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#i did do a followers survey a couple years back in 2019

ravenadottir · 2 years

Note

What has Fusebox stolen from fanfiction? (Genuine question)

the time people started writing and posting a lot of fanfiction for the game (myself included) was before wedding episodes, back in november/december/2019 and january/2020.

they weren't even gonna make a reunion and that's what motivated us to write tons for the game. and yes, some of the things the characters said or did were a follow up to what they had said back in the villa, like bobby opening a business of his own.

HOWEVER, some of the stuff we wrote made appearances and were really specific. i'm gonna break these down into "chapters" (things i wrote in post-villa fanfics) and "asks", because... asks were answered.

chapters:

chelsea hosting a halloween reunion for all the islanders:

"Halloween reunion in the Villa, with challenges, like a mystery to resolve. There's a Escape the room challenge..."

"... The Villa's decorated with spider webs and blood splatters. Instead of the usual neon lights, we'd have skull lamps..."

"...Someone should propose, like in season one, but It should be OUR LI."

here's the link to an old reblog (the original post is from october/2019). while it wasn't halloween, the key words made an appearance on a survey, months later, and i guess "murder mystery" made the cut. common? sure. but like... wasn't the reunion gonna be a theme party they discussed in the villa? there were two options and none of them was murder mystery, right?

anyway.

priya turning into an li. kind of what everyone wanted! but back then, it was obvious they had no intentions of making her not even remotely fruity, but i guess after seeing so many people writing about it, they went with it on cmm. there were TONS of priya fics on ao3, and i guess they didn't have the time to make it happen on wedding episodes.

jo and ibrahim had broken up in every reunion story. to this day i don't know why they did it. i did it because i hate her, but jo seemed kind of perfect for rahim outside of his route.

hope and noah had broken up too, in every chapter i wrote. it seemed they had no intentions of making that happen until they saw the fics from the players.

asks:

chelsea. being the hostess of the next season, which i also said it would be cool for tim or bobby to do the same, even if it was just a drop by appearance, on separate posts. a couple of other players said chelsea would be a great s3 host, around march or april/2020. that happened.

i said it was UNFAIR for tim not to have even a look back in season 2, and that if he ever showed up again he should talk about his post-villa romance with mc. that also happened on s3. BUT I HATE HIS FACE SO MUCH, OH MY GOD-

people asked me what priya's career would be if she wasn't a real estate agent anymore, since she mentions she wanted to change career paths, and i said fashion designer and that she would have her own company.

lottie moving out of the uk. i didn't specify where, but i did say she would move because the break up would be too much for her. she would say things like "i don't see myself here anymore" while glancing at gary, implying they weren't together. she was also changing career paths and it could be related to fashion and wigs.

henrik was backpacking because if he's not with mc, it wouldn't have worked with anyone else.

the excuse i used to not insert hannah in any chapters was that she was writing her memoirs from the villa, which she did say she was going to. but i said in the post that the book would be titled "something something prairie", because it was a nice reference to an old book i heard of before, and that's very on brand for hannah. the title they went with was "love on the prairie" in cmm.

carl being into anime. i even joked he was an otaku at some point in his teen years. that was added later, on matchmaker.

mind you, i only know matchmaker stuff that people post, so i might've missed a lot of things that made the cut.

ibrahim drawing. it was definitely around feb/mar/2020 and i said the reason why he draws it's because he learned from violet man comic books and it would be nice to expand on that.

arjun and elijah were together, and were seen by fans of the show around the beach (?) holding hands, implying they were a couple. i could be mistaken about the beach, but i did say it in asks that they were seen together, because the ask was about "do you think arjun and elijah became a couple out of their routes?".

also, i'm pretty sure i've seen players writing about lucas and henrik bumping into each other on a trip, which fusebox confirmed during wedding episodes. there was also implying of them getting together in those posts, which the company left ambiguous if you weren't marrying either of them.

there was so much material at the time, and many players have left the chat since then (like, hundreds) but i'm certain multiple things have made appearances.

there was a galaxy-brain anon who said "it would be so cool to have a wedding with our li's, and get to choose our maid-of-honor", back in november/2019. i remember well because it was one of the first asks i've ever got on tumblr. mind you, players were asking for a reunion specifically, not a wedding.

nan's "show" with gary was also a headcanon of ours. i answered an ask saying it would be hilarious to see gary and nan pranking each other, inspired by a guy that does this with his grandma on instagram. i can't remember if it was an anon or a player, but someone said they should have a podcast or a youtube show, where gary gets nan's reactions and opinions. fusebox turned into a tv show but it's very specific too.

all that i wrote was posted on an old blog, which became private out of nowhere, around april/2020. there was no content that would justify the change but... it didn't matter how many requests i sent to the staff, the blog never went back to normal. eventually i couldn't even visualize it anymore so i deleted it. this is why i have the @archiveravenadottir blog, to keep big posts reblogged there.

but yeah! i also can't for the life of me quote every little thing they got from other players. and some of these seem obvious, but if they were obvious why didn't they make it canon back then? why not making the characters' realities before?

at the time i thought i should make a post about it, but i didn't want to be petty. now? now i don't care. fuck it, let's be petty!

some of these things are just too specific, and honestly i don't blame the writers, but i blame the people that decided to not give credit. not even a nod. not even a tweet.

if anyone remember more stuff from this time, because my memory is the worst, please, let us know! i'm sure we can gather more because i know tumblr wasn't their only source. reddit and twitter had a good amount of material showing up too from what i've seen people complaining at the time.

#litg #love island the game #litg s2 #litg season 2 #queue

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dialovers-translations · 3 years

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Blog Survey Results + The Future of my Translations

As promised, I will be posting a compilation of the results from the blog survey I did through Google forms these past couple of days. Funnily enough, I actually finished my translation of More, Blood (and therefore the Grand Edition for Switch as well) on this exact day too. I started my game translations December 2019, so it took me approximately one year and 3 months to complete a full English translation of both games.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who took the time out of their day to fill out the survey! I got a total of 171 responses, which is way more than I ever expected! It definitely gave me a better picture of what you guys enjoy about this blog and what you want to see in the future. ^^

I also received a lot of sweet and supportive personal messages but this post would get way too long if I were to include them all, so I will simply highlight some at the very end and give my response.

Well then, let’s get straight into it!

Through Tumblr recommendations ー 34.7%

Through Google search ー 31.2%

Through a Masterlist (either mine or made by someone else) ー 17.6%

Through seeing my post(s) reblogged on your dash ー 12.4%

Other ー 3.5%

Through a friend ー 0.6%

Seems like most of you guys found me either through Tumblr recommendations or through a simple Google search! I honestly expected reblogs to have a bigger impact, as well as ‘through a friend’ is much lower than what I expected. Although I suppose Diabolik Lovers isn’t always the franchise you want to mention to your friends, haha.

More than a year ー 27.5%

Between 1~3 months ー 19.3%

Between 6~8 months ー 16.4%

Between 9~11 months ー 15.2%

Between 4~6 months ー 13.5%

Less than a month ー 5.8%

I don’t follow your blog ー 2.3%

Wow! A lot of you guys have really been around for a while, huh? Thank you so much for sticking with me and still being an active follower of this blog! ^^ I hope you guys don’t regret clicking the ‘follow’ button back then.

I think it is just right ー 88.2%

I think it is too little, I want more ー 6.5%

I think it is too much, I can’t keep up ー 5.3%

I am definitely glad that most of you enjoy the current schedule. This convinced me to keep the current schedule for now, which Dark Fate eventually replacing More, Blood during the week and Lunatic Parade taking Vandead Carnival’s slot(s) in the weekend.

All of the above ー 55.6%

Drama CDs ー 44.4%

Game content ー 42.1%

Manga/comics ー 27.5%

Short Stories ー 22.8%

Fanbooks ー 16.4%

Tweets ー 15.2%

Drama CDs ー 51.5%

I enjoy everything ー 46.2%

Game content ー 42.7%

Short Stories ー 20.5%

Manga/comics ー 19.3%

Fanbooks ー 9.4%

Tweets ー 9.4%

I grouped these two together because they obviously have very similar results. I was quite surprised by them though! For one, I did not expect so many of you to read and enjoy the game translations!

I actually made this survey because I was having doubts whether people were actually interested in them, since most of the content has been translated at least once more. In that regard, it is not surprise that ‘drama CDs’ ranked the highest because there’s considerably less translators for those.

I also did not expect the Short Stories & Manga to rank higher than the Tweets, but I guess I’m the only one who is such a huge fan of the official DL Twitter accounts? :p

I read content of all characters ー 63.7%

Only of my favorites ー 36.3%

Another shocking result! I was convinced most people only read the stuff of their bias/biases, but I was wrong! I’m definitely happy about this result though! I’m personally super grateful for this blog because it pushes me to listen to content of all characters and get to know them better, which is something I wouldn’t do otherwise!

Drama CDs ー 49.7%%

Game content ー 35.1%

I want to see more of everything ー 32.2%

Manga/comics ー 31%

Short Stories ー 23.4%

Fanbooks ー 17.5%

Tweets ー 9.9%

I enjoy everything ー 81.9%

Tweets ー 7%

Manga/comics ー 4.1%

Fanbooks ー 3.5%

Short Stories ー 2.3%

Game content ー 2.3%

Drama CDs ー 1.2%

Grouping these two together as well since it also just makes sense. First of all, I’m very glad that more than 80% of you guys enjoy all content on this blog! As a creator, I couldn’t ask for more. ^^ Once again, also very relieved knowing that the posts about the games don’t go unnoticed!

As for the drama CDs, I did expect those to rank first in terms of what people want to see more of, but they’re also the most exhausting for me to translate. > < It takes much longer because I often have to rewind or listen to some phrases multiple times until I can pick up on everything. Therefore I don’t think I can handle posting more than one multi-track CD a week, sorry!

All of the above ー 54.4%

Diabolik Lovers Daylight ー 39.8%

Dark Fate ー 21.6%

Lunatic Parade ー 15.8%

Last but not least, what can you expect on this blog in the future? It was pretty obvious that the Daylight series would rank first here (at least in terms of individual results) because it’s 100% new content. I really do wish I will be able to get my hands on the audio as they come out, but I also hope you guys understand that I can’t purchase every CD myself so I will be relying on the community for this.

Afterwards I realized that I completely forgot to add the upcoming manga series to the list as well but don’t worry, I will definitely translate the chapters if somebody passes me the RAW scans!

To finish, I would like to add a few of the comments which were left for me. I received tons of super sweet messages from you guys and I really wish I had the space to put them all. <3

PERSONAL MESSAGES

As I stated before, somebody did confirm my fear of some of my translations being ‘redundant’ because most of the games have been translated/have parts of them translated already. While it is totally valid to want me to focus on content which has not been translated yet, the games are just a personal passion project of me as well. It may just be the perfectionist in me talking, but I like the idea of having an entire game translated by the same person, all in the same writing style and with the same formatting, rather than having to browse through three or four different blogs.

Thankfully, some of you guys did pick up on this and even mentioned the little translation notes I put at the bottom of each posts. This is definitely one of the ways in which I attempt to make my translations ‘unique’ and have them stand out from the existing ones. ^^ Japanese is also an extremely vague language with very little context clues, so it isn’t strange for multiple people to emphasize on different elements when translating the same sentence.

As a teacher, these messages made very happy! I actually am working on a DL-themed Japanese learning side-blog at present! However, I want to fine-tune it just a little more and have a few lessons prepared and ready to be published before I officially announce the blog to the public. However, it is coming in the (near) future so please stay tuned! ^^

The only way for me to do this would be to record the game audio from my console as I am letting the game play IRL but I can’t guarantee the audio quality AND it would take an immense amount of time. ;; If you want to watch the video/audio simultaneously with my translation, your best bet would be @maimaiotome’s YouTube channel. The two of us are collaborating for More, Blood and some parts of Vandead Carnival (Sleeping Vampire) so please check out her videos! ^^

I received tons of sweet messages like these, but I wanted to highlight the following two in particular because they really brought a smile to my face! <3 First of all, if I’m Yui...where’s my harem of sexy 2D Vampire boys?? Jk jk.

Also thank you to everyone who voiced their concern about my health and wellbeing. Don’t worry, I am not overworking myself! I generally translate about 3 to 4 hours a day and enjoy every single minute of it! I’m also way ahead of schedule so I should be fine even if I have to take a couple of days off! ^^

#the translator talking #blog survey #I had to type this TWICE because Tumblr fucking glitched out on me and deleted the post

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coochiequeens · 2 years

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Men want kids if someone else will do the actual work of having kids.

Couples without children managed to sustain a more even share of housework after the onset of the pandemic than those with children, according to a new study examining the social impacts of the crisis.

The immediate impact of the lockdown in March last year did cause a rebalancing of the domestic chores between men and women. It led some to hope that one of the quirks of Covid’s arrival might be a boost to equality in the home.

This shift towards men taking up more of the slack soon faded for those couples with children, however, as schools and nurseries closed. In comparison, child-less couples were found to maintain more of an equal share of household duties.

Researchers said that the difference between the two might be partly down to a bias that sees women as being more affected by school closures. Mothers are potentially more likely to be interrupted while working to take on childcare and help with homeschooling.

The study by researchers in Bristol and Berlin used survey data covering more than 2,000 couples aged between 24 and 54. They examined how behaviour changed between March and September 2020, a period that included the first lockdown. Following that lockdown, the share of housework done by women initially declined for all types of couples, but more noticeably for those with a young child. It slightly increased in May and decreased again by June. However, by September 2020, those with young children, older children and no children diverged in terms of their sharing of the burden.

”Couples with school-age children and couples with a 0- to 5-year-old were already clearly retreating to a more traditional gender division of housework, though still below the reference levels before the national lockdown in March 2020,” the study states. “Couples without children living at home sustained a more equal share of housework.”

Susan Harkness, professor of public policy at the University of Bristol, said the study further dampened early hopes that there might have been some boosts to equality from the enforced social changes that the pandemic created. “There were attempts at a more positive take [on the impacts of the pandemic on housework], that maybe homeworking will be good for gender equality, and we’ll see some sort of positive takeaways,” she said. “Men could start doing the housework if they’re more likely to be at home.“There was a short-term transition, but if you think about whether those changes persisted and affected gender norms, that’s not what we see. Fathers are more likely to get back into work more quickly than mothers, for example, so mothers can lag behind in terms of returning, post-Covid. When you close schools, you’re increasing the burden for women. And I think that’s a fairly clear story coming out of this pandemic.”

Previous official data has suggested that women were bearing the burden of homeschooling far more in the second lockdown compared to the first. The Office for National Statistics data found at the time that 67% of women and 52% of men were taking charge of their children’s education at home. More women reported that homeschooling was having a negative impact on their wellbeing, with 53% struggling compared with 45% of men. Another survey from earlier this year also suggested that girls and young women aged between 14 and 24 had been taking responsibility for the majority of household chores during the pandemic, leaving them less time to focus on their education.

Harkness said the research pointed to the stubbornness of gender divides, as reflected in the discrepancies in employment and pay going into the pandemic. Last year, the Institute for Fiscal Studies revealed that in 2019 the average working-age woman in the UK earned 40% less than her male counterpart. It found that the earnings gap was about 13 percentage points lower than in the mid-1990s, but that over three-quarters of the reduction could be explained by the rapid increase in women’s educational attainment. Women of working age have gone from being five percentage points less likely to five percentage points more likely to have a university degree than men.

#Covid #women and covid #girls and covid #Men not doing their share

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omoi-no-hoka · 4 years

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I read your post on how you got started in the translation industry and I was wondering if it is possible to get an entry/basic level translation gigs in Japan with N3-level proficiency or if even those want at least N2 proficiency. Also since you've been living and working in Japan for a long time, what advice would you give those wanting to work in Japan in regards to avoiding black companies?

Finding Translation Work in Japan

Hi there! Thank you for your ask.

To be honest, “translation” is so very broad that I can’t give you a simple “yes” or “no” as an answer. My answer is “Maybe” with the following caveats. For the sake of this post, I’m going to assume that your native language is English, or that you have native-level proficiency, and you plan to do English↔Japanese translation in a Japanese workplace.

Field of Translation

This is perhaps the biggest factor. I understand that in order to translate legal or medical things, there is a particular certification that you must obtain. This requires N1/native level proficiency in both languages. I have thought of attempting to obtain the medical one, but I’m not ready for it. I would need to study a LOT of terminology in both English and Japanese.

As for other fields, I think it really depends on the company and how much they are willing to teach you on the job. Also, depending on the field, many field-specific terminology may be katakana words derived from English, meaning that while they will be new Japanese words for you, they will not be entirely new words.

But if I were to work in, say, the banking industry doing translation, I would certainly have a hard time learning all the words, especially if I didn’t already have some sort of background in banking in English.

For example, I specifically work as a translator for a company that provides services to other very big companies that you have heard of. Technically, I work for an anti-malware software company and the technical support aspect of it. When a product is updated, I will translate internal manuals and things like that. I also translate the Big Wig conversations, which are done in English since the client and our company’s HQs are in America, so that our local guys know what’s going on. I also create/translate/edit/take minutes for presentations given to Big Wigs. I also handle all IT issues in our project, because our IT ticketing system is 100% in English. ANYTHING English-related is funneled to me.

Contractually-speaking, I do not work for any other clients. But since I’m the only translator in our company in Hokkaido capable of interpretation as well, I am often asked to assist under the table. (Translation and interpretation are two entirely different beasts, btw.)

While I don’t have a background in IT or computers or anything like that, since most of the terminology is in katakana and I’m not absolutely clueless about computers, my learning curve wasn’t too sharp. I struggled more with bullshit corporate acronyms and the formalities of Business Japanese (sonkeigo and kenjougo).

A person holding an N2 is considered capable of Business Japanese. Even if you have extensive knowledge in the field of translation, you will have a VERY difficult time adjusting to the Japanese-language workplace if you are not good with Business Japanese. From that standpoint, I cannot recommend someone at N3 to enter a Japanese company to do translation. It will be grueling. I was N1 when I joined the company, and I still had difficulty composing emails and other workplace-related words I hadn’t come across.

Start with Freelance Translation/Proofreading

There was a year or so where I had N1 but was still teaching English. I found freelance English-Japanese translation jobs online. Lots of them were one-shot things, like “translate this brochure about our little tiny town” or “I am a researcher who has written a paper on Persian-French relations during the 16th century, and I need someone to proofread my English.” Lol that one was pretty specific and paid very handsomely. By doing well on a job, I established a relationship with that client and I would get more work either from them or someone they knew. Prices are fixed before translation.

The average price for translation is 3-7 yen per character (if the original text is in Japanese) or per word (if the original text is in English). The price increases depending on the complexity of the material. The brochure about the little town was 4 yen per character, but the research paper was 9 yen word (despite the fact I was only proofreading instead of translating because it was incredibly complex).

Proofreading goes alongside translation. I didn’t really do much of that, but you can see a price range of 1-5 yen per character/word. If you are N3, proofreading is great way to get your feet wet!

NOTE: Do not take on proofreading or translation jobs for a language that is not your native language. No matter how good you think your Japanese is, it will not be good enough to proofread. Even if you have an N1, you will miss things. Even I, as a translator with almost 3 years experience in my field, always have a Japanese coworker proofread everything I translate into Japanese, and 9 times out of 10 they fix at least one thing.

How to Avoid Black Companies

In Japan, some companies are labeled ブラック企業 “black kigyou,” which means that they violate labor laws in some heinous fashion. Denying pay, benefits, or leave, forcing employees to do grueling amounts of overtime that can lead to 過労死 karoushi (death by overwork), etc. These companies will rob you of your sanity at best and your life at worst, and are to be avoided at all costs.

When I was searching for a position teaching English, I googled reviews of each big Eikaiwa school, like AEON or whatever else there is. Many previous teachers air their grievances on places like glassdoor.com. It was easy to learn which schools I should avoid.

Also, I applied online to many different big Eikaiwas. Three of them (sorry, I can’t remember which) immediately emailed me back and said I was hired, without an interview or anything. That should be a HUGE red flag to you right there. Why are they so desperate to hire that they’ll take you without even giving you an interview? And even if they do later say, “Your hiring is dependent upon an interview,” that means that their initial contact email was fraudulent.

Research the company as best you can. See if you can find someone who has worked for them. Beware of smaller, private companies. They tend to fly under the radar and are prone to be even shittier. Then again, there was a woman who died of death by over work a few years ago and she worked for the biggest advertising firm in Japan.

Here’s an article from Business Insider about karoushi and black companies.

A 2016 report examining karoshi cases and their cause of death found that more than 20% of people in a survey of 10,000 Japanese workers said they worked at least 80 hours of overtime a month.

The Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry defines the threshold for karoushi as greater than 80 hours of overtime a month. Since this article was posted in 2018, a new law regarding overtime has been implemented by the Japanese government. Now there is a legal cap on overtime of 100 hours per month (and 720/year) for busier months, with the general upper limit set at 45 hours per month (360 hours/year).

Even if a company isn’t black, be prepared for overtime. My company makes sure that every employee adheres to the 45 hours per month limit...as best they can. If you follow this blog you know that I have done 60 and 70 hours of overtime in certain months, because I am our only translator and when shit hits the fan I’m the only one who can handle it.

However, my company is very good about making sure that I receive all of my overtime pay. Every single minute of overtime I do is properly reimbursed. Sometimes this means that if I work 60 hours one month, I will only report 45 that month, and then report 15 extra hours the next month. Or I will take a couple days off but claim that I worked (with my bosses’ approval, of course).

I can’t speak for other companies for sure, but I fear that when this law was introduced in 2019, many companies did not change their business models and instead forbid employees from reporting overtime that exceeded legal limits, meaning they would be going without compensation.

So be aware that if you are going to work in a Japanese company, you are likely to have overtime. Some people don’t, and congratulations to them! But it is an extremely real possibility. Make sure that you can handle it physically and mentally, and that you are being properly compensated. After my first month of Big Overtime, my boss told me, “I’m surprised that you managed to do all that. I thought that Americans had a poor work ethic compared to Japanese people, but now I see that’s not true.”

kinda racist, but thx

If you have an interview and it goes well and you receive a contract, ask to take the contract and have time to think about it. Then, have a Japanese person you trust read the contract and make sure there is nothing shady hidden in there. Contracts and legalese are difficult enough in my own native language--I don’t trust myself to catch something in Japanese.

If your friend thinks that the contract is fair as well, and if you feel like the company has a good atmosphere, take the job. That is what I did, and I am glad I did.

Translation and Interpretation

A lot of people don’t know the difference between “translation” and “interpretation” and use them interchangeably, but they are actually entirely different tasks that require different skills.

