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moneymingyu · 4 years

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Like in The Movies

summary: in which hoshi watches way too many romance movies and has too many friends who like to watch him suffer.

word count: 2.7k words

pairing: nonidol!hoshi x reader

genre: fluff, comedy

a/n: not very proof read bc i’m super exhausted and my eyes are barely opened atm.

master list

Hoshi has always had this romanticized version of himself playing in the back of his mind.

The cool dude next to the jukebox with a leather jacket who flips a coin then plays the soundtrack to his life. The guy who you spill coffee all over in a Seattle coffee shop then exchange numbers as a form of an apology. The best friend you ask to fake date before realizing he’s been the one for you since day one. The enemy to lover, the boy next door, the childhood best friend you reunite with after years of separation. He partly blames it on all of the movies he watched growing up. A guilty pleasure of his has always been romance movies that he’d watch deep into the night when everything was still and calm. His favorites were the kinds that had him struggling to keep his hiccup at bay, the kinds that made him cry so hard that he’d wake up the next day with swollen eyes and a headache.

“Aren’t you tired of these movies?” Jihoon, his long time best friend and roommate, would ask.

“Never,” Hoshi would reply, unashamed.

He’s seen them all. The Notebook, More Than Blue, The Names of Love, Love Actually. Hoshi can quote them line by line with the same blocking. His friends think it’s impressive but Jihoon is tired of walking into the kitchen at 2AM just to see a Broadway musical in place.

So you’d think that somebody who is basically a book smart Romeo would have a better dating history but...Not Hoshi.

Look. It’s not Hoshi’s fault he’s so awkward. He didn’t ask for the lonely life! The lonely life chose him! So what if romance movies are the only way that he can feel butterflies in his stomach. Whose business is it other than his own?

“Hey Hosh! Remember that time freshman year your crush asked you to the spring fling and you responded by doing a tiger growl at them?”

“Oh my god, I almost forgot about that!” Jun covers his face, bursting into giggles at Jihoon’s trip down memory lane. “He got called a furry for the rest of the year!”

“Oh yeah? And who sat and ate lunch with said furry for the rest of the year?” Hoshi crosses his arms. “Till the day, you’re still eating lunch with the said furry!” A few head turn their way, giving the table an incredulous look. Hoshi sinks in his chair, silently wishing that the floor open and swallow him hole.

“Well maybe that’s because said furry is paying today,” Wonwoo smirks, swiping a fry from Hoshi’s plate.

“Aw, not you too!” Hoshi pouts. “Wonwoo, I put all my faith into you and this is what I get? Slander like a salamander?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Jun (who, in Hoshi’s opinion, has said way more questionable things) asks with raised eyebrows.

“Nevermind. It sounded better in my head.” Hoshi sighs, pressing his fingers to his temples.

“C’mon Hoshi,” Wonwoo leans his head on his shoulder. “You know I was kidding. I would sit with you even if you were a real furry.”

“Can we stop talking about furries?!”

“Yo. What do you got against furries? We don’t kink shame around here.”

“Jun, if you say one more thing, I’m going to do an eagle screech right here.”

“That’s not really helping with the furry situation,” Jun mumbles under his breath.

Hoshi decides right then and there that he needs to invest in new friends for the sake of his sanity.

“I’m sure somebody likes you, Soon!” Seungkwan offers. “What about the dance studio? Lots of potential there,” he shimmies his shoulders while Dokyeom nudged him from the other side of the couch.

These are his people, he thinks as they watch My Sassy Girl for the tenth time this week.

“He’s right! You’re always a ball of confidence there! Why not try to pick somebody up? Oh!” Dokyeom looks like a lightbulb has gone off inside his head. “What about the receptionist? They’re cute! I heard they’re single too and with Valentine’s Day coming up-“

“Dokyeom! Don’t talk about the V word!”

“Virginity?”

“The other V-word!”

“V-vagi-“

“VALENTINES DAY!” Seungkwan smacks his hand over his mouth like the saying had seared his tongue.

“Oh my god, Valentine’s Day is coming up!” Hoshi whines, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face in them. “I’m going to be alone again!”

“Hey! You always spend Valentine’s Day with us!” Dokyeom frowns.

“We’re going to be alone again!” he moans out.

Seungkwan scoffs. “Speak for yourself. I have a date.”

This causes Soonyoung’s head to snap up. “Huh? A date?” Seungkwan nods, crossing his arms and turning his nose up. “Ah, c’mon! Who is it! You know you wanna tell us!”

“I would tell you if I knew who it was,” Seungkwan sighs, falling back into the couch. “Vernon and Dino set me up on a blind date. Wait? Should I ask them to set you up on one too? You know, Dino’s really good at using Tinder. He made me a profile and then swiped with matches for me and now I’m going on a blind date! Wait, should me and Dokyeom make you one? Quick Dokyeom, what would be the anthem to Hoshi’s life?”

Hoshi gawks at how quick his friends are to move. Seungkwan already has the dating app open while Dokyeom searches up the Les Misérable soundtrack. “Can you guys not?” Hoshi frowns.

But it’s too late. His words are unheard as Dokyeom starts to belt out the words to “Do You Hear the People Sing?” all while Seungkwan is editing pictures of Hoshi for his profile picture.

Hoshi decides right then and there that he needs to invest in new friends for the sake of his sanity.

“Thanks for inviting me out, Joshua! I needed some new shoes.”

Joshua is one of the sanest people Hoshi knows. Hoshi thinks it’s because he’s from LA and the people from LA in all the movies he’s watched are super carefree and accepting.

“Don’t mention it,” Joshua smiles while shoving his feet into a pair of slides. “Jeonghan broke my slides yesterday while taking out the trash and tried to pin it on Kkuma. Seungcheol then lectured us for two hours about how we shouldn’t blame things on his daughter then made Jeonghan transfer me the money.”

“Isn’t Kkuma a dog?..” Hoshi smiles from the bench across from him.

“You know Cheol,” Joshua chuckles. “Actually, I also invited you out because I have to ask you a favor! You can object, of course, and I won’t be mad.” Hoshi nods, signaling the older to go on. “Well, actually...The three of us are going away for the weekend. And we usually ask Mingyu and Myungho to watch Kkuma when we’re gone but Myungho has this giant art exhibition and Mingyu’s working double shifts at his bakery so-“ he shrugs. “I think you know where I’m going with this. Could you dog sit Kkuma for us? I’m sure Jihoon will be fine with it. But if you have plans for the Valentine’s Day weekend-“

“No!” Hoshi sighs in relief. “Please give me Kkuma. I’m begging at this point!” Joshua laughs, nodding his head. “You really saved my ass, hyung. The guys are trying to set me up on a blind date but I checked out Seungkwan’s phone while he was in the bathroom and none of them were my type.”

“Consider it a deal,” Joshua smiles, reaching across and ruffling his hair. “Knew I could count on you, Soonie.” Hoshi smiles. He’s so glad to have a friend like Joshua. He really keeps his sanity in tact.

Hoshi decides right then and there that he needs to invest new friends for the sake of his sanity.

Kkuma has been barking nonstop all night, whining and crying and even peed in Hoshi’s brand new pair of shoes.

Hoshi doesn’t even know why Kkuma hates him so much but the dog’s antics are enough to have Jihoon packing up and telling him he’ll be back Monday afternoon before leaving to Jun and Wonwoo’s apartment. To make matters worse, Joshua told Hoshi that their trip was technology free so that they could “become spiritually woke.” So any hopes of calling for advice is hopeless.

Hoshi doesn’t understand why Kkuma hates him. He’s a very likeable guy, in his opinion. Bobpul (Mingyu’s dog) would never treat him like this.

“Kkuma, please!” he whines. “I’m standing up a date for this! Please spare me some mercy!” he cries out. The dog jumps up and barks repeatedly. He rubs his eyes over his face. “I don’t understand how something so tiny can make so much noise!”

He rubs his temples. “Okay. If I were Seungcheol, what would I do? Think like Seungcheol. What would Seungcheol do?” Hoshi pouts his lips, puffs out his chest and lowers his voice. “Yah! Kim Mingyu! Watch where you’re walking!” he imitates him from the thousands of times the group has hung out.

He holds the position for a couple of seconds before deflating. “I can’t even hear myself think!” he groans over the barking. “You haven’t even slept yet! Aren’t you tired?” Suddenly an idea pops into his mind.

“I know! Let’s go to the park! Maybe that’ll tire you out! Would you like that? Let’s go!” And they’re off within ten minutes.

It’s a nice day out, thankfully. Warm but not too hot. And though Kkuma is jumping with joy to be at the park, Hoshi thinks he’d rather be at home listening to the dog’s endless whining when he sees the grassy area is packed with couples having a picnic.

He can’t hate, honestly. Picnics are cliché and Hoshi is all for clichés. But it does remind him that today is Valentine’s day and he’s the only one here without somebody to hold hands with.

“Kkuma, you’ll be my Valentine. Right?” he asks as he unclips her leash. But sadly, the dog has other plans as she runs off to play with another dog.

He sighs, plopping down in the grass and picking at the blades. He can’t believe that Kkuma ditched him. After Hoshi bought a new frisbee just for them to play with! He’s deeply offended and will not let Seungcheol live it down when he comes back.

He gives up trying to braid the grass and leans back on his hands, watching the other couples and making up stories about them in their head. He guesses how they met, what their plans are for the day and almost plays it out like a movie in his head.

He’s contemplating becoming a director but then decides that’s too hard and decides maybe he should try writing fanfiction on Archive of Our Own. He’s already picking out his favorite ships from Monsta X when he suddenly hears a shriek from behind him.

“Oh no!” the person whines. “I can’t believe I stepped in dog-“

“Shit!” Hoshi pops up as he sees Kkuma standing at the sidewalk. He sees the disgruntled look on your face then looks down at Kkmua, who looks the happiest she’s been since Hoshi got her. “Hi!” he says rather worriedly. “I’m so sorry! This is my fault! I wasn’t watching Kkuma and to be honest, this dog kind of hates me but here!” He shoves a packet of tissues he had in his back pocket into your hands. “You can have these! Wait I think I have wet wipes in my bag. Just give me a second and,” he drops to his knees, fumbling with his backpack, “Kkuma is just a baby but I promise she’s not usually like this! She’s so well behaved but I think she has some kind of hidden agenda against me because her dad took me out to eat pork belly the other week. Oh! Here they are! Here, do you want me to wipe it off for you? I don’t mind! It’s my fault and plus, I’ve been picking up Kkuma’s dog poop all day. For somebody so small, she sure does poop a lot! And-“ Hoshi suddenly freezes, a heat rising up from the back of his neck onto his cheeks and into his ears.

Seriously?! he thinks. You seriously went on a rant about dog poop! Just when I thought I had some hope in you, Soonyoung, you prove me wrong again! You’re gonna die alone! You hear me? ALONE!

Hoshi slowly brings himself up from his kneeling position. “I mean...” he awkwardly laughs. And to his surprise, you laugh back. But not in a mocking way like people usually do. You seem genuinely amused by his rant.

“Hey, it’s fine. I’m over it,” you giggle. “I just have to be dramatic about it first.” Hoshi nods slowly, too scared to say anything else. “My names YN.”

“Soonyoung,” he bows slightly. “But my friends call me Hoshi.”

“Oh! Like tiger gaze?” you ask, making claws at him for emphasis.

“Oh! Uh! Exactly, actually!” he grins.

You nod. “I think I’ve heard of you actually,” you explain. “My friend works at Seventeen Dance Company and he’s always talking about his funny friend Hoshi.”

“Oh? Who’s your friend? I must know them!”

“It’s Minghao,” you reply. “I was actually on my way to his art exhibition.” Hoshi nods his head, understanding. “Were you not going to go?”

“Myungho doesn’t like when our friend group goes to his art exhibitions. We got fired after Mingyu had one too many drinks and started to strip talking about some ‘life imitates art’ while standing next to a bust.” His face flushes an even deeper red. “I’m sorry! I don’t know when to shut up sometimes. I’m not good at this.”

You shrug, “I’m having fun.”

“Really?” Hoshi gasps.

You nod. “Yeah. Now c’mon, give me those wet wipes. You’re gonna come with me to Hao’s event. He told me I can bring a plus one and the venue is pet friendly!”

“And that’d how I met YN!” Hoshi grins at the round table of his friends.

“I can’t believe romance movie enthusiast met the person of his dreams over dog poop,” Jeonghan scoffs. “I’m taking full credit for this relationship, by the way. I call best man at the wedding.”

“What? Why do you get credit?!” Seungkwan rebuttals.

“Because the weekend get away was my idea,” he smirks.

“Yeah well Kkuma is my dog so I should be the best man!” Seungcheol argues.

“Hold up. If it weren’t for me and Seungkwan making Hoshi a tinder, who knows what would’ve happened this weekend while he was avoiding us,” Dokyeom points outs out, crossing his arms.

“But Vernon and I were the ones who taught Seungkwan how to even use tinder!” Dino retorts.

Jun scoffs, “You guys wouldn’t even know what tinder was if it weren’t for me and Wonwoo.”

“But I’m his roommate so I get automatic best man rights,” Jihoon says.

“Yeah but YN is my friend and she was heading to my exhibition so by default, I’m going to be the best man because I didn’t even kick Hoshi out when he showed up.”

“Yeah, still offended,” Mingyu rolls his eyes. “How many times do I have to say sorry until you accept my apology?!”

“Until I’m not known as the artist who had a quote unquote ‘model’ take his clothes off in the middle of my show so that I could prove that life can imitate art!”

Hoshi shakes his head and laughs as the argument wages on with you tucked under his chin.

“Are they always like that?” you whisper, looking up at him through your lashes.

“Yeah but...I don’t think I’d trade them for the world,” Hoshi replies, smiling.

It’s right then and there that Hoshi decides that he has all the friends that he needs and for the sake of his sanity, he will have to keep them. They did, after all, lead them to you.

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percontaion-points · 3 years

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Foxhole Court chapter 4

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions.

Chapter 4

"I thought you had [your boyfriend] Erik," Neil said.

"I do, but Kevin's on the List," Nicky said. When Neil frowned, Nicky explained. "It's a list of celebrities we're allowed to have affairs with. Kevin is my number three."

Normally, I wouldn't even bat my eyes over such a casual mention of something like this. But in a story that's already pumped full of abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, and probably a lot more nonsense to come...

The idea of an “allowed cheating list” just rubs me the wrong way.

“Then the ERC threatened to revoke our Class I status and fire Coach if we didn't start winning more

often. Coach bribed Andrew into saving our collective asses with some really nice booze."

"Bribed?" Neil echoed.

"Andrew's good," Nicky said again, "but it doesn't really matter to him if we win or lose. You want him to care, you gotta give him incentive."

"He can't play like that and not care."

"Now you sound like Kevin. You'll find out the hard way, same as Kevin did. Kevin gave Andrew a lot of grief this spring,"

I know that this is probably difficult for these people to understand. But normal people don't make playing a sport their sole personality trait. That obsessing this much over a singular thing with no hobbies or interests outside of it isn't healthy.

"Kevin wants to know what's taking you so long. Did you get lost?"

"Nicky's scheming to rape Neil," Aaron said.

HAHAHA BECAUSE RAPE JOKES ARE JUST SO FUCKING HILARIOUS. /ALL THE GODDAMNED SARCASM

Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky's jersey. Where he'd pulled it from, Neil didn't know, but he refused to think Andrew wore one onto the court under his uniform. There had to be rules and regulations against that. The last thing Neil wanted was for Andrew to stab someone in the middle of a game. The Foxes would be banned from the league in an instant.

So this guy 1) is a drug addict 2) is an alcoholic 3) has to literally be bribed to even play 4) is clearly mentally unstable and ready to literally stab somebody at any given time

Tell me again why he's somehow better for the team than the risk of him going loco and costing the entire university team EVERYTHING?

"Andrew is a little bit crazy. Your lines are not his lines, so you can get all huff and puff when he tramps across yours but you'll never make him understand what he did wrong. Moreover, you'll never make him care. So just stay out of his way."

JFC, now Nicky is saying to just let this sociopath do whatever the fuck he pleases?

This overgrown child needs to be institutionalized; not allowed to play team sports for a university. This man is a danger to society.

"You be something. Kevin says you'll be a champion. Four years and you'll go pro. Five years and you'll be Court. He promised Coach. He promised the school board. He argued until they signed off on you."

"He—what?"

I don't know why Neil is surprised by this. These people pressured him so much until he agreed to sign to attend the school to play. Why the fuck is them making deals about Neil behind Neil's back somehow any different?

He hadn't even realized she'd been injured so badly after running into his father in Seattle.

Wasn't daddy dearest in prison? Why the fuck was he running around in Seattle? I'm so fucking confused.

This was why Wymack's contract, Kevin's lofty ambitions, and Andrew's words meant nothing in the end. It didn't matter what they offered or promised him. Neil wasn't like them. He was nothing and no one, and he always would be. Court wasn't for people like him.

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME?!

What I'm going to tell you is an open secret. That is, we know it," he waved a finger in a circle, likely meaning the Foxes, "but no one outside our team does. It has to stay that way no matter what, do you understand? People could get hurt if this gets out. People could die."

I'm not going to deny that there are people in the world who would murder because of sportsball. But all I'm saying is that their mental state was probably not amazing to begin with, and they probably shouldn't have been in society in the first place.

"They built this complex around the same time we started construction on the Foxhole Court. Thought our team would be something and people would want to live in the area to be close to the stadium for games. Then we couldn't perform, so the apartments didn't fill. The lower floors are pretty full, and the middle floors get rented out during football season, but top two floors are pretty bare.”

Yeah, that's bullshit. People would still move into those apartments, sports team or no.

He hit full speed before he reached the street, going so fast he was nearly falling over, but he couldn't outrun his thoughts.

Chapter 4 summary: The next day, Neil tries to settle into his new life here. He goes for a jog before going to the stadium early to get changed before the others get in. They have summer practice with just those who are there (the wonder twins, Kevin, Nicky, and Neil).

After practice is over, Nicky randomly starts talking about how Andrew fucking hates the sport, which is baffling to Kevin. However, Andrew has a hard-on for Kevin. And Nicky warns Neil to stop openly staring at Kevin, or else Andrew might get jealous and attack Neil. Because that's fucking hilarious, you know.

Andrew shows up, and randomly threatens Nicky with a knife over how he was apparently flirting with Neil. Despite Neil stating that he only just wanted to play sports, not to hook up or have a relationship with anybody. Nicky relents, and after Andrew leaves, tells Neil that he isn't his type anyway. He also warns Neil to just let Andrew do whatever he wants. Because that's how you should deal with people like that... right?

They then go back to the field, where they set up a mock-game. And good grief. I thought that watching sports on TV was boring. Ain't got nothing on this tedious wall of bullshit. After a while, Kevin sends Nicky and Aaron inside, and it's just him, Andrew, and Neil. They continue to play for a bit longer, but then Andrew then starts to beat the shit out of Neil with his racquet. Which... okay.

Neil eventually goes home, where coach yells at him over having “blown out his arms”. And I get that this is college sports, and it's on another level than HS stuff. But at the same time... this is literally day two of summer practice. There is literally no reason to threaten to beat a literal child up.

We have a two-week time skip, and then Neil goes back to the stadium later at night to practice. Andrew is there, mostly sober because it's late and he apparently can't sleep with those drugs in his system? Sure, whatever. Anyway, he says that Kevin promised Neil over to some pro teams after his term at the university is over. Neil doesn't think that this is true. After Andrew leaves, and Neil tells Kevin that he came to practice, Kevin is rude about Neil's ability to play, and says that practice won't help. This goes into what Neil said: that Andrew is full of shit.

Neil then sits down in the locker room and thinks about his mother's death. I don't fucking care about any of this.

Neil sleeps in the stadium, and goes back to coach's apartment just in time to hear him getting into an argument with Kevin. The exy overseeing board (whatever they're fucking called; I don't give a shit), is like “We're forcing Kevin back to the Ravens.” and when Kevin refused, now they're going to make the foxes play against the ravens.

Coach then flat-out tells Neil that Riko smashed Kevin's hand because he was jealous of Kevin's playing. He says that he felt like the abuse had been going on for some time, but the hand breaking was the final straw, and Kevin decided to get out before something worse happened to him. He then tells Neil that the Moriyama family is part of the yakuza, or the Japanese mafia. This continues on for a long while, establishing just how shitty that this family actually is, and how the Moriyama family controls the entire sport of exy.

