#i fucking hate myself so soso much

[filipinoizukuu]

.

#i hate it i hate the way i am so badly #tw vent #vent tw #cw vent #eijrfdngmksdwjnrfgdmfksdlaweqjrgdnfmksajirwnjgefmskd #i fucking hate myself so soso much #god fuck everything fucking #fuck #i hate the way i am i haate that my instinct all the time whenever something bad happens to me is to blame myself or blame menial things l #likd rituals i get to do #i hate that things suck here in this fucking city but things suck so much more back home and i just #i fucing ahte hate it all i fucking hate HATE IT I HATE IT SO MUCH #i just wanna be happy why cant i just be fucking happy #why whywhy what the fuck what have i done? why do i deserve this? i know i do thats the only explanation why my life is so shitty like this #but why. why do i deserve it why does it fucking suck why cant i be happy? there are wors epoeple than meout there im sure but why do they #hy do they get to feel happy and not having panic attacks on the daily and why am i stuck living like this? #why can t i jsut be fucking happy.

[swordsofsaturn]

kind of sick of life just being one long identity crisis

#i am hating myself so so so soSO much right now. #and i genuinely think part of it is bcuz i've fucked my hair up i'm so unhappy with it #i'm realising warm tones are just not for me anymore. never again will i go the red route #i should just dye my hair back to blueblack and be done with it. #relatedly why can't i just be the semi-edgy turtleneck-wearing writer/academic of my dreams #oh right it's because i'm addicted to the internet and also avoiding the complex and painful reality of existence entirely #somebody fix me already #'i can fix him' well i'm the him that need to be fixed. who's up

[imrllytootiredforthis]

cy i have so many ideas its crazy 😭😭

when i was in high school i hated my chemistry classes 💀💀but now when i think about it... yk in some classrooms especially where biology and chemistry classes are held there is a small room attached to them like a storeroom? where they have all the equipment and supplies ? lmao this is already so long but i just needed to describe it, it gets better i promise

so like yesterday i randomly remembered one of my chemistry classes and suddenly i thought abt soob in those glasses like you know, the black ones ..him in a doctor's coat and..the other students are in class totally unaware of what two new teachers are doing in the storeroom😋😋damn just,, making out w him all while having ur knee between his crotch?? ordering him to be quiet or else everyone will find out what a slut their new chem teacher is (he'd secretly love it, we all know the boy is a slut for degradation and humiliation)😔he'd whimper soso much he wants more and he needs more, he's so riled up,, practically drooling but the fact that he can't have u fuck the brains out of him now makes him practically cry and beg to stop,, the pleasure is too much to handle☹️☹️(u could literally swear at him😭😭i bet he'd let out a couple of moans at that😴)

PLS THIS IS SO LONG,,,i couldn't stop myself cause begging soob>> idk whats gotten into me lately but ig i have a tiny thing for exhibitionism?😩😩no but fr its so hot?

p.s. im glaad ur here for the weekend 😭😭i'll patiently wait for ur official comeback ❣️

i saw this right when i woke up...and jesus, i love you so, so much because😵‍💫😵‍💫

are you, by chance talking abt this soob?...

him in a white lab coat😵‍💫😵‍💫

okay, okay

class started 10 minutes ago. the students are confused, checking the time, emailing their two new teachers to the class, some are even straight-up leaving, muttering about a waste of time

most stay, wondering if they just forgot or got stuff in traffic or something else

completely unaware to the fact that in the little storage closet off to the side of the room...

their pretty professor is shoved up against the wall, pinned with his arms beside his head, lip tugged between his teeth, panting and whining as he grinds down on your knee.

god, he's so needy, trying to quietly beg for more, gasping at the feeling of your teeth grazing his neck

"y'know, this isn't very professional professor choi," you start, pulling away, too composed when all he can do is let out the neediest little mewl, trying to reach his high while tears form in his eyes.

"d-don't care!" he tries to pull his hands away, cup himself and get the stimulation you're just barely giving him but your grip is iron strong, smile all too teasing and all too mean. "just m-make me feel good! please, wan', wan' you to fuck me!"

you press your thigh up against him hard. "right when all of our students are just outside, huh? want them to know that their professor is in here getting fucked like a slut?"

the moan he lets out is nothing less than completely ruined and very, very loud, reverberating through the small room in a way that would've been so hot if not where you were

his hand is free suddenly, as you slap a hand over his mouth, his eyes going wide. "shut up, you slut," you hiss,

the tears fall and you can feel drool building up behind your hand, he can't help himself, his head going on overdrive, his free hand gripping the bottom of your leg, fucking himself desperately against it.

"please, please, please," he whimpers, words garbled against your hand. "more, need more!"

#inbox💌 #soobin smut #sub soobin #sub!soobin #txt smut #sub txt #sub!txt #hard thoughts #txt hard thoughts #dom reader #dom!reader #d7dream<3 #ideas👀

[dumplingsfordays]

sparks on a cold night

gepard x drunk!reader

summary - drunk reader (who hates gepard) crashes at gepard's place bc they really have nowhere else to go.

cw!: swearing, enemies to lovers, mentions of alcohol + drunkenness, reader wearing a dress, otherwise fluffy :)

note - aaaa gepard brainrot go brr. also tysm for 80 freakin followers this is insanity <33 ily pookies so much y'all are so sweet!! thank you all again soso much for the support and hopefully you enjoy the content <3

and as always, thank you for reading :))

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

He just finished signing some paperwork at his desk in his room upstairs when he heard the knocks.

The first was a rather quiet and weak knock, so Gepard didn't hear it, but fortunately the second one was much louder. He then checked his watch. 11:37 PM wasn't really a time when people usually knock on others' doors, so whoever was at the door must've had some important business with him. He hurriedly adjusted his robe around him and walked over to the enterance to his house, looking through the peephole when he stopped in front of it.

This must've been some sort of mistake, he thought, recognizing your face staring right back at him.

But nevertheless he decided to open the door - you looked a little flushed and cold and Gepard couldn't bear to leave a poor soul like yourself shivering in the cold all alone, especially if you needed urgent help, but if you were going to treat him the same way that you did when you delivered paperwork to his office, he was going to shut to door right then and there.

Opening the door, he saw a lazy smile blossom across your face at the sight of his taller figure.

"Heyy -hic- Geppie," you slurred, hiccuping as you spoke. "I know that I -hic- totally hate you and everythin' but I kinda need a bit a help."

Were you drunk?

"You see, I kinda fucked up. I thiiiink that I -hic- had a little teensy tiny bit too much to drink and I locked myself out of -hic- my house."

"And you don't have any spare keys or anything?" asked Gepard, leaning on the doorframe.

"No spare keys s'or anythin'."

As much as Gepard wanted to slam the door in your face for the nasty rumors about him that you whispered in your friends' ears and the hateful, cold stares that you gave him from time to time for absolutely no reason, he couldn't bring himself to do it. You looked, well, almost pathetic. Slightly disheveled hair framed your face like a (slightly neater) bird's nest and your lip gloss was a little smeared on the edges. The chilly night breeze caused a shiver of goosebumps to crawl across your skin and your cheeks to redden even further. You sensed warmth and comfort emanating from Gepard's frame, and subconsciously leaned forward, closer to the pleasant air about him.

You tugged the hem of the black dress that you wore down and crossed your arms, waiting for a reply from the blond man, which he gave in the form of a sigh.

"Alright. But only for one night. And you owe me."

You nodded gratefully, eyes widening and lips stretching into a thankful smile. "Mkay, thanks so much. You're vvvery sweet, y'know?"

Gepard leaned back to let you in, and you daintily stepped inside. The warmth of his figure was also present in his house, which isn't too large but also not too cramped. It's a little dim, because most of the light around this time of night here is produced by candles, but you don't mind - in fact, you really liked it. It was a nice break from the sharp neon lights of the bar and later the uncomfortable haze of the streetlamps. He, like a true gentleman, closed the large oaken door after you and beckoned you to take off your coat, which you gave up with a grateful nod and half-lidded, delirious eyes. Your cheeks glowed a soft pink.

While removing the coat from your shoulders, leaving you in that skimpy black dress that was basically 40% skin, the blond clearly noticed the scent of alcohol emanating from your neck and lips, and it finally settled in his brain that you were only acting this friendly because you were drunk. His earlier suspicion was correct.

He hung up your coat in a closet while you made your way to the fireplace in an adjacent room, the one that just so happened to be Gepard's favorite. Paintings sparingly covered the walls, bookshelves below them contained a gigantic variety of books, and the best part of it all in his opinion was the lit fireplace and the couch in front of it, on which you so happened to snuggle up into a ball.

"Do you want a blanket?" he asked. "You must be rather cold after being outside."

After a couple of seconds you answered, turning your head to meet his gaze.

"Yes -hic- please."

With a small sigh, he grabbed the heaviest quilt that he could find from the closet beside the door and walked back to you. He draped it over your shivering frame and sat down beside you, deciding to abandon his paperwork for now. He could deal with it later anyways.

You were too busy staring at the flickering flames licking against the logs in the fireplace to notice him, but when you felt the couch shift downwards at his weight, you didn't mind - in fact, it was much warmer (thus better) when he was beside you. Gepard, on the other hand, had many more thoughts than you did right now. He was specifically thinking about why you came to him instead of one of your friends' places, and why you were acting so nice to him all of a sudden, so he decided to just ask.

