#i didnt color pick their colors i just did it from memory

[feathery-fall]

they've infested my mind, someone save me

#adventure time tickle #lee!scarab #i dont usually color things #but these guys are so very simple to color #so i did it #i didnt color pick their colors i just did it from memory #so if they look a little bit off thats why #im going to use a knife to scrape them from my mind #that's the only way theyll leave #send help slash jay

[heartfullofleeches]

Sorry just asked about the fast food reader (if tumblr didnt eat it) but what would happen if fast food reader was pulled into the ball pit yan’s pocket dimension

"Sleep....Rest..."

Work was hell. A bus full of suspiciously clad individuals held up the already hectic lunch rush, awhile the mascot attempted to braid your hair as you managed the register. As if matters couldn't get worse, the ice cream machine had unlease a slurry of thawed cream at your coworker for kicking its side when it refused to dispense ice cream for them. With so many new hires, it's hard to keep up on who knows that machine wouldn't allow any hands on it besides yours and who didn't. The flood was catastrophic. You had to wheel yourself around the kitchen using the Janitor's cart which was - actually pretty fun, but navigating around the sunken body within the river didn't share that same thrill.

At the end of the chaos, all you wanted to do was go home so you could curse the domino effect of evolution that eventually resulted to you getting this job, but you couldn't go anywhere without a trip to the ball pit first. Those hands had the touch and grace of God on your joints and muscles - a statement likely truer than you'd like to think about. If someone asked you why you kept this job they would probably be your first answer. Besides trying to play sneaky and dragging under a few times, they were the most useful of the entities claiming this location, and you, as their territory. There was always a part of you that did wonder - a lingering thought in the back of your mind.

What would happen if you went down there?-

Seems the day you'd find out as come at last.

"You're tired... don't fight us anymore..."

After the day you've had, your body is about as useful as a wet paper towel. The ball pit's hands lower your ailing husk into their plastic prison; nimble fingers and palms jutting the exact points that weight you down. You feel defenseless in their embrace. They meticulously knead your stress away and with it goes your will to fight as the dingy ceiling lights disappear in the sea of colorful balls. You can feel them drag you further down between each palpitation, but you had neither the strength nor the broom to free yourself. Was there even anything you could do at this point if you did? You weren't sure if you could wrestle yourself out of so many hands. It seemed like there were a dozen more than you remembered; pulling your weightless self through the sea of plastic and forgot memories.

"We will treat you with the care that you deserve.. Our idol. Our love. Close your eyes and rest."

Your head breaks the surface - and everything goes dark.

-

When you wake, everything appears normal. From the checkered titles around you, you're laying on the floor of the play place - surrounded by balls. Nothing unusual there. It's when you sit up that you notice something to be...off. There are other items amongst the orbs. Happy meal toys, wallets, jewelry, IDs. You pick up the closest to you. The missing persons flyers get swapped out pretty quickly, but you always remember the face that was once there - when no one else could.

"Do you prefer silver or gold?"

You look around for the source of the voice. A pale arms extends from the figures equally as pearl robes. You can't see their face. You couldn't see much of anything that was a couple inches from your face. Unable to stand on your own, you take their hand. It's uncharacteristically cold. On your feet, you can see a basket in their other arm - full of discarded belongings scattered across the ground.

"Where am I?..."

"Home....for now. We've been stuck here for eons, a pocket between your world and the next. Come, we can talk more once we get out. Stick close to me and if you hear anything, hold your breath. We are never alone here"

The figure moves your hand to their shoulder and begins walking. You follow behind, praying your eyes to adjust enough to peal a layer of darkness. Whispers and intangible mutterings sworn from all corners. They pause - briefly as the figure bends down to pick something up and either place it into their basket or inspect it more closely. There comes a time when you hear paper tearing or glass shattering, but it's hard to locate where they're coming from. Soft light emits from the exit doors as you approach.

"run."

The doors fly open. Squeezing your hand from instinct, you find that you are alone - and that the play area is no longer the same. You're in the forest behind the restaurant; skies block out by a sea of mass manufactured balls. There's something in the distance. A writhing, pale mass it takes your mind a minute to process. Hands. Hundreds of white limbs all tearing and fighting over the spilled contents of that same wicker basket you saw before. They raise family photos and handheld mirrors into the centers of their horde; a single, calm hand in the storm ripping the objects free. It turns them over in its palm before raising it height above its body. Torso, shoulders - there's something in there and its eating the lost memories. A torn photo falls at your feet. It's the manager that tried to fire you your first week.

"... They're still here. Everyone's that's gotten lost in that pit. Their bodies were lost as soon as they came, but their spirits still hunt for what's let of them so they can be remember. So they can go home... Just like I want to."

A hand meets your cheek, followed by another at your waist. They're everywhere - swarming.

"If you're curious if you're dead, don't be. You are still of body and mind, as I could never eat the one who's made this purgatory tolerable. Please, allow me to hold you just a little longer and I will send you back. I want to look at you with these tired eyes and to know peace. Please, accept me."

The god reaches its hand out to you. It reeks of blood, and is stained with their tears. You take it - and there you are back laying on the play area floor.

#yandere x reader #yandere imagines #yandere x you #yandere scenarios #yandere headcanons #yandere insert #yandere #yandere blurb #yandere oc #yandere teratophilia #Fast food reader #yandere god #yandere monster

[uvjellyfish]

interesting tidbits of the famitsu interview

-apparently they didnt know what side order was even going to be until after splat 3's release, which maybe explains some things

-the palettes for characters that arent inkling/octoling are based more on what they might use if they could or what fit their vibes

-pearls space suit cost 200 million cash cause she wanted to be out of this world, and marina made her tentacles galaxy-colored to match

- apparently the chips making sound in the menu wasnt planned, and all the sounds come from off the hook songs. they also mention being able to hear something during the first fight with overlorder, so if youre curious, when you pick up all the chips and play them in order going back and forth each row it plays the chorus of ebb & flow (its a little hard to parse but its there)

(these are about the bosses)

-the bumpers in pinging marciales arena are soy sauce holders. in its second phase the bumps on its shell are holding rice. good ol splatoon design lol

-asynchronus rondo is a sushi conveyer, and was meant to be a hospitality robot before it was corrupted by order. also the sounds its making may be a corruption of a memory as well (i assume the same goes for Ball)

-paralell canon is not literally agent 4, it is just a copy of them

-the memories seen in different stages are actually being burned and ejected from the tower, thats what the "snow" is

-the shapes and lights in the square/foyer that react to the music are plankton. the denizens of the square seem to be manifestations of the programming. cipher is unique because it gained sentience after order started sucking people in and it came into contact with those conciousnesses

-pearl stays a drone because she likes to be tall

-absolute scraps of octarian lore but ill take it

-acht did finally leave the underground after side order and is living off the royalties of their music. good for them

-iso padre is in the square because of the ufo catcher

-i hit the image limit but the reason pearls step off song is off the hooks news intro is because of marinas memories and desire for them to stay together <3

#splatoon #take things with a grain of salt since im using machine translation btw

[magnoliasandbeardedtooth]

thinking about the relationship between sif and the universe, and related theories / headcanons aka I listened to a song and I need to get these feefees out of me

this is a lot of prelude for something that can be shown with just the video clip, but I want to include all the strings that make up this knot

Its not explicitly stated, but I believe it's pretty clear that whenever sif repeats something three times while hoping for something (sharpening the keyknife, carving in general, praying to the change god statue in dormont), he is performing wish craft.

however, he doesnt repeat anything three times when getting the keyknife. he doesnt even need to pray to get it at all, the change god just gives it to him. they say themselves that they dont care for rituals. they never even take credit for the stat buff, they only take credit for the keyknife

when sif changes how they pray at the change god statue, their method more strongly resembles the ritual to make a wish at the favor tree (picking the one you like best), and as a result the buff gets better. it is the wish craft ritual that is the important part of the prayer to that statue, not the change god

one thing that IS explicitly stated is just how powerful wish craft is for those who know the rituals, and how dangerous it is in the wrong hands. between the disappearance of colors (Im pretty sure that was the result of a wish, I may be misremembering), the disappearance of the country, and the king being nearly successful in freezing all of vaugarde in time, it only takes one wish to take out massive chunks of the world at a time

we know that wish craft is very entwined in the culture of the country (the story written about in the journal is told as a cautionary fairy tale, the rituals themselves are so deeply ingrained in sif that the wish to forget the country did not restrict his memory of the rituals, and he can perform wish craft without even being fully aware he is doing it)

it seems reasonable to me that the reason for the country's disappearance was to hide the existence of wish craft and the rituals to access that power from the rest of the world. considering sif didnt even remember his culture AND had good intentions, and still nearly ended the world, seems like that concern is pretty well founded. however, thats not the important theory Im making this post about

the country has knowledge of wish craft in conjunction with worship of the universe. "the universe leads, we can only follow," "the universe willed it," seems pretty safe to say that sif's Universe is the "entity" that is granting wishes

the way wishes are described, they dont seem like something the universe grants based on who worships it. as long as you know the ritual, you get the wish. everyone is part of the universe, after all, worshiper or not

Admittedly, its a bit of a stretch to say that the universe as a collective force has any sense of empathy for human struggles. but using the change god as an example, as spiteful as they are to sif, and unsympathetic to anything other than a human's role in the concept of change, they still show a great deal of care and favor to mira, someone who loves them. it is possible for a deity to care for those that care about it

sif, despite no longer having access to his culture or why he cares about the universe, still loves the universe, very very deeply, just as much as mira loves change. the change god says that sif's deity will never answer him, but I dont think thats the case

and this is the important headcanon that I am making this post for

sif is performing the rituals, so he gets the wishes, simple as. but I feel strongly that his wishes getting granted in very small but noticeable ways, despite not knowing how or why hes doing it, is the presence of his universe helping him, caring for him, even when he doesnt remember it

the strongest evidence for this, and the basis for this whole thing, is exactly how euphrasie breaks down in act 5

at first I only really noticed when she laughs, it reminded me very much of how the change god, a being who uses sprites of other characters and has done a whole possession, laughed during their encounter. they and euphrasie are the only two that use anything other than "ha," and right after this laugh is when her breakdown pauses and she says the lines

