#i’ve been too depressed to talk to anyone so if i haven’t replied to you im probably just too depressed to do so

[lil-katz]

#me #hi #face #selfie #sup #these are a few days old but is time really real #ugh #i’m bored #i’ve been too depressed to talk to anyone so if i haven’t replied to you im probably just too depressed to do so #don’t take it personal #unless ur being a creep then maybe take it personal

[astraysimp]

Heeeyyyyyyyyy. I’m back with another chapter of 9mitm! (This is also me trying to push through my current wave of depression and do something productive instead of cry….hehe..ye) HAVE TISSUES READY

<3 Summary: Chan was nervous about being a dad. Sure he knew he loved you, but you weren’t a couple (yet). But, seeing you with your newborn, introducing her to his band mates ,made him not nervous anymore

Warnings: fwb! To lovers , nervous channie, rest of skz meet baby Haneul, fluff, talk of hospital room(you’re still in hospital since you just had baby Haneul), baby talk, crying(HAPPY), talks of labor/delivery of a baby,fem!reader

Sorry if this is kinda bad…..I’m on the verge of tears as I’m writing this

Wc:2.1k

<3~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3~~~~~~~~~~~~~<3

“I’m pregnant……and it’s yours. That’s all Chan could hear before he blanked out. You were pregnant and it was his baby. “I love you.” Was all you could hear, as you sat across from him on your couch. “What?” You had both said in unison, your jaws dropped. He took a deep breath in, not expecting that news. “H-how far along are you, y/nnie ?” He asked, looking down at your stomach. “About a month.” You whispered, nervously fiddling with your shirt’s hem. “How long have you been uh- in love with me,channie” You asked, looking up at him.Chan knew his answer, though. He’s loved you since the moment you agreed to be friends with benefits, seeing it as his only way to be intimate with you, without having to confess. He knew friends with benefits were supposed to be no strings attached, no feelings. And, that’s why he was scared when he felt himself fall for you. He was petrified. Softly, clearing your throat , you nodded. “Wow…..so it’s been a while,” you whispered. “I -i understand if you don’t feel the same. I just need to get it out there, it’s been eating me alive. I’ve loved you for so long, I want us to be together, you mean the world to me and I don’t want to lose you. He rambled and gently grabbed your hand.

Little did Chan know, you felt the same way, and like him you were too scared to confess.

Smiling, you reached your hand up to caress his cheek, taking him aback. “Oh, Channie. My sweet boy, I love you too. I’ve loved you since we made love for the first time.” You smiled, leaning to kiss his cheek,before pulling back. “Can I tell you something, my love?” You asked, running your thumb over his bottom lip. He nodded, pressing a kiss to the pad of your thumb. “Of course. Want to know everything you’re willing to tell me,” he smiled. “I have only been giving myself to you, and you alone. There is no one else, for me….ever.” You smiled, seeing his light up, a dimpled smile gracing his features before he pulled you in for a long kiss. “Oh honey girl, I haven’t been with or thought of anyone else, other than you. You’re it for me, and now we have a baby.” He smiled, whispering against your lips.

Not just a baby…….his baby.

Pregnancy wasn’t easy. The first trimester was aggressive on you, constantly hitting you with morning sickness, food aversions, mood swings. It was tiring on your body. You and Chan thought that it’d get easier , the further along you got. Some things did and some things didn’t. The further along you got, the more your body would ache, the less your normal clothes would fit. It was a rollercoaster. However, Chan was there through everything, suggesting you move in with him. So you did, when you were 5 months in—but, he practically moved you in with him right after you told him you were pregnant and in love with him.

The third trimester was,probably, the hardest. Moving was difficult, your bump making your back ache, with its weight . Your cravings were all over the place. You asking him, “Baby, can you get me pickles and ice cream,” at 3am or whatever weird combination you wanted. But,every time he smiled, placing a kiss to your bump, “what baby wants, baby gets,” was his reply and 5 minutes later, he’d return with your request. He thought he wasn’t nervous, until your water broke and you cried out, “Channie!The baby’s coming!”

He was nervous on the drive to the hospital, constantly glancing at you as you cried in pain. You writhed, “Channie, hurry, it hurts.” Speeding, he pushed the gas, weaving through traffic as his heart raced. “Okay, baby. I’ll go as fast as I can.” He said, nervously tapping the steering wheel.

Chan was nervous as you were administered into your room. A baby bassinet in the corner, birth certificate on the table, and you were in the bed, a fetal monitor and heart monitor around your stomach. His heart was pounding…..he was really going to be a dad. But, suddenly you cried out as a contraction coursed through you, causing you to hunch over in pain.”Channie! Chan it hurts!’ And he rushed to your side, grabbing your hand. “I know, honey. Just squeeze my hand, okay?” He cooed, as you tucked your head into his chest, feeling another contraction coming…

7 hours 28 minutes, that’s how long your labor had been.

7 hours of it being contractions, getting an epidural and you crying, writhing in pain as you waited to be the full 10cm dilated.. Chan was there through it all though. Holding your hands when you groaned in pain, as every contraction ripped through your body, an immense amount of pressure felt in your pelvis. He held your hand as you got your epidural,but seeing the needle made him nervous. It was a big needle, leaving a catheter in your back to administer the medication. The sight of the needle alone made him wince. How were you getting through this?

28 minutes

Then came the pushing and he was suddenly more nervous than before. In a matter of minutes, your baby would be here. You would be parents and he would be a dad. He was nervous. Chan was by your bedside the whole time, his hand —tightly— locked in yours. Your legs were held up, head burrowed into your chest as you cried. “Chan! I can’t do this, I can’t!’ You wailed, the pressure feeling too much. Whimpering softly, he kissed the top of your head , “you can do this baby. Our baby will be here soon.” He soothed, pressing a cool cloth to your forehead. You shook your head, looking up at him with tear filled eyes. “No , it hurts too much, Channie. Can’t do it,” you cried as he frowned at you. “My girl, you’re so strong and you’re doing so good. I’m right here and soon so will baby wolf be.” He smoothed your hair, as another urge to push came and you tucked your chin to your chest.

28 minutes and 10 pushes later, shrill cries sounded through the hospital room and a crying baby girl was placed on your chest. “Congratulations, you have a healthy beautiful baby girl,” the nurse smiled at you and Chan. All you could do was, cry, you hand coming up to rest on her back. “Hi angel, it’s mommy. I can’t believe you’re here,” you cried, as the nurses whisked her away, recording her length, weight and footprints. Soon enough, the nurse brought her back , swaddled in a soft pink blanket and a hat on her head. Gently laying the baby in your arms,”what’s her name?” With teary eyes, you and Chan replied. “Haneul.”

Haneul Bahng, 23 inches, 7lbs 10 ounces.

“Baby Bahng is here.”

He texted his group chat with his band members. He smiled and sat beside you on the bed.You placed Haneul into Chan’s arms, watching as he looked down at her,.She looked so small in his arms. Gently humming, Chan rocked Haneul in his arms. “Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful? Isn’t she precious , less than one minute old.” He sang, looking at you before continuing. “And i never thought that we’d be making one as lovely as she. Isn’t she lovely,made from love?” He smiled. He sang that same song to you when you were still pregnant, feeling it fit you and him so well. He never thought he’d get to call you his, or father a baby with you. Sure, he’d dreamt of it, hoping it would someday happen but now it was reality.

Gently pressing a kiss to both yours and Haneul’s foreheads, he sniffled before he passed her back into your arms. “Hi my angel. Welcome to the world,” Chan whispered, as Haneul’s eyes opened, taking in the world around her. “Such a pretty girl, you are, Haneul.” He cooed, her big brown eyes looking back at him. You smiled as Chan reached a finger out to her, letting her hold it in her hand. “My precious girls.” But he still felt nervous. This was all so new to him.

20 minutes later, soft knocks hit the door and his band mates were peeking their heads in. “Hi. Can we come in?” Minho asked, with a soft smile on his face. Han nodded, holding a gift bag filled with baby stuff in his hand. “Yeah, I heard a special someone is here,” he added. Chan smiled, looking at you, where you were cradling Haneul in your arms. “Come in, guys. Be quiet though. Y/n is tired.” Chan said, as they all shuffled in. Hearing them enter, you looked up and smiled,”Hi guys. We have someone for you to meet,” you giggled. They all perked up, seeing the bundle in your arms, they set all their gifts down and rushed to your bedside.”Wah, she’s so tiny,” Changbin giggled, tearing up. Jeongin nodded, “she’s precious. Look at her little nose.”Nodding,Chan walked over, sitting on the other side of your bed.”Meet your niece, bros.” He smiled, leaning down to kiss your forehead. You smiled, sitting up and turning her to face them. “Guys…..meet Haneul Bahng.” You smiled, rocking her in your arms.

“Wah, she looks like a perfect mix of you and Chan hyung,”Felix cooed, watching as her eyes opened, looking at all of them. Hyunjin nodded, “She’s so quiet and small.” He whispered, reaching out to stroke a finger over her hand. “C-can I hold her?” Seungmin whispered, looking at you. Nodding your head, you smiled and gently placed her in his arms. “Careful, Seung,” you whispered as he smiled, blinking tears back. “Careful, you’re holding my world, there.”Chan interjected, gently pulling you into his side. Seungmin nodded, awestruck of how someone so small could have such a grip on him. “Hi, Haneul. I’m uncle Seungmin. I’ve waited so long to meet you.” He cooed, gently kissing her forehead. “Me next,” Felix smiled, arms already ready to hold Haneul. Seungmin, then, gently placed her in Felix’s arms. “ Hi angel girl, I’m your uncle Felix, but you can call me bbokie or uncle lixie.” He smiled and ran a finger over her cheek, ever so tenderly.

The next hour was spent by the rest of the band members taking turns to cuddle baby Haneul. Finally, she was gently placed back in your arms, as Chan sat beside you, his arm around your shoulders. “How does it feel, to be a parent?” Han asked, as they all looked at you and Chan. “It feels surreal. We’ve waited for so long and now that’s she’s here? It feels surreal but so amazing,” Chan said, as you nodded. “Yeah, to go from feeling her kicks and talking to her in my tummy, to actually holding her and seeing her little features, in person…..it’s such a beautiful feeling. Seeing how she grew with ultrasounds tells you that hey..I’m having a baby. But, getting to see her with my own eyes,and feel her skin with my hands, is surreal. It’s unreal.” You added, tearing up. It was true. Seeing the ultrasounds and feeling her kicks was nothing compared to having her in your arms.

Suddenly, seeing you with your baby, Chan felt his heart stop racing. He wasn’t nervous anymore. His dreams came true, he got you and now you have Haneul. He was ready to take on the new role of daddy. He could do this, as long as he had you by his side. Chan wasn’t nervous about changing dirty diapers, or waking up at 2 am to feed her. He was ready for it, because you would be with him experiencing it together.

<3<3 Please do not steal,copy,translate, modify, repost, claim or paraphrase my works, you will be blocked <3 AStraySimp 2023<3<3

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#9mitm #skz minho #skz fluff #stray kids texts #stray kids fluff #seungmin fluff #lee know fluff #seungmin x reader #han jisung fluff #jeongin x reader #changbin fluff #bang chan #dad!skz fics #dad!chan

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

First Time!February- Fic 6

Soft!Dom Lee Know x sub!fem reader

Requested by: this is all me baby

Content Includes: angst (a lot of it), reader is depressed and insecure about her lack of experience, slow burn, kissing, praise, crying, unprotected sex (don't do it), fingering (f receiving), oral (receiving), body worship (receiving), slight humiliation, fluff, virgin!reader, nipple play, cum play, comfort sex, corruption kink, possessiveness, hand-holding, aftercare.

I don't feel the themes I've written in this fic are 'toxic' but I'm not sure it's healthy either so just read with care.

Word Count: 4.2 K

The mug of tea was warm in your hands as you felt Lee Know sit down next to you on the couch, his hands cupped around his own as awkward silence filled the air. 

‘It’s um…been awhile since we last saw each other’ Lee Know commented, taking a sip of his tea as he gazed down at you. 

He didn’t know why he invited you to his place, he didn’t know you well, you were a friend of a friend that he has only spoken to a handful of times at social gatherings, made small talk here and there. 

‘Yeah, um at the party’ You chuckled awkwardly, Lee Know watched your body language, your posture was slumped and your shoulders drooped. 

‘I’m surprised you remembered me, I look very different dressed up than when I wear normal clothes’. 

The quip was light-hearted but it didn’t reach your eyes, the eyes he remembered that were bright and lively when he last saw you. 

‘Ahh, you gotta try and camouflage yourself more then, I was able to spot you right away in the store’ Lee Know joked half-heartedly, his eyes crinkling at the outer corners and smiling slightly at the giggle that filled the room. 

His stomach twisted lightly when you finally looked directly at him since sitting on the couch, your face was pale and he noticed how blotchy your skin looked, like you had been crying…and a lot. 

‘So…’ You raised the cup to your chin, blowing on the liquid lightly before taking a small sip, gulping before you spoke again. 

‘How are things with you? You seeing anyone?’ 

Your voice cracked at the end of the sentence and furrowed your brow as you cringed, hoping Lee Know didn’t notice how shaky your voice was. 

He didn’t reply right away as he watched your features and how you looked at him, he wanted to ask if you were okay but he didn’t know how, didn’t want to make things weird. 

‘Good…things haven’t changed much’ He took a sip, exhaling before speaking again. 

‘And no, I’m not seeing anyone, I’m too busy’ He held the mug on his thigh as he watched you again. 

‘You?’ 

The tightness in your throat came back at the question, your chest hitching as your fingers clenched around the mug of tea. 

‘No…course not…and I’m alright’. 

The light went off in Lee Know’s mind as he took another sip of tea, bingo…he thought as he held the mug of tea in his hand, shifting his legs so his body was facing you. 

‘You don’t look alright’ He supported his head with his arm, leaning it on the edge of the couch, his lip pursed in concern. 

‘What?’ Your voice pitched in tone, eyes widening at how straight-forward the comment was. 

