#and I’m definitely not afraid at all about how I haven’t told Millie about my current shitty mental health or the plans for an intensive | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chickensarentcheap · 4 years

Text

Best Part of Me -Chapter 27

Warnings: toxic parent and adult child relationship

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @alievans007

She introduces herself as Bonnie. A tall, slender woman with striking features; steel gray eyes and short cropped silver hair and high cheekbones. And Tyler doesn’t think much of until she adds, “your father’s special friend”. He vaguely remembers her...or at the very least someone resembling her...standing on the front porch of the old family home. The day he’d taken Millie to see the old man before they left for Mumbai. At that time there’d been no possibility of returning to Australia; Amir Asif’s people had found out he was still alive and were out for revenge and knew exactly where to find him. Going to his father’s that day had been a last-ditch effort to hash things out and patch them up. Or so he’d thought.

“You don’t remember me, do you,” Bonnie comments, as they linger on the front porch following introductions. And he wants to tell her that there’s some days he doesn’t remember what he did ten minutes ago, never mind what happened years ago. A side effective of not only the tremendous blood loss on the Sultana Kamal Bridge, but his brain being starved of oxygen during the times he’d flat lined in the operating room. “I was there the day you came to see your father at the old home,” she continues. “Five...six years ago.”

“Almost six,” Tyler confirms. Millie had only been two months old then. Three weeks before they’d found out Esme was pregnant again. They wouldn’t be told it was twins for another three months. It feels like a lifetime ago.

“I was there too,” Millie pipes up. Always confident, never shy or afraid to engage with complete strangers. Sociable, to a fault. “Do you remember me?”

Bonnie crouches down; a gentle hand on Millie’s shoulder as she engages with her eye to eye. “I peeked in on you through the window. You were just a tiny little thing. I remember you had blond hair then. And your feet were bare, and you had the cutest little toes. Amelia, right?”

Those big blue eyes widen in surprise and delight. “You remember my name? That was a long time ago.”

“I used to be a teacher. I used to have to remember a lot of names. Old habits die hard. Your grandfather remembers your name, too. He woke up very excited this morning knowing that he was going to see you today.”

Tyler can’t stop the doubtful smirk that tugs at the corner of the mouth, and he feels his wife dig her elbow into his side when she notices it.

“Really?” Millie’s smile grows, crinkling the corners of her eyes and the bridge of her nose. “I made him something. My birthday’s coming. I’m going to be six.”

Tyler’s shoulders immediately tense at the mere mention of that age, and he anxiously shifts his weight from one foot to the other. It’s irrational of course; the fear that Millie will wake up the morning of the big day and will have come down with something horrible and untreatable. But his brain isn’t exactly being rational these days.

“I want grandpa to come to my party,” Millie says. “So I made him this...” she unzips the plush unicorn knapsack she has slung over one shoulder. She’s quite eclectic today; the bag and the baby blue ‘princess dress’ with ruffles and frills and those dirty old Spiderman sandals. And she pulls out a handmade card and shows it to Bonnie. “Daddy helped me,” she proudly chirps. “It’s got sparkles and stickers of kittens and unicorns and butterflies and all the stuff I like. Even glitter. Lots of glitter. Do you think he’ll like it?”

“It’s beautiful,” Bonnie gushes. “I think he’ll love it. Do you want to go and give it to him?”

“By myself?” For once Millie sounds hesitant, and she looks up at her father, followed by her mother, then curls all her fingers around two of Tyler’s and leans into his legs. “I don’t think I want to go by myself.”

“I’ll go with her,” Esme speaks up, and then takes the baby carrier from Tyler. “She probably has to go to the bathroom anyway and Addie definitely needs a diaper change.”

He lays a hand on the small of her back and presses a soft kiss to her cheek. Things have been better since his meltdown in the middle of the road; surprisingly rational and calm considering how powerful and near crippling the anxiety and panic had been. And they haven’t talked about it or the issues surrounding it since. He knows it’s inevitable; he owes her an explanation for why he’s been so fucked up and on edge the last few days. It’s a conversation that has to happen –including the desperate cravings for the meds and the booze- but he is absolutely dreading. It isn’t the first time that he’s felt like he was slipping; he’d fallen off the wagon more than once during his various attempts at sobriety during the past six and a half years. But this time he knows there will be no more chances. If he fucks up, that’s it. He loses everything. And that’s the most terrifying thought of all.

“First and last?” Bonnie inquires, when Esme takes an uncharacteristically nervous Millie by the hand and escorts her inside. “The girls? First and last children?”

He nods. “There’s three more in between though. All boys.”

“That’s quite the brood. A big family for this day and age.”

“What can I say?” he gives a shrug. “It’s one of the few things we’ve actually agreed on in the past seven years. Wanting a big family.”

Three had been the original limit; none of them planned. Most had come as a complete shock. The twins being quickly after Millie was born, Declan making his presence known despite the fact his mother had been on birth control at the time. Millie came about during an unconventional time, but she hadn’t been that much of a surprise; complete absence of any form of protection over the course of five days meant it would have been more a shocked had if Esme hadn’t gotten pregnant. Addie was the only one that had been somewhat considered; they’d agreed on a fifth without knowing that she’d already been conceived.

“Your father couldn’t remember for sure,” Bonnie says. “He knew for sure that there were two of three. And he knows there’s two little girls. That’s a good day for him, when he remembers that much. A very good day.”

Tyler just nods. Hand shoved the pockets of his jeans, eyes on his feet. He knows he should feel something when it comes to his old man’s illness. Or at the very least he should express some kind of sorrow or even remorse for letting the years pass by without attempting to mend fences. But he feels nothing. At least none when it comes to his father. But the nightmare the night before has left him feeling many things towards and FOR his mother. And for that terrified little boy that had spent years cowering in his bedroom closet.

“I know things haven’t always been easy between you and your father,” Bonnie sympathizes. “That things were strained between the two of you.”

“That’s what he told you?”

“He said you were a difficult child. That it only got worse as you got older. Especially into your teen years. That you were very smart but acted out a lot. That you were always misbehaving at school and...”

“I was difficult, was I,” Tyler gives a small, dry laugh. “I wonder why that was.”

“I know you had your troubles. With discipline and authority. And controlling your emotions. I know...”

“You don’t know shit,” he interjects. “Is that what he told you? That I was a bad kid? That I was out of control? That’s what he said to you?”

“It’s understandable,” she attempts to lay a comforting hand on his forearm, but he scowls and yanks it away. “You lost your mother at a young age. That’s a tremendous loss. It’s not surprising you started acting out.”

“You’re not blaming this on my mother,” he can’t control the vehemence that creeps into his voice. Or the way his fists continuously clench and release. And that tightness in his chest returns; a vice tightening around his heart and squeezing at his lungs. “There’s no way you can blame this on her.”

“I’m certainly not blaming her for dying. I’m simply saying it takes its toll on loved ones. Especially those so young.”

“He used to beat the shit out of her. Did you tell you THAT? That he used to get drunk nearly every day after work and come home and put his hands on her? Did he tell you that I’d hide in the closet listening to the whole thing? I was a little kid. Millie’s age. Even younger when it started. And that’s what I dealt with. Almost every goddamn day until the day she died. I bet he didn’t tell you all that, did he.”

