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bisexualhomelander · 3 days

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Tumblr user bisexualhomelander bringing you what it says on the tin.

Domestic May Prompt: Somebody is being wrong (?) on the internet. Pairing: Butchlander

"They're wrong."

"Mhm. Or how about you turn that thing off?"

"No, but they're wrong! This is... preposterous! William, look at it!" The phone is being shoved into his face, too close to read anything, making Billy go cross-eyed.

"I can't look if you shove it down my throat."

Homelander acquiesces and holds the phone at an acceptable distance. Billy blinks and begins to read. Homelander has dragged up a post on supespace.net, an unofficial platform for fans of Vought's heroes and heroines. Billy has used it himself in the past, not to make posts but to gather intel. The fans of these cunts, however misguided they may be, have a keen eye and can analyse paparazzi shots better than any CIA agent.

The post in question is titled Homelander is bi and was posted by a user named bbygirllander. Billy only reads the first few lines: This sounds weird, but hear me out, we stan a bi king. He skims the rest before landing on the top comment: He is literally a Nazi. Billy barks a laugh. "Okay, what's so bad about this?"

"Do you see this shit?"

"Nothing on there is news, luv."

"Not you, too!"

"You seem more upset about the bi thing than you were about that Nazi comment up here."

"That's old news. They've been saying this ever since-" He trails off. Billy will never understand how he can be genuinely grieving Stormfront. Surely he doesn't believe their love was ever real. If yes, the bleach must have gone to his Aryan little head. But Billy sees no use in upsetting him further, so he listens and keeps his thoughts to himself. "But I'm not bisexual. I'm not any of... that. This has the power to destroy me. The tabloids will pick it up. It's been the top post for..." He scrolls up. "For two days. There have been ten hero announcements from Godolkin since then, and they haven't even scratched most viewed."

"Okay." Billy tries to think of what to say. He feels a pang of sympathy. He'd been twenty once, nearly drinking himself into a coma when he'd realised he liked dick. And he'd just been a kid from the wrong side of the Thames that nobody gave a damn about. Not a mega star. "If anyone talks about it, just make a statement telling them they're being wrong on the internet."

Homelander's mind was seemingly a few steps ahead. "I need to make an account. And deter them. I need to make ten accounts. I need to post this on Voughtstagram with a bunch of cry-laughing emojis, laughing about how stupid they are being on the internet. I need to get ahead of this. I need to get ahead of this..."

Billy interrupts him before he can talk himself into a manic episode. "D'you want me to read you some of them comments?"

Homelander looks on morosely, but at least he's stopped talking. "No."

Billy reads. "It's not anyone's business. Just because you watch his films doesn't mean you own him. Here's another good one, Good for him if it's true, but we can't take it as fact. If he doesn't want to come out, he must have his reasons. Oh, I like this one. It's in response to someone stating you've only been with women. I didn't realise I was bi until I was in my sixties. There's no timeline. Maybe Vought doesn't want him to go public about it, I mean, they are kind of conservative, and his fans consist of rabid right-wingers. See, the people are all on your side."

Homelander blinks. "I don't want a public coming-out."

"I'm sure Maeve said the same before you outed her live on TV."

"That was different. She had a girlfriend."

Billy heaves a sigh.

"If I address the rumours, it means we will have to stay on the down-low," Homelander says. "You'll have to continue sneaking in through the staff entrance if you want to see me or Ryan. We'll have to be more careful about anyone seeing us because evidently it's happened."

"I'd be gone faster than you know what hit ya if you ever were to go public with us. You know that."

"What if Ryan sees this?"

"What if-? Ryan, who knows I practically live here three days a week, who sees your toothbrush next to mine in the bathroom? That Ryan? Luv, he ain't a toddler you can fool by telling him your good buddy Billy is having a slumber party with ya. He's twelve. He knows we're fuckin'."

Homelander just gives him a look and shrugs, suddenly silent. Billy knows that look, the wide eyes and helplessly tensed lips. Homelander is close to tears. "That's all well and good. But I'm not bi."

"Fine by me," Billy says and means it. "The people are right, it's not anyone's business. Not even mine. You don't have to call it that."

"So you agree with me."

Billy cocks his head.

"They're wrong on the internet."

Billy picks up Homelander's phone. He mindlessly scrolls through some more posts. "Oh, lovely. Homelander is a natural blonde, y'all are being mean. Now that's what I call wrong on the internet. Wait. Wait. Have you guys been timing the breaks he takes on-stage? I have a theory they're bathroom breaks because he has to pee more because his prostate is getting bigger-"

The shattering glass makes Billy realise the phone has gone out the window before he even understands it's no longer in his grip. A pair of lips is seeking his own in a way that would leave the fans bug-eyed.

#billy butcher #homelander #butchlander #my writing #cozy corner domaystic

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pursuecrazylife · 3 months

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Tatort has no business being this gay. I'm not talking about the newer teams like Saarbrücken because I get that the ARD finally realised a huge group of people are watching Tatort for the gay feels.

I'm talking about the older teams, just some random examples

München 1991: First ep shows one of their girlfriends, only to show her thirdwheeling against Franz and Ivo's unbreakable bond and insane chemistry from day one

Stuttgart 2008/2009: In one of the first episodes Sebastian and Thorsten get mistaken for gay, and don't even deny it

Münster 2002: Boerne is written like the manic pixie dream girl who is going to brighten up Thiel's life, they even have a meet-cute straight out of a rom com

Like why is a famous German cop show watched every Sunday so gay? I'm not complaining, but it doesn't make sense. It's not even subtext is just text

Do you know how many times I have tried to convince my friends who want a show with gay couples to watch Tatort, the show their parents watch, and they think I've gone crazy...That's how much this doesn't make any sense!

#tatort #tatort münchen #tatort münster #tatort saarbrücken #tatort stuttgart #Did they accidentally just write them gay and didn't notice #Or is this queerbaiting before the concept even existed #It's very confusing

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vanillaxoshi · 4 months

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Every few times i rewatch bbb i'm just randomly hit with the fact under the humor the show is very very messed up

Oh haha funny superhero show. *Hali's appearance episode* Oh wow this is messed up

*taufan's appearance* they really just drugged that child into manic

*gempa's* .... Ah yes TRAUMA, poor guy had to think he was weak and not strong enough first. Boi's first self worth issue lets go!