He leaned in slightly, eyebrows furrowing as he thought about his answer, trying to refrain his response in a way that was inviting and not condescending. 

‘You don’t look alright’ He repeated with a soft but firm tone, speaking as he placed his mug on the table. 

‘You look…troubled, what’s going on for you?’ 

There was a lingering pause as you watched each other, an array of emotions spreading across your face as you pondered whether to be vulnerable or not. 

His words felt genuine and his eyes sparkled with kindness and concern, he was here to listen and that’s something you hadn’t had in awhile. 

‘I just’ You took one final sip of tea to quench your throat before staring into the mug. 

‘I’ve been alone for a while now and it just…hurts’. 

The confusion was rampant in his body as he watched you place the mug on the table, moving to face him now as you twiddled with the hem of your cotton jumper. 

‘But you have friends right? People to talk to?’

Your eyes rolled as you dismissed his answer, your eyes misting up and your bottom lip starting to quiver. 

‘That’s not what I mean…’ 

His heart ached at seeing you tear up, you looked so defeated and he was a bit surprised, shuffling his body further towards you by an inch, leaning his chest in. 

‘Do you mean like a…boyfriend?’ 

The moment dissipated with a shaky exhale, your eyes blurring with tears as you sniffled. 

‘Yeah, I’ve never been in a relationship’ A sob strangled itself from your chest, still gazing down at your lap. 

‘And I don’t know why, I don’t know why someone doesn't want to be with me’. 

You couldn’t see the shocked look on Lee Know’s face right now but it did graze his features before he attempted to blink it away. 

Yes, he hadn’t thought of you in that way before…

But you had a great sense of humour, bright eyes and a sparkling smile, why would you think that about yourself?  

‘I’m…I’m sure that there’s someone out there who likes-’ 

‘No!’ You interrupted him, wiping your eyes with the sleeve of your jumper as you shook your head. 

‘I don’t think there is, I’m 24 and no one has said anything Lee Know, I’ve asked out guys before and been rejected, no one has ever seen me that way before and I don’t know why and I just-I just feel so left out, I feel so left behind’. 

Lee Know hurriedly reached to grab the box of tissues from the coffee table, holding it to you as you pulled out some and wiped your nose, watching you catch your breath with shaky inhales. 

‘There’s nothing wrong with never being in a relationship at your age though’ His voice was low and sincere, he wasn’t touching you yet but he was close too, moving just a little bit more so both your knees were brushing against each other.

‘Everything happens differently for everyone, there’s no need to rush’. 

He hesitantly reached his fingers out as he brushed them against your knee, attempting to offer you some sort of comfort with his words and presence. 

‘I don’t know if this will help but you don’t need to compare yourselves to others, it’s okay to set your own pace and take your time with these things’. 

He was glad he invited you back to his apartment now and that he followed his intuition, he could feel you begin to relax around his space and that brought comfort to him. 

‘I know-I just’ You sighed out, wiping your cheeks before scrunching the tissue into a ball. 

‘I don’t know why guys just don’t find me attractive, I’m not ugly and I have a great personality? Is there something about me that guys just don’t like?’ 

There was no deceit in your eyes as you asked that question, you were completely genuine and wanted a serious answer from Lee Know, you weren’t sure what he could give you, you just wanted him to give you something. 

‘Um’ He cleared his throat, his eyes staring at the coffee table as he pondered, unable to think straight with how sad and fragile you looked sitting next to him right now. 

"I don’t know about other guys’ He said, glancing back at you. 

‘But I think you’re a great person’ He reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. 

‘And you’re very pretty’ He peered down at you, the corner of his lip tilted up in a half-smile. 

He watched as you gazed up at him through your lashes, your cheeks reddening from the sudden compliment. 

‘Really?’ You sniffled, complete disbelief in your eyes. 

‘Of course’ Lee Know’s eyes narrowed in mischief, his hand moving up to rub your shoulder lightly. 

‘Why would I lie?’ 

The remark made you giggle, your teeth flashing in a pearly smile as you lightly held onto Lee Know’s wrist. 

‘There it is, I got you to smile finally!’ 

A few small chuckles were shared as you leaned in to place that hand on the outside of Lee Know’s thigh, gazing up at him with adoration. 

‘Thank you, I feel so much better now’. 

‘I’m glad, I couldn't have you leave here all sad’ He spoke with warmth as he brushed the strands of hair out of your eyes, his nose almost brushing yours. 

He could feel your fingers trace the outside of his mid-thigh and his chest tightened from something even more, his eyes drawn to your tear-stained cheeks and ruby-coloured lips. 

Something stirred in you too as anticipation began to build in your stomach, flickering your eyes to his mouth before looking at him again, silently giving him your permission. 

‘I don’t know if this is-’ 

‘Please, Lee Know…it’s okay’

The whininess of your breath sparked a sense of curiosity in his mind as his mouth lightly grazed you, his lips pressing a weary kiss to your mouth. 

A shaky gasp was exchanged as you leaned in, supporting yourself with your hands as you kissed him again, this time it was firm and your lips parted with a loud noise. 

Lee Know’s hands clutched at your waist as he immediately pulled you in for another kiss, this time it was wet and heated, slotting your bottom lip between his mouth. 

It was over before he began as Lee Know pulled away from you breathlessly. 

‘I’m sorry-I shouldn’t have’ He moved to the edge of the couch, shaking his head,

 ‘I’m sorry’. 

Your mind shut off before you could think rationally and you felt yourself scrambling over to Lee Know. 

‘Please…don’t stop’ You pleaded as you wrapped your arms around your neck as you hovered over him, your legs almost straddling him. 

‘I want this’ You panted out, you were already breathless and your heart was racing. 

‘I need this, I need this so much Lee Know…please’. 

He could feel you trembling under his hands as his cheeks became flushed from how you were already breathless from the few kisses exchanged. 

‘I-I don’t want you to regret this’ He responded, his brain already losing any sense of logic as your hands cupped his face, stroking his cheekbones. 

‘I won’t..I just want one time….pleeasse’ Your voice cracked, you could feel your eyes tear up again with how badly you craved more. 

‘I won’t tell anyone, I’ll leave afterwards…you don’t even need to see me again, you can just forget about me’ You fisted your hands in his t-shirt, tears wetting your lashes. 

‘Just this once. I just want this one time’ You words were strangled with tears, attempting to compromise and bargain with your body, your heart. 

Twinges of guilt ran through Lee Know as he stared at your teary, pleading eyes. 

You sounded so needy right now, clingy and desperate. 

And he felt guilty for how turned on he was right now, your touches and words already clouding his mind. 

‘This is what you want?’ His voice was low and his eyes darkened, his fingers rubbing up your sides. 

‘For me to make you feel better?’ 

Your arms tightened around him as you nodded, fingers stroking the nape of his neck. 

‘Yes, I do, yes’ You ended the moment by leaning down to press your mouths together, sighing as Lee Know deepened the kiss, tilting his head to the side. 

He pulled himself up so he was sitting upright, grabbing your legs so you can straddle him, his hands squeezing your arse and causing you to moan into his mouth. 

Lee Know’s thoughts wandered as he kissed you more, your hands were frenzied and your kissing technique was slightly clumsy and off-kiltered. 

He called your name out and stared up at you deeply, tilting his chin up as he halted you still against him. 

‘How long has it been since someone has touched you?’ 

He felt your body stiffen under that question and you looked at him as if you were a deer in the headlights, your face filled with embarrassment. 

‘What do you…what do you mean?’ You answered coyly, though it wasn’t really working. 

‘You know what I mean’ He raised his eyebrow, smirking with his eyes. 

‘How long has it been since you were last with someone?’ 

An exhale of defeat left your body as you responded sheepishly. 

‘I’ve never…’ Your words trailed off as you shook your head. 

‘You’ve never had sex?’ His voice filled with surprise as his eyes widened at your response. 

‘No…I’ve tried, I’ve made out with guys before but nothing has ever happened, I just haven’t felt comfortable enough until now’. 

You could see the hesitation in Lee Know’s eyes at your honesty and you couldn’t, you had already humiliated yourself by practically begging Lee Know to fuck you…why not just throw you entire dignity on the line while you’re at it? 

‘But I want too with you, I really, really want too’ You were too embarrassed to look Lee Know in the eye so you settled for nuzzling your face in the side of his neck, your fingers clutched against his arms. 

‘I’ll try and make you feel good…I promise, I just want to experience this at least once in my life’. 

You cringed internally at how whiny and desperate you sounded in your mind, stooping to this level to be touched and appreciated. 

‘Can you stand up for me?’ You heard him say, feeling your heart drop as you unlaced your arms, reaching back and shakily standing up in the living room. 

You couldn’t look at Lee Know as he stood up after you and you almost braced yourself for the rejection, for him to say that he couldn’t do this, that he didn’t want you anymore. 

You heard him leave your side, his steps leading away from you and you glanced up at Lee Know with a pensive stare when he called your name. 

He tilted his head to the hallway and reached his hand out to you. 

‘The bedroom is this way’. 

…

Your eyes gazed up at the ceiling as you felt Lee Know gently pull your pants down your legs, dropping your ankle at a time and you were left in your bra and panties. 

‘You’re so beautiful’ He spoke softly to you, his fingers gliding along your naval and watching your skin prickle under his touch. 

‘Thanks’ You murmured as you could feel your body wanting to curl around itself, your knees dropping to the side as you stared at him, noticing how toned his bare chest was. 

‘You’re quite handsome yourself’ 

‘Oh, I know,’ Lee Know smirked, leaning down to hover over you as he adjusted your legs, lightly nudging them apart with his knee. 

‘A handsome man for a pretty girl’ 

He pressed his mouth to yours before you could say anything, trailing kisses down towards your ear. 

His lips on your neck had your back arching from his touch, a sigh of pleasure escaping you. 

‘God, you’re so sensitive mmmh? I’ve already got you moaning for me’. 

You were spaced out already and could only respond with a whine, his lips dusting your collarbones and his fingers near the hook of your bra. 

‘Can I take this off?’ He asked, there was an air of caution around you but you nodded, more insecure about your body than anything else. 

Your breasts were flushed and your nipples already hard, he couldn’t help but take one into his mouth, swirling his tongue around and moaning as your hands clutched his hair. 

‘I want to cover you with my marks, I want to make you mine’ 

He breathed out before paying attention to your other nipple, his free hand softly kneading your breasts. 

‘Please, do whatever you want’ You breathed as you writhed lightly under his touch, secretly wanting him to bruise you with his kisses so you could remember this when you leave. 

‘Oh, you’re letting me have control?’ Lee Know spoke in-between kisses down your naval, his tone sickly-sweet with a slight condescending tone. 

‘Such a good girl’. 

His hands traced around the seam of your panties, pulling them as they snapped back against your hips, smirking as you jolted. 

‘You’re so cute’ He praised with a low tone, pulling the band of your panties down your hips just an inch, staring at you with a dark, almost primal gaze. 

‘Can I pull these off?’ 

You nodded at Lee Know with hazy eyes, you could feel yourself become more wet at the anticipation of what you were about to experience. 

He slowly pulled the panties away in a teasing fashion, watching them slide down your thighs and removing them one ankle at a time. 

Lee Know’s gaze was intimidating and the thought of having someone so close to your heat caused your legs to snap together, a huff of disappointment filled the room. 

‘Don’t hide from me okay? He reassured you gently as he grabbed your knees and opened your legs. 

He slid your legs back down again as he laid in-between your thighs, his arm strewn over your hips as he anchored you to the bed. 

‘Fuck baby, look at you’ He moaned out in awe as he looked down at your pussy, your sensitive and touch-starved body meant you were dripping wet. 

‘So much for me to taste’ 

‘Awww!’ You moaned out in pleasure as Lee Know spread you out and placed a light kiss to your clit before licking a long stripe from your entrance up to your clit. 

‘Mmm, I knew you would taste so sweet for me’ He murmured against you as he paid all the attention to your clit, drawing circles around your clit before sucking it between his teeth and repeating the motion. 

Your whines and moans filled his bedroom as he ate you out with precision, your thoughts wandered to thinking how was he so good? How many girls had he done this too? 

Lee Know’s groans vibrated against you as you clutched your fingers in his hair, his arm pressing against your stomach which only enhanced the pleasure. 

You reached your peak rather quickly, cumming on his face within minutes of him touching you. 

‘Mmmm, you really needed that didn’t you?’ He pulled his face away, his mouth shiny with your slick and a look of accomplishment on his face. 

‘Please…I just, I want you now’ You pleaded out, reaching your hands out and making ‘grabby’ motions to him. 

‘Not yet, I need to use my fingers, get you extra wet for me, do you think you can handle another one?’ 

You already felt so dazed out and overwhelmed from the stimulation but you weren’t going to say no to more pleasure, you wanted to draw your time with Lee Know out and make it last. 

‘Okay, just one more’. 

‘Good, I’m going to make you feel so good’ He told you as he settled his face back down to your crotch again. 

A yelp left your mouth as you felt his tongue against your clit again, feeling his fingers scissor and spread inside of you, your hips arching against his face as you felt him touch areas you didn’t even know existed. 

‘Lee Know!’ You whined out as you came for the second time moments later, your mind blanking and the world becoming blurry as you came down from your high. 

The world came into focus as you felt Lee Know hover over you, he was now completely nude and you could feel the heaviness of his cock against your entrance. 

‘You’ve had my mouth, are you ready for my cock?’ He gently nudged your legs open and wrapped them around his hips, his hair flopping into his eyes. 

‘Please, I’m ready, please’ You whined out, tears misting your eyes again at how much you wanted him to be inside of you, jutting your hips against him as you clutched at his shoulders. 

‘I need it, I need you, I want this…I NEED this’ Your tone was desperate as you looked at Lee Know with pleading eyes, your brow furrowing as you attempted to pull him against you even more. 

‘Shhh’ He pressed a light kiss to your mouth, trying to reassure you and supported himself on his elbows, 

‘I’m going to give you what you need but you need to breathe, I’m going to go slowly’. 

