#i’ve been fuckkng trying

[professionaljester]

beating my brain into submission anytime it wants to draw bc i’ve told it for weeks now we’re done with that. we’re not an artist anymore stop trying to make art happen

#abc shut it #vent #it’s just not happening i’ve been trying for YEARS since my TEENS #and i just cannot make the connections i need bc no one wants to be my friend bc i can’t socialize #ppl show no interest in me or my art and if they do it’s out of pity to get me to stop whining #so i’m done #no one wants to help an autisic bitch out to get their career off the ground #all i get told is i need to go out and make the connections #as if i’m not doing that i go around conventions talking and trying to connect with other artists but it doesn’t work it just doesn’t work #i need fucking help to get my shit out there bc i literally cannot do it on my own #i’ve been fuckkng trying #but no one wants to help me so i just figure this all out myself #and i get told talk in the artist alley server as if it’s not an overwhelming mess to look at and i don’t know what conversations belong #where #i’ve never been apart of a crazy big discord server like this i’ve frankly barely been in any servers at all! #what the fuck am i suppose to be doing in this fucking mess to make friends #no one wants to tell me how discord works bc you just need to use it and figure it out #but i’m not going to use it if it’s overwhelming and i don’t know how it works #i barely know what half the shit included in discord is for or does #i’ve never been apart of a group order bc i don’t have friends and no one will want me to be in their orders anyway #I DONT KNOW HOW ANY OF THIS SHIT WORKS AND NO ONE WANTS TK HELP ME #THEY JUST SAY DO IT LIKE IM NOT AUTISIC AND NEED TK BE SHOWN

[raeathnos]

.

#I feel like fuckkng crying #my husband getting offered the new job but getting offered $10 less than what they told him #and then trying to figure out if it’s worth it enough still for us to stay another year #finding out that I’ve been flagged as a super high cancer risk and am being sent to risk mitigation #and that I might also need preventative surgery #and then the fucking… just not being known by someone who should know me #this situation is too similar to things that played out when I was a kid #and I have so much anxiety for speaking up #I don’t think I can handle putting up with them when they get home if they’re mad #and then that turning into is it really worth staying in this living situation for another year or longer #or is it better to be fucking poor and move sooner #everything feels like it’s too much and too raw and I just want to run into the woods and for it all to stop being so much all the time #everyone thinks I’m a failure I fucking get it already! #I’m just so tired #I wanna fucking scream!!!!

[sacredcyber]

Uh ranting below, disability stuff:

My ADA person has been replaced like twice?? I’ve been trying to get accommodations at my job for my condition for almost a year for wfh and they KEEP LOSING MY SHIT. MY FUCKKNG MEDICAL PAPERWORK. I’m gonna fucking fight someone

!!!!!!!!

#Rhea rambles #disability things #I’m so full of hate right now it’s actually ridiculous

[cubicmess]

So today my ranboo subscription is ending. They will try to renew it and it won’t work cos the card won’t come through.

I’ve been subbed for 14 mounts. Ever since that big subathon that he did.

I guess I’m just sad. Why are Russia being denied being in global economy ?? Do you think he cares ???? Do you think if people don’t like the war he will stop????? At this point either he will win or suffer an owervelmind defeat. That’s the only 2 ways the war can end. He has too much pride to just let go of the war. And me not being able to buy shit online wil nOT FUCKING STOP THEM !!!!

One of my friends is in uni overseas. He mom can’t send her money for the fucking uni. She didn’t know what to do she already has a job and that won’t pay for the fuckkng uni will it ???

I don’t see the point of this. Will the war change if I can’t buy my cat’s food ?? I don’t think so

And now I know that soon both twitch and YouTube will be probably blocked. And I can only hope that my government do it cos then it will probly be easier to circumvent it with vpn.

#Russia #Ukraine #everything just keep getting worse and worse #i am starting to loose hope it will get better #I fucking tried to buy tea yesterday #and it cost twice as much #!!!!! #twice

[apaesthetic]

Tbh about to just cut off every fucking person in my life who doesn’t go to therapy or is making no effort in their life to better themselves. I’ve been putting in the work for many years now. I cut off alcohol and weed, only take a benzo for a literal panic attack, have tried every fucking ssri/snri/ antipsychotic/mood stabilizer under the sun until I found one that worked, try to eat better and workout and do self care, am doing trauma work, etc etc all on my own just for all for these fucks to gaslight me when I set boundaries and message me like I’m their fuckkng therapist like seriously stop numbing yourself with poison and get some actual meds and therapy dudes. Holy fuck.

#vent #rant #this is about people in my real life not my tumblr pals #hot take but weed isn’t helping your mental illness #it’s just numbing you #psychiatric drugs actually stabilize the chemical imbalance #go to therapy #I’m literally begging you

[sunflowers-and-forgetmenots]

I remembered my rant proceed with caution. If you're easily offended then I dont recommend reading. This is not a post about any sort of supremacy or anything like that so dont even come at me about it. And if you have a problem with what you read from here on out then oh well, and don't expect an apology.