But despite how terrible that the foxes are, and Kevin's injury, he refuses to show any weakness to those assholes who screwed him over so badly. However, this just convinces Neil that he needs to leave, and he needs to leave ASAP.

#All For The Game #Foxhole Court #chapter 04 #Neil Josten #Nicky Hemmick #shitty people are shitty #Aaron and Andrew Minyard #WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK #What Is Happening #plot hole time!#David Wymack #HEADDESKING #do you even know how the world works?#Kevin Day #Riko Moriyama

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angry-slytherin · 4 years

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Heaven Help Me(Ch 2)

Jo is reading scans from an email on her cell phone when she hears a voice behind her.

“Hey, Jo, wait up!” Jo whips around on her way to the coffee cart outside the hospital. She stops just short of the doorway. Amelia is walking briskly toward her.

“Okay so I know probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I’m dying to tell someone. Meredith is going on a date with Hayes. Don’t tell her I said this, she’ll kill me.”

Jo gives Amelia a look of confusion. “Uh, first of all I don’t know who ‘Hayes’ is and why are you telling me this?” Jo and Amelia had of course met through Link, and Jo likes her well enough, but she feels it’s weird that Amelia is sharing personal information about her sister’s dating life with her.

“Doctor Hayes! Pediatric co-chief of surgery! And I told you before, I needed someone to tell. You were on the way to the coffee cart and I don’t think you’ll blab to Meredith.”

Jo nods, “Right. You getting coffee?” Amelia frowns.

“No, I have surgery.” She says, and Jo just watches her walk off towards the elevator. Jo is just glad Amelia is self-aware of her crazy. That much is true.

Jo sees Rayn coming up the hall and quickly turns back toward the doors.

“Before seven is mine, Doctor Rayn. I told you this.”

“Doctor Wilson, I think you’ll want to come see this.” Rayn is tight-lipped.

“Fine; tell everyone I’ll be there in ten. I need sustenance or I’ll be crankier than normal. You don’t want that.”

Rayn agrees, still somber. “See you in ten. And I know we’re professionals, but I think it’s important you know that know my first name is Carleen.”

Jo studies the younger doctor carefully, realizing she reminds her of herself during her early residency years.

“Thank you, Rayn. I’ll be there in ten.”

Rayn goes to turn away, but Jo finds herself compelled to speak again.

“My first name is Jo.”

Rayn grins wide at Jo, before rushing back to the lab. Jo finally reaches the doors, stepping outside into one of Seattle’s rare clear mornings, and takes a deep breath. The fresh air helps to clear her mind.

“Good morning, Doctor Wilson.”

Jo jumps. Behind her is Alex Karev, scowling.

“Jesus, you scared me. Good morning to you too. What’s got you in a mood?”

“Got into a fight with my wife.” He practically tears his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans, and opens it.

“Oh, well. Don’t let it get to you too much. She loves you. And you don’t have to harp on it if it’s nothing that important.” Jo then remembers to take her wallet out of her own purse, fishing out a couple dollars.

“It was about— You know what, it doesn’t matter, you’re right. I’m just going to forget about it.”

“Right then,” Jo awkwardly moves on, “Did you read the article on ex-lap efficiency from Doctor Yat-Sen at UCLA? It was really interesting, the way he argued that you can minimize OR time by immediately doing a biopsy on the healthy tissue also.”

“I actually did. I dunno if it’s practical for me. It’s harder to decide on things like that with kids. They’re so compliacated. Like my wife.”

Jo openly laughs at that.

“Don’t hate on your wife. I thought you were forgetting about it?”

Alex groans, scowling again, “Right.”

“You’re right about the kids part though. Peds was super fun to me, but in the end I ending up in general, specialty-less.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Indecisiveness in the end. I never thought too far enough into it in the first place. Plus now, I have my research.”

Alex stands behind her on the coffee line, and Jo orders a lemon scone.

“What do you want, Karev?”

“I can pay for my own coffee.”

Jo turns to the clerk, “One black coffee please.” She smiles and hands the clerk the money.

“How could you possibly know how I like my coffee?” Alex says, accepting the cup.

“Please, you’re clearly not a sugar and milk person. You’re such a grouch.”

Alex keeps his scowl, but thanks Jo nonetheless.

***

“Good morning, all.” Jo greets the team as she enters the research lab. ‘The team’ being surgical resident Cross, oncology intern Rayn, and three biomedical engineers— John, Armani and Deborah.

“Doctor Wilson, we have great news. The mice are fine.” Deb is smiling, and the other engineers follow in suit.

“I don’t understand. That means our cells are flawed.” Cross furrows his eyebrows Jo sighs.

“Yes. It means we have lots more work to do. Actually, that’s the bio engineers’ job. Us doctors have to sit back now. Doctor Rayn, you’re of course welcome to help, as you’ve got the most extensive knowledge of cancer. Doctor Cross, thank you for all your help, but your services are no longer needed here.”

“It was wonderful to meet you Doctor Wilson. Hopefully we can call you back soon, once we’ve better understood this in our lab.” John sticks his hand out, and Jo shakes it.

“Thank you all. I look forward to it.” Jo nods, and she and Cross exit the lab.

“Doctor Cross, you should scrub in on as many surgeries as you can. I appreciate all of it, but your time spent here has set you back as a surgeon. Take some extra nights on-call for a while. Thank me later.”

Cross looks both solemn and grateful, and he simply walks away. Jo feels surprisingly upset at this; she knew her idea wasn’t the end all be all, but she had hoped it would’ve fleshed out more. All she had done was make mice ill, not help anyone.

She had gone and given up a great surgery fellowship, for one of her ideas to fail within only a little more than a week. Her favorite research already up in flames.

Then her pager goes off, and she is being briefed by a senior resident on a hernia patient who came into the ER last night. The woman whose scans she recieved this morning.

“Audrey Davis, 36. Came into the ER last night complaining of abdominal pain. After CT, it was concluded she has an epigastric hernia.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Jo nods to the resident.

“Doctor Wilson,” a medical student begins, “Am I correct to assume you’ll be performing a hernioplasty?”

“I will. Does anyone know why?”

“Yes. Mesh has proven to be exceedingly effective in long-term hernia repair.” A third-year resident answers.

“Doctor Wilson, will you be using an animal-based mesh or a composite synthetic one?” Another medical student.

“A bio human-based one. Why?”

“Because there’s a lesser chance of rejection.” A second-year.

“Alright, anyone who answered a question can join me in the OR today. Baker, scrub in. The rest of you can watch in the gallery. Find me later if you have further questions. Now excuse me.”

Jo makes her way into the patient’s room and the woman is surrounded by multiple people, ranging from toddlers to elderly. Jo counts thirteen.

“Good morning Ms. Davis, and family. I’m Doctor Wilson, and I’ll be your surgeon. I’ll be performing a laparoscopic repair for your hernia, and then hopefully in a day or two, you can go home. Do you have any questions?”

The elderly man speaks up, “Honey, are you the nurse? Because you need to speak up. I have hearing aids for god’s sake.”

“No, sir. I’m the doctor. Doctor Wilson, the surgeon who’ll be operating on Audrey.” Jo tries her best to muster a smile.

The patient rolls her eyes, “I’m so sorry Doctor. He’s especially irrational when he’s stressed. My mom was the first one in our family to have a surgery, and she died a year ago.”

Well that explained the whole gang showing up.

“No problem, Ms. Davis. I will see you in surgery.” The patient nods and Jo moves on to her post-ops. One med student trails her, with a concerned look on his face.

“How could you possibly not yell at that old man, it was crazy sexist what he said.” Jo faces the not-yet doctor, sighing.

“It’s the world we live in. As a female doctor, you learn to get used to it. You could probably ask your female peers” He frowns at Jo, shaking his head.

“Somebody should change that.” Jo is nearly crushed by his hope.

“Somebody should.”

She bumps into Izzie Stevens as she walks past the med student.

“Sorry, Wilson. I should’ve been looking where I was going. It’s been a long morning.”

Jo remembers Alex’s grumpiness this morning and guesses he probably slept on the couch.

“Don’t worry about it, I understand.”

“Are you married? Have you ever been married? It’s exhausting.” Izzie says it tiredly, not antagonistically.

“No, I mean I- yes. I have been married. But not anymore.”

Jo does not wish to share her own experience with marriage. She feels bad for Stevens and Karev, but their petty arguments hardly compare to her memories. She went to therapy for a long time after it ended.

“My husband — I think you know him — Alex, is just exhausting. He always thinks he’s making me happy, but half the time it’s just him pushing his wants onto me and calling them mine. Sorry, you probably don’t care.”

“It’s okay, I could use a break from my own thoughts.” Jo gives her a small smile, but the other doctor is right, she doesn’t care.

“Sorry, sorry again. Goodbye Doctor Wilson.” Izzie rushes off.

Jo finds several residents and med students waiting for her at Willy O’ Connor’s room.

***

After performing two appendectomies, Jo takes respite on a hallway gurney. She rubs her temples, leans her head back against the wall, and closes her eyes.

“Feeling okay? Fellowship life getting to you?” Link’s voice rings in her ears, her head pounding. She feels him sit next to her.

“I feel more tired than on a 24 hour shift as a resident. I research, and then I do surgery, and then I do more research, and then I do more surgery. It’s like everything I’ve ever wanted but it is so draining. I am so tired.” Jo opens her eyes and looks at her friend, fatigued.

“Ah I remember when I was a fellow, I actually slept through a M&M. The resident next to me who’d been there all night woke me up. It’s so much better than residency though. You’re basically an attending and still learning.” Link looks at Jo.

“Yeah,” Jo lets out a breath of air.

“So how is wedding planning going?”

Link smiles, “Well we set a date. July 18th. At the Old Mill Factory.”

“It’s gorgeous there! Oh I’m so happy for you both!” Jo squeals and suddenly she’s energized.

“Speaking of my wedding, how would you feel about being my best man?”

Jo smiles slowly, “Really? I mean I would of course be the best woman but minor details. Yes, of course Link, yes.”

Link grins at her. “Not that I’m doubtful, but I’m going to need you up there. Because me and Amelia will both be nervous wrecks.”

Jo bites her lip, “I bet. It’s gonna be great.”

***

Jo makes her way to the attending’s lounge on the third floor, but her desire for hot chocolate and a comfortable seat is prohibited by a screaming couple in the room already.

Jo decides she’s had a long enough day and braves the sparring lovers. It’s Alex and Izzie, of course. Jo shrinks, just wanting hot chocolate. That’s all she wants.

“-well that’s rich! You haven’t thought about what I want in a long time!”

“Oh so now you don’t want kids? We’ve always wanted kids, what changed?”

“Of course I want- that’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying I can’t give up more time for maternity leave. I have a lot going on right now with my patients and I need you to be willing to take time!”

“And I’ve told you I’m willing. But I’m not being a parent alone. That’s no— Iz.” Alex looks over at Jo and she widens her eyes, scooping up her mug.

She awkwardly smiles, “I’ll just be going now.”

God, she thinks, what a mess.

Alex follows Jo out of the lounge.

“Sorry about that.” Jo furrows her eyebrows, frowning.

“I thought the argument this morning wasn’t important.”

“It wasn’t.” Alex grunts. Jo doesn’t want to aggravate him more, but kids seems like a big topic. Kids are always a big topic.

“Kids are a big decision. I was a kid no one wanted, not even my own mother could stand to keep me for more than two days. She was under different circumstances, but no kid wants parents who can barely agree before they’re even a clump of cells.”

Alex fumes, “Who the hell says you get to comment on my marriage? What gives you the right? You’re not married, you’re not a parent. You have no idea.”

Jo rolls her eyes, “You’re right, Alex. But I’ve been married before, and I- you should think about what you’re getting into.” Alex waves her off.

“Screw you, Jo.”

Jo takes a deep breath, moving on to her surgery.

#grey’s anatomy #grey’s anatomy fanfic #grey’s fanfiction #jo wilson #jo karev #alex karev #izzie stevens #atticus lincoln #amelia shepherd #jolex fanfic

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eunahfmdarchive · 4 years

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seattle alone - partial lyrics + partial composition + collaborative full production credit w/ @fmdxlux. date: around may 2020. word count: 1209, excluding lyrics. mentions lots of @fmdxlux because they produced it together!! a tiny bit of it is lifted from my half of our thread (now in the garbage bin) to be done in time for the deadline. this is long and kinda jumps around but it has a wicked reference at the end so i think that saves it.

eunah’s written to her past self plenty of times. in her diary, late at night when she’s half asleep, and in her songs, also usually late at night but slightly more lucid. the mood has been different every time. it’s probably a little silly, she thinks, to act like she’s communicating with somebody else rather than doing so internally, but it helps. now, months on from blue rose, a year and a half on from let me in, eunah reaches out to her younger self yet again.

take me back to seattle when i wasn’t afraid

back then, eunah wasn’t afraid of anything. she took to the streets at night after her rehearsals, leisurely walking home through the city with her friends. she’s developed more of an enthusiasm for the quiet of the countryside since then. she stepped on the stage regardless of how she looked too. in the years that have passed, she’s developed a fear of playing ugly that she’d never had before. her bravery back then was nothing more than a combination of naivety and dumb luck. nothing bad had ever happened to her, and her family did their best to coddle her.

it’s no wonder everything in her new life in seoul came as such a shock to the system. her support system was nowhere to be found, and she was far, far away from the city she called home. eunah was cruel and stupid for ever blaming that poor girl for everything. she was cruel and stupid for blaming herself. eunah suffered through all these years of self inflicted punishment for a crime that no one had committed in the first place. her heart beats a little faster, a little angrier, when she thinks of it that way, and eunah tucks that feeling away for later. this isn’t the time.

we were dancing through the night we were walking through the night i sing in the streets when there isn’t anyone you are the one that shines beside me hold my hand and turn back to look at the street again

she thinks that this song is going to become something special. let me in was wishful, a song about something eunah never thought could happen. all right was angry and frustrated, a letter to everyone who insisted on coddling her with concerns. then, blue rose extended a welcome to her past self, talking to herself like a reflection. this song is a homecoming of sorts. it is an ode to the place she grew up in and the girl that she was there, a return to those streets, and a return to that body. it isn’t a dream or a wish like it was a year previously - eunah is reaching out this time and uncovering herself for real. this time, it’s a proper reconciliation.

i’m in a city alone

eunah takes her own hand, feeling more whole than she has in years.

the melody that she works on with dimensions’ producers takes a while. it’s hard to balance the emotions of the song. eunah doesn’t want it to end up being too upbeat, but at the same time, she’d hate for it to turn out as a tearjerker. it’s a serious occasion for sure, but that doesn’t mean it has to be sad. eunah’s anything but sad about it. eunah even cracks out her guitar rather than working with her trusty old piano in an attempt to give the song a different feel. she’s worried that maybe the overall sound of the album will end up being too messy, but it’s a risk she’s willing to take. after all, if the higher ups at the company think that any song is too much of a sore thumb, she’s sure that they’ll take it off the track list.

even after sharing the song, now dubbed seattle alone, with her team, eunah still feels a strange instinct to take the song home and keep it to herself a little while longer. she’s not ready to let it out of her hands yet. there’s someone else who has to see it first; lux.

eunah slips in to see lux, tiptoeing into their makeshift home studio one night that they’re both home, with the halfway finished product on a usb drive. she’s a little shy to show it to lux at first. it feels narcissistic to keep writing songs about herself, about her feelings, but it comes naturally to her, and is the best way she currently knows of to process her emotions. so, she keeps on writing. it’s easy to dispel her nerves once she’s curled up next to lux, tapping her hand along to the song as they listen to it through. eunah has always felt extremely privileged to get to hear lux’s work in its infancy, long before she was even being allowed to write for 7rophy. part of her almost feels obligated to share her work with lux too, though she knows the other would never force her to if she didn’t want to. but, eunah does want to. lux is the vastly more experienced one out of the two of them, and one of eunah’s main inspirations. when she feels stuck, like she’s beginning to feel with seattle alone, there’s no one better for her to turn to. she’s incredibly lucky, she thinks, to have the continuous opportunity to bounce ideas off of someone whose work she loves so much.

“i think it needs your touch, milk. mine too, but … i’d like to work on it together.”

they work well as a team. even during everyday non-work related affairs, it feels like their minds work in tandem. when it comes to creative endeavours, eunah’s biggest flaw is her tendency to describe things in the abstract rather than in technical terms. it’s a bad habit that she’d picked up from years of working with directors and actors in the theatre, who always seem to give crew members aesthetics and vibes to go off of instead of technical terms to work with. but lux knows her well by now, better than anyone, probably. where a lot of people wouldn’t know what eunah meant (sometimes including eunah herself), lux always seems to understand. their synergy, paired together with eunah’s vision and lux’s skills, is the perfect recipe. when eunah says the song has to feel misty, when she says she wants to feel the streetlamps overhead, lux knows exactly what to do.

lux has contributed more to eunah’s progress than she thinks the other can ever wrap her head around. maybe that’s the one thing she’ll never understand, because eunah’s sure that however much she estimates she helped, the true number is much, much higher. it dawns on eunah that she wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to help her produce this track. the finalization process is what seals the envelope containing eunah’s letters to her younger self. she’s sure she’ll write more, when old memories raise their ugly heads or when she needs to remind herself of how far she’s come, but seattle alone feels like a very final thing regardless of that fact. anybody else helping her finish this off would be borderline invasive.

the end product, eunah thinks, needs to have lux’s name firmly on it, for all to see. eunah knows that not everybody checks the production credits. she’s harmonizing with her after all, isn’t she?

seattle alone is a song for her younger self, an invitation and an apology all wrapped into one. but it’s also a testament to her and lux’s long lasting friendship, their chemistry, and the fact that she changed eunah for the better, she changed her for good.

#fmdverification #* / 𝕚 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕤𝕖𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕕 ⇨ self para !

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shortstuff-ss · 4 years

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Learning To Travel Alone

George places a large cardboard box on top of his and Charlotte’s bare queen-size bed. Inside, he notices, snug in the corner, a beat-up Adidas shoebox. Never seeing this box before, George curiously nudges at the lid. It easily comes off and displays some lighters, pictures, concert tickets, postcards and other, well George hates to think it, but, junk. It was noticeably Charlotte’s property, due to the photo on top being of her as a pre-teen, braces on her teeth and hair slicked back with a thick elastic headband.

George sifts through the items, his index finger landing on a colorful postcard. His middle finger, he notices, also rests on a colorful postcard. He rifles a bit more and sees that there is in fact, a series of colorful postcards. About ten or twelve.

He looks up and listens for Charlotte. It sounds like she is still unpacking in the kitchen.

He picks a postcard out of the box. The front is decorated with tall towers that semi-resemble the Sky Needle in Seattle to him, but they are filled with vines or some kind of greenery, like gardens spilling out of a ludicrous State Fair attraction. George’s eyebrows furrow as he reads the bright pink script text “Greetings from Gardens by the Bay.”

He flips it over and his eyes meet a paragraph written in sloppy penmanship. Obviously male. George takes a deep breath and thinks about reading it.

He looks back into the box and takes some more postcards. They all have the same penmanship. Han Noi, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam again.

George knows Charlotte had a fling with a guy she met while she was studying abroad in Japan her senior year of college. He’s not an idiot, he decides, these postcards are from this character from Charlotte’s past. George sneaks a peak at the signature. Tomas. No, sorry, Tomás.

“Hey, babe, wanna help me with the table?” Charlotte stands in the doorframe, her thumb pointing in the direction of the moving van parked outside. She looks at George’s hands and folds her arms. “Whaddya got there?” She takes a step closer.

“You tell me.” He hands her the Singapore postcard.

She looks at it and smiles. “What?” She shrugs.

George sighs. “I don’t know. Why do you still have these?”

She shrugs again. “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you throw them away?”

She shrugs again. “I don’t know. I don’t want to.”

“You don’t want to? Why not?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way.”

“What? Just tell me - why don’t you want to throw these away?”

“I like them!”

“You - like them?”

“I don’t think about him, please don’t get jealous, it’s not that. I just like the postcards. I think they’re cool! I mean - look at them!”

George shuffles through the deck of exotic places he’s never been. He silently agrees that they are cool.