You replied in a low, hushed tone. "Feel like you're more... y'know, reliable."

"Thank you, but wouldn't your friends be? You hate me, after all."

"Hate? When did I -hic- say hate?"

"Well, judging by the fact that you spread rumors about me and glare at me when you bring me paperwork, I'd say you do."

At this you laughed airily, like the tinkle of wind chimes in the breeze. "Noooo, I don't hate you. I'm just a little jealous. Because you're so braaave n strong n responsible. How -hic- could anyone not be jealous?"

You didn't see, of course, but the blond man blushed a little at how you blabbered on about how courageous he was. Never, in all his years working with you, did he ever expect you to confess this.

"I still think you owe me an apology, though," he mentioned, gazing at the fire with you. "For all the dirty looks and everything."

An amused flicker in your eyes told Gepard everything he needed to know. Lips quirking up into a grin, you leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on the apple of his ruddy cheek and then curled up into your previous position on the couch as if nothing happened.

And this time he really, unequivocally, full-on flushed with a previously alien to him mixture of embarrassment, shyness, and self-consciousness.

"What- what was that?" he managed to stammer out.

"My apology," you winked back with that same gorgeous grin. "You -hic- accept it though, right?"

Oh no. No, he couldn't look at you any longer after what you'd done, because then his brain would probably short-circuit and he'd embarrass himself even further by accidentally blurting out how pretty you looked in the amber light of the fire, hair messy, eyes lidded, lips reddened-

No. Any direction but that.

He coughed and cleared his throat.

"Fine," he choked out. After a moment's silence you spoke up.

"Geppie," you started, using his nickname absentmindedly, "what do you think -hic- about me?"

It was probably best to say as little as possible, but Gepard decided against it. If you were this drunk, you probably wouldn't remember anything from this night tomorrow. "I, um... I think that you're, uh, a hard worker. And you're nice to everyone." He almost added 'except for me' but changed his mind. "You're also, um, smart. And funny sometimes. And helpful. So I guess that I think you're a good person overall."

"Aww, -hic- thank you." Your lips turned up into a smile.

Fire is an interesting thing. While it can burn (and probably did the cavemen that first discovered it), it can also evoke a feeling of comfort and perhaps even safety, provided that you're sitting in a large mansion, on a couch, in front of a magnificent white-brick fireplace with a man who, unbeknownst to you, is sort-of starting to warm up to you despite his earlier grudges. It's funny how something as dangerous and potentially lethal as fire can do that.

The same applied to you - you were also realizing that being jealous of someone doesn't automatically give the person permission to insult or gossip about them. Should you admit your mistakes to Gepard out-loud and swear to change like the villain at the end of a kids' storybook? Definitely not. But should you apologize, for real this time, just to make this situation less awkward? Yes.

"Gepard, look. I'm -hic- ssorry that I kinda treated you badly since I started working. Is there anythin' that I can to do make up for it?"

You hear him sigh beside you.

"No, nothing major. But there is one thing."

It was now or never, Gepard thought. Either you're going to hate me or you won't care at all tomorrow morning.

Leaning over to your side of the couch, he reached out a hand to cup your cheek and glided his thumb over the smooth skin. You inhaled sharply but then relaxed - he used this moment to gather himself, and finally, after a brief moment of internal panicking, he kissed you.

He kissed you.

He kissed you, a now much-more-sober-but-still-pretty-drunk-person-who-he'd-hated-up-until-now who looked infinitely prettier with their face illuminated with a soft golden glow emanating from the fireplace and with their lips on his. He felt you jump a little when he finally did it but you settled down again after (and perhaps even leaned in a little). And when you parted, both out of breath and eyes locked on each others', he moved his hands to cradle yours.

"I-I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry, I-"

"No." You tilted your head to the side slightly. "Don't apologize. That was nice."

You were going to be the death of him. Gepard flushed even harder at your statement if that was possible. You? Saying that was nice? He must be in heaven.

"So, um, does that mean that we're, uh..." he trailed off, too embarrassed to say 'dating'.

"Enemies?" you ask. No.

"No, no, um... dating."

"What?"

"Dating."

"Dating?"

"Please don't make me repeat it..."

"I won't! It's just funny seeing you embarrassed."

"Oh, y/n, you-"

"Just kidding! But I think so, yes. Unless you're aiming for, y'know, something different." You jokingly winked at him. "I know you aren't, I'm also kidding on that last part."

Gepard fully turned away from you now, hiding his red-as-a-tomato face in his hands. You, however, had already stopped teasing and slowly pulled his hand-covered face back to you.

"Geppieee," you cooed, "Come on. I'm just joking."

"I'll only forgive you if you accept to be my partner."

"Who said I won't?"

His fingers moved to reveal one eye like a ray of sunshine peering through the clouds.

"So you would?"

"Of course!"

"You really would?" He put his hands back down to grasp yours in a warm embrace and leaned in again, eyes shining a little with relief.

"Yeah, I just said so!"

"Oh, that makes me so unimaginably happy..."

"..."

"..."

"Wait, isn't it weird how we hated each other like twenty minutes ago?"

"Oh. Yeah, that's kinda weird, now that you put it like that."

"Hm."

"Hm indeed."

#honkai star rail #hsr #honkai #gepard #gepard x gender neutral reader #gepard x you #gepard x reader #gepard x y/n #gepard fluff #gepard landau #hsr gepard #honkai gepard

[andiv3r]

So I always have a hard time figuring out whether or not to wear jackets/hoodies, and not just for the normal trans reasons, but also because I have the fun¹ combination of keratosis pilaris + dermatillomania, which means my arms permanently look like they have been ripped to shreds... and like yeah, long sleeves will keep me from fucking them up, but then I just pick at my face instead, which is arguably worse (soo much harder to get my face looking okay after I fuck it up on a really stress-heavy day, it can take months for all the scabs to go away) so like. Do I wear long sleeves and keep myself from fucking up my arms (but risk messing up my face instead) or do I wear short sleeves which is soSO much better in terms of sensory problems but leaves my arms open to harm?

¹This was sarcasm, btw. It is not fun. I fucking hate it with every fiber of my being.

Also if u wanna know more about keratosis pilaris or dermatillomania feel free to ask, I would love to explain either (and why having both at the same time feels like some kinda cruel fucked up joke from the universe).

#keratosis pilaris #dermatillomania #andiv3r rambles #neurodivergent #nd problems

[thebatbites]

i want more laurance thoughts pretty please

OKAY BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT

My thoughts on Laurence Zvhal

soft warning for aaron slander. im not really slandering him im just sharing my conspiracy theories. ALSO THIS BITCH IS LONGGGG AND THERES SO MUCH RAMBLIGN GOD HELP

god i love him so bad... thats the main thing i wanna get cleared up right the fuck away. i love him SOSO bad and i think jesson uses him completely inappropiately and im stealing him. okay? hes my oc now.

this is also a warning, i havent refreshed completely with my mcd knowledge and mystreet is more fresh in my mind so if i say something wrong about a plot point be nice to me im doing my best im a little guy with a dissociative disorder so i forget shit

aaalllrighty where the hell do i begin?

okay so first off, right off the bat: when he got back from the nether in mcd, he should've been blind. because

disability representation. blindness isnt something that can just be cured unless you get touched by jesus christ himself (im not religious but i think thats in the bible lol) and it something that impacts millions of people on the daily. exposing that to young kids can introduce them to the fact that not everybody is just like them and that people come in many different shapes and sizes. and it ofc helps anyone who happens to be blind have a chracter to relate to and project on.

do YOU KNOW HOW COOL IT WOULD BE FOR A BLIND KNIGHT? like fighting is a very visual skill for the most part you need to see your opponents sword to properly dodge it or you are good and truly fucked. so taking something integral to fighting and ripping it away gives another great chance for character development as well as some really sick ass scenes where laurence goes all toph and uses his senses that are now firing at all cylinders and kicks total ass

ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!! like. laurence is a very visual guy, right? he sees pretty ladies to flirt with, he's a knight, he cares about his looks. so now he has all of that pretty much ripped away from him in an instant. what the fuck is he supposed to do? he flounders. hes a shell of his former self, in a way. like hes still there, hes still alive, but is he even laurence anymore? its something he has to learn to embrace and come to terms with. the main cast could also be super encouraging for him and basically is like "hey dude youre still the same fuckin awesome guy and you can still do all these fucking awesome things you just gotta learn how to do it again"

itd make for some cool relationship building between him and garroth or him and zoey or him and aphmau or even like him and cadenza. it gives him external relationships outside of just aphmau's love interest

JESUS FUCK I YAPPED A LOT ABOUT LAURENCE BEING BLIND OKAY

i think giving laurence (in both mcd and mystreet) jealousy/possessiveness issues is lame and a total turn off. like its such a gross thing to tell to kids, no? like "hey kids if you love someone they are ENTITLED to love you back and they CANT be in love with someone else"

obviously this behavior is still shut down but still... like why include it? especially because, prior to him falling in love, he seemed to be just a completely chill dude who only gets angry if he needs to. but suddenly hes mass slaughtering people at weddings (mcd), stalking his love interest because he saw her talking with another guy (mystreet), giving aphmau the cold shoulder because she is either indecisive or loses interest in him (this goes in both series i believe)

like it just gives you such an ick and obviously i know why they did this. i will say this until the day they put me in the damn ground its because of motherfucking aaron becoming a love interest. i have zero issues with aaron as a character and i even like him as a character (i have redeemed myself. i used to hate him) but as a love interest i think hes the worst thing to happen to every series because he just simply destroys any male character who had the potential to be shipped with aphmau which was all of them

were moving to mystreet here because mystreet is the best and most glaring example of this because mystreet was after they had decided to make aarmau canon in mcd and you can tell because of the way they set up laurence and garroth.

