#i think ppl dont like to talk about it because the accusations are very serious so you dont want to treat it lightly

[tsukiyamavalentine]

Not So Nice Post Before I Come Back Tomorrow:

Hey y’all. So I know I’m coming online tomorrow for the weekend but I just needed to come online and make a more negative post about something that happened on my birthday, before I can really get all excited about London.

So, basically, when I came back on my birthday, I was greeted by these in my inbox.

(TW: suic*de, sh, ableism, anon hate)

(the bit in red is the R slur and the S word that people sometimes use for disabled ppl)

I believe these were in response to me addressing false accusations of hate anon about me.

Some of these anons dont rly make that much sense to me in context so I don’t know if maybe after i addressed the situation the ppl that accused me of stuff started talking abt me again or something (which i suspected tho i thought most of it was paranoia and the nightmares i was having, but then one of these ppl was literally camping my pinterest for ages after so idk), and then some nasty people saw that and decided to send me these. I genuinely don’t know though, it could just be that the people that sent these just saw my response, are fans/friends of those people and sent these. Either way, it really fucking sucks. I guess.

I honestly didnt think there’d be backlash to me defending myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. maybe I was naive in that, i even hoped i moght get an apology tho ik that wouldn’t happen. i didnt expect such cruel things. i didnt expect this at all.

When i saw these on my birthday i tried to ignore these bc i wanted to have a nice day and i thought that if i spoke about them, then the anons themselves or other people would come for me harder and i knew i wouldn’t survive that. I also just didn’t have the strength to talk about this on my birthday. I barely have the strength now, but I need to get this out of my system before the weekend in London, as I’m desperate to have a nice time there.

These asks are also not the worst of it. There were other asks about my dog which are just so disgusting. I will share them in a rb or separate post but they are awful.

The last few weeks since my bday have basically just been me trying not to seriously hurt myself because of these anons. My eating disorder and my sh have just gotten way worse bc of it, but tbh i think that’s kept me alive. if i wasn’t damaging myself, then id be dead. Even tho I’ve turned asks off, i still come on here scared that these people would’ve done something to my account or have targeted my other accounts. they haven’t yet, but someone was trying to get into my ao3 a few weeks ago and idk who that could be but maybe it was one of these ppl who sent the anons??

I know these people are just trolls who are powerless without anonymity, but i cant help but just believe them and give into hurting myself even more. i was already really struggling mentally after what went down and seeing these has just made it worse.

I’m very much used to ableism in my life, but not rly like this. i didnt rly think ppl like this existed anymore. it makes me sad to know there are people like this out there.

i dont know who sent them or what they get out of sending them. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was just defending myself from very serious false accusations against me, i don’t understand why these people hate me so much. I haven’t done anything. idk what ppl have been saying about me (if anything) and unless its more serious accusations then i don’t care. i literally havent done anything wrong. im so sick of this shit. I’m so done with everything. It’s obvious that there are so many people who just want me to die, including myself. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand this. If you hate me that much, at least have the courtesy to hate me without the mask of anonymity.

I’m scared posting this will lead to me being further targeted by these anons / other people, but idc. if they come after me and it kills me, then it kills me. so what. im too tired to care anymore. I just wanted to get this out there, so maybe i can enjoy my weekend and try and not think abt these anons as much anymore.

i don’t know who sent the anons or why but i hope you got what you wanted.

That’s all. I will post the asks about my dog in a minute. I apologise for posting such negative things but i just can’t take it anymore its been haunting my brain for like weeks now i just want it to go away. I sort of had the confidence to talk abt these now which is why I’m here today. I’m sorry. if those anons are reading this then pls just leave me alone. i havent done anything wrong.

#tw anon hate #tw hate #tw sh #tw ed #tw ed mention #tw suicide #tw ableism

[elftwink]

i’m not sure i have anything insightful to say about this but for days ive been thinking abt gun girl construing lil nas x saying “yeah and i might fuck your dad” as a rape threat and i finally figured out exactly what was so familiar about it and it’s that it’s a near identical move to when t*rfs accuse trans women of rape threats for saying “suck my dick”. and like i said i don’t have any particular insights to add here it’s just such an extreme form of playing the victim and its always predicated on the idea that the person they’re accusing is inherently predatory in some way. because it’s such an obviously flimsy accusation backed by “evidence” that is laughed away by anybody with even a little bit of common sense and yet soooooo many people take these kind of crocodile tears accusations seriously because it gives them an excuse to pretend xyz person or group are dangerous predators

#good idea generator #rape ment / #also re: the suck my dick thing. i see t*rfs doing that literally every single time i go to block one of them #it seems to be a veryyyy common move. one time a saw a t*rf do that and them immediately make jokes abt the trans suicide rate #suicide ment / #i think ppl dont like to talk about it because the accusations are very serious so you dont want to treat it lightly #or not that ppl dont like to talk about it. im sure they are im not trying to be like 'why is nobody talking about this' #its just like. difficult to talk about i think. #but also come ON. its so clearly full of shit. nobody on the planet thinks someone tweeting 'suck my dick' is a threat #nobody thinks 'im gonna fuck your dad' is a THREAT. like a genuine actionable threat #and if they are saying they do think that they're lying for ulterior motives #like lets not pretend theyre stupid or scared. theyre lying. its malicious. and theyre doing it on purpose. you know? #or they see it as a threat because they view the person saying it as inherently threatening. which is not better

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

#angus.txt #getting deep in here but it felt good to write #i love u all so much ok pls be good urselves

[bellwitchfaggot]

What are your opinions on kinning?

I...cant tell if this is like a bait anon but I'm gonna answer transparently:

I am a kinnie and I have been a kinnie since I was 13 and I was kind of a member of the original kin community on tumblr just being upfront DIDKDKRKFKFKFFKFKFK. My ex best friend and roommate who I had a huge falling out with in january was uhhh. The person who introduced kinning to tumblr in 2010. That's not a lie, and now any time he realizes I've turned anon back on he sends me petty hate anons till I turn it off again. Take from that what you will

For a lot of people it's not that serious, which is fine. For a lot of people, it's a spiritual thing (if u dont get how it's a spiritual thing, I'm not really in a place to even begin to explain). For me, it's a schizophrenia thing and my kinning comes from a place of delusions. In my personal opinion, most more serious kinning is a delusion thing, altho I dont talk about that a lot cuz a lot of ppl dont like it. I believed it was a spiritual thing (was a pagan and witch for years) literally up until last november when I had my first acute psychotic episode, was hospitalized, diagnosed with schizophrenia, and then realized 90% of the things I believed in life were delusions

The thing is theres a literal clinically researched type of delusion called zoanthropy (basically the official name for clinical lycanthropy) which in the dsm is. Basically word for word the same experience people who kin very seriously have with kinning. It's my personal belief as a schizophrenic kinnie that most kinning people take very seriously is a form of zoanthropy delusion. I dont like. Derail kinnies posts or go into kinnies homes accusing them of believing delusional, that would be rude, but based on my own experience with kinning as well as with witchcraft and paganism being a years long delusion for me, I cannot personally believe that it's anything more spiritually deep than a vaguely dormant mental health issue. Again I'm basing this 100% off my real world experiences so dont come for me for like. Being schizophrenic thanks

Also because of the way schizo spectrum stuff affects your brain most ppl who will go on to be diagnosed in adulthood show certain symptoms as younger people, including "non malicious" psychosis (such as...believing you are not human or not yourself), and every schizophrenic adult I know (including ones who dont know what "kinning" is) can corroborate that they had similar experiences as teenagers. What I'm saying is I think that psychiatrists should list kinning as a symptom of schizophreniform (/j)

#asks #long post #anonymous #i think a lot of people dont want to acknowledge it as a delusion cuz they think that makes it bad or unhealthy but #delusions are just delusions you csnt like. change or help them

[saitouh]

friend 1: wait, gintxxxjustaxxx made edits with ep 139 🤔

friend 2: she spazzed over a new tsukuyo art 🙄

lmao why do you do this every. single. time you are called out for your shit? why do you try so hard, aero? do you know at which point it becomes obvious that you are over-compensating? don’t you have “novels” to write? aren’t you a very, very busy author who “isn’t around much anymore” ? don’t you have “schoolwork” to do? why do you care what ppl say about you if it’s all untrue and we are all “liars” anyway? 

seriously, why do you try. so. hard. to prove that you dont hate tsukuyo each. time. you are called out? 

do you think this is going to negate all the vile shit you have spouted about her? do you think this is going to somehow justify all the heinous accusations you hurled at her fans? do you think doing this is going to make it okay that you laughed and joined in the ridicule when a disgusting anon messaged you and called someone else a whore?

