#i truly don't even know what im doing

[alchemyne]

i don't want to turn 25 rant in tags

#i truly don't even know what im doing #i will get super passionate about something and then let it rot #and it's things im good at too so idek what's wrong with me #i just feel completely and utterly burnt out with work and relationships and just. everything really. #and hobbies too i was so excited to start drawing again and it seems pointless with ai art being preferred anyway #every time i think about putting effort into making friends i get ill at the thought of them doing the same shit #so like. what is there to do. #i just want to be far far away from here #my last birthday was soooo shit too lol i am just not. in any way looking forward to this one. #anyway it will all be fine!!! #i will watch movies and go out and do things on my own and it will be fine #and maybe i will get a job overseas #okay goodnight #<3

[burinazar]

Oh, wait, wait, ok, I can tell tumblr my news now.

I was accepted into the JET Program and will be moving to Japan for one year starting in late summer to teach English. : )

I don't know how many other applicants have ever had either of my specific application 'angles'. I think they were both pretty weird, but also very, very me, and I'm pleasantly surprised that they seemed to have worked, going off both by the acceptance and the very positive and warm reactions I got during the interview I had. These were:

Science/scicomm/museum background + implying mutual interest in and love of like insects and sea life could be an avenue of intercultural connection and exchange

India and Japan have always struck me as weirdly similar in ways nobody seems to discuss, especially in both being simultaneously hurtling into modernity and deeply traditional/conservative in many ways and places

So. Is this a silly idea considering most people in this program are fresh college grads, and people my age are expected to maybe be getting more settled rather than hopping continents? Is this a scary idea, considering I'll have to uproot all my shit and go exist in a foreign country whose language I really don't know beyond miniscule smatterings? I mean, hmm, yes on both counts, but I'm very excited. On count one, I'd only get older in the future and demonstrably *don't* already have a settled life and career here to disrupt (lol), and on count two...guys, I'm so so tired of letting fear and inertia make my life decisions.

Time to pack up and store most of my shit and end my lease and. Yeah. Also I haven't actually been to India in five years and will probably try to visit my relatives there in the coming months since idk if i'd had an opportunity for a prolonged visit in the future during the one year (at least) in jp. I'll also be probably selling, trading, or giving away a lot more of my hobby shit (that was sort of an ongoing project already but since I'll be unable to use most of it for a year plus it's another reason to do so), so uh, if you've ever wished I would sell any of my dolls now might be time to commit BJD Hobby Taboo and ask me lol. And, obviously, I'll be studying more Japanese, because mine is incredibly へたくそ at the moment. So much to do. But I'm really excited. And thank you to all of y'all that have been encouraging to me about anything related to this matter <3

#i don't know where they'll put me but i asked for ibaraki prefecture #during my research i became really endeared by the idea of The Prefecture Everyone Thinks is Ugly and Boring lol #seems like a good combo of 'not too far from urban things + cost of living + genuinely there ARE nice natural and cultural things there' #they could put me anywhere though lol #already one of my fandom friends from there wants to meet up ;; im so flattered #im obviously not going there to do doll and fandom bullshit but that stuff will be a nice bonus in off time #i have very little idea on what to expect specifically re japanese attitudes to south asian people and am interested to find out #and maybe be a bunch of kids' first exposure to both americans and south asians and like immigrants as a concept : 3 #keeping my expectations tempered though. It Could Suck #but it'll suck in a novel way and truly i thrive on novelty even though often i take the easy and familiar path to try to protect myself #just. aaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa scary but exciting im so excited

[the-lark-ascending69]

> be a robin buckley fan

> be lesbian

> project on robin

> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic

> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve

#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!'' #i have several grips about that interpretation #going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply) #to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take #a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his #inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect #him to be that smart #but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way #it fine #what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao #who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3) #3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too #like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's #rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc #the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭 #also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw #unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it) #like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her. #she's his friend. #but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones #where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭 #anti steddie #not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone #edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel #drowned in st3ddie posts #like something isn't right here

[theokusgallery]

The problem with my art right now is that 1) the little drawing time I have goes to @daily-basil ; 2) I have phases, and am currently deeply unmotivated ; and 3) when I do draw what this blog is currently about (Arsenic) I draw him in a gay way (because I love him deeply) and not like the unhinged person he actually is. I'm sorry I'm so soft about him right now. Yes I want Sunny and him to tear each other apart but they also need to love each other so so so much first

