#i do not function without sleep

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

As a stranger on the internet (so feel free to ignore or tell me I'm out of line) you might just be going through a grieving process. It sucks, a lot, and I don't really have any advice other than it will slowly get better, but it might help simply knowing.

Grief is different for everyone, and looks different for everyone too. But either way I hope you feel better soon <3

It's very possible, I just don't want that to be the answer because then I don't know what to do

#it feels more like im using grief as an excuse to not do anything and i find it really upsetting #i just dont kno what to do. i have a lightning talk to give tomorrow and i cant get anywhere bc when i try to get anything done i just start #crying and everything feels like a mess that i have no motivation to clean up #just everything. why did i decide to do this with my life? why couldnt i have chosen a functional career path? #i dont kno what im doing. i dont kno how im going yo get things together for my committee meeting Friday #or how ill get thru it without crying. i dont even kno what i want. i wanna talk to my dad i guess but ive never told anyone in my family #when im having a hard time and i dont kno how to do that without making him worry #ugh. tomorrow's gonna suck. so does today. i just want the semester to be over. but then i cant escape my project. so idk what i want #i want sleep for 1000 years or at least until all my problems are gone #unrelated

[lloydfrontera]

touch starved lloyd who will lean into any gentle touch he gets without thinking about it, who never initiates anything but is also never the first to pull away, who sometimes flinches at unexpected contact but will gravitate closer to those he trusts so he's always withing arm's reach

#tged #the greatest estate developer #lloyd frontera #i would say 'someone give that man a hug' but honestly marbella and arcos do that pretty often it's really sweet <3 #but like imagine javier noticing it and dismissing it at first until curiosity gets the best of him #so he starts slowly initiating small touches between them like a little tap in his shoulder to get his attention or maybe a quick pat #on his back as he passes by or maybe standing a bit closer than normal so his arms touch slightly #and it's nothing noticeable nothing lloyd could actually call him out if he even noticed it #but that's the thing. he doesn't notice. but he does start leaning more and more into every small touch javier dares to give him #sometimes even starting to stand closer to javier almost as if seeking the small presses of their arms #so javier starts getting a bit bolder. grabbing him by the sleeve and then the wrist to pull his attention to something. #sitting right next to him whenever there's a chance. subtly bumping their shoulders together when someone says anything dumb or funny. #in one notable occasion when he had to grab lloyd by the hip and guide him as they walked because he was too engrossed in his work #and also too sleep deprived to notice if he was about to walk into someone #and so it continues until suddenly one day javier has lloyd sprawled all over him and he's like 'Wait. why was i doing all of this for' #but by then is too late lloyd has become to used to javier constantly touching him and has subconsciously decided he's his personal plushie #btw this is all without lloyd actively realizing anything as far as he knows everything is perfectly normal #and he's doing great he's gonna get a good grade in being a Functional Adult something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve #i talk a lot <3

[miodiodavinci]

lads i think i may quite literally be drowning

#multiple panic attacks today over the amount of work i need to complete over the next 10 days to not like. drop fail everything. #i can feel my heart at like. all times at this point. #i need to write planning documents for like 6 different events this week #and then also write commentary describing why these plans are effective #and then also create all the handouts that are supposed to go with these plans #on top of creating an overarching plan for another class (in the group that refuses to respond or contribute anything) #on top of creating a presentation for the same class (same group) #and all of it is still due. within 10 days. #i legitimately don't know what to do other than weep continuously and just work without stopping. #my stomach hurts because i had to scarf down my food in time to keep working #i still need to complete one of those planning documents tonight to stay on track but i need to sleep in an hour if i want to be functional #i'm drowning in the most dire way possible

[alma-amentet]

I often feel the urge to tell my own stories.

Some of you know I have my own Elden Ring headcanons and a story (Age of Abundance AU) and I love it. Maybe I'm even annoying when mentioning it in the tags of someone else's headcanons or whatever... Always mentioning, willing to tell a story, not writing any fanfiction.

Well it's because writing feels like hell. I tried it numerous times (since I was a kid) and always gave up. Now drawing looks way easier (seriously!) Some years ago I was writing a bit on Neverwinter Nights 1/2. Then I realized writing brought me more pain than joy and quit.

I also feel brain-dead due to mental problems of past years and the amount of alcohol I consumed. Tried some drabbles on my ER headcanons and there's nothing but a void inside me when it comes to wording my daydreaming.

