#i don’t even want help anymore

[chrissy-kaos]

I’m not well.. 😭

#not okay #not even close #pain #i hurt so bad #im hurtin #I wish I was born different #i hate life #I don’t want to be here anymore #I have no reason to #sad girl #sad girls club #help #I’m drowning #trans #transgender #trans pride #transisbeautiful #mtf #transgirl #girlslikeus #mtf hrt #maletofemale #transformation #girls like us #transexual #trans women #trans woman #trans community #trans people #trans positivity

[pixlokita]

Family: you should really stop taking medication prescribed for your mental health/sleep it’s not good for you.

Me: -stops it because i can’t afford it anymore and it’s affecting me so much I get physically sick-

Family: you really shouldn’t have stopped those :\ what are you thinking ?

#pix habla #listen like #okay It’s not even the first time this happened #ive had to stop treatments before #and then start over #i can’t afford to start over anymore #but the fact that they say different things when I’m no longer as energetic or helpful #like sorry Im too tired to even react to the trauma dumping you came to my room to unload on me #it’s not that I don’t want to listen I’m legit running on barely any sleep #mental health is a luxury rn even sleep is a luxury rn #vent #it’s fine tho it’s just ? funny #how they keep changing what they say

[anthyies]

kind of a milf. reblog

#my brain can’t make metaphorical compositions anymore it’s out of juice but i still want to draw. so #lee sookyoung #orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #esha.txt #mycreations #WHO’S EXCITED FOR KDJ LSK ISSUES TIME IN THE WEBTOON IN A FEW WEEKS #i think in about two episodes? we’ll get the kdj has died message? #oh i didn’t properly ref the webtoon so the mask is off a bit but it’s fine #i think she’s a fascinating character btw… like i always think about how her actions w/ kdj are reproduced by him. agh agh agh <- sounds of #me taking damage. also like the way she’s. not just a mother you know? the scene where it isn’t just kdj who can help reconstruct her storie #s. there’s a lot he doesn’t know or understand about her and a lot she’s kept hidden from him Including the big thing. Hehe. That’s soon #Can u believe webtoon onlies don’t even really know kdj’s deal yet…

[simgerale]

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

#hi everyone #I’m going around hugging you all #okay now that we are gathered here today #i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best #i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time #and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol #but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine #literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything #I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake…. #I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour #then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it #and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again #I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do #so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour. #I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday #y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts #I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story #I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my #own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing? #y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents #.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire #but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself #I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump #I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions #I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well #I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day. #but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it #I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing #I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!! #I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time

[ihopeucomehomesoon]

i won’t hold people to the same standards i have on myself in terms of friendship bc everyone shows they care in different ways

#this is a part affirmation and part intro to a rant i need to unleash #but i’ll leave it in the tags here bc it feels safer lol #it’s abt my housemate the other day when we had our last class which is online but our previous classes were in person so as a class we #usually just pull it up on the main computer and broadcast the zoom in the classroom #but on this day the class before this zoom class got out early so lots of people went home early to just watch it on their own zoom or wtvr #so the row i sit in was pretty empty except for me my housemate and our two friends #and usually my housemate sits on my right but she got up and moved to sit on the other side next to our other friend and said nothing #and i didn’t want to say anything bc i was kinda sad/offended even though #her moving seats probably has nothing to do with me and much rather her personal preference i can’t help but think negatively abt myself #also one morning we were both off she went to the smoothie shop and coffee shop and just went to pick up her orders and i felt the same #reaction of like sad/offended bc she didn’t consider me at al like what if i wanted a smoothie too! TF #or coffee even though i don’t drink coffee anymore wtvr #my thoughts on her and my friendship are kinda rocky bc we feel so out of sync #i feel like she’s always in her own world and it’s hard to get through to her and become real friends #it’s whatever not all friendships can be deep and meaningful

[anonbinaryweirdo]

if this account is still active by college expect updates about my situationship (my rivals/enemies to lovers girlfriend i made up in my head weeks ago)

