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fairycosmos · 7 years

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looking back on the way i was treated as a kid i get really sad. between the religious repression from my family and the bullying at school i started to hate myself in every way i could i think. when it wasn't that it was loneliness. i used to make myself feel better by fantasizing about how id be when i got older, but i am older now, and im more disappointed than ever. i feel for that little girl and i feel like everything around me is so desolate and empty. i feel hollowed

:( god, i’m really sorry to hear that. it hurt my heart to read a little. even though your past is over, even though you can allow yourself to move on from it, it’s still going to have an impact on most aspects of your present life. you’ll keep thinking about it until you feel at peace with it. because yeah, you can’t change anything that’s happened but you can face up to it, you can talk about it. i genuinely think the best course of action for you would be to talk to a therapist or a counselor about this if you haven’t already. i know you probably don’t want to, and i know it sounds like a waste of time but it’s not. just consider it. make your mental health a priority, okay? because honestly it sounds like a lot of what has happened to you was beyond your control - you were a child. you aren’t to blame for anything, even if your mind insists that you are. all of the shit that you’ve been through is bound to take its toll on your self esteem, your confidence, your general mood. nobody gets out of life unscathed and all of those years of pain won’t just disappear overnight, but i promise it’s not going to feel as bad as it does right now forever. this doesn’t have to be permanent, you know? so it’s okay to reach out and to ask for help, it’s okay to talk about it and be pissed off and sad and scared. just let it out, and don’t hold back for anything or anyone. look, i know exactly how you feel when you say that you feel disappointed by life as an older person but you have to realize that you’re still young even though you’re not a child anymore - you haven’t grown into the person that you’re REALLY going to be yet, because it takes time and maturity and experience. give yourself a fair chance, allow life to take its course. not every single thought you have about yourself or your past is true, sometimes it’s just your mind trying to trick you into feeling bad :/ it really sounds like you haven’t been treated the way you should have been treated at all, and i need you to understand on a really deep level that you didn’t do anything to warrant such a lonely childhood. it wasn’t down to you, you’re not a bad person. you are genuinely SO much more than what you’ve been through, please believe me. your past is something that is never going to change no matter how much you want it to, but it is also something that you can come to terms with. maybe you couldn’t save yourself back then but the little girl is still inside of you, and you can help her by helping yourself. obviously, it’s a lot easier said than done. talking to someone can be weird and nerve wracking at first - but it’s a lot easier than just letting yourself drown. please, please find it in you to pull yourself back from the brink. you’re so much stronger than you think you are. the fact that you managed to get through all of that, the fact that you’re still waking up each morning and trying is absolutely monumental, and i’m so fkn proud of you for it. i’m really rooting for you. i’m going to leave some links, feel free to check them out if you think they’d help but i rly do recommend talking to yr doctor or a counselor about this if that’s an option. i can’t even put into words how much it’ll help, how much it’ll enable you to move forward. the future is still wide open and there’s so much happiness and love waiting out there for you, i know it. you are going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. i’m always here if you need someone to talk to, just message me. you’re not alone.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/22/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/07/benefits-of-therapy-and-life-coaches_n_5635389.html

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/dealing-anxiety-whats-unhappy-childhood

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/love-relationships-blog/connect-others-feel-less-alone-world/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201701/understanding-emotions-and-how-process-them

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201505/8-reasons-its-so-hard-overcome-tough-childhood

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jiminnieblues-blog · 7 years

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get to know me tag(s)

yoo so recently i’d been tagged to do three get to know me tags, and i dont want to make three separate posts for each so im gonna combine all of them in this one post which is under a cut bc……….its really long LOL anyways i was tagged by @lovhobe, @elementaljimin, and @protectkimtaehyung thank you so much guys!!!!!!!!!!! <333 im glad i got to know yall better asdfgh

im tagging @jiminslipgloss, @jxxminmols, @kismet-soo, @baeklipse, @sonyeondn, @neckatie, @kihyunswife and @bulletproofbookworm you guys are welcome to do however many of these you want lol i just didnt wanna tag people separately for each tag

i was tagged by @lovhobe to do the 20 questions one tysm!! instructions: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 amazing followers you would like to get to know better. (lol yall already know i aint tagging 20 people)

name - zara

nickname - um a few of my friends like to call me zar-zar and i get called zaro by my family a lot

zodiac sign - cancer

height - 5′ 3″

orientation - straight

ethnicity - pakistani

favorite fruit - pineapple i think

favorite season - fall

favorite book series - idk um i’ll be that person and say harry potter lol i cant rlly think of a good series rn but my fave book is the kite runner

favorite flower - i dont rlly know a lot of flowers but i like roses and the vibrant colors that orchids can have

favorite scent - fresh laundry

favorite color - purple

favorite animal - zebras?

