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camnotes · 24 days

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BEFORE LONDON

4 years ago, 2010

Thu's first scholarship application to the university in London failed because she wrote more or less 2000 words for a 400-word essay. It was not the first time she did not care about the word limit and fail a competition. In secondary school, Thu went to extra-classes for Literature taught by the best Literature teacher of the school. Thu and others were encouraged to write as long as they can, at least four full pages of writing for a 45 minute Literature written test. This year, in addition to submitting the carefully counted 398 word essay, Thu had the chance to meet up with the scholarship director during the UK education fair in Hanoi. He ordered the second coffee with smiley eyes and mouth when Thu asked him about his degree in Archaeology before. Martha, her American friend, told Thu before that she knows how do 'disarm' people when they did a mock interview. Thu actually learned this from a friend who earned a full scholarship at a top university in Canada - 'google' your interviewer's name then talk about their past or interests.

Thu checked her email after tutoring English in exchange of drawing lesson by a friend of her who came back from Art University in Beijing and her cousin. It was the 23rd of July, 2010. Thu screamed, smiled in bursting tears 'I got the full scholarship'. Vinh, her friend, smiles and warn calmly 'You will cry more during the three years'. Thu insisted 'No, I have been through a lot already. I would be fine'.

Thu called her mum, mum calmly said with probably a big smile 'The fairy tale has come true' Thu texted all friends, they all replied with joy and lots of exclamations and happiness for her. They all knew Thu had suffered so much from her parents' conflicts and struggled so much to apply to study in the U.S. and then the U.K. in the last two years. More than a month before the flight, together with her mum and friends, Thu bought all she thinks she would need for three years in London, mainly clothes because she thought they would be very expensive in London. She would need a long leather jacket that covers till the knees and two other big leather jackets. London is known as a foggy city and England must be a cold country. She bought clothes from the Made in Vietnam shops where they sell clothes that were made for western brands with small minors so they stay in Vietnam, supposedly sold with cheaper prices. The visa result only comes two days before the flight and that is when Thu went to buy two suitcases - they were more expensive than everything else but Thu can use them for life, she would not want the wheels to break in the middle of the trip. They run out of black ones so she got a yellow pair - one small, one big - in the end, it is her favourite colour. Thu packs everything the night before the flight, white night. Her mum fell asleep throughout the night, of course she already hid away the clothes she would rather Thu not wear, either 'quirky' or start to be old.

7am, a friend came over with her motorbike to give Thu a ride to go print the flight ticket in Bach Khoa University area. 8am, the taxi arrived. Mum often said she would have the taxi stop right at where she has her food stall the day Thu flies away but it was actually further back, right in fornt of her house. Thu saw her dad's mum sitting in front of the neighbor's house with the old woman who sells babyduck eggs as breakfast snacks. This grandmother properly overheard that Thu's leaving. Was her dad sleeping or looking through the window curtain from the second floor, she didn't have time to think about that. Thu decided not to tell her dad about her flight because she was afraid he might make a scene and cause some problem to her departure…He might not. But you never know…Thu and mum caught some sleep in the taxi. 9am, Thu, her two aunts and her mum arrive at the airport with her uncle and his wife waiting there already - he'd rather drove his boss's car now that he has a driving license rather than joining the rest in a taxi. One of her aunts knows a guy at the airport so Thu can have 10 kilos more of luggage and Thu was rushed to check in first, despite the long queue of people - they must have looked at Thu with disguised eyes. Her other aunt tried to put more underwears - gift from the other aunt, in Thu's hand luggage that was already too full. Aunt's cheeks were getting red. It probably was her first time at such a big airport in such an occasion.

10am. It's time Thu check in and said the final goodbye to everyone. Mum was too sleepy and tired. They did not hug. It was probably still too western a thing for them all.

Thu arrived at London airport late in the evening. The Belgian guy who said would come to pick her up is not there. Thu paid some pound money to use the internet at the airport, he writes in the message on Facebook that his girlfriend stays in Belgium so he will not study in London anymore. Dragging two big suitcases with the hand luggage on top of the big one, Thu took a taxi, asking him how much is it to the address she has - he said around 50 pounds. The university website says it's around 35 pounds but it's late now so she thought that's ok. The taxi went slowly, Thu could see things on the sides, he stops at many traffic lights. Thu thought that was nice, normally they would drive fast to save the time. Arriving at the university on Marylebone Road, the taxi driver asked for 70 pounds - Thu questioned in surprise, he said there were many traffic lights and it's counted according to the time. It was the most money Thu spent ever in London. Thu went to the corner of the street and saw a McDonald store, never had it before, she bought a meal deal - compared to Vietnamese street food, it was bad.

The first week in London, Thu stayed in a single room on the 16th floor of the university's student hall. Thu took hundreds of photos of the blue sky, white clouds. The first morning, wearing black tight, black skirt, with a colourful hoody, Thu turned left on Marylebone Road, then turn left again on Baker Street. 'Oh, people are not too tall here', Thu thought to herself when realising she has the average height compared to people walking next to her here. People walk fast. Thu realised then slowed down to her normal speed. Thu stopped at E.A.T and have some food that is not good enough to be remembered. In the afternoon, Thu turned right after getting out of the student hall, walking along Marylebone Road and decided to turn right on the small road that attracted her attention. Thu stopped at the first cafe for lunch, it was a Spanish or Mexican restaurant, Thu ordered some omelette - it was a huge portion, Thu couldn't finish, asked for a box to bring the rest home. From there looking to the opposite site is a clean glass store with nice installation and decoration inside, people walking pass by white, clean, well-dressed - everything was like a two open page from a Western European magazine. The sign says 'Marylebone High Street'.

The second day in London, mum called, crying like a child in the phone 'I have cleaned all your things in the room, either putting in boxes or giving away. Even though we fought a lot sometimes, I miss you a lot'. It is probably the first time mum said such cheesy words to Thu. They don't do that in Vietnamese culture.Thu still remembers it took her half of the night after a big fight with mum to say 'I'm sorry'. It was during the hard time when Thu's parents got separated the second time - this time her dad didn't leave the house like when they got divorce nine years ago but stayed in the same house and start fights often, going with some other women as usual and that drove Thu's mum a little bit nuts.

Thu was not sad as mum of course, finally her dream has come true - studying abroad, with a full scholarship - her new life starts from here and now!

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cee-grice · 8 months

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Happy STS, Cee!