Charlotte quietly says, “I think they’re cool...and I like that they’re a part of me. They’re part of my history.”

“Yeah, exactly, your history.”

Charlotte rolls her eyes. “The events happened to me, whether I keep the postcards or not-”

“Exactly! So why not just throw them away?”

“Why not just keep them?”

“Well, what about me? I don’t want you to have them.”

“Why not? That hurts me. No feeling is connected to the man behind those postcards. I just like being nostalgic. I like reading them-”

He glares at her.

“Sometimes! I haven’t read them in a long time, though, I swear!”

“Why do you insist on keeping them then?”

“I told you! I just like them. I don’t know. I don’t want to burn them, I don’t want to throw them away. I just want to keep them!”

“You like reading these?” George points at the scribbles in front of him. “What is this even? ‘Ten New Year Resolutions to make every year.’” He rolls his eyes. “Oh, brother! What was he doing, telling you how to live? What is he? Some kind of guru?”

Charlotte throws her arms up. “It was New Years! I thought it was a nice sentiment.”

“‘Always be grateful for the sun that stirs you internally and outworldly.’ What is this bullshit? This isn’t nice. This is douchey.”

“Douchey?” Charlotte crosses her arms.

“Yeah, he talks like he knows, but you can tell, he doesn’t know anything.’”

“You can say it was immature. Not douchey.”

“Either way.” He sighs. “I don’t know why you’d want to keep them.”

“Just let me keep them.” Charlotte pouts and saunters up to him. She reaches out, snatches the postcards out of his hands and sets them back into the shoe box. She puts her hands on his arms and pulls him in.

“Babe, I’ve been with you for three years now. And, those postcards are from… six, seven years ago. I’m not thinking about him. I’m not hung up on the past. I’m looking at the future, always. The. Future. With. You.” She kisses him with each last word. “We’re moving in together today.” She smiles.

George looks down at his feet. “And it doesn’t bother you that I’ve never been to,” he hastily looks at the pile of cards. “...Kuala Lumpar?”

She giggles. “Not one bit.”

His shoulders slump. “Okay.” He sighs. “So, you just want the trophy.”

“The trophy?”

“Yeah, the trophy of Your Cool Past.” He puts the phrase in finger quotes. “The postcards, they’re… momentos.”

“Yeah, you can think about it like that, I guess. If it helps.”

“It makes me feel a little better.”

“Then, fine. These are my trophies of my past - and this - is my trophy case.” She shuts the shoe box and picks it up. “I’ll put it in my desk drawer.” She turns to leave.

“No. You shouldn’t.”

She looks over her shoulder. “Why not?”

“Well, like you said. They’re your trophies, and trophies should be on display.”

Charlotte dons a forced smile and a 1920s accent. “Oh, not these trophies, kind sir, these are kept in an exclusive, opaque trophy case, as you see here.” She gestures around the Adidas box like a Price Is Right model.

George takes a step closer to her. “I’m not kidding, Char. Like you said, the postcards are cool. I agree.”

Charlotte’s eyebrows furrow and she gives him a questioning look.

“Let’s hang them up.”

“Uh, no. Look, I’m sorry. I know you want me to throw them away...and I… don’t want to. I don’t know. Maybe we should see somebody about this.”

George rushes up to her and clutches her face in his hands. “No, no, babe. I don’t want you to throw them away, I mean it.” He whispers, “I like them. I think they’re cool.”

He grabs the box from her hands. He pops off the lid and scoops up the postcards. He hurries into the front living room with Charlotte on his heels.

“Look, hun,” he announces. “We’ve got all this empty space in our new apartment - a blank slate! We can put these wherever we want!”

He holds up Ho Chi Minh City above the fireplace. “Whaddya think?” He swaps it with Bangkok. “Oo, I like this one because of the green. It really pops with the light coming in from the window.”

He looks around the room and spots a roll of packing tape. “Ah! Perfect! Will you hand me that tape? I don’t want to lose this positioning.”

Charlotte stares at him. “No.”

“C’mon it’s right there.”

“No!”

“Okay, fine, I’ll get it.” He runs over, grabs the clear roll and runs back. He rips off a chunk of tape with his teeth and presses it simultaneously to the postcard and the wall.

“No!” Charlotte lunges in and rips it off the wall. “You’re being weird.”

“You’re the one being weird! You said you wanted to keep the postcards, I want to keep them too-”

“No! You want to hang them for some, some sick, twisted reason I can’t even wrap my head around!”

“I want to display them! I want to celebrate them! Like you said, they’re a part of you and I just want to show them off! Look at them! They’re so cool!” He shoves Cambodia into her face and runs to the kitchen.

“Do we have any magnets? Nevermind, I’ll just-” he rips off another piece of tape. He sticks Cambodia on the fridge.

He hangs Han Noi on the mirror in the bathroom, tacks Bangkok to their headboard, tapes Bali in the hallway and lastly, Singapore on the sliding door to the balcony.

He steps back at the final hanging place and admires his work.

“Fine.” Charlotte whispers from behind him.

He turns around. “What?”

“I admit it.” She places her face into her palms. She looks up, her eyes wet. “Maybe I’m still in love with him. Or at least, the idea of him.”

“Huh?”

“I had to leave Japan. My semester abroad was over. He moved on after I left. I mean, what did I expect? I expected to move on, too. I thought I did. Not only with you, but with others, too. I thought I was over him.”

George’s shoulders drop.

“I guess I’m not...I mean, I still have his postcards for crying out loud. Maybe you’re right - that does mean something. They’re from seven years ago. I couldn’t believe it when I said it, earlier, just today. Seven years? Wow.” She sinks into the couch in the bright front room. “Maybe I should see somebody about this.”

George sinks into the other side of the couch. The two stare ahead at the wall in front of them. Above, the ceiling fan shakes violently at its highest speed.

“How many guys have you slept with?” George’s face is straight.

Charlotte’s mouth gapes. “What?”

“Counting me. How many?”

“What? Why are-”

“Does it even matter anymore?” He throws up his arms and gestures towards himself, her, the postcards, the empty apartment.

“I’m not telling you.” She folds her arms across her chest.

“Fine, then. Get out.”

“Get out?”

“I don’t have to be well-traveled to know that…you’re well-traveled,” he says snidely.

“Excuse me? What are you saying?”

“How many guys have you been with?”

“George! Why are you asking?”

“You don’t want to answer because it’s a lot.”

“I don’t know how many girls you’ve been with. And, I’ll never ask.”

“Three. Including you.”

Charlotte hesitates. Then, “Look, George. I am who I am. Sure, I’ve been around I guess you could say. But who gives a shit? You love ME. All those experiences - the ones including and not including guys - have made me who I am. The girl you fell for. So really, what were you expecting?”

“Someone with a cleaner slate.”

Charlotte’s mouth opens in shock.

“Get out,” George says.

“Gladly.”

Charlotte plucks every postcard from its hanging position, shoves them in her bag and leaves George’s empty apartment.

#short story #story #fiction #travel #relationships

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didanawisgi · 5 years

Link

Today, we begin with a new Full Measure poll on the national news media. As you might expect: the results aren’t very good. For the media. Whether it’s coverage of the Russia investigation or the Covington High School kids, news consumers on all sides of the political spectrum report declining trust — in us. We turn to two experts to analyze the current Media Madness.

Sharyl: One need only sample lowlights from a single month to get a sense of the problem.

In January, a Seattle Fox affiliate aired a doctored video of President Trump.

President Trump: Some have suggested a barrier is immoral.

Buzzfeed: The comparison which shows Trump with an altered face and a looped licking of his lips

The same month, Special Counsel Robert Mueller refuted a BuzzFeed bombshell that falsely claimed Trump directed his ex-lawyer to lie to Congress.

And a January article about Melania Trump in the Telegraph was followed by seven corrections an apologyand an undisclosed payment to Mrs. Trump. One-sided narratives presented virtually unchallenged. National news quoting anonymous sources that turn out to be wrong.

The headline contains the most devastating part: President Trump directed his attorney to lie to congress.

The same month, Special Counsel Robert Mueller refuted a Buzzfeed bombshell that falsely claimed Trump directed his ex-lawyer to lie to Congress.

The Washington Post took us “Inside theBattle Over Trump’s Immigration Order”— only to later admit the article misreported Trump’s actions, a reported meeting had not actually occurred, and a conference call hadn’t happened as described.

FBI Director James Comey debunked a New York Times article about supposed contacts between Trump campaign staff “senior Russian intelligence officials.”

And NBC News reported that Russian President Putin said he had compromising information about Trump. Actually, Putin said the opposite. It’s been a bad few years for media credibility.

A new Full Measure poll conducted for Full Measure by Scott Rasmussen finds: 42% of Americans believe national political news coverage is inaccurate and unreliable. Fewer— 38%—believe it’s accurate and reliable. And 52% say it’s worse compared to five years ago.

National political reporters also get poor scores. Only 26% of those polled say reporters carefully report the facts. 57% say reporters use news stories to promote their own ideological agenda.

Pollster Scott Rasmussen:

Rasmussen: We asked about national political reporters are, are they credible, are they reliable? And you know, a little more than one out of three people say yes. When we ask about Wikipedia, we get the exact same answer. So what's happening is we have a world where people look at journalists like they look at Wikipedia. “Gee, that's an interesting fact. I better check it myself.”

Sharyl: And what does that tell you?

Rasmussen: The media has a huge credibility problem and it's always had the problem. Oh, we talk about it differently today. Now we talk about it as a political bias. I think the issues have always been there. I mean, people were complaining about the bias of Walter Cronkite back in the 1960s.

Sharyl: People forget about that.

Walter Cronkite: For it seems now more certain then ever that the bloody experience in Vietnam is to end in a stalemate.

Sharyl: It is often argued that Donald Trump created this media environment where everybody hates the media. And then others say he simply understood that environment, and capitalized on it. Which is it you see?

Rasmussen: Oh, people have hated the media for a very long time

Trump: Fake news folks, fake news. Typical New York Times fake stories.

Rasmussen: Donald Trump capitalized on it. He understood it, but he's not the first to do so. The first President Bush when he was campaigning, he actually got kind of aggressive with, I think it was Dan Rather, during an interview because a lot of Republicans weren't sure he had the fire to, to be president.

President Bush 1: It's not fair to judge my whole career by a re-hash on Iran. How would you like it if I judge your career by those seven minutes when you walked off the set in New York? Would you like that?

Rasmussen: So he capitalized on that. But all you're doing is tapping into a sentiment that's already there and Donald Trump is playing them but beautifully

Rasmussen says his polling found a good recent example of how many today have come to regard— or disregard— the national media. The Covington High School pro-life students’ confrontation with a Native American activist at a Washington DC protest.

Rasmussen: When the story broke, of the students from Covington high school, we went out and polled right away when the story first broke and ask people what they thought. And as you would expect, liberals and conservatives had different views of whether the high school students acted inappropriately or somebody else did.

Sharyl: So to summarize, liberals probably thought the high school students who were pro-life behaved inappropriately and aggressively.

Rasmussen: Yes.

Sharyl: And Conservatives thought the Native American was the one who is inappropriate.

Rasmussen: Yes. And by the way, conservatives also thought the media was inappropriate.

ABC news: A group of teenagers, some Catholic high school students, seen wearing Make America Great Again hats, appearing to face off with Nathan Phillips – a 65 year old Native American.

Rasmussen: And then we had a week's full of coverage. And as you recall, there was a lot more coverage that came out, uh, about the incident. A lot more videos and a lot more information. And a week later, nobody's opinion changed.

Sharyl: I’m surprised by that because some reporters and in media even apologized that they had been too hard on the children at first or the high school students without knowing the full story.

Whoopi Goldberg: So many people admitted they made snap judgements before all these other facts came in.

Sharyl: But you're saying the public at large, didn't change their mind?

Rasmussen: That's correct. The public at large made up their mind. They knew their sources

Sharyl: But the most overwhelming results came when we asked about the motivation of political reporters.

Rasmussen: 78% of voters say that what reporters do with political news is promote their agenda. They think they use incidents as props for their agenda rather than seeking accurately record what happened. Only 14% think that a journalist is actually reporting what happened.

Sharyl: Most people also seem to think reporters cannot be fair when it comes to their chosen political candidate.

Rasmussen: if a reporter found out something that would hurt their favorite candidate, only 36% of voters think that they would report that.

Sharyl: So most people think the reporter would cover it up because they like the person?

Rasmussen: Right, exactly. So voters are looking at them as a political activist, not as a source of information.

Sesno: An actual report or professional reporter would yeah never do that.

Frank Sesno is a former CNN correspondent and bureau chief. As head of the School of Media and Public Affairs at The George Washington University, he routinely confronts declining public trust in the media.

Sesno: The public understands fundamentally what journalism should be. They don't understand how it's actually practiced. And that falls to news organizations in my view, to be more creative, more imaginative about how they're engaging with their publics, to both explain what they do to defend what they do when it's controversial and to be accountable for what they do if it's wrong.

Sharyl: After 2016 when so many of us got the election so wrong, we promised a period of self-reflection and correction, have we done it?

Sesno: No, not enough. If we had done the self-reflection and correction better and more deeply, there would be more reporters reporting from more places across the country talking to more diverse audiences. We would not be so in tiredly focused at least in certain media channels and places on the Trump administration and the outrage of the moment. That being said, there is so much news from this administration. It's kind of hard not to do that.

Trump: If we don’t get what we want, I will shut down the government.

Sharyl: In the era of the Trump presidency, can you point to a couple of things you think the media has done right

Sesno: I would start, actually, in the Trump era by calling out NPR. I think NPR has done an exceptional about getting outside of Washington and engaging other voices and people from different sides of the ideological divide to get their sense of what's happening. would call out the New York Times and the Washington Post for making remarkable use of multimedia. So there's a lot of good journalism and good media that's taking place also that, that extends beyond the Trump administration. There is such a thing as beyond the Trump administration.

It may not seem like it as we move quickly into campaign 2020.

Sharyl: I guess we should warn people, hang on to their seat belt with 2020 campaign coming. What do you foresee in terms of media?

Sesno: Yeah, so here's the next danger. The next is everybody for walks right off the cliff of coverage like they did last time. Obsessing over, you know, the, the candidate du jour, the moment, du jour. How will the media be able to arbitrate this mass of people who all want to be president so that the audience can follow it with some degree of clarity, and so that you neither fall into an oversimplified narrative, or a narrative that just revolves around the melodrama of who's up, who's down, and who's making the most noise or tweeting the most.

You can find my list of Media Mistakes in the era of Trump at SharylAttkisson.com

#Sharyl Attkisson #journalism #investigative journalism #investigative reporting

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letowritings · 6 years

Text

It’s The Perfect Denial

Chapter 21

This would be a solo job since Josh had a break coming to him after covering for me while I was away with Jared and Shannon. I arrived in Seattle just after midday, still feeling that heart clenching ache deep down inside my chest. I checked into my hotel and sat on the bed, typing out a simple message to Jared, letting him know that I arrived safely. He spent the night with me last night, again, and I knew that he was deeply concerned about me.

Suddenly I felt overcome with guilt about some of the things I had said to him over the course of the last few days. It was because of that guilt that I felt the need to add the little heart emoji at the end of my text. He was the one always doing things like that for me and didn’t deserve my unfair treatment. I’m a grown ass woman and knew damn well what I was getting myself into when agreeing to this whole fucked up, twisted relationship in the first place. I also knew that an apology to Jared would be necessary at some point, but not just yet. I was still reeling from Shannon’s selfish desires and Jared’s confession about how they planned this whole thing.

I went out for a bite to eat, even though I still had zero appetite. All I really wanted to do was go back to my room and crawl into bed, numbing myself with sleep. God knows that the last thing I wanted was to look like I felt. It was safe to say that showing up to meet my client while wearing sunglasses would probably be frowned upon.

I stumbled onto this cute little mom and pop diner and ordered myself a vegetable omelette. The casual atmosphere at places like this always comforted me when I was away from home for some peculiar reason. My phone rang while I was waiting for my food and I was floored to see Sara’s name lit up on the screen. With a shaky voice, I answered and was immediately met with an apology. After a few minutes of catching up, my food was delivered to the table. Sara and I both began bawling after admitting how much we missed each other and I could only guess what the other patrons of the restaurant thought as they watched me sobbing uncontrollably into my phone, while stuffing my face with food.

She and I fought, like many friends sometimes do, but would forever be drawn back to one another. We had been close far too long to let a stupid fight, tear our friendship apart. I confided in her about what happened with Shannon and in true best friend fashion, she didn’t rub my face in the fact that she was right. No, instead, she offered me a shoulder to cry on.

I did exactly that, cried. Without finishing my plate of food, I paid and left the restaurant. While riding in a cab all the way back to my hotel, she tried to cheer me up, telling me how I didn’t deserve to be treated badly. We ended up talking for over two hours before I finally hung up and fell asleep, curled up into a ball in the center of my bed. When I woke up the following morning, I reached for my phone to check the time. It was almost five, but that wasn’t what made me gasp. I saw Shannon’s name, realizing he sent a text during my slumber. Without opening it, I slammed the phone face down on the bed and walked toward the bathroom.

Stripping my clothes away, I felt it coming on, another emotional breakdown. I stood under the water, feeling it cascading down my back and taking with it the last of my composure. I huddled in the corner of the shower, crying my eyes out for the next twenty minutes.

When I finally emerged from the bathroom, I picked up the phone, reading his message.

-Carrie I just wanted to apologize for the way things went down. I should have been honest with you about everything from the beginning. I realize Jared made himself look innocent, by throwing all of the guilt my way, but that’s not exactly the way it is. I recognize that no amount of apologizing will ease the pain for you and I hate myself for that. I also know you’re in Seattle, and would actually like to talk to you when you’re not busy. Please message me back when you get this. S-

‘Weak ass apology,’ I mumbled, tossing the phone back down onto the messy bed. I got myself ready to go and meet Lynda, my client.

On the way there, I stopped for coffee, hating the fact that the familiar aroma would forever stir up painful memories for me. I sipped on my daily injection of caffeine while sitting in the back of the taxi. When we stopped at a red light, I glanced into the nearly empty parking lot on the right and saw a cute family of three. A man, woman and presumably their child walked away from a popular shoe store. The little girl couldn’t have been more than two or three and her long dark hair was up in pigtails. She held onto their hands as they swung her in the air and she giggled wildly. She was adorable with her denim overalls and purple shirt. They neared the red minivan and the cab began to roll once again. I sat up and looked backward for one more quick peep. It just hit me out of nowhere. This was just a normal part of life. I could have this too, but not with two men, nobody could. A three way relationship may work for a while, but eventually somebody will get hurt. Reality had to set in at some point.

I met with my client and spent a few hours pulling together supplies and preparing for the actual job the next day. I hit a few shops that I had visited one time before and stopped to pick up some snacks before arriving back at the hotel. I loved shopping, but hated lugging it all back up to my hotel room.

Sitting at the table, I glanced out the window as I took a bite of my salad. It was going to rain and I pulled out my phone to read Jared’s messages from throughout the day. Glancing at the screen, I smiled at his incessant effort to stay sweet and considerate during my emotional breakdown. It was so quiet and lonely being away and knowing that someone missed me, made me feel special.

The knock on the door, threw me off. My room was cleaned while I was gone, so I knew it wasn’t housekeeping. I pulled the door open and instantly tried to close it when I saw who was on the other side. Unfortunately, he was fast, jamming it with his foot. “Quit being so stubborn and let me in.”

“Why are you here?” I inquired, trying not to raise my voice. I fought to keep from blinking, not wanting to grant Shannon the privilege of saying he made me cry. Sadly, it only worked for a few minutes and I turned away, recognizing that he wasn’t just going to leave.

I walked toward the bed and rolled my eyes at the fact that he was now in my room. “I’m here to see you. I want to apologize, the proper way. I know Jared painted me the villain.”

I snickered, “Oh, that’s right, there are two sides to every story, but you know Shannon, you’re a lying bastard in both of them. You let me believe she was Jared that night, so from my standpoint, you are the villain. Did you actually fly here to apologize to me?” I saw him swallow hard, nodding, but still avoiding my eyes.

Thinking back to that night and how close we were to arriving at the point of no return, I came to the breaking point of my patience. I was blinded by rage and the bitter taste of betrayal left me trembling. “Fine! I accept your apology, now get the hell out!”

