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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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Seriously, for fuck’s sake, I know that post was AT LEAST as far back as December, if not more, and it literally had less than ten notes just two hours ago.

But remember! I’m on a fucking CRUSADE! I just want to take away peoples’ rape fics and harmless kiddie porn fantasies and I just can’t respect the fact that as long as people just TAG their ‘herein lies my advertisement of the fact that hahaha, omg I think what happened to you is actually kinda hot and sexy giggle giggle aren’t I so TABOO????’ smut like lol okay, well that doesn’t affect me at all, I’m not remotely bothered by having to spend every single day wading through reminders of how much more fascinating people find rape than actual survivors of said things.

I’m the one who has no idea how to live in a society with other people and suck it up and deal with the fact that sometimes, people do and say things that make us uncomfortable and we wish we could avoid, but just shut the fuck up and keep that to yourself, right? Don’t like....TELL people they’ve made you uncomfortable and are doing things that you wish they’d think about more critically, gosh, all that’s gonna do is make THEM uncomfortable then, why couldn’t you just kept it to yourself, how dare you think TALKING about problems is the solution?????

Yup yup, I’m clearly the one who has no boundaries and no regard for other people and can’t let people just have their harmless fun, their different opinions that don’t actually affect me, I’m the one who just can’t seem to stop from hunting down posts I don’t agree with and hopping on other blogs and resurrecting weeks or months old posts just to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS THIS POST WAS WROOOOOOONG. Lmao.

Well I’m very sorry for all that, now that mine eyes have been opened! Rape fics are harmless and this is all just fictional, nobody is actually affected in a negative way by anything being talked about here yaaaaaaay!

Anyway, I’m off to spend the rest of the night trying to calm down lolol because fun fact for people who love to talk about being triggered but have no real clue what they’re actually talking about and how that word was never meant to describe being like...upset or angry but rather the stimuli or situations that put survivors and people with PTSD and other mental disorders into actual goddamn panic spirals and attacks. And thus like, triggers are not as fucking obvious as some of you seem to think they are.

Like lol guess what, I actually can read a scene wherein someone’s raping someone in a scene that looks or sounds EXACTLY LIKE MY RAPE and it can be heart-wrenching and it can be graphic and it can be emotional and I can still not be triggered by that! Know why? Because shockingly, I AM aware that this is just fictional! That these are just fictional characters! That no fictional character and no real person has been harmed in the writing of this scene, because FICTIONAL CHARACTERS CAN’T BE HARMED! Know what else fictional characters can’t be? RAPED. Because rape is not a VISUAL, rape is not an ACTION, rape is not a SPECIFIC SEQUENCE OF EVENTS. Rape is a THEFT, it is one person STEALING another person’s ability to control what happens with their body, taking what they have no right to take, just because they WANT to, just because they CAN. And thus NO rape scene, no matter HOW well written or realistically depicted, is ever going to BE a rape scene, just like no ‘rape fantasy’ roleplay is ever going to BE rape because without an actual DYNAMIC of one person taking something the other person has no power to stop, when its two equally consenting partners or two flat fictional characters on a page, it is still nothing more than a SIMULATION of rape, and NEVER ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT.

And guess what? I can handle THAT just fine. THAT doesn’t trigger me no matter how much it reminds me of my own trauma, because I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT ISN’T REAL.

But you know what IS real? You know what DOES trigger me? The CONTEXT of the scene. The REASON it was written, the intended REACTION of the reader.

The part that makes me lose my fucking shit is when I’m forced to face the reality that this scene exists, was written, because somebody found it HOT and SEXY and wanted to share it with people who’d see it the same way. The reason I lose my goddamn MIND and my adrenaline ramps up and my whole body starts shaking as my fight or flight instincts kick in with no actual outlet because there’s no actual threat, just the phantom reminder of a threat I couldn’t escape from....THAT fun little adventure comes from looking or hearing about things that remind me of my rape, take me back to that fucking room and make me a terrified out of my goddamn mind dumbass nineteen year old all over again.....and knowing that this is HOT to the writer and readers, that this is intended as sexually gratifying, that this scene, this depiction, this simulation of one person STEALING from another powerless person SOMETHING THEY WILL NEVER EVER FUCKING BE ABLE TO GET BACK AS LONG AS THEY LIVE, THE SENSE OF SAFETY AND SECURITY THAT COMES FROM BEING THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHO HAS ACCESS TO YOUR BODY....knowing that this little smutty fic exists so people can read this and be TURNED ON by this, so they can GET OFF to this, this thing they’re looking at in their mind, reading about, picturing as they stare down at their screen getting all hot and bothered....