#siiiiiiigh... #im sorry i need him to hold sunny gently and tells him he loves him and yes he'll say it in horrible unhinged ways BUT #poor man who does not know how to love and does not know he can be loved. he is convinced he needs to manipulate people to make them stay #writing down arsenic lore for tosteur like two days ago made me so emotional about him. shaking and crying #there's not even like An Event it's just that his whole childhood sucks and he's never been accepted by anyone and he's so lonely and #(starts crying) #he does horrible horrible things but all he does to sunny truly comes from love. deeply inhumane and twisted love but love nonetheless #(except when he's being a selfish ass who doesn't have any sort of morals and generally doesn't give a shit about other people. of course) #god he's such a horrible person (/simplification) i love him #he does not care about hurting other people and only cares about his own selfish desires #he thinks he can do anything he wants and if other people get hurt by his actions it's not his problem #don't you DARE touch a single hair on sunny's head. not in a 'i care about my bf' way btw. #but because if sunny gets hurt. he has to deal with that and 1) it's boring unless it brings him something and 2) that's *his* plaything. #even when he does nice things for sunny he doesn't make it just to make sunny happy #he does it so that sunny will associate happiness with him and stay. #that's what he thinks consciously at least. he always had ulterior motives for everything he does #it doesn't really make him calculating because it's automatic at this point. it just makes him deeply selfish #my poor little boy who has never had anyone genuinely care about him before... #which doesn't excuse shit of course but hhhh i love him so much. #(D if you see this. this is about the OC not the guy. of course) #arsenic #rant #sometimes i think about nick like a normal person ('he's so awful and interesting') and sometimes i just slhrflfbfb. (cries)

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[errolluck]

I'm tired. Of all of this.

Every fucking day feels like the same, yet it gets heavier. Things get worse, nothing gets better and the few things that gave me security, happiness, where I thought I could escape and be free for some moments, are getting corrupted, forgotten, stained forever, never to be the same refuge they once were.

I'm tired of living sometimes. Of existing on this world.

I know how dying feels; it's calming, the darkness eats you and you feel without worries for the first time in your existance. You know it and that frees you.

But I don't want to die. I'm a coward. I want to continue living on this earth just because I think I can do something in the future, something that will fix everything, something that will give a purporse to everything I've done and lived through.

But we all know that is just a lie to make us feel better, don't we?

Because, at the end of all, do we really matter? What can assure us that?

I'm tired. Too tired.

I want to go somewhere else, but there is nowhere to escape. I want to say that I want to go home, go to the park, go to a forest and be happy. But this is something that will haunt me, haunt me forever and everywhere until the end.

Because you can't escape yourself.

I'm tired...

#I'm not ok right now #my mental health is declining #and everything is getting worse #even the little things that I used to escape reality are rotting #Im just tired #of every single fucking thing that happens #I just wanna curl up and not move at all #Sorry for the vent #but i need to get it out #Im not considering suicide #I don't want to be a weight even after Im gone #and again #i dont want to die #but I just #I just don't want to do this anymore #I don't know what to do #I feel pointless #I think this is just another crisis episode I'm having and I'm going to be fine in some weeks #but I just have to get this out of my chest #I pretend to be ok #to be happy to see if I can truly be happy again #trying to be normal #and ignore everything else that is wrong around me and with me #Sorry again #sorry for the vent #you don't have to worry about me #I don't wanna stress people because I'm not worth it

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

#bg3 spoilers #?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say..... #it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me. #i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee #i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable. #bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen #makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there. #dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it #augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH???? #my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way. #Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3 #I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE #AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY #grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear #truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol #if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life #being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer. #Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this? #For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online #someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this. #why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness? #What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...? #hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!! #i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful. #but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting. #I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself #I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing. #I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come. #Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......

[alligaytorswamp]

Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore

#vent #bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill #i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts #my brain is failing me my body us failing me #i dont know what to do with myself #so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to #i have never felt so utterly alone #i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention #because i probably am #some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point #truly i am just so fucking alone #and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and #probably makes me more mentally ill or smth #and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns #yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time #i am just so so tired #and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary #i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine #at home im in toxic hell #in online spaces i have no one actually close to me #in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything #in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron #on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting #so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so #which again makes me into a fucking Nothing #god my head hurts so much #that's what u get for wailing at 4 am #anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit #all my fault tho so ☺ #delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫

[shopcat]

i still can't get over ppl thinking 32 and 47 is too much of an age gap or like that person who said patrick stewart (?) should die for marrying his wife who is an adult woman it's all just like... do you people not live on earth i am as mean abt weird age gaps as the next guy probably even more to be honest but come ON do you not have parents... are your friends all orphans please my mom and dad had an 11 year age gap it's just so not that serious

#🐾 #first is taika and his wife who i know nothing about tbf but the way people talk about it is so fucking weird 😭 #and to be honest i do just think they're kind of probably racist or something bc they really try and make him out to be a predator ... #for marrying an adult woman ... #they'll be like yeah and they MET when she was insert age here as if that means he wasn't also the same age distance 😭 #like he does not stay 47 HUH 😭 or 8 or whatever i acruallg dont rememebe how old he is #i feel like this is indicative of something but i don't know what. probably just people's desperate STUPIDITY #they saw age gaps and predatory situations and went this applies to everything ever now #like you have the base of a technically really kind empathetic stance for something and yet you don't realise why people even think it #bc then you would use your big beauoful brain and realise it's about power dynamics 😭😭 and stages of life 😭😭 #like once you get past a certain age it just truly doesn't matter didnt we all used to do that thing when we were kids with celeb crushes #ohhh i know it's weird now but when im 33 he'll be 50 so it'll be fine like. cmon

[plushie-lovey]

I've been thinking a lot about my plushie collection and rn I'm just soo overwhelmed by it. Because there's so many of them, and most of them I unfortunately have no attachment to. A majority of the collection was bought on impulse (mostly from goodwill and other second hand shops, where plush are sold very cheaply so its easy to purchase more at one time). I want to sort thru them and get rid of the mass majority that I no longer want, to make room for ones I actually care about, but it feels like such a hassle.

My datemate keeps trying to convince me to wait until we move to do anything. But then I'll have my first collection combined with the one at my current residence and it'll be even more overwhelming. And then there's the thought of where I'm even going to send all these plush. I live in a apartment with cats, and although most of the plush are in boxes, it might still make it hard to sell them because of that. And I live with smokers with no respect, who like to open my bedroom door and let all their nasty smells and nicotine get into my shit, so that's going to make selling even harder.

I could just (re)donate my plush, but then I'll be basically throwing money away, and the same thing would be true if I literally threw them out. Maybe I'll try to sell the ones ik haven't been contaminated by anything because of being boxed up, and the rest I'll just donate. I could see if there's any children's or women's shelters I could send some to. I want to drop a few off for toys for tots as well, mainly the squishmallows because they still have tags and ik they'll be well loved

#ik I've talked about this before #but I truly mean it this time that Im overwhelmed #I have no room for new plushies #even the blue BAB frog I just bought. I haven't the faintest idea where it's gonna go #I'll obviously find room but still #and it makes me sad to have all these plushies here that I just. do not like #its mostly squishmallows that Im detesting atm #Im so over then #but they're my main displayed plushies and I don't want them anymore #I will keep a small handful. but the rest need to go bye bye. because they take up soooo much room #and are just. everywhere. #and there's a bunch of plush I don't even remember buying that are in the boxes that I definitely want gone #before I'd said sorting thru them all was hard. now I don't think it will be #maybe its just because Im nit hyperfixating on plushies rn that Im able to think more clearly about it #but yeah its time to purge my collection #Im even gonna get rid of some webkinz because a bunch of them were bought impulsively #luckily they were sorted right to the bottom of the boxes for their protection so I think I'll be able to sell them easily #anyways thanks for reading my rant guys #and if anyone has any advice on what I should do please let me know #viti shoosh

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and

#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls #girl #and i was so tired #am so tired #i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't #i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne #i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭 #just. kya batau main #i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i #liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest #i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic #everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much #draining and destroys my peace and then they leave #it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship #whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night #every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on #pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking #into a million tiny pieces everytime #i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the #sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's #she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of #i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her #but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna #die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i #need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy #does that make sense #okay bye i should really start writing a diary

[craycraybluejay]

If I wanted to, I could, and worse, you would let me

#and my delusions and aches need healing #and i need you #to love me enough for me not to want to force my love on you #and my rational mind wherever it is knows you do it knows it does #it knows #but. the irrational mind wants some kind of Proof #it wants to force to feed to get inside and look around #nothings ever enough for me i want inside #soft and warm like the womb #you know it #the sick me wants you to somehow prove everything ever #proof of love. proof that im not the only monster. proof of protection of care of empathy of trust of acceptance #its never enough but to be fair you and i both know who made me this way #of course there were many but there are catalysts and then there are nothing-people #prove it to me #i look at you and i feel like youre slipping away someone else has their guts on you someone else has convinced you they are worth your tim #but theyre pathetic and not poetic about it. weak and spineless. they USE YOU to make themselves look strong they USE YOU to talk shit at t #they are useless so they use you like me. and i know i cannot rush it cannot learn your lessons for you #i can't convince you of whats dangrous or cruel until you live it until it breaks your golden heart #but i wish i could protect you from all that somehow #and too i wish a million years would pass and you were as dark as me and as kind as you #its selfish but i hate to see you truly hurt i hate it. it makes me so violently angry. my brain turns off i cant help it #you hurt so Easy you're so very soft but every tiny cruelty that hurts you i want to completely erase off this earth #i dont care if its alive if its helpless if it doesnt know better i dont care if it didnt mean to all i want to do is prove to you show you #keep you safe and cared for #its irrational. i'd put away honour and hurt someone weaker than me if it made you happy if it made you feel safe #i wish i could eliminate the real threat but i cant im trying #you make me crazy and you make me feel normal and simple and human. i know everything about you-- i want to know more #my irrational brain doesn't even register accepted right and wrong only what it considers significant and important. my rational brain read #it like a million page rulebook. be normal be good don't hurt anyone don't get dead don't act before you think

[unproduciblesmackdown]

billions could only have a gay man, who was married, and died by the end of that season; only deal with taylor's upending of presumed cishettery by having everyone who's not terrible be automatically down without putting some crisis about it on them, as the better approach to trying to have people talk about it (true, certainly in this case); extent of its room for rian's latent nonbinariness being "never wearing skirts/dresses, always wearing makeup though"....all that is to say, even with neither of them allowed to be "truly" cishet, b/c that's the rewarded realm for superior people, billions could never do winstuk. but they could be kissing right now

#winston & tuk: cannot be cishet in a way that matters (billions means this as an insult. i mean it as a testimonial) #sure convincing that winston's own ideals are like ''wow im the straightest in the world'' after One alleged official dating experience #and Two crushes on nonbinary people. and being the One person who's a) supported tuk b) without telling him to Stop Being A Loser #the one way other characters can Elevate(tm) tuk more than winston: not Really support him; just tell him to Become worthier #while winston: does not do this #anyway nobody at all gets to be ''truly'' ''ideally'' cishet; just like other inventions re the Correctest body/mind's look & behavior #tbt yrs & yrs ago some random lady talking abt ''queering'' her marriage by having a cellphone or smthing like ma'am i agree nowadays fr #winston Cannot have a ''correct'' sexuality even if he's supposedly ''at least'' cishet with it #neither can tuk; next most loserest dumped no gf nerd! neither Unglasses'd; neither Thin; winston's autistic; tuk isn't white.... #show goes ''well just look at & listen to him XD'' towards winston on occasion; usually doesn't ''overtly'' do this; doesn't re: tuk.... #meanwhile the idea that well Non Hot(tm) people who have no place in ideals & fantasy of Correctness & what's most desired? #they can get with Each Other :) that doesn't threaten things haha don't know how wrong they are. or have accepted All They Deserve (less) #billions is so proximately capable of letting these two be Involved in this way lmao. but it also Isn't #can barely handle taylor & just avoids addressing as much outright as often; again: one gay man; neatly married; neatly deceased.... #iconic total hc's: supplementary dynamics the ladies who are also friends they hooked up w/in 6x11 having a fourway abt it #no anxious negotiating of what must be done & must not be done to keep it all cishet ''enough'' lol. congrats to them all #winston billions #winstuk #was already thinking winston could be dating someone we don't know abt till billions tried to reassure us oh he hasn't Of Course lol right #same is true for tuk ofc but he gets the same treatment (ft. ben's utter mysteriousness re: Any mention of past dating history....) #riawin could've been great & was completely welcome; issue became how the abusiveness there would just also manifest re: sex / romance #totally won't find resonance / overlap b/w ableism & homophobia in how winston's sexuality is seen as mere sex drive that's also gross btw #tuk's really also framed the same way like Of Course You'd Be Rejected; and Any desires would become repulsively Too Much #b/c the superior parties have to want it for it to be correct! & they'd never want You! you're just completely wrong & outside of it all #winston talking at all? Too Much. he must be talked To; & that is so usually begrudging & nonideal #other ppl being horney like well of course. pretty epic really #like w/e winston's sucking & fucking & [Saluting] if he isn't dating at all. like good for him. he can make out w/tuk one way or another #''winston can go fuck himself'' (like one bg dialogue person straightup says) Okay. He Is. party for one? this too can be Sex

[intertexts-moving]

soo many of u guys on this website are like. offputtingly angry and vicious and slavering at at the mouth to gloat at bad things happening to some nebulous incarnation of 'rich evil people'.

#like i just don't understand it..... i didn't get it when it was the boat thing i don't get it w the burning man thing... #i get the satisfaction of gloating at 'bad people who get whats coming to them!!!!!' but hows gloating over some undefined #vague type of Bad Person (because no one ever knows shit about the person who gets it until the bad thing happens) #making u actively happier or ur life actively nicer or better... u could be doing something constructive with #those emotions! instead of going HAHAHAHSHSHS KILL THE DISGUSTING RICH on a dead website... #anyway idk. my first thought with the burning man thing was 'oh man i know that's thr shitty techbro thing now but i bet #there's still just a lot of normal people without massive RVs who just enjoy coming there yearly... i hope they're ok!' #not EVERYONE WHO GOES THERE IS ONTOLOGICALLY EVIL AND OBVIOUSLY A SILICONE VALLEY SYNCOPHANT. #idk. obviously this isn't important im not a fucking cop. u can do whatever u want im not saying whatever is #Right or Wrong. it just is more important 2 me specifically 2 try and have my kneejerk reaction be compassion even #if its something that i personally think sucks. which maybe makes me a centerist to some people? who give a shit. #anyway. i used 2 be like this and then i realized that it wasn't making me happier or #my life any better and also anything that inconveniences someone who's truly obscenely wealthy will just hurt more normal people around the #than the person themself. hdktjfd #txt

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#now my aunt is in remission... #a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school #I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly #i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts.. #but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse #and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen #and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same #if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me #and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all #i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing #i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else #ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again #i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him.. #Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment #im tired of it so much #the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep #i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore.. #im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling #of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more #why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed #maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things #im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency #Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine.. #i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened #and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ... #i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...

[goldentigerfestival]

if there is one thing i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that we'll never ever know the story behind transgressor yuri.

if there are two things i will never recover from with crestoria's crossover being gone for good, it's that leon and aegis' loyal friendship will never ever return.

#GTF Things #Tales of Crestoria #it is rare for leon to be on that kind of respect level with someone let alone risk his own reputation as a traitor to let someone escape #by which i mean in destiny he only ever rly did that for stahn bc stahn was the ONLY person screaming over leon's suffering #and BEGGING him to talk to him and not take on everything alone #so i'd be hard pressed to say he truly made that last second decision for any other reason #other than stahn getting through to him bc if stahn hadn't said anything nobody else was all that worried abt doing so #for him to do that for aegis even in a setting where he wasn't going to be in mortal peril #still risked him becoming a transgressor if anyone had had time to record that #i.e. local dude helps local sinned traitor escape and is by association also a sinner #and that may have affected the ease of his search in restoring stahn to human form #which stahn prob would not have minded but it would still increase the difficulty for leon's search all the same #with yuri forget it im going to be permanently S T R E S S E D that we will never know that story #and i don't think they'd play into the possessed-not-really-yuri thing again after doing it in asteria #and in rays it was only a cameo thing. i fully believe that was actual yuri bc it would fit into his canon-mixed-with-crestoria #so unless the devs for some reason decide to tell us what their plans were for yuri we will never know #and it's been too long now since cresty went down like do i have to write this shit myself #they robbed me of transgressor yuri meeting vicious too woe is me cresty team #im still so desperate for them to turn crestoria back on like pls it's not just my crops anymore it's me too im also dead #i know they won't turn it back on and heck all the data for it is probably long since byebye BUT #even if i enjoy the manga it's not the same without the crossover #i would kill for them to give us that game back it was my fave gacha ever ;; #i say that with the full bias of the fact that i obliterated everything with default leon and completely maxed him in every aspect #but also just the fact that i want cresty's crossover back s o f u c k i n g b a d