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misscammiedawn · 6 days

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Legitimacy vs Selection Bias in Hypnosis

This has been on our mind a lot recently. It's mostly been sparked by the recent Mindless Banter podcast run by @theleeallure @enscenic and @hypno-sandwich where the three hosts spoke about how they dislike academic models of hypnosis and a recent post by @h-sleepingirl discussing why they herald hypnotic education.

One thing that is always going to be true about the advocates of our kink who have been involved with the community for a long time is that we are going to be experienced and capable hypnotists and/or hypnotees.

Likewise those who join and find themselves brought in to the fold tend to self-select; if a person is not able to find any success or joy in hypnosis because it's not working or they do not gel with the styles taught and practiced then they will not hang around.

This means that we have a functioning ecosystem of people who know the lingo, who are primed to react as they should and tend to have things work for them.

Which is great! It makes it so much easier to work out when everyone is on the same page.

But it also creates an insular community.

I've written before on why the insular nature of our community worries me.

One of the lines I wrote in that post was this

One of the big differences between the online erotic hypnosis community and the NGH (National Guild of Hypnotists) who rue our existence is that we do not require legitimacy to function when they themselves exist in a half-truth state where when receiving both of my certifications it was impressed that we needed to perform an uneasy dance of providing services without practicing medicine because hypnotherapy is not licensed psychology in the same was that chiropractors are not performing medicine.

Legitimacy is the idea of taking what we do, what we are, what we believe and what we practice and trying to make it valid to those outside of the community. It's performing studies, it's building a framework of hard rules, it's about pretending that we understand how the brain works beyond the anecdotal evidence that we witness it every day within our corners and communities.

Fact is, hypnosis is a malleable and belief-based practice that rests right in the middle between faith and science. As mentioned in the above linked post, trance can be detected on an EEG:

Source

Our last post on this topic just spoke about accepting that we exist in a soft science where what we believe, how we approach our beliefs and what ideas we allow to take root in our minds will have a firm impact on how the minds of the hypnotists and hypnotees we interact with.

Today I want to talk about why keeping the education and the science involved in the conversation is important.

Because, like the Mindless Banter crew, I have reached the point of my career in hypnoplay where should Dawn wish to induce a trance she need only find a partner, lay out what will happen and perform. The rest of it just happens.

Once you reach a level of confidence and community, it pretty much takes care of itself. The interaction between a hypnotist and a person who has never experienced trance before and the interaction between a hypnotist and an enthusiast will play out differently.

What I mean by this is if Dawn is approached in DM by someone who wants a session she will be able to pick up a number of tells without even noticing it on their confidence and experience. Someone shy, unsure and untrained will not dive straight in. Which makes the encounter less likely and even if it does happen it comes from the power dynamic of a teacher and student rather than two enthusiasts going to town.

This is normal and it's not a bad thing. It just means that the typical educator in the hypnokink community is typically aware of the "weight class" of their hypnotees which paints their expectations of how things will go and allows for a line between the way hypnosis is taught in 101 and how it is practiced in enthusiast circles.

It's why Progressive Muscle Relaxation is something which gets scoffed at a lot in our circles. The typical enthusiast does not need to spend 20 minutes on an induction when their typical partner is someone they can hold the shoulders of, stare at with intent and give permission for the hypnotee to drop.

That isn't to say that experienced hypnotists only play with experienced hypnotees. It just means that the majority of the play from those who educate does not match the material that we teach to beginners. Not a bad thing.

But it does breed this divide I mentioned. Between the experience of those who do this all the time and what is "academic".

So, besides helping new people into the community or playing in pure theoretical space, why must we keep the academic approach involved?

Well, first... the science does inform what we do. Yes, a lot of this is based on belief but there is a large amount of the science which is just fact no matter what we do. The neuroplasticity of traumatized brains is a topic we type about a lot given our dissociative disorder. I mentioned in my Dissociative Disorders and Hypnosis post that there are multiple studies that there's a higher hypnotic suggestibility in those with conditions that include dissociation as a symptom. The fact that this was being taught in a 101 class was why I made that post to begin with.

From my Mind Makes It Real post I mentioned that we need to be aware of the truths to keep ourselves in check. We should always be wondering "am I wrong?" about everything and the moment one lets go of the academic framework and commits to the loose ethos of "it just works" you lose a little bit of that footing and external perspective. We're an insular community and there's an element of "the popular ideas win out", not to stress a point too much but the whole hatred of the progressive muscle relaxation induction is a good example of this. I know a few community leaders who reflexively rant any time they hear it. These people have the ability to control the con schedule. They teach classes and part of their lesson is their personal disdain for that approach. This goes into the minds of those who were taught by that person and becomes part of the internal dogma. Suddenly you have a situation where a minority of people in the community need to defend the PMR.

I do not actually care too much about PMR but it really is one of the most accessible entry level trances and the disdain for it is a little gatekeepy, if I am being honest. I don't think any individual means for it to be something they keep out of the community but enough individuals following a trend creates a community concept, a widely held belief.

And hypnosis is entirely about widely held beliefs. Thus it is now a fact that PMR is boring and ineffective and there's more fun ways to do trance. That is an example, hopefully one that is understandable to an audience who are also into hypnokink (apologies to my non-hypnosis Tumblr followers, I hope if you're reading this you enjoy this peak into a little internet sub-culture).

Which brings me to legitimacy.

Do we really need it?

Hypnosis is both science and fantasy. A person attending a hypnokink convention could treat hypnosis with the technical skill and care that one would approach as ropeplay, learning all of the different terms and all of the safety procedures and treating it as a psychological version of what can be physically observed.

But you may also have someone who treats hypnosis as roleplay and improv with a framework not too dissimilar from a tabletop sourcebook for D/s shenanigans that they can learn and play within much the same as a D&D player can switch to World of Darkness. I guarantee there are a large number of people in the hypnosis community who do this and they're not wrong for doing it.

But as I mentioned above. Hypnosis is a scientifically observable phenomenon and it is dangerous if abused. Heaven knows I know that more than most. One must not believe in the dangers for them to be real. An immature hypnotist is a danger to a hypnotee regardless of if they think they are roleplaying or performing edgeplay. And the same is true for a hypnotee, too. If one believes it's all roleplay then their limits and safety will be at a different level than someone who is aware of the risks.

One need only look to the dark corners of our community where covert hypnosis is practiced eagerly, recruitment is a game and personality erasure is an aesthetic to know that there are uncomfortably large swaths who are practicing hypnosis from the perspective of fantasy. I do not want to pull out the news articles about how Disney Deer brainwashing ruined people's lives again.

The good news is that within the educator/convention going portion of the community we do teach this stuff. We do make everything clear. We're not currently in a community where academic approaches are shrugged off.

But it makes me uncomfortable when experienced educators in the community forget how far their words reach and dismiss the academic for the sake of "what works".

We do not need to seek legitimacy for the eyes of those outside of the community. We do not Demand To Be Taken Seriously. We have a community where people are welcome to join or not join. We do not need external legitimacy.

But we need internal legitimacy.

We need the people who practice within our care to know that they're practicing with dangerous tools that can and will mess a person up if treated without proper care.

Safety and education require we keep room for the academic and seek to legitimize what we do or those who look at hypnosis as pure fantasy will not be able to recognize the risk.

At least, that's my opinion.

For more of our ramblings on hypnosis and the hypnosis community, please check out our Hypnokink Writing tag for other bits of education and commentary like this <3

#camden posting #hypnokink #hypnokink writings #hypnosis #hypnosis community

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esmedelacroix · 3 months

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3 days til' Christmas

in which husband!miguel o'hara helps you through abdominal pains in your pregnancy⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆

4 days til' christmas ← previous part

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When they first started you panicked a bit. After having a phone call with your doctor you were able to calm down. That morning you had woken up with the usual vomiting but you also had cramps and you were spotting.