#jared/shannon leto fanfiction #shannon leto fanfiction #jared leto fanfiction #It’s The Perfect Denial #chapter 21 #thirty seconds to mars fanfiction #thirty seconds to mars fics

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saturninefilms · 5 years

Photo

What’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself today and why? Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

For specific songlists, Spotify. For random songs to blot the silence, Pandora. Never Soundcloud. 2. is your room messy or clean?

It’s hard for my room to be messy when it’s literally just a bed and four walls. My room is neither. It’s just empty.

3. what color are your eyes?

Sometimes blue, sometimes green.

4. do you like your name? why?

I like it when both of my names are put together. “Cody Weber” sounds nice to me. I like the double syllable sounds when combined to make four. When I think of my first name on it’s own, though, and I suddenly don’t like it at all.

To me, “Cody” is the name of a child. He’s getting yelled at by his mom for straying too far away from the designated play areas and is pretending as if he’s not listening. For some reason, my name just doesn’t strike as one that belongs to a thirty year old man. It was applicable when I was five. At thirty, it makes me feel puerile. 5. what is your relationship status?

Jaded beyond repair. 6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

Up to you. 7. what color hair do you have?

Blonde 8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

A majestic, white 2006 Ford Taurus. She used to get me all around the country without a hiccup, but she’s become stubborn in her old age and now only starts when she feels particularly inclined. 9. where do you shop? Thrift stores and the internet. 10. how would you describe your style? Pay attention to me, but only for a second and then knock it off. 11. favorite social media Used to be Tumblr until they got rid of the porn. Now it’s probably Snapchat. 12. what size bed do you have? Queen without the queen. 13. any siblings? Cheyanne, Dakota, Jake. 14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? I romanticize Italy, but I have no idea if I’d actually love it as much as I think I would. Nothing more beautiful than an Italian woman. No food better than good Italian cuisine. And the scenery seems breathtaking. Would I actually like it, though? Who knows. As far as places that I’ve actually been to and enjoyed, I wouldn’t mind living in New Orleans again. Seattle was really nice. If I had unlimited funds, I’d probably just go to LA, though. That’s where all my favorite stuff happens. 15. favorite snapchat filter? It’s always the one that exists for a day and then is randomly removed. OH, BUT WE CAN HAVE THE STUPID DOG FILTER IN PERPETUITY, THOUGH. 16. how many times a week do you shower? 8-10. 17. favorite tv show? Right now, it’s KIDDING. Brilliant show.

18. shoe size? 12. 19. how tall are you? 6′2. Thanks Quackenbush genetics, by the way, because I’d be 5′4 or less otherwise. I find it eternally impressive that my dad (a relatively short dude) impressed my mom (a relatively tall woman) to dig him. No easy feat. 20. sandals or sneakers? Boots. 21. do you go to the gym? If it wasn’t $400 annually, I definitely would. But alas, that’s too rich for my blood. 22. describe your dream date. At this point in my life, I have 0 desire to even go on a date. 23. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

Enough to feed myself. Not enough to do anything fun. 24. what color socks are you wearing? Black. 25. how many pillows do you sleep with? One big one that the internet swore would help me sleep more soundly. Spent like $100 on the damn thing and have experienced no difference. 26. do you have a job? what do you do? I use my camera. I sling drinks. 27. how many friends do you have? More than I’ve ever had before, that’s for certain. 28. whats the worst thing you have ever done? It would be easier for me to compile a list of things I’m proud to have done. Most of my time is spent being ashamed of one thing or another. 29. whats your favorite candle scent? I like the ones that smell like faux-forest. I hate the ones that smell like cinnamon. 30. favorite actor? Jim Carrey, Daniel Day-Lewis, Tom Hanks 31. favorite actress? Kate Winslet 32. who is your celebrity crush? Emmy Rossum. She could get it. 33. favorite movie? Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind 34. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? Yes, words are my favorite things in the world. Favorite book is “Downtown Owl” by Chuck Klosterman and my favorite collection of poems is “What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through The Fire” by Charles Bukowski. 35. money or brains? I’ve dated rich girls. I’ve dated smart girls. Consensus: Rich girls suck. Smart girls know how to murder you without even trying. Can I try a pretty, poor girl that’s sweet and thoughtful? Haven’t had that yet. 36. do you have a nickname? what is it? Some people affectionately refer to me as, “that fuckin’ prick.” It’s really sweet. 37. how many times have you been to the hospital? Do people keep track of this kind of thing? A lot when I was a kid. Since insurance stopped being a thing, though, and only a handful. 38. top 10 favorite songs I can’t do this for all-time lists because I love way too many songs for way too many reasons. My top-ten AS OF THIS MOMENT list is as such, though. 1. LCD Soundsystem - I Can Change 2. Rex Orange County - Loving Is Easy 3. Two Feet - Had Some Drinks 4. Token - Flamingo Video Shoot 5. Joyner Lucas - I Love (ADHD) 6. Mac Miller - Objects In The Mirror 7. Bring Me The Horizon - Wonderful Life 8. The Taxpayers - I Love You Like An Alcoholic 9. Flora Cash - You’re Somebody Else 10. Benjamin Tod - Hungry For You Blues 39. do you take any medications daily? Albuterol for the asthma. Cortizone 10 for the eczema. 40. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) Painfully, utterly dry year round. 41. what is your biggest fear? At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I feel like I’ve already experienced most things I’m afraid of. Chances are, if I fear it, the reason is because I know it’s going to happen at some point. 42. whats your go to hair style? Arrogantly disheveled. 43. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) I still want to live in an RV and travel around at my leisure. That’s the dream. 44. who is your role model? I don’t idolize anyone. 45. what was the last compliment you received? “You’re talented and I hate you.” - some dude at the bar. 46. what was the last text you sent? “Tomorrow would be fine.” 47. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? I never got a chance to believe in Santa. My grandma told me the whole thing was a lie when I was real young. 48. what is your dream car? Tesla’s seem like they’re moving in the direction of the future. Probably one of them. 49. opinion on smoking? It’s fucking retarded and I can’t stop. 50. do you go to college? You know how stupid people will always tell you that they have “street smarts” because they weren’t formally educated and don’t want to feel excluded intellectually? Yeah, I got street smarts. 51. what is your dream job? DEAREST full time, on the road, playing venues and bars and festivals. 52. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? It doesn’t make much of a difference to me. When I live in the suburbs, I wish I lived rural. When rural, I wish that I was around more people. Can’t be pleased, this guy. 52. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Nah, because I usually use them AT the hotel. When a hotel feels particularly special, though, I’ll keep the room key. I have a useless key from a Best Value Inn from April of 2017 that I’ll never get rid of, for instance, and another one from a bougie hotel in New Orleans. Not sure why I do it, other than the fact that I’m absolutely 100% an emotive pack-rat. 53. do you have freckles? I have one on the left side of my face due to falling asleep on a Florida beach in 2016. I thought it was cancer for a while. One time, I was seeing a girl and she said it was her favorite feature on my face. Mostly, I forget it’s there unless it’s pointed out. 54. do you smile for pictures? Not if I can help it. 55. how many pictures do you have on your phone? I don’t know, a couple thousand? 56. have you ever peed in the woods? I piss outside whenever I can. There’s something primitive and carnal about it. If I get the chance, I’ll be peeing outside. 57. do you still watch cartoons? F Is For Family is one of my favorite shows at the moment. 58. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? I’m not a big nugget guy. Gimme a Baconator. 59. Favorite dipping sauce? Sriracha. 60. what do you wear to bed? Nothing, usually. 61. have you ever won a spelling bee? I got really close a couple times in my formative years. 62. what are your hobbies? photos, writing, music, videos, destroying myself from the inside out like a dying star, listening to sad songs that will only make me more sad because I’m not a smart man. 63. can you draw? Only parallels. 64. do you play an instrument? Drums, guitar, bass, synth, and I’m trying to learn to sing better. I wish I could play the piano. 65. what was the last concert you saw? Every Time I Die in Iowa City. 66. tea or coffee? Tea is just fancy sink water. Coffee 100 times out of 100. 67. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Cafe Paradiso. 68. do you want to get married? I do not see that in my future, nah. Too jaded. 69. what is your crush’s first and last initial? I don’t have one. Emmy Rossum could still get it, though. 70. are you going to change your last name when you get married? Even if I were to ever get married, I don’t think I’d ever change my name, no. I’m not new-age or enlightened enough for that. 71. what color looks best on you? White. 72. do you miss anyone right now? Sure. 73. do you sleep with your door open or closed? What kind of idiot sleeps with the door open? Gross. 74. do you believe in ghosts? Only the ones that live inside your head. 75. what is your biggest pet peeve? When someone spills something on a carpet and scrubs the substance out. Something about that just makes me squirm. 76. last person you called? My mom. She didn’t answer. 77. favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate. 78. regular oreos or golden oreos? Golden Oreos are an abomination from God and I don’t trust anybody that prefers them over the original. 79. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Sprinkles are fucking useless. 80. what shirt are you wearing? A blue sweater. 81. what is your phone background? Whatever came on it when I bought it. 82. are you outgoing or shy? 1-4 Drinks - Shy 4+ Drinks - Outgoing as fuck. 83. do you like it when people play with your hair? If in the right context, sure. Laying in bed as I’m falling asleep? Totally appropriate. At 1:30 AM while I’m trying to have a conversation with somebody at the bar? Fuck off with that shit. 84. do you like your neighbors? One of them saved our dog when he chewed a layer of fence out and got his neck stuck. I like him. 85. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? Is face-washing not a normal thing or something? 86. have you ever been high? lol. 87. have you ever been drunk? LOL. 88. last thing you ate? Domino’s Pizza, last night. 89. favorite lyric right now? “I used to promise you I'd keep you out my lyrics You’re gonna hate me even more when you hear this.“ 90. summer or winter? Winter sucks. Summer’s nice. 91. day or night? The part of morning when day and night look exactly the same. 92. dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk. I’m an American, baby. 93. favorite month? April. 94. what is your zodiac sign? Virgo, but it’s all nonsense that means nothing. 95. who was the last person you cried in front of? Someone that shouldn’t have sat witness to it. 96. what did your last relationship teach you? Love can be enough, too much, and not enough all at the same time depending on your vantage point.

97. what’s the one thing you would like to change about yourself today and why? I wish I was less cynical. It’s my least favorite human characteristic and something I struggle with as a defining characteristic for myself. 98. which fictional character do you believe is the most like yourself? Joel in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. 99. what are your beliefs on god? I don’t believe she exists and have a bone to pick with her if she does. 100. do you usually follow your heart or your head? heart always wins and it never should.

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

Text

How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? oooo boy. ok lets see. 5 dogs, 9 cats?

Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? My mom doesn’t play anything. My dad is a drummer

Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? Yes. I’ve done it this week alone, just to try and calm down a little.

Can you crack crab legs without a tool? i have no idea. I don’t eat crab or anything in the sea for that matter.

How many light sources are in the room you’re in? ooo good question. umm, eight? lol

What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? uhhh cream cheese.

Who’s your favorite director? i really don’t know, i don’t follow who directs what.

Bats: cute or gross? i mean, I don’t really care.

What was the last really intense pain you felt? lung pain during this whole nonsense.

Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? either.

How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I would love to, but I don’t see it happening with the travel restrictions these days.

What is your father's middle name? He doesn’t have one. he’s got a family name and the men who have it do not have a middle name. Where did your last kiss take place? uhhh I believe on my driveway

Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? no clue, tbh. none that come to mind

Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? I don’t think ive ever done that.

Which one of your family members are you closest to? My mom. one of my brothers and my sister.

Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? brand names just don’t matter to me, but if i was forced to choose i guess shoes?

Are you a good liar? no. not at all.

Are you proud of your parents? Im super proud of my mom.

Which is better: orange or grape soda? orange

Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? hot. so yummy.

Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? uhhhhhhh, idk who was here when I wasn’t in town, but prior to that I would imagine em/nathan

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? green

Can you remember the last song you listened to? something from the toy story soundtrack lol. I’m binge watching all four today... I am using Kile’s disney+ for as long as he has it. I don’t think he watches it ever, so I imagine it’ll cut off soon.

Have you ever been dumped really harshly? once. it was horrible. every other time I’ve done the break up.

Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? heck’n no. unless im going into a pool maybe.

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? yes

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? he sexually assaulted me

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? my preference is laptop,

Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? not currently.

If not, do you want one? yeah i’d like to have income.

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? yes. a few.

What’s your favorite Mexican dish? pork tacos from mama marias omggggggggggggg.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes. bulls games, bears games

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? of course.

What months were you and your siblings born in? january, july, august, august

What did you have for dinner last night? nicks.

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? absolutely. to keep the shape n such.

Has your town ever flooded? uhhhhh to my knowledge once. it had rained SO heavily for like a week and the local ponds and lakes were over-flowing. a car literally floated down my road. it was so weird.

Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? when I was a kiddo yes. not often tho cus I didn’t like the smell, it was always sticky, and there were always bratty kids.

Have you ever taken a picture of snow? only every single day it snows

Do you cry easily? i notoriously do not cry in front of anyone. I am not a crier. when I lost Kile I cried for weeks.

Are you happy with where you live? I love it.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No

Do you hate the last person you kissed? no, i’m not a hateful person

What genre is your favorite movie? drama, romance, kids lol

Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. she picked me up from the airport.

Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? yes. I always seem to get the nice workers and they help so much.

When was the last time somebody hit on you? yesterday. blegh.

Was the last person you met a male or female? hmm. Iiiiiii wanna say male.

What brand is your underwear? I think the pair im wearing is hanes.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? usually green bean casserole.

Do you have a TV in your room? yup. watching TS1 right now.

Are any of your electronics charging right now? my phone. of course it was on 2 percent.

What was the last video game you played? acnh on the switch.

What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? that they will be there for me forever and always take care of me. no.

Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google.

What was the last song you had on repeat? more by bobby darin

Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? froggy fresh

How many college degrees do you want? i have two. I’d like my masters and/or phd

Can you wink? yes but I dont think it looks good lol i have to get better

Do you own any jerseys? I did, I dont know if I have any still

Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? No. i wasn’t a dumb child and i certainly wouldnt do that as an adult

Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? not really no.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? no.

Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? im not into piercings on guys. tattoos are fine if they arent trashy

Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? all the time.

What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? kind of a creamy taupe-y color

Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? no

Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? i probably consume more fruits? but i love both.

What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? white

Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? no. sadly

What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? i cant even tell you the last time i went to a dollar store.

Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! I would have been murdered lol no i dont do that. it grosses me out.

When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? something on a lot of land, big front porch.

Where do you want to get married? probably a courthouse. maybe outdoors?

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? no. just mom.

What is your favorite childhood TV show? recess

Honestly, do you like school? no. i looooooooooooooooooooooooove it.

Last thing that made you cry? probably dejavu.

Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? sort of yes.

Last person you took a walk with? liza, em, dutch, della

Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? i think currently to be honest.

Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? lol either mario or an old friend david

Does any part of your body hurt? yeah. my muscles have been weakening sooooooo bad it is so painful.

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? Million bucks. noooooooooooo question.

Can you keep a secret? Sure.

Your favorite romantic movie? sleepless in seattle probs.

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I loved it for the longest timeeeeeeee. i dont think ill love it as much this next year, but maybe by then ill have met someone new who knows.

Who was the last person you took a picture with? uuuuuhhh probably one of my nephews/niece

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Some do, some dont.

Do you celebrate 420? Nope. verrrrrry much not my thing.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? i think so lol

How do you eat Oreos? with milk.

Do you wear your shoes in the house? sometimes. my preference is slippers. we usually wear something on our feet because gram needs to and so does mom.

Would you survive in prison? probably not, tbh.

Ever been to Georgia? the state, yes. many times. the country? never.

Do you get your hair cut every month? gosh no. my dream is to get my hair done professionally again sometime, but its so daggum expensive.

Current relationship in detail. I am single. i will probably start casually dating soon.

If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? i dont even know. I always imagined I’d go to kile. but who knows now.

List things you spend money on in an average week. i can go several weeks without spending.

Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. ooooooohhhhhh, id rather not.

Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? i am convinced bill would not give a fig whether or not im in a relationship. mom, however, would probably be EEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXtra cautious now.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? oh im sure.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? yes. even if we don’t talk anymore... theres just always a connection.

What board games are you good at? oooo, i’m very good at board games.

Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? quilting. its expensive and im not wanting to get it all cvid-y

Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? Immature.

Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? there are people who can pull it off, but it is notttttttttt my style.

Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? debt bill put my mom in. they don’t speak tho.

Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? the first couple years.

If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? I don’t use the switch handheld, despite really wishing i could. the controllers are broken and beyond what I can afford. so I just use the tv dock.

Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? i’d pick it up 1000000000000000% , I just would be so curious what they would say.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? absolutely.

Are you afraid of falling in love? I am. I don’t ever again want to feel the way ive felt with my two heart breaks.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? yes, but the feeling is lessening. I responded to him for the first time in... idk how long. thinking he’d be eager to talk and be responsive. he wasn’t. it just pushes me further and further from feeling those feelings.

Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? no, i dont think so.

Did you get kissed last night? goodness no.

Do you enjoy going through a carwash? I love it.

How did you get most of your scars? benny. by far.

Ever had to take an inkblot test? I have taken 2. One for a fellow student in a classroom who had to administer it for a project. another time in a psych class the prof asked me to for a demonstration

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep! the only time ive been grounded.

Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? no. I do not get physical in my anger. I withdraw.

What/who woke you up this morning? Just me.

Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? My mom. dropping off ice water and benny.

What’s one of your locked text messages? I don’t even know if this phone locks messages tbh. I used to do that all the time on my t9 phones.

Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I think maybe 1 time.

Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? Yes.

The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? I wouldn’t say alllllllll, but i do think inhibitions are lowered so it makes it easier

When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? messaging kile and realizing he isn’t interested in responding. makes me feel so dumb.

How about feeling disappointed in someone else? something a family member did to me this past week.

For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? ummm. lately it’s been jealousy. i dont like people taking what was mine. but i’m learning if they had access to it, that likely means that it is best to let it go. so maybe im now leaning towards envy of like beautiful relationships.

Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? uhhh, not unless its like in a joking, light-hearted manner.

Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? when im not sick... i vacuum, dust, do dishes, wipe counters and table, do laundry of others, disinfect, etc.

For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? I would say 51% comfort and 49% looking nice

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? yes. lots of jealousy due to their feelings toward me.

Do you like Laffy Taffy? No. not my style of candy

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? manual.

Are your biceps at all noticeable? hardly.

Have you ever seen a walrus? absolutely!

Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? no. one time moms friends daughter (who was significantly older than me) lent hers to us... but there were no mixes of anything. so I didn’t know what to do with it.

Does your bathroom have a theme to it? nope.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? uhhhhhhhh 3 if you dont include the garage door.

Are there a lot of trees in your yard? i wouldn’t say a lot. I wish.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? treating me like crap cuts down my interest like immediately.

Have a best friend? meh.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? no.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? yes. I dont need to concern them or worry them.

Does anyone hate you? kiles ex(?) i am sure does.

What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? hm. i dont really have any.

Do you remember important dates? yes. almost always.

What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? “what if we could put the world on hold and finally meet somewhere inside of the world? I would meet you... would you meet me?”

Who gives the best advice? mom

Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) It varies. depends on who I think about.

What type of cake did you last eat? graduation cake.

How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? I have like 4 casual friends that are, but my closest friends are all straight.

What’s your favorite type of sandwich? buona chicken one. bless it.

When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? tonight. I said maybe once this quarantine business is over.

Do you like The Offspring? I know a couple of songs but I definitely can’t call myself a fan. << same

One pillow or two? 12

Do you like Mad Libs? not really no.

Are you suicidal? no. I mean there are moments where I think wow, i dont want to be here. but not like let me put together a plan.

Where do your grandparents live? my fathers parents were killed by a drunk driver bout ten years ago. My mothers father passed away maybe 12 years ago. My gram is fine and lives in the room down the hall.

Do you cut yourself? not purposely

What is your pet’s name? benny and lottie.

Have you ever been to Canada? not yet.

Aren’t babies overrated? no, no. theyre expensive af though.

Have a built-in pool in your backyard? i wish more than anything but no.

Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? maybe once or twice. I one time had a guy win me an animal at a carnival and i found that sooooooooooooooooo attractive.

Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? woops. yes. lol

Ever been to a circus? i think when i was really little.

Ever shot animals? I have not. i couldn’t.

Do you consider yourself intelligent? I do. It is something I have some confidence in.

Have you ever run away from home? when my dad was abusive, yes.

Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? faith, family, friends, school, relationships (only cus im not in one)

What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? my faith.

What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? my degrees and honors.

Are you satisfied with your body image? no. I am honored to have a body that is capable of all that it is.. that has been my “home” all these years. the body that still breathes life every day, thats all incredible. I dislike having the fat that I do, as I worry it could be off putting to others. but then I realize im fine being single, so then my body imagine is fine. its a weird cycle.

Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? yes. when I worked and a customer didnt like a policy or whatnot.

Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? never to my knowledge have I taken advantage of someone else seriously. I have been VERY seriously taken advantage of.

Have you ever been seriously ill? trying to get over it now tbh

Have you ever befriended a former enemy? uhhhh, not that I know of. I tend to be friendly to everyone, but I can’t think of a situation where it was an enemy.

If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I do pray for others quite often. it’s important to me. I sometimes will see strangers and immediately start praying over them. I actually almost started my GRE late because I was praying over every person I saw in the room lol.

Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? no. not to my knowledge anyway.

Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? yes! like 8 miles lol. I have not.

When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? this past week.

Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? shes everyones favorite. shes kind, funny, sarcastic, down-to-earth, warm.

Who have you been talking to the most today? mom lol

Are you nosy? I think it could be perceived as nosy but I love to make people feel ridiculously special. So I will sit and ask questions just to get them talking about themselves. If I recognize the personal questions are not working, I’ll keep it totally light.

What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? i really dont know.

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? if we consider kile an ex, it would probably be that he feels overwhelmed and feels alone because he doesnt have me or his ex anymore. :(

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? ooooo thats hard to narrow down.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? no. everyone comments on how they love when it turns wheezy.

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wayhaughterthanyou · 6 years

Note

1-120, dare you

3 Fears- That my computer will crash at question 119, spiders, and planes

3 things I love- Wynonna Earp, writing, and video games

2 turns on- Hmm when someone runs their hands through my hair or shows me any kind of affection at all

2 turns off- Flat-earthers and people who refuse to interact with anything other than my genitals during sex

My best friend- My brother

Sexual orientation- Queer trans man

How tall am I- 5′7″

What do I miss right now- Sleep

Favourite color- PURPLE

Do I have a crush- I do..kind of

Favourite place- My bedroom

What am I listening to right now- My brother play fortnite- but the last song I was listening to was I wanna get better by Bleachers

Shoe size- 9

Eye color- Brown

Hair color- Brown

Meaning behind my URL- I think it’s pretty obvious

Favourite song- Morning in America- Jon Bellion

Favourite band- I really really don’t have one, I listen to such a wide range of music that it’s obnoxious and really hard to pick one

How I feel right now- Tired as fuck

Someone I love- MY CAT

My current relationship status- Single as can be my dude

My relationship with my parents- Stressful

Favourite season- Winter

Tattoos and piercing i have- I have a quill pen tattoo down my left forearm and a septum peircing

Tattoos and piercing i want- So so many tattoos, too many to list on this already long ask. As for piercings idk. I’m good for now but I might drill more holes into my body someday

The reasons I joined Tumblr- I was really into the disney memes

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Lucky to say that I do

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?- It was my dad so…technically yes, yes I have

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?- It takes 3 seconds to get dressed and an hour and a half to be prepared to see another human being

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? Nope

Where am I right now? I’m at home

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? I’m surprised I can still hear

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? I do

Am I excited for anything? NYC PRIDE 2018!!!

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yup

How often do I wear a fake smile? Honey I worked in food service for 5 years, fake is the only smile I know

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Melanie Scrofano

What do I think about most? Wearp

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind for sure, but I’m working on it!

What was the last lie I told? I told my dad I ate lunch

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Video chat. Phone calls frighten me

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes.

Do I believe in magic? IN A YOUNG GIRLS HEART HOW THE MUSIC CAN FREE HER WHENEVER IT STARTS

Do I believe in luck? Yes I have tons of bad luck so there has to be some good luck making someone else happy out there somewhere

What’s the weather like right now? It was pouring and freezing earlier and now it’s super hot I hate spring

What was the last book I’ve read? I recently reread To Kill A Mockingbird

Do I have any nicknames? Seattle

Do I spend money or save it? I try to save it and then I pay rent and then I pay bills and then I don’t have moneys and then I’m sad

Can I touch my nose with a tounge? I literally can’t even reach my septum ring lmao

Favourite animal? Orcas

What was I doing last night at 12 AM? I knocked the fuck out at like 10

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Wildwood by Fleurie

What is my favorite word? Sacapuntas

My top 5 blogs on tumblr? @a-maelstrom @weirdofreakish @wayhaughtship @oliviajoytaylor @earpdearp

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Have you tried taking Bikini Bottom and pushing it over there?

Do I have any relatives in jail? I had a cousin in for check fraud a couple years ago but I didn’t know her so all I used it for was threatening my bullies

What is my current desktop picture?- It’s a wearp season 2 cast photo

Had sex? I’ve done the sex

Bought condoms? Hell no you can get those for free I’m a baller on a budget

Gotten pregnant? Nope

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Yeah I don’t mean to brag but she was hella wet

Had job? Several

Smoked weed? I’m high rn so

Smoked cigarettes? I used to when I was in middle school and then I had a crush on this girl who didn’t like them so I stopped and I should really thank her

Drank alcohol? Yup, illegally though because i live in a country where you can go to war before you can drink

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? I’ve tried but I have bad enough eating habits already and it made me eat oatmeal all day cause I’m too lazy to do anything right

Been overweight? I was overweight by a lot about 6 months ago

Been underweight? I’m currently underweight

Gotten my heart broken? Yes

Been to prom? Hell yeah! I took my manager from work and we slow danced to Beautiful by James Blunt

Been in airplane? UNfortunately

Learned another language? I took AP spanish for 7 years

Wore make up? Yup

Dyed my hair? So many times

Had a surgery? Tonsils only

Met someone famous? I’ve met a bunch of bands over the years at Warped Tour

Stalked someone on a social network? Of course

Been fishing? Yup! It’s a right of passage when you grow up on an island

Been rejected by a crush? Of course

What do I want for birthday? I want to give myself this present and I want to have at least posted my first video to my youtube channel

Do I like my handwriting? I love it

Where do I want to live when older? Canada

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? No my parents are dumb

What I’m really bad at? Playing instruments

What my greatest achievments are- I finally looked at my tumblr theme after like 4 years of not knowing what it looks like and its actually not that bad

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me- Lmao I can’t think of anything that could be on that level right now but the other day my mother looked me in the eyes and goes “You know your life sucks right?”

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: Damn I’d but a new computer immediately and then move across the world

What do I like about myself- My jawline

My closest Tumblr friend- @a-maelstrom

Any question you’d like? My favorite school house rock song is the Preamble song

Are you outgoing or shy? I’m not shy I just generally don’t like talking to other humans

What kind of people are you attracted to? Kind ones

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Maybe? If I’ve learned anything from life it’s that you really never know but I DAMN HOPE

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? It depends on who it’s with but most of the time no

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My friend Shaf

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “No, we’re good.”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Icon- Jaden Smith, Bottom of the deep blue sea- Missio, Let you go- Machine gun kelly, little sister- trixie mattel, and In the middle- dodie

Do you like it when people play with your hair? 10/10 would die for that shit

Do you think there is life on other planets? Definitely

Do you like bubble baths? I do but I’m too large for my tub and it’s very sad

Do you like your neighbors? I don’t think I have ever said a single word to a single one of them

Where would you like to travel? San Fransisco

Favorite part of your daily routine? Playing video games

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Every single one of my bits

What do you do when you wake up? Wish I was back asleep

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Darker, I’m pale as fuck

Do you ever want to get married? If I find the right person

If your hair long enough for a pony tail? A tiny one on top of my head

Would you rather live without TV or music? I’d rather die thanks

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Of course

What are your favorite stores to shop in? Amazon

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? I guess it depends but mostly yeah

Do you smile at strangers? HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I mispelled my name on twitter and was too lazy to change it but today a guy called me out so I changed it and acted like I didn’t because I’ll do what I want sir

Ever wished you were someone else? I used to a lot

Favourite makeup brand? I know nothing about make up

Last thing you ate? Mac and cheese

Ever won a competition? For what? Soccer

Ever been in love? Yes

Facebook or Twitter? Twitter and if you’d like to follow me my name is AmongSeattle

Okay that took a lot longer than I had anticipated but I had a lot of fun. Thank you so much for taking the time to test how much my computer can take before it gives in. Join me next time when I’ll probably be answering 500 questions and encoding my social security into the text :*

#my asks #among seattle

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mossyrossaliceinterviews · 4 years

Text

Going Down the Rabbit Hole with Wes Watkins

Aug 25, 2020

By Mossy Ross

Photo: Bohemian Foundation

Wes Watkins has seen it all. From living on the streets and sleeping on trains, to touring the world with bands like Air Dubai or Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats; Wes has earned his stripes as an authority on life experience. So I thought it would be more insightful to use his own words to introduce our interview, by sharing what he wrote on Bandcamp to release his latest EP:

“I share this rushed album in hope that it reaches you in a place of good health, curiosity, and motivation.

I do not think that I, by any means, have all the answers.

I do believe that if we were more diligent in our pursuit of the actuality of our country’s history we would find our generation more prepared to underpin the greater good in the days to come.

I believe that we have been subject to the bigoted representation of an individual’s worth by our racist country and most are unaware that they are even effected by the indoctrination.

I believe that we all have our own bias and true change starts with an individual.

I believe that when that individual can truly hold themselves accountable for their daily actions, words, or thoughts; then they can begin to truly hold their community accountable as well.

I believe when that community can truly hold themselves accountable for their daily actions, words, or thoughts; then they can begin to truly hold their communities accountable.

And the fight grows and goes on.

So I share this album to make, at least, the beginning of the painful process of unveiling the true chronicles of our country a little more sufferable.

I have included some very basic, Wikipedia, links to get everyone started on their voyage.

Stay healthy, Stay empowered, Stay informed, Stay curious.”

In keeping with Wes’s advice to stay curious and research, you can click on the bold faced words to learn more about the people, places, and political and historical events he references. You can click on each one, and go down a rabbit hole of enlightenment. According to Wes, information is our biggest ally in the fight towards a more equitable society. Here’s a chance to arm ourselves with knowledge. Mossy: Are you originally from Denver?

WW: Yeah, believe it or not.

Mossy: Why is that unbelievable?

WW: Well, because Denver is super segregated. Aurora’s a pretty integrated city. But I think being black and from Denver, not just, like, living in Denver, is kind of like being black and from Seattle.

Mossy: Gotcha. So what was growing up in Denver like? I’m guessing, based on the sound of your new album, that you grew up going to church.

WW: Yeah, I grew up in the church. My parents were like, “You are not listening to mainstream music.” So I could listen to oldies, and I was in the church, and I started playing trumpet when I was twelve. I was playing keys and singing before then. And then when I was seventeen, my parents got a messy divorce, and I ended up homeless. And I like to say I’d been playing trumpet, at that point, for six years. But when I really started playing trumpet, was when I was homeless. I used to meet all these old cats who were like, “Ah, you don’t know what you’re doin.’ Do this, do this.” And then when a buddy got back from college, all of a sudden I was in one band, and then I was in, like, a bajillion bands. And that brings us to here. And now I’m not in any bands. I quit all of that and started my own.

Photo: George Blosser

Mossy: How did you end up homeless from your parents’ divorce?

WW: My mother went to a shelter, and since I was turning eighteen the next week, I couldn’t go with her. And since a restraining order was filed against my father, I couldn’t go with him. I was a minor when the restraining order was filed.

Mossy: How long were you homeless?

WW: Few years. Three years-ish. I think by 2009, I was finally on a lease.

Mossy: Did you ever live in a shelter?

WW: I went to a shelter, but I bailed out of the shelter pretty quickly. Cus shelters are messed up, man. There’s cats who are workin’ the shelter dealing drugs. It’s just another system that is really poorly designed. So it’s not helping these cats who are stuck in these situations at all, really. I would buy a cup of coffee and sit in the coffee shop all night, and then I would buy a round trip ticket on our light rail, and just sleep on the light rail in the morning, and then go and play trumpets on the streets all day.

Mossy: So something I liked about your album besides just the music alone, was what you wrote about it on Bandcamp. History seems to be such a strong focal point for you. It seems like when history is taught in schools, it’s more for reading comprehension. You just read the chapter and answer the questions at the end. There’s rarely any context, or explanation for why things that happened in the past, are still affecting what’s happening now today. You have speech excerpts by James Baldwin, Malcolm X, Nina Simone…these important historical figures. Clearly it’s important to you for people to hear those voices. How do you think knowing history can help end the systemic racism in this country?

WW: Well first off, I’m actually a high school teacher now.

Mossy: Oh shit! What do you teach?

WW: I teach audio production at alternative high schools. But you know, I don’t believe in history. I say that a lot, I talk about history a lot. History’s just weird because whoever wrote the history, that’s what we’re hearing. The winning side gets to write history. What I really believe in is chronicles. Because a chronicle is a factual account of history. There’s no, “We won, so it was like this!” Look, the last civil rights movement was fourteen years long, and it never stopped. I think that now what I find, is what we’re teaching our kids is kind of this weird experience of, “Martin Luther King was like this, glorious god.” And it’s like, no, Martin Luther King was a chauvinist. He was a sex addict and he really struggled. But in the same regard, he did amazing things. If we were doing a better job of just saying, “This is what happened,” and letting people assess for themselves, I think that we could teach empathy. And I think if people were empathetic to how our world is working, then all of a sudden we don’t have racism. Racism exists because people don’t have the empathy. They don’t understand how to put themselves in somebody else’s shoes. And I don’t think we can actually put ourselves in somebody else’s shoes, but you can try. And that’s empathy. I don’t wanna have sympathy for anybody, I just want everybody to have a little bit of empathy. And I think there’s a reason that you have cats like King and Simone and Fred Hampton, Huey P. (Newton), Muhammad Ali, all these cats…they’ve been sayin’ the same thing. I wrote songs ten years ago that I can go and play at a show, that will still have valid content today. And that’s because nobody got the empathy tip.

Mossy: Yeah, history definitely helps teach empathy. But also critical thinking and curiosity. What you said about Martin Luther King, I mean, in some religious and/or racist communities, every great thing Martin Luther King did, is discredited because he cheated on his wife. And so, you have these pious, religious people saying that anything this man said about treating people like human beings, is completely null and void. Because he had his own issues. I mean, sex addiction is a real psychological problem. It doesn’t discredit everything you do. It just means you need help. It doesn’t mean you’re not a sensitive, intelligent person. If that was the case, we wouldn’t be able to like a lot of artists. Jackson Pollack or Michael Jackson.

WW: Yeah! I mean, people are still buying Kanye records! (Laughs) Why!? Have you ever heard the name Glenn E. Smiley?

Mossy: No.

WW: Glenn E. Smiley is an interesting character that’s been erased from American history. When they started COINTELPRO, number one on that list was King. Number two on that list was a white man by the name of Glenn E. Smiley. Glenn E. Smiley studied Gandhian ideals. He’s who’s credited for teaching King peaceful protest. And so it’s like a weird thing where it’s like, why don’t we know who Glenn E. Smiley is? Why don’t white people know who Glenn E. Smiley is? Well, our government didn’t want them to know that there was a big, white ally character doing all of that. But Gandhi also… Gandhi was a racist! He hated black people. But still, there’s great things. You have to be able to see through that. Like you said, critical thinking. They don’t want us to critically think. That’s why we don’t get history.

Mossy: How did you hear about Glenn E. Smiley?

WW: Well, because I realized that before the last civil rights movement, a few interesting things happened. The Depression happened, then the New Deal happened, and even if there still was just a giant wage disparity, you could still get a job. People had jobs. You had educated black people who went to school for things like Civics. And we don’t have that now because they worked real hard to make sure we didn’t have that again, because they didn’t want a Black Messiah. And so, I realized, that we’re not prepared. I don’t think our generation is prepared for the civil rights movement, so I just think we should all be researching. I think we should be figuring out what the fight has been thus far. If we know what the fight has been, then we don’t have to keep fighting the same fight. We can say, “No! You said this fight was over for this, this, and this. And now we’re picking up the fight here.” We don’t need to try and redo everything that already happened. It already happened. And there’s been legislation that passed. We gotta put that legislation back in place. So yeah, I just started researching and I just found Glenn E. Smiley on Wikipedia.

Mossy: Yeah, Wikipedia and Snopes are your friends. You mentioned Fred Hampton before. He was shot in his sleep, and now we’re seeing that again just this year with Breanna Taylor. It’s like you said, we keep fighting over the same things. What do you think is the first thing people could do to take a step towards not being racist?

WW: I think it’s not just a first step, I think it’s every step. You have to ask “why?” We have all the options to learn the information. Black people didn’t create race. White people created race. Which is the weirdest thing. When I go down the rabbit hole, what I always get stuck on is, I don’t know why people are afraid. I think that there’s implicit bias towards a situation. I think true change is going to start with the individual dealing with that bias. I deal with my bias. I just retook all the Harvard bias exams. And I got that I had a strong bias towards trans people. And it’s something I talk about pretty publicly.

Because I don’t wanna hear stories about racists. I wanna hear stories about reformed racists. So I talk about how I took the Harvard bias exams recently, and I got a strong bias towards trans. And immediately my question was why? Why do I have that? I started to go down the rabbit hole, and I found out why. It’s because I’m a racist. Because I’m pissed off with white people all the time, and when I think about somebody being stuck in a body they don’t feel is theirs, who can afford to change that…it’s not people who look like me, for the most part. And that’s where that bias comes from. So now I have to go back and challenge the other bias it comes from. And I make the steps to become better every day, because I can ask why. I can critically assess that. I think the hardest thing to do is to challenge yourself. It’s easy to say, “Fuck the world, the world is racist.” It is hard to say, “Man, I just crossed the street to get away from that black person. Why did I do that?” So the question, I think, if you wanna fix racism is, “Why are you afraid?” And a lot of people don’t even know they’re afraid, so they are not even there, you know? For a lot of people, it’s like, “Why did I act that way?” first. And then they can say, “Because I was afraid.” And then you can start to dive into why. Just gotta ask why. Actually, I don’t think fixing racism is very hard. (Laughs)

Mossy: I know!

WW: Just be nice! I don’ t know. (Laughs)

Mossy: Or just have a conversation with someone who’s not like you, and find that they’re just a person like anyone else. So do you have any trans friends?

WW: Oh yeah. I’m pretty deep in the activist community here. And that’s the thing. I have friends who took the Harvard bias exams, and found they have a strong bias towards black men. And they’re some of my best friends. And they’re goin’ through asking “why?” Because they didn’t know that. I don’t think that having a bias is necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a step. It’s knowledge, it’s history. And as soon as you can understand that that exists, then you can start to address it. I’m pretty immersed in the scene, which is nice. And it’s funny, because I’ve talked to my trans friends about it, and I’m like, “Yeah, I realize where I get frustrated. It’s the race aspect of this.” And they understand where I’m coming from. They’re not stoked, obviously, about what I’m saying. They’re like, “Well this is still bigoted.” And I’m like, “Yes I know.” (Laughs) “I’m trying to deal with it.”

Mossy: That’s an amazing thing to be able to openly talk to people about a bias, but not have it end in some screaming fight. It’s realizing that this is a reality, and I’m not gonna deny what it is, and let’s talk about it and do something about it. It’s like any emotion you have. If you ignore it, it gets worse. When you address it, and give it the attention it needs, it subsides.

WW: Right. And as a teacher, I’m never gonna go up to a student and say, “You did that wrong.” What I’m going to say to the student is, “Maybe we could do this a different way.” And I think it’s easier for me to say, “We are bigoted. And this is where my bigotry lies.” Because then it doesn’t feel like I’m just gettin’ down on people. Even though, a lot of times I say, “We are bigoted,” and what people hear is, “I am bigoted.” And then they get mad. They get defensive, because they feel attacked. But I know I need to deal with all of these biases. Biases towards women, biases toward blacks. When I first took the Harvard bias exam, I got a strong bias towards black men. And so, yeah, we have to know that we have these things that have been indoctrinated into our cultures and, let’s fix it.

