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cienie-isengardu · 3 years

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axelzp replied to “The Bad Batch”:

I think most people take issue with Omega and TBB due to concerns over whitewashing. Also, what do you have against the explanation of the biochips? Personally, I always thought it fit Palpatine's controlling nature better than the idea of clones just getting a command from some random guy in a hood, telling them to kill the Jedi.

First off, I apologize it took me so long to answer. I tried to explain my reasoning in a short and coherent way as possible, but apparently the years of frustration about this issue needed more space to be properly addressed. So, in advance, sorry for text length.

From all TCW changes done to star wars, the chip-in-brain is one of my top 3 reasons to dislike the whole TV show, despite many of its good moments. I understand why authors chose this sub-plot that allows them to separate the visibly individual "good" clones (thus making them more likeable for the audience / marketing) from the “bad” that kill the Jedi but frankly, I find it a cheap and kinda problematic excuse. Clones were victims regardless of which version people will accept but I really despite the idea that Jedi were their beloved generals and commanders - so beloved that clones actually had nightmares about killing them waaay before Palpatine ultimately won which undermines the whole point of Order 66.

Jedi could never expect clones to shoot them in the back because they were used to their unquestioned obedience from the start of war. It was common knowledge, repeatedly mentioned in sources like “Jedi Trial” that clones were “bred to war, bred to discipline, bred to obey without question the orders of the powers that paid for their services”. Clones were made that way by genetic manipulations and years of intensive training; an indoctrination that makes clone troopers believe they have obey, no matter what cost.

Some sources, like Clone Wars Adventures’ “Orders” outright show us the mindset of clones:

and We’ve got nothing but each other ad our orders.

Because of that worldbuilding, I prefer Legends take on clone obedience and the Jedi approach to the problem than what TCW created. I talked about it more here, but the general sense is that I feel cheated by the idea of chips that turn people into some “programmed” machines because in such way, TCW erased the Jedi & Republic part in abuse & enslavement of clone troopers, while at the same time giving an unrealistic idea that Jedi were so liked / respected when most of clones did not have any special bond with them. And this is less about if Jedi were good military leaders or not and more that as generals/commanders they didn’t interact that much with common troopers. Because the chain of command doesn’t work like that. I’m willing to buy the close(r) bond between Anakin & 501st because frankly Darth Vader himself from the start was built as someone with better relationships with common troopers / “normal” officers than with most of the high ranking officers presented on screen. I’m pretty sure some other Jedi were caring and liking clones (and vice versa) but it is impossible for generals to know and be so close to all of their troopers.

Above everything else, Legends created an interesting situation in which the Jedi Council / Order knew clones would follow orders no matter if those were right or not and were aware how dangerous it could be yet they still didn’t do anything about it, because the obedience of clones were beneficial for them. Jedi not only took for granted their obedience, they mistook it for respect.

Which really speaks a lot about Jedi's own moral failing and/or lack of understanding the difference between those two terms.

In the Legends sources, there was no need for chips, really, when from the start Kaminoans tinkered with clone genome, created the effective system of “proper” education to mold clones into obedient soldiers and Republic wasn’t really interested to undo the damage done by such indoctrination.

Before TCW brought the chips and “nightmares haunting clones” there were officially established Contingency Orders for the Grand Army of the Republic: Order Initiation, Orders 1 Through 150. A guideline for unexpected and/or critical situations, so the Great Army of Republic [GAR] would know how to proceed - especially when troopers were given contradictory orders. The orders (also known as Clone Protocols) weren’t secret and there is a big chance that Jedi knew it, if someone bothered to learn the manual. The whole formula of Order 66 was described as:

"In the event of Jedi officers acting against the interests of the Republic, and after receiving specific orders verified as coming directly from the Supreme Commander (Chancellor), GAR commanders will remove those officers by lethal force, and command of the GAR will revert to the Supreme Commander (Chancellor) until a new command structure is established."

And here how the scene played in the RotS novelisation:

That concealed compartment held a secure comlink, which was frequency-locked to a channel reserved for the commander in chief.

Kenobi nodded and spoke to his mount, and the great beast overleapt the clone commander on its way down into the battle.

Cody withdrew the comlink from his armor and triggered it.

A holoscan appeared on the palm of his gauntlet: a hooded man.

"It is time," the holoscan said. "Execute Order Sixty-Six."

Cody responded as he had been trained since before he'd even awakened in his creche-school. "It will be done, my lord."

The holoscan vanished. Cody stuck the comlink back into its concealed recess and frowned down toward where Kenobi rode his dragonmount into selflessly heroic battle.

Cody was a clone. He would execute the order faithfully, without hesitation or regret. But he was also human enough to mutter glumly, "Would it have been too much to ask for the order to have come through before I gave him back the bloody lightsaber. . . ?"

The order is given once. Its wave-front spreads to clone commanders on Kashyyyk and Felucia, Mygeeto and Tellanroaeg and every battlefront, every military installation, every hospital and rehab center and spaceport cantina in the galaxy.

So there is really no “random hooded guy” calling clones to kill Jedi but Chancellor himself using an appropriately secured military channel with confirmation of his identity to issue a legal order in a critical situation (an opportunity created by the Jedi Council themselves who went into the Senate building to kill Palpatine). So why the clones shouldn’t listen, when the order came directly from the Supreme Commander of the Great Army of the Republic?

Of course, the movie (and novel based on it) alone has this weird addition like “yes my Lord'', what I personally consider as the cinematic way to show the switch from Chancellor Palpatine to Emperor Darth Sidious. Still, I’m willing to give some benefit of doubt about the modification made by Kaminoans and if Order 66 could trigger anything hidden in clone subconscious. But even if there was something, it didn’t erase their personalities or changed the way clones behaved like it happened in The Clone Wars and The Bad Batch.

One way or another, the Order 66 worked out because clones “have no malice, no hatred, not the slightest ill intent that might give warning. They are only following orders”. Which I guess comes down to how clone troopers were presented - or maybe rather how they were seen by other characters in the Legends. As more detached, combat pragmatic, toned down, to some degree isolated from the outside world, less individual. Regardless of what Jedi or Republic citizens thought about clones, it did not make them any less human beings.

And here comes the paradox of The Clone Wars. The TV show made great effort to humanize clones by presenting them as very individual, outstanding people which in itself is a great thing. The names, the tattos, the different paintings of armours, visible variety of behaviour. All great to make the audience see clones as human beings, to get emotionally invested into them, because the more likeable clones were the better for marketing the story (and the cynical part of me thinks it really comes down to making money, isn’t it?)

But this effort became also the trap and the inhibitor chips is the excuse to make such loved, caring and brave characters into the detached clones gunning down the Jedi in Revenge of the Sith.

The things that irks me a lot about this situation is the feeling like fans started care for clones because they were made into different type of characters than what they were (similar like Anakin’s movie characterization was thrown out of the window, to make him more suitable for fans who wanted the badass typical male hero instead of introverted, conflicted and traumatized young man). The clones get the visible individuality to make them the heroes we should root for, but then there is the “magical” switch that will cut down their heroic deeds because now they are “bad” and stormtroopers can’t have any personality. Which is just… frustrating.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore how clone troopers get more visible individuality (even if sometimes if felt too exaggerated), but the “not standing out from the group” was something that kept clones alive on Kamino and I can see why it was used as coping mechanism (the safe option) during the war. I regret that The Clone Wars didn’t show the transition from AotC nameless troopers into such individuals and how much it happened thanks to Jedi, what may help to build the feeling of supposed strong bond between Jedi and troopers. Because frankly, when we met TCW!clones, they already have names, different colors and marks on armor plates and helmets and for all we know, they could create their own “culture” without Jedi influence.

