#i think im kinda in a fatigue stage

[kaiserouo]

i love them staying together

#i think im kinda in a fatigue stage #i was drawing something about d2 but screw it here's bracken instead #also screw anatomy im not gonna get it right anyways #lethal company #bracken #lethal company employee #lethal company fanart #my art

[anakirui]

hot take ??

the only reason people say that "mafuyu and tsukasa have nothing in common" when presented with mafukasa parallels is because they equate mafuyu and tsukasa being similar to "tsukasa has depression" because the fandom equates mafuyu's personality to being depressed and nothing else.

it doesn't help that people (primarily younger people in the fandom) who DO believe in mafukasa parallels end up making the mistake of portraying tsukasa as depressed because as of right now he is not (although it's possible he was in past because of his Very Unclear Middle School Backstory but that's irrelevant)

anyways, mafuyu and tsukasa are narrative foils because their core personalities are built off of the concept of wanting to make the people around them— especially their families— happy.

they both developed personalities at a young age based on someone they looked up to. for tsukasa, it was seiichi amami's performance that inspired him to be a star— a hero that could cheer anyone up. for mafuyu, it was her mother taking care of her that inspired her to be a nurse— and you can see the similarities from there.

for mafuyu, her identity would first come into conflict when her mother expressed her want for mafuyu to be a doctor— suddenly, "everyone's" happiness didn't match what she wanted to do, leaving her in a state of disorder and eventual depression.

for tsukasa, his identity was something he nearly forgot in its entirety at the start of the main story— becoming arrogant and fully absorbed in a hero persona, forgetting the kind person he truly is. furthermore, his current character arc seems to be foreshadowing that what "being a star" to him is going to be called into question— maybe it is something more than just being the main character that saves everyone.

their insecurities are incredibly similar.

in mafuyu's first mixed, mafuyu feels insecure towards ichika because unlike ichika, she feels as if her lyrics have no genuine meaning to be expressed to other people— despite them being her very real feelings. this is brought up again in her second mixed as well.

in tsukasa's third focus event, something similar happens. when watching seiichi's performance, he thinks that his acting is "real" and feels inferior towards him, which is ironic because tsukasa has been method acting this whole time. when tsukasa is acting out rio or bartlett or really anyone at this point in the story, it's not just those characters— it's a reflection of his traumas.

just like mafuyu, tsukasa undermines his passions he's poured his feelings into because someone else's work is more genuine in his eyes.

now, then, foils have many similarities and parallels (and i could honestly list a lot more), but how i define them is that they usually have some kind of major branching difference that MAKES them foils.

for mafuyu and tsukasa it's pretty straightforward.

mafuyu's people pleasing behavior comes from external expectations and pressures— her mother's demands.

tsukasa's people pleasing behavior comes internally, from himself— if he can't meet his own standards, if he can't be the perfect big brother or the perfect star, then he is nothing.

and even then, there's some overlap.

tsukasa's behavior was indirectly encouraged by his mother praising him for being a "good big brother" over the phone instead of asking him if he was okay while home alone.

mafuyu's terrified to be herself around other people because she doesn't want to worry or bother them— she doesn't want to be a burden— and projects her mother's expectations onto them, not realizing that they would prefer the real mafuyu if they knew the truth.

and the concept of mafukasa being foils is most perfectly and blatantly portrayed in these two cards.

mafuyu, the marionette, sitting limp on the floor— puppeteered by her mother's demands and donning a mask to hide her true self.

tsukasa, the jester, standing above everything else— puppeteering silenced plushies— his feelings. he's not being completely honest with himself, and he doesn't even realize it.

mafuyu has cut her strings and ripped her mask in half. she has acknowledged her true feelings and expressed them to her mother, even if she had to run away in the end.

tsukasa has not yet cut his.

#project sekai #colorful stage #prsk #tsukasa tenma #mafuyu asahina #mafukasa #theres also obvious ones im sure you all know. like how theyre the sole sekai creators #or their designs paralleling eachother (color schemes of their eyes and hair) #or how theyre both connected to the moon and bunnies #and how theyre connected by a piano with a moon design thats only shown up in mafuyus 2nd mixed and tsukasas 2nd mixed... where they had #their first mixed events together #or how they both easily overwork theirselves #or how theyre almost always projecting onto other people as if their experiences are the norm #ex: tsukasa with rui in wonder halloween and mafuyu with niigo in main story #I CAN GO ON ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS AS YOU CAN SEE . #EDIT: HERES SOME MORE THAT I DIDNT REMEMBER AT 12 AM LAST NIGHT #theyre both connected to apples! points at tsukasa in fixer 2dmv and points at mafuyu2 #literally all of their vocaloids parallel eachother. #wxs and n25 miku have a childlike sense of curiosity #wxs and n25 rin are based off someone that isnt them for the most part (saki and ena) #wxs and n25 len are both anxious and pessimistic (in island panic... wxs len has a conflicting pov from meiko and wants wxs to just stay in #the sekai instead of being stuck out on an island... which is kinda escapist as hell) #wxs and n25 meiluka have conflicts that are very similar. n25 meiluka represents mafuyus inner conflict between isolating herself and #helping everyone because she didnt know what would be better #and wxs meiluka is the conflict between tsukasas ambition and his fatigue #which is why wxs meiko always acts like wxs luka is a burden whenever she falls asleep— tsukasa himself wont rest #not when he thinks it will burden other people #and wxs and n25 kaito are both driving forces in tsukasa and mafuyu accepting their true feelings #(although tsukasa is kinda not where mafuyu is yet i think you get what i mean)

[bigolgay]

Trigger warning: early stage miscarriage (10-11 weeks).

(Long post. Also I do go into semi graphic descriptions, so proceed with caution. Mention of clots and things)

Should I add a mature label on this as well? This is a super sensitive topic and I don’t wanna trigger anyone or force this on anyone.

So I started typing out a whole rant thing about how I’m feeling mopey because I wish I wanted kids and I started talking about my miscarriage… and quickly realised… I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before?

Which is SHOCKING because I overshare sm on here lmao.

So… time to overshare on the internet about something no one asked about! I honestly find it hard to believe I’ve never mentioned it before though, so maybe I have and just forgot about it? But yeah, I kinda wanna talk about it in a way, I never get to talk about it and I think this sort of awareness and discussion is important? Maybe I’m not the best person to be having it, but it was a big event and I’ve never really talked about it since it all happened.

But yeah, I had a 10-11 week miscarriage when I was 16. Wasn’t super sad, I knew about the pregnancy for less than a week when I miscarried. And was gonna have an abortion anyway. So🤷. So the story goes, I had consensual sex with a boy (we all make mistakes) and I was young and dumb and didn’t use protection (use protection kids), but also I had already been told by doctors that the chance of me getting (and I suppose staying) pregnant would be difficult without medical intervention and aid, so I guess I just assumed it wouldn’t happen…

Hehe lol it did🫣. Wasn’t a big thing. There was no super obvious symptoms. I was already fatigued, maybe a bit worse but I put that down to me being half way through my first year of A levels. I don’t think I had any food cravings? Had a few food aversions, but I can go through phases of being a picky eater, so nothing stood out there. Didn’t vomit much, had a couple days where I’d eat something that wouldn’t sit well and would come back up, but never often enough for me to catch on and think something was wrong. Have always had super irregular periods, so missing 2 months didn’t stand out to me. The only thing that baffled me a little, was my sudden hatred for the smell of a hand soap we had at the time downstairs in the kitchen. I’d previously quite liked the smell (I believe it was like… eucalyptus and cucumber? Or something like that) but I suddenly started HATING it. Like not just turning my nose up at it, but straight up gagging if I caught a whiff of it. And my mum had told me that she had something similar when she was pregnant with me and she had a few things that she could no longer stand the smell of.

So as a joke I mentioned it to my friends, and one of my friends had a missed period so she was like “let’s do a pregnancy test together!” And it was supposed to be silly and funny… until my one came back positive🤣then we all were like “😧”. Cue the usual panicking and my friends assuring me “it’s gonna be okay! We’re here for you! You’re gonna be a great mum! Think of how cute it’ll be all dressed in baby clothes!” And I’m stood there like “…uh, this is all super sweet you all being so supportive. But this is getting ejected from my body at the earliest possible opportunity😃”.

So I spend the next 5 days trying to figure out how to tell my mum, and I plan to tell her maybe a week into March, because February is the birthday month (both of my older sisters, my step sister and my mum) and I didn’t wanna add more stress. Didn’t end up getting a week into March… because on the first of March I had super bad cramping and had really heavy bleeding and (this is a bit gross) it was like… there was more tissue than I would have on a usual period, and the cramps felt different? Deeper in a way? It’s hard to explain. But they were like… mild contractions so🫣🤷. I realise im miscarrying and im like “well shit… gotta tell mum now🙄” so I call her into the bathroom with me and I tell her I was/am pregnant but that it’s currently being ejected from my body. She says I’m a silly bugger and is hella confused about how because I was an out and proud lesbian already and I’m like “🤷”. She asks all the usual questions (was it consensual? When did you find out? Should I call the doctors?) and then we just sit there.

This is the only bit that’s at all emotional for me. But after about an hour? I ask her to leave me be for a bit. Because it kind of hit me all at once that I was pregnant and I’d just lost it? And I didn’t want it at all. I was too young and I knew kids weren’t for me. But it’s still emotional? It’s hard to explain. So i cry. A lot. From emotions and the unrelenting cramps that made my legs shake. And for the next 2 hours I stay on the toilet and I cry as I pass everything (tissue and things). But after about 3 hours cramping basically stopped, and I wasn’t passing anymore clots or anything.

I bleed quite heavily for about a week and a bit afterwards, but it was basically just like a period at that point. And that’s about it. Telling my friends that they wouldn’t be aunties and uncles was weirdly difficult. I cried some more then too I think. I felt weirdly guilty about losing it? Like they had been in the group chat making all these plans and baby names (literally during my miscarriage I was reading their messages😃). And even in person they’d be touching my belly and talking about how excited they were. So I felt in a way I was letting them down. Uh I spoke to a councillor at college about it for a few weeks. But then after about a month it all faded into the background and was forgotten. And now I barely think about it! And I guess barely mention it!

Anyway! Sorry for the randomness of this! I just started ranting about it and realised it felt nice talking about it to the internet, where I won’t have to deal with seeing the physical reactions of people finding out about it, and it spiralled. Sorry if it got too graphic. I tried to keep it vague.

Moral of the story: Miscarriages are scary, even when the baby isn’t wanted. And also, I overshare way too much on the internet.

Note: I intentionally made this sound nonchalant. Please don’t go thinking miscarriages aren’t traumatic experiences🤦mine wasn’t super traumatic and it doesn’t cause me much trouble now, but it was incredibly unpleasant. I’m sure most people who have miscarriages are far more affected by it than I am. I was just already mostly in acceptance that I’d be getting rid of the baby anyway. Just because I made it sound mild, doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful. Physically it was painful and draining, emotionally it was draining. So yeah. Keep that in mind!

