#i know im dying living with my parents

[poorlittlevampire]

also i talked with my grandma abt college and she was so encouraging and excited about it so idc anymore its something i want to pursue ill put everything in my name regarding loans ill take on all the debt idc but its something i want to do ill just figure it out

#its so frustrating like #i know im dying living with my parents #but when i try to branch out and grow and leave my mom always reminds me that its not realistic #and then i leave for a few days and its like a completely different world #im just tired #its why even with meds even with therapy it is so fuckinf HARD to heal #bc no one is like. nice to me about it #that sounds so fucking shallow but its true #like my grandma was the one to really push me to even get help for my mental shit #my mom didnt believe in therapy till like two years ago lmfao #EYE DEE KAY!!! #she still doesnt really believe the depression shit either #she like barely understands the anxiety and its the only thing shes willing to talk abt #i know she has her own trauma from growing up + there is a history of mental illness in my family that goes completely unaddressed #and i try to respect that and understand where she comes from but its hard when it manifests as not wanting ME to be better

[moeblob]

Deacon willing to help people but doesn't recognize people so he doesn't remember what he did for who. So he just agrees and is like cool don't mention it then they mention it and he's like uhhhhhh.

However, that's other humans. He can identify the deities much easier because they have a unique glow. Like can actively tell Ymber "oh Lady Fulj just entered the city" and Ymber is like how the heck did you sense her that far away when I can't sense her that far away. It actually takes a while for Ymber to realize Deacon really doesn't know any of his coworkers and who he's talking to.

#my characters #based on me just not knowing which of my coworkers i helped with what or who asked me for what #so theyd bring something up and im like uh huh #deacon is a good bean who likes to be helpful to people around him #because hes lived a good life thanks to people around him such as #he had loving parents but after his mom died the neighbors helped him and his dad #then when his dad passed away and his neighbors would invite him over to make sure he wasnt lonely #and he appreciates those people but he doesnt recognize most of his coworkers #he can identify the neighbors based on oh the guy nearby has a hunched back and i help him with carrying stuff #so he notices those traits from people hes been near for a long time but then is baffled over coworkers #if someone changes a hair style that is a brand new person #based on holy crap my coworkers used to change their hair all the time i never knew who was who #dyed hair or getting a trim and dye or simply wearing it up one day but not the next #i have no idea who i worked with and it was v awkward for me but people were always nice #how has it been a week of pain im gonna go offline and suffer breathing pains

[soldier-poet-king]

I want to live in a house with people who love me. There is sunlight coming in the windows. Something smells wonderful in the kitchen. Laughter and music drift in from another room. Maybe there are some vegetables growing outside, or a really fat cat. It isn't perfect, it's maybe cramped, maybe messy, but it's enough.

#franposting #literally. that trigun piece got me #can u tell living in hell (parents) has been weighing on me even more lately #i mean. i would also tske living alone over this #i get lonely easily but also im a weird introvert creachure #love parallel play and cohabitation #but also need a lot of downtime #anyway. anyway. anyway. #i can dream. even if i know its not real #gotta keep myself sane somehow #because. because im slowly dying and every good thing is being choked out of me #i need to live on my own terms again. i was never so happy or hopeful or free aa that #now is just. survival. but i want to thrive and live

[oatbugs]

. anyway after writing the tags 4 this post i told my research partner i will no longer follow his dreams lmao. still helping w it but i need to engage in research that i find satisfying

