#and that nothing else has really stood out to me except like non theistic satanism which also sounds. edgy teen boy

[meme-loving-stuck]

i remember being brought up christian like, almost concerned that i never felt a connection to any of the shit they were talkin about,

and when i was younger i was like "oh no! am i bad for not feeling connected to god?? is it bad i feel like my dead mom doesnt talk to me or watch over me?? am i horrible for pretending?????"

but turns out i just had Autism Powers that made me immune to it and i was able to completely sever myself from the idea of being Christian at the ripe old age of like 13. and it was such a HUGE comfort to see that there were all these other beliefs and spiritual sort of things that other people chose to believe in and didnt necessarily treat their beliefs as COLD HARD UNDENIABLE FACT the way christians treat the existence of god & heaven & hell

like now that i am older i know i was in fact traumatized by the culturally catholic beliefs my family held & forced on us all, but i am really immensely grateful that my child self looked at all the other aspects of christianity that would horrify most other children into behaving/conforming, and basically just went, "okay, source?"

and that was the end of that

#BLOGGING LOUDLY #okay source sounds so cringe ik but like #i really couldnt buy into any of it after a certain point #even though i almost found comfort in it! the idea of prayer was very much that for me the way it is for many ppl #i just literally could not believe something that didnt have proof i could see or touch #and when i was a bit older i did get hit with the 'well you cant SEE gravity but you believe in that' #but again immediately i was like... you can still prove gravity though. i learned it in seventh grade. LMAO #i dont know part of me is relieved i didnt feel the painful separation or conflict that so many others feel #but i am still kind of sad i couldnt just. be that way. and find a home somewhere #and that nothing else has really stood out to me except like non theistic satanism which also sounds. edgy teen boy #like it is a legitimate belief system and i feel closely aligned to it! but im still just kinda meh about using the label ... hrmm #perhaps need to look into the various kinds of satanism again #i tend to stay away from pagan stuff but its also something i found interesting #my partner seems very interested in becoming a jew despite not really... ever having been exposed to judaism or jewish cultures #but id like to learn more about it too i have many resources just kinda sitting.... #idk i guess i started thinking about this bc actually studying other religions etc could be very fulfilling but i just....eh....