused being there, in this situation. “I’m Dr. Thompson, I’ll be the one working with you. Please have a seat.” Carter looked around once he had sat down hating the fact that he was even there, having to do this when he had so many other things to be doing. “So tell me why you were sent here?” The man looked at Carter who sat there nonchalantly with a blank expression on his face. “You’re the shrink, you tell me?” He replied angrily. Talking about his feelings or his past wasn’t something he enjoyed doing, not because he didn’t want to, but because of it bringing up so much pain.

This wasn’t anything new for him. Everyone in his life had seen him spiral out of control back when he was younger but even though he had grown up, sh*t still got to him. “Mr. Nash, this will go a lot better if y..” Angrily Carter sat up and cut off the man’s words before he cold get them out. “If I cooperated? If I let you in? Don’t think that’s gonna happen. Look I’m only here to make it seem like I’m getting help. I’m fine and I’m not going to sit here and let you tell me what I should or shouldn’t do when you don’t f***ing know me.” The anger that came from him was evident, he was angry at everyone and everything. Fans and the media only had their perception of the man he was on stage or when he was in trouble. It always seemed like no one ever saw how hard he worked and how much he loved and would do for his fans, or anyone. His trust had been broken so many times starting when his mother left and had never ever once looked back, not even when he had Casie.

“I can see there’s things that you obviously want to talk about. The only way that you’re going to start getting some peace is to talk about it.” The more the man spoke, the more that it pissed him off. “Look, Dr. T I appreciate you trying to help, but lemme tell ya you wouldn’t have enough time to listen, nor would I open myself up to any of that sh*t.” His family life had messed him up at an early age but just the feeling of thinking about it made a lump in his throat appear. Shaking his head he picked his head up. “I know you got a job to do and stuff but I’m not one for this whole share your life kinda thing.” It was true-- he hated talking especially about things that bothered him, but the one person who saw his emotional breakdowns more than once was Casie.

Leaning back in the chair, he sat there for a few minutes before he got up and went over to look out the window. “Carter, if I may call you that, you’ve seen some therapists back when you were younger and I see you were in juvenile detention because of violence on them, care to explain? Lets start there at least.”

Was he really serous? What the f*** did he think there was to explain about the situation? His old therapists got way too close and back then, Carter wasn’t having it. “There ain’t a goddamn thing to explain about. There’s somethings that you just don’t ask and they found out what it was.” There was no expression on his face as he spoke. “Next question.”

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passitonandon · 7 years

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The purpose of keeping this private to ONE DAY SAY “I am a writer” and “an artist” and why was this so hard. THE DENIA of safety means everything is questioned & why I make choices based on what I’ve learned.

The past is beautiful again : TY #words

This being to relevant to everything, I’m going to make a connection fortify a new ring, circle, hoop, a record sings on replay, grateful now my mind words this way statements I can recall easily that have much more meaning, are the links to make the strongest bonds, the ones done covalently so taking this post with knowledge of writing it for the purpose over there, finding times I have to hold two thoughts, edit in my brain, push keys, stand still, have to think up words, like poof, in air! Getting my voice is not done easily, going to try and explain this, easy 1, 2, 3 and it also quells the panic growing up in my, from he tingles in my face and spine, it’s like a solid rod I can’t define, if my butt starts to spasm I’ll lose my mind so put it over there & now go back SAFELY, go ahead, you can do it, push rewind.

Write a intro for the feeling “ in the moment” noting physical sensations starting with strongest felt (sharp, acute, burning) to less so (numbness, sensitivity to touch) and then good spots (often my legs feels sturdy)

Read what was written making editing comments : minimize to things you want to recall for later that can help e.g. emotional flared up, body pain became noteworthy, feel free to delete anything that is not relevant to right now or future or is readable or “clear” and has a purpose in keeping.

Recall other moments when making choices were successful & try to connect something to make both memories stick so that you’re habitually feeling capable (this is the connection made to another dimension while manually doing it while conscious to see if it kicks more anxiety to the curb?” note: ever since someone said anxiety & ptsd are not related, I became terrified. There is simply not enough knowledge on topics that big decisions are being made affecting lives. Those making decisions seem to have the least empathy & if not sure if it matters, it does to lil lives every day in mini societies called schools.

The Past

When you feel like you have nothing, are nothing or unsure what meaning is, you can still offer kindness & beauty & you can start right now! It cost nothing & effort is minimal. We all require attention, care & concern. Those most in need do see & feel the subtleties when others turn away, are talked about. I know because to a disorganized/anxious/depressed mind, words are confusing & meaning’s felt first having been both advocate & patient--split between two worlds & at a time found myself somewhere in-between listening & watching the sh&#iest behavior unfurl. I’m so glad that’s not me [I got out!]. More than putdowns & contradictions, but a topsy-turvy belief systems under the guise of protection and support. Stating those words here is a strategy, to put it out there, let the body experience it, react & then one day, attack it hard--say what I want, knowing full well this is the direction to take--follow the triggers. In my experience where students could not imagine themselves capable, smart or social, a little investigating revealed why skills would not stick & it isn’t that they were “low”--shhh, not being taught--when you see how ‘lil collaboration there is, you find yourself in your imagination, a lot thinking of ways to ensure self-advocacy sticks. In some ways, doing this, living out loud (my ideas are private) is super easy in comparison! Children [with or without special needs], the elderly, victims of abuse, homeless & the mentally ill rarely expect generosity, kindness & beauty, so with very ‘lil effort--a smile, a word, gifts in all shapes & sizes, deeds that SHOW protection, what’s the harm in helping them feel safe, emotionally/physically--oh yes, my experiences continues to shape me & the appreciation felt, a cycle of giving like no else, truly anything you can spare. It will mean the world to them in ways that help self-motivate, increase self-reflections, a step in the right direction that being independent thinking & living, a life model that’s more give than take and less dependence on others & systems, too. We ALL want to be seen for who we are, not taken care of, to me that sounds like someone is going to murder you. (Oops, just showed a fear...) That’s right, put them here & dampen the motherfu%ers out.

The content of what you say, how you say it, first impressions, effort & saying hello and goodbye still [or should] matter. Words & emotions held in a delicate balance between what’s inside & that image, the outside, if not in line, a lack of harmony, peace cannot exist--how do I know? Just listen & use your eyes (duh), you’ll see it. Stress & deviousness. Beauty is only skin deep? It penetrates every part of me! I know when I’ve been “unclean.” It’s natural to make assumptions, our brains predictive, consciously & subconsciously processing information through the senses as we navigate our world---that place where my fears culminate, a combo of caustic experiences that happened “out there” or “in this environment,” the world is where people are. Functioning has been altered in ways I cannot fully understand, nor describe, but that is life. No boo hoo, in fact, I’ve learned so much about OT/PT/Vestibular & Vertigo, that I see exactly what my students meant, going back in the past, part of therapy to really identify these fears [make ‘em all real], so like any good teacher I made detailed notes. Thank goodness I did. It’s reminded me of the writer I was & why all their words--I can’t concentrate, my body hurts, my eyes don’t work!--makes sense & where stigma & judgement collide into an invisible stew that’s hard to stomach, but I’ll keep ingesting it. That being a systematic approach (thank you Special Ed) 1/2 exposing myself to what’s most harrowing in my mind & causes the greatest physical reactions, 1/2 dreaming the biggest motherfu%ing dreams ever--getting through & over this--is what’s healing & since I am/was a teacher when you learn something new that can help, you share, and singe I don’t know what’s appropriate, I’ll use tech to do it, had to learn it, was way suspect since my privacy is everything, someone out there knew this/used this to CREATE more fear & shame. The proof, I’m “on” it and it’s true, you can dampen ev-er-y-thing.