"... Soon you'll be able to go back to your normal lives. Away from battle and strife. Finally, you'll all be able to go home!!!"

which, knowing the end of the game is coming, is incredibly relevant. very deliberate

before this pause, her breakdown seems pretty chaotic. the characters and the player are just coming out of one harrowing experience, and are clearly headed for another. the cohesiveness of this glitchy breakdown amongst a mess of the rest of the world doing the same isnt really high up on the list of priorities. none of the characters notice anything beyond the fact that reality is breaking, not even sif. it just sounds like scary nonsense.

but with the context of euphrasie being possessed to talk to sif, every single one of her lines makes perfect sense

(footage from Zhain Gaming on yt)

the universe is there its talking directly to him, it was there the whole time

the Universe loves Sif so much

#isat #in stars and time #isat spoilers #isat act 5 spoilers #I have no idea how obvious this is or if its old news #since I havent seen anyone else talk about it #but the relationship between sif and the universe makes me emotional #I wrote this at 3 am based on memory #at first I wasnt too confident in it since it was only based on the laugh and the lines that follow it #this was just something that made me happy that I was gonna keep no matter what #but when I went back to look at the lines and found that every one lined up‚ I cried #anyway #I wanted to write this whole thing after listening to Secret For The Mad by Dodie under the lens of the universe talking to siffrin #special shoutout to pidgey who joked that the universe was adrienne actually #they were goofing but as a high concept meta art thing I can definitely appreciate #speaks

[sergeantwoods]

soap needed some time - some time to rewind. after missions, depending on how they were, he'd feel... overwhelmed. mind reeling, going over everything that had happened. he needed his journal to write down what he felt, how he felt, what had happened, so that he wouldn't have to remember it after. it was nice.

and he'd draw too, if he was feeling the urge to sketch something down.

and it was fucking gorgeous right now. they were in al mazrah, some in and out mission to gather intel. it was just the four of them, just soap, ghost, price and gaz. he (personally) liked those missions the most.

laswell set up this safehouse for them, just for the night, because tomorrow morning, exfil would come and pick them up. they each had their own rooms, small with a twin sized bed that was probably too small for any of them - but that was fine, soap probably wasn't going to sleep in a while. he'd go back to his room when he felt like it.

his gazed swept over the desert, the sun slowly sinking over the belt of amber sand in the distance. everything was lit in an ethereal orange glow, his already tan skin practically glowing. (he wasn't saying that to make himself feel pretty, no sir.)

he had his journal in one hand, pen twirling idly in his fingers of the other as he watched the sunset. he had written down everything in his journal about the mission, and now, with this view - he wanted to draw.

but - he felt as though he couldn't capture it. the otherworldly beauty couldn't be caught on paper. he had two pens - one thick, one thin - but that didn't matter really. the colors, the colors are what he wanted to draw.

fuckin' hell, he'd die for some pencils or markers even watercolor, but he isn't bringing any of that to a mission. that's bordering childish. it's nice to be childlike every once in a while, no?

he leaned back onto the roof, shutting his eyes and letting out a small breath. it's nice. pretty, and the weather is perfect. he'd stay here for the rest of his life, if he could.

the almost silent padding of feet approaching him made him open one eye to glance scornfully at the intruder. he immediately softened, though, seeing ghost.

leaning forward, soap patted the spot next to him, uncrossing his legs and letting them swing off the edge of the building. ghost came to stand beside soap, slowly crouching down to sit next to him.

they just sit there. quiet, excluding the shuffles of ghost shifting his weight around and soap sketching on paper.

soap pulls away from his paper, turning to stare at ghost.

the man was bathed in a tawny light, white mask basking in beige-ish cream sunlight. he turned to look at soap, tilting his head slightly as if asking, what's on your mind?

"did you know, after death the human brain lives on for seven minutes?" soap asked, quietly. his gaze slid away from ghosts, settling on focusing again on his paper before adding with a shrug, "to replay it's best memories,"

he felt ghost press closer to soap slightly, then murmured back, "yeah? that's cool to think about."

"aye."

it's quiet for a few seconds before soap continues.

"you'd be my seven minutes."

-

i saw something about this and i had to write it but ghoap

but yay, yippee, zoinks ,,,!!! the writings bad because i didnt care!!!

take some fucking ghoap you loser /j

#call of duty #cod mw2 #cod mwii #modern warfare ii #cod #soapghost #ghostsoap #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #ghoap #sarges blurbs

[hydrobunny]

sweet nothing

tags: songfic, established relationship, no dialogue (kinda? its italics not quotes), taylor swift songs

wc: 2.2k

i spy with my little tired eye, tiny as a firefly, a pebble that we picked up last july.

the beach has always been you and sae itoshi’s safe place. there are no prying eyes, no bloodthirsty paparazzi, no nothing.

its quiet. the way it should be, you think. it takes you back to simpler times, times when sae stood a chance against the overwhelming tide of devoted fans.

you two had been here before. actually, the two of you had been to dozens of beaches before. but this one is special.

this particular beach lies barely an hour away from sae’s hometown, barely an hour away from junior high football fields filled with overgrown grass and memories. if you two wanted, you could visit sae’s parents this very day.

but you two don’t want to. and that’s not the only reason that makes this beach significant. some ways down the shoreline, past the well-populated sands and discarded sandcastles, there’s an outcropping of rocks.

by themselves, the rocks aren’t necessarily anything to gawk at. but they’re where sae told you he loved you; where you heard sae laugh for the first time. you lean into his solid form as you reminisce. his arm gently wraps around your shoulders.

it had been a hot, almost scorching day in july. the two of you had somehow escaped sae’s overbearing manager, sprinting down the burning sand holding nothing but each other’s hands.

you were the first to need to stop, of course. sae could have likely ran down the entire beach if he wanted to, but you weren’t even close to that stamina level. you had doubled over right by those rocks, clutching your side like you would never breathe again. (you did.)

while you recovered, he collected an assortment of pebbles, kicking some an outrageous distance away and skipping the rest into the water. it was glaringly juvenile, the way he narrowed his eyes and felt each rock for that perfect shape.

you had watched him until he told you to stop. with a smile, you joined him in the endeavor to skip one rock five separate times before it could sink into the dark blue waves. (neither of you could do it in the end.)

when the sky began to bleed into pinks and reds, you climbed onto the largest rock there, sae watching your movements warily. you told him to come on, get up here and he did, rolling his eyes all the way. the two of you watched that sun set, dipping below the horizon until all that was left of it was the rainbow of colors left in the sky.

 you looked at sae and told him you loved him. 

you never even gave him a chance to respond, immediately diving into the cooling sea in a whirl. you’re still not sure why you did it, why you had seen his mouth open and decided you couldn’t bear to hear his answer and would prefer getting your clothes wet.

he had jumped in after you with barely any hesitation. he didnt need to - you were surprisingly quite the swimmer - but he did, arms wrapping around you, legs kicking toward the surface.

you opened your eyes through the hazy and stinging film of saltwater and saw sae laughing. you doubt if anyone (well, maybe rin years and years ago) had ever seen him like that before. his laugh was just as beautiful as him, and it had gotten you to laugh as well.

when all traces of laughter had ebbed away, he met your eyes and told you you were an absolute idiot. and then he told you but i love you and then you two were kissing in the sea, tasting the salty tang of seawater on each others’ lips. (he tells you later the salt came from your tears. you refuse to believe him.) 

his manager almost killed you when you both returned dripping wet. 

his manager might still kill you today, you think. you’re pretty sure sae was supposed to be in some tv interview twenty minutes ago. but he doesn’t mention it, and you don’t want to break this peace anyway.

the seagulls swoop over your heads, and you whisper another i love you into the world.

  they said the end is coming, everyone’s up to something. i find myself running home to your sweet nothings.

sae itoshi knows he’s talented. he knows that there are millions of people that would kill to be who he is currently: a football genius with clubs throwing money at his feet in hopes he’ll bless them with his skills.

but he doesn’t need all the fucking bootlicking. he has one goal after all: to be the number one. there's nothing he can gain from the interviews his manager pushes him into, the photo shoots they make him stand for.

sae wonders what would happen if he were to suffer some career ending injury. would japan still love him? or would they tell him it was his own fault, his failed responsibility of becoming the best?

despite anything and everything that could happen to him, despite the way the money grabbing ceo’s want to milk every last drop out of him, there exists one certainty in sae’s life.

you love him.

you tell him so just about every day, in person, a phone call, or even a hasty three letter text message.

and he loves you.

it's the one thing that will forever stay constant in his life. it's more predictable than shidou asking him for just one chance, more predictable than rin being able to flawlessly score a goal using sae’s passes.

he doesn't have to think about it anymore. he calls you right after practice ends and right before it starts. he presses a kiss onto your lips every morning before his run and another when he comes back home.

you greet him with nothing but a smile and a missed you. you ask him about his day, and he actually enjoys doing the same to you. you answer him happily as you run your fingers soothingly over the knots in his back. he lets you talk and talk, words barely ever leaving his lips.

neither of you hold any expectations from the other. there’s no criticism, no frustrating questions that leave him irritated and snippy.

its just a relationship. an exchange of mutual trust and affection. its the promise of forever, the assurance that nothing will ever change.

so when you laugh near him with a flush in your cheeks, sae thinks that's all he could ever need.

on the way home, i wrote a poem; you say “what a mind.” (this happens all the time.)

the car is silent. you stare out the window, watching the trees blur by. it's been a while since you've felt so…melancholy. something about the way the scenery leaves as fast it appears makes you sad.