lemme explain and yes i know this is deviating from strictly laurence a tad but stay with me

im not going to use pdh because pdh was written after mystreet based off of the fact that for some reason travis doesnt know aphmau???? despite them being best friends in pdh??? WHATEVER WHWATEVER NOT THE POINT OKAY. were also going to completely disregard the undercurrent of grooming for aarmau and were going to pretend like this relationship is normal and not at all weird. okay? okay.

so from the moment you first meet laurence and garroth, you can tell their vibes are off. theyre openly hostile with each other (even if its playful theyre still "competeing" for her), theyre trying to shove each other out of the way. it makes them seem unlikeable. every time theyre on screen theyre talking to her or about her (often times planning on stalking her or getting irrationally jealous because they heard something through the grapevine) and it just turns the viewer off. if youre a first time viewer without any preconcieved notions of these character you're thinking "wow thats creepy. why would she stay friends with them? why would she bother sticking around her if all they want is a relationship out of her and not a genuine friendship?" and if you happened to watch mcd first youre thinking "wow is this how theyre really like? wow i dont like them at all anymore" and then you go to mcd and see their worst traits being ramped up and amplified to make them even more unlikable

and then you see aaron

in mcd hes a silent protector. hes always by aphmau's side. hes her one true loyal knight even when she does something he doesnt like. they understand eachother in ways that laurence and garroth just dont

in mystreet hes her guard dog. hes always there to step in when shes uncomfortable. hes her secret best friend her home away from home. he makes her feel loved in such a way that laurence garroth never could since theyve only ever cared about her superficially and not in any way that really, truly mattered

it makes the audience cling to him. it makes them think "well fuck why did the other guys even try hes obviously perfect for her" it blinds them of any other potential option because jesson just didnt give any other opportunity to shine through.

and thats fine. thats completely fine they can do whatever the hell they want to with their series because as one creative to another sometimes you just gotta make your bed and lie in it knowing that not every bitch out there is going to like every creative decision you make.

as a viewer it just.... it just makes you feel dissatisfied. leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, especially given the fact that in mcd you were basically told "these are your two options for love interests" and then a third love interest swoops in seemingly out of nowhere, gets her pregnant, and then he fucking dies.

in mystreet it just like... ugh. i dont know. i guess i feel happy for them because i can see their development. but like me personally i cant really feel shit for ms aarmau simply because of pdh and the FUCKING WEIRDNESS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP

sorry this, once again, turned into a rant about how aaron's introduction as a love interest fucking ruined everything (my words, not anyone elses)

to sum up this long, long, long post my thoughts on laurence are as follows: i think hes written very poorly in mystreet and severely mishandled in mcd. i think that he had the potential to be very interesting in both series if used properly and he couldve had more intersting things happen to him in terms of the love interest department.

i think hes a character that gets the a lot of the character assassination tirade that jesson went on and i wish we got to see more of him but unfortunately we never will since you know his va left.

but most importantly:

hes my pookie wookie booboo bear and i love him so bad and im going to shake him and bite him and rip him to shred

well... i hope you got what you wanted. i have emptied all of my thoughts about laurence

#laurence zvhal #aphmau laurence #laurmau #aphverse #aphmau #mystreet #aphblr #aphmau mystreet #aphblur #aphmau mcd #mcd #minecraft diaries #mcd laurence #ms laurence #zerotalks #zerobehindthescreen #zerogetsasked

[kusundei]

chat somethitb baf is happening.

no bcuz i had tbaf feeling this mornjng a little. i assumed it was me recovering from what i had said last night and grieving slightly but as the hours pass im slowly getting mire and more scared. i feel. sick.

i just i pdnt know god forbid the shower isnt helping. i think its the hot water its makinf it hard ti breathe but i know i wont have a panic attack no more how hard id wish it jnto existance. god how i wish i cohld have them still but im doomed to recovery even if it makes me more ill. im shaking and the water is boiling but i fesl cold. my throat is closing in on itself and j cant breathjkiuhwe? and i just feel so. so. torn? confused? doomed?

i. just. theres so much going in i think and god let it be the homework looming over me or the threat of the job or just home or eli and kira or god ajax. let jt be any but not all at once i am sick

i just i feel os. so. so. so. ? i cnatn even explain it i feel too mich right now and i cant pinpoint what im feelifn exaclty im jsut i cant

the most horrible bit abo this is that eight now like ysual im thinking about her. shes pipped into my mi today and she wont leave me alone and its been looming ovee me more than usual i just i dont know ehat is happening i feel strange nad insecure and i want to have a panica ttaxk so fuckinf abd but i cant because i hate when it just sticks okto me i feel sick

i genuinely cant im jjst so. fucking. i dokt knowni just i keep thinking about everything for no reason and its freakinf menkht and god forbif i just i .? i??, i want ajax so bad right njow?,? do nkt miscontrue my words i hhst i want to tely on someone and i want to let myself be vulnerable and i want to cry and i want someone to hug me and tlel me everyhtjng will be okay and that im nkt a burden and i can take up space and i can feel my own feeling snad j dont have to leep bearing others and keep doing thigs flr lther people and i want somekne to tell me im not selfish and im not a horrible person and god what the fuc is happenjnf tl me

i jsht god i cannt. the teason jd is looming so badly over me and gkf forbid i thjnk about bella too right now bht j jsut i cant? im taunting by mysrlf. consemning myself. i can commhnicate i am good at thag i can help myself but i juet i dont know what im doinfg. i feel strange and matbe thats what it is from yesterday because i said that and i regret it because i teel like ive just dumped all my feelings out for no reason i let mtself be vulnerable becahse i wasnt thiking straight and now im scared. im scared in the same wag hes scared i dont like change. i dont like jt and im thinking abkut it now and in scared? and jdotn know why??? i want change with you but im also horrified i wont be enlufh and i cant help. god forbid jd mindset rekindles inside of me but i jjst im so scared to be vulnerable. ii want to rely on someone j want to bevulnerabme i want to tell you im not feeljng good right now and i want you to know eberythint about me and i want you to understand but . but. but. theres so much stopping me. you are not mine but i am yours heh webweaving but i jhst i cant chat? ,? i an not your issue. you have your own issues you vocalized them with me and i just feel so. broken.? i dont confess that i feel the same way becahse i will not soeak into the truth that i am also doomed that i am broken and i am lying and i am a horrible person truly at heart and i wanted to help yu and put you first becaushe you mean soso much to me but i am not the good version of you i am the version of yoy that is lying to make themself feel better and victimize themself and hurt. hurt peiple hurt people. i an fuckijng ill andi an talking aboth so many things rifht now i jsut god jd i cant i mjss her but i dont i miss the wway felt with her thag i felt like i could be comfortable and talk to her and be broken but i cant do that with you because im not lile that. i an not rhat gersion of me anymore and god i just icantn fucking im ill and theres sp much . i am thinking ablht all the time god forbid your ex and the others and i am ill and sickened and selfish and horrible. and i didnt eben respond to eli and im horriblr and i keep trying to distract myself but tis nlt working and GOD you keep texting me and i jsht want to talk to you and cry i want to crt so bad i want to tell you that i need you but why do i need you why am i so attached to oyou am i already codependent from this many months? am i broken? am i still sick? i have healed in the least jmpprtant points i jjst i im sp. I cant. injsjt i need to calm down and think i feel so horrible ans so selfish i want someone to hell me but i want to be doomed but i want spmelone and i want thag to be you but im selfis h and im sorry

[themichaelvan]

tagged by @changingcore / 15 questions for 15 mutuals (oh fuck do i even have that many)

are you named after anyone? - birth name, nope. does it count if i got my chosen name from a fictional character??

when was the last time you cried? - this morning!! nothing 2 be concerned about i got woken up by the fire alarm (also nothing to be concerned about it just needs the battery replaced) and was so tired & upset i started crying, which happens. more often than i would like. hm. maybe i named myself after the wrong afton kid

do you have kids? - nope!! i do like interacting with them though but only like 3 max at a time JFJRJFNG

do you use sarcasm a lot? - irl yes, online only sparingly. & i make it very exaggerated not usually deadpanned or anything so people can Tell (which of course nobody needs except for Me but i digress)

what sports do you play/have played? - did soccer when i was a little kid (Hated It), was on a swim team for a while, and did marching band for the longest (which is my favorite and yes it counts as a sport and you cannot say it doesn't until you've been in marching band. cunt)

what's the first thing you notice about other people? - typically clothes and then hair! i have a relatively mild (but still pretty bad compared to ppl without it) case of face-blindness, and i CANNOT tell people apart by their faces at all unless they have smth like a bunch of facial piercings or a scar or smth Noticable so i tend to look at other things first.

eye colour? - ??? hazel-brown ??? no idea tbh but at least partially brown

scary movies or happy endings? - HAPPY ENDINGS. i am soso scared of scary movies i will gladly watch the little prince for the 60th time. Alternate Universe - Everybody Lives / Nobody Dies is one of my favorite tags on ao3.

