#i feel like no one is fucking communicating with me. like can you fucking work with me. my fucking god.

[drdemonprince]

I've noticed a pattern in anticapitalist books I read (specifically I'm talking abt Mark Fisher here, in Capitalist Realism). They do this great anticapitalist analysis etc and then go on to critique their students? and sometimes it's a bit ableist? it's like all the critical thought goes out of the window and they cannot understand the situation because for once suddenly they are in the authoritative position. It always gives me this "I don't understand these kids, back in my day-" vibe, and I see this with lecturers at university too. like Mark Fisher maybe we can think outside the box about your student who "needs" headphones to focus in class "even though no music is playing". and maybe it's not to do with the "Matrix"(????) I'm well aware this was written in 2008 but it's weird that I see this pattern continue today. Not to mention Mark Fisher took part in some ableist studies, and was a guy with questionable intentions on occasion.

it's like you Just said that reducing labour is good why are you calling your students lazy, that's so unprofessional and privileged. I wonder of coincidence that he is anti-meds when his right wing, pro-eugenics, accelerationist friend was addicted to amphetamines.

Or even just the amount of people who have written books about laziness and anticapitalism (excluding you) and just saying the most contradictory shit ever?? or not following their own ideology???

Anyway, I wonder if, when writing Laziness Does Not Exist, you came across any of this and were equally as baffled.

Materialism is just *so* true that high-status academics don't have a vested class interest in seeing their student struggles as legitimate or in recognizing the struggles of disabled people in general. For many edgy academic leftists having the correct opinions is just a way to flex one's intellectual status, not a lived experience they give a shit about. I'm not shitting Fisher in particular in saying this, it's more that it's a really widespread problem in the culture of these kinds of (very white, very academic, very cishet) leftists communities. You see the same kind of thing among some of the Chapo stan types, too, you don't have to be specifically an academic to do it -- lots of people throwing around the r-slur and flexing on how much they have read and doing fuck all for the oppressed people around them. I tend to find it especially common among people who inherited leftism from their (often academic) parents? Whereas leftist communities populated by Black & brown anarchists and working class people tend to fare a lot better in this particular respect.

Note that I'm not saying a person's identities are a guarantee of them being any more radical -- there's lots of liberals lurking in our midsts of all identities for instance -- more that someone's orientation toward power tells you a lot. and unfortunately there is an approach to leftism that puts a lot of stock in either institutional power via the academy, or in a kind of soft power of intellectual authoritativeness that tends to punish anyone who is supposedly less well read, less intelligent, lazy, needs disability accommodations, has trauma triggers, or what have you.

The simple answer is that power and privilege obscures other people's challenges from you, and the desire to preserve one's power (be it actually institutional academic authority or just the status of the person who supposedly knows the most in the room) leads to a lot of oppressive behavior. a lot of these guys that you're talking about believe in communism sincerely but they don't have humility, they believe themselves to be superior to most everyone else. and they tend to be white guys from wealthy families who either do not have any disabilities of their own, or they have the undiagnosed intj mastermind rational flavor of autism that makes you feel incredibly alienated from others but interpret that alienation as a sign of your intellectual superiority. (i had this type but i got better. a little)

[desceros]

sometimes i think about the future symphony "i should have married you" post you made and it makes me so sad but the other night as i was falling asleep i was struck with absolute agony by the awful idea of "i should have married you" because marrying her would have made her hamato and maybe just maybe then she would have been able to become a hamato spirit. and the brothers most likely would have been able to make contact with the hamato sprits like they do in the series. and because if he married her at least he would have been able to contact her spirit. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh anyways thought i should share hope your day is going fabulously captain desceros

oh, this is awful. allow me to make it even worse :)

we’ve seen in the series that you dont actually have to have the hamato name to be ‘a hamato’ as april demonstrates. we’ve also seen varying levels of. hm. ninj-oscity? ninpo skills? from the boys. like raph and leo doing a ninja mind meld. just. just mikey.

and we’ve always seen that donnie struggles with ninpo the most.

his ninpo is mechanical. when he uses it at its most conscious level, we see it manifest as blueprints coming together. literal pieces, as if constructed with real material. when he panics or doesn’t go through this process, it’s a vague shape that isn’t as strong or as defined in purpose.

so let’s take this scenario you’ve brought to us.

viola-chan would have, unquestionably, been a hamato. and for that reason, i can definitely see her having a hamato spirit.

