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lumikore · 5 months

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My Medic loadout I still don't know if he's an oc or not I guess he could be categorised as self insert oc but he's not really he's just my loadout guy but I do imagine him in my head in little scenarios mostly like stuff that would happen to me ingame and he acts like how I would but he's a little more mean and depressed like another day another dollar kinda vibe yknow so he's not me but he kind of is like he's my loadout yknow that's what other people see when they see me playing medic but also I don't 'kin' medic or anything like that if anything I think I'm most like engineer if I had to pick one Idk maybe he's a tf2-sona if that's a thing he's not exactly like me but he kind of represents me I mean he's my pfp as well on here and on Steam and on yt maybe he's like a mascot for my brand like Ronald McDonald or Chuck E Cheese but for Lumikore Tf2 Drawings And Etc Incorporated you feel me but like I also have hcs for him I guess they're canon if he's my character but anyway I think he plays the harp which well I mean I play the harp so I guess I'm projecting onto him a little bit there but it's ok like I project onto every single character I make ever it doesn't mean it's me it just means it is influenced by me which of course it's going to be if I made it and guys sorry for not using commas or full stops I can't help it this is what my thoughts sound like to me and it feels really weird and unnatural when I have to add pauses instead of just connecting all my thoughts in one sentence like how they come to me in my brain I didn't sleep very well last night btw so I'm kinda going a little crazy I slept 4 hours and then got up at midnight to eat strawberries and cherries and prosciutto and brie as stated in my other post and then tried to go back to sleep but it didn't work so I just layed awake for a bit now it's about 11:30 and I'm quite tired now thinking about it but I mustn't have a nap or my sleep cycle will get even worse and it also just occurred to me no one wants to read this and I think I got a little off topic as well but if I write a big enough wall of text peole will have no choice but to see it and think wow what is this guy on about that he needs to write so much under a little drawing post guys write Krampus in the comments if you read this far I'm also kind of sad rn about Krampus because after the event is over I'll have to wait another year before I can see my lovely wife Krampus again and she's gonna be so lonely without me like what does she do all year stay at home all alone it's sad really who's going to give her love and attention while I'm off fighting in the war (2fort) and genuinely aside from Krampus I really like the Smissmas maps especially Carrier and Galleria I don't really like Haarp it's very confusing and stressful but still I hope some of them stay throughout the year because I just know if they only come back in December then they will get hardly any players ever again cause people want to play the new maps every year and I think I should stop writing so I can go play tf2 now so I can play the event maps before they're gone so bye.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 medic #medic tf2 #tf2 fanart #tf2 medic oc #tf2 oc #stream of consciousness

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swampstew · 10 months

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Period HCs with Monster Trio + Law, Killer, and Kid

Ya girl is wracked with cramps, overflowing with emotions, and seriously lacking in chocolate :( enjoy this utter nonsense my blazed brain baked as I curl back into fetal position.

Summary: Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Law, Killer, and Kid ranked by how they would handle themselves while you have your period. Implied established relationship♡

Minors DNI.

The worst actually. Not on purpose but Luffy's lack of awareness or self-restraint makes it difficult to appreciate his efforts. Not to mention he eats your snacks. You'd think with Nami and Robin on board he'd have some idea of what you're dealing with. Nope, you have to explain it again, it'll stick this time but it comes with another round of curious/invasive questions.

All your period comfort foods? Gone. The replacements? Also gone. You're lucky if there's a crumb of your favorite snack left over. Thankfully for everyone involved, his crew lends him a hand to make sure you're (eventually) satiated with alternatives and don't go on a murder spree during your cravings. On the flip side, Luffy abuses his power as Captain to have Sanji bring you both all the food when the kitchen is finally restocked. Good luck and bite him back if you have to!

His saving grace is using Gear 2 to cuddle and keep you warm. Giving you heated massages, foot and belly rubs until you're purring like a kitten. Unfortunately, he can only do the same thing for so long before growing bored. He needs a lot of intermittent breaks.

Has no tact, will ask you uncomfortable questions about your "thing going on" or your "comma" because he's so very curious and maybe also looking for ways to "fix you." Once he finds out about period poops, its over for you - there will be hourly check-ins. He'll make sure you're well stocked up on absorption products so there's that (also say thank you Nami, Robin and Franky)!

Zoro is shockingly adaptable but I guess if you spend enough time with one girl for two years - and also live with 2 full time - you're gonna learn a thing or two about having a period. Also, surprisingly reliable at getting you what you need, so long as you don't mind 2 hours to 2 business days to get it. Look he's trying ok?!

Be careful with what you say though. If you joke about cutting your uterus out, he'll take you at face value and have his blades ready. No one is a better slice master than he! Why is Chopper having a heart attack? BRB gotta tend to the younger bro.

Is not phased by your bodily changes or anything you might perceive to be "gross." Bodies are natural and they're just doing what they're meant to do, and for what it's worth he's trying to say things that will make you feel better but they don't always land. This comes from a guy who showers maybe twice a week so take the compliments as you will. He means them with his whole heart!

Out of all the guys, he's the only one who will respect your craving habits in a supportive way. That's to say he'll give you everything you want, but he knows when to cut you off before you make yourself sick. He also has a (terrifying) gift of knowing when your body is flushing itself out and he'll be right at your side with a tampon or pad in his hand at the ready. "I'm very in sync with you."

Ranks third because he's so fucking logical and doctorly. The kind of doctor that expects his medical advice and prognosis to outweigh your personal experience/feelings. Has Law ever experienced intense cramping and a headache while gushing a pint of blood and also pulled a full day's shift? No! "Doctoring" immediately invalid. Unless he gives you paid time off in which case his license is once again formally recognized.

On the OTHER hand, he will always have a colorful variety of options for you to take care of your personal business. He buys all biodegradable products, recyclable ones too! He also offers the best choices in birth control for you. Gynecology wasn't his specialty but taking care of his crew is so he studies and gets his license on the downlow.

Is VERY particular about his time spent and frankly, cuddling in bed isn't something he's entirely excited about. Sure he can do it with Bepo but that's like sleeping with a teddy bear you've had your whole life. Another person is different, especially one that needs his undivided attention and comfort. He'll give it and he won't complain about it, but he's not familiar with it and might be awkward at it for a time. Once he figures out what works best for you and let's himself relax around you, he's got the cuddling and rubbing your belly/lower back down to an exact science.

Questionable palate offerings when he first experiences your cravings. You had to teach him what's what when it comes to comfort eating and nutritional eating when you're in pain and your brain feels a bit scrambled from existing. Ikkaku had tried in the past to broaden the snack closet but it never stuck. With you, Law suddenly remembers to get things outside of his own personal preferences and comforts. It's comfort food for the BEPERIODED, LAW.

It's entirely because he's a chef and a well-groomed cutie that he ranks this highly. Honestly it was neck and neck between him and Law. His resume in the kitchen makes you forget about his perviness and near-infantilization of you.

You'll never have a craving unsatisfied because Sanji will go to the ends of the Earth to curb your hunger. The One Piece and All Blue can wait, his darling needs a rich, velvety chocolate mousse two minutes ago! He absolutely spoils you which may lead to overstuffing you until you feel worse than how the cramps made you feel.

Sanji waits on you hand and foot during your period. Practically carries you from point A to point B if you so wish. It might get annoying after a while if you don't like a hot blonde popping in your face every 10 minutes to offer you something you knew you needed but didn't know you needed right that second and you're kind of annoyed that he got it before you could even vocalize your own needs! Does that happen to anyone else or...? If you're into that pampered lifestyle, Sanji is the guy for you.

He wasn't around women a lot but living with Robin and Nami he did learn about products used and comfort items sought out, which he gives you in abundance. Sanji's weakness - period boobies. The slight swell has him a blubbering mess and he will always try to sneak a peek. He may or may not be able to smell your pheromones - its unclear but he is definitely sniffing you from time to time.

The clear winner out of the others its not even a joke. Is the trifecta of caring, supportive, and intuitive. The Period Manager™ everyone else should go back to their ship. No I am not biased.

Killer is the Chef of Carbo-loading but he knows his way around the kitchen and can make anything you desire at any given time. Desserts aren't his strongest suit but its the effort that makes it taste all the sweeter. You will never be without chocolate, praise be.

You've seen him so you know he knows muscles. Yours will become putty in his hands as he gently massages your aching body. With the help of low dose pain killers, Killer will slay your pain one sore muscle at a time.

Killer is so intuitive that he knows you have your period before you. Has your cubby on the bathroom countertop that includes: pads, tampons, flow-cup, aspirin, fuzzy socks, eye mask, and bottled juice. Your robe is hanging behind the door. He loves you so much.

Haha bitch you though. Kid is the true winner. Killer was the favored winner but you might have forgotten this is me we're talking about and Kid has never done anything wrong in his life ever. I support all his rights and wrongs, and I cheerlead at every speck of effort he puts in.

Where everyone else had mentors or positive authority figures to bond with, Kid had Killer - and Killer tried his fucking best. But not even someone as amazing as Killer can be a single mom and raise a mentally stable, well functioning person in society in a corrupted, gang-ruled regime. HOWEVER - Killer did teach Kid how to treat his period-having partner during their woes and Kid's success is Killer's pride and joy.

Like Luffy, Kid will definitely swipe your snacks and food because he's a greedy, greedy glutton. Prove you can bark back at him to stand your ground and he'll yield to you with a scoff and a pout. He doesn't even LIKE your snacks, he claims🙄 He'll make sure you have enough to satisfy your craving and then have a month supply in the hull of the ship just in case. This is where he'll sneak a few for himself without your notice.

Being the King of Treating Himself, Kid will generously make you things to comfort you. A weighted, heat-controlled blanket; a vibrating teddy bear that hugs your belly; a snack organizer to keep your preferences nearby; a personal cold/hot water cooler; pretty things to make you smile; dirty things to excite you for when its over; the gifts are boundless. So are the period products that he basically just steals from the other women in the crew.

“Captain you better reimburse me for those heavy flow tampons!!”

“I’m busy Quincy. Go bitch to the piggy bank (Wire) about it!!!”

“KILLER STOP THAT MAN!”

In his line of work, he's used to nitty gritty and things better left to the imagination. Also a bit grimy himself on occasion. That said, nothing your body does will ever disgust him. He rolls with whatever you throw at him. Bloodied bedsheets? He'll gently toss you and the sheets in the tub. He'll help clean out your soiled clothes. Buy or steal whatever you need to ease your comfort. Embarrassed by the way you feel or look? He'll give you a reassuring kiss on the cheek and say, "Eh, I've seen/heard/smelled worse."

#eustass kid #eustasscaptainkid #eustass kid x you #trafalgar law #massacre soldier killer #black leg sanji #roronoa zoro #swampstew #swampstew bedtime stories #swampstew stories #killer x you #sanji x you #roronoa zoro x you #monkey d luffy #luffy x you #law x you

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missamyrisa2 · 2 months

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15 questions for 15 friends:

Thanks for thinking of me for these questions, @lady-featherquill ~ this is like mmmmh a certain kind of tingle blushhh tickle for me to be called on~

Were you named after anyone?: Yess I was named after Burl Ives, but you wouldn't know it because I spell and pronounce my name differently~

When was the last time you cried?: I made the mistake of thinking about The Lion King a few hours ago~

Do you have kids?: I make kids all the time. Like crying over the lion king because I randomly was thinking about how real to life the animation was of Simba pulling on Mufasa's ear and holygodddddd he was trying to wake his dad up whyyyyyyy are animators so supremely great at heartsqueezing~~~ I'm just kidding. That was a kid.

What sports do you play/have you played?: all of them I think~ I live by the fake it until you make it mindset and I'm still figuring out the latter part of that. But I did study pickleball thoroughly under its venerable founder, The Earl of Pickle

Do you use sarcasm?: William Shakesman said that's the lowest form of brevity so I try to avoid it whenever possible, also I'm horrendously bad at it to where I sound completely sincere and this has resulted in one too many punches to the face because, surprisingly if you poorly sarcastically announce you'd really love to be just hit in the face there are a LOT of people who are all too eager to jump in~

What is the first thing you notice about people?: That they're always trying to figure out if I hate them because I had a fairly consistent RBF crossed with an inclination to be mysterious. Through online interactions I first take note of their comma frequency because that says so much about a person's Oxford-related preferences.

What's your eye color?: Blue or green or grey depending which type of light you shove in my face, followed by whatever my eyelid is because moonlight makes me squint

Scary movies or happy endings?: I like the ones where nothing is really resolved and the story just sort of stops because everyone gave up and it was probably lunchtime so f*ck it~

Any talents?: I can do a hair flip like nobody's business, which is to say no one should ever be in the business of doing such hair flips because I've knocked over more cups and hit my head on more things than anyone should do in five lifetimes.

Where were you born?: I'm fairly certain I've always been, because whenever I attempt to find the record of my birth Mr. Tumnus plays an enchanting tune and I wake up in a cold room.