JUST LIKE MY FUCKING RAPIST LOOKED WHEN GETTING OFF FROM TAKING THOSE THINGS FROM ME.

THAT is what fucking triggers me, THAT is what makes me feel unsafe and panicky, THAT is what traps me all over again in that fucking goddamn room and leaves me STUCK there no matter how many years its been and HOW far I’ve come in getting past it...

THE CONSTANT NEVER ENDING REMINDER THAT PEOPLE THINK ITS TOTALLY NO BIG DEAL TO FUCKING AGREE WITH MY RAPIST ABOUT HOW FUCKING HOT AND SATISFYING THE VIEW IS FROM UP THERE.

And all the fucking trigger warnings in the world don’t protect me from THAT, they just emphasize how little people actually give a shit, they just want the magic answer to how they can have their fun ‘harmless’ little rape KINK without having someone make them feel bad for the fact that the rank goes FUN RAPE FANTASIES YAY first and survivors who have a problem with that way the fuck last.

Anyway, so that’s what I’ll be doing all night! Links to my paypal and my ko-fi are on my main blog page if anyone’s ever felt informed or learned anything from any of my many, many, MANY posts about this stuff or any form of gratitude for the effort I DO or at least once DID put into sorting through my thoughts and making my points in some kind of way that actually addresses the usual conversations around all this.

Because guess what? It IS goddamn fucking emotional labor. It DOES take work! Its EXHAUSTING. It HURTS. I would give anything in the world to NOT pick at that giant fucking scab as often as I do, but I DONT HAVE THAT OPTION. Because not talking about it DOESNT MAKE IT GO AWAY. It doesn’t make LESS for me to have to navigate through every goddamn day of my life and you know what the suggested response to problems that you can’t fix on your own are? Problems with SOCIETY?

HAVING GODDAMN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT.

So excuse me for SAYING that as often as I do especially cuz every time I DO I get maybe ten notes of acknowledgment that anyone’s even fucking LISTENING but meanwhile here’s another fucking five hundred on a Batfam or X-Men shit post, now THAT’S the content people want from me!

Guess what! I WANT THAT TO BE MY CONTENT TO!

I would LOVE nothing more than to just be able to happily and comfortably shitpost about my favorite superheroes and write stuff I enjoy and that doesn’t have the flaws I rant about seeing in so many shows and books. I could talk for HOURS about fun thoughts and ideas I have in my head, I could banter back and forth with my friends about nothing of substance at all for DAYS, I don’t NEED to fucking retraumatize myself every goddamn day screaming into the void about this shit so I can feel IMPORTANT or have something INTERESTING to blog about or whatever the fuck people think is my reason for ranting about this shit. ALL. THE. GODDAMN. TIME.

But I can’t do that, because there is not a fucking day that goes by, not a DAY where SOMETHING doesn’t cross my dash, or SOMETHING isn’t on an Ao3 page I’m searching through for fic about a fave character, that doesn’t set me off and make my body start shaking with how deeply, fundamentally UPSETTING it is to constantly be bombarded with reminders of just how easy people find it to reframe my trauma as something hot and sexy and WAY MORE WORTH DEFENDING than the very thought of me going ONE FUCKING DAY without having to stumble across bullshit like that. Because I CAN’T ‘dont like/dont read’ as much is out there. I don’t need to click on a fic to see this is smut fic by an author who thinks rape is hot and judging from the number of kudos and comments and hits is definitely on to something! GUESS I DID MY RAPE WRONG THEN, cuz it wasnt fucking hot for me!

I would love to just ‘avoid’ it so I can actually ENJOY my fucking time on the internet. But I CANT. Because its EVERYWHERE. And god forbid I try and start fucking CONVERSATIONS about that so that maybe, someday, after we’ve done the work as a society to examine WHY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING INVESTED IN THIS STUFF, I or at the very least people like me, can someday enjoy one day on the internet where they DONT have to constantly wade through an endless swamp of that shit.