…..but i dont think donnie would ever be able to communicate with it.

mikey would be the most likely, since he has the strongest ninpo. but he’d be in high demand since he’s so strong, so i think it would tire him and i dont know how much time and energy he’d have to talk to anyone. not to mention the stress he’d feel when donnie would come to him like Hey Can I Talk To My Dead Girlfriend and mikey’s like…. dude i just got home from 24 hours of straight ass kicking i’m about to pass tf out.

and raph, i imagine, died not too long after viola-chan, so whether he could or not is moot.

leo. well. i dont think leo could communicate with viola-chan either. leo is rather avoidant when he feels guilty or ashamed, and (without going into too much of spoiler territory) he’d feel largely unworthy to talk to you, i think. and since we’ve seen that it takes an open heart to use the technique, it wouldn’t work.

and donnie. god. donnie would try. he would try so, so hard. he would try, hours upon hours, every free moment, banging his fists on his thighs as he’d meditate until he’d collapse. reaching out. seeking. already not as strong at this whole ninpo nonsense. unable to calm himself from the need to see you need to see you please just let me see you one last time please please please that would make it impossible to focus. he’d start thinking about tech that could bridge the gap. that’s how his ninpo works, after all. modeling his blueprint. so if he can design a machine that can talk to you. his ninpo can bring it to life.

but he doesnt exactly have a lot of time to dedicate to a personal project like that, let alone one so fucking insane in scale, so actually impossible to do. and as the time passes he grows more and more obsessed with thinking about it. yet simultaneously more and more sure it’ll never happen. i feel like his last moments, alone, bleeding, staring up at the rust-colored sky, he’d be smiling. because of course he he has some kind of death drone army set to go the moment his ninpo cuts off, and it’s one last middle finger to krang. …but also i think he’d be a little relieved. hoping his spirit will find yours and lavi’s.

(do they? who knows. no more hamato exist in that timeline to find out.)

#ask tag #symphony tag #symphony meta

[gortashs-skidmark]

Little E.G. Drabble

Premise: You’re his betrothed, his loved- his lover, and he can be a dick about it sometimes.

18+ MNDI NSFW

CONTENT WARNING: Manipulation, lack of efficient communication, NSFW

𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅

To the public, you were Gortash’s Side Piece, his Partner. But when you’re alone, he is your Enver and you are his beloved.

At his public events, you were draped in elegant fabrics. You sat to the right of the back pews, or stood to the back left of him, or at the side of the supper table. Softened features and an elegant stature, you exuded. In reality you were your own person, quite and obedient but not lacking in character by any means.

You painted yourself up when you had to. You loved to do so, it was a special occasion to make yourself pretty. And on the days you didn’t, Enver sent you to Figaro on a whim.

But Enver knew you better, a secret he cherished from the world. You loved to let your hair get frizzy and wild. you would wear mascara to bed. You got up to piss in the night endlessly, and you’d meet his gaze while he read in bed next to you. You’d get shy and turn red. He didn’t sleep often. And you slept in a lot.

You would stutter over your words and go silent, in shock over your stupid fumble. He’d smile with a little bit of teeth when that would happen. You weren’t akin to magic because you lacked concentration. Easily distracted and inconsistent. You got better, he would implement mediation into your schedule.

If anyone knew you, it was Enver. The in’s and out’s and the deepest colors of your soul. He used it against you, and he would apologize but it didn’t change the next time it happened.

He’s a vain, selfish piece of shit, and you want to look past it so you let him repeatedly run you over, thinking maybe that this time, talking to him about the problem would work. But he just swears it won’t happen again and undermines his promises.

You didn’t speak to people when you were out in public with him. Your tongue tripped over itself often and you were deeply afraid of looking stupid. You had a guard or two blocking anyone from reaching your presence to ask you questions. Enver appreciated this insecurity of yours. You might look crazy if you ever lashed out, being quiet and shy and a beauty to the public. He has you pinned under his thumb at all times out of Wyrm’s Rock.

𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕

NSFW below

What he lacks in length, he makes up in girth. Slightly curved, throbbing red thick dick.