“He told me they argued. That they had their quarrels.”

“Arguments don’t cause black eyes and busted lips and concussions and trips to the hospital.”

“It’s not my place to judge. I don’t know what happened in the past between your father and your mother. And you were a little boy and you only HEARD these things. You don’t know for sure what happened.”

“When I was nine, he figured I was old enough to see what was going on. He used to make me watch; used to threaten to beat my ass or hurt her even worse if I didn’t. He wanted me to see how a ‘real man controls his woman’ and how he ‘rules his house’. So I did see it. And when she died, I was the one who took over the role as his favorite punching bag; the one that he took all his shit out on. You don’t know what happened.”

“You’re right. I wasn’t. But...”

“You weren’t there. But I was. I lived through it. Until I got too big and strong and I was able to put fear into him for a change. So don’t fucking stand there and tell me I was a ‘difficult kid’. You have no clue what growing up in that house was like.”

“And now you’re here for what? Revenge? That why you reached out after all these years?”

“He called me first. A week ago, when he needed some shit done around here. And you know what, I showed up and I did it. No questions asked. I’m here because my kids should probably get to know him before it's too late. I’m not here for revenge. I’m not here to make him for what he’s done. He either won’t remember of if he does, won’t give a fuck. I’m here for my kids. Not for me. Not for him. For my kids.”

“So you have nothing to say to him?”

“I have tons I want to say to him. A shit load of stuff I’ve been holding onto for years. But what good is going to do? He’s never regretted a goddamn thing that he did to me or to my mum. So what good will it do? It won’t do fuck all.”

“You have a lot of anger inside of you,” Bonnie observes.

“You think?”

“You haven’t had an easy life, have you. You’ve spent years with all of that anger inside of you. Trying to find a way to either get it out or cope with it. I can see it in your eyes; you’ve seen a lot of horrible things.”

“I’ve done a lot of horrible things,” Tyler admits. “To people who deserved it.”

“In the military.”

“In other jobs too.”

“What kind of other jobs?”

“Jobs that paid me damn good money and let me pretend it was my father I was beating on.”

Bonnie blinks at his brutal honesty.

“You don’t know anything about me. About the things I’ve seen. The things I’ve done. The life I’ve lived. You only know what he’s told you. About his failure of a son who fucked up his life and abandoned his dying kid and had his marriage fall apart. I’m sure that’s the picture he’s painted of me, isn’t it?”

She nods.

“I nearly died seven years ago. On a dirty fucking bridge in Bangladesh. I came this close..." he holds his thumb and forefinger half an inch apart. “...to dying that day. And for some reason, I’m still here. After all the shitty things I’ve done. I got a second chance. I’ve got a wide and kids and a pretty damn good life. But I bet he never mentions that; the good things I’ve done. Because he doesn’t see me that way. He just sees me as a fuck up. The kid he never wanted; some burden that was dropped in his lap. So don’t stand here and pretend you know who I am or what I’m about. No disrespect, but you know shit.”

“Daddy!” Millie bursts through the screen door, and his fists immediately open, and his shoulders relax.

She’s been through enough today; she doesn’t need to see him in that kind of state. Her face is glowing, and her eyes are big and bright; she’s full of childhood exuberance and excitement. And she’s perfect and innocent and she deserves so much better than he can ever possibly give her.

“Daddy look!” she holds out her left hand; a highly polished silver dollar nestled in her palm. “Look what grandpa gave me! It’s from the year I was born. He went to the bank and got it special just for me!”

He knows that Esme has sent her out there; that when he hadn’t followed shortly behind and joined them in their visit that she’d immediately assumed the worst and was worried he’d have another ‘episode’. That Millie would be the quickest and easiest way to get him down of whatever edge he was teetering on. And it’s worked; those big blue eyes sparkling up at him and that little voice and the way the word ‘daddy’ sounds when it comes out of her mouth. It’s always so sweet. So genuine. And he can remember the first time she’d ever intentionally said it as baby; just shy of her first birthday, standing in her crib and reaching up for him and nearly making him cry.

“That’s pretty cool,” he gives her a smile and lays a hand on top of her head. “You’ll have to put it somewhere safe when we get home. Where your brothers won’t find it.”

She nods in agreement and tucks it into his pocket for safe keeping. Then looks up at him with her head cocked to the side, eyes narrowing. “Are you going to cry? You look like you’re going to cry.”

“I’m fine,” he assures her, and combs his fingers through hair; letting the thick, soft tresses slip between his fingers. “Just tired. It wasn’t a good night last night.”

“Daddy doesn’t sleep good sometimes,” Millie informs Bonnie, then wraps both of her arms around one of his thighs and leans against him. “He has a lot of hurts. From the bad guys.”

“Okay...” Tyler gives an uncomfortable laugh. “...we don’t need to talk about the bad guys.”

“He used to rescue good people from bad people,” she continues. “And he got hurt a lot when he did. And he almost died! Before he even found out I was in mommy’s tummy. He almost died and mommy almost had me all by herself and I never would have met him, and he never would have met me and...”

“That’s enough,” he scoops her up with one arm and settles her on his lip. “Bonnie doesn’t want to hear about that. Boring stories about my old job.”

“Daddy used to beat people up. He even killed some of them.”

“Amelia...please...” he presses a kiss to the side of her head. “...no more, okay? We don’t talk about that stuff. Especially with strangers.”

“Bonnie’s not a stranger. She’s grandpa’s girlfriend. So that makes her my grandma, right? I mean, other than the mean one in Colorado. She’s horrible,” she says the last part to Bonnie. “She’s so mean. I don’t like her. I’m glad we don’t' see her anymore. She makes mommy cry and then daddy gets mad and tells her off. My mean grandma, not mommy.”

“You don’t have a grandma,” Tyler reminds her. “She died a long time ago. When I was little.”

“Bonnie can be my grandma if she wants. I don’t mind.”

“I wouldn’t object to that,” the woman in questions says, smiling as she reaches out to cup Millie’s face in her palm. Fingertips grazing her cheek before Tyler steps away, breaking all contact. “I never had children of my own, so I don’t have any grandkids and...”

“Let’s go visit,” he suggests, cutting her off before she can finish. There’s no way in hell that this woman...whoever the hell she is and whatever role she plays in his father’s life...could ever fill those shoes. “Then we go and get lunch. Sound good?”

“Sounds good,” Millie agrees, then wraps an arm around his neck and places a kiss on his cheek as he steps past Bonnie and into the house.

****

The visit has gone surprisingly well; the old man in good spirits, doting on his granddaughters and spending the majority of his time cuddling the baby and reminiscing about the few rare good times that had existed in Tyler’s childhood. And he’d attempted to smile at the memories and offer his own commentary, but they’d only left a bitter taste in his mouth and a tightness in his jaw and throat.