Translation: the conversion of written text from one language to another.

Interpretation: the conversion of spoken word from one language to another.

You will most likely be hired as a translator, because translation is much cheaper than interpretation. However, if your company is like mine, you will have interpretation work to do as well. You may be asked to take part in meetings and facilitate communication between the English-speaking and Japanese-speaking people, or act as a guide to a client from American headquarters, for example.

With translation, you usually have the blessing of time. You can look up a word you don’t know, you can think about the grammar, you can think about tone.

But with interpretation, you need to be:

Listening to Speaker A’s English and mentally summarizing their words

Starting to say Speaker A’s words in Japanese while holding on to the bits that will come later because English and Japanese word order is so different

Continuing to listen to added speech from Speaker A as you concurrently are relaying their previous speech in to Japanese and retaining the parts that you can’t say yet because of word order.

Then do it all for again for Speaker B’s reply, and repeat.

Basically, your mind has to be doing three things at once. Does your head hurt? Mine does. If I have to do simultaneous interpretation like that for more than a couple hours I literally develop a headache.

I will NEVER recommend an N3 person attempt interpretation in a business setting. Nor N2 for that matter. It is hard and you do not have the benefit of time to think and double-check things.

Also, many people don’t understand exactly how difficult it is to do interpretation. I have to sometimes just say “Sorry, pause” to the speaker because my head can’t retain any more, especially if figures and data and dates are referred to. Thankfully my coworkers have come to understand my method and are just happy that I can facilitate communication for them.

If you have any other questions regarding job hunting, please let me know and I’d be more than happy to offer what advice I have! 💖

#Anonymous #work in japan #life in Japan #expat in japan #japanese translation #japanese interpretation #job hunting #job hunting in japan #japan #ask me anything #asks are open

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snarkytiara · 4 years

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A loooong post, and I know long essays can be annoying, so putting behind a cut, but I have some Thoughts when I see a post like this by @willandkate

- First: I’m not sure who you are trying to convince with your post? Also, you start with William’s 2016 statement, but then the rest of your post tries to make a case for why statements are not the BRF thing and that other gestures were made. The statement from William shows there is precedent for statements supporting Harry and Meghan, so your argument isn’t very strong.

- Small gestures were not going to cut it! The response to Meghan is on a whole other level, and that should have necessitated other measures IMO. If you are having to sum up all the small moments for fellow royal watchers, who pay attention to this stuff, how is anybody else even going to notice?

- Stop normalizing the press abuse of royal women. If your response to the abuse Meghan gets, is to sum up what other royal women dealt with in the past, you’ve lost the argument. The amount of abuse any of these women got is not ok, and you going straight to mentioning that abuse is a means to deflect from talking in depth about all the facets of what Meghan has been dealing with. A big issue in the royal fandom is still the amount of people unwilling to talk about and understand what only Meghan deals with within the BRF (racism and xenophobia). It makes some people uncomfortable to talk about it and it’s fucking sad. The BRF wasn’t ready for growth, but neither were some people in the royal fandom. It’s a big problem to continue to see this conflating of Meghan’s treatment with the treatment of other royal women in the BRF.

- The abuse Meghan gets is contributing to a national (and international lbr) debate about racism in the UK. POC in commonwealth countries are looking at this and it reflects badly on the BRF. This is a huge added element to the treatment of Meghan, that is not present in abuse that other royal women got in the past. That Kate got called ‘Waity Katy’ by the press, dit not lead to the possibility of negative sentiment in CW countries towards the monarchy. This was said last month:

“This week a senior Commonwealth figure told me that the tabloid treatment of Meghan – so clearly racist to observers in other parts of the world, while large parts of the British public remain in denial – is having a knock-on effect in making it harder for him to promote Britain abroad.” - Afua Hirsch, The Guardian

- You summing up all these perceived gestures, does not say anything about how Meghan (and Harry) experienced that ‘support’. Are you deciding for Harry and Meghan that it was enough? Did you really expect them to say otherwise during the engagement interview? And those small moments William and Kate spoke about them, what else were they going to say? On the surface, a show of support, but tells us absolutely nothing about how things are behind closed doors. Your post decidedly ignores that.

- After all this supposed support, Harry and Meghan still left. Fact. Is that all on them? The warm embrace of the Cambridges must have felt a bit too warm for them I guess. They couldn’t handle all the love. Your post lacks analysis into the possible reasons for Harry and Meghan and the shared blame of different parties in things coming to a head in this way.

- I also have the following question: if you are going to call out the Sussexes for overshadowing other royals, you have to be fair. What did you think of Kate launching her 5 question survey on the same day as Charles’ big speech in Davos? Is that not overshadowing him? Kate had been working on this for two years, but she just has to launch on the same day as a big Charles speech, that is important to him? Genuinely curious how you view that. And if a promo for Harry and Meghan’s documentary overshadows a Cambridge tour, seems to me that is a Cambridge problem. Harry and Meghan have no say over when ITV airs a promo.

- Harry and Meghan didn’t deserve a statement of support, because they made the announcement that they were leaving, without consent? Weird take, as it’s odd to say in retrospect that they didn’t deserve a statement earlier in 2019, when things were at their worst, because at the start of 2020 they made an announcement. That’s after the fact. The BRF knew about Harry and Meghan entertaining the possibility of stepping back. Fact. There was a reason they felt the need to go public with it now, as it has been mentioned they were halted and sent away by courtiers when they were trying to discuss things with the queen and Charles. Your post doesn’t explore the reason for why Harry and Meghan may have done what they did and incorrectly places all of the blame on them.

- I don’t know if you watched Harry and Meghan’s documentary? A couple obviously struggling, and Meghan’s hard time as a royal is not going to be made better simply by a pat on the back from Kate after Serena lost at Wimbledon. It’s wild that you, and others, think that is doing enough to show support.

- None of what you’ve said takes into account the KP press approach over the past couple of years. For example, any small gesture of support from Kate to Meghan gets severely undermined when KP is completely fine with a press narrative meant to embiggen Kate, at Meghan’s expense. It’s naive to believe that KP has had no part in that and I’ve yet to see a Kate/Cambridge fan accept that reality and own that it’s been happening. The reality has always been that the BRF are fine throwing each other under the bus. PR and actually thinking about how that makes them look has never been the strong suit of this family.

- You know what else undermines any small gesture of support for Meghan? The seemingly huge gestures of support from the queen to Andrew! If Liz keeps taking Andrew out and about, I sure as fuck am not still giving her kudos for taking Meg on an engagement back in June of 2018! And sure, it would’ve been smart optics for Harry and Meghan to visit Balmoral, and I would have advised them of that if I worked for them, but also; should they have visited before or after the queen was seen going to church with a smiling Andrew the day after Epstein died? Effectively showing she doesn’t give a fuck about her own image either. You could argue that isn’t a great advertisement for wanting to visit the queen.. Plus Harry and Meghan live(d) in Windsor, where they queen spends most of her time anyway.

- Speaking of the Queen, it is so often ignored how much influence she does have over the press. I’m sure over the years there has been many a time where she has intervened on behalf of the likes of Andrew. Why is it that Meghan has to have the stiff upper lip? Because this is what all royal women just have to face?

- I find it odd that you are only blaming Harry and Meghan for possibly feeling isolated. A struggling couple, dealing with a lot, should receive most of that blame? That darn Harry and Meghan are just being so difficult because they didn’t feel that William and Kate standing near them that time in Westminster Abbey was enough!1! They are so ungrateful.

- Harry and Meghan leaving looks bad for the BRF, however you slice it. It reflects badly on them. Even if you don’t believe that, I’m sure you still feel that all this drama should have been prevented, for the sake of your faves? If this has been a topic of conversation with Harry and Meghan since last year, then why not also make it a topic of conversation how the rest of the BRF could and should have done more to prevent them choosing to leave?

All in all, your post on this is very superficial and lacks nuance, but that tracks with what I’ve seen from most Cambridge fans. I know there is no point convincing you, and others, just like there is no point in your post trying to convince Sussex fans. But this had to be said and honestly I’ve been sitting on this since after the documentary aired.

#duchess of sussex #meghan markle #duchess of cambridge #kate middleton #british royal family #i'm in a bitchy mood and I'm done

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dansnaturepictures · 4 years

Photo

8 of my favourite pictures I took in August 2020

1. View at Magdalen Hill, Hampshire

2. Yellow flowers at Lakeside Country Park, Hampshire

3. Some of one of my favourite birds the Great Crested Grebe at Lakeside

4. Water at Fingle Bridge, Dartmoor, Devon

5. Meldon Reservour on Dartmoor

6. Wall Brown at Cape Cornwall

7. Orange Swift moth at home

8. Woodpigeon out the back

I must admit one thing that is easier when the world is normal and I am at work in the office and in an average week will only take photos the Saturday and Sunday is these posts. Had I been in the office from next Tuesday onwards I would have quite liked the fact that I would post this then to add something to my social media in a time I would not normally post on my wildlife/photography accounts probably. Don’t get me wrong, I am loving every minute of being able to have walks with my camera as part of my working day each day though and then have the weekends. But its meant it can be hard to find where to stick these posts, of which I can’t believe I only have two left after this as the idea is the amount of my photos I select corresponds to the number of the month and 10 is the maximum number for a Tumblr photoset this strange year is certainly going very fast. With my life as it is now, doing these posts the last few months have been a classic Saturday morning job which I’ve enjoyed and has allowed me to reflect on the amazing wildlife experiences I have had each day and so many photos taken. A little bit later than that today as I began writing early afternoon and couldn’t finish this blog before we went out today which I shall post about later, but I thought just two days until the end of the month I would just post it now I very often write it up a few days prior to posting and its a pre-what I did in my day post.

August 2020 has been packed, thrilling and fantastic for me come rain or shine of the very hottest kind in a heatwave starting the month and patches within it. The above meant I didn’t really know where to turn at times for picking these eight standout photos I took this month and notable ones miss out in the interest of giving different pictures a chance. Photographically the first point to make is my yields of photos each day got higher and higher and this has to be the month when I finish it I’ll have produced most photos in and certainly had a couple of the days I produced my most photos ever in a day during last week. I have really enjoyed it.

To summarise the month for wildlife its been an insect dominated one again. The butterfly season may be quieter now but this month I was able to put what I think is the crucial cherry on the top of an extraordinary and amazing butterfly year for me again by seeing my first Painted Lady (Farlington Marshes) and Silver-spotted Skippers and Clouded Yellow (Old Winchester Hill) of the year to take my butterfly year list to 43 making it my second highest ever behind last year’s 45. Leaving just three I’ve seen in my life I am yet to see this year. One of those despite trying we just couldn’t make happen and the other two are not immediately local to us so its ones we didn’t go anywhere we could see them this year. So that’s why I feel I’ve seen all the butterflies I have done, and that time at Old Winchester Hill at the height of the heatwave was a particularly memorable day one of my best this year as I saw an abundance of insect life in a thriving flower meadow and much more wildlife in one of the most beautiful spots in Hampshire on the South Downs. What a start to the month I’ll keep that time with me always in memory. Its got to the stage the last few wet in places days I didn’t see a butterfly which is probably for the first time since well before the summer showing how crucial butterflies have been for me this month and the others this year with how many seen especially. I concluded my Big Butterfly Count surveys spanning July into August that national survey I contribute to well that day at Old Winchester Hill with so many seen.

I think a big part of my August has been the amount of moths we have seen mostly coming in the house but outside too, with so many I managed to photograph and enjoy and of the ones I identified mostly with the kind help of others online six were new to me so far this month continuing a strong trend of my 2020 as I did in 2018 and 2019 really of noticing moths, yearning to know what they are and learning and celebrating them. Fitting 10 years on from when my butterfly and side interest in moths began too.

But I cannot say August hasn’t been a birding month at all because it has, and compared to July I saw so much more. Year list wise seven year ticks to date renergised my year a little for this its always quieter over the summer with my bogey bird seen and another candidate for it ones I normally and can see easily but don’t in a year for whatever reason and two of my favourite birds and one on my B list seen gloriously during our weekend away in the West Country last week. I could add more bird year ticks yet and its meant my bird year list is competing with my last two years again being the third highest amount of birds I’ve seen on given dates lately. But bird wise alongside many other great species seen locally in the garden at Lakeside, and getting to visit the Peregrines of Winchester Cathedral due to something I was required to go to the office for in Winchester for the first time seeing them or any in the flesh since March, the big story has been those Great Crested Grebe chicks at Lakeside. I craved seeing this pair I’d followed before this year produce chicks and when they did at the end of July I was beyond excited and through this month I have taken many moments of pure joy and fascination at seeing these adorable youngsters of one of my favourite birds grow. Some of the best bits of my walks locally whilst working from home. I took so many pictures of them too.

Other wildlife wise I had some great dragonfly moments in August a couple of Golden-ringed Dragonfly one of my very favourites sightings standing out that day at Old Winchester Hill we went to Cadman’s Pool in the New Forest and saw one a key place for them the forest is and we saw one in similar surroundings at Dartmeet, Dartmoor on Monday. Other insects have been seen by us like the Buff-tip moth caterpillar at the start of the month at Baddesley Common and Emer Bog and the Common Green lacewing in the kitchen yesterday. I’ve seen nice mammals this month too most notably my first bats of the year out the window and then I enjoyed a glorious dusk walk seeing them skim over beach lake at Lakeside what a moment.

I’ve taken in many breathtaking landscapes this month producing so many photos of them I’ve seen some wonderful habitats in vibrant summer colour and the early autumnal signs I’ve been noticing have come on more fully with so many colourful leaves and berries observed.

Finally a focal point of August was that instead of going to Rutland Water for the Bird Fair which we had done every year since 2008 obviously it was cancelled and held virtually which was good to bits of, we went to Devon staying in Dartmoor and visiting special locations we found last year in Cornwall too on Sunday. It was a sensational and needed few days away, where I had magical experiences for seeing birds, butterflies, some of my best views this year and much more in weather that we got so much sunshine out of in the end. I really enjoyed relaxing and taking in one of the best bits of the country wildlife and landscape wise some of my favourite habitats that weekend. Here’s to September! Stay safe and well all.

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1130

survey by nadine07

Where were you three hours ago? Was passed out on the living room couch and probably dreaming away, lmao.

Were you with anyone? Both my dogs were in the living room with me, if that counts.

Have you had anything alcoholic in the last 24 hours? Hmm, I’m trying to remember but I don’t think so. I went outside to eat, but I doubt they put any alcohol in my meal since I literally had a truffle-based pasta. No plans to drink this weekend, either.

Are you wearing shoes right now? Nope, I’m always barefoot around the house.

How long have you known your 1st phone contact? At least since the 6th grade cos I think that’s when she had transferred to my school.

Are they a relative? Nope, I went to school with her. We were seatmates for a while in sophomore year and that’s when I was able to see how talented she was at drawing and painting. She ended up transferring to UP as well after getting accepted to the fine arts program so we got to be collegemates as well, though I don’t really remember what university she initially got admitted to.

Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? Yeah, because I’m a dumb fuck when it comes to these things. I WILL SAY though that I’ll be so much kinder to myself should this ever happen, and no longer tolerate her bullshit and emotional/mental abuse under the guise of ~unconditional love. There’ll be a lot of shit she’ll have to pick up and fix, and I wouldn’t get back with her unless she acknowledges her mistakes and seek to correct them.

Would you ever go skinny dipping with the last person who commented you? That would be Leigh, and no. Idk if I’ve shared this or if this has ever come up on a survey but Andi actually once asked me if I’d like to be a part of a threesome with them and Leigh, and I just had to immediately decline because I view Leigh as a younger sister more than anything and I can’t bear to see her all naked loooool.

When was the last time you saw a movie in theaters? December 2019.

When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? I think the morning of New Year’s Eve. I was already starting my healing process by then and the holidays were getting me feeling kind of peaceful, so I sent her a few voice notes thanking her for the year that was but giving her a heads-up that I might not talk to her for a while, because I realized I was starting to get happier on the days I didn’t force conversation with her.

I honestly thought ‘a while’ would only take a couple of weeks, but I’ve since gotten used without her presence and it’s been 3 1/2 months since our final encounter; and I think it will stay this way now.

Has anyone called you beautiful today? No.

Are you still friends with the last person who broke your trust? That would be JM, and yeah. I find him ridiculous for lying to our faces about joining a fraternity in law school (frats are a big yuck where I live because of their toxic hazing and misogynist culture), but I mean I still sort of understand why he had to do it - obviously not for the above reason, but for the perks and support that usually come with joining frats. From now on I’ll always see him as someone who can smoothly lie to my face, though.

Does drama seem to follow you everywhere? No. I would hate that lol, that would just be too much to handle.

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now? No.

How would you feel if your best friend hooked up with your ex? I think my literal first reaction would be to laugh out of sheer disbelief, and then proceed to call her stupid for cheating and for choosing to cheat with her. After that’s died down, I think I’d mostly feel disappointed and betrayed.

How long did your last relationship last? The stint lasted 4 years, but we were technically together for 6 years if we’re counting the whole on/off thing.

If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? No. That’s what I had thought and they left. I’ve stopped trusting my feelings about these things anymore, and will assume anyone is capable of leaving.

Does it make you uncomfortable to talk on the phone around people? I just don’t want to be loud enough that I’m almost screaming around other people, but I can’t always monitor that since I have to concentrate on what I’m hearing on the other line.

Would you rather be 10 years older or 10 years younger? Probably 10 years older so that I can see into my future.

Have you ever kissed someone the same night your met them? No.

Do you bite your fingernails? Occasionally. I pick at them more frequently.

Would you consider yourself very flexible? Nah. Like I said on a previous survey, I can’t even reach my toes either while standing up or stretching on the floor.

Do you embarrass easily? Yeah.

Have you ever tried to talk your way out of getting a ticket? Yup. It’s happened twice; one of the occasions I was able to handle by myself and the other time Gab had to step in to talk to the officer because he was adamant about the ticket and I had started crying.

Did it work? Yes, both times. I’ve only been issued a ticket once, from this annoying grumpy officer in Alabang.

Have you ever been banned from anywhere? Trying to remember if I have been, but I don’t think so.

Do you have a ringtone or do you leave your phone on vibrate? The important messaging apps are on vibrate. I’ve turned off notifications for some apps and I have just the silent banner notifications for others.

What was the last thing you drank from a mug? I’m drinking coffee from one right now.

Has your #1 ever seen you naked?

Does your #2 know your deepest secret?

Will your #3 repost this?

Does your #4 smoke?

Were you born in the 90's? Yes, but by the end of it so I never considered myself a 90s kid.

When was the last time you paid less than $1 for something? The parking fee in Feliz.

Have you loaned anything out to anyone recently? Nope.

Are any of your siblings married? None of us are.

Who was the last person to spend the night with you at your house? Gabie.

How many different picture ids do you have in your wallet? Just my driver’s license and TIN ID.

Do you have a hard time making decisions? Depends on the weight of the decision. The heavier it is, the more I seek out friends who can provide fresh perspectives.

Has anyone kissed you when you weren't expecting it? Idk, Gabie probably snuck in some surprise ones a few times. IBetween the two of us I was more likely to do so, though.

Did you like it? If she did then I probably did during that time.

Who was your date to senior prom? We have junior prom, not senior prom. I just bought my favorite cousin since I had no interest in boys and was still learning how to make guy friends at that point.

Does your dad smoke? No, he’s never tried.

Is your mom over 50? She is turning 50 this year, but not until September.

Do you want to get married? It would be nice to experience it.

Have kids? Yes.

Are there any movies coming out you wanna see? Not that I know of. There are movies I do want to see, but they’ve already come out, like Ammonite and I Care A Lot.

Do you ever feel like you're leading a double life? No.

Do you have any plans to get a new tattoo or piercing? Tattoo, yeah. I’m just super chill about said plan and am not really in a hurry about it. I’ve yet to think of a design and where on my body to place it.

Do you know anyone named Christine? I know several people named Christine but they go by a nickname, like Tin.

Do you know anyone who's biracial? Sure, I went to high school with a couple of girls who are both half-brown and half-white as they both have European dads. I believe one of them is part German while the other girl is part Swiss.

Do you know anyone who works at Walmart? I don’t think so. I know my aunts who live in the US will occasionally shop there though, hahaha.

Has the last person you rode in a car with seen you in your underwear? I mean yeah, as a baby and as a young kid (it was my mom).

Are black bras sexy? They can be, sure.

Spell your full name without 'C','I','R', or 'Y': Obn.

Open the nearest book, turn to page 11, and type the first sentence: I’m at a Starbucks rn and didn’t bring any books with me.

Are you currently listening to anything? There’s jazz music faintly playing at the moment.

Would you ever consider getting breast implants? Before I definitely used to, when people still liked to make fun of small boobs. Nowadays I don’t feel the need to anymore.

If you could spend 30 minutes with someone who's gone, who would you pick? I’d probably pick my great-grandpa over my grandpa. I never met the former; and if I only had 30 minutes with my grandpa (who I did grow up with) I think it would just fuck with me psychologically.

Are you on birth control? Nopes.

Do you know anyone who is bisexual? Lots.

Would you walk into Walmart naked for $10,000? Yes.

Does anyone call you babe? No.

Do you hate it when people try to play with your hair? If I’m not close enough to them I would feel bothered, yes.

Who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? I think I had just told Sofie then.

Were you in a relationship 6 months ago? Yeah but it was cracking and it was cracking fast. It’ll be hitting 6 months this March, actually.

Are you still with that person? No.

Are you the kind of person who has crazy mood swings? No. This happens to my mom and I hate it very much, so I try to watch my actions and not switch rapidly between different moods.

This is question 69...so have you ;)? Sure.

How long is it until your birthday? Around a month and a couple of weeks.

#survey #surveys

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aernox · 4 years

Text

Fragments - Day 4 Rivamika Week 2019

Early in the morning, the postings of the royal decree were nailed to the notice boards all around the barracks. The commotion of soldier’s shouting and causing a general ruckus, did not surprise Levi one bit. There had been rumors that this might happen after all. Armin had heard about them when he had been visiting the interior, but Historia herself had said nothing of it to Armin, or so he told Levi.

Arranged matrimonial relations. These were emergency actions that would require thirty percent of the current adult population of good health, to marry and procreate. With reports of the birth rates falling, and with mortality rates for young adults at an all-time high, there was pressure for the population inside the walls to sire children for several purposes. The first was to ensure that humanity inside the walls continued to survive in order to produce a sustainable workforce of farmers and other essential workers. The other was to ensure that there were enough soldiers to bolster the ranks to seem a plausible threat to the enemies of Paradis.