Your doctor reassured you, letting you know that it was completely normal to be spotting during pregnancy and there was nothing to worry about.

'If anything abnormal happens, you should definitely come to the hospital though,' Miguel thought it was your period finally coming back. You were glad you shook him off your tail because he was starting to suspect something was wrong.

That relief didn't help that it felt like something was stabbing you in the abdomen. The fact that you felt that pain while you were growing a human in there made you even more upset.

Miguel was in the kitchen making you some tea and getting you Advil to have with your water. You curled up in a fetal position, teeth digging into your plump bottom lip, fighting away the tears that stung your eyes.

No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't stop your tears from spilling. Just then Miguel walked in with your medicine, tea, and something for you to eat. "Did I keep you waiting?" Miguel asked as he sat next to you and helped you sit up against your bed frame.

He wiped your tears as he watched you take your medicine and slowly drink the tea he had prepared. Miguel always hated to see you in such pain during your period. He didn't like it when you cried. He didn't want you to feel distressed ever.

So he did what he could and he ran his hands through your hair in the way you liked. Your head was nuzzled into his chest, his heartbeat helping slow down your thoughts. Miguel was your safe space. He was your shelter from the storm of all your spiraling emotions.

"I love you," you mumbled into him.

"I love you more," he answered, planting a kiss on your temple. If his furnace of a body wasn't warming you up, the blood rushing to your cheeks from how soft and gentle Miguel was with you.

The two of you agreed on having yet another lazy day together. It broke Miguel's heart when you winced in pain occasionally holding onto him tighter when you felt sudden shocks of pain.

He couldn't do anything but rub your back and caress your stomach until it was time for your next dose and you could feel better again.

He knew that a lot of the time when you were experiencing cramps you played music or did something to distract yourself so he decided to put on one of your favorite comfort shows.

He didn't understand your deep emotional connection to a one-season animated show with only 10 episodes until he watched it with you and understood. Not only was the plot amazing, and the show hilarious, but it was also action-packed.

It also satisfied his urge to constantly match-make and gossip about things that are just not his business. You hated to enable this side of him but it was so silly to see him geek about things.

You enjoyed seeing Miguel talk about things that he was passionate about. It made his eyes light up in ways they never had before you truly got to know him. He loved when you asked him questions about his job and the specific sciences he studied all the time. He loved to teach you about the things that interested him so much that he dedicated his life to discovering different multiverses.

Most of all you loved it when Miguel came home to you. because every time he left to run the Spider Society there was a chance he wouldn't come back. You hated to see him all tattered up from a fight. But you loved to help him clean up. You loved being gentle with him when he was being treated the opposite way the whole day. You loved making him feel safe and the relieved look on his face the moment he saw you.

There was not a single period when you felt like you would be able to make it past the cramping stage until now. The overwhelming feeling of love and affection for Miguel overpowered the feelings of lain. Miguel was the father of your child and you couldn't have wanted anyone else to be that.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve Eve and Miguel is taking me out on a date. Just have to get through two more days, then I can surprise him. You thought to yourself as you snuggled into Miguel and allowed his own snores to carry you to slumberland.

. . .

next part → 2 days til' Christmas

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taglist: @aripet22@to-the-endoftheline

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amphorographia · 8 months

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Something interesting about Pathologic that I don't see people talk about very often is the fact that technically none of the protagonists are doctors and, of the three, it's actually Artemy that's the closest to a real physician.

The fact that Daniil is specifically referred to as a "Bachelor" of medicine is something that was always sort of confusing to me but is actually extremely telling when put together with all the other details we get about him.

There's an excellent video essay about Daniil's character by Horror Game Analysis which goes into more detail about this [x], but he points out two things about thanatology that I think are really significant:

It was first conceptualised as a field of study in 1903 by Ilya Mechnikov, a Russian-Ukranian immunologist and microbiologist, who felt that there was not enough known about the phenomenon of death itself; and

Thanatology straddles the line between the humanities and the sciences because it's investigations grapple with the physical, psychological, socio-cultural, philosophical, and spiritual elements of death

With all that in mind and Pathologic's ambiguous time period, Daniil could very much be read as the in-game world's equivalent of Mechnikov. Despite his (sort of) alignment with the philosophically-minded Kains, Daniil is consistently shown to be very much focused on the physical components of death. He came to the town hoping that "[Simon's] tissues will help [him] defeat death." Rubin, Artemy, Victor (and Lara, Yulia, Aspity, Anna, and Clara) all need him to collect and examine blood samples for evidence of the disease. Once the plague begins, his focus in on the creation of a vaccine - a tool for immunisation - instead of a cure.

All of the evidence points to Daniil, at his core, being a microbiologist and researcher. His medical knowledge, while far above average, is highly specialised and doesn't indicate that he has any practical experience as a physician. He's not a doctor, he's a bachelor of medicine using his theoretical and academic expertise to fight an impossible disease in the only way he knows.

Now, Artemy does have some practical knowledge. Isidor taught him about the traditional medicine of the town while he was growing up before sending him to "study modern medicine in the academy" when he was 16. However, in his opening description, all we are told is that Artemy is returning from several years of "travelling from town to town learning theoretical and pratical surgery." In Pathologic Classic, Artemy is canonically 26 years old so if he spent 6-7 years travelling, his formal medical education was likely either short or incomplete. Not to mention that the emphasis on Artemy as a surgeon and menkhu (much like Daniil as a bachelor and thanatologist) implies a very specialised area of expertise which, although closely related to practical medicine, is not the same thing.

This is reinforced in a number of ways. For example, while there are multiple dialogue options which let you dismiss the town's local medical practices, they appear mostly (or only) in conversations with outsiders - responding to Daniil's admission of underestimating the value of "steppe medical knowledge" with "there's nothing medical in their knowledge" and telling Block that he has "an education in the civilized world and ha[s] forgotten two thirds of the specific local practices." Ultimately, Artemy is more consistently aligned with the Kin's more bodily approach to medicine. That distinction between Kin and Town is important, since the traditional medicines Artemy makes are not valued or trusted by townspeople and the kin refuse almost all of the modern medicine (specifically antibiotics) sold in the town.

He also seems to be either unfamiliar or seriously out of practice with the more formal language of science and medicine a university-educated physician should know. At several points, Artemy is shown to be dependent on Daniil's medical knowledge, and various members of the town poke fun at him for asking clarifying questions - Boy: "You graduated from a university and this is your question…?" Rubin: "I thought you were [away] studying." Artemy's story is about trying to fill his father's role and, while he succeeds in becoming a menkhu, his position as the town's doctor is less clearly defined even after the plague. While he begins the game with the most practical experience of the three protagonists, the fact that he's not qualified to be a physician but has to act as one is what drives his story forward.

I won't go into Clara since it's obvious she's not a doctor. If anything, she's more like a personification of a cure for this one specific disease (just like her 'twin' is the plague). She couldn't reset a bone or diognose the flu any more than she could synthesise antibiotics or distinguish between bacteria in a blood sample. Still, she's an interesting comparison point and does serve to remind the player that the protagonists don't really represent different approaches to medicine, but different approaches to healing.

The Bachelor is the modern healer of formal scientific practices who sees healing as the result of understanding the body, disease, and their interactions.

The Haruspex is the traditional healer with the spiritual or ancestral right to protected knowledge and practices who sees healing as a reflection of cultural duty, customs, and community.

