#i’m gonna do horrible i can’t do this

[aceofstars16]

It’s 7:30 in the morning and I’m exhausted but I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep again any time soon….

It’s like I was *just* starting to heal from having my heart and trust shattered 3 years ago, and now it’s happening all again, only this time I don’t have the church to go to for comfort/prayer/encouragement. And instead of a friendship I had for 2-3 years, it’s a church I’ve been going to for TWENTY TWO YEARS

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone, this can’t actually be happening, right?

(I’m not okay, I keep crying and I just want to wake up from this nightmare)

#I don’t even know what to tag this as I just can’t #I was literally just telling my counselor that I feel like I’ve never had the ‘years of plenty’ #only the suffering and trials…and now this happens to seem to confirm that #and it doesn’t help that I was already having trouble trusting the leader after last year #and now it’s like a big ‘I told you’ from my brain which isn’t gonna help me trust anyone in the future #I was already having a hard time taking chances and trying to trust again ans NOW THIS #I know I should at least try to sleep again I just…I don’t even know anymore #I’m not even gonna tag this as any normal stuff tbh #how about just #aceo get her heart broken again #not to mention I’m terrified I’m going to fallback into the numb empty depression pit I only just kind of got out of #and faith? bro I understand how people left the church or faith cause it is HARD to differentiate between the church and God #I’m still trying to pray and stuff I just feel so empty and I can’t do this again #it doesn’t help that the church claimed that they felt ‘lead’ to this crappy situation whatever THAT means #I only heard it second hand tbh…I just…can this stop please? can this all just be a horrible dream that I wake up from? please

[frecklystars]

I’m so sad I won’t be able to watch the Oscars until I’m home from my trip in the third week of March ☠️ the whole world would have seen I’m Just Ken by then and I’ll be left behind 😭😭

And it’s not just “wah im gonna miss a show” bc I don’t rly care about the show itself necessarily. This is my main F/O and I won’t be able to see him but other ppl will. I have felt so disconnected from Ken. I’ve gotten a handful of inbox messages where ppl say “oh i have him call ME his sweet girl now because of your comic” or ppl will tag my ship art with Ken as “oh that’s ME and Ken” and it hurts. I’ve said multiple times I’m not comfortable sharing F/Os but ppl just? Don’t care?? My self insert isn’t somebody for you to project onto, holy shit why is that so hard for some ppl to comprehend

Now when he calls me sweet girl in my fics/drawings I don’t feel anything anymore, I’ve tried making comics and I feel absolutely nothing from him, it doesn’t feel special anymore bc so many people keep self projecting onto my self insert as if she were an “x reader” experience. I’ve felt disconnected from Ken for a couple of weeks now and I’ve been trying so hard to feel good with him again but I can’t. I’m so numb. I don’t want to lose him and the fact that the self shippers who openly project onto my stuff will see him singing live, but I won’t, feels like another major step backwards away from him, if that makes sense. My ship with him doesn’t feel special anymore. I need these characters so badly, I don’t have anybody else if I don’t have my Ryan F/Os and I don’t want to go back to months ago when I had absolutely nothing to hold onto and I was fighting every day just to stay alive. I’ve had special interests completely ripped from me due to abuse and I can’t go back to feeling as bad as I did last year, I had never felt worse and I’m so scared of feeling that way again. I need my F/Os I need Ken and I’m so far away from him now I don’t feel his love for me anymore and it’s terrifying bc last year was the worst year of my entire life and I don’t want to go through my flashbacks and nightmares all by myself, I don’t want to go back to constantly planning my own demise when my trauma was so fresh and I had nothing to comfort me. I jolted awake from more ptsd nightmares today, which has been nearly an everyday ordeal for a year, and I wanted to think of Ken comforting me like I usually do but I didn’t have the heart to do so. I feel so unloved and replaceable the way ppl easily replace my S/I in all of my posts, I don’t believe he’d care for me anymore.