Soldiers were huddled around in groups, the men conversing quietly with each other but unable to hide the anxious looks on their face. Some of the women openly sobbed, with no amount of consoling able to help. It seemed that during the first round of these announcements, a higher percentage of those in the military had been chosen and partnered off. Deciding to get it over and done with, Levi approached the notice board that displayed the names of the couples chosen, not really expecting to be selected, he searched for his own name. Seeing his name printed in black ink, Levi’s dark eyes followed the name his own was paired with, when he felt a sharp jolt in his chest, then a sinking feeling that he couldn’t shake off. He wondered if she knew yet, and what would she think of being paired up with him.

Levi immediately turned on his heel and headed back to his office, the noise of the crowds in the hallway only growing louder and louder. He shut the door to his office behind him, and stood there a moment, trying to comprehend his own feelings on the matter. He was not disappointed for himself he realised. He was disappointed for her. She was still young and in the prime of her life, whilst he, although not old, was not exactly a spring chicken anymore. The pair of them had always gotten on tolerably well, but they were not overtly friendly with each other. Levi knew that she would not be happy being paired with him. A faint whistle came from the fireplace, and he knew that the kettle had finished boiling.

Tea. Tea always helps.

After taking a sip, and already sat at his desk, Levi set down the teacup onto the saucer with a clink. How was he going to face her, knowing that she would resent him for the rest of her life.

Besides, isn’t it common knowledge that she’s been pining for Eren all of these years? They’re god damn childhood sweethearts.

He let out sigh and swirled his teaspoon in his cup, watching the hot water spin when he heard a knock at the door.

“Not now, Hange!” Levi barked, knowing that she always had the worst timing.

The door to Levi’s office opened a crack as Mikasa put one foot in door.

“It’s not Hange…” Mikasa’s said tentatively, “You’ve seen the announcement already, I take it?”

Taken aback by her sudden appearance and unable to find time to thoroughly examine his thoughts, he didn’t reply immediately.

“I’ll come back later.” Mikasa said closing the door behind her with the faint click as the door shut completely.

Bolting up from his chair he raced to the door, throwing it open to find Mikasa right in front him, she hadn’t moved from her spot. Several soldiers in the corridors looked on at them, wondering what was going to happen, already knowing that they had been paired up with each other.

“Please. Come in, Mikasa.” Levi said as he held the door open.

She took a seat in the chair opposite his at his desk, fiddling at a thread of Survey Corps uniform. Shutting the door and walking to his chair, he wondered where he would begin.

“In response to your question, yes. I have seen the announcement…,” Levi said, finally sitting down and taking a sip of his tea that was still hot.

Mikasa’s head was bowed, which left Levi unable to see her facial expression, but she nodded quickly.

“As soon as I saw it, I went to see Historia.” Mikasa started, “I thought there had to be some mistake. But did you know what she said to me?”

Mikasa raised her hair, her black hair falling either side of her face. Levi shook his head, waiting for her answer.

“She said that we all have to make sacrifices. Just like she did.” Mikasa’s voice was strong and even.

Levi said nothing in response, but watched Mikasa, waiting to see what she really thought of these arrangements.

“Did you know that she’s pregnant? Historia.” Mikasa asked him.

Levi shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “There had been a rumor.”

“Do you know who the father of her child is?” Still, Mikasa’s tone was aloof, as if she was asking what the weather was like outside.

Levi’s eyes narrowed, watching Mikasa as she stared at him.

“Again, I heard a rumor.” Levi said, his voice low.

But they both knew who the father was, they just couldn’t say.

“Mikasa, what do you want to do about this whole thing?” Levi asked her

“I didn’t think we really had a choice. It being a royal decree and all.” the sarcasm was not lost on Levi.

“I’m serious.” Levi said, this time he thought her expression meant that she realised this.

“I heard people talking about running away. So that they wouldn’t have to get married.” Mikasa said, turning her gaze away from him. “Stupid idea. They would be found eventually.”

Levi said nothing, wanting her to continue. Mikasa fidgeted nervously in her chair, unable to look at him in the eye. There was another knock on the door.

“Not now, Hange!” Levi barked again.

There was coughing from behind the door and a voice called out that Commander Hange wanted to see Levi in her office.

“Tch,” Levi rose from his chair, putting his jacket on and straightening his already perfectly straight cravat. “We’ll speak later Mikasa.”

Without a word she rose and reached the door before Levi and proceeded down the corridor in the opposite direction that Levi needed to go in. Levi entered Erwin’s old office to find Hange sitting behind the desk. Even after all these years, Levi still thought of this as Erwin’s office. Armin was standing by the window and raised his hand in greeting to Levi.

“Shit has really hit the fan.” Levi said as he shut the door and stood behind the chair opposite Hange.

“Well, we were half expecting this, Levi.” Hange said, motioning for his to sit down which Levi did.

Levi crossed his arms.

“The situation isn’t ideal for anyone.” Armin said as he leaned against the wall.

“Who did you guys get partnered with?” Levi asked.

For a moment Hange and Armin looked at each other before they both replied, in sync.

“Each other.”

“Oh,”

It was the only thing Levi could think to say. There was silence for several moments before Hange shuffled some papers and stowed them away in a draw in her desk.

“Armin and I have come to an arrangement.” Hange said, seemingly distracted by more paperwork at her desk as she spoke.

“We will get married, as the royal decree demands, but we will live together as… friends.” Armin said, his tone was very matter of fact.

Levi already saw a flaw in their plan.

“In case you haven’t read the fine print… you are obligated to produce offspring. It is a requirement. If after a year and a half of marriage there are no children, they will annul the marriage and you will be assigned a new partner to marry.” Levi’s own voice emulated nothing but monotone factualness.

Armin turned his attention back to the window, averting his gaze from both Levi and Hange.

Clearing her throat Hange began, “We will perform our matrimonial duties as required until we produce a child.”

Levi hoped his disappointment didn’t show on his face. He had hoped that the smartest people he knew, Hange and Armin, would have figured out a way around this mess, a solution that Levi could have used himself. But this solution would be of no use to him.

***

Levi tossed again for what seemed like the hundredth time that night in bed. A persistent gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach plagued him that he just could not shift. After his meeting with Hange and Armin, Levi had sent a scout to ask Mikasa to return to his office. An hour later the scout returned without Mikasa, reporting they had searched everywhere for her but to no avail. When the scout asked if he wanted to report Mikasa’s desertion to Hange, Levi clipped him around the ear and the scout said no more about it.

Swinging his legs out of bed, Levi got up poured water into his kettle, repeating the mantra to himself that tea always made things better. Waiting for it to boil he went over to the wash basin and threw water onto his face. He watched in the mirror as the drips of water rolled down his weathered skin, the fine lines developing around the corners of his eyes, mouth and forehead. Dark circles had settled themselves underneath his tired eyes.

I look like shit.

As he watched his reflection it seemed obvious to him why Mikasa would want to leave. He was an older man, who would steal away the best years of a young woman’s life. He was still pondering when he noticed something moving in the reflection of his mirror. He continued to watch as Mikasa opened the window to his room and climbed in.

“I need to talk to you, Captain.” Mikasa said as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Why didn’t you use the door like a normal person?” Levi quipped.

“Neither of us are exactly normal.” Mikasa’s words hanged in the air until she continued, “It’s after curfew.”

“I thought that would be the least of you worries right now.”

Levi watched as her throat moved slowly as if she was gulped.

“I have decided to marry you. If you want me, that is.” Mikasa’s word were slow, as if she were feeling how they felt to leave her lips.

Levi’s eyes narrowed.

“No.” Levi said, moving to take the kettle of the fire. Only when he had finished pouring the water into the two cups did he chance a glance at her.

Mikasa was stood stock still, her eyes were as wide as saucers Levi thought to himself.

“What do you mean no?” Mikasa asked, choking on her words.

Levi picked up the two cups and handed one to Mikasa.

“I don’t intend to marry anyone under coercion. Royal decree be damned.” Levi sat on the windowsill, casually looking out to the empty dark horizon, marbled by the stars above.

“But-“

“But what!? I will not force a young woman in the prime of her life to be burdened for the rest of her life to an older man…let alone a woman who loves someone else.” Levi sipped his tea before adding, “That is the end of the matter, Mikasa.”

“No.”

“No wha-“

“This is not the end of the matter, because you will hear me out. Is that clear, Captain?” Levi could feel the fierceness in her voice.

“You have my attention, Ackerman.”

“If I understand correctly, you refuse to marry me because you believe that it is due to me being coerced by the royal decree, do you not?”

Levi nodded, as Mikasa took a sip of the tea.

“Then I wonder what your answer would be if I told you that I did not feel compelled to marry you. But wanted to marry you of my own free will, Captain.”

Levi was frozen in place, unblinking, waiting for any sign that this was a joke, a ruse. Thoughts occurred to Levi that Mikasa could never be that callous.

“Tell me now. The truth. Do you mean what you say?”

With her teacup still in hand, he watched as Mikasa seem to glide over to him, her hand slowly rising to his temple, her thumb gentle stroking the space under his tired eyes. His hands were on her waist before he could even think what to do next, the smash of the teacups hitting the floor barely registering. Their lips crashed against each other, hands moved in hurried motions and Levi’s eyes were still closed but he could feel Mikasa tugging on his bracers, pulling him towards his bed as his boots crushed the fragments of the shattered teacups into the floor.

#rivamika #levimika #rivamikaevents #rivamikaweek #not entirely happy with this but its super late already #levi x mikasa #arranged marriage #day 4

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dispatchesfrom2020 · 3 years

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2020

What stories was I sleeping on?

So, what stories did I definitely miss before this project? Well, Atlantic Hurricanes and the Belarussian protests, for sure. Here are some of the other news I skipped out on during the year - or my recaps.

Ben Curtis/AP

1. Locusts Swarm

An unusually wet 2019 led to swampy conditions across the Horn of Africa and western Asia - giving rise to a nearly biblical swarm of locusts. There are photographs where they literally seem to black-out the sun. The culprit? Climate change. The warming waters of the Indian ocean led to stormier weather - essentially more and bigger cyclones. It’s the worst outbreak of the crop-devouring pests in a quarter-century and it threatens food security across the region. The pandemic grinds international trade to a stop - obstructing many countries efforts to buy pesticides, equipment or bring in expert help to curb the infestation. Throughout the year, these swarms ballooned in size, stretching deep into Asia and across the Pacific ocean to Argentina and Brazil. An estimated 20 million people could face hunger and starvation and the UN’s World Food Program estimates that recovery could cost upwards of $9b USD in Africa alone.

Tyler Hicks/The New York Times

2. The Tigray War

For three decades the Tigray people held the balance of political and economic power in the country, tightly controlled through the Tigray People Liberation Front (TPLF), a Tigray nationalist party. In 2018 the Ethiopian election People's Revolutionary Democratic Front, led by Oromo Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed Ali, won control of the country’s government.

Animosities boiled over when the Tigray province persisted with the 2020 election, despite government orders to postpone voting until 2021 due to the coronavirus. Prime Minister Abiy cut off funding to Tigray, incising local leadership. In November 2020, youth militias affiliated with the TPLF killed six hundred villagers in the border town of Mai Kadra - and allegedly attacked Ethiopian military bases.

The government responded by shelling the Tigray capital of Mekelle. Ethiopia’s armed forces quickly took control of the city and surrounding towns, with the militias retreating into the mountains where skirmishes have continued.

With Tigrayan people facing violent retaliation - they have faced furloughs from jobs, had bank accounts suspended, faced arbitrary raids on their homes, and been refused permission to board airplanes or travel overseas. Many have faced direct violence, especially from non-Tigray militias.

The conflict has seen incursions from Eritrean forces. Abiy was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his work mending the relationship with Ethiopia’s former colony-turned-neighbour. They share a common enemy now - Tigray. Eritrean forces slaughtered church-goers at a religious festival in early December, killing children and elders indiscriminately. These shadow forces of Fano militias and Eritrean soldiers have committed war crimes - including extrajudicial killings and rape. They even looted the church that allegedly houses the Ark of the Covenant.

The Tigrayan refugees have only one option: Sudan. One journalist writes: “Several [Tigrayan refugees] told me that they saw dozens of bodies along the route as they fled their shops, homes and farms and took to the long road to the border... in stifling heat.”

The New York Times series on Tigray was helpful in understanding more about the conflict and its historical and ethnic contexts. But I have to say - I feel unclear about what comes next. Will guerilla warfare between the Tigray militias and Eritrean-Ethiopian forces continue? Will the country face international consequences for their move towards genocide? I guess 2021 will decide.

A SolarWinds banner hangs outside the New York Stock Exchange on the company’s IPO day in 2018 - Brendan McDermid/Reuters

3. The SolarWinds hack

I chose to write about icebergs rather than this story for a reason. I wholly do NOT understand cyber security. Like, at all. My eyes glaze over when somebody tries to explain Wikileaks to me. I tried. I really did - I read like three articles trying to parse the details and make sense of anything and here’s what I got:

Hackers - almost certainly Russian - got into the US government secure networks. For a lot of departments. For months. It’s really, really bad. The government has a pretty blasé response to the disaster. Trump blames China. Agencies are turning directly to Microsoft for answers rather than their own cyber security people. It’s a blazing hot mess.

I’m going to continue to not understand this one, sorry.

Juan Carlos Ulate/Reuters

4. Civil Rights in 2020

The expansion of civil rights in Central/South America, with the legalization of abortion in Argentina in December and the introduction of gay marriage in Costa Rica in May, gave us something to celebrate in 2020. These new rights are the result of years - and decades - of organizing by activists in these two countries.

Costa Rica is the sixth Latin-American country to legalize gay marriage. Argentina joins a short list of places in Latin America where abortion is fully legal - just Cuba, Guyana, Uruguay, and two Mexican states.

Some couples rushed to wed on the stroke of midnight - magistrates stayed up late into the night to marry couples. Marcos Castillo (L) and Rodrigo Campos (R) waited until the following morning - and celebrated with a masked kiss after their ceremony.

Other notable moments in civil rights? New Zealand officially revoked their antiquated anti-abortion laws (which they’d been effectively ignoring for years anyway), Bhutan decriminalized homosexuality, Switzerland passed legislation that will allow people to change the gender on their government IDs, and Croatia struck down laws forbidding gay couples from fostering children. Albania banned gay conversion therapy - as did the Yukon, actually - and Barbados made discrimination on the basis of sexuality illegal.

Nicky Kuautonga/The Guardian

5. Oceania crushed the pandemic

Virtually all of the countries reported to be COVID-free during 2020 were Oceanic nations and island territories. Turkmenistan says they didn’t have any cases but they’re lyin’. -Tuvalu Kiribati, Nauru, Tonga, and Palau all ended the year with no cases, while Samoa and the Solomon Islands reported a few isolated cases in quarantine facilities as they re-opened the border to repatriate their citizens abroad.

Some combination of strict travel restrictions, new hygiene rules, curfews, and early lockdowns kept most of these countries relatively untouched. While New Zealand and Australia experienced several flare-ups throughout the year, their targeted lockdowns helped eradicate community spread quickly each time, returning them to schools, workplaces and boozy brunches quickly.

Honourable mentions to Vietnam and Thailand - with 100 million and 70 million citizens apiece both have charted under 100 deaths to COVID - and Taiwan with only nine casualties.

Gulalay Amiri, a pomegranate farmer, surveys his slim haul. Fighting as worsened in many parts of Afghanistan after the United States announced they would withdraw from the country in 2021 - Jim Huylebroek for The New York Times

6. War in Afghanistan

In March the United States signed a peace-deal with the Taliban, promising to withdraw troops by May of 2021. The War in Afghanistan has lasted 19 years - the longest war in American history and the majority of my lifetime.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

During peace talks the Taliban refused to commit to recognizing the country’s elected government, disavowing Al-Qaeda or protecting women’s rights. They support limited education for girls - only up to the sixth grade.

I listened to a few podcasts by the Daily on the ground in Afghanistan with the current government’s security forces. Many of the young soldiers they interviewed were so young they’d never lived in a country governed by the Taliban - and they fiercely oppose the idea. It also appears that the Afghan government were often excluded from peace talks, finding out details of the American meetings with the Taliban through international news reports and Taliban statements on social media.

Since the Taliban’s deal with the United States, Taliban bombings and attacks have continued, targeting both security forces and civilians. The Afghan government has pointed the finger at the Taliban for mass shooting at a maternity ward in Kabul that killed 24 women and infants. “They came for the mothers”, said horrified eyewitnesses.

For almost two decades, the western world has supported the ‘new’ Afghanistan - but it feels very fragile. Will a withdrawal lead those people that assisted coalition forces vulnerable to retaliation? It feels likely. The fighting between the Taliban and the Afghan government has been fierce - and come with high civilian casualties. The year is punctuated, nearly monthly, with news of new attacks in Afghanistan.

It reminds me of the end of the Vietnam war. America withdrew and two years later the south was retaken by the North. In the final days of the Vietnam war the United States evacuated around 150,000 civilians who had worked with American on the ground. Nearly a million others left the country by boat, seeking asylum at refugee camps in Indonesia, Malaysia and the Philippines. Hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese people who had collaborated with the US-backed South were sent to re-education camps where they were sometimes tortured or starved. Is this what Afghanistan will look like?

There’s no 'good’ solution - and for now the future of the war in Afgahnistan feels very opaque. I think I under-reported stories in the region as a result - it feels too complex to boil down into daily recaps.

Bobi Wine, 38, was detained by police for allegedly breaking COVID-19 restrictions while campaigning in Uganda’s upcoming presidential election - Abubaker Lubowa/Reuters

8. Ugandan election protests

Western media doesn’t seem to place a lot of importance on reporting in Africa - but what little attention they had for the continent focused on the anti-SARS protests in Nigeria throughout the fall. The attention on police violence in America raised the profile of these demonstrations - and the brutality of the government’s response, shooting at dozens of peaceful marchers gathered at the Lekki toll bridge.

But they were far from the only protests in Africa.

As Uganda prepared for an election early in 2021, the government forcefully cracked down on youthful dissidents - like presidential hopefuls Bobi Wine and Patrick Amuriat who were detained by police during the final campaign pushes in November.

Wine, a young musician, has been arrested numerous times since he announced his candidacy. One occasion police beat Wine so badly he temporarily lost his vision - they also killed his driver. They raided his offices, confiscating election materials, and arrested supporters. His bodyguard will later be killed after being struck by a military truck while helping an injured reporter escape tear-gas during December protests.

Police record 56 casualties as they violently put down the large-scale protests - though human rights group have suggested the real number could be dramatically higher.

Ariana Quesada holds a photo of her father, Benito. He died after an outbreak at the Cargill meat-packing plant where he worked. She filed a complaint with the RCMP, asking them to investigate conditions at the plant - Justin Pennell/CBC

9. Meat packing plants become coronavirus hotspots

Meat processing plants become super-spreaders - these often rurally-located factories see massive outbreaks across the United States and Canada. Their floors are crowded with employees working elbow-to-elbow, forced to shout over the loud din of machinery. The refrigeration - necessary for keeping the meat unspoiled - may allow the virus to live longer in the air.

By September of 2020, nearly 500 meat-processing plants had reported at least one case of COVID in the United States. And 203 had died.

At a Tyson Foods factory in Waterloo, Iowa, staff allege that management placed bets on how many workers would become sick - and die. Supervisors began avoiding the floor, relegating their responsibilities to untrained workers.

The plant reluctantly closed - by the time they re-opened two weeks later over a third of their 2,800 workforce had tested positive. Five workers died - including Isidro Fernandez, whose family is leading a lawsuit against the company.

In Canada, Cargill faces a similar lawsuit after an enormous outbreak in their High River facility that resulted in three deaths - two employees and one staffer’s 71-year-old father. They were: Hiep Bui, Armando Sallegue, and Benito Quesada. The company offered a $500 “responsibility” bonus for workers who didn’t miss any shifts - and discouraged employees from reporting any flu-like symptoms. Many of the factory’s workers are temporary foreign workers or new Canadians.

10. The Nazca Lines

I forgot about this and am shoehorning it in now, but Peruvian archaeologists discovered another ancient line drawing in the desert outside of Lima - this time in the shape of a kitty cat.

Of all the archaeology finds this year - remains at Pompeii, a mammoth graveyard in Mexico, and a wealth of sarcophagi in Egypt - this is my favourite.

#2020 recap #2020 in depth

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krisroley · 3 years

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February 9th, 2021

One Small Moment

Today I want to talk to some specific friends who I won't name, but I'm fairly sure that this will apply to way more of just them.

First things first, I'm not going to insult your intelligence by giving you a bunch of platitudes. In my experience, they're nothing but empty calories. Filler and no substance, they're designed to make the person giving them feel better, not the person who needs help. In some cases, people who need help end up feeling worse. I'm one of those people, so I absolutely understand the feeling. So, no bullshit from me. Cool? Moving on.

Let me describe my lack of bona fides right upfront. I'm a guy with a high school education and one year of college because I let my dick do the thinking up to the point that I ended up homeless and friendless. I tried to follow in my Dad's footsteps and join the military and washed right out after six months because I have a mouth bigger than my brain. I come from a family that describing as dysfunctional is exceedingly generous. My dad had anger issues, my mother was a narcissist manipulator, as is my brother. He's got a criminal record and is probably on his way back to prison for at least 12 years as I write this. I'm the voice of reason in my family, and as I have said repeatedly, this should scare the fuck out of you. I got married at 24, and I had three kids by the age of 30. I've been dirt poor most of that time. At this stage of my life, I believe that I am an undiagnosed case of autism from the 1970s because my kids--all of them--are on the spectrum. I didn't have a bad childhood if you looked at it from one angle, but I had a horrible one if you looked at it from the inside out. I inherited my Dad's anger issues and my mother's narcissism. I was a horrible husband for years until my wife walked out on me in 2005. It made me face myself in a way I had not seen before, and I couldn't take it. I had a nervous breakdown. My wife thought I was worth saving, and I am forever grateful for it. I promised I would work on my issues, and I have. Three times in my life, I thought I was at the end of my rope. Not from a thought of suicide ideation, just that there was nowhere else to turn. No one else to ask for help. No one else I could lean on. Just Roley.

That moment right there is the point. The entire lesson. One small moment when your brain says, "Well, you're really fucked now, aren't you?" There is only one answer to that question, and that answer is yes because if you answer no, you ain't there yet. Trust me on this. You have to answer yes. This is the moment where you're accountable to no one but you, and you cannot lie to yourself. You can TRY. It ain't gonna work. Not for long.