The final part of why I hate the chip-in-brain sub-plot is how it changed clones. Because even if that was a means to force clones into killing Jedi & ensure that Order 66 will be carried on no matter what, it shouldn’t change them into bullies toward their own brothers. But now in The Bad Batch, the clones don’t speak between themselves, are aggressive toward others and generally act like assholes for no real reason. And yeah, I get this may be a cinematic metaphor for a change from “good” republic soldiers into “bad” imperial stormtroopers and most likely something along the way “Republic/Jedi gave you individuality, Empire takes that away” but frankly, Republic did not give anything to clones. It did not acknowledge their human right, didn’t have any plan for their future, didn’t pay for their service or more expensive medical treatment for that matter, did not teach them they could - should - make their own choices.

Now clones are cheering for the Empire because inhibitor chips! They are assholes, because inhibitor chips! They shoot their *beloved* Jedi generals because of the chips!

And in a way, I get this resolution, the chips make it clear clones were victims. But even without them, they were victims from the start. Except now clones are “programmed” while in Legends the senate (a power paying for their life) officially and legally renamed Republic into Empire and clones were glad for still having a purpose in life. The war ended (thus their usefulness), but they were still needed - still wanted - instead of being put down or closed at Kamino or whatever. I can see why the uncertainty of the future made clones cheering up for the Empire. And frankly, I personally prefer them not caring for the political change (because why should they? It never was their job to *judge* the rightness of their superiors) instead of being “programmed” like some droids and playing the role of fodder to kill for the “good guys”.

Dunno, if I explained properly my issue with inhibitor chips, it just feels to me as not really convincing and a too risky concept in the bigger picture of the things and the fact that Jedi just like that ignored this suspicion matter of Tup and Fives and biochips doesn’t help either. Like I said, I understand why the chips were introduced to the story, as the excuse in the change of clone troopers’ behaviour but at the end of day, Legends worldbuilding will always make more sense to me. I don’t need overly done differentiation of clones to care for them as an individual human beings (and it kinda seems to me like that, clones suddenly became fan favorite when every looks or act differently but not when the AotC literally presented them as an army created to blindly obey Jedi/Republic) and I don’t blame them for sticking with Empire because what better option they had, considering their upbringing and the pathological system in which they lived all their life?

Dunno, I’m biased and may just have allergy to TCW in general.

As for Omega, I’m not really surprised about this concern, especially after seeing TBB’s version of padawan Kanan (that if not for A) some basic knowledge about his backstory and B) Depa Billaba calling him by name, I would probably never have figured out who he was supposed to be). But for Omega alone, I don’t mind her look, because I’m used to Legends!Jango’s biological family in which his mother and sister were both blond haired women and frankly, some “defective” clones (including Rex?) apparently could be blond too, so it seems like Jango’s genome has a recessive gene somewhere for that color of hair. I try to hold my judgment about Omega and her appearance until the full backstory will be revealed because there is still a chance that Fett’s DNA was mixed with someone else's (still I hope Omega is not force sensitive…). I mean, Hunter has heightened senses while Wrecker has almost supernatural strength and both traits seem to be not really human, so who knows what Kaminoans really did with them.

I understand people’s emotional response to Disney’s approach to characters and their visual look, especially since it isn’t the first screw up in New Canon (the models for characters in general and New Mandalorians especially). I’m totally okay with people’s criticism of that matter and demanding from Disney more diversity and respecting the already established ethnicity of certain groups. I’m aware I may not be sensitive enough to that matter as some other people (even more with barely watching TV shows to have any current and up-to-date comparison to trends in cartoons) and I’m pretty sure more qualified / invested fans already wrote or will be writing soon great metas about that. But the thing that irks me is hearing people saying that Omega *can’t* be Jango’s clone - I don’t like this sort of exclusion based on someone’s look alone. She may not look like Fett or other (male) clones but it is not something Omega chose for herself and does not erase her connection to the rest of the Bad Batch. Being angry at Disney/creators for her look is a different matter I don’t have any problem with.

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pensofgrace · 3 years

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Feminism Gone Wrong!

cene one Rose parked her black ride in front of her favourite restaurant, picked her bag, got out of her car. She adjusted her black body hug that speaks classy, executive, sexy, well marched with a luxury bag and watch, she matched in as beautiful as she can. Upon entering the restaurant, moving to their regular sit, she realised brandy was not present yet, shakes her head and sit. Rose: "this girl cannot fail to disappoint", she says while looking at few posts on Instagram. "let me see what her excuse will be today, maybe its flat tyre or traffic". She called on the waiter to give her regular drink. While rose was sipping her smoothie, a woman with nice curves walked in with all her glory, a well porshe girl with a simple dress of about $300. " before you run curses on me, babe the traffic was terrible, I couldn’t drive rough like those rough beard guys do", brandy says while sitting down, dropping her purse and phone on the table, she looks at rose smiling. " I was waiting for your majestic excuse already ma", she says not looking up, " so, you had a terrible traffic from vgc to chevron, hmmmm, impressing", she stops talking, looking up at brandy with a smirk on her face. Brandy looks away scratching her ears, " baby love, am sorry, I was watching spider man when you called that you were 5 minutes away, I totally forgot about our date”, giving her apology smile. " keep that love for them that sort for it, I knew you lied when you said you were out of your gate, I just knew it. You know what, lets just forget it, its your usual behaviour, am hooked forever. Brandy erupts into loud, mocking laughter, " am happy you know dear, we are stacked forever. So, you said you had something important to tell me, which could not be said over the phone or through mail". She says closing the joke atmosphere automatically, pulled up her serious wall up face. Now, it was brandy’s turn to look guilty, up in her mind she stated to think of how to present the matter, "o my God, how is brandy going to take this, am I being stupid and selfish right now, what if she breaks it with me, I don’t want to lose my best friend, really been together for five years. She shouldn’t be that angry right, what!!!, the oath, am in serious trouble right now, what if sheeeee…. "rose Philips", brandy voice erupted close to her nose, rose jerked back, " why did you scream my full name like that, common some respect", rose said trying to hide her anxiety. Brandy looked at her " look here I don’t have timed for your games, you went off for about five minutes, I ordered a drink just thinking about what could have been so big that you went so locked down", brandy sighed, smile and said " sweetie I love you, we are best friends, nothing can be so difficult you cant tell me, we are in this together, remember?, remember our promise to one another, no issue and problem coming between us, unless you’ve broken our oath, I mean you remember right", brandy took a sip of her drink, sit back and said, " well, I trust you that you wont break that, we decided on it together, no man making decisions for us. We are the independent woman baby! " brandy says laughing and jumping on her seat. Rose sits up straight, took a sip of her smoothie, she looked at brandy and continued the conversation. “, that’s why am here, you see... "what do you mean, our promise, babe you are scaring me", brandy jumped in. Rose breath in calmly them looked up to brandy. "brandy, please can you calm down, promise me you will let me explain, let me finish before you jump in’, brandy smiled and shake her head up and down while crossing her leg. " am all ears rose, feel free, tell me anything, we will solve this together". " okay, here it goes. You remember how much we suffered in the hand of men, how they treated and molested us, making us feel like we worth nothing, brandy, remember how drake used my skills and potentials to build himself to the top he his right now. Can you remember how we decided to never fall for any human being with a short hair, no breast to feed a baby and a