I don't care who unfollow me or who wants to pick a fight with me about this but PLEASE stop! It's not about "white people" most people that you think are white aren't!! My best friend is mostly Middle Eastern, Romanian (which isnt white contrary to popular belief) Native American, and Japanese and she got chased while she was walking her dog by a guy on a moped because she is pale and he thought she was white. He was literally yelling at her about how she "kills n***s" (literally what he said) and she would never hurt anyone! There's also a very sweet Colombian lady I know who has never hurt a fly, and some guy pulled a gun on her in the subway because he thought she was white! Literally the only thing that saved her was that she started speaking Spanish! This has gone too far!! It needs to stop before a bunch of people end up dead!

Everyone wants to protest and fight and scream and abolish racism but then these same people use it as an excuse to bash all white people and people they perceive as white! The world isn't only black and white guys!! There's so much more skin tones than that! Also not all black people got over here by being sold, and the ones that did it was human trafficking, so why aren't we fighting like this over ALL people being sold?!?!

I can't tell you how many people I meet in NYC that believe they are entitled because they're black, and these are people who literally JUST fucking moved here from another country of their OWN CHOICE!!!! And then they turn around and yell at me or my friend because we don't kiss their asses!

Also I used to get severally bullied for the time I was in public school because no one believed I was Native American. And everytime I try to say something about my culture or use a phrase or term from my culture I still get attacked for "cultural appropriation" and it takes everything in me not to lose my fucking mind! I'm not allowed to live and be and participate in my culture and learn about my heritage without getting corrected by some random person that isn't actually Native American.

Do you know the American and Canadian governments are still committing genocide against Native Americans?? How about to Latino people?? How about to Middle Easterners? I mean fuck how long have we been invading the Middles East for resources?? Or assuming all of them are terrorists??? No one is allowed to even be Asian because there's only black and white apparently! I've seen people just put me and other people I've known down as white/caucasian before even fuckkng asking and now we're being attacked because we're too fucking white. I can't help how I look!! And none of my ancestors had slaves! I know because I did all this research to find out about my family. And even if they did I'm not them and I can't rewrite the past!

And about the misuse of the word Caucasian:

The Caucasian race (also Caucasoid or Europid) is an outdated grouping of human beings historically regarded as a biological taxon which, depending on which of the historical race classifications is used, has usually included ancient and modern populations from all or parts of Europe, Western Asia, Central Asia, South Asia, North Africa, and the Horn of Africa.

First introduced in the 1780s by members of the Göttingen school of history, the term denoted one of three purported major races of humankind (Caucasoid, Mongoloid, Negroid). In biological anthropology, Caucasoid has been used as an umbrella term for phenotypically similar groups from these different regions, with a focus on skeletal anatomy, and especially cranial morphology, without regard to skin tone. Ancient and modern "Caucasoid" populations were thus not exclusively "white", but ranged in complexion from white-skinned to dark brown.

Okay that was my rant, I'm done. I'm not feeling better though because it's still going to be happening when I hit post and because unfortunately too many people are too selfish to care about anything but their own agenda. That being said I hope everyone stays safe. Xoxo

#rant tw #rant #dont @ me #rascism #this is dangerous

[exceptionally-stupid]

One of the single greatest things I've done that also reflect my play style in D&D had to have been the great wolf stunt.

It was a party of 3 people, and we were doing the commoner's curse of 300 wands. The premise of it, if you don't know, is each party member is a commoner and you are tasked with trying 300 seperate wands of magic missile, each with a d10000 random effect imbuned. The campaign ends when your party has used all wands and you've tied up loose ends caused by the random effects.

My party consisted of a 14 year-old thief girl, the local church lady, and me, the sandwich maker. Two things to note about my character: 1) I had maximize spell, which I chose because my dm said it would cause 2 random effects on a wand rather than 1, and 2) Becasue i put so much proficiency into sandwich-making, I could get away with making any potion I wanted as long as I called it a "gravy".

Finally, we were set out to take care of a pack of wolves so that we had something to use our wands on, and we met a cult member in a skirmish on the way (we killed the others and the church lady converted him so he would tell us where their base of operations was). In this battle, I also gained the random effect of not being able to be killed by male enemies. By the time we finally got to the wolf den, after a few skirmishes, we had used between the three of us, maybe 50 wands, if even that. I had concocted a brilliant idea on the way.

We stopped the wagon and I got out, took a few steps, and popped open my vial of Gravy of Attract Wild Predator TM. The DM said "countless pairs of yellow eyes flash before you". So I jump back into the wagon and just scream "drive fuCKKNG DRIVE" and we rode off with, like, 80 wolves chasing us. What were we going to do, asked my oarty and dm. We were ill-equipped and on the run from a giant pack of wolves. But I knew we had somewhere to go.