One thing I did that many people cannot is leave the country. A safe place where they speak my language, but also familiar to me. It’s where Poetry, Literature, Art & History come together & I rebuilt trust in a city setting, Chicago not that for me. Triggers of these past years are ev-er-y-where--oh, when I share...I just want to make sure it feels good, right, doesn’t make the night come in, see, you must feel in control & no one can control anything except their own misery. Memories are amazing-Wow!-brings me back there--walking through the Tate Museum I come across these wonderful words that concisely says what I feel, affects how I hear since it’s clearer, a model, a way to get these stuck thoughts out. Take a photo. Remind myself of that moment. Revel in the sense of safety. This is real validation, another theme having been around the “phony kind.” This connection gave me back time because when you share an idea with someone whether you know it or not, you have participated in a moment that will never happen again. A true connection that does not lie to my mind & body, a perfect fit that my senses, endocrine & nervous systems can’t argue with.

The Topic I can’t Wrap My Head Around Comes Out in Ebbs & Floe`

So many thoughts that used to comfortably roll & slide in my mind, now collide, events send me spiraling in either direction, too high/too low, the goal I’m told is to be made whole--how about just be safe and prevent more harms from happening? I accept accidents do happen, giving those who made decisions & acted on them the biggest benefit of the doubt that they did not intend, but when you keep doing it, are you really going to ask me to pretend? Learn from tragedy please, that’s the point of ED & it’s practical, so for the next time. At the very least, what happened to me won’t happen again, but then I see, it’s the continual scheming, repeated lying to one’s face, a boundary I didn’t think [some] people could cross, those being the ones who make choices to say “I protect,” we’re a “family.” Good grief! These words/themes are everywhere in life, in stories, on TV, shopping, in loops, and then all the memories of being a “team” player, ok ok, yes you must do things to sure the greater good, just make sure the goal is fully understood by all since that’s when lies are cerated, my parents always told me eventually you won’t be believed & now with memory, I don’t have a need (what am I trying to say?) it’s storage, the capacity, the rule being, whatever comes up comes out. To say it, finally, having listened to myself for over 2 years with these fragmented sounds/words/noises, to just get it out is why I have to scream & shout now--How [some] people can never re-structure after trauma with so many re-triggers & why this task seems insurmountable but I never shied away from a challenge. Those who really know me know that very well.

The way I see the world is different, a combination of Music, Poetry, Science, Education, History, Philosophy, Art, pieces or shards, some painful, some not. I trust my feelings finally, they will dictate everything. The decisions I make, not able to trust a mind that’s been jostled a little too hard lately & why I am thankful for my philosophies, the ones in place from long ago. If don’t have a way to be moral, that part of decision-making you should figure it out fast (you never know) when a tap on the head, punch/kick to the face is going to change all the rules--a displacement of past tools. For me, it’s simple. Go back to Nature. Go back to School! Morality & Mythology, Stories show us how to live, the benefit is we get to do it vicariously & the past, where there were REAL fears. Living every day in darkness, death, daily tears, suffering to body, mind, spirt, no rights, no luxuries, then I walk these streets & see things that will never be okay with me.

Your body will tell you exactly what you need & if given the opportunity try the benefits of offering yourself to another through beauty & kindness, to anyone, really. How did we lose our imagination? Was it back in school when that teacher told us we couldn’t do whatever it was we were putting our minds to? A parent who put us down, left town, growing up doesn’t mean you stop showing up. A relationship who treated us a little too rough? Embarrassment, shame & fear are powerful weapons for some & if you are stuck in loops or using strategies that you know aren’t the right ones, there’s a way to stop. It’s a deliberate mindfu*k, you have to prove to yourself you’re greater than what you’ve been forced to put on that shelf. See, to me, if you do not, you could be missing some great adventures or discovery that such close-minded thinking prevents any possibility for curiosity to spring, it’s all about the seeds you sow and that is unacceptable. Keep writing, keep striving, keep thriving in the ways that work for your unique special heart. Sing, dance, play, draw, make goals, eat well, love much, whatever you choose to do, never..stop...making...art, never stop being in-touch.

source: The Village Voice; Edge.org; Oprah.com; USLegal.com

#tate museum #<3 art #teaching #depression #brain & function #choose your own direction #mark wallinger #lisa feldman barrett #andrew w.k.#@rpbracker #theaster gates

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The Chase Files Daily Newscap 8/11/2019

Good Morning #realdreamchasers. Here is your daily news cap for Friday, November 68th, 2019. There is a lot to read and digest so take your time. Remember you can read full articles via Barbados Government Information Service (BGIS), Barbados Today (BT), or by purchasing a Weekend Nation Newspaper (WN).

EVANGELICAL WRATH – Even as one branch of the Abrahamic religious community seeks legal sanction for ritual cannabis use, Christian evangelical leaders have denounced the move, declaring it a ‘gateway’ to full legalisation. Pentecostal preachers declared they were not in support of Attorney General Dale Marshall’s announcement in Parliament on Tuesday that the legislation was coming because it was the right of the Rastafarian community to use the drug for sacramental purposes, in accordance with guarantees under the Bill of Rights in the Constitution of Barbados that protect religious freedom. The evangelists were united in the view that the move was a gateway to legalising marijuana for recreational purposes. Apostle Elesius Joseph, senior pastor at Apostolic Teaching Centre, declared there was no scientific evidence that suggested that using marijuana for sacramental purposes would provide medicinal benefits for Rastafarians. The community has long considered cannabis as an integral part of their sacramental rites. Joseph said he believed that marijuana use also led to other illicit drugs. He told Barbados TODAY: “Once you open it for religious use, who can define that the person who is using it, is using it for religious use and not for recreational purpose? “Once you do that, there are obviously no barriers to control it, or no opportunities to regulate it. “Once you open it for religious use you remove all regulations.” Apostle Joseph said that marijuana was a troublesome drug for young people that has affected their lives in several ways, including their neurological and psychological growth. He said: “When it is used for medicinal purposes it is regulated by a doctor. “The amount and how often it is prescribed will be regulated. “But when somebody uses it for religious and recreational purposes there is no monitoring process.” Apostle Dr David Durant of Restoration Ministries, a former senator, declared he was not only opposed to Rastafarians using the drug for religious purposes, but added that he would strongly advocate against “any other religion using it”. He said: “So I would ask that we be very cautious in going ahead. “We are a very small island and any great impact can have a devastating effect on the mental and intellectual capacity of our young people. “So I would want to put up a red flag and a big caution sign in going forward.” Reverend Thelma Greaves from Deliverance Temple House of Prayer said that while marijuana’s medicinal benefits had been proven scientifically, it should also be acknowledged that “it has bad effects too”. Reverend Greaves said what bothered her most was how would it be determined that marijuana would be used for religious beliefs, and not misused. She said: “I very much fear actually that this is a gateway to the legalisation of recreational marijuana and that is going to be devastating for the youth. “Recent research has shown that if you take marijuana before the age of 16, it has the capacity and the ability to damage your brain cells for ever. “Now if that is true, and you are going to legalize it, you are going to have young people in the Rastafarian religion who will be using it for worship and damaging themselves.” Pastor Hal Cumberbatch, also of Restoration Ministries, acknowledged that he was not familiar with Rastafarianism, but declared that he was not in total agreement with what he had been told about the faith. He said: “We have to go by the word of God if we claim that Christ is in us. “And I don’t see anywhere in the word of God that we should indulge in marijuana or smoking. “Smoking [abuses] the body to begin with and we are not to abuse the body. “Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and we must keep our bodies holy.” (BT)

