#sometimes i feel very aware of how fucking crazy being an immigrant is

[probayern]

.

#sometimes i feel very aware of how fucking crazy being an immigrant is #im back in the us and . wow my life is so silly and frivolous! #i am insanely lucky but also... it feels almost gross how much more i have available to me #than my grandparents do/parents did #i don't know how my parents do it #their lives have changed so much over the past 30 years #anyway part of this is definitely just that i spent all week taking care of my dying grandmother #in the face of that... everything feels silly #im sure ill get reused to my own life in a couple days #but. god #bella things #this will be deleted soon but needed to scream

[emilemily]

“Don’t abandon me”

I’ve never in my life felt such a strong fear of being left behind by people I love. Where I once viewed unconditional love and friendship as reality, I now view all friendships but one or two as a ticking time bomb.

Part of friendship is watching each other grow up, go through phases, deal with the unsavory phases together, practice patience, communication, sometimes loving from afar. I’m the sort of friend you have for life if you also do your part to make that happen.

But so few people do their part, and sometimes during those unsavory phases I don’t do my part. That’s where the patience and loving from afar comes in. Sometimes we don’t like our friends, but we still love them. We give them space to be who they’re choosing to be at that moment.

That’s what unconditional love and friendship should be. That being said, I often wonder how much the furthering of smartphone technology has rendered lifelong friendship a thing of the past. There are countless apps to meet new people, ways to communicate, 1000 people on the internet misusing the terms “gaslighting” and “narcissism”

Sometimes people are shitty and sometimes they’re not who you want them to be. However, at our core we are who we are and that is what’s real. I’ve gone through my fair share of phases.

Nerdy stay-at-home gamer girl, awkward and super skinny 20 year old, young tan and hot south Florida girl, fine dining blazer wearing class hostess employee girl, drinking every night and bingeing on cocaine girl walking out of the strip club at 5 am, corporate office employee in pencil skirts girl, casual office attire jean loving girl, newfound sobriety and coping with it by being more judgmental about who I talk to girl, relaxing and being secure in my sobriety while letting others live their lives girl, and now I’m at existential crisis after losing everything I’ve worked so hard for GIRL.

I’m a work in progress, I’ve always been a work in progress, and I’ll always be a work in progress. My friends are just the same, though many things came easier to them than they did to me via parental support or becoming resourceful and driven at a younger age.

I suffered from failure to launch for many years, drifting through life and trying to find my way. I find myself back in that boat again for the first time in years. Im starting over again. Do you know how many fucking times I’ve started over? There is no shame in that. It’s just life.

Before I left my last job, one of the executive managers pulled me into her office to talk. She was Russian and an immigrant. Started in restaurant work and eventually found a job in the call center of my old company. Her and the CEO clicked very well and before long she was his right hand man, making six figures.

That day she pulled me into the office and asked what I’m going to do, to which I replied I wasn’t sure but would figure it out. She said “you know you’re going to have to start all over right?” I said I was aware, and that I’ve started over many times in my life.

She looked at me and told me that at some point, I have to stop starting over. I was immediately filled with this fire in my stomach and chest. I wanted to tell her off right then and there, and ask her if she has forgotten where she came from, how many times it took starting over before she landed where she is.

Instead I calmly said “I don’t agree with you. I think starting over is very bold. Eventually I will start over again and I will find where I’m meant to be.” And she looked at me like I was crazy. She then proceeded to suggest that I look into trailers, because they’re way cheaper than apartments or houses. I laughed a little, given I live in South Florida where Hurricanes hit almost yearly.

When I walked out of her office I didn’t feel sad or lesser than. I felt sorry for her. She struggled so hard and started over many times before she found her success. The difficulties we face when things get tough are what build our character. The way we respond during those times is a direct reflection of ourselves and our own growth. She must have gone through so much and instead of allowing that to change her for the better, she forgot where she came from as soon as she got the good job and married a surgeon.

She failed to receive the lessons. She left behind the wisdom, knowledge, compassion, and reality that was bestowed upon her as she struggled and continued to never give up.

Now she is a corporate robot, driving the Tesla and carrying the $2000 purse with her Starbucks every morning. She pays her mother a salary to be a live in nanny to her daughter whom she gave birth to thanks to IVF, something many can’t afford.

She has completely forgotten who she was in those periods of life. Resourceful, grounded, driven, compassionate, full of life. It’s almost as if getting the success she wanted so badly took her soul out of her body.

No matter what degree of success I achieve in life, I will never forget who I’ve been. I won’t forget the hours I spent crying alone in my bed within the room I paid $800/month for with pennies left in my bank account afterwards. I won’t forget the hopeless, beautiful girl drinking from the liquor bottle on her bedroom floor in the dark because she couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. I won’t forget the girl who acted as a rock to her mother while my father died, delaying and intensifying the ways in which my own grief later derailed my life.

There have been so many seasons in my life, and I have learned from them all. The lesson is far from over. I will start over as many times as it takes to get it right and when I do, you’d best believe I wont be sitting there with a $10k+ ring in my finger trying to coach someone in their 20s about how to survive in a setting that is not working financially. Suggesting trailers and looking for scrap metal to turn in. I will never be that out of touch.

And I just hope the remaining close friends I have are along for that ride. I wont die without them, but I hope they’ll be there.

Have a good Friday.

#personal #journal

[bazzybelle]

Happy Bisexual Day of Visibility!

In honour of this day, I want to share my story of coming to terms with my Bisexual Identity and learning to be proud of all aspects of it.

It took me a really long time to come to grips with the fact that I am bisexual. I grew up in a VERY traditional immigrant household. There were very rigid expectations placed on me from a very young age about what it meant to be a woman (we won't even get to how THAT fucked me up... that's a whole other box to unpack).

To be anything other than heterosexual, and a perfectly compliant wife was to go against the grain... And you couldn't have that...

I thought boys were cute. I liked boys. And I also liked girls. Back then, as a kid, I always just assumed it was like "oh... I wish I could be her... she's so pretty..."

I would see women on TV and think "They are just... so pretty. Their hair, their smiles, their eyes..."

Again... fully convinced that this was me wishing I could be like them.

I didn't have a term for any of these feelings... it just wasn't talked about. Why talk about being anything other than straight, when you didn't NEED to be anything other than straight?

So I carried on through high school, just having crushes on boys, gazing at girls, and fully convincing myself I was straight.

Then... then college happened.

I met a girl.

We became really good friends. I considered her to be one of my best friends at the time. She was tough and strong and so fucking funny. I wanted to spend every single day with her.

And whenever she would hug me, I would get a little flutter in my heart... in my stomach... in my toes.

We would cuddle... a lot... She would hold me and nuzzle me and kiss the side of my head and it just felt so... peaceful.

But no... I was straight! I still liked boys! This was just a really close friendship.

I still had crushes on boys, I still blushed when talking to boys, I still LIKED boys.

Didn't occur to me that I could like both.

At this time, I was aware of gay people, but bisexuality was still like a giant... "QUOI?" to me.

Eventually, the friend and I stopped talking. It happens, and it was painful, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I went off to University, and got really into Women's issues and LGBTQ groups. I met a ton of friends who educated me, guided me, taught me that... yes... you can like both, and there's a term for that...

Ok cool... that's the end right?

Not exactly... It took several years for me to becomes comfortable with that term to apply it to myself.

(THANK YOU INTERNALIZED BI-PHOBIA)

It didn't help that amongst the friends I came out to, AND some members of these groups I loved... Being Bi wasn't enough.

I had to choose.

Was I gay? Or was I straight?

Choose!

Bisexuality is problematic.

Bisexuality is a phase.

CHOOSE!

Bazzy, you like too many boys to be really Bi.

Bazzy, being Bi will ruin your life.

CHOOSE! CHOOSE! CHOOSE!

And then to see representations of bisexuality in media being blatantly erased and unacknowledged... yeah... maybe I had to choose.

I chose to stay quiet. To keep my bisexuality locked up tight.

I chose to ignore that aspect of my identity.

Fast forward a couple years later...

I fell in love with my husband

He is the most wonderful person in my world. He matches me mentally, intellectually, emotionally... And I am CRAZY about him. I have never felt more comfortable with another person and he thrills me in every possible way.

And it took me SO LONG to open up to him about my identity. It took me trusting that he loved me and that he would accept me, to come out to him.

It was a time, finally coming out. Like me, he grew up in an immigrant household, so we had several discussions about what that meant.

In the end, I was right.

He loves me.

He accepts me.

And that's really all that matters.

...

I still think girls are beautiful...

And I still think non-binary and gender fluid people are gorgeous...

The same way I think guys are beautiful... and gorgeous.

My husband is the number one person in my life...

And I am still Bisexual.

#bisexual #bisexuality #bisexual day of visibility #personal

[pavcrti]

chicago’s very own pavarti kumari has been spotted on madison avenue driving a rose gold model x , welcome ! your resemblance to mishti rahman is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty fifth  birthday bash .  your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re fiery , but being eloquent might help you . i think being a pieces explains that .  3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be fresh fields of lavender that expand into a cotton candy sky , the reflection of the sun caught in the glimmer of a crystal , rhyming couplets professing deep - seeded emotion . ( i ghost write songs for artists who like to claim they write their own work . ) & ( cis female + she / her  ) +  ( emily , 25 , sher / her , pst )

holy shit , it’s ya girl . i’m back after needing a bit of a break from being in a group . and bc i honestly adored this place sm and i made so many great friends here i am back . . . 👀 i expect plots with each and every one of u btw so u best deliver . i desperately wanna get this finished before i pass the fuck out . i’ll be joining the server in the morning , but in the meantime if u wanna be my friend  👀 👀 titsiana praises satan#7989

    biography .

name : pavarti kumari 

age : twenty five

gender : cisfemale

zodiac : pieces 

sexuality : bisexual 

profession : singer / songwriter 

hair color : black

eye color : brown

piercings : both lobes , nose 

tattoos : none

voice claim : jhene aiko

released albums : sail out ( ep ) , trip 

miss pavarti was born in bangladesh . her parents are both 100% bangladeshi and immigrated to chicago when pavarti was four years old . she had an older brother who was five years older than her . his name was siva .her family traveled back every summer so she is very immersed in the culture of her homeland and is a very spiritual person as a result . from a young age , pavarti had a fascination with the english language . not only was it so complex , but there was so much that could be done with it as well . she loved poetry and different types of prose . she also developed an absolute adoration for hip hop as a result . she’s been able to work several of her lyrical inspirations in her albums , something she would’ve never anticipated growing up as an immigrant child . when she entered middle school , she joined the school choir as an extra curricular activity which is what inspired her love for music and introduced her to her vocal talents . within time , she began combining her inclination for poetry with her voice . she wrote her first song at thirteen and began to freestyle for her friends . unfortunately , she was never taken too seriously by her peers . she was a female , hardly the usual suspect for the rnb , soul vibe that her voice conveys . before she graduated high school , her brother siva was killed in a car crash . the unexpected death of her best friend and protector sent pavarti into a spiral . this begun her tendency to alter her reality to escape from her pain with the help of drugs . she frequently writes about her brother in her music . when she was eighteen , she was discovered , ironically , by a manager of a local rapper at a poetry slam she was performing at . she impressed him and he introduced her to his client . this is how pavarti entered the hip hop scene , albeit , in secret . in hip hop , it’s very custom for performers to write the tracks that they put out themselves . pavarti learned that she could learn the skills of the trade whilst making her own connections and making pretty good cash , as well . as the years progressed , the notoriety of her clients rose . she’s written bars for multiple big names and by harvesting these friendships , she was able to get signed to a record label and put out her first ep at age twenty one . it was well received by critics and pavarti was thrilled to be taken seriously as an artist doing what she loves . she kept working , kept her nose in her business and released her first full album , trip , just last year . she feels like she is constantly growing artistically and finds herself inspired everywhere she turns . she’s currently working on her second full album and just dropped a new single , p*$$y fairy . other than that , there’s not too much else to note in her history . she did not grow up rich , rather she’s only recently come into wealth . her money is very new and she’s not too skilled at spending it wisely .