He’s been unable to stop the continuous loop playing in his brain, the sights and the sounds from the vivid and heartbreaking nightmare. He hadn’t wanted to hear about the bonfires on the beach or the roasting of marshmallows within their flames. He hadn’t given a shit about the odd family camping excursions they’d take along the Gold Coast. Those memories had been too rare. Too fleeting. And now that he’s an adult and can look back on the situation, Tyler knows the old man only engaged in those activities to give his mother and himself a false sense of security; so she’d stay in the marriage under the pretense that things were getting better, only to have them fall apart again weeks later. It’s how his father had kept her around; always promising to change and making noticeable improvements before resorting back to being the monster he was.

There’d be more horrible times than good ones. And it makes him sick that the old man refuses to even acknowledge that or take responsibility for what he’d done.

“When did Sarah dye her hair?” His father asks now, as they sit side by side on the back patio, watching as Bonnie gives Esme and Millie a tour of the various flower and vegetable gardens.

Sarah. His ex-wife. Who’d couldn’t possibly be any different from Esme if she tried. Tall, on the thicker side, green eyes and long blond hair. And it didn’t end there. Sarah was boisterous and loud; obnoxious even. Needy and clingy and constantly needing validation. Someone who prided themselves on being strong and independent when they were anything but.

“Dad, that’s not Sarah,” he attempts to be as calm as possible while correcting him. “Sarah and I haven’t been together in sixteen years.”

Any mention of his ex brings back a lot of hostility; both towards her and to himself. He’d done a shitty thing; abandoning Austin when he was dying. And he’d never forgive himself for that. But their marriage had been strained and troublesome from day one; she hated being a soldier’s wife and was very vocal about it. It hadn’t taken her long to start fucking other guys while he was deployed, and he probably would have left as soon as it started had she not ended up pregnant and he’d not believed her when she’d insisted the baby was his.

“That’s Esme,” he continues. “You came to our wedding, remember? At the same place you and mum got married. By the opera house.”

Bonnie had explained this could happen; coherent one moment, not remembering a damn thing the next. And Tyler had long ago made a vow to himself –after a neurologist had explained his own brain issues following the Dhaka incident- that if he ever got THAT bad, he’d put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

Confession clouds the old man’s eyes. “How long have you been married to her?”

“Six and a half years.” Sometimes it seems like six months, other times it feels like sixty years. So much as has happened during that time: leaving for Australia for Mumbai and winding up back in Dhaka. Taking custody of Ovi and moving to Colorado. Michael McMann and the bullshit in Ireland and then New Zealand. Five kids and a trial separation he’d been one hundred percent sure was going to turn into a divorce. And not in that order.

“And the little girl?”

“That’s my daughter. Amelia. And this is Adeline,” he lays a hand on the baby’s back as she sleeps soundly along his thighs, stomach down.

“Like your mother.”

Tyler nods, struggling with the bitterness and the anger that eats away at him. That the old man-despite all the heartache and damage he’s caused over the years- has managed to live such a long life while his mother’s had been tragically cut short. It’s what pisses him off the most; that the punishment for all the beatings and all the vile, degrading things he’s ever said has taken so fucking long to arrive.

“It’s a beautiful name,” his father muses, a soft smile on his lips as he watches the activity in the garden; Millie crouched in the grass, giggling as a chipmunk eats sunflower seeds out of her palm and Esme takes a video of the moment. “A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. I remember when I first saw her. Those blue eyes of hers and those long lashes and that red hair of hers...” he gives a happy sigh. “...she took my breath away.”

Tyler wonders if it’s the dementia talking or if the old man is telling the truth; if he actually did feel that way when they first met.

“Her brother introduced us,” he continues. “We were in the army together. I’ve told you that, yeah?”

Tyler nods.

“Brought me to his place when we were on a leave. That’s how we met. Your mother and me. Through him. She was sitting in the backyard, reading a book under a tree. And she looked up and smiled at me and it was like my heart stopped beating and the earth stood still. You ever felt like that?”

He smiles as he looks across the yard, at where his wife is taking her turn at feeding the chipmunk; showing even more excitement and wide-eyed enthusiasm and wonder than Millie had. He feels it now in the same way he’d felt it seven years ago when she’d walked into his place in the outback; he’d never met anyone like her and knew he never would again.

“All the time,” Tyler says. “Every time I look at her.”

“It’s an amazing feeling, innit? Especially when they smile at you or they take your hand or touch your arm. And how they sometimes look at you like you’re the most incredible guy on the face of the earth, even when you’re feeling anything but.”

He nods. He’d experienced that last night when he’d had the nightmare and the panic attack that had accompanied it. And in the middle of the road that very afternoon when he’d had the ‘meltdown’. She never judges him; tending to him with the same kind of tenderness and patience that she uses with the kids. Sticking by him through insurmountable amounts of bullshit and heartbreak. Always looking at him like he’s the strongest, bravest man in the world; always trusting him with her life and the lives of their children. Even when he feels like a complete and utter failure.

“You love her.” It’s more a statement than a question.

“With everything I am and everything I have,” he admits.

“So you got this one right, at least. Didn’t go so right the first time, did it.”

Tyler smirks. He knew it could only last so long, the fond reminiscing and the touching words. “No,” he agrees. “It didn’t.”

“You did a horrible thing, you know. Taking off like that. I don’t care what your reasons were. You never abandon your own like that.”

He nods slowly, taking in his father’s words. It’s nothing he hasn’t said to himself a million times over the past sixteen years. There isn’t a vicious word that he hasn’t called himself, no end to the guilt and the regret that he feels. It’s a cross to bear; one he’ll carry for the rest of his life.

“Hope it doesn’t happen again,” the old man sighs. “When something goes wrong. Because you’ve got a good thing there and if you walk away again...”

“I fucked up. Is that what you want to hear me say? That I royally fucked things up and I feel horrible about it? Is that what you want to hear? That I hate myself and I’ll probably hate myself until the day I die? That’s what you want me to say, yeah?”

“It’s nice to hear a little remorse come out of you.”

“You’re going to get on my ass about remorse? You? Of all people?” Tyler scoffs. “That’s rich. That’s really fucking rich.”

His father’s eyes narrow. “You don’t talk to me like that, boy.”

“First of all, I’m not your boy. I’m a grown ass man. With a wife and kids. Second, I’ll talk to you any goddamn way I want.”

His voice is louder and tone harsher than he’d intended, and he sees how both Bonnie and Esme look up and glance towards the porch. A frown on his wife’s face, her brow furrowed. He can see the concern in her eyes...the worry. And he’s thankful when Millie tugs on her hand and diverts her attention.

“Don’t you talk to me about remorse and regret,” Tyler lowers his voice. “After everything you’ve done. All the things you said, all the things you did. To mum. To me. You have the nerve to get on my ass about the mistakes I’ve made?”

“I know I haven’t always been a good man...”

“You’ve never been a good man. When the hell were you a good man? You think being nice once and while and taking us places and buying mum flowers or jewelry made up for the shitty things you did? You’d promise to change, and you would, and it would last what? A month? At the most? Just so she’d stick around. Then you’d start your crap again.”

“I don’t know who you think you’re talking to, Tyler. But...”

