doctor-says-im-alright

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Sometimes i feel like im on a clock and im running out of time.

I feel like each cycle i go through is worse than the last and i feel like there is a time that will come rapidly where i wont come out of it or no longer be able to live the same life somehow.

i feel like im still really devolving. i dont know whats going on with me or why. I got a message from my professor talking about how disappointed he was in me and i realized im becoming aggressive even in school where i dont see anyone (granted the situation is confusing me).

im angry at work and i feel like i can be and its reasonable, but i feel like everyone else is talking down to me and im the problem

I keep hearing my coworkers whispering and it is stressful

I dont know whats going on. I really hoped if i got through the winter id perk back up again, but somehow im being dragged differently. Its nearly may and im getting even worse

#okay the professor thing was weird and i still stand by that the assignment was really weird #but i dont understand it and i dont understand the nature of this class #and i expressed it in a terrible fashion

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Ill take me a second but Ill try and find it. I didnt read it myself, my dietitian shared it with me. I trust what she says since she is very experienced but also loves to poke at trends and misinformation so I trust what information she gives but Ill see if I can find it! She told me what college did the study but I can’t remember just right now

fatphobia and ableism is so insidious. You can look up like, food, and it'll say "eating a lot of food causes diabetes" and you're like oh dang what? I thought we didn't know the cause of diabetes. So you look up what causes diabetes and it says "we still don't know what causes diabetes" bruh they're just making shit up to give people eating disorders

[doctor-says-im-alright]

There has also been this study repeatedly done because they dont want to accept the findings - people with diabetes who ate ice cream every day were significantly better off/had an easier time managing their blood sugar!

Seriously, anything you read online is likely made up. I mean, it is no different than a few decades ago when every tabloid recommended only eating cabbage, or only eating one type of food. If you think weve grown at all and are less “dumb” you gotta rethink it. We do the same thing still.

And, a fun thing about studies and research? They really dont mean anything on their own. People refuse to accept this. A single study tells you NOTHING. The real world is way more complicated than a laboratory.

fatphobia and ableism is so insidious. You can look up like, food, and it'll say "eating a lot of food causes diabetes" and you're like oh dang what? I thought we didn't know the cause of diabetes. So you look up what causes diabetes and it says "we still don't know what causes diabetes" bruh they're just making shit up to give people eating disorders

#id feel better with a bunch of studies including studies that oppose each other #and the reason i mention the first study is because theyve been refusing to accept it and have challenged it every time lol

[doctor-says-im-alright]

really fucking irritating how many people think theyve invented blistering new social commentary by being like "what if a kink... forms because of trauma and social violence" without ever asking that same question about the sexual desires and practices that they consider normal and therefore natural and therefore not in need of explanation or justification

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Happy black cat day!!

Here are some black cats I've drawn through the years

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Theres a poem I love that reminds me of this. Something like “youre sitting a the kitchen table and Im telling you about how my psychiatrists chair was blue” or something. My life is inherently different Nd always will be. Frankly I never bring it up, but if someone asks they get the actual answer no matter how blunt or “uncomfortable.”

Ive had enough reflecting on this and that in all the years of hospitals and therapy and the most you get from me about literally any aspect of my life except for anything going on right now is generally an odd anecdote about being a uniquely unlucky and chaotic individual. Like stuff about growing up rural, without the added context of family. Or how I collected bugs until that Fateful Day when suddenly they were no longer allowed anywhere near the house lol.

I hate talking to people though honestly. Most have an extremely narrow world view and I am tired of people thinking they understand and then passing judgment on you. Ive become really jaded and I hate that but the average person feels so righteous and with all our terms becoming buzz words, they think they understand your experience because one day their dad yelled at them.

Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.

And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.