#i think ive been waiting for something for a while and i will spend the next year waiting for it too #i thought i felt panic but i have decided to read it as anticipation. the thrill of rejection or of moving forward or the latter as #a result of the former. i left you with your backpack unattended in the cafe because on fridays i am done #putting my life on hold for another whim-without-a-warning #this cross country service is delayed by 26 minutes so i will grab a bucket and start shovelling the water away from the tracks #everyone is moving on in some different way and im sorry if you think im mean for telling you getting so drunk will disable you from #recording your brainwaves effectively but it seems like you think i owe you an awful lot. one year ago in four days my friend got me hegel's #science of logic for my birthday and i thanked him for proving to me the existence of things this is what i do he said #and then he will spend the rest of his life breathing philosophy and i dont want to spend the rest of my life #breathing someone elses dreams i wait for the moment of realisation. this is now a 30 minute delay. i was supposed to worship beautiful #things and that is what i will do. i think i have a best friend and i know i have a lover and i know to #restrict my love the way you have. im sorry. i hope you understand when i tell you. i am now sitting on the floor in the luggage section of #this incredibly busy train and i saw a photo of her with her boyfriend and her hair in braids smiling like a fool this is the #except a week ago you told me you almost took too much this time to live. you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and you know you #have already changed the world and it somehow was not enough. now you are smiling without any makeup on next to him #and yesterday you cried in an airport in the states when you were too full of love. this is the most extraordinary human being i have met. #tomorrow he heads off to princeton while his best friend heads to harvard. he goes there to make the world a better place. he is the most #extraordinary person i have ever met. the issue with human beings is that we are incredibly good at almost dying and keeping going. #you try to kill yourself and publish a paper and give a talk. you negotiate the seperation between your own parents and submit another #phd application. i am surrounded by extraordinary people with extraordinary minds and incredibly broken happy hearts. #i only see you smile when you talk about robotics. i still dont know how manifolds work and i love the concept anyway. i dont know. #i do know that i refuse to live unsatisfied. #you can keep drinking. im going to drink this reality up #i think i was a horrible person and i refuse to engage with that mentality again no matter what it takes.

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just found out my two siblings are in my mom's will, but not me. Also my grandpa has told the entire family about his engagement. Except for me. Also my dad told my siblings that he and my mom bought a plot of land. Can you guess who they haven't told?

#these tags are about to be a massive trauma dump tbh so avoid if you want #when i was fifteen i came out as trans. and my mom was terrible about it. and my dad was up for a promotion so we were considering moving #and i found a list of my moms pros and cons for moving. on the pros was 'people there dont know about (deadname)' #so that was ideal for a suicidal fifteen year old to find. and tonight i just learned that im not in her will #both of my siblings are. but im not. and its just always been like this #im treated like im not part of the family anymore. and it's been that way since i was fifteen #i heard from my brother that my grandpa is engaged. and he told both my siblings about it directly. he never told me #i reach out to my parents. i never hear back. my aprents text my sibling to check on me (sib and i live together) #everything is kind of shit rn. one of my rats is dying. my family doesnt love me. im broke. my best friend and i arent really talking #because he fucked my ex gf and now things arent really the same anymore. strangely enough. he doesnt reach out anymore #so i have no one to talk to about any of this shit #last night i was crying about my rat and i guess my roommate heard it cuz this morning they said #'are you okay? if you ever need someone to talk to who will never bring it up again you can talk to me' #and thats the most loving thing ive heard from someone in months. from a woman ive known since august #im. just. at a loss. since i found out tonight. that im not in my mom's will #its not about money. or assets. its about the fact that im her fucking child and both of her other children are in it but im not #after she dies shes willing to help them out but i can get fucked ig #i wonder if im gonna be invited to my grandpas wedding. i wonder if any of them would want me at their funeral #i wonder if any of them would come to mine

[milo-is-rambling]

Me when I’m not anxious at all about anything especially not traveling or not being home or being around strangers or going to a new airport or not being in control of the schedule or not having immediate access to my safe foods or not seeing funk and I’m definitely not anxious about being in new places and meeting new people and animals and having to be a person while trying to balance my emotions out enough that I don’t bring every conversation down while simultaneously only thinking about saying the wrong thing and bringing the conversation down