    personality . 

okay , so this will probably just be a long winded explanation that no one really asked for / needed but here we go ! first and foremost . . . pavarti is a dreamer in every sense of the word . she’s whimsical , she’s connected to the earth around her . she drifts off into elaborate day dreams and tells herself stories in her head as she falls to sleep . she is very spiritual . she meditates twice a day . her house always smells of incense . she has an affinity for weed and hallucinogenics . she really enjoys writing under the influence . her album trip is literally inspired by several drug experiences she had that had a profound impact in her life . pavarti’s general demeanor is borderline wall - flower . you wouldn’t expect her to be so shy , but she is . she’s the giggly girl who’ll hang back and let someone else come to her first . in the meantime , she’s taking in every single detail . she’s incredibly observant . sometimes she thinks in poetry . she realizes that she isn’t the typical visual for a female hip hop , rnb artist but it’s truly her passion in life and her art flows through her . she says more in her songs than she does to the people she needs to and that can definitely be problematic . with that said , pavarti is very well spoken . girl knows how to sweet talk her way through just about anything . but she also has the temper of a devil . she does not tolerate being fucked around with . she has that attitude about her where she will go and key your car if you hurt her or one of her best friends . people typically wouldn’t expect such an explosion from someone so outwardly sanguine and easy going but she’s the type to scratch someone’s eyes out if she has to . her music is her spouse . this fucks her up relationship wise a lot because she tends to let chances pass her by because she would rather stay undistracted . she has an ego , but not really in the outward way that one would anticipate when ego is involved . she knows she’s talented . she knows she’s attractive . but she also knows that she’s fucking lucky to be where she is and she’s grateful . pavarti is the type who wakes up with a smile because she has another twenty four hours to be alive . she doesn’t take things for granted --- she used to , until she lost her older brother and she realized just how quickly things can change . pavarti is a fiercely loyal individual to her friends . she will stand up for them , no matter what . the thing is , she expects it back . she is very much aware of her self worth and does not react kindly to a one sided vibe . 

    plots . 

ok , ok , ok . . . so how i am going to do this is offer up some songs / song pairings for songs that i believe pavarti has written for specific people with certain plots in mind for at least her side of things . and then i will also list some basic plots that aren’t based on anything in particular , but are still plots that i would like very much to have ! the links go to lyrics ! all plots are gender neutral , so ignore any pronouns that are in the songs .

bed peace / stay ready / while we’re young --- fwbs with feelings : pavarti and your muse have been friends for a while . somewhere along the line things crossed the line and they began hooking up . it’s obvious that they feel something intense for each other but something is always in the way of them being together --- plus , neither are really sure if the friendship could withstand a romantic relationship crashing and burning . so here they are , stuck in this awkward limbo . they hook up , hang out , awkwardly third wheel when the other is dating someone else . it’s an interesting dynamic and pavarti wouldn’t deal with drama with anyone else but your muse . they have a really compelling bond and neither can think of life without the other but things have been like this for a long time and there is only so long a relationship as complicated as this one could actually function .

the worst / comfort inn ending / moments / when we love --- exes that ended badly with lingering feelings : this was . . . just a crazy hot and cold relationship . when it was hot , it was fucking hot . when it was cold ? damn . hell itself could freeze over . they probably have done and said a lot of nasty , nasty shit to each other . at the same time , they could’ve been literally planning their wedding at some point because they both were incredibly serious about each other . in comfort inn ending , pavarti suggests their relationship was a result of her cheating on another boyfriend to be with your muse and your muse ultimately cheated on her as well . we can discuss that but i would high key kill for the extra drama . around the time pavarti was writing her first full album , they had a rekindling that inspired her to write moments and when we love . i don’t envision this relationship having ended in a decent way from there , though . more cheating ? fighting ? they were definitely toxic . she’s definitely planning on dragging their ass some more in her tracks .

lsd / sativa --- platonic soulmates : omg so this plot is . . . so fucking cute . but these two would basically die for each other . there is zero sexual attraction , just genuine , pure love . they do everything together . but what really sealed their bond ? well . . . many different intense acid trips , of course ! they love to get high together and forget about the world . they both feel like they can trust the other because they have been present for so many life - changing moments . they rarely go a day without seeing each other and absolutely never go a day without talking in some capacity . sometimes they fight like siblings . but pavarti would honestly kill for your muse . there is nothing she wouldn’t do for them . 

new balance / newer balance / you are here / clear my mind --- the romantic bad influence : this plot is another messy piece of trash . from the beginning , when they first met , pavarti always thought your muse was too good to be true . they reminded her so much of her brother . she felt this sense of peace with your muse . she fell in love quickly but at the same time , felt like there was something looming over their relationship . like it wasn��t permanent . like it’s all just a dream . the bad influence part isn’t portrayed too much in the lyrics other than stressing pavarti’s fear that your muse isn’t exactly who they say they are and this relationship is doomed to fail somehow . she knows that when this explodes in her face that it’s going to destroy her . i see your muse bringing out edgier sides of pavarti’s personality . they party a lot , they influence pavarti to do crazy things with them and she does and she feels so alive with your muse . that is , until , it all crumbles . the facade is destroyed and whatever it was that your muse wasn’t being upfront about shatters the way she feels for your muse entirely . she feels betrayed . clear my mind is pavarti’s way of trying to hype herself up to be stronger than she really is . 

never call me / --- best friends turned enemies : this is my last long one i promise , wtf , why did i decide to do this . anyways --- this plot is again , a shit ton of angst so enjoy that . your muse and pavarti used to be the best of friends . inseparable . that is until things went south . fast . we can discuss what it was that happened between our muses but it was something huge and preferably something where they both could stubbornly blame each other . pavarti feels slighted because she thinks that your muse should be the one who reaches out and perhaps your muses could be thinking the same about her . 

romantic plots : crushes , unrequited love , hateship , party hookup , friends with benefits , secret fling , summer romance 

platonic plots : give me close friends ! and tons of them please ! thanks . roommates , drug buddies , confidants , unlikely friendship , travel friends , only friends in the dms , enemies turned friend

#wealthyhq:intro #tw death #tw drugs #um um this got so fucking lONG i prOFUSELY APOLOGIZE #i need 2 pass tf out now baiiiiiiiii

[monaedroid]

Part Zero: An Introduction

Janelle Monáe is sitting on her throne. This is true in a figurative sense, of course. “If she the G.O.A.T. now, would anybody doubt it?” she asks on “Django Jane,” the boastful, rap-heavy song that served as one of the introductions to her latest album Dirty Computer. But Monáe is on a literal throne as well: sitting in Complex’s Studio 3 on a regal chair that mirrors the one in her “Django Jane” video (or at least as close as our hard-working video team could find on a few days’ notice).

Monáe is here to discuss Dirty Computer, the album and accompanying 48-minute “emotion picture” that is her response to a troubled world. Rather than couching her ideas in 28th century science-fiction garb, as she has before, Monáe brought her concerns to the present (or, in the emotion picture, to the near-future of the 2090s). She wanted to let her listeners know that what she calls “dirty computers”—people who are made to feel like integral parts of their being are bugs and viruses—can band together, find love, and fight back.

Dirty Computer is, Monáe says, broken up into three sections. The initial handful of songs make up the Reckoning (“This is how I’m viewed. I’m a ‘dirty computer,’ it’s clear. I’m going to be pushed to the margins, outside margins, of the world,” she told the New York Times). The middle section is the Celebration (“It’s like, O.K., these are the cards I’ve been dealt”). At the very end, there’s Reclamation—that is, reclamation of American identity. It’s a realization that, as the album’s final track has it, “I’m not crazy, baby/I’m American.” Appropriately enough, those are the themes we stuck to in our interview. But first, we talked a little bit about the album more broadly, her experiences living in Complex’s home base of New York City, and how a silent film from 90 years ago started everything.

This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

I want to hold up a quote and I was hoping you could read it to me. “There can be no understanding between the hands and the brain unless the heart acts as the mediator.” That’s from Fritz Lang’s 1927 German Expressionist film Metropolis.

What does that line mean to you? The film inspired pretty much all of my work and it inspired me to want to be the heart, to be the mediator between the mind and the hands; the high class [and] the low class; the have-nots and the haves; and use music to bridge that gap and to bring us together.

Since you’re in New York City, I wanted to jump back to when you lived here. You were in school in the city for about a year and a half studying musical theater. How did that training prepare you for what you’re doing now, which is essentially putting out a new musical with every album? 

I enjoyed all of my time at the American Musical and Dramatics Academy. I grew up acting and singing and writing and going to after-school Shakespearean programs. It was my dream to come to New York, and I’m so happy I did. I learned so much about reading music, and dance and technique, in terms of acting and my delivery as a performer. It also let me know that I did not want to tell other people’s stories. I had a story to tell.

One of the tricky things conceptually about Dirty Computer the emotion picture and the album is that in some ways, it’s a prequel to your earlier work. What was challenging or surprising about writing a prequel? I had the concept and the title of Dirty Computer before I released [her 2010 debut album] The ArchAndroid, so the albums are connected. It is sort of a prelude and there are little Easter eggs in the visual. If you watch the Dirty Computer piece online, you’ll see Mary Apple [played by Tessa Thompson]. I have a song on The ArchAndroid called “Mushrooms and Roses” that talks about a character named [Blueberry] Mary, and she shares DNA with this Mary Apple. It’s all related. It’s connected.

Part I: Reckoning

As Monáe mentioned, the concept of the “dirty computer” is one she’s been thinking about for a while. The idea became all the more relevant in recent years, as forces of hate, prejudice, and division gained power across the world. The 2016 election, in the singer’s words, “sped up” the release of her album. An artist ever-focused on life centuries from now was dragged by circumstance back to today.

When talking about Dirty Computer, you’ve said, “Those of us who live in the future are sometimes needed in the present.” So much of your work has been focused on the future. What do you think being so focused on that in your creative life helped you express when you came back to the present? What did you see that other people might not have? One of the things that’s important is that I’m aware of what’s going on now. I did have the tendency to always think about what the next project was or what else I can do. It’s like, “No, we have to pay attention to what’s happening here, right now.” I like to go where I’m needed. I wanted to celebrate the marginalized, and those folks that I felt needed the most amplification of their voices because they were not being heard.

I’ve read three or four different supposed inspirations for a lyric in “Screwed”: Everything is sex/ Except sex, which is power.” So I wanted to ask the source. Where did that line come from? That particular quote was inspired by Oscar Wilde. [Ed. note: The quote “Everything in human life is really about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” is attributed apocryphally to Wilde] I put my spin on it because I wanted to support what it was that I was trying to get across: “You fuck the world up now, we’ll fuck it all back down.’ I just thought it was a clever wordplay.

I read that line, “You fuck the world up now, we’ll fuck it all back down,” was something you said in the heat of the moment maybe seven or eight years ago, and filed away? It did start with something that I just said casually. It was a reaction to my bus being dirty. The whole band and crew, we were all sharing one tour bus. I hate to say this, but I was on the bus with a lot of men. I’m not gonna say all men are dirty, but I will say that the guys I was on a bus with, and I love them dearly, they were just living la vida loca.

I came on the bus, and if you know me, you know I cannot sleep in a dirty space. It just overcrowds my mind. I only wear black and white, for crying out loud. Maybe it’s an OCD thing, I don’t know. I just came on the bus and I saw banana peels and underwear and it was crazy. I said, “You know what? Whoever fucked this bus up, y’all better fuck it right back down.” They laugh at me to this day when they think about me coming on that bus and saying that and seeing how serious I was, and I didn’t even realize what it meant. It’s something that we laugh about all the time, and I felt like it applied to our current state of affairs.