GANJA GAMBLE – One of the nation’s Rastafarian leaders has expressed cautious optimism though not fully satisfied as Government begins to consider a proposed ‘sacrament bill’ to legalise the religion’s use of marijuana as part of its ritual. But the spokesman for the Ichirouganaim Council for the Advancement of Rastafari (ICAR) Adonijah said Government and the community are reportedly still “far apart” on certain restrictions to be imposed of the sacramental herb and key details were not revealed when Attorney General Dale Marshall made the announcement in Parliament last Tuesday. Adonijah told Barbados TODAY: “It is by no means a done deal. “It is a start and there are issues of course but I don’t think it would be right of me to discuss what those issues may be. “I think it is a welcomed start but ICAR is fully aware of the fact that this is by no means a resolution to this issue. “There is quite a way to go but this is a start and I welcome movement where there has been no movement before.” The Attorney General’s declaration on Tuesday provided tremendous insight on Government’s rationale for legalising cannabis for Rastafarians, said the ICAR spokesman. But Marshall disclosed very little about the parameters of the bill including the allowable quantities of marijuana, the locations where it could be used or other possible restrictions. He told the House of Assembly: “For us to continue to prohibit that, would be to continue to breach their fundamental constitutional rights. “And not just rights guaranteed by the Barbados Constitution, but rights guaranteed by the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.” In response, Adonijah pointed out that Marshall did not disclose where the law would be applied but said: “ I respect the negotiation process that is going on between ICAR and the Government but I would not want to just go and jump and let out something.” But hinting at a generational rift within the faith community, the Rastafarian leader sounded a conciliatory note as he indicated that while the group’s demands could not be facilitated overnight, younger factions within the movement were becoming restless. Adonijah said: “There’s quite a lot to it and based on my interactions with other people on Facebook, some people are very impatient and think the current situation is foolishness and [the legislation] should contain this or that, but people need to realise the context in which we are speaking. “In Barbados, just the fact that you are in the House of Assembly and calling the word cannabis is a big thing. “It would not appear to be a big thing for young people who have not been out there on the battlefield so long. “I have been on the battlefield and in the trenches for Rastafari and cannabis use for 40 years. “So the ones that have now come to the fight, understandably are impatient.” He said the previous Democratic Labour Party administration refused to discuss the Rastafarian community’s requests, and said he is pleased the current administration had started making provisions for some sacramental use after just 17 months in power. The prominent academic, cultural icon and journalist said: “Barbados is one of the most ‘Babylonian’ places in the Western Hemisphere and to make any kind of dent at all in that issue is significant. It does not mean by any means that ICAR is satisfied. “I am not satisfied with what I know about the bill, but I commend the fact that there has been a start, because there was nothing before. I feel for the people who are impatient but I want to tell them to put it into context.”(BT)

FINALLY – After years of enduring strong-arm tactics by law enforcement for the possession and use of marijuana, members of the local Rastafarian community believe light is at the end of the tunnel. At Temple Yard, a popular market and liming spot frequented by Rastafarians in Bridgetown, there was optimism after Attorney General, Dale Marshall’s announcement that marijuana would soon be decriminalised for religious purposes. While many say they’ve been defying local marijuana laws for decades, they told Barbados TODAY the move would bring an end to long-standing tension between them and the Royal Barbados Police Force. As Ras Binghi carefully crafted leather shoes at his stall in Temple Yard, he described the move as a “brilliant” one for the religious community, but interpreted it as an admission of guilt by the country’s political class for longstanding injustices.“The ‘system’ has now finally come to a stage where it recognises itself as a criminal, because they knew all along that marijuana was good, but they decriminalised it for their special purposes. The ‘system’ is now showing up itself and admitting [marijuana] wasn’t bad all along. It was really good but they were just bull-sh***ing us. It’s simple,” Binghi told Barbados TODAY. Describing the plant as his “birth certificate”, he said the new legislation would have little impact on his current lifestyle. “I was always smoking marijuana and if it’s not legal, I am smoking it and if it’s legal, I am smoking it. So there’s no change because marijuana is my birth certificate. It’s like my second name so I am going to smoke the same way and control myself the same way,” he declared. Over the past year, people who frequent Temple Yard have seen a marked reduction in the number of police raids in the area, but said they were staying vigilant until the new legislation had been passed in both Houses of Parliament. According to Roland Fagan, the Attorney General’s announcement in Parliament this week represents progress from “old laws of the plantocracy” which still exist. He told Barbados TODAY contrary to some beliefs, the plant did not prevent people from being productive members of society and more “progressive” laws on the issue would provide a great ease for Rastafarians and their families and the justice system. “We have more critical issues affecting the youth including outside influences bringing in guns. Right now we are exposed to the media and the Internet and the problems that come with such things. So to have the judicial system eased up from marijuana cases would be great and would allow us to concentrate on more serious community problems,” he said. For Fagan, marijuana is a burnt offering to “the master of creation” and represents one of the many gifts given to mankind. While many choose to smoke the herb, he stressed it can also be used for medicine, clothing, lumber, paint and textiles among other things. “There will always be people with differing opinions. When slavery was abolished, there were differences in opinion, when we proposed an NIS [National Insurance Scheme], there were differences in opinion and when people put forward free education, there were differences in opinion,” he said in response to naysayers. Another business owner in Temple Yard who asked to be identified only as ‘Rastafari’ described marijuana as a spiritual sacrament, which “gives a relaxing feeling, flourishes your mind with plenty thoughts and provides healing”. “I feel great and honestly it’s something that should have been done a long time ago. I am just glad to see it coming to pass that we finally get our rights as rastafari,” she said in response to the recent announcement. “There has been too much brutality and unfairness for just a plant. I have seen too much of it and I am happy the people in higher authority realise it is not worth it. The brutality that has come on us for this plant is not worth it. I have seen men snatched up and hit into the ground and given some really hard blows just for a ‘spliff’.” (BT)