any special talents? - ? What does this mean. i guess proofreading/editing?? i have always LOVED doing it and i just. naturally keep track of all the Language Rules and enjoy using them. the autism kicking in i suppose. and yes it does count as a special talent actually you would not BELIEVE how many candies i got in 5th grade from ppl bribing me to read over their essays.

where were you born? - arizona/usa. same town as my mom actually (despite her moving like 7 times in between her birth and mine)

what are your hobbies? - listen to music and pace around my room until i pass out. and painting, writing, drawing, various other arts n crafts, guitar, percussion when i have the chance (rn i only have a practice pad :|), and mobile games of heavily varying quality.

do you have any pets? - not atm but i used to have two cats (both still alive just in different household) that i still consider my little kitties :] i have 150+ pictures of them on my phone if you ever need cats i Got you

how tall are you? - 5'11" now!!! was hovering around 5'7"-8" for the longest time but i recently had a growth spurt and now im only the SECOND shortest in my family (out of six)

favourite subject in school? - by the material probably math! it is sometimes difficult for me to get a concept but once i do it's Easy. i also do have an advantage (parent has math degree and is good at explaining) but i try and make up for it by helping everyone else as much as i can jfjdndjf. by the Class def band/music class if that counts. both of my music teachers have been both very scary yet very nice to me and i loved their classes so so much and i extremely enjoy playing instruments with other people (when they behave)

dream job? - sorting pokemon cards in a comfortable chair as a day job with a 4 day workweek, being a freelance renowned fiction editor on my own time, with occasional music-related gigs (tutoring, repairing stuff, playing in concerts, etc). i give you no shit if i could do that for the rest of my life and get paid well enough to live on my own or with roommates i like, have a cat, and have enough time and energy to homecook a meal 3-4 nights a week i would be so happy. that's all i want in life. "oh you would get bored doing the same thing day in day out" no i wouldn't "how" autism.

tags: @irradiatedblood @schmope-is-dead @sapphireclaw @bmo-2143 @pokette @soldiertransgender @astral--horrorshow @catnerdenby @unrestrainedbalderdash @buggiboo @lunar-anomaly @altruisticmystik @syntacticerrortxt @catlokis-blog @rosesareredjaybirdsareblue . okay. okay i think that's 15. im pretty sure. jegus.

#chatter #tag game #as usual no pressure and lmk if you don't want to be tagged in things like this!!! #terrence. if u r seeing this. i am so sorry this took insanely long JGJFJJSKFMMGJT #i realize i did not have to do it but i DID .!!!!!!! it's been in my drafts forever ive been slowly chipping at it

[fictofaggot]

i want to see you make a gender ( /maybe sexuality's ) post about the homestucks' sprites like that cool deathbycatgirl did. do it do it do it

i actually made a list for myself right after i saw @deathbycatgirl's original post (haii!) but o didnr make it an image because im soso tireds here you go^_^:

john is a trans girl but wont figure it out until shes like 40 despite being surrounded by transsexuals all the time. also extremely aroacespec to me

rose is cis but like in a really really butch boy way so like cis but not cis she's a trans girl but still a cis girl but literally not cis at all tbh she's like cistrans. also lesboy

jade is a trans girl who can never feel attached to any prns so she just goes with she/it/paw. shes very genderful but even more gender fuckery ensues after grimbark. aroacespec aplatonicspec fuck you

dave is cisgender. trans girl dave has a special place in my heart though. ace

dirk

roxy is a trans catgirl + lovess neoprns + dyke as fuck

jake is 100% aroace and i don't care enough about him to think about his gender sorry

jane my wonderful gal mwaaah mwah mwah she's got that trans girl swagalicious swag i hate cis jane sorry not sorry. mspec lesbian realness

karkat is . . . karkat is certainly something? he's an utter mystery to me i won't lie he's like if emo was a cisgender

aradia is beyond my comprehension in terms of gender. unfortunate type gal. transhet + straightbian + dykefag

tavros TRANS GIRL FUCK YOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EXPLOSION SOUND EFFECTS AND KILLING also i definitely think she wants to use neos but is so so afraids

sollux is transfem bigender. but like infinin because he's every boy gender but also every girl gender so hes infinite genders but not like every gender. ljterally just the definition of infinin. bisexual het lesbo fag KABLOOM

nepeta is a crazy transfem cat girl thing fucking beast fucking ravenous animal of a gal. not an ounce of boyness in her except when its funny and/or convenient. uses it/its and every neopronoun paw can get mews claws on and like she/her for a bit of girly fun on the side but not Primarily she/her? he/him too when it's funny. ummm. unlabeled for sexuality only cause i think it'd change so often that labeling would be entirely impossible

kanaya is my wonderful romantic goth vampire trans girl (but like only in terms of gender not actually presentation wise do you understand. her normal outfits are just Too). i think she'd use like 1 set of neos vamp/vamps maybe? and she's a pan lesbian because fuck every thang

terezi is a freak of a girl. every girlfreak girlbeast type gender in existence she can be infinin too for funsies. ummm any prns + a futch dyke who loves boys also

vriska is the most trans girl in the whole entire world. i hate transmasc vriska. also shes too busy being kind of miserable to think about he4 gender but i think if she really sat down and considered she'd be not as binary as she thinks. bi lesbo.

equius trans girl SHUR HTE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!DIE DIE DIE KILLING YOU WITH MY FISTS.shes femme too because i said so. girlfag also. aroacespec as fuck. aplatonic

gamzee non binery any pronounse ok? ok. unlabeled because specifics are too much but mspec queer for sures. aro

eridan trans girl with a bit of nonbinary freakism thrown in for spice and silliness. like vriska in the sense that she thinks she's more binary than she actually is but eridan would figure it out sooner. also a girlfag but likw a boydyke too ok. aroacespec

i understand feferi in a way no one else can anr the only wau i can describe it is genderqueer cis girl but its so much more than that. i could write an essay on it. i think she'd be unlabeled or like heteroflex but im not sure in which direction the hetero occurs

kankri is cis but his fminine and twinkish demeanor confuses the masses constantly much to his chagrin and rage. also he's mistaken for being trans constantly because of his vast knowledge on every discourse ever. canonically aroacespec

damara TRANS GIRL FUCK YOI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK OFF FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also ummm lesbo or bi or both i think but like in a loveless aroace caused by trauma way

rufioh is cis but also girlish to me i really don't know what to tells you . aroace. also no Pronouns this is the one thing im sure of with any of the dancestors

mituna is entirely unlabeled i couldn't explain it to you if i tried

meulin is an aroacespec trans gay man but in a distinctly and extremely girlfag type of way. . . do u understand . . . do you get me . . .

porrim is so transsexual and such an aroacespec bi dyke i wish j could elaborate on the dancestors more but they're So

latula is a trans girl but like in a way that is so latula core. do you get it. yeah

aranea is really interesting to me in the way that she's cis but also definitely a trans girl but also i don't care at all and it's a mystery to me. she's just so beforus

horuss TRANS TRANS GIRL GO CRAZY GO RAGGGAGHHAHHHHH GAHHHHHHHHHHHsysfluid and horsegender and aroace aplatonic fag with 5000000 neopronouns that no one ever uses including her

i honestly do not care about kurloz at all ummm. bigender boygirl girlboy in a type of way

meenah sucks and i don't like her. ummm cis

also for some other guys i like:

midnight crew and felt are mostly unlabeled and/or cis by nature of their societu and also they just don't feel particularly gender special to me

die is really special to me tho he's my malewife girlhusband but like you wouldnt get it hes only gender in very very specific situations

the exiles are ALL nonbinary fuck you

all the sprites are bigender (i don't care about davepeta at all sorry) (arquius and fefeta are like if bigender was two of the same gender so like gender²)

hal is nothing. like out of sillyness they just refuse

cherubs are both trans in opposite directions but i won't clarify who's which way or why. they're both homo in opposite directions also

#i love this ask and I love you anon #thank you

[ryxkenkxgami]

omg okay. top 5 orv characters who aren't yoohankim. anddd top 5 orv arcs that Aren't dark castle. 💖

OHHH BOY THANKS GRACE..............here we go lol. i won't even cheat and use sp/od lmfao

top 5 orv characters who aren't yhk: (it's all Girls. all of it.) 5. lee jihye! she is so fun and wonderful to watch grow and i genuinely love how hilarious she is. number 2 joongdok supporter and number 1 high school badass of my heart.... her speech when they find out they're all novel characters tears my heart to shreds

4. jung heewon! WOW talk about cool women doing cool things.... she is amazing. i love her and her character arc so much. oh my lord. her -- being salvation breaks my fucking heart. the relationship she has with kdj and with everyone, really, is so important to me.... i love her.

3. uriel! oh my god i had no idea how much i would love uriel when i first started orv. i expected to hate all the constellations but she's amazing... she loves kdj with her whole heart. and her jd shipping is hilarious and relatable. and oh my god 999 uriel? what a BADASS? and also incredibly tragic. i'm so glad she gets to live with the 999 gang and od happily ever after.