#tw miscarriage #hey look! #another vent #vent post #this felt weirdly good to get off my chest #cathartic? #I dunno if that’s the right word #but it feels good #anyway! #I’m gonna head to bed now #nunight! #who threw the tennis ball!?!🎾

[baylardo]

More threshold au cringe hahaha Idk at what point they’d resort to confining Kathryn in her heat cycle to sick bay behind a shield cuz I bet for a while it’s like, well she’s not HARMING anyone,,,, and the only one at risk of “harm” is chakotay lmao,,,,, and herself,,,,,, and I bet she seems pretty SOUND MIND at times,,,,,,,, I guess eventually they’d be like,,,, concerned about her state of mind and ability to make captaining decisions,,,,,,,,

like I think she starts out notably clingy, then aggressive and volatile, then eventually gets fatigued and sick from NOT doing the thing and then she’s fine.

At the end stage of the first time she goes through it i think she’d manage to get herself into chakotays quarters, maybe she broke out of sickbay, maybe she fakes being fine and they let her out when she wasn’t actually over it, REGARDLESS she gets in there and she’s still like super emotional and wanting him and then I think she’d just collapse and faint and be sick and he just keeps her in his bed and takes care of her, she’s kinda super out of it and unable to speak really, and he eventually when she settles sleeps on the floor til she breaks the fever the next morning hahaha WHATEVER IM CRINGE!!!!!!!!

Idk how much she’d recollect when she’s like on her cycle (without suppressants) so I think she’d wake up feeling content but also REALLY panicked when the realization kicks in that she’s in chakotays bed haha. And she’d feel like she’d have to apologize to him for something she doesn’t remember doing and have to ask the uncomfortable question of if they did it, to her relief he’s like lol no u good :’) and she probably brushes off her “desire” for him in that state as being literally anything other than feelings for him hahaha silly animalistic biological explanations and all that <3

#threshold au #he’s like agreeing with her yeah no worries kathryn hahaha I’m not interested in you either 🥲🥲🥲🥲 #when ur both in denial and everyone knows they’re CRUSHING HARD

[moveslikejaggeria]

i have not been healthy since august 2022.

well, if we’re talking about overall health, i haven’t been healthy in many many years longer than 2022. but i have constantly been sick since august.

i mean. i got covid for the first time a month ago. i got my appendix removed four months ago. the lead up to my appendectomy was awful and i was sick for about a month prior. i had a sinus infection that lasted about a month and a half. right now im dealing with a cold and stomach bug combination thats absolutely kicking my ass and might possibly be the flu.

and dont even get me started on my joints. they get worse every fucking day. i can barely walk anymore whereas it used to be where i knew i had a limit to avoid crossing. i mean i feel like im in the end stages here

i sort of worry that my body has kinda given up on me. i think about giving up constantly. everyday i think “tomorrow will be better!” but then im just as exhausted and fatigued as always and the things that need to get done still dont get done.

[multiverse-of-mischief]

missed a day so catching up!

24 April:

How did your fine motor skills develop? Were you one of the first kids who could tie their shoe laces or do you think you'll probably never learn it? This is an "open question", if you want to ramble, start rambling.

i couldn't tie my laces for quite a long time, though i eventually learned when i was about 9 i think, im still not great at it though and it takes me longer than other people haha! honestly i don't remember much to do with buttons or anything else, but i do know about handwriting.

i have always struggled with handwriting, it used to be really big (and i also wrote in all capitals) for longer than it should have been lol, i eventually got "alright" handwriting when i was like 12 maybe? i could never do cursive as a kid, ever, although now it can be a stim for me and distract me from things because of the concentration and effort it takes. my writing is now legible (most of the time) and if i try really hard, it can be neat for like a couple lines lol. when i need to be faster or don't care as much, my writing is all over the place but still legible and it takes me a bit longer than the average slow writing person, i almost got exam accommodations for this, but it was just too fast which was very frustrating because i then had to push myself writing in exams 🙄

i can actually write super small if i want to, im usually the only one that can properly read it because of how small it is lol, i often did that on worksheets in class

writing really hurts my hand and ive never had good pen posture, i end up with callouses on my ring finger knuckle because of how hard i push haha, my ex used to try and hold a pen like i do and she couldn't do it at all, no one really knows how i ended up doing it (i swear it's not even that weird) but i can't hold it any other way. i also struggle with the pressure of my pen and i push too hard, which ends up making my lettering harder to read because of the thick lines (i tend to write pretty small now actually unless im really rushing). overall, writing hurts and i don't like it, i also need to bend over so im like 5cm away from the paper or i can't write properly, no idea what that's about but i used to lay on my desk while writing a lot in school lmao. it's strange because i really love drawing! i do struggle with the same things though (pushing too hard, muscle pain after a short amount of time, etc)

25 April:

How did your gross motor skills develop? Did you walk early or did you struggle to walk (if you can walk)? Do you have a bad posture? This is another "open question".

i learned to walk really early! i skipped over the crawling stage too, just went straight from tummy shuffling to walking lol

while i can walk well (in terms of motor abilities, im leaving pain and fatigue out of this), i struggle to walk slowly; i see myself as kinda like a bicycle haha, i need to walk at a certain minimum pace or i start to topple. i don't know how to describe why other than just my feet don't move automatically when i walk slow and i have to think about each step, i trip over my own feet and lose my balance a bit. i also tend to bump into people a lot and can't walk in a straight line very well (yay poor proprioception lol); my ex used to say that id never convinced people i wasn't drunk lmao and i have to agree, i wouldn't believe myself either honestly [lighthearted, self teasing]

my posture has always been awful i think, although ive gone through phases of having amazing posture from constant conscious effort (i think i was trying to copy my favourite character lol) but that ended up really hurting my back and taking too much mental energy so i stopped.

similarly with walking slowly, i struggle to stay standing still and often need to lean on something like a wall or i'll start to stumble and topple over. as i said in a previous post, i do actually have good balance, i guess i just have to focus on it more or something, strange bodies.

oh, throwing too! i can catch well (and really enjoy it, i loved practicing catching a ball in class) but when it comes to throwing the ball back...yeah. i don't know what it is about it, my arm just doesn't listen to me properly lol, my teachers got very frustrated with me for that and honestly i got frustrated with myself! i really wanted to play cricket and dodgeball so it sucks that i lack a crucial skill for them :(

this could just be down to my amnesia but ive also struggled with swimming, i find it difficult but manage to learn after a while, and then when i try again, im back to square one! my family is baffled and often don't actually believe me that ive forgotten. again, it's one that im pretty upset about because i enjoy swimming despite the sensory difficulties of after getting out

#thinking about that i actually have no idea how i wasnt told off for laying and writinflg #*writing #sorry this one seems a little more negative #my motor skills mean i cant do a lot of the things i want to and have been something ive been teased and ridiculed for #i tried to make it more lighthearted but that was hard for some aspects #equinox rambles #drunk mention #cw drunk #30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #im not sure if it needs a warning but better safe than sorry! #i know how triggering alcohol and drunkenness can be so just in case :)

[keefwho]

October 29 - 2022

9:33 AM

It’s frustrating when someone clearly expects certain behaviors from me, especially when they are outdated. I never considered that even close friends can end up dumbing me down into a static character and holding onto that idea of me long after I change. And then they think something is “wrong” because I’m not fitting into the mold they made for me. Then we grow apart and the only thing that will stop it is if they understand and accept that I’m changing. All I want is some patience and less guilting. 

3:32 PM

I found a really weird looking spot on my armpit today, straight up it looks like it needs to get checked out and dealt with. I’m a little worried about it because skin cancer isn’t usually as bad as other cancers but it’s still a big deal. AND it means I gotta go allll the way to the doctor. I’m giving it 2 days to see what it does. It’s possible it’s an injury I don’t remember getting or something else that will go away. Its likely even. I hate having to wait and see. I’ve had a couple cancer scares in the past when I was a more unrealistic hypochondriac. I’m not trying to jump to that conclusion but this time it REALLY looks concerning. 

Right now I’m at the very beginning stage where I’m kinda freaking out and I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I know soon I’ll calm down and find a way to take my mind off of it. 

5:54 PM

Trying really hard not to get too far into my own head right now. I have nothing to be worried about but I just feel bad. I think this is the culmination of a day where I haven’t wanted to do anything at all and can’t think properly. I’ve felt awful. Very bored and kinda dreadful. Now Im panicking about nothing really, but whats new. I’ll feel better, thats all I can hope for. This just happens sometimes.

7:46 PM

I tummy hurted and I don’t know what caused it as usual. I hate when nights are basically ruined like this. It’s also happened the past few weekends. I thought maybe it’s having a drink Friday night but this starts Friday morning. 

8:31 PM

I wish I knew why I got so miserable sometimes. Why I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Like my life is meaningless or I have no potential. 

9:18 PM

I feel shitty and I’m trying to convince myself that I’m fine. I just fee fatigued but it’s probably because of how hard I worked out early. Also I’ve been bored and sluggish all day. My head feels kinda bad but I’ve felt like this before and it’s been nothing. I keep checking my temperature about every 30 minutes and it’s maybe .5 above normal MAX, which is actually a little strange because it tends to be very consistent. But it might all be in my head.

Why does this happen to me. I just want to get in VRchat and socialize, or chill and relax on my own. Instead I’m cuddled up panicking trying to take my mind off of things with a Twitch stream and BOTW. Constantly thinking about how fucked in the head I am and all the things I’m missing out on. I feel awful about myself. Other people aren’t like this. 

The horrific truth is that one day I’ll get sick, it’s basically unavoidable. I need to stop being so afraid of it. It’s just a short period of misery and then I’m back to normal. I always try to imagine what my life would be like if I wasn’t thinking about getting sick all the time. There are so many moments I could enjoy more and things I could feel comfortable doing. 

11:35 PM

The good thing about tonight is my fear level was pretty low the whole time. I more-so felt cautious and just wanted to relax. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I don’t want another boring, melancholic day that ends with anxiety. 

12:25 PM

It’s easy to forget that the world is so much bigger than my room. There are hundreds of people in my area every day that don’t have the worries I do. They have bigger things to worry about. And when I actually have bigger things to worry about, I can usually put my daily fears aside. I really do make my own problems. 

[deleteddewewted]

Incel! Shinsou x F! Reader Part 8

You agreed to go watch the show that Bakugou was performing in with Maya, but you found it weird how Maya was exited to go. You end up getting some much needed emotional support for who you end up seeing at the performance. What will you think of it and what's up with Maya?

Hey everyone, im back with another part of the Incel! Shinsou series! Thank you to the lovely @drewcreates for the art work, go support her.

"I can't help but repeat myself. I know it's not your fault. Still lately, I begin to shake. For no reason at all"- (I Cant Handle Change by Roar)

(Art by @drewcreates)

Shinsou was standing behind the curtain, waiting for the scene to change to make his entrance. This was the first-ever show that he played one of the main protagonists and he was excited to see what would come from it. He was tired of being the “no-hit wonder” so this show meant a lot to him. Maya was nice enough to help him practice but he had to admit that she was a brutal teacher. She would hit him with a ruler or make him break down the scene to its very basics before having him continue with the scene. He understood the strict nature but he kinda wished she wouldn’t hit him with a ruler like some grandmother scolding her disobedient grandchild.