I SAID, ‘YOU KNOW WHAT? WHOEVER FUCKED THIS BUS UP, Y’ALL BETTER FUCK IT RIGHT BACK DOWN.’

One of the things in the emotion picture that grabbed me was the use of drones as the first line of law enforcement. Can you talk a little bit about why they play that role in the movie? Dirty Computer is near-future. Right now, we are dealing with drones. I was in a hotel recently and I saw a drone hovering over my window. It was really, really scary because I had never experienced it. Then I saw drones when I was at a plaza. I saw them going over the plaza, and I was just like, “What is going on?”

It’s a question that we have to ask ourselves around surveillance as a form of oppression, or surveillance also as a form of protection. Is it good? Is it evil? Is it invading privacy? It’s something that I have not fully settled on yet. I’m still forming my opinion on it.

Part II: Celebration

Dirty Computer is not by any means solely, or even mostly, a somber meditation on the ills of today. It is a frequently joyous record, particularly in the middle “Celebration” section. This is borne out in Monáe’s live shows, where she, her band, and a slew of backup dancers turn an arena into what the singer frequently calls “the church of the Dirty Computer.” The show not only runs through much of Monáe’s catalog, it also pays tribute in ways both overt and subtle to the history of black music in the 20th century, from Cab Calloway to James Brown to Michael Jackson to Monáe’s mentor Prince.

You were in a dark space when writing this record. How did you make an album that is so celebratory and hopeful? Well I would say that some of it is dark. I wouldn’t say that everything is. I think darkness is important so that you can appreciate the light. Balancing all things is something that I live by.

As much as this album is about me, I wrote it during the Obama era and then things changed [laughs], and I felt like I needed to create a sense of community for folks in these marginalized groups. At the concerts, when they listen to the music, I want them to feel proud and celebrated and seen and heard.

When you were making this album, you said, “I had to really think about who I wanted to celebrate and who I was okay with pissing off.” I chose to focus my energy and my time on celebrating the folks that I felt needed it most. Just to name a few: my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQIA community, black women, minorities, immigrants, lower class, working-class folks like my parents who worked as janitors and post office workers and trashmen. I wanted to focus on celebrating those voices that are not represented in the media as much as I’d like. I wanted to figure out how I could create a community and a safe space for us because honestly, when I take off my makeup, I take off my clothes as an artist and the performer Janelle Monáe, I fall into those groups. That’s my reality and that’s how I grew up, and I want to protect us.

One of the first voices you hear on the album is Brian Wilson. Why have him sing harmony on the title track? What relationship does that song have to the Beach Boys, and to “In My Room” specifically? I’m a huge Beach Boys fan. I remember listening to “In My Room” and loving the tone of their voices, and then seeing this documentary where they talk about the reason why their harmonies were so soft and low was because they were trying to hide recording from their parents in the house.

When I was writing “Dirty Computer,” I knew that this was an introspective song and I wanted you to really be in the mind of a Dirty Computer, me—what it meant to be, for the first time, reckoning with how the rest of society views you. I felt like his voice was going to be perfect to help tell that story.

“Celebration” is the middle section of the album, and I wanted to talk about some of the people you celebrate artistically. When you perform, you do a mashup of “Make Me Feel” and James Brown’s “I Got The Feelin’.” Can you talk about why you connected those two songs and what James Brown means to you as a performer and as a dancer? As a performer, James Brown is one of my favorites. I studied him and his movement. When I was making “Make Me Feel,” I could feel his presence when I started to perform it. It wasn’t until I started to perform that I started to connect the two and it just had a groove. It was like me and James were talking to each other, going back and forth through dance. I wanted to make sure that when you came to a live show, you saw us having that conversation.

This past weekend, I went to see a documentary about Betty Davis, who meets anyone’s definition of a free-ass motherfucker. Do you feel any connection to Betty? I love Betty Davis. She’s free, and she’s one of the godmothers of redefining how black women in music can be viewed. I respect her a lot and she’s opened up a lot of doors for artists like myself.

The “Pynk” video’s now-famous pants were originally inspired by David Bowie’s Aladdin Sane-era bodysuit. And there are a couple of characters in the emotion picture who have Bowie-inspired looks. I was hoping you could talk a little bit about David Bowie—his look and his music. David Bowie is, as an artist, so interesting to me. The world that he built out inspired me to build out my own world, as well. It let me know that I didn’t just have to be a singer. I didn’t just have to be an actor. I could mesh both mediums and tell stories.

You can tell stories through fashion, and I just wanted to tell the story of—some people call them labia pants, some people call them vagina pants, some people call them flowers—but I wanted to celebrate women. There are some women in the “Pynk” video that don’t have on the pants, because I don’t think that you have to possess a vagina or a labia to be a woman. We tried to think about that and be sensitive to it, and I think that Bowie has inspired not just me, but so many artists with his work and with his vision.

THERE ARE SOME WOMEN IN THE “PYNK” VIDEO THAT DON’T HAVE ON THE PANTS, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK THAT YOU HAVE TO POSSESS A VAGINA OR A LABIA TO BE A WOMAN.

The Stevie Wonder interlude “Stevie’s Dream” is a brief but very important part of the record. Do you think that with this album you’ve succeeded in doing what he asks in that segment, which is to express anger using words of love? Do you think that’s even possible? Stevie Wonder is not only my musical hero, but he’s like a godfather to me. I started out writing [the album] during the Obama era and then things just changed, and I had to be honest to where I was mentally after November 2016. I was just very angry. I was angry for a lot of different reasons, because I love this country like so many.

I went to go talk to him, and this is a man who got Dr. King’s birthday to be a national holiday. He has been on the front lines. He has done so much behind-the-scenes work. He spoke to me and he just wanted to remind me that I needed to be patient, that we needed to be patient and we didn’t need to give up hope. But it was important for me to lead with love. It’s a difficult thing. It’s difficult. I’m working on it. I don’t know if I’ve mastered it, but I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress, and I think it’s great advice.

There are lots of great vocal moments on the album. One that stands out for me is the final chorus of “So Afraid,” where you go up an octave and it sounds impassioned and strained. Can you tell me about recording that moment? “So Afraid” was a song I wrote when I was on the way to the dentist. I had a throbbing toothache and I had just taken some Advil and I had driven myself to an emergency dentist appointment. I had my voice memo by me and at every stoplight, I would just record different melodic ideas and I would record myself talking about things I was afraid of, my fears at that moment.

Then when I got to go sit down in my dentist’s chair, my dentist was taking too long—and I love my dentist, shout-out to him, he’s amazing. I had my mouth [held] open, and I was singing the chorus like, [sings with mouth open] “Ah ah ah ah ah.”

I just remember wanting that voice memo of me sounding like that to be on the actual song. So I ran to the studio afterwards. I called Nate Wonder and I told him, “This is how I want the song to be produced. I want to make sure that the thing you pay attention to most is my voice, and the fear that you hear in my voice and the yearning. I don’t want to sing it too high starting out. I want the first verse, first chorus, second verse, second chorus, I want all of that to be low, like an octave lower than what I would normally sing. And then when I just can’t take all of the fears that I’m experiencing, when I’m about to blow up, literally—because I’ve had moments like that—I want that octave up to represent an explosion.”

Part III: Reclamation

“Don’t try to take my country,” goes the chorus of the Dirty Computer closer “Americans.” “I will defend my land.” It’s a line that has roots in one of the song’s initial incarnations, from the point of view of a white male Southerner who is confused and upset by all of the dirty computers around him.

But in its present incarnation, in the album’s “Reclamation” section, it represents something else as well. It’s the determination of Monáe not to give up on her homeland, despite its often-vicious treatment of the people she holds dear. “Love me, baby,” she pleads. “Love me for who I am.”

In “Django Jane,” you talk admiringly about black artists like James Baldwin and Josephine Baker and Saul Williams who “fled to Paris.” At the end of the album, you make a different choice. You say, “I will defend my land.” What made you decide to end the record on that proclamation? Why is it important to be American? “Americans” is in the Reclamation section of the album. The Reclamation is about reclaiming what is ours. My ancestors helped build the White House. We helped build so much [with] our blood, sweat, and tears. These are my ancestors, people like my grandmother and great-grandmother. I wanted it to be clear that we have no intentions of running as Dirty Computers, but staying right here and reclaiming what’s ours.

That song originally had a different spin on it. Can you tell me about “Southern Man?” I wrote like three different iterations of “Americans.” One of them was called “Southern Man.” I live in Atlanta, Georgia, and it was inspired by some of the Southern white men that I encountered. They really felt like they were superior and this was their country, and we were just here. I was trying to speak from their perspective in hopes that when they listen to how they sound, they would realize that in fact, it was very divisive and, quite frankly, stupid.

Is there any of that left in the version we hear? Yes, there are lyrics that I left from “Southern Man” in “Americans.” I wanted to make it more inclusive with the different perspectives—you have the folks who are just clinging to their guns, clinging to their bibles, using their bibles as a whip, believing in superstition. You have so many different kinds of Americans and I was trying to make it as inclusive as possible.

The final words of the album are, “Please sign your name on the dotted line.” Can you give us any insight on that? The lyric can mean a couple things. It’s like, “I’ve expressed to you as an American from my perspective the things that are going on. Are you ready to commit yourself to this country? Are you ready to come over here and really be a citizen at this moment in time?” It also could mean a continuation of what is to come for Americans in the future.

Do you have a message for all the Dirty Computers of the world, for the people who are made to feel defective? My message to Dirty Computers who are made to feel defective, to feel like they’re bugs and they’re viruses, are negatives and need to be deleted and need to be reprogrammed, is to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. Your features are your bugs and your viruses. They’re attributes. They add value to this society, to this country, to your communities. Continue to lead with love. I hope that with this album and with this emotion picture, you feel more seen, you feel more heard, you feel more celebrated—and continue to be free-ass motherfuckers.

#janelle monae #janellemonae #dirty computer #dirtycomputer

[mistahsojourner]

Halloween: I Was That Guy That Didn’t Wear a Costume

I get invited to a Halloween party by a fella I used to work with about 4 years back. We were call center slaves once and sorta young. We survived the brutal, terrifying drudgery of that white collar McDonald’s. I can’t speak for him. I emerged as the man writing this. I got wiser, weaker and my eye got keener. Reader, this is me bearing witness. This is the mundane drama that gets us where we need to go, I suppose. 

It had been a brutal week of pretending I knew what the fuck I was doing at my day job. I had my suspicions I was probably gonna get found out that week. I made it through. 

Let me make one thing perfectly and abundantly clear to you sir or madam or whoever it is that’s reading this. I don’t get out much. I sorta know how real life works from TV but I don’t spend a lot of time out there. I spend a lot of time alone with my stupid thoughts that melt the steel beams of my life every once in awhile. I’ve been in this period of trying to get “right” again recently. I know I’m gonna be too anxious and inept to drive out there so I don’t. I summon a poor soul with the Uber app on my Samsung personal surveillance device to get me out there into the land of pick-up trucks and country music and maybe god damn Trump supporters. 

Yeah. This shindig or whatever the fuck was way the hell out there. The Uber drivers I get when I use this terrible, dystopian service are usually these motor-mouthed go-getters who probably do a lot of Adderall or they tend to be these earnest, polite immigrants just trying to make it in this fucked up, racist, brutal country. I get this gentleman from Eritrea who barely says a word the entire ride. I should note that before I got in the car about 15 minutes before, I had ingested some cannabis infused chocolate. If I’m not mistaken, that put about 10 milligrams of THC into my system. I then pick up on something. 