2. yoo sangah! she was always a character i really liked from the getgo but her time as a librarian really solidified it for me. she's just... the friend of all time. she cares about kimcom so much and it's so sincere.. her conversation with kdj about how they would've been friends and supported each other through life makes me cry. and her pepper in coffee stunt is legendary.

shin yoosung! she was originally best girl, actually, but then hsy took over my heart whoops lmao. but she's amazing. i adore her character development and her entire just... her relationship with kdj especially is so wonderful. the story she gets during the journey to the west arc made me cry a little bit. i love how much she grows and she was so soso cute i die.

runner ups include lhs, knw, and lgy!

top 5 orv arcs that aren't dark castle:

5. oh this is tough uhhh i think disaster of floods? this was the moment in orv that really kinda jammed itself into my brain permanently. when i was reading for the first time this was the part that i could not put down and HAD TO SEE how things played out.... and then proceeded to binge read the rest of the novel in a week HAHA

4. 73rd demon realm!!! how fun!! revolutions in each other's names? check. one of my favorite moments in the novel? check. the beginning of the pocket watch? check. the extremely dramatic "YOU JERK LEAVE HIM ALONE"? check!!!!!

3. gigantomachia, because i love mechas, i think kim namwoom is hysterical, and i love greek mythology. and also the iconic "it has always been "once' for me" moment. absolutely love that moment. the whole thing was so much fun and i was just absolutely pumped reading it.

2. epilogues...... listen i like hurting myself, and i love to imagine what could happen in the future. i did write almost 40k about it!!!! and also the reveals were so well done. nothing in fiction has ever hurt me quite the same way as the orv epilogues. woof.

1863 BAYBEE. it breaks my heart! it hurts me so much!!!! i genuinely had no idea what to expect going into it, but i couldn't put it down. i had to see what was going to become of this yjh who was so broken he would eat dirt on command. of this hsy who had done what kdj wanted to do - just without the inclusion of his most important part, yjh. it also began my crackpot theory of sp being yjh and wouldn't you know that was canon. lmfao.

runner ups would include the theater dungeon, n'gai forest, 46th main scenario, and the great war of saints and demons!!!

thanks grace i had too much fun with this. ily

#orv #mitzi.txt #ask game #orv really just makes me type like a madman huh #kyle saw me answering this and asked if i were sprinting #. #lmfao

[spicycowboyhole]

taking a shower tomorrow

i didnt get much for christmas this year tbh

im kinda jealouse cuz my siblings got really expensive shit and i got like pretty much just stocking stuffers lol. i guess if i really want something i need to get it myself huh

anyway,, he texts me constantly but also calls me everyday. hes so nice to me it makes me cry. H is nice to me too. when i think about how nice these internet strangers are to me it makes me sad because i feel like im not allowed to be myself and im not accepted at home. im so afraid to be myself here and i dont feel like i fit in but when i talk to the little people in my phone?? they make me feel things? like im not crazy or weird OH MY GOD istg i cry almost everytime i talk to him cuz hes soso nice to me

idk what it is or what i wanna say exactly i kinda just wanna figure out how to word this so ik how to tell my couonselor.

what happened recently was i went to walmart with my dad and like i didnt take a shower or anything cuz we were just going to applebees and walmart and i dont even like applebees so who cares if my hair is fucked up right but when we went to walmart my dad was like you need a makeover cuz ur hair is bad and i kinda took offense honestly cuz i dont like my dad making comments about my appearence like this one time he told me i "need to work on my glamour" like wtf so i told my mom what he said to me at walmart and she AGREED WITH HIM AND SCHEDULED A DAY TO TAKE ME TO THE MALL TO BUY CLOTHES. and then so we went like on firday before christmas and it just kinda made me feel like a child and also like i was neglected when i was an actual child cuz idk i have like a lot of self image issues and i just wear whatever makes me not hate how i look and rn thats big skirt and little shirt but my mom wants me to wear jeans and regular shirt and i just think i look so bad in it. like she wanted me to get 5 outfits at the mall and i was like "so we're just gonna buy 5 pairs of the ssame pants? what if i dont even wear them?" and she said "YOU HAVE TO" so after that i felt kinda belittled? basically like i had no power or say in what im allowed to wear like A KID. BUT when i was an actual kid i would litterally go to school and my shoes would fall apart and i used the same ugly backpack from like 6th til highschool. like i dont understand why my parents suddenly care about how i look? now that im an adult? theyr ebasically saying they dont like how i dress and that upsets me because i feel like im finally able to learn how to express myself with how i dress now that im not inschool and scared of how people might percieve me and theyre judging not just how i look but also me yk

i NEVER got compliments when i was younger. i mean definatelelty not as much as i do now that im not as afraid of being myself. i mean people compliment me on my hair, my outfits, my glasses, my voice.

IM SMART, IM FUNNY, IM SILLY, IM WITTY, IM CUTE, IM PRETTY

IM GOOD

my hwole life everyone would describe me as quiet, shy. i thought i was weird, abnormal, i thought everything i liked was stupid.

i think i just need to get out of here.

its so hard to not hate myself when everyone around me sucks.

again, self image issues, insecurity, shame. when i was younger i used to hide pictures of myself cuz i just thought i looked so ugly and i still do. i'll look at those old pictures and think why would my parents let me go out in public like that? like ive always thought i was only cute as a toddler and then went downhill after that lol. but anyway im working on that by saving pics of myself when i was younger cuz thats me!! and if i were my parent i wouldve been a way better parent than my actual ones. she deserves everything she wants.

[laceghost]

uhoh. the misery. or whatever

god I fucking hate having ahdh or whatever the hell this is!! I don't even know what's fucking up my life and I have no idea how to fix it I feel like ive already tried everything I could and I'm. soso tired of it. I'm so close to finishing my last year of school and even tho I only have like one month and a half left idk if I'll survive them I know it sounds dramatic but it really feels like it lately. I can't get myself to do shit even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy and it feels like Im watching my life fall apart around me and I cant do anything to stop it. whatever. whatever!!!! I think realistically Ill get my diploma and Itll be fine on that front but Im gonna crumble at any moment now I feel it and theres not much I can do about it. Wish I could fix my brain or take like 2 months off life to figure out whats wrong with me but nothing is going to wait for me. Anyways feeling pretty hopeless today bc I cant get myself to work and I feel terribly guilty about it!!! Sorry if you read all that