You stared into Lee Know’s eyes as he first entered you, your hands gripping his biceps and shaky gasps leaving your body as you felt him stretch you. 

‘Fuck’ you murmured into his mouth as he kissed, breaking the kiss as you tilted your neck up and just felt, you just wanted to FEEL this moment of him stretching you. 

‘You’re so tight, you feel so good’ He spoke through clenched teeth, exhaling in relief as he bottomed out. 

‘Stay…just stay inside of me for a second’ Your fingers gripped his shoulders as you looked at him with misty eyes. 

‘I want to feel you, let me feel you for just a moment’. 

Lee Know’s hips stilled inside of you, leaning down and pressing a reassuring kiss to your mouth, one of his hands holding onto your thigh. 

‘Okay’ You tapped his shoulder and nodded at him, reassuring him to move. 

‘I’ll be gentle’ He told you again, slowly pulling his hips, gasping as he pulled out and moaning lightly as he slowly pushed in inside of you, beginning to create a slow pace. 

The moans slowly began to build as Lee Know set the rhythm, the intimacy of the moment building and your excitement growing at having someone touch you this way. 

‘You feel so good, you feel so good on top of me, thank you, thank you’ Your voice hitched and tears began to swell in your eyes again, overcome with gratitude. 

Lee Know’s mind swarmed with confusion and overwhelm as he felt you pulsating around him, your body wrapped around his. 

He didn’t love you but he loved having you underneath him, praising him, how desperate and needy you were and how much you desired to be with him. 

‘You like the way my cock feels inside of you?’ He grunted out, his hips snapping against you just a touch more firmly, groaning at the effect your sounds had on him. 

‘You love the way I feel on top of you?’ He panted out, admiring your fucked-out stare and your hands running up and down his back. 

‘Ahhh-yes! I love it-Mmm!’ Your head tilted back on the pillows, eyes closed and lashes fluttering from how good you felt right now. 

It was more than just having Lee Know fuck you, it hurt but you wanted it too, you wanted to feel the soreness and see the marks to remember this moment. 

And Lee Know’s heart filled with pride at knowing he was the first the fuck you and he wasn’t even that. 

You were exposing every fibre of being to him, he could see your heart in your desperate eyes, you were so quickly willing to give him every part of you. 

He hadn’t experienced this before, he was certain he’d never experience this again. 

‘Be mine’ He panted out as he removed his hand from your thigh, roughly removing your hands from his back and pinning them beside your head, his fingers clenched tight around yours. 

‘I’ll fill you, I’ll fill you every day, I’ll fuck the sadness away, I’ll be your first’. 

His thrusts accelerated and the snap of his hips against yours resounded in the room. 

‘Say it. Say you’ll be mine’ He demanded, his voice lowering and the softness of his stare leaving. 

‘I’m yours, I’m yours Lee Know, all for you’ You whined out, his thrusts bordering that line between pleasure and pain, you were sure your hips would bruise under his touch. 

Lee Know finished inside of you with a cry of your name, his cock spasming inside of you and his face buried in your neck, unclenching your fingers and dropping his hands against your sides. 

You both stayed silent for a few minutes as you both tried to catch your breath, your fingers raking through Lee Know’s sweaty hair and enjoying his warmth inside and on your skin. 

Lee Know ran his arm down your body and shifted to pull his cock out from inside of you, both of you wincing from how sensitive you were. 

‘Are you okay?’ Lee Know’s voice was soft again and his gaze filled with kindness. 

‘Mmm, I’m good.’ 

‘Do you want some water?’ He asked nicely, caring for your well-being. 

You didn’t realise how parched your throat was until now and your voice was all croaky. 

‘That’ll be great, thanks.’ 

Lee Know rolled onto the other side of the bed and you watched as he grabbed his briefs and put them on, standing up with a groan and leaving the room. 

A pang of anxiety was starting to pool in your stomach as you shuffled around looking for your underwear, keeping your thighs close together so his cum didn’t drip out of you. 

You were putting your pants on as Lee Know entered the room, his face looked at you in confusion. 

‘Where are you going?’ He asked, putting the glass of water down on the bedside table. 

‘I’m leaving…it was just one time right?’ You asked wearily. 

He sauntered towards you, tilting your chin up with his thumb so you could look directly into his eyes. 

‘I said I’ll be your first right? Now that you’re mine, I want to be your last’. 

This will be the longest fic in the series and it took me about 4 days to write this because I prefer to write more detail when it comes to angst.

The rest of my fics are going to be light-hearted and fluffy as.

Thank you @creativechaoticloner for the Lee Know banner!

If you would like to be included in the taglist, comment down below. 

Taglist: @destiny-fics @umbralhelwolf @starsareseen @hipster-shiz @creativechaoticloner @cherry-0420 @lino-jagiyaa @mischiefsmind @scuzmunkie @mrcarrots @reighlee-greaves @junieshohoho @partywithgyu @kodzukein @whatsk-poppinhomies @yeosdarling @hologramhoneymoon @dilucpegg3r @marievllr-abg @craxy-person @itbtoblikethatsometimes @gyuhanniescarat @staytinyinmybpack @thirstybchanstan @necessiteez @softquokka @wooyoungmybelovedhusband @hijeongguk

#stray kids smut #lee know smut #skz smut #minho smut #minho x reader #lee know fanfic #lee minho x reader #lee minho #kpop fanfic #kpop smut #stray kids scenarios #lee know skz #kpop hard hours #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #kpop x reader #stray kids angst #skz angst #lee know angst #kpop angst #stray kids hard hours #skz hard hours #stray kids x you #lee know x you #minho x you #kpop x you #kpop fic #first!time february 2023 #whatudowhennooneseesyou

[seoafin]

nail in the coffin

pairing: gojo satoru x fem!reader x geto suguru warnings/tags: established relationship, definitely not healthy relationship dynamics, explicit mentions of sex, dubious consent, happy birthday to my babygirl geto suguru im sorry this is so depressing, not exactly angst but not exactly fluff, unhealthy jealousy. talk of pregnancies and children. also mandatory gojo warning tag and he's not even in the fic. word count: ~3.8k read on ao3

“I don’t know what to get Suguru for his birthday.”

Shoko looks up from her paperwork at you. You lay on the infirmary bed closest to her desk, hands neatly folded over your stomach, as if about to relay all your worries to a shrink.

Your distress must be palpable because she shoots you a look of pure amusement. “You’ve done fine these past few years. I’ve never seen a man so happy to receive a potted plant.”

You stare at the ceiling, gnawing on your inner cheek. “It’s different now.”

“Oh?”

It is different now. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’re overthinking it, about all the infinitesimal ways things have changed when they haven’t. It feels like you’re the only one floundering, overwhelmed, trying to navigate the dynamics of your new relationship with Suguru and Satoru. Except the two of them are the same as they’ve always been: smiling, laughing, touching you like their hands belong on your skin, bringing you close with the same confidence of two high schoolers ready to take on the world.

Except it isn’t exactly new, according to your two boyfriends. Satoru had said nothing would change. Suguru told you that you didn’t need to be scared, that now, the three of you could stay together forever, and isn’t that what you had wanted in the first place? A relationship was a promise. A promise the three of you shared.

You’re still uncertain. Terrified.

Maybe nothing had changed for the two of them. But you approached the idea of a romantic relationship with apprehension and the panic of a fleeing hare. You’re not made for it, built for their love in a way anyone else would be. A normal, happy person would be ideal. You’re formed a little too oddly: not exactly straight, bent and twisted in sharp angles, and battered in places only a child can reach.

But when they hold you, the world feels like a better place, and everything feels a little more okay. You wonder if they feel the same. And when they kiss you, you do all you can to cling to that feeling, otherwise you’d drown in your constant worries.

It’s a temporary solution to a sinking ship. 

“You’re spiraling,” Shoko hums, the pen in her grip twirling around her hand. “Come back.”

You blink, feeling suddenly restless. “I just…want it to be special. More special.” You hesitate. “Satoru’s abroad too, so…”

Suguru hadn’t said anything about his upcoming birthday. Not even a mention of it. As if he had wanted to spare you this exact mental and emotional turmoil. Overthinking and agonizing over a seemingly mundane event. This morning, he kissed you, a brief passionate thing, before heading to Kyoto for a meeting at Kyoto Jujustu Tech, promising to be back before six. He had headed out the door only to come back three minutes later to take you on the counter, leaving you breathless and sated, your mind in twists and knots. Then while you had been in a daze, he had smoothed over your clothes, hands running over your body (a teasing pinch here and there), drawn you back back on two feet, and kissed you again, murmuring low declarations of love against your lip. 

I love you. I’ll see you soon.

Love, love, love. 

He pocketed your panties.

“You’re overthinking it,” comes Shoko’s reply. “From you, he’d be happy with a rock.” She eyes you as if she can discern every thought. “You don’t need to overcompensate. You’ve always been enough.”

Warmth blossoms in your chest at her words, tension unraveling, despite your uneasiness, and you appreciate them. Any other year, a new book and your sorry attempt at baking a cake would have sufficed. But now you aren’t sure. What do people get their lovers on their birthday? What had Satoru gotten for Suguru on his previous birthdays? Suguru for Satoru? You won’t be able to measure up. Not with all your failings in romance.

After a disastrous first date, and Satoru’s absence, you only want to make him happy. 

You reluctantly rise from the bed. “If Satoru were here…” You trail off. Two weeks abroad in the Philippines experiencing the last of torrential monsoons, discovering the sweets of a different culture, and documenting it all for you and Suguru and Shoko. You never get used to the feeling of missing him.

His presence would be welcome, but you aren’t sure this is something you could confide in to anyone but Shoko. Sometimes, you think your doubts are something they just wouldn’t be able to comprehend.

Just as you feared, a romantic relationship is profoundly different from sex. A purely sexual relationship with Satoru and Suguru had also meant your friendship could remain intact. Separate. Maybe at first, you had told yourself you didn’t mind, not when it made them so happy. Maybe you had always wanted it, but you didn’t need it. You were happy before, content. You don’t know how to be a lover. You don’t even know how to love, not in the way they deserve.

Bent and twisted.

You glance at the clock, feet hanging over the bed. “I should go. Tsumiki’s going to help the girls make a cake for Suguru.” You smile at the thought. Of course, you’d be relegated to clean up duty, but you wouldn’t be alone. Megumi would keep you company, just as he always did. A small extension of your shadow glued to your side while the girls fed batter to Megumi’s divine dogs and laughed, chattering about school assignments and their upcoming school field trip to the aquarium. 

Only then would you be able to forget about your worries for a while.

Getting to your feet, Shoko stops you.

“If you’re really that worried about a gift. Have you considered pregnancy?”

You nearly trip over your feet.

She shakes her head, laughter on the tip of her sigh. “That got your attention, didn’t it?”

……..

Suguru comes home just as the cake has been wrapped and placed into the oven to cook. Nanako immediately moves to stand in front of the oven with Tsumiki, their bodies blocking the cake. Suguru feigns ignorance about the cake as Mimiko clings to his leg. He picks her up in his arms and plants a kiss on top of her head, drawing Nanako away from the oven to demand a kiss for her too.

You’re washing the dishes, giving them to Megumi to dry when Suguru’s arm snakes around your waist and brings you chest to chest. Before you can utter a syllable, Suguru kisses you.

To the delight of the girls, and the great suffering of Megumi, who wrinkles his nose, places the dry plate in his hands on the rack, climbs down the stool, and shuffles away, divine dogs nipping at his feet. The girls follow after him, giggling. Video games in Megumi’s room, you’re sure.

He’s unusually happy. You could’ve sworn he had been whistling the same tune you often hear from Satoru’s lips. “I’m home.”

You place a steadying hand on his chest, a slow smile spreading on your face. “Welcome home.”

Suguru chuckles, brushing the hair out of your face fondly. “You sound like a housewife.” Then he glances at the apron tied around your waist, and kisses you again until you’re breathless, fingers fisted tight in his shirt.

“I was thinking,” he says, not disheveled in the slightest. Unlike you. “How about we go out tonight? There’s an izakaya that just opened up not far from here. We can go and decide whether or not it’s good enough to appease Satoru’s high taste.”

As long as there were sugary drinks and more sugar, you’re sure that would be more than enough to keep Satoru quiet for dinner.

“I don’t mind.” You look on the counter and realize Suguru brought home takeout KFC for the kids. Mimiko will be delighted. “I thought you had to get up early tomorrow—”

“I can be late,” he replies, lips curling into a mischievous smile. “I wasn’t planning on an early night anyway.”

Your face heats at the implication. At the memory of his lips this morning, the shape of his hands, and the burning desire of his gaze. You look to his pocket, unconsciously, and his lips pull into a teasing smirk. You look away, embarrassed. Feel heat pooling between your thighs underneath his darkening gaze.

You don’t get to ask him about what he might like for his birthday, what Satoru’s gotten him on his previous birthdays (before you had been added to this convoluted romantic equation), or anything of that note. Mimiko runs back into the kitchen and demands Suguru’s attention for a school project.

……..

The izakaya is bustling, close to bursting open with the amount of patrons seated around the wooden counter and in small, packed tables around the restaurant, forcing people leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder. Suguru leads you in, and you can’t help but be amused at the way the waitress brightens at his arrival, and the sight of her disappointment when she catches sight of you, next to him. There are two empty seats at the counter and you raise an eyebrow at Suguru. On a piece of paper in front plastered to the front door: No reservations.  

Upon being seated, Suguru and the waitress, Akari chat about the popular items on the menu as you look around the small area bathed in dim lights, and the scent of meat grilling on charcoal. You’d like to come here with Shoko on your next night out, and drink. Cheers erupt from across the izakaya. Five or six tables haphazardly pushed together to make one long table seating what looks like drinking college students. Girls on one side, guys on the other.

“A mixer,” Akari says, almost apologetically, as Suguru takes your jacket and hooks it behind him. She takes out a notepad and a pen. “I’m sure they’ll be ready to leave soon. You know how college students can be!”