You quickly make tsukuyo edits, quickly reblog gintsuki arts right after being called on your hateful bs every single time - this is so much like how you gaslight people after attacking them - “Let me know if you need any more help!” or, “If you need anything cleared up, message me again!"

Lmao why do you think such a fcking conduct is acceptable????

Should I slap you in the face and then say, “Let me know if you need anything next time! ^_^”

??????

You’ve done this shit REPEATEDLY and you keep doing it and you are STILL doing it.

i would have maybe felt a tiny bit sorry for your pitiful ass if i weren’t still so furious with you making up such a serious lie about me and other people “mocking your rape”, and you doing all those horrendous shit to my friends and other ppl like lats. how could you find it in yourself to do such a despicable thing, i’m still at a loss for words. no words could vebalize my disgust with you. i will keep repeating this for as long as you and your followers still keep up with this act, for as long as you and your followers still unrepentantly harass my friends and me.

And you have to nerve to whine about me never having spoken to you in private. You expect ME, someone you lied about “mocking your rape”, something I didn’t do, TALK TO YOU,???? CIVILLY? This shit is so hilarious I would’ve howled and cried if it weren’t so fcking disgusting.

Btw. Have you ever noticed how inconsistent you are? it is especially obvious when you blab on and on and on. Do you keep track of the lies you have told?

You were clearly desperate to chase me off like what you did to the others. You wanted people to believe you so badly, that I “mocked your rape”. I stated explicitly how you have lied about that several times and finally on Tumblr. And the only things you’re still going on with is, “saitouh is vicious, that’s how she is” facade. All of you really expected that I would run and hide like all the others you have bullied (i don’t blame them, they’re traumatised by the group-mobbing). Sucks to be you I’m not your usual victim. 

Do you have actual friends irl beyond your online persona? Oh wait. You going to jump into defensive mode later, and tell an “anon” who will conveniently message you right after my post, just like what you’ve done so many times before. They will say, ohmygod, that crazy chick saitouh is STILL at it! (Doesn’t matter that queen mother aero is still at it, trying hard to compensate by reblogging tsukuyo, gushing insincerely like a clown in a field) 

And you will passionately tell them how you have so many offline “friends”, that they’re all so amazing, and you are sooo happy you couldn’t bother with “toxic people who are worthless and just jealous of you online”, that ppl like me are sooo “vicious” they can’t get to you anyway, because you are “so successful”, you’re a “lion” on a throne who doesn’t bother with the opinions of “sheep” (i still can’t believe u actually typed and posted this deranged shit out), and then you would act like you are soo appreciative of anon’s “sweetness”, aksjhdajkhasjkah. Or are you going to turn a 180 degrees and spin out another sob story how your friends have let you down all your life? That they’re all the ones at fault, that I’m the one at fault, all the other people who have spoken up before were ALL at fault, and you are never the problematic one, ever? Hmm? Which option will it be? Choose your own adventure!

I’ve never mentioned you directly by name on tumblr before until now, until that big post. but you and your friends always seem to know each time what and who i was talking about whenever i threw out a post. all of you have always been automatically aware of your guilt and actions. all of you always, always bum-rush to “defend” yourselves on your blogs and twitter. this will always be fcking hilarious to me. why do you try so hard? 

I’m not a big blogger. Half my followers are inactive. I also have a good habit of not tagging my shit generally. i have an expansive block list. before tumblr took away the “number of blocked people” count, my block list (over 1000) was bigger than my followers’ list. that list grew over the last few years, because i block shit i do not want to see. but man, you people fcking proliferated all over the place. if i had a choice that could 100% guarantee me that i would not see your shit ever again, i would take it in a heartbeat. you however, you’re all so invested in me, you seem to know immediately if i had written or posted anything at all. that’s the level of stalking you have. And yet, your only defense after all of this is, “saitouh’s just jealous of me”

?????? 

You know what you have done. your followers know exactly what they have done. if i see any of your nasty ass comments anywhere near my friends again, if they even receive a single message on their currently hidden blogs or fanfic accounts, which you, or your followers still stalk after chasing them out of fandom (and you bitches even left nasty shit comments as recent as a few months ago), if you do it, if you harass them with even one word, if you do this shit to me again, i swear to buddha.

My friends have already hidden themselves for the past 2 years. They’ve never, EVER pushed for gintsuki other than the few times they stood up for her. The fact that you and your fucktard followers from a massive fucktard fandom can’t and won’t even let people quietly enjoy creating content for themselves, won’t even shut the fuck up about an innocent female character, the fact that you incessantly stalk and harass the fans, my friends, all the while you pretend on your blog that you welcome all contributors (does this fandom really belong to you?), you really make my blood boil, you fcking lying, batshit insane, bitches. 

this is just fandom. it doesn’t pay anyone’s salary. stick to your own ginhiji and gintae shit and don’t ever touch my friends again. you horrid bitches have taken this far enough since 2011. people like us who knew you since back then have already gone in and out of college and gotten jobs and you, little bambi, are still “19 years old″ and bitching about tsukuyo’s “down-spiral” because she loves gintoki. i’m so amazed to know you were just 11-12 years old back in 2011, and already so well-versed in things like bondage, nsfw, yaoi, anal sex, and getting so excited over them. I’m so amazed at the level of your writing skill when you were a pre-teen. 11-12 years old and already writing so fluidly about boy sex. i'm repeating. but i will repeat it for as long as you continue your fake shit. keep your manure-filled mouths closed about tsukuyo and do not touch her, too. 11-12 years old and already know how to criticize female characters for loving male characters. Alright! I BELIEVE IT! 

Being fake does not compensate for an ugly heart. Making edits and reblogging tsukuyo arts are not going to neutralize all the vile, heinous shit you have done. It’s not going to fool anyone into believing that you actually like tsukuyo, either. not after calling her a rapist, and then saying her fans who support her are rape apologists/ mocking rape victims. well, maybe you can fool the really ignorant little pimpernels, i guess.

Your little charades don’t help you the slightest bit. I would have been shook if I didn’t already know that’s how you and your whole circle are. 

#insane fandom bitches #fucking sociopaths #every fandom has one who does not act like a normal person at all #gintamajustaway #x

[youseriousjayse]

Oh shit. I wanna fuck my boss. This is...not good.

I stg I barely caught myself from just walking over and kissing them while they were saying something ridiculous after the shop was closed. Oh fuck oh fuck. THis is bad. They’re married and have kids and they seem like a good person but sometimes…I definitely think they’ve flirted w me before. And I seem to be a favourite for no apparent reason. They talk about their spouse and their personal life all the time to me (esp their spouse), but I’ve only ever heard them mention their spouse like twice to other workers. And they compare me to their spouse all the time. Always saying I sound just like them or I do this or that just like them. ANd I would definitely go for it if it was an option which prob makes me a horrible person, but that’s okay I already knew that. 

Idk how they manage to be both “ur really hot” and “ur the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” It’s maddening. And they’re so fucking funny and that’s my weakness and they’re always trying to make me laugh. idek how old they are. in their twenties im 96% certain. Im horrid at guessing age. there’s def at the v least 5 yrs b/t us. but idrk. I don’t even hypothetically want anything serious. I literally just wanna be able to fuck them and feel mushy about them on the side and end it when I leave next july. Obv this isn’t ever going to happen but thinking about it hypotheticlly helps me short my shit out. idk. idk. i really like thm and they seem to like me. And the thing is it’s not even just about wanting to fuck them. I care about their kids and that means a lot bc i fucking hate kids and one of theirs is an attention whore and i rlly hate that type of kid. but i like them bc they are my boss’s kids and my boss loves them. And I love hearing more about them (even tho it’s always p sad shit about them acting up in school and always being upset bc my boss is never home)

Just…..wow. if anyone needed more proof im fucked up. have at it.

Seriously tho on the seeming interested in me and showing favouritism front, they are…so protective of me. Like they are Never like this with the other employees, and it’s definitely not like I can’t defend myself. The most marked example would be the guy who runs the bodega across the street.

He came in one day, screaming about how my manager had accused his son of stealing. So they were like, I’m not sure what you’re talking about but I’m sorry if there was some sort of miscommunication. And he just kept screaming at them and calling them a little bitch and a f*ggot repeatedly, and threatening to bash their fucking head in. And they were just taking it all very calmly and professionally and saying ‘I don’t recall this happening, I’m sorry if you heard differently’ even though he was physically pushing them and still threatening them and calling them all sorts of things. Then he finally left, but not twenty minutes later he came back, just as angry, shouting the same stuff and hurling around slurs and threats and pushing my manager around. Again, they kept very calm and responded reasonably and evenly the same stuff they had before.

Again he eventually left. But then he decided he had apparently still not had enough so he came back a third time. Just as angry as before, just as hostile and antagonising. The assistant manager on duty had come up front the last time to see what was happening, but had not intervened. However this time she tried to help, also calmly saying the same things as the manager. She had been working the day before and seen the guy’s kid come in and nothing like that had happened, so he started calling her a lying fucking bitch and saying he was gonna kill both of them, and kept more and more violently shoving my manager, which they continued to just calmly take.

Eventually the guy was just was repeatedly calling them a f*ggot again and again and again. And I, also calmly, asked if he could just please stop saying that word and he fucking rounded on me and started really laying in calling me a little bitch and all sorts of things, which I didn’t react to at all, because I have an excellent poker face. But I have Never seen my manager angry at all. Not even a little bit. But they were fucking furious, and they shoved him roughly back to the door (mind you he’s a big fuckin guy) And got right up in his face and fucking snarled Get The FUCK Out Of My Store (I did Not know actual snarling words was a thing, I thought it was just smth writers said to make the angry words more emphatic, but it is a Thing™) and shoved him straight through the door. And then they just took a deep breath and turned back around calmly as ever and was like ‘sorry about that’ to the other customers and started rearranging the counter like usual.

And that whole situation has come up twice since then when we were talking (it was months ago), and both times they were like yeah it was whatever, but when he started yelling at You I fucking snapped. And I’m like. Yeahhh how do I take this. Because I am not defenseless and I don’t look like it and I’m not tiny or fragile looking, we have several other employees more likely to feel the impulse to protect but,,,they never do? It never even seems to occur to them?

Just the other day I had a lady come in who was clearly spoiling for a fight. Rude and aggressive as fuck, but I treated her calmly and professionally bc that’s what I do, but she just kept saying dumb shit, so I kept responding, not in any offensive or upset way, just repeating the facts in a calm manner. She really started yelling and was like 'I don’t like ur fuckin attitude you keep talking back you’re getting all smart with me.’ And I (again. Very calmly.) Explained that I was simply answering the questions she asked. And she was like Where’s your fuckin manager bc you’re being rude as fuck you just keep talking back.

So my manager was at the register next to(?) mine(the counter is like an L shape and has registersat either side of the corner). And they turned around and said 'I don’t hear anything unprofessional or rude’ but she kept yelling over them and talking about how rude I was, so they kept saying I wasn’t doing anything wrong, so they were like 'Okay you can go now. Please leave the store’ and gave her the corporate number when she asked for it angrily, saying she was gonna complain about us (like so??? Fine. Here’s my name and the store # idgaf).

After she left and we took care of the couple of customers left they turned to me and were like 'wow she was really spoiling for a fight.’ And I was 'yeah I mean I saw it when she came in and was super aggressive right off the bat. She was so angry for no reason. Like…chill lol’ and they gave me a sort of look and were like 'I don’t know how you deal with that (((which, mind you, every employee, and Definitely them, deals w shit like that without going off))) I feel like it bothers me a lot more when they get like that to you, than it actually bothers you’. I just shrugged, but again……they dont,,,,do that for other employees. They always stick their neck out for me or get angry (I mean as close as they get to angry, excepting the thing w the bodega owner) on my behalf. It’s…what am I supposed to make of that?

Literally if they’re around and a customer tells me to lighten up or smile or smth (bc my face is just really unexpressive unless I put a lot of effort in) they’ll just smoothly come over and be like 'I’ve got the smile for ya’ or if someone is being aggressive or harrasing about it, they won’t even pretend to be cheerful and nice, they’ll just be like 'My employees don’t get paid to smile.’ Which,,,I’m not the only one who never smiles. Actually it’s just my manager and one of the assistant managers that always smile. The rest of us are p brusque and more obviously dead inside and dislike interacting with people. But again, they’ve never done that or said anything for another employee (that I know of, obv I’m not always around, but I’m around enough to feel like I practically live there).

And just. Bloody hell, they will talk about aggressive customers and tell me the customer got in their face and will be like 'seriously, like this’ and move their face so we’re barely not touching. Like. ???!?!?!????? And they get real close to me and brush by me a lot. Mind you, they do not do this to other employees (esp the face thing), but they’ll like lean over my shoulder to look at my paperwork or make fun of me (not like in a mean way just something stupid) or they’ll come over to put their numbers in (bc we need higher clearance on the computers for like,,,almost everything it’s so stupid) and they’ll like get right up next to me or squeeze in front of me. Which again, they do not do to others, and no other employee does that to me or anyone else.

If this was a book ppl would be pissed about the slow burn like Okay Why Aren’t Things Happening Already??! But unfortunately real life and an actual human being is more complicated than that. And I don’t know what to do with it.

~update: they just turned thirty. Fuck. I’m just barely twenty.

Edit: New jeans. very nice new jeans. dammit please stop rearranging the shelves in front of me while i’m trying to work, your ass is distracting. And a new tight tight jacket too and they wear it with the sleeves pushed up right below the elbow and that’s just. Always hot. The fucking jeans together with that stupid cursed jacket makes it incredibly difficult to look away. They’re just hhhhhhhhh I can’t. This is. So much.

YEAH I could prolly go on about them forever, but I know this is super obnoxiously long. I don’t know who I’m apologising to tho bc literally nobody reads this. Which is prolly why I overshare but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#personal #serious fucking angst

[norman-reedus-gossip-mod]

Bulk... last one

Anon:I don’t think NR himself had to delete any hate comments (while filimg at the same time…). The (5 or 6) accounts hating on his IG were created solely to slander him. They got called out by a lot of people, they got reported by people like me for spamming and harassement. And the IG support deleted them rather quickly within hours so of course their posts were deleted, too.

Anon:I can’t help but think everyone wtf-ing over what’s going on with NR and DK is so similar to what happened when NR got with CS. Everyone was totally confused then too because he was spending as much time as possible with her while simultaneously denying her existence. I’m seeing a pattern here.

Anon:Since I’m new to all this “gossip”, I have a question about this anon in your bulk, “Sadly he is still in his fwb with her and the other lady who we won’t name out of respect even tho he wants more with her” OK, fwb is DK, but who is the other lady? Is it an old g/f? I’m so lost, help. ~~mod~~ not sure. try one of the blind gossip site its probably something to do with a reveled blind.

Anon:This is for the fans who comment “don’t assume things, let them have privacy, he has to keep quiet to protect her”. Read this carefully. It is FACT, not speculation, that DK pays paps and tabloids for those pics and articles. The pic of her leaving NYC was set up, down to her accessories. And the Barcelona pap pic. They could easily have privacy, just dont tip off the paps! She clearly wants to go public, he doesn’t. So NR fans worried about his privacy should take it up with Diane!

Anon:Wow, for fans of NR you all sure don’t give him credit for being a loyal friend. You think he will dump her just because a handful of hateful fans are hurt? What kind of friend would that be? And I will never get how you all KNOW she paid for the pap shots. Did you see the receipt for the job? Someone got lucky and sold those shots to TMZ. That’s all. Why don’t you let him have a life? She may not be someone who you would pick but you didn’t. He did.

Anon:I understand nobody on this blog likes to believe blinds but the truth is they have all been right all along and today they are saying DK was allowed to Spain on a drunk upset promise from Norman if she did not call the paps. She broke that promise. Apparently she 100% called the paps and there is stuff the source cannot reveal at the moment but something big went down.~~mod~~ its not that I or we don’t believe , it just something they are right, sometimes wrong, made completely up or is a combo of all of them. just like any gossip site. Grain of salt.

Anon:Hi mod, i have a question!! Daily Mail also published some DK pictures in Barcelona. Do you think she paid them?~~mod~~ possible or they picked it up from Just Jared.

Anon:I know your bulk post is already gonna be a little crazy, but the one thing I find odd is this. DK and N were seen like once together last year, if they’ve been hiding a secret relationship, wouldn’t there be more photographic proof? If they are doing the hippity dippity, it’s got to be a recent development. Am I extremely naive for thinking this?~~mod~~ not naïve at all. everyone has their own take on what they thing is going on based on what we can see

Anon:This poor guy will NEVER be able to have any kind of normal relationship with anyone. Most of these rabid fans, deep down, are shitting bricks BECAUSE THEY think they will one day have some random chance with NR. Seriously..what the fuck other reason is there? He doesn’t owe anyone one fucking bit of explanation. You DO NOT KNOW THE MAN AND WILL NEVER ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. No wonder he takes Cookie with him everywhere. Some of you sound fucking dangerous. I don’t blame him.

Anon:NR and DK have been spotted together more and more frequently in the past few months. Do you think it’s on purpose? As in their way to test the waters and see how people will react to their relationship? Or do you think they are just recently starting to see each other more often and becoming closer?

Anonymous said: DK may be awesome, she may be a b***h. I don’t know, but I do think NR is disrespecting her. She dated JJ. This isn’t her first time around the block. She gets the internet hate, it’s not new to her. She is worth more than Norman. She hasn’t hid her previous relationships. Why now? To protect NR? Ridiculous. She is hiding her idenity in a hoodie? He needs to man up and accept her. He’s not that famous. I say this as a Norman fan, but also as a woman.~~mod~~ fair point

Anon: Going through the comments on all the sites posting NR & DK fiasco.. the one consistency is that N is a drinker, has to be carried out of bars and this is as early as last summer. Lots of mean posts about his looks and hygiene and his love of the younger women at cons. I know he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’ve never seen this much hate that isn’t in connection with the whole affair (or whatever it is). Makes me sad.

Anon:I dunno about this. I don’t think Norman is lying. I don’t think he would put out an official statement saying they were just friends if he were going to be immediately caught in that being a lie just two weeks later. I can’t explain her behavior but unless they officially come out I don’t know if this is anything other than a publicity stunt going horribly wrong.

Anon: In which galaxy is it a bad thing to remove abusive posts from your own sm accounts? The entitlement is strong in these people. They want access to his private life, they want to dictate his private life, they want their abusive messages all over his sm. Jesus. They need to back away from their keyboards because this isn’t normal behavior. Its very ironic as they’re the ones saying he’s a terrible person yet they are spouting threats and abuse and having obsessive and intrusive behaviors.

Anon: Honestly, the reason N won’t admit to a relationship is because his ego is as big as his bank account. All the little girls will stop liking him and he’ll have no fans. Stop being a pussy Norman, own up to it and maybe you’ll gain respect because you were honest!

Anon: When Norman is silent on the DK situation he gets berated by “fans” saying he needs to man up and stop trying to hide. When he does speak up and his reps say they are just friends he gets accused of being a liar and trying to deceive fans. If he came out and said they were in a romantic relationship he would be dragged for having a bad taste in women and be called a fool and a cheat. He literally cannot win. There is no outcome that would make these “fans” happy. I feel so sorry for Norman.

sissibr69 : What did you want him to say in the press release? I like this girl and to have sex with her, who is also wanting, but at that moment we do not want to, or we can not have a commitment and we continue to have sex and see what will happen ….?You do not say that in a press release, you could only say they were just friends. If he had done that, he would have been unkind and mean to her.Normam Reedus likes so much of controversy, that we have in another site another rumor reserve waiting for us, with another person, who is a real novel and is connected to this.Talk bad, but talk about me. I think that’s the current relationship status of this couple.I like him, he seems like a nice guy. I do not think you’re a liar or a cheater.This is his best blog and Mod you are what makes the job more serious and free as a moderator. Congratulations! ~~mod~~ are you flirting with me sissibr69? I like it

hifilightslow: You are a saint if you read though those bulk posts. I couldn’t stop cackling. Those pics of DK are fab. I wish she would have went with the black glasses that have the fake nose and mustache though to keep herself incognito. Oh well maybe next time.~~mod~~ dead

Anon:Well, Feralcatpro has had some very telling IG posts since Sunday … can’t help but think it’s related to the DK/NR debacle. And I think HC put DK on notice by liking her pic. She’s watching you, DK.

Anon:So Mod, what’s your verdict after Spain. Do you think they are indeed dating and in a relationship. I think I am the only person who really does believe they are just good friends that hang out.~~mod~~ you not the only one. I don’t have a verdict. mainly because I don’t care, is that bad. whatever they are or aren’t doing it just looks weird.

Anon:Mod I think it was a publicity stunt for her. Ppl are saying that they were trying to hide and it’s not true b/c Norman took fan photos with DK there like he was showing that he had NOTHING to hide. The fans calling her his gf were just assuming that b/c he was with a woman. DK then goes and strolls the streets of Barcelona (which isn’t hiding no matter how much she wanted it to look like she was) so this sounds like a piss poor publicity stunt gone wrong and has made Norman look TERRIBLE.~~mod~~ he needs a nap maybe

Anon:Very interesting …. Helena liked DK’s throwback modeling photo. Wonder if that’s her subtle way of saying she’s watching her? Also, Liz has been posting some pretty interesting messages. Just an observation.

Anon:I wonder if Norman could give Diane some tips on how to give the paparazzi the slip? I mean he’s never papped in NYC at his place, Best Buy, where the f***ever. Fan pics sure but no paps. Diane apparently gets followed on her own street, doing her laundry every week, in NYC, LA, Spain! In fact the only time all year NR was papped for tabloids was while in a parking garage with DK…right after the paps had caught her alone on the street. Crazy, right?! Those paps sure do seem obsessed w/DK! 😒~~mod~~ is this sarcasm. are you making a funny anon

Anon:Maybe unpop opinion but what did Norman say or do in Spain that was shady? He said DK is “just a friend”. She was there/on his bike while he was with fans. How is that being shady? Meanwhile, it’s *Diane* who 1) got a NYC pap pic w/her luggage 2) showed on IG she was in Europe 3) Got her pap shot “hiding” in Spain 5) Has a deal w/DM for every article. Fandom: Ever wondered why there are never “Norman sneaks to meet Diane” pics or Norman-centric tabloid articles? Why the focus is DK? Wake up.

Anon:if you were lucky to be dating NR and it wasdecided by the two of you that being discreet is necessary because the celebrity status needed to be managed due to professional impact would you wear the same identifiable clothing that your were pap in NY in Spain while you were with him in public? You would if you wanted the world to know it’s me folks, DK. All the lies are now truths and then some. NR needs to get his shit straight. His publicist looks like a freakin idiot and lousy professional.

[anonymoustalks]

The thing is society dosen't really care for men and even many me don't seem to care for men, it's like both men and women never care about men's problems

(6-20-20) You both like Feminism.

You: hiyo

Stranger: Hi

You: what's on your mind?

Stranger: Many things.

You: mhm, anything that you want to talk about?

Stranger: Yours?

You: religion

You: my last conversation was about religion

Stranger: The feminist cult religion?

You: nope, I was on the religion tag

Stranger: Okay.

Stranger: I'm so not religious lol

You: is there a word for anti-feminist?

You: I'm not religious either

Stranger: There is, it is anti-feminist.

Stranger: That's it lol

You: it's a dull word

Stranger: Or anti-feminism.

You: so you are anti-feminism?

Stranger: I don't know but i don't support feminism and i hate most feminiets, the majority of feminists are scum and extremists.

You: mhm I support feminism

Stranger: Well good for you at least you know what you want.

You: mhm and you don't know what you want?

Stranger: I do but i cannot get it.

You: oh what exactly do you want?

Stranger: I want a boyfriend. I am gay.

You: ahh gl with that

Stranger: Gl?

You: good luck

You: where are you from?

Stranger: So do you fund feminists groups?

Stranger: America

You: mhm I donated once to the HRC

You: which supports both lgbt and feminism

Stranger: What's hrc?

You: human rights campaign

Stranger: Ohh

You: I donated 20 dollars to them and then they didn't stop calling me

Stranger: You donated to help what?

Stranger: Why didnt they stop calling you?

You: well if you donate once you're listed as a potential donor

You: so then they keep calling you hoping you'll donate again

Stranger: Yikes!

Stranger: So what did you do?

You: I think it's kind of common

You: I just said I wasn't going to donate

Stranger: What do they use your money for?

You: it's like your typical phone canvasing

You: colleges and univesities do that too

Stranger: I see.

You: they're an advocacy and lobbying group

You: so I think you'd probably dislike them

Stranger: What do they advocate for?

Stranger: It's okay, we're just having a convo.

You: oh that lobby for the passage of pro-lgbt bills in congress

You: *they lobby

Stranger: Are you from america?

You: yes

You: like big industries like guns and pharma all have lobbies in congress -- which means they spend millions to convince politicians to vote a certain way

You: for like other things, the money that goes to lobbying comes from ordinary ppl

Stranger: What's your opinion on metoo and the believeallwomen hashtag?

You: mhmm

Stranger: I mean woudn't you say metoo is toxic?

You: yeah I would say there are circumstances that it is kinda toxic

You: but I think it's important to speak out if you get sexually harrassed

You: there's a long history in the us of women staying silent

Stranger: I do and i would to but that does not justify accusing someone of rape when they did not do it.

Stranger: 2 wrongs don't make a right.

You: mhm, what percentage of people #metoo-ing do you think are lying?

Stranger: I'm saying we shoudn't believe all women cause the stats say 2% to 10% of women lie about rape.

Stranger: I can't even imagine how many more men might have been falsely imori

Stranger: Imprisoned for something they never did.

You: sure, although I think it's good that these 90-98% of women who aren't lying are speaking up now

You: a majority of rape cases are dismissed

You: overwhelming majority

Stranger: I'm not saying they shoudn't cause they should but we need solid evidence before accusing someone of being a rapist

You: sure

You: although I think everyone should have the right to speak their story

Stranger: If anyone tries to rape me of course i would speak up in a heartbeat.

You: I think some companies may overreact in some circumstances to firing someone who get's #metoo'd

You: but I think people should be able to speak up and say it happened

Stranger: Because of false accusations men have killed themeselves and entered years in prison.

You: I mean the imprisonment thing I think that's just not true

You: so few accusations ever lead to prison time

You: I think you could say many men have lost their jobs

Stranger: Are you sure?

You: yup, I'm sure

Stranger: There is news on it.

Stranger: Men have told their stories.

Stranger: Search on youtube

You: yeah, but if they're convicted by a trial and jury, that legitimately means there was like evidence

You: like a dna test or sperm or things like that

You: us courts do not convict without evidence

Stranger: I dont know about that i mean people always see to believe women even without evidence

You: mhm, but the legal system hasn't changed in the US at all

You: I think more ppl are concerned about their employers believe claims and getting fired from their jobs

Stranger: I heard stories where men spent many years for a rape they did not do

You: yes, but you can't get convicted unless there is some evidence that convinces the jury

You: sometimes there can be bad evidence though

You: but it's the same thing of ppl going to prison for murder they didn't commit

You: a rape charge is very serious in the US, and you can't get convicted without serious evidence

Stranger: The jury can just call anything evidence whether it is real or not.

You: mhm idk, it can be sometimes hard to argue dna tests and stuff like that

Stranger: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DO5yrFOX5vh0&ved=2ahUKEwjuhr7l15HqAhWs63MBHVavCq8Qo7QBMAN6BAgCEAE&usg=AOvVaw2Nj1O1PtJHVUDh-T9RW6Bq

Stranger: Maybe you should watch this video, of you want to that is.

You: but again, a lot of ppl support abolishing the death penalty, because there are times when the justice system convicts the wrong ppl

You: but this isn't a problem seen just in rape cases in general

You: it happens with murder convictions and other crimes

You: rape doesn't get special treatment in us courts

Stranger: But why are there so many men in prison for a rape they did not commit then?

You: mhm..... idk, you will have to look up statistics for that

Stranger: Okau

Stranger: Okay

Stranger: Are you like a liberal btw?

You: yup

Stranger: A hillary supporter?

You: lol hillary isn't running

Stranger: I know but you voted for her?

You: versus trump lol?

You: of course

Stranger: Is it true that all feminists believe men have it much easier than women?

Stranger: I just don't see how anyone could think that.

You: well I don't really think that's the case

You: I think each gender has its problems

Stranger: I sometimes feel ny life would be easier if i was a woman.

You: mhm how so?

Stranger: Well i feel like i woudn't be told to man up

You: right

Stranger: People would be more concerned about my mental help

Stranger: I think people woudn't be so hard on me

You: mhm I think it's bad that you had to go through all those things

Stranger: I always felt like the female gender is the privileged gender.

You: idk I think for me it's hard to say one gender is more "privileged" than the other

You: but for me, I think about women who can't get a promotion because her boss thinks she will get pregnant

Stranger: You're entitled to your opinion, i am not trying to change your mind. Just sharing my views.

You: mhm totally

You: you are too

You: so I think there are challenges in different areas

You: and I think society should work together to improve issues experienced by both genders

Stranger: The thing is society dosen't really care for men and even many me don't seem to care for men, it's like both men and women never care about men's problems

Stranger: The suicide rate of men is so high and that upsets me everyday.

You: I think society should care for men, and we should change culture so that society does

Stranger: People still believe me cannot get raped.

You: a lot of ppl tell me that feminists want to "emasculate" men when we say that we should encourage it so that it's more acceptable for men to talk about their feelings

You: and express feelings and talk about their emotions

Stranger: If a woman rapes a man then people think it's not possible and that pisses me off.

You: yeah rape can happen to anybody

You: you were raped? :c

Stranger: No but i am worried about the men who did get raped.

You: mhm

Stranger: I just want to prevent men from getting raped.

You: rape is bad, and I think it's important to look at what we can do to improve it

Stranger: Men are usually less likely to speak up if they are being raped or sexually assaulted.

You: right

You: I think men should speak up

You: or I think we should make the culture acceptable for that

Stranger: I want them to but society also needs to advocate for them.

You: mhm, yup

You: sexual violence hurts everybody involved

Stranger: I know.

You: but yeah, if it's important to you, have you thought about getting involved?

Stranger: I dont know how to

Stranger: Maybe i should join the mens rights

You: well there are rape crisis hotlines for women, maybe you can find one for men?

You: or start one for men?

Stranger: How much would that even cost?

You: most of them are run by volunteers

You: it's basically a phone number

You: and you organize a group of ppl to pick up the phone

Stranger: What is the phone number?

You: I think it depends on the area you're from

Stranger: Oh okay maybe i will try to find out

You: the trevorproject is the lgbt suicide hotline

You: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

You: you can get trained to volunteer for them and answer the phone

Stranger: So anyways are you married?

You: nope

Stranger: Oh okay

Stranger: How old are you?

You: 26 you?

Stranger: I probably will never get married..

Stranger: 23

You: mhm why not?

Stranger: Well i am gay so i dont think i can get married lol

You: are in the US?

You: it's legal in a bunch of states now

You: supreme court also ruled on anti-discrimination too

Stranger: Not that marriage in essential anyways especially if we consider.how many people get divorced after marriage.

You: mhm if you don't want to get married I can understand that oo

Stranger: I mean marriage was always between a man and a woman so i don't know if.it is really marriage.

You: are you from a conservative state?

Stranger: I mean are there any religions who have same sex marriage?

You: idk, I'm not religious, so for me marriage is a secular union

Stranger: I am not either but marriage was created by religious people.

Stranger: Even though i am not religious i believe in a spiritual world, don't laugh lol

You: no it's fine, I understand

Stranger: Do you believe in the supernatural?

You: I think in a lot of the non-religious countries, or atheist countries, marriage still happens. Maybe the meaning has changed

You: not really

Stranger: Oh okay. So you believe in science only? I believe in both science and the supernatural

You: mhm I guess you could say I lean more towards science

You: maybe I believe in a soul, idk

Stranger: Ok

Stranger: Oh ya do you want to talk about abortion?

You: sure haha ^^

You: do you have strong feelings?

Stranger: Like what strong feelings?

You: some people have very strong opinions about abortion

Stranger: Ya i kinda do

Stranger: Why?

You: pro-life?

You: no just curious, mine are less strong

Stranger: Well i don't join groups so no but i don't like killing a fetus either

You: mhm

You: is there a particular point in pregnancy that you think abortion should be illegal?

Stranger: A fetus is still the child of that mother and father.

Stranger: I think abortion always be illegal unless maybe there are a few exceptions like if the mother will ide

Stranger: *die*

You: have you ever heard of plan b?

You: the birth control pill?

Stranger: No i have not

You: it's the day after pill

You: technically you can think of that as a kind of abortion too

You: since you're aborting the day after

You: sex

Stranger: I dont know about those birth control thingies

Stranger: I dont have a lot of knowledge on many things

You: oh

Stranger: Lol

You: it takes a long time for the fetus to form

You: many states have laws on what point it should be illegal to abort

You: because early on it's like microscopic

Stranger: I really need someone to teach me things i want to learn

Stranger: I think if the sperm meets the ovum and becomes one then isn't that already a life?

You: it depends on how you see it essentially

Stranger: Do you support abortion?

You: yup, up to a limit

Stranger: If i was a woman i would never abort my baby.

You: mhm I don't think I would abort either

You: but I think it's important to have a right to choose to extent

You: having a baby is a life-changing event

Stranger: I believe abortion is murder, even in the early stages i would never abort my baby.

You: mhm

You: I was talking about weeks because at certain weeks the fetus is at a different size

You: like by week 6 it's like the size of a grain of rice

Stranger: I know it is a life changing event but murder is never the answer

Stranger: So you are counting the value of your child by it's size? :(

Stranger: I a

You: mhm well, I think there's a certain point when the fetus develops a heart or a brain

You: and takes its first heartbeat

You: I think for me, before it has developed to that point

You: I mean, in a way, every sperm cell has the potential to become a baby

You: and same with every egg in menstruation

You: so for me internally, I guess we all have a point when we consider life to have started

Stranger: But i dont think sperm is the same thing as a embryo or fetus

You: mhm but the day after fertilization, it's basically just an egg with extra dna

You: from the sperm

Stranger: Are we all a sperm and a ovum according to science?

Stranger: I am curious.

You: mhm in a sense, yeah

You: there's no brain

You: so it's not thinking

Stranger: So you and i are sperms and ovums?

You: well I mean, we've grown a lot

You: I think it's unethical to kill a fetus with a beating heart and brain

Stranger: That's weird cause i never felt like a sperm and ovum

You: because I think at a certain point life has started

You: and I believe the baby has started to feel things

You: lol you wouldn't remember being a zygote (the sperm+ovum)

Stranger: What stage at birth do you think the soul enters the body.

You: mhm somewhere in between heartbeating and having a brain I think

Stranger: I know but it is hard to imagine i was ever a sperm and ovum.

You: yeah but we all started that way

Stranger: What if it was even before that? Then it would be murder :(

Stranger: But it is so weird to think of it

You: I mean, like when ppl have sex there's millions of sperm

You: if it was a different one that fertilized the egg

You: in a sense you could be someone else

You: or when a guy masturbates, those are all potential babies

Stranger: Ya but without the ovum there is no baby

Stranger: And without the sperm there is also no baby

Stranger: So we are 2 parts merged into one? That is creepy

You: lol is it?

You: I guess it's just nature

Stranger: So i am 2 beings in 1?

You: mhm you are you

You: you know another weird thing?

You: so our skin is constantly dying

Stranger: What?

You: like we shed

You: dead skin

Stranger: Ya i know that

You: how long do you think it takes before all of our skin is replaced?

Stranger: Maybe a few years?

You: yeah idk

You: sometimes I think its weird that our body now is totally different from our body a couple years ago

You: like not even the same cells

Stranger: But then why do i still have my scars?

Stranger: Why didn't my scars go away?

You: scars are like dead tissue

You: so when your skin grows, it grows around them

Stranger: Oh. Well that upsetting that they wont go away anytime soon

Stranger: I just thought since scars that arent so deep should go away since they are on the surface of my skin

You: mhm yeah idk

You: how did you get them?

Stranger: I got scratched my sharp things i guesd?

You: oh

Stranger: But some of them are not really that deep at all

Stranger: Yet the marks are still on my fingers

You: mhm

Stranger: What is mhm?

You: oh, it's just a sound of agreeing

Stranger: Are you planing to get married?

