#i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off

[beepmon]

i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much

#bumbles (bee mumbles) #as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could #he was like a car necromancer #it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers #and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking #like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together #i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr #idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself #i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye #and so i just feel like an idiot for going #bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing #i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard #i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in #but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless #but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed #i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster #i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with #i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are #i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me #i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off #i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain #plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me #like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident