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eurydicees · 2 years

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TamaKyo 45 for hand-holding asks?

hi bestie it is midnight on july 11, which means i have left this sitting unanswered for, like, six months now. my bad lmfao. i did not edit this. i did not even proofread it. it is getting copy and pasted straight from google docs and i am not going to care about typos. i wrote this in a twenty minute haze of love for tamaki suoh. enjoy.

want me (i cry out) hold me closer (i whisper)

summary: it is its own kind of love, this wanting. it is selfish and bold and brave. it is unintentional and it is the burn that kyoya thinks maybe he has been waiting for. prompt: comparing hand sizes, then linking fingers together

pairings: tamaki suoh/kyoya ootori

words: 1559

warnings: none

It’s late: the time of night when the sky has faded from that dusky blue to a deep and patient aching for true dark, when the streetlights have flicked on with their little clicks of acknowledgement, when even the wind has begun to settle among the streets. There are no lights on in Kyoya’s room, but the street lamps leave echoes of light resting on the bed sheets.

He and Tamaki are sharing a bed again— and though this is new, though they have only known each other for a few months, this is something they have found more comfortable than not— and Kyoya can hear every soft exhale that Tamaki breathes. If it were anyone else, he would be annoyed, but it’s Tamaki, and so it’s just a little endearing.

He’s been finding himself thinking like that more and more often recently. Like Tamaki is not something to be befriended and entertained, like Tamaki is not a challenge nor a prize in a chess match, like Kyoya is no longer playing to win anything. Rather, he’s been looking at Tamaki and he’s been thinking, I want him to want me.

Kyoya doesn’t really know what to do with that feeling. He doesn’t know where to store it— head or chest or lungs or hands or— and he doesn’t know how to keep it secret. He’s always been good with secret keeping, yes, and he knows how to keep his feelings to himself, and he knows how to be private with every smile and laugh; but there is something different about this.

Or, there is nothing different about keeping it secret. The problem is just that Tamaki seems to see straight through every half-truth that Kyoya spits out like honesty. The problem is just that Tamaki seems to understand things that Kyoya himself doesn’t understand, and Kyoya hates it.

It all comes back to that feeling, that small blossom of pain in his chest, the tiniest rose bloom growing thorny and red in his lungs. The most heartbreaking of aches: wanting to be wanted.

Kyoya is all too familiar with the feeling, but this tastes more bitter than it ever has before. Maybe it’s because, previously, it had stemmed from wanting to please his father. Maybe it’s because it had always come with a desperation to be enough. Not more than enough, not more in general— just enough.

Now, Kyoya looks at Tamaki and wants to be more.

Or, he knows that he can be more.

Or, he knows that he wants to try.

Or maybe this is all just Kyoya overthinking things again and there has never been anything to question. Maybe Tamaki is just sleeping in the bed next to him because, ever since leaving France, he’s been as touch starved as Kyoya recently discovered he himself was. Maybe Tamaki doesn’t want or not want him so much as he doesn’t know what else to do with himself.

But Kyoya wants. He wants and he wants and he wants and he doesn’t know how to take these things in both hands and hold them tight. All he knows are whispers and shadow games and chess matches of the upper class kind. All he knows is the way his father moves him around like a bishop in an attempt to get him to prove himself; but more than that, he knows how to let himself be moved.

Befriending Tamaki is like waking from a long, long dream.

The problem with this is that, now that he’s been awake, he never wants to go back to sleep. The problem with this is that you can love being awake, but sleep always catches you back in her arms eventually.

Kyoya looks at Tamaki and feels as if the world has brightened. He looks at Tamaki and feels as if he has everything to prove. I want you to want me.

Tamaki rolls over in bed, opening his eyes wearily.

“You’re not asleep,” Tamaki says, voice hoarse with sleep and his eyes heavy, threatening to shut even as he looks at Kyoya. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kyoya says, keeping his voice low. “Go back to sleep.”

Tamaki yawns, then stretches his arm out in the air above him. He curls his hand back under his chin, and pointedly looks at Kyoya. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Kyoya swallows, then shakes his head. He rolls onto his side to rest his cheek on the pillow, meeting Tamaki’s gaze. His bed is only barely big enough for the both of them, but as he looks at Tamaki, he suddenly feels so small that it hurts. “I’m fine, Tamaki. Sleep now.”

Tamaki frowns at him. For a moment, Kyoya thinks that Tamaki is going to agree and turn around to fall back asleep. But Tamaki has yet to make things easy— one of the many things Kyoya cannot figure out— and he simply smiles sleepily at Kyoya.