You: maybe

You: I think I will probably get going

You: it was nice talking to you

Stranger: Ok

You: bye, I wish for the best

Stranger: Where will you be going?

You: hm? maybe clean a little

Stranger: Ok bye

You: bye

You have disconnected.

#omegle #feminism #metoo #rape #men's rights #abortion #lgbt

[ilygsd]

200918: 1

someone fuck me in the asshole honestly im shocked how can this dude NOT UNDERSTAND??? hes really good at cognitive empathy, he has a nice moral compass he follows ”be kind, be nice” but he cant fucking FEEL what hes doing

and like....... thats important to me??? and apaprebtly NO ONE has ever criticized him for it or whatever? like his ”intentions”?? ofc he cant help he doesnt feel emotional empathy but he literally cant spot the DIFFERENCE!!! he’s like ”as long as im kind and a nice human being” like bitch NOO!!!! i like you!!! you ”like” me, but you like me bc u think im interesting and you think we can learn from each other. which also is important OF COURSE!! but BITCH I LIKE YOU BC I FEEL FOR YOU THATS DIFFERENT

we’ve known each other for like 3 weeks, met 5 times and we’ve already had 3 major fights??? mainly over text/phone but still.... he’s so fycking mean? he really tries to manipulate me that ugly fucking whore!!! he guilt trips me all the fuxking time i cant say anything he’ll explode and i need to apologize or some shit otherwisw it would never end. and i know what the fuck he’s doing because i used to be the exact same. honestly we are similar in many aspecrs EXCEPT for the ”feel”-part. i feel TOO MUCH. and the difference is that im not manipulating him.... because i KNOW i cant. i know he’d see right through me, there’s no POINT

like i used to be like that too, maybe i still am. i ALWAYS win fights, no mercy. its like i turn off my empathy during fights but AT LEAST i feel AFTERWARDS!!! he doesnt. he realize he did wrong bc of his ”morality”. bitch i could CRY, because he literally scolded me over phone when i was on the bus and there was NOTHING i could do to stop him. i tried to talk to him but he only continues cus i fkn refuse to oBEY HIS ORDERS??? but i cant hang up either cus then he’d never talk to me again and i’d feel like shit......

he’s pretty calm irl, ive never seen him angry irl and i hope i never will holy SHIT!!! he’s so good at hurting, like he turns everything youve ever said to him against you. he’s so fucking good at it cus he’s so god damn good at reading people. thats what makes him so charming. i DONT UNDERSTAND how can his precious girlfriends not have CARED??? apparently i’m the first to criticize him and one of the few to trigger him and im like..... bruh how?? i literally dont say anything and you fucking explode?? are your family and friends blind??? are you doing this to me because you THINK the manipulation will work??

also...... he sees it as something positive that sick bastard. hes like ”well i think this could be good” and im like ”uhhhh bitch it is I who get scolded???” and hems like ”but i feel and too :((” he’s such a fkn dumbass. this is his politics too. he believes in reverse racism and is probably sexist too smhhh. i was like ”are u dumb, u hit me in the face and tell me its bad for you too bc u feel vad abt hitting me??”

i am impressed by how he chose to ve ”kind” or whatever instead of psycho even though i still think he’s selfish and does it for his own gain aka he LOVES to learn things, experience things. he’s very ambitious, energetic and curious. but he doesnt understand. he’s like ”well im kind to you thats all that matters?”

the thing is, he’s not even kind??? he basically forced me to taste his disgusting vanilla coffee OTHERWISE he would take the blanket away??? he sees it as teasing and it kind of is yeah..... if i didnt know that his 1000% serious?? he honestly think its a ducking compromose?? im lile ”uhh a improvisera would be for me to taste a little coffee and then you to give me another blanket or AT LEAST stop nagging”

and when i finally tasted the ugly coffee he wanted to know if i thought it was good and i said ”yeah its ok” bc im not a liar, it was better than expected. and hes like ”thats all i wanted to hear” I KNOW BITCH, YOURE NOT THAT FUCKING SLICK ITS PRETTY FKN OBVIOUS

also he always adds rules??? everythings always on his conditions? also he kinda thinks i should be thankful for him not being an asshole??? or maybe its that i actually VRITICIZE his intentions. yeah i think that brothers him. i think he thinks it entertaining because he doesnt care when he get angry. i didnt use to either. i could just forget te fight and move on, it wasnt important to me. but fuck now when i KNOW what its like......

im like ”ur threatening me to drink coffee” and hes like ”arent u happy i put extra much vanilla for you?? i usually drink much stronger but i didnt for u? arent u happy i gave u the blanket? i actually was goong to put it on the couch and leave u cold but i didnt?” BUT HE ONLY PUT ECTRA VANILLA SO I WPULD TELL HIM IT TASTES GOOD SO HIS EGO CAN BE BOOSTED

calso he kinda forced me to drink alohol?? i was like ”im feeling like shit if i throw up its tour fault and you will have to clean up” and he’s like ”no you’ll have to clean up” BITCH I SONT EVEN WANT TO DRINK YOURE PUSHING ME

soooo many red flags fuck i really SHOULD leave now when i can and now when im not too emotionally invested. but oMG IM SO CURIOUS!!! we’re so similar yet so different!!! we can relate to each other in some ways the bad thing is that since he actually cant FEEL empathy, he doesnt BELEIVE me even when i tell him the truth. im not sad bc i want to manipulate him. im not even sad that his words are huetful even though they are, because i know he’s fucking weong. im sad because he treats me lile this. im sad because i like HIM!!! i genuinely LIKE HIM!! but he doesnt fucking understand?? he doesnt understand the difference between LIKING someone and LIKING to HANG OUT with someone. i like him because i like HIM I FEEL HIM, he only likes to hang out with me.

he talks about this as ”his way” and ”bot traditional” way of feeling. his version and definition of ”love” and ”affvtion” is so fucking weird??? we were cuddling and he said ”wow u make me feel more” LMAO BULLSHIT. I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU ONLY SAY THAT CUS U THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR

im partly okay with him being low empathy, he cant help it and i actually genuinely believe he believes he’s doing the RIGHT thing. like he believes it so much and... i guess he is?? like what choice does he have? he cant fucking feel, the least he can do is be kind anyways. he cant help that its not genuine and i guess i’ll have to accept that, but i al NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THOSE CHEAP TRICKS. i didnt say anything but i bet he would even understand if i pointed it out. he’d be like ”but its true!! i feel more with you” no bitch, you only say/think that because you WANT to be with me and now when you know thats what i want to hear thats what you say. smhhh

also i remember in the beginning when i kinda confessed and he was like ”it takes time for me to like someone” and in like???? uhhh okay? and i was anxious abt it cus i really didnt understand what the fuck we were and he just kept ”it takes time for me to like someone” to i was like ”okay but its not like im super super deeply in love with you or anything?? like.... i can like people??” BUT NOW I FUCKING UNDERSTAND HE LITERALLY MEANS BASIC ASS EMPATHY. IT TAKES TIME FOR HIM TO FEEL BASIC ASS EMPATHY FOR OTHER PEOPLE

i just dint understand how the fuck he’s able to still have a family and friends and stuff. how..... how can no one care??? i said ”theyre being manipulated” and hes like ”no i just dont think they care. they just like that im kind and dont think much abt it” but both youre not kind??? but when i tell im its not genuine he goes with the ”well we’re all egoists anyqays, we’re all doing things for ourselves, ur egoist too” yeah but i can still FEEL

i dont wanna be a dick. maybe its just me?? maybe its just because i feel so much and thats why i really NEED that genuine feeling?? no, i know why...... fuCK ME!!! i CARE because i like him 😔😔 bc i think hes so smart and interesring and i see him as someone potential and thats why i keep test him like this 😔 and its for no use because i cant change who he is 😔😔 would i care about these things with some other guy??? no. because i sont care abt them, but i care abt him and thats why 😔😔