material to produce a baby, our decision to never be vulnerable or subject to a man, how we made that oath to be independent, an ability to depend on ourselves only, equality with men, {at this point rose was up in tears, not bothering to swipe it off, rose did not make any movement m, looking still, it feels as though she knows what this is about already, not ready to acknowledge and accept though}. "am sorry brandy but I can’t do this anymore, I can’t push this wanting, this desire for a help mate away anymore, brandy I can’t keep ignoring his care, his love, his realness, he loves me, and am not sorry to say I love him too". Rose stopped talking waiting for brandy’s comment after no response, she looked up to see rose giving her the betrayal eyes. She quickly spoke up. " brandy please, I didn’t mean too……. "rose from this day onward we are officially off, no need of arguing and trying to convince you, goodbye rose Philips". Brandy stood up dropped some thousands on the table, left without looking back. Rose dropped her head on the table and sobbed. SCENE TWO " hi baby, you miss me, matt kisses rose on the cheek, rose left her sitting position to assist matt with his attire. Rose: "how was your meeting, contract coming in", she looks at him with hope Matt: " well, am sorry to say babe, am not the most successful CEO in the world yet, but you are looking at the youngest successful CEO in Arica". Rose jumped on the bed, screaming yes! Yes! Yes! "you deserve it baby am so proud of you", she looks at him with a serious face, ‘ you complete me , you are my perfection’. Matt: " it’s the other way around love’. Rose:" let me drop to the kitchen, something special for a special man with a special achievement" Matt: " no baby, no stress for you, love, we are going out, a friend told me about a nice place, its new, very exclusive, executive and exotic" Rose: "funny, three e’s for a place" Matt: "actually the place is called three e’s" Rose: "okay, let me freshen up, give me 10" Matt: "no, make it 15, I won’t be done in 10, not as fast as you fox" Rose laughs, shaking her head " just like brandy". SCENE THREE Brandy stood near her office table, checking for a Particular important document her personal assistance should have documented properly, " stupid man, they never do any thing right, such a disappointment, what a waste of resources, I presume too". Her office door opened with no noise, " madam new couples are here, we got their details to be their first, should we give the the ultimate on the house service". Brandy: " next time you come into my office without permission, I will make sure you never get a job in Nigeria again, is that clear Patrick, idiot, now do that which is right, I will come down and greet them myself, get their table number for me. Make them comfortable". Brandy found the document, kept it ion her bag, checked herself in the mirror reapplied her lip stick. " Patrick, what table", she said with no smile " ma, its table 7, they are having a drink right nooo…… "shut up, I didn’t ask that, hmmmm 7, rose favourite number". Brandy walked down to table 7, upon getting their she discovered it was rose, she looked at her, full of annoyance and betrayal, left the table without a word, rose stood up immediately ran after her lost best fiend screaming her name, not minding the scene they were both creating. Rose: " brandy, please wait, please, its ben so long, hear me out. Brandy turned back sharply " I want no conversation with a person like you, enough!" Rose; " stop, just stop, okay can we talk, maybe not n ow, someday during the week, please, just please, I will drop my card with the receptionist. Will be waiting to meet up. I still love you". Rose turned making her way to her husband, she turned " by the way, nice restaurant, it has always been your dream, good work, brandy". Scene

four Brandy sit quietly at the corner of the restaurant, everywhere seems cool and fun. She sips her drink smirking at herself, at a little side up she could see matt chatting and laughing about something rose says. "stupid fool, let’s see if you will see something to laugh at by the end of the day" Brandy calls upon a waited for a refill, seeing matt standing up moving towards the rest room, she sends the waiter off standing up and walking towards matt’s direction. She waited for matt to come out of the gent, Brandy: hello to you too Mr matt, having a fun day" Matt: ohh, brandy you scared me, what’s up, you look good, didn’t know you were around" Brandy: you weren’t supposed to know, you brought this upon yourself though, what aaaaaa……. Matt: see brandy, I know you vexed with your bae, its wasn’t her fault, seriously, she told me about the oath and promise, I thought they were unreasonable first but after she told me about you and your past, I came to understand, but you see, you are a very beautiful girl…. Brandy; ohh, Mr matt, rose told you about my past right, lovely, I believe she told you about the gang rape too, how interesting my life story with Fred, I guess I have a better reason to do this. Brandy comes upon matt suddenly, knowing his head against the wall, after so many punches, she believed him to be dead. Brandy: no man, we promised no name, rose and our oath is mine. I hope the angels are willing to take you to hell for breaking two friends up with fake love, and I hope rose realise I just did her a good favour". Brandy adjust her cloth cleans her hand, heads back to her seat, calls for the waiter for a drink while she watches matt body being rushed out, with a devastated rose. SCENE FIVE rose knocks on brandy’s office door, enters and takes her seat, looking at brandy. Brandy: to what annoying honour do I hold this unexpected, unwelcome visit Mrs rose Chantel" After few second of no response from rose Brandy: am giving you 10 seconds to leave my office, or I will calllll…… Rose: why, why, why brandy. You hate me that much Brandy: well, I would have an answer to any why if I do know where the why is directed to Rose: you hate me so much, you angry about the oath but do you have to do what you did, almost killing my husband Brandy: almost, he’s not dead, what! That bastard isn’t dead, how come, how Rose: so, you won’t deny it, really brandy I never knew you were such a snake, well to disappoint your miserable life, he’s not, because he never deserved it. How could you, for what reason, because he loves me. Aint you suppose to be happy for me, happy for your best friend, what has gotten into you. Brandy; best fiend my foot, you lost that title months ago, you lied to me, betrayed me. Rose; then have you forgotten our promise to each other, forgiveness all the way, I could hand you over now to the police, but I won’t, I still love you brandy, you’ve always being sister, please stop all this. Just stop it. Brandy: just get out, I hate you liar, get out…… Brandy screams at rose, after rose left the office, brandy break down weeping SCENE SIX Brandy sit at the sitting room, watching the tv, news going on around the world obviously her mind seems outside the house, all in another world. After about a minute of leaking tears, she picks up her phone. Went to a number, typed a capital "AM SORRY". Switch off her phone and lays down. SCENE SEVEN Rose; " thanks for coming, although it took you extra two hours after you said you were close, guess you haven’t changed", smiling to brandy " I don’t have time for your nonsense chit-chat, why am in here, I got business to run’. Rose: " I love you, please never doubt that, what happened wasn’t planned, I didn’t even know I had gotten so far in, until he proposed, and I said yes. The feeling wont just go away, bran…… Brandy; " since when,