The Changeling is the divine healer chosen by a Deity (or Deities) to carry out their will on earth who sees healing as an act of religious faith and demonstration of the existence and power of God(s).

#this took way longer to write than I expected holy shit #also can you tell that Daniil is my favourite?#pathologic #pathologic meta #pathologic classic hd #pathologic classic hd meta #daniil dankovsky #artemy burakh #clara saburova #clara changeling #pathologic bachelor #pathologic haruspex #pathologic changeling

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allsadnshit · 2 months

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What a lot of people don't understand about holistic and natural medicine is that it IS rooted in science. To say that ancestral knowledge passed down is not real because it doesn't have clinical studies run on it completes disregards the systems in which medicine is made. Modern medicine and the idea of something being "proven" to help or heal is based on what is studied and tested, which makes total sense, BUT what is overlooked is that what gets studied is completely dependent on what is funded. There are so many natural remedies passed down amongst all different cultures that utilize herbs and very accessible methods of medical intervention that are commonly seen us "myths" simply because people in power who choose what gets the proper clinical trials have their own agendas for what can be turned into financial gain and to say "there's no proof or study that this herb helps with this" is missing the bulk of information about how much capitalism and classism effects what is recognized given the necessary attention and resources in the scientific community.

I don't understand how so many people can consider themselves politically radicalized and anti capitalist but then flip flop when it comes to just this topic specifically as though knowledge on herbalism and techniques used for hundreds of years that aren't given medically funded backing are somehow just empty words and ignorant. Honestly, it's pretty transparently racist as well because so much of what is overlooked or shot down tends to be cultural knowledge and heritage passed down in oppressed groups and communities who's cultures in general get dehumanized in a lot of ways socially AND systemically!

They didn't even start doing clinical trials including studies on female bodies until extremely recently in the scope of how long modern medicine has been manufactured and yet people want to roll their eyes at the idea that natural medicine has existed for the people by the people for longer than any pharmaceutical can match up against.

So maybe instead of calling anyone who doesn't fully trust these large stock market companies with public health, people should consider the history of who gets an official say in what gets the money necessary for those clinical trials to take place that make that medicine "scientifically proven".

I did not understand the weight of this topic till I had my own diagnoses with a chronic condition that 99% of the time effects women and realized how drastically biased the medical systems care is and how directionless the care is for patients depending on who they are. And I really don't care if people with the privilege of not knowing that system intimately think it's not real till it's on Web MD.

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reasonsforhope · 9 months

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"One in five Americans will experience major depressive disorder in their lifetime, and many will not find relief from current therapies. But now researchers have identified an unexpected source of the problem: inflammation.

Inflammation in the body may be triggering or exacerbating depression in the brains of some patients. And clinical trial data suggests that targeting and treating the inflammation may be a way to provide more-precise care.

The findings have the potential to revolutionize medical care for depression, an often intractable illness that doesn't always respond to conventional drug treatments. While current drug treatments target certain neurotransmitters, the new research suggests that in some patients, depressive behaviors may be fueled by the inflammatory process.

It appears that inflammatory agents in the blood can break down the barrier between the body and the brain [and specifically the blood-brain barrier], causing neuroinflammation and altering key neural circuits, researchers say. In people at risk for depression, inflammation may be a trigger for the disorder.

Research suggests that only a subset of depressed patients - roughly 30 percent - have elevated inflammation, which is also associated with poor responses to antidepressants. This inflammatory subgroup may be a key to parsing out differences in underlying mechanisms for depression and personalizing treatment...

The inflamed body and the depressed brain

...A number of studies show that depressed patients tend to have increased inflammation compared with non-depressed subjects, including more inflammatory cytokines and C-reactive protein — which is produced by the liver in response to inflammation — circulating in the blood. Patients with autoimmune diseases have inordinately high rates of depression. And postmortem brain samples from people who died by suicide showed more activation of the brain’s immune cells, which release inflammatory agents.

Crucially, pro-inflammatory drugs can induce people to become depressed, which suggests a causative link. In one seminal study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Miller and his colleagues conducted a double-blind study of 40 cancer patients undergoing treatment with interferon-alpha, an inflammatory cytokine.

Though none of the patients had depression to begin with, the inflammatory agent had a striking effect: Many became depressed, a finding that has been consistently replicated.

"The patients recognize pretty much immediately that, 'Hey, you gave me something, and now I feel this way. I don't know why I feel this way,'" Miller said.

Can treating inflammation treat depression?

If inflammation can induce or exacerbate depression and its symptoms, then reducing inflammation could provide relief.

Even if inflammation is a disease modifier rather than the cause of the problem, “you have to take care of it in order for you to be able to get your therapeutics working to restore your circuitry and what’s happening in the mind,” said Eleonore Beurel, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine.

Anti-inflammatory drugs, used alone or in conjunction with a standard antidepressant, may help some depressed patients. A 2019 meta-analysis encompassing almost 10,000 patients from 36 randomized clinical trials found that different anti-inflammatory agents, including NSAIDs, cytokine inhibitors and statins, could improve depressive symptoms...

“We’ve come to the tipping point,” Miller said. “And we know enough at this point to begin to target the immune system and its downstream effects on the brain to treat depression. We are there.”

How to manage your own inflammation

Experts agreed that people should not take anti-inflammatories without talking with their health-care provider. Your doctor can order a C-reactive protein blood test to measure your level of inflammation.

“There are so many patients who do not respond to antidepressants,” said Ole Köhler-Forsberg, a physician and associate professor of psychiatry at Aarhus University who has given anti-inflammatory drugs to his patients in addition to antidepressants. “So there is the issue of how can we improve the individual outcomes.” Tailoring treatment for each individual on a holistic basis may add some benefit.

More clinical tests for inflammatory markers may be a way to differentiate the effectiveness of antidepressant treatment. If confirmed, it would “be the first actual biomarker in psychiatry,” Raison said. “I mean, we’ve been looking for biomarkers for 50 years and had zero luck. And it’s ironic that it’s not a brain chemical.”

In the meantime, “you get much more mileage out of the lifestyle changes than you would out of supplements or any other over-the-counter drugs at this point,” Miller said."

-via The Washington Post (via Yahoo News), February 24, 2023

#depression #cw sui mention #cw suicide mention #inflammation #autoimmune #cytokines #neuroscience #medical news #medical research #anti inflammatory #antidepressants #ssri #mental health #mental illness #good news #hope #way way more details at the source btw

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fireheartwraith · 6 months

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I feel like I should explain ENEM, aka why the brazilians have been grieving since the date of the november 4th event was announced

ENEM stands for Exame Nacional do Ensino Médio (National High School Exam). It happens once a year since 1998, and, although at first it was just to gage how the education was on a national level, it soon became a gateway to university.

The test takes place on two days (that are now two consecutive sundays), from 13:30 to 19:00, and each day the student has to answer 90 questions. The first day is always human sciences and languages (Portuguese language and literature, foreign language (English or Spanish), history, geography, sociology, and philosophy) plus an essay. Nobody knows what the essay is about until the moment of the exam, so there’s always a lot of speculation. The theme is always about a social issue: last year's, for exemple, was "the challenges for the appreciation/respect of the traditional communities and peoples of Brazil", like the quilombolas and natives. The second day tests the students' knowledge on maths and exact sciences (biology, physics, and chemistry).

ENEM is famously a very "read-y" test. Every question requires a lot of reading comprehension, interpretation, and interdisciplinarity. Maybe the internet has done americans wrong, but the SAT's look so easy in comparison. We always make fun of them by saying Harvard it's not actually hard, it's just expensive.