On the way to the cultist base, located in a cave system with two enterances on either end, we didn't kill a single wolf, but we kept attracting them. The guard sees me aiming to bust open the gate with a missile and tries to shoot me with an arrow, only for the DM to remember that I'm on 1 hp and therefor invincible to that guard. He looked at me in horror. We drove right through the head quarters and out the other end, and then I missiled the mouth of the cave to seal off the other end.

The dm looked at me in disgust, sighed, and started rolling dice for a few minutes. After a bit of waiting, he came up and said "you hear the sounds kf howling and screaming beyond the rubble, then a boom, and then a louder boom as the side of the mountain blows up. They had powder kegs in the mountain that you were supposed to use when you were going to sneak in, but now they went off in the panic and you blew up the cult. 2 wolves shamble out the newfound crater following three cultists carrying a limping one. They're saying 'protect the leader!'"

So naturally we killed them effortlessly and headed back to our village victoriously. The DM just said "thanks a lot, OP. Now we have to end it today becasue you just solved the entire plot device and now I have to come up with a new one. Session adjourned." I rolled a total of 4 times starting at the wolf den.

#Dnd #story

[professionaljester]

sorry to keep complaining but i would love not to feel blinded by rage and jealously anytime an artist is successful and gets spotlight

#abc shut it #especially when they’ve been trying for less time than i have #it’s frustrating to try and be inspired but instead just so fuckkng angry you can’t enjoy anything anymore #like how come everyone is so lucky? #or am i just a sham falling for lies people tell me to make me feel better abt my mediocre art and creations? #vent #it just feels like ppl only like my art when it’s a silly fandom joke i didn’t spend a lot of time on #it more frustrating when i get hyped up and then it just fucking doesn’t turn out #like stop psyching my out i’ve already prepared myself for disappointment don’t give me false hope

[lostonehero]

Again

A bright light and a loud screech forced Lazarus awake. He sat up quickly looking himself over, and yes it was he this time. He gave a heavy sigh letting memories wash over him. He looked around seeing he was in the rubble of what was once a building.

"War again." He sighs outloud.

He knew what this meant, not a peaceful life, nor a good one to find the time to find a solution to this. He got up slowly realizing he was missing a leg. Well atleast it wasn't a fresh cut, he sighed using a broken wooden door as a crutch.

Well here is to the new life again....

Ain't it fun to fo around again.

.......

Lazarus woke up again rubbing his neck. Bo matter who people tell you being hung is awful neck breaking or not. His neck was sore as he sat up.... he was a child? Oh he hasn't been a child in ages.

But if course this wouldn't be normal now would it. He looked at himself in a mirror hung up on the side of the wall haphazardly. So half snake, ok he can handle this. He also could feel he wasn't entirely himself he knew what that meant, and he wasn't happy.

How fantastic he was somebodies.... er oh self preservation, and wow this kid developed this older then normal. He sighed summoning a notebook. He begins to write....

"Life number er 5483 I think, anyways i am currently someone's Oh Thomas's self preservation. So another life where I can't make progress on finding out what and how to stop this is, and also another life where I can't find the other who has the same fate as myself. Anyways I think that's enough for now. This has been Lazarus."

.......

"First the wedding and now this Deceit are tou seriously trying to make Thomas bad ." Patton throws his hands up then crosses them looking at Deceit disapprovingly

Virgil glares at Deceit. "Oh come on snake this is sad even for you."

Deceit shuts his human eye and takes a deep breath. "You know what , fuck it I'm done trying. Thomas you're going to burn yourself out and the stress will eat you from the inside out. Patton you are manipulative and honestly that kicked dog attitude is disgusting. Virgil what the fuck did I do to make you hate me I don't know, but maybe you should look in a mirror and realize you aren't that fucking innocent and joking Patton won't ease your conscious. Logan for fucks sake stop bottling up your emotions this is why nobody listens to you. All you do is sit on a pedestal higher then everyone because no emotions and that is why everyone tunes you out. Roman you're the only one who I can say something positive about you atleast try to get Thomas to do things for himself. With that I'm done I'll be sticking to the subconscious till you kick the bucket Thomas then onto the next life." Deceit flips off everyone and sinks out.

The group sit there in shock trying to recover.

......

Lazarus sighed sitting in his room, it's been a few weeks since he blew his top. God he hasn't gone off like that in ages. Last time God it had to be a few hundred lives ago when he got fed up with the people around him. Well at least now he can start again on theories.

He summons a large whiteboard and begins to drag diagram after diagram trying to connect things to solve this dilemma. He became so engrossed he didn't realize someone entered his room.

"Lazarus? What are the odds?" Roman whistled. "Now I get why you blew up geez what was the life before this?"

Lazarus turned around startled but then smirks. "My my Roman what are the odds, but if you must know I was framed and hanged."

"Oof that is awful on the neck. Anyways now that I know it's you made any progress?"

"No I haven't Roman just like the other time, what about you?"