How much writing did you do before starting WWCC? Are there any finished or unfinished stories you've almost forgotten about? If so, how do you feel about them now?

heyy Sam, thanks for the ask!!<3

oh, I did a whole lot of writing haha. I first started writing in 2014, and I actually finished it LOL. most of my original fiction up until... 2019 was exclusively in lithuanian, but I started writing fanfiction in english in 2015 and have last written some last year x)) besides one-shots and a couple of short stories, I've actually never finished a longer piece of work in english, so this is gonna be a first lol!

some of my recent fanfictions still hold a very special place in my heart; I still think they're pretty neat and often reread them<3 older ones I don't really feel anything about one way or the other. the lithuanian works, however...

honestly? I feel pretty salty about them. the first work I ever wrote was a short fantasy novel, because that's what I liked in stories. once I started high school, however, I got more involved in the literature scene (contests, critiques, the like). and there's this prevalent idea in literature class that certain type of stories are intrinsically worth more. I was always horribly bored during those classes because the kind of stuff we analyzed (''serious literature'') was just not for me. I wanted fantasy and magic and high stakes and adventure and proper romance and— you get it lol.

but I was also a terrible people-pleaser, so I forced myself to also write that kind of stories to appeal to my teachers. they were never impressed with what I could offer them, because I didn't properly understand the appeal of "serious literature" so I didn't do it properly lol. instead, the couple of more fantastical short stories that I wrote and showed them got me the response of 'write about what you know, not fantasy', meaning, my life. I mean, my lit teacher, when she read that short novel, told me I 'wasn't writing literature'. okay! another literature teacher displayed blatant favoritism for a classmate who could pull off the "serious literature" thing, whereas I preferred more fantastical stories which she didn't see as valuable lol

that did damage my love for writing for a while there haha. for years I made myself write what I didn't want because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. fantasy and magic wasn't "real" literature, and I wanted to write real literature, right? not the "pop" kind that only appeals to those that don't want to think? I'll never be a respected author if I didn't write the "serious" kind of stories. what was bland to me was supposed to be good, so I was probably just wrong lol. I'm just a teen, what would I know?

anyway, in the mean time, I took solace in fanfiction, because that had way less rules and I could actually write what I wanted without worrying that it wasn't serious enough. I wasn't trying to become an author from fanfiction, obviously! so it didn't matter! and it took me leaving high school to accept that those rules were fucking stupid to begin with. I wanted to be a fantasy author, and that was that. so, I started to write original fiction in english, embracing the fantasy element, and now we're here lol. I'd like to some day write in lithuanian again, too, but right now, the thought just gives me dread x)) we'll see how it goes, I guess :v

#sts ask #ty again<3 #oof this got long lmao #i'm still salty can you tell

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nashibirne · 3 years

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Where The Wild Roses Grow - An August Walker Story - 2

You can find part 1 on my masterlist

Pairing: August Walker x OFC (Fern)

Summary: Don't screw the crew? This doesn't work for August Walker

Warnings: Smut, Sex, 18+, NSFW, unprotected sex, oral sex (f and m receiving), kinda soft August

Unbeta'ed! English is not my mother tongue, so please be lenient with me

Disclaimer: I don't own August Walker (but he owns me...)

Pics for the header taken from Pinterest.