Mossy: I know that, as a woman, I’ve been indoctrinated to believe women are weaker and lesser than. So I’ve experienced a weird form of misogyny towards myself or other women, which sort of manifests as shame over what I am. One of my black friends told me one time that he finds black people to be more racist than white people. Which…I mean, I don’t know about that! But when you’re told your whole life that you’re less than, you start to believe it.

WW: Yeah, I have a lot of white friends here. I mean, I’m in Denver. I got a lot of white friends. And it’s something that comes up. I think for a lot of America, that’s part of the divisiveness that has been the control of our country. I did kind of grow up in rough conditions. I mean, I saw my first body when I was twelve years old. If you didn’t grow up immersed in that culture, and you never took the option to seek it out, because you don’t know to do that, then you don’t know. I took my first trip to New Orleans, and I remember getting there and being like, “What the hell is happening?” It was a different experience. It felt like I fit in. I’m, like, not a standard human being anywhere in the world. I go everywhere and I am fetishized and people are like, ”Why do you look so weird?” “Is that a man in a skirt?” I am a straight, cis man. I just don’t think clothes have gender. But in New Orleans, I fit in. And I realized that I had never taken the opportunity to seek out a community like New Orleans. I never thought that seeking out communities like that was an option for me, until I was touring. And so then, after I got some world experience and some perspective, I came back to Denver, and I started doing a better job of cultivating, and seeking that out.

Photo: jameson_us via Drew Botcherby

Mossy: One thing I think that’s been lost, is the art of debate. People will get on social media, and make their snarky comments, or they’ll just post a meme. But there’s no debate. I think being able to debate is something that’s really important. You seem really good at that. What do you think are some of the keys to healthy debate? So that conversations can be an intellectual exercise, rather than some sort of ego maniacal, verbal sparring that gets nowhere and upsets everybody.

WW: I ask “Why?” You know, I think black people are tired. I’ve been holding forums here in Denver. I’ll hit up a bunch of cats, we’ll go to the park, or some of the bars that are open here again. So we’ll go and get the big patio, and we have our own table. And all the beatniks used to hang out at this bar in Denver. “On the Road” was written at this bar. It has a good vibe there, where I know this shit was happening here before. And we sit and we just talk. And I think the big thing is, as your talkin’ to somebody, you know, nobody can tell me what my experience has been like as a black man, except for myself. I think the big thing is you just have to be able to trust that people have had an experience that you can understand. The name of the game is intersection. You have to be able to kind of try and figure out how to understand the emotion that came when this person had this experience.

And as far as online, I don’t think anything’s going to get solved online. I think that the online presence is dopamine addiction. It’s click bait. My black problems are not your click bait. I have seen people who I know from Denver posting beach selfies, and the hashtag is “Black Lives Matter.” What is that about? I don’t think that me engaging that situation online is going to fix anything. I think me trying to invite people like that to a forum of free thinking people, who are trying to just get to the root, might help fix that. We’re gonna talk about the history. We’re gonna try and spread information. When they’re there in that situation, they get held accountable. Because you’re looking somebody in the face. If you’re on the phone, and you don’t like what somebody says, you say “Fuck you,” and you shut off your phone. It’s easy to get away from. If you can’t get away from it, it’s different. It’s the same thing as those people saying, “Black people need to do this, black people need to do that,” but they have never in their lives met a black person. Cus they’re all the way out in, who knows where. Even this hood. You got all these people living out in Cherry Creek, and they don’t know that, before it was a part of Denver, this was the black hood. And then the KKK came in. Maybe it’s changed now, but for a long time, we had the most Klan members per capita in the United States. The grand master used to live in Colorado. Our streets are named after these cats.

Mossy: Is that changing?

WW: Well one of the neighborhoods, it looks like, is going to change. (Laughs)

Mossy: Just one?

WW: Because people don’t have the information. And Denver’s become such a hub too, so there’s so many new people here. And they just don’t know. They don’t know that the street they drive down every day across town, is named after a Klan member. They don’t know that the statue that just got toppled in front of our capital, was the dude who committed the Sand Creek massacre. People just don’t know. So, I think that’s our job. That’s why I encourage people to research. People need to be informed, so that they can understand the “why” of who they are.

Mossy: I think it’s the values of those in power that is most concerning, because they’re so separate from what the values of the majority are. We value health, community, and sustainability over acquiring and hoarding. We all have to want what they have in order to give it value. If we all just said that it was kind of gross and lame to have fifty billion dollars while people are starving in the street, their whole system would fall to the ground. Do you think some of our political leaders are getting scared because the people are getting wise to their dangerous and exploitative value systems?

WW: Yeah, this came up at one of the forums recently. Minority or oppressed communities thrive because of culture. They thrive because they’re a community. But on the other side, when you think about the white male leader, he thrives in comfort. I’ve never in my life had my black buddy pull up to my house and be like, “Look, I got the nicest car on the block.” He might come up and be like, “Yo, you wanna see my car? Let’s go for a ride.” But he’s not gonna be like, “I have the nicest car, I have the nicest house.” But that is what we have taught white men that they have to be. And I think that’s what we taught white culture in a big way. And unfortunately then, we’ve taught black people that their worth lies in being recognized in white culture. So now they’re trying to do it on top of it. I think that the most dangerous thing for our world is to have an individual. They don’t want us to have individuals, so they got us all into the idea of this American Dream. It’s not the American Dream, it’s a rich white man’s dream.

Mossy: It’s true. And now, like you say, that has become the new measure for equality. Equality shouldn’t mean that a woman or a black person or an immigrant has as much stuff as their white rich neighbor. To me, it means that they have the freedom to live their lives within the value systems that are important to them. If that means that they work four hours a day, so they can spend the rest of the day with their families or serving their communities or creating, then that’s their business. But now, you see black people or women who claim to have equal rights, because they have the same job or lifestyle as a white man. But they’re just basically dressing and acting like a white man.

Equality is not to be measured by how evenly your life compares to a white man’s, and his acquisitions. It’s about living the life you want to live, whatever that looks like. And not having to struggle to do that.

WW: I was watching that dude Michael Che from Saturday Night Live. And he’s like, “You know what’s weird. Black people didn’t ask for anything extra. Like, the gay community went out and said, ‘We want equal rights.’ Our rights movement was the civil rights movement. We just want ya’ll to be civil!”

Mossy: What do these forums you hold look like? How many people are there? What’s the age, gender, race demographic? How often do you all meet? I would love to know the logistics so I could try to do the same.

WW: Yeah, that’s really my goal, is to encourage other people to start doing the same. I mean, I don’t have the time to fix racism. (Laughs) I think James Baldwin nailed it. All those cats said the exact same thing, “Look, we already tried to fix racism. You guys fix it.” We don’t know how to fix it. We’re not thinking about you any differently because the color of your skin, we’re thinking about you differently because of how you’re treating us. I mean, I teach at alternative high schools, so I have had one white student in four years of teaching now. So it’s easier for me to teach kids like that because I look kind of like them. They can hear me a little easier. If you went to that same school, they’d be like, “What’re you doing?” They wouldn’t be able to release themselves enough. So I was like, we gotta start forums so people can let their flags fly, so we can kind of start to address it.

Otherwise, we’re in a dangerous situation. We need to get to a place where people can start to call out their peers. For example, when all the protests started down here, one of the biggest struggles I’ve had is with white women. And liberal white women! I’m lucky I got some good white friends. Cus those cats…we all share our location. If I go downtown for the protests right now, they will be there within fifteen minutes. They will get out of work, they will show up, cus they know I’m down there. So we’re downtown with one of my black friends, and by this point, legislation had been passed in Denver so the cops weren’t being violent in the same way. Now Aurora’s about get to lit on fire. But, Denver had chilled out. And this lady is on the Black Lives Matter side, and she’s screaming at these cops, “You have a tiny dick!” “Your job doesn’t matter!” “Your wife’s gonna leave you!” And all this stuff! I mean, I have a big mouth, but I’m kind. (Laughs)

Mossy: And this was a white woman who was saying this?

WW: Yeah. Holding a “Black Lives Matter” sign. And I walk over to her and say, “Ma’am, could I talk to you?” And she says, “Oh sure!” Immediately so nice with me, ya know? And I said, “Hey, I just wanted to ask you if, maybe while I’m walking my buddy home, if you wouldn’t scream at the cops? But either way, maybe we shouldn’t be screaming at the cops. Because we’re just speaking their language. We’re just feeding into the same system, you know?” She called me an Uncle Tom. So I gave her a joint and went, “Here ya go. Have a good night.” If you are holding a Black Lives Matter sign, and then you’re calling me an Uncle Tom, because I’m asking you to stop doing something that’s making me feel unsafe, what are you really doing down here? And I’ve had a lot of experiences like that. So my reaction was, I need the hip white women I know, to be callin’ out white women. Get your people. I’m gettin’ mine. I’m callin’ men out left and right. Unabashedly.

The one thing I’m really starting to work on, and I don’t know how to address yet, is black men. Because, look, me and you, we are in an interesting place. We represent the side of the oppressors, and the side of the oppressed. And if that’s the case, that means we have to be really careful about what we’re saying to people, why we’re saying it to them, and when we’re saying it to them. I’ve seen some kind of whack things in these protests, where it’s just black men shutting women down left and right. And I don’t like that. I think unfortunately we kind of have to address it all at the same time. And I don’t think all of us can address everything, but that’s why we’re doing the forums. And they do always change. There’s a crew of about three or four of us who are always around.

Mossy: You’ve mentioned de-escalation. I think de-escalation is a good word. I do think things are being escalated, partly by the pandemic because people have been stuck in their houses and losing their jobs. There are so many factors at play here, and it’s creating a potentially dangerous situation if we don’t work harder at de-escalation. I think that can be accomplished with exactly what you’re doing. Meeting in small groups, not meeting en masse where cops are gonna come and do god knows what. This is how we can get one over on them. This is how we can intellectualize this revolution, instead of turning it into a civil war. Weapons are used when people aren’t thinking enough. This is a way of saying we’re gonna do something different. We’re gonna meet in small groups and talk about how we can get along, even though we’re all different and come from different places.

WW: I agree. I mean, there’s gonna be people who fight with the cops. But this isn’t even about the cops! That’s the weirdest thing to me.

Everybody’s like, stuck on the cops. This is so much bigger. But I think it all just starts with uniting our general public, the citizens. Because we’re all in the same place. Unfortunately, the only way that systemic oppression can work is, anybody who shares a quality with me, if you’re an artist, if you’re a teacher, if you’re black, if you’re a woman, if you’re poor…if you share any quality with black culture, you’re going to be oppressed. But maintain hope. And research. We got some time. This isn’t going away overnight.

Listen to Wes’s entire EP and other works at: https://cosmicslim.bandcamp.com/

Follow on IG @theweswatkins

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formerprincess · 6 years

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A tale written with fangs and claws || Chapter 9

Chapters: 9/? Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken Characters: Liam Dunbar, Theo Raeken Additional Tags: Alpha Liam Dunbar, Slow Build, Friends to Lovers, Dunbar Pack, Bisexual Liam Dunbar, Werewolf Theo Raeken, Alpha Theo Raeken Series: Part 1 of Morning Dew Pack

Liam thinks he needs to be stronger, wiser, a better Alpha. But does he?

Liam tilted his head back and let the water from the shower run over him. He had his eyes closed and listened to the sound of the rushing water. He was exhausted but he could not unwind. His thoughts were running a mile per hour and he replayed the encounter he had with Theo a few days ago over and over inside his head:

“Can I ask you something?” Liam asked and looked up from where he was cutting tomatoes for dinner. Theo sat at the kitchen counter, laptop in front of him, and typed his homework.

“How did you not notice the wolfsbane in your punch?”

Theo’s finger stilled mid-typing and he looked at the screen before he sighed and finally looked up, hands dropping on the keyboard. “I don’t know. I met with my study group and suddenly more and more people gathered and I was in the middle of the party when a girl from my study group handed me the cup with punch. It felt…normal. I was normal for one evening, you know, and I guess I decided to not look over my shoulder all the time and be not on alert for one night. I paid for it in the end, I know it was reckless.“

“You are twenty-one, you are allowed to be reckless.“

Because it was Liam's job to make sure his Betas could be reckless. It was his job to protect them and make sure they don‘t have to constantly worry and be as careless as they could be. Because the main weight should last on his shoulders. Looks like he failed at this and Theo had paid for Liam slacking off.

And since their talk, Liam had not been able to shake the thought. He stressed himself to be better, wiser, stronger, because he obviously wasn‘t a good Alpha. Theo almost died because of him. It caused Liam to stress and he spent almost his whole time either over his books or in the gym. When he wasn‘t doing one of those things, he tried to make his Betas‘ lives easier; by helping Maya with her control or organizing some things for her many protests, Theo with taking over when it was the chimera’s turn to go grocery shopping so he could focus on his assignments and classes or buying his favorite candy. He even tried helping Nolan, who had mentioned he wanted to move to Seattle, find a decent place. His Betas seemed happy but Liam still felt like it wasn‘t good enough, like he needed to do more to ensure they could live without worries. It took a lot of Liam’s own happiness, but he figured that was the price he had to pay in order for his pack to be safe. Welcome to Alphahood!

Liam sighed and bowed his head, both hands pressed against the shower wall and let the water wash over him. Maybe he took too much on his plate with taking over from Byron; maybe he wasn‘t as good of an Alpha as he thought he could be. Maybe all his fears and doubts were coming true and he was failing spectacularly. He sighed again and pushed himself off the wall, turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. He dried himself off and then wandered into his room where he got dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. He dried his hair with the towel and then left it hanging over his desk chair before crawling into bed and pulling the covers over his head. It wasn’t like he needed to socialize with anybody. Maya was busy with saving the rainforest and Theo…Theo was having a date.

He had actually agreed to go on a date with Maya’s friend an Liam officially hit rock bottom. Don‘t get him wrong, he was happy for Theo and he wished his friend somebody who understood him and made him happy and really knew how amazing Theo was, but he felt lonely. Which made him aware how selfish he was because since he was lonely didn’t mean Theo had to be too. Cue yet another wave of bad thoughts and you had a vicious circle. He felt like a bad friend, like a bad Alpha, and he hated himself for pitying himself.

So hiding under the covers may be childish but Liam needed it to turn the world off for a while. Not seeing anything, not hearing anything, just him under his covers. Alone with his thoughts. They were already mauling him late at night, fucking up his sleep schedule cause he could not turn them off, no matter how hard he tried. God, he was so pathetic!

Various beeping sounds from his laptop made him groan. He didn‘t want to talk to anybody right now! But his laptop continued beeping quite enthusiastically and Liam groaned once more before pulling the covers back and rolling out of bed. He tapped over to at least see who was video calling him and hesitated when he saw Byron‘s name on the screen. Every other would have gotten declined, even Mason right now, but something inside Liam made him unable to decline the call from the former Alpha. So he slipped into his desk chair and tried a smile before accepting the call.

“Hey, Byron.“ “Liam, how are you doing?“ Byron smiled warmly at the camera. Liam always got reminded of his grandfather when he saw Byron. His grandfather had died a few years ago, so the comparison was bittersweet but he had been just as gentle and wise as Byron. “College’s good.“ It really was. The hours he spent over his books were really paying off, one of the few positive things he got out oft he while self-doubt thing. “But something tells me you didn‘t call for small talk.“

Byron shook his head. His image may be a bit pixeled but even like this Liam saw the slight frown on his face. “I called because I wanted to know how you are doing. How life as an Alpha has been treating you. And from what I can see now, I would say you already reached the self-doubt stage.“ “The what stage?“ “Self-doubt. See, Liam, every Alpha before you went through the same stages after becoming the Alpha. And we all ended at the self-doubt stage sooner or later. Before you ask, the bags under your eyes give you away. Sleeping is hard when your thoughts run even wilder at night.“

Liam gulped. He had not expected that. “Oh.“ He said very eloquently. “Liam, how far have you come in reading the journal I gave you?“ “Not far. So much happened and I didn‘t find the time.“ “If you read it, you will see every Alpha has reached this stage and you will see how every Alpha dealt with it in their own way.“

The nineteen-year-old stayed silent for a moment, looking away from the screen. “How did you cope with it?“ He asked after a while and looked back at the camera. “By talking. Liam, tell your Betas what’s going on inside your head. An Alpha is much stronger if they accept their weaknesses and be open about it than an Alpha who acts like they are invincible. A pack is a partnership, let your Betas help you.“ “You mean like you do right now?“ “Am I helping you right now?“ Liam raised his shoulders in a helpless gesture. “I’m not sure anybody can help me right now. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Theo told me he didn’t notice the wolfsbane in his drink because he was too busy being normal and it almost killed him. If I had been a better Alpha he could have been normal and not almost die. It‘s my fault, you know?“ “Liam.“ Byron said gently and yet firmly. “The only way it would have been your fault would have been if you threw the flowers into the punch and made Theo drink it. Did you do that, Liam?“ “Of course not.“ “Then it is not your fault!“

The rational part of his brain knew that. But the protective part of himself and the part that cared deeply about the older said it was his fault anyway. Byron seemed to notice that Liam was still blaming himself. “Liam, where do your parents live?“ “Beacon Hills, why?“ “Do you think they are good parents?“ “Of course they are. They are the best.“ “But they aren't here with you. How can they be good parents if they are not around you?“ “Because I am my own person and I can look after myself to some extent. I have my own life and they have theirs.“ “And that’s the same case with your Betas. You cannot monitor all of us constantly. It would drive you insane. You need to protect when they need protection, when they asked for it, but cannot keep everything from them. They need to make their own experiences, need to make their own mistakes. I know you are worried, but that can’t keep you from letting them out of your sight every now and then and from you living your own life. If you don’t allow your Betas to go out and live their own lives, they will grow to hate you, believe me in this.“

Byron smiled sadly. “You are not a bad Alpha just because Theo almost died. You weren’t even there to begin with. But you worrying so much about your pack, to the extent of you stopping to enjoy your own life – and don‘t lie I see how pale you look – proofs how much of a good Alpha you are. Maybe too good because you need to stop being so hard on yourself. I know how much it shakes you up when the most important person in your life gets hurt but he’s okay now, Liam.“ “And what about them not having to worry? They deserve to be normal.“ “We all have to worry but tell you what, young Alpha, the older you get the more it becomes something you do without thinking about it. A look into your cup, a glance over your shoulder, it becomes natural and the fear which you feel so prominent right now fades away. There is a difference between being scared and being cautious, you will learn this over time.“

He poked the camera. “And you, son, need to lighten up. I like the smiley Liam way more than the brooding one, we all do. If I tell Valentina you’re not happy, she will send you a big care package full of pie and other baked goods and Bernie will probably send you a video with the funniest pictures he can find. All to make you laugh again. And my dear wife will probably drive to you just so she can hug you.“ Liam had to chuckle at that. “It’s hard to smile when you think you’re a failure.“ Byron‘s look turned solemn. “You are not a failure, Liam. Far from it. You’re just at the beginning of a very intense but also eventful journey. And you are about to become one of the best Alphas this pack ever had.“ It filled Liam’s heart with warmth to hear that and he smiled softly. “Really?“ “Given how most Alphas have their breakdown way later, yeah.“

It was for the first time in weeks that Liam laughed loudly. He could not help himself. “So what now, Byron? What should I do?“ “Talk to your Betas. The two close to you. Tell them everything and then figure a way to feel better. To cope with the stress. You already have enough on your shoulders, don’t add more to it. Let them help carry the weight. It’s what they here for. Not just to take orders.“ Liam sighed. “They are both busy. Maya does god knows what and Theo has a date.“ “A date?“ “Yeah. You know, a meeting between two persons who intend to maybe have a romantic relationship with each other afterward.“ “I know what a date is. I’m just confused why you are here and he’s not. I wasn‘t aware he had eyes for somebody else than you.” “Theo and I aren’t in a relationship!“ “Yet.“ “What?“ “Nothing, nothing.“ Byron hurried to say but he smirked and Liam sighed. Why was everybody thinking like that about him and Theo? He would not risk their friendship for a little bit of fun. Theo didn’t saw him like that.