“A mixer, huh,” Suguru muses. “I don’t miss those.”

“I’m sure you were popular with all the girls,” Akari blurts out. As if realizing her words, she flushes prettily. Suguru looks faintly embarrassed at the compliment, ducking his head.

“Well, I doubt I would’ve noticed either way,” Suguru says with a short chuckle, apologetic. “There was only one girl I was only ever interested in so…”

He’s looking at you. Even though the izakaya is thoroughly heated to stave off the winter cold outside, your face warms, insides twisting, and you swallow. Suguru takes your hand, massaging, warming it up from the biting cold.

“Oh!” She replies, clasping her hands together dreamily. “How long have the two of you been together?”

“Three years, give or take. It feels like we’ve been together since highschool though.”

You blink. Three years? Since high school? According to your estimations, it’s only been three months. You don’t have time to dwell on it because Akari asks if you’re ready to order. 

Suguru orders a little bit of everything. Braised foods, grilled foods, potato and cucumber salad, tuna and salmon sashimi, and two large pints of hakkaisan. You hadn’t planned on drinking tonight, but Suguru only grins conspiratorially, (“you have to try the seishu if you want to come here with Shoko”) and he’s right. Only the best for her. You note the menu has an entire subsection dedicated to western ice cream sundae desserts. Satoru will definitely like that.

Akari takes your order and briefly returns with your appetizers and two large pints of Hakkaisan. Suguru takes a picture and sends it to Satoru. Your phone vibrates from the force of the rapid stream of texts sent by Satoru's fast fingers. You turn your phone on silent.

When you take a large, long sip, it’s Suguru’s turn to raise an eyebrow. He wipes the foam off your lips and licks it off his thumb. You pointedly look away. Suguru’s laugh is good natured.

“Now,” Suguru murmurs, still audible despite the increasingly present background noise. He lightly bumps his leg into yours. He looks concerned. “What’s on your mind?”

Three years. High school. Birthday presents. His birthday. It all dies on your tongue.

“How was the meeting?” You ask instead.

Suguru doesn’t push. “Fine. Boring. Naoya was there.”

You down the rest of your Hakkaisan as Suguru looks on. You don’t know if you can be sober for this conversation. You don’t know if you want to. Satoru- kun , Suguru- kun . You frown. When there’s nothing left in your glass, you let him feed you a glazed meatball.

“Nothing about—”

“If Naoya wants to inherit the clan, leaving Megumi alone works in his favor. We both know how he feels about his inheritance, and I doubt he’ll change his mind.”

(Megumi, aged ten, coolly staring down at a seated Naobito: No. Thanks.)

“ Killing Megumi works in his favor,” you point out. It’s awful. He’d do it too like the coward he is. You’d previously held no strong feelings towards the Zenin other than annoyance and mutual dislike. He had liked Satoru and Suguru well enough, trailing after them while thinking you an eyesore, severely annoyed at your resistance to calling him Naoya- sama like his servants back home. Where, to him, is exactly where you belonged.

At least Shoko- chan is useful . Even if she is a woman, he’d said. You didn’t need him to tell you what you already knew. When he crudely told you that there were more useful things she could be doing, like passing down her reverse cursed technique, you had activated your own cursed technique and pushed him into the lake.

You supposed he was still sore about that, although you, yourself, had forgotten about it. After that altercation in high school, you never saw him again. Until Megumi.

“They won’t take him.” You say severely. “I won’t let them.”

Megumi and Tsumiki were yours , just as much as Mimiko and Nanako were Suguru’s, and you’d fight tooth and nail, just as you had when you were a high schooler to protect them. 

“ We won’t let them,” Suguru says gently. “We’ll protect the children.”

You relax at his words. The three of you. Just like it had been in high school. But also it’s not really the same is it? Now Suguru and Satoru kiss you like they’ve always been doing it. Nothing’s changed, you hear Satoru say in your head, but everything has. Now you regularly fall asleep to the sound of soft breathing, sandwiched between two bodies, and wake up to hands roaming your body as if they belong there. And when they fuck you, it’s so tender you’re unsure of what to do. You never dwell on it too long, you can’t, because they’re insistent on keeping you with them, in the heat of the moment, until you’re so strung out you can’t formulate words. Again and again, over and over—

Have you considered pregnancy? 

You aren’t even sure Satoru or Suguru want children, least of all with you. You’d be a horrible mother. Children—

You don’t know. Not anymore. It’s all so confusing. So you order the strongest whiskey cocktail on the menu, and ask for an extra dose of whiskey as Suguru looks on, and when Akari delivers it along with your first courses, you down the entire thing. And then order another.

……..

To everyone’s great astonishment, you had been twelve drinks in when Suguru cut you off. You’re not drunk. You think. Everything is slightly tilted towards the right but that might just be the weight of your head tilting precariously to one side. Even the dim lights are bright to your eyes. Okay, you’re drunk.

Suguru is looking at you, slightly swaying on your stool with such a lovestruck expression that the tangled bundle of nerves in your stomach slightly settles. You love him so much. But you also know that you are poisoning this relationship, this thing you have Satoru and Suguru, with your fears and concerns. It’s not right. It’s all your fault.

You love him and Satoru so much it feels like your heart might burst. You’re so happy that any day you’re terrified it might come to an abrupt end. You’re not ready for it to end. It will end. It always does. And it’ll be your fault for being so weak. For giving in. 

You stand, placing a hand on Suguru’s shoulder to steady yourself. His hand automatically goes to your waist.

“Washroom,” you tell him and you slowly make your way to the door, Suguru’s gaze following you all the way inside. The buzzing of the fluorescent lights scratch your eyes as you hover over the sink and sigh. You shouldn’t have drank so much.

You breathe, splash water on your face, and wash your hands. You aren’t sober, but you’re on your way. When you exit the bathroom, two college aged girls are sidled up to Suguru, and you stare.

You aren’t quite sure what to do. From the looks of it, they could just be having a conversation. You’re ill equipped and unprepared to handle a situation like this. But then the brunette puts her hand on Suguru’s shoulder and smiles, white teeth flashing, lips ruby red. Her friend with dyed blonde hair and a voluptuous chest begins to start playing with a lock of Suguru’s hair.

The hair that he had left down because you liked it down the most.

Everything’s changed, you think, making your way over. It’s not fair for Satoru to say it hasn’t. If it had been before you would’ve been fine. You would’ve quietly excused yourself and made yourself scarce. You would have encouraged it. You would have wanted them to be happy with a nice, normal girl. It was alright when it was just sex. They promised that that was all that it was. Just sex. A way all three of you could feel good. Mutually beneficial. But they had to kiss you, bring you to tears and then kiss those tears away.

Maybe if you give us a kiss first , Suguru would croon, underneath you, watching your heaving, desperate body with lidded eyes. Satoru’s nearly luminescent gaze hungrily trained on you as you struggled to form words.

They had to want more than you could give them.

When you get to your seat, conversation falls to a sudden silence. The two girls size you up, but you don’t pay them attention. You don’t bother to say anything. You grab a still seated Suguru by the middle of his shirt and pull him up into you for a long kiss.

You try to keep it chaste, but Suguru doesn’t let you, doesn’t want to. There’s a nip at your bottom lip, a demanding swipe of his tongue, but you refuse him entry. He’s smiling into your lips when you squeeze his shoulder, hard enough to hurt, and the two of you separate. He’s not even out of breath. Just so pleased with himself you wonder if he planned this, let some random girl touch his hair, touch him.

You tell yourself you don’t care. 

You turn on your heel, leaving him with the bill.

It doesn’t even take him five minutes to catch up with you.

“Are you mad?” He asks, your jacket on his arm. “You forgot your jacket—”

“Suguru,” you say. “What do you want for your birthday?”

You can tell he hadn’t been expecting that, because he momentarily blinks. Then smiles. When Suguru is taken off guard, it’s difficult to tell. Because he always smiles, but there are tells in his expression. “Anything wou—”

“Shoko said I should get pregnant.” You leave out the part where she had been joking. “Is that what you want? You and Satoru? How many children?”

You’d be lying if you said you had never thought about it. Birth control was only so secure, and Satoru and Suguru liked it, finishing inside of you.

You wouldn’t be averse to it. Satoru would give you a girl. Suguru, a boy, and maybe another girl. 

Suguru’s throat bobs, watching you. He thought you were joking. You’re not. “A couple,” he says slowly, gauging your face. “Girls,” he says, expression soft as he looks at you. “Satoru wants girls. A boy or two, so Megumi wouldn’t be alone.”

There’s a future here. It terrifies you so much. They want it, the both of them, this future you aren’t even sure you’ll be present for. 

“Now,” you say, licking your lips. You won’t let him look away, not now. “Tell me what you want for your birthday.”

“You,” he breathes out. He looks sad. “All of you.”

“Okay,” you say simply. Quietly. You’d do anything for him. For Satoru and Shoko. You look down at the frost lined streets and let your breath mist in the chilly air. You wordlessly take your jacket from Suguru and put it on.

You press your face into his chest. His arms envelope you. He’s warm, and for a few seconds you listen to the steady rhythm of his heart.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” You don’t mind if they hurt you. Never did. You look up at him. “I love you.”

His hands are surprisingly warm when he cups your face like you are the most precious thing in the world. But now you’ve made him sad. “I love you,” he says softly. “I love you so much.”

His words are undeniably true. He loves you. He and Satoru, in ways you never asked for. In ways that have brought them nothing but suffering. You don’t know if it’s worth it. You wonder if they regret it. You would’ve been forever content as a spectator.

In four days Satoru will be back home, right back in Suguru’s arms. He’ll kiss you greedily, all consuming, as if to make up for the lost time, and then the three of you will end up in the bedroom the three of you now permanently share, clothes strewn all over the room. Satoru will fuck you first if he hasn’t already had Suguru. Then Suguru. Then he will spread the rest of the night buried between your thighs, below you, on top of you, leaving his mark on your body, as if to make up for the lost time while Suguru takes your mouth. Then the two of them will fuck you together. You will cry, cling to them, and kiss them. Messy, cum swapping, consuming exchanges that swallow you whole. They will kiss you back to devour you, and only then will they be satisfied. 

In the pale light of the morning, sometimes you press your ear to their chests, close your eyes, and listen. Like listening to the call of the ocean, the tides, in the opening of a conch. No two heartbeats are the same. Not even theirs.

But right now Suguru is not asleep. You close your eyes and dedicate yourself to memorization. In four days you will lie awake on Satoru’s chest, and listen to the heartbeat that makes him human.

Right now though, you think, this is enough, and you are content.

a/n:

-when i conceptualized this it was initially haha you get drunk and kiss geto. wouldn't that be cute. and then it turned into this. in an effort to defend myself i will say that the people wanted an established relationship!

-so i know this fic ends on a debbie downer mood but i swear they will talk about it. sometime later. maybe. rip!mc is just a lillll dumb so. she just needs space y'all (and maybe an apartment (to herself))) and we all know what boundaries mean to One Gojo Satoru. also yes geto can be a male manipulator at times. that's why we love him.

-yes rip!mc attempts to murder naoya yes she forgets about it right after. that's just how irrelevant he is. she probably saw a cat right after or smt idk.

-rip!mc still does not know stsg have been pining since hs. shoko is like you still haven't told her and geto is like. baby steps.

-nail in the coffin is a whisky cocktail made with japanese whisky. i thought it was hilariously ironic. also if ur a true shoko fan you should know she orders whisky cocktails in the light novel!!!

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #geto suguru x reader #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x reader x geto suguru #m.jjk

[hollywoodxwhore]

Ours | Chapter Twelve

Colson x Presley (Original Female Character)

Synopsis: Presley and Colson fell in love accidentally, but they were meant to be. Now that all the obstacles have been removed, they're moving in together in LA. Now, they have all the time in the world for Colson to teach Presley all of the things he knows. This fic is the sequel to Mine, which can be found in my masterlist!

Warnings/Content: ANGST (it's going to get worse after this chapter so please check content warnings), swearing, depression, col over reacting, col & presley arguing, mentions of domestic abuse, MF being a dumb asshole

Colson

I’ve been walking around like a zombie for the past three weeks.

I feel terrible about it. I should be celebrating our album, celebrating the fact that I’m married, celebrating my birthday that passed by weeks ago, but I can’t. April turned into May and as the weather warms and the days get longer, I just can’t pull myself out of this hole. 

I barely talk to anyone, even Presley. She’s understanding and kind and patient but I know how much it hurts her. We fall asleep together most nights but we haven’t had sex since before Megan’s post came out. I miss her, of course I do. 

I find her in the kitchen, finishing up dinner, and before she notices me, I take a second to watch her. She looks like she’s lost some weight from her already thin frame. Her hair is in a messy claw clip and she wears sweats and a giant t-shirt. Come to think of it, she’s been acting depressed, too. Probably because her husband has turned into a depressed lump whom half the world hates. Maybe half the world is dramatic, but it feels like it.

I haven’t been on social media and I’ve only been replying to those closest to me. Even then, my replies are few and far between. I can only imagine what’s being said about me. My lawyer told me Megan was forced to delete her post, but it’s not like it matters. Everyone already saw it. Everyone already drew their own conclusions. 

As Presley turns around to place our bowls on the island, she spots me. She straightens up a little and her face, a mask of misery and exhaustion, transforms into a weak smile. She’s trying so hard for me but I can tell she’s also feeling broken. I imagine I’d feel the same way if she was going through something painful. I sigh and walk over to her. She turns to look up at me and I slide my arms around her waist, pulling her in.

“Col,” she murmurs, nuzzling her face against my neck. I say nothing. I stand there and hold my wife, trying my best to draw strength from her. But nothing is better and everything is fucked up and I’m so scared. I just need Presley. I need to be close to her, to forget the rest of the world. 

I bend to scoop her up and her legs go easily around my waist. I settle her on the island and press my forehead to hers, my hands sliding over her thighs. “Pres,” I say roughly. Her hand delicately rests on my cheek. “I’m sorry I haven’t been myself.”