ENLIGHTENED RASTAFARI – Like many who were teenagers in the 1970s, the Rastafarian idea, promoted through reggae music, was popular. Their claim to follow the teachings of the Bible convinced me that they were not only brothers in humanity, but brothers in faith. I researched their claims and was shocked to see “Jah” written in my Bible. During that period of my life, I talked about changing my name from Grenville to I-ville. However, I could not reconcile the idea of Haile Selassie (Ras Tafari) being Christ. So, we diverged on that one, but critical point of faith. During that time, I used to walk from Combermere School to the QEH after school. My mother worked as a nurse in the paediatrics department, caring for babies. I would sit among the patients waiting for her to finish her work. She would often tell me about the babies of the Rastafarians, who would needlessly suffer because they were fed nuts. What distressed her was the Rastas’ insistence on feeding their babies nuts, despite the obvious and apparent harm. I think that they have now wised-up, but their current state of enlightenment was no comfort to the babies who suffered unnecessarily, through their stubborn ignorance. The Rastafarians have made smoking marijuana part of their religious tradition. My primary concern is the safety of their children. Our lungs are not designed for smoke. That is why we tend to cough it out when exposed. Our bodies are designed to adapt to different environments, even smoke-filled ones. However, we normally pay a health price that may increase with increased exposure to a harmful environment. Some like to justify unpopular decisions by claiming that we are going where the science takes us. Well, science has proven, beyond doubt, that smoking is very unhealthy for humans. Further, it is extremely harmful to our children. To have our children exposed to either first-hand or second-hand smoke is even more irresponsible than feeding babies nuts. It was previously done through pure ignorance. The decision to legalise marijuana for religious purposes is not a Rastafarian issue, it is one that affects us all. Rastas get to smoke, but the public is burdened with increased taxes to pay for their children’s health costs, and all the other social costs associated with the abuse of the marijuana plant. There are two options for addressing this issue. The first is to prostitute for the Rastafarian vote by forcing through poorly thought-out legislation. The second option is to encourage and participate in an honest discussion on achieving a win-win situation wherever possible. But that will require both sides to be honest. Some topics that can be put on the table are: Is it mandatory for the marijuana plant to be smoked as part of the ritual – if so, then why? Can it be made into a tea – if not, then why not? Can it be diluted sufficiently so that everyone can drink it without any harmful health effects – if not, then why not? If our desire is to know the truth, then we should submit claims of truth to honest research. Truth should be able to withstand rigorous scrutiny. I love the Rastafarian community too much to blindly support badly thought-out ideas. That they are promoting this as a Rastafarian-only issue means that neither they, nor the Attorney General, have properly thought this through. Grenville Phillips II is a Chartered Structural Engineer and President of Solutions Barbados. He can be reached at [email protected]. (BT)

MEDICAL CANNABIS FOR 20,000 – Thousands of patients are to be given cannabis in the first large-scale study of the drug’s clinical effect. Medical cannabis, which is grown to a precise grade of active ingredient, was legalised in the UK a year ago. But only a handful of patients have since been prescribed the drug on the NHS because of what medical authorities have called a “paucity of evidence” that it works and is safe. The only option for patients is to either source cannabis illegally, and risk prosecution, or pay for a private prescription of the drug. The new study, called Project Twenty21, will subsidise cannabis for 20,000 patients to test its impact on seven conditions: chronic pain, multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, post-traumatic stress disorder, Tourette’s syndrome, anxiety disorder and substance abuse. Professor David Nutt of the organisation Drug Science, which is running the study, told Sky News: “I believe cannabis is going to be the most important innovation in medicine for the rest of my life. “Cannabis medicines can be life saving in disorders like severe childhood epilepsy. There are children who have died in this country in the last couple of years because they haven’t had access to cannabis. It’s outrageous, it’s unnecessary and we want to rectify it.” Lucy Stafford used to suffer severe chronic pain from the genetic connective tissue disorder Ehlers Danlos syndrome, which meant she could dislocate her joints simply by rolling over in bed. She was treated with opioid drugs, but they had little effect and had serious side effects. Since paying privately for medical cannabis, at a cost of £800 a month, her pain has reduced so much that she has stopped other treatments and started university. She told Sky News: “Now I can get up in the morning and even if I’m in the most unbearable amount of pain and feel like passing out and being sick, I can take my medication and be able to function and focus and live my life. If other medications were effective for us, we wouldn’t need this. “But the whole point is that everything that is currently being offered, such as opiates, diazepam and other horrible medications, just do not manage the conditions that we are living with. Medical cannabis does.” But the Project Twenty21 study will have to overcome medical scepticism. The clinical watchdog NICE said cannabis should not be prescribed for a range of medical conditions, including chronic pain. The new study has, however, been backed by the leading body of psychiatrists. Professor Wendy Burn, President of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, said: “The College welcomes this pilot project which it hopes will make an important contribution towards addressing the paucity of evidence for the use of cannabis-based medicinal products. “We hope that this pilot, along with other research such as more much-needed randomised control trials, will continue to build the evidence.”Medical cannabis was legalised last November following a series of high-profile cases, including eight-year-old Alfie Dingley, whose mother claimed the drug eased his severe epilepsy. Source:https://www.healtheuropa.eu/project-twenty21-launches/94695/ ; https://news.sky.com/story/cannabis-to-be-given-to-patients-in-first-study-of-drugs-clinical-effect-11855844 (BT)

CHECKING THE “B” WORD – The inbox of the National Organization of Women has had a significant amount of work over the last few hours. We have chastising comments, comments beseeching us to see the Caribbean humour in the way we do things, comments pondering whether we are serious and comments asking how Barbados remains in the dark ages while the world progresses. We live in the days of President Trump and social media. In other words, we live precariously on reality. It is not just enough to protect oneself against fake news. We also sometimes have to worry about the audacity of real news! I will demonstrate what I mean. Many have been drawing my attention to what seemed to be a legitimate Barbados advertising campaign in England. The ad seems to be sponsored by Virgin Atlantic but I say it is an approved government campaign because I am sure Virgin would have to be guided by authorities on how they represent brand Barbados. The words of the advertisement read, “We don’t mention the ‘B’ word unless it is followed by ‘arbados’”. I think many of my readers know by now that I am entirely fascinated with the endeavour of language. Even outside of the complaints that had been raised, I sought to follow the play on words around the room as it were. Sometimes in zeal to be politically correct, I concede that we can go too far left – take a joke for more than it was worth. So I sat, and I pondered the ad. I started to think of all the ‘B’ words that are linked to Barbados – beaches, beauty, our very own Banks beer. I quickly cycled through the positive connotations and all of them failed to fit the profile of what a ‘B’ word could be. I think the exercise also quickly became one in futility because common knowledge of our linguistic environment also hinders the selection of any word except the profanity we refer to as ‘the B word’. I am completely alarmed that this advertisement made it through proofreading and managerial checks and balances to end up on the streets of England. It smacks of the gender insensitivity that continues to characterise the Barbadian culture. This ‘B’ word has been a branding liberally assigned to any woman in this space, especially one seen as ‘black and strong’ as punishment for her audacity. Many people believe that we no longer should talk about these things because we now have a female Prime Minister and it is only a matter of time before these things iron themselves out. Unfortunately, the destruction of the system of patriarchal domination that fuels the views about women and which ones can be categorized by which ‘B’ words is not such a simplistic endeavour. Even when small gains are being made in the general views of individuals, still far too many people are unwilling to check a person who steps outside of the bonds of dignity in their treatment of women and girls. Women themselves fail to stand up in defence of a sister who may be accosted. Indeed, we end up with advertisements at the international level that make embarrassing guffaws. I don’t think it is accidental that it is driven by the entrenched and unchallenged views about women. Until both women and men are strong enough to stand up and say to problematic individuals that their behaviour is unacceptable, we will not challenge the ingrained culture of patriarchy. Until brand Barbados is scoured and shrouded in gender sensitivity and dignity, we cannot challenge patriarchy. Until our Parliament is gender sensitive in more than word alone, a switch out man for woman alone will not be adequate. A few weeks ago when we were in a flurry about a cursing that was recorded on social media, I made the point that the colour of the woman involved was not the takeaway. Men in Barbados are still allowed to drop slurs at women in an unchecked and culturally acceptable way. That was the takeaway. There is nothing wrong with the ‘B’ word in Barbados, especially when it is levelled against a perceived ‘out of place’ woman. That was the takeaway then, and it is the takeaway now and the entire English posse gets to watch the best of beautiful Barbados brilliantly! Marsha Hinds is the President of the National Organisation of Women. (BT)