#thinking of trying to translate those NWN works in English... #but there's also time issue... #where do I find time? #I can't function well without descent amount of sleep... #alma.txt

[urostakako]

im a little sad today

#i wish i was a little more functional. that i could understand integrals. that i could finish my projects on time and not get distracted or #bored or upset five minutes in. that i could write everything i want to write without getting exhausted. that i could draw everything #i wanted to without feeling dread and like. idk. maintain something? that i could keep a routine without getting tired of it immediately #that there was enough time in the day to do everything i have and want to do and also sleep and eat and drink and keep clean on time #and be like. healthy. i wish applying for school and aid didnt actively fill me with dread. i wish it didnt feel like so much effort to make #a future for myself. i wish i could be like the others i know who seem to have such a clear and light weight mind unimpeded by roadblocks #i wish i could see my family more often. i wish they would respond when i ask after them. i wish i wasnt filled with panic everytime they #dont because i know that things arent the way they were but i cant seem to let that go even though its been years. i hate that the panic #doesnt go away. i wish i was fine living without them. i wish i was fine on my own. i wish i wasnt so detached to others and that i wasnt so #attached to the ones i love. i wish things were easier and so many things feel out of sight and i KNOW thats not true. i KNOW there is #something there waiting for me and i will be taken care of. i know everything will be fine and nothing is hopeless #but still it feels that way and i hate complaining about my feelings but its not wrong to feel and i know this. #somehow the repetitiveness of my feeling makes me just as tired as if someone else was talking to me about their problems all the time #which is so stupid. idk. #delete later #hanancouldyounot

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually. #ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me ! #so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️ #there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: May 17

"Seven Spanish Angels” by Willie Nelson & Ray Charles

#song of the day #it is with the deepest despair that I must inform you that I am not almost done with the idiot project after all #I have new requirements and new restrictions both. the hoops are now on fire and still I must jump. alas. #got a new begonia though! beautiful thing with big fat faded pink and cream blossoms like vintage wallpaper (complimentary) #and we ran all our errands today so I don't have anything to do tomorrow so maybe finally I will sleep in! #imagine this: me but a bright shiny new functional version of me! a me who has *sparkle effect* slept six hours unbroken!! #perhaps my dreams shall come true #in the meantime I finally found the version of this song I first heard and it was so nice to hear again. beautiful story-song #'she reached down and picked the gun up / that lay smoking in his hand #she said 'Father please forgive me / I can't make it without my man' #and she knew the gun was empty / and she knew she could not win #her final prayer was answered / when the rifles fired again'

[wibzenadarksiderwithasoftheart]

I want to write! I want to read and comment on the many amazing fic on my to-read list... but I'm so kriffing exhausted and there's just white noise in my brain 😕

(Stomping my foot) I want more time where I don't have to deal with RL and where I don't have to sleep, why do I have to sleep?

#personal rant #why do I have to deal with RL #sleep is overrated but I can't function without it.

[zevrans]

.

#so i finished my 4 out of 4th 12 hour shift in a row last night and i'm literally so exhausted and i was glitching mid simple tasks 🤡✌️ #my coworker asked to change shifts so he could have that one specific day as off #and he managed to do some very critical mistakes in his 4 days prior and that's considering his gf is often with him there #and i was the one suffering the consequences even if it's literally not my fault #ever since i've got this job i've been fixing so many mistakes of his i kept wondering who's the newbie here?? #like i try to leave my shift as good as possible i clean everything check everything and do all my duties #and when i come here after his shifts it's.. a fucktonne of work mistakes and literal dirt like dude!!! #4 shifts in a row never again man never again i am so tired my brain is nerfed and i can only rest for 1 day today because tomorrow i'm #going to a doc; #my social battery is not just dead it's nonexistent at this point #i just want to lay in bed and not be percieved or interacted with for at least the same amount of days 😫 #i really thought i could take a socially demanding and rather multitasking job without it taking hugest toll on my mental state huh??? #and i had such a bad sleep too i had a very graphic and sickening nightmare which woke me up 2 hours after i fell asleep #and then i woke 2 more times after that and i feel so exhausted and not rested at all and so fatigued i can't even do anything #man for me my sleep being interrupted is the worst like i function better if i have a smaller amount of sleep but it's uninterrupted #than longer in hours but it gets interrupted and i wake up even once #sorry i come here once in few days vent post and then dissapearvckfkv 😭 i miss tumblr but have no energy currently to even rb anything 🥲 #tbd

[outeremissary]

Having one of those weeks of "is this the monthly Malaise or am I about to have a real mental health rut"

#I think I feel a bit bad for not having seen success for a bit on a large project or one for other people #my to-do list... I'm trying #think I just feel socially weird too. as usual I would benefit from touching grass #I know I've been on more than is good for me lately and I'm just trying to distract from not liking how creative projects are going #or feeling lonely but not very socially confident for a while #for me social media is generally an extremely poor substitute for other forms of interaction (including other online interaction) too #it's like candy. it's fun in moderation but the more of it making up your diet the sicker you feel #and socially ambiguous in a nerve wracking way with how uncertainly part private/part public it is #especially on tumblr where so much interaction is indirect and one way. it's not how I function best I fear #it can be fun! I enjoy it much of the time. but it can also be very stressful and confusing. #a solid 'touch grass' (or touch snow) time is likely approaching if I feel weird a little longer haha #but jeez! I should knock some stuff off the list first. #I'm up too late tonight. I know that. lack of satisfaction on projects I know #okayyyyy I'll maybe prep one last thing (sunk cost fallacy) and go to sleep properly like I should've ages ago. morning will be rough. #I do miss the ways people interacted on Twitter #rambling #you should know half the time I have some way too long tags it's because I meant to say one thing and then just kept going without thinking #I think I talk too much online because offline I don't talk very much. not many people to talk to.