Honestly. Seriously. I have said it so often I can not count. I do not want to censor anyone. I do not want power over what people can read or write. I just. want. to TELL people that when they write this stuff, it has CONSEQUENCES, that there are people it DOES hurt, and have them LISTEN, so that at least, at LEAST the ones who are bothered enough by that realization to NOT be comfortable writing it when faced with the awareness of the fact that their writing HAS THIS EFFECT WHETHER WE SAY IT TO THEIR FACES OR NOT, that THEY at least can decide....hey. What if I just...wrote something else instead?

But what the FUCK am I supposed to do with the constant, incessant reminder that people would rather dig in their heels in defense of their RAPE FANTASIES than roll up their sleeves and do a little fucking examination of WHY they and society at large are so fucking invested in this shit that the very IDEA of ‘giving up’ content like this for the sake of people who have actually LIVED through it, is just....INCOMPREHENSIBLE to them? That they feel ATTACKED by the very idea?

(And don’t fucking come at me with that ‘some survivors use it to cope’ stuff. Yeah, well I used to get in bar fights as my coping mechanism. Didn’t fucking mean it was healthy, and it wasn’t fucking harmless to anyone I punched in the goddamn face, now was it? Also, if you’re not a survivor and you hide behind that line, FEEL FUCKING ASHAMED for thinking of it as a kneejerk response to another survivor telling you your “kink” fucking hurts).

I’m out. See you all later.

#rape cw

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horriblewithusernames · 6 years

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@ my fellow Christians:

(This is gonna be long, but this is a very important message that I hope many of you will take the time to read and consider) Jesus was literally not white. Jesus was also Jewish. Jesus made a point to socialize with social outcasts such as protsitutes, tax collectors (which was a HUGE thing back in the day y'all literally everyone hated tax collectors ok?), he'd welcome the homeless and provide for the poor. Jesus treated everyone, regardless of gender, age, religion, etc. with EQUAL LOVE AND RESPECT. Jesus humbled himself before others and did not allow anyone to treat him as King. He socialized with social lepers and literal lepers. Jesus loved and welcomed anyone. Jews and Gentiles alike. Men, women, children, the sick, the elderly, the rich and the poor. They were all equal to him and he treated them all with love and respect. Long story short: Jesus was not white and was not bigoted or hateful. Stop using His name to justify your own hatred and bigotry. You cannot preach "God is love." (1 John 4:8) and in the same breath say that "God hates f*gs." That is pure hypocrisy and if Jesus we're currently on this earth He would not be happy about this. You cannot truthfully call yourself a Christian if you use the Bible or the name of God or His Son to defend the hatred that taints your heart. STOP. USING. JESUS. AS. AN. EXCUSE. FOR. YOUR. HATRED. Doing so and aligning yourself with other Christians not only highlights the fact that you're bigoted but it brings a bad name upon a religion that, at its core, was formed upon love and forgiveness. For those of you who aren't Christian and feel that Christianity is wrong because it's being represented improperly (for example: westboro Baptist), I want you to know that not only is what you're seeing not true Christianity, but that all of you are welcome here. If you want to talk, or have questions, or feel uncomfortable or unsafe on my blog or messaging me, please understand that I sincerely love you all, and I will welcome any of you with open arms if you ever need anything. If we've never spoken and you need to vent, be my guest. If you're curious about religion, I'd be happy to help educate you to the best of my ability. If you think that I'll judge you based on your race or sexuality, religion or political views I hope that you understand that I genuinely enjoy talking to people from all backgrounds. I will never judge you. That's not why I'm on this earth. I was put here to love you and to make sure that if any of you needs someone to help them feel like they belong, you have someone. If anyone does ever decide to talk, especially if you have views or opinions that differ from mine, just know that I will always do my best to respect you and I will never try to force my beliefs on anyone. Again: this is not about trying to convert anyone. I want all of my followers to know that my blog and inbox are a safe space for you, no matter what. I'm here and I truly have a lot of love to give. Also, I cannot stress this enough: STOP USING JESUS AND THE WORD OF GOD TO JUSTIFY YOUR HATRED. To all of you who have been targeted personally or have had your community targeted as a whole by people claiming to be Christians, I sincerely apologize. It breaks my heart knowing that such hateful people exist and that they actively advertise their hate. On behalf of true Christians, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I love you, we love you, and you are always welcome to spend time talking to us or spend time with us in general. If you're someone who is unsure of Christianity or religion as a whole and want to explore it, don't be afraid to ask a true friend if you could join them for church one day. If they are a true Christian, they and their church will gladly accept you as part of their fellowship. I've even known atheists who went to church out of curiosity and the fact is that if it's the right kind of church, they won't single you out or make you feel guilty. They'll accept and respect you and treat you just as they treat anyone else. TL;DR: fellow Christians need to stop using Jesus as a defense for hatred. True Christians practice loving everyone the way that Jesus would love them. Try not to be afraid of Christianity as a whole. My ask and messages are always open and I'm willing to be someone to talk or vent to, someone to advise you, and I'd be happy to be your friend if you need one. I will always help you in every way I can, and if you dont want to talk about religion or have advice based on a Christian perspective, that's fine. I won't force it on you. I am able to give objective advice that doesn't have to do with "the bible says this" or "Jesus would want you to do that." This is a safe place for anyone. Followers, mutuals, and random people who don't even follow me. Any of you can come to me about any issue and I'm more than happy to try to help you through whatever comes your way. Special shoutout: to the LGBTQ+ people who are also Christians - there are a lot of protests with a very common catchphrase that "God hates f*gs". I'm devastated that anyone would say that to another person. Please trust me and allow me to reassure you that God has never and will never hate you. In fact, God loves you more than you can imagine. You are still his child. You're going to be okay. Sorry this was so long. But it was really weighing on me and I hope some of you who take the time to read all of this can take something positive away from it.

