#i just literally could not believe something that didnt have proof i could see or touch | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

taintedcigs · 9 months

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we’d still worship this love — e.m.

part two of even if it’s a false god.

pairing: modern!college!fboy eddie x fem!reader

warnings: smut!!!!!!, 18+, MINORS DNI. p in v, cr*ampie, unprotected s*x, angstangstangst, eddie regrets everything!!, jealous eddie, a bit of protective steve, drinking, swearing, praises, nicknames, fluff!!

summary: in which eddie regrets what he said to you. (wc:6.3k+)

a/n: literally the lyrics match up soooo well w the story imo im sorry for the last line ok i rlly tried to hold myself back not to directly write any lyrics lmao. this is CHEESY. i hate THE ENDING. as usual! but im so glad u guys liked pt. one and i didn't want to deprave any of u !!! i did not proof-read so pls ignore any mistakes!! hope u guys enjoy this lmk what u think mwah!!

Eddie sighed as he checked the kitchen, you were still nowhere to be found.

He had fucked up.

So badly.

He grabbed the half-empty red cup sitting on the kitchen stand. A whiff of alcohol hit his senses as soon as he tried to sniff it; it reeked, but Eddie didn’t care at this point, downing it like it was water.

He grabbed the pack of cigarettes sitting in his back pocket, walking miserably toward the backyard as he lit the cigarette sitting between his lips.

“Let’s get you to Steve’s, yeah?” The voice that passed by him was quick to grab his attention.

Robin.

“Robin?” He exclaimed excitedly, causing Robin to mouth “Don’t”.

He took a step to get closer to you but stopped quickly in his tracks; he had caused enough fucking damage.

He made his bed, and now he needed to lie in it.

He watched as you and Robin left, leaving him all alone.

2 HOURS LATER

DON’T ANSWER: im so fuckhjing sorry

DON’T ANSWER: i didnt fuckingmeanit lije that i swear

DON’T ANSWER: pls talk to me

DON’T ANSWER: r u at steve? i can come

DON’T ANSWER: pleaseeeeee we can’t leave things like this.

You heaved a sigh reading his texts, he was drunk again, and you weren’t going to entertain him.

You blocked this contact.

“He’s texting me.” You groaned, chucking your phone away as you plopped yourself onto Steve’s bed.

“What did he say?” Steve asked curiously.

“He wants to see me and talk, he’s drunk again.” You replied curtly, head still filled with the words he uttered to you.

“I just… I can’t believe he’d say that.” Robin chimed in, shaking her head.

“I could. He’s an asshole.” You rolled your eyes.

“Yeah… but I always thought he had a soft spot for you.” Robin muttered.

You chuckled dryly. “He has a soft spot for my body.” You crinkled with disgust.

Robin shook her head as she spoke. “No, I mean it, Y/N… I really don’t believe he meant it like—”

Steve was quick to interrupt. “Jesus, Robin, stop making excuses for him. I know he’s your friend and all, but he fucked up. And there’s nothing he can do now to ever take back the things he did to her!” He exclaimed, the two of them started bickering back and forth.

You wanted to sink into the bed; you so badly wanted to believe Robin, believe that Eddie’s words were all just a lie, just something he made up on the spot just because he was afraid.

But Steve was right—even if it was a lie, even if it was all a huge misunderstanding, nothing he could do would undo the amount of pain he caused you. The nights you spent sobbing—nothing could change that.

But a part of you also knew that, if Eddie ever caught you in a moment of weakness again, you’d do it all over again; you’d let him ruin you all over again, just to have him complete you for the mere seconds he made you feel loved.

The bickering and the storm in your mind stopped with a sudden knock on Steve’s door.

The three of you looked at each other in unison.

Shit.

Did that stupid bastard really have the audacity to come here?

You looked over at Steve with pity, about to open your mouth and beg, plead with him to do something, and he was quick to understand your train of thought. “I got this.” He muttered, hand squeezing your knee for comfort before he attended the door.

As soon as the door swung open, there he was, blood-shot eyes and messy hair framing his face. He was shitfaced and could barely stand against the door frame. “Munson.” Steve affirmed sternly.

“W—where is she?” Eddie slurred, barely even letting Steve speak.

“She’s not here.” Steve said without letting Eddie take a look.

“Look, man… I know she is, please—” He tried to push past him, but Steve stood his ground, blocking his way before his face turned cold.

“She doesn’t want to see you.” Steve almost hissed, the intensity of his gaze taking Eddie back.

“Don’t make this any harder and just leave, yeah?” Steve muttered, almost shutting the door before Eddie’s heavy boots interfered.

“Please.” Eddie pleaded, making Steve huff as he threw a quick glance your way, and you quickly shook your head, mouthing ‘no’s.

But that was it; Eddie barged in as he used Steve’s distraction to his advantage, you gasped when the door swung open, revealing Eddie.

He couldn't tear his eyes away from you, his gaze held guilt and relief. Guilty because of the fact that he uttered those words to you. But, relieved that he saw you, relieved that he could finally explain himself to you.

Yet you looked at him with such disgust that it ached his heart, putting on a heavy ache on his chest. Every breath he took now felt like a struggle.

“Don’t!” You seethed when he took a step toward you, Steve was quick to jump to your defence, but you waved him off.

“Leave.” You could feel your face grow hotter with rage each time you spoke, you didn’t want him here, you wanted him to disappear from the face of the earth.

“I’m so fucking sorry.” That was all that left his lips, his eyes were glinting with sadness, and his bottom lip trembled with guilt.

“You have the nerve… You have the fucking nerve.” You chuckled dryly, tongue rolling inside your cheek in anger.

“Please... Let me just explain,” He slurred.

His drunkenness made you more angry.

“I don’t want you to!” You hissed.

“I told you, I’m fucking done, Munson.” You spoke calmly, tears were threatening to spill, but you held your ground.

“One fucking minute, I swear—” You heaved a sigh, and another angry chuckle escaped from your throat as you looked at Steve, as if to tell him to kick him out, signaling for help.

“Alright,” Steve muttered. “She doesn’t wanna talk, Munson.” He spoke calmly as he held Eddie’s arm, trying to drag him out. Eddie’s protests fell deaf on your ear as you plopped yourself on the bed again, crying into Steve’s sheets as Robin played with your hair to reassure you.

1 MONTH LATER:

Thirty fucking days.

Eddie was going to lose his mind.

Blocked from everywhere, and you avoided him like the plague.

He knew he deserved to be shut out; he knew he didn’t deserve you. But even crumbs of information from you would have eased him.

Steve and Robin had been useless, except for today. Except for that cryptic message Robin sent him about you being at the party today. And he praised his lucky stars for that.

Until he made it to the party.

Until he finally saw you.

With Mr. Jock pinning you against the wall as you giggled at his unfunny jokes.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Don’t make a scene, Eddie. Don’t fucking make a scene—

His lips pressed together, jaw quick to clench as he couldn’t help the way he almost sprinted toward you. He didn’t know if it was out of pure jealousy, or the fact that he had missed you so goddamn much that he couldn’t stray away from you anymore.

“Hi, honey.” Eddie said sarcastically and chirpily, jealousy dripped from his tone, and he couldn’t help the intense gaze he had on the asshole.

You froze in your place as soon as you recognized the voice. What the fuck was he doing?

Standing between the two of you, “Who’s this?” Eddie spat, his hand aggressively pointing toward him.

You rolled your eyes before you turned to him. “Don’t,” You warned, your brows shooting up and a fiery flash apparent in your eyes.

“Who are you?” He narrowed his eyes at Eddie, and as if Eddie had been waiting for him to provoke him further, he gave a smug smirk. Body turning to face the asshole.

You panicked, and the ever-so apparent tension in the air grew thicker “No one.” You replied quickly, avoiding Eddie’s lingering gaze.

“Really? You’re gonna play that card, princess?” He gave you a dry chuckle, jealousy gnawed at his insides.

You squeezed your eyes shut to save yourself from embarrassment, but he wasn’t going to stop until this jerk wasn’t at your side.

“That’s not what you were saying the last time I saw you—” You were quick to cut him off with a warning gaze, your eyes widening.

“Eddie… This—this is Ethan.” You said through gritted teeth.

Eddie mocked a realization face, and you wanted to punch that smirk off of his stupid smug face. “Oh…” He laughed all-knowingly.

“That Ethan? The jock?” You narrowed your eyes, annoyance setting over your face, and you couldn’t handle the heat growing in your cheeks.

This asshole.

“I’m sorry, man.” He chuckled, giving Ethan a harsh slap on the shoulder, a slap that wasn’t friendly in the slightest bit—and you were sure now that the tension in the space the three of you shared could be cut through with a knife.

You cleared your throat to speak up, but Ethan did it before you. “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”

This was the provocation Eddie needed, and you knew it; you saw that mischievous glint glimmer in his eyes. “Oh, just that she was telling me all about how fucking horrible you—”

You interrupted Eddie with a nervous giggle. “Sooo sorry! He’s just a bit drunk!” You gave Ethan a panicked smile.

“I’ll see you around!” You called out, walking off while dragging Eddie as far away from him as possible with a harsh grip on his arm.

You probably didn’t know what you were getting yourself into when you dragged him toward the closest empty room.

“What the fuck?!?” You yelled into his face.

He ignored your distress. “What are you doing with him?”

“None of your business.” You hissed.

“It is my business if you get with Mr Jock again.”

“I’m not getting with—” You lowered your voice mid-sentence, annoyance taking over.

“What part of ‘I don’t want to fucking see you ever again’ don’t you understand?” You let out through gritted teeth, your face heating from anger.

“Did you know…” He said, completely ignoring you, and you looked at him with the same angry expression, getting tired of his antics.

“When you get angry like that, a line crinkles on your forehead, and those sweet lips pout into a frown? You look so fuckin’ cute like that.” He murmured, leaning against the wall you trapped him into.

You let out an exasperated sigh, eyes rolling into the back of your head. “What the fuck is your problem?” You asked, brows furrowing.

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“You? I mean, eventually, I want to wake up with you every morning and fall asleep with you every night.” He smirked.

Fucking jerk.

You chuckled with an audible scoff. "Is this some kind of a joke?" You muttered under your breath, voice laced with irritation.

“You are so fucking irritating.” You spat, eyes narrowing.

“Just… just—Leave me alone.” Your voice lowered, your face was coming closer to his, and all Eddie could think about was how nice it was to have you this close to him again, to feel your warmth again.

You could see it, the emotions his gaze held, but you didn’t want to fall for his antics again, so you turned quickly to leave.

“Please.” His pleading and his hold on your arm were what made you stop in your tracks. The way his voice cracked, you could hear the desperation. If only you didn’t care about him this fucking much…

“Please—just, hear me out.” He was almost begging, and you knew you should be running, you knew you shouldn’t care, not even to spit the venom inside of you that had been building since that night.

But you can’t help it.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You asked, words coming out in a sharp and biting tone as your anger escalated.

“After what you said to me...” You looked at him with a piercing stare, your eyes practically emitting flashes of irritation.

“Do you have any fucking idea how much I can’t even stomach being around you?” Your nostrils flared with every breath you took.

“In fact, I hate you.” You spat.

“You hate me?” He asked, inching closer toward you.

“Yes!” You snapped.

“Then show me.” He challenged.

“W—what?” You stuttered, your confidence dissipating in a second as the room felt so fucking small when he was standing this close to you.

Your guard was so thinly veiled that one fucking word from him was enough to shatter it.