Taglist: (let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@lunedelorient @inlovewithhisblueeyes @willkatfanfromasia @hell1129-blog @mis-lil-red @agniavateira @kebabgirl67 @omgkatinka @legendarywizarddetective @summersong69 @taebfada @xxxkatxo @madbaddic7ed @artandotherdelights

~~~~

Fern

"Morning, Fern." August and Peter greet me in unison on this Thursday morning before they go straight to Pete's office where a potential client's already waiting for them.

I've always hated my name. It's so old fashioned and boring, it's a name for an old spinster, not for a woman my age. I would use my second name if it wasn't even worse. Prudence. I mean, come on...you have to admit that's dreadful. But if you'd known my parents you wouldn't be surprised.

When I was born my mother was already 45 years old, my father even 49. After 20 years of trying in vain they'd given up on hoping for a child but then my mum got pregnant with me. They were very religious, god-fearing people and when they finally held me in their arms it was a miracle, a blessing, God's gift to them and they always treated me accordingly, like a precious treasure they had to hide from the bad world outside. They loved me dearly but this love was so overpowering it almost stifled me. I never went to school, my mum home-schooled me, which was okay, I didn't miss anything but then again, you can't miss something you don't know I guess.

I was a shy child and so in some way I was glad that I didn't have to interact with other kids. I only had one good friend. Her name was Kayla and she and her parents lived next door. Her family couldn't have been more different from mine, her dad was a dentist, mine was a carpenter, her mum was a teacher, mine was a housewife, she had three older brothers, I was an only child, their house was bright and modern, always open for everyone, ours was a dark victorian building, very cosy and beautifully furnished but with a forbidding appearance on the outside, so besides Kayla we hardly ever had any visitors and my parents liked it that way.

When I went to college it was really hard for them and one hell of a fright for me. I went through a culture shock and it was quite the ride but luckily I had Kayla by my side. She could have gone to better colleges but she decided we'd go to Virginia together to visit the William & Mary. We had a great time there and I had a lot to catch up on and that's what I did. Parties, alcohol, sex...it was a whole new world for me but thanks to Kayla I didn't get lost, she made me find a balance between celebrating and studying and I will always be grateful for her patience with me. She's still my best friend, my only friend actually and we're in close contact although she's a district attorney in Texas now and I'm in London.

But I don't want to bore you with my past. I guess you want to know more about my life here and now. Well, it's not that interesting either. As I said I hardly do anything more than work, eat and sleep but I've started to take piano lessons and I really like it. It goes better than I had expected, my teacher is a very friendly elderly woman called Mary. Boooo….still boring, you say? We'll there's something about those lessons that's not so boring. I...oh wait, there comes August. Gotta get back to work.

"We did it, Fern." A big, smug grin appears on his handsome face. "They signed the contract. We're gonna celebrate this, when Pete's back."

"Congratulations. That's a big deal."

"It is. A real big fish. If they recommend us in their line of business other deals are gonna follow, this could be our final break-through."

"Does this mean I get a salary rise?" I ask with a smirk.

"Sure. The three of us worked very hard for this. You will have your fair share. "

"What?" I ask with a seductive smile. "Just like that? No negotiations?"

August pulls me close with a mischievous grin. "You want to negotiate, pretty?" He whispers in my ear, sliding his hands under my skirt.

"I'd love to. Where did Pete go and how long will he be gone?" I wrap my arms around his neck.

"I told him to get some champagne and oysters."

"I hate oysters." I pout.

"Forget the oysters, we have 20 minutes."

He hooks his thumbs into the sides of my silken panties and pulls them down slowly so I can step out of them. He tries to lift me up but I wriggle out of his hands.

"Let me reward you for your success and earn my salary rise properly." I give him a sexy smile and drop to my knees. August raises his eyebrows and nods in approval.

"Yeah, use that pretty mouth of yours."

I open his fly and get out his half-hard dick. After a few strokes he's fully erect and his size and girth never seize to amaze me. August Walker has the most beautiful cock I've ever seen. Just looking at it makes me wet and my pussy throb. I start to lick the tip slowly, teasing him and I love the way he moans and grabs me by my hair to make me take him in my mouth. I obey and wrap my lips around his shaft, popping my head up and down. I suck him off like I know he loves it, taking him as deep as possible. His breath goes short now and he's gasping and panting, his head leaning against the wall, his eyes are closed. I know he's not gonna cum, he never comes first, always makes sure to satisfy me before he reaches his high and so I'm not surprised when he suddenly pulls out and gets on his knees too.

He kisses me, which is unusual but he seems to love to taste himself on my tongue. He makes me lay down on my back and then he fucks me missionary style. He doesn't do it often, he prefers doggy or railing me pressed against a wall but when he does it's fantastic. He fucks me deep and slow, rolling his hips in a smooth rhythm and I look him right in his ocean blue eyes. He hits my g-spot with every thrust and he makes me cum within minutes. After I'm done with my orgasm he sits back on his heels. "Now finish what you've started." He growls and I continue sucking him off eagerly. Now I'm the one who tastes herself on him. He grabs my hair, holds my head in place and mouthfucks me hard but not too deep. He respects my boundaries and I don't like deep throat, I tried it, but it's not my thing and he knows that. "Fuck...Fern…" He cries out my name when he comes in my mouth and I swallow every drop of his spunk, I even lick his dick clean and I know he loves the sight of me kneeling in front of him, my tongue running over his tip and shaft. He lets out a long sigh before he gets up and stuffs his dick back into his pants. With a grin he grabs my panties and throws them at me. I catch them laughing.

"You're really the best boss a woman can wish for." I give him a smirk and he chuckles. "You can stop buttering me up. You've already earned your reward."

"I'm not doing this for the money." I wiggle my eyebrows and wink at him before I go to the bathroom to freshen up.

August

Wow, this was one of the best fucks in a while. I love it when she sucks my dick. Seeing her mouth stuffed with my thick cock is such an enormous turn-on for me. She takes me so well, her lips feel so tight around my shaft and her kitten-like tongue teasing me is just the best. Only thing better is fucking her ass but that doesn't happen too often. It requires time that we usually don't have and she has to be in the right mood for a hot round of butt sex. Sorry if I sound like a sex maniac but to be honest there's not much more in my life besides fucking and working and a few hours of sleep at night. It's just Walker & Brooks SecTec and Fern. That's what my life circles around and it's good the way it is. Honest work and casual sex, a good combination if you ask me.

When Peter is back we have a glass of champagne and some oysters. Fern enjoys some sushi Pete bought for her because he somehow knew she hates oysters. We're all in a great mood and we decide that we finish work for the day and just have a good time and a nice chat before we go home.

I take another oyster and make a little show of lapping up the meat from the shell, using more tongue than necessary. I give Fern a lewd smile and she bites her lip in a way that makes my dick twitch. Pete just smirks, raises his glass and speaks a toast. "Here's to the future. May it be successful and may it make us fucking millionaires." He giggles quite girlish, he's already drunk after just three glasses. I guess he usually doesn't drink anything but energy drinks and coffee.

"Cheers." Fern beams all over her face and I repeat her words. "Cheers."

I glance at her. Her cheeks are rosy and her eyes sparkle, she looks so sexy right now I want her again. I know it's just been an hour that I filled her with my cum but I just can't stop thinking about eating her out. I place my hand on her thigh and start stroking it under the table. She doesn't react but I know she likes it. When I let my fingers wander higher she gets up with a jolt. "Excuse me. I'll be right back." She leaves the room and I manage to wait 60 seconds before I excuse myself too. Peter rolls his eyes, knowing exactly what I'm up to but he doesn't say a word. I go straight to the ladies room where Fern is washing her hands. She's surprised to see me and before she can say a word I crash my lips on hers, kissing her feverishly. I lift her up and put her down on the edge of the sink before I get down on my knees.

"August, what are you doing, Peter's waiting for us…"

"Forget Peter, I wanna lick your pussy."

And that's what I do, I pull her panties aside and run my tongue through her wet folds slowly before I start kissing, licking and sucking her clit.

Fern stifles an aroused moan and whispers my name softly.

"God, August...we shouldn't be doing this…"

"Want me to stop?" I look up at her with a devilish grin.

"God, no…"

And so I continue to eat her out, to enjoy her smell, the taste of her flowing juices, the sound of her moans and the little shriek when she comes for the second time today. She's shaking and my dick is throbbing in my pants.

I get up and she looks at me with a fake-annoyed frown. "Boss, you're gonna be the death of me. Two times a day? Really?"

"It's the oysters." I grin. "They're known for being an aphrodisiac."

"What about you." She touches my boner that's visible in my pants.

"Don't worry. When I get home I'm gonna jerk off in the shower thinking of you. Of your sexy tits, your hot ass and your tight pussy."

She hits me on my arm. "You're such an idiot. Let's get back and try to pretend nothing's happened." She laughs light-heartedly and I love the sound of it.

"You go first. I follow in two minutes. Have to wait for my boner to soften."

Five minutes later we're back with Peter in the middle of a conversation about how well everything's going at the moment. Peter mentions that he's planning to buy a Porsche soon and Fern makes him promise to take her on a ride.

"I'm gonna order it as soon as the money from the museum is on our account." He smiles in anticipation. We have updated their security system a week ago and are expecting the incoming payment every day.

"Oh, speaking of the museum. They send you those free tickets for the Caravaggio exhibition. You're not planning to go, are you?"

"No." Peter and me say in unison. We're both not very much into art. "Do you wanna go? You can have my ticket of course." I say to Fern with a generous look on my face.

"Yeah, thanks. Actually I need both tickets."

"Both? For you and who? A suitor?" Peter asks in a teasing tone, giving her a wink.

Fern blushes a little and I wonder what's going on, she never blushes.

"Well...yeah. Something like that. I'm going on a date on Saturday."

I can't believe my ears. Did she really say she has a date? Just like this? A fucking date? I try to pull myself together and not to show my surprise but I feel the tiny frown that appears between my raised eyebrows though the rest of my face remains blank.

"A date?" I try to sound as casual as possible.

"Yeah, you may have heard of it. Two people meet and go out together to get to know each other better." Fern chuckles.

"I know what a date is." I snap.

Fern rolls her eyes. "Fine."

Peter eventually asks the question that's running around on my mind but won't come out of my mouth. "And who's the lucky guy?"

"His name is Lucas."

"Where did you meet him?" I have my face and my voice under control again.

"Oh, he takes piano lessons too but with a different teacher. We met waiting for our lessons and so we got into conversation and last week he asked me out."

"Sounds good, take my ticket and have some fun with a decent lad." Pete says, giving me a quick glance. I know he doesn't think it's a good idea that I fuck Fern, he thinks I'm going to hurt her but I don't care. It's none of his business.

"Yeah. Enjoy your date." I nod but the mood's ruined and after another fifteen minutes we decide to call it a day and go home.

~~~~

tbc

#henry cavill #cavillry #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill fanfic #august walker smut #august smut #august walker #august walker fanfiction #august walker x ofc #slow burn #sex to love #smut

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tartaghetti · 4 years

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unbearable

a haikyuu x reader ficlet

words: 3.01k

pairing: tsukishima kei x reader

warning/s: just pure fluff about to be thrown your way my dude

Tsukishima Kei has never pegged himself as the romantic type. Yamaguchi can confirm. The blond has never read any of those romance novels during his leisure time, he never pays attention to the dramas his mother watches on TV, and he's never thought twice about dating someone.

He's never fallen in love with someone. He thought it was dumb to fall in love, Romeo and Juliet being a good contender as to why love is such a complicating yet stupid thing. He believes that loving someone romantically is a bother, that's why he's never looked at anyone that way. He's merely protecting himself from getting hurt from love because everything that's said in those romance novels are exaggerated, he tells himself.

Tsukishima was content with everything he had as of now. He's okay with focusing on self-improvement, he doesn't need to value or think of other things.

That is until you showed up.

You're a first year manager, alongside Yachi, of the Karasuno Boy's Volleyball Team and Tsukishima immediately deems you as another person to avoid because the first person you got along with was Hinata. Just like with everyone else, he doesn't interact with you that much, and only says what's necessary when he has to talk to you.

Unfortunately for him, he finds out that you're classmates.

Tsukishima doesn't memorize everyone's names in his class, he doesn't feel the need to do that ever. Once classes end, he's immediately off to practice with Yamaguchi, that is unless he's assigned for cleaning time, so he doesn't even remember you right off the bat.