since when have you two been together, till the time you told me, since when rose, one month, two months, answer me!!!", she spoke up so angry Rose: "six-month brandy, babe, I was only joking around, I only planned to play him and make feel miserable, please, I love him". Brandy; "six, six, woah, six months, my best friend kept a secret from me, how many more do I need to know, you married, you got two kids in the cupboard’, Rose; ‘after you left, I lost it, couldn’t contact you, he stood with me, he was my comfort, he gave me happiness, we got married. I love him brandy and am not ready to leave him for anything". Brandy:" so why am I here, what do you want", Rose:" I want my best friend back, I want you to enjoy the happiness I do now, I need you to change your mentality about this feminism of a thing, please". Brandy: " so you want you change, why should I do that, give me reasons rose. Your love for a man made you leave me, common convince me your betrayal". Rose:" I accept, I betrayed you, but it was for a good thing, you are not happy brandy. I know that, I can see it in your face, just one chance, just a chance with a good man" "baby", she says holding a broken brandy’s hand, " please, a good man is what it takes, a good man won’t make you feel like a slave, like a servant, no he won’t want, he would want you as a helpmate, someone to complete him. Thank about it, no need to rush, just calm your heart, baby I need you to break that wall when that man comes, that responsible man with a good knowledge of how to treat a woman, okay, love”. Brandy kept to silence holding rose’s hand like her life depend on it. A lot was going through her mind, he wanted to talk but knew deep down the truth was been laid down flat. SCENE EIGHT ‘happy birthday brandy" "thanks so much for coming it’s a small party I guess, like I want, hmmm, rose is poking my eyes with invisible spears, wanting a speech, isoritte, here we go, thanks to God first, He made me special, am grateful to my parent for the prayers and support am 25 meh, so to rose, I love you more than life itself, you aint just a friend, you are my sister, days of fight and love, of arguing and convincing. Thanks for changing my mentality on some ideas I keep to heart, thanks for making me make the best decision, my life could ever need. Thanks love am happy for you, I appreciate you. To the man that wet through hell to get my heart, bros kudos to you mehn, guy you deserve some awards, thanks for not giving up on me, thanks for always running off to rose for ways to cool mu hot brain. I love you. Just mind you, no baby yet, let me enjoy my marriage first. And to all that…………….

‘happy birthday brandy"

"thanks so much for coming it’s a small party I guess, like I want, hmmm, rose is poking my eyes with invisible spears, wanting a speech, isoritte, here we go, thanks to God first, He made me special, am grateful to my parent for the prayers and support am 32 meh, so to rose, I love you more than life itself, you aint just a friend, you are my sister, days of fight and love, of arguing and convincing.

Thanks for changing my mentality on some ideas I keep to heart, thanks for making me make the best decision, my life could ever need. Thanks love am happy for you, I appreciate you.

oy my marriage first. And to all that…………….

#love #relationship #marriage #friendship #best friends #business owner #rich

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masked-buffoon · 3 years

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Chapter: An oxidising dream of a world (Part 4)

Warnings: none

Author notes: some angsty fluff before getting back to full angst...

"Those leaves are particular. Will you believe we could find their location with those leaves, stuck onto their soles?" Dazai laughed as he revealed the location of Mimic's headquarters to Oda.

The men had left, as well as Akutagawa, and only I remained by my executive's side. I should have been more cheerful, for he did not seem to be angry against me, yet, I could not help the clench of my fists and the tight feeling in my chest. This one mission... I had failed it.

"Don't take unnecessary risks and wait for us, Odasaku." He said before hanging up "Let's go back Ogawa, we must think about our next step."

"Yes, Dazai..." I mumbled without much enthusiasm.

"Why didn't you shoot earlier?" He questioned me, walking toward the exit "Akutagawa-kun spoiled your mission, he spat on your hard work. Why didn't you shoot?"

"That is..." My hands trembled "I do not... I could not kill him..."

"You killed your parents." He stated, coldly.

"It was different... I was immature, only sought revenge and acted on a whim. Today, Akutagawa has faulted, but I do not believe he deserved death for his mistake. Moreover, as I have said..." I looked up at him "It was not my place to punish him... I apologise if my behaviour displeased you, Dazai..."

"No... It's fine..." He sighed "To be honest, I... Was relieved that you did not shoot... That's all..."

"Is that so...?" I cracked a weak smile "Relieved...?"

"If you had obeyed me, I would have been disappointed." He admitted "You have grown to control your emotions and would not take a life unless for your duty. Besides, if Akutagawa-kun had survived, he would have held a grudge against you and you could have been hurt afterwards."

"I see... I understand..."

"You do not seem pleased by my words. What is it that bothers you, Ogawa?"

"Why..." I started, clenching my fists "It was a mission you entrusted me with... Although it is not the first, I have failed it..."

A shameful sob escaped my throat right after, and I covered my mouth not to let any other take the better of me. But I could not help the tears which poured onto my cheeks. I was so disappointed in myself, so disappointed I could not have ended the mission properly, so disappointed someone had come and destroyed my work. It was all too normal that I expected Dazai to be disappointed as well, and it scared me to suffer from his disappointment, which could easily turn into anger, annoyance and violence. I did not want to live any of those anymore, thus could not hold my fear back. This lack of courage to assume my own responsibilities was also pretty disappointing.

"You failed it." He simply stated, his eyes focused on a stray cat walking in the alley.

The three doomed words were a heavy burden for my frail shoulders, but the remaining dignity in my mind refrained me from crouching down to cry like a little girl.

"I'm sorry, Dazai... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I chanted the familiar apology, almost out of reflex, even though I had promised not to be frightened by him "I'm so —"

"Those are not the words I want to hear!" He cut me, grabbing my right wrist violently "I know you are sorry! You're always sorry, for yourself, for the henchmen, for me! Why don't you stand tall and strong? Look up and say you'll do better next time! What's so complicated about it...?!"

"I-I cannot —"

"Say it!!" He insisted harshly.

I tried to avoid his look, but was powerlessly drawn to his single, shining eye. There was no trace of anger, nor disappointment. I could not read this peculiar emotion I saw, but there was something encouraging in the way he looked at me. Crying never solved any trouble... I knew so, yet tears were always so quick to come. Sniffing, I used my sleeves to wipe my tears away, and cleared my throat.

"I... Failed this time..." I started, very hesitantly "But I will... Do better next time... If you will give me another chance..."

"I will give you another chance." He sighed, letting go of me "Obviously I will, for, although you failed, it was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to help it... Moreover, it isn't as if you have never succeeded in any other mission..."

I rubbed my bruised wrist, uncomfortably staring at the dirt on the ground. He had done it. He had laid a hand onto me. Oh, I did not want to look up and see guilt upon realising it, in the one eye which was not covered by bandages... It was my fault, too... If I had not been so stupidly overwhelmed by my emotions... I flinched when I felt his hand onto my head, and looked up at his slight smile, sensing his clumsy but gentle touch through my hair. I cracked a smile too, a relieved and sincere one of genuine joy, in return to his.

"Does this mean... I escaped the hostess outfit?" I asked rather playfully.

"It seems you did." He chuckled "Let's reach Odasaku, okay? Or he'll do something stupid again."

"Yes, Dazai." I nodded.

When we made it to the abandoned observatory which was used by Mimic as a hideout, it was already being eaten by a violent fire, and the numerous scraps and pieces of materials shattered around the place suggested the building had been blown up before we could arrive. Oda...! Was he still alive...? The same question surely crossed my superior's mind, because his lips were tightly pursed, his eyes scanning our surroundings as if looking for something — looking for his friend.

"I will —"

"Let's all of us go." He cut me "I don't want to lose any member of my squadron tonight, and will not take the risk to part. After me."

I obediently followed his surprising orders, his troupes too, but it was so unusual for him to care so much about mere cannon fodder, as the Port Mafia considered subordinates, that it felt odd to us all.

"I think he did not die." I told Dazai, wanting to sound reassuring.

"But he could be hurt."

"Even so, he would be alive." I looked away "Is that not important...?"

"Both are. I'd like him to be unharmed and undead, if I may say." He shrugged.

The laying body of his friend was on display before our eyes, and before my superior could even react to it, I had rushed toward Oda. I crouched next to him and carefully turned him onto his back. I took a breath. I did not want Dazai to worry and do that himself... I did not want to see him ever lose his cold composure that felt so reassuring, in a way... I brought my index and middle fingers to Oda's vessels, located under the skin of his neck, and checked his blood pressure. Weak, but there. He was alive...! A quick check around his nose revealed a faint breathing too, but his palm had a weird colour...