“Talking about your worries helps, you know.”

Tamaki reaches across the bed and finds Kyoya’s hand, resting his own on top of it gently. His hand is so warm and Kyoya wants more, more, more. Tamaki is so full of warmth and light and Kyoya wants to burn within it. No, he may not understand the mechanics of fire, but he does understand that there is something healing about its burn.

He also understands that Tamaki has yet to give it to him freely.

Here is the problem, one of many: Kyoya befriended Tamaki at his father’s request. Tamaki, meanwhile, latched onto the first person to be nice to him. There is a difference between free love given and a love that comes from lack of another place to put it.

Kyoya doesn’t know if Tamaki knows why Kyoya was nice to him at the very beginning there. He almost hopes that Tamaki doesn’t know, because if he does know, then Kyoya has no chance at ever proving himself now. But if he does know— and he stuck around anyway— maybe Kyoya has a chance at being enough as he is.

Then again, maybe Tamaki isn’t playing a chess game like Kyoya sometimes thinks he is. Then again, maybe Kyoya is overthinking things. It’s nearing three in the morning and Tamaki is holding his hand. Maybe that means something.

Kyoya doesn’t know if he deserves it. He doesn’t care. He wants it anyway. He cares so much. He doesn’t want to fuck this up.

“Don’t think so hard about everything,” Tamaki says softly. He shifts his hand, moving so that their palms are pressed face to face. He laughs a little. “Your hands are smaller than mine.”

Kyoya rolls his eyes, is about to say something somewhat annoyed back, then Tamaki links their fingers together and he stops. He closes his eyes, just focuses on the feeling of Tamaki’s hand in his. His skin is soft. Uncalloused. Warm. Gentle.

Kyoya opens his eyes, then pulls his hand away, putting it under the pillow as if to guard himself from the touch. Tamaki gives love to everything he touches, he has so much love inside of him that it spills out into everything he does. Kyoya wants to be one of those things.

I want you to want me.

He doesn’t give a fuck about his father, sleeping only a few rooms away. Not right now. He cares about the way Tamaki is looking at him, like he is something to be treasured.

Kyoya will admit it, now, in the dark of his bedroom, as Tamaki laughs a little, light and airy in the nighttime. It’s not a favor to his father. It’s not a challenge to entertain Tamaki. It’s just something he wants. It’s a selfish, aching desire to be wanted, to be loved, to be seen. It’s been burning in him for too long now, he thinks.

He will admit it, here, in the nighttime, as Tamaki closes his eyes again but leaves his hand on Kyoya’s waist. It’s something more than he ever intended it to be. But here he is now anyways, loving Tamaki Suoh, not quite sure how it happened, not quite sure if he’s loved back, not quite sure if he deserves it.

There is something cold about it, about the way Kyoya is calculating whether or not Tamaki loves him. It’s a math equation, a one plus one, a he loves me plus he loves me not, a kind of multiplication table of am I enough for him? and I can try to be. I will be. I want to be.

But there is something warm about it, too. About these desires. They have petals and they grow. The two of them started as their fathers’ thorns, but the sun and the rain and the earth have grown them into something bigger. Something more than they were supposed to be. Something they want to be.

Kyoya closes his eyes. For now, he will sleep; in the morning, he can deal with this, with this secret that has grown from rosebud to a trellis of red and white and pink and purple and blue.

(One day, he will realize that he has nothing to prove. One day, he will realize that he does not have to earn this love. He has always been enough, and Tamaki knows this better than anyone.)

#i dunno man.#my writing #ohshc #tamakyo #kyoya ootori #tamaki suoh #ouran high school host club #ohshc fanfic #tamakyo fanfic #kyotama #ouran host club

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slyandthefamilybook · 6 months

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A NON-EXHAUSTIVE BUT NEVERTHELESS EXHAUSTING LIST OF NEO-NAZI AND WHITE SUPREMACIST DOGWHISTLES

since some of y'all apparently need a refresher course. as always, use your judement when deciding if it's a dogwhistle or just innocent usage of a number or symbol

NUMBERS

100% - 100 percent white

109 or 110 - A reference to the 109 countries that have expelled, in whole or in part, their Jewish populations. 110 refers to the hope that more countries will do so, usually specifically the United States. Often posted on its own as a reply, or phrased as a question (e.g. "If you were kicked out of 109 bars it's probably our fault")

1290 - A reference to the Edict of Expulsion of 1290, which expelled the Jewish population of England