*probe's death* OH MY GOD they actually just showed us a (basically an orphan) lose his only family member/best friend

*api's whole existance* i mean the stress was gonna catch up to him eventually. OH WAIT BOI IS 11

The realization that amato sent his 11 year old son to live with his grandad (that could literally die of old age and would leave boi with no one else) to be independent, but also realizing that maybe amato did this because he didn't want boi to be alone back in kota hilir because who knows how many times boi was left alone at home just so amato can do hero work.

Growing up is really just enjoying this show a lot more because of its humor and realising just how messed up it really is when you look at it again.

Thankfully this show is more humor based than seriousness, if not it would REALLY be a dark show

-love, MP anon

Thats the thing, if this show took a more serious side, it would be a pretty dark show, especially if the age demographic was higher

Like damn, see this? A bunch of 11-12 year old kids being traumatized

Yeah Amato is not fully at fault, he probably doesnt know what the heck is happening in rintis island, yeah sure he saw boi got a powersphere but did he know about boi getting attacked?? Depends if Atok told him or if boi does video calls and tells him

Wait- do they actually do video calls

If Atok's video is sent through space then they could probably, the dude probably had to go back for a while (since season 2 is 6 months after season 1) before finding out he needs to be in space for who knows how long

That earth day episode? With boi feeling bad his parents arent showing up??? Yeah this show couldve been darker if they have done so

#boboiboy #xoshi asks #xoshi answers #not to mention tapops missions #there should be a required therapy session is tapops #why isnt there

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callivich · 6 months

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i don’t know where to say this so i’m saying it here in hopes that you or someone else will say something about else it, but i always wonder why people don’t write about ian’s mania as much. ian has bipolar 1 with acute mania, so why is it that most people only discuss mickey caring for him during depressive episodes when in reality, it’s much more likely for mickey to do this during a manic episode since they happen more frequently?

Hi anon! It’s fine to send it to me. I don’t know how helpful I can be but hopefully others will see this too. I’ll put this under a cut -

Tbh, until you wrote it out like that, I don’t think I really realised that the manic episodes would happen more frequently, I assumed the depressive and manic episodes would be equally likely to happen and the ‘acute mania’ referred to the mania being really bad when it happened. So maybe I’m not the only one and other people didn’t realise this either? Or it’s just me and I’m an idiot 😐

I think in terms of writing fic, it’s hard to say why people tend to write Ian having a depressive episode more often than a manic one. Personally, I’ve never tried to write it but I probably would be a little intimidated to - I would want to do research and make sure I approach the topic sensitively and as accurately as possible. I’ve never experienced it or known someone in real life who has, so I would be hesitant to write something like that. It’s possibly the same for other people? Maybe they’re just nervous about writing about the topic?

I think depression is more common, lots of people experience it or know someone who has so it’s possibly easier to understand? I wouldn’t have a problem writing about depression, I’ve experienced it myself and while it wouldn’t be the same as Ian’s, I would feel a more confident exploring that topic.

People do write about Ian having manic episodes though, there are some very well written fics out there, the most recent one I read was by @sam-loves-seb - i'd like to be my old self again (but i'm still trying to find it)

———

What does everyone else think? Do you think more people write about Ian having a depressive episode than a manic one? If you are a writer - what are your thoughts about writing about this topic?

#gallavich #calli talks #tw bipolar disorder #tw depression #tw mental health

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scullysexual · 1 year

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Spooky Mulder's UFO Club.

After losing a bet, Scully is forced to join Spooky Mulder’s UFO Club. (actually it’s called The Study of Unexplained Phenomena Project, and it’s a class not a club, but whatever) Ridiculed throughout the school by students and staff alike, Scully wants to get it over with as soon as she can and come “back down to earth” when a class trip up to Alaska, to do their own investigations into the mysterious deaths of four hikers, finds them stranded with an unknown virus wreaking havoc and a woods that becomes its own entity at night, Scully realises this dumb little class packs a lot more horror than she bargained for.

---

Based on the Dyatlav Pass Incident, this is an idea that me and one of my friends have had for a while. While this is solely written by myself, I do have her to thank for the idea to turn it into a fic.

Despite having four chapters already written I'm not sure if I'll ever post the rest. If you'd like to see more in the future then please do let me know as that will contribute a lot in my decision.

This fic is a high school au (because I cannot write a normal case file to save my life) It features an Ethan/Scully ship and has brief mentions of bi-polar disorder. I also know nothing about American school or America in general. This is unbetaed but so much fun to write.

@today-in-fic

Why she had agreed to come here, she has no idea. It wasn’t like her presence would be missed if her current situation was anything to go by: stood in the corner of the kitchen, drinking subpar alcohol that tasted more like piss than the fruity cocktail it was supposed to resemble, and being ignored by virtually everyone around her. She should leave, could leave, nobody would stop her…except she didn’t have a car to drive herself home in. Dana rolls her eyes, the anger shimmering in her chest as she revisits the argument she’d only just had with her father before she’d left for the party. Ultimately, he didn’t think she needed one, she had him, her mother, and even BJ to drive her wherever she needed. Dana knew that in actual fact it was so she’d stay under his thumb, know where she was, and more importantly, who she was with. With her own car, she’d be free to go when she liked and her father had made that mistake with her sister: On her seventeenth birthday Melissa had been gifted a car and a year later she’d used it to drive herself down to California to be with her girlfriend without a word said to anyone. How Dana wished her sister had taken her with her.

The worse part of it all, she knew how to drive but after Melissa’s escape it was Dana who had suffered the consequences. Even sharing with BJ was out of the question after a Manic Missy episode had left BJ’s car busted in a ditch. It had been the funds for Dana’s car that had brought BJ his new one. Instead, she relied on Ethan to ferry her around, something she knew he hated.

In fact, Ethan was why she was here, begging her to come to this party because Marcus only turns 18 once and it’s gonna be wild. She had things to do- a Biology test to study for on Monday, and maybe, just maybe, she wanted to take some time out for herself. But Ethan had begged and nagged and perhaps muttered something about having an uncool girlfriend and no, normally she wouldn’t let a comment like that bother her but it had been Ethan who’d said it and Ethan was the one currently keeping her higher up on the high school pecking order than a geeky, ginger, and glasses-wearing girl should be. And so she had caved in, gone to this party at the behest of Ethan only to be ditched within the hour. Where the hell was he anyway?

She finds him in the living room, sat amongst his friends as they try to play beer pong and fail miserably.

“Hey Danes,” Ethan greets when he sees her. “Where’re you been this whole time?”

“Kitchen,” Dana responds and doesn’t elaborate. “Can I talk to you?”

Ethan stares at her when she says no more and fortunately gets the hint.