The driver of this Toyota Prius criss-crossing it’s way through this autumn night is getting worried, he’s getting flustered. He is getting lost. Oh shit. See, I haven’t been in the exact same spot this guy was in but I know what it’s like to feel utterly alone in the night. I know what it’s like to feel sweat collecting on the back of your neck. I know what it is to feel like your body is itching with fear and dread. He starts apologizing to me. Something happens to me. I know what I gotta do. 

“Brother, don’t worry about it,” I say. “Do not worry. Aight. Just go straight and follow the road for a few miles. You don’t gotta turn for a bit.” 

THIS IS FUCKING CRAZY TO ME BECAUSE I’M NOT USED TO BEING THIS CALM CAT THE UNIVERSE PUTS IN PEOPLE’S PATH BUT THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO FOR THIS GUY. 

He thanks me and thanks me and thanks me. 

“Alright. You gotta turn right in a few hundred feet. There we go. See that road sign? Just turn there when it’s safe. Don’t even worry about it, man. Why do you think I ain’t drivin’ myself? I’d get lost out here even worse. This ain’t my hood, man.”

He calmed down. I’m not sure when I started to feel the cannabis. I’m not sure if me being so fucking kind is the cannabis or if that’s just me. It’s just me. Being alive has hurt me in the weirdest ways and as a result, I’m basically a wannabe Mr. Rogers who is angrier and curses a lot. 

I get to the party. I guess it had a circus theme. There was this circus tent. My friend is in a cover band. 

I walk in. I have a brief conversation about the health impact of vaping and I deftly steer the conversation away from whether Trump is really all that bad. The weed was starting to kick in. I was high but I sure as fuck ain’t stupid. I ingested the second piece of cannabis infused chocolate that I had in my coat pocket. I’m starting to feel it. I know I am. 

I’m in uncharted territory. When I’m high, I’m usually alone. Yep. I am the weirdo that gets high and will just let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I just waste time. So, there I was getting higher and higher around a bunch of strangers. 

Some of the things I say that night, 

“Holy shit. Is this what an episode of Miami Vice is like?” 

“See. I feel like I should tell you. What you’re seeing right now is a cat who don’t get out much.” 

“We don’t need secret police. We build the dossiers on ourselves. It’s crazy, man.” 

“I’m too old for this shit.” 

“FREEBIRD!” 

“THATCHER WAS A CUNT AND I’M GLAD SHE’S DEAD!” in a dubious working class English accent. 

At some point I get offered beer. I don’t ever drink. In fact, I will admit that I had never been drunk before. I start drinking and drinking and drinking. I end up stoned as fuck and somewhat drunk on um light beer. I can feel my inhibitions lower. I’m definitely keenly aware of it. I shout things at the top of my lungs. I even dance and don’t really give much of a fuck how it looks. 

The lowered inhibitions start to concern me. I lean in close to my friend. I say in his ear, “When you get a minute, I need to talk to you.” He nods. See, I ain’t used to alcohol. It’s the weirdest thing. I’m very accustomed to being very high on marijuana and I’ve lived to tell about a few intense trips on psilocybin mushrooms. Alcohol just isn’t something I have a lot of practice with. In fact, being out ain’t something I have a ton of practice with. 

I become intensely concerned about what I might do while under the influence. I worry I might become Brett Kavanaugh. I’m terrified I might flip out and kill someone. I nod to my friend’s friend. He’s dressed like The Driver from Drive and has this weird kinda charisma. I see something in him. I see a kindness. I see a light in that man. I ask him if he’ll step outside with me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I say something like, “Forgive me if this is weird but will you step outside with me for a second?” He doesn’t even question it. We step outside and I lay it all out. 

“Like I said. I don’t get out much. I don’t get fucked up with other people around so this is a new experience. Do you ever worry about what you might do under the influence and does that scare you?” 

I actually start crying. I don’t even recall what he says now. I just recall that he listened to me. He told me it was okay. I remember telling him that something told me I could come to him with that. I told him that even as a complete stranger, I could sense the goodness in him. I told him he was a good man. 

Yeah. So, I got to be the shepherd and the shepherded that night. 

I spend some time just chilling outside in the dark. I get to talking more to the dude who was dressed as The Driver. As I write this, I am sober but everything is slow. I feel sluggish. In retrospect, I say too much. I guess that it might be kind of a bad idea to get all cross-faded like that. That’s a young man’s game and I ain’t so young any more. I say too much. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t get out much and you’re drunk and high, you start sharing the thoughts that terrorize when you’re alone in a dark room. 

I spill about my upbringing. My overprotective mother that wouldn’t let me out of her sight and wouldn’t let me grow up. I talk about how I BS my way through like half my day job. Driver tells me how badass that is. I feel the need to keep mentioning I don’t get out much. He tells me, “You’re an astronaut, dude. Exploring new worlds.” I say, “I know what you’re saying but that’s a little too dramatic.” 

I spill about the heroic mushroom trip. I talk about how dreamlike everything was. I talk about how I had only messed with shrooms a time or two before but the last time, I suddenly found myself drowning in a psychedelic ocean. I tell him about coming to grips with how weird and terrifying that could get. I look over at him with a straight face, I say, 

“This is the part where you tell me about Jesus.” 

I was kidding. He says, 

“Do you wanna pray with me?” 

“What? Are you fucking with me?” 

“No man.” 

I size him up. “You’re being sincere.” 

“Yeah man.”

“I did not see that coming. I don’t know how to respond.” 

“You think mushrooms are amazing. Wait til you commune with the creator of the universe.” 

God damn it. This is a hell of a plot twist. 

“Do you want to pray with me?” 

“No offense but I don’t feel led to do that.” 

“That’s cool, man. I’ll pray for you though.” 

“Aight. I just wanna say though, if you are only talking to me to get a convert, you can fuck all the way off. That’s not comic exaggeration. That is not me playing a character. Fuck all the way off if that’s what you’re doing.” 

“I’m not doing that, man. Don’t worry.” 

“Okay. I’m just gonna be chill. It’s outta my system.” 

I had more intense, way too intimate conversations that night. I don’t feel the need to recount any more of them. 

I get home somehow. I don’t sleep much. I only sleep about four hours or so. I have a lazy Saturday. I don’t feel quite normal all day. I feel tired and need to take a nap at some point. 

My soul changed. A little. Maybe. 

#writing #workinprogress #personal #personalessaymaybe #halloween #halloween2018

[usashirtstoday]

I'm A Little Smart Short And Stout Here Is My Finger Funny

That is a I'm A Little Smart Short And Stout Here Is My Finger Funny psychotic transgender you know wife or daughter in is bad the need this bathroom handicap bathroom to break your fucking links and just in case you guys go don’t believe that this pedophilia shit is really going on take a look at this that is a pregnant child these are pregnant children how do you think these children got pregnant grown man raping that can say having sex is no such thing as consensual sex with a child that is right these children are rape victims and it happens every fucking day in Q’s been exposing it trumps been exposing and going to war with them been exposing it to YouTube is a been exposing it and as a result were being targeted but we can’t stop fighting is one from WikiLeaks to do a bad and you who Montezuma Aberdeen Obama Barack. Four year olds have the background when I got out of the FMLA moments that moment when you drop off back and asked about the people that 11 finance automatic blood profit for my children I would be me and letting worthwhile arrows on CBS news located in a story that will be Catherine Jean Harding transformer is neither a note of the charges against the and went away for me to spend his time take a look at the Thursday March 4 they looking for the election’s names and politics will choose these the questions you want is a very sorry for every the very point to face the nation CBS we are in this area to be made to look through a telescope on in a few hours to nomination for Carolyn bangs forward and primary challengers will also be speaking to Cory Booker and Michael Bloomberg meanwhile brought in from continued to make official White House tricks to key battleground stage where he campaigned against binding in Scranton a former BP birthplace been the subject throughout this week convention last when he was. Happening here and took in what they are doing that’s the that just a continuation of the hoax whether it’s the impeachment Oaks or the Russia Russia Russia hope this is what I’m talking about certainly not referring to this how can anybody refer to this this is very serious about the way they referred to it because these people have done such an incredible job and I don’t like it when they are criticizing these people and that stokes that’s what I’ve done information Dr world renowned for being my Dr is just a question has because he has had that ability to do virtually whatever is wanted to do that in fact he was never muzzled think I can speak what are you let me let me clarify I have never been muzzled ever and I been doing this since the administration of Ronald Reagan I’m not been muzzled by this ministration what happened which was misinterpreted is that we were set up to go on some shows when the vice president took over said let’s regroup and figure out how to be communicated so I had to just stand

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My mom said you dad told you smart dog judging you right now and your best friend is called crazy the only give it to a I'm A Little Smart Short And Stout Here Is My Finger Funny story mansion getting your newsletter noble in Stephenson’s sleep news straight to the store maybe more neuron than I am now with so much on the line number one for on stories stories stories is now is most likely has I had bad news ABC news live watch the street prescribers right now will hear from you 2 now away for 2021 not seem to be ready by 2021 so much attention when he may have a short answer connect and be ready training 2021 according. Our country faces well aware well aware of all the threads to this nation and ready to respond to them as a child of immigrants she knows personally how immigrant families enrich our country as well as the challenges of what it means to grow up black and you need American in United States of America per stories America story different from mine to many particulars but also lots of different in the essentials she’s worked hard she’s never back down from a challenge and she has earned each and every of the accolades and achievements that she has gained many of them often in the face of obstacles that others put in her way but never quit and this morning all across the nation little girls woke up special black and brown girls so often feel overlooked and undervalued in the communities but today today just maybe they’re seeing themselves for the first time in a new way as the stuff of present and vice presidents in her campaign the primary camel often talked about what you referred to as the 3M agenda by moms. Is based on something happening books are that years ago I remember what day is here was actually exclusive from New York comic con 2011 I believeand my friend Kal who owns straight investors the comic shop whereby complex he went to New York goneand pick up this exclusiveand he just gave to me because he was collecting the line so that was pretty sweet but I kept this guy in package I just keep picked up on my walland next a couple of she hulks services Holt’s cousin Jennifer Walters who turned into a hold of her ownand she had a blood transfusion forand this is she holding her classic fit this is what she wears in most of her miniseriesand stuff is cool I didn’t see hope in the marvel of design until very recently been released her in her grave version out which is actually a great figure I don’t have a marvelousand where she will actually Holt’s girlfriend Betty Ross came remember why she turned into a red hope for a while but to deny scope on this figure cool character we don’t ever marvel into herand I can waitand see this figure released in this formatand here we get some hope villains so first up is the abomination which is a pretty nice felt but I will say his first big muscular guy goes it doesn’t work as well for abominations of the whole what it is the sizes had me produced body because it used horses are something it’s focus is not working here but I don’t dislike the figures that does a lot of looking but do you still fly scope in the faceand the scope of the body toand then it took that they figure they did have some new additional parts hereand see he’s got these a very distinctive looks on his forearms but otherwise it he’s mostly the same figure but this is the second abomination which was actually character Rick Jonesand when he became abomination he took on any A bomb which is corny cool thing that I think this is the only A bomb figure that never gottenand I it’s very cool I hope we get him in the wasand still some point that big lookand then the leader was a classical villain pendulous face will walk you need to close this is the glare section to Beth Beth deny scope of this figure I think this one actually looks a lot better than the upcoming Marvel legend figureand the quite a bit portions are nice guys with big goofy heads like this can sometimes be hard to pull off but your think a this leader looks really good so next up with a look at some force so we can we get this file here is essentially classic though her body from the IPE’s comments is what most people associate with the words that will hammer with his little inscription a pretty cool although the head rather classic beardless had to give us his the bearded one here is not college but not a bad figure if I’m going to have one classic door I would prefer beer now than the store her this is a more contemporary look for Thorand my personal favorite store this is the look he wore no is a contemporary for 15 years but the door was dead for while composting he came back sometime after the Civil Warand he had his newly redesigned costumes that was really the first time I started reading for complex on a regularand is seeking a big fan I really love this look this is a great figure is a lot of personality in the face looks a lot like the artwork that this costume is based on you I like the wash over the over the chain mail there there is a detailed brother is a really nice figure one of my favorites from the lineand lastly the for standing this is next with the words another character called thunder strike which I use Thor’s hammer for a whileand yet he is a claim is the classic for a fit on the leather jacket over top of the objectives were popular in the 90sand the he’s okay I see a new associate figure of a character that you don’t expect but the Dr to that much soand now we have some Thor allies have been rebuiltand I absolutely love this figure looks great he’s got an articulated jaw’s message is awesome for such small figure I love this costume love the hammer elevating about it we did recently get a bit rebuilt Marvel legends but his more updated costume as just a is not as nice looking as this one so if I do choose between the two I still prefer the smaller version of the rebuiltand we got sifts so this is based on the look from the movie the first form of so as a counterclaimand the actors likenesses not great is okay for this figure the size but you need to furtherand Connie outcomes based on Anthony Hopkins this is Oden Thor’s father so this is cool again characters with Odenand said I would prefer to have the comic based version rather than a movie one but never made but based one so I will be checking my foot had byand so here are some Thor villainsand these guys are all based on the movies so low key hereand at least as lucky with his helmet on Sotelo bit of a flair for the comic design they always would prefer the comic book appearances post movie appearances but low key characters right never really loved his comic book look anyway you could get a version of this they did make one comp costume is also really skinny goofy looking so I was content with this being my only low key except we have curse you might remember he was kind of a henchman in the second Thor movieand this is a character has a really cool design of the comic books it’s really crazy looking out there is happy that they work this character into the moviesand this is a cool design but I would prefer to look more like the comic book look in your filters underused anyway but it’s cool that these have some figure of him but I hope they eventually do Marvel legend of him based on his comic book appearance then we got one of the frost giants this is supposed to be a specific guy I think I can see he’s pretty cooland then we’ve got one of the dark elves also from the second movie so Mel kicked with the leader than the discipline to henchmen dress like this so I would’ve preferred exit amount kiss but it’s always fun to get some little army builders here too so it I do dig the look of the skyand here we have some comic book based Thor villains so first destroyer in the office action probably was from the movie line as well but the movie line was so close to the car because I would tell the difference so I member this was a hard to find figure I really wanted itand I think actually not by misguided eBay pain a bit of a premium form but it’s pretty cool figure there’s a couple different variations on this one is pretty much sum of solid black are really really dark grayand his but on his chest he had some sort of light up featuring his chest look red or something but the battery emeritus long since died this destroyer is pretty cooland the enchantress so she’s plain looking she supposed to be all seductressand I don’t know how people should be seduced without Syria is a special Marvel legend is much betterand then this guy here I don’t think we go Marvel him this is you look he’s a controland this is pretty cool figure I think it uses a lot of the same body as the abominations of suffers a little bit of heaven that same kind is a look but it may be makes more sense for troll reports to be sized that way then it’s a cool figure’s analysis looks at Capt See Other related products: What Would Joe Biden Do T Shirt