“Colson,” Presley tries, shaking her head, but I continue.

“It’s not fair for me to shut you out. I just don’t have anything productive to say,” I mutter.

“Talking about your feelings isn’t unproductive, Col,” Presley gently points out. “I just want you to tell me what you’re feeling. What you’re thinking.”

“I’m…I’m fucking scared,” I say haltingly, like the words don’t want to come out. “I don’t know what this is going to mean for my career. It could kill me, Pres.”

Presley chews her lip. “Quite honestly, there are a ton of abusive men in Hollywood and they’re pretty much all forgiven.”

My brow furrows. “But I’m not an abuser,” I say tightly.

“No, Col, I know that,” Presley says, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean–”

I push away from her, shaking my head. “Don’t even compare me to those assholes,” I say, anger and fear rising in my chest. 

Presley’s eyes widen as she hops down from the counter. “Colson, I’m not–”

“You fucking believe her, don’t you?” I scoff, frowning deeply at my wife. 

“Colson, you’re–”

“Nah, that’s fucking cute, Presley,” I say shortly, tearing a hand through my hair. “Thought you of all people had my back.”

“Colson, stop!” Presley pleads, crossing her arms protectively across her chest.

“Let me guess, you’re going to ask for a divorce soon,” I scoff. I know I’m being unreasonable, but I don’t want to be blindsided again. If she’s going to leave, I need to be prepared for it.

“Stop. You just want to hurt your own feelings,” Presley shoots back, her eyes narrowing. “You know I don’t feel that way.”

“Maybe you fucking do, though,” I mutter, and Presley explodes.

“Oh, fuck off!” she snaps, her eyes wide and fierce with anger. “I’ve been nothing but supportive and patient and sweet to you. I don’t force you to talk. I don’t tell you what to do. And now you want to put shit on me?”

“Presley,” I say, heart sinking. 

She shakes her head, holding a hand up. “You can wallow in your own fucking misery by yourself tonight,” she says. “I’m going to Cash’s.” With that, she abandons the kitchen and takes the stairs two at a time up to our room. 

Panic rises within me and I want to follow her but I feel frozen in place. She comes downstairs a few minutes later. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Presley slips into a pair of slides, shoulders her bag, and slams out of the house. 

And now, I’m completely alone. 

Presley

I wake up at Cash’s place the next morning with my eyes so swollen I can barely open them.

I don’t let Colson see how much this all impacts me because he’s the one really dealing with it. I’m just the wife. But I’m also the one who sees what’s being said on social media. I’m the one that interacts most with Jason, Colson’s lawyer. I’m the one who responds to texts from friends and emails about interviews. I don’t think Colson has any idea how much I’ve been doing since this all happened.

I’m completely exhausted. I miss my husband. I miss how things were just a month ago, before Megan ruined everything. She can’t stand seeing Colson happy with someone else. I see it for exactly what it is, but too many people still see Megan as this sexy, perfect woman and how dare MGK even breathe the same air as her! 

I hate her, and I don’t hate people. Usually, I’m pretty indifferent to anyone I don’t know. I’m protective of those I love, but I’m pretty good at just brushing people off. But I actually hate Megan. The fact that she’s making allegations like this for attention, for revenge on Colson for not taking her back when she was the one who hurt him in the first place. Colson is right – he’ll probably never come back from allegations like this. 

Jason is at a standstill with things; Megan’s lawyer isn’t very communicative, but I wake up with a strong feeling that I have to do something about this and very fucking soon. I stare at the ceiling for a long time, fingers twitching. “Fuck it,” I mutter, snatching my phone off the nightstand. Do not disturb is still on, so I ignore any notifications and scroll down, finding her original text to me. I type up the message and stare at it for three minutes before I finally hit send. 

There. Can’t take it back now.

It’s raining as I navigate LA traffic, hoodie pulled over my head. I must look wild right now, no makeup, messy hair, sweats and a hoodie. Slides on my feet. But I don’t give a fuck. This ends today. 

I send a text to announce my arrival and the gate slowly creeps open. It gives me some satisfaction that her house is smaller than ours and nowhere near as nice or unique. I park in front of the garage and walk up to the front door. I should be nervous but I’m not. I’m angry. I’m motivated. She doesn’t get to do this.

Before I even walk up the steps, the door is open. Megan stands there, one hand curled around the door, her long nails like talons. It’s funny – I used to have such a crush on Megan Fox. She was that girl-next-door kind of sexy, a little daring in the things she’d say but still coy enough. But up close, it’s clear just how much surgery she’s gotten done, and it doesn’t suit her. She can do whatever she wants; anyone can. But that doesn’t mean it looks good.

We nod at each other and I step inside as she moves out of my way. “Shoes off, please,” she says, and I leave my slides by the door. I follow her into a stark white dining room area. It’s the exact opposite of comfortable here. How does anyone live like this? 

“Have a seat,” Megan says, gesturing to one of the stiff chairs. I need to play this the right way, so I do as I’m told. She goes to the other side of the table and has a seat, slowly pushing her long hair off her shoulder. Her eyes find mine and she regards me for a second. Then, she smirks. “Colson has a type.”

“I don’t think he does,” I say, unable to help myself. “Where you’re a cold, vindictive bitch, I’m actually nice and I care about him.”

Megan snickers, quirking a brow. “Good to know you have some bite to you, Presley,” she says. “Why did you want to come here?”

“I thought we could have tea and girl talk,” I say, cocking my head to the side. “Why do you think I’m here, Megan?” I’m trying to keep it together, but now that I’m across the table from her, my anger is an entity in the room with us. 

She smirks but then it fades. She’s an actress but not a very good one. She’s trying so hard to look broken and sad but I see right fucking through it. “Has he hit you yet?” she asks.

“Cut the bullshit,” I say, tone clipped. “You and I both know Colson never laid a hand on you.”

“Oh, he laid hands on me several times, if you catch what I’m saying,” she says, that smirk reappearing. “Does he tell you you’re the most stunning woman he’s ever seen while he fucks you?” She leans forward, pressing her huge, fake breasts up. “He once told me I have the nicest body of any woman he’s been with. Has he said that to you?”

She’s trying to hurt me. She’s trying to get me to snap. This is what she does. I absolutely refuse to give into her games.

“So you’re saying any time he touched you, it was consensual,” I say.

Megan rolls her eyes. “Of course. You guys are all idiots,” she says. “Colson can posture all he wants but you know he’d never hurt a fly. But it’s so easy to get people to believe it. He has a reputation, after all. Aren’t you quite a bit younger than he is?”

“And aren’t you ten-plus years older than me and trying to scare me?” I shoot back. There it is – a tiny crack in the persona. A flicker of insecurity. It empowers me. “Why can’t you just let us be happy? You didn’t even want him. You left him, remember?”

Megan leans back, crossing her arms. “And now I want him back,” she says, eyes burning into mine.

“Do you think this is the way to get him back?” I ask, incredulous. “Holy shit. That’s so sad.”

“Don’t do that,” she says, a sour look taking over her features. “Don’t try to make me feel pathetic. It won’t work.”

“You need to admit that Colson never hurt you. Or his lawyer is going to sue you for everything you fucking have,” I say coldly.

“So what?” Megan snorts. “He can go right ahead. What’s done is done. No one will ever forget that I put that post out there.” She shrugs.

“But he never hit you. He never physically assaulted you,” I say.

“Of course he didn’t,” Megan scoffs. “Like I said, he was a pussy.”

My nostrils flare in anger but I’m almost done. “I want you to admit it,” I mutter. “To me.”

“Really?” Megan says, a grin broadening on her face. “You want me to admit that Colson never hurt me? He didn’t. In fact, I hit him. Several times. He deserved it.” Another crack in the exterior. A cold, desolate anger that I’ve never seen in anyone else before. This woman is fucking scary. 

“You’re sick,” I say, getting to my feet. “Leave us the fuck alone.”

“We’ll see about that,” Megan says from where she sits. I slip into my shoes and leave. 

As soon as I get in the car, I stop the audio recording, a smile growing slowly on my face. I toggle to the end of the recording, stopping it right before her confession. I got it. I fucking got it.

This ends now.

Taglist: @triplexdoublex @jaxbreaker @mgklove99xx @jinx-on-mars-19xx @iamnotanearthlingmotherfucker @anonymousme86 @whiteleoqueen @feroniakutenpuu @hxllywoodwhxree

#mgk #mgk fanfic #mgk fan fiction #mgk angst #colson baker #colson baker fanfic #colson baker fan fiction #colson baker angst #machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly fanfic #machine gun kelly fanfiction #machine gun kelly angst

[lily-174]

Hey! I saw your requests were open. Would you be able to do a Steve x reader, just make it pure angst lol and if the reader could be the older Henderson sister that would be great as well! Toodles lover 🤎

‘death doesn’t just happen to you’ - steve harrington

trigger warning: depression, low self image, angst, fluff

a/n: i really don’t think this is what you had in mind but i really wanted to write a steve comforting reader type thing so here we go!

**

since you found out about the upside down there had been a lot more pressure put on you to look after dustin and his friends, also working long shifts, school and maintaining your relationships with steve you were very stressed. you’d had a few issues with your mental health before, but obviously it wasn’t really taken seriously. you’d never really heard anyone talk about what you’d been experiencing. and you didn’t want anyone to think you were weak, or anyone to worry. and you definitely didn’t want anyone to think you were crazy.

with everything that had been going on in hawkins, steve had noticed you’d been putting yourself in more dangerous situations to help everyone and just in general he noticed you were doing naive things that could potentially cause you harm. your little brother dustin had also noticed.

**

“harrington!” dustin shouted running into the video store where steve and robin were working.

“be quiet dustin” robin sighed behind a self putting different movies on the shelves. as steve walked out from the back of the store.

“henderson, what are you doing here? arent you supposed to be in school or something?”

“no. no i am not. have you noticed y/n acting strange. what if somethings going on with her? like will, or vecna or something!” dustin started rambling about different theories.

“you do know, human problems still exist too right?”

“but what if it’s not!”

“look henderson, go home. make sure she’s okay. and i’ll come by later and talk to her okay? i haven’t seen her in a few days i’ll see if somethings up. don’t worry. we’ll figure it out okay bud”

**

you sat in your room getting ready, doing your makeup. you felt like shit, you’d been in bed the past few days, avoiding steve, school, your brother, basically avoiding everything. that was when you heard a knock on your bedroom door, you ignored it but they opened the door anyway. when steve walked in you got up straight away.

“what are you doing here?” you asked suprised he was here.

“i’m checking up on my pretty lady.” he smiles wrapping his hands around your waist.

“steve go home..” you stated removing his hands from your waist, his face dropped.

“what’s going on with you?” he asked crossing his arms.

“nothings going on with me.”

“well there clearly is something going on! y/n you don’t think i’ve noticed! every thing that has happened recently the way you’ve been acting. you dont care as much anymore ” he exclaimed, after your recent behaviour. you putting yourself in danger he was worried.

“i care about everyone else being okay.” you replied bluntly.

“see that’s the problem, you don’t care about getting hurt! you know how i’ll feel? i’ll be devastated, if you die. i will literally go out of my mind! what about dustin hm? death doesn’t just happen to you y/n it happens to everyone around you. i don’t want to be standing at another funeral!” he explained, you eyes slightly brimmed with tears.

“whatever is going on with you, talk to me please.. i can’t loose you okay?” you looked up at him and nodded with tears eyes and hugged him tightly, he returned the hug pulling you into him holding you, he just needed to feel you. know you were okay.

**

you laid in bed with steve, he was waiting for you to explain what was happening. what was going on inside your head. but it was taking you a while to figure out how to put it into words. you snuggles into his chest and took a deep breath before you began.

“i just i don’t know what’s going on anymore.. the nightmares, flashbacks, i don’t know what i’m doing with my life steve.. i hate everything about myself and i don’t know i can’t sleep i can’t do anything. i worry constantly about everyone getting hurt.” you sighed as a few tears ran down your cheeks, steve was completely shocked, how could you hate yourself? he loved everything about you. he didn’t even know how to respond to that. he could try and help you with nightmares, you’ve always told him, sleeping with him makes you sleep better makes them go away. but hating yourself? he could she you how beautiful he thinks you are? reassure you?

“y/n.. baby, you know i’ll help you with the nightmares. if you want me to stay here for a while to help i can. i want to. you don’t have to worry, we’re safe again. nothings gonna hurt us okay? and for well the other thing.. i think you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve ever met. you’re stunning, everything about you is so perfect. i just want to hold you in my arms and kiss you. i’m so lucky to be your boyfriend you know that. i’m here for you okay? never hide anything from me. i’m not gonna judge you.” his words made more tears spill down your cheeks you nuzzled your face into his neck and held him tight, you wanted to be closer to him but it wasn’t possible. he held you tight as you cried and he kept whispering compliments into your ear as you fell asleep.

**

real ones will know where i got some inspiration for this from :)

#stranger things 4 #stranger things #stranger things x reader #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington #steve harrington fluff

[cupid-styles]

So I’m 28 and I’ve never had sex. Never kissed anyone, never done anything remotely sexual or even close to it. I’ve never even been friends with a guy. It’s not because I haven’t wanted to (I’m not a prude by any means, especially considering the filth I read on here lol) but it just hasn’t happened for me. In some ways I think I’d be far too uncomfortable to even get to that point with someone because I’m so wildly insecure with my body and I can’t imagine ever showing it to anyone but it doesn’t mean I also don’t want it in some ways you know? Part of me wants to just get it over with but the other part is like fuck off I could never be naked with anyone. And I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, like I know it’s supposed to be fun but it’s almost impossible for me to think about being in that situation with someone.