Let's not bullshit ourselves. There is a lot of work in repairing a life that you fucked up on your own. You climb up out of a hole for years before you ever see daylight. I was a shut-in for two years because I thought it better that the world forgets about me. I tried to make a living from home in 2006-2007, but this world we live in hadn't come to pass yet, and I was living a fantasy. It made me feel worse that I couldn't provide for my family, but I could barely function as a human at that point. So I decided to do the only work I was capable of: Working on myself. I read every self-help book and mental health book I could lay my hands on. I dug deep into myself to try to figure out why I was the person I was, how I became that way, and the answer was straightforward. First, I thought I was absolutely normal. My behavior, though abhorrent, was how I was raised. My parents treated each other and us kids horribly, but it wasn't physically abusive save for a couple of times I'll keep to myself. I grew up in the same environment I perpetuated. I was continuing a cycle. Secondly, to accept that fact and to change meant work I wasn't ready to take on. But human psychology is a lot like a car in that regard; you can do the work now, or you can do it later, but it's going to cost you a lot more. In my case, it almost cost me everything. It was the third of those three times that I faced myself in the mirror and heard that voice, and this was the time I said yes.

For two-thirds of my life, my story is a story of failure, of self-hatred, of being a bad example. But from the age of 35 to 50, it's a story of repair and redemption. I'll put my humble path to today up against anyone's and dare them to do the work I've done to heal myself and come out who I am today. I'm still married to the same woman for over 25 years now. I've got three amazing kids who I adore. Up until May of this year, I had what I consider to be a dream job until COVID ate it, but I'm still with the same company, and I'm going to bust whatever amount of ass it takes to get my job back or demonstrate the skills I learned there to someone else who's willing to take me. I have a sense of self-worth and purpose that I've never had before, and I'm not taking being a call center tech support agent for the rest of my life. It is a means to an end, and it is not my life's work. I know what that is. It's helping you in the best way I know how: By being not the example of how to fix it, but from showing you by my example, it CAN BE FIXED that you can go from being a person full of anger and self-loathing and cruel behavior to being a person of kindness and compassion and love for people. That you can go from being a person who has no prospects to a person who can go to a job every day that fulfills them personally and professionally. That you can go from being a person who hasn't got their shit together at all to a person that can get morning to night without falling apart at the seams. This is my road, and my lane, but it's big enough for you, and I want you on this road with me. Some of you are gifted and talented beyond description, but the world doesn't know it yet because you have these problems. I know. I get it. I also see who you are, and the world deserves to see you as well. I had no one else to turn to at that last moment, so I did what I had to do. Myself. I'm asking you to take a walk with me because I don't want you to have to do it on your own. I may not know your way home, but I can get you as far as Anchorhead. You can get transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.

I had to get one joke in there somehow.

Did Joe Know About This?

On the heels of the news of Joe Budden maybe-kinda-sorta-moving his show to Patreon (which is weird since it looks like it’s being hosted on Libsyn now), Spotify has announced plans for multiple business models for podcasts, possibly to include ad-supported subscriptions and a la carte options. These may be discussed at a live stream event later in February.

Asked if Spotify thought customers would be willing to pay for podcasts, Ek on the earnings call responded that he believed there were several new models that could be explored.

“I think we’re in the early days of seeing the long-term evolvement of how we can monetize audio on the internet. I’ve said this before, but I don’t believe that it’s a one-size-fits-all,” he said. “I believe, in fact, that we will have all business models, and that’s the future for all media companies — that you will have ad-supported subscriptions and à la carte sort of in the same space, of all media companies in the future.”

“And you should definitely expect Spotify to follow that strategy and that pattern,” Ek added, more definitively.

The answer seemed to indicate that Spotify is considering some of the ideas in that recent survey — of getting consumers to pay for some podcasts, instead of accessing them all for free or having them bundled into their music subscription.

I wonder if Budden was aware of this and balked. Would there be a revenue split between Spotify and the creators, and what’s the ratio? Now that I think of it, isn’t that what they’ve been crying about re: Apple?

For more than a year, Spotify has been making noise about Apple’s unchecked power over the App Store, and in March 2019, it filed a complaint against Apple with the European Commission. Spotify claims Apple’s practice of taking 30 percent of an app’s revenue is unjustified, and says the company operates as a monopoly on iOS.

Suddenly, I find this Budden/Spotify deal more intriguing.

Wait, You Can Make Money Doing That?

Julie Miller from Vanity Fair writes about Hollywood coming over to the Pod Side for ‘fun and profit’:

…entertainment types began orbiting the audio space about two years ago in earnest, as the number of Americans listening to podcasts every month headed toward the 100 million it is today. It was also around 2018 that agencies like CAA began incorporating audio deals into their development packages. One insider estimates that many celebrities could get a six-figure guarantee per year, with the biggest actors receiving between $1 million and $3 million to launch an unscripted podcast. Scripted projects offer less up-front money but can be adapted into TV shows, films, books, and so on.

For the record, I am Steve Jobs, “Podcasts are Amateur Hour" Years Old. For years, podcasting was seen as less-than, so when I see stories like this, the little imp of the perverse in the back of my head tosses a bone at every true media elitist who, strangely, has a podcast now..

How About Not Doing That?

Chris Curran over at PES has a question about your thin mouth:

When I’m doing my fine-tuned editing on a podcast episode I use TwistedWave or Sound Forge because they allow me to VERY QUICKLY zoom in, highlight very small things like single mouthclicks, and delete them.

When I try to make the same kind of edit in a DAW (Reaper and others) it takes forever.

What say you?

For the most part, my workflow tends to remove mouth clicks, or at the very least minimize them. If they still show up through my noise gate, I highlight and remove them. I can’t say this happens often because I like to make sure I keep some water near me while I’m recording. The single biggest thing you can do to prevent mouth clicks is to keep hydrated. Remember, you can’t fix it in Post if it never happens in the first place.

Shot Of The Day

#Joe Budden #Spotify #Monetization #Podcasts #Hollywood #Vanity Fair #Julie Miller #Podcast Engineering School #Mouthclicks #PES

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medea10 · 4 years

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Medea’s Top 20 Animes of the Decade

Hey all! Disappointed in some “best of” lists of this past decade? Well…prepared to be possibly disappointed some more because I’m doing one now! Here’s a top 20 list of my favorite animes that came out in the 2010’s. I seriously couldn’t do 10 this time due to how many awesome animes came out this decade. Unlike my anime superlative list, I’m going to be stricter here. Anything that aired in Japan before January 2010 is stricken from the list (which sucks because that means Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood & InuYasha: The Final Act are disqualified). And these are going to be MY favorites from this decade. Be aware that there will be popular animes I leave off the list due to my own personal opinions and the fact that some of them I have not watched yet. So I’m just going to tell you right now, don’t expect My Hero Academia, Hunter x Hunter, or Demon Slayer on this list because I have not watched any of that shit! Let’s get cracking!

20. Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card (2018)

After nearly 20 years since the end of the first series, Cardcaptor Sakura returns with a sequel no one asked for and no one expected to come back. But it definitely brought back the nostalgia for those who grew up watching CCS. This story gives a continuation where Sakura is in middle school and ends up collecting a whole new set of mysterious cards. And the series is what you would expect with the cutesy feel whenever Sakura is with Li or it gets really intense when Sakura’s up against a really powerful card. While the ending leaves us on a bit of a cliffhanger with no continuation in sight, this series was one of the best reboots I’ve watched in recent years.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, FUNimation, & Hulu Coming soon to home video

19. The Rising of the Shield Hero (2019)

This is my first (modern) Isekai and I gotta say I really enjoyed the story. Unlike other anime characters that travel to another world, the main character Naofumi is not praised as a savior nor put on a golden pedestal. Quite the opposite, this guy has to fight for even a shred of respect from anybody. Because after watching past protagonists like Miaka Yuuki, Kagome, and Kirito, that trope gets boring. Despite many of these episodes making me physically ill as I watched Naofumi being shit on by the other heroes and everybody else, it was great to watch this struggle with Naofumi to become a great shield hero.

P.S. Myne is still a raging cunt!

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll & FUNimation

18. My Love Story!! (2015)

One of the BEST rom-com animes out there! The story of a gentle giant boy named Takeo falling in love with a sweet, petite girl named Yamato and their story as a couple. Yeah, the big difference between this anime and a bunch of other anime rom-coms is that Takeo and Yamato reveal their love for each other in episode 4 in a 24 episode series! By anime standards, that’s unheard of because most love stories want to wait until the finale for something like that. This anime is just a cute story of watching Takeo and Yamato bloom with their budding relationship. Yeah, I admit some of the stories can be a little boring. Sometimes the beginnings of romances have a slow-start before we get to the good stuff. But even when they’re doing little things, they’re just so cute to watch.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, HI-DIVE & Hulu Available for home video

17. Durarara!! (2010, 2015-2016)

This story is a complete cluster-fuck, but I don’t care. The stories that come from this anime and the characters make this one of my favorites. Durarara follows the strange stories that happen around the town of Ikebukuro with a headless motorcycle rider, super-human strengthed men, an internet troll who loves to mess with humans, otakus, a mad scientist, a parasitic carrier, and gangs of different sorts. But if you would ask me what’s my favorite thing about Durarara (because there’s a lot of random things for anyone to choose), it would of course be any time Shizuo Heiwajima is on the screen. This guy is just pure rage in a bartender’s outfit. He’s able to casually pick up and throw a vending machine at a person, he can punch the clothes off a guy’s body, and even kick a mid-sized car down the street.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, Hulu & Netflix Available for home video

16. Daily Lives of High School Boys (2012)

If you’re looking for something random and hilarious to watch, look no further with this one. Each episode has random segments, mostly featuring three boys, Tadakuni, Hidenori, and Yoshitake in some of the most absurd moments ever showcased in an anime. Just to name a few fun moments; being caught experimenting with women’s underwear, finding a clever way to kill a hornet (indirect kiss), intellectual talk with a cute girl, using your jacket as a soccer ball replacement, and how to unzip your fly without using your hands! That last one still confounds me. But the show also expands to other characters around school and town. I know this series is severely random to have a coherent plot, but sometimes I prefer randomness. And that’ll continue with the next entry!

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll Available for home video

15. Nichijou (2011)

Yet another random segment anime (only this time with girls)! I know the official title is “My Ordinary Life”, but there is nothing ordinary about an anime where you have a six year old professor, a talking robot girl that was created by the six-year old professor, a talking black cat, high school girls capable of body-flipping police officers, a young boy who rides a goat to school, a high school girl capable of firing a bazooka, and a principal who fights a deer. That last one is just epic! If for no other reason to watch Nichijou, just watch the scene where the principal fights a deer! Much like Daily Lives of High School Boys, this series relies more on the random shenanigans of many of these characters (but mostly the main three girls, Mio, Yuuko, and Mai). It’s silly and fun! Check it out and give this anime a little love. Because there’s no way it’s getting a second season (Japan showed no love for this one)!

Available to watch on: FUNimation Available for home video

14. ERASED (2016)

I don’t care what manga readers say, this was a fine anime, you anal-rententive fuck-wipes (soooo not sorry for that statement)! This murder-mystery captured my attention when it first aired. The story is about a man named Satoru who has this ability to go backwards in time (usually a few seconds or minutes) to prevent a tragedy from occurring. But after an incident involving his mother, he ends up going all the way back to his ten-year old body in 1988 in order to prevent a tragedy from his childhood. This included saving his classmate, Kayo from her premature demise. It was a catchy time-leaping mystery that would enthrall me week after week…up to a certain point. Yeah, you can already guess who the culprit was early on. But all the suspense leading up to this was still a great tale.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll & Hulu Available for home video

13. Panty & Stocking w/ Garterbelt (2010)

GAINAX, you wishy-washy, crazy-ass, can’t give a full conclusion to a story to save your life, leaving us on a decade-long cliffhanger bastards, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!

So this bizarre-ass anime is about two bitch-angels kicked out of Heaven, named Panty and Stocking. One likes to fuck men and the other gorges herself on sweets! In order to get back into Heaven, they must exterminate ghosts with the help of a black priest named Garterbelt, a fanboy named Briefs, and an Invader Zim knock-off named Chuck. And did I mention Panty and Stocking use their own lingere as weapons to take down ghosts? This story is balls-to-the-wall insane! And it gets crazier when you pop in the English dub! Dick jokes, fart jokes, and a whole lot of fucks! As any superhero show will do, this anime does stay to the villain of the episode trope with a few leeways here and there. This included a segment dedicated to the late Satoshi Kon and a music video. All of this leading to an ending NO ONE expected to happen leaving us on a cliffhanger that is now going on 10 years. Regardless, this absurdity in a thong is a treasure to behold. I would also advise not doing a drinking game whenever one of them says “Fuck”. You’d be dead by the end of the first episode!

Available to watch on: FUNimation Available for home video

12. Attack on Titan (2013, 2017-2019)

*singing incoherent Japanese*

YEAGER!!!

Get ready to get hooked on two of the catchiest opening themes of all time! I thought it was just about a young boy taking revenge on a race of titans for the death of his mother. No one expected there to be a twisted, messed-up origin to the titan race where the main character is connected to everything! That’s all my messy thoughts coming out after witnessing the climax portion. As for the rest of you, Eren Yeager’s world is turned upside-down when the town he lived in is demolished by titans. As a result, the entire town is demolished and left for dead and Eren watched as his mother is eaten by a titan. Eren ends up joining the Survey Corps along with his friends Armin and Mikasa to take down titans and prevent another town to suffer the same fate as Eren’s home.

Going into this anime, I SERIOUSLY thought this was going to be a comedy. You would too if you were going off of all the memes that emerged in 2013. But this anime takes a sharp left turn when Eren discovers a horrifying secret involving his own body. After that, this lead to more unbelievable discoveries involving people we all initially thought was the supporting cast. And this is as cryptic as I can be without delving into severe spoilers. The only way to get my meaning is if you watch this series. It’s just…WOW!

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, FUNimation, Hulu, & Toonami Some seasons are available for home video

11. Kill la Kill (2013-2014)

A girl with a giant pair of scissors picking a fight with the main bitch at school, all the while wearing a sailor suit that talks to you! That is the balls-to-the-wall insanity Studio Trigger gives you in a show like this. Ryuko Matoi enrolls in Honnouji Academy in search of the person who murdered her father. There, she comes face-to-face with the potential murderer, Satsuki Kiryuin. Satsuki rules over Honnouji as she has a special uniform capable of giving her super-human strength. But what Satsuki doesn’t know is that Ryuko is about to get a special uniform to give her that as well. A talking sailor uniform named Senketsu helps Ryuko in her journey of finding her father’s murderer. Yeah, this series goes all-out with the special powers brought on by certain clothing. Then again, it’s Japan and fanservice is a must in at least 75% of animes! I mean, there are moments where Senketsu gets skimpier on Ryuko, not leaving much to the imagination. As absurdly off the wall this anime was, I enjoyed every frame of it and it’s easily one of Studio Trigger’s best works.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll & Netflix

10. Food Wars! Shokugeki no Soma (2015-2019)

You’d think with my picky-ass, I would have never watched an anime about cooking (and if my family is reading this, close this page now and play a wholesome game of shutting your gobs). But Food Wars never fails to increase my appetite. Yukihira Soma ends up in Japan’s most elite cooking school (with a 10% graduation rate) where he finds himself up against Japan’s and even the world’s greatest up and coming chefs. And every now and then, he ends up having to go up against one of these chefs in a cook-off known as a Shokugeki. If it wasn’t for the food orgasms, I would easily tell my cooking-show obsessed family members to watch this. I know no normal person would ever strip off all their clothes and have a raging orgasm when eating delicious food. But hey, it’s Japan! Gotta stick in fanservice somewhere! With inventive ways to spice up a regular dish, I may one day broaden my taste-buds into more exotic food-stuffs. Just, keep the peanut-butter squid away from me.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, HI-DIVE, Hulu, & Toonami Some seasons are available for home video

09. Your Lie in April (2014-2015)

Grab your tissues, children. We follow Kousei Arima as he regains his ability and passion for playing the piano with the thanks of new-found friend Kaori. What can I say about an anime that’s so beautifully animated with likeable characters and music to die for? OHHH…I shouldn’t have said that last thing! Yeah, the main character Kousei goes through quite a bit in his life dealing with the aftermath of his mother’s death and having to relive seeing someone he cares about die the same way. There’s just so much you wish would happen with these characters and watch as it’s dashed away during a Chopin piece. OHHH…I did it again! Well folks, if you’re into tear-bait and classical music, definitely watch Your Lie in April!

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, Hulu, & Netflix

08. The Promised Neverland (2019)

One of the newest entries with one of the most shocking first episodes in recent history! I know in the past decade we got a lot of first episode hookers like Attack on Titan, but if you came in this blind-folded, get ready for a trip. We follow orphan children Emma, Ray, and Norman as they plan to escape their home before they become food for hungry demons. In a weird way, this anime is almost like the 2000 film Chicken Run. I know I’m not the first person to think that up, but yeah, gotta say it here. This was one of my favorite animes of this year and I was hooked week by week with what was going to happen next. It got so intense that immediately after the series ended, I picked up the manga to find out what happens next. And let me tell you, it gets more insane after the events of episode 12. But one thing that always astounded me was watching all of these kids plot an escape so elaborate when all of them range from ages 6-12.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, FUNimation, & Hulu

07. Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid (2017)

What would you do if you opened the door one morning and found a dragon standing outside? Not just that but what would you do if you were living with more than one dragon and you now find yourself hanging around other dragons?! Kobayashi’s world changes for the better as she meets a dragon (named Tohru) that loves her so much that she would happily become her maid. And given the stigma for eons between humans and dragons, this series we see cute interactions with humans and dragons. Up to a point that it feels like all these characters are becoming family! There’s a dragon named Fafnir who finds humans horrible people, but ends up changing for the better when he finds himself hanging with a human that plays video games and creates manga. But I’m always so drawn to the relationship of Tohru and Kobayashi. Kobayashi was never really close to her family and when she moved away she mostly spends her nights drinking alone. But once Tohru and Kanna move in, it’s always a fun day with their cute shenanigans. It’s definitely brought Kobayashi out of her shell and gave her a family of dragons to live with.

And there’s this cute little dragon named Kanna! She’s so cute and adorable! Look at her nom at just everything she eats. She’s so adorable! Who’s a cute wittle dragon? Yes you are! Yes you are!

As a final note in this particular entry, I want to mention one particular member of the staff. Yasuhiro Takemoto! This man was the director for Miss Kobayashi, as well as many other animes from Kyoto Animation and I feel the need to thank this man for all the hard work he had done. I’m thankful for all of your work in the anime community and we miss you.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll & Funimation Available for home video

06. Pokemon XY (2013-2016)

It might be cheating a bit to put a Pokemon series on this list since they’ve been around since 1997. But it’s not a continuous shot like Detective Conan and One Piece, so I’m counting the XY arc for this list. Even though this series didn’t show me my favorite character and it gave me a shipping that’s worse than Herpes (with a cult for that ship that’s on par with MAGA), this was one of the best arcs to the Pokemon series. And I was excited for this series when it first came out because with the introduction of Mega Evolution, I was hoping for Ash to delve into that. While Ash wasn’t the one using Mega Evolutions, we did see him grow more through a synchronization method with Greninja that brought about so much in terms of battling. Just to name a few awesome moments with these two, he took down an iceburg pokemon, went toe-to-toe with a champion, and even made it all the way to the finals of the Pokemon League. Now did he win that league? That’s not important! What is important is that these were some of the best moments this series had to offer.

But it wasn’t just Ash we followed, but an anime-only character introduced named Alain as we followed his journey to becoming stronger through Mega Evolution. It felt risky following a different person for 5 or more episodes (without mentioning Ash), but it was all worth it when we came to the climax of the series when Team Flare came from the shadows. Listen guys, I know Pokemon has given some disappointing seasons before (especially the arc prior to XY), but if there’s any season you should watch, it’s definitely this one.

Also, Rica Matsumoto sings this one song called XYZ. I don’t know if you all have heard this song, but I think you should. It’s so bad ass and always pops up in some of Ash’s best battles in this series…in the Japanese version! I love it so much that I always feel the need to bring up XYZ whenever I talk about this arc.

Available to watch on: Disney XD, Hulu, & Pokemon TV Available for home video

05. Puella Magi Madoka Magica (2011)

I will always be a sucker for magical girl animes. Especially since Sailor Moon was the very first anime I watched fully! But Madoka Magica was…different and edgier. The premise is that a cute, white animal asks you to form a contract with it so you can become a magical girl. Magical girls defeat witches that cause havoc! Better read the fine-print on the contract ladies, because what the little rat doesn’t tell you is that you eventually become a witch yourself and will end up dying a horrible death, thus repeating the cycle. This anime would always leave me in a state of awe when watching it, whether it was the shocking deaths or the clever animation used when a witch emerges. But when you’ve got Shaft Studios animating this, expect some trippy moments. I think it’s because episode 3 was a big turning point that many of us were caught off guard by what happened and were scared of what happens next. Although thanks to Madoka, many other magical girl animes are following down the same path and trying to make it edgier. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I gotta say Madoka has definitely set the bar on edgy magical girl shows.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, FUNimation, & Hulu Available for home video

04. Violet Evergarden (2018)

Prior to this anime’s release, Kyoto Animation had a reputation for putting out anime that was geared to the “moe” genre. But with recent releases of A Silent Voice, Miss Kobayashi, and Violet Evergarden, their style has evolved into something I can’t describe in just one sentence. This anime is just beautiful to look at. The animation is just stunning, look at it. Now, I was a bit turned-off by the main character of this series, Violet. First of all, she literally looks like Saber from the Fate series and has arms that rival Ed Elric of FMA. Secondly, her almost robotic personality really turned me off. But it wasn’t until later in the series where we watch her interact with the people she was helping in each episode that made me truly appreciate what she’s doing.

Violet was once used as a tool for war and would always obey her commanding officer. But once the war was over, she found herself as an “Auto Memories Doll” where she’s writing letters people want to send to someone. Many of these episodes, we watch her see the world outside of the war and hell she was put through in her past. Her words were able to bring people together, heal two fighting nations, bring a family closer together, give closure to a grieving family member, and so much more. Add to that, this series gave out one of the most heart-breaking episodes I’ve ever watched in anime. It made me ugly-cry and that rarely happens! Not just me, but litereally everyone who ever watched this episode, but also Violet herself. This episode (that’s episode 10) was like the first time where she felt actual human emotions for anyone other than the person she once loved. This episode felt like a turning point in how I felt about Violet as well as the show in general.