“I was a kid. A fucking kid. And I used to hide in my closet and listen to everything you said and everything you did. I remember going to the hospital to see mum and you warning me on the way there not tell the nurses or the doctors the real reason she was in there. Because you’d pushed her down the stairs and busted her head open and you convinced them that she fainted and fell. Do you remember that? Because I fucking remember that. And I was Millie’s age when that happened.”

His father’s face hardens, eyes darkening, jaws clenching.

“Yeah, you remember. I know you do. You remember all the times you talked down to her and all the times you put your hands on her. How about when you tried convincing me that that’s the way all women shouldn’t be treated? That all men were just like you. And thank God I never believed it, or I would have grown up thinking that it was true, and I would have beat on my wife and my own kids. I’ve done some shitty things over the past six and a half years; I’ve lied, and I’ve broken promises, and I’ve made some bad choices. But I’ve never...ever...raised a hand to my wife. And if I ever do...if I ever even think about...I’ll fucking kill myself. Because that means I’m just like you and she deserves better than that.”

“Hey,” Esme greets, as she climbs the stairs to the patio. “Everything okay? You seem a little...upset.”

“I’m fine,” he assures her, and she steps behind his chair, putting her hands on his shoulders and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “You ready to go? I’m ready to go.”

She nods. “Millie’s going to get hangry soon and you’re...” her hands slide across his shoulders and down his arms and then back up again, pausing to squeeze his biceps as she drops a kiss on the top of his head. “...pretty tense.”

“I’ll be okay,” he says, and lifts a sleeping Addie from his lap and tucks her into his chest. Forearm against her back and palm supporting her head as he stands. “We were just talking. Right, dad?”

“My son has a big mouth,” he responds. “Tried to slap it off him a few times growing up but obviously it never worked.”

Esme nervously chews her on her bottom lip, eyebrows arched as she looks up at her husband.

“It’s fine,” Tyler runs his free hand over her hair, settling it on her back as he kisses her forehead. “Just ignore him. He didn’t like the things I had to say.”

“Can we just go?” she asks, visibly anxious. “Let’s just go. Don’t say anything else. Not with Millie here. Please.”

He nods in agreement, then glares at the old man when he gives a derisive snort and a snide, “Obvious who wears in the pants in your family.”

“What do you want me to do, dad? Beat her into behaving? Knock her around so it will keep her in line? Think that will show her who’s boss? Break her nose, give her a black eye, knock out some teeth?”

“Tyler...please...” Esme pleads, and her fingers curl around his forearm, nails pressing into the flesh. “...let’s just go.”

“She’s probably the one that knocks YOU around.”

“You know what, dad...”

“Tyler...” her voice is more forceful now. “...enough. Just walk away...be the bigger man and just walk away.”

“Better listen to her,” the old man scoffs. “She probably lays a beating on you from time to time. Seeing as you’ve gotten so soft.”

“Tyler...” Esme glares at him. “...don’t even engage. Just go. Go and take the baby to the car and I’ll get Millie. Please?” One hand fists the front of his t-shirt, the other reaches up to rest on the side of his face; fingers pressing into his cheek, encouraging him to look down at her. “Just take the baby to the car, okay?”

“Are we leaving?” Millie happily skips up the stairs, pigtails swinging and bouncing. “I’m so hungry could eat the ass out of a dead rhinoceros.”

“Excuse me?” Esme frowns. “What did you just say? Who taught you THAT?”

“That sure as hell wasn’t me,” Tyler says. “Of all the weird things I’ve said, that’s not one of them.”

“Ovi taught me,” Millie sheepishly admits. “Sorry. I AM hungry though.”

“Go with daddy,” Esme instructs. “I have to get Addie’s baby bag and your shoes from the house. Go on. Both of you.”

He places a hand on her hip and his lips to her ear. “Don’t say anything. Even if he tries to cause shit with you.”

“I won’t,” she promises, and he pecks her lips before scooping Millie up and slinging her over his right shoulder, her head and top half of her body dangling down his back.

“Bye grandpa!” the five-year-old calls in between her giggles. “See you at my party! Don’t tickle me too, daddy!” she squeals. “You’ll make me pee my pants!”

Esme smiles as she watches them go, waiting until they disappear around the side of the house before turning to her father in law, smile fading.

“What the hell is wrong with you? That is your son? Do you have any idea how lucky you are to even still have him in your life?”

He doesn’t respond. Mouth set in tight, thin line as he stares blankly ahead.

“He could have died seven years ago. In fact, he did, and they brought him back. Twice. If there’d been a third time, they weren’t even going to try to save him. Do you have any idea what he’s been through? What he still goes through? What his life has been like in the last sixteen years?”

Still no answer.

“Don’t you even wonder what he was doing when he left the army? Do you want to know? Do you care at all?”

“Security work.”

“He was a mercenary,” she says, and she notices his eyes widen. “A hired gun. He went into shitty places and into dangerous situations and put his life on the line to help other people. You’re lucky to even have him and you’re going to treat him like you do? You can’t see that he’s trying? That he wants to get through to you? You totally screwed him up as a kid. And it’s left him totally messed up as an adult and...”

“Esme...” Bonnie’s voice is stern as she climbs the steps. “...I think you should leave.”

“I know you’re never going to apologize to him. Even though you should. And he’d probably never accept it anyway. But he’s still your son. And he’s going through hell right now and he’s trying so damn hard to get himself better and if you’d just meet him halfway...”

“I owe him nothing.”

“He’s your child! And I know he’s a grown ass man and he’s a husband and a father, but he’s still your son. And I should hate you for what you did to him when he was a kid and how it’s messed up for the rest of his life. But I actually feel sorry for you. Because he’s a big man with a big heart and he’s good to me and good to his kids. He is trying so hard. And I need you to help him. I’m begging you to help him. Or help me help him. Please. That’s all I want. For him to be okay.”

“It’s too late,” the old man says. “It was too late years ago.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing. The kind of man that he is. And I find it pathetic that you can’t even look him in the eye and tell him you’re sorry. Whether he wants to believe it or not. You can’t even love your own son. What kind of parent does that? What kind of evil lives inside someone that that they turn out the way you did?”

“Esme...” Bonnie tightly grips her arm. “...you need to go.”

“And you’re just making this worse,” she addresses the other woman. “You’re ignoring it too. Everything he did to Tyler, everything he did to Tyler’s mother. You’re just turning a blind eye to it and enabling this shit. What is wrong with you people? I feel sorry for both of you. I really do.”

“Leave,” Bonnie orders. “Now.”

“I am going,” she yanks her arm out of the woman’s grasp, then turns on her heel when she reaches the door. “If he’d died what then? Would you have even felt bad? Would you even have mourned him? If I hadn’t had been there, he would have died alone in that hospital and you probably never would have known. How pathetic is that? You wouldn’t have known your own child was dead. I had to call you and tell you what happened. And even then, you showed up pissed drunk and you brought his ex-wife. Classy. Real classy.”

And with that she stomps into the house, slamming the door behind her.