“You need to understand that a character isn’t just someone you become for the moment. You need to be them, sleep like them, and most importantly, dream like them. You are the character that you’re trying to bring to life. Now stop looking constipated and do it from the top.” Shinsou groaned at Maya’s lecture but he knew it would help him. She was right, he had to “dream” like the character if he was going to become them, whatever that meant. Even while helping him out, Maya was still cryptic. She said it was to make him think, but he considered it a quirk of hers.

Shinsou finally saw his cue and got on stage with the other actors. The audience was nothing more than dark figures while he and the others on stage were brightly illuminated. Bakugou was stepping in front of him as if trying to intimidate him but Shinsou pushed past him with a smirk on his face. He walked over to the actress and bent down at the hip to be face to face with her. Shinsou was never suave with girls back in high school, his entire thing was pushing them away as far as he could. This was foreign territory for him and hopefully, he could sell that he wasn’t a clueless idiot when it came to it. Looks could only go so far but he knew he achieved his goal when the actress let out an unscripted squeal and her face became even more flustered than before.

It was a unique feeling to be on stage. It was a show of importance and focu . The costume he had on was nothing more than old military fatigues yet it attracted people to look at him. His hair was straightened and slicked back, his hair dyed to match the original character’s iconic blond look and he still had the crowd entranced with himself. He was willing to go full-on out for even the smallest role and he had to give Maya some credit for that influence. The woman worked and she worked hard.

You sat in the crowd with Maya sitting beside you. The taller woman was watching quietly as your leg bounced in anticipation. You wore an ankle-length dress with a v-shaped collar that showed the top of your bust. The skirt had panels to it and was fully black with some lace, making itself known on the puffy short sleeves. You felt elegant yet yourself with matching makeup to bring it all together. Maya on the other hand was very casual in her dressage, opting for a thigh-leveled skirt, a simple black turtle neck, and a black jacket to match. Her makeup was the most outspoken part of her outfit with the large winged eyeliner that sharpened her eyes and helped pop the color of her eyes. She was beautiful and so were you, everyone in your row kept glancing at you both during the intermission to reassure themselves that two beautiful women were sitting next to them.

“What do you think?” Maya snapped you out of your thoughts. You raised your brow at her and looked back at the stage where Shinsou and Bakugou fought for the main actress’s attention via pulling at her arms like children fighting over a toy.

“I think... it’s good. Not really a theater person but it’s immersive.”Maya chuckled at you and redirected her gaze to the stage.

“You think Shinsous is doing a good job?”

“Yeah..? Why-”

“Did you know he asked me to invite you to the show? He wanted you to see it.” The comment caught you off guard. The idea hadn’t crossed your mind that he would want you to watch him perform. You knew he was trying to spend more time with you, the silly and awkward interactions in the library told you that much, but you didn’t know that he wanted you to watch him specifically.

“No, I didn’t.” Maya chuckled again and faced you.

“After the show, let’s go backstage to congratulate them. I'm sure Bakugou and Shinsou would appreciate it.”

“Are you going to see someone?” You asked her. Maya shook her head and giggled.

“I want to talk to Lavanda about his performance and review with him, nothing else.” You made yourself comfortable in your seat, the thought of speaking with Shinsou being nerve-wracking to you. You haven’t truly spoken to him since you saw him laying on top of Maya and that was all you could manage to do at the time. You didn’t feel safe around him like you used to.

“Don't worry, I’ll stand beside you the entire time if you want me to. No one hurts you unless they want their teeth kicked in.” Maya smiled down at you, her canines becoming visible to you.

“Thanks.” The small jitters of anxiety and prickles of sweat made themselves present on your body as you waited for the show to end. At least you weren’t going to be left alone with him.

The show came to an end and everyone began to file out of the theater. Many commenting on the lead actor’s performance and how they truly went above and beyond with the story. Monoma was drinking up all of the attention that viewers were giving him on his minor role. He stood by the wall and towered over some of the girls who gawking at him, their faces flushed and eyes hazy. You didn’t understand how anyone could find Monoma attractive but to each their own, you thought Shinsou was handsome looking even when he was looking rough. They both were handsome but Monomas personality irritated you and that was what shined brighter than any looks he had.

“I know, I know, I truly was fantastic as a private- Madam Maya!” Monoma pushed past his small group of fangirls, shoved you aside, and made his way in front of the taller woman. He was about her height, just a little taller than her by 4 inches. This soft grin was present on his face as he focused on her.

“How are you today, Madam Maya? Did you enjoy the show?” Monoma leaned towards her and smirked. His eyes immediately met her own, almost challenging her to look away. You could practically see the hearts in his eyes and it was borderline sweet. Everyone knew that Monoma had a thing for her, but Monoma himself didn’t know that his “admiration” was not that at all. He was, and very, unfortunately, in love with Maya.

“Yeah, I guess. You did your role well, though, I think you could have done better since you’re always talking about how “outstanding” you are. I’m sure you’ll be amazing in the next one.” Monoma was leaning towards her and tripped forward. Maya moved to the side to give him space to fall to. He was trying to get a closer look at her while also drinking up the semi compliment she had given.

“Of course I will be! But- you think I did well?!” She nodded and watched the slightly taller male regain his balance. He stood up straight, stiff even, as he adjusted the suit he wore.

“Why are you-” But he cut you off before you questioned his wardrobe choice. Who wore a suit after wearing an uncomfortable costume for over 2 hours?

“Will you be auditioning for the next show?” Monoma eagerly asked Maya.

“Not sure, why?”

“The next major project is this absorbed thing about heroes and high schoolers with superpowers that they refer to as “quirks. Can you believe how ridiculous that sounds? It sounds hor-” Monoma crossed his arms rolled his eyes dramatically at the idea of a theater performance.

“Oh, isn’t that the play that All Might created?”

“Yeah, so bland-”

“Sounds like a lot of fun. Might just audition for it if I haven’t already been directly picked by then.” Monoma swallowed harshly and tried to backtrack his comments.

“Ye- Yeah! I- it is- it does sound like a lot of fun. Haha, yes, I cant wait to audition for it. I- uh- I heard from Teacher Vlad that the art department was getting priority at the auditions.” He tried laughing it off by sounding excited, but Maya could see through it all and gave you an amused look before looking back at him.

“Well, let’s hope that you get a role in the next major project. Maybe you can truly amaze me.”

“S-sure! Can’t wait to a-amaze you, Madam Maya!.” Monoma’s voice cracked when speaking Maya’s name. His blush only deepened as she smiled back at him.

She no longer paid him any attention but you noticed how Monoma’s smile grew as she walked away.

You turned to follow Maya deeper into the theater and were suddenly met with darkness. You walked past the crew who were diligently removing set pieces and helping actors out of their costumes. Tech was screaming at each other from across the room as you passed through another door. Once through, it revealed a tan hallway with doors all across it, the end of the hall has an open door frame that led to who knows where. You made it near that open door when you were met with the man you’ve been trying to rebuild your relationship with.

“Hey, Lavanda! You were great tonight! How many are you doing for this week? I want to celebrate the opening night.” Shinsou was unbuttoning his shirt with the help of a crew member who was helping him take off his pants.

“I have 3 shows in the morning and 2 at night tomorrow, 4 to 3 the rest of the weekdays, and only 3 shows in the morning for the weekend. What did you want to do?” He turned to face Maya but his eyes immediately met your own.

Your stomach fluttered as he slowly took off his shirt to hand over to the crew member. You gave him a quick smile and faced Maya. You didn’t like how oddly embarrassed and intrusive this felt. He was just removing his costume to put on his regular clothes, nothing you haven’t seen him do before. He used to change his shirt in front of you when you would both get to his house to work on the project you were assigned. You mentally told yourself to calm down and try to focus on the upperclassman who was smirking at Shinsou.

“How about a movie at mines? We can order something in and you can spend the night if you want.” Shinsou continued to take apart his costume while the crew member yelled at someone else who was passing by. Everyone was still focused on work even though the show ended for the night.

“Don’t you live with that other upperclassman’ family? Are they ok with you inviting me to stay over?” Maya nodded her head.

“I asked prior and you can stay in the guest room or my room. You touch my Ghibli merch I kill you.” Maya smiled at the last statement while Shinsou became rigid. It didn’t matter who you were if it was Maya, you had to take her seriously. You noticed how Shinsou’s eyes wondered over Maya’s form as if searching for something. You gave her a quick glance to see if anything was off but there was nothing out of place.

“I’m joking but please try to be careful with my stuff. You borrowed Работа актера над собой from me and it came back with coffee stains.” Her smirk fell at the memory. Some of the pages were unreadable and fragile when he handed it back to her. She was not amused and made him do extra hours of practice as punishment.

“Yeah, sorry about that I was trying to cram as much as I could and wasn’t paying attention. I can buy you a new Рабо- uuuh, is there an easier title version?”

“An Actor Prepares, and no, you don’t need to buy me a new one. Just be careful next time.” You watched the two of them interact and couldn’t help the smile that made itself onto your face.

Maya was like an older sister scolding her younger brother for going into her room. Shinsou was taller than the woman but he still hunched over as if trying to appear small. His crooked smile and tired eyes completed the family picture in front of you. They both were tired people, Shinsou had his reasons that he never disclosed with you, while Maya opened up to you about her insomnia. You had to admire their dedication to their studies, they both seemed more themselves when they stood on the stage.

“Hey did you-”

“L/n, what did you think about the show? Any memorable performances? Bakugou was good on his delivery. Never pinned him for a romance kind of guy.” Maya crouched down a little to meet you at eye level and directed her gaze at you before moving her eyes to Shinsou. Shoji, another actor, handed him a bag which Shinsou took, thanked him, and pulled out a pair of pants.

“Uh, well. Monoma was good and so was Midoriya. I didn’t expect Midoriya to be so funny, he usually does drama, right?” Maya nodded. Shinsou began to put his pants on while pulling his shirt out to prevent it from becoming stuck.

“Yeah, he’s usually a drama and action type of guy so I have had some work with him.” He adjusted his shirt, tucking it into his pants half haphazardly.

Shinsou then complimented your hair and makeup for the night, his eyes trying to stay far away from your exposed chest. You looked ravishing and it was hard for him to keep his comments to himself. The one time he wanted to tell you everything about how his life without you has been going, was the same time that you decided to look so fucking perfect. You were too much for him. You were always attractive to him, his denial was strong back when you barely knew each other but now, liberated by those thoughts and attempting to make amends with you, he could finally learn how to express them. You were everything that he wanted to one day be, free. His hands were becoming sweaty just out of looking at you.

“Any criticism for me?”

“Uh, yeah. I have some things I wanted to ask about.” He avoided your eyes but you can see the redness in his ears deepen as he waited for your comments.

You both didn’t notice how close you both were to each other and how flushed both of your faces were. You asked about specifics regarding the character he was playing and he answered all of your questions with this happy ease. His eyes were stuck on you as your own were one him. You were both stuck in your own little world where the yelling crew and running actors didn’t exist. If only you were paying attention you would have noticed Maya watching you both from a distance. She stepped back to observe you both interact with one another. There was no denying it, you truly made a positive change in Shinsous life. Maya smiled to herself, memories flooding back to her of how difficult Shinsou used to be.