I feel I have to say a little more on this entry. This anime is without a doubt, the most beautifully animated anime of this entire decade (despite what OTHERS have to say). And it couldn’t have gotten that way without the talented folks at Kyoto Animation. I can’t express enough how much I’m blown away by this series. Only now when I think about it, I get horribly depresssed due to the recent tragedy that struck KyoAni. Only now, do I appreciate all the hard work to put this masterpiece into action. And I wish it didn’t take me until a tragedy to watch this anime. But I’m glad I was able to watch Violet Evergarden. And I wish for you all to take the time to do the same!

Available to watch on: Netflix

03. Assassination Classroom (2015-2016)

Stand. Bow. Kill your sensei! Middle school students being trained by professional assassins to take down a yellow-tentacled monster (who is also their teacher)! These students must assassinate their teacher within one year, otherwise the world will blow up. Now I had my reservations watching a cast this big! I mean, we’re watching an entire 28-person class try to shoot their teacher. Thankfully, I didn’t grow to be annoyed by the concept like with Negima. I loved nearly all of the students and remembered many of them. One of the biggest drawing points with me is that, all of these students were seen as the ones to give up on. They were in the lowest-level class where school, family, and society have just given up on these children. Being in a much similar situation in middle school, I can relate. That’s why when I saw someone like Koro-sensei teach these kids so much more in the world of academics, it made me happy to see these kids have someone to look up to. Many of these episodes were fun to watch. Koro-sensei is a laugh-riot sometimes when the class has to do an activity together. Add to that, one of the hardest to watch goodbyes in recent history. For a good laugh and a good cry, Assassination Classroom is the way to go.

Available to watch on: FUNimation & Hulu Available for home video

02. Yuri on Ice!!! (2016)

AAAAAAHHHHHHH! *random screeching noises*

Why yes I love this series! It is so beautiful. I wish to see more of this in the future. I would like for Viktor to have Yuri’s babies. Don’t at me! I didn’t expect this series to give the female viewers an actual loving relationship between two of the main male characters. But halfway into the series, we get the kiss that cemented the deal. So besides the gay relationship, we’ve also got a beautiful soundtrack, animation that’s stunningly gorgeous, a story about an underdog working his way to receive a gold medal with the help of his hot, Russian coach…God, I just love this anime!

I’m a sucker for a root for the underdog story. And Yuri Katsuki definitely fits that description! Before Viktor came along, he was coming off of a humiliating defeat at a previous competition where he came in dead-last. But throughout the series, we watch Viktor mold Yuri into something audience members have overlooked in this boy. Viktor taught Yuri what love really is in more ways than one. But Yuri isn’t a total zero-to-hero in a span of 12 episodes, but at times he does come damn-near close. Every week, I’m amazed at how much Studio MAPPA put so much effort into this. While the quality did take a slight dip in some of the final episodes, so much has happened before that I’m willing to let that go. Watch Yuri attempt at making history with Yuri on Ice.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll & FUNimation Available for home video

Before I get to my anime of the decade, how about I quickly do my TOP 10 ANIME MOVIES OF THE DECADE? No commentary, just announcing them quickly.

10. The Last: Naruto the Movie (2014)

09. When Marnie Was There (2014)

08. Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms (2018)

07. Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods (2013)

06. Kizumonogatari (2016-2017)

05. The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya (2010)

04. Pokemon: I Choose You (2017)

03. Your Name (2016)

02. A Silent Voice (2016)

01. Wolf Children (2012)

CLOSE CALLS FOR THE LISTS: Black Lagoon – Roberta’s Blood Trail, Sailor Moon Crystal, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, Fate/Zero & Fate/stay night: UBW, Angel Beats, The Wind Rises, Parasyte, One Punch Man, Aggretsuko, Steins;Gate, Inu x Boku SS, and Dragon Ball Super.

And now, #1…oh, you should already know what it is by now. One of my favorite animes came back with the vengeance in 2019 that no other anime can touch it. Rightfully so! You know it, I know it, let’s get it over with! So say it with me now, three, two, one…

01. Fruits Basket: 1st Season (2019)

Thank you! Just…thank you! In a time where I hate reboots, this one was handled with the utmost care. What can I say about this anime that everyone else hasn’t said already? This anime is like warm soup on a cold day. The nice pick-me-up when you had a shitty day on the job! That beautiful rainbow you see after a rain shower!

Coming upon a family with a terrible secret, there’s much hesitation on who (if any) can be let in without being hurt. Tohru Honda accidentally learned of the Sohma family secret, where if one of them is hugged by someone of the opposite sex, they’re turned into an animal from the Chimese Zodiac. These people have had to live with this stigma their entire lives. Because of this, relationships are put in turmoil, obtaining friends was damn-near impossible, and everyone has to be on a constant state of worry in case their secret comes out. But Tohru loves and accepts everyone, no matter what. In many of these episodes, we see Tohru reach out to the members of the Sohma family to tell them that she sees the good in them and that they are loved. To reach out to the hurt, silent tiger, Kisa! To reach out to the mentally-scarred rat, Yuki! To reach out to the heart-broken dragon, Hatori! And to give a hug to Momiji…when his momma won’t!

All of these individual stories always gets to me! Even re-told, these stories have improved 100%! And in some cases like Ritsu’s story, done better than the original! I watched the original story God-knows how many times! But with the remake, I found myself re-watching random episodes in my off-time when I should be watching something else. I always have to go back to watching everything from this series. From the good and the sad! From the ultra-laughable moments, to the jaw-dropping moments! In a time where many of us yearn to be accepted for who we are, an anime like this feels absolutely necessary. I know it might be biased of me to pick something from this year and cheating a bit considering at the beginning of the decade I was heavily into the original series. Regardless, this is still my pick for Best Anime of the 2010’s.

Available to watch on: Crunchyroll, FUNimation, & Hulu

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mysideblogofsurveys · 4 years

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Survey 19

1. Do you wear accessories? Not really, just a thin hair tie on my wrist

2. Do you remember your childhood phone number? Address? Yes, my parents still have the same landline phone number and still live at the same address

3. Have you ever moved? If so, when/how many times? UGH SO MANY TIMES! We moved the first time in Aug 2012 (from the Midwest to Seattle WA), then May 2014 (Seattle to Florida), then June 2019 (West Coast of FL to East Coast of FL) and we’ll be moving a FOURTH TIME sometime in Oct 2020 - not sure exactly when but we are for sure (back to the West Coast of FL).

4. Do you wear deodorant every day? I don’t >< I don’t trust the chemicals (aluminum) in deodorant so I just wash my pits every day and they’re fine.

5. What was the last thing you bonded with someone over? Umm, I can really only think of bonding with my husband over our shared interests

6. What are your plans for the upcoming weekend? UGH well we had the “Cat 1 Hurricane” that thankfully turned to a Tropical Storm - so we just stayed home and played video games and watched UFC. Its actually supposed to pass through us today and so far, its just windy and rainy. Nothing too bad.

7. What TV shows are you watching? I’m kind of between shows right now. Just finishing Jason Mesnick’s season of the Bachelor on Netflix currently but not sure what I’ll put on after that.

8. What is your favorite music genre? I love so many - mostly Rock/Metal, Anime/Japanese songs and 80s. I was heavily into Kpop for about 5 years but I’ve recently stopped paying so close attention. I still like it but definitely don’t follow it as closely as I did before.

9. What is something you’re super into right now? Honestly, nothing in particular. I need to find some type of hobby. I want to start journaling or a journal of games I play (with screen shots) or something. but I never have the patience to sit a do stuff like that. However, I always want to play games like Stardew Valley (its always on my mind. I just love that game so much).

10. Do you have a celebrity crush? Ok, I have a few haha: - Henry Cavill (Have you SEEN him build a computer? Or his role in the Witcher?? *heart eyes*) - Tom Hardy (I really liked him in Mad Max and Venom) - Do Kyungsoo and Park Chanyeol from EXO (Korean boy band) - I melt every time I hear their voices.

11. Do you have a goal you’re trying to accomplish? Yes but I can never decide what I want to spend my time on so I end up just wasting time. Like this morning for instance - I get up at 8am, briefly scroll through social media/watched the Bachelor with WIP of a Stardew Valley fic open on my laptop but now its 10:30am and I added maybe 15 words to the fic...WHERE did the last 2 hours go?? I have all of these ideas but for some reason, I have the hardest time sitting down and typing it all out..and procrastinate and do this survey instead ><

12. What was your last dream? Did you tell anyone about it? I had a dream of a Stardew Valley one-shot (which is what I was trying to write this morning) but of course, didn’t get it written out. I usually tell my husband about them

13. Do you like workouts where you count reps or by 30 seconds? I’ll take either. I like working out

14. Whats your favorite thing to do on a Sunny day? What about a Rainy day? On a Sunny day, I like going for walks with my Husband and playing Pokemon Go. On rainy days, I like sitting and studying something (like a language) or even playing games.

15. Do you have a "Rainy Day fund"? No, but I just push most of my income (whatever is left over after paying bills/buying the necessities) into my savings account.

16. Do you "RBF" (resting bitch face)? Not really? But I get told I look “angry” sometimes? I hate that I have that expression but I know I frown when I’m in deep thought ><

17. If your house was one fire, what is the first thing you would grab? As long as my Husband was safe, my second thought would be my computers and external hard drive.

18. What is your favorite feature about yourself? Worst feature? I like my eyes and smile, my worst feature..well I guess it’d be my social anxiety ><

19. What is your “must get” from the grocery store? (What item is always on your list?) Lately its been watermelon, a great snack. 20. Do you have a favorite show or song you put on every time you’re sad? Not particularly. I have a playlist of songs that I put on when I’m in that mood but no specific song or show 21. What is your favorite holiday? I like Thanksgiving and New Years Eve/Day 22. What is your dream occupation? UGH I wish I knew. I’m in the financial field right now and I don’t really like it but its not too bad. I know I don’t belong in this field but I don’t have experience in anything else to fall back on so I guess I’ll continue with it (plus I’m in my early 30s, I don’t want to have to start ALL OVER again since we’re finally close to getting a house and finally starting a family). 23. Do you like dressing up? Eh, not really. I like casual, comfy clothes 24. Ever been on a cruise? Bungee jumping? I’ve been on several cruises (they’re a lot of fun!) but I have not bungee jumped..not sure if I’m brave enough for that. 25. Have you ever been on a date? What has been your favorite date? I have been on quite a few dates! My favorite one was going to a rock show for our 3 month anniversary (WAY back in May 2010) with my husband (well, he was just my boyfriend at the time :) ) 26. Have you ever been through a Hurricane? Tornado? Earthquake? Well, Hurricane Irma in 2017 and Hurricane Dorian in 2019...lets hope we don’t have anymore this year >< I have not been through a Tornado or Earthquake. 27. Are you the adventurous type? I’d say so? I don’t know many people who would move as much as we have 28. Do you live close to your family? No :/ all of my family (and in-laws) live in the Midwest. Well, aside from my Mother/Father-in-law. They are snowbirds and have a house on the West Coast of FL and we’re moving back to be closer to them in a couple months. 29. Are you creative? Is there anything creative you’re working on right now? I WANT to be creative but I have a hard time sitting down and getting something done. I have half-written about 20 fanfiction pieces (for several fandoms) since 2017 but I haven’t completed any of them. 30. Do you have a morning routine? Nightly routine? - Morning routine on the week day: Get up, start coffee, take a shower, scroll through social media/watch a show before getting ready for work - Morning routine on the weekend: Get up, start coffee, wash my face, watch a show/play a video game/scroll through social media until my Husband wakes up Nightly routine on the week day: Get my lunch ready the night before, brush/floss, read at least 10-20 min then go to sleep by 11pm to get up at 6:15am Nightly routine on the weekend: Brush my teeth and go to bed lol

#survey #surveys #questionnaire #about me

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harryandmolly · 5 years

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Change of Pace - 4 (Summer 2019)

cowritten by @achinglyshawn

summary: Shawn and Maya meet again 10 years after life got in the way of love

warnings: language

wc: 10.9k

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“I missed you.”

“You did?” His teeth dig into his lip.

“Always. Every day.”

“Then why didn’t you come sooner?”

She closes her eyes. Takes a breath. Her fingers dig into her thighs.

“Maya?”

Her name feels heavy on his tongue.

She’s still. Fingers gripping her thighs.

“Maya? Please?”

He blinks.

He’s alone.

He tells Cheri about Maya. There’s no one in Starbucks, so the barista takes a break and sits at his table in the window with him so he can lament about his long lost love.

He also gets Maya’s number from her. Apparently, they take the same yoga class and have had lunch together a couple of times.

She tells him to suck it up, just text her.

He waits a few days, then thinks of an excuse.

‘Hey Lu, it’s Shawn. Dunno if someone’s told you, but they still do that bonfire night on the beach every Wednesday. Still a pretty awesome time, if you’re looking for something to do tomorrow night. You should come check it out.’

She doesn’t answer. He tries not to be disappointed.

+++

Rationally, he knew Maya wasn’t going to show at the beach last Wednesday night, but a part of him had hoped, anyway. He ended up glued to his phone, waiting for an “I’m here!” text all night instead of actually being in the moment, having fun.

So he tries not to think about it this week, because he’s starting to hate himself for still vying for her attention. She clearly doesn’t want to give it to him. She didn’t know she was going to be vacationing in Shawn’s hometown when she picked Avila. So he’s a blight on her relaxing summer, a reminder of a time she probably doesn’t let herself think about because it’s ancient fucking history.

He didn’t expect things to be any different. He never imagined a romantic reunion when he let himself, on the rare occasion, think about running into her again.

He doesn’t know why he feels so disappointed.

(Except he does. Because he’s a hopeless romantic, even when he tries so hard not to be.)

He goes to the beach with his guitar, a case of beer, and s’mores supplies. Geoff has tequila and a bag of limes, plus a handful of joints, both for when the kids go home.

They claim a cluster of beach chairs near the fire, and settle in with a couple of beers as they wait for more of their friends to show up.

Shawn doesn’t look for Maya. He forces himself to focus on Geoff and the way he slices limes in the palm of his calloused hand.

Armed with a handle of the most expensive rum she could find in 15 miles, Maya swaggers toward the beach like Captain Jack Sparrow. (Because maybe she had a little sip already to get herself out the door to come to this thing.)

Wednesdays are a sacred night in Avila. It’s not a very religious community, so in lieu of celebrating god in church on Sundays, they plant themselves by the ocean with snacks and booze and weed and give thanks to the community their own way.

She and Shawn used to spend most Wednesdays together at the Avila beach bonfire nights. That probably had something to do with her reticence to attend. That and their still somewhat unresolved tension after the drunken kiss in his shop a couple weeks ago.

But tonight, after an afternoon in the surf followed by a joint in the bathtub, with her hair kissed by salt and her skin warm and tan again after so many years, Maya heads out, knowing full well Shawn is probably there and she will have to face him.

She takes another little swig of the bottle before she descends to the beach.

The waves lap at the shore a little fiercer than they were just a half hour ago, and Shawn wonders if his chair is far enough back to avoid a rising tide. He doesn’t move, though, just sips his beer and continues to watch the sunset.

He’s trying not to stare at the boardwalk. Trying not to get his hopes up for something he knows he should really be forgetting. So he watches the waves, sips his beer, and digs his toes into the white sand beneath his feet.

As Maya crests the dunes, she surveys the scene below on the beach. It’s not straight debauchery yet, the way she’s seen it after 10pm when all the kiddies are safely tucked away.

It’s clean family fun still. She stows the rum in her tote and clears her throat, trying not to look for him.

Instead, she spots some women from the yoga studio she’s been frequenting since she got into town. They’re sitting around the fire in lawn chairs with wine spritzers. It makes Maya giggle. As she trudges down the sandy hill, her eyes betray her and search for him as subtly as she can manage.

There he is. He’s in a lawn chair closer to the water and not looking at her. From this angle, she can see the way the cut of his jaw is lit up by firelight. There was a time once when she’d take off at a run and drop into his lap in front of everyone with a squeal and a probably inappropriate kiss.

It was a long time ago.

Instead, she makes a beeline for the yoga ladies, who greet her eagerly, already three sheets to the wind.

The night air is cool, but the bonfire is egregiously warm, so he shrugs his shirt off after finishing his beer. Geoff howls from across the fire, but he’s shirtless too, so Shawn flicks him off.

“S’mores?” he shouts to his roommate, who nods, then spreads the news to the people around him.

Shawn pulls the skewers out before popping open the extra-large family sized bag of marshmallows. He skewers a few, handing them off to people as they approach.

Geoff takes his at last, and Shawn’s free to make one for himself. He stands near the fire next to G and flips his marshmallow over every ten seconds, just like Maya used to.

His marshmallow catches fire once or twice, but he likes them burnt, so it’s okay. He and Geoff go for the rest of the s’mores supplies at the same time. Geoff hands him a graham cracker while Shawn snaps off four pieces of chocolate for them each.

They bite into their sweet sandwiches at the same time, both getting crumbs all over their laps. Marshmallow clings to his lips as he pulls the s’more away from his mouth. The strings of fluff eventually snap and recoil onto his chin.

“Napkins, dude,” he says as he sucks stray chocolate from his thumb. “You need one?”

Geoff crunches on graham cracker and nods, pointing to his chocolate stained mouth. “Mmph, ya,” he confirms, then takes another bite.

Shawn laughs and goes for the snack table, where napkins, plates, and cups also rest. He’s too busy thinking about the next s’more he’s gonna make to stop himself from scanning the crowd, and that’s when he sees her.

Maya sits on the opposite side of the fire, settling into a chair in the circle of yogies. He jerks his head away when he realizes he’s been staring for a moment too long. He makes his way back to Geoff.

Shawn chucks the napkin at his roommate, then goes back to his chair that, luckily, isn’t facing the woman he’s addicted to staring at. He stares at the ocean instead, and forgets all about that second s’more while he wonders if she saw him when she arrived. And if she did, why she didn’t even bother to say hi.

Maya’s doing the thing.

She’s doing the thing she used to do in middle or high school when a boy she liked didn’t fall all over her when she walked into a room. She’s doing the “I’m having so much fun over here with my friends without you, ha ha ha!” thing.

She sucks down the rest of her Solo cup full of water and takes a wine spritzer when it’s offered to her.

She knows he’s seen her now as he gets up and goes for a shirtless jog to the snack table. Her entire circle of ladies go silent and slack-jawed when he passes. She just averts her eyes and laughs to her friend who didn’t even say anything.

This is stupid, she decides after the wine spritzer has come and gone. She has to just go talk to him. They’re practically neighbors in this tiny beach down and yeah, he doesn’t know yet that she’s not actually leaving at the end of the summer but…

She’s heading over anyway. She leaves mid yogi convo and strolls over with her empty cup. She stands by him and chews on her lip.

“Hey mister, can I have a s’more?”

Her voice is clear, cuts sharply through the sounds of the water rushing against the sand and the gulls, screeching along the horizon. A shiver runs down his spine, and he has to resist the urge to visibly shake with it.

“I think ‘a s’more’ is grammatically incorrect,” he deadpans, but when he looks at her his heart leaps into his throat, and he has to smile. “But I wouldn’t know what’s actually correct, so. Sure.”

He can’t believe he was pouting because she wasn’t going to say hi to him. He feels like he’s back in middle school, when liking the prettiest girl in the grade is a given, but also totally taboo because like, ew. Girls. It’s stupid. She makes him fucking stupid.

She watches him closely, trying to determine how he feels about her trotting up to him and asking for food after how their last two meetings went. He doesn’t seem put off. In fact, he seems a little shyly happy to see her. It’s… nice.

He stands and brushes his hands on his swim shorts, then leads the way to the s’mores. He skewers two marshmallows on a stick for her, because he remembers everything, like how she takes her s’mores. Two marshmallows, three chocolate bits, and half a graham cracker because they’re better “open-faced”.

He hopes it hasn’t changed, that someone else hasn’t come along and shown her a better way of eating s’mores. He likes her way.

Before she can ask for additional mallow, he skewers one more for her automatically like he never forgot, like they never skipped a beat. She stands there a little dumbfounded, staring at him as he preps her food.

She almost says it, almost says “you remember”.... but she knows where that got them last time. She holds her breath instead.

He hands her the skewer, then takes his own to the fire, hoping she’ll follow without any prompting.

She goes with him to the fire in silence, trying not to check him out as he walks ahead of her. It’s hard, because he’s him and he’s sculpted from marble.

“So… uhm… do you come here often?”

Oh my god.

“Um, I don’t know, are you a 50 year old divorcee or are you just really bad at small talk?” he says with a laugh and a glance in her direction. She’s funny even when she doesn’t mean to be, which is disgustingly cute, just like it’s always been.

He’s trying not to resent her for it. (Or fall in love with her because of it.)

His laughter subsides and he mashes his lips together, suddenly worried that was maybe a little mean, given their previous interaction. He always used to tease her like that, they’d tease each other. But now—

Now, everything is different.

“Sorry,” he murmurs with a ghost of an apologetic smile tugging his lips.

Shawn seems to fall in to teasing her, treating her like he always used to. She feels warmed by it, feeling like between his attention and the fire she might just combust.

He begs off, though, like he remembers that they’re not what they used to be. She blinks and nods.

“It’s ok. I know I have no game at all,” she sighs, timing her marshmallow carefully as she rotates it onto its side.

He’s pretty sure her total lack of game is part of what makes her so charming, and it’s definitely something he’s into. He always has been.

He watches her roast her marshmallow for a moment, then remembers she actually asked a question.

He clears his throat, looks back at the fire.

”I do, though. Come here often, I mean. It’s a fun time, and a cool way to connect with people. There’s, you know, music and dancing. Plus plenty of booze and drugs.”

Maya knows about beach Wednesdays, but he’s telling her this shit anyway. He’s not sure why.

She can imagine him getting into his rhythm here, showing up with Geoff, kicking around a ball, rolling the joints she remembers he was known for in college, maybe taking home a yogi every once in a while.

With a furtive glance back at her group, she scans them, wondering which, if any, Shawn’s fucked. She blinks hard and looks back at the fire.

He laughs again, but it’s stilted this time. “I sound like the mayor or something. Trying to sway you on Avila so you’ll stay for good.”

Please, stay here for good.

He shouldn’t let himself think like that. He shouldn’t let himself care again, even though he wants to. So he just laughs.

And then he mentions her leaving. She licks her lips and shifts on her feet, cursing herself for her enormously stupid lie. Because he’s going to fucking notice when she doesn’t leave at the end of summer.

She chuckles falsely and pulls her marshmallow from the fire to prepare her s’more. “I like it here, too.”