I think sometimes it’s easy for people who’ve had sex to not think much of it and not think about it like this big thing hanging over you but it really alters your brain chemistry to have lived this long and to have never been wanted by anyone. It really exacerbates my already insecure mind. And that’s the thing, it’s not just about the act itself, it’s about knowing no one has ever wanted you in that way. And it’s like I’m constantly being reminded of it. Sex and love and all that stuff is everywhere and I literally can’t escape it. Sometimes I think it just might never happen for me (not looking for sympathy with this just an honest statement) and I’ve kind of resigned myself to that in a way but it makes me so incredibly sad sometimes because I crave the intimacy that comes with a relationship. Even platonic relationships as well to be honest, I don’t have any super close ride or die friends and I just feel like I’m missing out on so much.

I never had the fun first-time teen relationships that most people had. I haven’t experienced being flirted with or even being on a first date. I don’t think people realise how much it can affect you missing out on that stuff. I hesitate to talk to people about it because I’ll either get “you just need to put yourself out there” or “it’ll happen eventually, it just takes time” and honestly none of that makes me feel better about it. I know part of it is on me because I’m not putting myself out there (I’ve tried the dating app thing and always end up disheartened) but it’s so difficult when I literally have no experience with anything and having major social anxiety doesn’t help. And everyone talks about body counts these days but I just feel like I’m gonna get to the point where people will be put off by the fact that I have no experience you know? Because even if it does happen for me it’s not going to be anytime soon so I’m going to be at least 30. And I know sex and relationships aren’t everything but I don’t have a fulfilling career (currently unemployed and depressed as fuck) and I don’t have the friendships that can fill the void either.

I’m also pretty sure I like girls as well as guys but I can’t know for sure because I’ve not been with anyone and I have no idea how to navigate that.

Sorry this has become incredibly lame and far too long. I know this isn’t a therapy session so I’m sorry to dump all this on you but I just really don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff and it helps just being able to rant and join the convo.

- 🦋

(hi, it’s been a while)

hello my love!! including my answer under the cut in case my reply gets long :)

thank you so much for sharing this. I think if anyone else is in the same boat or has similar feelings, they’ll probably benefit from knowing they’re not alone. I’m sending you so much love because it sounds like you’ve done a lot of self-reflection and maybe some internal searching on the point you’re at in your life. I promise I’m not spewing bullshit or trying to make you feel better by saying I genuinely feel that you’re a very strong person with a great sense of self-awareness. I don’t think you’re strong because you haven’t had a first kiss or had sex, but because you’ve cared enough to admit these things to yourself (and to others) instead of just ignoring it as a fact of your life.

you’re right, I can’t imagine it’s easy, and I’m not sure I have advice to offer (though I don’t feel that you’re looking for any), but please know that my heart is with you, especially because you said you’re feeling depressed. truly deep in my soul I hope that things get better for you (not in the way of finding a relationship or anything like that, unless that’s what you want).

bottom line: I love you, you’re safe here, and I appreciate you sharing with us🩷

#bestie asks #🦋 anon

[everlarkism]

how about a prompt where katniss does not begin to care for herself again after peeta returns to 12 at the end of mockingjay and after a few days he is desperate to help her so he takes her upstairs and gives her a bath? make as intimate or not as u plez

I am so happy a lot of you are sending them in. Other prompts will be posted when I have the time to write and upload them. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about anyone’s! I’ve decided to try first person with this. I don’t do that often. Excuse any typos or if this is all over the place, I started typing this up at like 5AM since I was so excited to write something wholesome. It’s kind of rushed too, so it’s not my best work. Enjoy!

I know he doesn’t like seeing me like this. He never liked seeing me upset, period. But I’m not upset, I’m depressed and he obviously knows it.

Returning to Twelve was a blessing and a curse. It’s a relief that I came back to the place I call home, but it’ll never be the same. The Victors Village was still intact, but everything else had to be built again. My childhood home is demolished. Primrose is dead. Mom moved to another district, so did Gale. Haymitch was here and so was Greasy Sae who would frequently check up on me before Peeta’s arrival. That woman would even drag her young granddaughter along… I’m aware Sae wanted to help, but I don’t like feeling as if I’m a burden to anyone.

I’m a fighter, I’ve been doing this for years. Why should I let anyone help me now? I can do this all by—

“Katniss.”

I’m quiet as I sit on the couch, running my fingertips against the cushion to ease my nervousness. I’ve been avoiding eye contact with Peeta from the moment he walked inside. It’s been around two weeks since he came back from the Capitol, and I’m surprised he’s not like me.

Distant. Suicidal. Neglecting basic needs. Hasn't stepped foot outside in days.

Maybe it’s the therapy, Haymitch told me about it a day or two after he arrived. But that doesn’t mean he’s magically cured, or whatever. Peeta’s bound to have his episodes, regardless of how much treatments he’s had. At least they’ll be manageable. I know I should be doing therapy but I’ve been avoiding Dr. Aurelius at all costs.

“Katniss…” Peeta calls out again.

A heavy sigh escapes my lips as I lift my head. He didn't need my reply to continue talking, all he wanted me to do was look at him.

“You can’t stay in the house forever.” He said, taking a step closer and gesturing to the couch,”You don’t move from that spot either. Come on, you have to do something.”

I furrowed my eyebrows and shook my head,”No, I don't. I’m fine with what I’m doing.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s healthy… We can start small, okay?”

“We?” I repeat.

“Yes, we’re doing this together.” He nods,”Because-”

I cut him off, deciding to finish the sentence,“That’s what you and I do. Protect each other.”

A smile can’t help but to form on my face. He remembered.

“And that’s what we’ll continue doing.” He replied, making his way over to the couch and sitting beside me. His hand reaches over and rests on top of mine. “I care about you, Katniss and I want to be here for you in any way that I can… If you let me.”

Silence lingers between us for a few moments, until I finally make up my mind. I can’t push him away, we both know that - he would continue to try and help me anyways. “Okay, I’ll allow it.”

He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “I’ll run you a bath, go eat something if you haven’t already.” Without another word, Peeta stood and walked upstairs to the bathroom.

There was already an urge to say something, to forget the whole idea and tell him I could run my own bath if I needed to… But we both know I wouldn’t. If he didn’t show up, I’d still be on this sofa, reeking of body odor and starving.

I sigh, pushing myself up from the couch and making my way into the kitchen. Buttercup was there, munching at the food in the metal bowl. Once the cat noticed my presence, he meowed.

“Yeah, I know. I have to eat too.” I roll my eyes. Cats can’t talk, obviously - but I swear Buttercup knows what goes on and scolds me.

I walk to the cabinets and decide on making a sandwich. It’s better than nothing. I slather peanut butter and jelly onto the two slices of bread then sit down to eat.

I took my time with eating, since it takes the tub a while to fill up. After I’m done, I head upstairs and as I’m making my way down the hall - the water is being shut off.

I lean in the doorway with my arms crossed over my chest, watching Peeta stand from the crouching position. He’s a bit awkward at times, but it isn't his fault. The prosthetic leg tends to make things more difficult. Over the years, he’s been better with it. When he turned around, he gasped and took a step backwards. I couldn’t help but to chuckle, I didn't mean to scare him.

“Sorry.” I mumble.

“It’s okay. I was going to come get you, but you’re here now.” He lets out a small laugh.

“Thank you, by the way.” I reply as I move past him. I looked over to the bathtub, and not only was it filled with water but there were bubbles too. “Seriously, bubbles?”

Peeta shrugs,”What? It might cheer you up a little.”

He was right. Peeta always knew what to do or say so I could feel better.

I remain silent and stare at the bathtub. I was drained as it is, even making a sandwich was hard enough. I bit the inside of my cheek before refocusing my gaze onto the blond boy. “Could you help me? Unless, that’s weird– I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, or anything.”

I blurted out the last sentence, since I was on edge. I didn’t want to make this weird for either of us.

“I promise, it’s not.” He shakes his head,”I don’t mind.”

He continued to reassure me as he helped me undress. Once the last piece of clothing comes off, I quickly get into the tub as Peeta looks away. I caught a glimpse of his face and it’s obvious that he’s blushing. To be fair, we were both nervous… I’ve only seen his body once, in the first Games by the river. That was it. Him, on the other hand, hasn’t seen my body at all.

I just wish he didn’t have to see my body like this - the scars, the skin grafts, the damage done after all of these years. I look more like a mutt than a human being. Hell, I look worse than him. However, that’s another thing we have in common now: Earning scars that will tell a story of how we got here.

The water was warm, it even smelled of lavender. He must’ve found the oils in the cabinet. I never bothered with messing with those. Luckily they’re being put to use now. Slowly, I leaned back and sunk down into the water until it was to my collarbone. My eyes flutter shut as I dwell in the moment. “This is nice.” I whisper.

When I sit up, that’s when Peeta rolls up his sleeves and kneels near the tub to reach for the shampoo bottle. He put a small amount into his hand and began to run his fingers through my long locks. My hair isn’t in the best condition, thankfully not matted as it used to be but it still has some bad knots. He’s gentle, taking his time with applying the shampoo and rinsing it out. I swear Peeta even hums a tune while doing so. A giggle escaped from me and he paused.

“What?” He furrowed his brows.

I shake my head with a grin,”Nothing.”

Next was the conditioner and as it sat in my hair, we moved onto bathing. He already has the cloth, so I hand him the bar of soap.

“I feel like a child… Maybe, I should’ve done this myself.” I admit with a laugh as he starts to clean my face and behind my ears.

“There's nothing wrong with asking for help.” He chuckled,”I don’t mind, Katniss.”

“But Peeta, I just feel like-”

He replies before I could even finish my sentence. “No, you’re not a burden. This isn’t a chore to me, either. I want to be here for you.” Using his free hand, he manages to pick up a small amount of bubbles and place it on my nose,”Even if it means giving you a bath.”

“Hey!” I exclaim, wiping them off with a smile.

“That’s what you get.” He teased me.

“Don’t make me splash you.”

“You wouldn’t.” He rolls his eyes playfully.

“Oh, but I would!” I pretend to get ready to splash Peeta and he leans back instantly. I can’t help but burst out in laughter. “You should’ve seen your face.”

He laughs along with me,”I seriously thought you were going to do it.”

After the little trick I pulled, he continued to bathe me with the washcloth. Every once and a while, I’d threaten to splash him again or pull him into the tub with me. Peeta got his so-called payback by splashing me instead… As if I'm already not covered in water.

When our antics come to an end, Peeta rinses my hair and I step out of the tub, soon wrapped in a towel he brought me.

“You reek of lavender.”

“Better than body odor.” I giggle.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Peeta chuckles. “Now, let’s go get you dressed, shall we? Maybe I could try braiding your hair?”

“You, braiding my hair? In your dreams.”

“Fine, but one day - you’ll have to teach me… Deal?”

“Deal.”

#katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #everlark #katniss and peeta #everlark fanfiction #everlark fic #thg drabble #oneshot #ficlet #post mockingjay

[whiskeyswriting]

Fat Funny Friend

It was nothing new to Alana to hear the comments. She grew up hearing them every day since elementary school. Eventually, she learned to pretend to ignore the teasing and outright bullying of her weight. 

As an adult, Alana hoped people would be different, but she knew that they would always talk and comment about others. Today was no different. Well, the only difference was that she was the students’ superior, yet they treated her as less because she was bigger.

The only ones that never made her feel inferior were her grandparents and her new friends, Grace and Baylie, along with the Dagger Squad. 

She couldn’t focus on her work as the words of the students ran through her mind.

“Is Cinco even fit to be in the Navy?”

“She probably sucked enough dick to be in her position… Not that anyone would sleep with her.”

“I’m surprised the carrier hasn’t sunk with her on deck.”

“Guys guys guys that’s enough. Actually those are words she never tells herself when eating.”

The guys’ laughter rang out over the Rec room, unaware that she heard everything they said.

To get rid of the laughter and comments ringing in her head, Alana heads to the gym during her lunch break and puts on her headphones. She pushes herself during her workout. She ignores everyone else in the gym and just focuses on herself. Her phone remained on Do Not Disturb so she wouldn’t have to answer texts and calls about where she was for lunch.

After her workout and a quick shower, Alana went back to her office to continue analyzing past mission parameters. She stayed there well until late in the evening. On her way home, she stops to get a salad for dinner. 

Upon finishing her dinner, Alana went for a run. She ended up at The Hard Deck, where she recognized some of the cars as belonging to Mickey, Jake, and Baylie. “Shit…” she starts turning to run back home.

“Ciiiiin! I seee you!” Baylie calls out from the bar’s patio. 

Alana waves at them but makes no attempt to join them. “I was just on a run… Have to head back.”

“Pout,” Baylie says as she pouts. “I love you… Okay?”

Alana chuckles when she recognizes that Baylie is happily tipsy. “I love you too Lucky.” With Baylie distracted by telling those around her that she was there, Alana starts her run back home.

By the time she reaches home, her muscles were sore and her phone was ringing with calls from Baylie, Mickey and Jake. She had a few voicemails. All from Baylie. Alana falls asleep to the sounds of her friends causing the best kind of chaos at The Hard Deck.  

As the days turn into weeks and time passes, so does Alana’s desire to spend time with her friends. She delves deeper into her exercise regime until that’s all she’s doing in her free time, both on and off the base.

It’s not until Robyn notices Alana having only liquids for lunch whenever she does eat something. Robyn immediately calls Baylie and Grace and tells them of what she’s seen the last few days. “I think something happened with Cin. I’ve tried to talk with her but she’s just giving half-hearted responses. Even Beau has noticed she’s been different.”

“Did either of you hear anything around the base?” Grace asks them. 

“No. I haven’t,” Robyn says. “I can ask Beau or Mav. Despite their different teaching skills, they respect each other and the students also respect them.” 

“What about Cin? Do the students respect her?” Grace adds.

“Shit… One of them must have said something,” Baylie responds. “I’ll push them to the limits today in training to see.”

“I’ll make sure Beau doesn’t hear you yelling at them,” Robyn teases.

“I’ll have drinks ready for after work,” Grace replies.

As they are planning a loving intervention, Alana sneaks past Baylie’s office. She heads to the locker room to change before heading out to the appointment she had. 

After passing out at home after starving herself and doing hours at the gym, Alana knew she was heading down the wrong path again. So she started therapy again to better learn to deal with the depression and the vulnerability of the comments of others.