coffee, tea, or hot cocoa - hot cocoa

average hours of sleep - five

cat or dog person - i like both but i think i like cats a little more

favorite fictional character(s) - this is hard bc i used to be in a lot of fandoms asdfghjkl draco, red & gold, percy, bakugou, link and i have more from all the drama i watch but the list will be to long lmao !!!

number of blankets you sleep with - three

dream trip - idrk?? somewhere out of the country i guess i dont leave the us unless im going to pakistan lol

blog created - i had to check my archive lmao but i made this blog in oct of 2015

number of followers - :^)

NEXT i was tagged by @eternaljimin for the get to know me tag tysm !! there werent any instructions just.........answer the questions lol.

a - age - fourteen lmao.........................

b - biggest fear - tight spaces

c - current time - 10:35 pm

d - drink you had last - water

e - everyday starts with - getting out of bed??

f - favorite song - im saying this just bc it just came out but RUMOR BY KARD IS A BOP WATCH IT AND SUPPORT THESE LEGENDS

g - ghosts are real? - idk my dude

h - hometown/country - us

i - in love with - jimin?

j - jealous of - i was just watching sbs kpop star and there are these two kids who are eleven yrs old and are so talented i wish i was talented you feel

k - killed someone - why would someone even ask this akshf ofc not

l - last time you cried - i think i cried today lmfao

m - music you last listened to - RUMOR BY KARD

n - newest thing you bought for yourself - i think the last thing i spent my money on was cheez its from the vending machine @ school ajksf

o - one wish - i wish my life went smoothly and that i wasnt mentally ill?? lmao

p - person you last messaged - @jiminslipgloss :)

q - questions you get asked often - since i wear the hijab i get a lot of questions abt that i also get questions on my rbf like ‘why do you look so depressed all the time’ asfkjkj

r - recommended (movie? series? book?) - i just remembered that i read this book called this blinding absence of light and it was rlly good a little explicit but it was a damn good book i rlly wanna re read it

s - song you last sang - i dont rmbr but it was probs a track from hamilton lol

t - thanks, last person you said thanks to - the waiter that gave me food @ a restaurant i went today

u - underwear youre wearing - not sure what this is asking but im wearing a purple one rn???

v - vacation, your dream vacation - i dont rlly have one lol

w - worst habit - idk if this counts but i lose my temper a lot? is that a habit? if not i tend to space out/get distracted a lot esp in class

x - x rays youve had - my teeth, my ankle, a few of my fingers

y - your favorite food - rice !

z - zodiac sign - cancer

for the third one i was tagged by @protectkimtaehyung for the seventy questions tag tysm!!!!!!

do you have a good relationship with your parents? yeah

who did you last say i love you to? um listen im rlly not tryna be edgy but i seriously dont rmbr the last time i said ily irl

do you regret anything? i regret a lot of things lol

are you insecure? unfortunately

whats your relationship status? single

how do you want to die? asdfghjkl um a painless death i think

what did you last eat? rice

played any sports? i used to play tennis and swim but now i do kung fu

do you bite your nails? no

when was your last physical fight? i kind of have......to fight in kung fu so like when i last had class lol

do you like someone? no

have you ever stayed up forty-eight hours? yeah

do you hate anyone atm? i tend to hate a lot of ppl lmao?