sae asks if you're feeling okay from the driver's seat. its not often you get the chance to drive together, but you're glad for every extra minute. even if it means he can tell when you're feeling off.

you're honestly not sure what to respond with. you shrug, a quiet just thinking leaving your parted lips.

he slows the car down, shooting you a look that tells you you better find a better response. you look at him helplessly in turn. it's just so strange to think about, isn't it? the trees they blink by in a matter of seconds will continue to grow for centuries, while you and sae will be gone from the world. you and him will never get to see the beauty that blooms on earth after your lives.

sae looks at you in disbelief. he’s never heard you be so cynical before, and it’s quite uncharacteristic. you give him a smile and turn back to the window with an exhale.

four turns later, he tells you that you’re unbelievably idiotic and shouldn’t be so negative. everyone knows they’re doomed to die from the start, so why get so moody about it? you’re both in the prime of your lives; at least give him another fifty years to show you the entire world before you start complaining about being in the wrong generation.

you laugh and tell him that it’s a promise, that he’ll let you drain his bank account if it means you get to see some architectural miracle.

he grumbles that you’re already taking all his money, but gives his agreement anyway. (it’s not like he would ever actually have financial problems in this lifetime anyway. all those sponsorships and games won makes sure of that.)

thirteen minutes away from your home, you murmur out a thank you and sae squeezes your hand three times in reply.

outside they’re push and shoving; you’re in the kitchen humming. all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing.

when sae asks you to marry him, he does it in your shared apartment before you've even had your morning coffee.

there’s no fanfare, no obnoxious cheering and photography. he just looks at you from the bedroom door- looks at your messy bedhead, the way you sway from side to side as you insert one of those coffee pods- and gets down on one knee. he doesn’t even have a ring yet, for god’s sake. it’s still in his nightstand drawer besides a photo album.

it takes you much longer than it should to process. you blink at him with wide wide eyes and the cofeemaker starts pouring behind you but you just stand and stare. sae doesn’t get nervous often, but this might be one of those times.

finally, after what feels like hours, you ask if he couldn’t have at least waited until you brushed your teeth, if he was going to even get you a ring, and takes his hand.

he shrugs and admits that it’s in the bedroom, and you push him away with a screech of do it again.

so sae begrudgingly shuffles back into the bedroom, smiling at how you frantically pat down like your hair like people are watching.

a minute later, he kneels down before you for the second time that morning with a velvet box in his hand. he opens it slowly, revealing the much too expensive ring in it.

you gasp with enough surprise that it really does feel like a first proposal, but he can see the laughter twinkling in your eyes.

sae slides the ring onto your finger carefully. it’s a perfect match (he made sure of that), and sits snugly next to your knuckle.

you stare at it- and him- with stars in your eyes, and coffee overflows past the cup and onto their kitchen floor with a tap, tap, tap.

and the voices that implore, “you should be doing more,” -to you, i can admit that im just too soft for all of it.

the public doesn't like it. when do they ever like anything? but they especially don't like how he refuses to let a single reporter on the church grounds, how he almost cancels the whole thing and flies you to vegas instead.

it's rin that convinces him to stick with the goddamn proper wedding, surprisingly. because you deserve it, the younger itoshi hisses out into sae’s ear.

and sae knows he’s right. rin has the tendency to be right.

so even though he knows you wouldn't care where or how they exchange those rings, he stands at that altar, the smell of roses soothing his nerves.

when you walk down that aisle, you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. all other senses are drowned out by the sight of you, all rosy cheeks and long lashes.

he swallows, hard, when you finally reach your place at the altar. the officiant announces the exchange of vows, and sae braces himself.

the first sound out of his mouth is a hoarse whisper of nothing. he coughs immediately to clear his throat, and your lips twitch upward.

sae stands up straighter (his spine is already ramrod straight), and starts again.

he’s spent the last month and a half poring over these words. he wants- needs you to know how deep his feelings for you are. he needs you to know he would never hurt you, how he would fall from grace just to feel your touch.

so when sae concludes his vows with a dedication of all his future wins to you, he’s almost proud to see tears glimmering in the corner of your eyes.

and then you begin your vows, and he thinks he's been sorely outdone. every one of your words go straight to his heart like an arrow, and he can feel himself bleeding out.

but you revive him over and over again with each confession of love, each tiny moment shared, and he somehow falls even deeper in love with you.

when you finish, sae itoshi realizes it's hopeless. for the rest of his life, it will always be you. no other person will ever hold his heart in the palm of their hand like you do. even football pales

in comparison to the thought of forever with you.

and you two kiss, husband and wife, and he realizes that’s perfectly fine with him.

a/n: happy 50 followers !?!?! this is a songfic so its a diff writing style than my usual stuff, but this kind of writing will only be for songfics. 

reblogs and feedback appreciated!

#blue lock x reader #itoshi sae x reader #sae itoshi x reader #blue lock fluff #blue lock #hydrobunny #songfic #my magnum opus fr

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

My Old man's tale about benetint (product) & review:

in summer 2008 i was 14 & my best friend's family took me to Vegas w them. she had only just moved to my school for 9th grade & i hadn't met her older sister til this trip. She was 21 & soooo insanely beautiful like if barbie was a hollister model she had the look so refined in every sense, i was dazzled by her.

& she was so sweet to us, my friends parents went & did their own thing so the whole trip we spent with her but she wasn't annoyed about it at all she seemed content to hang w us & protect us from vile men along the strip.

On this trip i went to sephora for the first time. hadn't heard of it before. it had huge windows so everything was glowing from sunlight & it was sooo overwhelming. my friend's sister liked this brand benefit so i picked out a little starter kit that came w bad gal mascara, high beam highlighter, booing concealer, and benetint.. Let me tell you for the next year i cherished this kit like it elevated me a new level towards Prestiged Adult Woman status. but the makeup was noticeably nicer quality for sure! from my memory at least.

the thing i remember most was benetint cus i wore it soooo much for the rest of the summer & beyond, i stretched that tiny bottle as far as it wld go cus i luved it sm.. but after it ran out i never tried to use it again idk just being a teen moving onto the next thing. But lately i jst rly wanted a goood lip tiiiint cus i dont wanna b wearing lipstick or gloss all the time its too much i just want chapstick but i like a little more color too.. usually i wld use lip liner but it always felt like it wld smudge off so quick n its kinda drying.

so i tried benetint again bcus i remember it being so easy to put on n then just forget about, it didnt get on ur clothes or teeth or nothin. after wearing for a couple weeks i can say this is still tru! i rly like it, very convenient, chapstick goes gr8 over top so my lips r never dry from it. its kind of expensive but it lasts a long time , for me i dnt have much makeup rn so felt nice to get st i actually use ^^ the taste & smell of it are mildly rosey, rly brings me back to those times..

being in vegas those 4 days w my friend n her sis are definitely a core memory for me it was totally surreal. i wish i had photos still but no clue where to find them, my friend's fb account got hacked years ago n had to get deleted, so many photos gone </3 we stayed at treasure island & across the street was this huge mall that was repeatedly playing an ipod commercial with the song Shut Up & Let Me Go by the ting-tings, like... ON REPEAT, ALL DAY & ALL NIGHT, so that song gives me the wildest flashbacls like i'm literally There. In the august heat. i can smell it like. its amazing thank you advertising :)

this is not an ad btw i mean obviously LOL i honestly just got thinking so hard about vegas '08 after purchasing The Product. oh yeah there was thunderstorms too... i went to hot topic at the mall which was wild for me since they didnt have one any where near my town.. i got some shorts from hollister i remember, also a rarity. friends sis got me my first ever drink, a peach daquiri...just one <3 it was such a nice break from my woeful home life lol i wanted to live in america so bad after this xD

thats my story...o and benetint is chill i mean i genuinely wanted to recommend it to ppl who want st simple it looks rly pretty cus until this i was struggling to find anything worthwhile. theres other shades too. Yup. Thanksyou for reading my LiveJournal Entry tonight minasan ^_^ Hope you're well x

-PMD9

#frossworld #pochitareviews

[uniformbravo]

since i've spent the past few days essentially staring at nothing but natsuyuu volume covers i thought it'd be so fun and silly to try and redraw them all from memory tee hee. all 30 (thirty) (三十) of them!!! wheee!!!!

i haven't actually looked at them next to the originals yet so guess what time it is!!!! LET'S COMPARE

starting with volume 1. iconic. show stopping. masterpiece. the mona lisa of natsuyuu SURELY i reproduced every single detail perfectly such that it kickstarts my career as a forgery artist RIGHT

well feast ur eyes

(im using the english volumes for comparison btw they have a good clear view of the art)

CAN U TELL WHICH IS WHICH OOO THEYRE SO ALIKE BET U CANT!!! SPOT THE DIFFERENCE LEVEL 1000 WHICH ONE DO U SHOOT

all i remembered for this one was GREEN and it's not even the right shade of green ajgosugdjfkdgj i even made the fuckin. what do u call it. i'll just say yukata??? I MADE IT GREEN AND ITS SUPPOSED TO BE RED i stg if u held a gun to my head & asked if there was any red on vol 1 i'd be DEAD

but i remembered the book of friends is like. weirdly purple? ok well in this pic it looks p gray BUT ON OTHER COPIES...... IF U UP THE SATURATION GKSJKDNFKDG

why is nyanko sensei smack dab in the middle HUH i couldve sworn he was bottom left this is so fucked up and scary. haunted manga volume??????? i bought it from a grarage sale idk you guys-

at least natsume's pose is like kind of right but also that's most definitely a complete accident i can ASSURE u (im rereading this the next day and the pose isnt even CLOSE what are u TALKING ABOUT)

anyway can i just fucking point out the kanji on the book of friends bc that is from MEMORY YEEHAW here's what it's Supposed to look like: 友人帳

LIKE even tho i got the last one wrong ITS LIKE STILL PRETTY CLOSE??? i think i deserve 100 points for this objectively

MOVING ON THO....