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laurabaileys · 7 years

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Sep 15, 2017: precursor.

I don’t understand how I wound up being the one who’s somehow in the wrong, but I should have expected it. You’re great at making yourself the victim and making the world seem like it’s out to get you. And these days I’m so fucking sad that things are turning out this way. But I’m also so fucking mad that you chose this path. That’s the thing that I don’t think you understand. YOU chose this. You chose your pride over our friendship the second you chose to ignore my engagement. You chose to sit in your silence and self-righteous anger. And then you chose to expect me to reach out to you. Instead of saying anything at all to me, I had to reach the end of my fucking rope before anything came out. I expected so much more from you as one of my supposed best friends. But if I’m being perfectly honest, our friendship has always been one sided. I’ve always tried so hard to make everything good and easy for you, I’ve always tried to listen to everything going on in your life long after you became a trigger for me. I killed myself in college staying up late to check on you because I loved you and because I cared so goddamned much. I did everything for you. You were my first priority for years. I couldn’t go to bed without telling you I loved you, or wake up without saying good morning. And I think that might have gone deeper for me than I cared to analyze. But it’s not like any of that matters anymore. You’ve got your own life to live, and thankfully, I have mine. I can’t continuously break my back for you and give you all the attention I used to, and I think our friendship suffered more because of that than anything else. Because I started putting myself before you. This is such a hard thing for me because I want so badly to make jabs and hurt you like I’m hurting but I don’t think you’d care. You like to freeze people out and make it seem like they were the problem. I’m sure you’ve already done that with me. I see the passive aggressive posts, the petty shit you have to say. At this point, I honestly wish I could just forget how to check on you. Because frankly, after everything, how fucking dare you

Original Post:

I’ve always been the type of person to check on old friends to make sure they’re okay, but you’ve got me on some bullshit. Yes honey, unfortunately there are things that will always remind me of you. I can’t wipe them from my memory. But the thing is, things will always remind you of me too. And my god, I hope it hurts. I hope you remember that you had someone who always fought to be in your corner, and that for whatever reason, you didn’t give a shit. I hope you wonder about me, and that you become curious and see how my life is progressing. I hope you ache over the lost invitation to my wedding, feel the gap at what would have been your presence in my children’s lives. I hope the reality of your decision to cut out what might have been a lifelong friendship really shakes you to the bone. Because as angry as I am, I am also heartbroken. Heartbroken over the pettiness and anger that’s been left in the wake of our friendship. And I’m sorry, but I’m not big enough to hope that it doesn’t hurt you, too. I hope it does.