He gives me the energy that he would have an erectile dysfunction. Deeply unhappy with himself about it. He would hide it and plan your intimate time accordingly. You wouldn’t always be looking when he would take pill-form herbs for his problem.

Eventually, after awhile of being together, he’d confess. Maybe you’d caught him a few times taking pills but you’d only ask if he was feeling well or needed to stop for the night. You didn’t think beyond a simple tummy ache he might have, as he was prone to those.

It happened because you had told him something very embarrassing about yourself and he had prodded it out of you, you had a few tears to shed about it. He confessed to make it equal, an embarrassing story for an embarrassing condition. He wanted to stop your sniffles he had unapologetically caused.

After he told you, you tried to tell him it wasn’t embarrassing and that you appreciated the honesty in that moment. It wasn’t his fault, yadda yadda, you still think he fucks like a god. But performance was everything to Enver. He still had his self-doubts.

He gives vibes like come warm my cock while I read over these letters and respond to them. Come suck me under the table in my leather apron after I tweak this invention. Let me push you against the wall of this hallway when no one’s around and kiss you deeply.

He’s a tease. More passing and lingering kisses than usual. A little more tongue, and a little deeper for just short kisses and pecks. Sometimes there were more surprise kisses, where your teeth would clack together, and you’d smile into it. Those kisses were his favorite.

It’s a love that has passed its honeymoon phase quickly, and you coordinate accordingly with him. You don’t have to tip toe around him, you respect his schedule and his frantic mannerisms. And after a long busy week, he’s just happy to go home to someone and lay his stress to rest. With fucking, or cuddling skin to skin. A simple service like cutting up fruit for him, laying out his pajamas, or helping him bathe and shave before bed, because he doesn’t do it in the morning. He will be awake and ready to work at the ass crack of dawn with his insomnia.

His breath always kinda has that smell, like he hadn’t eaten. Or he’s only had coffee that day. His clothes are always clean, his cologne is always sweet like rosewood. His skin is rough and dry, covered in a coat of dark hair. You could coerce him into letting you massage him (put some fucking lotion onto his lizard skin) and wash his face. You’d ask for a stack of blini/crepes with jam and butter, and share a plate with him. These were the small forms of intimacy that softened his looks and let his smile reach his eyes.

He definitely loves to admire, top, bottom, in between. His favorite is to press your body down into the silky sheets and have your legs on his shoulders. It felt a bit awkward to you but he loved feeling your skin sweat this way.

Enver doesn’t pound into you, he takes his time. He watches your face very very closely as he tests the water on your body every single time. Eventually he picks up the pace, comfortably. He wants to climax with you, he can acknowledge it's better than ravaging you for himself.

Sex with him is almost the same every time. If he’s stressed, it’s slower and softer, you’re able to take the lead for him. If you had fought before, he takes the lead- aggressively. He’s very sweet after, physically love-bombing your body after he unabashedly bites and bleeds it.

His lips are as plush as they look. You love kissing him every so lightly and ever so softly to capture how they feel. Unaware, he goes in deeper and you pull away. Trying to re-memorize that softness you’re after. He thinks you’re quite a tease this way.

He adored you, you’re his trophy. A gorgeous glimmering perfect trophy. Everything he needs, you’re quiet naturally and have no need to be trained down to a level he can control. You willingly bring yourself to be everything he wants. The partnership looks sicker in his head than yours.

𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕𐌀𐌔𐋅𐌄𐌍ᕓ𐌄𐌓ᏵꝊ𐌓𐌕

Thank you for reading!! :) there's more to come, and I have some more on my masterlist!

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #enver gortash #bg3 fanfiction #bg3 act 3 spoilers #bg3 tav #bg3 headcanons #enver gortash x reader #tav x gortash #gortash x tav #gortash x reader

[mueritos]

its crazy how coming into clinical social work, i really just thought I was up against systems and cycles of trauma....but it turns out i'm up against those two things AND other therapists. the amount of work spent correcting mistakes from other clinicians--whether with clients or during the classroom--is fucking crazy.

i totally get we're all on different journeys in terms of being clinicians. but it is insane finding out day after day of therapists and clinicians saying the worst things ever to clients. demeaning them, telling them "it's all in their head", the racism and the ableism and harm that is caused. like no fucking wonder people are afraid to seek therapy (on top of the accessibility issues). while i'm a little biased and think that at the very least clinical social work training focuses on viewing people within their environments (so not engaging in the medical/individualist models of practice that a lot of counseling programs focus on), that doesn't mean it gives every person the skills to be an effective therapist. i'm also not saying i'm the best clinician ever--I'm literally in training--but boy! it is jarring seeing how some of my peers interact in class and wondering...is that how you are with your clients??