OK NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT SURPRISINGLY im actually like. i thought i bombed this one completely but liKE THE COMPOSITION??? KIND OF ON POINT. KIND OF GENIUS TBH

i remembered Blue and Madara and like what else do u need rly. butterflies are optional in all scenarios imo

also i NEVER have any idea what natsume's wearing in any of these so i always just like default throw him into his school uniform LMAO u will see a pattern

why is the book of friends burgundy in this one btw. it was GRAY i mean purple definitely purple aha

ok volume 3 im actually scared for i know i fucked up SOMETHING

HGLKFKGLKFKGFN OK!!!!! OK NOT SUPER AWFUL!!!! just noticed i forgor to color the book of friends fukg

main thing i remembered abt this one was the color of natsume's... attire.... and which characters were present. whats sensei doing all the way up in the top corner tho 0/10

return of the school uniform lmaooooo hm. irrelevant who cares plus didnt ask. all things considered this wasn't as bad as i thought. THE NEXT ONE HOWEVER,

hsngjfgnfjn okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

sensei's way cuter in this one than i realized wait wtf this cover's cute af how did i never notice. underrated cover -10 @ me. look at his lil BLEP >:O!!!!!!!

i knew there was some fuckshit going on w the yukata in this one ourhg i was just like hehe greeennnn also sensei's there. my work here is done

what is natsume's pose even hgnkg i was straight up making shit up at this point LIKE the first 6 or so covers are SO hard for me to distinguish in my head i should get a free pass for the poses in all of them like i can do whatever i want IM the artist now

oh god whats next vol 5

OK!!!! like a straight 5/10 TBH i literally forgot i was planning on rating these LMAO

i remembered the like white v-neck shirt thing and his pose kind of??? i had NO idea what to do for the yukata tho i just made it orange and u know what?? close enough. my rule of thumb is just like pick a color and then throw flowers all over it u cant go wrong

taki looks so much more mysterious on the original and also wearing a skirt. i gave her a big stick bc i thought i remembered her having one in general but i think i made that up tbh wouldn't put it past me. got her hat right tho hee haw

cant believe i didn't get natsume's beautiful artwork tho look at that little shit sensei up there god hes so ROUMD literally moma material

PROBABLY my best one yet uhhhh but i maybe cheated JUST a little for this one ITS LIKE BARELY CHEATING STOP BOOING ME

as i was toying w the idea of doing this redraw thing i was still working on collecting my Images and Pictures so i kinda started taking note of a few small things here & there and one of them was just. the general gist of this cover SO LIKE that's why it's so good LOL

forgor the flowers tho. i literally forget everything that isn't a character like immediately BUT OK CUT ME SOME SLACK like after a point the covers start being whole ass scenes which are SO much easier to remember shit abt than the fuckin Green Void (p sure this is the last green void cover tho)

8/10 composition is gr8 but details like the shirt & the yellow flowers are wrong, also the stick is backwards. i literally looked up what that thing is called and forgot already tee hee

OK WE'RE NOT DONE W THE GREEN VOID I REPEAT-

fuck dude. fuck. i rly thought vol 6 was the last one LOL not to spoil but as i was grabbing these images i saw a Preview of what's to come and the green void lasts until fuckign volume TEN LOL collapses onto the ground and dies

so erhermrm this is vol 7 lolllll i remembered the bg flowers this time can u believe hahaha distracts u from the fact that LITERALLY everything else is wrong auhghg

u know what the green void turned into bushes and i think that's beautiful.... like points for creativity on my part tbh. like to be completely honest. 3/10 i got the characters right

YO????? GATE CONFIRMED LET'S GO?????? it's definitely the school gate but i choose to believe natsume & tanuma r in jail for crimes and u should too

actually this is shockingly accurate for how much i goddamn struggled w this one gkjsldkg the CHARACTERS are right the OUTFITS are right SENSEI'S THERE urgh i knew one of these covers had tanuma holding sensei like that but i couldn't remember Which

i can't believe i actually got tanuma's pose that close i rly thought i was bullshitting w that one wtf. +5 points instantly

do u like how i just scribbled sensei wherever lmaoooo i drew natsume & tanuma & went like. i think sensei's in this one. PLOP

6/10 honestly closer than i thought

OK........ I SEE........ literally dies

this one i was getting MASSIVELY confused w vol 4 bc i could remember nothing distinct abt either of them except Green and natsume w Big Doggie

i remembered the BARE essentials of the composition but not much else... since i thought the green void was gone i put the green i remembered into natsume's yukata (and then put him in the school uniform again LOL) and went WELP. GUESS I'LL DIE NOW

2/10 honestly one of the worst fucking ones lskdjflsdkg

OK THIS ONE.... i almost died irl trying to remember this shit, even before i started and i was still viewing the covers i was like there is no way in HELL im remembering this shit for vol 10. and i was right

like. Purple. White Mask. Antlers. WILD layered clothing. at first i drew the mask as an actual deer skull but later had a straight up epiphany and redrew it like that which... still not correct but I MEAN.... IT'S PRETTY GOOD

i cant believe most of the purple is the bg oughgh his clothes are WHITE..... this is fucked up. i DID remember the stick tho, bells and everything!! actually bells and nothing else!!!

7/10 ok it might seem high but CONSIDERING this design..... i think i did shockingly well TBH

NOT...... the worst...... one....... i could've sworn he was sitting on a pile of books this is so sad that woulda been so cute 😭

for a second when i saw the real cover again i thought he was sitting ON the bookshelf and i was about to RIOT but its okay it's a step stool. still physically possible

my version of natsume here is so much more like Proper gksld he looks like a school boy... studying in the academy's library... hardworking student.... but no the real one is just sitting there like a wet puppy orz he's not even READING i rly thought he was reading. this is such a huge L

cannot fucking believe i was right abt the window tho. like wrong shape but the fact that it's even there.... giving myself a whole ass point for that one

5/10 i rly thought i nailed this one gksgndfkj

also RIP TO THE GREEN VOID U WILL NOT BE MISSED o7

ah shit ok. well one of them was in the school uniform at least fjgugjdkf

why is my natsume lying there like hes abt to start a therapy session, boy would NEVER-

also the plushie hmnmhnmhngnf i dont KNOW i knew there was some kind of prop there but like gun to my head i woulda died again. main colors that stood out to me for this were green and that bluish purple so i got those into mine but i mean. well u can see

once again a random window in the bg i got correct let's gooooo 5/10

LMAO SPITS OUT MY DRINK WHOOPSIE!!!!!!

this is so fucking bad im choking im gurgling LOLLLL i was SO sure natsume's paper had an eye on it i was POSITIVE this is so fucked up. i mean obvs i picked that up from sensei but like i didn't even KNOW sensei was there. or that there were bg characters at all uuuuuououohghh (matoba ignored +5)

i was like. black yukata red flowers CHECK piece of paper w eye CHECK horns CHECK i even went back and edited the horns to be more accurate i was so proud of myself sobs

ok but i knew it was shit trasjh when those were the ONLY details i could remember bc obviously there was gonna be more going on I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH MORE.....

straight up dookie/10 no jk fr like 3/10 @ me u need to use ur EYES

OK..... I WAS VERY CONFIDENT ABT THIS ONE..... except for his outfit i knew i was bullshitting that BUT I THOUGHT I NAILED THIS ONE....... the one fucking time i didn't just default to his uniform LMFAO

even remembered the pink flower ball smh and for WHAT. i knew he was sitting in a pile of plushies & blankets or smth but no way in HELL was i even gonna attempt to draw them with a speck of detail. but HEY the plushie i drew for vol 12!!! i knew he existed Somewhere. he doesn't even have a horn tho thats so fucked up i thought he did

obviously the most striking thing abt this cover is the bg w that deep burgundy & the circular window so that was the main thing i nailed down right away (my palette was more muted tho). also natsume sitting there w paper in his mouth but i thought he was mid return when rly hes playing like keep-the-balloon-off-the-floor or whatever the fuck he's doing. i love u natsume

(if i thought he was in the middle of returning a name WHY didn't i include the actual book of friends flksglkd automatic fake fan/10)

8/10 this was like my ace in the hole i was like if i got nothing else i got U volume 14!!! and then

NOT THE FAMILY PHOTO......... FUCKING DIES

man idk shit just end me. whats even going on in this cover im gonna deck u natori. dont ask why this makes me want to commit violence hes just so. URHGHGHnH

i dont know whats happening to me rn looking at this im losing my fucking grip dude who let this happen im gonna hurl this volume into the sun??? i think???

why did i add the other two youkai i just thought they should be included but i played myself i had to draw them from memory and for WHAT. pls tell me i got them at least a little bit right i stg

it's the crossed legts dude if he was just sitting there like a board the way i drew him id be like ah shit it was just natori sitting not natsume too but he just HAS to cross his legs and the fucing elbow propped up holding the glasses im S MAD IM SO MADdestroy him

it's 1am i gotta go. i have to go. right now my mom is calling me i have to fukcng. 4/10 i got the couch colorr right. bye

---

tumglr...... only allows 30 pictures per post..... bc im not on desktop? or is that a site-wide thing now. in any case this is getting long so i think im gonna split it right down the middle into 2 posts so there u go, first 15 volumes. so far my score is ermmm

well i didn't rate the first few volumes.

vol 1: 6/10 decent

vol 2: 6/10 also decent

vol 3: 5/10 composition is Scramboled

vol 4: 2/10 it's SO BAD

so now my overall score is 74/150 fjggudjofjdkgjk doing gr8!!!!!!!!!

ok bye for real ✌️

#natsume yuujinchou #ny blogging #rieley doodles #retag later #this is me fighting my demons #why did i get so mad at natori at the end kgsndksjdfk #i say yukata a lot in this post but i think the piece of clothing im referring to might actually be haori in most of these cases #i think more ppl know what a yukata is than a haori tho so im just gonna leave it #(haori is the thing that u wear over the yukata. like a. cardigan)

[mischaswife]

Ghost of uraniam

Pairing: Ricky potts x fem!reader

Y/e/c= Your eye color, Y/H/C= Your hair color, you get the pattern

Tw:

Au: The whole choir got another chance to live, and ricky and walk and talk (sorry not that sorry)

Summary: After the accideint and being able to get to live again, He keeps seieng someone over and over agin that hes never seen. (Plus reader is like jane, they are very forgettable but not to ricky.)