She hoped that Shinsou wouldn’t remember the request he made to her but she guessed wrong. Maya didn’t mean to hide anything from him, she knew it would only hurt him more in the long run but she couldn’t do it. She did what he asked of her and found what he wanted. She couldn’t give it to him. Maya crumpled the piece of paper she held in her hand since the beginning of the show. Her palm began to sweat and it would probably end up smearing the ink on the paper but it didn’t matter. She wasn’t going to show him the letter. The moment was so joyous that it would ruin it if she did. Maya hid the letter inside her skirt pocket and watched you both talk about the show. You were both smiling at each other but Shinsou was watching you with pure adoration. It was cute. She couldn’t afford to ruin such a moment for the both of you, not if it meant that the truth would destroy all of the good changes you’ve done for him.

The people in the theater walked around the emptying space with some deciding to stick back to see if they could speak with some of the actors. Some of the show-goers were still excited while others chatted with one another. It was positive and light but not for one person. The man stood in place waiting to see if the girl he had been observing would come out of the door she walked through. He would have walked through the door if it weren’t for the heavy amount of staff running around shouting out orders. It reminded him of how he would yell at his underlings. The girl didn’t come out of the door but he knew it was her.

“Boss?” One of his henchmen stood behind him waiting to gain acknowledgment.

“What do you need?” He asked irritated. His henchman shook in fear at his voice.

“Th- the car is ready, sir.” The man took one last look at the door and turned around towards the theater’s exit. He walked outside to the cool night and stepped into the car where his driver waited for him as well as his right hand.

“Any updates Chronos?” He asked indifferently.

“Production has been on the up since we got the other gangs to join. Though, if I may suggest something.” The man directed his eyes to the other man, his face still facing forward.

“Maybe we should focus on the...experiment rather than searching for your muse, Chisaki?” The brown-haired man, Chisaki, redirected his gaze to the window beside him and observed as more people spilled out of the theater’s main entrance. The girl he was searching for was walking beside you with a large grin on her face as a blond-haired male trailed behind them.

“I’ll do as I please. I’m not ignorant enough to be distracted by some walking cunt, Chronos.” The driver pulled out to the rode and slowly drove to not hit any pedestrians walking on the street.

Chisaki watched you blush at the taller woman as her arm rested on your shoulder.

You were happy to finally be out of the theater and get some fresh air after being stuffed into halls full of people. Maya and Bakugou escorted you back to your place, conversation always focused on teasing Bakugou on how his voice cracked by accident in the middle of his line. The blond was not happy with it but you were all smiles so he would let it slide. He felt like someone or something was staring at him and he turned to face the street to see where the feeling came from. No one was across the street from the three of you but the car that passed by fell off. Bakugou narrowed his eyes as he watched it pass by you all and kept his eyes on it till it disappeared. He rolled his shoulders and kept a steady pace with the two girls in front of him. It was dangerous for them to be out this late.

Tags List: @blossominglark @plusultra2dwhore@eleventhdoctorsangel @sabitosthirst @yikesyikesyikes95 @vannyvancan @memeingcheetah27

#Spotify #incel! shinsou series #incel! shinsou #incel! shinso #shinsou x f! reader #shinsou x reader #shinso x f! reader #shinso x reader #shinsou hitoshi #shinso hitoshi #mha #bnha #mha angst #sad fic #fanfiction #mha shinso #alt #enemies to lovers #shinsou hcs #shinso x you #shinsou x y/n #hitoshi shinsou #Hitoshi shinso #hitoshi shinsou x reader #mha headcanons #mha fanfiction #mha x reader #no quirks au #alt reader #incel! shinsou x f! reader

[kpop-rambles]

Let’s talk about MAMA 2020 pt.1

1. Hwasa’s maria performance.. omg, y’all mamamoo will never stop slaying. Like that intro had me so shocked. I’m pretty sure there was a cut for the outfit change, i don’t know shit about editing but i can appreciate good editing. Hwasa just seemed so confident, like always, her charmisa was just blasted into my face. Had me gaping the whole time. backup dancers were as great as always too. 

2. oh..my...god! Let’s get the ending out of the way. It was absolutley stunning. made me audibally gasp, jessi’s nunu nana was already a great song to hype me up but this version... I don’t know how to explain it but it kinda gave me anime opening vibes? The BGM did and her vocals with it- idk an anime studio should think about asking her for it. speaking of her vocals, beautiful, of course, live vocals are to die for. i loved how the backup dancers had masks and gloves, and they slayed as well, they all did amazing! 

3. NCT 127′s kick it didn’t have the wow factors i think the previous two did. I think they seem kind of tired, and I completely understand that, they’ve been doing promotions after promotions this whole year and i really need SM TO GIVE THEM REST. I love seeing them perform ofc, but like please they need a break. I’ve been saying this since kick it came out. But besides their health which is a big concern for me, I did really liek Mark’s solo stage,I think he did great! At the beginning, I really only heard Mark’s voice, like Johnny’s lips were moving but no matter how much I strained my ears i could not hear him. I don’t blame them for lip syncing, this is a tiring song to dance and sing to at the same time. In conclusion, give these boys a break SM.

4. Nct dream ridin ok um i do have the same complaint- well i dont really want to complain because I understand it’s hard to with hard hitting dances and light vocals- about no live vocals. Even with Jisung who was just sitting on a motercycle- which was actually something i really liked, i found it so funny to see the other 5 dancing while he’s just on the motercycle. Besides that, I think the best part was Jeno. His charisma really got to me, even tho the vocals didn’t. (I sound nitpicky, ik, but live vocals is so important to me) 

5. so i love NCT U’s From home. And I also really liked this preformance. Before I praise it, I’ll get the complaints out of the way; the background music was way stronger than the vocals and thats not what you need in a song like this. Idk why SM doesn’t want us to hear these guys voices but oh well. Second, they do look extrememely fatigued and it really hurts my heart. SM GIVE THEM RESTTT. Now the things that I really liked. The background, with nct just being wholesome, really gave me the feel of it being a performance for czennies so that was adorable. When the other members came in as well, I gasped. I would’ve prefered if they showed up on stage and then ran to NCT U and then they all saw the nanana part together but i don’t work for Sm so oh well (Sm you know you wanna hire me) anywayyys a little bonus thing i actually gasped for was Doyoung’’s visuals. I really love the eyes of a person, and I just- when i saw his eyes i gasped. And whenever the camera men went on to him I literally sighed in admiration. Also i was very sure that they were tired when i saw Chenle, who is still somehow lookin stunning. But still very tired, PLEASE SM THIS IS THE LAST TIME ILL ASK GIVE THEM REST. 

6. Stray kids victory song- havent heard it in so longg and they brought it back. In the best way. Just this whole performance was the best. Im a skz ult and ig this is kinda biased but come on. You cant say that stray kids didnt slay. Because they absolutley did. (I actually cried tears of joy watching this preformance.btw) the live vocals hit so hard, the execution was phenomenal. Just.. Wow.

#kpop #stray kids #jype stray kids #bang chan #mama 2020 #nct 2020 #nct u #nct 127 #nct dream #jessi #jessi nununana #hwasa #mamamoo

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 3 - “Am I Old?” - Sarah

So far Shosha and Yujo haven’t lost any challenges, if we keep winning until the swap  i fear that the other tribes will target our people because we’re all still intact. Maybe it would be a good thing to maybe lose one? I dunno

ちくしょう 😉

FUCK the hosts for this how many hours can you put in challenge this early in the game, i'm literally fucking pissed, FUMIN love! i knew we were gonna lose from early on but i still put in the time and hours to distract myself from this bitch ass boy who curved me yesterday night, whatever. i'm just so exhausted like of the constant losing, the tribal council, ugh. i haven't been on a losing tribe like this in SO long. and i'm so.. over it. i can't stand losing and i can't stand that emma is immune right now because deciding who to vote off is going to be impossible and people are going to be coming for me so i'm like, probably most definitely gone or whatever. and that means i'm going to have to do the arena challenge and NOT have a day off which... ugh....... dont get me wrong i know that ORGs are time commitments but usually i win the premerge challenges so THIS IS NEW OKAy kdhfnsdkfndkfndf. i'm just annoyed and i'm so over my tribe... and i didn't find any advantages at the olympic village i finally remembered to search in. anyway i dont even wanna THINK about tribal rn so this is just me saying fuck this challenge and ughhh i'm so TIRED just so fatigued of everything, i'll like come back tmrw and strategize or something. *throws a rock at the cameraman* fuck this shit i'm out, give me the osake RIGHT! GOD DAMN! NOW! (alcohol for all you non duolingo-ers)

i'm kinda happy that bailey was evacuated from the game, she would have been voted out regardless and this gives our tribe better odds at survival. even if we had gone to tribal i would've been comfortable, but now i feel like it's better than i try to prove my value as a player by competing in the arena! kinda excited.

tribal three times in a row check! 😍✨💋 LMAO no one is wanting to actually talk to me about it so i’m hoping that i can still sway the votes in my favor but we’ll see! i think landen would defiantly do his best to help keep me from going, but it’s all a matter of who would we send instead. so! we’ll see! at least i can say i did my best 

So, for starters, the past round went pretty much as expected.  Kathy was the vote off from my tribe, and she lost at the arena, as well, past round I found nothing yet again at the village.   Now, right now in terms of this round, my tribe didn't win immunity, but Bailey ended up getting medically evacuated due to getting three inactivity strikes, so the tribal got cancelled for my tribe, and Beck ended up volunteering to do the arena.  So basically, just awaiting to search Olympic Village again, and hoping to goodness there is a tribe swap next round, since right now my tribe is just my alliance with Ben and Beck, which will make things rough come another loss with no swap.

yep worst case scenario happened. My tribe lost with me sitting out and Will, my one main ally, not showing up to the challenge at all!! I was hoping it could be an easy vote so i didn’t have to vote and I could get the advantage but now it seems like my tribe is ready to boot Will and if I want that advantage I need two of those other three to vote against each other! God this is gonna be hard... 

I’m in a tough predicament here. I could either A. play it safe, agree with everyone to vote will or B. try to save my ally and my advantage at the same time by getting Sarah and Eve to vote out Nik, risking my whole game. Godddd I don’t know!! aaaagh! 

it's 10am, tribal is in 10 hours, and i've had about 10 separate heart attacks throughout the morning. i don't know what to do tonight. i'm really struggling to figure out what's right. my heart says jacob, that's definitely where i'm leaning. juls is my closest ally at this point, and after the whole debacle with Billy, voting him out, then instantly starting to bond with him and all that, and apologizing, and him sticking by me even after I voted him out first, I would feel terrible voting for him again and I want us to prove to eachother we can trust eachother. but the fact he said juls' name.. if that's who he's going to go for, i simply can't prove to him i will vote with him. i'm tight with juls, she saved me even over emma, and i just really feel a bond with her. we're both the youngest in this cast, we both have lots in common, it really do feel like we're the same person at times. at the same time, my head tells me jacob is good in challenges, and will be ok in arena, but that i really don't need a 3rd person upset at me for going to the arena, and if Emma is still coming after me, she could probably use me coming for Jacob to her advantage, but I don't even know where she's voting or what she's thinking. i'm torn about this vote, and it's all the more annoying that if emma just hadn't fucked up at the last challenge, we wouldn't be here without someone to vote right now. we'd all be able to agree on emma or jacob probably, and it would just... it would still suck complete ass, but it wouldn't be as complicated as it is now. with a tribe as tiny as 5 people, going to tribal THREE times, with all the same 5 people.. it's just not something we can afford. our tribe is being torn apart and... whew, i just need the swap. give it to me rn. as of now, i'm thinking i'm going to vote jacob, and i hope i can get billy on board for that and take his mind off juls. that's where my head is at right now... tribal is making me sick to my stomach

What the f does I stan you even mean? Am I old? And I no longer hip and down with the lingo? Bogus, man...