my social work program at the very least also has a focus on anti-racism, but i know students from other programs and some of them don't even mention racism AT ALL and focus entirely on diagnosing people "correctly", or finding the perfect form of therapy to use on a client. but man, what none of these programs teach are basic life skills. wanting to be a clinician isn't enough, especially considering that an inhumane amount of people in my program are 1. so nervous about making mistakes that they lose scope of their practice 2. have so much internalized racism/white guilt to work thru 3. or they have absolutely no listening skills.

again, im not trying to make it seem like I am the number 1 clinician in the world ever. I don't even have a psych background or bachelor's in social work. my reasons for going into social work are quite selfish (I want a job that is very flexible, easily transferable, and can be done in different contexts), and the helping people part is just a plus. i'm just saying it's very jarring seeing other people in training and realizing they too are working with clients. i have conversation after conversation about these issues with other BIPOC/queer/marginalized clinicians, so I know i'm not the only person worried about some of the people that will be out of this program in a few years practicing on their own or with vulnerable populations.

#muerto talks #just rambling #maybe im just a hater virgo with a strong sense of justice #i am just forever perplexed #learning that some of my classmates believe that you can be racist to white people is crazy #learning that some of my classmates are rude and dismissive to BIPOC students but they work in BIPOC communities #learning that some of my classmates weaponize their mental illnesses as an excuse to act shitty to professors classmates or clients is craz #there are zionists??? trying to be social workers?????? #i literally have classes with zionists #some people r doing a whole ass career change because they had a spiritual calling to help people?? #again not saying im such a great clinician im in training just like the rest of my program #but you cannot like tell me to even try to be hopeful about some of the people who will be my collegues in a year #because i have no hope for them #and its going to take making serious mistakes for them to maybe snap out of it #and that fucking sucks #nothing in my body feels safe around those people #like idc maybe im an elitist with impossible standards #maybe im the one asking too much from these people..... #the cognitive dissonance is real in these people man

[lucyvaleheart]

i need to be chained down

i need to struggle against my bonds, need to cry need to scream, need to feel so utterly helpless and vulnerable

i need it to hurt. I need my ass to be smacked so red that it it brings real tears to my eyes before we're even halfway through. i need the wood of the paddle to SNAP and splinter as it breaks against my body.

i need to be told the most disgusting, cruel, awful things about myself; i need to be degraded and made to feel so small and pathetic and worthless and stupid and i need to be crying on the floor, utterly limp in my bonds from it.

i want to be marked. i want to feel teeth, i want to feel claws, i want my skin to break from the force of them i want to feel the blade against me i want to feel the fear in my whole being as it goes further and further and further

i need to be owned, to be claimed, to be branded with a hot iron, to be caged up and collared. need that collar to shock me, need someone to own me, need someone to hold my remote and press the button until i can't breathe until im choking with sobs and crying on the floor for a second time

when i say i need to be broken

i need to be broken.

#original #.......i'm in a mood #a very very very desperate mood #a very masochist mood #i just. god i want to be utterly eviscerated right now #want to just be taken advantage of so badly #want to hurt. #want to REALLY hurt. #want to really realy really really hurt. #sigh #one day ill find someone willing to do this kinda shit to me #in the meantime ill just keep working on communication and stuff so that when i inevitavbly find them scared to indulge themselves #i can reassure them and make them feel safe and loved before and after #aftercare after this kind of a scene would be life-savingly vital for both sides #so much cuddling and loving and reassurance and care #fucking breaks my heart when i hear a domme doesn't get that especially a sadist #anyway #cmere and ill show you how to break me. if this appeals to you say hi. please. i promise i will be so wonderful for you. i promise #i will help and i will lvoe and care for you even after you break me like this

[redysetdare]

every time i see a post that is like "ughh why cant we have aspec characters who aren't aroace for once" I have to do a double take like "is the aroace rep in the room with us right now?" because genuinely....where is all this aroace rep y'all are complaining about? Why cant i find it yet it's apparently the only aspec rep we get?? You admit that TV never says the word aromantic so where is the aroace rep. So far I've pretty much only seen canonically asexual characters and not much else buddy.