Ricky felt relived that he and the rest of his choir mates got to live after the cyclone incident. Well Karnak put them 10 minutes before the were going to go on the ride, so the didnt because they knew what were to happen if they did. But he had felt stange after their Revival. Like someone always had their eyes on him, but when he looked around nothing. There was no one. Maybe he was just on edge after what happend or Maybe hes just parinoid, But he swears he feels eyes on his at all times.

In his 3rd period he feels someone watching him from the back pf the classroom from an angle. He looks back, theres just a girl looking away from him, not able to to see her face. Her hair is down, her uniform is crisp and clean. No one looked nor talked to her all period. When the bell rung after ricky grabbed his stuff she was fone before anyone else was. Weird. Lunch comes and shes there too. A few tables away facing away from him. Shes just sitting there, no food infront of her just sitting. Then shes gone when he looks back to see her. He doent see her the rest of the day. Hes about to go home, and sees her infront of pennt with her back turned so he couldnt see her face.

Stange. Thats all he thought whenever he saw her, well the back of her. Never seeing her face. The next day he talks to penny about this girl and shes confused, "Sorry, who?" she would say anytime he tried bring this mystery girl up. Hes seen her with each member of the choir. Only one had a fond reberence of her, Mischa. Weird, mischas memory is poor. "Oh you mean that girl whos uniform is more clean then anyone elses? Yeah ive spoken to her a few times" He tells ricky. "Well, what does she look like, like face wise?" Ricky asks mischa. "Her eyes are a shade of (Y/E/C) and her hair is (y/h/c), her skin a nice (Y/s/c)" Mischa says while on his phone barely looking at ricky. "Thanks" Ricky says with a sweet smile, "Anytime broski" Mischa says when ricky walks away.

His one mission, Find out who this girl is. He sees her the next day in 3rd period, Thank god shes here. They had partner work and they got to pick who they wanted to be with, Seeing that this girl was lone he walks up to her, He has on a sweet smile. "Hi" He days with a slight wave, The girl looks up at him with doe eyes "Hi.." She says back.

And that's how I'm going to end this because I've been trying to work on this for like 3 months and now I don't know what to wait for it anymore so this is all y'all get

#ricky potts x reader #rtc #ride the cyclone #mischa bachinski #fanfic #Ricky potts #ride the cyclone musical

[actualbird]

just curious and also just sharing the silly little thing my brain has done and has assumed is normal but now im wondering if it's not as common as i thought: any other long-time tot players have the hardest time remembering the simple rock-paper-scissors strengths of Card attributes?

this thing?

for those who also had/have a very difficult time remembering: you and i are cut from the same cloth, i Understand

for those who had no problem at all because "zak, it's three things??? how can you remember the exact cards where certain luke quotes happen but not remember these Three Things?" i dont know either, i wish i knew why my brain is terminally silly

been playing tot since july of 2021, ever since the global release, and up til like last month, i still could not remember this thing from memory, which made it mildly annoying cuz it only shows before debate and during debate but NOT when ur picking out decks and cuz i didnt wanna keep pressing Back to check the boss attribute (bc if i did, i would forget by the time i clicked the debate and went to deck choosing bit) i kept having to search up the miraheze wiki for tot cards just to remember and every time im like How Did I Not Remember This, It's Three Things

(for context, i also had immense trouble remembering simple science formulas also containing only Three Things like distance-speed-velocity and acceleration-velocity-time back in high school yet i had no trouble memorizing ALL the countries of europe in alphabetical order. i also regularly have trouble remembering which is left and which is right, which is even worse because thats only TWO THINGS, yet have no problem whatsoever remembering the binomial names of several birds)

i finally found a little way to remember them tho! im not good with arbitrary recognition cuz they dont have any particular meaning or rules (because listen, just thinking about "Logic beats Empathy, Empathy beats Intuition, and Intuition beats Logic" isnt naturally intuitive at All for me), so i finally did the smart thing and just....gave them meanings and rules in a way that pleases my brain:

fruit

behold, how ive remembered the tears of themis card attributes after 1+ year of being an idiot constantly checking the wiki to remember Three Things: The Clockwise Strawberry Blueberry Triangle

strawberry points up because a strawberry cant stand on its pointy part. the green this is always in the bottom, because thats where the green naturally comes out. but the strawberry is at an angle, because it's got a blueberry friend to prop it up at the lower left corner. order of strengths is clockwise, because the point of the strawberry is Obviously the most powerful since it is highest up in the triangle and i can just work my way up through the rest from there. assign all the attributes back onto this fruit triangle corresponding to their color, and voila!

i dont know why i wrote up this post at 6am, but it seemed like a fun idea at the time. additionally, the fruits have succesfully solved my conundrum and now i can remember attributes like no fuckin problem, and have thusly said goodbye to the miraheze card tab ive had open for months that lived rent free on my laptop.

you can rest now, dear tab. youve served me well. but now i have a silly little triangle of fruits

#dootdootdoot #im gonna have breakfast and forget i made this post and come back and be like ''i shldnt be allowed to post until ive had coffee'' #cuz 9am!zak is marginally more of a killjoy than 6am!zak #posts made by normal regular people who function normally and regularly i swear i swear. normal regular 23 year old who #needs fruits in a triangle to remember thREE THINGS

[alkalineleak]

ME ME ME I DO I WANNA KNOW

UVE ENABLED ME okokokokok. the sky has been having troubles for fucking millenia for one reason: they cannot create life. they have TRIED they have sculpted THOUSANDS of lands and people and have tended to so much soil but it NEVER works. EVERY eclipse the sun and moon do to try and create life ONE more time and the stars gather around and HOPE but it always falls through.

eventually the tension from all of it became too much and on the very last time the moon and sun eclipsed, shadow snakes COVERING a freshly molded earth, and it didnt work, and it turned violent ! it started small, just an argument, but then crescents were chipped and sunrays where snapped.

heres a note !!!!! the sun and moon are Much, Much bigger than the tiny star gods that serve them. like maggots on a carcass. this is to say that when the forces that keep your "life" together clash hard, its hard to find stable ground! which is to say that heaven ran out of room and stars starting falling out of the sky.

these tiny gods, barely the size of mountains, started falling. some fell into deep cavities in the new earths trenches, others fell onto elavated land and stayed there, some startled crawling, and others fell onto mountains. it all ended the same either way !!!! bodies stacked ontop of each other, craddling each other, blood that kept crossing the line from blue to red to black over and over again, and the sky did not quiet.

EVENTUALLY through the gentle poking and prodding of exposed muscle from skidding on hard dirt and cracked open skulls that couldve either been Chosen Intimacy or a too tired attempt at continuing violence, blood started filling out the world. from those impaled on mountains water flowed down valleys that bigger gods didnt realise they made, flowing down into fingerprint indents that turned into ponds, and down into coasts and down into the trenches. if the stars in the trenches did not die when they fell they certainly died when they had drowned from their own blood and the blood coming from above !

give it a few days, a few storms, and the sun and moon did not even look at each other. they had not realized the newly filled oceans moved alongside the moon like it missed her. they did not realize tiny sprouts of green were filling alongside banks and coasts. they did not realize until fish, made out of recycled body parts, scales opalescent with mismatched colors, started crawling onto land.

and then they realised the one time they abandoned any care for creation, they made it.

storms picked up.

you wouldve thought thatd be a bad thing, but it just spread elements trapped on certain islands to others like a plague.

the early days were FILLED with STORMS and TRAGEDY but no matter How Hard the sun and moon tried life Kept Coming Back, not only that it fucking FLOURISHED !!!!!! and so they had to sit there as they watched their world evolve, start to have consciousness and culture as people started building their societies and finding the ghosts of the coast, the wild, the heights, and eventually when they died unimportant to a greater world, back to the depths where angry caretaker gods sat there and sapped away memory from the dead.

tl;dr the sun and moon Wanted to be in charge of MORE so they Eclipsed (you read into that) and then it kept not working so they beat each other up so hard it emptied heaven of its stars. and then the stars fell onto a very INCONVENIANTLY shaped earth that has sharp blunt edges and FALL DAMAGE and they die. not only do they die they die INTIMATELY !!!! + blood fills up EVERYTHING so theres oceans and rivers now -> the blood makes things come ALIVE FOR ONCE -> divorced sky gods HATE THAT so they try to kill it and FAIL !!!!!!! and now theres life in plants and animals and people ! the ghosts of the stars aka minor gods that fell haunt mountains, coasts, plains, and the bottom of the ocean! and thats the creation myth!

NOTES ALSO. BC THIS SHIT IS DENSE I HAD FUN

the four major locations of ocean, coast, plains and mountain are important bc they have different USES and POWERS and shit. like for example the depths aka the ocean contain the lost ! no living thing SEES the bottom of the ocean bc THATS THE LAND OF THE DEAD !!!!!! THERES A HIERARCHY OF GODS THAT MAKE THE PLACE RUN AND EVERYTHING!!! the spirits that go there are protected/trapped by guardians, are taken care of/subdued by caretakers, and have their senses and identity slowly stripped away until theyre dissolved oxygen in the ocean by weavers !!!!

HOWEVER !!!!!! THE SKY IS EMPTY RIGHT ? AND THE SUN AND MOON FUCKING HATE EACH TOHER. SO THEY HAVE TO FORCIBLY PUT DISTANCE IN THERE! so they take spirits that die as heroes, or important in some way, and make them into NEW stars !!!! to "commemerate their memory" HOWEVER ! the new stars are cursed to have their name forgotten. people will know of legends and titles and ideas, but NOT people.