1/11/18 - At this point, you’ve already read the first message. At this point, you’ve already made a post stating how you don’t care and then made your new blog right after. I had to add the above private post because I knew you weren’t going to care. I fucking knew it. But still I hoped. I miss you. And I’m angry at myself for missing you. I’m angry at myself for thinking about you at all. I wish I could separate myself from it all like you do. I wish I could keep myself from giving a shit. We were so close at one point. So close. And all for nothing. Goddammit Jen. I’m done being angry. Now I’m just sad. And it feels like that’s all falling into a void of nothingness because you don’t care. You just don’t care. I went into my old writing blog a few days ago and I found a bunch of posts I’d written while in college. All worrying about you, all talking about how I wanted to help you. I gave so much of myself to you…for what. I don’t know if I’ll keep adding to this post. I can’t imagine why you’d look at it again. I can’t figure out why you looked in the first place. I guess you’re still thinking about me too. This reminds me a lot of those Skype screenshots where the best friend died and the other best friend kept sending messages. How sad is that?

02/19/2018 - I am so goddamned sad today. There's so much that reminds me of you and so much that I want to tell you about. I think I had a miscarriage. I wanted to talk to you about that. I wanted to talk to you about everything. My job, my coworkers, Cam. You're supposed to be part of my life. I'm still dealing with the absence. It's been 6 months?? I'm just sad. Happy 27th Birthday babes. I really really hope you have a good day. I wish I had the guts to text you, but I'm scared of your reaction. I'll think about it.

05/10/19

I had a son. His name is Anduin Elliot. He was born on March 28th. Your mom and your sister both congratulated me. They both know he exists, what he looks like. I wonder if you do. My entire pregnancy came and went without you. This huge life change came and went without you. There was a card I got mid way through from some sort of advertising company trying to market baby things to me. They sent me a handwritten card with a bunch of coupons inside. The card was signed by someone named Jen. I can't describe to you the ache that the sight left in my chest. I cried over that stupid letter because I imagined what it might have been like to actually get a letter from you congratulating me on my son. My SON Jen. My heart still hurts every day. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad. Most days I just wish I could forget. But I can't. And I don't. I think about you every day. And for the life of me, I wish I didn't. I hope you think about me. I hope that theres a world out there where I get to share the most beautiful thing I've ever done with you. I hope that one day soon I can let go.

07/24/2019

I wish I knew how to stop checking up on you. It's like some sort of sick routine? I wonder how you're doing, I start to worry, then I check your blogs. I still hope for updates, I still hope to find out if you're doing okay. I still hope that you're happy. And in the midst of all that I'm resentful. I'm resentful that you are so in my head.

I saw your post about bringing your OC's back, that you weren't sure if you could write them without me. A really selfish part of me hopes you cant. That my ability to write with you is what made those characters what they are. Another part of me hopes that you will. I'm not sure if that's because I'm hoping you'll remember the good parts of our friendship and miss me, or if seeing those characters exist without me will help me just forget. I dont know.

One of your old friends reached out to me. I have no clue how she found me, or how she found this post. Probably did a little digging, but I guess you got into her head pretty good too. She told me that you two used to be really close, and then you cut her off without explanation. Do you do this to people? Bring them close and use them until you can't? Did you do that to me?

I dreamt about you a few weeks ago. I dreamt that we were at a house together, and that you were meeting Anduin for the first time. I could see you holding him and talking to him and I was so happy in a really distant way, like even in my sleep I knew it wasnt actually happening. It broke my heart when I woke up.

I dont know what the point of adding to this anymore is. Sometimes I think about what it would be like for you to reach out and apologize. Sometimes I wonder if we would even be able to bridge this gap. I doubt it. I'm just so good at holding on to the past and you were part of such an interesting part of my life. Its hard to separate you from it all. I'm waiting for the hurting to stop. It's a lot easier to be angry.

#personal #filed under: keep on walking

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wallkickswillwork · 7 years

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signal jamming

incoherency is comforting because of the narrative weve been fed our whole entire lives that in order to be palatable media must in some way be complete and have beveled, well-defined edges rather than being a mess of finger paints, bright colors, strange dialogues and verbiage, build trees of moods.

thoughts on: -futuristic anime, 90s anime and the unique sense of mood in toonami shows. they are a very good series of shows for people who are coming of age and who must slowly be forced to reckon with the industrialization and mercenary nature of adult life, as it is increasingly held captive by capitalism. there is also something essentially spiritual about it, especially shows like precure and dbz, where an interior or exterior-made-interior force is responsible for the protagonists' success in the face of an oppressive world-system. under capitalism, it frequently is the case that the entire world or entirety-of-world is against us. heroes must overcome overwhelming odds to leave their mark on a gauntlet of greats. -cowboy bebop, final fantasy 7, metroid as meditations on loss, urbanization, dating back to blade runner. this is a type of meditation that is present in much of cyberpunk, but its also not exclusively cyberpunk, and can extend in nature to non-cyberpunk works.