Which brings me to my next point: college! The grade you get on the ENEM can get you into a university using three different programs

SISU: gets you into a public (and free) university (the best university in the country is public btw, University of São Paulo - USP)

PROUNI: gets you a scholarship in a private university (it can get you a 100% scholarship but you need a VERY good grade)

FIES: student loans

And, obviously, the better your grades, the better your chances. You are graded from 0 to 1000 in every subject and also get a general grade. So if you want to study physics, you don’t need to do great in literature, but you should still try to get a decent grade. The more competitive courses, like medicine (there's no such thing was pre-med), can get down to the decimals, especially in prestigious schools.

ENEM isn't the only test you can do to get into a university, though! Some schools have their own test. USP, for exemple, has the FUVEST, so you can get in through either test, but FUVEST is always paid and you can only do it in, like, three cities in São Paulo, while the ENEM happens countrywide, which is why it's so important. The tests are called "vestibular" and the people taking them are "vestibulando".

Therefore, most 3rd year high school students take the test. It's basically a rule to do it if you want to get into a university, but if you are not on your last year of high school, you have to pay to take it (my case). Some people have to go to another city to take the test, it's a whole thing.

This year, the first day of ENEM is happening on Sunday, November 5th. And QSMP's most important event so far is happening on Saturday night, November 4th. May the Lord have mercy on our souls

You can check out the "atrasados do enem" for some giggles though. It's the "event" that happens because some people always arrive after the gates close at 13:00 and then break down crying in the middle of the street. It got so famous people started hiring actors to pose as vestibulandos just to go viral.

Now you know a bit more about brazilian culture!

Here's a link to download last year's exam if you want: first day | second day

#qsmp #qsmp event #brasil #brazil #brazilian culture #cultura brasileira #enem #brazil: putting ENEM in enemies since 1998 #high school #university

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bleach-your-panties · 5 months

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:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ→˚₊· 🤎black-coded reader if you squint, but anyone can read!

✨️warnings: modern university au (4years), jealous sex, degradation, dirty talk, oral (f! receiving), messy sex, kinda angsty, but happy ending. y'all should know by now, 18+ and mdni; it's nnn for pete's sake (who's pete?)

･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ→˚₊·🤎first time writing for geto!

✨️banner made by me in pic collage. ✨divider: unknown via picgifs

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ→˚₊· 🤎5.1k words

▶️addiction - ryan leslie ft. cassie, fabulous

▶️my boo - usher ft. alicia keys

▶️who booty - john hart ft.iamsu

You and Suguru have been best friends since high school.

Getting introduced to him by a certain, snow-haired, crystalline-eyed troublemaker in your first year at Jujutsu Tech had to have been the highlight of your life at the time.

He was in stark contrast to his other best friend, Satoru Gojo, but that may be why the two of you got along so well.

Gojo and Shoko joked around about how similar the two of you acted and that you should drop the 'best friend' facade and just date already.

Your tight-lipped presentation paired with Suguru's quiet reticence allowed the two of you to shrug off their suggestions fairly easily and keep it pushing.

All that began to change though once the four of you graduated high school and started college.

Gojo, with his lovable loud-mouthed self, continued his relentless teasing of Suguru throughout the first two years of college. Shoko effectively took over with teasing you, but you continued to just laugh them off.

“Really, you two? If Sugu and I wanted to date each other, we could have done that ages ago! Since you’re both so invested in love, why don’t the two of you go on a date, huh?”

That shut them up pretty quick.

Thankfully, because you didn’t know how much more of their sad attempts at matchmaking you’d be able to handle.

—-

When the third year of university rolled around, there was a drastic change to you and Suguru's dynamic.

It started off innocent: late-night study sessions in the library that ended with you spending the night in his dorm room.

He didn't want you walking across campus to the women's dormitories in the dark by yourself (why didn't he offer to walk you?), so staying over with him was obviously the only option.

With the two of you having been friends for years, initially, there was no awkwardness; only warm, comfortable silences while the both of you studied together.

Suguru had decided to major in religious ministry and planned to pursue a Ph.D. in the subject once he finished his undergraduate studies. His logical and emotional intelligence are both above average, so you know that he'll excel in his chosen program.

With you always having had a love for science and medicine, much like Shoko, you opted to pursue a degree in biology with a pre-medicine concentration, though you haven't quite made your mind up about whether you'd rather pursue medical school or another type of graduate school.

No awkwardness, right?

That was true until one fateful night in his dorm room.

The two of you were studying, per usual, but something in the air seemed off. Finally, Suguru spoke up.

"You know, Y/N, I think that Satoru and Shoko are partially right."

You were nose-deep in an anatomy book before his smooth voice broke through the silence in the room.

"Huh, partially? About what?"

The book closed with a soft plunk and your e/c eyes were now focused on Suguru's face.

He looked pensive like he was trying to put his full thoughts into words before expressing them to you. His black square-framed glasses slipped down and rested on the bridge of his nose. You wanted to lean forward and push them back up.

"About us. How we should date or whatever."

"Oh, and what makes them right after what, nearly 6 years, now?" You asked in an amused tone.

Suguru chuckled softly and then began to rise from his black leather desk chair. His slipper-clad feet padded towards you until he was kneeling on his bed, his left knee situated right between your thighs.

"Su..?" You asked breathlessly as he steadily moved closer to you. His taller frame enclosed around you, like a massive tree hiding a small bird within its branches.

He leaned down until his cowlick was touching your forehead.

"Sugu.."

Then in the next moment he was kissing you.

He tasted exactly how you expected: like black tea and mint.

A startled gasp left your lips as he pressed his harder into yours, smearing your Chapstick.

With shaky hands, you carefully brought them to rest on his neck.

Suguru smirked against your lips, sucked your bottom one into his mouth and gave it a harsh suckle.

Suddenly, you were pushed onto your back with Suguru sitting up on his knees, your thighs on either side of his hips.

"Mmm, Su, wait…what's all this about?" You peered up at him through lidded eyes with mink lashes attached. Bottom lip red and swollen from his urgent kisses.

He swiped his tongue over his teeth, revealing the head of that sinful tiger eye tongue bar.

"I just want to…test a hypothesis if you will indulge me, pretty girl…"

You felt your face beginning to burn from bashfulness at his insinuations as well as the use of the scientific jargon.

He moved back so you could fully sit up.

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Well, I don't know if you've felt it, but there's an undeniable amount of chemistry and sexual tension between us."

"There is?" You made your face look surprised, your brows furrowing and your mouth contorting into a small "o"

Suguru rolled his dark onyx eyes at your obliviousness.

"I just had my tongue tickling your palatines while you reciprocated eagerly, yet you think there's no sexual tension there?"

You scoffed a laugh. "You have really got to stop reading my anatomy texts."

"But why? They're quite interesting." He smirked.

"Yeah, but quoting them while we're getting hot and heavy? So not sexy, Su."

He gripped your thigh, squeezing the fat of it through your spandex shorts before rubbing his hand down your leg to your pedicured foot.

Suguru massaged your toes gently, rubbing his rough palm over the sensitive soles; it felt so good, especially since you'd been up and down the campus all day, trying to locate your new classes for the semester.

A deep sigh/moan escaped your still-wet lips and you ran your tongue over them to savor the lingering flavor of Suguru's kiss.

He put both hands on your thighs and wrapped them around his lower back before continuing to massage your legs and feet.

"Huh, you like that, baby?" He asked with an air of arrogance in his tone, eyes crinkling in mirth through his glasses as he stared down at you.

"Gosh, yes, Sugu. My feet were killing me. Thank you."

