#i keep telling myself to delete them

[sophsicle]

So by your logic if the wolfstar and Sirius x James kiss wasn’t cheating on Fabian and regulus can I just go kissing random people even if I’m in a relationship? I’m sorry but it seems like u really struggle to read likeable characters

i truly don't care what you do in your relationships

none of my business

i'm not involved

no relationship is the same, no situation is the same, no group of people are the same. those situations were specific. they happened between specific people. in specific ways.

if you are unable, or unwilling, to look at the complexity of individual situations, and wish to understand life only through universalizing moral rules that do not take nuance into account but operate simply to place everything into the categories of "good" and "bad", that is fully your prerogative to do so

i am not out here sending you messages about how i think you are wrong

i am simply existing with a different set of beliefs and values than you

so i am not sure why you are so upset at me

#im sorry #im apologizing to literally everyone who has to read me answer these asks again and again #i keep telling myself to delete them #and to be fair i do sometimes #but i just get HEATED #and i can't help it #but i will stop putting us all through this i swear #soph rambles #kyd

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333 #he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today #this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!! #can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant #i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am' #this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!! #i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;; #okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH): #this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved) #its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph? #but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010) #its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves #seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his #so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better #whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it) #not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh #anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO #its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation #pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!) #i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos #sebastian vettel #f1 #formula 1 #f1 art #formula 1 art #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such #boy king au

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!! #but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me. #and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just— #sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

#nobody will ever stop me from getting excited about things i like #i just always feel like i'm not allowed to share that excitement with anybody directly because of being made fun of in the past #or like i at least have to tone it down by like 99% and make it very brief #because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space #sometimes i really wanna talk about my favorite things with somebody but i'm like #'nobody knows or cares about this. what if i send something and they hate it and tell me it's horrible' #(a reaction i've been the most used to. either that or just silence) #and i wouldn't know who would actually be interested or if i would be putting them in a situation #where they're not interested at all but they're too nice to say it and then i feel annoying if i keep talking about it #because now even if it isn't SAID that they hate it i still always feel like people are thinking that behind it all #so like if somebody came at me right now telling me everything i like is horrible #that itself wouldn't really bother me because i could just block and continue life without a second thought about that person specifically #because that's just unnecessary and rude regardless of what it's about and i would assume it's just somebody looking to stir things up #delete/block. not taking it personally and not worth thinking about #but it's the anxiety built up from it happening for so long and so consistently from so many people and some that i used to be close to #that now it feels to me that everybody feels that way even if i know LOGICALLY that it isn't true. the feeling is still there #it's one of the long-term effects that are so hard to get rid of once they're set #this is just another thing about myself to work on for probably my entire life #but russ has been helping me with so much lately it's unbelievable

[blatantlyhidden]

.

#tw trauma #venting #i know it's been over two years now and i should probably stop thinking/talking about this #but i can't get over how my ex behaved towards me despite knowing my past and trauma #how he kept pushing my boundaries and making me feel bad for even setting them despite very well KNOWING my reasons #like this dude KNEW about my past and STILL behaved this way #how he wanted me to “get help for my issues” but only as a disguise to get what HE wants #telling me that if i didn't get a therapist within the next year he'd break up #i forced myself to do things i never wanted and now deeply regret #i set a boundary and could watch it being ignored weeks later #when i broke up with him he wished terrible things for me and told me to fuck myself #and even after that he kept on trykng to contact me on every possiblr social media months after #last time he contacted me was in july this year.....we broke up OVER 2 YEARS AGO #i'm glad i left but i have so much unresolved shit that i just cannot let it go #like that shit sits deep #this is so much oversharing i'm so sorry #will probably regret posting this and delete but i had to get it out #can't keep annoying my friends with this #again sorry

[comfymoth]

y’know what should have happened cquackity should have killed cdream last spring instead of just torturing him. 1) it would have gotten rid of cdream solving all my problems and 2) the conflicting guilt and righteous fury would have made quackity even sexier. him and sam could write it off as an ‘accident’ and bond over this fucked up secret only they know about it would be just like h—

#dream smp #i’m normally not. like. a rewrites guy but my heads going crazyyyyy rn this has potential tell me it doesnt have potential #put cquackity on that will graham arc i want him so isolated because hes scared of how good it felt #so thennn it makes his whole stupid rivalry with wilbur more interesting because wilbur #in his head #is a man who’s seen the consequences of his actions where quackity is just waiting for his #and they can have a cooler deeper discussion about guilt and morality than whatever the burger arc was #and eventually it just makes them both realize they have to keep living. and go back to the people they love instead of cutting off #ok gonna stop writing fic in the tags cut myself off while im ahead but #cquackity should kill. that’s all #abuse ment #by proxy #ig #sorry im being a little deranged maybe ill delete this outta shame later AHDKDJDKDJDKD