"Eh besides maybe something that caught my eye on some old tablet in a museum in this world nothing much."

Lazarus sighs making the whiteboard disappear and sits on his bed. "Well any way you could get Thomas to return to that museum?"

"I've been trying actually that was the start of the arguement. I mean the museum is better then going to a family gathering with the worst people in Thomas's family but going is the right thing. Gods I realize why you hate Patton now." Roman falls back and lays on Lazarus bed next to the sitting man.

"Well to the next life then since we obviously won't make any headway this one." Lazarus sighs now laying next to Roman.

"Say since that is most likely the truth, what do you think we'll be in the next one?"

"Maybe women who live on the streets."

"I think we'll be kings again."

"You just miss having a castle."

"Shut up."

"Anyways you should leave don't want to ruin what you got." Lazarus sighs sitting up.

Roman gets up sighing. "Fine I'll be back later on Laz."

.......

Deceit was summoned and that made his slightly off balance. Roman caught him before he could fall or say something.

Roman puts his finger to his lips. "Shush Thomas doesn't know we're walking about. He snuck out of the family gathering and went to the museum, so let's go find that tablet."

Deceit nods following behind Roman.

Not long they stumble upon a massive tablet in a large room devoid of anything else.

Lazarus cracks his knuckles. "Ok this looks promising, oh I haven't seen this language in ages." He summons a notebook and begins to write.

.........

Hours go by as the two begin to compile notes and theories. They don't notice the small crowd of people watching them in amazement or Thomas looking on in horror as the sheer fact others can see his sides is hitting him like a brick.

"Now Lazarus what are the chances that this isn't just a younger version of the tablet we saw before?" Roman sighs thumbing through his notes.

"Even if it was a younger version this version isn't in pieces and on top of that it has more information that we can use. Granted it seems really repetitive. Is it just me or it says reincarnation well over a hundred times." Lazarus huffs.

Roman groans covering his face. "Lazarus I figured it out, it's just a piece on..."

"Roman just stop please I don't want you to finish that phrase." Lazarus throws his notes up in frustrated exhaustion. "Well this was just another dead end."

Roman nods sinking till he is sitting down surrounded by the scattered papers of there collective notes. "Well we always have the next life."

"Don't remind me." Lazarus sighs snapping his fingers and the mess disappears in an instant. He looks around finally noticing the crowd and Thomas. "Well this is just a fuckkng cherry on top of the fuck you sundae."

Roman looks over and looks slightly shocked. "Well shit, uh code fade."

Lazarus nods sinking out, and Roman quickly follows suit.

........

Thomas was pacing his living room. "People saw you. They actually saw you guys. How??? And what were you doing?"

Roman sighs. "Finding another dead end, and I mean Thomas we can interact with the real world what makes you think others can't see us."

Thomas blinks. "Well I mean."

"Also the fact that the majority of us tend to only show up when needed so it wouldn't have come into play. So at this point it was a miscalculation on our part." Roman shrugs.

"You act as if you've done this before." Logan says slowly.

"Never said I haven't, eh it's a long story that you won't believe so I won't share. It gets more frustrating everytime I have to go over this story, so let's just leave it at I'm sorry won't happen again, and la-Deceit was right you needed things to yourself and now you feel better well for the most part." Roman sighs sinking out.

Thomas looks down relaying what he was told.

The others look at each other trying to comprehend what has happened.

#roceit #deceit is a jazzy boy #ts deceit #kid deceit #sympathetic deceit #deceit sanders #roman sanders #thomas sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides virgil #deciet sanders

[anastasiaskarsgard]

X marks the spot

Part 1 - Mark POV

Before summer

Warnings: NSFW SMUT SEX CURSING DRUGS ALL OF IT.

I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I stretched out, trying to process what had happened last night. I didn’t see that coming, and The only thing good about it, is I’m alone in my bed.

Fuck. Sarah told me she loved me, and then I fucked her. Why am I such an idiot? I don’t fucking love her, I hardly like her for fucks sake!

Then I remembered the argument with my dad, and groaned. I gotta find a new place to live as well. I forced myself out of bed, and stumbled over to my dresser. I needed a shower to get Sarah off of me, and I needed to brush my teeth and —- oh my god. Sarah loves me.

“Do I hear movement in here?” Sarah called out from my living room.

Fuck! Sarah is still here!

I bolt in my bathroom, and close the door, locking it and turn on the shower. I need to think.

Fuck my life.

I hear the door rattle as Sarah tries to open the door, “Baby! Why is this door locked? Don’t you want company?”

This bitch is psycho, and I fucked her. Amazing job Einstein.“I’m trying to shit, shower and shave.”

“Oh..... Ok, I’ll leave you to it. I cleaned up your house, and I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make you dinner.” She sang through the door.

“I don’t like talking through the bathroom door. Not trying to be a dick, and all that sounds great, just...”

“Oh, I’m sorry baby! I’ll be out here waiting lover.”