“Call them later but you should call them and have the talk with them. You deserve to feel good too, Liam.“ Byron told him now and he nodded. “Thank you, Byron.“ “Anytime, young Alpha.“ He smiled at the camera and Liam returned the smile.

****** Liam stepped into the campus café and looked at the crowd gathered there. He spotted Maya and surprisingly Theo too in a booth and after he had given up and received his order, he made a beeline for them and slipped next to Theo. “Hey.“ He greeted.

“Hey.“ Maya smiled at him and Theo turned his head to smile too but then frowned at Liam‘s choice of drink. Instead of his usual coffee, Liam had ordered himself a hot chocolate. He was already sleeping badly enough, he didn’t need more caffeine to keep him awake. “Why are you here? What about your date?“ Liam ignored Theo’s frown. “She was nice but we decided there is nothing between us. We can talk about a lot of things but we are completely platonic.“ Theo replied with a shrug. “Hot chocolate, really?“ “Leave my drink alone!“ Liam mumbled and stirred his drink. He could not lie, he wasn’t too sad about Theo not falling in love with the girl. Single Theo was Liam‘s favorite Theo, to be honest. “But you’re okay after your date? No hard feelings?“ “Hell no. Like I said, she was nice, there simply wasn’t a spark. I’m okay.“ “You, Maya? You’re okay too?“ “I’m fine, really.“ She confirmed and then slightly narrowed her brown eyes. “What about you, Liam?“

Liam still stirred his hot chocolate but then he looked up. “I’m not.“ He confessed and it really felt better to just admit than try to hide it. Maya looked stunned he just confessed like that and Theo immediately snapped to attention. “Why? What happened? Are you hurt?” “I’m not hurt.” Liam began and looked at Theo. “And what happened. You almost died. That’s what happened.” Theo looked surprised at this. “That was weeks ago.” He finally said. “Yeah and remember the talk we had? About why you didn’t notice the wolfsbane? You said you wanted to be normal and well, it got me thinking that you suffered because I didn’t protect you enough. That I wasn’t a good Alpha and almost lost you because I slacked off. So I need to get wiser, stronger, better.” “That’s why you suddenly spent so much time in the library or the gym. Oh, Liam.” Maya said sympathetically.

Theo stared at Liam, mouth agape, and then he raised his hand in a Hold up gesture. “How did you make the connection with me almost dying because I got poisoned by you not being a good Alpha? That’s so far off.” “Is it? I didn’t keep you from drinking it.” “You weren’t even there! But you came when I called you. You followed the feeling something wasn’t right. That’s what makes a good Alpha.” “I don’t want you to stop being normal and constantly worry. That’s my job.” “I am not normal!” Theo cut in. “Neither of us is.” “Okay, I want you to feel normal.” “I do feel normal. When I’m around you guys, around my friends.We all are not normal but that’s what makes us normal.”

“Theo’s right, Liam. We can never be normal but as long as we are together that doesn’t matter. And we all have to be a bit cautious but you are a great Alpha. Look what you already did: You helped me free my wolf and you work with me on accepting it more and more every day. I would have not survived the next full moon without you.” Maya smiled warmly at him and reached over to squeeze his arm. Liam sipped his chocolate. “I know.” He said. “It’s just, I worry about you and I want you to be happy.” “We are happy, Liam, but only if you are happy too. And you’re not, right? You don’t look happy.” Maya was indeed a good observer.

Liam continued sipping his hot chocolate and groaned. He put his mug down and rubbed his eyes. “No. I put myself under so much pressure and today Byron called and told me to talk to you and confess what’s going on. Because I can’t go on like this. I’m sorry if that makes me pathetic.” “It doesn’t. Stop making yourself look small.” Theo muttered. “You have a heart of gold and that’s what makes you care so much. Too much sometimes, that has always been the case.” Theo said and smiled softly, arm winding around Liam’s shoulder to pull him against his body. “But you tend to care so much, you put your own needs behind to the point it doesn’t work anymore. Alpha or not, you’re still human, Liam. You need to take care of you.”

“You sound like Byron.” Liam muttered, not really being mad. “And you should listen to us. We’re older and wiser.“ Liam snorted into his hot chocolate. “Byron’s wise, yeah. But you? Nah, not so sure about that one.“ Theo made an offended sound and Liam grinned. The door opened and a new group of guests stepped in and thus the noise increased to the point where it actually became a nuisance. Liam grimaced and got to his feet. “Let’s go somewhere else.“

Maya got up too but then stepped forward and hugged Liam. He made a surprised sound but then he returned the hug with a smile. “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, Alpha.“ She muttered. “If you think I will take part in this, you’re sorely mistaken. I don‘t do group hugs.“ Theo sarcastically muttered when he also got to his feet but Maya grabbed him by his jacket and resolutely pulled him into their little hug. Theo huffed. “Okay, fine, but that’s the only time!“ He clinched and then wrapped his arms around Maya and Liam who in turn both wrapped one arm around him too. And Liam felt already better than the last few weeks. Talking with his Betas and telling him about his troubles had been the right decision and exactly what he needed, Byron had been right.

****** Liam had just put a batch of cupcakes into the oven when the door to their apartment opened and Theo and Maya stepped in. Both stopped dead in their tracks and stared at what had once been the kitchen and was now littered with several baked goods and baking utensils. The young Alpha looked up and smiled at his Betas. “Hey.“ “No.“ Theo replied. “What‘s going on? I thought you felt better after the talk we had.“ “What‘s the matter?“ Maya asked, seemingly more surprised about Theo’s reaction than the fact Liam turned the kitchen into a bakery. “He bakes.“ Theo hissed. “Liam is a stress baker. He only does it when something’s bothering him and he has tried everything else and failed.“ “Well, that’s not true. I rarely bake but I don’t just do it when I’m stressed. I was just bored, watched The Food Network and got in the mood to bake. I’m still a bit stressed, yeah, but the talk with you helped.“

“Anyway, there’s pie and cookies and cupcakes.“ Maya rejoiced and made herself some space on one oft he counters before jumping on it. “Can I try?“ She asked and when Liam nodded, she grabbed herself a blueberry cupcake and bit into it. “Oh my god, those are amazing. Liam, I wasn‘t aware you were that good at baking!“ Liam blushed and rubbed his cheek. “I’m decent. Sometimes I like to do it, that’s it. But glad you like it.“ “You now have flour on your face.“ Theo remarked and grabbed the kitchen towel to softly clean Liam‘s cheek. Maya was still happily wolfing down her cupcake.

“Seriously, Liam, can I marry you? You would be my perfect partner.“ Liam smirked. “Okay. I want a September wedding.“ “Oh, I’d love that. Just a small wedding, just closest friends and family.“ “And no church but maybe getting married in a barn or a garden.“ “Wow, Liam, didn’t pick you for such a romantic guy. I’m game!“ Theo looked at them. “This is not even remotely funny.“ He scoffed. Maya glanced over. “Jealous?“ She asked cheekily and Theo growled at her. She simply chuckled and stuck out her tongue at him. He growled again and Liam nudged him. “Be nice to my future wife.“ He joked and Theo rolled his eyes. “Stop talking about your wedding!“

He opened his bag and pulled out a large envelope. “This was in the mail for you by the way.“ He told Liam and put the brown thing on the counter. Liam looked at the envelope, then at his hands. “Be right back.“ He said and walked towards the bathroom to properly wash his hands. While he was gone, Maya nudged Theo. “You know, if you really don’t want me or anybody else marrying him, you should make the first move.“ “I have no idea what you‘re talking about.“ Theo muttered stubbornly and bit into a chocolate chip cookie.

Liam came back and then grabbed the envelope. The paper was brown but there were colorful forms drawn on it. “It’s from Byron.“ He said and carefully opened the letter. The envelope was too pretty to rip it apart. Upon opening, a letter and something wrapped inside several layers of paper fell out. Liam took the letter, unfolded it and started to read.

Dear Liam,

don‘t be so hard on yourself, young Alpha. You’re just starting your life as Alpha, you don‘t have to be perfect. You will never be perfect, none of us were. But if your Betas are loyal to you and if your Betas say you are a good Alpha, then you’re doing a great job. And just because you don’t have the answers now, doesn’t mean you will never have them. A few years down the road, I can promise you, you will see things differently because you learned new things and things changed and you have a whole new outlook on life. Read this letter again then, think about how you felt now, you will see the little breakdown was an important lesson.

Liam, I am not going to lie: Being an Alpha isn’t easy. You already learned this and there will be even more challenges coming your way. But your heart is good and that’s an almost hundred percent guarantee you will make good decisions. Will they always be right? No. Will everybody always understand why you decided the way you did? No. But as long as you can look your reflection in the eye, that’s all that’s matters. Your pack is strong and we here are all very proud of you. And the Betas you have with you are proud of you too, I know that for a fact. Maya, even though I never met her, seems like the perfect addition to you and Theo. You helped her with her wolf, you’re still helping her, and that’s what bonds Alpha and Beta. And Theo? It takes only one look to see how loyal he really is to you and how proud of you he is. Your first Beta would walk through the fire for you and I know you know that, Liam. Me? You know I don‘t have children on my own and I know we are not related but I always wanted a son or grandson like you. I am proud of what you already achieved and I can’t wait to see what you will achieve in the years of your Alpha reign. I want to give you something I got from my Alpha when I took over. It should remind you of how proud you can be of what you are, who you are, and what you already accomplished. It‘s up to you what you do with it. Keep it to yourself or gift it to a Beta who you think could use a little reminder too.

I want to finish by saying again: You don‘t have to be perfect. You just have to be there. And that‘s what you‘re currently doing, so keep on doing it. You’re doing well, son.

You can always call, even late at night, when you are in need of guidance. Lana sends her regards too, as well as Shana and the rest. Bernie wants to know if Theo is still interested in wood carving.

Best wishes

Byron

P.S.: I may be a bit too old to be your dad, but I know you had a great relationship with your grandfather until he died and you miss him dearly. I don’t want to replace him, but you can call me Gramps anytime.

Theo stepped closer to him and gently stroke over Liam‘s back. “You okay?“ He asked softly and Liam raised his head and nodded. “Are you still interested in wood carving? Byron asks for Bernie.“ He then asked and Theo chuckled. “Yeah, sure. Why not?“ He tilted his head. “Everything else okay?“ Liam handed him the letter before he carefully unwrapped what Byron had sent with his letter. Once he was done, a small wooden figure of a wolf appeared. The dark brown wood had been polished to shine and Liam loved it from the very first moment. It felt warm in his hands and he turned it to inspect it from every angle. It was clearly handmade and he would hold it dear. “That’s pretty.“ Maya said in adoration.

Theo had finished reading and kissed Liam’s cheek. “He’s right. I would do that for you, Lee.“ “I know you would.“ Liam said and held the little wolf up. “Look what he gave me. Isn’t this the coolest thing ever?“ “It is pretty cool.“ Theo confirmed with a smile.

****** “Were you serious about what you said to Maya?“ Liam and Theo were lounging on the couch in the living room, Theo was watching TV, Liam was reading the Alpha’s journal when Theo’s thoughtful voice sounded up. Liam looked up and frowned. “Serious about what?“ “When you joked about your wedding. I get you were joking but when you said you wanted a September wedding. Was that serious? And getting married in a barn or garden?“ Liam had actually never considered this before. It had been a joke back then, so now he shrugged. “I think when I’m getting married to the love of my life I wouldn’t care about the month. And yes, I don‘t want to get married in a church because I’m not that much of a Christ but it doesn‘t have to be a barn either.“ “But you want to get married?“ “To the right person, yeah.“ Liam watched Theo. “Don‘t you want to get married one day?“ Theo huffed out a laugh. “Since I don’t think any person wants to spend the rest of their life with me, no.“ “Hey, don‘t say that. One day you will find the right person.“ “Liam, I am terrible to be with. And also terrible on my own.“ “Well, then you find another person who is just as terrible. Who is willing to spend the rest of their life with you. I mean, you got me to live with you. That’s an accomplishment, right?“ “Nobody is more terrible than you.“ Theo retorted dryly. “Aw, was that a declaration of love Theo Raeken style?“ Liam teased. Theo shoved him off the couch for that. “Asshole!“ Liam muttered but stayed on the floor, leaned against the couch and continued reading.

****** Liam laid in bed and watched the moonlight dancing over the wooden wolf on his nightstand. He still loved the little figure and watching it was nice but it didn‘t change the fact that he was wide awake in the middle of the night and he didn‘t know why. He had reduced his stress level again, yet he still felt responsible but he knew his Betas could look after their own, so he saw no reason for him to lie awake at night. But he did and after a while, he sighed and got up.

He wandered into the kitchen where he met his roommate sitting on the kitchen counter, a big pot of stracciatella ice cream in hand and eating it. He looked up when Liam entered. “Trouble sleeping?“ Liam nodded. “Yeah, and I have no idea why.“ He grabbed himself a spoon and hopped next to Theo on the counter to dig his spoon into the ice cream too and taste it too. “What about you?“ He asked around the mouthful of ice cream. “You know my fucked up sleep schedule. Ice cream doesn’t help at all but it’s tasty.“ Theo grinned and dug his spoon into the ice cream again too. The two friends sat for a while and shared the frozen good until Liam spoke up again:

“When we were little, Mason and I used to create new dished in the kitchen. Once we made Rice Krispies with chocolate flakes or pancakes with gummy bears. Not everything was delicious but for two kids it was amazing. And the Rice Krispies were actually tasty. It’s something Mason always requires when he gets sick. Childhood memories and such. Makes him feel better.“ “I don‘t see why, it really doesn’t sound that delicious.“ Theo mumbled and Liam rammed his elbow into the chimera’s side. Theo gasped and glared at Liam who grinned innocently. “Your death glare lost its heat years ago.“ He told the older and Theo scoffed. “I can still tickle you.“ “Don‘t you even dare, Theodore!“ “That doesn’t work on me, Liam…Dunbar! I hate that you don‘t have a middle name!“

Liam smirked. “I’m sure you will think of something else to call me.“ “Right, puppy.“ “See? I knew it.“ He nudged his knee against Theo’s. “Want to play video games, since we’re both awake?“ “Sure. Sleep is for the weak.“

****** Liam woke up because he heard the faint sound of his alarm clock. He groaned and then he heard a car honking and he was even more awake now. He blinked and looked around. That wasn’t his room by any means and the more he got awake, the more he realized he was indeed lying on the couch in their living room. The TV was still on, portraying the menu of the last game they played. Obviously, they had fallen asleep somewhere between ending a round and wanting to start a new one. And when he looked for Theo, he found the older man right behind him, still asleep, and one arm tossed over Liam‘s waist. They had ended spooning on the couch, otherwise, one (Liam since he was laying on the edge) would have fallen off. Liam had to admit to himself, it was nice waking up in Theo‘s arms like this. “Theo, we have to get up.“ He mumbled and gently shook Theo’s shoulder. “Time to go to our classes.“

Theo groaned and hid his face in the couch pillow which looked awfully adorable in the early morning light. Liam smiled and stroke through Theo’s hair. “Don‘t pet me.“ The chimera muttered and Liam chuckled. “And you say I’m the puppy. You look like a little sleepy puppy right now, T.“ “I do not.“ Theo mumbled and opened his eyes. He tried to glare at Liam but he was still too sleepy for that to really have an effect. So Liam stroke through his hair one more time and then got up to trot into the shower.

Maybe staying up for several hours and playing video games had not been the best idea but not it was too late for that epiphany. So he showered colder than usual, got dressed and then brushed past Theo who walked into the bathroom, to make coffee in the kitchen. Extra strong for both of them and Theo gratefully accepted the cup when he was finally ready and walked into the kitchen too. Quietly they sipped their coffee and had breakfast before it was time to walk to their classes.

****** Liam stifled a yawn when he walked down the stairs in the main building. It was after his last class of the day, he was free to do whatever he pleased. Nice that it was Friday today. He loved Fridays.

An angry hiss down the corridor made him look up and he spotted one of the teachers and a blonde girl in front of her arguing. Thanks to his enhanced senses he didn’t need to get closer to hear what was going on. “You can’t give me a bad grade on this! It’s not fair!” The student complained. “You didn’t fulfill the assignment! What am I supposed to do? I can’t give you a good grade because you worked hard!” The teacher replied coldly. “You just don’t like me, that’s it! Come on, don’t do this to me!” “Your essay was off topic, that’s how the grade happened.” The teacher left her standing there and she crumbled her essay in her hand. “I worked my ass off for this and you’re giving me a bad grade! If my GPA is ruined, it’s your fault!” She yelled at the teacher and suddenly Liam had a flashback from years before:

“Dunbar, that’s it, I’m benching you!” “You can’t bench me, I’m your best player!” “Not if you are that aggressive and fly off the handle at any given opportunity. I’m sorry, Liam, you don’t take part in the next game!” “You will regret this, you hear me! We will lose the game and it will be your fault. IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!!!”

Liam shook his head to get rid of the unwanted memory. He focused on the girl instead who was still fuming and now spun around to storm down the hallway. When she brushed past him, Liam took hold of her arm. “Hey, do you need help?” She yanked her arm free. “Don’t touch me! I don’t need help!” She hissed and then stormed further down the hallway. Liam stared after her, mouth agape. Her chemosignals were basically blinking with rage. That girl was furious.

“Hey, do you know who that was?” He asked a girl passing by. She looked in the direction the blonde had stormed off. “I think her name is Sandra or Sally...Sadie. Her name is Sadie.” “Sadie O’Mara.” Another girl passing by supplied and Liam nodded. “Okay, thanks.” He said.

****** Liam had almost forgotten about his encounter with her and just continued to live his life. It was after lacrosse practice and he had taken his time to shower and then get dressed again. Now he left the locker room, ready to just go home, eat something and curl up on the couch or in bed and continue to read a bit in the Alpha journal.

It was one of the rare occasions he had arrived at the campus by car. It had rained cats and dogs today and Theo had insisted Liam took his truck. Theo himself had no classes today and focused on his assignments, so he stayed home. Liam was the only other person Theo let drive his truck and Liam liked that Theo trusted him with his most precious property.

So he left the building and was making his way towards the parked truck when she suddenly stepped into his path. “You!” She said with venom and her green eyes blazed with anger. Liam stopped, raised an eyebrow and looked at her.

“Uhm, hey?”

She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, chin lightly raised in challenge. Liam took in her appearance. Straight white-blond hair, green eyes, and pale skin. Even Liam, who had no fashionable sense (according to Mason and Lydia), saw that her makeup was on point without being too much. Her red-painted lips were pulled in a slight frown and she tapped her perfectly manicured fingers against her arm. She was dressed in a creamy jumper with a wine-red scarf, a black skirt, and black ankle boots. She looked innocent and like a clotheshorse but again her chemosignals were basically waving warning labels.

“I know you asked about my name.” She stated, even though it sounded more like an accusation. Liam shrugged. “Yeah, so? I just wanted to know how you’re called. Is that a crime?” “I don’t like people spying on me!” “Excuse me? I didn’t spy on you, I was just curious.” Liam defended himself. “What is your problem?” “My problem is that I don’t need your help. I am fine, I don’t need people looking after me or asking about me. I don’t need any of this!” Her tone was sharp but Liam was more focused on her body language. She was tensed, ready to jump anyone coming too close to her, ready to lash out...

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just thought that maybe you could use some help. I am sorry if that made you feel spied on.” “I don’t need pity! I am fine!” Liam narrowed his eyes. “Are you? Fine, I mean. Because you sought me out to yell in my face that you are fine. You don’t need help, you say. And yet here you are, coming to me to tell me all of this. To me, that sounds like the complete opposite. Like you need help and you want somebody to notice it.” He simply told her. She glared at him. “You know nothing about me!”

Liam set his jaw and looked at her, blue eyes locking with hers. “Right but I know what living with IED is like.” Because he knew the behavior patterns, he recognized her reactions. And it seemed like he hit home because she looked taken aback for a moment. “I don’t have ─...” “Oh yeah? Your scent is a dead giveaway. You suffer from IED and you don’t take your meds, am I right?” She tore her eyes away and raised her shoulders in defense. “I can’t take them. They don’t have an effect on me.” She said and when she glanced back at Liam her eyes flashed gold. So his nose had been right, it had been the scent of the wolf coming from her. Liam just nodded slowly and then flashed his own eyes red. Her eyes went wide. “You are an Alpha?” “Could you say this without sounding so surprised?” She pursed her lips. “I could but I won’t.”