IMF, PRIME MINISTER AGREE: ECONOMY ON TRACK – A day after co-finance minister Ryan Straughn declared the economy back on track, his senior partner in the ministry – Prime Minister Mia Amor Mottley – was joined in agreement with a top International Monetary Fund official. IMF Deputy Managing Director Tao Zhang, one of the four deputy heads of the Washington-based international financial institution, affirmed the Prime Minister’s position after they met to discuss the implementation of the IMF-sanctioned Barbados Economic Recovery and Transformation (BERT) programme. In an interview with the Barbados Government Information Service, Mottley said: “I think we are both satisfied that we are on track. “The country hears me saying all the time that they need to stay the course and we have to stay the course, but we are happy with where we are going. “We understand where we have capacity limitations and we are trying to fix them, in conjunction with the Fund, who really has been a good partner for Barbados, by allowing us to execute this homegrown programme in circumstances that are peculiar to our attributes as a small nation state and we are grateful for that.” She praised the IMF officials for understanding that BERT is not a one-size-fits-all prescription for the country. Two days ago, Government launched its external debt exchange, which is expected to close by the end of this month. The Prime Minister said Barbados’ ability to put the debt restructuring exercise completely behind it would allow Government to move fully into the next stage of the BERT programme. She said: “This would be to complete the structural changes that we have in our regulatory structure to make it easier, not just to do business, but for Barbadians to enjoy services that are delivered to them on a daily basis. “Secondly, for us to focus completely on the projects that are necessary to do the transformation, be it the transformation of our people through the continuous training in the National Training Initiative over the next four years, or the physical infrastructural projects that are absolutely critical to both accessing services or the delivery of jobs in the tourism sector and other areas of the new economy, be it the medical cannabis or renewable energy.” Congratulating the Government on its efforts to stabilise the economy and move forward with the reforms, Zhang said: “We are glad to be a part of the process, to be your partners and we remain committed to supporting and moving ahead together with you. “As you said, there is a lot of work that needs to be done in the future, and we will remain as committed, as ready and as prepared to move ahead.” The senior Government officials overseeing the economy, including Minister in the Ministry of Finance Ryan Straughn, Minister of Economic Affairs and Investment Marsha Caddle and Director of Finance Ian Carrington were joined by the IMF’s Director of the Western Hemisphere Department Alejandro Werner and Mission Chief Bert van Selm. Zhang also attended the one-day 2019 Caribbean Forum on Regional Transformation for Inclusive and Sustainable Growth, which was hosted jointly by Government, the Caribbean Development Bank and the IMF. (BT)

SMART BRIDGETOWN – ‘Smart Bridgetown’ – the Government’s promised project to link people to free high-speed internet access, has been given the thumbs up by an organisation that pioneered a similar initiative nearly a decade ago. The chair of the Barbados Entrepreneurship Foundation (BEF), Celeste Foster, said Smart Bridgetown matched perfectly with her not-for-profit organisation’s own free Wi-Fi project that was started in late 2010 towards helping to improve business facilitation. The first phase of the million-dollar Smart Bridgetown project, which Government said is to roll out by next month, will see free broadband Internet access being extended from the Bridgetown Port to Independence Square. Under the project, officials are also hoping to roll out smart parking solutions, a mobile app and an augmentation programme for The City. Foster declared Barbados the “most connected island in the western hemisphere” as a result of the BEF’s project. The foundation reported that at the end of 2013, the island had achieved a 93 per cent penetration through meeting the target of ensuring free Wi-Fi is within a one-kilometre range of each resident. Foster said Government’s plan of transforming the capital into a smart city was most welcome. She said: “When we started out we had a vision 2020… and we are talking about a smart Bridgetown which is one of our pillars. “We are so pleased because we had gone on to have smart bus stops and the BEF was behind that, the driving force behind getting the Wi-Fi at bus stops. “So we have been behind it quietly. And we are very pleased to see this particular initiative.” “We are able now to say we are ticking off the boxes as we approach 2020 and we have been able to achieve several of those goals that we set out to do.” (BT)

BANKS BREWERIES NOT SOLD – Banks Holdings Limited (BHL) says its subsidiary Banks (Barbados) Breweries Ltd has not been sold. BHL yesterday said a “rumour” claiming that the brewery, now owned by AMBEV, had a new buyer, was “completely false”. “The rumours that our subsidiary, Banks (Barbados) Breweries Ltd, has been sold are completely false. Banks Holdings Limited and its subsidiaries, remain a part of AMBEV,” an official said. “We heard this rumour as well when we announced the joint venture distribution company in September.” Brazil-based AMBEV, through subsidiary SLU Beverages, acquired a majority stake in BHL in 2015 after a takeover battle involving Trinidad and Tobago conglomerate ANSA McAL. (WN)

LOWER UNEMPLOYMENT BEFORE MANAGED MIGRATION – Prime Minister Mia Mottley’s push for managed migration of CARICOM nationals into Barbados as an answer to the island’s underpopulation problem, has been slammed by Opposition Leader Bishop Joseph Atherley, as “insensitive to out-of-work Barbadians.” In an interview with Barbados TODAY, Atherley contended that Mottley’s message was insensitive to the hundreds of Barbadians unable to find work. He further noted that the Prime Minister’s focus should first be on opening new sectors for unemployed Barbadians, before any attempt is made to turn attention outwards. “That message is not suited for this particular time. We are in a situation in Barbados where we cannot employ the numbers of people that we need to see employed. We have not opened up significantly, any new avenues of enterprise and industry in Barbados. We are still reliant on the traditional sectors, in particular, tourism. So I do not understand how you can be making it a priority message of yours, that we need to have a situation of managed migration, so that we can treat to the eventuality of having greater numbers in our population to facilitate our development,” said Atherley. The Opposition Leader suggested that the Prime Minister’s position was essentially a slap in the face of the public workers who were retrenched under the Barbados Economic Recovery and Transformation (BERT) programme. “You have people at the public service who were sent home under this BERT programme, you have people that have been sent home by the private sector. The economic situation in Barbados now, especially if you look with reference to the impact of taxation, is such that people are being laid off and sent home. We have thousands of people coming out of the secondary school system and at the tertiary level every year, and these persons cannot find work. So, this message of managed migration is not the right one,” he said. Speaking at a Regional Forum on Transformation at the Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre earlier this week, Mottley said, Barbados does not have enough people producing on a daily basis to be able to make the transformation that it needs to carry the country to the next level. “And that is why, on a sustained basis, I take the responsibility as lead Prime Minister for the CARICOM Single Market and Single Economy as passionately as I take the responsibility for the domestic affairs of this country… for the two are inextricably linked.” However, Atherley contended that Government should instead be focused on treating to the education system, ensuring that it produces persons who are able to fill sectors that are deficient in requisite skilled labour. He argued that within the traditional sectors, Barbadians were only finding low-level work and the time had come for Government to re-orient and re-train Barbadians so that they could build out new sectors. “Treat to the education system and treat to the matter of development of skill and knowledge bases in non-traditional areas. It is not a simple quick resort to bring persons in. I am all for welcoming our brothers and sisters from the Caribbean. I am a regionalist and an integrationist, and I support the free movement of people whole-heartedly. All I am saying is that having invested so heavily in our education system and with the number of people coming out of that system every year, the priority message cannot be to bring in more persons and add more numbers,” Atherley stressed. He added, “Our developmental orientation needs to be re-examined. Where are we? In this new era of new sectoral development with respect to energy, with respect to technology and even the creative economy, we have got to address the product that we are producing. We also have to try to bring people into ownership so that we could have a greater volume of self-business.” (BT)