[hearties-circus]

Oh g-d I've been withdrawing

#gamer txt. #i keep typong up posts and tags and delstinv them withoit thinking too much about it recentlu but k never usually dp that #theyve all been needy and attention seeking and thats why i was eriting them in the first place but thats ehy i keep deleting them #because i want attention #and that scares tge hell out of me #how bad do i have to be to be this desperate for some sort of contact yet this scared of losing everyone eho moght give it to me #why am u rhis scared of people thinking im annoying ive been feleting needy posts for months thats not . like me #even when im bad im usually better than that i dont. i dont understand ahy this is different #hell i relapsed a few months ago and i couldnt bring myself to even say i cut myself again outright bc i didnt want to be bother #since when the hell have i put up the illusion of being ok on this blog why am i so comcerned #are my trust issues really that bad? am i really that worried everyone who cares about me will fold the second i inconveniene them? #g-d thats. yeah fuck no wonder my friends were insulted when i gave them a 6/10 for 'ppl i would talk to if i had issues' #that is insulting #and whats worse is that its a lie #6/10 should be over half i should tell them my problems about half of the time #i dont do it. ever #and usually thats not too bad because i unload wverything here anyways but now ive stsrted stopping kyself frkm doi g thst #i want help and attention and to stop being so svared but im too scared to ask for those #i had to drag myself out of bed to make rhis post bc if i left it till morning i wouldnt do kt #also thats why all the typos btw no glssses its dark and i stsrted crying at some point #i dont know if its just how ive been feeling lateky or if theres some truth to it but i feel like my text posts have been getting seen less #im honestly kinda really twrrified im gonna wake up and no one will have seen this post and im just gonna pretend to be ok #bevause i would i think i would really just give up #i dont know what gl do #ive never been this scaredwithout a discernable cause before #ive stsrted cryung way harder andb u dont even know why #i think i think thats more or lees everything off my chest #im gonna try to sleep

[fyncherly]

just impulsively cut my own hair it's time to go godmode on my jrwi: suckening animation i've been too scared to touch for weeks now LET'S GOOOOOO

[vampirejuno]

I need some sort of contraption that will zap me with 200v of electricity every time I look through old pictures or scroll through particular blogs or some such. It wouldn't stop me probably but it just sounds like something I should have

#christ i need to stop it #i just cant make myself delete the pictures or throw out the letters or any of those things i should probably do. i just. fuck #it's so stupid. why can't i get over it. it's my fuckin brain it should do what i tell ut to ffs #i just wish I had someone to talk to. but most of my friends were his friends first. and theres only so much you can achieve with therapy #and I can't go to my newer friends because its such a personal thing and I don't know them nearly well enough #and my old friends that i knew before him have drifted away more and more. i keep trying to reconnect but it just. doesn't achieve much #we call we have a nice chat oh yeah let's do this again and then it's silence until i write. i don't know what im doing wrong #i just feel so alone. #delete later

[heavenlydreamangelflyhigh]

im trying to live day by day and take baby steps and its working but i still get the itch to kill myself every 8 hrs or so. better than every 30 mins.

#it helps if i imagine its an external force telling me to kill myself instead of acknowledging that #my brain is just hardwired to self delete when i feel any minor discomfort after years of chronic suicidality #idk i genuinely do not want to die even if i may cry and scream that i do and i also recognize that its remporary and i wont #live like this forever .a lot of it has to do withiving with my abusers fulltime and having off and on mental health support #i also have a lot of loved ones that would genuinely miss me and be distraught if i were to kick the bucket so that keeps me going #sui ment #i would love to tell my 8 year old self that it gets better and we won't be suicidal when we grow up #but sadly that isn't the case..i'd tell them it gets easier and that we're making strides to feel well and want to live happily #and i think that would give them a sense of relief..i am now four years older than my self prescribed expiration date and i am so proud #of myself. i have experienced beautiful things since i decided to stick around. i am so grateful for every moment i have

[persnickety-doodles]

What’s you’re favourite fanfic?

I don't really have just one favorite tbh 😅 but I'll give you a short list of some I still think about... 🫣

For Korrasami

I recently finished Where the Snow Takes Us by @asamiontop and it is definitely one of my recent favorites.

Anything written by selftaughthuman has been really enjoyable for me. I had discovered their Improbable Holiday Meet-Cute sometime around the last holiday season, and it's definitely one of my favs. I love the way they write Asami tbh.

The Honeymooners and To The Brink by @hohfics are two favorites I still think about from time to time.

Skin by @xaibaugrove is another favorite

For Caitvi

I also loved At Least for Now by selftaughthuman

and uh I think one of the writers I'd been following deleted everything… 🥺 so I guess I have to find some more… someday…

Oh and I don't remember how I stumbled upon it, but Everything Else by kienava for Randvi and Eivor still has had a hold on my soul. The way they wrote intimacy in this is... poetic.