13/50 or 13/52 or 13/90 - The supposed statistic that Black Americans make up 13% of the population yet commit 50% or 52% of violent crime, or 90% of interracial violence. Often posted on its own as a reply

14 - The Fourteen Words, a Neo-Nazi slogan

14/23 - A number representing the Southern Brotherhood, an Alabama prison gang

1488 - A combination of the Fourteen Words and Heil Hitler

C18 - Combat 18, a British neo-Nazi group

18 - The letters A (1) and H (8), standing for Adolf Hitler

21-2-12 - The Letters U (21), B (2), and 12 (L), standing for Union, Brotherhood, and Loyalty, the slogan of the Unforgiven, a Florida prison gang

23 - Often thrown up as a hand sign, with two fingers raised on one hand and three fingers raised on the other. Represents the letter W (23), standing for white

271,000 - A reference to the supposed fact that the Red Cross claimed only 271,000 people had been murdered in concentration camps. In reality, that number reported by the Red Cross only came from reports from 13 concentration camps (there were 23 main camps, plus a large number of smaller "satellite" camps)

88 - H (8) H (8), standing for Heil Hitler

9% - A number representing the percentage of the world's population that is white

SYMBOLS

((( ))) - Triple parentheses, or echo. Used by neo-Nazis to call out someone as Jewish

Iron Cross - A German military decoration

Sonnenrad (Sun Wheel)

Reichsadler (Imperial Eagle) - A blocky, art-deco eagle facing to the side. Variants exist, some facing right, some facing left. The Parteiadler (Party Eagle) has a slightly different design. The Reichsadler is usually clutching a wreath with a swastika, although this is sometimes left out to maintain plausible deniability

Totenkopf (Death's Head) - A symbol used by the SS

Wolfsangel (Wolf's Hook) - Used as the insignia of various Wermacht (Nazi Military) divisions

Wolfsangel (horizontal)

Odal Rune - From the Proto-Germanic "Othala" meaning heritage

Algiz Rune - A symbol used by German nationalists

Celtic Cross

"Broken Sun" Cross

Arrow Cross - A Hungarian nationalist party that was active from 1935-1945. The symbol has been re-appropriated by modern neo-Nazis

Valknot

EMOJI

🤑 Greedy Face Emoji - Used to refer to "greedy Jews"

💰 Money Bag Emoji - Used to refer to "greedy Jews"

🥸 Disguised Emoji - Used to refer to Jews because of the enlarged nose

🤥 Lying Emoji - Used to refer to Jews because of the enlarged nose

👃 Nose Emoji - Used to refer to Jews

🙋‍♂️ Raising Hand Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Sieg Heil salute

✋ Raised Hand Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Sieg Heil salute

o/ or 0/ - Used for its resemblance to the Sieg Heil salute

🐸 Frog Emoji - A reference to Pepe the Frog, a webcomic charcter co-opted by the alt-right

👌 Okay Symbol Emoji - A hand symbol co-opted by the alt-right. Sometimes said to resemble the letters WP, or White Power

🚪 Door Emoji - Refers to the fact that some of the gas chambers (such as the ones at Auschwitz) had wooden doors, and therefore could not have been airtight enough to contain the Zyklon B gas used to murder prisoners. In reality, many of the wooden doors were either replaced with airtight metal ones, or were made airtight with strips of felt that then deteriorated or were removed

🚿 Showerhead Emoji - Refers to the showerheads used to dispense Zyklon B gas in the gas chambers

⛽ Gas Pump Emoji - Refers to gas chambers

⚡⚡ Double Lightning Emojis - Used for their resemblance to the Siegrune (victory rune) badge worn by members of the SS (Schutzstaffel)

💀 Skull Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Totenkopf (Death's Head) used by the SS

☠️ Skull and Crossbones Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Totenkopf (Death's Head) used by the SS

WORDS/PHRASES

6MWE - Six Million Wasn't Enough. A call for further genocide against Jews

AKIA - A Klansman I Am

Annudah Shoah - A mockery of both the Shoah (Holocaust) and the fear of further genocide

Auschwitz had a swimming pool/rec center/maternity ward/etc. - An attempt to diminish the horror of concentration camps by making them seem more like labor camps with amenities

Blood and Honor - A neo-Nazi slogan

Blood and Soil - A neo-Nazi slogan

Blood Libel - Not a phrase used by the far right, but something they often believe in or claim. Blood libel is an antisemitic conspiracy theory stretching back hundreds of years. The original claim was that Jews used the blood of Christian babies to bake matzah (a ritual food eaten on Passover). It has since evolved into images of Jews drinking blood, kidnapping and killing non-Jewish babies, and conspiracy theories about harvesting adrenochrome

Bowlcut - A reference to white supremacist mass-murderer Dylan Roof

Cohencidence - A portmanteau of Cohen (a common Jewish last name) and coincidence. Used to refer to Jewish control (e.g. "All these companies are owned by Jews! What a Cohencidence!")