do you miss someone? uhm i dont think so

have any pets? no :// i used to have parakeets but i gave them away and i just recently found out that they passed away :(((

how exactly are you feeling right now? i was kinda happy but since its sunday night im starting to feel shitty bc i dont want to go back to school tmrw afjh and im rlly tired

ever made out in the bathroom? no

are you scared of spiders? yeah lol

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? this is an interesting question bc it depends like if i were given just one chance then mayyyybe id go back and change smth i did that was stupid but if were given the chance to go whenever i want then probably not bc thats way too much pressure/commitment to have a power like that sdhfa

where was the last place you snogged someone? i havent snogged anyone lmfao

what are your plans for this weekend? sleep

do you want to have kids? how many? i dont want to have kids bc childbirth doesnt seem appealing to me but idk i might change my mind when im older/more mature

do you have piercing? how many? one on both ears

what is/are/were your best subjects? the only classes i have solid as in are art, lit, and w4p lol math and science are def not my thing

do you miss anyone for your past? from my past, yes

what are you craving right now? sleep

have you ever broken someones heart? in first grade some kid liked me and i embarrassed him in front of his friends to get him to stop liking me so yeah i was wildin in first grade

have you ever been cheated on? no

have you ever made a significant other cry? no

whats irritating you right now? my tiredness?

does somebody love you? oh geez i hope lmao

what is your favorite color? purple

do you have trust issues? yeah

who/what was your last dream about? um i dont think i remember v clearly

who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom

do you give second chances out easily? i dont think ive been in a situation where ive had to but i probably wouldnt

is it easier to forgive or forget? wow um can i say neither lol

is this year the best year of your life? definitely not

how old were you when you had your first kiss? havent had one

have you ever walked out naked? no

favorite food? rice

do you believe everything happens for a reason? hmmm probably idk man i dont think too hard lol

what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? scrolling through this hell website

is cheating ever okay? no

are you mean? i probably dont come off as mean online but im not gonna lie i def get mean irl

how many people have you fist fought? i dont think ive been in a situation where i had to punch someone?

do you believe in true love? ive never experienced romantic love so i wouldnt be able to say but probably aajkf ive read/watched too much and analyzed too many relationships for me to say love is real but...........love isnt real yall

favorite weather? when the sun is covered by clouds and its a little chilly

do you like the snow? ive only encountered snow like twice so idk but i feel like i wouldnt like it very much lol

do you want to get married? idk man

is it cute when someone calls you baby? pet names arent rlly my thing lol

what makes you happy? sleep...........im rlly tired rn

would you change your name? no

would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? this is an interestingly phrased question lol. well i dont rmbr the last person i kissed so idk

your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? wow that would be rlly sad LMAO but id turn him down and tell him to get better standards wtf

do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? well they wouldnt be considered my friend if i couldnt act like myself around them so yes

who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? i just texted my friend so we can play video games aslfkh

whos the last person you had a deep conversation with? literally the same dude from the last question lol

do you believe in soulmates? um no i dont think so?

id there anyone you would die for? my family/friends

thanks everyone again for tagging me !! <33

#mine #txt #WOW THIS TOOK A LONG TIME !!!!!!!!#also thank you guys so much !!!!!!!#i love you all <333 #@ my mutuals i tagged pls dont be pressured to do this lmao #idk i thought it was fun #tagged #EDIT: IM RLLY ANGRY BC I JUST REALIZED THE PPL I TAGGED DIDNT GET THE UNDERLINE THINGY SO YALL DIDNT GET THE NOTIF THAT I TAGGED YOU !!!!!!!#if ur seeing this now i made this a few days ago sorry lmao

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skiasurveys · 6 years

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1. When did you both get together? we started to flirt/hang out around april 2016, we officially started dating in may 2016 though.

2. Who made the first move? he did

3. How long have you been a couple? its been 2 years and 2 months

4. How did you first meet? online dating app

5. Were you already close friends before going out as a couple? not rly, we tried to date before and that lasted for a week..didnt talk for a while. when we got back into contact around end of the march of 2016 we kinda were “friends” but not rly.

6. Are you/Were you ever in the same class at school? no

7. Are you long-distance? nope

8. Are you in an open, regular or committed relationship? committed

9. Do you live together? we did for a bit. not anymore. were planning on finding our own place soon though now that we both have jobs

10. Are you engaged? If yes, describe your proposal. If no, what ring would you like? yeah we got engaged in feb. basically connor wanted this TV he found on kijiji and we went to go get it. it was in a town that was 40 mins away, anyways on the way back we pulls over on the side of the road and im like wtf and then he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. it took me by surprised, bc i wasnt expecting it obvs and i didnt think he would ever ask me tbh bc he said he didnt like the idea of marriage.