And you knew, with one or two more pushes from him, you’d give in. You’d give in, regardless; you had missed him more than you would ever let him know.

And you shouldn’t. You fucking shouldn’t.

“Take it out on me.” He whispered, gaze intentionally fixated on your lips.

“You hate me, fine! One last time. Get me out of your system.” He’s so close to your face that when he leans in to whisper in your ear, you can feel his hot breath on your neck.

He’s intoxicating—his endearing words, the jealousy, and the possessiveness—and you shouldn’t fucking fall for it.

But it feels different this time; something is so fucking different about him that it’s throwing you off. The way his pretty lips frame the words is convincing.

Making you believe that this would be the last time, making you believe that you could come clean off him if you had him just one more fucking time.

You don’t say anything when you give in, your gaze lingering on his lips.

His eyes are quick to trace your face, admiring all of your features in awe, regret filling every vein in his body, knowing that this would be the last time.

“You’re fucking beautiful,” he says roughly. He doesn’t let you respond, lets the petty comments die down your throat when he kisses you.

Oh, Jesus, Fucking Christ.

Your heart was pounding against your ribcage. There was something so bittersweet about the way he kissed you, knowing it was going to be the last. He twirled his tongue with yours, so needy and so fucking promising.

Eddie knew you better than the back of his hand, so when you started whimpering against his lips, your knees giving out, he knew you didn’t want to waste any time.

He guided you toward the bed, gentle as he had never been before. The two of you were slow to undress each other, savoring every fucking moment.

He let you lead everything, going only at your pace and making sure everything was up to your desires, purely catering to you.

You could sense it, see the difference in how intimate this was, compared to others where it was just senselessly fucking, this was passionate, and it was killing the two of you.

Rather than just pushing into it, he kept his gaze on you, admiring the way your chest rose up and down as his calloused hands slid further down your body, nipples hardening when his hands stopped to ghost over your thighs.

His other hand rested on your breasts, and he didn’t hesitate to latch his tongue on it, sucking while his other fingers toyed with your entrance.

You mewled; you weren’t going to hold back. “Moremoremore.”

But he didn’t move an inch.

That greedy bastard.

“More,” You pleaded louder this time, growing impatient.

Eddie looked at you with such hunger in his eyes that it had your core throbbing. “I’m gonna give you every fucking thing you need, honey.” He promised.

“But I need… this. I need this memory of you engraved into my brain, forever.” He groaned, giving all of his attention to every part of your body.

You were quick to nod, quick to oblige him, especially when he made you feel this fucking good.

But you couldn’t help it, you needed him. Especially when he was everywhere, hands gliding all over your body, making you whimper with just his touch.

And the way you looked at him was so fucking tempting that he was almost going to explode, you were pleading with your gaze, telling him to take you… fully. To make you his, one last fucking time.

He could recognize the weight your gaze held, almost as if he understood your train of thought, he pressed his thumb further into your clit, circling around it as your core clenched on nothing.

“Please,” You begged.

“Such an impatient, baby,” He muttered into your skin, pushing past your folds as he earned a low groan from you.

“Missed those sweet noises,” He hummed, doing everything in his power to not pound into you right away, the way your cunt was gushing for him, the way you pleaded, Eddie was sure he’d burst if he had to wait more.

With a tender touch, he tucked your hair back. “You have no clue how fuckin’ insane you make me.” He pressed a sloppy kiss, his hands were still working their way through your folds.

“Each time I’m around you… it’s like I lose all my fuckin’ senses.” He slurred into your ear, his cock was straining his boxers, and you looked so fucking perfect beneath him, looking all fucked when he had barely touched.

But you ignored it. Ignored every one of his words, you didn’t need his sappy shit; you didn’t need another reason to stay.

You just needed to feel good.

“Please, fuck, baby, please,” You whimpered softly, your nails digging harshly into his back, making his cock twitch more and more.

Baby.

He doesn’t even remember the last time you called him that, and it shouldn’t bring a stupid, childish grin to his face, but it does.

He’s ready to put everything behind him, start over, and do whatever you say.

But he’s sure you will never let him.

“I need you, Eds.” You murmured, eyes gazing into his; a mixture of tenderness and longing overtaking your features, speaking to him without uttering a single word.

That was all it took for him to free his hard cock from his boxers, his pink-tip burning with desire as it faced you, beads of pre-cum dripping from it as you smeared it all over, giving it a few pumps before you placed it into your entrance.

The low groans that escaped Eddie’s lips were so fucking loud, filling the room, and you loved it. You loved the strained sounds he made with one touch from you.

He didn’t hesitate to push himself deep inside of you without a warning, the space now being filled with both of your contented groans.

“Holy fuck,” He breathed, head tilted back as he grinned at the sight in front of him.

You with your mouth hung open, murmuring his name as you took his cock like the good fucking girl that you were.

“Takin’ me so well, angel,” He praised, “Baby, so fuckin’ tight, mhmm.” He placed sloppy kisses between your jaw and the line of your neck, grunting as he pounded his cock in and out of you with a speed that had your eyes rolling to the back of your head.

You were lost in him now, lost in the pure passion and affection Eddie provided you. You never felt this fucking good; you never felt this fucking close to him, breathing heavily as you struggled to keep your eyes open.

Everything was so fucking intense that you could barely breathe.

“Look at how well your sweet cunt is takin’ me in.” Eddie moaned, watching the way his cock disappeared into you, nuzzling him with your warmth.

“Fuckfuckfuck. S’fuckin’ warm, honey.” He muttered the deeper he pushed into you, and your walls were quick to clench around his throbbing cock.

You arched your back into him as you rocked your hips toward him.

You wanted him deeper and deeper, faster and faster, his every moment was euphoric, and you needed him, more and more.

He was making you greedy.

God, you wanted to hate him so fucking bad.

He groaned at your impatience, relished in the way you grunted your hips more into his cock, he chuckled smugly. “Greedy baby,” He muttered.

You ignored his taunting while you begged for more.

“Shut up,” You murmured, teasing him back.

And it was a huge mistake.

He cursed as he pulled out of you, and you whined at the emptiness, “Shit, shit, ‘m sorry” You whispered, but he ignored you, continuing his teasing while all you could do was thrash beneath him.

“Pleasepleaseplease,” You begged, causing him to smirk down at you.

And even though your pleas were heavenly, Eddie was in no mood to stray away from you, he needed to be inside of you.

He needed to feel your walls hugging his cock, he needed to be as close to you as he possibly could.

“I would never say no to you, doll.” He mocked, rocking his hips into you with such force that the whimper that slipped past your lips was sinful.

“All fuckin’ mine, yea?” He whimpered needily, and you nodded without hesitation, even though you both knew that wasn’t true.

You shuddered underneath him; he was filling you to the brim, and you cherished every fucking second of it.

“Eddie…” You barely let out a breath; the pleasure and sensation of each of his movements overwhelmed you.

He cooed, “S’stuffed with my cock that you can barely speak, doll?” He asked mockingly.

You nodded without hesitation, eyes squeezed shut. “I—Fuck…” Your head was dizzy, incoherent babbles were the only thing that escaped your lips, and Eddie knew, he knew you were close by the way your legs trembled.

“Fuck… honey—I know.” He purred cockily, his hips pushing further into you with a glorious thrust. “I feel the same, baby.” He groaned when you clenched around him again.

“My perfect girl.” He muttered as he continued his pace, his cock rocking into you further and faster—as if it were possible—earning low pleads from you in return.

“I never—I never thought being with someone could ever feel this way,” He whispered into your ear.

Don’t let him get to you; don’t fucking let his words get to you.

But fuck—does everything with him feel so fucking good.

“But, shit, you’re so different…” He muttered, his pace continuing as he grunted between his sentences.

“You’re so fucking different.” You avoided his gaze, the emotion it held was too fucking much for you to handle.

You tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the way you felt the hot tears streaming down your cheeks. Your emotions were a mess.

It felt good, and he felt good; his words, his fucking cock inside of you, everything felt so fucking good. It was the temporary fix you needed.

“Don’t do this to me, Munson.” You barely let out, he could feel your thighs trembling.

“I…I never felt this way before… Jesus—Fuck.” The rocking motion of his hips became rougher each time he spoke; you were clenching around him, getting tighter and tighter, driving the both of you into insane heights of pleasure.

“I think I lo—” You snapped from your hazy state of pleasure; each of his words was like a stab at your fresh wound, the one he fucking created.

“Don’t,” You warned him sternly, interrupting before he could get another vowel out.

"Don’t fucking finish that sentence. Don’t do that with me.”

“I know you. It's not working on me." You whispered.

“But—” He pleaded, and you interrupted again.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, don’t ruin this.” The words were harsh as they left your lips.

“Don’t say things to make me doubt this, to make it harder for me to leave.” There was such a vulnerability in your voice that he couldn't help but want to protest.

He wanted to tell you that it was all fucking true. That he was so fucking in love with you that he was sure he lost his mind.

Yet, you don’t let him speak, you don’t let his words fool you, not again.

You kiss him in a dizzyingly rough motion just to shut him up.

His skin slaps against yours, rough, as if he’s trying to take his frustrations out, and you let him, you let him pound into you senselessly. You let his cock drive into you further, not stopping until he’s sure he’s stuffed you to the brim.

“Eddie, fuck!” You mumble into his lips; your brows are drawn together, and he knows—he knows you are close.

“Are you gonna cum, baby?” He cooed, and you nodded quickly. “Cum for me, honey.” He encouraged, not stopping his pace as he roughly thrusted his cock inside of your throbbing cunt one last time.

A gush of wetness pulsed out of you when you released around him, the strength of your orgasm was enough to choke you out, and white-hot flashes blurred your vision as he watched you in awe.

He wasn’t far behind, as the strained moans that escaped your throat drove him closer to the edge.

“Shitshit—s’fuckin’ perfect.” He grunted. The way your cunt convulsed around him was too much for him to handle. He slammed inside of you one last time.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck—” He growled against your hair as he came, his cock shrivelled inside your cunt, pulsing as he coated your walls with his warm cum, fucking his release inside of you.

The two of you stayed like that for a hot minute, bodies tangled to each other, both minds fuzzy as both of you tried to catch your breath.

You could feel tears brimming your eyes again when the realization hit you.

This was the last time.

And you needed to leave.

As soon as possible.

And that’s exactly what he’s afraid of, afraid of you leaving, forever.

You are quick to shake your thoughts off, quickly getting up to get dressed.

“Don’t,” He mutters, it’s barely audible.

You turn to him with a quizzed look. “Please… Just, please don’t leave.” He begs, it’s the last sight you expect, and the last thing you expect to hear.

And it should feel so fucking satisfying, to know he’s wrapped around your finger, to know he is practically pleading for you. But it doesn’t, it feels so fucking sentimental, and you hate it.

“You knew.” You muttered, putting on the clothes you so carelessly discarded.

“You wanted this to be the last time.” You whispered, not daring to look at him.

“I lied,” He was quick to reply.

“Eddie…” You heaved a sigh.

“Please, just fucking listen to me for once.” He breathed; you’re sure you’ve never heard him this determined.

“I’m a fucking idiot, and I’m the biggest coward in the whole fucking universe, okay?” You turn around to meet his gaze, it’s pitiful and heavy with guilt, and you wish you never cared about him.

You wish you could just throw your feelings away and leave him behind.

“I don’t deserve you!” He exclaimed, causing you to roll your eyes.

“Stop… just stop with the bullshit of making me pity you—” You replied angrily.