During English class, the teacher picks you to read a passage from the story that you were analyzing. Being fluent in the English language, this didn't bother you at all. So you stand up and begin reading. Everyone's eyes are on you. They've never heard you speak English before, so they're all definitely surprised, especially a certain tall blond a few seats away from you.

'She's eloquent...', he thinks. Of course, that's what anyone would think if they heard you speaking right now. He's staring at you, and he only realizes when he hears the teacher commend you on your English. He's trying to focus on the lesson, but his mind keep coming back to you and your voice. It's lovely, and soothing in a way. He feels his cheeks heat up a little from thinking about you too much. He finally calms down and focuses back on the passage.

As classes end, the blond sees Yamaguchi begging something from you. As he gets closer, he learns that the other boy is asking for English lessons from you. Yamaguchi notices the taller boy and give him a quick greeting before giving his undivided attention back to you.

"Yamaguchi-kun, are you sure you want me to teach you English?"

"Of course, [Y/N]! There's no one else I know who's as insanely good in English as you are!"

"Well, alright. I guess I can teach you English."

"Teach me as well." Tsukishima finally speaks. Almost in sync, Yamaguchi and you whip your head towards the tall boy's direction. You're just as surprised as Yamaguchi is from Tsukishima's sudden and very surprising request. Tsukishima, of all people, is asking for help. He must be having that much trouble in English to ask someone else to help him.

You're the first to break the uncomfortable silence and you agree to teaching the both of them the subject, Tsukishima is forever thankful for you taking the initiative in changing the awkward atmosphere between the three of you.

Over the course of a few weeks, he's warmed up to you. He talks to you a lot more now, and very rarely he actually engages in the conversation first, but those were usually about homework. Thanks to Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, you've developed a good amount of confidence in your skills as well. You're much more social than you were before, though that's because of Hinata's influence on you, and you participate in a lot of the class activities, be it extra curricular or just favors from your classmates.

Tsukishima always thought you'd eventually forget about him and Yamaguchi, so he stopped himself from getting too attached to you, but to his surprise, you never said no to Yamaguchi whenever he asked to hang out. Sure, you've made a lot more friends now, and you've gained some popularity as well, but you never strayed too far away from the first friends you've ever made.

Not only are you smart, but you're also incredibly kind and selfless, traits Tsukishima never understood. You'd almost immediately, and sometimes literally, drop whatever you were doing and go and help them with whatever they need assistance with, even if it's a little request like taking the trash out to the garbage bins behind the school. You basically thrived off of helping out, and Tsukishima is beyond intrigued by you.

You see, Tsukishima has never seem himself as selfless. He only does things that benefits him. He'll only agree if something is of use to him. To put it in other words, he's selfish. He's never done things to help others, he'll only do so if necessary, such as group projects. He's never the type to consider actually helping someone out because he just felt like it. If it benefits him, he'll do it, if it doesn't, he won't. Simple as that.

Before Tsukishima's even realized it, he's staring at you as you talk to a classmate of yours. Unfortunately, Yamaguchi notices the boy's lovestruck state and decides to initiate a conversation with him. "Tsukki, you've been staring at [Y/N] a lot," He says, catching the taller boy's attention. Tsukishima's eyes dilate in his sudden approach, his cheeks having a tint of pink, and he glares at his friend.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki, but I'm just surprised how she hasn't noticed just how much you stare at her."

"... Is it really that obvious?"

"To me, it is. To her, it isn't."

Tsukishima groans internally. He didn't even notice that he was staring for so long until Yamaguchi brought it up. No, he will not admit that he was admiring you. Never. He'll get over this, right? This is just a one time thing... right?

Wrong.

He wants to get closer to you now. He wants to interact with you every day. He wishes he sat near you so he could ask for a pencil just so he'd have an excuse to talk to you. He hoped that his heart would stop beating faster whenever you looked at him and smiled. He hoped that his cheeks would stop growing pink whenever you laughed at a corny joke Hinata made. He hoped that his legs wouldn't get wobbly whenever he hears the mere sound of your voice. He hoped things would just go back to normal. But just hoping wouldn't work.

Tsukishima Kei has undoubtedly fallen in love with you.

And he's realized that when he overheard a conversation between you and a male classmate;

"Hey [Y/N]."

You stop erasing on the chalkboard and turn to face him properly. You dust off the chalk dust on your skirt and blouse and reply, "What's up?"

"I was wondering... Could we, you know, meet- uh, meet behind the school later? Before your club activities, of course..." He was clearly blushing, everyone could see that, he was fidgety, and he stuttered a bunch of times. Anyone could already tell where that was going. Except you.

"Oh, of course!" You smile innocently at him, as he smiles back widely. He goes back to his group of friends with a very victorious look you were unable to see. As you turn around, you are met with a pair of familiar pair of eyes, staring you down as if you did something unbelievable.

"[Y/N], what was that about?"

"I don't know, he probably needed help with something. Maybe homework. But he could've just asked me right here, it's not like I would judge him for asking for help. Maybe he's just shy, who knows?"

Yamaguchi face palms at your response, you're even more confused. The green haired boy looks at you in disbelief, and sighs in frustration, "You know what, I'll leave that to you to find out."

Yamaguchi did say he'll leave it to you to find out, but he needed to know how things would turn out. So he dragged Tsukishima along with him, who silently agrees to following you behind the school, despite you telling them that Daichi or Coach Ukai might get mad at them for being late. Yamaguchi, bless his soul, told the two of you that he would take responsibility and would take any punishment that went along with it.

The two boys hid behind the corner of the building, listening closely to your conversation with your classmate.

"Nakamura-kun, why'd you ask to meet me here?" You ask him, clearly not understanding the atmosphere that was around the both of you. Anyone who would catch you there would understand what was happening, but unfortunately, you just couldn't predict what was going to happen.

He stood there for quite a bit, fidgeting, and avoiding eye contact with you. His face seemed all red and you began to worry if he was getting feverish from all this. You take a step forward and he immediately freezes up from you getting close to him.

"Nakamura-kun."

"Y-Yes?!"

"Are you feeling ill? You look red. Maybe you should go to the clinic."

He shakes his head repetitively, saying he wasn't ill and that he really had something to tell you. You nod and wait for him to say it, as you didn't want to make him uncomfortable enough than he already was.

"I... I really like you, [Y/N]!"

"Oh? I like you too, Nakamura-kun."

Yamaguchi face palms. Tsukishima stifles a laugh.

"Really? Then, will you go out with me?"

"Go out? Right now? But I still have club activities." You tilt your head in confusion as he fumbles to find the right words.

"No! Not right now! Maybe on Saturday! Yeah, does that sound good?"

"Oh, perfect, I'm free that day. So which subject are you having trouble on? If it's Math, I can't really help you with that."

Yamaguchi is currently trying to stop Tsukishima and himself from laughing out loud.

"What?" He looks at you, his life draining out of him.

"We're talking about homework, right? Oh! Did I get it wrong? Did you need help with another thing?"

"[Y/N], no. I meant... I meant like go out on a date! Like a romantic date!"

You squint your eyes at him as you process the words in your head. One by one, the cogs in your slow brain finally start moving, and you finally get what he's trying to say.