Our first tribal is tonight... I hate to say it, but I'm voting for Will. Nobody has heard from him in days, or for the last challenge, and tonight will be a second strike if he doesn't come back for tribal. WILL I'M SORRY. I definitely would not have voted him otherwise, he did great on the other challenges and is a great personality to have around. Come back for the next season Will.. 

I am the swing vote again lol Juls got blamed for messing up last vote by Emma and Billy, which considering Juls is beloved by everyone, PERFECT But now since we lost I need to pick a side, Landen and Juls or Emma and Billy. I like Emma, Billy sketches me out. Landen is the perfect meat shield for eternity. He's a bit of a blabbermouth. I watched the tapes of the live tribal, he sold me out unknowingly in front of Billy. How am I supposed to both sides these people now!? I could get sold onto a Landen vote, but that's not being sold, so WELL, who do I screw over. I feel so bad voting out Juls, but that's a reason to vote her out too, gah. GAH. Do I pick a side and lowkey goat, or do I make my control of the tribe forefront (but not evident because everyone hates each other) Time will tell. 1 Hour until tribal, and I have no idea what to do. inb4 voted out

why the FUCK does emma have immunity? she's literally so useless and does nothing in challenges... and the fact she already turned on juls, this quick, over practically nothing? im sick to my stomach, love. i know i said that already, but you know what? I must have the flu, because my nausea is neverending with this tribe and our constant spins at tribal council. as emma once said, we're basically taking turns sending people to the hellish arena. but the twist is so complex because you can't send someone you like there, because there IS always the very real chance that they lose the challenge. going there could be a good risk if you're smart with it, but it could be a risk that puts your entire game in jeopardy and i'm a KNOWN safe player when it comes to game mechanics ^_^ the only risks i take are in emotional labor! speaking of, myself and juls have both been working very hard to keep her safe from billy and emma's focused target on her, but i don't see it happening.. Billy and em seem to be tight now and it seems like they've convinced jacob to take out juls. The really horrible thing about all this, is that if i want to save juls.... i'm likely going to have to vote billy. and that is going to be aching, because i really like the guy, and i was being 100% honest and genuine with him saying i wanted to be on his side, to prove to him i have his trust and that i will be loyal to him and want to work with him til the endgame and be his ally. but if he's going to go against juls and i have to choose between the two of them..... i mean, i can't choose billy. it would be bad. so there's 30 minutes left and i don't have a clear idea of what's happening yet and any choice i make will permanently damage a tight connection that I thought I had heading into the later game. I guess in good news, Sammy, Caeleb, and a new friend, Jordan, ALL messaged me saying good luck at tribal, and talking to me a bit about it, saying they hope I'm safe. Forming those cross tribal bonds could be crucial in surviving the next stage of the game, which, god please, is happening VERY soon... *i bind myself to the cross* Give me strength to get through this, Japan. Onegaishimasu.

So far the game is makin  me p sad, I’m super tired of going to tribal and having to send people to arena. And that Japanese challenge was so damn frustrating 

so tribal last night.... i mean, uh, i guess my power, huh? lmao........... MESS!!! IM A MESS MY GAME IS A MESS THIS WHOLE DAMN THING IS A MESS. Someone get me a MOP rn because Sonkei-Matsing tribe is STRUGGLING and it's all EMMA'S FAULT!!!!! On the other hand, I'm very grateful Emma is an idiot, because Billy got to be safe!!! So let me explain what happened in that bonkers tribal council, from MY perspective... When I heard that my closest ally Juls had her name coming up, i was like, oh HELL. NO. So I put in the WORK to get Jacob and Billy to vote for eachother. Don't get me wrong, Juls worked hella hard on this too, she is a bad ass bitch and she deserves credit. But I do believe I was a major factor in swaying their votes as well as I'd built pretty close relationships with each of them in terms of strategy. But with Billy, that relationship wasn't a tight trusting one, more of a, please, I like you a lot, let me prove to you that I can be trusted and we can work together. Let us prove that to eachother. But here's how it happened. Even though Jacob and Billy DID vote for eachother... NEITHER OF THEM TOLD ME THEY WERE VOTING FOR EACH-OTHER. BILLY LED ME TO BELIEVE HE WAS VOTING JULS THE WHOLEEEEE TIME. And initially, I was fine with it, and i was STILL going to vote Jacob off with Juls!! Thinking there was nothing I could do and she would go 3-2. But then, 5 minutes into tribal, you'll see me furiously typing... Because Jacob FINALLY told me he was going to vote for Billy (and that's on Whispering!!! #LiveTribal!!) So from my perspective.... Billy and Emma are voting Juls. Juls is voting Jacob. Jacob is voting Billy. It's 2-1-1... and if I vote for Jacob, then Jacob and Juls can't vote, and Billy and Emma have the majority to send Juls out, saving Jacob on the revote. BUT if I vote for Billy, then Billy and Juls can't vote, and now me and Jacob have the majority over Emma. That was the thought process behind my initial vote for Billy. LITTLE DID I KNOW BILLY ACTUALLY WAS VOTING WITH ME AND NOW I FEEL HORRIBLE FOR VOTING FOR HIM AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM BUT HE DIDN'T TEXT ME WHEN HE GOT OFF AND UGH, I NEED TO MAKE THIS RIGHT!!!! Emotional labor is the most annoying thing, and I'm really bad it. I'm terrible at apologizing and owning up to things, maybe that's why I just let my friendships fall apart in real life instead of doing the actual work to save them once a problem happens. because emotional labor is fucking annoying, exhausting, and stressful! I don't got time for it! But now, I need to have time for it, because our tribes are FIVE PEOPLE strong, and at the next tribal council, if I don't get my relationship with Billy in check, I WILL be gone. It is his vote that I need to help make sure Emma's psycho ass goes home, and if he, Jacob, and Emma all think they're on the bottom... Yikes. I hope Billy understands that I was absolutely disgusted it came down to him or Juls and I thought I was doing everything I could to save an ally.. I even swayed Juls to help save him with me, when she felt uncomfortable with him. He totally screwed up by like... not telling me he was voting with me, he said in tribal people just need to be real with where they're voting, and I agree! I wish he had just followed his own advice with me, because he would still be here right now. But his screw up does not at all compare to Emma... what the FUCK was she thinking, self-voting like that...? Like, HELLO? She throws out Juls' name all round, for I don't even know WHAT reason, since they were supposedly close, but it's implied she throws out Juls' name for getting 4 crowns on the challenge... Um, YOU STUPID BITCH YOU LITERALLY ONLY GOT ONE MORE CROWN THAN HER AND BEFORE THAT DID NOTHING ON THE SLIDE PUZZLE CHALLENGE OR THE TRIBE CHANT, DESPITE US KNOWING YOU CAN PUT IN THE TIME WHEN YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT IN THE ARENA :) Headass.... Then, after doing that all round, she SELF-VOTES??? WITH IMMUNITY AROUND HER NECK??? Girl you MUST be crazy, cus this is psychotic. Headass, deadass, she is gone the next time we lose tribal, which, lbr, is probably next time because we're LIT RALLY matsing. at least caeleb thinks i'm denise though. i feel like i have the same amount of wrinkles as her, after the stress of this game like 3 rounds in. imagine how tired i am.  

Round 3's over! That's fun, innit? Glad we got rid of some dead weight in Bailey. As for friendships and alliances, I'm still slightly on edge about Darcy - I trust Beck over him. Got acquainted with Karen - they seem nice, but I'll keep an eye on them, too. Other than that, Nicole and Tommy are the people I'm mainly corresponding with. Seems like fun! :) Here's to a fun Round 4!

Okay so we won this round which is fun! Tommy went to the arena which gives me, Karen and Kevin a good chance to bond because Stoner just isn’t paying attention ever. I wonder if he has even made a confessional. Anyway, I’m going to be real annoyed if we lose and he whips out an idol. Also going to be mad if after this round there’s a swap and I’m swapfucked. I don’t think it really COULD happen to me though, because I’ve talked to at least one newbie on each of the tribes. Unless I’m stuck with Nik, Emma and Billy who have no interest in speaking to me, I think I’ll be fine. Speaking of newbies, I find myself talking to Ben a lot but I’m under the impression he talks to a lot of people. He reminds me of a lot of friendly pure men in this community like Joey, just very social and very nice! The only thing is sometimes he will say something in a conversation and I don’t necessarily know where to go with it. For example right now he’s having a full conversation with me in the village chat about pizza. I don’t know what to do with this and rather not be so vocal in the village chat. While the other newbies are increasingly hard to talk to, and sitting around all day waiting for the arena stuff is boring, Ben is a very nice person to talk to but I just wish we would talk like...about the game not what I’m eating. When it comes down to it I want to know I have an ally or two to bring to the end that might offset my immediate threat of being a winner, but not give them so much power that they win over jury votes. He seems to be showing his social side and not giving me any game info at the same time, which I have to look out for. All of the other newbies I’ve spoken to have talked game. He’s either playing a really good game by doing this or a really transparent one, I can’t tell yet. We will have to see! 

Last night proved something that I’ve been wondering about Landen for a while. He truly is a snake. I unintentionally made a really good move in keeping it mysterious on who I was voting. In order to make the vote go his way and to keep Juls, he instead changed the vote to ME and got Jacob to do the same. Sneaky mother fucker 😋 thank god Juls stayed the same though. I know for an absolute fact now that I won’t be able to trust him. As for Jacob, I do hope he comes back, because now that I know where the tribe stands I know I can get him on my side.

I don't know if I ever had such a frustrating round for challenges first duolingo and now the arena I was in the lead in front of everyone until the last clue and I lost it all I didn't get a medal. I'm so pissed, you really don't wanna @ me anytime soon because I'm at the point where I wanna go off on someone. 

Love the tribe, so happy we 5-0d the last tribal!! it was a cute moment!! hehe, we seem to be very together as a unit

So Will’s gone, well he’s at the arena but i think he died so he’s probably out for good. Now that he’s out that leaves me on the bottom of my tribe as the next to go, my only hope is getting as close to sarah as I can and crossing my fingers for a swap! Due to that triple tribal I think it’s going to happen next... hopefully! 