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[ruchalus]

Vent post time woo~ (just scroll past this)

Sometimes there’s just no arguing with my mom. She starts yelling at me like its my fault she can’t find her social security card for her job orientation. Is it MY fault you were on Facebook nonstop for several hours straight making political posts? Would taking 10 minutes away from Facebook hurt you so you can get your things together ahead of time? If I know I have an important thing coming up, I keep track of what time it head of time so I can jus and have it packed up ahead of time so I can just pick it up and go when I need to. How am I supposed to know where your things are in your files? How am I supposed to know when your things are at? You don’t tell me these things, don’t yell at me like its my fault.

Yes, I understand the kitchen is a mess and I’m fully aware that its my doing. I was going to clean it. I’ve been cleaning the kitchen all day yesterday as I was working, why would I stop now? You know just as well as I do that its been a very tough week since we almost became homeless. I. am. tired. Stressful events like these are extremely draining for me. Not just mentally but physically. As I went to clean up the kitchen, I sat down on the couch for a minute to find someone ton tv to watch while washing the dishes and ended up falling asleep right there. I’m sorry but I am still tired much like you.

I know I’m not the most organized person but one reason I don’t always get on it is because I always feel I can’t do it in peace when you’re home. I feel like I’m always being watched and judged. I don’t ever leave my room because you have a history of going through my things snooping around. I’d hate to break it to you but not everything is Grijalva’s fault. Not everything is the government,illegal immigrants, isis or some other conspiracy theory’s fault.

I tell you day after day after TO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT POLITICS!!! IT HAS DRIVEN ME TO MENTAL MELTDOWNS BEFORE LIKE THAT TIME A FEW YEARS BACK WHEN YOU THOUGHT MICHELLE OBAMA WAS A TRANS PERSON AND YOU THOUGHT POORLY PHOTOSHOPPED LIZARD EYES ON OBAMA WAS PROOF HE WAS A REPTILIAN!

Honestly, what fucking difference would it make in the alternate universe if Michelle Obama was a trans person? It would make no fucking difference. You tell me you’re in the middle but to everyone else you say you’re conservative? WHICH IS IT?! I asked you ahead of time to not bring up politics at the birthday party to my nephew. Because one time a while back when you saw him, you kept asking him if they were trying to teach him about converting to islam at his school because of some conspiracy theory you read online that said muslims were infiltrating the american education system.

If you want any hope of patching things up with Gabe and Anjelica, you need self control. You have to actively think about avoiding these topics until it becomes habit. You’re free to talk about politics but you need to realize that your children HATE talking about it. It’s not Grijalva’s fault gregory lost his job at the bookstore. He doesn’t have spies and people working for him everywhere, maybe its because the bookstore hasn’t exactly treated him well before in the past?

I just want to go one day where we go out for something be it groceries, errands, etc and you DON”T bring up politics, trump, obama, etc. YOU NEED TO REALIZE WORLD'S”S WOES AREN’T THE FAULT OF  ONE ENTITY WHEN YOU NEED TO REALIZE ITS A BUNCH OF VARIOUS FACTORS OF VARIOUS SIZES INTERRELATING AND INTERCONNECTING THAT FUCKS THINGS UP IN THE WORLD.

I can’t tell her any of this because apparently, feelings outweigh logic and reason. She will often think that she’s right because G_d told her so or if she’s losing an argument she’ll just start saying that we’re ungrateful children, she sacrificed so much, etc etc. YOU WERE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO TAKE CARE OF US WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN!!!. 

There are many people out in the world who are self proclaimed prophets and do crazy things because they say G_d told them so. Just to clarify, I believe in G_d but I don’t look into this spiritual stuff because I work better with precise answers to things rather than saying “demons did it”.

I really wish I had more friends in real life that I could roommate with so I can just move out into a 2 bedroom apartment but I don’t know anyone. I’d say it would be a good deal for them because I’m legally disabled with autism, I by default bring in 750 a month which would be good for rent, bills, etc. Well, I only get 750 when I move out but w/e... I feel I could be more at peace if I lived alone or lived with someone that uses logic and reason over feelings and instincts.

Despite all this, I love my mom and I know she’s a good person who we could always turn to if we’re in a time of need. She’s one of the most caring people I know and would do anything to help her kids but she can be really fucking overbearing and pushy.

[jammixes-blog]

Good Vibes

Good vibrations during the day make the night more pleasant. It's the Good Vibe formula for being. It's hard for a Rose to grow on a piece of shit, in a healthy way. I wonder if astro-physics is linked to chemistry and biology. It should. The interaction of all atoms surrounding us is as important as their energy. Alchemically, the tiniest grain of sand can alter the composition of the whole Universe. Even stones possess more properties than we know of. I believe the theory that computers might have existed long ago, in the form of raw quartz, cut in specific ways. Somewhere, we didn't evolve, we just opened a lot more doors. If you research the evolution of the different philosophical schools of Ancient Greece, every door of perception was opened, there are the foundations of every possibility of scientific inquiry. A systematic exploration of every school would be adequate, as an inspiration. I'm too lazy to get into details, suffice it to say that the atomic composition of the Universe, conceptually, already existed. The day we are all conscious of our ignorance, we'll have to stop fighting amongst ourselves, and try to start building an Enlightened Civilization. This might require re-evaluating and re-thinking the way we live, interact, grow, educate ourselves, and re-define sciences and technology in a way that profits fully all human beings, and enable us to go further, with set goals, universally accepted and believed in. I'm gonna do my part, keep on doing my thing, writing, painting, mixing, meeting people, and try to encourage positive change. If I'm gone, there will be enough for future generations, to dig into. I can't do more, these are my limitations. I give what i can, and what i have, now. I might be a Good person, but being honest is more important, it makes one Better. I'm not taking anything with me, anyway. So, the more I give, and the better the legacy is. I'm keen on that. I don't care about party-poopers or people who think I'm on drugs, or crazy. When anyone has the patience to read the trunk loads of notebooks I'm leaving behind, with over 33 years of writing, they won't have a reason, or the heart to say anything bad about me. I am very sure about that, i do not fuck with other people, there are 0 reasons and 0 proofs to bad mouth me in any way. As for psychologists, they can't stand in court against me, face to say, I'll prove that they are insane, un-professional voyeurs, strip them from professional accreditations, take all their cash for damages, and get them interned. If i don't need their bogus services, they have no reason to meddle with my private life, that's criminal and unworthy of any professional code of conduct. Do you get a garagist checking your car, in your driveway, and deciding for you, without your consent, awareness, or legal backing, to do so and, to decide that you can't drive your car. What kind of con-artist would do that? It's called starving amateurs, paid by Silicon Valley to fuck a human being for more profits, while discrediting him. Thanks to D, earlier, i was told that in TDot, californian cons have no say. Well, i am in TDot, happily home, thankful that my people prefer to judge for themselves. I couldn't ask for a fairest deal, although, i did arrive in an exhausted state. That's what my Dad hinted at. I trust him, out of Love and Respect. By the end of the day, i'll never feel as at peace as home. I stand up to T.O, it stands up to me, that's what home is about, the place that balances you out. It's not always easy or enjoyable, but the grass is the same, in its difference, everywhere. Gotta pick somewhere, at some point, to throw the anchor down, and elevate the rest. The harder it feels and the more energy you gotta put in, you get 0, when you put in 0, it's mathematically unbeatable. Being an immigrant is not an issue. But, having a glass ceiling abritraly placed on one's path, to satisfy lazy and paranoid local egos: Fuck That. You don't put a collar on your immigrants. Never. And you don't treat all immigrants like cattle. Some happen to graduate from better schools than the local ones, you give them a fair chance. Period. The "you weren't born here" I heard so many times in Canada is condescending. So what? Does it mean I have to lick your ass because you were? If you are white-skinned, i never had tolerance for you. Immigrants are not the problem, you are. Like the extreme right in the UK, you are blatantly evil and should blame yourself for not progressing, in your path. Too easy and too coward to blame others. I saw something that vaguely looked like a Templar's Pate cross on a flag, next to the racist woman who leads the UK cohort of weasels. This is a fake Templar. No real custodian of Templar lore would do anything to promote racism, hate, or unfairness. There are no Templars existing today. The closest is their descendants, but, none of them displays the cross next to evil. Once and for all, any crazy person who claims to act on the behalf of Templars, especially to create division, or negative energies, is a fraud. It's too easy to appropriate a symbol and cover subjective stupidity with it. Why do i care? I inherited that symbol, at 33, without choice. I only use it when it promotes good energies, never for selfish ends. I would rather hang myself than be assimilated to it, for caca shit. The Templars were just Mystics, the most they wanted to achieve was throw a bit more Light on the world. That's why they were Knights, there is a strict code of conduct. A real Knight does not tweet to the world, daily, to poo with her/his ego. Her? Yes. It's only Fair. I will call them Knightesses. They exist, and they've done a lot, like Mamma. Those who don't understand should refrain from judgement and subjective perception. As a rule, if you don"t know 100% all the premises, just shut the fuck up. Sometimes, as a stranger, you are ritefully not privy to the details. Not my fault. But, Know, that when you do fuck around, from subjective opinion, without knowledge of all the facts, to me, you are worst and uglier than a vulgar tick, not worth my attention, time, or energy. I am never aloof, i just ignore you, even when i hear you. I choose carefully where and when I want to use energy. Apperently my eyes unsettle a lot of people. Too bad. I look at the world the way and with the eyes God gave me. I was born making idiots and bullies unconfortable, when i look at them. Truth is, i am conscious of it, i try to tone down my gaze. But, sometimes, i don't care, it's not my fault if you are afraid to look at the world eyes wide opened. Sober or not, this is how i am, too bad for you. By the way, why do you have such a blank, superficial gaze at things? You look lost, guilty, and empty. There are no rules to be a free, sane, and adult human being, expressing her/himself. But, thank God, they are universal rules, inforced in La Hague, to prevent evil idiots, or corporation, no matter how big, from fucking with such a human being, for any self-righteous, or prifitable reason. It's a matter of time before those parasites get punished, adequately. As Jimmy Cliff, a big hero and inspiration to me sang: "the harder they try and the harder they'll fall...". I trust people, decent human beings, like D, to make sure that "they'll fall".