But he doesn’t let you finish.

“Look, Y/N. I want that with you, I want something real with you… Shit—more than anything.”

You chuckled, baffled. “Too fucking late for that.” You replied coldly.

“I—it doesn’t have to be!” He spoke, grasping at straws to get you to give him one more chance.

Just one more fucking chance.

“What good will it do?” You whispered.

“You know what I realized?” You asked, putting on your shirt as Eddie gazed at you with need.

“We’re both so beyond fucked up that...” You squeezed your eyes shut.

“Us—” You pointed toward the two of you. “We would never work!” You spat.

“I’m the last fucking girl for a relationship, and you’re the last fucking guy for a relationship.”

“That’s why it would be perfect!” He tried to reason, but you shook your head.

“No—no, it wouldn’t! We’d eat each other alive!” You exclaimed, but Eddie refused.

“So?” He shrugged.

“So? We’d just fight all the time! You really want a relationship that hard?”

“When did you become so fucking afraid to take a risk? A little challenge?” You narrowed your eyes.

He read you like a fucking book. You knew you weren’t afraid of a challenge.

You were afraid of getting hurt.

You were afraid of being more attached to him than you already were.

You were afraid of him running out once you decided to fully commit.

You knew it wasn’t all him; you were messed up in your own fucking way. Avoiding everything that felt too real was your specialty, because you’d rather be aching now than in the near future when he broke your heart again.

If you didn’t leave now, you never could.

“Goodbye, Eddie.” You muttered, shutting out whatever he was saying as you closed the door.

Eddie sat on the bed, alone with himself, and his mind that was spinning with thoughts and his own voice telling him that he fucked up.

He chucked his jacket to the ground as he rubbed his hands along his face in frustration.

He had truly done it this time, he had lost you.

Forever.

But did he have to?

Did he need to be a fucking coward again?

Why would he give up this fucking fast when he didn’t tell you how he even felt?

Eddie got up in a hurry, sprinting toward the party like a man possessed, spinning around each girl he saw in the hopes that it might be you.

“Have you seen, Y/N?” He asked, and the blonde girl pointed toward the porch.

He muttered a quick ‘Thanks’ as he slipped through the bodies in his way as fast as he could, making his way onto the porch with anticipation, eyes glistening the second he spotted you.

You were sat on the cold wooden floor with your face buried into your hands, quiet sniffling was all Eddie heard. And he felt it again—that familiar ache—the same ache he felt the past month, when he couldn’t see you, talk to you, or know how you were doing. It returned instantly when he heard your sobs.

“Hey… hey…” He murmured, causing you to jump as you turned to him with swollen eyes and your mascara was quick to run down your cheeks.

“You’re gonna get cold, honey. Let’s get you up, yea?” He had never been this fucking caring, nor did he ever pine after you this much; he always held back, no matter what storms brewed in his mind.

He extended his arm for you to take, but you glared at him coldly. “What are you doing here, Eddie?”

“I need to talk to you.” He said.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” You muttered, “How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want to—” Your rant was interrupted by his pleas.

“Please—just don’t say anything and just listen, please.” You sighed.

“Please, Y/N.”

“Fine.” You crossed your arms against your chest, your eyes still glistening with tears.

He inched closer to you. “These thirty fucking days I’ve spent away from you… It’s been torture, Y/N.” He shook his head.

“You—you have no fucking idea the things I did... The things I’ve tried to forget about us... Forget you.” His voice almost cracked, distress overtaking his features. He was sincere, so fucking honest that it was starting to make you afraid.

You couldn’t decide if it was him or the chilly breeze that sent shivers down your spine. “And no matter what I did, I still found myself itching for you. A part of me that I couldn’t fucking kill craved for you… to see you, to call you.”

You’d never seen him like this before.

Eddie was always guarded, all fun and teasing. Always turning serious shit into jokes.

And this was real. The only thing you wanted from him, the only thing you begged that he made a mockery of. The hypocrisy was appalling to you.

You opened your mouth, your brows had already furrowed, and he could tell you were going to curse him out, so he didn’t let you.

“I know… I’m a fucking hypocrite, I get it.” He whispered, and your eyes almost widened.

How the fuck did he read you that easily?

“And I’m so fucking sorry for everything I said.” He ran his hands through his curls, almost tugging them out for being an idiot.

“I was afraid, okay?” He heaved a sigh, hand ruffling through his messy hair.

You didn’t want to ask him what he was afraid of because you knew—because you were afraid of the same thing.

Your lips trembled with need; no words dared to come out of them.

“I was so fucking scared because I did the first thing we promised not to do.” He squeezed his eyes shut. You knew how bad he was with his feelings; you couldn’t even believe that he had made it this far.

“I think—No, I know.” He shook his head.

“I really fell for you.” He was ripping open your chest now, holding your heart out. Telling you he felt the same. A gasping, quiet noise escaped your lips; this was all you wanted—needed.

You’ve been this close to Eddie countless times before; hell, he probably fucked you at a much closer distance countless times before, but this was intimate.

“And I realized... I could lose everything in this fucked up world.” He took a deep breath, his face so close to yours that you could sense it. Sense every emotion radiating from his body—the vulnerability, the pain.

Each beat of your heart was like a drumroll against your chest; everything you longed for was there, a breath away from you.

“But not you. Oh god, not you.” His brows knitted together in a painful expression, and his voice was barely audible as he looked at you with a gaze that held you as the center of his universe.

You wanted to kiss him; you wanted his soft lips to graze against yours; you wanted to sob into him, melt into him, and become complete with him.

“W—what are you saying?” You asked, and you knew the answer, but you needed that confirmation, you needed those three words to leave his lips.

“I love you.” He said without hesitation, and you couldn’t help the childish grin that formed on your face, mirroring Eddie’s.

“I—You do?” You stuttered.

“Yeah… I love you so fucking much that it’s embarrassing, really.” He chuckled, still not able to comprehend your expressions; you looked… frozen.

“You, uh, you don’t have to say it back.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, all of this was so fucking new to him. What was he supposed to do now? Kiss you? No, no, no... He couldn’t do that because you didn’t say it back.

“I’m sorry, shit, uhm—I honestly have no fucking clue what I’m doing,” He stuttered.

You gave him a warm smile. “I’d say you are doing well,” You whispered, scrunching your nose.

“Yeah?” He returned the smile—that goddamn smile that brought out his dimples.

God, you wanted to kiss him.

“You’re making it so hard for me to leave.” You muttered, turning around to take a breath as you shook your head.

Eddie sighed, hands quick to find yours as he turned you to face him. “Then don’t leave. Stay.”

His past words didn’t matter, and how your relationship started didn’t matter. None of it mattered now because Eddie was ready, ready to give himself fully to you. And he looked at you like you were the only thing that mattered.

It was now or never. You heaved a sigh of breath as you looked into his eyes; you couldn’t help yourself. How could you not utter those words back to him?

“Jesus…When I told Robin that I was ready to fall in love again, I didn’t mean with you.”

You barely gave him any time to process your words as you smashed your lips with his.

It was as if passion was dripping from every move; it felt so fucking different to have this many emotions carrying your actions.

Before you could further it, taste him fully, Eddie pulled back slightly. You whined at the loss of contact. “Wait, wait, wait.” The words slipped past his lips quickly, eyes widening at your words.

“You—you? You are…?” He asked, baffled. He didn’t expect you to say it back.

He expected you to hate him forever. The thought of someone loving him was unfamiliar to him, especially to the extent that you did. Healing his fears without realizing it.

Your lips quirked into a smile. Why was he so idiotically cute?

You nodded, affirming him.

“Say it, please,” He pleaded, hands gentle as they cupped your cheeks. The look he gave you was mellow and your face tilted as you melted into his tender touch.

“I love you,” You muttered, eyes glinting with all the unspoken feelings you’ve been containing.

“Again.” A grin overtook his lips, and his widened eyes didn’t falter, shock and pure bliss apparent was written all over his face.

“Please,” He implored, brows softening each time you gave him that pretty smile.

“Soooo needy.” You narrowed your eyes jokingly.

“I love you,” You repeated, your gaze lingering on his honey-glazed eyes.

“Aren’t you a fucking dream?” You giggled, the dimples on his left cheek were pretty, he was so pretty.

“I love you more, honey.” He whispered, smashing his soft lips against yours.

And you invite him in to patch up the wounds he made, to give you the world, to love you fully; knowing that the blind faith transcended into something real, something worth worshiping.

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson smut #eddie munson angst #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson oneshot #eddie munson x you #fuckboy!eddie munson #fuckboy!eddie munson imagine #eddie munson #modern!eddie munson

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fairuzfan · 3 months

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it's quite a dishonest framing that you say hussein was "regarding you with suspicion" baselessly even though you've publicly state on your blog how you believe zionism is an "intracommunity" discussion.

they at no point even mention that they blame you for "israel's actions". they assumed you were talking about zionism because of previous pointed statements you endorsed where you say zionism should be only discussed by jews. its not imagined, you straight up said this? and you claim that hussein is antisemitic for assuming you're saying the same thing again just with more inclusive language? And it coincided a few days after me posting that tributary post about "defining yourself as zionist or antizionist"? So he assumed that it was in relation to it? sure you might not have meant it about zionism this time, but with previous statements you've made/endorsed you don't exactly have the right to act like you have no idea why they would assume that and misconstrue this as an antisemitic attack where he's conflating zionism with judiasm when you literally agree that zionism should only be discussed by jews, which means you yourself are conflating zionism and judiasm.

but ok, i guess, they were just taking your words out of context because they're "antisemitic". I even saw this ask last month and assumed you were talking about zionism in your recent post because of this statement you published and told him privately thats what i assumed you were talking about. Not because of you being jewish. But because i remembered this statement you agreed with because i was so offended reading it. And yeah it's a really bad statement that I'll remember because of how antipalestinian it is so sorry I don't think you get to claim the moral highground???? You didn't exactly disagree with any part of this person's statements?????

And like I would have left this alone but hussein often gets called antisemitic by people you associate with and reblog from, and it really shows how little compassion you all have for Palestinians (which btw as I say over and over, we have a right to point out harmful rhetoric that impacts us) who have a "knee-jerk reaction" to these things when we quite literally see our communities call for the deaths of our friends and family by starvarion and bombing in the name of zionism and when we call it out irl we get called antisemitic. You could have like sent an ask or publicly clarified your intentions but you just jumped straight to calling him antisemitic. Which the onus of responsibility is on YOU because of your previous statements. Why would we assume you mean something different based on past experiences???

Rhetoric like "zionism is an intracommunity issue" is stuff that has literally led to death of our loved ones so of course we have "kneejerk reactions" when there is literal proof of you saying these things before. We are not doing this because you're Jewish, we are doing this because we see and experience first hand this rhetoric and youre perpetuating it blatantly and you have people who follow you who look to you for perspective on "israel/palestine". It's so disingenuous to claim he's an antisemite when he's literally finding common talking points zionists perpetuate against us and call it out. And saying "I don't support the likud government or Westbank settlers" means nothing to us because our families were expelled from palestine before likud and settlers happened. Trying to separate modern day zionism from its colonial roots from the 1800s is at its core anti-palestinian, no matter what other conversations you want to have.

Again like the only reason this matters is because people follow you and look to you for perspective AND you reblog/interact with people we have pointed out as harmful. I literally would not care enough to make this post if i didnt see your posts spread enough times around here. So it's not because you're jewish and framing it like that is really dishonest when the person pointing this out was a palestinian who lost family due to zionism throughout multiple generations of their lives.