thinking about necrobarista and how its attempting to "resuscitate" anime, while this approach doesnt really examine what contemporary anime like jojos, precure, and slightly more dated anime like hidaske and nichijou do well. if we get all this tunnel vision for gurren lagann and flcl we can never look forward. i think a lot of the visual work that needs to be done is probably in movies. i think maybe there could be work done to marry cinema proper with its animated counterpart. steven universe seems like it gets it, and there are some anime that really seemed like they got it. i dont think were beyond salvation.

-listening to the whos "tommy" and thinking about how trauma and the humanity of that trauma is experienced and lived-through by the main character in socratic fashion. these stories are discussed by people whose actual, authentic experience of trauma irl is doubtful at best. they are great successes on stage who dont struggle in the sense that an actual victim would struggle. calls to mind how a lot of freuds patients would fabricate csa in order to fulfill the expectations of the therapist. but in other cases, actual patients with csa would repress their experiences or not feel comfortable discussing. so thats how i feel about gurus like meher baba or i guess alan watts. less trustworthy and more like scam artists. i do believe in what they teach, however. i think that a guru can teach the truth even if that guru is a liar. maybe its the truth, but the guru doesnt know it to be true, or else, the way the guru teaches it is untrue.

-for a while i imagined my own autism to be the result of childhood trauma that was repressed, but later emerged that those memories were fabricated, to my knowledge, and was left wondering.

-learning to regard the world with a sense of wonder from media like cowboy bebop and ff7. these worlds are jaded and decaying realities but there is a sense of awe at the vast, uncompromising reality. truly vast, sprawling and yawning cities and vast starry skies up above. beholding these things and beholding the starry skies and huge cities of our own planet surely stirs something in me.

-fantasy anime tends to go the joke route like slayers or else the route of "we are all kids, bro, stuck in an mmo" and i think this is mostly due to the admittedly antiquated setting of high fantasy in european trochets and history which to japanese people probably feel like white person set dressing and as they should, i mean. there are more high fantasy themes in something like inuyasha and japans history can be feudal, edo, the meiji restoration, primordial like princess mononoke, etc, so theres more wiggle room for historical works there. slayers et al is usually reduced to "characters moving around the forest" which is almost like this grand slice of the collective anime consciousness as it stands overlapping with, say, pokemon, to the extent where its one of the cliche anime things everyone thinks about, alongside high school, robots, nurses, etc.

-another thing to which we could probably ascribe the success of something like slayers to is wizardry and by proxy dragon quest. small graph paper monster garden games. the appeal is entirely mathematical so there are only a few directions that anime directors tend to run with it (goofy gag comedy if youre making a show or cut and dried authentic dungeon crawlers with moe characters instead of the usual dbz ones). going off what you definitely learn in japanese history class if youre a japanese student, for starters, there are thousands of years of chinese history, so you have romance of 3 kingdoms type stuff. or you have high school romances accounting for the various fire emblems where the appeal becomes game of thronesy "which of my characters in dragon quest land can i make kiss each other and myself", very good ground to cover as we start asking the important questions. theres samurai stuff as we already know, drawing on years of samurai media, kurosawas films and zen spirituality, art of the blade type stuff, jeet kune do in some instances and reaching so far afield as to probably raise some interesting and important questions about pan-asiatic cultural identity which this author (white) is ill-advised to answer. but reeling it back in, the question mostly being of history, and how a lot of fantasy media draws more from History proper as a codified cultural body than histories being individuated familial experiences. its true that when a work does something unique with history (earthbounds hippy dippy approach to the 1960s, undertales handling of furry culture, yume nikkis south american murals) its tended to be seen as that works "thing" as if because hulk hogan was an all american wrestler that precluded john cena from being same, or at least, embodying a similar if slightly modified niche. nobody can make a hippy dippy rpg now or something because itd just be called an earthbound ripoff rather than a loving homage. and i think thats wrong headed and how genres become stillborn rather than invented and developed upon. we have this vast morass of stuff from the 20th century and we could be developing various 60s, 70s, 80s fantasies. hindsight is 20/20 i guess. who knows, we could see bluff city become something in 50 years time.