COCKROACH VIDEO CAUSES STIR - Members of Alexandra’s Second Division cricket team are reportedly being disciplined for what concerned parents say is their role in disseminating a video on social media showing numerous cockroaches on the walls of the St Peter school. The video went viral over the weekend and was shared on WhatsApp, Facebook and Instagram. The cockroaches surfaced after heavy and persistent rainfall at the secondary school. A member of the cricket team is said to be responsible for sharing the video. Several upset parents complained to Barbados TODAY following an alleged decision by the school’s principal Orson Alleyne to force the cricket team to forfeit their match against Combermere on Saturday. They said the boys, ranging from first to sixth formers, were called into a meeting with the principal this evening where they were given the news. When contacted by Barbados TODAY, Alleyne neither confirmed nor denied that he had taken the decision for the team to forfeit the match. He however denied punishing the team. “I am not aware of any student at the Alexandra School being disciplined for any issue regarding that video,” he stated. He maintained that members of the cricket team were not being disciplined for their role in sending out the video. “Whoever shared that information, you should allow them to inform you if I have a meeting or an alleged meeting in my office. I can call students to have a meeting at any point, so I don’t know who would have informed you about that,” the principal said. “I was having meetings with students in the school concerning a matter which I think I need to discuss with them and the reality is that I think at the appropriate time any decision that I deem is necessary will be made.” When pressed again as to if the Alexandra team would play Saturday’s game against Combermere, Alleyne reiterated that the team was not being punished. But one irate parent whose son is on the team told Barbados TODAY she did not understand why the boys were being disciplined. She contended that they had done nothing wrong. “I’m at a loss as to why the cricket team has to forfeit their match. What did they do that was wrong?” she questioned. “By doing this the principal is sending a message to those boys that they are not to speak up when they see something wrong. He is telling them that they should be silent or should turn their backs when they see something wrong happening!” In fact, she said the principal should have lauded the boys for bringing the problem to his attention so it could be rectified. Another disgruntled mother said she felt the principal had not handled the situation well. She too agreed that the boys had done nothing to merit punishment, adding that the principal could have used the opportunity to speak to the cricketers. “Even if he had spoken to them and told them that there was no need to send out the video I would understand, but to punish them by not letting them play cricket on Saturday isn’t fair,” she told Barbados TODAY. “What if that had happened a day when all the students were at school, what would he have done? He would have suspended the entire school?” (BT)

TRUST ISSUES – If police want to regain the confidence of persons living in ‘at risk communities’ they have to improve the standard of their policing and forge stronger relationships with those residents. That was one of the recommendations coming out of two studies by criminologist Kim Ramsay and University of the West Indies lecturer and researcher Dr Dwayne Devonish. Using data gathered from the studies, the duo revealed that persons from six communities across Barbados considered to be high-risk, believed they could not trust the Royal Barbados Police Force (RBPF).The communities targeted were the Pine, Orleans, Deacons, Eden Lodge and Chapman Lane, all in St Michael and Wotton in Christ Church. Speaking at the release of the findings of the merged studies entitled Criminal Victimization and Fear of Crime in At Risk Communities at the UWI Graduate Studies’ building this morning, Ramsay cautioned that failure by law enforcement to mend that relationship could result in the uprising of a don. She said it was in that manner that Christopher Dudus Coke rose to become one of the most powerful drug lords in Jamaica. “We cannot afford to be like Jamaica and have a don takeover a community,” Ramsay warned. Dr Devonish said it was important for police to have the trust of all Barbadians, especially those residing in “low class” communities. “We made recommendations to a key player in the criminal justice system and that is the RBPF. The fact that there is a bigger call for improving the relationships between policing and not just community policing, but policing in general. “You have conflicts often time between what the community police officer wants to do and what a general police instruction or instructive might have come from to go into communities and intervene and then the two are not collaborating, so you are sending mixed signals to the community,” Dr Devonish explained. “There is also a call for increased training of police officers when it comes to community relations.” Other recommendations also included the establishment of a community driven National Taskforce on Communities Against Crime, the implementation of stronger sports programmes and the establishment of programmes suited to the needs of residents. Ramsay said while persons outside of those communities considered them to be hotspots for criminal activities, 65 per cent of the residents in those communities said they felt safe while only 15 per cent said they felt unsafe. “We found that the majority of persons in those communities were not fearful of crime in their communities. What I found interesting about this study is that even though persons were not fearful of crime there was crime all around them,” Ramsay pointed out. “That means in my opinion that they have become numb to the crime in their communities.” The study found that while Chapman Lane and the Orleans had the most ‘blocks’ and Wotton was least likely to have disorder, Eden Lodge had grown to become a problematic area. “Residents of Chapman Lane and Eden Lodge expressed the most fear as it related to walking alone in the community after dark…and when I spoke to persons who went and did the interviews, especially in Eden Lodge, they said the people are extremely concerned with the level of crime in their community. “They are concerned about it because there are shootings there almost every day,” she outlined. Ramsay said shootings and guns were the biggest concern among residents living in those communities. (BT)

TEARFUL ACCUSED GETS BAIL – A 56-year-old man must stay at least 200 yards away from a female complaiant. The order was handed down on Jeffery Adolphus Odle, of Grazettes Main, Road, St Michael when he reappeared in the District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court. He is accused of unlawfully entering the premises of Lizina Juman on November 2 after she had forbidden him to do so. He pleaded not guilty to the charge. The prosecution argued against bail saying that this was the second time the accused was before the court for the same complainant. However, in a tearful plea Odle informed Magistrate Kristie Cuffy-Sargeant that his wife had recently passed away and he needed to put things in place. The prosecution then withdrew its submissions given Odle’s situation but asked that conditions be imposed. The accused must now also stay away from Juman’s premises as well as her work place. Odle was granted $1,000 bail which he secured with one surety to reappear before the court on January 13, 2020.(BT)

CLOSING ARGUMENTS TOMORROW – Two accused closed their case today after hearing the evidence from their last witness in the No. 2 Supreme Court. John Andre Medford, of Silver Hill and Jamar Ganesh Nervais, of Harper’s Land, Sergeant Village both in Christ Church are accused of entering the St James home of Anthony White with intent to commit theft. It is also alleged that they had a firearm and a knife at the time of the offence on July 14, 2017. Tomorrow, the two men will make closing submissions before the nine-member jury hearing their case. It is then expected that the presiding judge, Justice Christopher Birch will give the summation before the jury deliberates on Monday. Today, Leross Burnett took the stand as a witness for the defence. He revealed that he was at karaoke at JJ’s Bar in Sergeant Village, Christ Church on July 14 when a fight broke out between two women, one of whom he said was his former girlfriend. “At one point in time we were in a relationship.” The fight, he said, occurred 4 a.m. and he saw Nervais ��on Thursday and Friday . . . [and] I saw you [Medford] after four or five morning time you got into a car.”. The case, in which Senior Crown Counsel Olivia Davis is the prosecutor, continues tomorrow at 9 a.m. (BT)