I keep having meltdowns bc the thought of losing F/Os all over again during a time when I’m STILL in such an unsafe situation shakes me up so bad and I don’t know how to solve this problem. I need him with me I need comfort from these characters but I don’t feel connected with them anymore bc I’ve associated them with a dozen other people. At this point I’m not really upset about missing Im Just Ken, im upset about the fact i just feel nothing whatsoever and watching that live could have helped a little but I won’t be able to access it until other people have already seen it, and it won’t feel special anymore. And my ship with him just in general doesn’t feel special anymore, none of them do, and I’m scared and devastated and I don’t know how to fix it

#vent #whatever I’ll just cry about it and delete this later #I don’t want to fucking hard block every self shipper who dumps their tags onto my posts but god. you just don’t do that!!! #it’s common courtesy!!! i can’t share f/os I’m fucking sorry I can’t bc then I’m gonna lose them!!!! and I lost *everything* last year #I can’t lose Ken too but I’m scared I already did #and I want to go offline but I can’t I have to do commissions 😭 because I’m broke asf I can’t afford groceries #I wanna rip my hair out #ppl who didnt follow me last year + didn’t see how bad I was doing May-July have no idea #‘I wanted to die I felt so bad I was unsafe and stalked’ is a fucking understatement and I lost F/Os who were so important to me #and the idea of losing Barbie/Ken scares me to death #I don’t want to go back to feeling as horrible as I was 7 months ago I can’t do it. i can’t do it but I feel him slipping from me #and I wouldn’t if ppl just!!! would stop!!!! tagging my OWN ART as their self ship!!! tagging my stuff as theirs!!! #putting ship tags all over my own posts that are personal to me my god please I’m so tired

[ecoamerica]

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[onedirecton]

unfortunately my neighbours r continuing to smoke indoors 👍 0 days since our last nonsense

#last night was horrible . the bathroom and my roommate’s room just reeked because their unit is basically on the other side of her wall #she’s coming back like tomorrow and I feel awful she’s coming back to something like this :( #it was just awful (the smell) and I went in to keep the window open overnight but like….you literally cannot sleep when it stinks that bad #and it’s unfair if we have to uproot everything and move just because these actual losers can’t follow the terms on the lease #she said she might have to come bunk in my room if it’s ever bad like that again and I was like yeah absolutely no problem #this was the second time the smell has been so concentrated in her room like goddddd #so not cool #anyway it was a rough night and I called my family on video chat and it helped #but I spent most of the day in a weepy fog because I hate living here and I hate the unpredictability of it all #anyway they might get evicted soooo please god god pleeeeease kick them out!!!! #I hate that it’s gonna bad again :( #it’s been a week since I told my counsellor that I’m doing better 🤪 then it just got bad again what the hell #I need a hug lol

[sapphosboy]

I’m completely fine and okay until I remember that Eric Delano literally blinded himself for the chance to raise his son, and love him, and protect him from Mary and Mary fucking killed him for shits and giggles. 

#tma #he loved his son so fucking much #He loves his son and he just wanted to raise him #because he knew how horrible Mary was and he wanted to protect his son from that #And Mary killed him as a little experiment #I’m literally gonna be sick about it man this is so fucking sad #And his son has the most heartbreaking life because of Mary #He never had a chance to have a normal happy life #He could’ve though #And that’s so fucking gutting #he had a father who literally blinded himself #just so he could raise him and love him and protect him man #I can’t fucking do this #eric delano

[kavehater]

I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏 #Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was …. #I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone … #Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up. #dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing. #Essay tags 😻😻😻

[werebutch]

Ok goodnight I’ve been anxiety ridden over seemingly everything the past week or so to the point where my TUMMY won’t stop HURTING for ONE MINUTE the whole time. I’m scared I’m so scared of everuthing I’m scared

#my hrt appointment is on tues I’m scared. math I’m scared. socializing I’m scared. #will I ever stop feeling like I’m going to die whenever I hang out with people. like I thought this was stupid kid stuff but genuinely #makes my blood run cold sometimes just thinking about it. like I’m sooo special enough to be hated that much. get over urself. OMG #but I can’t. I think my problem is that I’m kind of a control freak and I have NO control over how people perceive me. not really #UGH SOOOO STUPID. even if it’s just going to get food or something. literally debilitating it’s horrible it like freezes me in place #being alone gets rid of the fear in the moment but I’ve been feeding that for like a couple years now. and the more I do the worse it gets #UGH. #I know the only way out is through but I’m gonna whine about it the entire time. why the hell is it so stressful for me.. even if I know #the person really likes me.. -__-

[gonzogender]

What if I just don’t show up to the peer review in the morning 🙃

#its first drafts anyway I just really don’t have it where I want and it’s too short and I’ve already been stressing all week like a dumbass #idk tho I know he’s gonna give me shit Wednesday I’m just having the most horrible executive dysfunction lately #I’m just like. so guilty cause I had to quit my job already and I still can’t fucking do anything #mine #dl

[designernishiki]

I wanna flesh out a yakuza oc but every time I think about it I end up thinking about an oc of mine who already Exists who’s not a yakuza oc. but is, in fact, an oc who is a yakuza. and that fact is genuinely completely unrelated