Suguru only chuckled softly before grabbing both your ankles and bringing your legs to rest on his shoulders, just to watch the expression on your face change from relaxed to surprised.

"Su!"

"Hmm, don't start screaming my name just yet, little one."

And that was the very first night that you two fucked.

—-

Throughout the rest of the year, that was how the two of you continued on.

Those late-night study sessions in Suguru's dorm room turned into late-night sex sessions.

He still gave you those foot massages followed by eating you out until your voice was hoarse from calling his name.

Whenever Suguru had a rough day in class, he'd text your phone and you'd know to immediately head to his room after your evening classes.

He'd waste no time grabbing your throat and pinning you against the small armoire, throwing one leg on his hip and slotting himself in between so you could feel his angry hard-on.

The one that only fucking you could satiate.

Or some days he'd come to your dorm to help you study for your lab exams and memorize organic molecule configurations.

He'd reward you for correct answers with long drags of his tongue through your folds and hard sucks on your clit while you gazed down at him from under your notebooks, hands trembling and slipping from the pages.

As the year dragged along, you found yourself falling deeper in, whatever this was, with Suguru.

You once asked him exactly what 'this' was and where the two of you were going and he simply replied:

"We're just having fun. No pressure, no labels."

So you left it at that.

—

Third year ended and now the two of you are finally seniors.

It's that midpoint between fall and winter, mid-November, and the holidays are fastly approaching.

Which for you means end-of-term lab exams.

Luckily, you and your lab partner are meeting up today to study for the organic chem lab.

You'd met him on your first day of the dreaded class, a credit required in order for you to graduate with all the prerequisites needed for med school.

At first glance, he seemed like someone who'd drop the class in the first couple weeks and change their entire major just like you'd seen many of your former classmates do.

As you got to know each other throughout the semester, you warmed up to him and grew a small crush on the intelligent male.

Intelligence, a trait that you quite admire in your men.

To be honest, he reminded you of Suguru a bit.

Suguru, who you haven't really talked to or hung out with since your little falling out at the end of third year.

You didn't know if you'd both silently agreed to break off your little arrangement or if you were just avoiding him.

Probably the latter.

It wasn't hard to do since you're both in different majors and have no classes in common; you can just write it off as you being extremely busy, which isn't actually a lie.

Continuing on to your dorm room after last class, you made yourself some instant ramen in your microwave before you started getting dressed for your lab review session.

You sit at your little vanity table to do your makeup. Soft, pastel eyeshadow to compliment your beautiful e/c eyes and to match the pastel-colored cardigan laid across your bed.

Despite the chilly weather outside, you opted to dress cute in your cardigan with a white turtleneck sweater underneath, black leather miniskirt, white thigh-high thick socks, and black Mary-Jane style slanted wedge heels.

Your fashion sense often earns you many sneers from your peers and questioning looks from your professors, but ask if you give a fuck.

To top off your look, you added some dainty silver jewelry before grabbing your bags and leaving for the chemistry building.

—-

Suguru sighed and stuck his phone back into his pants pocket.

He's a coward.

He can't even bring himself to click on your contact name to draft a simple

'can we talk?' text.

The biting cold in the air made him hurry along to the campus coffee shop where Satoru had asked to meet him.

—-

I was hopin' you'd notice

The way that I like to have you around

Around, yeah

Listen and you will find that your heart beats for me

Girl, I hear the sound, and it only gets better

It started off with a kiss (uh huh)

Never expectin' this (uh huh)

And now I'm here copin' with

My addiction, addiction

—-

The little bell over the door jingled and Satoru's snow-white head shot up from where he was almost asleep (and drooling) on his class notes.

"About time you got here! I was beginning to think you'd stood me up!" He perked right up and swiped his sleeve over his mouth, putting on a bright smile.

Suguru just sighed and pulled back the wooden chair before plopping unceremoniously down into it. His backpack clunked to the floor.

"What's wrong with you? I mean aside from your usual aloof asshole tendencies. Something is actually going on, I can feel it." The blue-eyed male asked in concern.

"Nothing is wrong, Satoru. I'm just tired and stressed about midterms, graduation, and a whole lot of other shit."

Like you.

He didn't mean to hurt your feelings or make you feel unimportant when he said that the two of you were just having fun.

'What a fucking idiot I am. Of course no girl worth her salt wants to hear that she's just a nutty buddy.'

He lamented in his head before slamming it into the table. He groaned when the elastic keeping his hair in a bun snapped, covering his face completely in inky, blue-black locks.

Surprisingly, his glasses didn't break.

"Oh damn, that bad, huh?" Satoru asked. "Hey, can I get a triple shot of espresso on that frappe, please! I think you're gonna need it to get through the rest of the day." He murmured as the waitress walked over.

—-

And Satoru was right. He did need that coffee to make it through his last few classes, but he still felt like shit and now he was wired and not to mention completely pent up and horny.

After you two fell out, Suguru fell into a pit of despair. You stopped talking to him, studying with him, and even stopped responding to his texts.

Of course he missed hiking your legs up and eating you out, fucking you on every surface in his room, and then making you take his cumshots all over your makeup, but honestly right now…

He just missed your presence in his life.

To pour even more salt in his wounds, his two other best friends had begun dating people on campus, which often made him the fifth wheel when it came to hangouts.

Usually, Satoru would always have Shoko attached to his hip and Suguru would have you, but now that was all over because of his wreckless choice of words.

"Fuck!"

He kicked one of the flimsy metal chairs outside of the library over with the toe of his boot causing some freshmen students to give him frightened looks.

"Got something to say?"

They shook their heads.

"Thought so."

He hoisted his backpack up higher on his shoulders so he could begin his trek across campus to get to the warmth of his dorm room when he saw you moving quite urgently towards the chemistry building.

He knew that you were likely heading to prepare for one of your lab exams, but the outfit that you had on alluded to this being much more than just a casual meet-up to study.

Oh no, with the way that skirt was gripping your hips and just barely covering your ass, you had to be meeting up with someone special.

And the fact of knowing that it isn't him lit his entire soul on fire.

"Oh, hell no."

So he followed you.

—-

There's always that one person

That will always have your heart

You'll never see it comin'

'Cause you're blinded from the start

Know that you're that one for me

It's clear for everyone to see

Ooo baby…

You will always be my boo…

—-

You hummed softly to yourself as your heels clicked along the tiled hallway floor of your least-favorite building on campus.

Your partner had texted you to let you know that he'd be running late, as he had a test to make up that he'd forgotten about.

That made you roll your eyes, but nevertheless you carried on to the empty lab room so you could start studying by yourself.

Once inside, you set up your materials on the desk and began to work.

After only a few minutes of you working, you heard the door to the lab room creak open.

Thinking it was your partner finally having finished up, you lifted your head with a smile only for it to drop once you saw Suguru's tall frame lingering there at the door like a nervous ghost.

"What are you doing here?"

He froze at the ice in your tone; yep, you're definitely still mad.

Almost shyly, he moved into the room, making sure that he shut the heavy door behind himself. It closed with an echoing 'boom'.

"What, am I not allowed within twenty feet of you now? Did you file a restraining order on me, too?" He bit with more than a hint of sarcasm.

"Very funny, Suguru. So what-

“Suguru?” He cut in.

You never called him Suguru. Only 'Sugu' or 'Su'. Never Suguru.

You looked up as he began stalking towards you, the thud of his boots much louder in your ears than they should have been.

He now hovered over you, a mean and irritated look plastered across his normally cool, stoic features.

(a/n: the pic in the banner is how he's looking at you🙈)

You only continued with your original thought, though your tone was a bit less sassy now.