"He is still alive." I said when my executive came in front of me "Hurt, surely poisoned, but alive."

"I see... Thank you. Let's bring him back."

"Yes, Dazai-san. He needs urgent care..." I agreed, helping him pick Oda up.

#bsd #bsd oc #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bsd imagines #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai osamu

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ibsul-jin · 5 years

Text

Min-zero (Part II)

Word count: 3.1K

“I think you might be mistaken, Y/N. The pleasure will be all mine,” Mr. Song says as he finally turns to face you.

Wait. That face. It can’t be.

“You- you!” you exclaim, thrusting a finger in Mr. Song’s direction. You open and close your mouth a few times, unsure of exactly what to say. You’re speechless from the shock. How? What? – What was going on. After a long pause, you erupt into a fit of giggles. You can’t contain yourself so you laugh and laugh until you’re clutching at your sides, unable to stop.

“Good one, Mino,” you wipe a tear from the corner of your eye. “Damn, how did you even come up with that? You were always a good prankster, weren’t you?” you walk around the office trying look for the hidden cameras. You lift up a suspiciously placed snow globe off a bookshelf to inspect it closely.

“I would appreciate if you didn’t touch that Miss Y/N,” Mino warns. You stick your tongue out at him.

“You have to tell me, though. How on earth did you get the CEO of WIN Enterprises to play along?” you look at Mr. Kim sceptically.

“Miss Y/N, I’m appalled at your behaviour!” Mr. Kim looks flabbergasted. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now can we please drop the act? There’s no way Min-zero here is actually the CEO of this company,” you retort.

Min-zero was the nickname you gave your high school classmate and number one rival, Song Minho, or Mino, as he wanted everyone to call him. Mino was the archetypical class clown. He never took his studies seriously and instead loved to rap, sleep, or pick on you. Meanwhile, you were class president, valedictorian the year you graduated, and an overall high achiever. Your contrasting personalities was what led to you to begin bullying each other non-stop. Mino hated your perfectionism, the way you never accepted failure, and he especially hated how you always thought you were better than him. You hated that Mino never took anything seriously, the way he had no concept of taking responsibility for his actions, and that he was just generally annoying.

“Now listen here, Miss Y/N. Mr. Song told me that you both were previously acquainted but he assured me that this conflict of interest would not affect either of your abilities to work. However, I will not tolerate abusive language towards an exemplary employee and personal friend. I request that you apologize to Mr. Song immediately or resign if you are not able to cooperate.” Mr. Kim warns you sternly.

“Sir, I would appreciate if you could give Y/N and myself some time to talk in private. This must be a shock to her. We haven’t seen each other since we graduated high school,” Mino interjects before you say something that would land you in even bigger trouble.

“Alright, you may,” Mr. Kim sighs. This was getting to be too dramatic for him to handle at his old age. Before he leaves, he leans into Mino’s ear and you hear him whispering “don’t be afraid to call security if you need to.” That little.

When you and Mino are finally left inside the office by yourselves, reality begins to dawn on you. It was awkwardly quiet. Why was no one was yelling “Surprise! Gotcha!” or pointing out hidden cameras? You pinch yourself. Okay, so you weren’t dreaming either; Song Mino was actually the new CEO of WIN. Fuck. But how? You look Mino up and down, seeing him properly for the first time.

He’s changed a lot since high school. Now he is tall and handsome, with shoulders broader than you remember them. He fills out his perfectly tailored designer suit nicely. His skin is smooth and his acne had cleared up completely since you last saw him. His jet black hair is styled perfectly, lightly swept up to reveal his forehead. Mino’s most defining feature, his prominent eyebrows, are the same as you had remembered. Except one of them is now raised as he looks at you questioningly.

“Y/N, I asked if you’re okay,” his voice brings you out of your own thoughts.

“Okay? How could I be okay? I’m confused as hell,” you storm up to him. “How are you the CEO? How am I your assistant? What the hell happened to you after high school?” you jab your finger into his chest with every question. He grabs your wrist to stop you and the action catches you off guard. He smirks, relieved to be able to have shut you up for at least a minute.

“Have a seat and I’ll explain everything,” he says coolly. “Want anything to drink?” He asks.

“Some water would be nice,” you say quietly. He pours you a glass from a water filter sitting near his desk.

“Okay… where to begin?” Mino leans back in his chair and loosens his tie. “It’s nice to see you after such a long time, Y/N,” he peers at you curiously.

“I can’t say the same,” you bite back.

Mino reaches into his desk drawers to pull out a few magazines and tosses them onto the table in front of you. They read “Minute Magazine’s 30 under 30”, “Borbes Rising Stars” and so on. One of them even has a glossy, front cover picture of Mino standing in front of a large building, dressed sharply and sporting a winning smile. You rifle through them; you get the picture. Mino is rich and famous now, apparently.

“After high school, I founded an internet start-up. I grew the business until it was too much for me and my small staff of fifteen to run by ourselves, so I sold it to the founder of WIN Enterprises. He liked my ideas for the future of the company and wanted to hire me. He wanted me to at least have a college education before I start working here, so he paid for me to study at Columbia University in the US. I finished my undergrad and MBA, came back to Korea and started working here as a low level employee. I had to work my way up the ranks so I could gain experience and last month, I was appointed as CEO. That’s the short and sweet version, I guess.”

Your mouth hangs open in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding me! You went to Columbia? You were literally the least motivated person I’d ever met back in high school. You always got zeroes! That’s why I fucking called you Min-zero all the time,” you shout.

“People change,” Mino shrugs. “I’m surprised you haven’t.”

“So why did you hire me? So that you could brag and show off how much more successful you’ve become than me? Well, congratulations, you got what you wanted. Now can I please leave?” you get up and angrily gather your things, prepared to leave. You weren’t going to lie, the fact that Mino had become so successful injured your pride, a lot.

Mino quickly rises to his feet. “No!” it comes out a lot louder than he anticipates. He clears his throat, trying to regain his composure. “No, that’s not why I hired you. I honestly do need a personal secretary and I know you need a job. I thought this might help us get over our old childhood feud. I saw your name in the list of applicants and thought that by having Mr. Kim interview you, you’d accept the job. You’re also more than qualified.”

You laugh sardonically. “Forget it. I don’t need this job if it means working for you.” You turn on your heels and march towards the door.

“Then- then- I’ll fire you before you resign!” Mino shouts, unsure of himself. You freeze in your tracks.

“Wait… is he even allowed to do that?” you think to yourself. This just became a matter of ego. You’ve never been fired from a job and you weren’t about to let it happen now. You turn and face him with a glare, weighing your options in your mind.

“I- I’ll pay you well,” he adds. “Plus a huge holiday bonus. And the company will cover insurance, too.”

You lift an eyebrow. Why was this guy trying so hard to keep you here? Then it suddenly occurs to you that this might be worth it; Mino would pay you better than any other company could, plus you could keep your prestigious title as executive assistant at WIN. You just had to tolerate his annoying ass for a little while, but you’d get used to it eventually, right?

“I’ll think about it. Give me a day and I’ll let you know what I decide,” you say.

“Really? Okay, perfect. Give me your cellphone,” he strides over to you and holds out his hand. Standing this close to him, you notice how tall he really is.

“For what?” you ask, backing up away from him.