What are your hobbies?: arguing on the Internet and street corners why Fullmetal Alchemist 2003 is better than Brotherhood. I took up the hobby after some guy stole my bicycle which was an outrage, but that was his hobby and he imparted the wisdom which set me on my path which is that a hobby is something that makes you completely miserable and spreads that misery onto anyone unfortunate enough to share your space.

Do you have any pets?: No, no one ever wants to pet me and it's probably because of the below answer

How tall are you?: 6'2

Favorite subject in school?: History. Not so much for the subject matter but because memorizing facts comes obscenely easy to me and I loved writing excessively lengthy essays which went nowhere and were loaded with as many funny words as I could muster like trying to relate an unrelated event to the future of filibustering.

Dream job?: Tending a lighthouse so I could make giant shadowpuppets over the water and make alligator mouths eat the ships.

Join in and pass it on if you can. Don't feel obligated!

@witchy-giggles @atomiccollectorwitch @crystalstarlight4657 @opossumgirltongue @adventuresofmelody @greenticklerdreams @juviisworld @dusktexanler @polsj103 @fuzzypilled @androgynousangeldreamland @daisylovestickles @yourgothgfswitch @magicaltickles @giggliestgirl

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brf-rumortrackinganon · 1 month

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Have to say though, it's pretty embarassing for Invictus if they have to beg so publicly for royal support inspite of having Harry, their resident royal oatron and founder. Harry is pretty shameless and his wife is no better, so I'd also believe it of this weird pr narrative is coming directly from Harry and his new UK based comma team. He is a professional victim, so pretty on- brand for him to blame the BRf and shame them into supporting veterans.

Speaking of his new comma team, why do you think this is? Why have they made such a big song and dance of hiring a UK based PR guy? Logical it doesn't make sense that their main PR and marketing guy would be based out of London when they are based in California. Time zones and cultural differences would make this an impossible undertaking, considering how gung ho they both are about their image and visibility. And they don't have enough UK based projects to justify habit a London arm of marketing. So, what do you think is happening behind the scenes with them? Something odd is surely up.

I think the Sussexes are setting up for Birmingham 2027 Invictus Games. They may be planning to use those Games to try and bully their way back into the British public’s hearts and part-time status.

It could also be part of their strategic plan to steal the leadership of the Commonwealth from William, as Lady C has been speculating this week.

It is interesting that the other finalist for the 2027 Games is Washington DC. I hadn’t heard anything about them bidding and it would’ve been the mayor’s office doing the paperwork, not the White House or the federal government. As you may have noticed yesterday, I have feelings about a DC Invictus Games. After sleeping on it, I think if Invictus Games comes to the US, then it needs to merge with the Warrior Games for the occasion. There’s no need to have two separate sporting events for the same community of people the same year.

#sussexes #invictus games

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ofoceansandtombsanew · 2 months

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taking away mc ships, what are you shipping in the our life cinematic universe?

okay so mcs are all off the table damn

hhhHHHHNNNNGHHH i had to think about this one for a minute

quick tldr:

lee/ren

derek/ren

baxter/liz

cove/baxter

opal/cliff

vianca/liz

serenity/tamarack

cove/tamarack

derek/tamarack

derek/qiu

okay so my first one might be a hear me out-er butー lee and ren. our sweet cousin lee and ren murray. LIKE CAN Y'ALL SEE MY VISION??? they would be the cutest girlfriends. like, lee is bright and forward but she's gentle and patient enough that ren's shyness wouldn't be something that grates her? and she'd gently coax ren out of her shell

lee doesn't give 'outdoorsy' girl, but she would definitely try out camping and hiking for ren because lee's the type to go out of her way like that. so yeah, definitely ship lee and ren for sure

another compatible person for ren that i can see is derek? like omg that would so fucking cute to me! both of them are sportsy, derek is literally a golden retriever in the shape of a person. he's very considerate and he takes that into account if ren comes over to hang out with his family, knowing when she needs her space

but if derek is putting too much pressure on himself, ren is there to tell him just that. she doesn't say it unkindly though. she just wants her bf to not be his biggest critic. and they love doing any outdoor activity together. when they get their families together, its suarezs versus murrays and afterwards they go to a family restaurant and talk the night away

ironically enough, even though baxter had a canonical crush on qiu when they were kids i don't see it moving past that. it's a crush fond to baxter's heart and he keeps it at that, a fond memory. definitely would never tell them ever. but if i was gonna ship him with anybody in the expansive universe of ol...

hear me out but i feel like liz and baxter would be surprisingly compatible. like, she doesn't take any bs and would get the guy to talk and open up. but if someone comes for him, she is right there in his corner ready to bat for her man. they'd have some good banter as well i think?

i think cove and baxter could also work if it's their step 4 selves. baxter is finally done running away from things and being more genuine and vulnerable and while cove is slow to warm up to people, he would see baxter is trying and slowly but surely their "we only hangout if our mutual friends invite us to the same space" turns into texting each of their own accord and eventually that becomes hanging out of their own accord

then the next thing you know, baxter is asking cove out on a date

oooh yes, i see it more clearly. cove and baxter would be a delicious slowburn for sure, it's drinking and leaving no molecules

i ship opal and yusuf together and i'm really hoping something comes from that when we get the full game however comma.... opal and cliff? i kinda see it and it kinda eats

outside of vianca's canonical gf, vianca and liz give power couple vibes. i don't think i need to expand on that, we all know i'm right and we all know it would eat

if i can't be with my autumn queen tamarack, i would want her to date serenity? they just seem like they would be the cutest cottage core gf/goth gf combination and the two friends in the group that everyone goes to for advice/drama. they gossip about it over tea and still they're the most wholesome couple you know

cove and tamarack also just seem like they'd be very cute together? summer boyfriend meets autumn girlfriend. in a childhood neighbors to friends to lovers type beat, i know they wouldn't get along as their step 1 selves. cove would be pretty put off by how loud and wild tam was at first. plus, neither of them would really like the same activities as the other

tamarack finds the beach boring and stagnant because she's a forest girlie and it isn't like cove is one to just be in the forest and forage mushrooms all day. but during one night when cove tries running away, strangely enough it's the loud girl he doesn't normally enjoy being with sticking with him the whole time and a friendship is birthed from that

step 2, cove is so there for tamarack when she is dealing with everything with her parents. and by step 3, he's telling tamarack he's been in love with with her since they were teens

chef's kiss, cove/tamarack hits different

step 1 derek sees this:

and immediately falls in love, i don't think i need to expand further on that. y'all know how derek is and i feel like everything i said about cove comforting tam can be applied here as well. he'd try to shoot his shot with making a marriage promise with tam too i see it very clearly

