#i dont want to exist rn feels | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cosmicyeen · 2 months

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i saw a post recently that was talking about how people won't stop working bad jobs like customer service just because they no longer have the threat of starvation from making no money, and that is a very true statement!

but in that same post they also said that eventually even the worst jobs people will "never wanna do" will eventually be automated, with one of the examples being roadkill pickup.

Which that didnt make sense to me in the context of the larger post, there are absolutely gonna be people who will wanna pick up roadkill. Its quite literally a hobby for some folks.

like, the statement "people are still gonna find fulfilment working "bad jobs" like house cleaning or garbage pickup" is true!

BUT saying it with the caveat of "oh the *real* bad jobs will just be automated" is unrealistic, both because how the hell are you gonna automate something like roadkill pickup?? and because i think some people underestimate just how "bad" a job can be and still be appealing to someone else

this isnt super coherent probably but it's been on my mind since reading that post because it was kinda like "huh i guess a lot of people just dont know about this sorta thing"

#and yes i know the hobby of roadkill pickup is centered around salvage and not keeping roads clean/scavengers safe but it very well could be #also yeah CWD monitoring is also important in some areas but that links back into conservation which is part of my point #no terrible job is gonna exist in isolation itll link back to things like animal safety or conservation etc #or even just road safety or construction #also it doesnt make a lot of sense to say people still will want to work bad jobs out of self-fulfilment #and then turn around and say nobody will want to work a certain bad job out of self fulfilment #like maybe YOU wouldnt but thats the point! that every individual has different tolerances for dofferent jobs that you dont always undrstand #again idk where im going with this i just feel like typing something rn #yeen yelling

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soggypotatoes · 3 months

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role reversal with mum getting really intense

im trying to go up to her place more, even though literally every time I go there I relapse (I don't at home these days!) bc I know she's lonely.. and she's having surgery soon and I don't trust my dad and brother to look after her (aka not let her do all the cleaning still lol)

so I'm slipping back into the role of kid parent and I feel myself also slipping into. being a little kid again who's in over her head

I don't know what to prioritise :/ my therapist always tells me I'm supposed to put myself first, my biggest problem is Ive never known how to do that. but that's the problem!!! what does that mean!!! if putting myself first means not looking after her, I'd hate myself for it. she needs me. and I'm neglecting friends, too - I haven't been able to even glance at any of my messages bc I'm too overwhelmed with other people's needs. is prioritising myself checking their messages and making time for them, or is that prioritising friends over family over me??? WHAT DOES IT MEAN GUYS

I just really don't know what I'm supposed to do to look after myself. I'm stumped!

#anyway. ugh #i feel the need to put myself aside and focus on her #but the problem is if i do that i will wither away #and stop existing #and also when does it end?#that's the thing #if my brother and dad never plan on putting effort in..#and the fucked thing is #i dont blame my dad at all #hes. a child. he never grew up #rn all my anger is towards my brother #isnt that messed up? im angry at him for not parenting our parents lmao #i want to exist for myself and do things i like to do #i just dont know what that means or who im supposed to. um #like who to let down. in what order #do i let down my mum or my friends lol #cause i only have space for 1 or the other #ed mumbles

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clumsyclifford · 2 months

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#stuff #without saying too much. i am really having a moment rn.#sometimes. i just #okay so like. the round peg fits in the square hole ykwim? so i was like. makes perfect sense #and those corners where nothing fits WELL nothing to worry about that is just Quirks and Idiosyncrasies!#and naturally it never. NEVER ONCE!!!! NEVER O N C E !!!!!!!! OCCURRED TO ME!!!! THAT PERHAPS!!! A SQUARE PEG EXISTED!!!!!!#TO FILL IN THOSE MOTHERFUCKING CORNERS!!!!!!!!!!#i want to bash my head into a staircase #perspective is literally just an ongoing realization that you were so fucking stupid every second until right now #duhhhhhh square peg exists. it exists specifically to go in the square hole. put the god damn pieces together you motherfucking idiot.#throw the round peg AWAY YOU DONT NEED IT!!!!#it's like it's like #okay it's like this #in neurochemistry. like in neurotransmitters and drugs and shit there's two ways a drug can act on the brain #there's agonists and antagonists #oh and inverse antagonists #an agonist binds to the neuron's neurotransmitter receptors and mimics the effect of an endogenous NT #antagonist binds to the receptors but doesn't do anything except take up space aka prevent real NTs from binding #however INVERSE antagonists. they will bind to the neuron and have. the OPPOSITE effect as the desired NT #you get an inverse antagonist to bind to your neurons and it's like yessss you feel this way you experience this thing #but now. like. get that inverse antagonist outta here. now the actual NTs flood in. and they are like #theyre like hey man you dont feel that way or experience that thing at all actually. idk why you thought you did but You Don't #anyway thats where im at #havin a normal one as you can clearly see #edit edit edit they are inverse AGONISTS i just cant read and cant edit the tags because mobile #inverse AGONISTS not antagonists #this matters to zero people

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thegirlisuedtobe · 10 months

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Hi there! First thank you always for translating the Rebecca interviews they are really fun and interesting to read. Seeing some of your comments you made about the Korean Dannys views on romance/homosexuality I was curious. When I first read the novel which was a long time ago, my interpretation of Danny and Rebecca’s relationship was 50/50 maybe really lovers but could also just be some type of non-romantic attachment. After watching the Korean production I feel that there’s a stronger implication of them being lovers. Some Rebecca fandom friends that I know are on the skeptical side I guess about them being real lovers so this is a topic that interests me. I was curious do you think you would’ve still thought of Danny and Rebecca as lovers if it wasn’t for the Korean production/Ock Joohyun? Really wanted to know your thoughts about that! Actlly I want to think of them as lovers but like if asked to defend why I think they’re lovers I’m not sure I’d personally be able support my view properly with evidence or anything since I’m not the good at analysis type etc haha. I hope this makes sense? Thx

Tbh it's kind of hard to say I feel that way 100% with no bias but,,,

(lol under the read more bc i ended up rambling)

Actually, the way I got into Rebecca was I discovered joo hyuns performance > i read the wiki > i watched a subtitled version of the german performance > I watched the Korean production > then I read the book > then I translated the Korean script further and read interviews.