11. Are you married? If yes, describe your wedding. If no, would you consider marriage? ^ yeah

12. Which one of you is older? What is the age difference? he is by 6.5 yrs

13. Which one of you is taller? What is the height difference? he is by a foot

14. Do you share any of the same hobbies/interests/passions? yeah we like the same movies, tv shows, video games

15. What fictional couples would you compare yourselves to? idk lol

16. Sum up your relationship in 6 words or less. were comfortable and happy

17. Doodle a little picture of you both as a couple. no

18. Describe your relationship using only emoticons. :3

19. Share a cute photo of you both together. check my instagram @ wolfkhid

ATTRACTION

20. Top 5 fav things about your partner. he is funny, handsome, tall, he understands me,hes smart

21. Your partner’s top 5 fav things about you. ask him

22. What physical traits do you find most attractive about your partner? his face and his arms/hands. mmm

23. What physical traits does your partner find most attractive about you? he likes that im small, he likes my body shape (short stacked)

24. What personality traits do you find most attractive about your partner? he is funny, he tells me the truth, hes honest

25. What personality traits does your partner find most attractive about you? he likes that im caring and that im funny

26. Do you hold hands in public? Any other public displays of affection? we do sometimes. he doesnt like pda too much. he’ll smack my ass tho lol

27. List your top 3 turn-ons about your partner. he is tall, his domiance, and hes funny

28. List your partner’s top 3 turn-ons about you. im small, my ass and im submissive

29. How would you seduce your partner? How would they seduce you? food obviously.

30. Innocently or not, where do you like your partner to touch you? my thighs or sides

31. Describe your partner’s eyes. Amber brown and round. theyre really nice. im not poetic 32. Describe your partner’s hair. dark brown, short and messy lol

33. Describe your partner’s smile. happiness

34. What is your partner’s voice like? deep and nice

35. What is your partner’s scent like? idk how to explain it

36. How does your partner impress you? How do you impress them? harfcore eating skills

37. What outfit would you like to see your partner in? What would they like to see you wear? he likes me in short skirts and thigh high socks. i honestly dont care what he wears as long as its nice. he looks good in skinnyish jeans

38. Show your fav picture of your partner that they’ve posted online. not sure if he would be okay with that LOL

ROMANCE 39. Do you have cute pet names for each other? yeah

40. What’s one of your favourite memories as a couple? theres so many

41. Describe your favourite date so far? when we played super smash bros at the college

42. What’s the sweetest thing that your partner’s ever done for you? paid off my credit card bill. made me a really nice salad, etc

43. Do either of you get jealous? i do lol cus im insecure. he doesnt unless he does and i just dont know

44. Is one of you protective of the other? we both are

45. How do you both like to kiss? passionate

46. How do you both like to cuddle? all tangled up

47. What’s a gift that you’ve given to your partner? And one they’ve given to you? i got him some nice cologne and he gave me some money to pay off my card, and also he got me a nice ring

48. Are you an openly mushy couple or a reserved couple? reserved honestly

49. Does one of you like to cook for the other? we both do

50. Do you have unique ringtones/images for each other on your phones? not unique

51. Have you ever had your initials written on a tree or in the sand? haha no

52. What’s “your song”? i cant help falling in love with you

53. Do you own any items that are a special symbol of your relationship? sure

54. What did you both do for Valentine’s Day? he proposed to me :D

55. Do you express your love lavishly or discreetly? both?

56. What’s the funniest thing you can remember your partner doing? theres a lot..lol he pretended to be a snake

57. Does thinking about your partner still give you butterflies? kinda

58. What’s the weirdest part of your relationship? everything hahah

BEING TOGETHER 59. Fav things to do together on a rainy day? playing WoW together, or watching movies, or going to get Thai food!

60. Fav things to do together on a sunny day? Same thing, go for walks maybe bike ride.

61. Got any plans together for next week? not really. hes going biking with his friends and im working lol but ill prob spend the night on Saturday

62. What’s your favourite thing to share together? Food

63. What did you do for your partner’s latest birthday? What did they do for yours? nothing for him, he doesnt like birthday parties so we didnt do anything, but i bought him a present. He gave me some money, and we hung out, except he worked that night so we couldnt do much.