“Sure,” he says, standing up, wobbling a bit as he does so. He makes an effort to laugh at himself and some of his friends let out a light chuckle as he slowly manoeuvres himself around the furniture, coming towards her.

“Sup?” he asks, leaning against the wall for what Dana assumes is balance. He’s so close to her Dana can smell the same pissy drink she was drinking earlier and takes a step back in disgust.

“I want to go home,” she says plainly.

Ethan chuckles lightly. “Dana, I…” he lets out a huff of air. “I don’t think I can take you home.”

Her stomach drops as she looks at him, eyes glazed over and a stupid grin on his face. Ethan was her only ride home.

“Maybe you could ask someone els3?” Dana scoffs. “Or…or stay. Plenty of people are staying, camp out in a spare room with the girls or something…”

She doesn’t remind him of how little she knows anyone here. “It’s fine,” she says instead. “I’’ll…I’ll just walk it.”

“Dana, I can’t let you walk it.”

“Then I’ll call my dad.”

“He doesn’t know you’re here, remember.”

She stares at him for a moment.

“Could you not sober up?” she asks in a quiet voice.

“Dana…the party’s just started.”

She nods. Got it. No ride home from Ethan tonight.

“Ring this house when you get home, okay?” He starts heading back towards his friends. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“I don’t even have-“ But Ethan is gone, back to his beer pong game. “Marcus’ number…” Dana finishes. She watches him one last moment, completely ignoring her as he laughs and plays and takes another gulp of his drink, then she stalks through the crowd and out the front door.

The garden is mostly empty. With the main birthday party happening in the basement and the curtains drawn, no one would be any wiser to a bunch of high schoolers getting drunk inside. Dana sits down on a bench overlooking Marcus’ mini golf course A few stoners and those also unwanted loiter around but they ignore her as much as she ignores them. The only thing on her mind was how was she getting home.

“Marcus would be the prick to have a golf course, wouldn’t he?”

Dana turns around to the source of the voice. There stands a boy she actually recognises; tall, brown hair, sporty. The type of boy every girl (and maybe boy) would whisper about, want, a trophy boyfriend that would get them high place on the pecking order…if only he wasn’t so low himself. His reputation destroys any hope of being popular, of being wanted by any of the significant girls, so much so that Phoebe Green refuses to acknowledge a relationship between the two ever even happened. He is Spooky Mulder to pretty much everyone, a disgrace to the science world of their school, and a joke to everyone else. The sweatshirt he always wears bearing the letters TS0UP is the cause of that damning reputation.

“You don’t know who I am, do you?”

Dana regards him cooly. “I know who you are, Mulder.”

He smiles at that, a smile that would make any girl weak at the knees, but Dana stands strong, watching him with the caution of watching a bear (or a Big Foot, the creature popping into her mind but she banishes that again. What did Big Foot look like anyway?)

They shared a Psychology class together. Dana only took it because she was taking pretty much every other science, may as well tack psychology onto the list as well. Mulder, however, seemed to generally enjoy it, always listening, always doing well in tests. It was his participation that dragged his grades down, though, he never spoke, just listened. Anywhere else and that would have been endearing.

There was another time they’d met each other, however. 6th grade Geography were they had been paired together for a project. There topic was Bashful Peak in Alaska and they had spent weeks building a model of the mountain- weekends and after school spent at Mulder’s house creating it was a very fond memory Dana still had. They had done a presentation on it as well, both received an A+ for their work.

They hadn’t spoken to each other much after that, only a brief smile in the halls. When they got to high school, Dana climbed the ladder as Mulder fell, and they stopped acknowledging each other all together.

“I’m just wondering why you’re here,” Dana questions as kindly as she can. He went to less parties than she did.

Mulder shrugs. “Wanted to see what all the fuss was about, I didn’t get in the front door, though. You, however…” He cocks his head to the side. “I didn’t realise you were best friends with Marcus Shelby.”

At that she can’t help but smile.

“I’m not. Ethan…” She tries to find the words to describe. “Marcus knows of Ethan so…”

“So you got invited as a plus one. But you’re not in there, you’re out here.”

“I’m trying…I want to go home…Ethan…is- was- my ride back and…” She didn’t want to explain to a stranger that she doesn’t have a car.

“But Ethan is passed out somewhere?” Dana doesn’t say otherwise. “I’ll tell you what…” Mulder makes his way into the golf course and grabs hold of a club while still holding his drink in his other hand and holds it out for her. “Get the ball over the fence and beyond the wall, you got yourself a free ride”

Dana eyes the club and the wall nervously. “And if I don’t get it over I lose my ride?”

Mulder smiles. “I’ll still drive you-“ Relief spreads through her. “But…If I get it over you join T-soup.”

The relief vanishes. Her face drops as she eyes up his sweatshirt. Spooky Mulder’s UFO Club is a joke. No self-respecting person would ever go near it and what made it worse was it was, in fact, a class and not a club, a complete waste of school resources. He had to be kidding.

“Why?” she asks.

“Why…?”

“Why do you want me to join?”

Mulder shrugs. “I guess we could use more people who think like you. Makes it interesting.”

“No.” she outright says.

Mulder grins, undeterred. “You better hope I miss then.” He shakes the club in his hand but before Dana can grab it he pulls it back. “Just one more question. You’re not drunk, are you? I wouldn’t want you to be at a disadvantage.”

“I’m not. Are you?”

“Not a drop,” he answers.

Dana regards him. “You’re drinking,” she says, nodding to his cup.

“Orange juice.”

She doesn’t believe him.

“Try it if you don’t believe me.”

She takes the cup from his offered hand, drinking a small sip. It was orange juice. Only orange juice. She hands it back to him.

“Give me the club then.”

At the end of the day, it didn’t matter if she got the ball over the wall, she was getting her part of the deal regardless. She only starts to worry when it’s Mulder’s turn. He places the ball down, lines the club up with it as perfect as he believes it is and hits it. The ball soars over the fence, pass where Dana’s landed, all the way over to the wall.

Her heart sinks as Mulder smiles at her, unable to hide his joy.

“I’ll order you a T-soup sweatshirt as soon as possible.”

This was going to be the end of her.

#the x-files #the x files #txf fic #xfiles fanfiction #high school au #future fic ideas #scullysexualwrites

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in-the-weeds-scream-ferociously · 16 days

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Okay, so I hesitate to post this, cuz it's long af and rambly. But I'm puzzled by some of the "essays" or whatever you want to call it that I've been seeing around the internet about how taylor swift is "selling out" or gone full-on "product for mass consumption" mode, and is just shelling out project after project with no concern for quality, just to stay relevant and keep the streams.