#and I’m definitely not afraid at all about how I haven’t told Millie about my current shitty mental health or the plans for an intensive #program and I feel like I might not say anything and I’ll feel bad later but like gahhh I just don’t want to be a bummer for once in my #fucking life I want to shove down all the sad depressing nothingness in me and try to be bubbly happy excited the whole time #who knows how it’s gonna go AND THAT THOUGHT DOESNT MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP #IM EXCITED FOR THIS AND I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING YO SEE MY DADS PARENTS EVEN THOUGH MY GRANDFATHER IS DYING AND IT DOESNT MAKE ME #FEEL SICK OR HAVE A HARD TIME BREATHING OR TYPING THIS IS ALL FINE I LIVE TRAVELING I LOVE FEELING LIKE IM NOT IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING AHAHAHA #AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHH THIS IS FINNNEEEEEE IM FINEEEEE THIS IS GREAT IM NOT GONNA FREAK OUT TO THE POINT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP AT ALL #AND IM DEFINITELY NOT GONNA END UP AWAKE FOR TWO FULL DAYS 🫠 #screaming crying throwing up and you can’t smoke weed on a plane. fuck my life bro. #bring back smoking on planes PLEASE #stoner plane even the pilots high fuck it we all wanna smoke and and watch the world be tiny below us right that’s what google maps is for #I feel like I’m doing this life thing wrong.

[probayern]

.

#sometimes i feel very aware of how fucking crazy being an immigrant is #im back in the us and . wow my life is so silly and frivolous! #i am insanely lucky but also... it feels almost gross how much more i have available to me #than my grandparents do/parents did #i don't know how my parents do it #their lives have changed so much over the past 30 years #anyway part of this is definitely just that i spent all week taking care of my dying grandmother #in the face of that... everything feels silly #im sure ill get reused to my own life in a couple days #but. god #bella things #this will be deleted soon but needed to scream

[felidthing]

oughhgh.. logically it makes sense that all my brown tabby sona art started this year but it is wild to look at my january art and see the first drawings i did of it and my brief dogboy era. the timeline....

#posts #its like. factually i know when all of this happened. but its different seeing it all at once #overall 2023 has been good to me. it has had a lot going on and a lot of challenges #as well as some genuinely bad things happening #but Overall. its been good #i got housed! im never living with my parents again! i got to shop for myself and for the first few months of the year i had practically #unlimited money for food because of how i spent my ebt #i got top surgery this year and recovered easily from it!! and i got into college!!!!!! #living in a house with strangers was stressful and weird. running out of ebt and finding out i'd lost it sucked. my cat dying was awful. #applying for financial aid and the college itself was stressful and i did it right up against the deadline #but everythings worked out more or less #i would REALLY like to get back into my usual swing of drawing though . #muffin dying and my ebt getting cancelled and all the stress with applications just completely squashed my motivation for art #and i am STILL battling that #im hoping once i get used to the new quarter i can fit more art into my routine. and i would really like to do more commissions

[southislandwren]

ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH the freshman wants to TRADE CARS for the weekend.... how do i politely say i would literally kill myself and everyone in a 10 mile radius if i had to let someone other than my mom, dad, and brother drive my car

#girl you are NOT getting access to my 98k mile 2017 grey subaru outback with smart cruise and lane detection and heated seats #and my stickers on the hatchback and the bluetooth audio and automaticly-changing night mode rearview mirror #and the comfy driver's seat in EXACTLY the position i want it in and the shifter knob that perfectly fits in my hand #like when my aunt drove my car last summer it basically solidified that i will never let anyone touch my car ever again #(she put a fucking TACO on TOP OF THE DASHBOARD and moved my fucking steering wheel!!!!!!!!) #my car was literally the only place i felt safe all of 2021 and 2022 im not letting some random fucking person TAKE her from me #i did not have a PANIC ATTACK leaving her at the mechanic for 2 DAYS for some fucking freshman to USE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! #like i know i can be territorial but boy my car is all the territory i ever need. i could live out of my car if needed. #what if she fucking crashes it. shes been in soooo many accidents (i have heard all about them.) #dude if this were in person i wouldve fucking hissed and ran away i dont let people touch my fucking car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I drove 4 hours back to school at 11pm so that i wouldnt have to have my friend drive my fucking car!!!! #like genuinely i need to find a way to say no i cannot and will not let you use my car now or ever. #i dont care what her reasons are. her boyfriend could be fucking dying and i still wouldnt. #she wants to take my car to minnesota for a WEEKEND and i would not be there ???? NOOOOOO #sorry oh my god i just have to scream and cry a little so i can try to be normal in my response #gonna ask the parents for help i think bc they know im neurotic about my car #like very genuinely im very upset right now. i reread the text and her car is having issues so she wants to TRADE CARS #without even asking if im doing anything that would need a car this weekend (ummmm i fucking work on saturday and sunday is grocery day) #like sorry thats too big of a favor especially after the fucking snail debacle.... how do i know she wont CRASH MY FUCKING CAR ? #or even just like mess with the settings. like im fucking anxious at the IDEA of her being in MY drivers seat DRIVING MY CAR !!!!! #also it smells like cow shit real bad in there. does she REALLY want to drive to fucking minnesota in a cow shit car? #i need to chill i have work soon but like holy shit this has me acting up #i guess since i dont have any real stressors any more my body is like we need LEVEL 10 EMERGENCY STRESS RIGHT NOW #if this were the school year i'd have 3 benadryl inside me right now #like genuinely if this had been in person i probably wouldve been nasty like that is MY car i did not spend thousands of dollars on her #to let someone NOT on the insurance policy drive her!!!! #god okay back to totk until my parents text me back #diary post