"So you came here in search of me because why? Couldn't get your nut off by yourself?" You sneered, making his jaw tense.

A large hand slammed down on the table, making you flinch.

"Stop with the attitude, Y/N. I'm already fucking pissed."

Now you were confused because, who is he talking to?

"Okay and what does that have to do with me, Suguru? You-"

His other hand gripped the wide collar of your cardigan and pulled you up out of the chair you were seated in.

Your face smashed against his chest and you were engulfed in the deep scent of his woodsy cologne. He pushed you back slightly to examine your face up close.

"Stop calling me that."

"Your name?"

He gazed down at you with his black eyes hardened.

They slowly roamed over your body, taking you in as a whole since he hasn't seen you up close in so long.

“So you wore this for him?”

"Him?" You put a hand on his chest and he allowed you to push him back so you could have space.

His eyes shifted from your face to your thigh-highs.

"Your boyfriend. The one you're waiting here for."

Is this really happening right now? It couldn't be.

Shaking your head with a chuckle, you regarded Suguru with an incredulous look.

"My boyfriend, oh right, you mean my chemistry lab partner."

You crossed your arms underneath your bust and his breath hitched as the movement caused your breasts to shift upwards and strain against the material.

"If that's what you want to call it, you don't have to hide it from me." He shrugged and stuck his hands in the pockets of his black jeans.

“Well don’t let me interrupt your little date.”

“It’s not a date, Suguru, we’re just studying for our lab exam. He is my lab partner, after all. We've worked together for this entire semester."

His jaw clenched. So this guy had been around you and not only within school grounds, most likely.

In a split second, you were flying backwards, with your back rubbing against the cold surface of the lab table.

Suguru was back between your legs, the position mirroring the one from your first ever sexual encounter last school year.

"You let him fuck you?" He asked with a hard edge to his voice.

"W-what?"

"You heard me, Y/N. Did you give him a taste of what belongs to me?"

He lowered himself to a kneeling position right between your spread thighs.

"Knees up."

Immediately, you complied, making Suguru smile and show all of his perfectly straight white teeth. He then grabbed hold to the sides of your panties and began shimmying them down ever so slowly.

"My favorite panties, too. What a shame; you're really showing out now, aren't you, darling? Trying to get daddy's attention?"

You pressed your lips together causing him to click his tongue in annoyance.

"Huh, you want my attention, so you parade yourself around campus dressed like how you are? Answer me."

He spanked your pussy hard with the back of his hand, making your back arch off the table.

"Suguru, please!"

"I said to stop fucking calling me that. Now lay your ass back down."

You obeyed but your lower lip quivered just slightly. He was mad and when Suguru was mad and sexually frustrated, you knew it wouldn't be a short night for you.

"I'm going to ask you again, Y/N. Did you let him fuck?"

You quickly shook your head side to side.

"But you wanted to, right? You were going to, right? Answer right now or I'll leave you here with a wet cunt and no orgasm."

"No, Su, I promise. We're just partners, I swear!"

"Hmm, lying slut…" He murmured, eyes transfixed on how your pussy lips were sucking in the damp material of your underwear. He was ecstatic that you had stopped calling him Suguru, though.

With two fingers, he hooked them under your panties, right on top of your mound. The backs of his knuckles scraped against your throbbing clit, causing your left knee to shake.

"Such a sensitive bitch, you've got to be telling the truth then, because you only tremble like this when you're needy. Right, baby?"

You whimpered out a weak 'yes' and 'please'

—-

Lil' mama, I know what you want

Begging me to beat it

Like the bass in my trunk

I'm a lil' nasty, I ain't even gotta front

Lick you from your head

Down down to your butt

—-

Suguru decided to finally indulge you, but first he ripped your panties off in one swift movement, fully exposing you to his greedy eyes.

He spat a thick, wet glob of saliva onto your pussy, the sound making your face warm with shame.

"You don't have to act so shy, love. I know I'm the only one who knows how to eat this shit just the way you like it."

His long fingers slid through your folds, collecting your creamy, translucent cum on them.

He scissored his fingers apart, watching the strings stretch but never break.

"Fuck."

His dick is as hard as a brick, but he'll take care of that in a minute.

Next, his mouth was completely covering the bottom of your cunt while those two fingers worked your clit, rubbing your mess back and forth over the pulsating bud.

The ball of his tongue ring poked at your asshole periodically as he ate you out and you clenched everytime, fearing that he'd stick it in.

French-polished nails reached for his hair and Suguru, whose eyes never left yours, grabbed your hand with his free one to tangle yours in his navy blue locks.

"Su! Su! Su!" You chanted like a cheer, cheering him on as he ate your pussy so sloppily and made a mess of you and the table.

Juices leaked down your legs and his chin from his combined saliva, your slick, and your cum from the multiple times that he had you squirting, just from his tongue and two fingers.

He could eat you out like this for hours, but he doubted he'd have that much time before someone discovered the two of you.

Rising back to his full height, Suguru looked down at you and admired the shaking, wet mess that you'd become.

You were covered from your lower abdomen down to your knees in a mixture of your own squirt, cum, and his saliva. Even your socks were soaked and now sticking to your skin.

He never thought you looked more beautiful.

"Su…" You whined up at him, body growing cold from the waist down and aching to have him fill you up and make you warm.

"What, bitch? Want my dick now? You think you've earned it after ignoring me for damn near the whole semester?"

Your eyes drooped sadly and he stopped, cursing himself for not knowing when enough was enough.

"No, no, no…I'm sorry, baby…look, listen to me. I…"

"I'm sorry, Sugu. I'm sorry for ignoring you instead of just coming out and telling you how I really felt."

He stopped completely then and rested his hands on your hips, right above the top of your skirt and massaged small circles into the pudge that poked out there.

Dark, slanted eyes locked onto your e/c ones to let you know that you had his full attention.

—-

I was in love with you when we were younger, you were mine (my boo)

And I see it from time to time

I still feel like (my boo)

And I can see it no matter how I try to hide (my boo)

And even though there's another man Who's in my life, you will always be my boo

My oh, my oh

My oh, my oh, my

My boo

My oh, my oh

My boo

—-

"I knew the moment you kissed my lips in your room that day. That you were the one I could put my entire trust in and spend the rest of my life with. There's no one that I trust to have my heart more than you, Sugu. I love you."

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

He fucked up.

'I fucked up'

"I fucked up." He finally said out loud. Your eyes raised to meet his again.

"I fucked everything up when I said that stupid shit that I said."

You wrapped your arms around his neck while he stood between your legs.

"Every day that I couldn't be around you was fucking hell. You consumed nearly every waking thought. School, hanging with friends, work; hell, even jacking off became torturous knowing that I wouldn't be hearing from you throughout any part of my day."

He chuckled lowly.

"Do you forgive me, baby? You have nothing to apologize for here, and I love you, too.."

You nodded slowly and he pressed his forehead against yours before tilting his head to capture your lips in his.

The tangy taste of your cum covered your taste buds as Suguru began exploring every inch of your mouth with his expert tongue.

His tongue bar clinked against your teeth ever so slightly with his rushed and hasty movements; it was like he was trying to savor every bit of that sweet confession that you'd just spoken to him.

"Mmm, Sugu…" You breathed once he parted for air.

His hands moved to your waist and he flipped you over, pressing you back into the table with both of your wrists trapped in one of his strong hands.

The sight of that tight, black leather hiked up over your ass cheeks had him in a frenzy to undo his belt and drop his pants.

Once his cock was free, he tapped the leaking head on both cheeks.

He couldn't help himself, he just had to ask:

"Whose pussy is this?"