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fic #tyler rake fan fiction #best part of me #extraction #chris hemsworth character

6 notes · View notes

peachesforjae · 5 years

Text

Neocity in Vancouver

Hey so I wanted to write a little “the vibe I got and what actually went down” for each of the boys from the vancity show! No one asked for this but my extra ass wants to do it anyways so enjoy!! Also it’s a given but all of this could be false so please don’t come for me.

TAEIL

this mans vocals oooooof i mean we been knew but hearing it live ?????? 10/10 confirmed that this man really has been blessed by an angelic voice. probably the most stable voice i’ve ever heard live

his singing voice and talking voice are the same irl, same with visuals (there was this one part were he was trying to be sexy and lemme tell u that my heart started beating faster and i started s w e a t i n g)

he didn’t talk much during the ments (i really wished he did, even if it was in korean) and i personally felt like he didn’t get as much cheers as the other boys (NCTZENS YOU COWARDS HOW DARE YOU 😤)

would sell my soul to have a mini taeil in my pocket. i can tell that he has the sweetest heart and is the most humble guy, he would be the greatest husband ever u can’t fight me on it

JOHNNY

looking for the embodiment of the word flirt?? well look no further. he is really out here thinking our lives are a joke acting like your typical boy next door crush saying all the things that make your heart MELT

he is a tol boi (even tho i was sitting far away I could still tell that he is a giant) he probably was a sequoia tree in his past life or something idk but he is mr.tall and big

i haven’t seen anyone talk about this but his voice was a higher pitch irl,,,,,, like the videos will never catch it but it’s not as deep and omg his little lisp is QT. singing/rapping voice (sm give him more lines u hoes) was the same and his visuals were ever better

he did a body roll at one point and everyone LOST IT (i for real started crying) he is so handsome and ugh every time he came on screen/talked he got the loudest cheers (next to mark) he is such a genuine and heartwarming person i wish he could just be my friend that’s all i want in life

TAEYONG

no surprises with this amazing person he really is THAT beautiful HIS EYES AND SMILE AND FACE I DIED and is a rap god. it was a little surreal seeing him standing there talking cuz like is he even real ???? was he actually a hologram ????? WHO KNOWS MAN WHO KNOWS

he is one of the best performers ive ever laid my eyes on. the charisma and aura that he has stunned everybody and all i had to say was woooooow, he left me shooketh. sm really hit the jackpot with him. he is one of the pillars that nct stands on and im thankful for it

voice and rap voice were the same irl nothing surprising of course we already know that he’s talented but the crowd did love and cheer for him lots. he started the show strong and ended it strong (also let us see his shoulders thank you sir)

when he wasn’t performing he stood back more to let the other members shine and do their thing (ooooof what a leader) but I did wish that he talked a little more during the ments that’s all i could’ve asked for. he gave me a chill but nervous(?) vibe idk how to explain it

DOYOUNG

this man is GORGEOUS irl his eyes were so mesmerizing and sparkly,,,,,,,he had the cutest smile ever and the vibe he gave off to me was a little intimidating but definitely confident. he knows that he’s talented and isn’t afraid to show it

like taeil his voice was the same irl and he is a vocal powerhouse too. stable and clean. really blessed my ears and soul whenever his mouth opened. his falsetto is NOT to be messed with👀 im not saying that he is a male version of ariana but that’s exactly what I’m saying

he really interacted with the fans during the ments and he was so funny (at one point he said something and we missed it and he started laughing and then said it again so we could scream for him,,,,,,,,,,,his ego im- skskskskskshd)

most iconic thing he said was that he wanted to keep going and going and going and that he didn’t want to leave like BOI JUST STAY THEN i can buy you a house and you can just stay in Canada sksksksj i wouldnt mind if he was my neighbor

YUTA

my fellow scorpi(h)o(e) birthday buddy loml person *insert gif of me crying* he really has a resting bitch face (same here) BUT HAS THE SWEETEST HEART AND SMILE i was falling so hard and fast for him. he would probably be my best friend if i ever met him

he was honestly like a little kid,,,,had so much energy and was laughing and jumping and acting all crazy, he joked around with us so much. but then when he performed it was all ✖️🔪☠️✖️💀 and I was feeling like 527273 emotions at once i didn’t know what to do

his voice sounded a little different irl but singing voice was beautiful *cough* sm give him more lines or i will come for you *cough* and his dancing is off the charts you can really tell he puts so much effort in to be an amazing performer. i’d say hes the next best dancer next to taeyong/haechan/mark

yall this boy deadass wore a toque and said that he looked like a canadian university student and kept saying “didn’t you guys know???” with the cutest little expression ever im DEAD INSIDE and ugh he is so caring for the other members and went to mark so many times during the show

JAEHYUN

ok yall know he’s my bias and can I just say that i died, went to highway to heaven, and came back every time he did ANYTHING ????? like anything. im a whipped bitch phew. my deadly crush on him got even bigger after this - bc he really is just a 21 y/o hot dude that i would fall for irl if i met him on the streets skdhcgljsdfg

singing voice ???? perfect. visuals ???? astonishing. hotel???? trivago. skskskks stop me. anyways lemme just say that this man goes HARD when he performs i was so concerned for him like pls chill a little. he kept milly rockin and pointing to the cameras and doing shoulder/body rolls and being a lil hoe (aka this was the best day of my life)

his smile is something to die for, there is a charm to it. also he is flirt no.2 after johnny. he knew EXACTLY what to say to get the attention and everyone gave him what he asked for. he kept on saying how he loved vancouver and had a crush on it. also called us HOT a few times😪

anytime he talked and came on screen he got loud cheers and he would soak it all in (meanwhile I was having a mental breakdown,,,,,the girl behind me kept looking at me every time like sis just let me die sheesh). he gives off chill but confident vibe - i would be terrified to approach him irl. really is a people pleaser and does things to earn him attention and love

JUNGWOO

babyboy.com ......... he really is the CUTEST member all I wanted to do was hold him and pat his lil head and tel him that everything was gonna be ok. he seemed really nervous but did an amazing job performing nonetheless but i do hope that he becomes more confident in himself when he’s on stage cuz he’d get more attention than he already does

they way he talks and acts is actually baby boy culture but i can tell that that’s just a mask to hide his true side, whatever that maybe, all i know is that we aint prepared for it. his eyes sparkled every time he talked and i know this is annoying but he really is snoopy. i won’t take it back.

like taeil, he didn’t talk much during the ments but still received lots of love and cheers when he did. i personally feel like he could be ncts secret weapon in some way but that is tbd. his vocals, voice, and visuals were the same irl he really couldn’t be anymore perfect.

he tried his best to talk in english and i want to thank him for it, IT WAS SO CUTEEEE. he started crying a little at one point when he was talking about touring and performing and my HEART BROKE like no bb come here I’ll just hug you and everything will be ok.