[ravioli-cats]

okay I just need to vent.

okay so I'm on an alternative spring break trip and it's really fun and good for the most part. I really love that I'm around people so much and that I get a lot of attention and that my time is filled like I'm always busy pretty much. But there are some things I'm feeling that I don't like so much. 1) there's one site we are volunteering at that (even tho they are an LGBT organization), I feel pretty uncomfortable at because they keep saying transphobic stuff and my interactions with the people that work at the organization just don't feel comfortable at all. 2) I love being able to be funny and goofy and myself but after the fact like when I lay in bed at night and think about it I feel so self conscious and like everyone on the trip actually hates me and thinks I'm annoying and complaining too much and it makes me want to just withdraw and not say anything but if I did that I would feel like shit so I just don't know what to do or how to act. I really like being around these people and they feel safe to be silly around but I always get doubts and that makes me question not only the people on this trip but also my friends back at school. Do they really like me or do they just tolerate me, ya know? I feel like I'm just so annoying and needy for attention and it makes me feel guilty and unloved and I even know that these thoughts aren't rational but I still feel it. It makes me either want to change my behavior and act like I did in high school when I was quiet and boring and miserable and wouldn't talk to people or try to be silly or friendly because I was sure everyone hated me anyway. It's so much better to just be able to be myself: crazy and silly and complains a lot and loves people and cares about people so fucking much. I just want to love everyone. I want to say I love you to everyone because I feel so good when I interact with people and guilty at the same time because I feel like I'm not good enough for them and that everyone is better than me so much so that I want to praise everyone. Everyone on my trip: I love you. All of my friends back at school: I love you. Etc. Like,,,,, I feel like it's weird but feeling connected to people is the only time I feel happy. Which leads me to 3) I don't want the trip to end. I feel like when this is over I'm going to be so lonely again. I shouldn't feel hopeless and depressed when I'm alone but I do, so so much. On this trip I have to many opportunities to be myself and connect with people in genuine ways because I am with people that I get along with pretty much 24/7 with very little alone time. And the thing is I KNOW that I can't be around people constantly. I feel the stress being here and not being able to be alone and I don't like it, but I think being around people constantly does more good than harm for me (depending on the people) because it makes me feel safe and cared about and feel like I have the ability to interact with people if I want to. When the trip is over I'm going to go home to school and be alone again most of the time. I'm going to feel that same feeling of feeling unloved and isolated and vulnerable, vulnerable in the sense that I'm not able to be myself with other people, not able to see my existence validated. When I'm alone I feel almost inhuman, like I don't really exist almost. When I am able to be myself around people and they react in a positive way I feel,,,, loved,,,,, valid,,,, empowered,,,, happy,,,, safe,,,,and real...human. I hate that I feel this way because it is too needy. I shouldn't need to be interacting with people to feel real, but I do. I think that for so long when I was in middle and high school I felt like I didn't even really exist. I spent every day going through the motions and trying to be unseen because I felt so worthless and insignificant. I felt nothing for so long and even tho I was alive I wasn't really existing. I would go through the day and not feel anything except empty, like I didn't belong anywhere or was allowed to really enjoy my life. When I went on trips for debate where I got to be myself and socialize with people I trusted is one of the only times when I would feel good. I feel like not much has changed. I only feel good when I'm hanging out with any of the people from my group of friends from school (especially a select few), or when I go to my trans support group and can be myself and socialize, or now on this trip with the people I'm with. I love feeling good and feeling happy when I am with people but it almost like I can't enjoy it to the fullest because I have SO MUCH self loathing and because I know it is going to end and I'm going to be lonely and feel like shit constantly when I go back to school. I just hate that I'm like this and that my dad and family and early life experiences fucked me up so much like this because I just want to be happy so badly and I know what it feels like but I feel like I'm just never going to get there. It just makes me kinda want to die. Like legitimately. I know most people would just say "oh just look forward to the next time you will get to feel good" but it doesn't work like that. The times when I am able to interact with people and feel good are not often enough to where I feel like the good times come enough to counteract the bad. Instead of looking forward to the good times I feel like I yearn for them like a starving person yearns for food, and while I am in the good times I am so anxious and depressed about the good times ending that I can't enjoy them fully. I just wish I was normal. My brain is so fucked up. Yet another reason I'm afraid I deserve to be so lonely. I'm too depressed and complicated. I SHOULD die because I'm a burden since I need so much attention and validation and I feel like dying would be less painful than my shitty depressing life with my fucked up brain and no one to talk about all this with other than the non-listening people of tumblr. Tbh I know this is so fucking long no one is going to read it but if anyone does and wants to talk to me please do because all this shit hurts so much and thinking about this stuff is the one thing that actually makes me cry in relation to myself. Like I can cry at emotional things happen externally from myself but not for myself. Except for this. I literally hate my life. Sorry about the rambling now onto the next thing. 4) this spring break trip is about LGBT awareness and one of the sites we are working at is a drop in center that provides services for LGBT people in detroit, ages 13-30. It's honestly so depressing and it keeps making me think about (as terrible as it sounds) how much I hate being trans. Living life as LGBT (esp trans or if you have an marginalized intersecting identity like race, class, ethnicity, ability status, immigration status etc.) is sooooo fucking hard. I feel like the government doesn't care about me at all and that's probably true tbh. beyond that though working at this site has also brought to my attention how much it sucks when your family doesn't accept you as an LGBT person, because the site mostly deals with homeless youth that got kicked out of their homes or had to leave because they weren't accepted and didn't feel safe. Not to make this about me because I know a lot of people, including the people that use the drop in center/shelter site I'm volunteering at, have it worse than me, but I have it hard too. I really don't want to go back to my hometown over this coming summer because I don't want to see my dad and I don't really want to live at home with my mom either. It's just so hard to be trans (aka MYSELF) around my family because they have such a hard time with it and it's so awkward and I truthfully don't feel safe and validated there. But I don't really have many other choices. I can't really afford to stay at college and work or take classes and even if I did I would be so fucking lonely that I honestly might die (see the whole long thing I did in number 3). I feel so trapped and unsafe and like I have no options and control over my life. Like, I know my mom and my sister and even my moms boyfriend care about me a lot, and I care about them, but I don't feel like I can stand to live there. Especially with my grandpa there, I really don't feel safe around him at all. I just don't know what to do. And I feel so stressed constantly about my dad. I feel like I have to tell him I'm trans AT SOME POINT like he will have to know eventually and I'm so so so so so so so so scared about it honestly it terrifies me more than almost anything. I honestly don't know if I could handle his reaction, because I dont really see it being positive. Even if he were to be fine with it there will never ever ever be a point where he would be able to address me in the way I want, just like I'm not sure that will ever happen with most of my extended family. I feel like I am hurting my family by being trans tbh. And I also feel like I am hurting myself and that's why I hate it. There are so many good things about being trans like being able to be myself and be COMFORTABLE being myself. Getting on hormones has been one of the greatest things. I actually feel so much more comfortable in my own skin and that makes me happier sometimes, but most of the time I still feel like shit. That's because there is still so much I feel uncomfortable about. My hips are too big, my chest is too big, I'm too fat, I'm too ugly, my voice goes higher sometimes, I don't always pass, my hair looks bad (although this is less of an issue since I've realized I'm trans and started transitioning and had short hair I usually love my hair but am still sometimes self conscious about it not looking right or male enough (which I know is stupid but it's how I feel) ), my nails grow too fast and are always too long, my face looks feminine, I have ~breasts~ that I will never be able to afford top surgery for and ~female genitalia~ that make it so I will never find an actual gay man that I love that will love me back (also because of all of my other l trans related body issues a guy will never love me ). My dsyphoria is so bad whenever I go to class or leave my apartment, or even when I'm in my apartment and certain people that I feel like I need to impress or pass for are there. It's also worse when I am in places where I am prone to be misgendered like when I'm at ~home~ with my family, or in class or out literally anywhere in public where people don't know me. Especially because I don't feel safe being trans. I don't feel safe going out in public not passing. I don't think I will be physically harmed but I'm so afraid that I will be misgendered like I actually was on this trip by people AT AN LGBT ORGANIZATION. it hurt so much and now being at that site and being on this trip with the people from my school that I'm doing this with I feel more dysphoria and more like I need to be extra masculine in order for my identity to be valid. Especially with the current political climate and everything that is happening in this world I just don't feel safe and valid so much of the time, even when I'm in places where I should feel safe and valid. like a few weeks ago in my one class where we had to read an article by a TERF and talk about it on an online discussion forum. People in my class were agreeing with and sympathizing with the TERF and it honestly felt so shitty. Not because I felt insecure about my identity, I'm not. I know I'm trans. I am a man. I am a man. I know I am a man. Nothing will change me being a man. It felt shitty because it just adds to me feeling so unloved. Unloved by my dad, unloved by my peers, unloved by society. I'm lonely and unloved. People hate me for being trans. People hate me for being myself, which is just so depressing for me because I LOVE people so much, as I've said before. I think people are beautiful and amazing and I don't understand how other people function and I loved how diverse people are. I love love love love so much my heart is so full of love and I feel like I dont get enough back. Instead I get constant messages of people invalidating my existence when they misgender me, or when the fuckhead president trump and republican fuckheads in office demonstrate just how much they don't care about trans kids/people. I just want to be loved. I want to be cared for because I care about people so fucking much and I give so much. I don't want to sound entitled but it think it deserve it. I love how it feels to be validated and to be loved and to feel happy. I want it more. I don't like feeling invalid, inhuman, unloved and even hated. I really really don't like it. Aside from all the things I've talked about above there are so many other things that make being trans so hard for me. Binding. One thing that helps me feel a little safer. A little more valid. A little more okay with my body. Currently all of my binders are broken. They don't work like they should. I am not as flat as I want to be. It makes me so self conscious and dysphoric every day. And wearing the binder hurts so much. On this trip I have been wearing it like 13-15 hours a day because I'm not even explicitly out to most of the people on this trip. And I am so sore. I've been doing a lot of physical work and I know wearing my binder for so long and doing physical work is not good for my body. I think though that the emotional and mental pain I would get from not wearing it would be much worse. If I could, I would even wear it to sleep because I am sleeping around all these people (tbh most of them are in the LGBT community and alllll of them are sympathetic to the issues because we are on a service learning trip to help LGBT people and learn more about LGBT issues, but I still don't feel comfortable enough. The only people I don't always wear my binder around on a regular basis are my roommate, her boyfriend because he's always over and I can't really avoid it and a person probably my closest friend at school because we are so much alike as she is such a great and supportive friends that I feel reallly extremely safe around) that I get along with very well but I still am so dysphoric that I don't feel comfortable enough with to not wear my binder. It make me sleep worse at night. I am so worried that someone will notice me more while I am sleeping or something. But I bind pretty much constantly when I'm not sleeping, at least while I'm on this alternative spring break, and it hurts. My body wants me to give up I think. I have to do my hormone shot in the morning and I'm really nervous about it because I'm on this spring break trip and not home. There is only 1 bathroom and 20 people staying at this place we are st so it's not feasible for me to do my shot in the bathroom so I'll have to find another spot to do it and it just makes me so self conscious and I feel guilty about it because I feel like if I were cis I wouldn't have to be such a bother about it and idk it's not really logical but it makes me feel some type of way and I'm not excited about it. Another thing I'm not happy about with being trans on this trip specifically is that since we are an LGBT awareness group and it's a service learning trip about LGBT issues and I'm the only trans person on the group I feel obligated to educate the others in the group. Even worse is that since I'm not even technically out to all of them (even though they probably know because I'm not sure how well I pass) it feels more awkward to be the one person that knows so much about trans issues AND having to talk about trans people as if it is a Group that im not in and feeling unable to share how my experiences impact me in relation to the volunteer work we are doing/experiences we/I are having and in relAtion to just me being trans in and of itself. Like, I want them to know about trans issues and benefit from the trip and understand trans issues better in general but i really hate that trAns people are always having to teach people and advocate for themselves. I am on this trip and doing work to help a community that I'm a part of because most of the time people outside of the community don't care enough to do the work and it fucking sucks. Having to "be political" constantly because my identity is political and feeling like I have to advocate for myself constantly and in more ways than cis people do is exhausting and hard to deal with on top of all of the other shit I'm going through. Part of that shit is that my name hasn't been changed yet and that my gender marker isn't changed yet. I forget about it until I get to work and my coworkers call me she and my old name and I see my old name everywhere, on the computer screen, on the shelfs of movies. I forget about it until I have to pay for something with my credit or debit card and I have to sign my legal name. I forget about it until I tell people that my roommate is a girl and when people assume I'm a cis male (aka when I pass) that confuses them and sometimes causes them to misgender me or it causes me to out myself. It is so frustrating and exhausting and just not fun at all. I laugh so much about every terrible situation I'm in and make it off to not be a big deal. Like when I was misgendered on the trip and I mentioned it to the group I laughed and swept it under the rug and shrugged it off and said that it was fine, but it really wasn't. It really doesn't feel fine and I don't feel fine about being at that site in the space where I was misgendered and being around people that keep saying problematic, invalidating, transphobic things. It really really really doesn't feel good and honestly I just want to be held and loved. But instead of saying that I laughed and didn't talk about it because I don't want to out myself and I don't want to be a burden to the people in this group that I'm on a trip with. My feelings aren't important enough to be talked about at length. But all this laughing things off is really starting to take a toll on me I think because I really really really really just want to talk to someone about all of this stuff and I can't avoid it anymore it's building up and if I continue to keep it all to myself I am going to have some sort of breakdown. I could talk about all of this with my therapist. Or about some of it with my group that I'm on this alternative spring break trip with. Or some of it with a friend. But my biggest fear is that I will let it all out like I'm doing now but in an actual conversation and people either won't care or just won't know what to do or how to help me. If I keep it inside I can maybe hold on to the hope that it can be fixed and all these irrational thoughts and feelings can go away but if I let it all out and nothing can be done to fix me or to help me that I would be so so broken. I think it would just take every ounce of hope I have left in me. I don't know if I could go on to be perfectly honest. I want so so desperately to talk about all of this stuff but I'm too afraid to. I really feel like most people don't care and the ones that do can't do anything to help me. I really feel like a lost cause. I'm am so lost and distraught with my life. Ive been holding in all of my thoughts since I was little partly because I was too afraid to talk to my dad when I was little. And then when I got older I was too afraid to talk to anyone. And then I high school whenever I tried to talk about something important (or even things that aren't important) to one of my friends, I always felt like I got talked over or ignored in favor of someone else or something else more important than me. I feel like I have never been anyone's favorite (other than my mom I suppose) person or favorite friend and that hurts too. It makes it that much harder for me to interact with people in casual ways let alone in significant ways. I don't know what to do. I guess just get up tomorrow and do my testosterone shot and take a shower and get dressed and interact with people and try to have fun and try not to think too much. Thinking hurts. Feeling hurts. I'm crying good thing everyone is asleep. No one will read this. As it should be probably. fuck my life.