#not making this rebloggable because i dont want this to be a big thing but like #the way this circle of people refuse to interact with ideas about palestine outside of like. standing together or #“israeli/palestinian peace groups”#just shows you guys are more concerned for your own circumstances than any actual liberation of palestine #like come on. you say zionism is an intracommunity issue and then get mad at people who “misinterpret” you #based on past statements.#like be for real #why would we care about you if none of us have seen your posts around #youre perpetuating zionist ideology and WE are the antisemites. ok.

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sophiesonlinediary · 12 days

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Official TTPD Review

Fortnight - Such a vibe with headphones on, but still far from being my favorite though. I'm quite shocked this is the first single but I do really like it now at the second listen, still sad post malone didn't get his own verse i was excited for that :/

The Tortured Poets Department - The charlie puth mention really ruined verse 2 for me sadly, but the bridge ruined my life "At dinner, you take my ring off my middle finge. And put it on the one people put wedding rings on. And that's the closest I've come to my heart exploding" LIKE WTF HEART = BROKEN the title of the song is really cool but i dont know i wasnt expecting the song to sound like this.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys - I think this may be my second least favorite from this album i dont understand why i didnt really like this song. Maybe it was the vibe of the song and sound especially the choruses which sadly didnt hit. i love how she wrote about a rocky relationship in this song. I feel like this one will definetly be a grower

Down Bad - literally one of my favorites from the whole album. Maybe it's cause the sound feels familiar to me kind off like midnights vibe. But wow that chorus is amazing truly so catchy and the lyrics like wow. i love this song so muchhhh

So Long, London - Not what I expected but still so heartbreakingly pretty. I love her voice in this song it's so pretty and the lyrics are so good oh my god. I swear the verse 3's in this album are vile. "I died on the altar waitin' for the proof" like god damn this whole song is amazing.

But Daddy I Love Him - I loved this song so fucking much. When she said "I'm having his babies" my face dropped and then she hit me with "no not really but you should see your faces" was really fun i'll probably never forget that. i believe this song is of everyone trying to decide her love life for her. And her being like fuck you guys it's my life and you have to accept it and i love her for that!

Fresh Out The Slammer - Those choruses are so good man especially the second one is so good and so me. On first listen this one isn't very memorable but still really good. Now that i've listened to it more like i love this song so much too and the bride ahhh <333

Florida !!! - Ok so maybe i'm a little biased but man this one is so fucking good. I have loved Florence and Taylor for years so like them collaborating was like everything and more. I have now listened to the song like thrice and wowwwww i love it so muchhhhh. Taylor, Florence, Fl welcomes you with open arms man. And like verse 3 was so good their song writing skills are out of this world.

Guilty As Sin? - What an interesting song, like man, idk how to feel. I love the chorus fs. I've come to interpret this song as her having thoughts of a man who possibly isn't available per say or it's just something that can never happen between the two but the want for eachother is there. "They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly" I love this lyric btw and the chorus right after like wowwww

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me - ME IM SCARED WTF. Her screaming that line was everything and like the second half of the song is so incredible like wow. also this line has stuck with me since last night "Then we could all just laugh until I cry" ALSO THE ASYLUM WHERE THEY RAISED ME SDJNVFI. I love how she's kind of portraying herself in this song as like the stereotypical scary neighbor in movies. At least that's how I saw it. The whole bridge is incredible and magnificent I adore this song.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - GIRL NO YOU CANT AND IM SO HAPPY YOU ACCEPTED THAT. Once I got past the point that this song is about ratty healy I really liked it. it's vibes are so good and the imagery is amazing.

loml - what if i said this should've been track 5. This was the only song in the album I cried to on first listen. It hit me like a bullet and I will never forgive cat lady swift for not preparing me for this song. Literally so fucking hurtful i'm screaming oh my lord. I- no im never getting over this song, sorry not sorry. And the fact "They almost had it all" but there life was cut short aka the relationship ended oh god kill me.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart - I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. This song is heartbreaking don't let the production fool you, the lyrics want to make you rip you're hair out. And you know what i'll be dancing to this song with a broken heart. "The lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night. I can show you lies" it's giving mirrorball like augh i love this song so much!!! and the chorus is everything "I'm so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague" SO FUCKING REAL.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived - DRAG HIS ASS TAYLOR YEAHHHH. HELLO WTF THIS SONG IS SO GOOD AND FOR ALL OF U HATING ON IT U JUST DONT GET IT THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVENESS IS EVERYTHINGGGG. mad woman you'd be proud asf. also my religion mentioned as a tongue in cheek to his anti religion views 👏

The Alchemy - I'm not gonna talk about this song much but like I didn't like it at all, i'm sorry. It sounds like one of those Kelce parody songs 😭

Clara Bow - Not the name-dropping herself, damn. I wanna manifest that second pre-chorus btw 🤞 i need to see the light of manhattan. I truly love this song and I can tell it's very personal to her. she's had such an unbelievable career it's always interesting when she writes about it. loved this as the album closer!

this is my ttpd review. remember im just a girl who's only listened to this album twice so please dont drag me for these opinions. gonna do the anthology later!

#sophie's diary entry #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #soo good and pretty <3

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what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me · 6 months

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if you don't mind me asking, what did you mean when you said "star warriors have a supernatural influence hinted"? i've watched the show twice (granted, i skipped a few eps both times) and i've never quite caught anything like that. maybe i'm misunderstanding, but the other stuff you mentioned is (much to my pleasure!) very popular theory/fanon and it really piqued my interest when you mentioned something i didn't quite recognize.

okay so I took so long to answer this because i really didnt feel like rewatching any of the anime. So the compromise is just me going over a few episodes of note, rather than combing through the whole anime. There is a few things that i definitely have not talked about in this post.

And for reference, I'm mainly using the new Operation HNK sub, not the old sub, nor the dub version, as my main point of reference--bar one notable exception!

So! Star Warriors are strongly hinted to be something with supernatural influence rather than warriors with a simple title.

What exactly do I mean by "something with supernatural influence"? There aren't any better words to really describe it with, as the anime itself is incredibly vague. The general idea is that Star Warrior is something inherent to a person, and that there are some things in the anime about them that can't exactly be explained without calling them "supernatural" to an extent.

The explanation that I see for what exactly a Star Warrior is outside of it being a supernatural thing, is that it is some sort of military rank (usually for the GSA) that is earned. With the possibility of Star Warrior being a earned rank in mind, I will occasionally compare some things against it.

I'm beginning with Ep. 1, with a simple observation.

There are several things that cement the fact that Kirby is a star warrior well before his time reaching Popstar. So, it was not Meta Knight who have him the title.

By a glance, both Meta Knight and the NME Salesman were able to recognize that Kirby was a "genuine star warrior", although Kirby has no symbolism or memorabilia with him that would suggest an affiliation with the army.

Additionally, this is just personal, but I genuinely find it difficult to believe that Kirby would have been granted some sort of military rank. If Star Warrior IS a rank, then it would be a high one because NME is so interested in targeting them specifically (to be covered). ESPECIALLY because he wasn't even supposed to be awake for another 200 years, Kirby can barely speak or focus yet, and because he knew no sword technique until Meta Knight taught him in Ep. 3.

Kabu also refers to Kirby as a warrior that exceeds spacetime, though that could possibly be chalked up to the stasis he was in.

Additionally, On two separate occasions when Meta Knight is looking at Kirby (once in the first ep and another in the 3rd) there seems to be some weird… Connection? Sense? Out of body experience? I'm hesitant to call this any definite proof however because the scene is vague and this has literally ZERO explanation. It could be a supernatural connection between star warriors, or simply Meta Knight Being Weird And Explaining Nothing.

In the racing episodes, there are two notable things

Again, this is no definite proof, but it is INTERESTING with the implications. If Star Warrior's have their own cradles, this heavily suggests that being a Star Warrior is something a person is born with, rather than something that happens later in life. And again, i find it genuinely hard to believe that the GSA would rank infants with that high of a title.

ALSO there is one episode where Meta Knight says that he has been waiting for a "new generation of Star Warriors" or something like that but i do NOT want to find that so. source: trust me bro.

In the second half of this special, there is a scene where Meta Knight has Kirby's brakes cut, Kirby's ship is out of control, and he sleeps. His ship is crashing and he is ASLEEP. However. Before he crashes, he wakes up and uh. Just knows how to pilot his spaceship. Literally, just knows how to do it like an instinct.

Kirby seems just as confused as Tokori about how he got the skip to fly, although Meta Knight seems like he knew this would happen. This is a Star Warrior thing, according to him.

And this isn't any copy ability, either. He just woke up knowing how to fly his spaceship. Furthermore, it seems like Star Warriors mastering control of spaceships is something notable enough that 1. NME is not surprised it happened, like it just happens every Tuesday and 2.Important enough for the Salesman to report to Nightmare.

Also, there is the matter of Kabu. Kabu is a multi-planetary being who is undeniably supernatural, being omnipresent to some degree and being able to fix Warp Stars and give people visions, etc... And Kabu is allied with Star Warrior's specifically, and acts like a hospital to them, as well as a protector, but for nobody else.

Do you get what I mean when I say it is heavily implied now?

And uh. there was one thing that I purposefully left out until now.

In the new version of the sub, Kabu says that there were multiple demon beasts who rebelled against Nightmare, and it is assumed that these rebels are Star Warriors.

I am hesitant to use this as the gatcha card, so I checked out the old sub AND the dub to see what is changed in this scene.

DUB: Said only one creation rebelled and it may or may not be Kirby, though kinda dodgy.

OLD SUB: Said only one creation rebelled and its strongly implied to be Meta Knight rather than Kirby

I have a transcript for all three versions of this specific scene, so you can read and decide for yourself.

THE IDEA OF ALL THE STAR WARRIORS BEING MONSTERS IS SO FUN BUT IT IS INCONSISTENT SO DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WILL. There is one thing I want to bring up though in relation to this.

Dakonyo talks like there are demon beasts who looked like Kirby specifically. And there is at least five other orbs in the anime who COULD have once been demon beasts. So. do with this what you will.

Overall, there's just too many instances for me to brush off and i think everything kinda adds up to make the explanation of "star warrior is a ranked title" seem unplausible.

TLDR: HEAVILY IMPLIED Star Warriors are kinda supernatural.

Also fun fact that I found out while searching for screenshots! Garlude (at least in the new sub) is never referred to as a Star Warrior, but rather a Galaxy Soldier!