#he existed WAY before I started playing yakuza or knew really anything about it #actually he contributes to why I got into yakuza to begin with. cause when my friend first showed me y0 I was like ough… my character #grew up in this exact environment and culture and structure and etc (son of a patriarch) #so it was legitimately a good reference for his background and stuff #I kinda wanna talk about him/his background more on here but. like i said he’s. not technically a yakuza oc #and he can’t be because he. canonically. has PLAYED yakuza. like the games EXIST cause it’s just a normal real world type universe and #I won’t get into all this much but he ends up in the states on the dl for Reasons. accidentally ends up with a son when he’s 22 (son’s #mother being significantly younger but again we’re not gonna get into THAT mess). ends up seeing the first game being sold somewhere in nyc #and is unable to restrain his curiosity about it (as an Actual Yakuza) so he ends up getting his son a ps2 for his birthday partly just #as an excuse to buy and play yakuza 1 because he NEEDS to know what’s in it #something something it ends up being a weird bonding thing with his son who’s definitely too young to be watching this game being played #(he was born the same year as haruka so he’d be like. 8-9. also already a concerningly violent child with many issues but. anyway) #something something he ends up disappearing out of the blue from the states when his son is 12 but the pastime still sticks for said son #from then on. so uh. yeah weirdly significant that these games Exist in this story/universe bdsjhfdfjnd #idk why I’m avoiding saying his name. his name’s asura. he’s a year or two older than daigo (born 1974) and his family’s supposed to be a #pretty powerful one in the tokyo area and he was supposed to be a nepo baby sorta like daigo except he’s not Technically an only child- he #has a much younger sister. but obviously she wasn’t gonna be considered for taking over their father’s seat nor would she want to #she wants absolutely nothing to do with any of it and changes her last name pretty soon after moving to the US to get away from them #no beef with her brother or anything she was just treated absolutely horribly and disgustingly by older members of their family growing up #ANYWAY I should stop talking bdshshcbsnnf I didn’t mean to infodump all this the lore is just. deep with these guys #Asura wasn’t even made to be a particularly prominent character or anything it’s his SON who’s a Bonafide Main Character and asura’s ties in #the story are mostly related to Him. (though his sister is also a pretty prominent character so there’s connection there too) #rambling #also one more note. yes. the timing and location of where asura would’ve first bought yakuza 1 means that it would most likely be the #infamous original english dub version. which is hilarious to think about #especially because his son’s mom (I keep calling her that because they weren’t really in a Relationship they just co-parented and lived #together a little less than half the time. it’s complicated) Did Not Approve of a game that Adult around their kid. so she would not be fond #of walking in the room and hearing TEN YEARS IN THE JOINT MADE YOU A FUCKING PUSSY #luckily she was so young and considered her son a lost cause and a burden as it is so. she complained but didn’t really do anything about #it. I mean shit she was like. only around 24-25 I think. but yeah

[aemiron-main]

reminder that if u hate mike wheeler then will byers hates you 💗

(I don’t mean like affectionate hate I mean like Actual Hate, can’t stand him, using his character as ur punching bag 2 willfully/intentionally misinterpret and wrongfully assign fault to (not that Mike doesn’t have faults, but fault him for the things that Are His Fault not shit that Isn’t) etc like yes Will and Mike have their conflicts but will cares for him SO fucking deeply and does Not Hate Him)

#byler #stranger things #st shitposts #kind of #some of the takes I see abt Mike from time to time just baffle me like What………….. #he’s not some horrible guy trying to intentionally hurt all the people around him as much as possible ffs #literally I am gonna have to start gatekeeping Mike again AND will since clearly ppl are not only in their Mike hater era but also #in their ‘not understanding will’ era like will does not hold some super deep hateful resent towards Mike #like ffs do you think he gave Mike the painting for shits and giggled?? NO!!!! he was trying to reassure Mike and make him feel better bc #HE CARES ABOUT MIKE!!!!! #I’m literally half awake rn but Mike get behind me #like damn some ppl truly do not like it when things like mental illness and the way it presents don’t exactly align with #their own worldview. I’m not saying I’m Right all the time I’m saying that ppl are #willfully making Mike out to be smthn be isnt and intentionally ignoring his struggles #like do u think that will ‘can’t keep his eyes off of mikes plate and keeps staring w concern at every fucking meal’ byers is gonna take #kindly to someone ignoring and erasing mike’s emotions and complexity and struggles?? NO!!! #going thru some of the anons I’ve gotten previously and I’m just like… ???? why do people seem to Want to hate Mike so much