“I’ll put my number in it so that you can call me.” He takes your phone out of your hand, puts in his number, and hands it back to you. “I’ll be looking forward to hearing from you,” he smiles.

That night you go home and think about everything that had transpired in Mino’s office. You had never expected to be put in such a situation. Given your turbulent history with Mino, you weren’t sure if working as his personal assistant was such a good idea. But a part of you was also curious to see how he lived now, years after high school, and if he was really cut out to be the CEO. Besides, you weren’t teenagers anymore. You both were mature adults who were capable of working in the same building without ripping each other’s heads off… right?

You scroll through the contacts on your phone trying to find Mino’s number, unsure of what he had saved it as. You roll your eyes when you see “Your boss CEO Song” at the end of your contacts list. You change it to “That Min0 Bastard”.

You: okay, I’ll work for you >.>

You definitely couldn’t back out now. Quitting was no longer an option for you. You send the message and head to sleep.

The next morning, you wake up to incessant pinging coming from your phone. You look over at the alarm clock groggily. Ugh, who the hell was messaging you at 5:30 in the morning? You unlock your phone to find several messages and missed calls from Mino.

That Min0 Bastard: Y/N where are you?? I need you to help prepare the reports for our meeting with a sponsor company this afternoon. That Min0 Bastard: You need to come into the office ASAP. That Min0 Bastard: Y/N pick up your phone!!!

You almost fall out of your bed. Was he serious? You didn’t know that you had to be at the office early this morning. This was supposed to be your first official day and you were already late! You haphazardly get dressed and skip breakfast to rush to work as fast as you can. You're vaguely aware that you look like a mess but you hope you can sort out your hair and makeup situation as soon as you got a bathroom break.

You race into the building and only stop running when you reach the door to Mino’s office. You try to collect yourself as much as you can before you enter his office.

“Ah Y/N, there you are,” Mino looks up from his laptop when he sees you entering. Beep! He presses a button on his watch. “Half an hour. Not bad, but you can do better,” he says, impressed.

“What are you talking about?” you ask, still panting from the exertion.

“Oh, I just wanted to see how long it would take you to get here from home if there really was an emergency. Don’t worry, there’s no meeting today. This is just to be prepared,” he says nonchalantly. Anger bubbles up to your throat.

“Are you kidding me?! I didn’t even get to eat breakfast!” you yell. Mino looks unfazed.

“Get yourself something from the cafeteria. I’ll give you ten minutes,” his attention has already returned back to his laptop. “Get me something too while you’re at it.”

You’re completely speechless. Just yesterday it seemed like you were going to have the upper hand in this game. Mino had seemed like he was negotiating with you, almost desperately, to keep you as his secretary. But that Mino was not the one in front of you now. The person sitting in front of you was someone you needed to be wary of. Rather than fighting with him and losing any precious time, you decide to save the battle for later. Right now, you just wanted to eat something and drink some coffee to wake yourself up. You storm down to the cafeteria.

You wait in line at the breakfast bar to get something quick to eat. There, you spot the guy that had run into you the day before.

“Oh, Y/N! Nice to see you. How is everything so far?” Seungyoon asks as cheerfully as he can, despite looking like he hasn’t slept in ages.

“Ugh, don’t even ask. Turns out, CEO Song is my new boss,” you grimace. You’re debating whether you should tell him that you knew Mino from before, but you decide that nobody really needed to know about your history. “You were right, he’s a total monster.”

“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that…” he sympathizes. “But I’m also not sorry,” he adds with a playful smile. You look at him quizzically. “I’m actually glad that we’re going to be working together from now on.” He beams at you. “Want me to buy you a coffee to celebrate?” he offers.

You feel the tension that had built up from the morning dissipate a little. You were grateful that you would have a friend going into this ridiculous situation, that someone was on your team.

“Are you finished with the translation, Y/N?” Mino asks, not looking up from the documents splayed across his rich, mahogany desk. You had been standing in front of his desk with the papers in your hand, waiting for him to acknowledge your presence for the last ten minutes.

“Yes, and here is the travel itinerary of Mr. Leblanc as well as the list of his food preferences. I will be there to personally receive him at the airport tomorrow.” That should shut him up for a little while, you think. Maybe now is a good opportunity to ask Mino if you could go home a little early today. It’s been two weeks since you started and you’ve spent every single evening in the office. It was getting quite suffocating being around him every single day and you were growing tired of biting your tongue each time he said something that would annoy you. You broach the topic carefully. “If that’ll be all, I’m going to get going. I have a few other commitments tonight,” you say before backing up to the door, ready to make your escape. Just before you can get one foot out the door, Mino speaks up.

“Hold on a sec,” Mino looks up at you. What on Earth could he have you do now? You’ve literally finished everything that needed to be done. He gets up from his desk and walks in front of it to face you, leaning back against the wooden surface. He folds his arms over his chest and cocks his head to one side. His eyes wander around your face, inspecting you. “You’ll do anything, right?” he asks after a long pause.

“W-What?”

His gaze seems to penetrate you.

“To keep this job. To not be fired… you’ll do anything, right?” His voice drops an octave making a shiver travel down your spine. He takes a step towards you. You start to panic at his sudden transformation. Mino’s words were overtly laced with a darker implication. What did this creep want from you? Surely he didn’t mean… that? Oh my god.

“What do you mean. What-what are you trying to say?” you squeak out. Mino was now less than an arms length away from your squirming self and seemed to get closer and closer. You never knew about this side of him until now. Was he always a playboy? Did he only hire you to get into your pants? Would this turn into angry revenge sex? You were mortified – not only because of the current position you were in – but also by the fact that you were seriously contemplating having angry revenge sex with your boss.

“I need you-” he whispers seductively. He moves closer and closer.

What should you do now? Scream? Run out of the office? You don’t trust either your voice or legs to save you now as they seemed incapable of following your brain’s instructions. Did you still have that bottle of pepper spray in your purse? Without taking your eyes off of Mino, you try to snake your hand into your purse to root around for it. He tilts his head down towards yours. His face is getting dangerously close and you still haven’t found the pepper spray. The spicy-sweet smell of his aftershave tickles your nostrils and makes your head swim. Then, his eyes flick down to your mouth. Mayday. MAYDAY. You eyes reflexively fluttered shut.

His lips moves past your face and whispers into your ear, making you flinch. “-To drop and give me fifty.”

“What-” you gasp as your eyes fly open. “What the fuck, Mino?!” you shout over his howling laughter. He’s doubled over and clutching his stomach, unable to stop snickering. You were getting serious dèja vu from your high school days. Embarrassed and thoroughly shaken up, you immediately ball your hands into fists and begin swinging at him. “You asshole!!!”

He holds his hands up, easily protecting himself from your punches, but you begin pounding your fists into his palms. Mino can’t stop laughing and his laughter is so contagious that, unbeknownst to you, your whines transform into hiccupping giggles while tears spring up into your eyes.

“That wasn’t funny, loser!” you laugh. It takes both of you a good five minutes to stop the fits of giggles, and when it dies down, it’s replaced by a heavy air of awkwardness. You realize that in order to maintain a standard of professionalism, secretaries ought not to be this comfortable around their bosses, nor call them “assholes”. You take a step back from him and smooth down your pantsuit. Mino’s expression is unreadable, and his face is tinged bright pink – probably from all the laughing that took the wind out of you both.

“W-well, if that will be all,” you start to say. Mino looks away from you and simply waves a hand in your direction, dismissing you.