:33 AN THATS THE CREATION MYTH

#i feel like i shoudl tag this. uh. #ask to tag #gore description #even if its like light. i think #askies :] #satin comets flying #<- HAVENT USED THAT TAG IN A WHILE... HI ^_^ #au: pirates #daydreams and muses

[haemosexuality]

memories i have of being a child and a lesbian:

-first week of 3rd grade, i walked in class and thought "ok i need to pick a boy to have a crush on this year". i thought that was just what you did. picked one bc i thought he had a cool haircut, proceeded to never have a conversation w him

-thinking "girls are naturally so much prettier than boys. this is common knowledge"

-being really jealous of the Cool Girl in my 4th grade class that was One Of The Boys. she played football with them. she sat really relaxed in chairs. she doesnt care about being pretty. isnt that just so cool? starts consciously trying to imitate her. also, even before that i always made sure to INSIST that my favorite color was blue and i did NOT like pink!!!!

-playing barbies with my cool, older cousin (she mustve been like 11? 12? i was around 8). her barbie was a mess because she had just broken up with her other barbie. i was confused. she explained to me what lesbians were (i knew men could be gay, but not women). immediately after that every single doll i had was a lesbian in a relationship. after figuring that it was probably a bit weird i was so obsessed with making my dolls lesbians, i came to the conclusion i would "probably like girls when i grow up". decided to tell my other, deeply religious cousin about this. she went "WHAT" and i went "HAHA JUST KIDDING IT WAS A JOKE" and never thought about it again

-a year later me and the deeply religious cousin were making ever after high dolls fuck. i was the one that came up w that idea (i also didnt know women could have sex at that point, i thought i had invented lesbian sex) and this haunted me for years bc i thought that that cousin had become homophobic after we grew up. recently found out shes also gay, good for her

-being just Really obsessed with marceline from adventure time for some reason. whenever i saw her on tv my heart would beat really really fast. wonder whats up w that 🤔

-being grounded for like, 5 months when i was 10 because my mom found out i was watching youtube videos from a lesbian couple. and also some videos with sex jokes. i wish i remembered that the lesbians channel was so bad

-i also watched lubatv. hes a brazilian youtuber famous for being openly gay. he introduced me to the concept of shipping, because ppl shipped him with another youtuber, t3ddy. he (plus facebook, and the cool older cousin from before) also introduced me to social activism

-asking permission from my parents to put a rainbow filter on my facebook pfp, in support of gay people. i thought i was such a good straight ally. i dont remember what happened but i think something negative mustve bc a lot of ppl were doing that in 2015. wait fuck now that i think about it that mightve actually been in 2016 because of pulse

- (we are still in 2015 im still 10) watching clips from Steven Universe Season 1 Episode 53 Jailbreak on youtube. they were (badly) subtitled bc i didnt speak english yet. i was absolutely shocked and could not believe they would show two girls kissing in a childrens cartoons, not bc i thought that was bad but bc i was like. would cartoon network really allow this??? i proceed to memorize the entire episode (again i didnt even speak english. and i watched it so many times i memorized it anyways lmao)

-being 11, and having my friend introduce to me this cool new thing she had found online, "fanfics". she linked me a college au fanfic of marceline and bubblegum from adventure time. it had a fade to black implied sex scene. i was hypnotized

-i was a very anxious child and every morning before getting to school i would prepare step-by-step what i would do when entering class. one day my internal monologue went "walk in, say good morning to teacher, kiss [previously mentioned girl best friend] on the mouth, say hello to- wait. where did that come from". start wondering if i was really Just A Really Good Straight Ally

-few days later, me and my friend group were discussing gay people. one of them asked "like i wonder if any of us are gonna be gay?". i thought for about 2.5 seconds and said "i think im bi", being the first one on my class to come out. they were all p chill ab it. i am not bi but its the thought that counts

-cutting off 30 inches of my really long hair and shaving one side at 11. my dad was mad at me for a week and he told me "i dont understand why you did this. you're looking like a dyke". originally i had planned to cut all of it really short "boy style" but the hairstylist insisted on at the very least letting half of it be longer. i did think half shaved hair was Cool so i was fine with that

#the ''i like blue not pink'' thing is interesting #bc i think that subconsciously i knew that was i Different from other girls but i didnt realize it #i was trying really hard to imitate the boys and separate myself from girly girls even tho i 100% was a girly girl #separate myself as in like. say that i was Not like them. not as in not hang out w girls i prefered being friends w girls #and like i had no idea why i felt the need to tell people i was not girly like them and that in fact i had more in common w boys #i know now obv but i think its interesting that that is how it manifested #also i came out as bi at 11 then as pansexual at 12 then as a panromantic agender girl w some obscure asexual label i no longer remember #at 13 #then just bisexual again at 13 then wait actually idk and finally lesbian at 14

[itsdappleagain]

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS??

THATS RIGHT IT'S TIME FOR THE STICKY RICE CAPER!!!

Alright, I'ma be honest here- there are a few episodes in CS which I just NEVER rewatch, and this one is kind of one of them. I don't know why. The start of Season 1 just never really invites me to click on it...BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY!

Every time I DO watch them I really like them!! So weird little mental block. ANYWAYS you know the drill by know let's get crack-a-lacking (or crackle lacking...his memories lmaooo)

WOO HOO our first caper episode!!! I love the caper formats- such a staple of the series (at the same time I wish we'd have gotten some deviation sometimes for...character based episodes or something but oh well).

OKAY HEY HI HAVE I GUSHED ABOUT THE INTRO ENOUGH YET BECAUSE I WILL NEVER EVER SKIP IT. ITS SO GOOD. THE BLACK AND WHITE WITH ONLY THE RED THE COOL BADASS MOMENTS THE AMAZING ANIMATION THE SCENE DESIGN HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

see the intro sets up a sort of mystery and finesse about carmen's character i wish we actually got more!! like she seems so mysterious but they infodump everything about her onto us in the first two episodes immediately. i promise ill stop complaining about the infodumping thing now though

okay also but the moment in the episode when it match cuts to carmen walking from the tower to the crosswalk its sooo fucking gooood

Carmen Sandiego Fun Fact: That guy who's Agent Zari's partner in Season 1 and shows up sometimes is actually not one guy but three identical ones who keep switching out

OH also the shift into color as she looks up godddd its so good i will talk about the intro more than the fucking episode

also the!! she does the thing from s2 e1 in the intro!!! in rio!!

the tone of voice she uses when she says "looky-loos" i didnt know that word could be kind of hot

i like how offended she sounds "I DID" djfdhasfdg shes like player of course i fucking did what do you think i am an amateur

calling vile sleazy is so funny as a kid (13 yo) watching for the first time i thought sleazy was kind of a bad word (its not) and it caught me so off guard

zack's first line....its so zack

ALSO i love the intro cards so much i didnt mention it last week (two weeks ago?) but theyre so fun

carmen: hey we've got a tail

zack: im going to shake my ass all night oh yeah

i love how little carmen is doing about the acme agents shes just like zack can we not :/ we KNOW she can do shit on boats, seeing as she clotheslined devineaux in s3 or whatever she did. threw a tree at him. what the fuck did she do to devineaux i dont remember

zack: HOW TO DRIVE A BOAT SAFELY (continues talking whilst not looking where he's going)

the background couple that gets doused with water twice as the boats go by and then are never acknowledged again are so funny why didnt they have more funny background moments like that jadshfgahdsgah

imagine if acme had actual projectile weapons like idk tranq darts carmen would be so arrested immediately

ivy did it first (talking about the suez canal)

love how ivy didnt need to have that beard on at all. really didnt honestly. she should have dressed in drag more actually i think

can you imagine the thoughts going through zari and jawline's heads when the frenchman turned into a 20 year old bostonian

THE BEARD WAS ONLY FOR THE CLOSE SHAVE JOKE.

how the hell did they scale the side of that boat

i like ivy's dumb orange cat energy in jumping 30 feet off of a barge without looking

i do agree with whoever else said they wished she'd gotten a better intro though. i don't think they quite knew what they wanted to do with ivy, and by the time they were like "hey maybe her thing with red drone is because she like builds stuff or whatever" they kind of. only got to relay that by having baby ivy go "hey we should give that lady a gun" in the boston tea party caper

the combination of three languages <3 never change ivy

"while i picked up carmen at the train station" okay so the river they're driving on is the river seine, right? its right by the eiffel tower as we see. fun fact: the nearest train station? 4 minutes away or less! cool detail

ivy definitely had time to get him food just saying . also still confused about why carmen took a train to paris but ive already hounded that detail last week so whatever

carmen completely blank faced saying "yum baguettes" to tease zack is so funny you didnt have to do that

i relish the intrigue and enthusiasm in carmen's voice when she goes "SO off to indonesia" we don't even see her face but she sounds so excited to go there agh

infodumping sections beloved. ive actually learned so much from them. we were talking about coffee and how it can be called java and i was like "OIHOOHOGFOGIHOOGOOGOG JAVA IS AN ISLAND IN INDONESIA HOME TO "THE BIG DURIAN" OR THE CAPITAL WHICH IS JAKARTA"

player: i have cool facts!! this is so cool!

carmen: i stopped paying attention five minutes ago actually sorry about that my thing now

so interesting btw that all records of acme agents are taken off of anything?? why dont they have identities anymore??

how?? did the cleaners manage to get crackle out if he "only woke up moments ago" which implies that someone like. watched him do that. moments ago. the cleaners just sliced a hole in the wall again like they do in s4 jkhfkhsadf

i like how devineaux thinks carmen would go after the gigantic blue diamond but also steal some more aussie shmuck's wallet AND his train ticket for good measure

the mints were suck a weird little thing to have devineaux have and i love that he had them?? idk if it was for the sole purpose of julia following them to the ACME Closet TM but theyre a cool little character thing that i kinda forgot about (bc the writers did too after the very start of the next season lol)

is crackle implying that he has crawled through sewer tunnels? is he referencing the shawshank redemption? is he referencing black sheep crawling through the drain pipes?