#i'm having a really bad night #and I'm probably being dramatic #but this long ass post #is literally everything that is bothering me currently and most of the stuff that gets me down on a regular basis #I'm honestly so not okay #i wanna d*e #no one will read this tho it's fine 🙃 #I really wish I could kill myself #it would be easier than dealing with all the thoughts that are in my head constantly #this long post is most of it but not all of it #I feel like I'm going insane #holding all this inside constantly #I'm going to break soon #and it won't be pretty #I'm a horrible person

[thedesperatehousehusband]

Not Super on Time at this Point but Whatever

Sometimes I am not able to be as timely as I prefer with my posts. This is one of those times. I am still going to pontificate on the Super Bowl even though it was four days ago.

The outcome was appalling. I don’t care for the Patriots. I think Tom Brady is a douche. I think Gisele is the worst. I think Bill Belichick is smug and homeless looking all at the same time. That Julian Edelman is a stud though and even though Rob Gronkowski is dumb as a box of rocks, he’s really pretty funny. But more than that the Falcons should be deported. How do you blow a 25 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? You will never, ever live that down.

The Schuyler Sisters singing America the Beautiful was a delight. Look, y’all, more than just white people can sing patriotic songs! It’s like there’s diversity in this country or something. In stark contrast, white as fuck Luke Bryan sang the National Anthem. It was fine. He’s not the world’s best singer but he’s not the worst. I’m certain he’s helping to make America great again.

Halftime, halftime, halftime. Bring it, Gaga. I will not hear it if you don’t agree with me. That was the BEST halftime show in years and years. Certainly since Prince, may he rest in peace. Like her or not, the woman is a talent. I’m sure there was a backing track somewhere but for the most part ol’girl was singing. I feel like you could tell by how she was breathing. The dancing was kick ass. There were gays and brown people and all sorts of funky folks. Loved it more than my luggage.

Let’s discuss commercials. In a nutshell, they sucked donkey balls. There is nothing worse than mediocrity when it comes to Super Bowl ads. Most were mediocre at best.

1.       Google Home…a little overwrought.

2.       Michelin…been there, done there.

3.       Avocados from Mexico…the secret society has nothing to do with avocados. I laughed. But not for the right reasons and not having anything to do with the product being advertised.

4.       Mobile Strike with Arnold…I’m not a gamer. Maybe it resonates with the target. Maybe Arnold’s ratings are down. Maybe he released his taxes when he was governor of California. Maybe I just don’t care.

5.       H&R Block with IBM Watson…get every last deduction. Get errrry one. This one was decent. In the grand scheme of things, I’d give it a B+.

6.       Skittles…Romance? Is that what it was? Terrible.

7.       Busch Beer…Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh was very clever. But Busch? Really? How fucking white trash. At least AB didn’t rag on the craft beer industry. So there’s that. I’ll give it a B.

8.       American Petroleum Institute…Yep. I get it. Oil is a part of our lives and more that that, it makes things better. But ethanol is going to catch on. Bless my corns, I believe it to be true.

9.       GoDaddy…Rick Astley is trying to make a comeback. Good luck. D+.

10.   LifeWtr…I guess basically introducing a new product on the Super Bowl will generate awareness.  That’s a bazillion dollar gamble. Bully for you for taking a risk.

11.   Intel with Tom Brady…don’t care. D+.

12.   AirBnB…#weaccept. Sharp, sharp, sharp. Makes a nice statement but still feels on target and based on an insight. I’ll give it an A. One of the only A’s, in my opinion.

13.   World of Tanks…Fuck off.

14.   Yellow Tail…Another shitty booze brand. I get it though. Mass market products make sense. Honestly, Yellow Tail isn’t that bad. It was fun and was pretty cute. A-.

15.   Pirate’s Life…I’m not sure how you judge a movie trailer as a Super Bowl ad so I’ll just say I have NO interest whatsoever in this movie. Let the ship sink, Johnny. It’s over.

16.   Pistacchios…Who doesn’t love elephants? It was decent. Final grade = B-.

17.   Buick…with Cam Newton. I guess it was fine. I don’t really like him. He’s kind of a brat. Sack up and don’t whine, you big baby. One must be careful with celebrities. They can be polarizing.

18.   Logan…another trailer. I’m intrigued. I like that it’s rated R. Maybe that means a little full frontal from Hugh Jackman. I wouldn’t complain.

19.   T Mobile…with the Biebs, Gronk and TO. T Mobile is trying to make themselves happen. Who uses T Mobile? It reminds of the final few holdouts who wouldn’t give up their Blackberrys.  Meh,

20.   Honda CRV…chasing dreams. I get it. Potentially overly aspirational for a pretty affordable car but at least it had some sort of strategy behind it.

21.   Bai Bai…with JT and Christopher Walken. At this point all I can remember about Bai Bai is the celebrs in the spot. I think it’s food or beverage. Or maybe feminine hygiene or maybe toilet bowl cleaner. Fail.

22.   Transformers: Rise of the What the Fuck Ever…nope.

23.   Tide..with Terry Bradshaw. I didn’t hate it. That’s saying a lot.

24.   Sprint….I can’t read my notes so I don’t know what this ad was about. My bad.

25.   Coca Cola…tying it all back to food makes sense. I have very strong correlation between eating at McDonald’s and Coke. An A- for sure.

26.   The Handmaid’s Tale…should I know what this is? I’m slightly intrigued and slightly nonplussed.

27.   WeatherTech…America. Fuck yeah.

28.   Febreeze…something having to do with halftime. I don’t remember anymore. I should have written this sooner.

29.   Alfa Romeo…I guess we’re trying to make Alfa Romeo happen in the US. Good luck. I’m not sure now is the best time to introduce a foreign product in this country.

30.   Michelob Ultra…95 calories and you can still do Crossfit when you drink it. Feels like a streeeeeetch.

31.   TurboTax….Humpty Dumpty. A decent attempt at humor. But I have no interest in seeing this spot 100,000 times. Hopefully they don’t run it as part of their regular ad rotation.

32.   Lexus…nothing interesting or different or new. Could have been any Lexus add on during any other show. Make it special. Or at least try.

33.   Fate of the Furious…money talks and that’s why Charlize Theron is in this movie.

34.   Squarespace…with John Malkovich. I don’t really understand what one does on or with Squarespace. Maybe that means the ad wasn’t meant for me.

35.   Wendy’s…othrguys.com. Decent. But Wendy’s will never be chosen ahead of McDonald’s in my world.

36.   Xfinity…I don’t care.

37.   The Hammer Insurance…WTF?

38.   Kaplan University…Really?

39.   Arby’s…2 for $5. Seriously? An offer during the Super Bowl? That’s just dumb,

40.   Menard’s…save big money. This was probably a regional insertion that not everyone saw.

41.   Audi…equal pay for women. This has caused quite a stir because apparently Audi as a corporation has a pretty shitty track record with female pay and female representation at the senior exec level. Ooopsie poopsie. Don’t try to take a social stand when you can’t internally back it up.

42.   Mr. Clean…the man who cleans. In my opinion, this was the very best spot of the Super Bowl. A VERY clear insight. A VERY clear benefit. A VERY clear target. A+++++++++.