Your reply was immediate:

"I-It's yours, Sugu'..f-fuck! Please put it in!"

"Hmm, not good enough. Fucking convince me."

Even though he said that, he was already sliding his thick ass dickhead between the messy folds of your cunt.

"Please, Su…it's yours, baby, all yours. Please fuck me."

"Shit…!" He almost collapsed on top of you and sent the whole table crashing to the ground.

You let out a collective moan when he finally slid in, sheathing his dick deep inside you.

Grabbing your hair and twisting it around his hand, he pulled you up into a perfect arch with your ass flush against his thighs.

"Again. Whose is it?"

—-

Slide in that thang, real deep game

Bust it so good, girl, what's my name?

Hit it from the back, headboard swag

When I talk shit, shawty answer right back

I be on her like:

Who booty is it?

Who booty, who booty, who booty is it?

Who booty is it?

Who booty, who booty, who booty is it?

—-

Usually Suguru was a rough, fast thruster, but right now he had you confused because he'd start out with a few quick hard thrusts that had you face-planting into the table, then he'd switch it up and slow grind you, pressing his hips so far into your backside that you'd have imprints of his hip bones.

"Su…S-s-u…SU! Fuck fuck fuckkkk!" You screeched while your nails scratched the surface of the table that was sliding back and forth but hadn't broken down.

He only thrusted harder and faster. It wouldn't be long before he came all over that dirty pussy.

“Sturdy ass table.” He chuckled. “Perfect for whores like you to get fucked on.” A groan from deep within his chest emerged as his thighs shook.

"I'm…fuck…I'm going to ask you one last time, Y/N. Whose. Fucking. Pussy. Is. It. Y/N?"

Each word was punctuated with a deep, brutal thrust.

Your breasts were sore from being pushed so hard against the cold surface of the table and your thighs sticky and wet from Suguru eating you out.

"I- GOD, I…y-yours!" You managed before your orgasm took over.

It was so strong you almost blacked out, no doubt the strongest one you'd ever had thus far.

But Suguru wasn't quite done yet.

He pulled out and slapped your ass hard with his palm while the other fisted his dick furiously.

"Turn over. Open your legs for me, wide, like a slut. There you go."

He came with a shattered groan, ropes of white hot cum splattering against your already bruised and messy folds.

When his balls were completely empty and you were covered in white, he scooped some onto his fingers and brought them up to your lips.

"Suck."

You sucked.

"Good fucking girl, fucking slut. Whore." He attached his mouth to yours and dipped his tongue in to taste your sweetness combined with his essence.

You both made out sloppily, swapping cum until he pulled back and spat the snowballed cum back into your mouth followed by patting your cheek lovingly.

"Now swallow."

And you swallowed.

With a deep sigh and a satisfied smile displayed over his handsome features, he began searching the room for paper towels to clean the two of you up.

Once you'd gotten your bearings, you locked the door behind yourselves.

Suguru pulled you into his chest and kissed the top of your head.

"I wonder what happened to my partner? I guess I got stood up after all!"

The man beside you couldn't resist rolling his eyes and then answering in a smug tone.

"Or, he heard you screaming my name from all the way down the hallway and decided to just fuck off." He snorted.

You giggled and elbowed his side, but he was dead serious.

"No, really, baby. I saw him peek through the window on the door when I was giving you backshots. The look on his face was fucking priceless." You gasped.

"Sugu, you didn't!" He only laughed harder.

"I mean, really. I didn't even have to ask who it belongs to. Lucky for you that I showed up, or you could've started dating that guy and been screaming out SU everytime he fucked you."

----

*ʳᵉᵇˡᵒᵍˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵃᵖᵖʳᵉᶜⁱᵃᵗᵉᵈ!

#suguru geto x reader #geto smut #geto x reader #geto x black y/n #geto x black reader #jjk geto #jjk x reader smut #geto suguru #black coded reader #👙💜 can't wait no more #💗💗🍡°jjk masterlist #byp🌹no nut november #💗💗🍡°my fics #byp🌹2023 events #💗💗🍡°events #byp🌹#nnn #no nut november

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bobby-r2d2-floyd · 1 year

Text

Never There (REUPLOADED)

Author’s note: it’s... been a while since I’ve written anything, I wrote a lot of hockey imagines back in the day and haven’t posted anything in a handful of years, but I recently watched Top Gun Maverick for the first time and this came to me as I was falling asleep one night and I just needed to get out.

Prompt: “you were never there for me when I wanted you to be there, they were.”

Pairing: Bradley x f!Reader, slight Bob x f!Reader if you squint; no use of Y/N, only body description is curvy

warning: swearing, mentions of cheating, mentions of lingerie

not dialogue heavy

REUPLOADED

Words: 2.5k

-----------

You and Bradley grew up together. Your mom’s were best friends, you two had been born only months apart from each other, and when Bradley’s dad passed away, it was a no-brainer that your mom would take Carole and Bradley in.

Growing up your mom’s always had the idea that you and Bradley would end up together, so when you two started dating they were over the moon. You two were already inseparable, add romance to the mix and you two became unbearable to all of your friends, he was your first everything; first love, first kiss, first time, and later on, first heartbreak.

When Carole passed away it was hard for Bradley. To be so young and to have already lost both your parents before becoming an adult yourself is no easy feat. Unfortunately, your mom followed soon after Carole. Your dad was no longer in the picture, so leaving the only place you had ever called home was easy to do.

You followed Bradley to University of Virginia after you graduated high school, he studied political science and you took undergrad courses that would later allow you to get into veterinary medicine, something that you had felt called to do your whole life, just like he felt a call to the Navy.

You’ll never forget when he came home, seething angry about how his godfather pulled his papers into the naval academy. You were there for him while he cried in frustration and cursed Pete “Maverick” Mitchell’s name.

You were there for his college graduation, proudly cheering for him from the audience as he got his political science degree. He had a massive smile on his face as he realized he was finally able to focus on getting into the Navy. Which he did, later that summer after he graduated.

When it came time for you to graduate with a general science degree, he was nowhere to be seen. The seat that he should have been sitting in was empty and cold, and you returned home to a dark apartment later that evening. It was after midnight when he finally made his appearance, stumbling into the unit you two shared after a night out with a few guys he had met at the naval academy who happened to be in town. You just smiled and told him it was okay before tucking him into bed.

When he graduated from the naval academy, you were there for his tapping out ceremony. He reminded you everyday in the week leading up to it so you wouldn’t forget, not like it mattered though because you couldn’t wait to see him doing what he wanted to do.

You put your career on hold while he was away at Top Gun, you would bartend while he would sit at the bar so you could spend time together, that was before he met a solid group of fellow aviators who became his friends, and in turn yours.

You applied to University of California, Davis for their veterinary program and ended up being accepted into the program on your first application. You were over the moon, but when you called him he left you with a “that’s great baby, but I’m out with the guys right now. Love you” before hanging up and you sighed, knowing he was stressed and this was an easy way for him to blow off some steam.

You met the special detachment a few weeks before your white coat ceremony at UC Davis, connecting instantly with all of them and they were all excited for you to attend the veterinary program. There were promises of them attending the white coat ceremony so you got tickets for the six of them, plus Bradley.

You texted all of them in a group chat about what time the ceremony started and they all assured you that they would be there, but when your name got called, only Bob was seated in the middle of six empty chairs. Your heart sank but you kept your smile as you got your white coat.

“Well, look at you.” Bob says in his Montanan accent and you smile as he wraps his arms around you. “You look great, future dog-ter.”

You laugh and choke back the tears, “Thanks Bobby, it means a lot.” you give him a small smile and he rubs your shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” he says and you shrug, not worth dwelling on the rest of the team not being there.