#winner scenarios #mino scenarios #song mino scenarios #song minho #series

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iammarylastar · 6 years

Photo

2. Back to my feet.

I woke up the next morning, it seems I’ve been out around the clock. I’m alone in my room, sprawled in the middle of the mess I left, a solid headache knocking at my eyelids.

Mikomi, my rock, my lifeline left me. I deserved it. I hurt her. I frightened her.

The door unexpectedly opens on Sensei, Mikomi’s father and the leader of the village. His face is closed as fuck and he barks orders at me, which I don’t understand. He’s not Mikomi, her voice is always clear and soft, her Japanese simple and slowly uttered.

I do my best to quickly sit up, join my hands together and bow my head in respect. He looks clearly pissed off, I assume by my tantrum and I can’t have him mad at me or he would chop me in pieces with his katana.

Mikomi appears, padding in smoothly like she floats above the floor. She kneels down before me, her gaze at my feet, where she places a pile of clothes and a bowl of water. Before I can speak she disappears again, to be back instantly with what I assume be shaving items and a mirror.

I quickly grab her wrist and whisper her name but she keeps her eyes away from me.

“I owe you an apologize for what happened. I.. I don’t know, I’m still confused. I… Just lost my mind. I’m sorry.”

She gently pushes my hand back and says under her breath “I can’t talk to you now. Please clean up and shave. I’m sorry I can’t help you.”

The door slides shut, leaving me all by myself again.

I grab the mirror and study my reflection. Jesus I’m a waste, Sensei said something about a pig, yeah that’s me.

My hair has grown monstrous, no trace left of the clean military cut. Wild, disheveled curls twist on my scalp, traces of vomit coat my beard. I stink, like sweat and urine, I must have pissed myself while passing out.

The Japanese value cleanness as a mark of respect to the others and to yourself. I look more like a homeless, sick bear than a human, without Mikomi to care for me. I’m not Cup anymore. Gaijin fits better, I’m a stranger to my own self.

I take off the wasted hakama , those large black Japanese pants and start to clean myself up, taking stock of my body for the first time in months.

My leg looks great, light red and swollen at the foot -thanks to my little stunt I guess- , the scars are clean and neat, Mikomi has done an excellent work. As usual.

The skin of my chest look nice as well, I realize it doesn’t hurt anymore. I wash my body, face and hair, shave and cut them the best I can by myself, then clean the pants in the bowl. I gather the cut hair, clean up what’s left from my mess on the floor, tied the bamboo splinter back on my leg, tied up the new kimono and find a somewhat comfortable seated position and just wait.

I wait for what seems hours. Time for me to gather my thoughts and my strength, put myself together and stop being such a whiny bitch.

Holy shit, how lame of a soldier I’ve been, weak and crying like a baby, Angie would have laughed at me and kicked my ass.

“Stop braiding daisies, Softie. I’m waiting for you!”

Fuck you’re right honey. Let’s go, let’s do this. Let’s be a man again, let’s fight for what I lost. From now on, I promise I’ll fight to have you back, Angie, you and our baby. I’ve cleaned my mess. I’m ready.

As if he’s heard me loud and clear, Sensei enters the room, checks me out from head to toes, then nods, satisfied.

“Yoi. Keiko. Ashita.”

God help me. He just said I’m starting work out tomorrow. He’s gonna kick the shit out of me.

****

My new daily routine is hell. I’m woken up by a gong, calling Sensei and his disciples for an early meditation. I’m not attending, not yet but I’m sure my turn will come.

Fucking land of the rising sun, the day starts at 4 a.m. and I can’t go back to sleep. 5.30 a.m. sharp: Mikomi arrives, resplendent in her flowery kimono, places a solid breakfast on my lap and leaves without a word. I’m sure she’s still mad at me about my behaviour during that nightmare. Or Sensei forbade her from talking to me. Anyway, I miss her so badly. I eat alone, but nonetheless do my best to respect the rules of the art of entertaining.

Mikomi appears again the second I put my hashi down, and leaves again just as fast.

Then the Master stands before me, ready to break me in pieces. Mikomi’s cares were so sweet compared to this monster of poise.

His strong fingers destroy my leg as he massages, mobilizes, and stretches it. I miss the needles Mikomi used for acupuncture, they felt like honey and I want them back. Instead big iron hands bluntly and mercilessly press on those fucking points, eliciting hisses and grunts from me. At first. Each time I’m complaining, Sensei whips me with a wooden stick, hard as fuck.

“Kurusai!” is the only word he knows, which you can translate into “Quiet!” if you’re in a good mood, or more likely “shut the fuck up!” in my case.

I’ve quickly learnt to hold back my screams and squeeze my fists as tight as my lips. I undergo his torture in a perfect Japanese style.

He instructs me to bulk up my arms so I can use the crutches properly. I spend the rest of the morning to eat my daily dose of home made weight lifting, jars of water or sandbags, and a shitload of push ups, my bad leg resting on my other calf.

Around noon, about a second before I pass out, my sweetheart Mikomi brings me a bowl of water and a bowl of soup with noodles and vegetables, or rice and unknown mushrooms.

First I clean myself up, then eat properly. In no time I collapse for a solid nap, before Sensei whipes me for the next torture.

The afternoon is dedicated to training to be back on my feet. My back is wrapped in a brace, so tight I can barely breathe but at least it stops hurting.

Day one was hard, really hard but Mikomi was there and it gave me strength. Holding back my grunts, I grabbed the iron hand Sensei held me out and stood up on my feet. Up on my two feet. FUCK I was standing up on my feet again. Ignoring the huge smile taped on my face, Sensei handed me a pair of wooden crutches and just left.

But Mikomi stayed. She was my sole goal. Go, Yankee, walk up to that beautiful doll.

I clumsily stumble, like a newborn deer, but my feet moved me forward, my hands firmly clawing at the clutches. FUCK! After months in bed, I was finally dragging myself to the other side of the room. Ha!

Exhilarated, I kept walking towards my Japanese sweetheart, her smile gave me enough strength to stay balanced.

“You made it Gaijin!” She finally spoke, breaking days of silence.

I’m so happy I could cry, but the shadow of Sensei’s whip kept my tears at bay.

“Iwai!” She congratulated me. Yeah I deserved it.

I couldn’t help but bend down and kissed her cheek, hugging her small features with one arm.

“Arigato Mikomi!”

She shyly blushed and sneaked out of my embrace and padded away.

“Follow me.” She whispered.

I somehow followed her steps that lead me outside. I’ve been stuck in that room for months, that day was my first time outside. And it really was worth the efforts.

The view was just breathtaking. Jesus, beauty was everywhere. Cherry blossom trees, traditional Japanese houses, temples, pines, bonzaïs, carps swimming in little pools, paper lanterns, rice paddies hung on the hillside, the ocean in the distance. The scents, delicate like so many fragrances. The sun, kissing my skin. The air, pure and fresh, filling my lungs. Mikomi, shining in the daylight, so proud of me. This place looked like Heaven.

The end of the day is my favourite. Japan is a treasure, the temple of millennarial arts. Sensei introduces me to each of them. Penmanship and kanji. Martial arts and the art of war. Fengshui and shiatsu. Samuraïs and katanas. Everything meticulously and flawlessly executed, from the way you cook and eat food to the way you tied up your kimono. Japan manners means perfection. Hence the billion of rules that dominate the daily life. Hence Mikomi.

It didn’t last long since Sensei noticed my lack in Japanese. I can tell he was impressed by my progresses both physically and mentally. He was touched by my interest in his culture and as how I got involved in the life of the village.