43.   Snickers…the live spot with Adam Driver was a gimmick. Gimmicks rarely work. This did not work.

44.   Anheuser Busch…immigration and August Busch coming to the states. I liked it. It told a nice story. Was ironically very topical and relevant even though AB shot the spot 3 months ago and couldn’t have possibly known about the whole travel ban insanity. But, of course, August Busch was white and that makes it OK…..no offense to AB. That’s a dig on errrrything else.

45.   T Mobile…with Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg. Can-o-bisque or cannabis? Get it? That’s almost clever. But what does it have to do with cell phones? Nothing. Fail.

46.   Persil..with Bill Nye the Science Guy. I guess we’re still trying to make Persil happen in the States. I’m not sure this spot is going to push them over the edge.

47.   Kia…with Melissa McCarthy. She’s comedy gold. This sorta kinda worked.

48.   Stranger Things 2…we just watched the pilot episode. Loved it. This is apropos of nothing.

49.   The Walking Dead…They need to bulk up the ratings since people fled like crazy given the completely bleak first half of this season. I concur that it was all a bit much but there ain’t so sunshine and rainbows in the zombie apocalypse.

50.   Fiji…earth’s finest water. I see what you did there. A solid B.

51.   Baywatch…apart from Zac Efron’s body this movie just looks terrible.

52.   Alfa Romeo…see number 29.

53.   T Mobile…with 50 Shades of Grey or Darker or Whatever. Make it stop!

54.   Wix.com…with Jason Statham and Gal Gadot. I do not know what one does with or on Wix.com.

55.   Turkish Airlines…moving free. Not bad and by this point, I’m pretty much over the whole thing so anything that even makes sense is going to be viewed favorably.

56.   Alexa…with My Girl. Not horrendous. That’s positive when considering the amount of dreck.

57.   T Mobile..data limits. I literally can’t even with T Mobile.

58.   Nintendo Switch…I don’t care about video games but this looked relatively cool.

59.   Spuds McKenzie…Bring that dead dog back to life, Bud Light. Nothing better than a recycled icon and the ghost of a deceased pit bull.

60.   Mercedes…I don’t really remember anything about this spot except that it featured Patty the Daytime Hooker who was a character on My Name is Earl. I love that actress. She is simply the best actress working in Hollywood in her ability to play white trash.

61.   Alfa Romeo…the third time is the charm. Except it’s not. No more. See number 29 and 52.

62.   Sprite…with Lebron James. Much as I love Lebron James, I am nearly positive this was not a new spot and the Coca Cola Company can pony up for a new spot for the Super Bowl. That’s cheap.

63.   KFC…something having to do with gold. Meh.

64.   Tide…another go. That’s a lot of Tide for one Super Bowl.

And that’s that. Super Bowl LI is in the books and we have a few months without football. But that’s OK because March Madness is juuuuuuuust about to knock on my door. That shit is my jam.

[anangryally-blog]

I'm very pissed off.

I learned a lot about patience and empathy when I was young.

I remember my mom pulling imaginary patience out of her heart and tossing it to me when she could tell I was low on it. She would toss it across the room and even though it was invisible I could actually feel it working. I’d go from emotional to stable with just a few handfuls. Real, live magic. Of course now I understand it was a placebo effect. This understanding, though disappointing, has given me the confidence to understand my emotions and do my best to control how I react to them. I’m not always good at taking the ‘high road’. I do not always choose to be calm. I argue. I get emotional. Typically I do what most people do - I make a decision and my pride glues me to it no matter how right or wrong it is. The tragedy of being human. But often I struggle to commit to a single belief or side because “what if I’m wrong?” Shouldn’t we all be asking that question? I want so badly to do what’s right but what’s right for me can be wrong for someone else.

At least I know that much.

I’m not sure what to say right now about everything happening in our country. It’s very difficult to remain composed, smart, and thoughtful when you’re simultaneously outraged. I can’t picture my moms handfuls of patience being thrown in my direction and I find it impossible to see the other side. I think I’m right, but what’s right for me might not be right for someone else.

Right?

I’m not so sure anymore. Sometimes there IS a right and a wrong and no grey space in between.

I got labeled a liberal or a democrat or a hippie or whatever else I’ve been told I am because of my focus on people. Had nobody ever thrown those labels at me I’d be hanging out somewhere in the middle. When my dad was a State Representative I’d hear him talk about all the political drama amongst the other reps. He would bring up controversial bills they were going over. Sometimes he’d talk about one and I’d think, “I don’t know what the issue is there, that one seems pretty great.” The republicans are for that one. Oh. “I don’t know what everyone’s whining about with this one, it seems very helpful.” The democrats are for that one. I see.

Sometimes politics obsess over money. Sometimes politics obsess over people. Lately it seems to be obsessing over the need to choose one over the other. This is where my composure gets a bit lost. This is where my label gets put on me. I am a dirty dirty liberal because I choose people. I will always choose people. I sincerely do not understand how I could be wrong here.

I have never been in a position where someone told me I couldn’t do something, until recently when some of my rights became threatened because I am a woman — a rant for another time. Can I get married to the person I love? Yes. Can I go to school? Yes. Can I see a police officer and know he or she will protect me? Pretty confidently. Can I travel the world? Yes. Even despite speaking only one language? Yes.

What would I do if anything in my life was taken from me from a total stranger?

…What would YOU do?

Call me overreactive, but I would be So. Fucking. Angry. If a stranger told me I couldn’t do something that had absolutely nothing to do with his or her life I would want to hurt that person. I would feel violent. Protective. Confused. Misunderstood.

I have the privilege to say, “fuck you, this is my life.” I have the privilege to not NEED to consider these questions. I have the privilege of knowing my family is safe and happy.

I could choose to be silent during times of injustice. I have the privilege of making that choice even though I’m aware that not everyone around me has the same comforts.

But I don’t choose to simmer down.

Because I’m not a piece of shit.

I’m a fucking human and so are you and so are 7 billion others. Seven. Billion. Seven billion adorable, tiny babies have been brought into this world and cried and laughed and grown up.

Not a single one of these 7 billion asked to be here. Not a single one requested to be born into any particular life.

Call me a crazy, illiterate, liberal bitch but my brain cannot grasp how some people think it’s FINE to fuck with another persons life FOR NO REASON.

And don’t give me a single “reason” that has to do with money or a book or petty personal preferences, because if it doesn’t directly affect the roof over your head, the clothes on your back, or the people you love, then it doesn’t fucking matter.

I am sick of being patient, calm, cool, collected, composed, indifferent, and peaceful. I am sick of saying, “Oh woah I’m sorry I forgot to fact check that part of this issue. I didn’t realize it was going to be so detrimental to your livelihood to let a gay man marry the love of his life. I didn’t realize saving boat loads of drowning children from Syria was going to make your house too crowded. It must have escaped me that all your efforts toward helping EVERY kid have a good life is compromised now because so many of them are being aborted. I can’t believe I forgot to think about the effectiveness of a wall while I ignorantly considered putting my tax dollars instead toward free education for all the non-aborted kids. I’m out of line, I’ll go do some more reading.”

Enough of that.

Fuck you guys. Seriously fuck every single person who thinks any of the inhumane things Donald Trump and his supporters are doing is okay. Fuck every single person who has the audacity to say “Liberals want free handouts” as if none of you have ever needed any kind of support EVER in your lives. And if you’ve never needed support then it means you were given hand outs PROBABLY FROM WEALTHY RELATIVES.

I don’t have any patience left because I am educated. Has anyone ever taken a history course? Has anyone ever been taught that history repeats itself? Does nobody care about the parallels between Hitler’s agenda and Trump’s agenda? Has anyone researched psychology? Does anybody know about the Stanford Prison Experiment? Did you comprehend the results and what they told us about human behavior? Have you heard of the phenomenon the “Bystander Effect”?

I don’t have any patience left because I am empathetic and I don’t live in a magical little bubble all by myself. I don’t separate my humanity from the humanity of another human because read those words and recognize how fucking absurd it would be to do that. It’s important to me to occasionally think “what would I ACTUALLY do if I were in their shoes?” Because I am a liberal bitch who is on the right side of history and I’m definitely not going to see a side that promotes oppression and regression.

I don’t have any patience left because I am American and I fucking love what my country was meant to stand for. Remember the statue of liberty? Do you remember where she came from (hint, she is not made in America)? Do you know what she stands for? Remember how we got here? You know how fun it is to go on ancestry.com and find out all the different countries your great great grandparents came from? WE ARE ALL IMMIGRANTS AND REFUGEES. Do you know the difference between the words UNITED and DIVIDED. Guess which one we chose to put in front of our country? UNITED. Remember?

I don’t feel comfortable living my happy life day to day anymore when so many people are affected by the political corruption. Do our politics not reflect our ethics? So many people keep telling me to forget about the politics. Stop worrying, Have hope. Don’t get so mad at the people you love for supporting different things.

I’m not pissed off at people because they are republican. I’m not pissed off at people because they voted for a candidate they thought would give us palpable, necessary change. I’m not pissed off that people are protective of our borders and of our economy. I’m not pissed off that we keep an eye out for terrorists. I’m not pissed off that people don’t want their hard earned money to go to someone else.

I’M PISSED OFF BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE OKAY WITH HURTING OTHER PEOPLE. I’M PISSED OFF BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PRETENDING SOME OF US ARE SOMEHOW BETTER THAN OTHERS.

I’m not angry about politics. I’m angry about ethics. And I don’t give a fucking shit if we are related by blood or if we have known each other for twenty years or if you volunteer at the animal shelter on the weekends. I don’t want anything to do with anybody at this point who thinks it’s okay that our president is not-so-slowly following in the footsteps of a man who gave us our largest genocide in history. I don’t want anything to do with anybody who thinks it’s okay to prevent me from getting birth control or from stopping an unwanted pregnancy. I don’t want anything to do with anybody who thinks it’s okay that racism is still an enormous issue. Nothing that’s happening right now is okay. And me trying to understand how that escapes so many people is like trying to justify slavery, the holocaust, rape, murder, child abuse, and everything else that we KNOW is wrong. There is no grey area in there. This isn’t a situation where we ponder the different sides. This isn’t about economics or politics.

I don’t support violent protests. But I don’t support silence either. I don’t want terrorists here. But I refuse to label 5 year old Syrian children as terrorists.

I don’t tend to be an extremist in any way except that right now I’m extremely protective of the people around me who don’t have my same privileges for the dumbest fucking reasons in the universe. I am unapologetically at a zero tolerance point right now. I am in FULL ally mode. I will not choose to live my life regularly because I get to. I am going to utilize my position to be here for all the people around me as best I can. I’m not going to stop complaining. I am not going to dramatically move to Canada because I actually want to make America great again, but for real this time and not on Trumps hateful agenda.

This is a terrible time for our country. And if you don’t see that, open your fucking eyes. And if you’re okay with that, remove yourself from my life because we no longer have any reason to be connected. You are supporting a divided frame of mind and the only part of that I support is you dividing yourself from me.

And if you’re scared or pissed off or confused or trying to figure out how to help, I’m here doing the same thing, always available to talk and find solutions.

I might not be able to create any huge difference, but I’m an ally for refugees, minorities, women, LBGTQ, everyone! My eyes are open always when I’m out and about and I am more than ready to stand my ground for both myself and my peers. I stand behind what I believe in and I’m done being patient.

So if you must keep asking when we will accept this presidency or when we will calm down or why I am still up and arms about everything or how on earth I can shut people out for mere politics, understand that to me and many other people in this country (and also the world) this is about ethics. And we won’t go away until it stops.

This will be in history books just like all the other shitty, unethical events our country has dealt with. Which side of history will you choose to be on?

#politics #ethics #opinion #history #right side of history #ally #human rights #7 billion #refugees #fuck Trump #impeach trump #empathy #allies #united #America #rant