Baby? Lover? Oh hell no, fucking psycho. No shit she’s out there waiting. Fucking stalker. I fucking knew better than to fuck with her, but she’s so persistent.

I hopped in the shower and scrubbed myself down. I needed to get dressed, get my shit and get out, without her seeing me somehow.

I didn’t wanna face her so I decided I’d climb out the bathroom window,and go look at some places, and just deal with her later. my wallet and phone are by the bed, I can sneak out and grab them.

I carefully opened the bathroom door and peeked out. Room was empty! I quietly crept across the room and grabbed all the things I needed, and bolted back in the bathroom.

It was hard not to bust out laughing as I crawled out my own bathroom window, and I prayed my parents weren’t out back for some reason. My truck was parked up front, and I didn’t see Sarah’s car. If she left again, and I snuck out the window for nothing, than that’s even funnier. I felt ridiculous running away from her, but Sarah and I had a complicated relationship, and I did not want to face that now. I mean she wasnt that bad, I’m just not interested. I’ve told her as much, but she thinks I’m playing hard to get or some bullshit. Better to avoid her since there’s no reasoning with her.

Fuck I’m an idiot.

I always knew Sarah was a bad idea but everyone else thought I was crazy. My Dad even loves Sarah, and I’m not sure he loves me!!! He Thought she was a “nice girl” which is only cuz she comes from money.

The only people with more money than our family, was her parents and Sarah is their only child. Both her parents died in a plane crash when she was about eleven, so she was left in Nance’s care, (Ems late Mother). She’d taken her in as her own, closing up Sarah’s mansion, and moving her into her home.

After Nance was killed, Em couldn’t stand her house anymore, so Sarah moved them into her family’s old mansion up the road. They threw large parties with drugs, and booze, and just absolute chaos. I figured all the DeGenerate behavior helped everyone forget.

(FLASHBACK)

I avoided them all like the plague, until I heard they were having a going away party for Lily. I couldn’t think of a better reason to have a party, than celebrating that bitch leaving. I rolled up in therewith my boys, honestly expecting drama, but surprisingly was welcomed with open arms.... and legs. Too open.

They were all fucked up, rolling, and Sarah, Em, and Lily decided we should all fuck. I made it clear I still had no interest in anything to do with Lily, and stormed out. I didn’t know where my boys were that I’d ridden there with, but I lived close enough to walk.

I know I look like a pussy, running away from a foursome with three hot girls, but the way Lily turned out to be, was painful. She’d been my first everything, and although I could of been a better boyfriend, I NEVER cheated on her.

When that leak happened of everyone’s phones, i wasn’t even interested. I thought it was fucked up, until my boys sent me the pictures that we all knew were Lily. Then I sat there reading through all their messages, and realized that a lot of them were sent, when she was with me. I’m sitting there thinking I have my dream girl, and she’s sneaking off to the bathroom, sending pictures of her finger banging herself and shit. And not only that, she let him watch us fuck through the window when we were at a party. I’m eating her fucking pussy, and she’s texting the 37 year old married guy, that she babysat for, and had dinner with his wife and kid.

It was so fucked. And then, she wouldn’t fucking give me the common courtesy to tell me the truth. We all knew it was her! Yet she was gonna lie to my face. I’m ashamed how I handled it tho. I just wanted to expose her for the homewrecking whore that she was. I felt like an idiot, for turning down pussy left and right for two fucking years, just to find out I wasn’t shit to her.

“MARK!”

Fuck. I turned around, to find Sarah stumbling along in a bikini drinking from a bottle of Belvedere Vodka. “GO HOME SARAH!”

“NOT TILL I SUCK YOUR DICK MARK.”

Fuckkng classy. I swear I attract the craziest women. I couldn’t help but laugh at her. I spun around and jogged up to her. I pointed in the direction she came, “go home Sarah. You’re drunk.”

“You jealous?” She asked playfully.

“Actually yes,” I said as I grabbed the bottle out of her hand, and took a giant swig. I turned around, and headed back home, downing the vodka as I went. I figured a half bottle of vodka, would help me pass right out, and forget this whole night. I turned to walk down my long ass driveway when I heard something behind me.

“Mark! I’m not giving up till I at least get to see it. WHIP IT OUT!”

I turned around and grabbed Sarah by her arm, “do you want to wake up my parents? Shut the fuck up.” I whispered harshly.

“Show me it. Let me see.” She whispered.

“Why? Where’s your homies? Why are you following me?” I was at my wits end with this shit.

“I don’t feel so good,” she started to wobble and almost fell.

I reached out and caught her just in time before she fell to the ground. She was out cold. I couldn’t leave her on the ground, and I wasn’t carrying her all the way home. I was too drunk to drive.

Shit.

I carried her to the guest house I lived in behind our mansion, and deposited her on the couch. I got a drink and then passed out on my bed. I was woken up by her snuggling up to me, but I was too tired to care.