bellum is so funny "I AM LASER FOCUSED" (swimpes through fifteen unrelated tabs that are actively open) adhd icon

hey by the way why did she have missile launch sights and bomb tests and gun blueprints open. because. why didnt that ever go anywhere. i know she's orchestrated some of the most strange but also deadly capers in the show but. i. okay

"the student formerly known as black sheep"

PLS BELLUM IS SO SHORT

part of me wonders if shadow-san intentionally breaks up the height slant to make him feel out of place. if they wanted everything to look cohesive he would be sitting...maybe after malestrom. but he isnt, hes on the end and his height, in the lineup, is jarring compared to the slope of everyone else's.

mael also has some pretty good nicknames for her

love that one of their finest operatives is a year-in-the-field catgirl

the little silent laugh carmen does when zack starts reminiscing about how they met awww

r&d they make it sound so sinister. it means research and development

hello trailer scene. i love how carmen runs off screen for the trailer shot and then slows down to walk with them immediately because she actually has to be in the scene

the animation when she said "plan a" was so snappy

#feminism red drone is a she

(a bunch of lights flashing and making pew pew noises)

zack: STATE OF THE ART???!?!?!!

just kidding zack love ya

that tracking shot of red drone going through the lasers?? mwah

red drone out here with a strontium nitrate fire damn

what was their plan if someone was at the lab

that light moving behind them as they walk forward into the labbbbb

SEE theres the transition sentence for next ep!

what braincell of zack's saw a pile of white rice in a petri dish, first thought "that must be someone else's food" and then thought " i should eat this stranger's petri dish food"

also i am in love with how he just was about the bite down on the whole dish at once

the teeny tiny twitch of carmens teeny tiny nose as she sniffs the petri dish dahdjhdsdsg

cleo's capers: im going to steal four dresses >:)

bellum's capers: i will cause a famine for the entire population of the fourth largest country in the world and force them to either starve or submit to me via creating a monopoly of overpriced rice which is shit quality but their only choice, and will do so by releasing an untested superspore which hypothetically could mutate and wipe out all life on these islands if all goes wrong. teehee cat videos

zack and ivy's dialogue sounds like. you know when a teacher presents a problem and then in a really dumb vice they suggest an obviously bad solution? that

"we're thieves" ivy tomorrow you're going to tell a goat that your boss's name is carmen san jose and then almost die five times in the next week

ivy's so supportive. no braincells on planning but such a cheerleader /hj

here we see the majestic long-necked ivysaur stretching her neck for a leaf

pls zack looks so hungry and sad

"so vile can make a quick buck hehaha she has a surprise coming 😌"

she looks so hot when she jumps on the roof of the jeep and then jumps off a cliff. well right before anyway lmaoo

loook

ok just thought the glider mechanic was cool. anyway

VILE HENCHMAN WATCH THE FUCKING ROAD

"HYASSSSSS" tigress never change

i love that they kept the consistency in the boston bean caper that tigress wasnt there- just the gays

tigress free plastic surgery!! good surgery? no. but free

i love when cs does high motion shots and the background just becomes one streaky color

zack driving down the cliff so true actually

ivy saw carmen climb on the hood and jump off a cliff and did the same thing. ivy dont do that

i also love the consistency of ivy being able to pick locks. she's been able to since the boston molasses disaster caper

carmen almost falls off of very quickly moving vehicles quite a lot

yes i would thats why im asking pls this show

carmen isnt really so much protecting the face as dodging very quickly and hoping

the animation of the car swerving as the durian hits it 👌

i like how immediately ivy goes flying and ZACK COULDNT SEE THE WHOLE TIME??? HOW DID HE NAVIGATE THAT TURN

that weird "eYAHOO" ivy makes is playing my my head 24/7

vile ops constantly have carmen in situations where they could do anything and they just let her do whatever. tigress. you had her hands bound and she was under your control why did you kick her in the back

also i love how carmen is getting batted around all day but tigress kicks her once and she can't get up

ivy and jumping 30 feet into vehicles

ivy's voice when she shrieks about the durian is so cute

ok its 4:30am im sorry im gay

why are there so many roads that go to the same place

"sky rockets" what other kind are there

carmen u literally have a glider you could have NOT shot the tire and caused zack and ivy to almost crash and die

love how zack hits her with the car

me too honestly zack and ivy

HELP?

i like how the car is at normal speed but carmen is in slow motion at the same time

PLS THE TIRE TRACKS ON THE GROUND WHERE ZACK SWERVED

this episode doesnt even get to what specifically vile is doing for the caper until 16 minutes in and its still good i love it

zack and ivy changing the tire just like their racing days </33

what time of year is it that player was contemplating both new years eve and 4th of july

chase is like a bad parent like julia says something and then chase calls it her fault ihgahsgajds

the glare julia shoots chase jshdgsh

i love when she's sarcastic

the way she stares right at the camera when she says "details are lurking just out of view somewhere in the shadows"

OHHH THE MUSIC FOR THIS EP IS REALLY GOOD

why do they keep putting ivy high up. poor ivy

"tigress, you know the rules. but i will say them again for the audience's benefit"

fedora the explora!!!

that kick had to hurt so bad

just imagining carmen on her new phone on like. facebook tapping "unfriend"

the way carmen just takes tigress out wheeze

cat lesbian <3

this fight is honestly so good

POOR IVY

THIS FIGHT IS. SO. GOOD. I LOVE HOW THEATRICAL IT IS

the confused looks as they keep playing music kills mee

the curtsey and the way carmen just keeps lying there for a little while for the dramatics is hilarious

tiny layering issue

and here (and once more too lazy to ss it tho)

love how she lit that match with her finger

also love hot the fuse just gets eaten. no burnt rope only FIRE

i wonder where?? like under lock and key...where?? po box?? lol

poor zack hasnt eaten in a day

oNe jUmPy RoO

the please from mael...ugh

mr. crackle

the poor sad puppy noises gray makes in the chair jdgsahdgds

that mindwiper really honestly sounds like shes gonna just kill him. yeah crackle it wont hurt. we're gonna send u to live on a farm

CHIEF ON THE OTHER END GOING "again" THATS SO FUNNY

PLAN B

Okay sweet!! Solid episode. See ya next Saturday wink wink its not 5am on sunday i promise i didnt stay up for 5 hours doing this

#csweekly #carmen sandiego weekly #carmen sandiego

[eternalshadeart]

I've been doing digital art for almost 2 years now, with little to no practice on actual paper for these 2 years, and that got me thinking did I Lose my touch with traditional art, Haven't picked up an actual paint brush in so long. Its easy to get lost in the vast possibilities that digital painting softwares offer, ranging from hundreds of brush textures, to tools to make your shaky lines smooth, making the perfect circles, filing a solid colour in an instant.

Where you absolutely dont have to wait for your oils or watercolor to dry up before going for the next layer, and most importantly no need to spend dollars on art supplies and if you make any mistake the undo option is always there for you.

It did make painting easier in a way, but it also comes with its own cons, when I started digital painting I felt like I had to learn from scratch how to use the particular software, and had to learn to paint all over again. Tho it catches up quick but still figuering out how to use each tool, how all the functions, brushes, layers, blend modes work. It does take some time.

Nevertheless I ventured from my point, so since I've been painting dgitally for 2 years I figured its time to indulge in some traditional work, touch base and see If im still worthy.

I tried painting a couple of small canvas and got stuck figuring out what to draw, to have the exact outcome planned out because if I decide halfway through coloring my background that I dont like how it looks, I dont have a ctrl Z to help me this time, I'll have to paint over the whole thing and start from scratch. Painting on the canvas directly is a commitment and theres a looming pressure that the outcome should look beautiful and completed, and I already have enough anxiety, not really excited about been anxious about the thing i love.

One warm afternoon I picked up a tiny notebook I had, bought it on a whim last year and it has been sitting on my shelf since then, its a 4"x4" pocket notebook with decent paper quality, perfect to try out the random black gel pen I found lying around. And I got to it, found a cozy warm place and made a small pen sketch of a tree. The texture looked nice, i did mess up a couple timeson the leaves but since its just a disposable paper I didnt worry much on it, just covered it up with more scriblings. It felt pretty good, ad I realised with digital art the one thing I'm missing is customisign how I organise and decorate my work collection.

With digital software all your art is stored as mere .png or .jpg or whichever format you prefer, but thats it, its just a photo album, unlike a sketchbook where you can decorate the cover, add a couple of sticker or notes to it, stick a dried flower you found, or just about anything creative.

The overall feel of a sketchbook is entirely different and I dont have to worry about each page looking like a finished work.

I love painting digitally but painting on a sketchbook is almost nostalgic, so I finally started one.

Got myself a small A6 sketcbook with a pretty floral cover,cut out the pen sketch i did and glued it on the first page, and thus started to fill each page with totally random unrelated paintings.

So anyway this was a lengthy way to tell you how painting on a sketchbook somehow made me improve my art, and felt incredibly amazing, tho I've completed just couple pages, each page looks beatifull in its own way, and i got to try out a couple of pens, and paints that I havnt used in so long.

got to try doing simple portraits, tried to double tap multiple times on the page (stupid muscle memory).

so anyway here are a few pages that I have completed, and if you did read till the end, thanks for bearing with the (rant)?