"Oh, like those dates you see in the movies? I'm sorry, Nakamura-kun, I'm just not the person you should be liking, there are a lot more girls there that will surely make you happy. I'll just make you frustrated, I'm sorry. I really am." You bowed at him politely but he assures you that he doesn't need you to apologize, he just wanted a proper answer from you.

Hearing you say that made Tsukishima's heart drop. You were already aware that you'd make people frustrated with you, and he didn't want you to think that way. He felt a strong desire to change that, but you guys were just friends, he doesn't have a right to change anything about you, he doesn't even have the chance to.

You turn around to see Yamaguchi snickering like a kid and Tsukishima just looking at him with his signature annoyed look. You laugh and them and begin dragging them to the gym, where you were met with an annoyed coach, a concerned Daichi, and very curious players.

Despite having rejected that boy, there were still other people from other classes who tried to woo you with their pick-up lines, but you never really got them, so you just laughed and nodded in hopes of them not getting hurt by you not being able to comprehend any deeper meaning to what they say.

"Does your hand feel heavy, [Y/N]-san?"

"No? I don't think it's possible for a hand to feel heavy?"

"Nevermind."

You tried your best to understand, you really did. You just wanted to keep up with their pick-up lines, but you just couldn't do it. You've never had that kind of experience, so it was hard to understand what they were trying to say.

But without realizing it yourself, you were also beginning to get interested in a certain tall blond classmate. You quickly dismissed these reactions as something everyone can experience, you weren't the only one, of course. Everyone feels this way around Tsukishima. Right? Right?

"[Y/N], I can very much confirm that not everyone feels that way towards Tsukki."

Oh.

"So, your legs don't get wobbly and your heart doesn't beat faster around Tsukishima?"

Yamaguchi laughs and you feel yourself feeling embarrassed as he does so. You give him a light punch on his arm, since you can't reach his head, and cross your arms, a pout present on your face.

"[Y/N], I'm not in love with Tsukki."

In love? Is that what it is?

"I can't be in love. I don't even understand what love is enough to actually feel it." You say, trying to convince yourself more than you're trying to convince Yamaguchi, who only shrugs at your response.

"If you say so, [Y/N]."

The next few days were weird.

For some godforsaken reason, Yamaguchi had convinced Tsukishima to at least flirt with you a little bit, having learned that the blond was hopelessly in love with you, even though the taller blond told the other that you'll have the same reaction as you did with those other guys that tried to do a pick-up line on you.

The first time he tried to flirt, which was a pick-up line about a highlighter and brightening up his world, it turned into you telling him a story about how you accidentally drank water with highlighter ink thinking it was some kind of juice. He was actually immersed in the story sometimes, teasing you about how you couldn't recognize the color of the highlighter.

The second time he tried to flirt, where Yamaguchi would "accidentally" shove you into Tsukishima, he pushed you too hard and ended with you sitting on top of a very uncomfortable and potentially hurt blond.

The third time he tried to flirt, where he intended on staying close to you a lot, like sitting next to you during study sessions, walking next to you during the walk to the gym, just staying close to you in general, you didn't at all notice because you just thought it was normal for friends to do that, all the while trying to ignore your loudly beating heart.

The fourth and final time he flirted with you, was when you finally confessed to him.

Tsukishima is an observant person, so he's probably noticed your mannerisms around him by now. How your tone of voice changes when you talk to him, and how easilt flustered you get when you talk to him. He thought he had a chance, and he was right.

"I don't really like talking about feelings that much but Yamaguchi told me to tell you everything that I'm feeling. So, here goes nothing, I guess."

You take a deep breath and you suddenly feel as if the ground was shaking. You're terrified, but you have to do this. You've already committed to this. There's no turning back.

"Tsukishima, whenever I look at you, I feel really happy. Your voice makes me feel like I'm on the comfiest pillow in the world. Whenever you do that really cute smirk when you tease Hinata or Kageyama, it makes me laugh a lot. You're weird."

"Excuse me?"

"Shut up, I'm not done yet."

You inhale once more.

"You're really mean to Hinata and Kageyama, and you're also unintentionally mean to a lot of our classmates, but I like that about you. Whenever you offer to help me with Math, I kind of feel sad because I'm supposed to be the one doing all the helping!"

"You don't always have to help-"

"Let me finish! You're actually really nice, you know? I saw you playing with a stray cat the other day and giving it food and it made my heart do flips! You looked really cute. I don't know how to express myself properly, and when I try to, it's word vomit. I want to learn and try to be better for you, I want to know what to do with this slow brain of mine, and I really really want to do all those romantic stuff with you."

You're in the verge of crying, but you quickly wipe away any evidence of you crying.

"I... I think I like you, Tsukishima."

He doesn't say anything and you feel embarrassment creeping up behind you. The air is suffocating and you want to run away, but you legs are stuck to the ground. You feel ashamed in the other's presence, wanting to dig a grave and rot in it.

Then, you feel big arms wrap around your smaller frame, pulling you close to his chest, as he buries his face on your shoulder. He only hugged you for a while, as he isn't that type to prolong skinship.

You clear your throat and break the short silence between the two of you, "I've been meaning to ask. Did you flirt with me earlier?"

"Have been for the past week, but thanks for noticing." He replies almost immediately as you just stand there in shock.

"Oh."

"You're unbearable, [Y/N]."

You look up at him and laugh, punching his chest lightly.

"But you love me."

"Yes, yes I do."

this is my first haikyuu character x reader ficlet so i hope you at least like it a little bit hahahah

#tsukishima kei #haikyuu #hq #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu x reader ficlet #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #tsukishima fanfic #tsukishima fic #saltyshima #haikyu!#haikyuu tsukishima

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heeeykids-blog · 5 years

Text

Stray Kids/Bang Chan Imagine - Anxiety(¿¿???) attack

Hi, this is my first writing something like that, u hope I like it! And sorry for some words might sound weird, English is not my first language.

Disclaimer: Anxiety (¿?) Mental health

Words: A lot (?)

• • •

And there you were, sitting in that circle that the whole class had formed, trying to control your nerves. The teacher were asking you how you felt every ten minutes while you waited until what you called your “deadline” arrived.

You studied music, you were in music theory class, in which, the teacher had come up with the wonderful idea of applying a surprise test and with it, a simulation of what the final test would be like. The whole class was sitting in a circle while a chair was in the center for the person who would be chosen randomly to sit and take the practical test

Everything was going normal, you could feel a slight nervousness in the environment but the teacher was trying to lightening it with making some jokes and supportive comments, "You can do it", "Breathe, try to calm down", "you are doing well"

You had started to calm down, to feel more relaxed and even confident. But all that vanished in less than a second.

"And the next one is... Bang Chan!" Chan was about to get up until the teacher interrupted him.

“Oh… But Bang is not here! He's sick, so moving on...” Chan and the whole class were a little confused

“Yes, I know Chan is here, but this sometimes happens and you have to be prepared for that. Then assuming you are not here, the next one is… Y/N! ”

You felt how all the nervousness was taking over you again.

“But Y/N isn't here either” You said jokingly, trying to hide your nerves. The class and the teacher laughed but kept their eyes fixed on you, indicating that it was your turn.

You got up from your seat feeling like your legs were shaking, you could barely stand up but again, you tried to hide it and walked to the chair that was in the center of the circle. You felt like everything happened in slow motion, you tried to sit as normal as possible, trying to calm down.

“All right, what's your name? ” The teacher continued with his performance as if he were really in the final exam.