Most of these are mature... so ya know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I currently have a growing "Marked for Later" list, but I'm open to suggestions.

#inbox #craving-you-so-badly #i think lmontyy deleted #i liked some of their caitvi stuff #i couldn't find their work #so i assume they deleted everything #which is kinda heartbreakingg #i hope they're okay #also all of my fma favs are on a piece of paper #in my desk #i still have to go through this list to find them on ao3 or ff.net #and then add them #because i never wanted to save anything on my pc that could be checked by my parents at the time #and I keep telling myself I’m gonna do it #but I forget 🥲

[cinna-bunnie]

bleh

#having a bad morning tbhhhh #i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them #i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise. #and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened. #the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me. #to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about. #and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away #but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol. #i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's #frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone. #and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends. #it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff #going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has #bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where #u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :| #everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete #but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭 #'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭 #ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are #and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point. #i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend #but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭 #and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._. #but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences. #anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨

[butchwestgri]

.

#changed my pronouns again because i felt like they/she didnt fit and god ive never been happier #i keep referring to myself in third person just so that i can see the he/him in action and it makes me feel so giggly every time #like ive never felt this good about myself and all i did was change the way i refer to myself its so #i messaged my girlfriend about it the other day and shes taken to them so quickly as well it makes me feel even better about the choice #like. youre telling me i could have saved 2 years of identity crisis if id just let myself use these beforehand #but ah well that's self discovery ig #might delete this later just needed to get everything out.. god i feel so euphoric

[pepprs]

alt*rnative spr*ng br*ak day 1. i need to be on campus in 3.5 hours. i have packed nothing and have done no laundry. i have not prepared for any of the facilitation i need to do today. i am experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety and burnout ♥️

#this is my first time ever doing an in person asb and also my first time being part of the asb planning process and i am soooooo nervous and #unprepared and overwhelmed. and i volunteered myself as the staff member staying at the hotel making sure no one gets into trouble and #responding to crises / emergencies if they arise and i may be assigning more importance / weight to that role than there actually is given T #that they are all college students and i am less than a year removed from being a college student myself. but i am so nervous i want to #redacted. and i am not prepared for the situations that might arise. at all whatsoever. lollllll #purrs #btw unlike the retreat tag or the conferences im name dropping asb bc like every school has them and a lot of schools have spring break this #week. so i am not doxxing myself 😈 (and i didn’t need to tell u that but im doing it lol. aaaaand post) #delete later #also the amount of stress i have been under lately w work is like. actually insane and we are not getting a break (though i should take one #lol) but after this is over i will have my life back a little bit maybe and i hate to say im looking forward to it so much but i am. i just #want to rest and recover. it’s literaly been nonstop since we were abandoned in july (lol) and i feel so crushed by the weight of everything #we’ve been carrying and how much responsibility i have had to take on in my FIRST YEAR!!!!!!!!! and i would’ve gone crazy if i hadn’t takej #on big responsibilities ofc bc of my mental illness <3 but the impostor syndrome + the relentlessness intensifying every single day are just #so so so heavy to carry. and i can feel my mind and body and heart giving out but i have to keep pushing forward

[coffee-bat]

i cant do this i cant do this i cant do this

#(vent feel free to ignore this i'll be fine) #//cw: suicidal thoughts and self harm #im having a breakdown again yay #itll probably pass but rn im sorry i have to tell someone anyone i cant keep it in i need to feel like i exist to anyone #im crying for no fucking reason and strongly suicidal for the second time this week #im at my fucking limit i feel like i have to cut again just so i dont kjll myself then andvthere #but my mom will yell at and mock me if she finds out i feel cornered i dont know what to do #my fight or flight is kicking in and nothing is even fucking happening its in my stupid brain #i feel like i need to tell someone anyone i feel like im just gonna cease to exist and noone will know or care #i have one friend who i tell this stuff to but they have a lot on their plate rn and i dont wanna put an additional burden on them so im #sorry but you gotta deal with me screaming into the void for a sec (you can ignore me itll pass ill be back to normal in a sec i just need #to let it out i need SOMEONE to know im on the fucking brink #im sorry i just cant deal with this anymore its too much it hurts and im helpless and im scared #there's one commission left i have to do bc its been pre-paid and then i can do it i think. i probably wont but rn i feel like it #vent #personal #delete later #suicidal thoughts tw #self harm mention #bpd #then again maybe im just hungry ive only eaten once today. idk maybe if the episode passes enough to stop crying in a ball on the floor #i'll be able to find out (eat sth and see if i feel better) #for now im freaking out and losing my fucking mind