hes not even guilt tripping me for it (wow ”yay” ) he just doesnt understand. he doesnt understand the difference or why i find it important. he just sees it as ”him being different” and ”him feeling in another way”. thats not it. this is not normal. this is because of childhood trauma and im so fucking sad for you, no offense, youre doing tour best but thats so sad

well anyways, even if i were to accept his WEIRD ASS DEFINITION OF LOVE he STILL needs to fucking stop with his abuse??????!!!! out of the 3 fights he has told me 2 times he’s going to ”try” but bitch WE KNOW HE WONT. HE CANT! HE CANT BECAUSE HE CANT FEEL WHEN ITS ENOUGH. IF HE FELT EMPATHY HE WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP. BUT HE CANT. im just waiting for him to explode someday. i literally asked him ”what should i do next time” and he’s like ”idk, i cant tell you what to do”. omg its true. theres nothing i can do, he’d still be so pissed at me no matter what. and me just asking him is such a BIG RED FLAG like we ALL KNOW.... or not him. he’s like ”maybe we wont fight” LMAO HAHAH YEA BITCH NICE TRY BUT WE WILL BC U START IT

hes so fucking sensitive. we had a misunderstanding, he started to scold me, i got mad and he kept gaslighting ”no i didnt scold you” and when i called him out on gaslighhting..... oh boy...... he got SO FUCKING MA, accuses ME of gaslighting him?? accuses me of ”starting” it with my ”passie aggressiveness” ok maybe i was passive aggressive but i WOULDNT IF HE DIDNT SCOLD ME ABOUT IT. i cant ever criticize him because he goes bananas. ok maybe im not the best to criticize others, im very....... bold. BUT I KNOW IM RIGHT??

last time he got angry because i said ”ppl listen to you bc ur a white man” and he started to bring up his childhood, told me im insensitive, theeatened me to hang up, never talk to me again if i didnt ”respect” him aka ”obey” him, he guilt truppen me, told me no one would want to me with me blah blah blah

a part of me is happy u dont really fall for that bullshit. like yes if course im HURT!!! but as i said, im not really hurt because he really is trying to hurt me. he really WANTS to hurt me. he even takes pride in it?? ”im very good at making people feel very good, and im very good at making people feel very bad” it makes me so FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I LIKE HIM I WANT HIM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND SO HE CAN GROW, THAT IS EMPATHY PEOPLE, THAT IS GENUINE LOVE

we’re so different. we use completely different tactics. when i used to manipulate my ex.... i NEVER did personal attacks like he does. i never used smth personal AGAINST them.... i was more about.... guilt tripping? more about ”u dont love me, pity me”. im not saying thats good, i was horrible but what he does is just MEAN. i dont understand how anyone can keep up with that kind of behavior. i even told him when we fought and he responded ”well i need to keep up with u”. he always does that and that actually hurts because i like him. and he knows that. he always says ”ive been sitting here, listening to you, been kind to you and....” etc. etc

WHYYYYYY am i the only one criticizing him?? WHY is he like this to me? is it because i see through his ugly acting?? is it even possible for us to ever be healthy together? we can learn from each other, no doubt. but is it healthy???

when i tell him i feel bad bc of horrible manipulative and emotional abusive things ive done he understand but hes like...... ”thats ok dont be so hard on yourself, just learn, everyone makes mistakes” but like no?? THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! he also keeps saying i’ll become like him and like ”stop caring” bc ”we cared too much before” but NO I DONT WANT TO BECOME LIKE YOU!! I ADMIRE YOUR THINKING SKILLS AND ID LIKE TO LEARN SOME OF THAT BC WERE POLAR OPPOSITES YOU THINK, I FEEL. YOU CANT FEEL, I CANT THINK AND HANDLE MY FEELINGS

i dont WANT to. thats the difference. im not satisfiera!!! i told him i dont want to apologize to my ex best friend (who i treated like shit) until it feels GENUINE and hes like ”pfft... its better than nothing. she wont know if its genuine anyways” and im like bitch.... i WANT to be genuine because i think she would appreciate it more and I would feel better about it and hes like ”oh so its cus u wanna feel good about it” OH MY GOD HES SO ANNOYING

i really should pack mt bags and run. why did i have to fall for him UGHHHHH. why do i let him treat me like this when i’d never let ANYONE else do it. its so weird, im very picku with guys. i dont fall for ANYONE. i ALWAYS pick nice and kind guys so why him? i thought he was nice, yeah fair enough, but i still like him even though he isnt? i dont think its me being awfullt desperate, i really wouldnt let anyone be like this. like BOY HE BEKIEVES IN FUXKING REVERSE RACISM DO YALL THINK I WOULD HANG IUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT??? or maybe i am desperate. yes i am. im desperate for the connection i feel. thats kinda sad. i feel a strong bond to/with him, i feel like we’ve been through some things and i still look up to him and how he has recovered. he gives me hope that i can also be happy one day. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM but i still want to learn from him. and i sont think i will ve like him because im not a sociopath. i just want to take the good stuff and then become better

omg i really am similar to him. im really here feeling superior. i do feel superior because i can feel. i feel superior and a part of me wants to use him. hes a real challenge. i dont think i can maniplate him, it would be amazing to have him feel something for me...... IH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING MESS. NO THIS IS NOT IT. I DO LIKE HIM IM NOT LIKE HIM. IM NOT THAT FUCKED UP

i get really annoyed when he claims im similar that i also want to control and manipulate and im like NO BITCH WERE SIMILAR BUT NOT HERE, like not when im trying to be calm and grown up and have us silver things, not when im crying because he huet my feelings but................ maybe hes right. or maybe hes just manipulating me??? maybe its both. ofc its both. i WAS HURT, i actually HAD anxiety!!!! if that bastard could feel, he would have known it was GENUIKE. AND HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IM TRYING TO BE CALM AND AN ASULR BECAUSE HE SURE AS HELL FUXKING ISNT AND I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU BITCH I WANT TO SOLVE THIS FOR MY OWN SAKW TOO SO I CAN BE WITH YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CHEAP WHORE WITH NO SELF RESPECT.... BUT YES OF COURSE I WANTED HIM TO FEEL FOR ME TOO. IT DISTURBS ME SO MUCH THAR I DONT HAVE AN EFFECT ON HIM HEA LIKE A STONE AND OFC IF ANYONE SAW US FIGGT I’D LOOK LIKE THE CALM ONE. hes wrong though bc i used to think like that too with my ex bff. i used to think damn shes only like that so she can feel superior to be and humiliate me but no. she was right. she was more mature than me and she did what she had to do AND THATS WHAT IM DOIKG TO SO FUCK YOU

only way for me to manipulate him would be sexually. he’s that pathetic. a fucking horny dick, thats what he is. but it wouldnt even be manipulation because honestly if hes that fucking horny then its his choice. its not like i’d ever r*pe him, i dont even wanna have sex with him that guy has some HIGH STANDARDS i feel like a virgin next to him but since im not he would also expect more smh. i dont even dare to kiss him back. im only used to virgins so they dont have any experience lmao but... fuck i cant this time

he’s so cockt though for real. he brags about this and that all the time which is kind of his charm..... if it wasnt for the fact that hes always so competitive and serious LMAO. like it would really hurt his ego if i questioned him. imagine me telling him his sex, kisses, brain/psychology or smth was bad. i swear to god he would want to scold me and call me some real nasty things but he probably wouldnt

#diary #jo

[ilygsd]

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head

#diary #jo