Ughh i keep forgetting to make confessionals until right before the round ends so im always like oh shit and then dont really know what im gonna talk about so its not good. hows things in the life of jordan pines? great thanks for asking, while i still feel on the bottom of my tirbe i definitly see a swap coming soon which i think depending on how it goes would be pretty good for me. Id ideally like to stay with most of the people ive been with plus new ones, becuse i think im seen as like an expendable numebr to caeleb and Jacob. I want them to keep thinking of me like this while I go out and start forming stronger relationships, keep bringing in those jordan pines minions, i got my sights set on billy right now, i like him but he makes me look as humble as they come and ive i could definitly turn him into a goat for me with the right coaxing. Im hoping will survives the arena cause hes for sure a number for me, but hes also a lil innactive so maybe he peaced. Im starting to build relationships with Landen who I like. I havent even looked at the all winners tribe holy shit. Karen and Stoner are gonna be my biggest obstacles as they dont necesarily love me. Im gonna try to work with Nicole for a bit if i can tbh. Thats really all im feeling right now. I think best cast scenario is people use me as a number and carry me just a little too far that I can turn shit around and fuck em over. It's definitely gonna be an uphill climb to the finish line, but the only way to do it is go step by step.

I feel like I am in a great position on my tribe! I trust Sarah and Eve a lot. Pete says he has my back so we can only hope that in the case of another tribal council, I will be safe! I’m still going to work my ass off and play my ass off to stay safe and not have to go to another tribal! This game is long and hard and I’m trying to see big picture. And within that big picture is a flashing sign that’s telling me there’s a tribe swap soon! Hopefully I’ll be able to work some magic and avoid being on a tribe with individuals that don’t like me. But overall I’m feeling pretty good after the last tribal!

#zestypowerfuluniqueflavorfulhealthy #confessionals

[foxglovesound]

35,40 and 41 about Cuckoochirp and Minkstar! I mean a name change is in order no? Can't wait for the next page!

a name change is in order but thats going to snowthroat im afraid :’3c! she is (well…was) the deputy underneath plumstar ((mink had a close friendship to plum + ant tho bc ant was her mentor ;3c!)) and thank u so much :D! im excited for these upcoming pages!!

(also sorry this took me a hot second to answer! i was working on a piece at the same time that i ended up scrapping bc it turned out so bad e)

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

Cuckoochirp: Cuckoochirp’s a really friendly cat honestly! It’s very difficult to get on his bad side and if you have it’s a bit of a shock to RiverClan considering he’s like, the most easy-going and hard-to-anger cat in the clan! He’s very sweet to his friends and likes to joke around with them! His interactions really depend on who he’s interacting with - he’s more docile and calm around timid/nervous cats, but more energetic and playful around cats he’s particularly close to or other energetic cats (Vervainstripe, for example!)

Minkclaw: Minkclaw, on the other hand, is much more selective with who she spends her time with. She’s naturally kind and open to other cat, and she’s a very sociable molly, but she’s frank, but polite, and almost business-like in the early stages of a friendship - which is where she tests to see how much she likes the other cat’s personality. To the cats she does like and is particularly fond of, Minkclaw enjoys engaging in teasing banter, the occasional rough-house (she and Hornetflower played around a lot as kittens), and will go out of her way to invite them to hang out with her (whether it’s on patrols, hunting missions or just lounging around the camp). 

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?- since there arent any uh. service jobs?? i guess ?? in warriors universe im gonna go rank by rank!

Cuckoochirp: Cuckoochirp isn’t a defiant cat; he may tease and flirt and goof off but he bows his head when he needs too. He listens to what the deputies and leaders say and, unless there’s something inherently wrong with what they’re ordering, he follows through on what they say. However, if there’s one rank that he respects more than leaders and deputies, it’s his fellow seers (although Redflower kinda unnerves him); he has a close bond with Appleleaf, who helped him through his training when his mentor was struggling through old age (Hazelnose was even older than plumstar and was suffering through fatigue and forgetfulness as they reached their later years, so appleleaf stepped in and helped cuckoochirp when hazelnose was having a disoriented day). Whenever he needs answers for something, the first cats he turns to are his fellow seers for advice and opinions. Cuckoochirp has no qualms with ordering around warriors, apprentices, and kits - though he doesn’t tend to boss caretakers and elders around, seeing as caretakers are particularly skilled at managing themselves and others, and elders don’t really need to do much. If a warrior tried to order Cuckoochirp around, he’d be quick to object if it’s something he didn’t personally see necessary - and apprentices make sure to follow what Cuckoochirp says. Besides that, he’s still a sweetheart, and a lot of the youngsters are fond of him and his energetic, joking personality.

Minkclaw: Minkclaw does not base her respect around the rank of someone; she is a firm believer that respect is earned, and while she’ll start off being polite and understanding, she won’t be easy to boss around, especially if you’re either someone she already doesn’t like, or someone she’s not quite familiar with. She believes that just because someone’s a leader or deputy, doesn’t necessarily mean they were the best choice or even deserved the role in the first place. She’s one to start arguments with higher ranks if she doesn’t agree with what they’re suggesting - however, Minkclaw doesn’t actively go out of her way to be mean or harsh. She’s friendly with the apprentices and kits, often engaging in some games to keep them entertained or relating to an apprentice’s misfortune or rule-breaking with a story of her own personal mischief when she was younger; she’s also tends to not mess around or argue with caretakers. Her brother is a caretaker, after all, and she thinks their job of handling kits is already hard enough. 

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Cuckoochirp: Cuckoochirp has surprisingly low self-esteem when it comes to what he wanted - being a seer. His mentorship with Hazelnose towards the end had been rocky, and although Hazelnose tried their best, Cuckoochirp still felt insecurities growing with how both he and Hazelnose struggled with their predicament; I’ve touched up on this beforehand on a small writing piece but Cuckoochirp, for a little while at least, didn’t believe he deserved this position or he wasn’t qualified for it after Hazelnose’s death. In reality he is a pretty good seer, but he gets down on himself a lot when someone’s sick with or injured in a way he can’t fix. He feels like he must earn this role and just hadn’t met the requirement for this role, but he’s in it on his own currently. I should mention that he really does want to be a seer, but he just struggles with negative feelings and thoughts when something goes wrong - and in his position, things are bound to go wrong no matter what.

Minkclaw: Minkclaw personally views that there are things everyone has a basic right to, and things that people must earn. Ranks, for example, must be earned: if you want to be the top warrior, you’ve got to work your tail off to get there, likewise for seer, deputy or leadership. She doesn’t think things such as respect and authority should just be handed out randomly or on a bias - decency should be given without question, unless the cat in question is particularly corrupt or immoral. She, personally, strives for a high rank in RiverClan, even if that’s just being a highly respected warrior, so she makes sure to take on what she views as appropriate tasks to help her Clan’s security and safety. 

#minkclaw #cuckoochirp

[leegeumhyuks]

Seventeen in Toronto Highlights (Long Post)

this is gonna be such a shit post im basically ranting bc i have a lot of seventeen feels rn (its gonna be long too)

the concert happened like 4 days ago and I’m still not over it

Okay so I live in new Brunswick so it was a 15 hour drive one way. We drove up the day before and drove home the day after.

It was tiring, but so worth it. One of the best experiences of my life(oh btw i went with a friend ^^)

(not relevant to the concert but we went to a cute Korean store called Sarah and Tom which had a MASSIVE collection of kpop albums so I bought Going Seventeen and a BTS album :) )

Alright so the concert was at a place called Massey Hall which is more like a theater than a concert stadium [lowkey looked like a place you would go to see a play or an opera or some shit]

it was a pretty small place so really no matter where you sat, you could see really well so any seat was a good seat

Me and my friend were center-balcony near the back so we had a very clear view of the stage (other than there was some tall dude in front of me so it was a bit difficult at times)

We arrived outside the venue at around 6:20 (concert started at 7) and the line to get in already went around a whole block. People were stopping to ask what was going on and apparently it made the Toronto news??

So we get in at around 6:40 and the venue is already more than half full and theyre just playing music videos and everyone was singing along

And when I say everyone was singing along i mean everyone

Honestly I only remember a few of the songs but I they played BoomBoom, Very Nice, Highlight, Healing, and Check In

I have never been happier in my entire life when every single damn person in the venue did Mingyu’s “WhhoAHHH YeaAAHHH’ part. Super. Fucking. Loud

Alright so let me tell you my dudes, It was the biggest adrenaline rush when all the lights went out and you could see the boys run out on stage in the dimness. My heart felt like it stopped.

The lights turn on and I hear Dokyum say “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Diamond Edge” but honestly I wasnt even paying attention bc I was just so blown away

Literally my very first thought upon seeing them was “They’re not real” bc the very first person I looked at was Jeonghan and I thought he was so damn gorgeous he must be fake

He’s literal ethereal. I could go off about how good looking he is. Honestly the true visual of Svt (i swear hes not my bias)

So the very first stage was Pretty U and honestly I dont remember much bc i was too busy freaking out over the fact that I was actually there and they were actually here. I just remember everyone dancing along to Dokyums “Neoneoneoneo” part and all of us doing the “Yeppeuda” part

(they performed Beautiful right after and i really dont remember much of it other than the dance in the chorus [i have such a shit memory its mainly why im making this post before ill forget it all])

So after that they went straight into Adore U (which is my fav svt song although it probably isnt anymore after habits but ill talk about that in a bit)

Oh man if you thought I went off about Jeonghans visuals let me tell you about this mans vocals. They’re so sweet. Sweeter than honey. Jeonghans part in the chorus is my absolute favorite part of the song and it sounds 10000x better live. He just sings it so flawlessly while doing the dance and overall I was just so impressed??

Jihoon also sounded amazing but like let me just take a minute and say every single member sounded fucking perfect and flawless like if you aren’t stanning Seventeen then what are you doing

And the dances were so on point too. I didn’t notice any slip ups or anybody trippin or nothing. Like you’d think they’d show signs of fatigue or being tired bc they did two shows the few days before but they were all so hyped and gave their all in every stage and they genuinely looked like they were enjoying themselves

Anyways back to Adore U

Everyone in the crowd did the “Akkinda” part and I could see Soonyoung smiling so big bc of that like he was really happy bc of it

After Adore U finished they all lined up to do their intros and introduced themselves as a group and then did their individual intros

Most of them just did a casual “Hi I’m ___” but then you had the extra™️ members

Soonyoung got us all to chant something (im not sure what it was exactly I think it was ‘rock the beat’) and then he did his usual “What time is it??” “10 Hour 10 Minute” which honestly made my life i was hoping for him to do that (i love soonyoung sm honestly most of my favorite moments of the concert were bc of him)

Dokyum also did a thing where he got everyone to scream for him

All of their intros were great but none of them were as memorable as Jihoons for me

I know a lot of people were saying ‘He’s not that small in person’, but to me he was so small and cute and I just wanted to go and hug him bc hes so freaking adorable

So Jihoon’s kinda quiet and shy in general, we know that from variety shows and such but I saw it a lot in the concert. Like when other members were talking he just stood quietly with his hands folded and there was this one part where they all ran towards the edge of the stage and gave hearts and Jihoon like covered his face a bit and looked embarrassed 

So anyways he does like this cute little “Hi guys” and I just fucking melted right there. I made an audible “awwwww” sound that my friend was like ???