#text #half the time i think these ppl see other aspec ppl saying that x character feels aroace and then they take it as canon rep #instead of an interpretation of the character which likely was never meant to be written as aspec at all #because majority of people don't even know what that is #this isn't me saying that we shouldn't have aroallo or alloace rep btw #this is me complaining about people throwing aroace ppl under the bus because apparently we are 'hogging' all the representation in media #and it just reads as people being aphobic towards aroace people specifically and it drives me insane #you can ask for more aroallo and alloace characters without complaining and shitting on aroace characters???? #like bro we are all on the same fucking team. we are all trying to get seen and understood. we all want to see ourselves in media #stop fighting like one of us is somehow way more privileged than the other because 'you have x rep' #we all have crumbs my guy. just because someone else is getting crumbs doesn't mean that its your crumbs being taken. #idk i see so many posts like this and it makes me feel so unwelcome in the aro and ace communities #im tired of aroace people being used as a scapegoat that you can target to pretend like you're punching up #when in reality you're just committing friendly fire against people who are on your team #i miss when the aro and ace communities used to like... work together as a big aspec community #now ppl r way too focused on separating them and acting like they have nothing in common and don't have the same goals #and both communities now tend to put a lot of blame onto aroace people because of stereotypes we never had control over in the first place #it's exhausting #like the aphobia is coming from inside the house #i didn't go through the ace discourse on tumblr to deal with this shit.

[inkykeiji]

>.<

#tw clari overshares #i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active #but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me #just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning #i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating #i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again #but i’m so so so scared #(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!) #bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!! #what happened to her!!!!! #she got really sick i guess #it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it #i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more #feeding into the fear and letting it win #and now i’m here #in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel #i miss being a part of this community so much #i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect #NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have #i miss having fun #YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity #but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble??? #the only person who can fix this is me #(obviously hahaha) #it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on #i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life #why did i let it take something so fucking important to me??? #i have to end it!!! #if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting #i just feel like i NEED to say this

[palms-upturned]

.

#meg talks #i forgot how much group projects make me want to become the joker #joined a strategic research group and 1) my research partner has done nothing and basically never says anything to me #2) the check in meetings w the other group members are always when i have work and nobody shares notes/takeaways #or like offers more than one check in time to accommodate scheduling #3) nobody has fucking LOOKED AT MY RESEARCHHHHH #horse staring out at the ocean.jpeg #someday i will actually get involved w organizers who know what they’re doing. someday. #ok that’s mean i think it’s important to do SOMETHING even if u don’t rlly know what ur doing or else how would you learn #i mean that’s exactly what im doing! i don’t know shit abt fuck and i joined this group to learn new practical skills #so it’s not their fault and im no better #but also jdsgsjdncj when it comes to the basics of like. actually organizing the resources we are currently gathering. #i feel like ‘’make sure you actually are communicating with everyone and looking at the research’’ is basic enough #that im allowed to be frustrated abt it #TALK TO MEEEEEEEE FUCKING HOLD A MEETING I CAN PARTICIPATE INNNNNNNN #ok im done. fkxhgzjxnc

[hungerpunch]

fun fact 12 step programs were developed by two white christian men in 1930s america

#clenching my jAW #it's so hard bc it merits a much more nuanced discussion than tumblr writ large will ever go for #12 steps work for a lot of people! #but they also don't work for a lot of people! #they were developed through a very particular lens! and a lot of it is about breaking down one's own ego #guess who doesn't have the ego of white american men in the 1930s? hmm...... #nvm the religious foundation.. you can tell me that 'god' can be anything all you want but it does not erase the moral bent of the program #and then every other variation of 12 steps just copy/pastes the same fucking structure #i think they're good in the sense that it can help you find community right #and i'm not going to devalue the importance of feeling like you're not alone #but that's about theeee only thing i got out of naranon #i thought adult children of might be different but no it feels exactly the same #and it's honestly extremely triggering to read 'you have a victim mindset' when i've spent over a year's work with my therapist to finally #acknowledge myself as a victim for the first time! #fuck offfffff. okay rant over. #driveby post #addiction

[n0phis]