#i met this girl?? she’s so nice she’s my partner in a few of our classes #help she offered to study with me #theatre class !! i’ll post updates 🫶🏽 im GETTING that lead role #oh i didn’t know she also wanted to audition for this role #oh. #she just?? patronized me?? what #i take it back !! she is not nice and i do not like her <3 #she’s so fucking annoying all because she made 2 points higher than me bfr #she spilled her coffee on me in the hallway. i don’t even have a change of clothes #i hate her sm #im being forced to partner with her for the project what 🙁 i will commit #im going to go crazy we actually have to work together i hate working with her okgfjhfjfhf #update: we’re at her dorm because she insisted on not wanting to go to mine kms #WHY IS SHE BEING SO UNCOOPERATIVE. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PROJECT im sonfucking. she’s so annoying #we js got done arguing over who was going to do the writing (im doing the writing 🫶🏽) #im about to go back to my own dorm this is giving me a headache. i literally cannot do this anymore #update: so uh #guess who got laid

[finniestoncrane]

said to my counsellor that i wasnt built for friendship because everyone always eventually just. stops speaking to me and she went “ok why do you think that is?” and then when i finished my dumb sad list she went “ok so maybe you aren’t good at friendship” and i. have never regretted spending £50 more in my life lol

#A RANT IN THE TAGS MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN REALISE I AM WRITING THIS WARNING RETROSPECTIVELY #£50 to feel like never trying to speak to anyone again or forge any connections THANKS RUTH #Ruth remember when I said that every friendship I’ve had I’ve never truly known if it’s a friendship or if it’s one sided #remember when I told you that my friend groups always had people who had a favourite and I was never the favourite #remember when I told you that several friend groups have disbanded but not really they actually just made new spaces without me? #remember that? remember my trauma? remember? #because I DO!!! #I was not born to have friends I don’t think #I can’t even make friends with other autistic people or other weird people or other queer people #I don’t even think I could make friends with a clone of myself #this is so guy wrenchingly isolating lol #like girl what do you want from me? keep everyone at arms length like I used to? #try not to let myself get attached to people in case they decide they don’t want to be close to me anymore? #please it is not great advice Ruth #THE WORAT PART is that I literally was like ‘I don’t message too much because I’m overbearing’ #and she asked where the proof was #and all I had was the complete dissolving of any relationship where I tried or tried too hard #so now I’m left in this confusing space of do I message too much or not enough because I have no happy medium #and she knows SHE KNOWS I also have energy issues and executive dysfunction stuff going on #and I know she is just trying to help and get me to think about this stuff #but it was just not the time lmao #finnie shouts into the void

[tricoufamily]

the for rent creator network videos have been boring ngl but i kinda think the problem is that the creator network youtubers are just boring

#where’s the DRAMAAAAAA #all their sims are the exact same perfect happy families what is going on #like i’ve stopped watching them i know what i want to do with this pack and i can i don’t need this anymore #even james turner who i actually like videos have just been eh you know #ig bc i’m not interested in the landlord aspect i just want my sims to be tenants and most of the videos have a focus on property owning- #-doesn’t help but STILL. MAN. no wonder sims lets plays fell off they’re so afraid of real storytelling nowadays

[dreamsb0u]

Sometimes I wish my “friends” or whatever who ghosted me would talk to me again just so I could bite their fucking heads off

#rant #Tw rant #vent #vent tw #in tags #like you fucking said you were going on a mental health break and that’s fine but after WEEKS of radio silence I check on you #and you’ve fucking BLOCKED me???? #like what the fuck is wrong with you #this has happened multiple times and I think it’s justified that I’m fucking angry #they KNOW I have abandonment issues and they don’t even give me a notice they don’t tell me what I did wrong #I’m so fucking tired of this shit #I’ve tried to be supportive but all they ever do is fucking toss me to the side #I’m not sorry #I can’t even look at half of my sketchbook anymore because it’s stuff I made for them #I wouldn’t say that letting your friends know why you’re leaving them is a lot to ask #but hey maybe I’m the one in the wrong here #and I’m even angrier because I don’t hate them #I can’t really #but I’m so fucking mad #I don’t want any hug emojis I get that you’re trying to help but I’m really not in the fucking mood #I think I only have like two friends I can trust

[mattodore]

i’ve been pretty quiet on here and avoiding my activity and dms these last few weeks because october was easily one of the worst months i’ve had in a very long time and i lost my family dog of seventeen years and had a medical scare for not only myself but my cat and just all these things happened at once that felt incredibly hard to bounce back from mentally… but aside from being sick atm things are starting to get better for me and my family so hopefully i can actually start being. normal. again soon 🧎