#artists on tumblr #artwork #illustration #art #drawing #ink art #mini sketchbook #sketchbook tour #sketchblog #painting #portrait #portrait study #graphite sketch #rant post #personal rant #traditional art #tradiotional art #creative inspiration #how to draw #art tips #classical art #i wrote something #i drew something #goth #dark core gothique #cottage core #dark academia #dark aesthetic

[somethingshifted]

as i wrote, this became longer and longer, so i'm sticking it under a readmore to save your dash, i'm just waffling about the plot

as someone who feels like the band taking their own plot too seriously with plastic beach pushed the writing into a box ever since then, i still find myself wanting to connect each phase to each other. like surely there was an underlying point to be made between murdoc painting the plastic beach pink and the last cult's main color being pink. why is russel struggling again after they've set up shop in LA, his birth country but the other corner, in what i consider tumultuous times that in the end has Del return (even if unacknowledged). but then i kind of shrug my shoulders as canon is still a hodgepodge of 100 things marching in a circle. it's still easily entertainable in my head and i can't help but pick out tidbits i thought have meaning, and re-arrange them in my head like a dollhouse. i may actually dislike it if they did try to connect the two album phases officially and go down a serious route again but PB existing just makes those connections in my head. a fan interpretation is always fine but i think it's best left to the fans. that sounds haughty to say but, for the band to stay a band, i prefer it that way.

so whats the point of this post. the thing is, i'd genuinely be satisfied if gorillaz continued not taking their own plot so seriously, with the disclaimer that i do wish they'd be steadfast with characterization. like it'd be nice if any of them actually held commentary on cults practices considering theyre usually open about their view on world events, but i think enough griping about CI promo material is out there i have nothing new to say other than falling back to CI being a spur of the moment album with a release schedule out of the creators control plus the shitty fact that russel & noodle have been kind of nothing for almost 10 yrs OOPS. they could explore more avenues if they were freed from having to address past events as if they're characters in a storybook and not symbols that change with the times. and maybe if they remembered they can give characters new traits as russel's done things like pick up taxidermy and cooking but only one is referenced for several albums as his sole trait and *zips my lips*

i really feel like a bitch for wanting to harp on the lost chord as it's a beautiful, beautiful song outside of the characters, and additionally i'm a sucker for moments murdoc is faced with how he used to act, but i don't think i'd ever take it as part of a linear plot? which is why i can't fully feel like he's gone back on his word being a cunt to 2D again and falling back into the grandeur lifestyle and all that with the cult stuff.. like, let me wear my pretentious hat for a second but the lockdowns leading people to reminisce about so many things so openly and retreading memories in lieu of making new ones due to being cooped up, resonates more with my feels on the last chord, rather than uh blowing the island up and such and using portals. see, Song Machine can be written around easier bc you can say they're filming the MVs and they're metaphors, even the art reflects this (i didnt listen to the podcasts yet). but then it references the events of PB so openly that you can't just go "well thats the fake MV they shot" and that, incongruence, is hard for me. so was it refreshing to have CI not walk in circles of Murdoc is trying to say sorry guys? yes? i don't know what redemption would do for his character, as the topic of abuse and trauma (when explored with tact) is pretty important to me story wise honestly, but it's kind of... getting repetitive at some points. or maybe too much focus on murdoc 'redeeming' himself at the cost of 2D having traits stripped away and noodle & russ being silent. i don't want the events of plastic beach to be erased from both his and the band's history. having him be the villain of the plot du album is also meh, which is why i can appreciate the less serious canon on him where recent writing is concerned. 2018 is like yesterday to me and they (writers) were still poking fun at murdoc being not only assaulted in prison but also being in the psychiatric ward of prison. like what was that all about, i really really prefer peepaw livestreaming for attention to them taking harrowing events and making them the butt of a joke. i feel like it was handled better in pirate radio even if that itself wasn't meant to be all doom and gloom. it just made more sense. and theresssss my problemmmmm

all that being said i will always adore plastic beach. some of the plot heavy things contain my favorite moments and i'm easily baited with nostalgia so this isn't a bashing post at all... just looking back and wondering if the written material is best when they're dropping tidbits and leave it for fans to imagine up scenarios, rather than adhere to a canon timeline all the time. it's so hard to sum up my feelings on this and stay in perspective of the band because my genuine feeling is that i actually love a lot of the murdoc storylines and i can't reconcile that with feeling put off that it requires believing some MVs and story beats are "real". because i'm shaking the gorillaz dollhouse regardless. and writing angst in my head revolving around how recovery isn't a straight line. and how tbh russel's journey is a direct foil to murdoc's. because all the ingredients are there

like read that and call me a hypocrite, i am! i just have a lot of thoughts. i think if i knew how to write fanfic i'd just shut up and do that but my dialogue writing skills make me uncomfortable due to not being BRITISH.

TL;DR, i'd be satisfied if plot being canonically recognized wasn't a drawback on the band because they honestly suffer when they do fall back on addressing the timeline and treating the characters as Vessels who Had Someting Happen To Them rather than whatever symbol for the current topic of the album. i do think the current writing gets repetitive and sanded down. at the same time i will always encourage fan interpretations regardless because i find those very fun. in being non linear it opens their world up to diff. perspectives. and i #support peepaw listening to weyes blood

#text #and again warning for some negativity but always a disclaimer that it isnt all negative #i just dont know how to condense my thoughts welcome to my mind toilet

[agentlemansavage]

A Letter to you.

When you came into my life, I was caught off guard. Honestly, I don't think anyone could ever be fully ready for someone like you. I had pretty much given up on finding love and was okay with being on my own. But meeting you flipped my world upside down.

We had talked several times before but every time something about you stuck with me I can't really put my finger on it but every time for the short times we did talk I was captivated. We clicked on so many different levels and for one reason or another we always had to stop, until this last time where we actually really got to spend some time together and as it turned out you embodied everything I had ceased searching for; your radiant beauty, your infectious laughter, the way you effortlessly blend elegance with your nerdy, dorky charm. Hell even the passion you showed with your job and the things you worked towards in life. You are lightning in a bottle, showing me things I didn't even know I wanted and before I knew it I was in love. How could I not be?

From the beginning, you told me you wanted us to start out as friends, and I really did want that too, buti didn't know how we could accomplish that with how we were already feeling about each other. The best choice was for us to place everything on pause and give you space but neither of us wanted that. I wish I had heard you and listened and chosen to give you that space to work on yourself like you needed. Maybe then, I would have realized the things I needed to work on as well. Instead, I ignored everything, thinking that you were okay with this, and charged headfirst into us. I believed we could work on ourselves while also embracing the feelings we shared for each other. I have this habit of romanticizing everything and that belief I think accounts for alot of how I think and what I belive. It makes me very irrational, I never would have thought the romantic in me would be an issue.

It didn't take long for our messages to become full blown converstations. Ones admittedly I never wanted to end, and really thats when I first noticed the changes in me. I was happy, for the first time in what felt like years this woman who i barely knew was making me smile like an idiot all day. For context here I'm a man who gets bored of people after 2 or 3 converstations. I knew i was in deep when i started making you a playlist But as I've admitted, I wasn't ready. We were both navigating our own healing, and the presence of each other offered a sanctuary from our individual struggles. In the comfort you provided, I was able to ignore my demons and It wasn't fair to either of us for me to rely on you the way that I did. I don't want to sit here and make excuses for my actions, there were many many things I was unaware I was doing wrong. Alot of this breaks down to poor communication and I'm sorry that I failed to understand you and didn't talk about the things we needed to talk about.

Flying out to see you was perhaps the second biggest mistake. I packed a coloring book and I went shopping for new clothes; Hell I even made sure you picked out my new shoes, and made sure to bring a suit just incase we wanted to be fancy and have dinner somewhere. Admittedly I didnt know what to expect, I was just so excited for this to be something and I wanted so badly to impress you so much so i got my favorite recipe with my mom to cook with you. We had made plans once before that fell apart and it had been a few months of us talking. I know it was inconvient with work and I thought that was the biggest concern with me coming down. I didn't realize the weight of what you were dealing with. I forced you into situations you weren't ready for emotionally and physically. There isn't words to tell you how sorry I am. I want you to know It all came from a good intentioned place, I know you enjoyed parts of that weekend as well and the memories we made like dancing to Sinatra in the kitchen or making up lives for people we watched in the penthhouse will stay with me forever. You have said you don't regret it however just know that If I could start over and do it differently I would have given you more time and space to be ready.

In the six months we spent together, time had seemed to bend in unexpected ways, flipping between fast-forward and slow-motion. It's kinda crazy how it's shown me so much about myself and what we had, making everything seem super intense yet over too quick. You encouraged me to be better and i tried to do the same, setting bedtimes, encouraging eachother to go back to therapy, trying to set a workout schedule. It's been a mix of really good stuff and some tough lessons, especially about facing up to my own actions. Yet, as I've witnessed you drifting away, the weight of my earlier mistakes has become painfully clear. It's tough to see the distance my actions have caused between us, and I deeply regret not taking the steps sooner to address the issues on my end. In our time apart, I've been focusing on self-improvement, doing the work I should have started from the beginning, fully aware that actions speak louder than words, and wishing I had realized this sooner. I still miss you, I miss watching our shows, our little stardew valley home and i even miss overwatch hell i play it just because i miss you, i miss my friends telling me to say hi to you because they knew i was talking to you on the phone, i miss what we had, but mostly i just miss talking to you and hearing your voice. I miss my best friend, and I'd do almost anything to get her back.

They say timings a bitch, In our case it has never really been on our side. Despite everything, I i still believe in the potential of us and our real life fairytale disney type of love story in case your wondering this is the part of the book where everything comes crashing down. Like every good story things have to get bad before they can become better; I know things between us are strained right now but I remain hopeful that, in time, you’ll heal and possibly give us another chance, even if just as friends. But if not, I want you to know how grateful I am for every moment you’ve been part of my life. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

You’ve taught me a lot, about love, about fighting through tough times, and about myself. You made me better in almost everywhere. I apologize for my part in making everything so difficult, I promise you to do better in the future. No matter what happens next, you’ve got this special place in my heart. I love you, and more than anything, I want you to find happiness, even if it turns out I’m not the one to share that with you. You deserve that.

With all my heart and hope for our future,

Ryan

#Spotify