The two wolfs started circling each other, never taking their eyes off their opponent. “I’m not going to join your pack, so don’t even try to recruit me.” Sadie snarled. “I don’t want to recruit you. We’re fine as we are.” “So what do you want? Alphas always want something.” “Not this Alpha. And again, you came to me.” Liam retorted. It had started raining again and they were still assessing each other. “Just wanted to make sure you know not to mess with me.” Sadie finally summed it up. “Duly noted. Don’t mess with me either.” Liam replied firmly. She nodded curtly and then turned around to rush away. Only for the strap of her purse to rip and everything falling out and onto the floor.

And Liam should get into his car and drive away. But he could not let her crouch there and gather her belongings in the pouring rain without assisting. So he sighed, threw his bag in the truck bed and then walked over to crouch next to her and help her.

“You don’t have to do this!” “I know and yet here I am. Because I can actually be a nice guy. Even to sassy blonde werewolves who have big mouths.” Sadie chuckled at that and bit her lip, stroking a wet strand of hair out of her face. “Look, maybe we started on the wrong foot. Let’s try again.” He held out his hand. “Hey, I’m Liam, nice to meet you.” She looked at his hand as if it was a trap and then back at his face. She seemed unsure and Liam sighed. “I promise, I won’t try any funny business.” She still hesitated but then she shook his hand. “I am Sadie.” She introduced herself. Liam smiled and helped her gather the rest of her things.

“Want to sit in the truck? It’s dry there and we can wait for the downpour to end.” She nodded softly but then pointed a finger at him. “One wrong move and I will kick your ass so bad even your ancestors will feel it. Alpha or not.”

He laughed. “Fair enough.” He said and unlocked the car. They slipped inside, Liam in the driver seat and Sadie in the passenger seat and she looked around. “This is not your truck. I smell somebody else here.” “It’s my friend’s car. I just borrowed it for today.” “Your boyfriend’s?” “No. Really just close friends.” “Your scents are mingled. You must be really close.” Liam chuckled. “We are.” He confirmed. They fell in an easy silence for a few moments, then she sighed. “Go ahead, ask.” “Are you a born wolf or were you bitten?” “Born. I’m a born werewolf with IED.”

She obviously expected him to judge her or make a nasty comment because if nothing came, she looked over at him, surprise evident on her face. “What? No comment about me being a failure? A timebomb? Maybe even a monster?” “You’re none of those things. Neither because you are a werewolf nor because you have IED. You just have your difficulties with staying in control.” “What about you? Were you bitten or born?” “Bitten when I was fourteen. Took me years to learn to stay in control. I’m still learning.” “And since when are you an Alpha?” “A few months now.” “Who did you kill?”

Liam sighed. He had known sooner or later somebody would ask this question. He leaned his head against the headrest and looked at her. “Would you believe me if I said I didn’t kill anyone?” “Then how did you become an Alpha?” “Does the Morning Dew Pack ring any bells?” She shook her head and Liam launched into the story of how he became an Alpha. When he ended, Sadie blinked.

“I didn’t know you could become an Alpha by ritual.” “Me neither but here I am.” “Huh, pretty young, don’t you think?” “Yeah, but I’ll manage. I have an awesome pack.” Sadie glanced at him. “Well, I don’t have a pack and I don’t want one.” “So, you’re an omega.” “Is a college werewolf an omega or simply just a college student?” She asked back. “Now we’re getting philosophical.”

Liam smiled at her and she hesitantly returned the smile. “You are the first other werewolf I met on campus. I’m sure there are others but I have never met them..” “Well.” Liam began. “There’s Theo too. And Maya. Makes four of us. If you want, you can meet with us.” When he noticed her sharp glare, he raised both hands. “This is not me recruiting, this is me inviting you for hanging out with us. You can leave anytime but I don’t think somebody should be alone. You don’t have to be pack to hang out with us. I hung out with lots of people who weren’t pack during high school, I have no problem with it.” He told her and she relaxed a bit. “I’ll see if I can make it possible. You know, I have lots of friends on the campus and around town.” “Sure. Whenever you want, you can call me or just drop by.” He grabbed pen and paper and scribbled down his phone number and his address. Handing it over, Sadie hesitated again before she took it and put it in her purse.

In this moment Liam’s phone rang and he looked at the screen. Theo’s name flashed on it and he accepted the call. “Where are you? Lacrosse practice is over by now and you still are not home. Are you okay?” “Yeah, mom, I’m okay, don’t worry.” Liam replied with a smile and rolled his eyes. Theo huffed out a laugh. “Idiot. Just wanted to check. Is my car okay?” “Your car is fine too. I mean, the mechanic said it will be fine again.” “Liam, I swear to god!” “Yeah, love you too. I’ll be home soon, sweetheart.”

He hung up and chuckled while pocketing his phone. “That was your boyfriend, right?” Sadie inquired. “Nope, still my roommate and the owner of this truck.”

“Oh.” She looked at the sky. “I should get going, the rain almost stopped.” She opened the door but then looked back at him. “Guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see you.” Liam said and she smiled weakly before slipping out the car and closing the door. She ducked and then started marching to god knows where. Liam let her. He had the sure feeling she didn’t want him to drive her somewhere. Boundaries, he got that much. But maybe she would follow his invitation and actually hang out with him and his friends one or two times. She seemed like a nice girl when she wasn’t currently snapping at anybody.

What do you say, guys? Liam's facing some hardships after becoming an Alpha. Thank god he has his pack to rely on. And what do you have to say about Sadie? Do you like her? Hate her? Any wishes for the next chapter? Predictions? Bets?

#thiam #my writing #A tale written with fangs and claws #Morning Dew Pack series #alpha!liam

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ramshacklefey · 6 years

Text

Augusta

“We don’t really have a lot of use for heroes in a town like Augusta. No alien attacks or extra-dimensional portals. We’ve never even had a demon-summoning cult, just the Hutterites, and they’re good people. There’s not much here if you don’t count the time the Wallace cousins set Mary White’s barn on fire. But that family’s just a bad bunch.

“Anyway the heroes are all city-people. Captain America might’ve grown up in Queens, but he doesn’t know shit about bucking hay-bales in mid-August, and he probably can’t drive a combine as good as me. I’d love to see Tony Stark out here sweating and cursing like my dad when a tractor breaks down, getting one of his fancy suits dirty for once.

“Course, to hear Pastor Mike talk, you’d think all the heroes were Satanists or something. You should’ve heard him last summer after the Avengers went to that gay pride parade in New York, when Captain America had the rainbow shield.

“I guess in some way, I was lucky I grew up in Augusta. Mother named me Jolene, like the song, and I’d probably have hated it just for that. I heard that song way too many times.

“The whole town is just the one street where the bar and general store are. And the old dinner club, but that’s been closed since Rita passed. She was such a wonderful person. But in a place that small, everybody thought it was cute when I was ten and cut all my hair off and refused to wear anything but boys’ flannels. We don’t really have lesbians in Augusta, so nobody thought it was weird.

“I was just one of the tomboys. There’s always a couple of us, running around with the boys, learning to shoot and smoke and play football. But it was never enough, you know? Especially when I was in ninth grade and suddenly the boys shot up and started getting muscles and beards. I mean, I started filling out too, but not really in the right places.

“I went to homecoming that year with Tommy Sykes, who was a senior and really cute. After the dance we had sex in his truck, and he said he wanted me to be his girl, and I guess it was nice, and I even think I wanted it? But it felt awful, even though he was gentle. It didn’t hurt or anything, it just felt awful.

“Me and Tommy dated my whole time in high school, while he was working nights at the plant. We kept having sex, and I found out there was stuff I liked doing, so we did that stuff mostly.

“Dating Tommy let me keep hanging out with the boys, which most of the tomboys grew out of around then. But they couldn’t spit tobacco juice farther than anyone else. So.

“Senior year came, and Grace McKinnon shaved off half her hair in September and said she was a lesbian. Two weeks later, her folks packed her off to this retreat out in the mountains past where the Hutterites live. We all kinda knew what was going to happen there, but none of us kids really knew how to talk about it. Lizzy Blaine got really quiet after that, and a few weeks later she disappeared. They found her body on the rez a month later.

“And then I found this blog. It was about a… a guy. But he’d been a girl at first… or everyone though he was, because he was born looking like one. I’d never heard the word transgender before, except sometimes on the news. But he was talking about how he figured out he was a boy and it was like somebody was talking about me… so I looked some more, and the more I looked, the more I knew I was a boy. And then… well… when I was with Tommy, I started thinking about what it’d be like to do all the things we did, but kinda the other way around, if you know what I- right, sorry.

“Anyway, it was round about Thanksgiving when I realized that if I was a boy, that meant I was also gay. And Tommy’s a great guy, but he’s not gay. I started feeling guiltier and guiltier every time we had sex.

“On Christmas Eve, Tommy asked me to marry him. And I - it was at my folks’ place and everyone was there - and I just started bawling and blurted everything out. How I couldn’t marry him because I’m a boy and probably a lot of other stuff that my folks never wanted to hear.

“It’s been two months since that. Tommy said he still loves me, but everybody told me I was sick, needed a doctor and the pastor. I went to see both of them, but nothing helped. I prayed and fasted, I tried psychology… but it didn’t change me. I know what I am.

“Yesterday Mom came back from church with this flyer from Pastor Mike. For the retreat where they sent Grace. She said they’d help me there. But Grace never came back. And I’m only 17, won’t be 18 til July. I told Mom what those places really are, but she said… she said that’s better than hellfire...”

Joey stopped talking at last, staring blankly at the woodstove while tears dripped off his chin into the cup of coffee he still clutched.

Outside the windows of the bunkhouse, snow was hurling itself sideways, and the wind whistled mournfully in the chimney. The other man stared out the window for a long time before he said, “So you ran away to die in a Montana blizzard.”

Joey laughed weakly and wiped his face on the corner of the wool blanket draped around his shoulders. “I wasn’t planning on the blizzard,” he admitted, “You saw how well I was packed. I was gonna hitch to Missoula and then buy a Greyhound ticket to somewhere. Maybe Seattle or San Francisco.”

Another silence. Joey studied the man who had hauled him out of a snowbank less than an hour ago. He was thick-chested and thick-armed, with an old cowboy’s bow-legged gait. His black hair was swept back into an old-fashioned greasy style that made points above his ears, and he sported heavy sideburns.

He was also short as hell, Joey thought. If he were standing, the man would’ve barely come up to his chin, and Joey himself was only five-foot-seven.

“It’s a good thing I found you then,” the man said at last, “I can probably save you the bus ticket, if you wanna come with me a piece.”

“Where’re you going?” Joey asked warily.

“East,” said the man, “upstate New York eventually, but I got a couple stops more on the way. Not where you were planning on, but it’s a free ride.”

“Why do you wanna help me?”

The man shrugged.

“You need help,” he said, “I got an empty seat in the truck. I don’t much like kids, or company, but I can make sure you get someplace safer than an alley in ‘Frisco.”

“Where’s that?”

“School,” he said, “For kids who’re different. I work for them. Sorta. You’re not the kind of different they specialize in, but the principal’s an old friend. He’ll take you, once we explain. And they might even be able to help. Really help, not whatever the dumbasses here were trying to do.”

Joey snorted and said, “I’m not a great student. And a private school like that’s gonna be pretty spendy.”

“Just come see it,” said the man, “If it doesn’t work for you, I’ll take you anywhere else you want. But come look.”

Joey rolled his eyes, but really… it wasn’t like he had a better plan.

“Fine,” he said, “but really, why do you care so much, mister… what’s your name, anyway?”

“Name’s Logan,” he growled, “And I care because you and me, we got a lot more in common than you realize.”

#stories #fanfiction #marvel #logan #transgender #ftm #this keeps happening #logan just shows up at the school with trans kids #and xaviers like..... why are you like this #but he wont say no

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onestowatch · 4 years

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Jay Loud Escaped Naptown, and Now It's Shaping His Music [Q&A]

Jay Loud made it out of the maze. For the multi-faceted Indianapolis artist, that fact was easier said than done. Life in the middle of Naptown involved shootouts, constant peril, and all the dangers that come with living in one of America’s most dangerous cities. It took an acquaintance's mother stepping in for his fortune to change for the better, helping him relocate to Seattle where he received the break that would spark his music career.

Now, he’s making his voice heard with Naptown, his debut project released via EMPIRE. Despite all he’s endured to get this far, there’s a sizeable amount of brightness on the album, present in his joyful melodies and the bouncy production behind them.

“Ice Cream” sounds like the Santa Monica Pier in the middle of summertime, drenched in twinkling synths and a sugary hook that’s sweeter than a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. When he does treat his songs with a harder edge, it’s just as compelling. “Wait” brings the abrasive percussion to ratchet the energy up a notch, while his stuttering flow keeps it rolling along without a hitch.

We caught up with the artist to learn how Naptown came together, how he was first discovered, and how the move to Seattle changed his life.

Ones To Watch: Naptown is out now. What does that city mean to you?

Jay Town: Naptown is like a maze. That’s the only way to describe it. You’ve got people who are lost, you’ve got people who are trying to get out, and you’ve got people who know they’re never getting out, so they try to keep you locked in. It’s like a system, either you fail or you find a way to get out.

What kept your head on straight within that maze?

My mama being there. If she wasn’t there, I don’t know what I’d be doing. She still calls me to this day. She still gives me advice and makes sure I’m feeling right. It’s been times I didn’t think I’d be able to handle the situations I’ve been in, and she’d just remind me, “You’re good, move like this and you’re good.” She’s been a big part of that.

How much pressure did you put on yourself before this album?

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My manager Taj was like, “We have four weeks to get this done,” but it was hard for me to write songs. The simple fact that he and everyone else stayed on me, to make sure it all got done. My struggle was mostly trying to come up with hits, non-stop. If I wasn’t going to make a hit, I didn’t want to make a song. I had to warm up into exploring my way into the music, where I can come up with something regardless of how I feel about it.

What makes you feel like you have the hit?

Previously to now, I would say “Narcos” is the hit. But “Ice Cream” was definitely a hit. It was a different sound that I didn’t even let anyone else hear. I was just rapping, with a little bit of that auto-tuned singing. But once I started actually working on it, and was able to figure out the lyrics, I knew right away. As soon as I came up with the hook, I knew it would be catchy.

You said your manager gave you a month to finish the album. How much of it came together in that final stretch?

Within the first three weeks of that deadline, it really came together. The last week, I was just sprinkling extra things on it, or maybe replacing a few songs with older ones. But really, the album was made in those three weeks.

Talk about how you got the idea for the “Ice Cream” video.

That was Taj’s idea. He came out with the Friday look, and it fit so well, with the ice cream truck and Big Worm. I didn’t even think I’d be wearing all the curlers like that, until he showed the picture and said “We got all this for you.” You don’t know how many times I went over that scene. I know everyone else’s scene in Friday, but Big Worm is like, you don’t really pay attention to him, you’re paying attention to Smoky. I had to go over it like 10 times, until I could really come up with it. It took a lot of practice.

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You ever think about acting?

I just got asked this (laughter). I promise, I really do. I could see myself on a show. I would want to direct my own, though, and then I’d be a character in it. I don’t want to be that person that just dies off.

Let’s double back to the album. How did you put it together? Did you have a checklist of like, “I have to hit this sound, this topic?”

I was cherry-picking, really. Everytime I would hear a beat, I was coming up with different sounds. Everytime I came up with a sound that was really sticking in my head, it was like, I’m going to do something with this. I didn’t write as much, so I would come up with a hook and a little bit of a verse, and then just freestyle the rest. I had to find something juicy enough that would stick with me. When it came down to it, though, it was definitely hard putting it together. I’m not going to lie, I was complaining, I was acting like a punk, like “I can’t get this done.” Taj kept reminding me, stop thinking too hard, it’s not about making a hit every time.

When it comes to the album as a whole, who do you make you music for? Do you have an audience in mind, or is it more for yourself?

I have a certain, personal audience. It’s for me, but I want someone to feel how I feel, in that song. I want someone to feel those emotions. I just want a crowd that’s similar to me, I want to gravitate toward people who resonate with me. I was trying to figure out what I would want to listen to.

What made you leave Indianapolis and move to Seattle?

I had too much on my plate in Indy. I was talking to somebody, and their mom gave me a connection out. I told her my story, about shootouts, all of that, and she was like, you’ll at least have a better chance of dealing with your case out here. I didn’t even know how that was possible, I told her I was going to pass. I called my cousin after and he was like, “Are you dumb? There’s nothing here.” I ended up taking the chance, I took the Greyhound to Washington.

Once I got here, I was living with the mom for about two weeks, before I separated and went to the shelter. I actually got two jobs while I was working at the shelter, one at security, and one working at the mall. But I lost them both, because I didn’t have transportation. I was basically homeless, it was hard to get anywhere. One day, I decided to try and get another job. Someone told me that McDonald’s was hiring, they were doing walk-in interviews. I decided to do it, and went over for the interview.

I’m always singing and rapping out of nowhere, I don’t know where it comes from. But I was singing in McDonald’s waiting for the interview, and this dude Vontae who was doing security was like “You’re dope.” I told him I was just trying to start over, and get a better life going. He told me he had these big producers who lived in Seattle, they were looking for artists like me. I sent him a snippet and he sent it to Taj, and he got me in the studio. I recorded “Lick,” that was the first song I ever recorded. And then Taj was like, “I want to push behind you.” It just went up from there.

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Did you ever work a day at that McDonald’s?

I didn’t even make it to the interview! On everything, as soon as he said “Send me a snippet,” I sent it to him, and I was like, “I’m out of here.” I’m not gonna lie, I was feeling weird about it at first. I’m from a different place, I thought it was a setup. I’m thinking, “Why is he talking to me out of all people at McDonald's?” It didn’t make sense. But then eventually, it was God talking to me. He was saying, “I’m going to set this in front of you.” Matter of fact, he put it around me, so I couldn’t even go anywhere.

How different is the energy for you in Seattle compared to back in Indianapolis?

It’s much more relaxed. I’m able to actually chill, and think about what my next move is. Back there, it was like “I don’t have a dollar in my pocket.” I gotta go out and make something happen, sell hats, whatever. Down here, I don’t even have to think like that. It’s like, “Oh, I can go get a job.”

You don’t even want to think about a job back there; minimum wage is $7.25, and you’re only getting section 8 a certain time of the year, you have to wait for that. Until then, what are you gonna do? You can’t buy an apartment, that’s $2000 a month. You can’t buy a house, that’s even more. Even if it’s cheap, it wasn’t cheap because of minimum wage.

You named this project Naptown. Do you feel any responsibility to the music scene back there?

One of my good friends, Melo, he’s a great rapper. It’s a couple people from back home I would work with, but as far as anybody else, I don’t think so. Most people would hate, or they’re just doing it for the fame. They’ll be like “Let me do a song with you,” and then they’ll diss you on their own song. You have to be cautious about who you let into your music world.

How are you with the other parts of the music industry? Does social media feel like a chore to you?

For a second, it felt like a chore. I was like, “I’m not even a social media person,” but then, how do you expect to be heard? You can’t just go around selling CDs anymore. You can have someone in the studio post you on their story, but that’s only going to get you a couple followers. You’ve got to be promoting, you have to reach out, you have to engage. Even with non-social media people, you still have to reach out. They might have the whole city on lockdown outside of social media.

What’s your definition of success?

I could say… everybody around me in a wealthy living situation. My family back home, and me too. But everyone around me has to experience it too. Even if you weren't there through everything back then, if you’re making an effort to show me you’re with it until the end, I got you.

I don’t want to be that guy where it’s “If you weren’t with me from the start, then it’s F you, yada yada.” It’s a lot of people who weren’t with me, but they’re with me now. Half the reason why I’m even blowing up now is because of people who weren’t with me from the start. You have to be cautious, but at the same time, you have to open up. I just want to see everyone around me eating, that’s going to make me feel successful.

Who are your Ones to Watch?

My friend Melo, back home. Keshawn from Seattle, Louie from Tacoma. It’s a lot of artists… Rod Wave is still coming up. Duke Duece, TJ Porter, he’s from New York. 147 Calboy, he’s already making a name. It’s a lot of people that I was watching when I was in that area, props to them.

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#jay loud #naptown #hip house #rap #interview

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