It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

#a lot of my stories are from hospitals though :/ that is a hard one and everyone is immediately uncomfortable even if its a funny story #ive been in 12 of them for over a years worth of time #last year i was in one and my friend tried to say oh i get it because i was in one once for a few days and my mom came to take me out of it #because it wasnt good for me #like im sorry girl my mom dont care and i very much belonged there #and ive been there weeks at a time #and her point was how i shouldve just… reached iut #sorry. proved my point in how that doesnt always help.

[doctor-says-im-alright]

schuyler peck / instagram: hiitssky / facebook

[doctor-says-im-alright]

I took her off wheat and chicken stuff awhile ago and that fixed it completely but she hated the food I found. This is a higher quality brand but idk what in it is bad?

D: my 18 year old senior kitty has really fucked up her face. I know she has food allergies but shes been eating this kind for about a two or three weeks now and it was fine but i could tell she was having a little reaction to it. But today i came home and her whole eye to her ear is bleeding and scabbed and her eye is even a little swollen

[doctor-says-im-alright]

D: my 18 year old senior kitty has really fucked up her face. I know she has food allergies but shes been eating this kind for about a two or three weeks now and it was fine but i could tell she was having a little reaction to it. But today i came home and her whole eye to her ear is bleeding and scabbed and her eye is even a little swollen

#idk what to do #ill go and find new food tomorrow but i dont even know what in it isnt okay #its so bad suddenly. it was fine 8 hours ago before i left for work #D:

[doctor-says-im-alright]

I…. I don’t know what this means. I am 69% likable. lol. But NOT friendly

#Happy? r u sure?

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Person: you're overthinking this

My ocd: don't let them lie to you! "Overthinking" isn't real. You can't *think* too much. That's crazy. It's just a lie invented by the government to discourage thinking

#omgggggg lol #i dont even grasp what overthinking means sometimes #i swear i have to overthink to reach the place other people deem not overthinking and accepting the thing as is

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Im not sure if the universe can be broken down so simply. There is really no such thing as good or bad or right and wrong. Because that is so subjective.

I mean the most basic example ever- a lion going after a gazelle. Is it good or bad? Well its good for the lion, bad for the gazelle, so in the end, its neither. Is it right or wrong? Its right for a lion to need to eat but its wrong to murder by most standards, so neither.

In the end what decides was if someone was hurt and if that matters more to you than what choice you made.(or in one of your examples - if them hurting you was more or less important than what they were doing). That doesnt decide if it was right or wrong - because again, with both existing that answer comes in shades of neither. It decides what you do about it going forward and what it means to you or them. (Example: your point about doing something so bad others wont forgive you and you understand its right for them. Its not good/bad right/wrong. Its going forward its not something they can coexist with right now).

You will tear your hair out trying to determine a subjective thing without any subjects! And even if you had subjects, if those subjects dont share their subjective view, you still cant determine the subjective thing!

Who even put this idea in the universe? Humans, cause sometimes we think like 2nd graders and want the world to make more sense than it does and we think black and white. But on that hand I acknowledge and feel whole heartedly that other humans fully believe in good and bad and right and wrong and then experience righteousness, where they will then do what they want to you thinking they are correct by the standard of God or the Universe or whatever.

I'm not sure if this eases your concerns at all but it can actually be pretty hard to be a bad person without noticing. Being a bad person isn't about doing bd things, but not caring about the consequences and avoiding accountability. Good people can do bad things, but they usually try to mend their mistakes and grow from them. as long as you try your best to be respectful towards others you'll be okay

I appreciate it but it's a lot more complicated than this I'm afraid ;-;

I can't really find a solid definition of what I believe to be "good" vs "bad", due to factors like my views on things changing frequently with my experiences, the way that context can vary so much, and the fact that other people have different ideas of what good and bad means than I do. This uncertainty is at least on some level what fuels my ocd and its impossible to give me a definitive answer, only what you think to be true.

Anyways I'll try not to get all philosophical and spiral here but thank you again for trying to help, it's still valuable for me to know what other people think even if it doesn't answer all my questions.