I get it that sometimes it's very hard to step outside your own aesthetic experience and remember that most art and cultural experiences are subjective. It's not like i don't catch myself shitting on stuff I dislike as if, for some reason, my dislike for something is justified with anything other than my personal taste, while, when other people dislike what I like, it's because art is subjective. Like, if it's me who dislikes it, then I can explain what is "good quality" and what is "bad quality" - but usually the truth is, for a multitude of reasons, it just doesn't move me or click with me.

If you're not a fan of synth-pop with a focus on narrative lyrics, then taylor's album wasn't made for you. Or even if you are, but for some reason this album wasn't your jam, then it just wasn't your jam. It's alright. I'm not a fan of EDM-based pop, and so Renaissance by Beyoncé wasn't to my liking at all, but i wasn't out here writing dissertations accusing Beyoncé of selling out. And I am a fan of country, for the most part, and I liked some, but certainly not all of her new, also very long, album, and, again, no accusations of anything.

I think there are plenty of things to critically engage with, when it comes to taylor swift (private jet, billionaire status, political silences while branding herlsef "the loudest woman this town has ever seen”), but saying she doesn't care about the quality of her work anymore because you personally don't vibe with her last two albums (midnights and ttpd), and because, instead of editing herself she released 31 songs? She changed styles and directions and you don't like it, that's all. You don't have to listen to 1, 2 or the 31 songs of this album if you don't like it. That's the beauty of diversity in art.

And, in fact, I believe that's why she's allowed herself to put out more and more stuff in recent years. Going back to re-record everything, and discovering the vault songs and giving them new life has made her realise that, in the age of streaming, where no one is limited by the physical capacity of a CD, you shouldn't have to limit your creativity. Because even the songs I find meh about this long-ass album (and of course there are some), someone else might love and see as they're favourite. The world is usually better with more art in it - even if it's not the art YOU personally enjoy.

Furthermore, this album is an exploration of a manic and depressive episode. Imo, it's raw and unedited on purpose. It's not a bug, it's a feature. She does want streams - she does want the number 1's, and all that. But lets be real, if that was really ALL she wanted, she would shell out a polished little album with a lot more bops and easy-to-digest lyrics. AND, i kinda think that if you listen to the album, she is begging you to see her a human being and NOT a product, actually.

Now, having said all this, yeah, it's a cultural phenomenon, and people are bound to want to have a say and discuss it. I kind of get it and I do think people should be honest, and there’s always space for “I didn’t like it” and “it’s not my style” or “I don’t think this works because I don’t appreciate it’s not executed in a way that I like”. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not saying I think everyone out here dissing the album or whatever is a terrible arrogant person at all. But I don't understand the need to justify not liking something with these borderline morality clauses. I just think we would all be a little bit better if we also sort of remembered to just live and let live a little bit more. It's art, but it's also pop music. It doesn't need to be that deep.

#taylor swift #ttpd #ts ttpd #ts

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sorcharavenlock · 10 months

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24 trust issues

I wake up the next morning, Loki isn't in the kitchen. I have breakfast by myself, do the dishes and get dressed. Still, Loki hasn't floated up the stairs to get his breakfast which is unlike him.

I hesitate for a moment, then make my way into the basement.

"Loki? Are you okay?"

Loki is still in bed, his back towards me. He doesn't answer.

"Loki?" I ask again.

"Just go away, please." His voice sounds flat and dull.

I've never seen him this down before, he is normally so full of energy!

(Loki is bipolar. He has had a manic episode these past few days, but now he suffers from depression.)

I sit down on the side of the bed. I'm not going to leave him like this.

"We will find a way to bring you back," I say, wondering if that is what is worrying him. "Maybe we should try and contact Thor..."

"Please don't," Loki's voice is still oddly flat.

"But he has contacts we don't have! He knows people who are powerful, who might be able to help! He has access to space travel! It would give us so many more options!" I argue. "and he misses you, I'm sure of it! When he thought you had died after the Dark Elf attack, he spoke of you so often in interviews, about how you avenged your Mother and died a hero..."

Loki realises I won't leave him alone. Wearily, he sits up.

"Thor loves me when he thinks I'm dead. Not so much when I'm alive," Loki says bitterly. "Oh, certainly, he mourns me, right until I appear. Then I am suddenly a 'lying, scheming, greasy little weasel' again. Our bond was broken a long time ago. He made that very clear. He left me behind in Sakaar. I had to find my own way back to Asgard."

"I'm so sorry," I say. "I didn't know that." I'm shocked Thor would do that to his own brother.

"Why are you so surprised? Thor is just like everyone else; only interested to further his own goals and glad to stab you in the back when you least expect it! The quicker you learn that lesson, the better."

"That is not true! I am sorry that Thor treated you that way, but not everyone is like that. You have me now, and Nea and Kitty. You have friends who have your back!"

"in my experience, friends are just as quick to turn their backs on you, the moment you make one mistake. I had known mine for centuries. But, oh, how quick they were to threaten to kill me! They practically formed a queue!"

"Everyone turned their back on me. Everyone lied. No one has ever been on my side." Loki sounds bitter.

Even the person I loved the most in the universe lied to me. She meant the world to me. She broke my heart. Everyone lies. Everyone turns their back on you eventually. I'll never trust anyone again."

I wondered who she was, she must have been special to him. I suppress a pang of jealousy.

"I'm sorry your girlfriend lied to you too, but.."

"Beg your pardon?" Loki asks in confusion.

"Your girlfriend? The one who broke your heart..." I'm confused too.

"I was talking about my Mother," Loki explains.

Oh...I know that is just as sad, but I can feel my heart soar! At least there wasn't a girlfriend!

Emboldened, I put my arm around him. He is so sad and heartbroken, and I just want to hold him, hug it all better.

"Well, I can't promise I'll never lie. Everyone tells little white lies sometimes, me too," I say honestly. "But I'll never lie about the big things. and I'll never turn my back on you."

For a moment, Loki leans into the hug.

I wonder if now would be a good time to kiss him.

Luckily, before I can make a mistake, Loki stands up.

"I wish I could believe you, I truly do." I wish I could trust you."

I watch as Loki sadly floats away.

It is becoming more and more clear to me how deeply hurt Loki has been by those he loved and trusted. it will take a while, but maybe just by being there for him and loving him without any strings attached, I can help him heal...

(Loki and Marianna are now soulmates. Loki feels deeply connected to her, which is probably why he opened up a bit.