#river dipping #i don’t think i get personal on here very often just bc. the pd. um #but i figured i should say something bc my avoidant personality disorder is uhhhhhhhh #certainly Avoiding. #i’m so sorry if you’ve messaged me or @ed me or just tried interacting in any way #ik i wrote in my pinned navigation that yea i take breaks and avoid my activity and it’s nothing personal #but i still just wanted to reiterate it #i tend to keep notifications off for tumblr and my activity and everything like i only ever check when i’m mentally prepared for the State #my brain goes into when interacting with people #it’s not that i’m ignoring you!! my brain is just. very bad. #and i have a lot of trouble actually replying #especially in private messages #i’m much more comfortable talking publically which is why discord is so not for me 😭 #i really have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone a lot this past year and it’s certainly helped a ton #but still. it’s a disorder i’ve had my whole life so 🤷 it’s still sticking around ykwim #so i’m sorry 😔 but i’m also incredibly thankful toward everyone who’s taken the time to talk to me and interact with me and just thought of #me in general even when i’ve been so isolated recently #ummmm but on the bright side i moved out finally and am at a place that isn’t gonna poison my brain anymore so ‼️ #it took a few horrible days for my pets to get used to the house but things are fine now and i’ve set up my room and am :) doing better #surprisingly my panic disorder has been absent since the move… which is very weird for me #i fr think my previous place might actually have been poisoning me like i’m serious #……..i might delete this post in a bit if i start feeling too crazy abt being vulnerable lmao. um. #but for the people that’re online rn! my beloved friends and lovers yk #there’s my little update

[catastrxblues]

—

#okay i actually want to rant a bit 😭 - not advised to read this because then you might get brain damage #because oh my god??????? weird #(was going to write an entire diary but nvm here’s the gist of it) #basically i was coming home from this chem thing right #i used the train as i always do when it comes to this. and because the new station just got a shiny renovation it is now connected to the #new mall in front of it (we have two now it’s an addition to the first one). and guess what 😭 #i had to go in and get to the first mall because my dad said he’d just pick me up at the lobby instead of the bus stop in front of #the station entrance right. #and when i was on the elevator going up on a call with my mom about food orders 😭 #the guy i used to have a very very VERY heavy crush on in middle grade got to the elevator leading down just as i was on the landing 😭😭 #and i had to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating so as he was descending and his back turned to me i examined the back of his head and i’m #pretty sure it was him. curiosity killed the cat i should’ve remembered that shit because you know what my stupid ass did?? #i was already walking away on my way to cross to the first mall but then that curiosity got the better off me and i steppedonto the elevato #leading down 😭 and followed him out into (apparently) the fucking bus stop #oh my goddd I JUST REALIZED this is my the one moment help #except i don’t think he recognized me because i was never even friends with him lmao. wrote tons of poetry about him ✅ #actually had one proper conversation with him ❌ #i was delusional and kept alone with my thoughts living in my head do not judge me #but seriously even though i don’t really care about him anymore this would’ve been (unfortunately) SUPER important to middle grade me #she would’ve taken it as a sign or something and write like five pages about it #and i just keep thinking about that #funny how things change because IF YOU KNEW how many credits and exaggerated compliments i gave him in my old journal #oh you would’ve laugheddd #like i used to SPEND SO MUCH TIME pondering over him it’s so 😭 #i used to have an oc and i think i based it on my idea of him and then i think that idea of him was even the reason i started to TRY to #write poetically. and i used to relate every taylor swift love songs to him (esp the ones in debut lover and rep and fearless) IT WAS SO #FUNNY LOOKING BACK AT IT NOW #i think he did see me though. i put on this act as if i was searching for someone confused and then (my go to) pretended someone called me #and then i whisked off as if to find that someone #i’d like to think i look pretty cool though. not because of anything (def not my looks because i was SO TIRED from that extra chem lessons

[deus-ex-mona]

series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨ #and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate #so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah. #thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou #i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh #compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol #i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help— #so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig #my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa #i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control… #b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you #tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao #so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol #but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato) #so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though #either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane #i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date… #at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration… #…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig. #oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far… #i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience. #help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m. #anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee

[lambentplume]

.