Upon arriving at her appointment, Alana begins to hesitate going through with it. While she didn’t tell anyone she was doing it, she wanted and needed someone to tell her to do it.

Her phone beeps with incoming texts from Jake. She looks down at it and smiles softly. The waves of guilt also hit her for pushing Jake aside without any explanation.

Jake: Hey. Long time no catch up. Barely get to see you for our workouts anymore.

Jake: So uhm since you've been a bit MIA from all of us, thought I’d reach out to see if you wanted to join us for dinner tonight.

Jake: I may bring a date. She’s new in town.

With that last message, Alana got the boost of anger and confidence that she needed. Opening the door to the studio, she heads in and meets with the photographer. Luna explains how the boudoir shoot would go. “I just want you to be confident to be you. Let your inner goddess out and just relax and have fun.”

Alana nods and removes her coat before she goes to change into her first outfit. Nervously, she steps out and tries to cover herself.

“No! No covering up!” Luna reprimands her.

Little by little, Alana starts feeling more comfortable and relaxed as the photos are being taken. It helps that Luna is cheering her on and the playlist blasting through the stereo is hyping Alana up.

Once the photoshoot is done, Luna sits with Alana and shows her a preview of some of the pictures. “I’ll send you some unproofed ones so you can see how amazing you look. The only editing I’ll do is lighting.”

Deciding it was time to rejoin her circle of friends, Alana decides to head over to The Hard Deck. She noticed she was the last one to arrive. She spots her friends and makes her way over to them.

Her confidence shines as she struts through the crowd. Wolf whistles and catcalls from other aviators and Navy guys, as well as civilians, follow her until she reaches her friends.

“Mickey! I’m leaving you for Cin!” Baylie calls out running over to hug her friend. “Wifey! You look hot! You’re rocking your look!”

“If you weren't already spoken for, I’d stake my claim for you,” Javy says, pulling Alana into a hug.

“Get in line,” Mickey teases. “Grace and Baylie have first dibs. Then Bob.”

Thinking she was being a bit quieter, and unaware that the group was Jake’s friends, Jake’s date, Nikki, chuckles. “Like if anyone would call dibs on the cow.”

At that moment the music had stopped and those around them heard Nikki’s comment, including Alana. Jake saw Alana’s smile drop as she walked over to the bar to order a drink. “I… I’ll be outside. It’ll just be the one beer,” she tells Grace.

“Cin…” Grace starts.

“Don’t… I’ll.. I just need some time alone.”

Baylie was already telling Nikki off and getting her to leave. Jake is walking them to the car to keep Baylie from being arrested.

Once Nikki is in the car, Baylie punches Jake. “What the hell is your problem Jake?!”

“Why are you hitting me?” He asked but he already knew what her answer would be.

“Because you deserve it! You bring all these girls around knowing damn well they aren't who you want. These girls you bring around are mean and hurtful and for why?” She pauses, taking a calming breath. “I can’t believe I’m even saying this to you of all people… There is someone who is perfect for you right inside, who is always the butt of the joke for girls like Nikki, Isabella, Skylar, Cassie…”

“She’s the one that said to only be friends… She hasn’t been much of a friend lately, has she? She’s pushed everyone aside. Besides, we both agreed if we ever met anyone else we’d be happy for them.”

Baylie glares at Jake. “You’re an idiot, Seresin! She’s pushed everyone aside because she's hurting Jake, for fuck sake. We have all been shitty friends at some point. But maybe you should fight for her! She deserves to be the one fought for, for once. Don't you think? And if you don't think that? You're dumber than you look.” With that, Baylie storms back inside and rejoins the group.

Alana had been outside walking back to her car and she heard the conversation between Baylie and Jake. She tries to walk past him but he stops her.

“Cin…”

“Jake! Are you seriously going to leave me waiting?” Nikki calls out from the car. “Why are you talking to another girl..? You’re with me tonight.”

“Your date is waiting,” Alana says as she starts walking again.

“Alana please…”

“No Jake. No more please. No more hookups. No more games.”

Before he can reply, the honking of his truck’s horn starts going off. “Jake! Let’s go!” Jake sighs and walks to his truck.

Alana walks down to the beach, she walks along the shore, letting the salty mist hit her face. The mist helps cover her tears when she hears the voices of her friends behind her.

“Hey babe. It’s Spicy and Lucky.”

Alana just quietly nods at them, as they come stand at her side.

“Alana! Can we talk!?” Jake’s voice calls out. “Cin please!”

Alana walks up the beach for a bit to reach him. “Listen Jake… I think we should stop our workouts and our hookups. You’re clearly interested in other girls and I won’t stand in your way. We’ll go back to being friends and coworkers but nothing more.”

“Lana… You can’t mean that…”

“I do Jake. I know we agreed to keep our arrangement a secret… So don’t worry I won’t tell anyone. Sometimes a girl just wants to be treated as a priority and not a secret,” she stands on tip toes and kisses his cheek. “I’ll see you around the base Lt. Seresin.”

The next day the Daggers are all surprised to find out that Nikki would be working on base as an assistant to Venom and, occasionally, Cyclone. This meant she would now be in constant contact with Jake and Alana.

--

Discord 🏷 List: @dragon-kazansky @cycbaby @callsignscupcake @mtnofgrace @bayisdying @askmarinaandothers @breadsquash @callsignthirsty @altierirose

Forever 🏷 List: @callmemana @luckyladycreator2 @ahopelessromanticwritersworld

#mrsjaderogerswrites #the chaos squad #the chaos squad fics #hangman x cinco #Jake hangman Seresin #alana cinco metcalf #cinco x hangman #Jake x Alana #Alana x Jake

[salmonellr]

hi everyone :)

i know i haven’t been posting on here recently, so really i don’t expect anyone to read this at all. i don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff now, so all this is is sort of an update on my life and relationship.

TW for: mentions of abuse, sexual abuse, suicide, depressing stuff in general

really i didn’t post for awhile because my relationship with my boyfriend was going so well. i was deeply in love with him and he was deeply in love with me. my posts had always just been whatever thoughts i had from spiraling from jealousy, but he never let me spiral. he reassured me and wouldn’t let me feel bad, he blocked anyone i even mentioned and i really felt loved and valued with him. he even expressed jealousy and possessiveness towards me occasionally, and i really felt like he understood my love, understood me, and after seeing the worst parts of me he still loved me.

honestly, most of my life has been miserable. i was emotionally and physically abused throughout my childhood, made to believe that i was the cause of my sibling’s death and turned into the scapegoat and "problem child" so that none of my family would feel bad for hurting me. my adolescence was filled with repeated sexual abuse. i got groomed at 11 and from there have been assaulted repeatedly, groomed more, had my nudes leaked, and a lot more that i shouldn’t get into. that turned into a cycle of finding a guy friend, them being nice until they could get nudes, me sending them and regretting it, blocking them sooner or later, feeling undesirable and unloveable again and looking for any sort of validation and starting again.

he ended that cycle for me. i finally had a good relationship, finally felt loveable, and the cycle was finally broken.

yesterday however he broke up with me

i could feel it coming. he was taking just slightly longer to reply than usual and was responding less and less to my i love yous. i assumed it was just cause he wasn’t feeling good and dedicated myself to supporting him, but in the end that wasn’t it. he lost feelings.

i don’t know what to think or do. he said it was because we’re so far apart and his mental health is bad at the moment. if we were closer would he have stayed? did i need to dedicate myself to supporting him earlier? he never let me support him anyway. he wants to be friends. is it just out of pity? is he going to let me be friends with him as a crutch until he thinks i’ve moved on, and then he’ll end the friendship too? can i get him back this time? i want to believe i can. that once his mental health gets better and we’re closer to the time i’d be able to come over he’ll want me again. manifesting seemed to work last time so i’ll likely do that again.

one question keeps coming back to me though: does that mean he feels it’s better to be alone than to be with me?

he doesn’t have another girl, he doesn’t have other relationship prospects. is being with me so awful that it’s better to be alone?

if that’s how it is then i can’t help but feel that i don’t want to burden anyone else. maybe my life is less than worthless, i’m actively a burden. do i even want to live like this? i don’t know

[tobthoughts]

spiral

tuesday, november 21st, 06:19am

tw - s/h

i was supposed to go to a house viewing today but it got cancelled, or postponed rather. then i tried to make some art, a painting of agnes montague (my favourite magnus archives side character), but i ended up hating it.

i feel like i can’t do anything right lately.

i can’t create, i can’t eat, i can’t hold conversation, i can’t keep anyone around. i’ve been snapping at people i care about. being blunt, being distant with the people i want to keep close. it’s my own fault and i know that but i feel like i’m shutting down again. spiralling. i can’t call my mum, she’ll be upset, maybe even disappointed. she’ll tell me i can’t keep burying my head in the sand when life gets too hard. i never really talk to my sister about this kind of thing - not when i was actively harming myself. i talked about it when i was recovering. i guess i’m always recovering. every period of time that passes without cutting is a recovery period. i promised some friends that i would call them if i ever needed someone to talk to, or a distraction, or anything… but it’s always in the early hours of the morning when everyone has stopped replying to my messages. i don’t want to ring them in case they’re asleep and i wake them up. i don’t want to be a burden. and i know some of them will see this post and message me and tell me “you could’ve called!” but i just don’t feel like i can. i’d rather stick to what i know than worry someone unnecessarily. it hasn’t gotten bad yet.

i told jamie that. he told me in return that my “not that bad” is his worst. i felt an odd sense of achievement when he said it. self harm is weird like that. competitive. not intentionally either, just a subconscious desire to hurt yourself more than your peers. it doesn’t mean their actions are invalid, or not good enough, and i know that. but i’ve always been proud when my scars are “worse” than other people’s. it’s such a shameful thing to be proud of. when my scars started fading, turning from angry red gashes into gentle silvery lines across my arms and thighs, i felt so… sad? like i’d spent so many years addicted to mutilating myself just for what, a few little scars, barely visible unless you’re looking?

i know it’s worse than that. i know you can see it. i’ve permanently fucked up my nerves in some parts of my left arm. the hair grows in patches. i have a lot of keloid scars, especially on my upper arms, and if you feel along my forearms it’s all bumpy and textured. so why do i still feel like it’s not enough?

i think i’m getting addicted again. or depressed again. or both. i don’t really know who to contact. i’ve been taking my antidepressants but it hasn’t been helping with the urges. i think about hurting myself every time i’m alone.

i feel like a failure. i’ve been trying to recover for years. then it got better, then i hurt myself again, then it got better, then i hurt myself again, then i was fine for all of this year, fine since last december but… i don’t know. i can’t stay clean.

i’m pushing away the people that care about me and i know it. lying when they ask if i’ve been safe. i haven’t, i’m not.

fuck.

#blog #diaryposting #personal diary #online diary #tumblr diary #tw vent #tw self destructive behavior #tw sh related

[love-kurdt]

Straight Through the Heart: I

Word Count: 1,263

Warnings:  Mentions of death (canon), internalized homophobia

A/N: Title is based on the absolute banger by Dio. I’ll be doing a tag list if anyone is interested!

The phone rang, but he didn’t get off of the couch to answer it. He was too busy trying to read a book. He’d made the mistake of purchasing a mass market copy, so the pages were small and the font was even smaller. He was about ten pages in and his head was already spinning, but he’d be damned if he didn’t find out what the fuck… murder? Murdor? Whatever the hell it was. He let the phone go to the answering machine.

“Hey Steve, it’s Dustin, hope you’re doing well. Uh, listen man, we’re worried about you. You haven’t left your house in weeks and, um, I just want to know if you’re safe. Give me a call back when you get this.” 

He could admit that he wasn’t the best to be around ever since what happened in March. He was angry all the time. He began snapping at his friends when they would try to distract him from the depression that was slowly but surely infiltrating every cell in his body, until he would inevitably become a shell of the person he once was. That’s how he knew shit was hitting the fan; everyone had gone from being mad at him to concerned for his well being.

The kids had been extra kind recently. This was probably the first time in a long time that he hadn’t been teased by Dustin for merely existing. Lucas and Erica brought food over to Steve’s house weekly since his parents still hadn’t returned to Hawkins. Jonathan and Will had come over with some Purple Palm Tree Delight and the three guys had a deep conversation about mortality whilst sitting atop the kitchen island. Mike called once, probably forced by Nancy, but still. He appreciated the sentiment. El had even taken it upon herself to go into Steve’s mind and help him relive a few positive memories from his life and temporarily escape his mental prison. 

But there came a point when everything got to be too much. The tiptoeing around him, the food, the weed, the heart to hearts, the phone calls, the fucking telepathy, or whatever. Every second Steve was breathing was a reminder that Eddie wasn’t.

—

The final straw for him was when he and Robin had planned to have a Star Wars movie marathon. When he saw Anakin pulling himself across hot coals after getting burnt to a crisp, he suddenly couldn’t breathe. All he could see, despite the comforting blankets over his legs and the flashing screen in front of him, was Eddie’s bloody torso and glazed over eyes. He didn’t even realize he had been crying until Robin pointed it out.

“I can’t unsee it, Robs, I… fuck, it’s so fresh in my memory,” Steve whispered, unsure if Robin could even hear him. “Even though it’s been almost eight months since Eddie died, it feels like it happened hours ago.”

Robin nodded, “I know, I honestly still can’t believe it. He was a good friend. And you two seemed to surprisingly get along really well.” She glanced up at Steve’s teary eyes, then down at his hands, which were fidgeting with one of Eddie’s rings that he had worn on his left hand ever since. “Hey Steve?” she asked.

“Yeah?” he replied, turning his attention away from the movie and toward his best friend.

“Remember our talk in the bathroom last year?”

“Yeah…” Steve’s eyebrows furrowed, “why?”

“It’s okay if you like Tammy Thompson.”

“Uh, I don’t, but… okay,” Steve chuckled, running a hand through his hair and leaning back against the couch cushions. What was she even talking about?