and, don't get mad at me for repeating myself but

step 1 derek sees this:

and immediately falls in love. but since qiu is a popular kid, good luck, my guy. at least derek can rest assured knowing that qiu's his good buddy and slightly more special than the rest. i think with qiu he might feel too nervous to do the marriage promise thing since qiu is a popular kid and who knows if he's already received a ton of those

in a scenario where they aren't close as step 1 folk though or qiu pushes derek away during their step 2 phase, derek is hurt but he still tries putting in the effort to rebuild that bridge, letting qiu know he's there regardless of what they're going through until finally... qiu reaches back

they had their ups and their downs but qiu appreciates derek not giving up on them and sticking with them through the hard times

by the time qiu is back to their normal rizzler self, derek's busy with sports and it is hard for them to meet up with each other but they stay in contact. but step 4 would be when they get together because derek let's it drop he had a crush on qiu when they were kids "haha definitely over it NOW though" (he is not)

qiu gains a crush on derek between steps 2 and 3 but never said anything because they kinda felt after being such a jerk to derek during a good chunk of high school, he doesn't deserve to pursue him but after hearing derek had a crush on him qiu decides they're gonna shoot their shot (happy ending ofc though)

i'm leaving terry and randy out of this though, they're too fucking cute for me to separate

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bfiaflbox · 6 months

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So this is how it starts - Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Pairing: Matty x original female character

Warnings: drinking, smoking, swearing; mentions of: misoginy, cancer (in the past), infertility

Disclaimer: some of what the ofc is experiencing is rooted in my lived reality, however I lie for plot purposes a lot. I draw inspiration from things that I read somewhere or that actually happened to me or my friends. It's not proof read and English is my second languageso there's either too many commas or not enough commas.

Further disclaimer: yes I know it's not *that* hard to wrap a pan, it's very hard however to make it look nice...

"So you and Matty hit it off last night" it's not a question.

I'm on the phone with Carly after a "call me when you get this" message she sent me at 7am the following Saturday.

"Why would you think that??"

"Adam literally showed me the group chat where Matty called you "fit"" she laughs.

"Fucking hell, that sounds like we're back in year 9" I roll my eyes although she can't see it.

"Don't avoid the subject. What happened after you guys left for the tube station" she makes it sound like a conspiracy.

"We did just that. We went to the tube station and then home"

"I feel like you're leaving out *a lot* of details and one to three major plot points"

"fiiiine" i groan but have to laugh as well "it's ridiculous. Halfway down the road we decided to get another drink. We sat in a bar and talked until we were thrown out and then we went home"

"Liar"

"Not a lie" technically.

"Come oooon, I haven't been on a date in *ages*! I live vicariously through you" I hear Adam saying something in the background that I can't quite make out and they both giggle at something.

"I have to insist that this definitely wasn't a date and it really wasn't that exciting. Anyway, like I said, halfway down the road to the tube station Matty asked if I really wanted to go home or if I was up to get a drink with him. I said yes and so we went to a pub that was kind of crowded but we managed to get a seat at the bar. We talked about ... anything really. He thought it was kind of unfair that I had a pretty much clear Idea of what he does for a living and asked about being a tattoo artist and running a shop and all that. He told me about BJJ, I told him about growing up with five siblings. We got a bit drunk and I think at some point I kind of insulted him as "the queen of juxtaposition" or something, it was good fun...I think. Did I mention that we both were quite drunk? Fuck, I swear I made a proper fool out of myself."

"Yeah, you do that when you're drunk" Carly laughs.

"Thanks, I'm mortified... Well at some point he had to go to the toilet and some bloke thought he could take Matty's seat and chat me up. Next thing I know Matty's having a row with that guy and the bartender threw us out to prevent a pub fight."

"And there I was thinking you were thrown out because they were closing and you stayed that long because the conversation was just sooooo good" Carly interjects in a slightly mocking tone.

"Yeah, well, no. We had a laugh about it and went on to the tube station. Turned out he wasn't planning on taking the tube and just wanted to bring me. But yeah, that was it."

"Have you talked since?

"It's literally been nine hours and nope. I don't even have his number" fucking idiot not getting his number.

"Well that can be arranged, wait a sec"

My phone chimes with a message from Carly who just sent me Matty's contact info.

"Excuse you? You can't just give out personal information like that?!" I'm kind of glad she did though.

"Make it a good story at your guys' wedding and we're even"

////

Do I text or call? Text or call, text or call? I kind of want to hear his voice but I don't want to disturb hin in case he's in the middle of something. But calling is more personal, however, he doesn't even know I have his number and that's super creepy. Fuck, why is this so agonizing. Fuck it, I'll text him.

Me: Hey Matty, this is Hannah from last night. You know, the tall and pretty one :P Carly gave me your number in an act of rebellion against data security, hope you don't mind. Did you get home safe?

His answer comes in a matter of minutes.

Matty: Hello! Tall and pretty indeed. I did get home safe, although I feel like I should be the one asking you this.

Me: We're both alive and well it seems.

Matty: Good. Will you go on another date with me?

Me: What do you mean "another"?

Matty: Avoiding the question!

Me: Not avoiding, clarifying! but yes, I will go on a date with you.

Matty: Another! :)

Me: Seriously, is drunk shit talking and almost getting punched by some bloke your Idea of a date? That wasn't a proper date, my friend.

Matty: Who made you the Master of Proper Dates?

Me: Not you apparently

Matty: Also I would like to clarify that I do martial arts for self defense not to get into fights with random strangers.

Me: yeah keep telling yourself that

Matty: You're sassy, you know that?

Me: yeah, I do sometimes hang out with myself.

Matty: About that date... You free Friday?

Almost one whole week? My heart sinks a tiny little bit.

Me: yes, I'm free Friday.

Matty: Then it's a date. The second one.

Me: Serisously, that's such a weird hill to die on

///

On Sunday he sends me a picture of him in a park with Adam and Baby Hann and captions it: "Is it possible we have a favorite person in common?". I know he's referring to the child but I can't help but reply "I don't like Adam *that* much??" which earns me a bunch of laughing emojis.

///

On Monday I send him a photo of my super messy kitchen after trying to cook a halfway decent meal and caption it with "if one of your future date ideas involves cooking, I'm out" to which he replies: "A woman who doesn't love to cook? you will never make a man happy :P"

///

He calls me on Tuesday evening just as I'm in the middle of wrapping Christmas presents. "What are you up to at the moment?" he asks innocently enough.