He takes you out to dinner and despite only knowing each other for a few weeks, it felt easy talking to him. You opened up to him about your dad never being there, your mom raising you alongside Bradley with Carole. You tell him about your childhood dog Harley and how your grandparents had a couple of horses in the mountains that you used to ride. He told you about his sisters, what life was like in rural Montana, and how he couldn’t wait to go back and see his family even if it meant doing some chores around the farm. When he smiled at you over a shared piece of tiramisu, you knew you were done for.

You kept your secret for the next four years, every important event in your life, you counted on Bradley not to show up, but Bob was always there to take you out for dinner afterwards, an unspoken tradition.

You had many fights with Bradley during those four years, each fight led you to spend the night at Bob’s and overtime he fell for you too. Slowly, then all at once when you ended up on his doorstep crying for the third time this month already.

“Sweetheart..” he breathes out as you barely into his chest and sob. He pulls you inside and shuts and locks his door before walking over to the couch, “do you want to talk about it?” he asks and you just shake your head no.

“Brad and I broke up.” you sob out and he holds you a little tighter.

Two days ago, you graduated with your PhD in veterinary medicine. You had done it, you officially became a doctor. You had invited everyone to the ceremony, Bradley, Bob, Phoenix, Hangman, Coyote, Fanboy, Payback, even Maverick and Penny were invited to the graduation ceremony. You told all of them and circled the time that you were graduating since there were two times listed for the building your ceremony was held. You were in the 1-4pm time slot and you even texted everyone the day of the ceremony that you would see time in a few hours at 1pm before you had to line up. When Bob is the only one standing there you’re a little discouraged but he told you not to worry, and that the rest of the gang would be there soon, he was just early. You smiled and talked with him for a bit before being called to line up. He gives you a hug and a kiss on the head, making you both blush before he goes and finds his seat.

After the ceremony, however, your heart sank deep into the depths of your stomach and he shakes his head, “I am so sorry, sweetheart..” and you just shake your head.

“Don’t. I don’t want to cry right now.” you say and he smiles before taking your phone from you and holding it out so he can take some pictures of you two. A friend of yours from the program offers to ‘take a few pictures of you and your boyfriend’ and before you can correct her, Bob passes your phone with a smile and wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you close to him and kisses your temple. The gesture takes you by surprise and your friend captures your genuine reaction to it with a smile before handing your phone back to you before walking away.

“Ready to go get dinner?” He asks and you shake your head.

“No, can we go to the Hard Deck?” you ask, knowing that that’s where you’ll find everyone else. He just nods and takes your hand, butterflies appear where there was previously a hot coal of disappointment. Bob drove back to the airport where a charter flight was waiting to take you back to San Diego. On the flight back, you look through your photo album, realizing way too quickly that you had more photos of you and Bob over the years than you ever did you and Bradley.

You drafted up an instagram post, waiting to publish it after you landed. You selected the picture that your friend took as well as a selfie that Bob took. Finally a dog-ter, thanks bobby for being the best of the best you caption the post and tag Bob in the post.

You hit post when the plane touches down, it was a short flight thank god, and before you know it you're busting through the doors of the Hard Deck.

“Bradley Bradshaw.” you spit when you see him standing a little too close to Phoenix.

“Wha-” he starts when he sees you walking up to him and you slap him across the face. “What the fuck is your problem?” he nearly yells, grabbing the whole attention of the bar.

“You are.” you spit out before looking at the rest of the group. “You know, the one time I care about you all showing up for me, and being there for me, was today. I never asked for anything and I forgave all of you every other time that y’all bailed on plans. My white coat ceremony? That’s fine, it wasn’t too big of a deal.” You turn and look at Bradley, “my graduation from UVA? You weren’t there. You weren’t at my high school graduation, you didn’t come back for my senior prom either. You come home late most nights and are gone before I wake up.. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore Brad..” you say before turning to leave. “And, you two? You’re adults who have been like my parents for the last five years, and not even you could show up for my doctorate graduation?” you just shake your head and leave everyone staring at each other, the bar quiet enough that you could hear a pin drop in the kitchen. You walk out to Bob’s car and lean against it and let out a sob, jumping when you feel a hand on your shoulder.

“Hey, it’s just me.. Do you want to come back to mine?” Bob asks and you shake your head no.

“Can you take me back to mine? I think I’m gonna pack some stuff up… I can’t do this anymore Bob.. I want to go back home.” you choke out and he nods his head, opening the passenger door up for you and you waste no time sitting down in the seat. He shuts the door behind you and walks to the driver’s side. Once inside he looks at you and places a gentle hand on your leg that doesn’t move until you get out of his car in your driveway.

“Thank you.” you say and he looks over at you with a small smile.

“You don’t need to thank me for anything, darlin’.” He says and before you can change your mind, you lean across the center console of his FJ and kiss him softly.

“I do, though.” you say before getting out of the car and into the apartment that you share with Brad. When you hear Bob pull away you look around the living room, seeing more of Brad’s achievements around the area than any of yours.

Packing is easy, you already had a few things squared away and in the back of your jeep, knowing that Bradley would never care enough to check your car for anything. You were in the process of finishing on clearing out your closet when you found a lingerie set that isn’t yours. The biggest giveaways are that it’s too slim for your curvy figure, it’s lace, and it’s a deep shade of pink. You only wore red or black when the mood struck and never any lace. The fact that your boyfriend was sleeping with someone else, in your own bed, just made you sick. You continued packing, quicker now that you found the lingerie.

You were coming back in from taking the last suitcase out to your car when Bradley pulled into the driveway. "What are you doing?" he asks and you look over at him.

"What do you mean 'what are you doing?' Bradley? I'm fucking done." you say as you walk into the bedroom to grab the lace one piece.

"You're leaving?" he asks, voice booming in the unit.

"Yeah! I'm fucking leaving, Bradley! I'm tired of not being important enough for you anymore!" your voice echoes in the hall as you stomp back to here he his, shoving the garment at his chest, "we're fucking done."

He pales when he looks at what you slapped against him "Baby I-"

"Don't. Don't you fucking 'baby' me, Bradley. You were never there for me and now I understand why. How long have you been fucking her?"

"I'm not fucking Phoenix. How long have you been fucking Bob?" he spits, throwing the lace on the floor.

"I never said a name." you say, eyes full of unshed tears and he pales when he realizes his mistake. "I understand that I went to school eight hours away, you don't think that wasn't hard for me? Obviously it was easy for you when you had your fucking wingman in our bed! Is that why there's no trace of me, of us, anywhere in this apartment? There's no more pictures of us on the wall, just your stuff in the bathroom.. I'm tired of living like a stranger in my own fucking home!"

He tries to take a step closer but you take two steps back. "How long?" you ask, refusing to look at him.

"How long what?"

"How long since you stopped loving me?" you say, voice above a whisper.

In his silence, you find your answer. You nod softly with a self depreciating laugh. "When you weren't there for me, Bob was. I was there for you, for everything. Since we were babies and I couldn't even get you to show up for me, one time. All the military ceremonies and the navy balls and the graduations, and seeing you off before deployments and being there when you got back but you couldn't once be there for me?" you say, finally looking over at him as the tears fall. "I never cheated on you with Bob. I've never had sex with him, Roos.." you bite back a sob and he hangs his head. "But somewhere along the way I fell in love with him, and i can only hope that one day you will actually love someone how I loved you." you say, slipping the apartment key off your keys and you place it gently on the coffee table before walking out the door on the man you thought that you were going to spend the rest of your life with, and into the arms of the man who was always there for you.

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