64. Where would you like to go on holiday together? maybe Disneyland

65. You have a whole weekend to yourselves and 500 in cash- what do you do? maybe we go to Banff and have a nice stay there

66. How would you comfort your partner on a bad day? How would they comfort you? I would make him a nice meal maybe or rub his back. I would tell him everything is OK. It depends on whats bothering him. For me he would hold me and watch movies with me and kiss me.

67. Where would you both get takeout together? thai place downtown i forget the name

68. What’s the longest time you’ve been apart? About 1 month and 1 week, he went to Prince George to see his Dad and some family.

69. What things remind you of your partner? What things remind them of you? Pokemon honestly lol and idk honestly. maybe nuggets

70. Has your relationship changed at all since it first started? well yeah! we are more closer, i feel like i can be myself.

71. Have you ever worked on a project together? kinda. not rly.

72. Have you both influenced each other in any way? sure

73. Have either of you made sacrifices for this relationship? yes. Connor literally slept behind a couch for like 7 months because he wanted to stay in RD and didnt want to leave me, and he didnt have a place. (he couldnt stay with me b/c my family is really conservative and we couldnt afford a place together). He honestly is so wonderful. He now has a place

74. Has you discovered anything surprising about your partner? yes.

75. How have you both made a positive impact on each other’s lives? i would hope so.

76. What do you both mutually agree is the most important part of your relationship? honesty, conversation/communication, loyalty.

EVERYDAY LIFE 77. What are the everyday things you both do to show you care about each other? being there for each other, talking, etc.

78. Do you follow each other’s blogs/twitter/instagram? yes but he doesnt have IG or Twitter, but i follow him on other stuff

79. Is there a favourite place that you both frequently go to together? not really.

80. What TV shows do you like to watch together? theres too many to name honestly.

81. How do you relax together? chilling and netflix

82. What sleep positions do you tend to sleep together in? spooning usually, or tangled up. depends on how hot it is though

83. Do you borrow each other’s clothes or other items? not so much clothes but items yes

84. Do you ever share the bathroom together? yeah

85. How do you both keep in touch when you’re away from each other? texting

86. Do you share secrets between each other? yes

87. Do you rotate house chores or do you each have assigned chore duties? well we dont live together but i help him clean his place if he needs help. But if we were to live together we would rotate it.

88. Do you remember how your partner takes their coffee/tea/bar drinks? he doesnt like coffee or tea and doesnt drink so much

89. What does your partner think of your Tumblr? nothing?? i guess?? he doesnt rly care he doesnt check on it

90. What characters do you play as together when playing multiplayer games? we do a lot of rpg games

COMPATABILITY 91. Are you both introverted/extroverted or opposites? hes more intro than me, but im like a mix/

92. Who is the more dominant/submissive one? hes the dom for sure

93. What are some major differences between you both? he is more messy, and chill/care free than me.

94. When are you both “in your element” together? what

95. Who would win in an arm-wrestling contest? him obvs

96. What are each of your zodiac signs and how do they compare? he is a Taurus and im Sagittarius . and idk b/c i dont read up on that shit

97. What are each of your MBTI types and how do they compare? omg idk what his is! im an isfj

98. What are each of your Hogwarts houses and how do they compare? n/a

99. If you were both in a dating sim, what character tropes would each of you be? idk

100. If you were both animals what would you be? Would you be the same animal? he would be a cat, id be a raccoon obvs

101. How does your partner’s wardrobe differ from yours? he is more laid back, just jeans and tshirts, or sweat pants. I wear a lot of nice shirts, skinny jeans/ leggings and buisness casual if i have too

102. Have you ever both said something at the exact same time? yea

103. Rate your relationship on a scale of basic vanilla (1) to extremely kinky (10) um like maybe a 7

104. Mix your fav colour with your partner’s fav colour- what is the result? Magenta

105. If you were both ingredients, what would each of you be and what would be the resulting recipe? (e.g. PB & jelly sandwich) ummm lol idk

106. Which of you would win in a Pokemon battle? Assign yourself and your partner a fitting Pokemon type (e.g. water, grass, poison etc). Are either of you super effective against the other? he obvs cus he knows more about POkemon lol

CONFLICT 107. What happens when you argue with each other? How do you both make up? we stay silent for a bit or we talk it out.