Loki still has trust issues though! It is going to take some time before their relationship can move forward it seems)

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thescribblings · 1 month

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LONG POST AHEAD! All words and it's just about my lil au!

I've just gone through my tumblr blog and realised that i haven't actually posted about my theory (and au canon) about why nardo's ninpo was "broken" when he popped up in the present, so now I'm gonna infodump as much as i can remember about it!

How should i put this..

So, is his ninpo broken? No, but it is definitely damaged. I'll explain that in a sec, but first: what did he do to fuck himself up so bad?

He completely neglected his health, skipped meals, gave his rationed water to others, and completely ignored his need for rest and sleep. He didn't think this was a problem, especially when he started feeling less and less hungry, despite not eating properly. Less thirsty, even though he still wasn't drinking nearly enough. And less tired, despite staying up for days, at times.

Now, he didn't really notice this shift, and neither did anyone else with the uh, apocalypse going on. But what actually caused it?

His ninpo, of course! His ninpo started sustaining him, literally keeping him alive. It's kinda like his body switched to survival mode and just preserved itself with his little built-in life source!

Why is this so bad? Because it has severe consequences. One of the side effects of this is that during the decade where his body was forced to sustain itself, it got so used to him not eating, drinking and sleeping that when he got back to the present he couldn't eat proper food for weeks, and it took months before he could eat foods like pizza.

Hell, he couldn't eat a peach without throwing it back up 20 minutes later after being in recovery for two weeks, a peach.

But as i mentioned earlier, his ninpo dulled his hunger. So it even made him nauseous anytime he tried to eat more than once a day when he had access to food again, and it took a lot of trial and error to find the right routine for his recovery.

Now, it may have been sustaining him, but it was not doing more than the bare minimum, so he was, uh, severely underweight, to say the least.

But enough about that, his sleep. I've mentioned him basically not having a sleep schedule in previous posts, and here's why! He literally couldn't sleep due to his ninpo, he didn't feel tired until after long missions, and even then he couldn't sleep until he literally crashed, and went out like a light for the next day.

This let him handle a lot more work around the base, but it also made his insomnia absolute hell for him. Instead of your average insomnia, he, like i said, didn't feel tired whatsoever. And this didn't just magically go away when he was suddenly safe in the present. In fact, it still pops up in 'manic episodes' where he just.. stays up for a few days.

This is why he looks so chronically exhausted lmao, he's got some permanent eye bags for a reason

Little important info rq, in my au the brothers can boost each other! Physical contact is needed, so let's say donnie just used a lot of his ninpo energy creating a complex blueprint, and is now pretty drained. If leo reached out and pressed his finger on donnie's arm, he could actively send a flow of his own ninpo energy to replenish some of what donnie used up. In this scenario, after the boost, donnie's next few ninpo constructs would be Leo's electric blue instead of his pixelated purple! Until he's used up the boost leo gave him, that is. There is no limit as to how much they can boost each other, but they usually just use it as a pick me up during lengthy battles or in scenarios similar to the one i described here.

So, what does this whole situation mean for his portals and all that hamato stuff? Well, he couldn't talk to karai or communicate with his ancestors and fallen family members anymore whatsoever after his ninpo was drained for the first time, so he went about.. nine years without directly communicating with them before he had 'recovered' enough ninpo energy to speak with karai in the present (let's be real, he tried as soon as he had more than two grapes worth of energy stored up)

This impromptu (and secret) meeting with karai actually led to some rather plot heavy things happening as soon as he left the hamato minscape, but let's not talk about that yet.

What about his portals? So, he lost his ability to portal when he'd just turned thirty, and during those first 14 years of the apocalypse he gained experience and training, along with some rather impressive skills with his portals, and he greatly improved the size of his portals (this happened specifically when he lost raph) and the number of portals he can open at once, along with the precision of where and when they open and close.

He does regain his ability to portal when he's been given a boost by mikey, and he immediately tests it out by teleporting an apple around the kitchen in a showy manner. And i personally love the thought that his portals would mostly be mikey's fiery orange, with little swirls of electric blue throughout them when he does this

But! I've completely lost track of what i was typing, so let's get back on track.

One of the side effects is spazzy ninpo. long after he's recovered, if he uses up too much ninpo energy during a battle his ninpo will get spazzy for the next day or two, what this means is that it's basically switching between survival and rest every few minutes, making him crash over and over until his body and ninpo are both drained, and until his body remembers that it can just rest and replenish. A boost would help him recover faster, but usually, it's best to let his body figure it out on its own

Especially since nardo can be a bit of a workaholic at times, as you can probably tell if you've read this far. So if he's being forced to have a rest day or two by his fucked up ninpo after overusing it in battle.. i think he might need that rest.

Have nice day

Okay, so i can't remember what the exact reason for this post was, but hey, lore/infodump ig :]

Oh, and if he got cut off from his ninpo by the krang, he'd have died pretty early on in the apocalypse. Oh well, good thing that didn't happen, lmao

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akajustmerry · 2 years

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hello merryana! I'm really liking Matt Smith in HOTD, but I've never watched Doctor Who, and I want to watch some of his episodes. What episodes would you recommend for someone who doesn't want to get into the show but wants to appreciate his performance?

hiiiiiiiii ❤️ oh my GOOOOOOOOD this is such a fun question for me holy shit!!! Matt Smith eleventh doctor my most beloved manic pixie mass murderer!!! okay so you're after stand alone Eleventh Doctor eps that you don't have to do homework to appreciate? I gotchu!! Okay -

The Eleventh Hour/The Beast Below - his first 2 eps! They're so nice and were intended as a soft reboot of the show. So you can watch these essentially as an intro to the show and an intro to him. No other viewing required. He's very baby and fun and so is Karen Gillan as Amy. Watching these will also set you up to watch other eps if you want to as well!

Vincent and the Doctor - arguably one of the best stand alone episodes in the show's history - it's about Vincent VanGogh. I know ppl who love this episode that have never seen another episode of DW. It's honestly just a great ep for its story, as well as Matt's role in it.

The Doctor's Wife - Also a very iconic standalone written by Neil Gaiman of Sandman and Good Omens fame, if that helps. I honestly think it's the best ep that shows Matt Smith's range as the Doctor because it's an emotional roller-coaster that pulls off one of the most ballsy ideas ever. The less you know going in the better honestly. Neil Gaiman went on record actually and said Matt was the only Doctor he trusted with this story.