I love Jihoon so much and I will forever see him as the cute and adorable little smol (boi got a voice tho holy shit)

So they talked a bit more after that about how they walked around Toronto a bit the day before and how they were impressed with the crowd dancing along to Pretty U and Mingyu taught us a little chant where they would say “Seventeen Carat” and we would go ‘clap clap Ehhhhh’ it was weird but cute

So they went straight into Still Lonely from there and I hate my brain for not remembering most of it bc its one of my favorite songs but I just remember Minghao doing Jun’s part in the last chorus and sounding amazing honestly i want an official 13 member version of that song

So after that was Very Nice which was indeed, very nice. Dancing on point. Dino and Vernons rap were amazing and the whole audience did the “Maja” part

Also dont remember much of that stage but I definitely remember the last part bc thats the part where my son, Chan, is in the front. 10/10

Okay so I have 2 favorite performances of the night. One of which was Swimming Fool. I am such a hoe for Performance unit (considering 2 of my biases are in it) so actually every performance of theirs was my fav but Swimming Fool tho. 

That song is one of my favs and I had never seen the dance before so I was basically dying the whole time. Soonyoung’s little wiggle dance and the jumping up and down dance that Chan did. The whole dance was so cute tbh Ive been re-watching that video every day since. (if youve never seen the dance pls watch this. Not my video tho) 

Alright imma talk about Soonyoung for a minute. This boi. Was so hyper the entire concert. He  was doing his usual yelling during songs and was giggling a whole lot, I noticed. (He also dabbed like 20 times and i was like someone pls stop him)

(There was one part where he went and dabbed right in front of Jihoon and i laughed a little harder than i should have)

And I’m honestly so glad that Soonyoung was feeling great the whole time bc apparently at the Chicago(?) show he wasn’t able to perform bc he was sick so we were extremely blessed that all 13 members were well and healthy to perform for us so like thank u jesus for keeping them all safe

(I was lowkey worried about that a lot before the concert bc of when I heard Hyungwon was missing parts of the tour with MX so I was like “Lord pls let it be all 13″)

anywho so all the members went to change outfits and they played a vcr (dont remember what of tho i have such a shit memory)

So yall they did Mansae next and started out with the class chairs and Dokyum was the teacher at the blackboard it was rlly cute!! ^^ And towards the end they repeated the “MansaeMansae” part and got everyone to do the dance it was such a great time

So while the rest of the group was preparing for the next stage(i presume), Chan and Seungcheol came out, just the two of them, with a gopro and said it was the camera for “Going Seventeen” and were filming the crowd and interacting with us a bit. And then they had a dance battle (Which Dino clearly won Seungcheol didnt stand a chance against Michael Chanson)

So then everybody came out and did BoomBoom which was  incredible (every stage was amazing i feel like i shouldnt have to say it) Most of the crowd even did the shirt thing which was really fun. Chan slayed his rap (i love my son)

So after that there was another vcr and the members changed outfits again

Vocal unit came out and sang We Gonna Make It Shine and boys let me say I have never fell in love with someone vocals so much before in my life. Like I’ve always loved Jihoon’s voice bc it was unique and its got a nasally tone to it and I love it, but hearing it in person made me love it 100x more

And for a while I actually thought Jihoon wasn’t singing?? Bc he just sounded so flawless, like exactly like the recording that I thought ‘maybe hes lip singing bc his throat is bad or something’ and I’m hitting myself now for even thinking that bc really Lee Jihoon is just the most amazing vocalist I’ve ever heard Boo Seungkwan who???

So yeah Vocal unit slayed even though I’ll always like the 2014 version of that song with Soonyoung better

As soon as that song ended they went straight into Don’t Listen and omg let me talk about visuals. The stage had this whole setup with a table with some fancy ass candles on it and there was a throne that Joshua was sitting in and the lighting was really eerie and I really don’t listen to that song much but im gonna listen to it every day from now on bc damn

HipHop unit had their turn next where they did some song which I had never heard of before called “On Haeng Il Chi” and it was dope then went into Check In and once again everyone did Mingyus “ohhhhhHHh yeahH” part (glorious I tell you)

Seungcheol was serving looks the whole time bc he was wearing this black suit set and he just looked so good the whole time. Honestly Seungcheol was such a tease the whole concert and i got a look at his thighs at one point and man he thicc

Vernon was also wearing this nice green shirt and I just really liked it for some reason and I wish I had taken more pictures and videos I hate myself for not doing that

AlrIGHT Performance Unit time!!! So leadin up to the concert I thought they were gonna perform “WHO” bc it was a bonus track and I just thought they would perform it for some reason so when they were all standing there ready for the song to start, the amount of confusion on my face when OMG came on… Wasn’t disappointed tho that performance was awesome

Still would like to see a performance of WHO tho I hope they’ll do that next time

And then they did Highlight and me and my friend even switched seats so I could get a better video of it bc I love that song so much. Also leading up to the concert I knew they were going to do this song but I wasn’t sure if they were going to do 13 member version or not but I’m glad it was just the 4 of them

Oh man okay I’m gonna talk about my bias, Chan, for a second. His stage presence in every song is seriously amazing. A main reason why hes my bias is bc im a huge fan of his dancing and his dance style(and he pretty cute) and seeing him perform live was incredible. it was almost overwhelming bc I couldnt believe someone this talented existed and I was watching them in their element 

Like he put his all into the dance while still executing his raps and vocals perfectly. His voice actually does sound a bit different live, like its a bit higher than I expected but he was so on point the whole night why is he such an underrated member

Okay so the members had another outfit change after this and these outfits were straight up sinful. Not to mention the first song they performed in them was equally as sinful so I’m going to on about this performance bc this was the best performance imo. I will never forget it. It’s ingrained into my brain forever

So Crazy In Love starts. Okay so I don’t listen to this song much as far as just listening to it in my free time, but I’d seen the dance before so as soon as I heard the music, I knew we were royally fucked. I wasn’t expecting this song probably bc i forgot it existed but its my new fav song guys this performance ruined me. 

So the lights come on at the very first part and these mofos are wearing tight black skinny pants (which looked like they were leather but they werent) and red silk sparkly shirts that were tucked in. Every single member looked flawless 

(Also didn’t mention this before but all of their hair was styled so well bless the stylists. I normally prefer a more natural color for hair on idols so I was glad the colorful dye had faded and most of them just went with black or brown)

But lord have mercy when the song started. Okay Chan is my bias but I could not stop staring at Soonyoung almost the entire time - minus for Chan’s “talking about love” part (which I remember doing the dance for and screaming while doing so)

Like you get Swimming Fool Soonyoung whos all cute and playful and going “YEEEE HAWW” during the song and then you get Crazy In Love Soonyoung whos all bedroom eyes and sexy glares and just everything about the way he moves is mesmerizing (i swear. Hes NOT my bias)

So getting through the first chorus is hard enough when BOTH my bias and bias wrecker are up in front doing that provocative shit and I was so conflicted on which one to stare at but I ended up staring at Soonyoung the whole time. 

And then in the second chorus when it’s just Jeonghan doing it and both me and my friend screamed so loud ugh the outfits were so perfect for this dance i wanted to D I E

And then it gets to the Part in the song yknow the “Ooohhhhh” part where they spin around and when it was Soonyoungs part to do that by himself. I don’t even have words for how that made me feel. That image is in my mind forever. You know that meme thats like “you ever wonder whats going on in someones head?” well yeah its that for me

It’s just Soonyung doing that one dance move

okay moving on Ive talked about this enough

My I was right after and I’d never seen the dance to that either and it was really beautiful and cool like idk how to describe it. It was like a very romantic type of dance and Jun and Minghao had such great chemistry on stage together they really blew me away

OKay now imma freak out some more bc Vocal Unit performed Habits. I actually recorded this whole song so I wasn’t really paying attention to what was happening on stage bc they were all just standing there with mic stand anyways. I was enjoying the audio and their lovely vocals. (Again, Jihoon really exceeded my expectations in this song. Like for some members like Dokyum and Seungkwan I know theyre gonna sound great and its not like I didn’t for the rest but I’m just still not over how good EVERYONE sounded)

So I’m enjoying them vocals and the song ends and my friend taps on my arm and points to her face and there are actual tears. This bitch really cried. At the time I was like “during Habits of all songs??” but i was so naive now I understand(I cried 2 days later listening to that song)

Hiphop unit then did If I which I remember 0 of I think I was still too shook from Vocal Unit

I just remember their little hip thrust dance and then immediately after was a ment and Soonyoung was mimicking HH units dance and giggling like an idiot and got the whole crowd to sing and dance to If I

“Ohh Toronto. Dancing good”

Then they were all arguing over which unit’s performance suited Toronto the best but then decided that they all did

And then Soonyoung dabbed

Too many times

Everyone also dabbed with him this group is a M E S S

And then they got Jeonghan to do Aegyo so he spun around and made a heart and said “Toronto I love you!” in the cutest voice possible I swear I’m in love with Jeonghans voice

And then Wonwoo did a cute little dance to which we all chanted ‘Go Wonwoo’ for and then Soonyoung dabbed

again

(It made Jihoon cringe every time)

Then Jeonghan tried to get Seungkwan to sing something and Boo was like ‘moVING ON” but he gave in and sang a bit of Hello by adele which was really nice. Like damn the acoustics in that theater were no joke bc its a theater (i assume) made for plays and stuff and him singing without any track sounded really nice.

And then they asked my boi Chan to dance so he started singing Billie Jean by Michael Jackson and doing the hipthrust dance and Seungkwan ran over like ‘nOO”. But Chan just kept dancing and singing and having a good time and being w i l d  to which Seungcheol cracked up at. He literally fell on the floor laughing

And they kept going on about how this was a totally special stage for Toronto, “only for Toronto”

So then they went on to say they were gonna perform a very “hot” song next and my clueless ass was like ‘Don’t wanna cry?’ but naw it was ROCK which I only recorded part of bc the lighting was bad and my phone sucks

But okay I can just say that Wonwoo’s voice sounds 10x deeper in person. If you thought his rap was really deep in that song, wait until you hear it live. For a long time Wonwoo was my favorite rapper in kpop and I think hes regaining that title he was very good the whole night and I really like his deep voice

and then they did Chuck which was SO AMAZING HOLY CRAP

I love that song sm in the first place but I love it even more now upon seeing and hearing it in person. I recorded a bit of that one too and love it i watch that video like 3 times a day

So then they had another short Ment where they taught us the dance to Chuck and Soonyoung doing the “brrrr” part was so adorable I wanted to die. (I feel like Im talking about Soonyoung a lot but im just so glad he was able to perform in Toronto ilysm)

So then Vernon was like “I actually have some bad new for yall” and all the members were like ‘whaaat??’ and pretending to be shocked

So Vernon goes on: “The next song is actually the last song for the night” and Soonyoung made this fake crying noise and then dabbED LIKE 5 TIMES

That was when he went over to Jihoon and dabbed right in front of him and then was like “Oh my god our last song?”

and then Vernon being the cheeky ass that he is was like “Yeah and I really dont wanna cry about it” and then him and Soonyoung went to the back of the stage to “cry” and all the other members were “crying”

Then Vernon came back and like “I wonder what our next song is tho? Hm????” and im like really bitch

So Soonyoung yelled ‘are you ready’ a few times and then they performed Don’t Wanna Cry which was INCREDIBLE 

They were all in perfect sync like im seriously amazed. These boys probably have to practice day and night to get dances like that. It was amazing

So the boys left the stage for a bit and there was a another vcr which was of all the member explaining what carats were to them and it was really sweet and my friend cried again (she cried like 3 times that night) and I died at Jihoons bc there was this short clip of him and hes just so darn cute

so they came out again and performed Shining Diamond but were wearing casual jeans and half were wearing blue shirts and the other half were wearing pink shirts and Soonyoung looked so good in that outfit bc his shirt was tucked in in the front and his hair was just so great

anyways they all looked like they had fun performing that song and Soonyoung was yelling as usual and there was one part of the dance that was super satisfying bc all the colors of the shirts lined up and it was just really nice to look at. 