COORS - "Comerades of Our Racial Struggle"

Cultural Marxism - A conspiracy theory that Jews are intentionally weakening "Western values" in order to make countries like the United States more susceptible to communism. This was called Cultural Bolshevism in Nazi Germany

Da Shoah or Muh Shoah or Muh Holocaust - A mockery of the Holocaust

Day of the Rope - A day referenced in neo-Nazi book The Turner Diaries when all race traitors will be hanged

Degenerate - An insult based on the false theory that bad morals will cause human beings to regress along the path of evolution (to de-evolve). Used to describe groups, individuals, or ideologies

Early Life - A reference to the "Early Life" section of Wikipedia biographies, which will reveal that a person is Jewish or has Jewish ancestry

Every Single Time - Every time something bad happens, the perpetrator is Jewish

Featherwood - A term derived from racist prison subculture. A featherwood is a woman associated with a racist gang

FGRN - For God, Race, and Nation. A Ku Klux Klan slogan

The Fourteen Words - A neo-Nazi slogan. "We must secure the existance of our people and a future for white children"

The Frankfurt School - A school of sociology founded at Goethe University Frankfurt in 1923. Usually blamed as the originator of "Cultural Marxism"

Fren - Internet slang. A diminutive of "friend", used to diminish Naziism and make it seems more harmless. Often used in usernames to describe one's self (e.g. sad_fren_88)

Globalist - A person who desires connection between countries in terms of politics, trade, and travel. Used to scaremonger about Jews destroying countries by removing their borders

Gorillion - A mockery of the number 6 million, being the amount of Jews who were murdered in the Holocaust

Goy - Hebrew for "nation", used by Jews to refer to non-Jews/gentiles. Used disparagingly by neo-Nazis to suggest Jews view non-Jews as beneath them

Goyslop - Unhealthy food that Jews force non-Jews to eat to keep them weak

Groid - A shortening of "Negroid", an archaic terms used to describe Black people

Groyper - A follower of avowed neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. A reference to the "Groyper" meme, a variant of Pepe the Frog

GSHW - Germany Should Have Won (i.e. won World War II)

GTKRWN - Gas the Kikes; Race War Now

HDKH - Hitler Didn't Kill Himself. A neo-Nazi theory that Hitler escaped Germany and fled to Argentina

John 8:44 - "You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies." Part of Jesus' rebuke of his Jewish followers

Joo or Jooz - An intentional misspelling of "Jews" in an attempt to bypass censors or automatic content filters

Kate Hikes - A spoonerism of "hate kikes"

Kek - 4chan variation of "lol"

Kekistan - A fictional country imagined by white nationalists with a flag that resembles the Nazi battle flag

Khazar - A reference to the conversion of a group of Khazars (a Turkic people) to Judaism. Antisemites speculate that the entirity of Ashkenazi Jews are descended from these Khazar converts, and therefore have no historical, cultural, or genetic tie to the Levant. This has been proven false on multiple occasions

Kike - A racial slur against Jews

Lizard People or Reptilians - A conspiracy theory by far-right figure David Icke, claiming that world leaders are really reptilian aliens. Most people who believe this theory believe that the lizard people in question are the Jews

Magic Soil - A protest against the idea that people of one nationality can become people of another nationality simply by living in a country (i.e. "France doesn't have magic soil that turns Africans into Frenchmen")

Nicker - An intentional misspelling of the N word in an attempt to bypass censors or automatic content filters

Ns - Black people (as in the plural of the letter N)

NSDAP - Nationalsozialistiche Deutsche Arbeiterpartei. The Nazi party, but using an acronym that is unfamiliar to most people

NS - National Socialist

Noticer - Someone who "notices" that Jews control the world

The Noticing - A mass movement of people "noticing" that Jews control the world

New World Order - A far-right conspiracy theory about Jews taking control over the world and implementing a single world government. Also used in conjunction with phrases like "world banks"

OFOF - One Front, One Family. Slogan of the neo-Nazi group Volksfront

ORION - Our Race Is Our Nation

Oy Vey - A Yiddish exclamation meaning "oh woe". Used by neo-Nazis to mock Jews

Pattern Recognizer - Someone who has recognized the "pattern" of Jews always being in control