He quickly asked Mikomi to serve as a translator for all the lessons he taught me. Which was a delight. Which still is.

My handwriting is shit and I’ve a hard time staying still on the zafu while meditating but beside that, I’m making huge progress.

I follow Mikomi like I’m her shadow, we’re getting close again. I mean, we chat, we laugh, she walks with me to the bathhouse where I can walk and train my leg easier, in the hot water from the waist down. I noticed the way she got lost, her eyes wandering across my bare chest, but since I had the nightmare, I’ve only eyes for Angie. At least the distant memory I have left of my angel. The truth is I’m not sure about my feelings for her, all I know is I need her by my side. To keep going. She’s my hope.

After a pretty short time using my crutches and thanks to all the work out and sweet torture Sensei forced me in, I’ve been able to walk on my own. As I’ve become more capable, I started to take part in the village’s life and participate to the shores. People were shy and suspicious as first, but by the time I was able to walk out from Sensei’s house, we all got to know each other. I was not a Gaijin anymore even if they’ve kept calling me so.

Children found in me their main attraction. My sunkissed skin was still the lightest they’ve ever seen and my blond curls and blue eyes were considered as the utmost curiosity. They’ve only known almond shaped black eyes and straight hair. I became their favorite fairy wheel, and quickly replaced the jars I lifted every day.with eager children. I did weight lifting with a child taped on each hand, then walked miles with one kid wrapped around each leg, another on my back. The whole thing have them laughing so hard, their parents politely smirked when I passed their homes, children packed as a donkey. Even Sensei smiled at me, calling me silly.

After just witnessing men practicing martial art, my turn comes and I now am a decent fighter. I help every day to harvest rice, fruits and vegetables, fix houses and fences, even cook with Mikomi, which have Sensei pulling his hair out, some things being strictly reserved to women. I practice meditation at sunrise, go the the temple and pray, mostly for having Angie back. I enjoy the show of women dancing with ushiwa, the Japanese fan, sipping black tea with Sensei, while he keeps teaching me about life.

The only task I suck at is milking cows. Definitely not my cup of tea.

Days passed, this peaceful and quiet daily life fits me. Heals me. I nonetheless have noticed Mikomi’s mood slightly changing, her eyes sometimes red from crying at night, and all I got when asking her the reason was deep silence.

I talk to her friends but no one can help me understand. I should have suspected what has happened, I should have known she is in love with me. I suddenly realize I’ve known about that, from the very beginning. I’ve been fucking selfish, too focused on recovering, dreaming of Angie, praying to have her back. Getting back to her.

My dickhead self has just used her, ignoring my own feelings, ignoring hers, killing her hope to keep mine alive.

Hope. Mikomi in Japanese. Fuck. How could I have been so blind?

I have been blind but Sensei hasn’t. The wise man knew. The Master just knows.

One day, not different from the previous one, he just walked to me and stated.

“ Time for you to leave. Mikomi has to marry someone from her clan and you have to go back to your wife. You’re a good man Gaijin but you can’t stay.”

I nod my head. He’s right. It’s time.

Two days later, I’m ready. I packed all my stuff in a traditional bundle, along with enough food to survive during my first trip.

I said goodbye to the whole village, everyone had a little gift for me, mostly food and handwritten prayers for my safety. As an educated gentleman, I received each present within both my hands, bend down slightly in respect and whispered thank you in the best Japanese I could.

Chan and Zhou are in charge with walking me to the nearest pier down the hill, they’re just waiting for me to be ready to leave, impassible.

“Sensei, there’s no words strong enough to express my gratitude. You saved my life, you healed me, you kicked the shit out of me so I can stand up again, as a proud man.”

I glance at Mikomi who just blushes slightly. She offered to translate my words to her father but I’m giving her a hard time. Swearing before a sensei could have you struck down, and giving importance to someone extremely inappropriate. But I know she’ll manage it. She always has.

“I owe you Sensei.” Before I bend down as low as I can to show him my deepest respect, I notice a glimpse of emotion in his eyes, which is like a declaration of love here.

I stay bowed, waiting for his benediction, waiting for my own emotions to pass.

Sensei starts the traditional prayer to the ancestors, asking them to keep the voyageur safe and as I’m overcome by his wisdom and benevolence, I feel his hand on the top of my head. Which is not supposed to happen.

My throat tightens and I force myself to slowly breathe out, stopping the tears that threaten to appear.

It’s a great honour to have Sensei praying for you, and you have to behave as well, as a brave man. Any gesture of affection can be shown, but with one of your kids, it could be mistaken for weakness.

Weak, that’s exactly how my knees feel while he pronounces the last words. Instead of calling me Gaijin, stranger, he said musuko-san , son.

Oh God, how blessed I am.

My eyes meet his, my heart speaks through them: Domo arigato gozaimasu, gratitude Sensei.

Mikomi has left her father’s side, where has she gone? As hard as it’s going to be, I can’t leave without telling her goodbye.

I spot her slim features, beside the crowd. Another weird strict rule here: do not show your emotions, especially your tears. She’s alone with her tears and her sorrow.

Silent steps lead me to her, in the shadow of a cherry blossom tree.

I stroke her neck and feel her shiver but she doesn’t budge, her back to me, shaken by unsteady sobs.

“Mikomi… I have to go…” my voice trembles as my throat tightens. There’s so much things I want, I need to tell her, but Im running out of time. And of words.

“Ikanaide kudasai” she whines, likes she’s drowning.

I sigh heavily. I knew it’s going to be hard, but it’s looking impossible.

“Look at me.” I gently turn her so she faces me, but she keeps her gaze on the ground.

“Haanii…” I lift up her chin and search for her eyes. “Sweetheart. You know I can’t stay.”

She closes her eyes, tears lazily trailing slowly down her cheeks.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asks, hardly hiding her cries.

“ No please, Mikomi, don’t think that way. You mean so much to me, I couldn’t have made it without you. You know how much I care. I love you Mikomi, but not that way…” It breaks my heart to break hers.

The truth is I love her, with all my heart. She saved me, in all the ways a man can be saved. I love her more than a friend, more than a sister but there’s only one woman I want, one who stole my heart and my soul.

“I know. Not like her…” She averts her eyes from me, biting her lips to keep them from trembling so hard.

“I’m so sorry.” Oh God I’m so sorry.

“Don’t be. I’m blessed to have met you.” She buries her sweet face into my chest and lets it go, desperately clawing against me. I wrap my arms around her and hug her as tightly as I can. She’s been my rock, my hope, my mother, my Sun for the last 9 months. How could I live without her by my side?

Slowly, she pulls back and lifts her soaked eyes to meet mine. I’m sure she can read the deepest sadness in them. “I’ll miss you Cup.” She whispers.

Cupping her face in my palms, I thumb the tears that keep flowing down her cheeks. Before I break down and burst into tears myself, I bend down and gently kiss her lips. A long, fierce, heartfelt farewell kiss. That’s the least I could do for her.

“I’ll never forget you.” I swear I never will.

Melting into my palm, Mikomi runs her fingers along my wrist and trails few kisses on my skin. Fresh kanji, the Japanese ideograms sit there, inked in my flesh forever. Marks of the new life that has started here. Pleas for the life that’s waiting for me across the Pond. 見込み. Mikomi. Hope. Hope, I’ll need you.

It’s so hard to let her go, but I really have to leave or I will faint.

A last glance at Sensei, a nod to Chan and Zhou, a last squeeze on her hand and I turn around and just walk away.

Angie. Angie is waiting for me somewhere. I hope so.

Next step: America.

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