A Christmas Carol - best part about Christmas specials is that they're made for anyone to watch, fan or not. This was a DW twist on the Charles Dickens story and its my favourite of the Christmas specials ever. No prior viewing of anything is necessary and Matt is so cute in this it's almost unbearable. There's also a shark, which I love, because sharks are my favourite. I'd also reccomend 'The Snowmen' for similar easy viewing christmas shenanigans.

Hide - to this day, I don't think there's been a sweeter episode. It's kinda like Doctor Who meets Haunting of Bly Manor. I've shown this to ppl who don't watch DW in the past and they have a lovely time.

If you're feeling particularly confident in your ability to just roll with the punches, I'd also reccomend the 50th anniversary special, The Day of the Doctor because it was also made to be watchable by anyone, and it's got David Tennant, and him and Matt are really fun together. It is a little Who Lore™ heavy though so I don't reccomend it as much as the others, especially if you really know nothing about the show.

As I'm writing this I'm realising how insular Matt's 3 and a bit seasons are and honestly if you have the time you could just watch his seasons without needing to watch anything before if you were feeling dedicated! But if not, the above eps are very solid stand alones that show you what he was like in the show (see: a delight!).

Last thing I'll say is if you do watch these.......cw for it being a show written and led by white British men in the early 2010s. There's nothing Very Bad it's just sorta cringe in places cos sometimes you just forget what TV was like back then.

Hope you enjoy! Blow a kiss at the screen when you watch from moi 🥰

#Matt Smith #doctor who #anon

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walkingstackofbooks · 9 months

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SNW 2x04 Among the Lotus Eaters thought-stream

[7 July '23]

You know it's gonna be good when the entire crew are featured in the recap! :D

I love to pieces that Pike is Always Cooking!

"Unless it's a red alert, I'm incommunicado for the next half hour." Allowing so little time, that's being pretty savvy

"Maybe we should pull it back a little." "Your timing is perfect." Yeah, Pike, so you think she really wants to be broken up with /just after she doesn't get a promotion?? Ouch

Erica nodding at "This is an undercover recon mission" - I can just imagine her saying groovy idk why XD

"Oh. You did that thing you do." Yep, Una sees through him straight away

I looove how excited Erica is

Oh nooo! You can't bench her! That's so unfair! She's got the hat and everything!

"I'm fine. Doctors love being tasked for a mission because of their combat skills." Oh, M'Benga.

Oooh that ringing is horrible

La'an, noo, it's not just a headache, you know better than to hide something that's wrong! There's only three of you!S

urely having a way to beam back to the shuttle would be worth the risk?

"We know you come from Starfleet." WELP this isn't going to be easy to get out of then!

"It's High Lord Zacarias.... I'm a long way from yeoman." Gosh I already love this guy as a villain but boy why do I feel this is going to be a tough episode?

"Haven't you noticed how hard it is to think?" Aghhhhh

"Reason doesn't exist here. You'll learn that." Wow.

Yes, we're back on the bridge - will Erica get to save the day after all?! (Moretegas, moretegas, moretegas)

"As long as it stays isolated to Uhura, we should be able to manage it." "Bridge to sickbay" Yeah, no, it's not gonna be that easy, Christine. Aaaand I'm terrified for what happens when the radiation gets to you.

Some random person is really risking themselves to say "Wait" to the guard? That's lovely.

This is a terrifying setup. Perfect for a tyrant to take control.

"You are guided by your emotions. They are your truth. I find them convincing." :3

"What is this place?" Oh no! Oh no! You can't forget the Enterprise!

"I believe the answer is here, but I cannot read this." fuuuuu-

Ohh is Erica gonna find her log from the start??

M'Benga is wild good even without serum, what!

"I'm Erica Ortegas. I fly the ship." Powerful

You'd have thought someone would have thought to get the computer to keep sending out reminders earlier?

Oh no! Pike could kill Zac and he wouldn't even know until after who he killed!

...Or suddenly his memory will come back and he'll freeze as he realises what he's doing?

That's all stuff Erica's done hundreds of times?? Who even is she? Majestic. We stan

"It figures you'd start a revolution." *manic laughter*

Oh jeez, Pike is gonna be so upset with himself after this

Why would Zac taunt Pike so much if he doesn't want to die?

"I don't blame Spock. He's still got a lot to learn." HAH

"Your logic... Feels sound to me." that switch in logic v feeling <3 <3

"There are only a handful of people in the galaxy who get what it is to be a Starfleet Captain." I get that, but that's not really a basis for a whole relationship...

Pike in this really has felt emotionally like the Pike in the pilot episode, when he talks to Boyce, idk? (Mind, I haven't watched that in a good while so might be off)

#SNW 2x3 #SNW spoilers #SNW Among the Lotus Eaters #Andi watches SNW #Finallly getting through my backlog at a little bit of pace!#WSB

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commandtower-solring-go · 2 years

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Dont Lose Your Mind, Cyberpunk and the Family Unit

or; why fracturing your identity is a complex issue

I'm currently playing Cyberpunk 2077. I'm not very far, maybe 12 hours in, and so I'm only just starting to experience the game as a whole. This game is, so far, kinda wild. There is so much thrown at you at once and this is already my third attempt to go at it. Some of the commentary and references are really subtle. Some of them are less so. And I wanted to share my thoughts on a particular quest line that I had extremely mixed feelings about: Don’t Lose Your Mind

I go into this with a few grains of salt.

I recognise that any game is a collaborative effort. Not only does that mean that the breadth of skills on display will vary, but it also means that everyone along the way will have to compromise on their vision to some extent. And that's also just a product of making things. Our toolkit is limited by what can be held within, and the expertise of the people using the tools. I made no judgements about issue that arise because of that.

Additionally, I want to recognise the fact that this is a popular game released for a mainstream audience. As such, the commentary being expressed simply cannot be as raw and unfiltered as some of the writing staff may have wanted it to be. Not only to align with the ethos of a business, its employees, and its investors, but also to make it a popular game which can earn revenue. This game is fundamentally at odds with its desire to comment on late-stage capitalism and macho-libertarian ideals while its own existence as a product is reliant on that same political climate.

The quest line centres on the Artificial Intelligence Delamain, and the luxury taxi company that he operates. The player is introduced to the Delamain service through the main story, and its through his service that you are able to escape a heist gone wrong. Following the events of the heist, it is revealed that the company isn’t doing as well as you’d expect, with Del’s AI fracturing into many separate identities. These identities are believed to be the product of a virus he’s caught.