"I'm trying to not lose my mind while gift wrapping?"

"For Christmas?? It's only the beginning of December!"

"And I hate Christmas shopping so each year I make one day at the beginning of December designated Christmas-present-day where I get all the gifts I need to get so I can relax for a whole year after that. Except for the part where I need to figure out how to wrap a pan"

"A pan?"

"Yeah you know the cooking thing. It's almost like a pot but..."

"I know what a pan is, woman" he laughs.

"It sounded like you wanted an explanation. I'm not judging, there are a lot of complicated words."

"you're such a menace. I meant why are you giving away pans for Christmas? that's a bit of a... weird gift?" he's still laughing.

„Hey, it's a nice pan and my sister-in-law asked for one, I’m not weird, I promise“

"I can't believe I'm asking this but do you want help wrapping gifts?"

"You mean now?"

"Yeah, I'm still at the studio but that's not too far from where you said you lived"

"Honestly, Matty, that would save my sanity and my evening"

"Cool, then I'm coming over"

"The place is a mess and tiny so don't expect much"

"Seriously, Hannah, you don't cook, you don't clean, what ever are you doing with your time??" his tone is obviously mocking.

"Be nice, I have a pan to hit you with if you get too cheeky"

"Uuuh, maybe I'm into that??"

"Please, don't be?"

We both laugh, I give him my address and we hang up.

An hour later I open the door to an overly excited Matty holding a bottle of red wine and grinning from ear to ear.

He hands me the bottle and adds "It sounded like you could use the moral support"

"Matty, I have to confess something to you" I say in a serious tone.

His expression changes and he furrows his brow. "What is it? Is everything ok?"

"I'm afraid I'm more of a white wine girly" I say with a mocking sad expression and a pout

"Pffffff, I thought you liked that Malbec the other day just fine"

"And I felt like a proper French philosopher drinking it"

"Fucking French philosopher" he laughs.

I lead him into the living room where the epitome of the gift wrapping mess is located and get two glasses from the kitchen. He pours the wine, takes a glass and looks around.

"Cosy" he nods

"Messy" I sigh

"Did you manage to wrap the pan?"

"Not yet"

"Why don't you just put it in a box and wrap that?"

"Thought of that, but I don't have a box that fits the fucking thing"

"Ok teamwork then" He takes a sip of the wine, puts his glass down on the coffee table, claps his hands and goes "what do you need me to hold?"

And that is how Matty and I end up on my living room floor, me giving instructions and cutting tape, him holding the paper in place, until it is finally done and the fucking pan is wrapped in paper.

"You could turn it upside down, draw a face on it and sell it as a duck"

"No more experiments, I'm just happy the fucking thing is wrapped in something"

We drink some more wine and wrap some more gifts although none of them prove to be as challenging as the pan.

"Hey will you help me wrap my gifts... later in December... when I actually manage to get something?" he asks and for a second he seems kind of shy

"Only if there's wine again"

"Just tell me which wine you like"

"Pinot Grigio"

"Whatever that is"

"You're the wine nerd??"

"I never said that!" he laughs.

His phone he had placed on the coffee table, before making himself comfortable on the floor, rings. I instinctively look and see the caller ID says "Denise".

"Oh sorry, I have to get that" he takes the phone and goes to my tiny kitchen.

I try not to follow the conversation which is kind of impossible in my rather small flat. He doesn't say much but I can make out a "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow" and that he ends the call with "love you".

My heart sinks. He has a girlfriend? Of course he has. That was to be expected when I think about it. He's handsome, successful, fills arenas with girls who love him... and on top of that he's funny and lovely. What a fool am I to believe he could ever be interested in me...

Matty comes back in the living room and just says "Sorry 'bout that"

"'s alright" I mumble. Yeah good job hiding your disappointment.

"Actually I probably should get going, it's getting late and you most likely have work tomorrow?"

"I do, yeah... Thanks so much for your help and the wine" I try my best at a fake smile.

"See you Friday?" he asks and I almost answer that no we won't see each other on Friday and that the date is off since he's obviously not single and I don't date men who aren't single, but I also don't want to explain to him that I kind of listened to a private conversation of his so I just choke out a "hmm yeah, see you Friday" before closing the door behind him.

Chapter 3

#matty fic #matty healy #matty healy fanfic #matty healy fanfiction #the1975fanfic #matty healy x oc #Matty x oc #this is how it starts

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punctuation-completionist · 6 months

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@kraglynn

okay! i suppose we can do this then!

. ? ! , : ; ' " – — - · ... [ ] { } ( ) / < >

here's our list of punctuation at current moment .

(gonna like really quickly assume you know what the first four are for. they're easy. periods end sentences, question marks end sentences when the sentence is a question, exclamation points express emotion (raised tone i guess? it could be excitement. it could be annoyance. you get it), and commas break down sentences and whatever. you know commas.)

colon and semicolon are kinda like a comma in that they will subdivide sentences. some schools of grammar like to do this thing where they all are like. supposed to represent a period of time you should pause for? so it's like the period/question mark/exclamation point pauses longest, then the colon, then semicolon, then comma. it's a whole thing. i figure most of you also know how to use these

an apostrophe is for contractions! i'm pretty sure you also know this. quotation marks are for quoting things or occasionally as irony punctuation (called scare quotes in this case)

for the en dash and em dash, i'm going to refer you to either of these posts (though one of them is slightly off. there is technically a separate minus sign but some people use an en dash)

the hyphen (or technically hyphen-minus. don't worry about it. it changed when typewriters were invented so it's basically just the normal hyphen but i don't like it so) is used for hyphenated words. and names. you know the ones. look up a list of hyphenated words if you don't know any. some people use two hyphens in a row to be an em dash but that's kinda dumb. sorry.

the interpunct is mostly used in non-english languages honestly. in french it's cool because it thwarts the horrible gendering by being fun and making the word gender neutral (basically it's "word with masculine ending·feminine ending" as in étudiant·e . it's not official but like. no gender neutral stuff in french is official. so . i don't care.) but also it's in a lot of twitter screenshots so. and also also, sometimes i will count bullets as interpuncts because. it's easier. they're similar okay • vs · is fine (it actually bothers me but we can redecide on it later)

... you know ellipses right? sorry i'm busy, so i'll skip em. they're longer than a period in the length thing i think

[ ] brackets like these are mostly used for adding information, context, whatever to quotes! they're sometimes called square brackets. it's mostly just quotes.

{ } curvy brackets/braces are mostly used in math. they do have uses technically but like. they're mostly here because i didn't want to leave them out

(you know these too right?)