“Y-Y/N”

“Then Y/N, we're gonna start with reading. Page 10, exercise 4... Excuse me but what are you studying?” He asked kindly

"Piano." You answered trying to sound as confident as possible

"Oh, a pianist ..." He said thoughtful with a little of playfulness on his voice as he continued his performance. "Well, then it will be Do 2nd, Do 1st and Do 3rd, every measure is in a different key, okay?" He looked at you with a kind smile.

"Okay ..." You were completely trembling, you stared at the lesson trying to concentrate for starting doing it.

“Well, pause. Y/N calm down, everything is fine, ok? Sit straight, put your palms on the table and try to breathe” You did everything he told you. “Better?”

You nodded, although you weren't really sure about it.

“Fine, then let's start” He said as he gave you a reassuring smile.

You started with the lesson, everything was going well, your voice didn't sound very confident but even so you were doing well until you got to the second line

You were blank, it was as if you could not read, as if you were looking at nothing, you were completely blocked and with it the panic began.

At this point, everyone were looking at you.

“It's okay Y/N, try to calm down" said the teacher with a tone of concern

You started shaking, your whole body was shaking and tears began to threaten to come out.

“Just breathe, spread your hands on the table, focus on the cold of the table. It's fine, everything is fine ” You tried to relax, you did the breathing exercises that were indicated by the teacher.

You managed to calm down a bit and hold back your tears, you tried to start the exercise again, but you couldn't.

“It's fine, it was very good. Should we continue with the next ones?” You nodded looking down, you knew that if you looked up you would run into many pairs of eyes looking at you and you would not be able to handle.

"So, next is singing... well, what about a Bach choral? I think it would be good, so the first one please"

You looked at the exercise the teacher was asking for, you began to tremble more and more, your breathing started to accelerate, the tears you had been holding began to come out.

You felt a lot of helplessness, you couldn't control yourself; you lowered your head, covered your face with your hand while biting your lower lip trying to stop crying or at least trying to not doing any noise, after all you were still trying to hide everything.

Several worried, surprised and uncomfortable looks were fixed on you. In how your hands and your entire body trembled uncontrollably, how you bite your lip, how tears fell on your book.

No one knew what to do, not even you.

There were a couple of eyes that kept looking at you since the teacher mentioned your name, those eyes belonged to Chan.

You two barely talk before because you weren't very good at socializing so the few times you had spoken were casual and short talks.

Even so, Chan was very worried about you. He felt the need to go and hug you, to tell the teacher to stop this torture, to get you out of there. How could he feel such a need to protect someone he barely knows? He wasn't sure, but he couldn't stand to see someone suffer like that.

Chan was thinking what he could do to help you until a voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

“... D-does anyone have... paper?” It sounded like a whisper, a weak and shaky voice came out of you, everyone was surprised but immediately began to look for in their backpacks what you asked for, Chan was very confused, he couldn't get his eyes out from you

He watched how you wipe away your tears, how you tried to calm your breath, how you settled in your seat and how you tried to speak pretending nothing had happened.

"... Could you give me... the first note?" As much you had a straight face your voice, your shaking hands, your nose and red ears betrayed you.

You were trying to move on, to continue and that did nothing but amazed him by you bravery

“Of course” The teacher responded immediately and then not only gave you the first note, but the entire first chord.

After he gave you the notes you opened your mouth ready to sing, but nothing came out. You tried again several times with the same result, you thought about giving up and telling the teacher you couldn't continue with the test, but something didn't allow you.

Chan watched closely every move you made while discussing on his head whether if he should ask the teacher to stop the practical test or let you continue.

You raised your head and your eyes met. Seeing you there so fragile and vulnerable broke his heart, even though you didn't know each other he wanted to protect you.

When your eyes met he gave you a supportive and warm look, he wanted you to feel safe.

Somehow, that made you feel better and gave you the determination to continue. You closed your eyes, took a deep breath and began to sing, but after two measurements you stopped, you were singing properly but your voice was very broken, it was shaking a lot because you had been crying.

“Don't worry that's enough, it was very well” Said the teacher in a reassuring tone so you wouldn't feel bad, but you couldn't help feeling frustrated.

The desire to get up and go to you became stronger when Chan saw how you covered your face in frustration. He wanted to hug you and tell you that everything would be fine, that you were doing a great job, but he couldn't.

“Well, rhythmic then... page 36, lesson two” Said the teacher.

“All right, everything will be all right, you got this. You are good at rhythmic, you can do it” You repeated yourself mentally, although it was useless because the tears threatened to come out again and Chan realized that.

You took a deep breath, you started to do the time signature and you started with the lesson.

Everything was going well, you were doing well until you realized how weak and shaky your voice came out and even if you thought you were doing your time signature well your hand was shaking a lot and your hand movements cannot be distinguished. It was there when you gave up, you released your pencil and covered your face with both hands, tears began to come out again.

Frustration, sadness and helplessness was what you felt. You tried your best but it wasn't enough.

“It's okay, you did very well. You tried to continue and that is what counts, you did excellent” The teacher tried to reassure you. “Y/N you really did well, don't feel bad, okay? I apologize if I pressured you too much, you can go to your sit”

Chris watched as you got up with difficulties because you kept shaking, downcast. He saw how you sat next to him and how you sobbed in silence.

The teacher spent the last minutes of the class saying that everyone did a great job, and that you have to support each other, he spoke a little about mental health and apologized again for pressuring you.

When everyone got up the teacher approached you to talk to you.

Meanwhile Chris went to a girl from the class who always sell chocolate and bought one, he planned to give it to you and offer you his friendship and help.

. . .

You were leaving the building with your friend. You had a chocolate in your hands, it was a gift from the teacher as an apology. When you left the building someone stopped you

“Hey, hello! Y/N? Can I talk to you for a sec?” Chan asked you.

You thought it was weird 'cause you didn't talk a lot but you nodded in agreement, since you didn't think he could hear your voice. You noticed that he had something hidden in his hands.

You followed him after telling your friend to wait for you, once you were a little further away from other people he started talking.

“I really wanted to congratulate you, you did very well today. I think you were very brave, for real” He said as he gave you one of his smiles, which instead of calming you made your heart speed up a bit.

“Also, i wanted to tell you I would like to be your friend, this is for you” He extended his hands showing you a chocolate “Although it seems that you already have one ...” He said a bit discouraged. You thought it was very cute from him.

“Thank you” You took the chocolate, you wanted to say more but your voice didn't let you. You really hated how it sounded

On the other hand, that only made Chan want to hug you and never let you go again, but he held back because he knew you didn't feel comfortable being around other people.

“You're welcome and if you need to talk to someone, whatever it is, please don't hesitate to tell me” He said, putting on a smile even warmer than the previous one. Many people told you that every day, but something about him felt different, it made you want to trust him.

You just nodded since you really didn't want anyone to hear your voice.

“So, should we going to class?” He asked you kindly. You nodded and followed him while he started to talk to you.

Normally you wouldn't feel comfortable being with someone in this state, but he had something that made you feel good.

#stray kids #stray kids kpop #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #stray kids bang chan #stray kids chan #stray kids chris #stray kids chris bang #stray kids fanfic #one shot #imagine #stay #stray kids x you #stray kids x male reader #stray kids x stay #stray kids x reader

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verobatto · 5 years

Text

"You loved me, but in your heart there's something else before me."