I told her nothing happened since we woke up still dressed, but she was determined to suck my dick, and a man can only resist a hot girl so long. And that’s how whatever it was we had, started.

She gave the most incredible fucking head I ever got too. It’s like she loved my dick. Swear to God. She’d fucking fall asleep nuzzled up to my dick, and wake up and suck it again. It was amazing, but I didn’t like her beyond a friend, that was fun to fuck around with. I thought we were on the same page...... until New Years.

Her parents died on their way to party in New York, on New Years, so it was understandably a rough time for Sarah. She called me hysterical, and I couldn’t understand her, so I went to her house. She was home alone, out of her mind, on god knows what. I asked her where her partner in crime was, and she told me that Em had ODed on some bad shit, and was going to be ok, but was in a facility. She didn’t want to be around any people except for me. I should have read between the lines there, but I didn’t, and we hung out playing video games all night, watching movies and it was actually a great night. She was really a cool girl, and we’d been homies since elementary, I just didn’t like like her.

The next morning, when we were both sober, she tried to fuck me with no condom, which is a big no from me. I always use a condom, and she knew that. She was extremely aggressive about it, and when I refused, she flipped out on me. We got in this huge argument, and both said horrible things, and I swore that was the end of Sarah and I.

She called and texted all the time, but I never responded. She even sent me flowers and balloons, as well as showed up places I was at. I would just leave. I promised myself, I’d stay away from that whole clique.

I’d kept my word too and stayed away from her till this morning. I got home, and she was waiting on me on our porch. It was pretty tense between my Dad and I, and I didn’t need more ammo for him. I didn’t want him to think something was going on between us, so I told her to go wait in my house, while I talked to my parents real quick.

Dad and I had a knock down, drag out screaming match, and I completely forgot about Sarah.

I needed to get my own place, out from under their thumb. I knew they’d be pissed, but they’d get over it. I jumped in my truck and headed to 711 for a Big Gulp. I knew the owner had a home for rent, that had a big yard, to hold all my equipment for my business. We chatted, and he was all for me moving in. He wanted to give me the tour in a few hours, so I decided to find something to do in the area.

I checked my phone, and there were like 40 messages from Sarah and another 29 from my mom. Well I wasn’t going to go home for sure now. Had that bitch actually told my mother?

There was another message from a new number, that was a woman that wanted to sell a house she’d inherited. She stated the yard needed to be fixed up, and the upstairs required attention.

I called her back, and she gave me the address which turned out to be really close. She said she’d be there all day, so I said I’d come right over and give her some estimates.

I almost threw up when I realized the house I was pulling up to. It was Nick Mathers house of horrors. Nick had killed his wife and child and then been murdered by someone himself. It had reportedly been a super gory, bloody scene that the news said was the worst thing the police ever saw.

I stopped in front, and tried to decide if I was going to help, or just go. I put my truck into drive, and nearly drove away, but then I saw her.

The most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, came bouncing down the porch steps, waving gleefully at me. She had a banging body, and gorgeous face, with really long hair. She was seriously the closest to love at first sight, I think is possible. Not love, but lust for sure.

I got out of my truck as she ran up to me and surprised me with a big hug. I awkwardly hugged her back, and hoped my face wasn’t as red as it felt. She hopped back happily and I just stared at her like an idiot.

“Hi! I’m Brooke! I called you about the yard. This was my sisters' house, and we wanna get rid of it so I was hoping you can jazz it up please?” She was more gorgeous close-up, and something about her was just so adorable. She looked like she was trying not to cry, even though she was smiling I realized.

“Are you ok?” I asked her with genuine concern.

She looked up at me with big tears in her eyes and shook her head and went in for another hug. I held her as she sobbed into my chest, petting her hair and telling her to get it all out.

She giggled the cutest giggle I’d ever heard and for the first time in years, I felt the butterflies in my stomach, and was determined to make her mine.

“I must seem crazy.” She said.

“No, not at all! I'm familiar with what happened here, and I’m sorry about what happened to your sister and her daughter. I’d love to help you get this house all ready to sell. I can do more than landscaping too. Any house stuff or paint or whatever, I’m pretty handy.” I reassured her. I didn’t even care if she paid me, I just wanted to get to know her. “My name is Mark and I’m at your service. You really shouldn’t be doing this alone. You’re not staying here are you?”

“No. I am starting school after the summer, so I got an apartment by the campus, and figured I’d sell the house before school begins. Hopefully.” She said looking up at me.

“Well considering the house was in the news a lot and is kinda famous, I suggest we paint it another color and change the landscaping completely, so it’s not that house.”

“Won’t that be expensive.”

“No it’s not too bad, I know a guy.” I winked.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” She asked suspiciously.

“Well it seems pretty fucked up you’re doing this alone, and I’m a gentleman.” I told her. I’d leave out the love at first sight stuff for now.

“That’s the truth? You’re not like a gorgeous, charming serial killer? No offense, but guys that look like you, are never nice.”