[sableeira]

catching covid after my 3 year no-covid streak feels kinda bad ngl

#I thought it was some type of flu for the past few days but nope #tbf I’ve been sick three other times these past three years and one time was sus as hell but I’ll never know what that was all about… #yeah not catching covid felt like a Highscore streak. yeah I do think about everything in my life in terms of gamification u_u #when the new chapter released I was like: oh there is so much going on maybe I’ll manage to be more active again and then I was just out #it’s a bit better now at least but I’m also finally catching on that it has the worst timing #my family was meant to visit me next week but I’ll still be contagious so don’t think that’s gonna happen #also in 5 1/2 weeks I’ll need to finish a substantial part of my bachelor project… #things are happening but I had a horrible creative slump right before falling sick so that kinda sucks #at least my vis dev part of the project is mostly over now so maybe I’ll get back to some casual fanart again soon… I miss it :( #when I was younger everytime I got sick I just started grinding out fanart. dunno where that energy went because now I can’t even move #my pinky when I’m sick #sina’s rambling

[1ovestay]

oh man i am running out of time!!!!!!!

#looking at my calendar feeling so stressed i’m running out of time #and so many people are like all of a sudden wanting to catch up before i go #tried to throw a going away party but half the people can’t come #and of course they wanna see me another time before i go #i’m working real hard to fit in the people i want to see before i go #like there’s some people that really just take priority #sorry to my other friends.. not to sound horrible but sometimes i really just have too many friends #there’s not enough time to see them all especially when they’re all in different groups #and in between all of that i have to do all of mt last minute organising and packing #feeling overwhelmed lol… friday is my last day of work i think i’ll probably cry #it’s so crazy i’m gonna be jobless for the first time since i was 15 #anyway this is all A LOT!!!! i think if i was just moving interstate or something it wouldn’t be a big deal but im not gonna see most #of these people for 2 years cuz i’m literally moving to the opposite side of the planet lol #p

[deadlittledogs]

just spent 3 hours looking at pictures of hot people to work up the courage to take that spiro I got prescribed like 9 months ago lel

IM READY TO SLAY PLEASE GOD LET ME SLAY

#my face was doing slightly better……. #THAN BOOM OUT OF NOWHERE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE BREAKOUT #WHY DID MY BIRTH CONTROL JUST RUIN ME LIKE THIS #I thought my skin would’ve been better by now reeeeeeeee #I guess my hormones are still messed up…. my periods are still weird….. #I can’t take this though so i’m gonna try the spiro lol #I can’t be a pathetic ugly loser and ALSO have shitty skin #PICK A STRUGGLE #tired of looking at pictures of myself pre-bc and crying because my skin was basically spotless #I can’t believe I ever complained just because I had blackheads on my nose #blackheads are fucking nothing. I eat blackheads for breakfast. #if I don’t glow up soon i’m going to fucking kill myself I’m going to actually kill myself

[bo0zey]

saw mcr in chicago last night and it was literally so traumatizing that i couldn’t even enjoy the show or be happy i deadass hate you psycho animalistic band wagon ass idiot mfs so much thanks for ruining my one chance at seeing and hearing and experiencing my saviors of 10+ years. the band that kept me alive by providing me the emotional stability childhood me needed when everyone else around her was dying and made her feel like giving up too. the one chance i expected to feel the most alive i ever have ended up with me feeling so fucking dead and numb inside. the band whose songs literally filled my lungs with the air i needed to stay alive. and an hour before i was supposed to see mcr you selfish stupid idiots crushed my ribcage and stole all the oxygen i’d been saving for 7 hours standing in that crowd. you crushed my ribcage to the point it couldn’t fully expand and i physically could not inhale or exhale. you crushed me until my descending colon pressed against my equally taut and ungiving abdominal aorta and occluded it until i was physiologically unable to get fresh oxygen to my brain. i was a mere 12 inches and 1 hour away from seeing my band when you stupid senseless fucks ruined everything for me. i was ripped from the barrier and left in an oxygen-deprived mental fog for their entire set. i couldn’t even mouth the words to their songs from 50000000 feet away because the action hurt my ribs and diaphragm too much. god forbid i try to sing along without becoming lightheaded and nauseous because my body was so physiologically traumatized that even breathing without anyone pressed up against me had become painful. i was left in a dissociated state from being pulled out of the crowd until i got home. i couldn’t even drink water because my diaphragm and abdominal organs and aorta were still so traumatized and inflamed it hurt to have anything else inside to add to the excess pressure. i stood like a statue almost their entire set. i felt zero happiness, only immense sadness. i was so numb and dissociated while standing there in the middle of the concert watching the screen and listening to each song that the only thing i could feel were the nonstop flow of tears running down my face at the realization of the horror of it all. at some points i couldn’t even hear the actual music. the only thing i could hear was gerard’s words, as if he were speaking directly to me and it was the only thing keeping me present and grounded and somewhat connected to my body. and do you know????how it feels????? to feel fucking dead inside even though your body’s physically there alive in the same moment as the band that had given you so much life as a kid when you felt like you were dying???? and to just stand there surrounded by a crowd of 50000 people and feel deader than ever??? their music couldn’t even bring me out of this physically traumatized state and just made the emotional trauma exponentiate. i am so heartbroken and feel so defeated and let down and purposeless all over again. i will never have an opportunity like that again and it’s such a fucking hard thing to swallow knowing i couldn’t give my inner child her one chance to be that child again, to feel saved and alive and in love with this beautiful thing life has to offer. i hate all 50000 of you and most of all i hate myself for not being physically strong enough to withstand the physical abuse of that crowd. in conclusion thank u for ruining mcr for me and btw if u have a chance pls go get fucked.