How season 14 is Foreshadowing the Destiel talk

Hello my dear fandom, I rewatched properly the last episode, and I have to say... Many things had been written... And I was looking for Cas again... And hell yeah he was everywhere again!

This is another romantic post bc the last episode was talking about love all the time WRONG TOXIC LOVE AND TRUE AND REAL LOVE.

Let's see...

The talk? The moves?

Ok, we had innocent Jack asking this two question, he is ignorant about flirtation or love, so he is there with the best teacher: Dean Winchester.

This two questions caught my attention bc is reflecting what we were waiting since season 12 and more in season 13 to happen: THE TALK and THE MOVES.

The last episode (Nightmares Logic) we had Mary mirroring Cas all the time, and this particular conversation with Sam about how to talk with AUBobby. So I was thinking, are they Foreshadowing a real Destiel talk? And now after watching this episode I must say... Yes. They are.

This two specific terms... THE TALK and THE MOVES, are two things that Dean and Cas should finally do. But... What is blocking them to do it? Ok.. let's find out...

Dean thinks Cas doesn't love him in that way.

Gif credit @archangelgabriellives

And this fe

Gif credit @littlehobbit13

I had to put all this entire scene bc... Ok look at this, that's what Dean thinks about how Cas feels about him... Why he thinks Cas doesn't love him in the same way?? CAS already told him he loves him, but it was confuse, that time in the barn it was confused, Cas didn't get the words wrong but the attitude, he said "I love you" to Dean and immediately he turns to Sam and Mary and said the same line, SO DEAN THINkS CAS LOVES HIM AS FAMILY.

Since then, we had increased and failed intentions of talk. Dean closed more inside, repressing more and more his feelings, showing the "no homo" attitude he always had with Cas. And the fears.

Son in this scene we see how innocently, Jack describe the way Harper looked at him, "She was looking at me with those googly eyes" and Dean trying to cut "that crap" bringing reality to the topic "She is not in love with you" and "That's not how it works."

... this isn't enough to Dean. To Dean LOVE IS MORE THAN THAT. Love is DEEPER, AND CRAZY, AND SUFFERING, AND HAPPINESS, AND AND... Damn...

Dean is accepting he's in love. That he loves a man, Cas. He is in knowledge about this. He is learning to live with it... But he's struggling all the time inside beacuse of this, so things like googly eyes, or like hooking up (as Roweena and Gabe did) or even he hooking up with random waitress... "That's not how it works." He's talking with authority here, bc he knows what is truly love someone. And the following scene here...

Gif credit @mishalocked24

... he is showing us a lot but... Did you stop just a second to see... How Dean is talking about the "L" while smiling (thinking about his love) with that goofy smile that we make when we think about our love interest??

HE IS TALKING ABOUT THE "L" WORD PEOPLE!!!

And he is saying that Love is crazy, being in love is to be crazy, is loosing control of yourself, is doing crazy things. You are not thinking bc you are crazy for that person. He's the professor here, my friends.. he is TALKING ABOUT THE L WORD BC HE IS ACCEPTING THE LOVE IN HIS LIFE. THE LOVE HE FEELS FOR CASTIEL.

Harper as a mirror of Dean's journey in love.

"She is bad luck."

Ok, when I heard this, I said, this is Dean. Is Dean!! He feels HE IS BAD LUCK BC EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES IT BREAKS. Every single person that came to his life, that was part of his family, died. As Crowley said once.. he is bad luck. ANOTHER IMPEDIMENT TO SHOW HIS LOVE AND TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH CAS. He feels he doesn't deserve this, bc he is bad luck.

After this we were introduced into Harper's department... And it was so so Dean's inner desire of being loved! First of all, there were GREENS COMBINED WITH BLUE IN EVERY WALL. (Dean and Cas) and a red heart, and a legend: "Amore" love in Italian. And a blue couch in front of a red couch. And the bedroom was all in green and on the bed there were stuffed animals, so so innocent look about LOVE, so princess like. Waiting for being loved.

And I thought, this is Dean's head about love. He WANTS TO BE LOVED IN THIS INNOCENT WAY BC HIS HEART IS PURE AND INNOCENT as I said bf in my other metas.

Now... Here comes the spec and the sadness...

Foreshadowing the Destiel talk (again) and perhaps... A possible lovers separation.

"He left? Without you?"

And then I heard Jack saying this meanwhile Harper told him her love story. And I was like... Ok... What is this... And my mind, immediately, run with this...

Gif credit @hunenka

Mary... Mirroring Cas... And Dean saying goodbye to her and wishing her happiness... But this is not all the thing...

Sam was trying to convince AUCharlie to stay in the bunker bc "people needs people", and bc Charlie was sis u're of leave, Sam throws this line...

"Don't go"

So I thought... Another foreshadow!

Then yes we are having foreshadow for the Destiel talk but for a lovers separation too?

Now that I accepted my love for you...

And we had that zombie (Vence) in red too, representing Toxic Masculinity, and wrong love, and old Dean all at once (as was with all the monster we've had so far) and Jack trying to convince Harper that he was her true love. And Dean talking with this zombie telling "This is not love!" Ofc it isn't Dean! So kill your toxicity right now!

And then was Harper again, dressed in green... (New Dean, healing Dean) writing a love letter to her true love (Jack) and I saw this with hope in my eyes... But then i payed attention to the song that was playing...

"We are from differents worlds,

We travel for two differents path,

You loved me but in your heart

There's something else before me.

If we can't live together

Is better to live separated.

You'll go your own way, and I'll go mine.

The two of us starting from zero."

Sorry if the lyrics are wrong I translated from Spanish to English but the message is the same and it's clear... It talks about two lovers that must be apart... And IDK why yet but something is telling me that, there will be a Destiel talk... A blow out and a goodbye, be happy scene...

I hope this isn't going to be for ever... And just some episodes bc we need Dean and Cas to be happy, but if they are separate from each other... Well... They are not gonna be so...

And this is related too with the TV guide resume from Byzantium (14x08) where Cas goes to Heaven doing an enormous sacrifice... I was talking with @gneisscastiel about this and she has such interesting spec about this!

Ok... This is it my friends... I know, I know... This is a little sad but... Let's be positive and let's imagine Destiel becoming canon through this! Awwwww I need so much a huge and strong Destiel scene!

Oh! Aaaand all the parallels with the first encounter with Cas will be written in other post!

I like to put my ideas I diferentts meta and focus one by one! But I think you already know that. 😉

Ok... Tagging some friends here..

@emblue-sparks @mrsaquaman187 @magnificent-winged-beast @cheerstofandomfamily @evvvissticanteand everyone who wants to discuss!

Buenos Aires, Novembre 17th 2018 2:23 AM

#destiel meta #destiel #mirrors and parallels season 14 #14x06 meta #14x06 meta spec #the destiel talk #dean working his traumas #cas isn't there that's is why he's everywhere #dean loves cas #cas loves dean #i need some destiel in s14

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femslashrevolution · 7 years

Text

an open letter from a nonbinary femslash writer

This post is part of Femslash Revolution’s I Am Femslash series, sharing voices of F/F creators from all walks of life. The views represented within are those of the author only.

Femslash is important. Representation for women, and all types of women that exist, is something we can always do more of.