Gay.

gonna use this ask i didn’t initially dignify with a response to say that not replying to the ask game anons is killing me oh my god. overarching post to everyone who sent one holy shit those are some of the coolest things ive ever heard. really really really incredibly immeasurably happy that i can help inspire some of u, AND that ive met so many cool ppl in the community :] u guys slap

#tham talks #but no really those all are so meaningful? #idk if its just coming out of a rut of ‘it wouldn’t really matter if i stopped posting’ because idk. brain chemistry #and i tend to base my value off of what i can bring to the table so if i feel like my presence in a community isnt like. #actively helping at least *someone* #then it doesnt really feel fair to continue? #idk if thats a good outlook or not- and its not based on numbers #just on like. net effect on the world. unfortunately the discord has NOT been helping with that lately ill be real #but no i do need that kinda bitchslap moment of no! you doing this makes at least one person happy #and THEY deserve the effort your putting in #and that in turn helps me get off my ass or out of whatever rut im in and start creating again #which makes me happy #so its worked out so far! #idk what the fuck im saying and this feels WAY too personal but i dont want to delete or reread it so #anyways. thanks for helping with the weirdest cycle of inspo imaginable LMAO

[johndonneswife]

someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck

#who is talking about this!!!! let me know #idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which #i was anticipating #and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before #but liiiiiike. #i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them #it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there #just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse #like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no #anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite #and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up #people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out #and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point #or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible #but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding #at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends #which i am so grateful for obviously #i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol #AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad #just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t #i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it #i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this #which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao #probably for the best #ugh whatever #again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know #meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone #AAAAAAAA i just want to scream #text

[mercymaker]

chilling vibing getting stuff done and then suddenly getting hit by 'why do you try so hard to make something new and good and bend yourself backwards pushing for quality when that stuff is mostly discouraged and low effort quantity-over-quality stuff is constantly rewarded'

#life #was on a high after writing quite a bit today #but now feel like a deflating balloon lmao #like yeah nah yeah i've worked with social media enough to know that you have to play 'their' game in order to 'succeed' #but that whole premise is so soulless and yet #it's the shit paradox that most often the less time and effort you put into something the more likely it will do good online #but with constantly diminishing returns it can get pretty tough #like the pattern is there it's all in motion #and it's just gonna get worse and worse and worse #people barely reblog anymore barely comment #i started posting my writing because i thought 'well at least one person might like it!' #like... i cannot NOT write it's just who i am #but even with the folders full of personal writing and whatnot at some point i stopped #because writing is just incredibly lonely and it was starting to make me feel worse about it so i stopped #but yeah nah fam #i'm just fully in the period shits and getting emotional #but the ongoing decline of engagement and communication is just sad to see #like even artists around me who are incredibly talented i see them barely get any notes and if they do it's pretty much all likes #shit's depressing fam #and then on top of that we have people stealing shit from us #like that fucking guy who copied every bg3 creator's ideas and then started playing victim when called out #what was up with that lmao

[confetti-critter]

The night is young and I am free to do whatever my heart desires but unfortunately I have once again found myself trapped in the Time Prison and so I

#the good old 'I don't feel like doing anything including doing nothing and I want to go to bed but I know I'm not tired' #WEH. #I'm enjoying typing but I don't want to commit to practicing typing for real so I'm just making excuses to type more #I was looking at custom ESC keycaps because I was thinking about that whole community of ppl obsessed with keyboards and like I get it I #like the clicky clacking and keyboards can look so pretty but some of those key caps man wtf. #why would you want 3D transparent donald duck ESC key from temu what is wrong with you #saw a set of key caps that were little kittys with little kitty ears n I was like fuuuuuuuuuck #49.00 USD probably 100000 CAD+shipping goto helllll #I was thinking about what if I had like confetti keycaps and a custom kittycake esc key or like an actual little cake and matching desk mat #or even just a new cute mousepad cuz mine is old as fuck and I spilled vegetable cream stew on it once #and then I was thinking like sighhh and wouldn't it be cool to have arcade carpet on the stairs leading down to my basement hovel and #rainbow lights along the ceiling corners and what if I painting my bedroom like I wanted to do and sighhhhh #I haven't been wasting my money buying shit like that but I'm thinking about it again. #but the same thing stopping me from doing anything at all is stopping me from wasting my money which like that's good I guess??????? #gosh I really like typing why did I stop doing daily typing practice #oh yea The Thing Stopping Me From Doing Anything At All #meow meowm meow meow meow #ok I really gotta tear myself away from my computer and brush my teethses and try going to bed #I already played minecraft earlier it's fine I didn't do NOTHING tonight it just feels like I did #and tomorrow is another day #and next week is a short work week thank fucking christ almighty #literally cuz its easter sunday and he was in that tomb but he escaped or whatever he did #thanks jeezy boy #you maybe shoulda milked it for like half a week at least #moved the big ass boulder like have an inch at a time #*pause for laughter* #that s from my new stand up comedy routine do uiuop like it djfskll;askjdgflksjdflksajdflksjdf the dsjalkjfolidasfgjoiweljsdalkjflskdjflak #meowww #I am the only one I know on here who 'talks' this fucking much about absolutely nothing #I do all this and my poor followers can click read more and spend time reading alllllll this garbage