[cuteiemonster]

hi there I absolutely love your pony (and 1 goat) designs they are all amazing

I’m just curious, why did you decide to draw Grian as an Earth Pony, rather than a Pegasus when he’s often associated with flight?

Was it a thing where the fanon stuff was an after thought or was your drawing not cooperating with you at all? (As fellow artist I do understand that occurrence)

or just something else entirely?

it originally stemmed from me not usually drawing grian as an avian most of the time that quickly devolved into " hehe the irony of one of his parents being a unicorn, the other being a pegasus, and he just got the short end of the stick " was too funny for me to pass up

#beans bacon whiskey and lard #so.. something else entirely basically! #i know i draw grain w avian features Sometimes but i do not generally HC him as an avian. personally #while i did '' no thoughts head empty '' all their designs i still kept how i interpret them myself in all of them #its why bdubs is a bat pony despite his thing with sleeping. i love irony and the thought of a bat pony scared of the night.. #its a lil funny :p #also i am aware bat ponies are not normally bright green. the only thing i rechecked from mlp canon #was for scar's wheelchair. canon mlp wheelchairs are so . odd. and i need to redesign scar's chair so bad #cause i did Not have fun drawing it nor does it actually look like itd function properly lol #that goes back to No Thoughts Head Empty though i just lifted the canon chair's design p much without a second thought #and i am now having seconds thoughts . rip! oh well oh darn guess i Have to draw horse scar again ohh nooo u_u #but yeah. hes an earth pony because i think its funny KJSNDVJKSDV

[undertalesev]

Papyrus I thought you didn’t sleep? Why do you keep saying you’re going to bed?

GOING TO BED AND GOING TO SLEEP ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS! WHEN I GO TO BED, I DO MY NIGHTLY ROUTINE AND GET MY BEDTIME STORY FROM SANS. AFTER THAT POINT I REFRAIN FROM ONLINE ACTIVITIES AND EVENTUALLY MAY OR MAY NOT SNOOZE FOR A FEW HOURS. MOST NIGHTS I SIMPLY FIND SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE TO DO UNTIL MORNING!

#I SUGGEST NOT FOLLOWING IN MY FOOTSTEPS IN THIS ONE INSTANCE #WHILE I’M ABLE TO DO THIS I KNOW HUMANS CANNOT FUNCTION WITHOUT SLEEP! #answered asks #as papyrus #utdrp

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[watermelinoe]

i wish i didn't need so much external validation that i'm not worthless but my desire to perform well has been ingrained in me since early childhood

#it is v difficult when you can't function like other people #other people are operating without the pain and fatigue and jetlag #they naturally sleep at night and wake up in the morning #they don't have to rest in bed for several days after exerting themselves #they don't wake up unable to move #none of my accomplishments matter bc i'm physically too far behind everyone else #and it's hard not to see that as an indicator of my worth as a person and the value i contribute to society #bc if i don't earn money then how am i earning my right to exist #but that's a stupid way of thinking. no other animals think that way lol can you imagine a cat having an existential crisis #but still all the time i want to hear ''you're doing a good job'' ''you're not lazy'' ''you're not a leech'' ''you've accomplished a lot'' #this is what happens when you're a really good student and nothing else #until you get diagnosed with multiple Try Making it to Class Like This You Loser diseases 😐 #and then school is over and you made zero connections and have zero prospects bc it was all you could do to fuckin graduate w honors #bc that's all that mattered

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#truly i have too modes. so fucking busy i cant breathe. cant think without a muddled lag. feeling motion sick as i walk #a path ive walked a thousand times over. or not busy enough. without thr pressure i revert to a liquid state and spill across the floor #i cant seem to do anything. at least when im busy i cant feel how miserable i am. at least for a little while bc i have to focus #idk how to find a balance. it always seems to be all or nothing. outside my control but directed by my control #ugh. after the month ive had the misery's caught up with me. also i havent been sleeping enough #i felt horrible all day in the lab ans i was like. i mean maybe its low bloodsugar? but then when i went home i felt 1000 times better #which is. ya kno understandable but not great #idk i can just feel the anger leaking out from under my skin. ive made the system unlivable. now im suffocating on the echo of pain #and i feel bad bc it must b all over my face. bitterness simmering in my words #i met with my boss today for a delayed meeting of a delayed meeting and showed her some preliminary data. she was excited and asked what i #felt abt it. and i dont feel anything abt it. nothing. i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont fucking care #set my datasheets on fire. burn them to ash. i wouldnt feel anything #and im sure some of that sentiment came thru bc she later texted me to reiterate how cool the data is bc no ones done a study this #extensive ans i dont kno how to reply bc again i dont care. theres no breathing enthusiasm back. that dim light has been extinguished. i #look forward to never having to think abt it again. #whatever the more pressing issue is that i cant get my brain to function enough to save me from the other problems i have boiling over #just me sabotaging potential future happiness from where i sit unhappily in the present #annoying. ugh i need to sleep. #unrelated