108. What’s something that your partner does that annoys you? How do you annoy them? he doesnt text back all the time -_- and i probably annoy him with my constant questions or reassurance

109. What are some imperfections that you love about your partner? he is a derp

110. What are some imperfections that your partner loves about you?

111. Has your partner ever accidentally hurt you? Have you accidentally hurt them? i have scratched him by accident, and he has bruised me while wrestling lol

112. Is there anything about you that your partner just doesn’t understand? yeah my mental illnes

113. Is there anything about your partner that you just don’t understand? why does every little thing make him mad lol

114. When was the last time you cried about your relationship and why? idk

115. What is something you love that your partner hates? im not sure honestly.

116. What is something you hate that your partner loves? anime

117. When was the last time you had to apologise to your partner and why? when i got mad at him and was being a smart ass

118. Do either of you get too clingy? both of us but me abit more

119. Do you have any insecurities about your relationship? yep.

120. When was a time that your relationship was put to the test? never?

121. What would your partner have to do to make you end the relationship? cheat on me honestly, or just start changing completely.

RELATIONS 122. Does your family approve of your relationship? yes

123. What do your friends think of your relationship? they like him

124. How do you both act together around others as opposed to when you’re alone together? when we are around others we can tease eachother and just be together but when were alone were more open, flirt more, etc

125. How did you first reveal to people that you were going out? told them..and also facebook

126. Do you think you and your partner look similar to each other? lol not really..i mean we both have dark eyes and hair, but i dont think we look anything a like. He has some turkish in him too so theres that lol im just a white bitch

127. How does your partner treat you special compared to everyone else in their life? he opens up to me, tells me his deep secrets, teases me, etc

128. Do you both have a mutual friend group, or only separate friendship groups? both, but his friends dont rly see my friends that much haha

129. What’s a common misconception about your relationship? earlier it was that he was too old for me. idk what ppl think anymore

130. Has your relationship affected any of your relations with others? i dont think so.

131. Has anyone tried to sabotage your relationship? yep

132. Quote something somebody has said about your relationship. “you guys are so cute together!! couple goals”

133. Quote something somebody has said about your partner. “he’s glad your dad is dead” - some cunt LOL

FUTURE 134. What do you hope for the future of your relationship? that we can live in a nice home and be happy lol

135. If you both got married, what would you want your wedding to be like? intimate and small.

136. Can you imagine what your ideal home would look like? something simple.

137. Do you have kids/want to have kids? What would they be like? we both dont want kids.

138. If you could do anything for your partner what would you do? make him happy

139. Do you think you’ll still be together when you’re old and wrinkly? i hope so, i believe so

140. Got any relationship advice? just the basic , dont be with someone all b/c youre lonely.

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b--zus-blog · 6 years

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MERCURY MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON MY SIDE PART 3 CONT.

Welcome back for Part 3 continuing. I mentioned that this will be the most emotional part for me, since I am going to bang out 2 instances, where parts of my soul were being murdered brutally. Please know that I am writing this by the pool side, so at least if I cry, I can hop in a jacuzzi right afterwards. I have tucked away this person who I was, she’s folded up nicely in a dark corner of my brain where I can let her rest for a bit. Who I am now is taking over.

I left off with my aunt Tulip getting me from the precinct. To rewind a little bit, I was still waiting for her, and when I got my phone back I still had a little juice to update my friends in the group chat. SweetNest, told me she contacted Lucifer, and I saw their conversation on messenger. SweetNest asked him if he had heard from me, and he responded so fucking nasty to her. “Sorry everyone from her side is going to get shit from me . . . we are going to put a restraining order on her. . . she kicked down the door and maced our roommate now she is in the hospital. . . idk I am going to check on b . . . my lawyer advises me not to talk to her party . . .”