[bunnyb34r]

I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse

#marquilla #im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's #gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a #dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you #incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and #theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future #and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to #be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS #so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff #bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then?? #like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist #s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with #the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit #like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and #that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man #i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully #but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL #affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow?? #idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.

[anothermouse]

I find it weird how ppl will say for reasons that systems are fake is that multiple alters talk similar or have similar interests. Have u ever met siblings. They talk similar and have similar interests because they've spent years together ya dork, as systems start to get along more they're gonna start sharing more interests and speech patterns just like you with people you spend a lot of time with lol. Also they all share a life, they have to be able to act like each other to get by and seem "normal."

#this isnt directed ive just noticed that me and willow steal each others interests a lot and its making me think abt all the ppl ive seen #using that reasoning in fake claiming. me and her dont really talk similar but i can imagine that happening with systems who #talk to each other or mask as each other more. #idk. its to our best interest to share skills and interests. if only one person likes/knows writing then we have a problem when we need to #write and they're not present. if only one person likes/knows guitar we're in big trouble in guitar class if they're not present. #and we NEED to get along to operate so its good for us to have things to bond over! we used to argue a lot and it was fucking annoying and #made life hard. i couldnt take care of the body and willow was depressed and it made the brain miserable and it sucked #so the more we can get along the better and i think having things in common is good for that! #like i said we dont really talk the same and for us that works just fine but for some systems that could create communication barriers. #idk. i just think ppl should think a little more about why alters might become similar over time. me and my cohost r literally like family #system #osdd #did #multiple #plural #edit: actually maybe i do pick up speech from her. she says 'my friend' a lot and sometimes im tempted to say it cus its nice #but i feel like it sounds weirder coming from me 😅 #OH AND LOVELY. she uses the word lovely so much ive just picked it up. its such a good adjective #idk why usually you expect the host to be the one whos language people copy but i feel like i pick up things from willow more than she does #from me.

[cervinelich]

"Everyone always leaves/abandons/rejects me =C" is such a huge red flag for me. Saw someone saying this on social media the other day and knee-jerk instinct was "blockblockblock"

#like I understand it can feel like you are constantly being abandoned or rejected especially if you have rejection sensitivity #but in my personal experience this often comes from assuming the worst of the people around you due to anxiety #and often translates into not communicating your needs and wants to friends and assuming they should behave a certain way intuitively #and this has been used MANY times to accuse me of being a shitty person for not... knowing exactly how someone wants to be treated #and then being accused fucking constantly of not caring enough because I didn't know??? what someone wanted??? #I also was kept on the hook with SEVERAL different people saying “everyone always abandons me =C” #to put me in a position of never settings boundaries with them bc then they would have an extreme fear reaction I was “leaving them” #and I'm talking about like if I tried to tell one of them to please not call me at 1AM every night when I had work the next day #I tried to ask one of my friends if we could spend *slightly* less time together bc we were attached at the hip and he had a MELTDOWN #asked one ex if I could go hang out with friends without her and she called me sobbing in the middle of the hangout to get me to come home #idk maybe this is just a particular trigger for me afjvbsdklfj LMAO but if someone says “everyone abandons me” #I am immediately suspicious that they are expecting too much of their friendships and not communicating and allowing boundaries #LONG RANT SORRY