#also nothing is made better or worse #it just changes. which is a harder concept to accept so i buried it in here lol #but like given time whatever happened just becomes a thing. a thing that maybe needed to happen or was added to a list of other things #but its just a thing. you can never attribute one thing to something terrible or good for you #its always a cumulating of things

[doctor-says-im-alright]

oh you're in a horror film/book and your phone died/has no bars? how boring. I think phones in horror SHOULD work. they should ding only to have the protagonist check and find nothing. they should get calls from somebody you don't know but is still somehow in your contacts. google maps should lead you to one place, no matter what address you type in.

phones are such a big part of our daily lives, removing them from horror removes the horror from our experience. what if the horror felt like it could happen to you, right here, right now? what if it felt like it was already happening?

[doctor-says-im-alright]

I keep having this dream where I dont have a shirt or bra on for some reason and its horrifying and I hate it and Im so grossed out and upset, but oddly enough no one else in the dream even comments.

I mean I know no clothing in dreams indicated feeling exposed or vulnerable/overwhelmed/etc. but what does it mean when no one is noticing?

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Every now and then I look up someone I used to date. Truth be told he was a little messed up, or actually a lot messed up. But just saw something new, some people making a post in his town on reddit and basically doxxing him. They said he hurt someone again recently (idk what way), and brought up his record as a felon (ik ik).

Honestly though it pointed out to me mob mentality and how everyone has an opinion and feels justified. Like so much false information was floating around. I mean yes he did shitty things and fucked shit up. But the comments werent right either.

Like idk hes one of the few people I actually really did care for. I know thats fucked up because he was a felon. But he was such a genuine human being that was really conflicted and struggling a lot. I dont mean this in like I have a savior complex but, I felt like he did. Not knowing what the right thing was and being confused by your own feelings and desires (not that Id do what he did…, but i believe the situation is messier than it looks).

He also was severely autistic and had bipolar. Like he was trying his best, his best was just shit. I had to explain basic ass concepts - like why you cant have sex with someone because you want to but they dont. But he did actually listen. He actually was a pretty caring guy and was very sweet. People are mocking him for having a flip phone (being on parole, no internet access allowed, so he had a phone that couldnt connect to the internet) and having creepy vibes (because hes autistic)

#i mean yes he actually did horrible things and i believe he probably did try and hurt someone #but idk i still care about him. i just felt like he was incredibly human #and it really is offensive how they are all commenting how creepy he is but hes not like this dedicated stalker #he really did fall in love with people quickly and didnt understand social cues #which meant you just needed to be blunt #not that im defending him or anything i just mean generally speaking

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Truthfully I think I am jaded. I dont care about people and their problems anymore and I cant connect with anyone because I feel so isolated. I used to, I used to and I tried to believe when people said theyd been through something similar or at least had similar feelings and could understand me. Then it became really clear to me that it wasnt true at all. That they would then use what they experienced to correct me. That I shouldve been better than I am, that I am dramatic or stupid, that I am “letting” it all happen and not trying hard enough

It became clear that my experience isnt relatable. And that goes both ways, I no longer have sympathy and cant tolerate other people unless theyve been through it. Sometimes I feel like I even hate people I know because they havent :/

An introduction to me trying to ask fucking google something.

Im not in the mood for your JOKES google

#its pretty easy to identify too i think #like idk its easy to tell when someones been through it they carry themselves differently than someone whos only been through a little #i feel like a jerk and egotistical or narcissistic #but it makes sense that i feel this way when too many people have reacted to me with something that I cant even forgive #examples are like my parents refusing to watch over the family cat i look after because it was an inconvenience and they didnt like the #smell of a litter box. i asked because I needed to leave the state the next morning to go to a hospital for a month and a half #they did not care i was just dramatic and attention seeking or abusing insurance or who knows

[doctor-says-im-alright]

An introduction to me trying to ask fucking google something.

Im not in the mood for your JOKES google

#jeez they even corrected the part that SPECIFIED lol