#🦷.txt #venting

[kaijumilf]

~~~ventpost~~~

lmao the way i am this close to blowing my brains out. not literally i dont have access to a gun. but i have access to other methodsa nd i amd so soso fucking tired of being alive in thsi moment. i am so heavily plagued with the curse of existing this way that it makes it impossible for me to make real connections with people.

i have two people in my life at this moment that make literally any of this worth doing. they both live states away. one across the country and the other is closer but then also moving east coast sometime soon. i love them dearly but i dont know if i can keep this up.

everyone else who i wind up having any sort of friendship or connection with winds up finding out just how fucked up i am medically and mentally ill and traumatized and literally on the verge of a full spiral into madness i am, and they dont mean to detach or hurt me, but they just literally cannot comprehend what the fuck my life is or has been, and then they slowly but surely phase out of my life.

its just literally impossible to make anything other than surface level friendships when literally the only thing underneath the first layer of optimism and kindness i have is just rot rot rot rot. and its not even like its the actual truama or neurodivergencies or on and off drug addictions or chemical waste damage or amount of dead people i carry with me that is making me want to kill myself, its the fact that all of that means i am so far removed from anyone else i ever meet in terms of relateability or shared life experience that i end up scaring people away by just how severely fucked up i am.

I am at peace with my life and past and who i am and  actually proud of how ive been able to keep living out of sheer strength of will despite every aspect of my life being so so fucked up, and god seemingly wanting me dead. i go through life looking for and finding the bright things and i am fully WANTING to live and thrive and im trying so fucking hard but. i dont know how much longer living is sustainable when all i can be for other people is a spectacle of pity.

i just want to be loved. and not in the way most people do where they can only love the parts i have been purposefully cultivating as kind and positive and genuinely a good presence in peoples lives since i was a child. the moment they start learning anything about my past that, they are repulsed. and not in a malicious way. no one ever hates me or dislikes me really, they just cannot handle that amount of radioactivity. and i dont blame them. im untouchable past being “inspirational” or “admirable”.

no one wants to touch this kind of decaying beast, no one wants to take home the damaged animal. im like. im a being so malformed that despite feeling sympathy or love for them, people can only love how resilient i am as a symbol of awe and admiration. its pity. its sympathy. thats all i ever am.

i dont want people to feel bad for me when i talk about my life. thats just my life! thats just how it is and it is part of me and im fucking sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. i dont want the “oh my god im so sorry you had to go through that” kind of love. i want the damage to be loved too. i want to be loved fully. i want to be seen as whole. the holes in me are part of me too. and if people will only ever able to love me “despite” those holes then i dont want to be loved.

love me wholly or not at all. id rather be openly hated than seen as someone to be handled delicately. id rather be openly hated than someone who’s past and personal issues makes other people uncomfortable because of how ugly it is. i dont want people to feel bad for me.

this is just who i am and who i will always be, and i am just fine with that! i just want to be treated normally when i talk about my life experiences and joke about them the way most people tell funny stories about high school or their childhood. i want people to laugh with me. but because literally not one area of my life, not one part of my past is not deeply disturbing in some manner, people just cannot laugh with me. they take it as a cry for help or somehow more disturbing that i laugh at the frankly ridiculous amounts of shit ive been through.

but thye dont understand that thats not me coping in an unhealthy manner. im fully aware of how fucked up my entire life has been. i acknowledge it. i accept it. i can laugh at it becasue, Yeah! its insane! truly laughably tragic my entire existence has been. but thats okay!!!!! its fine!!! like im fucked up but i can live with it without constantly being miserable about it!!!! but that doesnt mean i can just go through life without talking abiut it either because its just literally what my life has been. there would be nothing to talk about in terms of who i am if the disturbing parts were off the table.

i invite people to laugh with me! i invite people to find the humor in suffering! i invite people to see these parts of me because i cannot live a life where i am only ever presenting the pretty and relatable parts of me. there arent many of those. and its fucking tiring and frankly more damaging to me to try and pretend thats not the case. i refuse to live like that.

i cannot and will not constantly despair and about the fucked up parts of my life, but i also cannot and refuse to be dishonest about those parts existing for the sake of palatability / being relatable. that would just result in me not just being extremely emotionally repressed but also never having the ability to experience true connection with people, because they would never actually know me. i dont want to live like that.

but unfortunately, im coming to the realization that i dont think there will ever be more than those 2 people who will ever truly know me or ever WANT to. one of them being someone who shared much of my trauma, and the other who has a frankly kind of unsettling amount of at least direct parallels if not the exact same experiences. and neither of them share all of my bullshit in full! but they still love me for the things we dont share, not in spite of them. and i love them both so so so much but i cant go on feeling like either this fucking walking carcass that everyone else in my life sees me as.

i dont want to. i dont want to be this fucking alone. i dont want to be in this glass coffin display case, a thing to point at and go “wow!! its a fucking miracle that wretched thing is still alive at all!! what resilience!!! how inspirational!!!! now lets move on so we dont have to look at the poor thing, its kind of gross. but now at least i can be grateful im not them!!” its fucking torture to be real. truly agonizing.

if thats all people can ever benefit from my existing then honestly. i dont want to be resilient. i dont want to be a survivor.  i just cant fucking do this i cant. im tired of being untouchable. im tired of being radioactive. its no one elses fault, i can empathize with their discomfort. but. i just want to be newton. i want to be me, fully and honestly, but still just newt, still just a person. and still loved for all of it. i dont. i dont think thats possible though. and im so fucking lonely. lonelier than god indeed. i might just join him up there. i mean. whats the point of dragging on this existence when it obviously must be inhumane. im a dog whos been under too many tires.

i may be breathing, i may be full of love and the desire for life. but im also in so much pain all the time. not because of the broken body, but because i cannot be held by anyone without fear. without their worry of breaking me further. and that makes me wish i hadnt survived at all.

people joke about dying wrong. but i think my problem isnt that i died wrong, but that i didnt die at all. and thats a miracle, sure. but its also hideous. IM hideous. im wretched. i should be dead. i dont want to be. but i dont want to be whatever monstrous existence this could be considered.

#newt speaks #vent post #suicide tw

[just-some-random-blogger]

good morning (or day or evening), lovie!! its your prodigal muning. im so sorry i didnt answer you yesterday TT i really am soso sorry TT ive started reading your message ans then the classes, then my focusing attention problems, then homework and these problems with attention and poof! its already 5 a.m. and i realise oh fuck i havent answered you TT and i still overslept today TT but its ok i managed to come on time. oooh its cute to know youve got your love for music from your mom. im sure you look just as cute playing piano as this kitty in the gif) sure your mom wanted the best but im sorry for your trauma. i believe in your skills. since you attached this gif with 13th doctor who, im now thinking about her being the most similar to matts doctor.. you should see yourself :) 'WHY AM I CRUEL THIS TIME' deprive people of your gorgeous voice 'its so much easier to believe in God than yourself' sounds.. yk sincere and so deeply thoughtful like in these films where a persons going to die in a day and needs to live the whole life in this restricted time. in the best way possible. sounds good. it seems like all people from the south are so... warm? shdjd sorry. no but really. all of you have so chilly and kinda hippie vibes. it sounds so real and so true but i really cant imagine myself giving this world so much love. your so lovie-lovie and its so cute and right. love can save the world. приятного аппетита. 24/7. 'in my head its canon' is it time for me to say smth like i have a vodka-gun and a domesticated bear?... owww all your dishes look so good and tasty, i like the pics fhdjs. wowoow ginataang looks really good. and its interesting too learn its like.. etymology. and even more when youre reasoning it yourself. 'ITS ULAM AND ITS WHAT WE EAT WITH RICE' smth like main dish?.. not like i think you dont know this word but im trying to understand.. like the main.. not sweet dish before the dessert? its cute to learn the difference, thanks for your efforts and explainings, hottie-cutie! i like learning what your fav food is too hdjfk. and about this food too. this thing about saying things twice TT cute actually most of the ingredients you mention are so unusual to me that i have to search for each one of them... 'you know that right?' I KNOW NOTHING TT but alright i still have google... sorry but 'nata de coco' sounds so bossy. fjdhdhs SORRY. i dont want to sound so childish but its my first thought. tbh i used to hate coconuts... now i feel neutral, not like coconuts are common here anyway... i feel like i need to give more feedback but im so into all the information you give. like reallyreally educational. 'I GOT SIDE TRACKED SO BADLY' its alright!! i like following your way of thinking!! when i searched for taro (yes idk whats it) i got tarot cards... maybe because in russian it doesnt have t and is literally taro lol...yeah i GOT confused but not bc of the night.... 'GAbi is the food gaBI is night' very educational. thaks for the efforts! i appreciate how much time you give me<з 'i gotta get this right cos she good at history or whatevah' FHSJKHD loll i have no dates in my brain. oh no i remember some that are connected with literature and the year of baptism of Rus. but its interesting, go on. 'this is how i explain stuff to my classmates' one big brain cell. i explain things like that tbh. my literature teacher always laugh at me bc of the way i describe things when were talking informally. and this cunning spain.... wow and its really interesting to know about your languages story! ig ive learnt more now than during all the scool years... you have all rights to curse these 3 idiots! like?? its really irritating when smn corrects you on the thing you know like your hmm... mother tongue??? that stereotype that americans are (a little)... uneducated... and youre telling a person their first language is wrong? dk about all americans but these definately fit the stereotype. i feel like tumblr will see the message as too long again so see you in the part 2!