SweetNest responds “ I don’t think Beez would use mace for no reason (she repeated this 3 times) . . . Can I get your lawyers information? “ (yeah douche bag we know you’re lying and most likely did not talk to a fucking lawyer.) - - - Reading the text messages - I wish I had the screen shots, but then again I glad I don’t, because reading what he was saying felt like a shot to the face. How dare Lucifer, make me sound so violent, so fucking scary like I’m a fucking monster when I was trying to defend myself because he didn’t want to protect me. I have been with Lucifer for 5 years, 3 of which we lived together and 1 where we were exes. Living with an ex is the most draining shit of your life, especially when you are such good partners. We have shared many laughs, many experiences, many ups, and downs . . . for him to pretend like he didn’t know me. To try to depict an image of me which is not true. I am most likely guilty of the same, as I saw him as a King. I looked at him and thought he was soo handsome, intelligent and strong. The way he was telling SweetNest about me was so dreadful and I finally had to release a secret, I never wanted to admit.

Tulip finally showed up, and in between our conversations and the fucking cop who put his number in my phone passing by and she thought he was hot, which he was but still a fucking douche. I look up to the ceiling trying to tilt my tears back inside my eyeballs, and trying so hard to swallow this lump in my throat to say “Tulip, I am finally going to admit this, Lucifer has hit me, one of the main reasons he moved back is because our last fight he punched me in the stomach. He has choked me, and the last time he choked me he whispered in my ear,‘You have lived a good 25 yrs of life’. It wasn’t the first time he has done that.

Let me take you to the past a little bit where I was born because it could have potentially saved my mother and biological fathers relationship. So already being brought into this world with not proper intentions. God only knows what my mom was going through while I was in the womb (which I totally believe affects a babies soul) Do I believe I was a love baby? Absolutely fucking not, my father was an abusive alcoholic cunt who did coke too, probably and most likely other things as well. I have dealt with his abuse on top of my mothers. Maybe it was because I looked like the fucker burnt to a crisp with curly hair, but as I was growing up, whenever I would get punished even as I got older my mom would punch me in the head a lot, my dad liked the belt. At least everyday I can remember just getting fucking whipped or pounded on by a fist. EVERYDAY, I was doing something wrong, I felt unwanted, why was I not dying yet, why was my body always fighting the pain. I could never cry about it either, I had to stay tough. I still loved though, I saw this documentary on Vice about shelters(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUfNbNBFwRI) and this home less girl says “If you hit me or you hurt me, I forgot and forgave you just like that, I don’t understand judgmental people, I don’t understand at all, like I think they are dumb, like they don’t know how to solve a problem.” I fucking broke. Because I did that, and thought exactly the same,I still loved my mom, I still loved my dad, and every other person who has hit me in between my life. It was normal no? I thought by the time I was 16, I was understanding what abuse was, and how it worked, I was starting to feel resentment so I mentally killed off my biological father who left our life anyway when my mom finally divorced him after 9/11 My mother and I are in a better spot, sort of. She has her demons that she refuses to face. After what we went through, I thought I would NEVER be with a man who hits me. & here I was forgiving, and still loving the fuck out of Lucifer, because I still believed he loved me too.

Our relationship started off. . . amazing, we connected, had to fall out due to differences in what I wanted and what I saw him as, but we still reconnected. Effortlessly too might I add, I didn’t even see him as a potential partner at first, if anything we were just a casual fling, and then I kinda wanted it to end because I was ready for something serious so I need to take a break to figure out what I wanted. Instead of what I actually thought it was, him choosing me and him coming to me ! He would buy me things show up and make plans, he was making it adamant that he wanted to be with me. Even after our first big fight, when I first cried in front of him, actually holding it back because he got me so angry, he didn’t want to leave, and then he finally left. He still kept coming back to me, and my life and honestly I was fighting it because I didn’t know if I wanted him either, but the more he showed interest in me, the more I genuinely felt he wanted to be with me. We would argue but he made up for it 20x better, he would take me shopping, treat me like a Queen, massage my feet, support me, motivate me and this was the person I was falling in love with. . As time went on he admitted that it felt like me talking to him about what I wanted and how we should cut something that isn’t real was an ultimatum. . . fucker what? I have always been honest with my intentions. I felt so awful because I thought everything was REAL. Till little by little he was doing and saying things that were disrespectful , getting away with gas lighting, and knowing what tactics and my weaknesses that would trigger me into doing annoying , corny fucked up girl shit, Maybe in another blog I will mention how and what lead to the abuse, whats types, and how his Jekyll and Hyde personas were just , making me look at myself in the mirror and be like “Who the fuck is this person?”