/ good ol' fashioned slash. not a backslash that's this guy \ anyways. this is used for like. either/or a lot. or pronouns. those are fun

< > these are technically the less than/greater than signs but they're honorary angle brackets because it's easier to type. proper angle brackets are these ⟨ ⟩ and they're used to offset parenthetical information if you're not using an em dash or parentheses for whatever reason. sometimes called chevrons. afaik the less than/greater than signs can be substituted unless you're like. writing something extremely formal. also sometimes used in comics to indicate something has been translated! also sometimes used to denote thoughts! ⟨hm should i call this a day now?⟩

yeah. that's good enough. but if you want more info on any specific punctuation, you can ask me more specifically and then i will answer it when i am less busy probably

#original posts #punctuation #for some stupid reason i am trying to do this between pieces at my orchestra performance tonight. apologies if it's rushed.#sorry so many of these punctuation marks are doing weird things where i made em weird. they're relying somewhat on like usage. because.#if i did every obscure mark then it would be very hard to complete #not counting

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thewebcomicsreview · 10 months

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See, this is a good submission, because the comic's only five pages and I can read and review it quickly.

So, two things immediately jump out at me

I'm not at all a fan of a giant "The Rusty Owl" logo in the middle of a tense execution scene. Not only is it distracting, it's not even useful as a watermark. Just put the URL at the bottom of the page, or even the gutter between panels. Or, if it's meant to be a title drop, have the dad's blood spell it out or something.

I'm also not a big fan of these Ninja Info Cards on every page. This stuff should be on the cast page (also, you should have a cast page). These profile panels seem to be a bit of a trend now in some comics, but they're just an extremely weak way of doing exposition. "Show, don't tell", as they say. This is especially true of your first few pages, which are so critical for hooking the reader. It's like I'm reading about your comic instead of reading your comic.

Compare and contrast the first page of Saffron and Sage. We know Saffron's the one with the axe, and Sage is the Fox. We know what Saffron' is trying to do, we know how she plans to achieve that goal, we know her personality, we know this other girl's personality and role, and we have a joke. Bing-bang-boom, no need for a card explaining anything. This is an in media res opening, but there are other ways of showing personality even in quieter waking up scenes.

Also, hiatus announcements should be under the comic, not in it. You can add a second image if you have to (I think? I don't know ComicFury), and then remove it later so archive readers don't see the 4th-wall breaking hiatus announcement months or years after it's needed. It just makes the comic look unprofessional. I guess in this case the "Crash" panel is just a sound effect on a black border so you just edit the page to extend black border, but...bluh.

Anyway, let's look at the comic proper, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to stop nitpicking!

First off, "Neb Honey" should probably be "Neb, honey?", and "Well, I mean, my plan was to find the bad guy, and shoot" doesn't need that comma after "bad guy". Secondly, the serif font looks kind of MS Word-y, which is even more notable because the text is left-justified instead of centered. Thirdly, you've shaded the tail of the word balloon in the first panel, as if it's a physical object. Fourthly, the tail is separated from the balloon itself by a line. Fifthly, the tail is ginormous wide compared to the balloon itself.

It's a little hard to explain what I mean by that in text, but google "Shouting word balloon" and look at the tails and you'll see what I'm trying to say.

Finally, the actual words are generic enough that it requires a another panel on the next page to explain it.

Like, this lettering is still not great, I did it in literally three minutes on MS paint using the free Anime Ace font, but the slight dialogue change goes a long way here at increasing the information density of the page. You don't need that extra panel in the next page, and can find a better use for that precious space. Also, this page is now more specific and thus more likely to grab the audience's attention. It's not "an excursion" with no plan, they're trying to stop a Portian who can teleport and they intend to shoot him. That's more exciting! Lead with that!

The good news here is that most of these things I'm picking on are relatively easy to fix (which is why I'm picking on them!). My recommendations are

Find a nicer font. I linked Anime Ace above, which is the font Saffron and Sage uses, but there's a ton out there better suited for comics.

Center your text when adding it to the comic

Add the text, then draw the balloon around it

Try and get a bit more information into those text boxes (while still keeping it natural). Getting a personality off and then expositing is fine and good, but can you do both in one panel? In one line? Could Neb have gone "Hey, Doc" in panel 1 there, greeting Stella while letting us know she was the Doctor? Or, could she have gone "Hello, Doctor Luna" while rolling her eyes, which would establish a relationship between them (probably not the one they're meant to have, but as as example). Asking yourself "Can I do more with this line" a lot will make you a better writer, and also save you a lot of unnecessary drawing.

#Misc #submission #the rusty owl

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titleleaf · 8 days

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🍌, 🍏, 🥝 for the ask game pls 😘

🍌 In your opinion, what’s the funniest joke/reference/pun you’ve made in a fic?

Oh no… unfortunately I think it's an excruciatingly dark and unpleasant joke in one of my Mindhunter fics, but referencing other Stephen King works in fic for The Stand (or frankly The Dark Tower) is one of life's great pleasures for me. In a pre-Captain Trips fic where Randall Flagg is sowing discord at a music industry party and chatting up Larry Underwood with evil intent:

"You've got what those guys had, except you're alive and kicking. What are they paying you these days, Larry? You don't have to tell me right now, but I know it's not enough. Right now at Columbia they're telling you you've been discovered and they think you'll be so grateful for anything at all — you're like the girl with pimples who gets voted prom queen. So happy to be up on that stage, she doesn't know the joke's on her, or she doesn't care. Do you really think you're getting what you're worth?"

🍏 Is there something you overuse, whether it’s a certain phrase, trope, or piece of punctuation?

Can't remember the term for it, but sentences with additional clauses offset by commas -- sometimes modifying the earlier sentence, sometimes just because I'm playing fast and loose with structure. Also like 60% of people on here it seems, em-dashes.

🥝 What’s your favorite trope/AO3 tag to write?

Consent issues! I also love to write pre-canon/post-canon fics, judging by my most used tags on AO3 itself, but that only feels notable if we're comparing and contrasting with someone who likes to do episode tags/missing scenes or something.

Thank you so much for sending me one of these! My God, there are so many fruit emojis.

#ska writes a thing

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donnerpartyofone · 7 months

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Wow, I just saw where you put the comma in your user name. It's even funnier now.

I never thought of it as Donner, Party of One as a table reservation. Announced in an officious tone.

I pictured it as donnerparty OF ONE. Meaning there is only one person in the Donner Party. As in, you are all alone in the cold woods eating yourself. LOL.