Joo Hyun's performance was only just her singing the Rebecca long reprise at the top of act two, it wasn't really a song that incredibly showcased her interpretation or feelings towards the dynamic between rebecca and danny. when I read the wiki I was already thinking danny and rebecca sounded gay as hell and even watching the albeit reserved german production i felt like the specific situation that danny was found it alluded to that lover dynamic. like im a lesbian LOL so I kind of immediately went hey theres another lesbian right there. When it came to how maxim talked about rebecca it only further cemented in my mind that rebecca was also a lesbian. so like even from the german production, i felt that rebecca and danny were lesbians and had something together. now whether that something was balanced is another story, but i deff in my heart knew that they were some kind of secret lovers.

i don;t think in my mind that i ever had any doubt that rebecca and danny had some kind of more than mistress and servant relationship, and i dont think that i ever doubted that it was ever one sided. idk i just felt it in my gut. But i also moved on from the german production quite quickly when i got a copy of the rebecca production. that initial feeling of theyre lesbians really bloomed into oh they really loved each other when i got to the korean production and joo hyunie was pulling out all the stops. like the way she was acting,,, there was this palpable sense of love, the kind of love that felt equal. i've also talked about this before in one of my review essays (on my writing blog) but i think the contrast of her age against the older german dannys did a lot of work to bring that love closer to "lovers" and a more balanced dynamic imo.

i remember talking to a german rebecca fan and they talked a lot about doing a lot of contextualising and rationalising, trying to bend the script into a way that danny and rebecca were something in a mutual sense. i remember being really confused about that. like they had to put a lot of mental energy into rationalising that they were "mutual lovers" whereas it felt innate to me that they were.

Re: the age contrast. When I finally got to reading the book as well, in my mind i thought danny and rebecca grew up together as children (the line where danny has been with rebecca since she was young). also please note that i'm asian so like cultural aspects of rebecca flew over my head at times, but when i read it thats what i thought that line meant. but i talked to a european rebecca friend of mine and they said danny is referred to as governess and usually theyd be at least like 20 so when danny says she was with rebecca since childhood she meant in an overseeing kind of way; child and carer relationship. me not knowing that cultural thing impacted the balance i saw in their relationship which is why its also interesting that a lot of the korean dannys felt the same way i felt.

i haven't read the korean translation of rebecca so i dont know how they translate that cultural aspect/line but joo hyun, shin young sook, jang eun ah and kim sun young as i have just discovered all thought that danny grew up with rebecca. that her mother was rebecca's nanny and because of their close proximity grew up together. even before reading the interviews where these dannys said that, i also thought that was the case. so maybe its a culture thing?

but because of that, the relationship felt balanced enough that i felt like it was mutual. compounded by the more emotive ways that joo hyunie was expressing just how much she loved rebecca, it felt like a no brainer to me that they loved each other exclusively. sure rebecca was out and about having sex, but it wasnt sex out of love, it felt like sex out of fun or a habitual need, it felt like it meant entirely nothing to her. ergo her "love" (the kind beyond just physical sex) was only for danny. ive always felt very certain of that.

i think your feeling of not being able to defend danny and rebecca mutual relationship is understandable. there's so much ambiguity in the original text that its difficult to say that this thing points directly to this, or lots of lines could mean different things to different people. i'm always the opinion of rebecca is a mirror and depending on what themes or ideas or messages that u pick up, it's really just a reflection of what u want to see most. now whether i agree with another person's image of rebecca through that mirror is an entirely differnt matter, but i can't help but feel that way with danny and rebecca. its like,,, all i can say is, have you looked at them?? dont they seem that way to you??

lol im sure if i put my head into it i could make an essay to "prove" that theyre in a mutual relationship, and i know theres plently of evidence that i could pick out, but the gut feeling has been there from the start!

#lmao not sure if this was entirely helpful to u at all since its really just a gut feeling #but ik that gut feeling isnt like a delusion either it exists i just dont have it in me to pick out concrete evidence rn #also i strongly feel this way mostly just to the korean production #i feel like the book wants to have a discussion more than just danny and rebecca if theyre mutual or not #i really like the ambiguity of rebecca the novel as a whole so im not really of the mind the try bending over backwards proving their #relationship in that either #i think it only features so prominently in the musical because of what themes they picked out of the book to create a musical narrative #if u asked me to watch the german productions and based on their performance if it was mutual or not i wouldnt be so quick to say yes it wa #mutual as i would with the korean production now that i have hindsight lmao #actually theres smth interesting about all these adaptions and productions and how that relates to that are they mutuall lovers question #that i would like to talk about but i think this is getting long as it is #generally speaking i do think theyre mutuall in love but for different iterations i think that degree shifts between mildly disagree to #110% strongly agree #illa answers #rebecca #rebecca das musical #rebecca korea

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