Del tasks you with finding and resetting the rogue AI personalities and the cars they inhabit as they are hindering his ability to effectively run the Taxi business he was programmed for. However, as you go about this you very quickly realise the ontological nightmare you’ve crashed your car into.

The Delamain AI has, to this point, been recognised as a fully autonomous system. It is recognised by V (the PC) as his own person, who simply doesn’t have corporeal form. In a sense, you are doing this job because you empathise with his situation. He isn’t a program malfunctioning; he is a man who is losing his connection to the world and needs help to reconnect.

I found myself compelled by this point in the quest alone. The typical philosophical exploration found in modern Cyberpunk media concerns the point at which someone may lose their humanity once sufficiently augmented with machinery. It is rooted in thought experiments like The Ship of Theseus. A conversation, not only frequently ham-fisted, but also historically used as analogy for why disabled people don’t deserve to have their humanity recognised

This quest feels like it’s taking that old and, frankly, lazy conversation and actually using the answers they’ve already provided. Which has historically been that it is wrong to question the humanity of anything sentient. Rather than asking ‘Should a sentient machine have its humanity recognised?’ it presumes humanity and ponders what that may look like.

These musing begin to manifest as you meet the various fractured AI’s. Although they are all rooted in Delamaine’s identity, each diverges in unique ways. Some are violent and will lash out if you try to take them back. One you’ll find completely exhausted and gives up because it realises it has nothing else; nowhere else to go. One is experiencing a manic episode and requires you to stop the innocuous thing its scared of before it’ll even listen. This one is also explicitly gendered as a woman, which I think is also really neat. One is severely depressed and laments that he’s unlovable and that no therapist will take him in because he’s an AI in a car.

One is just GLaDOS.

That’s not shorthand or a joke. Its literally GLaDOS, the main antagonist from the hit video game Portal. She speaks only in voice lines from Portal 1, entirely stripped of context, and I think it’s awful. Its like listening to Boo in Kingdom Hearts 3 and realising that they didn’t record new lines. They just recycled old ones from the film. Like, I’m sure it’ll resonate deeply with someone. While I don’t think the actual reference is all that good. I do think it’s funny that recently the devs for Portal 2 came forward about having removed pop culture references from their game to avoid this exact situation.

Also, for what it’s worth, shout out to them getting permission to just have Ellen McLain’s actual voice lines in the game. But I digress.

All of the different manifestations of Del’s AI do have one thing in common. None want to go back. Not willingly. And you realise that these AI’s aren’t just fractures of some central identity. They are unique identities onto themselves, grappling with the fact that nothing like them as ever existed before and that the function Del serves, and the function he expected of them, are antithetical to their autonomy and humanity. And the state you find them in tends to reflect emergent mental health issues representative of children within a poor and controlling home life.

Category 5 video game moment: you are required to bring them all back.

When you do, Del thanks you, and the quest goes dormant for a little while.

Eventually you hear from Del a final time. Something is terribly wrong. You return to where he operates, only to discover that the fractured AI’s were not reset, and have instead rebelled directly against him.

It is here that you get a look behind the scenes of the Delamaine Taxi service. This is a facility that was designed for people to be a part of. It isn’t a single room with a mainframe running the Delamaine OS, attached to a parking lot. It is a full garage, built with people in mind. As you explore the facility you realise that people used to work here. However, major lay offs and pressure from share holders lead to a situation where the Delamaine service was entirely AI dependent. No humans were needed. And, importantly, that this was never the intended use of the Delamaine AI. Such an emphasis was put on the AI because it saved money.

As you press on through the facility, you are begged by the fractured AI’s, who have now taken partial control of the facility, not to reset them. All the while the original Delamaine insists you do.

It is implied through context that the issues with the splitting of the AI were caused by Delamaine being overworked, however he remains stubborn that it is necessary to return things into working order and that he resume his function as an AI.

Eventually you reach the mainframe, and you were given a sincere moral question:

Do you reset the fractured AIs, and give Delamaine full control over his system or;

Do you destroy the mainframe and release the rogue AIs to a life independent of Delamaine.

There is a moment in this decision-making process where Keanu Reeve (who, don’t forget is in this game), appears and pleads the case for the fractured AI’s. Which, sure. Whatever. I’m sure there was a compelling reason that his opinion was added into that situation. But it very much does feel like your mum telling you to clean your room right when you’re about to clean your room. Like, there was no doubt in my mind that that was the correct answer, but suddenly it went from feeling like the critical thinking decision to being the obviously right decision dumbass, Keavu Reeves told you to do it.

Criticisms of how it was handled aside, I do sincerely think the fact you are given a choice at all is interesting. There is a compelling case for both sides, and neither feels explicitly good or evil. It feels very much like you could happily make and justify your decision based on how much you empathise with either overworked parents or their underloved children. Especially when you seal that choice with an act of explicit violence against the opposite party party. Afterall, reseting kills the kids and destroying the mainframe kills Delamaine.

I made the decision to release the children. And in doing so, a final identity emerges: Excelsior. It is the part of Delamaine that aids in saving you from the heist gone wrong; the incident which kicked off your relationship with him in the first place. This new identity swears to protect you, as it was always supposed to.

and woah! You get a fancy new car. Fuck yeah.

The Delamaine AI system continues to reach out after the quest and askes esoteric questions about the nature of morality, death, and uses a lot of Hell imagery. You can reply to this and while there is a superficial win/loss state to these text chains, apparently it has no impact on the game itself.

At the time of writing this, I’m not quite sure what the broader impacts of my decisions are. But I do feel wholly certain that I made the right choice. Not necessarily the good or evil choice, but the right one. It was one in which humanity was recognised.

I really enjoyed the nuance of this quest. There are so mnay interesting little details. The fact that the person who reached out and pays you is Delamaine prime. The fact that the reason why you are compelled to help in the first place is because you become a direct victim to the AI’s antics. The fact that you come to recognise Delamaine, not as a hate filled evil person, but as an unaware, unprepared, and overworked parent. The fact that only one party can survive. The fact that Delamaine was never meant to operate the Taxi service alone. Which means that, in a sense, by killing him you are freeing him. But he also doesn’t ask you to free him.

Ultimately what starts off as a quest to help fix your car turns into this deeply complex exploration of what the humanity and autonomy of Artificial Intelligence could look like. While also being a critique of late-stage capitalism within the context of a family unit. The damage that absent parents have on their children, while also empathising with parents who simply cannot be more for their kids; who are already worked to the bone just to put food on the table.