Hahaha obviously this is the username that keeps on giving! It's interesting how people react to it. I don't remember how long ago I came up with it but I'm sure I was feeling VERY clever, it would be many years before I learned that Robin Williams made the same joke in some standup routine, and he probably wasn't the first person to think of it either. I once applied for a job where the person who interviewed me vigorously insisted that I got it from the movie SCREAM, and I'm sure that joke is nowhere to be found in any installment of SCREAM but she was so passionate about her assumption for some reason, I didn't fight her on it too hard; in retrospect I chose the irrational belief that that was an omen that that was going to be a really hard, shitty, low-paying job.

My conscious interest in cannibalism emerged during my first semester at college, where it became clear that I had been interested in cannibalism all along but had never really connected the dots. It seemed to be the most frightening and compelling thing I could think of. When I was a kid I had a copy of Silence of the Lambs that I carried around like it was the Bible, reading it over and over. I had intensely vivid nightmares about THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE for years before I would ever see the movie, my brain just seemed to know it would become a big part of my life. RAVENOUS came out right before I went to college and when I got there I made a cult out of it; I was watching it at-least-daily in the dorm lounge, which at first people hated, then some people started to join me, then after we came back from Thanksgiving I learned that a lot of people went home and showed it to their families! And then it seemed to happen that whenever I picked the movie, it would involve cannibalism unpredictably--none of us were Shakespeare-literate enough to know it would be in TITUS, and when it randomly came up in DEAD MAN everyone turned around and looked at me like I must have known, like I tricked them. There were other examples that aren't coming to me. At some point it just sort of became my identity. I used to have a couple of fork & knife clothing patches that I painted and wore on various things.

I just think it's interesting, like it has lots of allegorical possibilities. I'm mainly attracted to it as a description of extreme anti-sociality. Like in TEXAS CHAIN SAW, you have a nuclear family in the American heartland, but instead of a heterogeneous unit that makes more people, you have a clan that is somehow only males and they consume people. (I mean there's a mother theoretically but she's literally a mummy, which I think is pointed) I'm interested in that kind of unhealthy system inversion. But people react to it all kinds of different ways, it's curious. I recently contacted this woman who wrote a horror-related paper I loved and she replied that she'd be happy to talk to me about anything "except cannibalism :)". I said this elsewhere but when I arrived at this book launch I had to host last week, the author told me "You know you're doing something right if people are offended!" and explained that when the event was publicized with my bio attached, which listed some of my academic interests, some guy emailed him "THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT CANNIBALISM!" and cc'd a bunch of different people like it was an emergency; I mean considering what else was in my bio, I guess he thinks I find murder and sexual exploitation "funny" too, but none of that stuff bothered him. After the event someone waited patiently to tell me about his favorite metal band that only plays songs about serial killers, including some prominent cannibals, and I had to promise I would listen to it. Whatever you think about it, it's a very provocative topic, and I guess it's good that people are still sensitive enough to have a strong reaction!

#what's going on in the hannibal fandom is NOT provocative though #just turning everything into sex is too easy #most people are casually turning everything into sex all day long like it seems to be harder NOT to

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highly-opinionated-art · 2 months

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I wanna share with you guys some traditional art I've been making recently- since November I've been doing this album-of-the-week thing, and a few weeks into the year I started picking out my favorite line from the album of the week and doing a little illustration for it. If you can call it that- they're just quick, rough little pictures, more experimental than polished. Some are better than others. But I have some watercolors and acrylic paints that I never used before this project, and a hell of a lot of markers and gel pens and colored pencils that need to be used, too. I've been learning a lot and getting some use out of what I have at the same time, so that's good enough for me! Here's the first quarter of 2024 done:

Albums/artists/lyrics under the cut, plus some additional commentary because why not.

Week 1 was bury me at makeout creek, by mitski. The line is "I wanna be what my body wants me to be" from the song Townie. I have a red marker that does that blotting thing sometimes, but I made another one to match on the other side, so the first I is like that half on purpose. I should have done the exclamation point facing the other way, I realize.

Week 2- album was In League With Dragons, by the Mountain Goats. "It never hurts to give thanks to the local gods, you never know who might be hungry" is from the song Younger. In digital art I sometimes just put a mostly transparent blue layer over everything when I want it to look like night. Turns out you can't do that with watercolor so easily.

Week 3- My Head Is An Animal by Of Monsters And Men, it says "that we won't run, and we won't run, and we won't run" from King and Lionheart, but you can't tell very well. I used a metallic sharpie. But I like how the painted parts came out on that one!

Week 4- Minutes to Midnight by Linkin Park. "Make it a dirt dance floor again" from Bleed It Out. It looks just like poop but I swear the paint came out of the tube like that, I didn't mix it with anything or anything!

Week 5- 52nd Street, by Billy Joel, "gotta be more to life than just try, try, try" from the song Half A Mile Away. This was actually the first one I made, I went back and did the first 4 a little later.

Week 6- The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess, by Chappell Roan, "I'm gonna keep on Dancing" from the song Pink Pony Club. The words are metallic on this one too.

Week 7- Built To Last, by Arrows in Action, "maybe they'll love me when I finally get out of this town" from the song Mad For This. I like this one.

Week 8- Born To Run, by Bruce Springsteen, I know you can't read it but it says "together, Wendy, we can live with the sadness, I love you with all the madness in my soul". It was really hard to get a picture of this one for some reason. Metallic gel pen might have something to do with it.

Week 9- No Angel, by Dido, "Inside, everybody's hiding something" from the song Slide. I meant to add more masks, ok. I got lazy. I should have just made the other ones bigger...

Week 10- How Will You Know If You Never Try by the band COIN, "tomorrow's just another day" from the opening song Don't Cry 2020 (which was released in 2017). It's my room, but I didn't get up and walk 10 steps to get a reference, just did it from memory. The window is too small and not in the right place, and I just changed up the patterns on the blanket because I didn't feel like checking.

Week 11- Pure Fiction by Eric Hutchinson. The lyric is "if it's ever gonna happen, it's gotta happen here I am", which seems like it should be missing a comma, but it's like that on purpose.

Week 12- New Beginning, by Tracy Chapman, "make new symbols, make new signs" from the title track. I'm so mad that I messed this one up. I should have left blank space for the words, I think.

Week 13- Good Charlotte, self-titled debut album, "I don't look important, so they're telling me to wait" from WaldorfWorldwide. It's me. I'm really short and carry my stuff in a backpack and get mistaken for a student so much, it's absolutely infuriating. It's Thursday when I'm posting this but I just knew that was going to be the line for the week, so there you go.

