#and then took it away bc it had illustrations of the reproductive systems

[halfelven]

the where are you in the sibling lineup always throws me a little since i am currently the youngest child, but i spent a lot of my childhood as a middle child, and i was destroyed with all the pressure of oldest child since my older siblings couldn't handle anything and weren't expected to. most people assume i'm an oldest child. some people assume i'm a middle child but the 'eldest daughter.' no one has ever assumed i'm the youngest child or that i don't have siblings. but technically i'm now the youngest out of my siblings. bringing this up bc my friends have literally forgotten i'm actually younger than both my older siblings and roped me in as the oldest child when complaining about the difficulties of being the oldest child. but i also never got the attention they did. i always put it as having all the responsibilities of being the oldest without any of the privileges

#txt #narn #sometimes i'm like how the hell did you get a career??? #and then it's like oh i see #your mother paid attention to your ambitions and placed you with mentors #MY mother gave me an anatomy book bc of my medical interest #and then took it away bc it had illustrations of the reproductive systems #like do you expect me to study medicine without ever acknowledging... certain aspects of anatomy? #sorry i'm fucking bitter about this still #i should have studied medicine or science #but i was living in a 'creationist' household #where i wasn't supposed to acknowledge ppl had bodies under their clothes #and then i just applied to university when i was 15 to get the hell out of there #though that didn't work bc i had no money #it's fine. it's whatever. #my ptsd is probably too bad for me to have a stable career in anything ever #sorry i'm just up too late and want to talk to space but also with the possibility of being seen? #terribly upset bc i just learnt that some ppl with ptsd don't have unwanted memories many times each day #i think with the amount of life i've lived in hell vs out of it it will be years before that stops happening if ever