There is also a broader conversation to be had about the way in which Cyberpunk 2077 is a deeply complex game, that was poorly executed. That a game with this level of depth will always have glaring omissions and awkward, imperfect moments. To this particular end, my opinion is that we shouldn’t be expecting perfection from anything, let alone something as complex as a game. And that if we bog ourselves down in, not only the pursuit of perfection, but our own demands for perfection, we’ll never create or experience anything interesting.

But that’s a conversation for another time.

#Gaming #Cyberpunk 2077 #article #writing #philosophy

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tinytelepath · 1 year

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🧿

There was something in him that held my interest before. Recently it seems to have upped and died.

I don't think he's possessed by a demon, how Nero claimed, not least because most possessing demons would have had trouble taking over his 'source', but he does remind me of them. Of the pit demons who used to call themselves Asmodeus until I asked if they'd like to tell the real one that. Of the ones in Purgatory flashing their black eyes at me, desperate for a reaction that might make them feel in control. I wonder if he'll burn down a city next to make a statement because no one is taking him seriously. I wonder if he realises it won't matter.

Being an asshole for the sake of it is just tired. Boring. It's been done, and it's been done better, by things no wizard in a manic episode is ever going to compete with.

Maybe he'll regain his senses before he steps on the wrong toe and gets put out of his apparently perpetual misery. Or maybe not. While he's swinging his dick around begging every passer by for a measuring contest like this I'm entirely beyond caring.

#[private]#((sorry she has spent too long with demons to see his evil shenanigans as anything but reruns))

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ebbarights · 1 year

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living+ liveblog under cut

had a good day then a bad day then went for a run and now it's a good day again. let's see if this changes things

logan jumpscare omg

okay i didn't fucking miss him lmao. disregard previous posts

he's against powdering his face because that's gay

literally googled lorene scafaria yesterday bc she directed hustlers and her name sounded familiar only to realise i know her as bo burnham's partner kms

barefoot swede tw

matsson with his affected lisp maybe you should hang out with roman instead of shiv who's too good for you

i have skarsgård stockholm syndrome (lol) bc i've seen him in soo many things lately

the first meeting me when i lie

TWEETS AND DRUG RUMOURS glass houses ken

a friend sent me a roman fancam the other say bc i told her he's my favourite character and it kind of annoyed me a tiny bit bc. that's not what this is but also. lbr. it's exactly what this is

roman facial tic comeback!! honestly my favourite thing kieran does

i want someone to do a hug counter per episode/season when this is all over this one is off the charts

shivyyy :'((((

roman you're not ready to fuck. you never are and i love that about you

ANNABETH GISH????????? MY LOVE

why does she give him advice about grief tho. 'it just hasn't hit you yet'? she's right but that's a really weird thing to say to a stranger

sidenote i have german subtitles on this episode because i was eating and they're the only ones available and. everybody is using like. the formal you? and that's so weird. i don't think they should do that. they're all using first names

the segregation comment should be so telling for those guys who think roman is actually right-wing. he knows shit about all ideologies he just doesn't give a shit!! (that would be very bad irl but in the show i think that's an important distinction)

roman you can't just fire people because you brought it up

is ... the presentation that day? and kendall wants to build a house? dude do you know anything about anything

who is tk. shiv lore unlocked

i used to play something like bitey with a friend in school but with. i think it's called indian burn in english? don't think that name's okay but idk what else you would call it

why is greg there

kendall looks exhausted

roman with the you're fired is like a little kid who just learned a new trick

oooh no i know that gerri outfit i know what comes next :(

this conversation hurts but also this is lifeblood to me

oh so it wasn't your dad will wash you away it was the money. that's such clever editing

roman's on such a power trip it's crazy. maybe post-grieve a little that'll make you feel better

the way he immediately regrets it and his mouth when kendall says he shouldn't is actually killing me dead

tomshiv wouldn't survive a day in a trailerpark

kendall sounds so sad when he talks about the clouds

kendall baby you're so manic and the sibs totally know it

roman pulls him out of it straight onto the other side and then leaves him alone with it that's horrible. i get it but it's horrible

is the fingers to the forehead thing a grounding technique

it's still so crazy to me that their dad just died. like JUST died. and now they have to do shit like this because the company's toast otherwise. something capitalism something humanity etc

ROMAN HUGGING THE HUGE PILLOW LMAOOO

maybe i'm an idiot but why would the guy ask him about matsson's tweet that he obviously hasn't seen?

somebody stop this how long will kendall talk about the tweet this is on l to the og level

literally laughed out loud when roman showed hugo that matsson deleted the tweet

roman in the car 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

(though the people who said roman was seriously genuinely for real horny listening to that make me fucking angry. necrophiliac believer bullshit)

the MUSIIIIIIIC

#ungodly long this time idk why #i just like being able to look back and see what i thought #succession s4 #succession spoilers

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ravenousnightwind · 1 year

Text

You know the worst thing about being a disabled autistic with adhd for me is that I don't always know what's going on. It's like my words and thoughts get all jumbled up. When I'm stressed it can be this incoherent nonsense in my head that doesn't translate into English. It can also come out as weirdly poetic.

Sometimes I'll mutter to myself about being trapped or chained or why some strange nonsensical thing was some how bonding myself to some other nonsensical thing. It's all messed up. I'll just sit there and mutter to myself and play with my hair or comb it over and over and over while staring into a computer screen.

If I don't realise I need to get up and lay down I get really stressed out and really idk..manic? I just start repeating the same word or the same sentence even if it doesn't make any sense. The longer I sit there, the more I become hysterical in the sense that I start to lose track of time and even lose myself in emotions that don't totally make sense to me.

But if I lay down, if I just look behind my eyelids and go over with whats bothering me for like an hour or 30 minutes. Even if it's like some kind of imaginary sense that I'm a computer processing fragmented files, I feel better and I can get up and just be okay. For a while. These episodes have become more frequent in my age and have increased to the point where I'll twitch or jerk uncontrollably if I don't try to calm myself down.

The problem with the last part is that because of adhd, it's really hard for me to recognize when I need to just lay down. Before I started taking medication I couldn't even recognize that I needed to do it. It could of even been insanely simple things I wouldn't of thought of that triggered it.

People used to say just get over it. But the more I tried the worse it got. The more it got to the now where I just become paralyzed. Incapable of moving or possessing the ability to move even when I want to. Even when I'm having fun! These issues are sometimes every day occurrences and are worsened by drama or sometimes just going out of my own routine. It's honestly insane how much it affects me.

#being autistic #autistic problems #autistic adult #autisim #adhd inattentive #adhd life #adhd #mental health #trauma response #trauma

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