Shawn follows her lead, pulls his sticky marshmallow from his skewer and goes for the pieces of graham cracker and broken chocolate left on the snack table. He hands Maya a graham cracker with a gentle smile, watching as she picks the marshmallow from her sticky fingers.

“It’s definitely not a bad place to settle,” he says as he smushes his marshmallow between the crackers and chocolate. He takes a bite and only demolishes half of it, doesn’t go for swallowing the whole thing in one go because it’s kind of gross and he doesn’t think he and Maya are in a place where he can be disgusting in front of her, again.

As he wipes to corner of his mouth with a napkin, he wonders if she’ll notice him holding back.

Shawn sprays his chest with graham cracker crumbs as he takes an enormous bite of his s’more. Maya giggles like they’re in high school. She feels the gap between them now in an intangible way, like they’re not entirely themselves right now, but a cleaned-up, tucked-away version.

Maya fidgets, deciding whether or not she should leave the gap be, let it take the place of what they were to each other, or if she should fight it. Fight to love him again, fight to be there for each other.

He jerks his head towards the pair of beach chairs that Geoff has recently abandoned in favor of flirting with the yogis, says, “You wanna watch the water with me? Or look for constellations?”

He hopes to sound casual and not completely desperate. He’s trying so hard to play it cool, cooler than he did the other night when he kissed her and made her cry and then she ran away, again.

He really doesn’t want her to run away from him a third time.

Shawn’s voice startles her as she chews. Maybe this time she’ll let him make his mind up for them.

She follows him to the set of chairs he’s nodding at and drops into one, taking another bite and giggling at the stickiness. She hasn’t had a s’more since… probably that summer with him here in Avila.

Maya’s drawn to the water. She watches it rush in and pull away and she feels like she understands it. Maybe it has a million reasons not to stay onshore. Maybe the ocean is torn too.

She looks over at Shawn and leans back, looking at him in a way she hasn’t really let herself since she got here.

Maya doesn’t say anything and it’s only a little unnerving. There used to be a time when he knew exactly what she was thinking, no matter how quiet she was, no matter how few words they actually exchanged. They communicated with a look, with touch, with a carefully timed catch of breath.

It’s nothing like that, now. Now, he has no idea what she’s thinking, why she’s not saying anything, or what she might want. He doesn’t know what she expects of him. He hates it. He feels untethered around her, even though she once was his anchor, his fucking rock.

The anchor tattooed on the front of his right hip aches, and he decides to never tell her he got it for her.

He drops down next to her, pushing his feet deep into the sand as he stretches his legs out and leans back into his chair. He finishes his s’more in a big second bite, then has to resist the urge to watch Maya finish hers.

The waves draw closer to their chairs, but he doesn’t move. They used to always do this, plant their chairs too close to the shore and let the water wash over their feet. They used to play pictionary in the smoothed sand, either with their toes or a stick, if they could find one.

Shawn glances at her briefly, a millisecond at most, and is satisfied to see her gazing out at the horizon, totally distracted from him. He looks back down and tries to think of something to say. It’s not a problem he used to ever have with her. There were always a million things he wanted to tell her, a million things he could think to share, a million secrets he wanted to tuck into her hair as they fell asleep curled together.

There’re still are a million things to say. But he’s too scared to try any of them.

“Beer?” is all he can come up with, because it’s safest and he thinks he definitely needs to be drunk to get through this.

Maya is too deep in her own head when she hears his voice again. She looks up from the sea and sees him looking eager for something to do.

She swallows; her mouth is dry. “Actually…”

She trails off and glances around. Her tote bag is back by the yogis. She dashes off to get it and comes back, lifting the handle of rum out by its neck.

He watches her run away and tries not to stare at her ass. She has such a great ass, though. Which he definitely shouldn’t be thinking about. He tries to think about anything else, anything that doesn’t remind him of how well he once knew her body, and how well she let him love it.

He watches the sand kick up around her feet instead as she comes running back towards him.

“I brought something stronger. If you’re interested.”

She twists off the cap and takes a swig, dropping into her seat.

He blinks up at her, lips pressing together as he contemplates the rum. He was thinking tequila shots with Geoff, but rum with Maya sounds like a much better idea. He watches her drink, watches her throat move as she swallows and tries not to think about how badly he’d like to taste her there again and leave a mark or two like he used to.

He pulls his gaze from her, directs it back at the ocean and tries to shake the thought.

As Maya swallows a second sip of rum, she looks him over again.

“Some of those tattoos are new,” she comments, trying not to sound too hungry, like she’s been staring at him.

“Oh,” his gaze drops to his own torso, to the intricate black lines of ink that adorn his skin, “uh, yeah, all of these chest pieces are new for you, I guess.”

He looks up at her and tries not to blush under her gaze. The rum taunts him from her fingers, so he plucks the bottle away and takes his own sip.

Maya leans in, looking closely. She struggles to focus on the artistry above instead of the masterpiece below it because she doesn’t want to salivate all over him. She lifts a hand and almost reaches out to trace the waving tips of the thistle outlined on his abdomen but manages to stop herself and clear her throat to make way for more rum.

“Mm.” Shawn pulls the bottle from his lips and swallows. “This one, too,” he says as he twists his left forearm around to show her the black-line tattoo of the little prince being carried away by a flock of birds that sits just beneath his elbow.

She takes the rum back and takes a hearty sip, blinking away the haze. She looks in at the tattoo he’s gesturing to on his inner forearm and smiles.

“Le Petit Prince,” she recites with a wistful smile, “You used to keep a copy of it by your bed in all your apartments.”

She tilts her head back against the chair. She’s not sure why she said that. Why did she say that?

The rum passes between them again while Maya looks like she’s caught up in a memory of which she’s particularly fond. A memory of him. His pulse beats loudly in his ears and he wonders if she’s thinking of all the times he read the book to her in french as they soaked in the bath together. He swallows and looks back at the ocean, twirling the bottle between his fingers so the liquor sloshes around in a sloppy vortex.

“Yeah,” he finally answers, looking back at her, “that was a little pretentious, wasn’t it?”

He blinks, looks down at his arm.

“Is this tattoo pretentious? Do I need to get it turned into something that makes me look less of an asshole?”

He looks over at her, and he’s not really worried about looking like a pretentious dick. He just wants to make her laugh. Or for her to tell him how much she actually loves his tattoo. He’s really not above fishing for a compliment from her. He’s always basked in her praise, whenever he’s managed to get it.

Maya watches him crawl inside his own head like he’s always been prone to do. She used to get to crawl in after him and pull him back out again with a few quiet love words and some kisses to go with them. She doesn’t have her old tools available to her now so she has to improvise.

With a deep breath, she leans across the space between them and traces the lines of the balloons with her fingertip.

“It’s not pretentious if it’s honest. And this is honest,” she hums, remembering how much he loves that little book, how his whispered broken French used to set her skin on fire when they were under water.

He holds his breath as her delicate fingers brush across his skin. She’s casual about it, like it’s no big deal and she’s totally not setting his entire body on fire. He has to fight the urge to jerk away.

She eyes the large tiger tattoo curling around his ribs and hip and raises her eyebrow. “That one’s questionable though.”

She notes the way it disappears under his bathing suit and licks her lips, taking the bottle back from him for a drink. “Please tell me the tail doesn’t wrap around your dick.”

He lifts his arm as she nods to his side, looking down at the tiger that he can’t completely see unless he’s looking in a mirror. His brow furrows, lips pursing.

“I’m not that much of an asshole,” he says, trying to ignore how hearing her say the word ‘dick’ does something funny to his. “I also don’t think I’m tough enough for that. Sounds very not fun.”

Maya didn’t actually think for a moment that Shawn had actually been stupid enough to get his dick inked but she’s glad for the reassurance. He has the most beautiful dick from what she can remember. And she remembers it well.

He drops his fingers to his ribs and traces the lines of the tiger he’s always been pretty proud of. It was actually inspired but one of Maya’s drawings, a quick little character study she did when she was going through an animal phase in the beginning of senior year. He guesses she doesn’t remember that.

She watches his thick, nimble fingers trace his ribs over the intricate lines of his tattoo. She wonders how long it took, how long he laid there alone under the needle, thinking, getting lost in his head like he does.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks, looking back at her and dropping his arm. “He protects me from danger and shit.”

He grins, takes another sip of rum, then pushes the bottle into the sand at their feet.

“Nothing,” she coughs, eyes running over where the tiger disappears into his shorts, “He’s beautiful. I’m glad he’s there to protect you.”

When I wasn’t.

She glances down at the bottle, then leaves it where it is. She uncrosses her legs and settles in, thinking.

“I never got any of the tattoos I planned.”

She sounds… resigned. Like she’s destined to live a tattooless life and that’s just that. He frowns, watches her watch the ocean before them.

“Why not?” he hears himself asking, even though he thinks the answer might be personal. He remembers her notebook of tattoo ideas, remembers how she would say she was saving up so she could get them done completely, perfectly right.

He was supposed to go with her to get the first. Hold her hand if she needed it.

And then she left.

He doesn’t want to let himself think that he’s the reason she never got any. It’s more likely that she was too busy or it’s inappropriate for her line of work.

He’s trying not to assume everything in her life has some symbolic connection to him, because that’s stupid and narcissistic. He reaches for the bottle of rum to help him ignore the idea.

Maya hasn’t put much thought into why she never got the tattoos she wanted, just like she hasn’t thought about why she hasn’t been in a real relationship since Shawn. That’s the problem, though — she let her life sprint past her while she sat at a desk and worked herself to the bone.

She chews on her lower lip and wonders — is there a part of her that didn’t want the tattoos if Shawn couldn’t enjoy them with her? She doesn’t like to think that. She doesn’t like to think she can’t be herself without him.

But she hasn’t been herself in years.

She doesn’t answer his question and he suddenly feels like he crossed a line. His fingers tighten slightly around the bottle between them as he looks back to the horizon. He won’t push if she won’t answer.

He doesn’t want her to run again.

Maya looks over. He’s got the bottle in his big, beautiful hands again, held by the swallow tattoo she used to kiss when she said goodbye to him and trace with her tongue on lazy Sunday mornings.

“I want a tattoo,” she murmurs.

Her voice is so soft he almost doesn’t hear her. When he registers she’s spoken, his head turns, his brows raise. She wants a tattoo. Now?

“Now? Like— tomorrow? Or right this second?”

He wonders what she wants. When they were together, she was really into getting this elegant, simple line tattoo of an easel, like the proper kind she used in the art studio. He loved it then. It was so Maya.

Shawn doesn’t know if it’s still her. People change. He wouldn’t care though, truthfully. He’s beginning to realize he’ll be in love with Maya Lu for the rest of his life, no matter who she chooses to be. He tried to not love her once. He only ended up loving her more, and having to work that much harder to pretend he didn’t.

Even when he hates her, he loves her. The emotional dissonance is sickening sometimes.

So she’ll get an easel or a surfboard or a really hideous chest piece that says MOM and it won’t matter. He’ll still be as miserably fucked for her then as he is now.

She wasn’t really that sure until he said it out loud.

“Yeah,” she gasps, “Yeah no, now. I want it now. Do you have a place you like? Is it open?”

She must look a little frantic. She knows she used to go off on whims like this when they were together in their early 20s, but maybe he’s not used to that anymore. She doesn’t want to freak him out.

But she wants him with her for this. This is big.

“Please,” she murmurs, lifting her gaze to his, “Please, I want to do this now. With you.”

He hurled back to college by the desperate look in her eye. He’s nodding before he can really think. Of course. He’ll do anything she wants. He’s had enough rum for that to be easy, for his heart to be plucked out of his chest and slapped on his sleeve. It beats loudly in his ears and he wonders if she can hear it, too.

“Okay,” he says, “Yeah, now. Let’s go now,” he says, already pulling on his shirt and finding his shoes.

With me, with me, with me.

“I-- yeah, my friend Jessica, she’s-- yeah, she’s the best, she did my whole torso. She’s always open til midnight, too,” he pushes himself up and holds his hand out for her.

“C’mon, Lu. It’s now or never,” he urges with a grin, even though he knows that’s not true. But it feels true, because he knows it’ll never be like this again. This is his shot. His perfect shot at one night where he can pretend they’re them again. Where he can embrace the fact that it feels as though no time has passed, even with everything that’s different, because she still looks at him the same way and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend she doesn’t.

And just like that, it’s 2007 again and they’re them, running against the wind.

Maya stands. Her heart is thrumming hard with the adrenaline rush. It’s a high she barely remembers -- she chased it with him all the time when they were together. Without him, any attempt was dulled, lacking.

So she takes the hit of him now as he offers it to her. She’ll worry about the addictive consequences later. She needs this. She deserves this.

She takes the hand he offers her and looks up at him, a little desperate, a little wild.

“Don’t let me run away from this, even if I try.”

She hopes it sounds like she’s talking about the tattoo.

She holds his hand easily, and his thumb runs along her knuckles, just like it always does.

He shakes his head and tugs her gently as he leads her towards the boardwalk. “No way, kiddo, I’ll strap you down if I have to.”

He’s gone enough to not care about the looks the locals give them as they walk away from the party before it’s really gotten started. He’s gone enough not to think about how creepy telling his ex-girlfriend he’s gonna “strap her down” is. Tonight he’s in college again, and in college he joked like that with Maya all the time.

He doesn’t like pretending around her. And he’s fucking sick of hiding. He’s sick of feeling like a stranger in his own town. Maya makes him finally feel at home. He wants to chase that feeling.

The tattoo studio is luckily not that far down the boardwalk, because neither of them is in the shape to drive. It also means they don’t have a good excuse to stop holding hands, so they continue until he’s hooking a left into a little shop with a bell over the door.

Once inside, surrounded by photos of beautiful tattoos over the years Jessica has displayed, it feels a little more real. She’s not backing down, though. This is too important.

“Just a minute!” Jessica calls from the back when the bell over the door chimes, signaling their arrival.

“S’just me, Jessie,” Shawn calls, pulling Maya into the shop behind him. “I brought a friend, though!”

“I love new friends,” Jessica laughs as she bounces out of the back room.

He gives Maya a little smile as he releases her fingers, then wraps his arms around Jessica, pressing a quick kiss to her hair as she pats him on the back five times, like always. They separate and Shawn steps back, curling an arm around Maya and guiding her forward.

Maya tugs at her fingers while Shawn greets Jessica. She fixates on a photo of a piece that takes up a woman’s entire back -- it’s a scene from Avila Beach. It’s enchanting.

“Jessica, this is Maya, the first timer. Maya, Jessica. The tattoo master.”

Shawn’s arm around her waist gets her attention. Automatically, she rests her hand on his forearm and grins, reaching out for Jessica’s hand.

“Hi. Yeah. First timer. Kinda nervous.”

Jessica takes Maya’s hand with a wide smile splitting her lips.

“Maya,” she says, like the name means something to her, “So nice to meet you!”

Jessie throws Shawn a furtive, yet pointed glance, and he knows he’s been caught. The thing is, he likes to vent when he gets ink. It’s a good distraction from the pain. Tattoo artists are definitely part time therapists, but better, because Shawn doesn’t ever want to tell his actual therapist about Maya.

Not yet, anyway.

Jessie’s easy to talk to, and everything about Maya came out pretty easily when she was doing the anchor on his hip and asked him if it had a special meaning or anything. With each new tattoo came more and more honesty, about Maya, about Leah and his divorce, about everything.

He’s pulled from his thoughts when Jess extracts Maya from his side and pulls her towards the little consulting area next to the counter.

“Don’t be nervous,” Jess starts as she sits Maya down, then settles next to her. “They say I’m the gentlest you can get for a first time.”

Jessica seems really delighted to meet Maya and it’s fishy. It’s more than just the enthusiasm of gaining a client, it’s more than that, like maybe Shawn got loose-lipped in the chair while she was inking him. Maya goes red, wondering what her told her.

Jessica guides her to the counter and Maya struggles to focus -- is she doing this? Is she really about to do this?

“Maya’s an artist,” he pipes up, because he feels like a fish on land, flopping behind them in the middle of the shop. “She already has plenty of awesome ideas for a piece.”

When Maya looks back at Shawn, she smiles gratefully and feels a little more secure. Shawn would never let her get hurt. Never.

She clears her throat. “Um, yeah, I was thinking an easel? Really simple, clean lines, on my wrist. Do you have a pad and a pen? I can draw it out.”

She looks back at Shawn and waves him over because he’s looking a little lost.

An easel. Still. He loves that. He always wanted to see the little easel she used to doodle on literally everything inked across her skin. It’ll be all too fitting for her first tattoo.

Jessie goes for a pen and pad of paper as Shawn smiles down at Maya. She looks nervous, like maybe she might get up and run away if he doesn’t stand in front of the door. But the door is so far, and he kind of wants to be as close to her as possible.

Shawn makes his move to sit on the other side of Maya as Jess comes back and slides the pen and paper onto his-- onto Maya’s lap.

“Have at it,” the tattoo artist encourages with a smile before she gets up and fumbles around for papers and what have you behind the counter. She looks back at them for a moment, says, “After you do that, I can do pricing and then we’ll have to talk about the process and aftercare.”

Maya sits at the stool and does her best to block Shawn and Jessica out altogether as she draws. It’s a simple piece, she’s doodled it hundreds of times, but this one’s on her body. She grins at the final product and hands it to Jessica.

Once pricing is set and they’ve gone over details, Maya reaches back for Shawn’s hand and tugs him along to the chair. She sits and looks up at him, trying to hide her panic.

“So your first tattoo, the guitar,” she begins, hearing her voice shake, “It didn’t hurt that much, right?”

Shawn curls his foot around the rolling stool in the middle of the room and pulls it over to Maya’s side as she lies in the chair. He wets his lips, presses them together as he squeezes her hand and sits next to her.

“Nah,” he says, because that’s the truth. Comparatively, his guitar was no big deal. Nothing was worse than the tiger.

Objectively, however, the guitar still kind of sucked.

“It wasn’t, like, a walk in the park either, though,” he murmurs, running the pad of his thumb along the inside of her wrist.

Shawn settles in next to her like a boyfriend and Maya is not complaining. She stares up at him while he talks and feels a little like a kindergartener listening to a big kid explain the rules of the playground. His thumb is calloused and rough against the thin skin of her wrist. She shivers.

Shawn smiles down at her, trying for reassuring. “But you’re fuckin’ tough. You know that.”

Maya smiles. She was tough for a time. Maybe the last 12 years made her a different kind of tough. She doesn’t often feel tough anymore. It’s nice to be reminded she has the capacity.

He rests his elbow on the edge of her chair and lifts their intertwined hands, bringing her fingers to his lips, dusting the tips of her fingers with gentle kisses. He doesn’t think too hard about it, just lets himself do it.

“And anyway, I’m right here.”

Jessica stencils out the easel on her wrist exactly as she wants it. Maya gives her the go ahead to continue. With a smile, Jessica starts the tattoo gun and gently begins the piece.

Maya’s abdomen tenses and she doesn’t know if it’s from the sudden sensation in her wrist or Shawn’s lips on her fingers. She gazes up at him again like they’re alone in the room and watches as he kisses each fingertip like they’re his to kiss.

“Ok yeah,” she pants a little against the pain, “Yeah, it hurts a little.”

He doesn’t mean to laugh, but she’s fucking cute. He bets it hurts more than just a little, but she’s always been good at putting on a brave face. His teeth sink into his lower lip as his laughter subsides and he gives her hand a careful squeeze.

Maya wrinkles her nose at him. But he’s laughing at her, so her whole body is covered in goosebumps.

“S’gonna get worse before it gets better. Just so you know,” he says gently, reaching forward to tuck a wild tendril of raven hair behind her ear.

His fingers linger on her ear, and he realizes she’s got a rook piercing in her cartilage she didn’t have before. It’s pretty and fitting for her, and it makes him want to kiss the delicate shell of her ear.

He doesn’t, obviously, and instead drops his hand away from her to rest it on his knee.

“This is gonna look so good, though, Lulu. It’s gonna be great.”

As he tucks hair behind her ear, she looks back down at her wrist as Jessica does her careful work. Maya’s sure it’ll be worth it when it’s done, but it does hurt like a bitch.

Jessica skims over a particularly sensitive spot. Maya flinches a little, managing to keep her wrist steady, but she squeezes Shawn’s hand.

“Ow,” she mutters quietly, blushing and trying to keep her eyes off Shawn.

He feels her flinch, her hand tightening around his. She’s staring at the needle going into her skin, and he’s not sure why. It always squicks him out. That’s why he focuses on talking.

He squeezes her hand back. “Hey,” he murmurs, tugging at her fingers gently, “Don’t look down there. Look at me, sugar.”

The word falls from his lips before he can stop it. She was his sugar for so fucking long, it’s almost second nature for him to use the pet name. He decides not to back down from it, though, just holds her hand firmly and cups her cheek, urging her to look away from the tattoo.

Maya’s brow is furrowed, focused on the pain in her arm and feeling her heart rate rise at watching the needle in her skin.

Shawn pulls her back in a way only he can. His voice, the pet name, it’s like something from a 10 year old dream. Maya inhales sharply and looks up at him, eyes wide, waiting to see if he’ll shrink away from it, take it back, make a joke.

He’s not joking. He cups her cheek. Her wrist doesn’t hurt anymore.

She looks at him and he kisses her. He can’t help it. Her eyes are wide, pleading. They tell him, stay with me, don’t go.

Maybe he’s making it up. He kisses her anyway. His hand tilts her head back so he can press his lips carefully to hers. A spark ignites; fire spreads from his lips and courses through his veins. It drives him crazy, touching her like this, and then it settles him.

He feels at home here, holding her clenching hand and kissing her soft lips. He feels a dislodged piece of himself, the one he’s been chasing for years, click into place as the tattoo gun buzzes between them.

Maya feels beautifully heavy, grounded somehow when he kisses her. It’s solid and real and purposeful, not fraught like their last kiss. This one feels like an old kiss, like a leftover from their time together. Maya settles into it, scraping her dulled fingernail affectionately against his finger as he tilts her head back.

He tastes like rum. Or maybe she does. She should probably consider the fact that they’re not alone, but it’s the furthest thing from her mind right now. They feel alone, really alone together for the first time since she came to Avila.

Maya sits back a little from the weight of the kiss and smiles at the wet sound their lips make as they separate, audible over the buzzing of the gun. She doesn’t go far, pulling away to his cheek to brush her lips over his skin and watch the hair on the back of his neck stand up for her.

He has to stop himself from purring I love you into her ear as her lips brush his cheek. His drunk brain tells him it’s like, the best idea in the world because the truth is always good, right? But he’s clinging on to his sobriety just enough to know that his drunk brain is tricking him.