“Steve.” He snapped out of his thoughts. Robin’s expression had turned into one he could only recognize as the one that she had when he’d said that Tammy was a girl. “I mean… it’s okay if you found your own Tammy Thompson. In Eddie. You guys had a connection that I’ve only seen a few times in my life.”

Steve’s eyes widened, and he swiftly backed away from Robin. “I don’t know what you’re getting at,” he said, his voice rough, “but I– I’m not a fucking f… I’m not gay! We just… talked!” As soon as Steve said it, he felt his entire body go cold, and watched Robin stiffen and recoil in shock. He could fix this. He had to, damnit. “Fuck, Robin, I didn’t mean that, I’m so sorry…”

“That was a real King Steve move, you asshole,” Robin told him, getting up from the couch and walking towards the front door. “Come to me when you’ve got your shit sorted out. I’m going home.”

—

Steve was living a lie. It was an Eddie-Munson-shaped lie that burnt a hole straight through his heart. A lie that manifested itself in Steve’s dreams, or rather memories of sneaking onto the top of the stolen RV, not sleeping on account of Vecna plus the manhunt going on in Hawkins, listening to Eddie practice on his Sweetheart for the upcoming ambush in the Upside Down, and stargazing before sharing their first kiss under the full moon. It was all real, but at the same time it was all gone, and that was what terrified Steve the most.

He turned to the next page of Fellowship of the Ring, having completely lost track of his place. This happened quite often; he would start to read, then a phrase or word would remind him of something in his life, then he would trail off into his own world but his eyes would keep reading. He’d snap back to reality and his eyes would refocus but within the time he had spaced out, he’d subconsciously turned two pages and would have to backtrack.

That was kind of a giant metaphor for his life. Everything had happened so quickly, and now he felt so lost. Their relationship had ended as quickly as it had begun. He put the book down, bringing a hand up to his face to pinch the space in between his eyes, relieving the impending migraine forming. Fucking Mordor. Steve placed the book facedown on the coffee table, groaning as he sat up and stretched. He stood and felt himself getting a little bit lightheaded, probably because he hadn’t eaten anything in more than twenty four hours amidst his quest through Middle Earth. 

He walked to the kitchen, grabbing a banana and a glass of water. Leaning against the counter, he dwelled in the uncomfortable silence of his house. Steve had himself completely convinced that he was destined to be alone. His parents didn’t love him, yet he found himself emulating traits of his bigoted father. Nancy dumped him and called their love “bullshit.” So many failed dates happened with so many girls while working at Family Video. And the one time he found someone who loved him for who he was, who didn’t call him stupid or refer to him as an idiot, respected him, had parental instincts with the kids, and whom he loved in return… Well, he had died only a few days after they first met. It wasn’t fair.

Steve felt himself spiraling into his thoughts again. He thought of Robin, and how he could possibly attempt to make things right with her. He thought of the kids, whom he was supposed to be taking care of– not the other way around. He thought of Eddie and fiddled with the ring on his finger. Out of nowhere, Steve was startled by the bellowing sound of heavy metal drums blasting from his bedroom.

Oh hell no.

#steddie #stranger things #strangerthings #stranger things fic #stranger things 4 #steveddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve harrington x eddie munson #eddie munson angst

[palettepainter]

So I don’t usually make posts about anon hate, I’m pretty good at laughing it off and the only one issue I can think about that I couldn’t laugh off was when I left the Zoophobia fandom and an anon (might have been one person could have been multiple, but I suspect it was just the one) was using depression as a form to guilt trip me. As someone who knows two people with depression, I did not and will never find this funny or acceptable. 

That being said this morning I woke up to an anonymous ask, I have since deleted the ask but I do want to address it.

I made this post a few days ago talking about the Hazbin pilot, and asking people if their interest in the show had changed since it came out - https://palettepainter.tumblr.com/post/706536540205154304/keep-it-civil-to-my-hazbin-followers-has-your#notes

I actually got some replies to this, both on Tumblr and Twitter, and everyone was very civil and when I sent my replies back to them to talk about the show, none of them got weird of hateful towards my opinions - then I woke up this morning to an anonymous ask saying this: “Hazbin fans: Haha, I’m in danger”

There was more to the ask but honestly my brain just kinda blocked the rest of it out, I registered it as hate I didn’t want to deal with so I just deleted it. Let me be clear: I do not hate Hazbin. I never said in the post that I hated Hazbin, go back and read it if you have to. The only thing I said in that post that I didn’t like was the writing in Helluva Boss and a few of the Hazbin redesigns. That’s it. I even stretch to say I hate the redesigns, I’m just not a big fan of most cuz they haven’t changed a lot so there’s nothing to go into a big whoop about. I’d say the one I dislike the most is Adam, that’s all. His design so far is the only one I really have a small issue with. The Hazbin fandom has been running on fan content for three years since the pilot came out, which I and others understand since the crew and Viv herself are limited in what they can and can’t say about the show, but it’s the same deal with Zoophobia. Zoophobia was running on fan content for YEARS and that was why my interest started to waver in the first place, we’ve had no real character information from the team. We’ve had redesigns yes, but that’s it, pictures you can look at for a second. Can you honestly - if you get off your high horse for just a second - say that all of the Hazbin fandom would have the same intense love for this show after three years of no animation? ALL the hazbin fans? 

I like having anonymous asks open, I want to give anyone who wants to ask me a question or send in a headcannon or whatever the opportunity too. I enjoy answering your questions, and yes while I know having anonymous asks open is a two way deal situation where you can’t have the kind asks without running the risk of getting some petty hate every now and then, here’s the main problem here. It is NOT the fact that I’ve received hate that’s the issue here, there’s always gonna be somebody that want’s to feel clever and send in a hate ask just to feel something, my issue is what the anon said. 

Saying stuff like that, thinking you’re being funny or trying to crack a joke, just makes me not want to draw for Hazbin.

I actually have many character bio’s scripted out in my Google Docs for NG redesigns and I even have a completed doodle of Iridescence’s new look in my folders - I shared an old WIP of her redesign to my Patreon a while ago - I was looking forward to sharing this work, and now I don’t want to share it. 

It was asks like these that made me glad I left the Zoophobia fandom in the first place, because the moment I said I was leaving I got more hate then I ever have from any fandom. I have gotten zero hate - ZERO - from the MHA fandom, a fandom that is famous for defending ships till their last breaths. That same fandom that sent death threats to the literal creator of the manga if he didn’t make their ships cannon (which we can all agree I don’t need to make a post about for people to understand why this is a massive step over the line). Zero hate. I’ve had some weird asks, but zero hate. Nothing at all.

If the anon is reading this - I’m pretty sure you are since I’ve got a suspicion you’re the same hater that keeps sending in asks like this - while it is very charming you’re spending precious seconds stewing over what I do and don’t draw, if you sent in that ask hoping it would guilt me into drawing for Hazbin, you’ve only made me not want to post stuff for the fandom.

So to my nice Hazbin followers who I do appreciate, blame this anon for no Hazbin content

#Hazbin #Hazbin Hotel #Anon if you want Hazbin content so bad make it yourself #You try picking up a pen and drawing something #Go ahead I'll wait #If it's so easy to make content just do it

[evergardenwall]

shinigami eyes is a really cool resource but it does have its flaws, like ppl who were flagged for valid reasons but now don't deserve to be flagged since they've completely changed their views remain red

or like i've heard of trans people who aren't transphobic towards anyone in the trans community, like they accept all trans ppl and experiences etc and they themselves are trans, but they get flagged as transphobic. and not bc they were flagged when they did use to hold bigoted beliefs (e.g. transmeds) but like, trans ppl who there's no proof they've been bigoted but get flagged just bc they talk about their experiences in a way someone else doesn't like but that isn't harmful, and so they get flagged

im not sure HOW ppl get flagged, like, who controls that, but yeah idk i've seen some trans ppl get flagged for literally no valid reason. thankfully those are just some small exceptions

yeah, i’ve seen that too... you can read my reply to the last anon ask i’ve received where i talk about it in little more more detail in the tags, if you want. it’s a bit depressing that this happens — even if these are small occurrences —, not going to lie :(

unfortunately, i haven’t been able to figure out how to unflag or report someone myself. i have the extension on my browser, but it doesn’t show up on the bar thing. and when i right click and then select shinigami eyes on the list of suggestions (under copy/paste, etc.), it just gives me access to the extension’s settings. doesn’t allow me to do anything else. augh. get me out of that jail pls

#this sucks! wow! #if anyone knows how to use it let me know lol #btw if i recall correctly shinigami eyes is a completely collaborative tool — it’s users who flag sites/profiles/etc themselves #but i don’t know if it’s also moderated #replies #anon #shinigami eyes

[thedreamgirljournal]

hello, my name is t. i have a lot to me and my story, if you want like to know about it, lmk. but im not here to talk about the old story, but how to change from it? i suffer from borderline personality disorder. you can do your research, but to summarize i have really high highs (manic episodes) and really low lows (depressive episodes). so i am extremely prone to spirals and etc. ive been in a toxic manifestation cycle where ive found a new method, failed at it and haven’t gotten results, then i would over-consume and attempt self concept then end up spiralling when i saw people with what i had and realized that my deadline is getting closer and closer (2 weeks) and then search for a new method again. it is so easy to just wallow in your sadness, especially when the media glorifies sadness and makes you jealous of others. ive been in this cycle for 3 years. ive tried to restart my journey by taking breaks and doing things that “i love”, but if you struggle with mental health or know anyone who does, you know it’s not easy to think a certain way or feel a certain way because of your mental illness. i want to restart my journey. not the ways i did before, not by taking a break then noticing that i haven’t manifested my desires and forcing myself to work on self concept or try a new method. i want to unlearn everything and learn what i need and actually do it correctly this time. but i don’t know how to make manifestation not feel like a chore and find a way to do that suits me. here’s the thing, i know basically any answer to any question you could ask me about manifestation and i know how to act on it. but people have different ways they can manifest and what’s subjective to them and i need help finding my way to manifest that isn’t toxic and causes me to spiral and look for a new method. preferably we could dm and you could help me, but replying to my anonymous message is just as efficient. but it gets confusing when you’ve fed yourself so much information from so many different sources, id prefer if you could also recommend a few loa blogs to look at too, so i don’t scroll through 10 million. it sounds contradictory when you’ve consumed so much, but it’s really only because everyone believes and thinks differently. i just want to actually manifest what i want this time and before my deadline. i want to get what i want and not be hindered by my mental health or hinder it even more as a result of failed attempts from every method known to man. how do i reconstruct my mindset and find a routine / way to manifest that fits me even with my mental illness (my parents don’t believe in therapy, so i can’t get treated for it)? especially something to help when i spiral and self sabotage (please let me know if you would like to dm and talk one on one)

hi honey! i’m so sorry you’re struggling with your mental health, and i’m even sadder about your parents not letting you treat it properly with therapy. you should be able to go to therapy; mental illness is just as valid as any other illness. i want you to know this is a safe place and your feelings are 100% valid.

to be honest, i’ve never experienced bpd, so i can only imagine what you’re going through. the best advice i can give you is to take it day by day, step by step, not over stress, always be mindful of your mental health; that is your first concern. don’t ask too much of yourself. take your time and take pride in the many successes i’m sure you’re gonna get. my favorite loa blog is @cinefairy ; you can get a lot of very good advice from there. try to find your “manifestation style” by doing what’s more comfortable for you. again, day by day, without over stressing.

i hope everything works out for you!!! keep me updated. i believe in you and i know you’ll get there. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[ndeyebaby]

hello, my name is t. i have a lot to me and my story, if you want like to know about it, lmk. but im not here to talk about the old story, but how to change from it? i suffer from borderline personality disorder. you can do your research, but to summarize i have really high highs (manic episodes) and really low lows (depressive episodes). so i am extremely prone to spirals and etc. ive been in a toxic manifestation cycle where ive found a new method, failed at it and haven’t gotten results, then i would over-consume and attempt self concept then end up spiralling when i saw people with what i had and realized that my deadline is getting closer and closer (2 weeks) and then search for a new method again. it is so easy to just wallow in your sadness, especially when the media glorifies sadness and makes you jealous of others. ive been in this cycle for 3 years. ive tried to restart my journey by taking breaks and doing things that “i love”, but if you struggle with mental health or know anyone who does, you know it’s not easy to think a certain way or feel a certain way because of your mental illness. i want to restart my journey. not the ways i did before, not by taking a break then noticing that i haven’t manifested my desires and forcing myself to work on self concept or try a new method. i want to unlearn everything and learn what i need and actually do it correctly this time. but i don’t know how to make manifestation not feel like a chore and find a way to do that suits me. here’s the thing, i know basically any answer to any question you could ask me about manifestation and i know how to act on it. but people have different ways they can manifest and what’s subjective to them and i need help finding my way to manifest that isn’t toxic and causes me to spiral and look for a new method. preferably we could dm and you could help me, but replying to my anonymous message is just as efficient. but it gets confusing when you’ve fed yourself so much information from so many different sources, id prefer if you could also recommend a few loa blogs to look at too, so i don’t scroll through 10 million. it sounds contradictory when you’ve consumed so much, but it’s really only because everyone believes and thinks differently. i just want to actually manifest what i want this time and before my deadline. i want to get what i want and not be hindered by my mental health or hinder it even more as a result of failed attempts from every method known to man. how do i reconstruct my mindset and find a routine / way to manifest that fits me even with my mental illness (my parents don’t believe in therapy, so i can’t get treated for it)? especially something to help when i spiral and self sabotage (please let me know if you would like to dm and talk one on one)

Hello, T!

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I’ve never been diagnosed with bpd, but I’ve had depression which really messed me up regarding my manifestations.

Thank you for trusting me enough to pour your heart out to me.

What I need you to know is that manifesting methods and techniques are almost irrelevant if you can see your desire in your mind’s eye or hear confirmation of it in your mind’s ear it decree it to be true and trust in it.

So all you really need to do is to define and objective and accept that it is DONE. You don’t need to complicate it anymore than that.

Feel free to message me btw :-) let’s talk more in detail

#ask