MUNING YOURE HOME I CAN STO SAYING PSPSSPSPPSPSSPSPSPSPSPSPPSSP NOW

😌 love letter toime

its your prodigal muning. im so sorry i didnt answer you yesterday TT i really am soso sorry TT ive started reading your message ans then the classes, then my focusing attention problems, then homework and these problems with attention and poof! its already 5 a.m. and i realise oh fuck i havent answered you TT and i still overslept today TT but its ok i managed to come on time.

u and i are so twins thats smth i would do/probably have done with a lot of things. you dont have to apologize. i figured about as much when i didnt receive anything.

truthfully though, i was kinda sad yesterday so when you didnt message me T_T i didnt have anyone to talk to T_T i felt like crying yesterday (i figured it was cos i was hungry) but then i realized i have no friends T_T the friends i do have are from my old school and idk i find instant messages easily exhausting. IDK IDK IDK which is why im so excited to read letter from you! anyway it was also because my class yesterday was songwriting and i didnt know anyone there T_T it's giving T_T lonely.

if you apologize for making me sad, 🤬 dont its not ur fault. it was me being hungry and having no friends in that class then being sad i spent all that money on food T_T /LASHfhas/fhashfa f

oooh its cute to know youve got your love for music from your mom. im sure you look just as cute playing piano as this kitty in the gif) sure your mom wanted the best but im sorry for your trauma. i believe in your skills.

trust me i look like this when i play

HAHAHHHAHHAHH. i'm a jazz player (thats a music joke meaning you keep hitting the wrong notes HAHHAHAHA [but also jazz players do really play with like ... 'out of key' sounding things but its not out of key, i have no idea how else to explain it without getting too technical]). of course my mom wanted the best for me, but T_T it still hurts she my mummy T_T. thank you for believing in my skills. i believe in my skills more and more everyday

since you attached this gif with 13th doctor who, im now thinking about her being the most similar to matts doctor.. you should see yourself :)

SHE LOOKS LIKE A SWEETIE CUPCAKE!!! but also you watch doctor who ALSO ALSO NO i refuse to watch doctor who................

'WHY AM I CRUEL THIS TIME' deprive people of your gorgeous voice

T_T IM TRYING I WILL POST ANOTHER SONG TOMORROW and i will make sure i look prettier lol HAHAHHAHAHAHAH idk its hard to keep my yt alive. i have this cover of les miserables but i haved edited it yet and you reminded me i wanted to do that.

OMG OMG IS THERE A SONG YOU WANT ME TO SING!!!!!?????? 🤩🤩🤩 even if its russian i'll sing it for you (but i beg not like the rap you shared i am not a rapper T_T) i will say if it is in russian you must give me a while to learn it.

'its so much easier to believe in God than yourself' sounds.. yk sincere and so deeply thoughtful like in these films where a persons going to die in a day and needs to live the whole life in this restricted time. in the best way possible. sounds good.

💀😭🤣💀😭🤣 I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN BUT YOUR ANALOGY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. well im glad it sounds sincere because it is. i mean it with my whole chest

it seems like all people from the south are so... warm? shdjd sorry. no but really. all of you have so chilly and kinda hippie vibes. it sounds so real and so true but i really cant imagine myself giving this world so much love. your so lovie-lovie and its so cute and right. love can save the world.

T_T pEOPLE IN THE SOUTH ARE WARM HAHAHHHAHAHH im honored to have helped you make such an assumption about us but i can assure you not everyone is warm here, some are so hot they are practically burning with the devil T_T I LOVE THAT YOU THINK IM CHILL AND A HIPPIE HAHAHHAHAH i would say i have no chill and am quite radical. if my parents would allow me, i would march during protests but theyre afraid i might get hurt, also im afraid i would get hurt but i just think its so important to fight and speak about what you believe in!!!!! LOVE WILL OVERCOME THE WORLD!!!!!

well the truth is, no one can really give the WORLD love... unless ur secretly Jesus but you know what, giving 1 person (like me!!! <3) your love (WHICH YOU ALREADY DO!!!) changes my WHOLE world <3 <3 <3 o(*￣▽￣*)ブ it always starts with one thing. one little thing

it reminds me of this post about how pets are only there for a part of your life but you are there for their entire life T_T

i try not to think about that too much cos ill cry.

so yeah dont beat yourself up for not changing the world or not being able to love the whole world, you'll burn yourself with that. a little goes a long way and you;ll find it becomes easier each time

приятного аппетита. 24/7.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

'in my head its canon' is it time for me to say smth like i have a vodka-gun and a domesticated bear?

I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU UNIRONICALLY SAID YOU HAD A DOMESTICATED BEAR IF DEADLY WHY FRIEND SHAPED i dont care for vodka or guns so /:

owww all your dishes look so good and tasty, i like the pics fhdjs. wowoow ginataang looks really good. and its interesting too learn its like.. etymology. and even more when youre reasoning it yourself.

im glad you think so!!! that you like the pics and you think ginataang looks good and the etymology and how im reasoning it HAHAHH

'ITS ULAM AND ITS WHAT WE EAT WITH RICE' smth like main dish?.. not like i think you dont know this word but im trying to understand.. like the main.. not sweet dish before the dessert? its cute to learn the difference, thanks for your efforts and explainings, hottie-cutie!

i guess you could say main dish. i remember when i was younger during the high school musical era, vanessa hudgens said in an interview once she eats a lot of rice because she's filipino and i was like ???? mom wtf does she mean and my mom went oh they dont eat rice and I WAS SO CONCERNED FOR EVERYONE WHO WASNT FILIPINO BECAUSE SHE SAID WE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DID THAT I WAS SO CONFUSED LIKE ALSKHFAHSFASH it took me years to understand what my mom meant LOL cos in the ph when we say we're going to eat rice that means were eating a meal cos yeah everything is eaten with rice here it feels incomplete if you dont. so she meant they eat meals just without rice WHICH SOUNDS ILLEGAL T_T

let me give a clearer example ig. so in the morning when you wake up, if you decide to have idk a sausage youd maybe eat only a sausage right??? or ok maybe with bread. idk in the ph if you dont eat smth with rice (unless ur eating with bread) and you just eat the sausage by itself it's called like papak which basically means youre not eating something properly youre just snacking on it when you could just eat it as a meal IDK o(≧口≦)o its so hard to explain

ok now i have to further explain papak, it could also mean like you have a food item you want to eat but you eat a bit then leave it then come back to it then leave it or youre yeah just not EATING PROPERLY OK I GIVE UP GOOD NIGHT

i like learning what your fav food is too hdjfk. and about this food too. this thing about saying things twice TT cute

IM GLAD YOU LIKE LEARNING ABOUT MY FAV FOOD I HAVE SO MUCH MORE I WANT TO SHARE :LASFHASFASFHASFHLASFHF also yeah its pretty funny how we say things twice HIHIH AHAHAHAH we do that for emphasis, like kabang-kaba where kaba means nervous and the added -ng is just a connector. it's our equivalent of very but we dont have very AHHAHAH we just repeat the word, so if you want to say youre very very very very very nervous you can say KABANG-KABANG-KABANG-KABANGKABANGKABGNANGKANG-KABA ako (ako is 'I' lol)

actually most of the ingredients you mention are so unusual to me that i have to search for each one of them... 'you know that right?' I KNOW NOTHING TT but alright i still have google...

AHHAHAHAHA i hope you enjoyed researching them at least HAHAHAHHA ALSO?????? YOU DONT KNOW WHAT FLAN IS ??? PLOT TWIST???!?!?!? I thought you would know it because its like.... spanish ??? european ??? HAHDKHADHLADHAD AD:HAD: thats on me 😩😞 i assumed T_T HAHAHAHAH i hope you looked it up! hahhaahahahhaHAHAHAH

sorry but 'nata de coco' sounds so bossy. fjdhdhs SORRY.

HAHHAHHAHAHAAH YOU DONT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE HEARD ALL DAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WHY DOES IT SOUND BOSSY HAHHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAAHH THATS SO ??? HAHHA WEIRD DOES IT HAVE A RUSSIAN EQUIVALENT THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THAT TO YOU HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i think it derived from spanish ?? idk nata = nut then coco= coconut? idk i just assume

i dont want to sound so childish but its my first thought. tbh i used to hate coconuts... now i feel neutral, not like coconuts are common here anyway... i feel like i need to give more feedback but im so into all the information you give. like reallyreally educational. 'I GOT SIDE TRACKED SO BADLY' its alright!! i like following your way of thinking!!

NO BUT SAME i dont like... processed flavored coconuts lashflkhasfhaslafh its kind of the same way i feel about bananas it just so FAKE??????????? and why ruin it just eat a banana if you want a banana and eat a coconut if you want to eat a coconut. i will say there are again some exceptions to the coconut thing but yeah lasfkhasfas. you dont have to give more feedback no pressure HAHAHAH im glad to receive a reply at all my brain is just like I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS PERFECTLY BECAUSE THIS PERSON HAS NO IDEA WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT AND IF I EXPLAIN THIS WRONG THEIR UNDERSTANDING WILL FOREVER BE WRONG FOREVER UNLESS SOMEONE CORRECTS THIS KNOWLEDGE I HAVE IMPARTED

when i searched for taro (yes idk whats it) i got tarot cards... maybe because in russian it doesnt have t and is literally taro lol...yeah i GOT confused but not bc of the night.... 'GAbi is the food gaBI is night' very educational. thaks for the efforts!

well i did not forsee taro being the hinderance HAHAHAHAHAH so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ at least im still educational love that for me

i appreciate how much time you give me<з

of course i love you <3 💗💗💗💖💖💖💖

while we're here let me share another food HIHIIHIHIHHHHIIH

this is called KARE-KARE HAHAHAHAH but las;hf;lahsflas i dont think it has a meaning T_T but its on theme it's repeated twice but ???? idk i dont think it has meaning AHHAHAHAH

ASHF:ASHF:AF AF:ASF IM LOVE IT its not a dessert its an ulam. ALSO GOOGLE SAID IT WAS AS STEW???? NOW IM SO CONFUSED ISNT STEW LIKE A SOUP ASKHFAS ahhhh nvm google defines stew as 'a dish of meat and vegetables cooked slowly in liquid in a closed dish or pan.'

google is so correct that is what karekare is <3

so this typically cooked with beef/tuwalya or pork but ig you could cook it with... sheep/goat or chicken but i told my mom i wanted karekare once and she was like red meat is expensive and i was like we can make chicken and she got mad at me so ig not chicken AHHAHAHA.

ok now tuwalya^^^^^^, the first time i tried it, i hated it T_T also i was so confused why it was called that because tuwalya is towel ????? like wtf why would you call it that. anyway the not towel tuwalya is apparently cow stomach (LOL I LOVE THAT IDK IT HAHAHAH) but yeah its pretty tough and super chewy which was why i hated it at first i was like YOU HAVE DESECRATED MY BELOVED DISH but now i LOVE tuwalya and i go ??? yall didnt put tuwalya in this tsk tsk L (also apparently its ox tripe?? but do we even have ox in the ph????? HAHHAAH:ASHFHaslfhashfhasfla)

anyway it usually has vegtables cooked with it like pechay (bok choy????? [i only know this word cos of plants vs zombies HAHHAHAH]) wtf google said its cabbage but thats false im ??? ig maybe pechay is a type of cabbage. ig it is buk choy