It’s a perfect moment, just the way it is. He won’t let his big mouth ruin it.

He pulls back just enough to rest his cheek on the chair next to her face, tucking his chin on her shoulder as he watches Jessie try her very, very hardest not to look up at them. Her focus is laser as she glides the gun across Maya’s skin.

He kisses her shoulder, glances up at her. “This is gonna be super cool, Lu. Like, you’ll love it.”

Shawn stays close, nestling next to her in their little bubble. She unwinds her fingers from his in favor of running them against his jaw and watching his chest rise and fall.

Her eyes slide shut for a few perfect seconds as he kisses her clavicle. She hums in agreement and continues stroking his skin, the rhythm comforting as a distraction from her pain.

He looks back at the gun, at the way Jessie bites her lower lip like she does when she’s really in the zone. He’s jealous, for a moment, of Maya’s abused skin. He basically always wants another tattoo, has an endless list of ideas, and witnessing someone else get inked always makes him that much more desperate for something fresh, himself.

“I think I’m gonna go next,” he says from his perch on her shoulder, giving her a squeeze.

Her eyes open. “You’re getting one? Now?”

Jessica sits up and turns off the gun. Maya looks down. She bites down on a goofy grin.

“Wow. Jessica, it’s beautiful. Thank you.”

He looks from Maya’s wrist to Jessica as he lifts his head from the chair.

“Yeah, now,” he says with a nod, “I mean, if that’s okay, boss.”

Jessica laughs as she takes off her gloves, cleaning up in the sink in the corner of the room.

“Fine with me, babe,” she says, drying her hands, “Just lemme know me what you’re thinking.”

Shawn looks to Maya and reaches for her freshly inked wrist, now wrapped in cellophane. He runs his thumb along the back of her wrist as he studies the easel.

“I like it,” he murmurs, even though he fucking loves it. He loves seeing ink on her skin. He looks up at her while Jessie futzes around the shop. “But I don’t know what to get.”

He keeps one hand on her while he retrieves his phone, looking at Maya with pleading eyes as he opens his photos. “Help me pick?”

Maya’s admiring the tattoo, turning her head to different angles while Jessica tidies up. Shawn tugs at her hand and takes a close look with her.

As he leans in, Maya turns her head and noses at the fine little curls at his temple. She hopes it’s ok to do now that the distraction of the pain can’t be used as an excuse anymore. Though her wrist still hurts a little.

Maya watches Shawn flip through pictures of inspiration on his phone and chews on her lower lip. She doesn’t know what piping up now will bring, but as soon as he said he wanted a tattoo tonight, an old image came to her head.

“I have an idea, if you want,” she offers, standing and going to the counter for the pad of paper.

She sketches it from a memory so old it could’ve been a dream. Or maybe it was a dream. Either way, Maya remembers it well. She thinks it’s probably in an old sketchbook at the bottom of a box in her Avila house -- she has a rule against throwing sketchbooks away.

She holds up the pad, eyes wide, lips tight, heart pounding. It’s an intricately sketched thimble with little crosshatchings and sculpted designs, tipped over on its side with some gentle shading. The image is as intimately familiar to them as anything could ever be, one of their most meaningful shared moments.

He’s busy flicking between two designs when Maya scurries away from him. He lifts his head, gaze following her to the counter. He watches her as she leans over the pad and starts scribbling, her lips pressed together as she concentrates.

He doesn’t move. He’s curious, his stomach twisting at the thought that she has an idea for him. She wants something she’s designed inked into his skin. Permanently. He got his anchor tattoo for her, but getting something she designed for him, on purpose, seems so much heavier. He swallows and eventually stands, just as she’s lifting the pad and turning to show him her work.

“Maya,” he murmurs when his eyes fall to the intricate thimble sketched in the middle of the paper. It hits him in the gut, the simple little design that used to mean so much to both of them. It still means so much to him. That’s why he never got it on his own, even though she’d mentioned it in passing.

Seems like maybe it meant enough to her that she actually ended up designing it for him. And the fact that she remembered it well enough to sketch it so beautifully, so quickly-- well, maybe that means it still means a lot to her, too.

“Really?” he asks, brows raising as he looks from the paper to catch her gaze. “I mean-- is that okay with you? I fucking-- you know I love it.”

Maya looks down at the pad and back up at him. “I just… it’s old. I mean, I had the idea… a really long time ago. I don’t know if this is exactly how you’d even want it. And you don’t have to get it, it’s just--”

She stops herself and takes a breath. She mashes her lips together.

“I know it’s… it’s not who we are now. It’s who we were once. You don’t have to get it, I just wanted you to have it. I’ve always wanted you to have it. I made it for you.”

Maya puts the pad back on the counter and stands. She reaches for his hand and takes it between both of hers. “It’s up to you, anyway.”

She’s suddenly very candid, bringing up their relationship in an honest way neither of them have been willing to broach before. She’s braver than he is, he guesses. His compartmentalization skills are unparalleled; he would’ve gone the entire summer without ever calling direct attention to their past.

He’s a fucking wimp.

He looks down at her hands and shakes his head. She doesn’t have to do so much explaining and justification. That’s it for him. It’s the perfect tattoo.

He reaches for her face, cupping her jaw gently. “It’s perfect, Lu,” he murmurs, tipping his head down so he can press her forehead to hers.

Shawn pulls her in for a tender moment. She closes her eyes and lets herself feel close to him -- feel the weight of his forehead against hers, feel his breath on her cheeks, feel the warmth of his body against hers. It’s a welcome, comforting stillness.

An ‘I love you’ bubbles in his throat, but he swallows it. It’s just a tattoo, right? No reason to confess his deep dark secret because of it.

And yet.

A flicker of hope ignites in his chest. She wants a sign of their love burned into his skin, and that’s gotta mean something.

He wants it to mean something.

He presses his lips to hers briefly before he pulls away and reaches for the pad. Jess must’ve slipped into the back office, because Shawn realizes they’re alone as he looks around.

“Jessie!” he calls, “Maya designed the perfect tattoo!”

She earns another little kiss for her thoughtfulness. When he pulls away to call for Jessie, she blinks out of her Shawn-induced daze and licks her lips.

Jessie comes when she’s called. Maya nods at the pad and continues playing with Shawn’s fingers. Jessie takes a look at the sketch and smiles knowingly.

“Very nice. Where are we putting this?”

Maya looks to Shawn curiously.

He hadn’t thought about it. He looks down at the pad, then looks down at himself, then to Maya. He shrugs, tilts his head.

“Dunno. What d’you think, Lemon? I didn’t even think about that.”

Maya snickers at his use of a nickname he hasn’t used in a long time. He always did love coming up with nicknames for her.

He’s got plenty of clean skin compared to some people he knows, but it’s still always hard to pick the right place. Sometimes it’s nice to have an outside perspective, particularly since he can’t see, like, all of himself.

He takes a step back and tugs his shirt off once more, tossing it onto the counter.

“Here. Tell me what’s gonna look good,” he urges with a grin, holding his arms out wide.

She watches him strip off his shirt and smiles -- now she’s really allowed to study him. He holds out his beautifully toned arms. Maya swallows and turns in a circle around him. As she passes his chest, she shoots him a teasing glance.

Maya reaches her fingers out as she slowly paces around him, tracing them down his spine and swirling around the firm definition of his back muscles. She makes another slow pass, feeling a little predatory. Then, she stops facing his back. She lifts her hands to his waist gently and steps in, closing her eyes as she presses her lips to a spot on the inside of his shoulder blade.

Because he’s Shawn, he’ll know what it means. He’ll remember the way she used to hold him at night as they fell asleep together and kiss her favorite little spot, whispering one of her favorite lines from Peter Pan about how a kiss is a thimble.

Her lips burn against the skin of his back. He has to swallow a groan, has to fight the shiver that crawls across his skin.

Maya feels the well trained muscles of his shoulder go tight under her soft mouth, feels him inhale sharply in surprise. It’s all she can do to pull away from him and not just take more. She rolls her fingers into fists by her sides and steps away.

After letting her lips linger for a beat too long, she moves away from him, but he still feels her even after she’s gone. Like always.

“Yeah,” he coughs, turning to look down at her. “That’s a good idea.”

He doesn’t let himself kiss her again, even though he’s a little desperate. But they’re not alone, and he doesn’t think a second instance of PDA would be polite.

Jessie’s watching, and Shawn can practically feel her gaze burn his skin. He’s going to have a lot of explaining to do, later. He doesn’t care.

“Okay, Jess,” he says, turning to the tattoo artist. “We’re doing the right shoulder blade.”

He agrees breathlessly. The tension breaks when he brings Jessie back into the mix. Maya is grateful. Her head was starting to spin.

Jessie doesn’t say anything, just gives him a smile and nods her head towards the chair, because he knows the drill. He takes it on himself to readjust it, making so he can lie on his stomach while she works on him.

Shawn looks to Maya before he lies down, tips his head. “You gonna hold my hand?”

Maya watches as he climbs onto the chair face down and looks up at her. She smiles and pushes some loose curls off his forehead with a nod. She perches on a stool next to the chair as Jessie begins to set up behind him. She takes his hand in hers and traces the swallow with her thumb.

“Of course.”

Shawn presses his cheek into the chair as she slips her fingers between his, sending her a crooked smile. He hears Jessie behind him settling at his side so she can outline the thimble on his shoulder. He shivers slightly, squeezing Maya’s hand. The pen on his skin always makes his skin tingle in such a satisfying way.

The tattoo gun buzzes to life above him. He wets his lips and looks from their joined hands to Maya’s sun-kissed face.

“I’m a talker,” he starts, eyes slipping shut with the first press of the needle to his skin. “Talk too much, probably, but talking through the pain is good. Like, medically or whatever. If you can talk through the pain then you’re not dying, you know?”

His eyes open again.

“Not that tattoos can kill you. Unless they get infected and then you get gangrene or hepatitis or something. But that’s--”

“I’m a very hygienic tattoo artist, thanks,” Jessie interrupts, and he can hear the smirk in her voice.

“Then I guess I won’t die,” he says with a wink to Maya, just as his fingers curl tighter into her palm. He’s good at a brave face by now, though the rest of his body sometimes betrays him. And the talking.

Maya looks between Shawn’s face as he rambles and Jessie’s hand as she works. She’s always liked watching other people draw. When she was too keyed up after a 14-hour day at the office to sleep, she’d watch YouTube videos of people drawing. It’s mesmerizing and calming to her. And Jessie’s art is unlike anything Maya’s ever seen done.

She likes listening to him talk. When he’d get anxious, he’d go off on tangents, swinging her fingers as he held them and gesturing wildly with his other hand. She’d pipe up occasionally with a comment or a question but otherwise just listened.

It’s nice just hearing him talk aimlessly again.

“Yeah,” she giggles, lifting his clenching hand to her lips. She presses her mouth to the knuckle of his thumb with a shy smile, “Please don’t die.”

Something tugs at his heart when Maya brush a kiss against his knuckles and decides she doesn’t want him to die. Not that he ever thought she did, but the reassurance is nice. It’s nice to know she’d miss him if he were gone. He’s beginning to think she might’ve missed him before, too.

Maya looks back over his shoulder to watch Jessie round out the thimble that she’s dreamed about seeing on him for so long.

With a crooked smirk, she asks, “Do you remember the first time we watched Peter Pan together?”

He grins at her question. “Animated version or the one with the kid? Because yes to both.”

He’s always loved Peter Pan. He’s always loved the idea of being a kid forever, even when he was itching to grow up. It just got worse as he got older and realized growing up sucked a little.

It sucked a little less with Maya.

“I remember you cried both times. And I remember you sang along even after you told me you wouldn’t because you weren't drunk. And you said a thimble would be a good tattoo and I said maybe a naked mermaid would be better and then you hit me.”

Maya laughs. She was referring to the animated version but she remembers both occasions fondly. She was curled up on the couch with him during her senior year. He had a hand up the back of her t-shirt to trace patterns until he slipped her out of it completely. And yeah, she did sing dead sober. She probably would’ve stopped at some point but he looked so delighted to hear her voice.

“I think it was more of a love tap,” she points out, raising an eyebrow at him, “Who gets a naked mermaid tattoo, anyway? Who do you think you are, Harry Styles?”

“Hey,” he crows, his voice slightly more on edge than it would be if he didn’t have a needle pricking his back, “I came up with that idea way before that guy even existed. I’m the original.”

Maya rolls her eyes at his indignation but doesn’t poke at him further because Jessie’s doing plenty of that on her own.

The tattoo artist chuckles and continues crosshatching the thimble. Maya smiles quietly.

“It looks beautiful,” she tells him.

He closes his eyes and hisses when Jessie has to work on a particularly tender spot, just near the spine of his shoulder blade. His teeth dig at his lip and he pulls Maya’s hand toward him, pressing his nose against her fingers.

“Shit,” he chokes out a laugh, “You’d think at some point this wouldn’t feel like anything anymore. Like your nerves would just get used to it. Maybe that’s bad, though. Like, can’t feel pain, don’t know when you’re getting hurt. Then you die.”

As he tenses and drags her hand in closer, she goes willingly and brings her other hand up to stroke through his hair. She hopes the rhythm of it will provide some comfort. He continues rambling, she continues smiling at him and glancing over his shoulder to keep an eye on Jessie’s work.

Shawn blinks up at Maya when Jessie lets up to wipe at his skin with gauze.

“Guess I think a lot about death and mortality when I’m getting inked.”

She looks back down at him. “Stop talking about dying. Nobody’s dying. And it looks like Jessie’s wrapping up soon.” Jessie smiles, still focused on her work, and nods.

Maya chews on the inside of her lip thoughtfully, twirling one of Shawn’s curls around her finger. She’s just become aware that once he’s finished and they’ve both paid, this part of the night is over. She doesn’t know what happens next.

What happens next?

After another ten minutes of rambling, Jess dresses his tender skin with gauze and tape, then leads them both to the counter to pay. Shawn doesn’t drop Maya’s hand until he has to fish his wallet out of the pocket of his swim shorts. He itches to grab her hand again after, but then she’s paying, hands busy, and he wanders over to the door to wait for her instead.

He doesn’t want to leave her. He doesn’t want the night to be over. It’s only like 9:30, and they’ve just started to find the rhythm with which they were once so familiar.

Maya does her very best pretending that things aren’t immediately weird and tense after Shawn stands from the chair and they go to pay. There’s idle chatter, but it feels a little overly polite, like they’re both trying to make each other comfortable at their own expense.

Maya smiles as she approaches him and he grins back. He can’t help it, she’s contagious. He waves at Jess over Maya’s head, says, “Thanks, Jess. I’ll see ya soon.”

Once they’re back on the boardwalk, he takes Maya’s hand back like it’s the most casual thing in the world and not a decision he’s been laboring over since they first separated. He plays with her fingers like he used to, rubs his thumb between her knuckles like he used to.

He really wants to do everything like he used to, but he wants to do it all differently, too.

Not that it matters, since she’s leaving. But he could give her a really great summer, if she let him.

She’s a little relieved and a little empowered when he takes her hand back outside. They haven’t started walking anywhere yet and it’s clear that it’s because they don’t know where they’re going.

“You tired?” he asks, breaking the calm silence of the cool night.

Maya mashes her lips together and focuses on the way his fingers feel interlaced with hers. She wants to feel more, she thinks. She wants to feel him again.

Maya looks up, squeezes his hand. “Is… it ok if I’m not?”

He laughs, bringing their joined hands to his lips. He nips at the knuckle of her middle finger as he looks down at her.

“That is probably the most okay thing in the world, Lu,” he says with a soothing kiss to her bitten skin. “I’m not bored of you yet, anyway.”

It feels like their first date again, back when he didn’t know what she was thinking and wasn’t sure if she wanted all the same things he did. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once. And also sad. If she were staying for good, this could be their chance to fall in love again. But they can’t, so he’ll take what he can get. Even if it makes him more than a little sad.

He shakes the thought and starts walking down the boardwalk, tugging Maya along with him back towards the party.

Maya watches as he cycles through a few different emotions and she’s surprised by how easily she can still read him. Or she thinks she can. She’s curious to see just how much he perks up by the idea of taking her back to the party. But then he takes a left turn into something that seems wistful and nostalgic.

She thinks maybe he’s thinking the same thing she is, about how they used to be when they were here. About how it feels sometimes like maybe they could get back there without too much trouble.

If she doesn’t think about her lie.

“Geoff brought bud, if you wanna smoke or something,” he looks down at her. “Or there’s tequila. And more s’mores. Whatever you want.”

Shawn starts to lead her back down the boardwalk to the party. Suddenly, her body makes up her mind and plants itself firmly like a child about to have a fit at the mall. She locks her knees and stands firm.

“I’m -- wait. I think instead,” she pants gently, “I think you should… god. Fuck it. Come home with me, Shawn.”

---------

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New top story from Time: How COVID-19 Will Shape the Class of 2020 For the Rest of Their Lives

They call it commencement because it’s supposed to be a new beginning.

College graduation is one of life’s last clean transitions, a final passage from adolescence to adulthood that is predictable in ways other transitions rarely are. Relationships end with breakups or death, jobs often end with quitting or firing, but college is one of the only things in life that ends with a fresh start. Except when it doesn’t.

One morning in March, Clavey Robertson took a study break and climbed onto the roof of his dorm at the University of California, Berkeley. He had spent the past year working on his senior thesis on the erosion of the social-safety net since the Great Depression, and he needed to clear his head. In the distance, Robertson could see a tiny white speck: the Diamond Princess cruise ship, carrying crew members infected with COVID-19, lingering in the San Francisco Bay.

Photograph by Hannah Beier for TIME

Hannah Beier, a photography major in the Drexel University Class of 2020, has been virtually photographing her classmates in quarantine. She directed this series of portraits over FaceTime.

Two months later, Robertson’s transition to adulthood is in limbo. He skipped his online commencement and he’s living in his childhood bedroom, which had been converted to a guest room. His parents have lost their travel agency work, and his own job prospects have dried up. “No longer am I just a student writing about the Great Depression,” he says. “Now there’s a depression.”

College graduation is often marked by an adjustment period, as students leave the comforts of campus to find their way in the raw wilderness of the job market. But this year’s graduates are staggering into a world that is in some ways unrecognizable. More than 90,000 Americans have died; tens of millions are out of work; entire industries have crumbled. The virus and the economic shock waves it unleashed have hammered Americans of all ages. But graduating in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic will have enduring implications on the Class of 2020: for their memories, their earning power, and their view of what it means to have a functional society. For these young adults, the pandemic represents not just a national crisis but also a defining moment.

Hannah BeierJoshua McCaw, Drexel University Class of 2020, in his childhood bedroom in Brooklyn

Even before COVID-19, the Class of 2020 came of age at a time of fear and uncertainty. Born largely in 1997 and 1998—among the oldest of Gen Z—the Class of 2020 were in day care and pre-kindergarten on 9/11. Their childhoods have been punctuated by school -shootings and catastrophic climate change. Their freshman year at college began with President Donald Trump’s election; their senior year ended with a paralyzing global health crisis. “We stepped into the world as it was starting to fall apart,” says Simone Williams, who graduated from Florida A&M University in an online commencement May 9. “It’s caused my generation to have a vastly different perspective than the people just a few years ahead of us or behind us.”

Researchers have found that the major events voters experience in early adulthood—-roughly between the ages of 14 and 24—tend to define their political attitudes for the rest of their lives. And the Class of 2020’s generation was -already disaffected. Only 8% of -Americans -between 18 and 29 believe the government is working as it should be, and fewer than 1 in 5 consider themselves “very patriotic,” according to the 2020 Harvard Kennedy School Institute of Politics survey of young Americans. They are at once widely skeptical of U.S. institutions and insistent on more government solutions; they’re disappointed in the current system, but hold out hope for a better one.

Hannah BeierBrooke Yarsinsky, Drexel University Class of 2020, celebrating her birthday in her family’s kitchen in Marlton, N.J.

For the Class of 2020, COVID-19’s lasting impact may be determined by what happens next. If the rising cohort of young workers are left to fend for themselves, mass youth unemployment could lead to permanent disillusionment or widespread despair. A forceful, effective response that invests in the rising generation of American talent could restore their faith in the system.

It’s not clear to the Class of 2020 how the pandemic will play out. They just know it will change their lives. “Everything” is at stake, says Yale history major Adrian Rivera. “It’s this pivotal moment where we’ll never forget what’s done,” he says. “Or what isn’t done.”

School is often a refuge from the gusts of history. But the events that rupture the classroom routine, from President Kennedy’s assassination to 9/11, tend to be the ones that stick with students forever.

The coronavirus disrupted more class time, for more students, than almost any other event in U.S. history. It started with a scramble: The University of Washington announced on March 6 that it was cancelling in-person classes for its 57,000 students. Then Stanford University followed suit. Over the next few days, campuses from Harvard to the University of Michigan announced they’d be transitioning to online learning. Soon, hundreds of other colleges and universities followed.

Hannah BeierBen Scofield, Drexel University Class of 2020, on his bed in his new apartment in the Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn

By Friday, March 13, an eerie silence fell on campuses across the nation. “Something about that day was really weird, because every time my friends and I would say ‘See you later’ or ‘Catch you after break,’ I just had this sinking feeling that I wasn’t going to see them,” says Vincent Valeriano, a member of Iowa State University’s Class of 2020. “Saying goodbye felt like it carried a lot more weight than it used to.” He ended up watching his online -graduation -ceremony at home, in his pajamas.

For underclassmen, the shortened semester was an irritating disruption. For seniors, it was a total upheaval. “There’s no way for there to be closure,” says Sam Nelson, who recently graduated with a journalism degree from the University of Missouri. “I know in real life, closure doesn’t exist, but this is one of the last moments for young people to say goodbye to young adulthood and move into the next phase of their lives.”

The Class of 2020 hugged their closest friends and mourned their lost semester, but scattered back home without so much as a goodbye to many people they’d lived with for years. Acquaintances who laughed in hallways or shared inside jokes in seminars simply disappeared. Fraternities and sororities canceled their formals and philanthropy events, attempting Zoom happy hours that didn’t come close to the real thing. For some couples, casual hookups quickly escalated into long-distance relationships. Others quietly packed up their feelings for college crushes and left without saying a word.

Hannah Beier for TIMESarah Pruitt, Drexel University Class of 2020, at home with her mom in Colchester, Conn.