i feel this is because of extreme stringent expectations of intellectual property laws and their dissemination into everyday discourse online. i dont really like or agree with monolithic cultural expectations like intellectual property or *shudder* advertising, but only to the extent where i can acknowledge that whether or not i agree with them is irrelevant to their all-consuming scope and the need for marxists to actively combat them. its one thing to say "x is bad" and another to clamor for urgency of fighting x, which is, if you believe what we read every day about global warming, too late, so its not important. nevertheless there are a multiplicity of settings that could be developed into genres and identities and ideologues that rarely are if only because it would be seen as "oh yeah like that other thing". people are fickle and develop dwarflike strange moods when it comes to defining what constitutes original versus hackneyed and derivative. i think its mostly dictated by star signs and the weather.

so lately if you follow me on twitter youve probably noticed im doing sort of a tweet concrete kind of thing where i post plaintext quotes from various media taken out of context. i decided to do this for a while, maybe a few weeks, because aesthetic blogs and the aesthetic style of blogging allow me to pool and channel my energies towards larger and more ambitious styles of writing. i usually get loaded on caffeine during this process and frequently watch large amounts of anime and meditate some. its definitely a process and its geared toward something hazily, vaguely spiritual but with pretentions toward being authentically publishable as theory. the idea also being i would like to make some money to support my livelihood, and i like to write, and am somewhat skilled at it, or at least experienced in kind of a ramshackle homespun sort of way. so if my social media presence is pretty boring and kind of weirdly nostalgic or else contrariwise if you feel it has improved lately thats the reason why that happened.

ive been getting very hazy and foggy mentally lately. i feel like it has to do with caffeination and lack of sleep. its important to get everything flowing properly, and sometimes depression and anxiety make that difficult to do. theres anxiety over unemployment, something im trying to remedy, and theres anxiety over theory and where to proceed next via theory. for years i was a devout buddhist in some ways, and meditated a lot, almost every day. i prayed to the bodhisattvas and copped to buddhist metaphysics, something which, based around personal life experience, i had every reason to believe was true. lately and in my own, strange way, ive begun to question this ideology and interpret it as part of a patchwork of ideologies, each one which attempts to describe a totality, a totality which is rarely if ever described properly by any ideology. grasping at straws in a structural sense, and feeling nonplussed but with no ground to run to, and im back on the boss level in super mario 64 where bowser smashes the ground to make it fall away. attempts at restructuring as this dissolution transpires only serve to create new protocols equal in scope to pre-existing paradigms. and there are plenty of people who dont struggle this much with religion and probably still go to heaven, or think theyre going to heaven, or something. hows marge and the kids. did jerry get that new promotion. mom just got back from vacation in cancun. smalltalk style concerns arising in every day transitionary speech feel distinct and very distant from these kind of hazy, pie in the sky questions. plato never wrote about the kind of stuff you see in a cheers episode. there are philosophy books that try to merge the two, but they usually get shelved in the comedy section.

so its mostly a matter of trying to absorb and contain new information, which abides in abundance, and trying to corral it into sort of a pointing arrow to direct me where to go, in my hewing, a feat not easily done. probably the endgame is in the crafting and solution of art, but what kind of art, and whether i have the tools at my disposal to even create it, is less easily answered. so for now, i guess, im absorbing, waiting, asking questions, and who knows, and who can say.

earliest memories of religion are of the greco roman religion and not knowing about the mystery religious rites but knowing about an abstract concept of wisdom and the ocean and extrapolating the existence of athena and poseidon in that way. later i have memories of exposure to christianity and buddhism and bahai but none of these things feel particularly useful to me at this time in my life. i can more readily receive a picture, a kind of enlarged image, of a broad religious landscape and some of the questions it attempts to provide answers for, or at least, a way of thinking about. the greco roman religion, for instance, is a presentation of a deleuzian multiplicity, and the monotheistic religions are a monad, but i also dont think either of these things can say the other is inherently undesireable. tolerance seems to be the best method, but also, and likewise, not dwelling specifically in any of them. acknowledging they all exist, but not being any of them. enjoying in surfeit the tension between multiplicity and monad. that there can be many things and one thing. like the album cover of dark side of the moon.

#txt #text #religion #philosophy #dead ends?#thoughts

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