this ^^^ (above) is pechay and sitaw (string beans) YOU SHOULD HAVE STRING BEANS RIGHT LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND SAY YOU DONT KNOW WHAT STRING BEANS IS

anyway this is sitaw. HAHAHHAH then eggplant PLS YOU HAVE EGGPLANTS IM SURE.

also in the pic for karekare the circle ones on the side that kinda look like onions those are puso ng saging which would be heart of banana in english LOL i think its called that because thats like the core of the... the tree?? or the soft part of the-

hollup lemme research it

banana blossoms??????? thats what is according to google T_T

OH I GET IT NOW ITS THE REDDISH THING i guess its like the flower of the plant NOW WE BOTH LEARNED SOMETHING AHHAHAH

yeah i dont think ive eaten karekare with puso ng saging but i like puso ng saging HAHAHA

and lastly, the most interesting part of the dish is that its sauce is made of (from what i remember from my mom [ok i searched it to be sure]) its made with onion garlic and.... [drum roll] peanut butter!!!

i dont remember if i was shocked when i first learned this AHHHAHAHA cos i was so young HAHAAHAHAH but yeah peanut sauce and ground peanuts but lol my mom just buys the karakare powder mix HAHHAAHAHAH. ive seen a chef on tv flat out use peanut butter but yeah it'll be sweet if you do that so my mom doesnt do that ig idk i dont remember HAHAHHA

i also ask for this food on my birthday. every day i get to eat karekare is a special day <3

end scene

'i gotta get this right cos she good at history or whatevah' FHSJKHD loll i have no dates in my brain. oh no i remember some that are connected with literature and the year of baptism of Rus. but its interesting, go on.

LOL UR LIKE ME FR I HAVE A 1% retention rate of date AHAHAAH thats being so generous tbh

'this is how i explain stuff to my classmates' one big brain cell. i explain things like that tbh. my literature teacher always laugh at me bc of the way i describe things when were talking informally.

BIG BRAIN THINGS they can laugh but if it works it works

and this cunning spain.... wow and its really interesting to know about your languages story! ig ive learnt more now than during all the scool years...

HHHHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHHAHAHHAH T_T i feel you AHHAHAH i love learning stuff from people who are passionate about what they talk about and the only reason why i retained any of these things was because my teachers who taught me this were amazing T_T

you have all rights to curse these 3 idiots! like?? its really irritating when smn corrects you on the thing you know like your hmm... mother tongue???

very truly annoying when someone is a know it all that knows nothing [inhales deeply] inner peace. i felt way better about them now that ive finished ranting about it. i forgive them (still hard to type a lot of hesitation went into that) ヾ(•ω•`🌸)o anyway if i keep getting mad ill only upset myself so T_T i gotta forgive them for me.

that stereotype that americans are (a little)... uneducated... and youre telling a person their first language is wrong? dk about all americans but these definately fit the stereotype.

👎 doing uncle sam a disservice.... do you know uncle sam means america? HAHAH I only learned that from my mom apparently its a comic person thing but im not interested nor do i care enough to dig deeper into that

i feel like tumblr will see the message as too long again so see you in the part 2!

PART TWO YAY SEE YOU

xxx

#anon ask #my beloved anons #modern!daemon anon #ask #modern!daemon nonnie

[feversxmirrors]

unorganized thoughts on yesterday as i drink my black coffee and sit with all the memories:

- alex g is just.. he's fucking incredible. he was side stage most of the time before his set and i couldn't stop glancing over at him and the band and he had this stupid lil bucket hat on and they all chugged a bottle of wine together and talked to tv girl a lot and it was just so cute. i cried during gretel, i think he noticed lol. i really hope he plays in a regular venue here soon bc i need the full experience sooo soso bad

- tv girl was so fucking good!! pantyhose and cigarettes out the window were probably my favorites they played, but i would absolutely kill to see not allowed. regret chugging an agua fresca (that i paid mfing $15 for smfh) and hard seltzers beforehand though bc i had to leave 2/3rds in to run to the bathroom or i would have pissed myself before alex came on but i kinda wish i just pissed myself haha

- speaking of that i'm glad i was buzzed when huddy was playing bc.. yeah self explanatory

- i adore we the kings live, that was probably one of the most fun sets and i felt like i was back at warped tour when they were on

- anthony mfing greeeeeen <3 i don't know much saosin (more a circa and tsoaf and solo listener) but goddamn they were great. makes me mad that they were so early in the day on the main stages bc i would have replaced their set time w taking back sunday's set time fr, they deserved it w how hard they went

- i was so happy we caught adtr's set, we weren't planning to but it was a huge nostalgia bomb and they know how to fucking work a crowd, and they played all my old favorites

- okay.. major thing. major. i of course was so fucking elated to see bright eyes live for the first time when i've been waiting to see conor my whole life pretty much. i cried mad during their set, i felt the biggest part of my heart soar when they played easy/lucky/free. but i fucking hate that it was in this setting. i felt so fucking bad for him, for the festival people treating him like shit, for the crowd treating him like shit. he was so fucked up during the set that it was majorly concerning. i've never seen him in an angry kind of drunk. it broke my heart to see him look like that, to see him forget the words and slurring his speech so bad and for being so self deprecating and mad. the whole time during and after i just really fucking hoped he was okay. it makes me feel selfish to hope that i can see them again in a different setting but like.. i can't think of that being my bright eyes experience at the same time yanno.

- on a brighter note, FUCKING BMTH!!! i want to kiss oli sykes holy shit they were so cool their set slapped so haaard (even though nitpicky but i wish they played more older jams). i think jacs and i pretty much held the energy of 100 ppl bc no one moved around us or jammed at all and it was disappointing we got stuck around ppl waiting for paramore and mcr but i didn't even care bc i was having the Time of my Life jamming to shadow moses. this is sempiternal!!!

- ohhhh paramore, beloveds, babies, angels, precious souls. i have so many things to say but i can't even comprehend how great they are. everything about them. hayley and zac just know that you are a huge reason i am the person i am today and i am forever grateful for that <3

- lastlyyy THE GARDEN!!! i'm so sad we didn't see the first half of their set but i went full on bonkers when we got to them. the pit was so fucking good and i love them all so so much thank you for ending the night on the perfect note!!!

#ace types #this is a doozy apologies lol #but wwwy was definitely an experience (•: #also on another note this fest was probably the most safe and organized fest i have ever been to and i'm very grateful they did that

[kusundei]

oh my god im fucking crying????? oke up (a little earlier than usual) to check my phone and. god. ph my fucking god. im ltierally fucnjng crying andi dont know why?? like full of tears streaming down my face i mean it is thursday so shot day and amybe ill be hungrier and a little mote emptional as i am normally dueing thjs time of the week im just so.?

chat god i. am. . so seriously. like in love with him or something he is actually the sweetest fuckijg thing ever .? i dont talk ab my own doubts and insecurities all too much (only truly on here but i prevent myself in order to not tweak) but no i am truly, so so insecure. i condemn myself and hate myself for the way i am at my core but you just make me? into the person i wish i was? does that make sense? loving you is hust so simple i wish i was the way i am with you all the time. genuinely ajax i am so in love with you it is consuming me. you r so nice to me but so full of hate towards yourself and god how i wish i could help you see yourself like how i see you. but that goes both ways i believe.

“you are too kind to me and not kind enough to yourself” do you hear yourself right now ?? i am kind to you becayse thats all i feel. everyone js deserving of kindness. of love and i will preach that till the day i die. i try to be kind to myself in the ways i know how its jdut hard and regardless i dojt truly show you the extent of that sort of thing regarding myself and my own problems j am juuust. sooo. im still fucking crying . everything you say everything youdo i hold it so closelyto myself i am soso seriously inlove wjth you ajax darei never fuckinf say it because it feelsevil go mention flr some sort of reason but i just. wantto be soo much more than friends. i know its implied but its the label. soothes alot of my anxiety and i just wantto be able to fondly admit andsay how seriously i am in love with you and just be me. ab jt. its evil and queerbut i love that and no igodim willing to wait forever i dont care. I dont care i dont care. i will wait forever for you and id do everything over and over again in every universe. i am tied to you. infatuated, enthralled. i adore you . every bit of you it consumes me and i will let it i just feel so , touched? right now im just. coping. from your words . i hudt keep longingto be with you. how desperately inust wantto hold you forever and kiss you and just be. with you. itdrives mecrazy andnakesme sick just hownhch i feel and how desperately i want to bewirh you i know how it feelsto be giving giving giving all the timr because that is me. all i do is give i will give till i have nothing left. i dont enjoy it half the time but with you i want to give you everything. make that so cleae because i truly do and kd do it over and pver. i do thinks for you idont think id do normally. not in. a mjllion years. i just wish i could truly save you. but i dont know if you cohld save me either. i just hate to seeyou hurt andthatll always be there im just dishonest and private. i feel but i dont pften show how mych i feel. i truly wpuld never get tiredofyou because you are all i ever want to be with anyway, i dont know how to make jt any clearer than i have other than just hvijg you see yourself through my eyes and being me. because i truly wouldnt. i adore you so mjch and im soin love with you ittruly nust wouldnt. leave me like that . i wish i could soothe your sorrows and doubts . i wish you could trust mebut i know. i know i know i know. and i always will understand. i just truly wish i could. im practicing my own healing aswell atthis point and am i doing well? no. but i will keep trying for you because you r truly the only thjng that motivatesme.

i just truly i. find more and more ways to try and explain it to you and id keep doing it over and over till u truly understand me. ive calmed down and im on the bus now im just. writing this in advance to respinding to you so i sort my thoughts and think of somethjng to say .. im sure you wouldnt appreciate if i tried to provide solace or something but thats just how i am. i will always feel and i feel so mich for you its undeniable ajd you cant prevent me either. i keep condemninf myself for it but i might just start. embracing it. the thjnfs i dont do out of fear - if me doing those things will help prove to you how much i truly care then i will. ill do anything for you genuinely ajax i will. i miss you again and all the time and you r just. everything to me. god forbid i just. love you so much. every inch of me id give to you. however i digress ., i hope we have a good day today and things work out. i hope you feel better when you wake up and i am always here for you even in forms of tumblr posts. how i love you so dearly. i love you ajax.