The loss of a milestone like an in–person commencement had a special sting for some families. Arianny Pujols, the first natural-born U.S. citizen in her family and the first to graduate from college, still did her hair and makeup as if she were walking across the stage at Missouri State University. She and her family held a small ceremony in her grandfather’s backyard, and then she stood on the sidewalk in her cap and gown waving at cars with a sign that said “Honk, I did it!” Brenda Sanchez, 22, whose parents are immigrants from Mexico, says they will miss both her graduation from Humboldt State University in California and her sister’s college graduation the next day. “My parents didn’t go to school. They didn’t graduate,” says Sanchez, who is herself an immigrant and is protected from deportation by President Obama’s Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals policy. “Your heart breaks a little. You did work hard, you did earn this degree, but you’re not going to see yourself walk across that stage.”

Instead of graduating into their future lives, many Class of 2020 seniors feel like they’ve gone backward. “We were ready to be in the world as young adults—not good adults, maybe clumsy adults, but some kind of adult,” says Ilana Goldberg, who recently graduated from Tufts University in an online ceremony. “We’re not in the system anymore, but we’re not far enough out of it to have our footing in the world.”

Hannah BeierLauren, Parsons School of Design Class of 2017, and Dylan, Marist College Class of 2017, quarantining in Lauren’s family home in Woodstock, VT

Eric Kolarik, who was supposed to be sitting at his University of Michigan commencement ceremony in early May, is instead back home in Traverse City, Mich., raking leaves, helping his mom with the dishes, doing the same chores he did in high school. “I’m 22 but I’ve assumed the life of 15-year-old Eric again,” he says. “You feel like a failure to launch.”

If only they knew that a stolen senior spring is the least of their problems. The Class of 2020 is falling through a massive hole in the U.S. social-safety net, into a financial downturn that could define their lives for decades to come. Graduating seniors have lost on–campus jobs that got them through school. Many haven’t been working for long enough to qualify for full unemployment. If they’ve been listed as dependents on their parents’ taxes, they don’t get a stimulus check. They haven’t had time to build up significant savings.

Hannah Beier for TIMEDestiny, Drexel University Class of 2019, at home in Palmyra, PA

“I’m not sure they’ve fully processed what 25% unemployment, disproportionately affecting younger Americans, will actually mean,” says John Della Volpe, director of polling at Harvard’s Institute of Politics. He recalls that during the last recession, the Class of 2009 scrambled to scoop up opportunities, “like a game of- -musical chairs.” The Class of 2020, by contrast, is essentially frozen in place by a pandemic that has trapped much of the nation inside their homes. “There almost are no opportunities in any sector,” Della Volpe says. “It’s like suspended animation.”

More than 1 in 5 employers surveyed by the National Association of Colleges and Employers in April said they were rescinding their summer internship offers. The overall number of postings on the online jobs platform ZipRecruiter have fallen by nearly half since mid-February, while new postings for entry-level positions have plummeted more than 75%, according to ZipRecruiter labor economist Julia Pollak. A year ago, less experienced job seekers were enjoying brisk wage growth and rosy job prospects. Now, Pollak says, “it’s particularly hard for new graduates.

Sanchez, who worked two jobs and started her own eyelash-extension business to help pay for school, has applied for more than 70 jobs in recent weeks without success. Williams, who dreams of working in the entertainment industry, had no luck with at least 15 jobs and struck out with fellowships that are no longer taking applicants; now she’s cobbling together gig work. Robertson had planned to try to get a job in labor activism; these days, he’s considering graduate school instead.

Hannah BeierJillian Yagoda with her boyfriend Benjamin Halperin, both in the University of Maryland Class of 2020, in the apartment they share in College Park, Md.

It’s not just dream jobs that have disappeared. Historically, many young people take positions in the retail or restaurant industries as they find their path. According to Pew, of the roughly 19 million 16-to-24-year-olds in the labor force, more than 9 million were employed in the service sector. Suddenly, a significant chunk of those jobs have evaporated. In April alone, the leisure and hospitality industry lost 47% of its total workforce, with 7.7 million workers newly unemployed, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Which means the economic crisis has hit the youngest harder than any other age group. More than half of Americans under 30 say someone in their household has lost a job or taken a pay cut because of the corona-virus crisis, according to Pew, and the youngest workers are more likely than older generations to say that the pandemic has hurt their finances more than other people.

Graduating into a bad economy can affect everything from future earnings to long-term health and happiness. Researchers have found that beginning a career in the teeth of a recession can depress earnings for 10 years, and trigger broader impacts for decades. One study from UCLA and Northwestern found that the young people who came of age -during the early 1980s recession had higher mortality, and were more likely to get divorced, and less likely to have children. Till von Wachter, a UCLA labor economist who has spent years studying this issue, has a name for these young people who enter the labor force at the worst possible moment: “unlucky graduates.”

Hannah BeierSisters Camilla Nappa, Drexel University Class of 2020, and Sophia Nappa, NYU Class of 2022, isolating at their father’s home in St. Louis

Rather than brave a job market battered by COVID-19, some in the Class of 2020 are seeking refuge in graduate school. But that presents its own conundrum. As of 2019, nearly 7 in 10 college students graduated with student loans, with an average tab of nearly $30,000. Going to graduate school can mean –taking on even more debt. “I’m having to take out grad loans, but I can’t work to pay them off,” says Sean Lange, who plans to enroll in a master’s program in public policy after graduating from New York’s Stony Brook University in an online ceremony in May. He’s not even sure he’ll get his money’s worth for the $18,000 annual tuition. Especially if his classes end up being taught online.

All of this—the forgone memories, the abrupt goodbyes, the lost opportunities—will stay with the Class of 2020 forever. “The coronavirus pandemic is the biggest cultural event since World War II,” says Jean Twenge, a psychologist and author of iGen, who studies millennials and Gen Z. “It’s going to have a huge impact on -everyone, but young adults in particular.”

Hannah BeierMagda, Drexel University Class of 2022, with her family in Lynbrook, NY

Even before COVID-19, much of Gen Z was disappointed in the government response to the issues facing their generation. These are the students who joined the March for Our Lives gun-safety movement amid near weekly school shootings, and went on strike over inaction on climate change. They were too young to be swept up in Barack Obama’s 2008 campaign, but old enough to gravitate toward Bernie Sanders’ message of progressive revolution in the 2016 primary. Those who were old enough to vote overwhelmingly opposed President Trump in that year’s general election. They favor student debt reform and universal health care. They are the most -racially diverse generation in U.S. history.

Their skepticism of public institutions is largely fueled by a sense that the government is doing too little, not too much. A study last year by Pew Research Center found that 7 in 10 wanted the government to “do more to solve problems.” The divide is generational, not political: more than half of Gen Z Republicans say they want the government to do more. (Less than a third of older Republicans agree.)

Near mandatory use of social media has already contributed to sky-high levels of depression and anxiety among Gen Z, according to Twenge. She analyzed data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health and found that the number of young adults reporting symptoms of major depression had increased 63% between 2009 and 2017, with a marked turning point around 2012, when smartphone use first became widespread. The pandemic has likely only made them more anxious and disillusioned. Pew found that Americans between 18 and 29 are more likely than older ones to feel depressed during the pandemic, and less hopeful about the future than the senior citizens who are far more vulnerable to the disease caused by the virus.

Hannah Beier for TIMEKathryn Murashige, Drexel University Class of 2020, in the sunroom of her childhood home in Kennett Square, Pa.

Which helps explain why young activists view this as a now-or-never moment for their cohort. They know that the pandemic will shape their futures, even if it’s not yet clear exactly how. “Either we will end up with a generation that is far more resilient than earlier generations,” says Varshini Prakash, a leader of the Gen Z–powered Sunrise Movement, “or it could be a generation that is far more nihilistic, and far less likely to engage in our politics because they’ve seen the institutions fail them at the times they really needed it.” The youngest cohort of Americans “could be traumatized for life,” says Robert Reich, a former U.S. Labor Secretary who is now a professor of public policy at University of California, Berkeley. “They could turn economically and socially inward. They could lose faith in all institutions, and they are trending in that direction anyway.”

In other countries, like Egypt, Tunisia and Spain, widespread unemployment among educated young people has led to social unrest or radicalization, mostly because of a sense of betrayal. They think, “we thought there was some kind of bargain, a social contract, that if we play by the rules we get a job at the end of all of this,” says Heath Prince, a research scientist at University of Texas at Austin. So far youth unemployment in the U.S. is mostly correlated with drug addiction and right-wing extremism, Prince says, and hasn’t tipped into the realm of mass uprisings. Then again, -unemployment hasn’t been this high in nearly 80 years.

“My generation isn’t feeling like they’re being spoken to or listened to, and at the same time, a lot of us are becoming economically disenfranchised,” says Robertson, the University of California, Berkeley, graduate who studied the New Deal. “I definitely think a lot of us have lost confidence in the government.”

The only way to address an unemployment rate reminiscent of the 1930s, according to some scholars, students and activists, is a federal government response that echoes the scale of 1930s reforms. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s New Deal included major initiatives to get young Americans back to work. Six days after he took office in 1933, Roosevelt proposed the Civilian Conservation Corps: within four months, the federal government had hired 300,000 young men to plant trees and maintain parks and trails. Three million young people were ultimately employed as part of the program. In 1935, Roosevelt created the National Youth Administration (NYA) as part of the Works Progress Administration, designed to give young Americans work-study and job training. (A young Lyndon B. Johnson got an early political break as an administrator of the NYA program in Texas.) The Americans employed by these New Deal programs grew into the selfless, patriotic army that fought World War II, now known as the “Greatest Generation.”

Some Democrats say the COVID-19 pandemic calls for a similar approach. Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts has called for a “Coronavirus Containment Corps,” to expand the public-health workforce and employ an army of contact-tracers to help fight the spread of the virus. (Warren, an admirer of the New Deal, noted the CCC acronym is no coincidence.) Senator Chris Coons (D., Del.) joined with Senator Bill Cassidy (R., La.) to champion a national service bill that would expand Americorps and fund 750,000 jobs to help train new health care workers to fight COVID-19. And proponents of a Green New Deal, like Prakash and Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, are working to shape the environmental policy of presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden.

Given Republicans’ skepticism of big government programs, none of these ideas are likely to make it through Mitch McConnell’s Senate or onto President Trump’s desk. But the political landscape has already shifted the universe of the possible, with Republicans agreeing to recovery measures—such as sending $1,200 stimulus checks to eligible working Americans—that would have been unthinkable only months ago. And if Democrats reclaim the Senate and the White House, broader reform could be closer than it looks. Young people who are skeptical of government’s ability to solve big problems say their faith can be restored. “I have no faith in this Administration and this government,” explains Lange, the Stony Brook public-policy student. “But I believe in Big Government.”

Eric Kolarik spent his last semester at the University of Michigan working on a paper about the 1918 flu pandemic. Now, with classes canceled and his job search on ice, his copy of The Great Influenza is on his childhood bookshelf, alongside his old high school copies of The Crucible and Of Mice and Men. “There will be a sort of unity that the Class of 2020 has with each other, and it’s not fond memories,” he says. “People will say, ‘You’re the Class of 2020,’ and everyone will know what that meant.”

The pandemic has marked the end of one phase for this unlucky cohort. The recovery could mark the beginning of another.

Cover photograph in collaboration with Melissa Nesta

via https://cutslicedanddiced.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/how-to-prevent-food-from-going-to-waste

#Time #top stories #IFTTT #news

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theheartchoice · 5 years

Text

Providence

dean/cas | teen | 2k | canonverse s6 | ao3

for @profoundnet's bi-weekly Bot Stat challenge. prompt issued: July 9th 2019

dedicated to @saltnhalo ~ crack-free! 😘

Dean is cleaning his gun. Cas is the pizzaman. Sam is on the demon blood again.

Dean doesn't miss the apple-pie life, not really. He's a Hunter and this is what they do, this is the life for him. Doesn't mean he can't do with some small comforts, now and then. Or some hope - even if it's just a clue to find a way to stop the stuff of nightmares from wreaking havoc on the world. Pizza helps, too.

So, she broke things off.

..Unclip the mag..

So what?

..Clear the chamber..

Not like Dean really expected it to last, right?

..This cloth probably needs to be thrown..

Guess it was nice while it lasted.

..Where's the pipe cleaner?..

Maybe it would've been nice to last a while longer.

..Need more oil..

Had a whole year, though. And it was a pretty good year, as Hunter standards go.

..Should grab some rock salt, too. Runnin' low..

Sure as hell wasn't perfect. Dean was no model boyfriend or parental figure. Not with all his baggage, his demons.

..Need to make a list. Probably need a bunch of stuff. Wonder if Soulless Sammy's hacked any more cards yet..

That life isn't the thing to miss, though. That's not the life for him. He misses them. Her smile, her strength, her warmth. Little Ben growing up so fast, Dean pained he'll miss the rest. But he's not that guy - Mr. Family Man. They deserve better.

..They can hit the store before they leave town. Baby needs fuel. Grab some Johnny to replace the backup. Get outta dodge before the rains come. Sam can find 'em a case once they hit the interstate. They need snacks for the road, too. With any luck they'll find some monster to gank by nightfall..

Dean's only halfway through with their arsenal when his stomach reminds him he's past due for supper. Dinner had been a bust; Soulless Sam needs a lesson in acceptable menu classics, asap. Forget beheading a vamp with a baseball bat he could've sworn wasn't on the pitch a moment earlier - Dean'll be lucky not to get salmonella poisoning from that so-called food!

The mini fridge is bare, the cooler barer - unless you count half a dozen syringes of Dead-Man's blood. Dean doesn't. But considering Sam's choice for dinner, maybe he does? Never again. Sam is off food-duty until further notice.

What Dean could really go for, right now, is some pizza. Extra Large and all to himself. There's gotta be takeout menus around here somewhere.

He's barely scuffed one boot over the worn carpet when there's a rap at the door. At midnight. Sam wouldn't knock. Soulless Sam even less likely.

Grabbing one from the newly-cleaned stash, Dean silently draws up into the crook of wall between door and curtained window, gun cocked. Swift to pull it open and hard to throw himself against it, on the other side of that door is the last person Dean expected to see. "Cas?" Standing in a fuzzy halo of sickly yellow halogen, holding a goddamned miracle in his arms. "Is that pizza?"

"I thought you might be hungry."

"For me?" Cas nods. Dean yanks him - and the pizza - inside. "I'm starved, actually. That's some good timin'."

And so much for the brief trip into Bizarro World where a certain Angel actually respects personal space; Cas' hands are on Dean - shoulder and forehead as he tries to lean over the table, flipping the lid to inspect the toppings. Meatlovers and extra BBQ sauce. Awesome. But those hands are turning him away from pizza, now. "What's up with you?"

"You're not in any stage of starvation, Dean. You're in perfect health.. Aside from you-.. your wrist." He takes Dean's arm from bicep to sprain without hesitation. "What happened?"

It's kinda hard to shrug outta the grip of a guy who could literally throw you as far as the eye can see. "Vamp nest. But we got 'em, no biggy." No more deaths once they arrived in town, too, which was a nice change. "Can we eat? Sam bought, like, raw fish for dinner, man - I think it's still swimmin' around in there." Dean eyes the garbage where he tossed his takeout container, forcing back bile at the memory: one hasty bite before he'd realised his mistake. It had been.. slimy.

One of Cas' hands slips from his bicep to palm over Dean's stomach. The other leaves his wrist, at least, so Dean seizes the moment and steals the nearest slice from the box; chase away a bad memory with something good. OH, yeah - screw clouds - this is heaven.

"Nihon unagi."

"Huh―?" Dean tries not to let the precious pizza tumble from his mouth.

"Freshwater eel, and they're not swimming. Not consciously, anyway."

Dean's jaw stills. He stares at Cas.

"Digestive enzymes."

Oh, of course.

Cas' eyes refocus on Dean's pizza. No - his hand. His injury. "May I..?"

Mid-chew, Dean figures it can't hurt. He switches his pizza from right to left and holds out the sprain he'd forgot he had.

Cas' hand closes careful around it, a slip of warmed ice flowing quick through Dean's veins - and then his minor injury is minor no more.

"Thanks," Dean murmurs, and follows it with another mouthful of beef and pepperoni.

Cas leaves him to his second slice to survey the room. "Where is Sam?"

"Li'b'ary.." This is food. This is what every meal should taste like. All the meat, rich with smokey goodness. "R'se'rch."

"I thought you said the case was over?" Cas regains some proximity to the little round table where Dean stands with hips hugging the large pizza box. He takes a few moments to chew, swallow - rushing the savour-part, but Angels don't really understand the pleasure of a good pizza-pie, now do they?

"Not that. Purgatory." With slice #3 in hand, he realises he's got nothing to wash it down with. Slightly annoyed, he leads Cas past the bed laden with guns to the one neatly made with a duffel bag open on top. He pulls out a book, hands it over. "Officially, it's a work of fiction, and we still don't really know what we're dealin' with exactly, but.." He takes another bite. "..There may be a way to counteract the spell Crowley plans on usin'. Last line of defense, sorta thing."

Cas goes pensive and Dean goes back to his pizza, leading Cas over to their Wall of Crazy. They're still trying to track Crowley's whereabouts; It's ongoing. Vamps get beheaded on slow progress days.

"It's almost midnight."

So..?

"The library would be closed."

Dean gawks. "You know what time libraries close in small-town America?" Cas nods, clearly not seeing the issue. Whatever. "Not a library, a church. Secret archive in the foundations. The pastor, Father Roberto, let him in, a favour for takin' care of the vamps." The fact that one of them had been a colleague of his must've hit close enough to home to warrant unlocking the storm shelter: a small basement room stocked with hunter-esque reads. The guy had only been in their once - twice, including when he caught his former colleague breaking the rules with B&E (and reading).

They may not find anything ther, but since Sam doesn't need sleep nowadays he agreed to pull the all-nighter and check for certain before they skip town.

Gaze flitting from Dean and his pizza, to the leatherback book in his hands and up to the Crazy Wall, Cas keeps his thoughts to himself. He looks concerned, wary almost.

"You okay?"

Cas turns the book over, gently. "Where did you get this?" he says to the back cover.

"St. Bruno's. Got quite the collection of lore stashed away in the basement, but Roberto confiscated that one from one of the vamps, before.." Dean trails off, leaving out the details of his bloody foul ball at the local park. "Demonic possession's a big feature, no surprises there. Some monster stuff and gods stuff scattered through - most of it we know already from Bobby's. Also a bunch of balony text. But there was a couple dozen copies of that," he points at Cas' hands with his pizza tip, "so we figured we should see what else was down there that might be useful."

He joins Cas by the map printouts, newspaper clippings, highlighted notes and online article stubs. He watches as Cas traces delicate fingers over the black leather and gold-embossed spine. There's something about the way he handles it - with such care, and hesitation. It's a little odd, but then again he did kinda the same thing with Chuck's books, too. Only this time he hasn't even opened it.

"It's a graphic novel," Dean explains, "Words and images in a badass, super freaky, pretty damn cool comic strip setup." He'd been more impressed by it than Sam. Apparently his brother's passion for all things Geek was another thing that'd been left behind. It's one thing Dean never thought he'd miss.

Cas is still regarding the ripples in the leather when Dean's pocket vibrates. "You find somethin'?" The last thing he expects to hear are the words Demon and Blood, but measured against the bar of strangeness and crappy circumstance that is their lives, Dean's not as freaked out as he probably should be.

Soulless Sam, Heaven at war with itself, Purgatory existing, Angelic pizza-men.. Anything's possible these days.

"What about Demon Blood?" Cas must feel Dean's eyes on him because he looks up to pay attention. Dean nods along, shakes his head, wishes he had that spare Johnny to wash down the news. "Yeah, okay. Grab what you can. Forget finding a new case, we'll head to Bobby's in the morning." Hanging up, Dean can feel Cas' eyes on him. "Apparently, St. Bruno's has a book on demons we haven't seen before. Says somethin' about Demon blood relating to Purgatory, but he can't read much of it. Says it's in 'some kind of code'," and Dean shakes his head away from the shadowy thought of just how much of 'Sam' is really left.

Code-breaking? He used to do that shit for fun, at breakfast, before Dean had even poured his first cup of coffee. Now he.. can't? Or he's just not interested? Dean's not sure which is worse.

Cas' face steals back to Angelness, all signs of wariness painted over with a blank canvas. He glances at the clock, oddly, and places the book gently down on the nightstand. "I have to go."

And it's not like Dean expected him to stay, but it would've been nice. Least he brought pizza. "Yeah, okay. We'll keep in touch, let you know what we find."

Cas nods, and Dean can tell he's about to I Dream of Jeannie it outta there, so he quickly adds, "―You too, you hear me? Don't be a stranger." They lock eyes for a moment, and it feels like old times. "Thanks for the pizza."

With a tilted trace of a smile, Cas nods again, softer. "Be careful, Dean."

The fridge kicks on as invisible wings take flight. An owl hoots somewhere outside, waiting for an answer. It's suddenly quiet and the room feels empty in a way it hadn't before. Lonely.

He flicks on the old box set, turns some late night movie low, and snags the pizza box along with the little black book to settle down in the neatly made bed, tossing his duffel aside.

HP Lovecraft may have some relevance to what they're dealing with, but for now he just reads for the hell of it. To get lost in it; someplace else, somehow familiar. It's a clue, a step in the right direction, hopefully. And though it's not exactly a comfort, there's something grounding in knowing the answers are out there, somewhere. They just gotta keep looking.

There's fiction and there's reality, and sometimes the impossible is what's real. Sometimes it's a nightmare instead of a dream. That's the Hunter life. Figuring out what's dark fantasy and what's really lurking in the shadows.

No Lisa, no Ben. No Sam, even if he walked through that door right now. Bobby three states away. Cas off at war.

He's got pizza and Lovecraft's Cosmicism and Mitchum on the grainy tube. It's not everything, but it's enough. With any luck he'll dream of something better, something more. Probably the best he can hope for, really: if he can't have a better life, dreams might be the closest he ever gets.

But as long as he gets his four hours, he'll manage, dreams (or nightmares) or no.

The telltale pitter-patter of rain starts in, grows steadily heavier as the pages turn, the black-and-white noir futzing and pizza filling him, making him sleepy. He drifts off to the flicker of blue neon through the tear in the curtain by his bed, distantly wishing he'd removed his boots or at least his belt; it's digging into him, but he knows on the plus side he'll be ready to jump up and fight if something goes bump in the night.

Just another night in the Hunter's life.

#destiel ficlet #s6 #profoundnet #botstat #angel cas #pizza #soulless sam #night #lonely dean #hunter dean #myficlets #deancas #cv #teen #dean pov #motels #hp lovecraft #purgatory portal

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