CHEFS AND BARTENDERS WANTED – Local chefs and bartenders interested in being members of the award-winning Barbados Culinary Team will have that opportunity when the Barbados Hotel and Tourism Association’s (BHTA) Barbados Culinary Competition comes off this month. The first leg will see the chefs cook-off on November 21 and 22, while the bartenders will be in action on December 5. The titles up for grabs include Chef of the Year, Bartender of the Year, Pastry Chef of the Year and Junior Chef of the Year. The deadline for entries is this Friday, November 8. BHTA’s CEO Senator Rudy Grant explained, “The competition is held bi-annually and is open to BHTA members only. As members of the Barbados Culinary Team, winners will go through extensive training to prepare them to represent Barbados at local, regional and international culinary and bartender competitions, exhibitions and food and beverage events. “This includes competing at the prestigious 2020 Taste of the Caribbean Culinary Competition, which takes place in June in Miami. There, they will compete for the honour of Caribbean Team of the Year, Chef of the Year, Pastry Chef of the Year, Bartender of the Year and Junior Chef of the Year, among other titles.” Last year’s Team brought home ten awards, including the prestigious title of Caribbean Team of the Year in addition to Team Gold, Caribbean Bartender of the Year Gold, Silver in the Caribbean Chef of the Year, Junior Chef of the Year and Pastry Chef of the Year as well as in the Individual beef and chocolate categories. Other awards included Bronze in the Individual Seafood category and first prize in the US Meat Export Federation Contemporary Caribbean Street Pork Competition – Pork Belly category. The 2019 Team is made up of Chefs Nicolas Ifill, Damian Leach, D’Sean Miller, Shanese Phoenix, Shamar Bishop, Jamal Whittaker, Junior Chef Kiara Riley, Mixologist Alexander Chandler as well as Team Manager Chef Henderson Butcher, Team Training Manager Assistant – Chef Glenroy Alleyne, Bartender Training Manager – Mixologist Ryan Adamson and Training Assistant – Chef Andre Nurse. Taste of the Caribbean is the region’s annual premier culinary competition, food and beverage educational exchange and Caribbean cultural showcase which provides a forum for food and beverage professionals to gather practical information, develop skills and participate in innovative and exciting educational sessions. (BT)

HATS OFF – Hilton Barbados Resort rewarded and acknowledged the outstanding performances and contribution of over 150 of its long-standing team members at the resort’s awards ceremony and luncheon recently. The awardees who came from various departments including Engineering, Finance, Food and Beverage, Human Resources, Front Office, Housekeeping, Kitchen, Stewarding, Security, Recreation, Reservations and Sales and Marketing were rewarded for five and ten years of service with the property. In her address, General Manager Tammy LeBlanc thanked the awardees for their sterling contribution over the years. She said, “Today’s awards ceremony is a celebration of your commitment and dedication to Hilton and Hilton Barbados Resort. You are truly the fabric of who we are. You make up what Hilton Barbados Resort is and today is all about you. “The last year has been a very busy one as we focused on making things better and improving all areas that impact you. I met personally with the majority of team members in different forums and it was all about asking questions and listening. We wanted to know what areas needed improving so that we could find solutions to make Hilton Barbados Resort an even greater place to work.” LeBlanc added that the ultimate goal is to be the best Hilton in the Caribbean: “When people think about the Caribbean we want them to think of Hilton Barbados Resort. We want to take the hotel to a new level. We want to improve upon all facets of the resort, whether it is in our room service, our guest rooms and suites, outlets, food and beverage operations or our team member areas.” The GM reminded that 2020 will be a special year for Hilton Barbados as the resort will be celebrating its 15th anniversary since reopening. She continued, “When the hotel opened almost 15 years ago we were very relevant in what we were offering and we continue to maintain our relevancy and improve as the years go on. “Continuous improvement in all areas so that we remain on the cutting edge of five-star resorts is key. We have the supporting tools. We have a great campaign. We are purchasing equipment and moving ahead with renovation plans. So today, what I ask of each and every one of you is for your continued support as the hotel grows from strength to strength, as only you can make this happen.” (BT)

MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE – As we head into the Christmas season, many children are excited about what they are going to get. The Joy to Your World Essay Contest asks children aged 9-13 to think how they are bringing joy to their world, how they are helping their families, neighbours, communities and how we can all make a difference and make Barbados better. The goal is to recognize children who are making a difference in their communities, doing acts of kindness, helping others as well as to encourage everyone to think about doing the same, to have empathy, to be generous and giving, to take initiative, to make a contribution and make things better for others. Twelve-year-old Natanya Weekes who won the top prize last year, said in her winning essay, “We can make Barbados better by encouraging others to stop littering, stop violence and misuse of drugs, stop abusing children and start feeding those who are hungry.” She believes we must teach youth to be caring and loving, reasoning that if we love our neighbours we will not want to harm them. Wholesome activities such as sports, music, debating and volunteering are activities she feels can steer youth in a positive direction. In terms of what she personally is doing to help others, Natanya says, “My mother calls me a mother hen because I am always concerned about others. At church I am always helping the little ones to complete their work. I help my teacher at school and at home I help with chores.When my mother is sick, I help her by making breakfast. In my community, there is an after school care for the physically challenged. I donate books and toys for the children and play games and dance with them. I loved the interaction. It made them happy, and it is my greatest joy.” All the children who participate in the essay contest are recognized at an event called Joy! on Sunday, December 1 at the Searocks Dome in Maxwell. The event is open to the public and features face painting, a photo booth, pony rides, family drum circle, booths, music and food. It will be a fun family day! Prizes are awarded to the top three students and then the event ends with a sunset singalong concert featuring Lil’ Stathis, Faith Callender, Ascending Stars and more special guests. First time sponsor Managing Director of CGI Peter Harris said, “At CGI we love to support positive initiatives like this that highlight the great things that our children are doing. It’s so important to give them encouragement to be active in their communities.” Celebrating the fourth anniversary of the contest, organizer Ebonnie Rowe always looks forward to reading the heartfelt essays. “This event is very close to my heart. It’s so touching to see how these children are genuinely passionate about making a contribution, making a difference and being good citizens. It leaves you feeling very positive and optimistic about the future,” he said. For more information contact: [email protected] (BT)

There are 54 days left in the year Shalom! Follow us on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram for your daily news. #thechasefiles #dailynewscaps #bajannewscaps #newsinanutshell

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vishak69-blog · 5 years

Text

If you need a reason to try harder

Story of Mr. Vishak

There are two kinds of people.One who thinks and another who doesn't.

One who thinks and another who doesn't.

Could that be a blessing or / and a curse?

One who thinks and another who doesn't.

Could that be a blessing or / and a curse?

A fire can cook a man’s dinner and it can cook a man. I’ve always tried redirecting my thoughts and actions towards something that I’m passionate about.

Music obviously topped the hunger list which I’ve taken it to this special place called nowhere. Wrote a ton of bars (Rap is what’s we’re discussing here) on government, poverty, politics, drugs, violence pretty much the directions that people suffer from the world accepted regularities. Taking the path traveled by my heroes, guys like Em, Pac, RAKIM, Shawn Carter and more. They were my single source of inspiration and outlet. Even my very few friends didn’t know about my writing and rapping. Playin’ low key produced my own beats and rapped to it with not a single visit to the studio cause of my pre-conceived perception of getting nowhere with this for one reason. India and Gangster Rap is like pretty girl doing dishes. The “Won’t happen” presumption sometimes kills lives you see. And this was way back when I was pursuing my masters. Hated every single day of school and hi-school. They never interested me nor what they teach nor what they do. Like EM said “I’m too cool to go back, show me where the f studio at”.

Which eventuated me to take a slight deviation from Rap scene into the discotheque atmosphere and I have not come across a term DJ. Didn’t have any idea about the clubs, night life, EDM, no nothing. Having said that, I produced my own beats and have mixed a ton of tracks majorly focusing on Progressive and Deep house (Ignore the technical terms) regardless. Then I got introduced to the club scene by a stranger then friend who gave me the opportunity to get my hands on the turntables and crowd control (not religion) which is in the club as I was sound with the technicalities. He was impressed by my live mixes. Post MBA, I landed in a job with a bank after 2 months of anxiety struggles. Now the elephant is trying to climb the tree.