MARK

canadas boy. canadas treasure. canadas pride. canadas ass👀 and nctzens everything. he got the loudest cheers (obvi) and i swear every time he started to talk/rap/exist everyone would loose it and it made him flustered. he felt really touched by this show and im glad that we were able to make him feel like that

he gives off that typical high school boy crush vibe. he’s really THAT awkward young adult that has it all and doesn’t know what to do with it (you’ve definitely met someone just like him) he seemed a little nervous for the show which was a given and was so clueless when we started chanting his name😂 jaehyun had to take his in-ear thingy out and his face when he realized what we were saying KILLED me

his voice is the same irl but i personally felt like his looks stood out more. he looks more mature (?) in person. his eyes also SPARKLED like he really holds galaxies in his eyes. his smile and laugh really brought joy to my heart. i just wanna thank his parents for creating such a beautiful human being. also cheek bones

he talked about his day in vancouver and started to go down memory lane and was taking about how his school was closed on the day sm was holding auditions and how it’s been a decade since he’s come back (SM LET HIM VISIT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) he also told us that he’s proud to be a canadian and that we’re lucky to live in such a beautiful place😭❤️ i- someone come hold me

HAECHAN

babyboy numero 2. he has the babiest face out of all of them but the SOFTEST voice legit sounds like an angel i assume. his hair and skin were flawless and people better stop wh*tewashing him LET HIS BEAUTY SHINE THROUGH PEOPLE

vocals sounded the same but the pitch of his talking voice is a little different. his smile got my heart racing and he has the cutest cheeks i wanna squishem so bad. he seemed a little shy and didn’t talk a lot during the ments. his stage presence really surprised me i legit started screaming “heee heee its haechan jackson” ksksksksks i hate myself

after they performed jet lag he straight up -no warning given- went “doesn’t it feel like we just went on a date?” LIKE BOI DO I LOOK- if you think I cried you’re absolutely right. he’s definitely johnnys son he’s LEARNING from the master of flirting. but he flirts in the most adorable way possible like how ????????

i would 12/10 die for him and also wouldn’t mind having a mini version of him around for emotional support and love. sm also hit the jackpot with haechan and i also feel like he’s another secret weapon in the group watch out yall i keep forgetting that he’s so young and that the best years are still ahead of him i can’t wait to see what the future has in store for such a talented person

Other Comments

i could really sense the exhaustion from the boys. they’ve been go go go from the beginning and i truly hope that they get a well deserved rest. nonetheless they put on a great show, hyped up the crowd, and made us fall in love with them even more. also they performed jet lag for us and lemme tell you that it was a B O P. i wanna say that i died when jaehyun called out the fake fans bc they didn’t know the album release date i LOVE his savage and petty ass😘, this was my first ever kpop concert and im so blessed to have seen nct127, as Johnny said, i can’t wait to see what our journey together has in store for us. im so glad they enjoyed their time in Canada (they kept saying how beautiful it was and how they want to come back to more cities hekwishehsos catch ur girl dying over here).

9 notes · View notes

totaltozier · 7 years

Text

Last Chance - Finn x Reader

Request: Hey heyyyy can you do a Finn x reader imagine where you see each other every day at school and like each other but don’t admit it until prom when you’re the only people without a date (slightly like the snow ball scene !!) I don’t send requests often so sorry if it sounds weird xx

Note: So I loved the idea of this request and I was super excited to write it! Its kind or more like the day before prom and you and Finn don’t have dates yet and everyone else does and ya! I hope you like it!

PLOT: It’s the day before prom and coincidentally you and Finn both don’t have dates!

WORD COUNT: 1478

“Don’t forget to buy your prom tickets before it’s too late! Only one more day until the big night! Tickets are on sale, this period in the cafeteria! Last chance!”

You were walking to lunch with Sadie and Millie as you heard the announcement over the loud speaker in the hall.

“I can’t wait for prom!” Millie squealed. “Noah asked me to go with him last night!”

“Oh my god! That’s so exciting! You two are so cute!” Sadie said. “Y/N, are you gonna ask Finn to go with you to the prom?” she asked you. You had a major crush on Finn but only Sadie and Millie knew. He was part of your friend group and the two of you were great friends but you were too scared to ever tell him.

“Nah, he would probably want to go with someone else anyways” you said, brushing off her question.

“You never know!” Millie said. “He might actually like you back but since you’re both too scared to admit it, you’ll never find out.”

The three of you walked into the cafeteria and scanned around to find the rest of your friends. After a second, you saw Gaten jump up from his spot and wave his arms in the air to get your attention. You waved back and made your way over to the table. Caleb and Finn were seated with him and you slid into the seat next to Finn.

“I don’t know man, I still don’t understand the concept of transposing from the key of D Sharp to B Flat major” Caleb complained to Finn.

“C’mon, it’s simple stuff, you just change this note here, flatten these two notes, change this and bam! B Flat major!” Finn moved the sheet music back towards Caleb who just sighed and put his head in his hands, defeated by the music theory.

“I should have just taken drama; this music theory is too hard” Caleb said.

You pulled out your lunch from your bag and opened a carton of raspberries. You pushed the container towards Finn beside you. “Want some?” you asked.

Finn reached down and picked up a few before popping them in his mouth. “Thanks Y/N!” Finn smiled. You were always happy to share your raspberries with him since they were both your favourite fruit.

“So, um, Sadie” Caleb started, he had put his homework away by now. “Are you uh, going to prom?”

Sadie tucked her long red hair behind her ear. “Yeah I am. Are you?”

Caleb blushed and nervously scratched his head. “Uh, yes I am. I was um, wondering if you would want to go with me, like as my date, sort of thing, possibly?” he asked.

Sadie looked over to Millie who was giving her thumbs up, then back at Caleb. “Um, yeah that would be great, I’d love to!” She answered.

“Awesome great! What colour is your dress?” Caleb asked. The two continued their conversation, discussing colours and flowers and where they were going to take pictures together.

Finn stood up from his seat and grabbed his backpack. “I’ve got to go to my locker,” he looked down at you. “You wanna come with?”

You nodded your head and quickly packed up your stuff. The two of you made your way out of the cafeteria and towards his locker on the other side of the school.

“So, Finn. Are you going to prom?” You asked.

“Yeah, I am, are you?” he looked over as you both kept walking.

“It’s cool how Sadie and Caleb are going together and Noah and Millie too, I feel like I’m the only one without a date” you said, taking a deep breath before asking your next question. “Are you going with anyone, like as a date?” You were looking at the floor now, afraid of what his answer might be. You had liked Finn for so long, it would crush your soul if you found out that he was going with another girl.

“No not yet,” he answered. “I mean, there is someone I want to go with but I haven’t gotten the courage to ask her yet. She probably wouldn’t say yes anyways.”

You looked up at Finn in shock. “Come on, what girl wouldn’t want to go to prom with Finn Wolfhard? There’s girls dying to just talk to you in the hallway” you said,

“No way” Finn claimed. “I’m just Finn. Plain old Finn.”

“Well, I think you should ask her” You suggested. “Maybe buy her some nice flowers, possibly a teddy bear too and show up at her door and ask her like a gentleman would. There’s no way she could say no to that!”

“You really think so?” Finn asked.

“Well I know that I would definitely say yes if a boy did that for me” you said, hoping that he couldn’t tell that you wished it was your door that he’d be showing up to with flowers and a proposal for prom.

The period was almost over and Finn was quickly switching out his textbooks from his locker for the next two periods.