And then they performed Healing which we had special banners to hold up during. There was one part I remember bc I couldnt see bc everyone was holding their banners above their heads, but Seungcheol jumped onto Mingyus back and koala hugged him for a good minute and a half and Mingyu kept trying to get him off and Seungcheol just smiled like an idiot and latched on. Eventually he got down and then grabbed his water bottle and dumped half of it onto the people in the front(splash zone)

So once that song ended, Toronto Carats had actually prepared something special for Seventeen. So certain seats had a red board on it that you would hold up after Healing ended but only so many seats had them so it made a message in the crowd and I think it was just 2 hearts and ‘1 7′ and the members looked really surprised like Vernon and Minghao were next to each other and were like :O

Seungcheol and Jeonghan looked really shocked too, overall none of them expected it

So then the goodbye ments came and I was ready to die as soon as they started. They all said the similar kind of thing like “we had a good time we’ll come again soon ect…” 

But Minghao’s was all in english and it was the cutest damn thing i have ever heard in my life. He started out with “Today I am so happy because of our Toronto Carats energy.”

and then says the cutest shit ever: “We are like friends. We look after each other and love each other” He also kept looking over at Vernon to make sure he was saying it right

and then he said something like “we care for each other” and the fkcigingf df went “and everyone, don’t be sick. Always be happy okay?” IN LIKE THE CUTEST WAY POSSIBLE I WANTED TO SCREAM I MEAN I PROBABLY DID BUT STILL

and then I only remember Chan saying something like “We’ll be back soon, and when we are you have to promise that you’ll come to our show” and then Soonyoung and Seungcheol held out their pinkies for us to promise them and I held my pinky bc I damn promise if they come to Toronto again I will be seeing them for sure. Or I’ll try my best anyways

and they all gave us hearts and said they loved us and did a bow and then all had to leave the stage and I almost cried;;

I remember Soonyoung was the last to leave the stage bc he kept waving and saying goodbye

Also I remember a person sticking their hand out one last time and it was kind funny bc I just see this random hand pop out for like a split second. I didn’t know who it was at the time, but I later found out it was Dokyum :3

So yeah, he’s not my bias, but Soonyoung made my night

Anyways. I’m still having post-concert depression. Honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to listen to another seventeen song again without crying. All in all, it was one of the best nights of my life and if it wasn’t for my best friend who bought the tickets and surprised me with them and her mom who drove us up the whole long way. Highlight of my summer. 

#i say honestly a lot #god this is long #took me like 3 hours to write and i had to watch fancams to remember stuff #i love seventeen so much you guys honestly u dont udneratand #i cried like 3 times the other day #bc of them #seventeen #diamond edge #toronto #2017 #svt #17 #my post #long post

[wormvalentine444]

if u wanna know how my year went

anyway 2017 was far worse for me than 2016 2016 I had a couple jobs at least and I was thriving for the most part even though I was using alcohol to drown out my trauma from breaking up with my abuser in 2015. I had friends and I went out and it was good. in 2017 I spent the whole first half of the year drowning in an eating disorder and trying to find a job, going to many many interviews and always failing. in 2017 I had two “best friends” that I introduced to each other so we could all be friends together but they would constantly trigger the fuck out of me (one of them unintentionally but I'm pretty sure the other intentionally) so I would spend all my time locked in my house starving myself because I didn’t feel worthy enough to hang out with them until I was skinny but obvs you can’t survive on 500 calories a day (and burning it all off at the gym) forever so I starting b/ping and I did it every single day. i’m surprised I didn't die tbh. and I'd look on snapchat and see my two best friends hanging out together and living and having fun while I was wasting away. anyway I cut them off but summer is always terrible because my boyfriend is an alcoholic and I just spent the whole summer feeling this weird mix of missing out and also being angry at the fact that he’s an alcoholic. like I get this weird feeling that I want to be an alcoholic too because when I was in 2016 I was my happiest and people liked me and I experienced a lot and life was better. but my eating disorder wouldn’t let me drink and I just didn’t want to sink down that whole again I guess. and my boyfriend had this TERRIBLE roommate and his house was absolutely filthy all the time and they would drink every single day it was so fucking toxic and disgusting. beer cans and moldy dishes and fruit flies everywhere. and I hated his roommate too and I still do he’s my boyfriends best friend and he’s a shitty fucking person. he’s racist sexist and homophobic and fucking full of himself. and my boyfriend would never come over to my house so I always had to go there and his roommate would not ever leave us alone so in order to hang out with my boyfriend I HAD to hang out with this shitty fucking dude and watch them drink disgusting beer and play videogames I hated and talk in their shitty little inside jokes that were so unfunny. I felt like a third wheel and I felt disgusting in that house. LUCKILY he found a girlfriend and moved out asap and my boyfriend asked me to move in so I did (it took weeks to clean the place btw). I moved in in august then started going to university in September after not being in school for two years. and I guess this huge change in my life so quickly just took a toll on my brain. for the first few weeks I felt NOTHING I was so disassociated and depersonalized all the time. it felt like hell but it was nothing compared to what was coming. in September I had my first real panic attack. I thought my friends had drugged me with acid. it really felt like I was going to die. I felt so dizzy and disorientated and just terrified. I went to the ER and they told me nothing was wrong. after that I'd always be almost having a panic attack all the time, like one was about to come at any time. after that I had many mini ones and another big one in November where I called the ambulance because I thought I got poisoned. this is around the time I started to get agoraphobia. I tried to go to class but when I did I would get the symptoms of a panic attack and I'd have to leave class (hot flashes, dizziness, dp/dr) and by the end of it I just stopped going to school. I dropped out of my art class (mostly because I hated that we were only painting boxes and I'd just rather use the expensive supplies for my own art) and I missed one of my final exams. most likely I can get it deferred but it’s possible I can’t. for my final portfolio in English I have to write two short stories and 3 poems and I haven’t started any of them yet and they were due on MONDAY with two docked marks each day. I don’t know why I haven’t started. I feel so disassociated and out of it I just keep sleeping all day and binge eating. my philosophy final is on the 22nd and I hope I'm able to leave the house because I haven’t been able to leave the house in weeks. sometimes even leaving my room is too much. the house is a mess again and it makes me feel disgusting. I keep trying to starve but it doesn’t work I'm too stressed. I got prescribed Paxil but I'm too scared to try them. I also got prescribed klonopin and im almost out and I honestly don’t know what I'm going to do without them. I think I might die. Christmas is coming up and I don’t want to go to parties I just want to hide. everything is too much right now. that was my 2017 folks just delayed trauma from my 3 year abusive rleationship that ended in 2015!!! good things that happened in 2017: seeing bob Dylan live in July, going to the rocky horror picture show on halloween with my two best friends and my boyfriend and then afterwards seeing my favourite local band play and having one of the members tell me I had a good vibe, seeing Andy shauf live and crying the whole time and meeting him afterwards. I made two really awesome friends who are both aries and we started a band together!!! I reconnected with my best friend and she moved and now lives a 15 min walk from me!! in 2018 I'm going to try and lose weight healthily I'm going to buy ice skates and go skating on Sunday by myself and I'm going to walk to school everyday and maybe go to the gym and weight train sometimes and I'm going to eat 1000-1200 calories (I know it’s still kinda low but it’s better than what I initially planned) and I'm going to start hula hooping too and I'm going to buy roller skates in the summer. one I lose enough weight I'm going to try and build muscle so I can be strong I'm going to an ear nose and throat doctor at the end of January because I have fluid in my ears which may be causing some of my dizziness which is one of my panic attack triggers. I'm also going to a psychiatrist at the end of January and hopefully get a nice cocktail of drugs that will help me. I’’m really hoping for Wellbutrin or something that combats fatigue because that will really help me so so so much. I'm also seeing chad vangaalen for the third time in January!!! I'm going to try and do better this term and keep up on all my school work. I'm taking biology which is my favourite and I'm really excited!! I'm going to try harder than I've ever tried before to find a job. I might have to wait till February to clear my mind a bit and become more mentally well. I'm going to make a lot of art and make prints of it and sell it all in the summer!!! it’s one of my dreams to be able to make some money off my art but right now I just don’t have enough of it. I'm going to try and make it my goal to do some art everyday. I'm also going to get back into music because it’s one thing depression took from me. every time my boyfriends at work I'm going to practice music and eventually I want to make an album of my own and one of my goals of 2018 is to perform on a stage for the first time. I'm scared me and me boyfriend are going to eventually break up. My aquarius moon wants to live on my own so so so so bad but my venus cancer needs companionship. also I can’t afford any bachelor suites or anything anyways.  I love my boyfriend so much and we are best friends but his friends are so so so so so toxic. a lot of his friends I dislike but  most of them I love dearly but they are all alcoholics and some are coke addicts and I just hate being around that kind of stuff so much :( I hate the anxiety of going to a prrty and knowing theres going to be coke there because I got slightly addicted but I know I can’t do it because I have heart problems and it could easily kill me. sometimes I get too drunk and I don’t care and do it anyways and thats so fucking dangerous. my boyfriend is a social person and needs to hang out with his friends all the time but they can never hang out sober. they ALWAYS drink and thats such a toxic friendship tbh and it makes me really upset and drinking causes pretty much %100 of our fights but you can’t really change someone he told me he’d go to counselling for me but how are you supposed to quit/slow down on drinking when all of your friends drink every single day......so as much as I love him I feel that his friends and his alcoholism are eventually going to lead to our end, but I'm trying to be optimistic. I hate a lot of things and I hate a lot of people and I'm going to try and change that because I feel like I'm such a Debbie downer all of the time. people annoy me easily and I get mad easily and I'm so irritable. maybe pills will help with that. I'm going to try and make more friends that I enjoy the company of and maybe they’ll make me a better person I told myself 2017 would be the year of glowing up but I didn’t at all. moving out and going to school is an achievement but I feel like personally I have made no progress at all. I feel so stuck. I want to grow. I'm going to try my hardest to grow this year.

#rant #ed tw #I have no one else to talk to