#this is a naddpod haterism don’t read if you don’t wanna witness a haterism #…where are all the fat moonshine interpretations i miss them #SORRY. people can see characters how they want esp since its a pod #but ………. yknow. #i’m not even gonna tag this i’m probs gonna delete later #it also doesn’t help that i don’t draw anymore sjfjdjfjdj but. yknow #i may be the change i want to see in the world eventually but idk if i care enough To Draw

[fideidefenswhore]

chapuys/mary truthers when you mention their relationship 1536-47:

#she doesn’t seem to consider him a friend in the same way from mid 1536-onwards #and they don’t really seem to be in communication much anymore #I think the answer here is really… disillusionment #when you consider this sort of ‘rift’ and reintroduction of a more formal and distant relationship #in the context of what came before #I believe Mary would’ve believed this even absent of Chapuys’ influence — but #I think it’s fairly clear she did not believe it was God’s will that she follow her father’s will #(otherwise she would have done so circa 1534) #and I think it’s also fairly clear Chapuys was actively encouraging this belief and her defiance #(as much as he might’ve ; at certain points; like her being manhandled into a litter — #wanted her to tone it down a bit so as not to ‘detract’ from her dignity #which is interesting when we discuss how Chapuys viewed Mary. #that that was his primary concern there. not that this was due to Anne’s ‘wickedness’ and ‘malice’ as usual #So when we arrive at the events of mid 1536… well #we have this man that has been promising her a better and brighter future ; her father’s love ; her restoration #and it’s a future that doesn’t eventuate in the way he promised #despite the violent end of her enemy and her enemy’s party #so we have the hypocrisy and dissonance of the man that encouraged her defiance #telling her to repudiate her beliefs and self abnegate #and then not really… substantially… or even at all #helping her navigate the consequences of that #the consequences of the actions. he encouraged #that he doesn’t really have to pay the price for. but she does

[chibishortdeath]

Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).

I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.

So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.

#text post #incoherent rambling #project update #game project #I’m still also debating whether or not I can actually even make a proper horror game too #It’s the rule of like just being a horror fan doesn’t make you good at horror being afraid of something does? ya know? #I am trying to go with things that scare me personally but it’s been difficult #either things aren’t concrete of concepts enough or are wayyyy too oddly specific to make anything about #which is quitter talk I know but how does one translate the childhood heebee jeebees of watching top ten gaming videos past bedtime 💀💀💀 #or like the way too broad general fear of lack of control without making it too on the nose or too vague #truly a balancing act writing is #kinda ironically I am also a little bit less afraid of hospitals after having been to one for myself rather than family members #which makes things both more and less difficult??? #on one hand I have better references for them now but on the other hand I’m desensitized to it 😔 #I think I get used to things a little too easily for a lot of things to stay scary #the thing was a scary movie the first time I saw it and now it’s a comfort film #funger was a very scary game until I first died and reloaded a save with little consequence and now it’s just a spooky but fun rpg #but then at the same time thinking about a movie studio logo before a movie that scared me as a kid cause there was a monster in it #still gives weird left over shivers but actually seeing it doesn’t anymore for some reason #I feel like that’s how it’s worked with most things I’ve ever been afraid of in my life besides concepts like death control or idk drowning #ugh writing is HARD #but actually making a functional and fun to play game is harder oh my god do I not know how to make puzzles #I have made swivel chairs that can be knocked and walked over but that’s about it and idk what to do with that knowledge lmaooooo #and I don’t want the entire gameplay loop to be read text search room get key repeat cause that’s boring #I have also desperately tried making a stamina system but there’s not much help with that online especially not in the rpg maker forums #the no necroposting rule sucks all the threads for questions I have never get answered and never will cause no one is allowed to due to age #anyway idk what to tag this probably won’t get seen since it’s not my usual anyway but eh whatever I’ll think about this #hopefully I remember the passwords to two blogs 💀💀💀

[jjungkookislife]

me: I don’t want to go back to work

also me: applies to jobs everyday

me: they’ll call me and I’ll be working by next week 😭😭😭

also me: why haven’t they called? 😡

#I simply do not want to work anymore #gives me awful anxiety that even my medication can’t help #tw anxiety #but also bc of my health I have bills to pay #but also I don’t wanna lose my good insurance