“Anyways, are you taking the bus home today? I’ll save you a seat” you said. Finn and you shared the same bus route since you lived only a block away from each other.

“Nah, not today, I’ve got somewhere to go after school” Finn answered. The bell rang loudly through the hall, signalling for the next class to start in three minutes. “I’ve gotta go! See you later Y/N!”

“See ya, Finn!” You watched Finn run down the hall towards his geography class for a moment before turning around and heading towards calculus. You sat down at your desk and pulled out your notebook and pens. The teacher started his lesson but you couldn’t help but wonder who Finn was going to ask to prom. Whoever it was though, you were already wishing it was you instead of them.

You got off the bus and were walking home as you passed Finn’s house on your way to your own. Once inside, you made your way into the kitchen to make a start on the pile of homework you were assigned throughout the day. You were halfway through a terribly boring history reading when the doorbell rang. No one else was home so you got up to answer it. The door swung open to show Finn standing on your porch, both his hands behind his back hiding something.

“Finn?” you were lost as to why he was at your door.

“Hey Y/N!” he had a smile on his face that spread from ear to ear. “May I come in?” He asked.

“Um, sure” you opened the door all the way to let Finn pass before closing it behind him. “What are you doing here?”

“Well I came to bring you these!” He brought his right hand out from behind his back. He had a bright bouquet of flowers in his hand full of yellows, oranges, and pinks.

You were at a loss for words. “What? Why?”

“Oh, and this little guy here” he brought around his left hand which had a light brown rabbit with floppy ears and a yellow bow around his neck and handed him to you.

“Finn, what’s happening?” You asked, accepting the bunny but still completely confused.

A blush crept up on his cheeks and Finn ran a hand through his hair. “Um, well, basically there’s this girl who I want to go to prom with me so badly and it would mean the world to me if she said yes so I actually asked her today how I should prom-pose to her and this is what she told me to do so,” you suddenly realised what was happening and it was all happening so fast, “I couldn’t find a bear so I thought a bunny would work too. Y/N, will you go to prom with me?” Finn asked as he held out the bouquet of flowers to you.

You couldn’t help but smile like an idiot and you could feel the blush rushing to your face. You nodded your head big and said yes. Finn quickly pulled you in for a hug and you wrapped your arms around him as he hugged you tight.

“I’m so glad you said yes” he said, “I’ve been thinking about going to prom with you for years.”

You pulled out of the hug as you heard him say that. “Years?”

“Yeah, I’ve sort of liked you for a really long time, Y/N.” Finn admitted.

You smiled. “That’s sort of funny because I’ve liked you for a really long time too, Finn.”

“It’s a good thing we’re going to prom together then, eh?” Finn joked.

“There’s no one else I’d rather go with” you gushed before quickly reaching on your tiptoes to kiss Finn on the cheek.

366 notes · View notes

phakjira198 · 3 years

Text

2020 Recap

Most people won’t reminisce the year 2020, but they’ll probably look back and think what a shitty year it was, with covid-19, lock-down and abysmal economy. But for me personally, 2020 wasn’t all too bad. I’ve learned a lot from this year. This year was like a roller coaster for me, a lot of ups and downs. A lot definitely happened, most of them are new things I’ve never experienced before. I mean, I think the reason why 2020 was not so bad for me is because I like who I am now. I think I’m a lot more stronger, a lot more confident, and a lot less tense than who I was in 2019 or earlier in 2020 itself. So here’s a list of recap of what happened and how it has changed me.

JAN

1. Stressing about a side project that I had with Pat, Ammy and Dao, called Thunder Bolt (I think)

2. Went to Perth and Melbourne, Woo hooo. Perth was a lot of fun; we stayed at an AirBnB and cooked every night. The lamb chop was wicked. There was a bush-fire when we went to Melbourne but it was still fun.

-> at this point I was so sick of Arts and Museum lol. (because I over did it in Tokyo last year 5555)

3. Exchange decision: debating between Dartmouth, USA and Groningen, Netherlands. Made countless list of pros and cons. In the end, I decided that I need the sun and can’t stand only 7 hours sunlight everyday for a month in Groningen, so choose Dartmouth instead. Anyway Him pissed me off so much about deciding where to go, peeps keep pressuring me to choose because my grade is high. In the end it doesn’t even fucking matter bitch, you just need to ace your interview, which I did and got a full score baby!

-> I just remembered that my Mac went cra cra and I had to change my screen. Thank god that I had Apple care otherwise, I’ll have to pay like 21000 Baht, but instead I got it fixed for free eiei. Anyway, I went to Australia without my Mac and I think that’s probably the longest that I’ve gone without my mac.

FEB

1. Lot of school work, according to my monthly calendar 55555. Had to prep for the exchange interview and everything as well. And had champ thingy as well.

2. Had a weird, random, study date-ish session with Pat. I don’t think he think of it as a date, he just wanted to study and I’m a somewhat useful resource ( or at least I hope so) -> because of working with him in Jan and like whatever the fuck happen in Feb, I started to develop a crush on him (again! jesus woman). But this time it was different, cause I actually told people about it, and by people I mean Tam 5555555. Anyway it was because on Valentine day, Tam, Por, Ohm, and I (we were all single, so sad) went out to celebrate the fact that we got to go to Dartmouth. And I was not very alcohol tolerant back then (notice the back then part, cause girl I can handle my alcohol nowadays 555), so when they asked me whether I liked someone or not, I hesitated and they spent the entire night try to figure out who. Later on that night when I got back home, I told Tam wa who 55555. But like it was just a crush, I didn’t like like him. Cause I don’t really know him well enough for me to “like” him.

3. GOT MY FIRST CAR!!!!, aka Stacy. But haven’t really got the change to drive her yet 555555555. The story behind how I got the car sound very privileged. I didn’t noticed it at first, but then went I told Ming what happened, she was like what a rich people way, and I’m like oh yeahh. So I stopped telling the story 55555. Anyway, I’m gonna tell it here again cause only future Jessie will read this post.

MAR

1. Midterm during the first week: so nothing much, just studying

2. Drove my car for the first time after mid-term. Took it to uni for like 3 times and then number 3 happened

3. COVID-19 hit baby -> online studying -> I was enjoying life as fuck. My introvert self was striving. I was playing piano, doing arts, keeping a bullet journal. Watching shit load amount of studio Ghibli and other movies.

APRIL

1. Pretty much the same as march. To be honest, they kinda merged together cause you can’t really tell time when you’re at home all the time. It’s just like school holiday.

2. Cheesy Avocado. Worked a lot on this joint-project for my 3 classes (software engineering, database system, ICE capstone). Spend a lot of time calling with Tam, Party and Nat. Shout out to Party for being a good PM; we would have never finished the work without you, and if I was the PM I would have drove myself crazy until the work is finish, you really help my mental health 5555.

3. Songkran that doesn’t feel like Songkran at all. Had all my classes as usually, and didn’t get leave my house. ToT

MAY

1. Final the first 2 weeks. Got a chance to work on a killer report for my history of animation class. I wrote an almost 20 pages report on “Whisper of the Heart”, a lot of it are my own analysis from scratch, so I’m very proud of it eiei.