I love femslash. I love telling stories about my wlw faves encountering joy and pleasure, and getting their happy ending. Fanfiction is what some of us do to fix the wrongs in canon - whether it’s a violent death or another unfair circumstance that happens.

There’s a little more than 60 fics for femslash under my belt, and I’ve been publishing fanfiction for close to 14-16 years now. I’m always thinking about how I can be doing more, even outside February!

Writing femslash for years also helped me figure out myself.

When I was around nine or ten, my own original writing I did heavily indicated my “wlw” identity - and it never registered properly for me, not until I hit middle school. It didn’t register until I had an outsider’s perspective. My English teacher read my long chapter story I did about two girls who fell in love during the Salem Witch Trials, and his attitude was so “This is so radical! I didn’t know you wrote stuff like this!” and I was confused by his reaction. I was twelve or thirteen.

What was so “radical” about two girls in love? Why was it considered a statement? Why had I just been “othered”?

From there, my writing took me deeper down the path to realizing I identified under “wlw” and especially as I started on fanfiction.

My first femslash fic happened to be Hermione Granger/my OC, and I projected a lot of myself into my OC the more I think about it. At that point, I was considering the term “bisexual” and still believed I was a “cisgendered female” because I had nothing else. It didn't feel like me, but it was the closest thing I had, and I was still caught in the “there’s only two genders” thinking for your private parts.

It took me a very, very long time to discover that not only is there no such thing as ONLY the binary for gender, but who I was. Coming up with words for my identity had been a pain, switching back and forth, not understanding what “dfab” had been or if I was trans.

I have my writing and actually Tumblr to thank for helping further both my understanding of gender for myself and my actual writing.

Where I fall on the sexual or romantic spectrum is mostly grey, but I am dfab (designated female at birth) nonbinary who uses they/them. Sometimes I wonder if I even fit into the category of “wlw”? Am I intruding into the community as someone who is nonbinary? Do I belong here? I think about that sometimes while I’m writing femslash. I remember how I constructed gender and when I believed I was “female” before, and I still hesitate about reblogging anything that says “for wlw” and I’m still working it out my feelings.

You can ask anybody who knows me well that I’m an advocate for female-identifying characters/femslash in fandom and I do not shut up about it. Misogyny does not belong in fandom, in my opinion.

Femslash needs protecting in our fandoms. Femslash deserves to flourish and wlw people deserve to have representation.

Femslash doesn’t need to be “radical” or make you feel like you are being othered, or be a certain set of standards. You don’t need to be a cisgendered woman to appreciate and respect femslash. The community is so diverse and accepting, and I wanna see so much more of it growing as time goes on.

I’m looking toward to it!

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dramaticgirldiaries-blog · 7 years

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Things I would say to someone that didn't know what I was going through

Depression, that is.

So, I never spoke up about this at the time until I talked to a therapist, but this is what I could have said, to make people awake and know what I was going through. The answer to what caused all those problems. So these are actual situations that happened.

My chemistry teacher in an exam was like look at those little mistakes, and why can’t you see them? So I looked at it, and my brain just couldn’t comprehend it. I just couldn’t see what I was doing wrong. So I could have said: “My cognitive processes in my brain slow down because I’m battling depression and no one knows about it. I don’t know what to do. Help me. Thinking is really difficult for me when all I feel is intense lows, numbness, hopelessness and isolation. Help me?!.!.!.” But seriously, should have said that, and the look on her face, desperateness honestly, shocked. But if she asked me why I did so badly on last years exams: (p.s. Don’t know how I got into chemistry this year omg, lol) I would probs be real honest and upfront and be like “I was previously battling depression and was healing from severe childhood abuse on my own. It slowed down my cognitive processing during the last half of the year so I couldn’t really comprehend much knowledge.” Ya haha, but the whole class would be there, and lol, well they would all hear, but I guess it’s an awareness of childhood abuse and depression/mental illness. Not being afraid to talk about that stuff and talk up about when something may be wrong in your life is really important. So might as well, not like I’m scared of anything haha, actual not at all. I had anxiety problems before that, oh how tragic. Atleast i didn’t get diagnosed. Well not many people knew about that anyway, which was good. I was always in a major crisis every time at school and home man, like a firealarm went off in my head constantly. Sometimes I couldn’t stay in class. Or would sit there dying haha. It’s really not even funny, but being a survivor of a lot of things is really pleasing.

Geography teacher: “what do you want to do when you leave school.” Me: “Study neuropsychology at Uni.” Teacher: “you need to get a brain first.” (In front of another teacher and some students) My feelings,thoughts,behaviour: nothing and kept walking. What I should have said: “I have depression, my brain is no longer functioning properly and my cognitive functions and thoughts are severely numbed like my own low lying, debilitating, bleeding, drowning emotions and behaviours into a black hole. I need a brain. Help me..” I think the help me just adds a personal like desperation of the other person listening haha, like you should be shocked that i’m saying this because you’re now the person who has to do something about this, man, look after me, because I’m now debilitated and drowning into death. Honestly. Should have said that lol.

Lolololol. Should probably blurt something like that in their face when I get back to school tomorrow. Lol. Dude, how ashamed are CHUUUUUUU??!!! Now bruh, like look what you said to a depressed girl ‘man…, I would just be like man, I don’t know hahaz umm.. how about my Dad abused me for 4 years throughout my whole high school life, and I dealt with anxiety disorders during school life and depression mid/end of year 12 as well as healing from severe psychological abuse from my addict and gambling father. My cognitive processing slowed down with the disorders so I couldn’t quite comprehend much knowledge at all. Most the time I thought I was dying, dead or wanted to die. So yeah. I’m all good now, abuse has stopped, and I have no disorders to deal with and I have healed from the debilitating hurt/pain.“ *thoughts run through their head- like wow, I didn’t know what this girl was going through and no wonder. It explains a lot about her behaviour, mood swings and blocked mental ability.* lol.

But so true. I could say that, because it’s so true and I’ve been through all of that to come out the other side. I’ve grown so much. So has my plant:).

It’s good to be honest. Honestly.

I’ve been on blah therapy, you know, telling people about it so that it can just get out of me and that I’m comfortable telling people about it. When I need to tell people I will.

I’m not sorry for what happened, it was just something that had to happen to me. That should be the line I finish with when I share what I’ve been through with people. Totally. I feel the emotion and the heart feltness of it all. Like wow, Jesus would be proud.

I know, some people may feel guilty about it, but just remember it’s up to them how they deal with it because you did your thing on your part and now it’s time for them to do their thing on theirs.

I have a few people that were involved in the process of my trauma. Some people I told I had some issues, several issues, during the time of abuse. Not knowing of the abuse however. And teachers who witnessed my mental behaviour. The Japanese teacher. The drama/performing arts teacher. The economics teacher. The geography teacher. The chemistry teacher. The English teacher. The physics teacher. The maths teacher. The statistics teacher. Omfricken’ gosh lol. How the hell can I tell that many people lol. If I did it would be floating around the staff room and I don’t think we need that lol. Unless I say to not tell anyone, but that would be weird, like in those situations where it’s like one on one ew lol. Lol. No. haha. Not sure if I’ll tell anyone probs, just one, the dean, because omg, she just understands a bit already. I don’t know lol. Or just the people who humiliated the mentally unstable person back in the day, the most, so they can know, not feel, what I went through, a little.

Rap: ahha.

Trauma, trauma, trauma. Old like Futurama.

#30/01/17

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