Peckerwood - A term derived from racist prison subculture. A peckerwood is a man associated with a racist gang

Power Level - A memeification of far-right beliefs. The more fascist your beliefs, the higher your "power level"

The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion - A 20th century Russian hoax claiming to be the minutes of meetings between Jewish leaders discussing how they will take control of the world

Pure Blood - Someone who is a pure member of the white race

Rabbi Smolett - A claim that Jews fabricate antisemitic hate crimes (a reference to actor Jussie Smolett who was accused of doing the same)

ROA - Race Over All

The Goyim Know - A phrase used by white supremacists acting like Jews who have discovered white supremacist activity, and are afraid that they've been found out. Often "The Goyim Know, Shut It Down", which adds the idea that Jews will prohibit any conversation that gets too close to the truth

The Red Cross - A reference to the supposed fact that the Red Cross claimed only 271,000 people had been murdered in concentration camps. In reality, that number reported by the Red Cross only came from reports from 13 concentration camps (there were 23 main camps, plus a large number of smaller "satellite" camps)

Tiny Hats or Tiny Hatted People - A reference to the Kippah or Yarmulke often worn by Jewish men

Reject Modernity, Embrace Tradition - A fascist slogan warning against social progress and calling for a return to a prelapsarian (usually ethnocentric) paradise

Rubbing Hands - A reference to an antisemitic charicature called "The Happy Merchant"

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you're not allowed to criticize" - A quote often misattributed to Voltaire, which neo-Nazis use to decry claims of antisemitism as efforts to silence them. In fact, it's a quote from a neo-Nazi pedophile

Shabbos Goy - A non-Jewish neighbor of a Jew who can be asked to perform acts Jews are forbidden from doing on the Sabbath (e.g. turning of a light or turning on the heat). Used by neo-Nazis to claim someone is a slave to Jews

Sheeeiiit - An over-the-top representation of how "shit" is said with a Blaccent. Often used in memes declaring Black people to be less intelligent

Shekels - Jewish currency (from the Hebrew word for weight, similar to how British currency is called the pound. In reality, the plural of shekel is shkalim). The name has been adopted by the State of Israel for the NIS (New Israeli Shekel). "Shekels" is used by neo-Nazis to mock Jews as being greedy

Synagogue of Satan - An antisemitic term for Jews, stemming from the Chrsitian Bible

They or Them - When used to describe a nebulous group of undefined adversaries, these words almost always refer to Jews

They Cry Out in Pain As They Strike You - An antisemitic proverb claiming that Jews will make false cries of antisemitism while at the same time perpetrating atrocities

Troon - A slur against trans people, particularly trans women

Volk - German for "folk", or "kind". Used by neo-Nazis to refer to white people

We Wuz Kangz - A racist phrase ment to mock Black nationalists

White Genocide - The myth that a group of people (usually Jews) are conspiring to eliminate the white race through various means including immigration, intermarriage, and homosexuality

WP - White Power

WN - White Nationalist or White Nationalism

Wooden Doors - Refers to the fact that some of the gas chambers (such as the ones at Auschwitz) had wooden doors, and therefore could not have been airtight enough to contain the Zyklon B gas used to murder prisoners. In reality, many of the wooden doors were either replaced with airtight metal ones, or were made airtight with strips of felt that then deteriorated or were removed

Zio - An abbreviation of "Zionist". Used derogatorialy by neo-Nazis

WPRWS - 'Weimar Problems Require Weimar Solutions" (sometimes shortened to just "Weimar Problems" or "Weimar Solutions"). Prior to the rise of the Nazi Party, the democratic Weimar Republic was in financial crisis (the eponymous "Weimar Problem"). This was often blamed on the Jews. The "Weimar Solution" is Naziism

ZOG - Zionist Occupied Government, reflecting the belief that the United States government is controlled by Jews

#atlas entry #this took me several hours to compile so please give it a reblog #there are also a lot of ways nazis will mock Black or Jewish names but that's less dogwhistle-y and more foghorn-y #if you see someone say “lol 'Stein' 👃” and don't understand what they mean. I dunno that's on you man #also sorry for putting kike on here but you'd be shocked how many people I've met who have genuinely never heard it before #also the ADL website has a bunch more representing various prison gangs #but I feel like it can be overwhelming to know that 11 12 and 13 can all be racist symbols. I don't wanna make people jump at shadows #besides those are more likely to be worn as tattoos than displayed in someone's twitter bio #jews #jewish #judaism #nazis #neo nazis #neo-nazis #christofascism #far right #alt-right #white supremacy #white nationalism

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