“I think you give me more credit than I deserve. You’re one of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever seen.”

She blushed and smiled brightly. “Funny. I was just thinking the same about you.”

Now I was blushing. I could feel it. I tried to play it off with a joke, “I’m not a very pretty girl. I’m a bit on the big side.”

“Omg Mark, are you blushing?” She squealed, reaching up and placing her hand tenderly on my cheek. I wasn’t used to such affectionate familiarity, but it didn’t make me uncomfortable like it normally would.

She kept her hand on my face as she stared into my eyes and I couldn’t look away. We stood there, quite awhile, till I broke the silence. “Ok. Let’s not be awkward. I’m not used to people telling me I’m pretty. Sorry. Now, where do i start?”

“Well, how much do you cost and what do we need to get and...”

“I’m not gonna charge you labor. I wouldn’t feel right about that. You just buy materials and I’ll help you.” I interrupted her.

Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open,”What? That’s crazy!”

“No, what’s crazy is what happened to your family here. The least I can do is help.” I insisted. It really was horrible.

“Wow, Mark. You’re my new favorite person.” She smiled up at me through her lashes.

It took all I had in me not to grab her and kiss her right there. I wasn’t going to fuck this up tho and scare her. I was going to help her, and get to know her, and wait for her to make a move. I liked her way too much already. I’d never felt this way about a girl right off the bat. Not even Lily. Definitely not Sarah.

Shit. Sarah.

I’ll deal with that later, that’s future me’s problem. Right now, all I cared about was right here in front of me.

#bill skarsgard #billy skarsgard #bill istvan günther skarsgård #bill skarsgård #mark assassination nation #bill skarsgard mark #fan fiction #fanfic #xmarksthespot2k19 #my writing

[drowningwavez]

Today’s been so fuckkng hard. Psychologist called my psychiatrist about hospital. I’m trying to figure out what private hospital to try and if I can bring myself to do it whilst trying to just not take all the meds I’ve been hoarding. I’m so done. I’m not getting anywhere. We won’t ever get anywhere

[ssj2america]

Introducing: just posting a full on breakdown

I dont know when I got this badly broken but I fucking hate how second nature it is of me to use the people who only want to better my life, take every fucking chance I get to do my same old bullshit and let down the people that I love. Nobody in my family ever fucking hears from me and I'm pretty sure none of them have a hint of who I am. I only ever reach out to my friends when my mental health is declining but then ghost them for fucking months at a time even when I think about them a dozen times a week. I'm a pretty and jealous partner that leeches confidence and happiness from the people I subject to my touch. I dont know how to fuckkng show a human being that I love and care about them and at 22 I'm afraid it's too late to learn. I'm fucking sick of drowning in my own toxic behaviors and my chronic refusal to fucking get better just confirms that I entirely deserve the solitude and misery this brings.

And then like idk how to fix the idea that depression is destined so I can find 1/3 of a will to live and drag my ass back through the recovery process to maybe become a half way decent man that still wont deserve the love he has been given. I am dreadfully afraid that it's to late for me to become the functional happy parent that I desperately wanted to grow to be as a kid. I am faced with the sobering realization that maybe people like me need to leave good healthy people alone so that they can prosper.

But maybe this is all just the disease desperately trying to keep me apathetic and isolated. The past has past and I have my entire life to make my loved ones feel how much I cherish them.

I feel like I have wasted my one true shot at finding real love, the kind of love that you wait for for years before you have any idea that it's out there. The kind of love that stays with you a life time, even after it's over. An irreplaceable immaculate love that cannot be replaced.

I miss the way I made her feel. I miss being a foundation for someone as kind and capable as her when she needed one. I miss the joy my words used to bring her, the sweetness that once flowed from me. I miss the man who made her feel confident and beautiful and cool. I miss hearing her laugh constantly and when both of us constantly craved the warm sanctuary of the others embrace.

A beautiful and trusting angel giving a chance to some stupid shitty demon trying to lure them into the dark. I always pictured being more of demon slaying. But the only demons in my head are just me, like it's just my shitty petty thoughts and I dont know how to kill them.

I'm so lost right now.

Empty and hollow.

I feel so fucking self destructive but that's what fucking got me hear in the first place so I've been distracting myself. It's been hard but I've gotten through four days of dummy thick intrusive thoughts so far. I think I can keep it up.

It's just hard trying to strike a balance between the determination to fix my shit and the knowledge that it might be better and would definitely easier for me to just like, fucking cease or whatever.

I'm gonna figure this all out though. I'm going to be a healthy and responsible adult, and one day I really think I might get to hold hope in my arms all night again. I'm gonna fix myself, and before long I know I can be twice the man i was a few years ago.