#sent to snappy #kirby #hoshi no kirby #kirby right back at ya #star warriors #meta knight #NEVER HAVE ME WRITE A POST ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN THIS TURNED OUT WAY TOO LONF #AND THAT WAS ONLY LIKE SIX OF THE EPISODES #but yeah. its vague but thats why i say heavily implied lmao

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soyeah-anyways · 2 years

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there is something i’ve been wanting to talk about for a while now. it's been on the back of my mind and i feel like it’s something that should be thought about. this post is less of a forceful sort of “you should think like this!” sort of thing but more of a food for thought. everytime ive seen ship wars (especially ships that haven’t been confirmed canon) there are always people who bring up certain moments that convey romantic attraction of two or more characters based on assumptions of the viewer. they then use those moments as a means of telling the other person in the argument “hey, this moment that i thought was romantic is proof that this ship has more chances of being canon than yours!” and vice versa.

in general, this is fine. i feel like if you’re having a discussion with somebody on the probability of a ship being canon, it would make sense to bring up moments between the two or more characters as way to prove your point. so overall, this is perfectly logical. the problem is, these tactics aren't always used during civilized discussions or arguments, these are used as attacks towards the other person. the attacks become even more aggressive if they(the aggressor) have more people on their side. because suddenly, the second more than one person agrees that a moment is romantic, the ship is canon.

this has always bothered me because people who believe that truly think that the creator of the show would agree. i've learnt over time that this isn’t the case. majority of the time, creators don't have the mindsets that fandoms have. and more often than not, they see their shows from a surface level point of view. meaning that they don't look into or analyze things NEARLY as much as fandoms do. even if it seems so blatantly obvious that whatever scene that conveys an emotion in the fans, is intended. there are many examples i can think of when these sorts of things happened but a big one that sticks out to me is the idea that pacifica is abused by her parents in gravity falls.

when the northwest mansion mystery came out(and even before that episode) people wholeheartedly believed that pacifica was abused. it was one of the main things that EVERYBODY talked about(myself included!) there was an abundance of fanfictions, and posts, and ideas, that revolved around the whole concept of pacifica being abused. it made perfect sense too, i mean you gotta be really messed up in the head if just listening to a literal BELL scares you. but then it was confirmed by alex hirsch that this wasn't the case. on the northwest mansion mystery commentary(available on yt) with alex hirsch, featuring matt braly and jackie buscarino(va for pacifica). it was confirmed that pacifica wasn't abused at all. alex hirsch was appalled that people would even think that, he made it clear that in his mind, pacifica's parents were just douchey people that do douchey things. alex hirsch couldn't wrap his head around as to why people would even think that. of course fans were allowed to do what they wanted, and if they connected with pacifica because they thought she was abused, that’s okay. but alex hirschs’ commentary really shows you how creators really think about their shows.

this isn’t even the only example i can think of, there were SO MANY cases of fans seeing things that the creators wouldn’t have even thought about! i mean just seeing how owen dennis(the creator of infinity train) didnt consider lake being non-binary until fans made the connection shows you how little creators/writers think about those kinds of things. the only person i can think of that even CONSIDERS viewing their show from a fandom mindset is dana terrace. THIS is why moments that could be seen as romantic could be completely unintentional. you really don't know whether something is canon or not unless you get explicit confirmation by the creators or scenes within the show. although, like i previously stated, there is nothing wrong with assuming or even believing that moments are romantic. my problem is with the people who choose to use moments like that as weapons to attack others' beliefs. quite frankly, i think it’s pretty stupid to do anything of the sort, especially considering that the second they(the aggressor) are proven wrong, they refuse to take accountability over the fact they harassed somebody over a SHIP. but even if they WERE right in the end, that still doesn't excuse this sort of behavior. I don't care what the circumstance is or how obvious it seems that the ship will be canon, you have no right to harass somebody over the probability of a ship being canon or not. there is no need to be hostile.

i really do think that if people like this went outside and spoke to a real person for more than 3 minutes, they would understand that ships being canon or not are not important in the grand scheme of things. maybe i'm wrong, maybe this is something that is normal or at least should be considered normal. but for everyone's sake, could you at least try to be respectful about sharing your opinions? thank you.

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trickstarbrave · 4 months

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What do you think would have happened if Nerevar survived Red Mountain? How would the Chimer treat him?

i think i've mentioned this before but. i think it would have gone uhhhhhhh bad.

see before nerevar, the chimer and dwemer did not get along. the chimer were typically quite religious and worshipped the good daedra. the dwemer didnt actively worship any daedra or aedra; they had no need for it and would at times actively antagonize their chimer cousins' gods to prove the gods were fallible.

but the dwemer had a lot of power behind them in terms of machines and a lot of land, stretching underground between vvardenfell to the heart of skyrim. and the chimer were currently being occupied by the nords for reasons they didn't know. if nerevar wanted to truly drive them out he would need to do more than just unite resdayn but ally himself with the dwemer to bring them into their cause and fight united. which a lot of chimer probably didn't like. they didnt get along with the dwemer at all and the chimer and dwemer did not see eye to eye. but they came around to the idea because nerevar basically said "look. dumac and i are friends despite our differences. we have a common goal. if we can be friends and work together, you can tolerate the dwemer and learn we can be so much more if we set aside our differences."

when the dwemer were found to be making the numidium it was seen as a huge betrayal. not just of nerever, but to every chimer. this was proof the dwemer could not be trusted, at least to them. i dont personally believe kagrenac had any ill intentions making the numidium besides personal defense and basically as a way to prove they could do so even if they wanted to. we dont know if tensions between the chimer and dwemer were rising or if this came out of no where either. but i cannot stress enough how dangerous the numidium is: it is catastrophic if used incorrectly. in c0da it has literally destroyed nirn and made it inhabitable. this is like finding out your allies who live on the same land as you have made fucking nuclear weapons "just because" and then have actively denied having it and call you insane for saying they did. it looked like, to the chimer, the dwemer were intending to annihilate them.

which then brings into question nerevar. nerevar was the most hurt by dumac denying the existence of the numidium (again we dont know if he knew or not, he could have been ignorant to what kagrenac was doing), and nerevar was the one who rallied them into war against the dwemer. the war of the first council was absolutely horrible. house hlaalu, one of the founding great houses of morrowind, lost almost all their warriors. entire families were wiped out. the dwemer machines were decimating people. we dont know what exactly kagrenac did to the heart of lorkhan--maybe it was a last ditch effort to power the numidium and wipe all the chimer out, maybe it was to try and help the dwemer escape to a higher plane of existence, maybe it was something else entirely. but they all vanished. the war was officially over--except now there might be nords and orcs also involved i guess so there may be stragglers theyre dealing with on that front.

if nerevar survived entirely, i think it's very obvious what would have happened. because it was his idea to ally with the dwemer in the first place, it would be seen as his fault the war of the first council happened. sure, they probably wouldnt have driven out the nords, but by this point i think a lot of chimer would have probably believed there was another way of accomplishing it without giving any power to the dwemer.

sermon 11 talks about this actually in the 36 sermons i think:

There is once more the case of the symbolic and barren. The true prince that is cursed and demonized will be adored at last with full hearts. According to the Codes of Mephala there can be no official art, only fixation points of complexity that will erase from the awe of the people given enough time. This is a secret that hides another. An impersonal survival is not the way of the ruling king. Embrace the art of the people and marry it and by that I mean secretly have it murdered.

here vivec is talking about how people's opinions always change. a true king understands people cannot be fixated on one thing forever. if your people love say, skooma, loosen legal restrictions. then people can have more and more. but take care to introduce a new, more potent drug, in a way murdering the skooma trade people so beloved. (analogy from the new whirling school who discusses the 36 sermons in more depth)

and nerevar is a folk hero: the mer who united the great houses of resdayn. the beloved warlord. the champion of azura. the son of boethiah. man who embodies the ideals of the good daedra. he has enamored his people, their biggest fixation and pride. what happens when he has fallen?

vivec knew (or perhaps later reasons) that killing nerevar was the best way to keep control over the people. make him a martyr, a saint, a hero. then move on to something else. and while that is probably exploitative, i can't help but see some of the logic in it. because without that, uhhhhh it would have gone to shit. the people would have all blamed him, and wanted nerevar's head on a pike. they would blame him for all of the deaths in the war of the first council, because there would be no war of the first council if nerevar had never made the council in the first place. maybe the dwemer would have never found the heart and made the numidium if he didn't give them the power and resources to do so.

and then the great houses, who were already only barely united, would dissolve into infighting and old rivalries, especially with new power vacuums being opened up within the houses and larger government. people would be fighting and killing each other for petty squabbles, and also because: there is a fucking giant world ending weapon in that mountain they want to get their hands on by any means necessary and figure out how to power.

as much as i hate to admit it, killing nerevar and becoming gods might have in fact been the best outcome. otherwise i do think the chimer would have wiped themselves and at least half of tamriel out (if they didn't cause landfall entirely). nerevar would have died by the hands of a mob, or lived in exile and disgrace, being blamed for the fall of his people. with the tribunal they control the tools of kagrenac, keep the secret of the heart of lorkhan, and guarded the heart. by introducing new living gods who could preform miracles they shifted away the anger enough to keep people from outright trying to destroy every other faction in morrowind/resdayn. they made that anger productive, and made a new scapegoat with house dagoth (which. also was shitty of them).

i think killing nerevar was a mercy. preserving his legacy and honor rather than letting him live in disgrace. keeping the peace of their people. protecting them. it was horrible, yes, but there was no real solution where everyone was happy and no one dies. not in this story. i have speculations on if the tribunal knew that at the time or not, or if they were motivated solely by personal gain, but it is the truth.

maybe there were other ways out and other ways the story could have played out. other solutions where nerevar could keep the peace and stop the fighting. but after the tribunal used the tools (called "the red moment") history kinda rewrote itself and the world shifted so that was the ONLY outcome that ever could and would exist. so it is impossible to say. maybe circumstances in a different timeline could be more favorable, but i doubt it.

tl;dr: the chimer would have wanted nerevar fucking dead and then killed each other and potentially a bunch of other people with their in fighting and race to get to the numidium. nerevar would die or live in disgrace being branded as the man who was responsible for the downfall of the velothi people. the chimer were petty and rude and violent and vengeful and would not have taken it laying down.

#morrowind #nerevar #tesblr #tes lore #the tribunal #ALMSIVI #the 36 sermons of vivec

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doctor-says-im-alright · 3 months

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Ive been wondering lately if I really do have bipolar with psychotic features or if I have schizoaffective. Idk why the idea of bipolar though is so offensive to me lol. I think its because I never really feel grandiose and thats just an unfair part of the bargain.

The main difference I found is psychosis symptoms outside of mood episodes. Ive been trying to figure that out, but as my moods are really long, Im not sure. I was thinking maybe that is true because this year I seem to launch into paranoia in a single afternoon instead of over months. But thats associated with a stressed mood, not anything neutral? Idk. My paranoia is generally after Ive become fully stressed, but honestly, it is possible I have delusions constantly. How do you even know? I know I have OCD but I am so fixated on death that it might be more delusional than just OCD - like I do have rituals but its mainly just stressful thoughts that Im being haunted and the proof was a dead bug.

But the past week I noticed I shifted into a different phase. Im suddenly energetic or agitated. Like laughing hysterically, talking a lot, becoming really upset or angry, sad, overwhelmed, and constantly unreasonably scared. Everything is a threat. I seem to be really focused on fires happening for some reason. I am sleeping way more than normal, actually my sleep is suddenly really stressful. I dont go to sleep unless I take meds but thats normal for me, but now I cant get up. Ill wake up and its like Im magnetised to the bed and am stuck for awhile until I actually wake up. I sleep 12-14 hours but when I look at my Fitbit data its somehow only 5-6 hours in that time Im asleep. I know it, too. Its like Im not asleep and am in my room but dreaming in it. I didnt even realize I was so upset about this until I saw a post by someone talking about training their service dog to wake them up properly and asking how to do it and I could cry with the relief if I could figure out something mine could do to help me with it.

I generally always get told Im too self aware to have any psychosis issues and I think Im good at sounding self aware but Im actually not at all. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling, Im guessing based on any knee jerk things that may have come out. Like last year I was in the psych ward for paranoia, but I hadnt even noticed or was able to communicate, but can see it now, that I was actually in danger of attacking people because I believed they were going to kill me first, and that had been my motivation to go in. And it wasnt even the person I said I was paranoid of.