2. Prep for Agoda -> I was very lazy to do this. I procrastinated it to the very last minute and didn’t even finished it properly lol.

3. Went out for lunch with friends for the first time since the pandemic at a Korean restaurant in Siam One. (Had a record driving time to Siam at 12 minutes I think)

--> I think May was like boring af. Nothing really happened that much.

JUNE

1. Started my internship at Agoda as a data engineer in the Messaging team. It’s a part of a bigger team called Agoda Data Pipeline, and I worked on a project called improve Kafka Offset Monitoring, where I implement this new feature called “time lag”. I wrote a blog post about it but never actually posted on Medium 55555. It requires too much work man. But I first started the internship we had to work from home, because of covid-19, which was depressing as fuck. It was not fun at all!!! To top that off, it was difficult and I was lazy and just no no. Then we got to start working at the office on the 21 of June and that was a lot more fun and everything. I really enjoyed working there.

2. Grandma passed away on the 19th of June. Thank god that I was working from home then cause I was crying my eyeballs out and it did not look pretty. But it wasn’t as bad as when P’Rin passed away (where I cry for non-stop 3 days and had to missed a trip that I was supposed to go on), because we were expecting it to happened. It was out of the blue or anything. The doctor asked whether we want to ฝอกไต her or not and the family agreed that we don’t want to put her through anymore pain, so we decided that we’re not going to do it. And the doctor said that if we’re not going to do it, then all we can do now is wait for her to go. I was in her room (well almost the entire family was) when her heart stopped beating and I think grandma was happy that we were all there.

-> nothing much else. Just hangout with people, ทำบุญให้อาม่า and just work.

JULY

1. Continue with the internship. At the Internship they had this thing called the the intern pitched competition and my team fucking won. (I probably already covered this in another blog post, so I’m not going to get into the details here). Anyway, we won 6000 Baht and spent it a Japanese restaurant in Gaysorn Plaza.

2. Finished up the internship project towards the end of the month.

3. Went drinking multiple time at Groove 5555.

AUG

1. Went to Koh Kood, it was so goooddd (pun intended 5555). A couple of days after the internship ended on the 5th of Aug. The trip itself was fabulous, pretty beach and fin food. But the weather itself wasn’t particularly good, but that’s okay.

2. Started talking to a guy for the first time (Woo Hoo!). It was all fun and game until somebody loses their mind (and that somebody just happened to be me, SAD) But actually I haven’t lose my mind in August yet. August was a lot of fun, I really liked the version of myself was talking to him. I was open and honest and wasn’t afraid that he would judge me. We had like 3 cute calls, but that was it 55555555. I called him on his BD at midnight to wish him happy birthday; I was cute as fuck. Just think back about it is making me blush, and boy did I blushed a lot. I’ll probably write more on the experience later in another blog post.

3. Started my senior year at uni. But this time it’s a little different because your home girl is a TA as well. I have the power to influences a the grade of a sophomore, felt powerful 555. We still had to do online studying, although I don’t really think it was necessary at that point, cause there wasn’t really new cases and people were out and about like normal just with their face masks on. The classes that I took this sem were good as well, I actually enjoy all of it, especially Stochastic and Optimisation, which makes me consider studying my master in Operation Research, but will still have to do more research on that 55555.

4. Worked on the Global sustainable development SDG goal competition thingy, and we got into the final 10 rounds. But we didn’t win 5555555, but it was still great cause I made a new friend. (which is really rare for me 555)

SEP

1. Your home girl 20!!!! I’m now officially legal and can drink and buy alcohol in public casually, which I am enjoying 555555555. Let’s just say I drink now 555. Btw I cried the night I turned 20 because I didn’t want to. I don’t want to grow up and I don’t want to become an adult, but I guess we can’t avoid it and we’re just going to have to embrace it instead. Also I think I was crying as well because I expected something from prime, I don’t know what I was expecting and keep telling myself that I didn’t expect anything but that’s not true. I did. Anyway he sent me a voice message and was the first one to wish me happy birthday eiei. And you guess it, I blushed bitch.

2. Shit also went to hell this month with the Prime stuff. Specifically on the 25th of September, where Millie told me that Prime told her that he likes her. And that he asked her to watch a movie and eat out (which he never did with me wtf bro). So when that happened we stopped talking, like literally stopped after that night. The last thing on our chat was me sending him the brown bear confetti at almost midnight on the 25th and that was it, we never texted each other again. Which was really sad ( I mean sad for me but and easy way out for him), because I never get to know what happened, why it happened, and I didn’t get to scream at his fucking face. I eventually did in a dream later in December, which leads to a fucking closure after a 3 long and depressing months. (I just want to say, Fuck you Prime)

3. Nothing else really happened that much but studying and love stuff. I was so fixated on the love stuff though 5555, but can you really blame me; it was my first time actually liking a guy not having a crush on him. (You know what just thinking about what happened my eyes are tearing up 555)

--> Just

OCT

1. October was a month of tear. Jessie was experiencing her first heart break; earlier this year back in July, Jessie just told Millie that she has never experienced heart break before in her entire life, but now she does. What a growth man. I did not enjoy the experience one bit, it was depressing, and just bad for me in many aspect. I tried to summoned stone cold bitch Jessie and killed of soft Jessie, which ultimately lead to me feeling numb and just plain sad. I lost inspiration, I just don’t enjoy the little shit like I used to; let’s just say I was not in a particularly good place. The only way to maintain my mental health was to run. And thanks to the free personal training that I got from Mr.Prime when we were talking, I started running more.

2. Midterm. Got full score for introduction to stochastic modelling bitches. I remember going to Sea life right after Stochastic exam and just try to get my shit together. I really thought that I had picked up the pieces together but I really hadn’t, it was only 2 and half weeks since it happened. I was rushing into healing too much and didn’t know that these things take time to heal. Screw you knw for telling me that it only took you a week to get over Tam, that was total bullshit, and I tried to used that as a fucking standard, which just killed me.

3. Skinny Bitch Jessie emerged. I lose my appetite because of the heart break so I ate a lot less. Actually I think I consumed a normal amount of what an average human being should consumed, I just ate way too much before 55555. And like with all the running, my weight got down to like 50, 51, which is the skinniest I’ve ever been since I got to uni. Maybe even the skinniest I’ve ever been since year 11 as well.

NOV

1. Shopee GLP application. I didn’t get the job but it was a great experience. I learned what a case interview, and thinks it very oppa. The process of preparing for it was fun, but I wasn’t totally into it because I was still dead inside. And still have no passion, no inspiration, no motivation, no goal, and everything because of what happened in the last 2 months. The only reason why I wanted to job was because I wanted the money 5555555.

2. Won DevDisrupt Hackathon 2020. Ter did most of the work though, but it was still a lot of fun, and something that I could add to my resume 5555.

DEC

1. HAPPY JESSIE IS BACK BITCHES!!!! I LOVE December Jessie; she’s STRIVING. Thank god I got my shit sorted out before the end of the year. She is once again enjoying life, feeling inspired, and motivated. And she’s doing all this while she is dressed to the nine every single fucking day!

0 notes