#rant #mental health #self betterment struggles #wip #sorry for the brain vomit #in some weird ass head space

[relationshipyard]

I can’t keep doing this anymore. I’m so fucking stupid and I can’t help some of the stupid shit that I feel and think and do and no one seems to understand anything about me even though I’ve literally always been this way. I wish I could say I need help instead of just insinuating it because damn either my friends are dense or they just don’t care, and tbh I don’t know which. Like I break my back every day to make sure what i say and do is empathetic and understanding and to never hurt anyone but no one EVER gives me the same courtesy. They care more about how they feel than me and if I try to do that they guilt me and it doesn’t help my guilt complex is the size of ducking Texas already and then once again it’s everyone else’s fuckkng feelings and self over my own and I just can’t keep doing this. Life keeps getting harder and harder and I keep struggling to cope and every time I feel like I get a leg up I’m ten feet deeper than I was before, and I just don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this until i stop caring and either drug myself up to homeless level or just fucking outright kms, and I never want to go there but that’s where I’m gonna end up. There’s literally no other option for me anymore. I can’t find a good job and I can’t hold one down for long even if I were to find a good one,,,, god I truly was supposed to kms a long time ago. I’m not good at anything, i just, I should fucking do it. Lord knows it’s been like 8 fucking years

#delete later #i need to go through and delete all these posts again

[winsmoke]

i think the reason pink looked weird on me is because my skin is naturally kind of red so it just brought all of that out and i looked like a tomato haha. so it depends on your skin i guess;; maybe don't dye the brows if you have doubts. unless you can commit to filling them in everyday or drawing them on or something if you don't like them. jesus oh my god just this evening when i came in for work my coworker that has barely even spoken to me asked me out for valentine's day and i said no 🙄 i'm getting better at rejecting people but it's just so exhausting when they only look at me through fantasy girlfriend goggles instead of just seeing me as a person. as much as i wish it didn't, physical attraction matters alot to me;; i guess i just need to talk to every guy as if they're all the same and see them for who they really are. lol thank you but i definitely feel pathetic sometimes

speaking of guys who look super intense but are actually baby

*this is what my brows bout to look like if i dye them

I have fair skin so hopefully i’ll look okay! i’ll be sure to do another face reveal if I don’t look like a complete freak haha. um i just learned how to paint my nails forget about makeup. OMG YOU REALLY OUT HERE W THEM HOES 😂 omg no one has every asked me out (i’ve been told i’m very intimidating) that’s so crazy. feel a lil sorry for homeboi but honestly i would have like to see his expression when you rejected him ahaha. I get that completely, I’ve been told I’m a “goal”??? being fetishized for your race is always fun too. i means what’s wrong w wanting someone w visual appeal, like you should be equal in cuteness w your partner. so looks wise, kunhang is your ideal man?? tbh he’s a bit thinner than im used to but yeah if you can meet my standards in terms of intelligence, social consciousness, humor, entertainment, and new one: NOT BE A FUCKKNG BROKE BOI then i’ll really take any guy. yes just go flirt up a storm you’ll get excellent sleep afterwards. whenever you feel pathetic just look at your coworkers and be like at least im not those dweebs. Xiaojun and I connect on that level, we both look scary but are actually a sweetie who are just trying to get buff but it’s not working.

#tinystupidwitch #asks #fairy.floss

[thehunterpersian]

look op i get WHY you’d wanna support it but

i would never touch anything that has the ga///me gru///mps name within a 500 mile radius and considering their past with lgbt stuff they;re some of the LAST people i’d trust with it

next don’t try to fuckin be like ‘get your heads out of your cynical ass’ because unfortunetely not EVERYONE is gonna like what you like. shocking i know??? you may not think it’s fetishizing but many ppl  feel like it is. and u just fuckkng know it’s gonna have a huge fujoshi fandom in the coming weeks lol

im sure the devs are good ppl and have their hearts in the right place and i’ve said before had it not been for the gg’s i would have been totally interested in the game

also ‘accept nothing you consume will be perfect’ that’s why criticism exists my dude....... i know it’s hard to believe but it’s true

and don’t try to blame it on us that ‘q*eer games fail* bc usually it’s because of terrible representation or bringing the wrong ppl in.... and this is the case of the latter

and honestly??? im a mlm and i think the game could have been so much better had they not brought in ppl who clearly don’t give a damn abt lgbt ppl if the stuff they say about trans ppl is to be said soooo

#don't read if ur a fan of dre///am da///ddy #thehunterrambles

[stevenuniversequartz]

On top of the car accident shit and bronchitis shit I'm sitting here shaking and terrified becaus my mom is trying to get me to agree that the money she's been giving me each week (because I'm FUCKKNG DISABLED and can't work) was a loan that I now need to PAY BACK TO HER and it's so fucking sneaky yet transparent that she's trying to steal my SSI money and that she's pissed that I've needed the help. Like. BITCH I didn't max out ur 20k total credit cards. I'm so tired. I'm scared. She's going to continue to try to abuse me and make me take care of her and I'm so sick of it and so scared. This type of abuse is so fucking awful and I'm near pani.c attack now :))) :))))))))

#sorry I'm shaking so #abuse tw #fuck my life