So back to admitting to my aunt what has / was happening and I don’t know why Lucifer is making this so fucking miserable for me. My arresting officer told me to see this lady in the office precinct, after I told him I still need to get my stuff, at least in peace. This lady was actually so fucking rude to me and tried to accuse me of “oh you just want to do this for retaliation” I got up and just fucking left. My aunt actually turned me around, then the lady was like “You see if she didn’t have that attitude I could let her know how to do a Order of Protection” - sick bitch. Heres the thing, it still isn’t her fault she spoke to me that way, playing mental mind games, it’s the criminal justice systems fault, believe that. I was talking to the cops for an hour trying to explain to them this whole mess, they told me to call the cops when I get home to get my shit, so I could get 20 minutes to an hr to get my shit. Tulip, and Tulips friend Alex ( who was actually besties with my biological father) and I waited a good hr and 1/2 outside the apartment, my aunt agreed she could take some things to her place. The cops finally show up and then when they get here my aunt speaks to them and the cop looks at me rolls his eyes, and says “Yeah I remember her.” I went so close to the car looking at this fuckers face, to recognize him as one of the cops that I called the first time, the one I thought earlier hit his wife too. - the way he was talking to the two older ladies I mentioned in part 1 ? Or 2? I forget. Mother fucker here we go, he tells my aunt how I am uncooperative and shit, and once again I CALLED THE COPS, for them to make me feel like a fucking moron for doing so. I open the door, it reaks of weed, and three stuffed black trash bags are full of my things, Diana goes into the other room and gets the TV. The crackheads are cracked out and shook. Lucifer then walks in “Um hello excuse me, thats my fucking TV” I look at him. The king that I saw in him, the man that I thought one day is going to be one of the most successful men I know, was replaced by a high asshole, who looked musty and miserable as fuck. I saw and only felt his hate, I had to stay quite as I could pack as much shit as I could into a sedan. He was trying to portray me as a burglar, a robber and he spoke to my aunt, who has taken him in as well in her own home like she was garbage. “Why are you even here this has nothing to do with you!?” The crackheads and the cops were watching them go back and forth in the kitchen until he tried to tell my aunt to shutup - she responds back with “I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GONNA CHOKE ME!” Wither 5 foot nothing self. He said “Choke who, who’s been choked!?” She confronted him about the bruises she has seen on me and how she didn’t call the cops either. Then he finally shut up and she told the cops on how he told me to come back the other day, then tries to say I’m a robber ! “Fucking manipulative shit, abusive men like you do!” Surprisingly for a minute moment the cops were on my side about things, telling Lucifer that he wasn’t even here when I called them the first time. B I know for a fact was jealous that I did have my aunt who was fighting for me, and I know she felt the sting that I am fucking loved while she feels at her loneliness, and can’t even fight for herself - even with her Shrek physique.

When I finally had shit packed up still not everything, my books, my dresser filled with clothes, paper work, shoes were still left there. So I had to make one more fucking trip and I hated knowing I had to come back. Meanwhile, Lucifer just looks at me, from the door in between the lions that protected the door while I was in the back of the car, he was waving good bye and smiling, proud that he destroyed me. I tilt my head forward putting my palms to my eyes, elbows to knees and just cried, releasing everything, feeling like a broken angel being taunted by demons dancing around me in a circle. Alex told me in Spaish, to just scream, it’s ok. “Quedate Fuerte.”

My aunt told me , to never forget that image of him, I want to , but I will never forget how that moment made me feel.

Stay tuned for Part 4 I thought I could bang out the second time I had to come across Lucifer, and officially the last time. For this article, I would like you to recognize anyone you think is being abused. May it be within a relationship, romantic, family, friend ANYTHING, don’t judge them. Learn from them, and if you can, help them.

Thank you Tulip, Thank you Alex.

In no way shape or form am I trying to retaliate against Lucifer. I honestly would have kept this secret forever if I could, I would have buried a body with him if it ever came to it, but I never thought it could have been mine. We were an amazing team at one point, and I can only wish him and his family well. Because I know from experience, that revenge isn’t worth it, I am not perfect, and that God is the one who equipped me strength, that make my ways blameless...

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