[mayonakano-archive]

i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.

#delete later #vent in tags #anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s #given that i. almost never cry :) #i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming #at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.) #im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real #desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man #sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it. #college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact #that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed #i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents #whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but... #stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work... #so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away #because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing? #no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class #entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless #i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more #than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it. #ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...

[myfirstandlast]

im scared bc now that i’m essentially getting this public school job i know my body and mind have begun to settle into its fugue state where i have no thoughts and make no progress and waste literally all the time in the world because i just can’t imagine any other options it’s how i wasted four years with my major it’s how i ended up joining gr**k life it just feels like this is it and i trap myself

#let’s say i miraculously get a car and to move out post-september getting my license #it definitely won’t be until christmas at the earliest because i have to finish out the year #but as soon as the year is over my parents are back on my head about applying for master’s programs which i still don’t want to do #i don’t have a break to be free #and i’m certainly not gonna to be inspired to find my dream artistic lesbian job in middle of nowhere GA at an elementary school of all plac #like everyone too old or too young to understand me. no real work friends no real ACTUAL friends im just going to be going to work and going #home. oh lol i started crying typing. im really over talking into the void i need someone to hear me and help me #but even if up to that point EVERYTHING somehow falls into place. now i’m entirely alone with more bills no resources no one to call and no #idea what i want in any capacity. like i feel like a caged animal i feel insane #im falling into my coma of uselessness and i already lost the entirety of my adolescent young adult years i don’t want to lose my 20s too #not to be like 30 is ancient your life is over then obv not but i don’t care about what i do in my life at 30 and beyond #i want my life to be happy NOW i WANT the best of my life to be in my 20s where i can get away with the most stupid fun because i’m just #young and gay and i still have an excuse for not knowing what my life is yet. i cant breathe not knowing what i want to do but at least its #an excuse. i feel like dying i feel like my insides are rotting to black ash we’re social creatures and im suffering #i sound so stupid. i know i really know. but the people i see living the life i want carefree making money as it comes #have parents who lovingly text them who care but stay out of the way who are supportive but aren’t up your ass and down your neck #they’re just people that would raise kind smart independent individuals and im none of the above so i don’t have a good shot as it is #but i still want to be free. i want to die but i want to be free just a little before then #i hate my life. i hate waking up in my bed every day and seeing my bedroom and being in my house. i want it to be over

[hecksupremechips]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me #but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk #just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more #fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’ #and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟 #then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person #to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever #i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better #but also way worse at the same time #i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely #but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped #cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out #i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want #its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake #cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it #ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else #im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there #then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that #crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening #and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil #the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me #its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything #aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol

[philosophicallie]

i don't know how else to keep living in this country

#idk i just keep spiraling about worstcase scenarios and how i genuinely would probably just react to them by just. harm #idk im a deeply angry person and i know that nothing about any of these situations have no fault i just am like.at the point of hopelessness #like i dont. see this country getting any better so i may as well just. leave permanently and just die #which is horrible because i just #i thought i was getting better but now i would rather just get worse because it is easier to entirely stop being a burden by dying #like thats. all i know to do at this point because im so fucking tired of living #and i just. have been constantly aware of my own monetary intake since i was a child that like. yeah it feels like every breath is a cent to #the fucking parentals. i am paying them to continue to breathe and live and just take up space in their home that i may as well just #die so i stop taking up that space and they dont need to worry about my fucking money #idk unfortunately i cannot see them as family because nothing has happened to make me feel. like i know them in any capacity. sure i call #dad by dad but its not like hes ever been a father to me because we dont ever speak to each other. hes just been. the landlord and i dont. #know how to not see him as just a house cop ngl #whatever. i miss my first dog with my bf. Ranger was my best friend bc i stayed home with him a lot and i miss his comfort when i would cry #vent

[vanillamatchadove]

hey can you shut the fuck up for once you're so fucking annoying i hate you just shut the hell up no one cares about your thoughts on things just shut the fuck up. i hate you.

#hahahaha i hate this. #:/ #im sick of this. #i hate this. #i dont know why im feeling this this time but wow it's messing me up lmao #this is to me btw #im talking to myself #really need to stfu sometimes yk? #probably not a good idea to just spill my shitty thoughts to the fucking internet where lots of people might see it #but. honestly this is so much better than telling my parents so whatever #if this will affect me in the future then it's better then me dying #at least i got to live or something

[depresseddepot]

rewatching my mister. park dong hoon investigating his wife's affair and becoming more and more panicked and confused is so hard to watch

#the ending of the show especially when he's just like. sobbing in his living room #like most crying in tv shows is a little forced imo but this show in particular does a VERY good job of it #lee ji an crying in the cleaner's office when she gets caught >>>>>> #anyways park dong hoon crying in his living room makes me feel like im dead and/or dying #what a fantastic actor #i used to know him solely from coffee prince but now i can't see him as anything other than park dong hoon lol #i also want to rewatch parasite soon and seeing lee sun kyun as the dad of the wealthy family will be fucking WILD #anyways. watch my mister on netflix or dramacool today #im liveblogging btw #god the music #also im always so confused by this concept that women supposedly don't like to be earning more than men/vice versa #i want to be the breadwinner. it will never happen (<- chose to work at a nonprofit as a career) but i cannot and WILL not rely on a man #really for anything but specifically for finances #like. are yall really okay with that? what kind of safety nets do you have where you can be a housewife and not worry every day #that your husband will cheat on you or abuse you or kick you out? #clearly i have some severe issues lol but i hope yall really do have such steel woven safety nets like that #parents wholl let you move in at a moments notice/lend you money/help with your kids

[solittles]

.

#sometomes it hurts a lot that im not in the right place to convert #i want to. like _want_ so bad #but im so fucking scared because im so fucking mentally ill and a part of that mental illness is about rejection #im so scared of being rejected.. fuck! #and i have no one to talk to about this #no one understands how much this hurts me #im tired constantly - i go to school and then i come home and maybe watch a lets play. that's all i can do energy wise #i don't yet have the energy to study and begin my conversion! #because that requires me talking to other people #and socialisation is so painful to me. like legit so fucking painful i feel like im dying because im so scared of being rejected #im so scared of others judging me #i want to be in a jewish space where trans and queerness is accepted #where i'm seen for my mental illness #but then there's the thing 1) i live on the swedish country side. idk if i have any practicing jews who also are lgbtq friendly here #2) my dad is a protestant priest with religious trauma. and he wants me to be a protestant so bad. and ive already disappointed him #so i don't dare to tell my parents about the want to convert #im in a religious closet and i have no one to talk to #i dont know what to do. #i feel so wrong for having thought about this for years and really wanting to! but i can't! i haven't been able to #im so SCARED of everything #i just want to have a safe space where i can approach g-d in peace . i want to feel at peace