#art attempt #album of the week #personal #see you in another 3 months...?#with lyrics

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quackingwolves · 1 year

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Pride and Prejudice

Chapter 1

I’m sure all of you have heard the famous first line of this novel: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” (And as a brief aside, I thought I used a lot of commas) Even if you haven’t, you have probably heard of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. But I’ve never actually read it since it wasn’t assigned to me in school, so I’m giving it a go.

I honestly should have figured out from the first sentence that the language would be reflective of the year this was written- 1813- but I didn’t think it would be this dated. I kind of figured it would have been somewhat modernized over the years, but it hasn’t. I also figured ‘a good fortune’ would amount to more than four or five thousand pounds. But, adjusting for inflation, that’s about ninety-five thousand seven hundred American dollars to one hundred eighteen thousand dollars, assuming the exchange rate remained fairly consistent. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t turn down that salary. That’s what the guy makes, although I’m not sure what he does to earn that yet.

Another thing that surprised me is that there are three volumes in the book. The book is also written in the past tense, which I know is pretty common. While I prefer books written in the present tense, I’m sure I’ll learn to like past tense as I go through the book.

Just from the short first chapter- that’s just over two full pages- I can tell that either Mr. Bennet is a jackass or his wife is annoying. I haven’t made my mind up yet. The first interaction between Mr. and Mrs. Bennet is her telling him that Netherfield Park, which I assume is an estate, is finally rented. Mr. Bennet doesn’t ask who rented it until his wife prods him to. Even when he does, he makes it clear that he knows his wife wants to tell him and he doesn’t really care but he’ll listen. The next line is “This was invitation enough,” which makes me think Mrs. Bennet likes the sound of her own voice.

The man who will be renting Netherfield’s name is Mr. Bingley, which is an unfortunate name in my opinion. He probably got called ‘Bongley’ a lot as a kid because kids can be brutal. Mrs. Bennet is delighted when she tells her husband that Bingley is single- she had already been planning on marrying off at least one of her three named daughters- Jane, Lizzie, and Lydia. Two more are unnamed so far, and I don’t know if there are any Bennet sons. Bold move on the mom’s part when you haven’t met the man yet, though I’m sure over ninety grand a year can excuse a multitude of sins.

Mrs. Bennet implores her husband to visit Bingley, but Bennet is resistant to the idea. He says that she can just as easily take their daughters to visit, or send them on their own. He jokes that if she goes with them, Bingley might find Mrs. Bennet to be the most beautiful. Mrs. Bennet downplays that, saying that when a woman has five adult daughters, she shouldn’t think of her own looks.

Bennet goes on when his wife is trying to convince him to visit Bingley that he might try to lean him in favor of Lizzie, who seems to be his favorite. Mrs. Bennet basically tells him ‘don't you dare.’ She protests that he shouldn’t play favorites, even bringing up her ‘poor nerves,’ which was a common complaint from women at the time. It more or less meant that women were too fragile for arguments or other harsh things. Bennet kind of disses Jane and Lydia more, saying they’re ‘silly and ignorant,’ but that Lizzie is quicker. I have a feeling he means sharp-witted. Bennet says that he does remember his wife has bad nerves because they’re ‘old friends’ of his because she’s brought them up for twenty years. Then he says she should ‘get over’ them and see if more rich men come by. Mrs. Bennet retorts that even if more rich men come, it wouldn’t matter because Bennet wouldn’t visit them. He replies that when there are twenty rich men- the same number his wife made up- he’ll visit them all.

The last paragraph of the chapter sums up the couple nicely- Mr. Bennet is sarcastic, shy, and likely to switch moods on a dime. Mrs. Bennet, even though they’ve either known each other or been married for twenty-three years, doesn’t understand him. Mrs. Bennet is also described, far less favorably than her husband. She’s described as being unintelligent (in not so many words) and that she often said she was nervous when she was unhappy. Mrs. Bennet is also described by the narrator that her only job was to get her daughters married and her only pleasures were news and visits.

It’s a unusual start to a book, but I enjoyed it. The characters are interesting, if not likable, and the premise is made clear in two pages. It’s an attention grabbing chapter, which is what authors need from the first one.

#pride and prejudice #jane austen #read along

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somewhere-south-of-neutral · 1 year

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I want to cry but I can't cry but I know that if I cry it will all be ok, so why can't I? Because crying lets you release so if I cry the feelings will go away or maybe they'll come back or maybe both but it doesn't matter because I can't cry but I need to and I feel the tears and then they don't come out they just sit there like me at the top of a zipline before I decide that no, in fact this will not be the time when I actually do it and zipline, but if I cried it would be better so WHY CAN'T I? And anyway if I made myself cry it wouldn't be real and wouldn't count so I would still need to cry but if I could actually cry, really, it would all just be better but I can't, I never can I just don't so I get labeled as even keeled and emotionally stable when I'm not it's just a mask but I used too much glue and I can't take it off and so I can't cry and I'm stuck behind my own propriety as I bang on the glass of the inside of my brain but all they hear is "I'm sorry I'm a bit out of it lately, no I'm fine," but I'm not, because I can't cry, but they don't know that but they aren't even in the room but I still can't cry because the mask is on too tight and it won't come off and what if it never comes off and a few days ago, I forgot if I normally smile, and I still don't know, but existential crises are passe, so I just smirk a bit and pretend the dread is normal, because it is, but not like that, and then I wanted to cry but I couldn't and I still CAN'T CRY! And now all I can do is keep writing but I want to, oh god oh god oh God why won't I just let myself cry like a normal human with emotions and I'm already thinking of the way to end this thing with something pithy like a joke or whatever like a psychopath, except using that term in that context is kind of reductive when there are real psychopaths many of whom are probably good people who are tired of their real condition being code for crazy murderer, but anyway now I'm distracted but still not enough and I'm still not crying, but if I do then... then... what if crying doesn't make it better? What if I'm still me? What if, despite being able to cry, I'm still deep down the guy who can't cry? And the worst part is, that even as I am able to cry over it, I won't be able to cry over it, and the little voice inside that is putting commas in my doom spiral rant will still be telling me it's all performative and fake and not worth crying over as I quietly try to stoically be less stoic alone in a room full of things that I will put up on my walls tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow in two weeks next year four months ago.

-The stream of consciousness transcript of my thought spiral that I put into my notes app during a particularly bad day last semester. It started as an attempt to externalize my feelings by writing a poem, and it technically still is, but it is a bit more... rough than that. I decided not to edit it at all

#poetry #my poetry #my writing #notes app poetry #notes app poem #anxiety #stress #rant #ramble #please reblog and comment

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