I cant even figure out if my hand hurts or not. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling. I know Im jumpy and on level 100 of agitation. I just suddenly start crying, Im overwhelmed with proofs of life and death. If someone tells me a joke I literally cry laughing. My words are mixing up and I feel like I cant say anything. I read things Ive written and even Im like what?? What does that even say. I know I am having PTSD symptoms - thats a given with me. I know for months Ive been hyperfocused on it, its been a source of anger outbursts.

Like for some reason the thought of romance or sex or any relationship sends me into a flying rage. My dog licking my other dog disturbs me so deeply I immediately lose it and have to run outside or throw something. People talking about love and needing people makes me feel so revolted. Ive been half dating someone and they mentioned kissing and Im ready to set myself and everyone else on fire. I cant stand the thought of desire and needing someone and craving them it is disturbing and I want to be sick thinking about it. But Im not normally like this at all. Not at all.

I am asexual and aromantic and my friend keeps making sex jokes and referencing my being asexual and I swear to god Im going to throw up on him or hit him with a wooden spoon. Havent decided yet.

#does anyone else get disturbed by proofs of life #i made a list recently #mainly food bothers me the most #like people being hungry or eating just sparks deep fear in me because that proves they are alive and its a risk #its the strangest thing #because it can also completely snap me out of a rage episode #like if im mad at someone and I see them #pouring a glass of water #then i am suddenly desperately sad and scared instead of angry #how can you hate someone who is pouring a glass of water #half eaten food in the fridge is one of the most disturbing to me #but also the back of the head is a proof of life and terrible

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reel-fear · 2 years

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Gotta say I can't stand people acting like Appledusk genuinely loved either of his mates. He didn't love Reedshine enough to be faithful, and he didn't love Mapleshade enough to not canonically stand her up for weeks, nor did he care about their kids enough not to actively (if indirectly) call them mistakes.

And no, apologists, MAPLESHADE was the side-chick. This stupid idea that Reedshine must've been the second mate because she was pregnant later is one of the stupidest things you could possibly say. Why are you implying you need to be pregnant and/or have kids to be fucking married??

And slightly off-topic, but "Mapleshade used her kits/Mapleshade babylocked Appledusk!" Is all around dumb.

THEY ARE FERAL. CATS. THEY DO NOT HAVE FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL. What do they WANT her to have done when she realised she was pregnant? Eat a deathberry?

And using the first "Appledusk is mine, these kits will make sure of that" line as "proof" is stupid too. Look at the actual context of the line in the book instead of watching one YouTube video.

Remember also: Appledusk has been standing her up on their nightly meetings for weeks to the point she had to tell him she's pregnant at a gathering. She did not just go to speak with him "because she thinks she's above the rules." Was she just meant to never tell her husband who she believes loves her she was pregnant?

Mapleshade sees from where she is hiding when Reedshine walks up to Appledusk and cuddles with him. She walked away and saw another woman move up to her husband (who she believes is monogamous and not a prick having an affair, Maple has no idea she is actively his side-chick) and flirt and snuggle him. She just told him she is pregnant, and this other woman is flirting with him. ANYONE would get momentarily jealous at that.

And even in some universe Mapleshade did genuinely think something was going on between the man she loves and Reedshine, IT TURNED OUT CORRECT. Appledusk IS having a fucking affair.

Obviously, it's not Reed's fault, it's entirely and 100% Appledusk's, but still.

And apologists need to stop using Maple thinking about Appledusk when the kits are born to back their "she used them to trap him" bullcrap. Is a new mother not allowed to think about her husband and wish the father of her children could meet them?

And bonus when they twist everything to say this but completely ignore Frecklewish and Oakstar literally stating that they want to raise the kids as weapons and nothing else.

YEA YEA... Like my biggest problem with the way ppl talk abt Mapleshade is all this shit being used as justification for why she deserves to have her life ruined and her babies die is HORRIFYING. Moth flight is shown to be incredibly easy to make jealous, Jayfeather and Lionblaze have blind faith in Starclan to tell them how to solve everything. ivypools motive for being in the df is kinda petty and she KILLS SOMEONE TWICE IN THERE. and Lionblaze only contunies to MURDER AND MURDER AND MURDER as the books go on. Hollyleaf murdered the person she saw as responsible for hurting her family only to take it back and hurt her family by unleashing the secret anyways.

Stop acting like Mapleshade deserved her tragedy at all. Compared to other warriors protagonists who also have blind faith in starclan make dumb and morally reprehensible choices she isnt any different than them. And on the babylock thing. it takes two to tango and if Appledusk didnt want kits or didnt want to stay with Mapleshade any more... Why did he "yknow" her??? Its entirely his own fault. She cant get an abortion or take a pill to not get pregnant unwanted pregnancies in warriors are so common they're becoming something the books themselves are addressing as wrong and bad. [this also works for the "she was seeing the guy who killed flowerpaw and freckles brother fucked up' excuse, I believe the time frame between that happening and maples kits being born was mentioned to be close enough that its likely Maple n Dusk had those kits BEFORE that incident. And like I said cat abortions dont exist so once again fuck Frecklewish fuck her grief she attacked and screamed at babies Im glad shes in hell <3]

When we start talking about mapleshade people suddenly switch to a mode where anything is okay unless Mapleshade did it and will do ANYTHING to twist the narrative to protect the horrible people around Mapleshade. Sure Mapleshade was dumb and naive and thats one of the biggest reasons her life falls apart. But making bad decisions and doing bad things shouldnt be punishable by kitten death in a world where Moth Flight or Clear Sky or Grey Wing get away free with the HORRIBLE actions they have taken. Bramblestar is stupid he takes actions only to boost his inflated ego and hurts his wife why did Starclan punish Maple for her wrong deeds but not him? She put blind faith in Starclan isnt an excuse BECAUSE BLIND FAITH IN STARCLAN IS BASICALLY REQUIRED IN WARRIORS!!! we only recently got arcs showing Starclan in a flawed light so no Mapleshade doesnt actually do a lot wrong by warriors standards people are just fucking dumb. Anyways if anyone reads this and feels the need to give me a nasty reply or get defensive bc Freckle, Apple, Oak and whatever the name of the riverclan leader was deserve to go to hell for their crimes. You better have passages from the book to back you up or I will eat you alive.

#warriors #warrior cats #mapleshade #frecklewish #oakstar #appledusk

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grisen06 · 1 year

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one thing i think is really interesting in omori is sweethearts character. like at first glance i didnt really think that deeply about her since headspace is this kids fantasy and she seemed just like any cartoon-y villain who gets what she wants and is really rude to people (A/N: I came up w a lot of this as I went and I wrote this on the bus so idk if things in here are 100% accurate)

the first interesting thing is in her lovers. Firstly we have Rococo who is said to have fought a lot with Sweetheart. Captain Spaceboy, when treated badly, seems to have fought back to some degree (In the space ex-husband fight his reaction to all the angry memories being "How dare she treat me that way!"). Finally we have Hero who seems to be the first person who didn't "worship" Sweetheart. She also has a tendancy to get bored of relationships very easy, or at least move on from them.

Still, she seems to want to fall in love, she wants to get married.

Sweetheart is also the main hindrance in our search for Basil. It is a villain created by Omori as something to go up against. Her purpose of existance, not only from the game's pov but also from Sunny's escapism, is to be an antagonist.

So this 12 year old's imagination creates this villain who's whole thing is being in abusive relationships and wanting to get married. This means this abusive/marriage obsessed character is either

1. Created by Omori to disstract Sunny from the more traumatising stuff in his mind. This means that not only does this child know about abusive relationships enough to create Sweetheart, but finds them easy enough to swallow that it probably was something he had somewhat gotten used to and had gotten normalised (Perhaps even that the abuser was someone who still was very well liked).

2. This is one of Sunny's fears slipping through (Like the ladder, spiders or the ocean). This would mean abusive relationships and this marriage obsession is not only something Sunny knows of, but also activley fears (Probably to the same extent he fears the things that lead him to literally almost drowning, so pretty badly).

This leads me to further believe Sunny's parents relationship was,,, less than ideal. My assumption is that it's his father from the little information we have about them (Sunny's mom seeming more neglectful but not angry and the tree chopping scene). The popularity could also be a hint towards the common occurance where and abuser can put up an act towards other people. This could probably be very confusing to a child as they see this person doing horrible things and yet being loved and looked up on by others.

(Idk how this turned from "I think it's interesting how the person Sweetheart first wants to marry is the first to not want to be with her" to "Sweetheart's character could be further proof of Sunny's home situation being abusive" but well, here we are)

#omori #sweetheart #omori sweetheart #omori brainrot #omori spoilers #like no major ones but yk #omori rant

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red-dyed-sarumane · 1 year

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yes we do want the void oc lore

okay !!! i hope this makes sense

void's one of my psychic ocs their ability/power being that they can distort, displace, & change audio, visual, tactile, scent, and taste sensations in a limited range around themself. this often isnt the smoothest & seems similar to a glitch on a computer so thats how it got its name. theyre agender (amab but thats literally only relevant in adult situations) idk their exact hight but somewhere around like 5'2"

their real/past name was ansta. they also used to have red-brown hair & purple eyes but they thought that was boring & always used their ability to make their eyes bright blue & their hair the black-blue gradient.

they had good grades in school but got bored easily, so they often used their ability to pull various pranks in classes. they had a friend (crian) that would help them in their pranks with her own ability & even tho everyone knew it was the two of them, there wasn't much proof if any so they never really got in trouble. they definitely used to be a playful, confident type of person.

However they got involved with one of the popular girls at their school, & once she got a bit close to them she started using them, manipulating them, etc. part of her bullying was saying things like "u dont even have ur own personality do u? ur just a void of a person" & Thats where the nickname void came from.

crian figured out early what her plan was & tried to talk some sense into void, but the bullying really put them into a corner & whenever they tried to do something about it, the popular girl would step in & lie to whoever they told so no one would believe them. once she got what she wanted from void, she got even hasher in her bullying until void finally broke one day. their mind went blank & they ran out of school & didnt stop running.

when they finally got their senses back, they didn't remember anything, not what happened or where they were going or even really who they were. they lost their phone while they were running so they didnt even have that to see who they knew or what they were like. they just knew the word void felt like a name & they didn't want to turn around and find out where they came from. so at 16 they just kept going until eventually, several towns & a Large distance away, they found an abandoned house deep in the woods where it was very unlikely anyone would come across them. once they decided on staying there they got themself a new phone & different things so they could actually live there.

even tho they dont consciously remember anything, the whole incident still haunts them, they have no confidence or self esteem, they dont even have control over their ability anymore & that stresses them out & makes it Even Worse so they hid away even more than they needed to.

eventually as they stayed there they gained a growing interest in the deity of the stars & joined various forums & the like to keep up with their appearances & interviews & various other things. they never talked too much, but they got a decent following for their photo set edits. this interest ended up turning into a gachikoi situation, even tho they never really wanted to actually meet the deity since they hated themself & didnt feel they were worthy of it or that the deity should be bothered by someone like them. but also theyve been away from people so long at that point they dont actively name it as a crush (it is).

despite hating themself theyve never self harmed in the way of cutting their self harm manifests as excessive isolation (obviously) & occasionally skipping meals. & self deprecation too.

probably the most interesting thing tho is that when they snapped & couldnt control their ability anymore it permanently altered them that their eyes & hair stay the colors they wanted as a kid (unless of course their ability goes off a changes it for a bit. but thats like their "natural" now) In Fact in my little au where they get together with said deity, their kid inherits their eye color meaning their ability is powerful enough to permanently alter genes/dna/whatever. but they cant use it properly anymore so its really not a threat to anyone