#also don’t bother bitching at me in my ask box abt this Nothing abt crushing someone to death is okay #like that person at travis scott’s concert who get crushed against the barrier and died???? fucking ridiculous #gerard had to stop between every fucking song and tell people to step back from each other #between every song dozens of people were being pulled out of the crowd onto stretchers to the medical tent #even the fucking production guy had to come on stage n tell the crowd they needed to step back or else he ‘can’t let the band back out here’ #like they probably had to cut like 2-3 songs cuz so much time was wasted telling everyone to stop fuckjng killing each other #i won’t even bother going into how horrible this was on my emotional state bc no one would care to understand #mcr was the one thing that gave my life consistency and stability and a chance to feel safe being alive #they saved what little i had left of my childhood. and now i feel like i lost everything #at one point in my life their music even their solo projects every lyric was the only happiness i had #and seeing them live i couldn’t even feel happy. do u know how shitty that feels??? #i’m scared to listen to their music now bc i’m scared i’m just gonna breakdown crying all over again bc i was so close to exerpiencing them #i was so close to being alive and in the flesh with my 4 saving graces and then i was left alone #idc if u think i’m being dramatic u don’t understand how much this moment meant to me #there’s nothing stopping me from reaching club 27 now lol. cuz they’ll never come back again. i have nothing to wait around n stay alive for #also i was supposed to take the pics to remake the mcr returns from the war post but i couldn’t cuz i fainted n got pulled out of the crowd #lollllll life is so silly n funny #ramblings

[milo-is-rambling]

I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it

#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with #no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to #ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and #then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there #like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day) #(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this #inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m #normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans #are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of #getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and #I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage #where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not #like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my #friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the #only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so #long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy #forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s #what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is #destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)

[beepmon]

i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much

#bumbles (bee mumbles) #as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could #he was like a car necromancer #it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers #and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking #like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together #i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr #idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself #i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye #and so i just feel like an idiot for going #bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing #i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard #i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in #but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless #but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed #i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster #i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with #i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are #i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me #i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off #i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain #plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me #like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident

[boyghcst]

god i don’t wanna be here i don’t wanna exist

#i hate myself so much #I’m sick of myself and sick of this world #i got upset at Lexi bc they said they didn’t wanna hang lol like i just shutdown n went quiet even tho they drove to take me to the shops #bc I’m ill #like I’m tired of always getting hurt I’m so damn sensitive all the time #like idk i guess i just thought they were gonna stay at mine for a while like we usually do #n instead they just wanted to go home #which is obv fine like they can do whatever they want but im sick of getting upset over this stuff #n i always feel horrible and guilty when i get triggered whether it’s shutting down or passive aggressiveness #or having a meltdown over stuff idk i just feel so emotionally childish n even when i know it’s wrong to feel tht way it still happens #i just wish i knew how to be better and stop being like this #n my therapists just keep telling me well it’s okay and normal to feel this way because I’ve been thru bad experiences before n thts why #i feel abandoned and unloved #but it’s like I’m 24 i shouldn’t be so emotionally all over the place and get triggered all the time like i can’t function bc of this #n i end up just acting in ways i don’t like like if someone was acting this way w me id be exhausted I’m not surprised I’ve been called #exhausting and too sensitive and negative and immature bc i am n hell if u don’t like me dw i hate myself more ive literally been trying #to get better and it’s going nowhere i think i just gotta end myself fr #journal