Spent a decade of stint with this company and obviously no direction nor goal as I was just getting by with my career. Perhaps with my life I’d say. Couple of years has flown by with the corporate and everything was in its own pace. Met a stranger at a party, and partnered up with an event management company that he owned. Started gigging for a few years with an extreme lifestyle of sleepless nights accompanied by heavy drinking. Managing 2 boats at the time that is parties and the Bank job was challenging. But loved one side of the journey that kept me persisting. Wasn’t making anything out of gigs and I was all too blind to see the business side of it. But there was passion and lot more of passion. And took that opportunity as a learning experience. Simultaneously illusional promotions at work kind of kept me on the ring and DJ was a Titanic. It was all going down. Incidentally ran into the gym which was at work to have my weight checked. Never realized that this day would change it all. Even to the point of contemplation to take my DJ hat off few months later as the lifestyles for both sides were not going hand in hand. Thought came into reality.

Connected with the trainer at the gym and things started taking shape. Perhaps I was taking shape as it was just happening with no serious efforts or consciousness. When people at work started noticing and recognizing, I’ve realized maybe I’m doing something right. I was learning and experimenting on my body. Trial and error and more trial and error and lot more of it. Weighing almost 93, I was beefing up quick and I got big within months. But am I on the right track by packing just them muscles? I’m sure I don’t know. But more people started to talk about me, slowly but very steadily I started realizing what discipline was and I have kept it up to this day as you read this. 7 good quality years of longevity.

Me and my bud at the gym share food and conversation post training. On that particular night though as we were fueling after a training session, we spoke and decided on ripped physique. Getting jacked was the discussion. I was instantly hooked and juices started flowing in my head. I trained. And I trained like a mad dog regardless of my circumstances or time. Trained to a point where I almost forgot the meaning for the word “Excuse”. Most people started asking for help and wanted advice on training, food, lifestyle etc. Felt like I was the Austrian Oak. I was jacked from 93 to 64 kgs with 5% bodyfat within few months. No personal trainer no nutritionist no drugs no bragging and all natty. I was literally shi**ing only meat and veggies at that time because of force feeding tasteless food for months together. And it was worth every bit of it. More people started coming to me. And that fired me up to go hard every single day. Helped a few with setting goals and to visualize it and how to stay disciplined throughout without derailing.

Spent few years like this as the health aspect was on track which I was led to believe by the way I looked and felt. And that’s when I took a hit. A major hit on my lower back with the deadlift that helped me to get bed ridden for months together. Mental pain was more than physical you see. Losers started pitying me and asking me why I train so much and laughing in my absence. Only they realized later the value of my ABS sense. Criticism is a very noble factor. Taking trips across states to hospitals and contemplating suicide on the other hand as few docs advised me that I won’t be able to hit the gym ever in my life cause the damage is already done and it’s for life and so is the pain. So, I better be careful and never step into the iron game ever. That particular thought plunged into my brain like an arrow and left a permanent damage in my heart. Well, permanent at that time. My soul was shattered and there I hit the rock bottom instantaneously topped with depression. Icing on that particular cake was too fu*kin sweetened. My stubborn career held a meeting with me and told me that we’re gonna take another deep dive into the darkness. I asked what is this now??? Life replied “a dessert is good after a main course”. Everything started changing around me and the same people who looked up to me started repelling. There wasn’t one day that I turned up at work without a hoodie on and doing nightshift, so that I don’t have to face any of them mofos. Fear, anxiety and everything else associated with it kicked me and kicked me hard.

This was probably the transitional period of my life as I was begging god to please give me the fortitude to get my crap together. Then he replied “Sorry Son, I can’t help you with this because it’s a diarrhea. Apparently, sh*t was more scattered than it seemed. Because I was alone battling and didn’t want any of my close ones to know about my elite life. Not even my family. Fighting my darkness all by myself gave me an extra edge of independency though. It was more than “crap hit the fan” as my life was taking another vacation down to the rock bottom and so was my career. Colors of life.

Being broke isn’t a new story to me neither my starvation. Ironically a bank officer with a Double Masters in Finance and Marketing going broke to the point of having no food for days and days wishing only if someone could buy me a meal, that would be a heavenly experience. Never really crossed my mind that only I can fix my sh*t. Was too damn embarrassed to ask anyone for a meal because I was with a multinational Corporation. Was literally living with free crackers, free cookies and free coffee for weeks and weeks until the next paycheck. The taste of any real food was so delicious that my eyes leaked when it touched my tongue. Constantly having heavy threats about getting fired if I be Mr. Vishak because they took my confidence for arrogance. Back injury was in the process of recovery. But scared to death and anxious about my future and the jobless situation tomorrow if I may have to face and starvation topping the situation. It was a Perfect Marriage.

The grass was greener but something was just not right about it as it’s on the other side. I can’t go cheap for a passing cloud. Change in departments at my corporate world gave me a little breather. Warm team, excellent environment with best people to work and transparent management. Hard to find teams like that in corporate segments I was led to believe. I was 2 months away from losing my job cause few people didn’t like me on one team. And then there’s this man from another team who breath a whole new life into me regardless of people telling not to hire me. He believed in me and gave a me a chance. But still the elephant can’t climb a tree. Or can it?

Fast forward couple of years later, my next vehicle was film while still at the 9 to 5. Actually it was 5 AM to 2 PM. But a new inspiration to be a Film director. Focused on movies and joined a crew only to realize this was all going to be another titanic 2oo soon within a year. Months flown by and got nowhere and still proudly averaging at the bank job.

At the career meeting on a particular day I happened to be silent. Very silent that I wasn’t scared anymore about my future. Perhaps it was a calling. My boss was rapping jazz and I broke the silence retorting with these exact same words.

“Save the rap. Temporary failure doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a permanent defeat. You need a tank to take me down”. He gone blank and didn’t know what in the actual f was I talkin’ about.

Maybe I wasn’t meant for any of these. Maybe I would have done something if I had a guardian angel. May be a mentor. May be if I had someone to teach me things, I’d have done things right. May be someone to show the light. The question is why is an Elephant trying to climb a tree in the first place. That wasn’t the place for me and what I was doing was never what I wanted to do and everything else was just excuse and distraction. I can blame the whole world and situations and wonder if I had…. As a wise man rightly said, if you think they’re the problem, nothing will change. If you think you’re the problem, then everything will. Or may be its all my fault. Well, it is my fault of course. Because I’m sitting here looking at the world from a cubicle. That’s a mistake and I won’t be able to do what I came here to do if I continue the same and would get nowhere.

At that point, one thing was for sure. That silence was a deep breath before the storm. The thought that crossed my mind was “I want to be the person whom I never had”. Today the world we live in, 95% of the people live in conformity. Constantly looking for approval and trying to fit in and to get by. Now the question on the line is courage. Courage to convince myself to do it. I needed to have the courage to quit my job without searching for another one, as it was my first job. Courage to convince my family about it. Courage to get into the market that I don’t know. Learning sure helps. But COURAGE. It puts a very different face in people’s face. Sure, I did a lot of things and got nowhere and it was all invaluable learning experience. But the missing factor was a pair of testicles.

Hence the result of the equation is Black Major - The Human Development Company.

www.blackmajor.in

On a mission to propel people to take BOLD approach and transform their life.

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