#asks #zinziinziiin #void #lmao i named the potential kid iono before pkmn scarvi came out & im still like. deep sigh about it #anyway i think this is the short ver idk if it makes sense bc i just threw it together but its the most important parts i think #i should also mention. it common in this world for kids to quit school to go traveling & hone their abilities #so it wasnt culturally strange for void to just. never show up again #also also void & ryuusei (deity) DO end up being friends. not dating & not with benefits but they do end up knowing each other #i go back & forth on making them a canon couple & not wanting to fall victim to every story needing romance #the ONLY reason they have a kid in the au is bc both of them are so ill equipped to handle a kid itd be funny thats IT #anyway thats my sad wet cat of an oc i love them & never give them anything nice ever

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heavyskysystem · 4 months

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cederic vent

"Adam already has stood up for you. Yelled at people for you. Does not share your little social anxiety trait at all. He is strong in a way your weak, I get why you admire him so much. I am weaker than that. I know, Fiona tried to stand up for you too and she got it all wrong, it turned out messy, destructive, a near crime.. she couldve seriously badly injured somebody. I know we get it all wrong. We are misalligned. Out of synch. But we love you. We care for you. Some of us atleast. I feel cold and dead now. I want what Adam has. I want that love. I want to be strong like that. I feel like.. you dont mean to harm me with this, you just dont understand how it feels, it feels unreal to you, like an outlier an anomaly, something that shouldnt happen on the inside. Jealousy is for outside people, not for people on the inside. Im sorry im like this. Im sorry its such a big issue still. I wish I could stand up for you like that. But maybe I am better, cause what if I can make you stronger from within, so youll just do it yourself and wont even need Adam to do that for you? You dont even have to get big bad and angry like he does. You can do it in your own, polite, cut-throat way. Id love to see that, honestly. And I know Adam isnt a fan of being used by you or used that way, but when it comes down to it he does get mad and take over and handles it for you. Yells at people and shit. Tears them a new one. I get why that would make you feel safe. Why you like it so much. You black out a little bit and the problem is solved. Cool. But I can help you too, I can be good for you too. Ill continue to improve. What we have is special. I believe that you think this too. You love me too, in your own way. But ill make you stronger even than Adam. I know what you really need. Do I look horrible to you for saying that? Do I remind you of bad things youd rather leave behind? Am I a bad person for this struggle? I know you do not see it as proof of my love, you see it as insecurity, weakness. Discomfort. It makes you shiver. You never want someone to be jealous again. You dont like it. But you feel sorry for me, you care for me. I do think you have a point by the way, I can see it from your perspective and for a second even I accept it as my own, that we .. could be peaceful if I just accepted how you see him. If I stopped competing. That what you expect is the normal and natural thing here and im in fact not the one in the right. But then I get a little bitter. A little bitter critter. I think Adam is not the big boss he thinks he is, that he has so much to learn.. and fuck he did make more growth than I have. He did back down so much more easily from hurting you. Im sorry that over and over again you had to deal with one persecutor and then the next. But I promise. I promise ill.. ill grow in my own way. Different from him. And itll be just as good. Even if took more. Even if I hurt you worse. I know, Adam is fucking impressive. I get it. A fucking narcissist that managed to handle your insults, that didnt meltdown from it, that bounced back that grew from it. But didnt I eventually do the same? Maybe not as fast, maybe not as impressively. Maybe I wasnt as loud about it. But I appreciate it more than he does. And I feel how little you want me to do this sad dance of bargaining for why im better, I do feel incredibly weak doing this, cause yes before I wouldve melted down in fucking us up physically to punish you. But apparently you really hate me making myself small and comparing myself. I dont think you understand just how.. youre our host man. I resolve around you not because im a bad person from your past, but because im literally incapable of properly fronting. Its.. I know Adam doesnt do that. I know hes so much more distinct. I just.. I cant deal with these feelings. I feel. so backed into a corner. so ugly and deprived. Maybe... you like shielding me too. Standing up for me. Being loud for me. I can just give you a little mental kiss. I dont have to get angry here like I used to. Youre right I really did change."

#cederic #vent

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infiniteseriesofhalfways · 9 months

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i dont know man, im just.

99 percent of the shit i write and the art i make and the things i do in general never see the light of day. i dont post them and i dont share them and someday when i die someone might go through my shit and theyre going to find just. so much. so much that i have poured my heart and soul and love into and i will be the only one who ever saw it.

and a lot of that is because of fear. fear that its not good enough. that im not good enough to be worth sharing.

but its also fear that these things that i fill with myself will be taken and twisted and turned into something terrible. that the pieces of my identity that are woven into everything i do will be noticed, ripped out and pointed and laughed at. or worse, i think, that theyll get glossed over. that theyll fly so far under the radar that theyll get flipped.

i write queer stories and i put my queer self into them and i am afraid to be told that im hurting with them. with me. doing more harm than good. im afraid they would be right.

but i also like to believe that somewhere out there is at least one person who would feel seen in what i do. that they would see the pieces of me and feel like theyre looking in a mirror.

i like to think that of all the heartbreaking things ive read, and feet-kicking-y moments and the scenes you have to step back from and take a breath, and the books ive apparently read but have no memory of- i could be that for other people.

i mean maybe it sounds ridiculous or sad but i would love to be oh yeah i forgot about that one and i wish i hadnt wasted my time and oh my god i will never stop thinking about this and it is a thing i read. sure.

but im also terrified of what it would do to me to have any of those things on a large scale. i wrote fanfiction for several years and all i ever received was praise but that was terrifying too. i was so worried about letting people down. and that paralyzed me in a way, and i think i ended up letting people down anyway by quitting.

i went back to hiding my everything because the second i let any of it go there was an expectation. maybe not from everyone else but from me. i expected myself to continue to please people. i expected myself to keep up with it. keep producing and keep making people happy and when i would literally pass out while writing i would just be angry at myself for missing a self imposed deadline.

and maybe im better off this way. maybe im better off writing the stories i want to read and making the art i want to see and doing it all just for me only. because i still get the stories and i still get the art and i still get to cut myself open and pour myself into them. but they stay mine, and they stay whole and i stay afraid.

fuck man, maybe all this is proof that it doesn't even matter if i put shit out there, im going to twist it all around into something its not. i wanted to jot down some thoughts about queer media and also the imposter syndrome of writing, which i guess i did but i didnt mean for it to go like this. ive hurt myself in my own confusion.

i dont know. life is hard. everything is hard. but i think i make it worse for myself.

#and i have rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK.#but seriously i dont know what happened but i was feeling good a few minutes ago #oh the comfort of impregnating minotaurs and how everything is for someone. even me. yay #and then i started writing down my thoughts and now im here.#why do i always end up here #ks gets personal

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cloud-xo · 11 months

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Dream? Story: 3

Warning: Attempted suicide, child labor?, mentions of dog dying, Sad story with a very happy ending

So I was an orphan living in a meat factory with like 30 other orphans. We lived on a platform near the roof of the factory.

It was filled with pillows and fluffy stuff. My dog Wera was also there. We were annoying to the owner cuz she was really mean. We got paid 0,03 cents for 2 hours.

One day we discussed and agreed on stealing that old abandoned car of theirs and getting out of there.

After 4 hours of driving we arrived in an old mansion farm. But got caught and we had to go back. Then skip a few days later. We were being much more annoying to her.

But when I came back to rest from work, my dog was gone. I bumped into the owner lady and she said that she turned Wera into meat. I didn't believe her at all. She has a dog and would never do such thing... Right?

Skip few weeks. We found out that the mansion is actually our property. The old orphanage. Totally abandoned by the government.

So we saved up as much money as we could and stopped working for her. We packed everything and drove to the mansion. After two days of repairing and cleaning up. I came back for the rest of the my stuff and my friends stuff.

After packing that into the car, I demanded to see my dog. When she said she wont show her to me, I started choking her which she then allowed me to see her. She led me to one of the freezers and opened a box and said that is her.

I freaked out crying and screaming so hard her husband came out from a sound proof room. They were joking behind me when I pulled out a knife and drew it to my neck. They stopped me seconds before I could do anything. The wife ran upstairs and brought my dog back but I already blacked out.

Next time I woke up, I was in a hospital with my dog next to me. Turns out I had a heart attack.

After the nurses were done, my friends all ran into the room. They were angry but we didnt want to see their faces ever again. So we left the bitchy owners alone.

They had to pay fines for emotional abuse and my hospital bills since I was like related to them. Super far cousin somthn like that. And they were the only 'family' i had left.

Then we all came back to the farm and lived happily. I got into a poly relationship with one girl, one non-binary and one dude. And Wera had a dog friend. <33

This story was um.. certainly something.

Luckily it had a happy ending but the overwhelming sadness and rage I felt in that moment that I thought my dog was dead, were not fun.

I mean I got so overwhelmed that in my dream, I decided to literally wake myself up by killing myself but then I felt sudden calmness and blacked out inside of a damn dream.

Jesus Christ man.

But I'm not surprised that I got so overwhelmed. Since I have anger issues and every time I get angry it just hits me like a tsunami.

This is the first dream that I got angry in. Sometimes I feel happy or sad but I tend to be very neutral in my dreams. This was definitely a big change.

#dream #nightmare #story

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gaymooshroom-archive · 2 years

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i’ve gotten a LOT of anons asking abt this so. lets talk about ninja and poki. it’s long!

first of all: here’s her vod.

poki revealed on stream today that ninja acted extremely disrespectfully towards her in the aftermath of jidion’s harassment. he offered to help jidion avoid a ban by texting his twitch representative after it was made abundantly clear by jidion and his viewers that what had occurred was a hate raid (ninja said “you can’t go around raiding bitches on twitch” in response). they were joking around on stream and became twitter mutuals, ninja even retweeted him that day. poki mentioned on stream that she found ninja’s behavior odd, but didn’t go into detail.

his wife/manager, jessica, then dmed poki. she told her that ninja never called poki a bitch, that ninja dmed jidion and told him the hate raid wasn’t ok, and that ninja never said he would try to help jidion evade the ban. jessica sent poki screenshots of ninja supposedly telling jidion off but it was almost entirely them complimenting each other and ninja giving jidion advice on how to avoid getting banned in the future. NOT telling he shouldn’t hate-raid women because it was sexist harassment -- he was helping him not get caught the next time. after jidion blamed poki for his ban, ninja said that “even though it was just Ls and ratios it was still considered a ‘hate raid,’” and that the rules were unfortunate and he believed jidion didnt have bad intentions. jessica said she wanted poki to know “the whole story” and not how people tried to “twist it” on the internet. many of the things jessica said were demonstrably false. ninja deleted the vod of him and jidion talking so poki could not find clips as evidence.

poki replied, reiterating why she was upset with ninja, refuting some of the false claims made by jessica, and explaining how his and jidion’s behavior impacted her. she sent the only proof available since the vod was deleted, which was reddit comments about ninja’s stream, specifically him offering to help him ban evade. jessica again claimed she was telling poki “the facts” despite literal evidence to the contrary and an extremely thorough explanation of the events from poki, and stated very clearly that they were not apologizing because they did nothing wrong. she then went on to say that poki was doing the exact same thing to ninja that jidion did to poki. i know this is something of a buzzword these days, but ninja’s wife and manager (acting in cooperation with ninja) trying to gaslight poki into thinking she was fabricating events and overreacting is beyond gross.

jessica claimed she and ninja were both ignorant of any actions jidion took beyond the “L + ratio” spam and that ninja had “publicly renounced” him that day on stream. poki had just finished telling jessica, in detail, everything jidion had done. in addition to that, ninja and jidion had been interacting on twitter while jidion’s profile photo was literally a picture of poki without makeup. in terms of ninja “denouncing” him, the only statement ninja made was this (i’m picking out what i see as the important parts, but it starts around 55:07 in the vod): “the jidion thing was kind of gnarly [...] i love his energy, he’s clearly an entertainer, he was born to do it, but i had a talk with him last night [...] you can’t send your community into other people’s chat, even if it’s just L + ratio. it was against TOS [...] with great power comes great responsibility [...] i am still down to play with him, i have to wait ‘til he’s unbanned. the guy’s a massive troll, so he wasn’t saying ‘go hate’ [...] he got banned for two weeks, i think it was his first incident too [...].”

poki rightfully replied to jessica saying that this was not denouncement, that ninja was still supporting jidion. as soon as jessica got that response, ninja deleted that vod as well -- thankfully poki had anticipated that and recorded it. poki spent the entire evening trying to find evidence from the original vod to find the clip of ninja and jidion interacting, and after a lot of searching (again, ninja and jessica had been extremely careful to erase all signs of that vod) she found it and sent the relevant clips to jessica as proof. poki’s original summary of the clips were accurate so i won’t repeat it here, but it starts around 1:01:42 in her vod. the most important part is that he texts his twitch representative on stream and narrates himself doing so. he says “i sent the text.” jessica again insists that she and ninja don’t know about anything poki experienced besides the L + ratio spam, but this had been a trending and widely-discussed topic that poki was talking to jessica about for four days. and she AGAIN says ninja didn’t text his twitch representative even though he was recorded doing so. poki corrected her (for like the third time) about jessica’s obvious lies, said ninja’s actions were aggravating the harassment she faced, and explained that they couldn’t plead ignorance after four entire days of discussion. jessica then completely stopped responding.

WHILE POKI WAS LIVE TODAY TELLING THIS STORY, ninja dmed her. it was around 1:27:33 in her vod. most people have seen this, but he sent three messages saying this: “Hey, so I just want you to know. I swear on my grandfather’s life, who just passed away, that I didn’t text my twitch rep. And you are making a big mistake.” at this point now both ninja and his wife have lied to and harassed poki in her dms. she points out that even if he was for some reason pretending to text his twitch rep, the fact that he did so on-stream without indicating that it was fake means he was still sending a message of support to jidion and his actions. ninja replied that “he will be clarifying everything.”

basically: ninja offered support and friendship to jidion despite being explicitly told and witnessing for himself that he had harassed poki. jessica (on behalf of ninja) repeatedly lied to poki about her own experience and harassment and said she was acting just as disrespectfully as jidion, and refused to apologize. they made efforts to erase all possible evidence by deleting vods, clips, and youtube reuploads. ninja continued to make favorable statements towards jidion that minimized poki’s experience as “trolling.” ninja then dmed her while she was live and threatened her.

this isn’t ninja making a stupid or uneducated comment on stream, or misunderstanding a situation. this is repeated and targeted gaslighting and harassment of pokimane and the open support of a streamer who has proven himself to be misogynistic. i’m not trigger-happy when it comes to “cancelling” or deplatforming but all of this was clearly undertaken with malicious intent and can’t fly under the radar.

#jidion situation #<- for blacklisting if i keep talking abt it #which i probably wont unless something new happens or i get asks #but jic #discourse /#long post /

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familyagrestefanblog · 3 years

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Theory for “Gabriel Agreste”

Saying that I'm EXCITED for this episode is an understatement, I'm THRILLED! So let me give you my speculation for what could happen in it and how it’ll affect the future, because pieces are literally just falling into place in my brain and I just have to write this down.

The episode is called" Gabriel agreste" because in this episode Gabriel will create a (long time) Sentimonster for himself that'll take his place and cover for him in his civilian life while he himself gets completely swallowed by his Hawkmoth/ShadowMoth identity (which is a direct paralell to the fate Marinette just escaped by telling Alya her secret). He doesn't want to "waste" anymore unnecessary time by having to NOT be Hawkmoth, which then completely separates him from Adrien who very much was one of the last (if not THE LAST at this point) few strings that kept him grounded in his humanity.

The episode takes place right before the middle of the season and since it's season 4 we are talking about here its fair to assume that both Adrien and Gabriel are back at (at least) suspecting each other to be Chat Noir and Hawkmoth again at some point. Adrien is going to be even more rebellious after the status quo break and set up of "Lies" so him maybe (or maybe even confirmed already to Gabriel) to be Chat Noir could definitely be the factor that sets Gabriel over the edge, rips these two apart for good (as I foresaw in my analysis of "Jackady") and brings Gabriel to distance himself altogether while covering his own identity from his son by creating a Sentimonster (bc Adriens secret being discovered by his evil family is already forshadowed to hell and back, just like him ending up getting Homeschooled again this season, mark my words)

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"Queen Banana" is supposed to take place right before "Gabriel Agreste" and we have a leak where it's seen that Adrien is now kinda taking on Nathalies role since she is (supposedly) still bed ridden.

Seriously, just humour me here and stay with me. This would mean that Adrien would get to see and interact with his father much more often and Gabriel wouldn't be able to ditch everything and turn into Hawkmoth as easily as he was able to with Nathalie.

A cover up Sentimonster was actually already kinda forshadowed in "Party Crasher"

by introducing HoloGabe with the intention of providing Gabriel with alibis and to attend meetings etc for him in the future so Gabriel can invest more time into being Hawkmoth. But a Hologramm is not suitable for every occasion, which is where the Sentimonster comes into play.

At first Adrien wouldn't notice much off about his father and the few things he notices Adrien actually doesnt mind. If SentiGabe is really supposed to replace Gabriel as... Well, Gabriel, that also means as a FATHER and my money is on SentiGabe being created to be a better father than the original. SentiGabe does everything Adrien wanted his father to do in s1-s3: Join Adrien at dinner time, spend more time with him, is in general in better of a mood and not such an unpleasant dick and so on and so on.

Easy to say, Adrien basically welcomes the good change he always wanted in his "Father" with open arms and chooses to ignore things that seem suspicious and the always remaining gut feeling of something just being... off. This will collide with the unveiling of more of the family (+ Emilie) mystery which will for Adrien all continue to point at Gabriel as Hawkmoth because of one event that is likely to happen in episode 4.

I'm currently writing on yet another post about this topic in particular, so I will link it HERE for elaboration once I post it, but in short, I think Rena Rouge and the Grimoire secrets Marinette shears with Alya could be the catalyst of Adrien suspecting his father to be Hawkmoth again.

Adriens memories of the time he went through the Grimoire himself in "Volpina" would be triggered again after seing the Grimoire page Rena (honestly, quite recklessly) brings along into battle and from then on things will slowly pile up until Gabriel deflects from himself with SentiGabe in "Gabriel Agreste" (just like he did in “The Collector”)

People WAY to easily forget how ready and serious Adrien was in "The Collector" when he actually concidered his father to be Hawkmoth.

Keep in mind that Ladybug was only able to tell Chat Noir the weakest reasons of her suspicion against Gabriel (while the Grimoire being Guardian property was NEVER found out by Adrien... til NOW) that being Gabriels mysterious personality and the butterfly logo of his brand.

These arguments are weak because they are ONLY actually suspicious in the specific context of Gabriel being Hawkmoth. Once you have proof against that they hardly hold any ground anymore, hence why both Adrien AND Marinette so easily brushed off these points after seeing Gabriel akumatized. I mean, excuse a designer for choosing a BUTTERFLY as his logo when his last name is literally the name of a butterfly type. The fuck kind of accusation is that??

So I hope you understand that when I say that, yes, these reasons DID trigger further memories/realizations for Adrien in that moment

It simply was only the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that Adrien not only gave Ladybug the fucking benefit of a doubt and heared her out about accusing his FATHER of being HAWKMOTH and took it THAT seriously and wanted to find out if his father truly IS Hawkmoth means that Adrien very much sees his father as capable of being Paris villain Nr 1. This... understanding and acceptance of Gabriels nature already had to be in Adrien much prior to "the collector" to set it off like this. And while normally Adrien chooses to turn a blind eye towards his fathers bad qualities in favor of seeing Gabriels redeeming (and even the rare somewhat GOOD) qualities, Adrien only does so because he thinks Gabriel hasn't crossed the line yet that makes his father undeserving of these loving conciderations. But Gabriel being Hawkmoth IS CROSSING that line for Adrien and he immediately sets aside his remaining/choosen love for his heavily flawed father and willingly sees Gabriel for what he is.

Adrien already did it once with only a few somewhat solid reasons and the Grimoire being kept secret from him altogether,

So he will do it again, just this time the proofs and developments are supposed to stay for good.

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This development would not only be forshadowed by "the collector"

But also by the episode "Ladybug". There Mayura used a Sentimonster version of Ladybug against Chat Noir, using their love against him. What she didn't know though was that Ladybug actually isn't in love with her partner (yet) which ended up with Chat Noir being put in the situation of having to decide which Ladybug he believes to be real.

Does he believe and hold onto Sentibug who returns the love he so desperately seeks in life or does he let go of his hopeful wish and accept the heartbreaking reality of once again not receiving his love in return from yet another person he holds so dear?

In "Ladybug" Adrien couldn't make that crushing decision yet (and don't clown in the replies about this, not only was the situation vastly different it's also a cruel thing to ask of Adrien) but as we are used from Miraculous by now, that episode was only the set up for future events.

What Adrien couldn't let himself believe about Ladybug and Sentibug he will have to FORCE himself to accept about his Father and Hawkmoth. Same set-up of the Sentimonster symbolising Adriens desperate and hopeful WISH what his loved one were vs the crushing, heart wrenching reality of what his loved ones actually ARE. Just that letting go of his wish for Ladybugs love didnt seem "necessary enough" for the mission to succeed so he just couldn't MAKE himself give her up whereas accepting and seeing that his father is Hawkmoth is going to be one of the most crucial sacrifices of the show, changing the game forever. So as horrible, cruel and soul shattering as this is, putting an end to his fathers villainous reign for the sake of the greater good is a reason worthy enough to force himself through his pain.Which brings us once again back to “The collector” (which seriously forshadows almost everything I love that episode), because there is ONE major aspect that episodes sets up like crazy

And that is:

And thats where we are heading now.

This entire time Adrien wanted his Father to behave more fatherly, spend more time with him and improve his explosive behavior but he always got disappointed over and over again. So how heartbreaking would it be if over the course of the second half of the season THIS would be the very reason why Adrien gets behind Gabriels secret? Because SentiGabe behaved too fatherly for Adrien to truly buy it in his heart and when forced to decide what he actually believes his father to be - like the fatherly Sentimonster or the villainous Hawkmoth - Adrien has to and WILL recognize and accept his fathers true nature and turn against him, as it has been set up for a LONG time now.

This season shit’s about to go DOWN!

#Miraculous #Miraculous Ladybug #Ml spoilers #Ml Theory #Ml season 4 #Episode: Gabriel Agreste #Adrien Agreste #Chat Noir #Gabriel Agreste #Hawkmoth #Agreste family drama #or tragedy #thats more like it #SentiGabe #I am so EXCITED for this episode!!!#Ml analysis

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