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orbees · 1 year

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2022 overview

this year... where do i even Start with this year. it went by fast but also felt like an eternity. in terms of just Bullshit the universe threw my way, it was by far one of the roughest. struggled with literally Every aspect of life this year. but also the fact this Isnt the worst year of my life... i think ive come a long way w/ coping and i am proud of myself for hanging in there despite Everything

and for all the shitty, awful things that happened, there was a lot of good stuff too. i finished my practicum, which sucked ass, but i also finished the first half of my internship which was HARD but went much better. its kinda Hard to put into words but i rly struggle a lot w/ feeling incapable of well... Anything, and this goes Beyond disability tho it certainly plays a role. its more like i just feel myself Inherently Inadequate, due to Personal Flaws. but time and time again, i prove myself wrong, and are able to do much more than i thought i could.

and at the same time i dont wanna make it seem like Grinding myself into a paste was a good thing. i shouldnt have to Be so resilient, but i can admire the strength i have in doing so. its like i often contend a lot w/ feeling like this World doesnt want someone like me. it often feels like i am trying to jam a square piece into a triangle shaped hole. its like the hole shouldnt be so hard to get thru to begin with, but i am proud of myself for Trying despite

a lot of growing pains this year, a lot of putting myself into new and uncomfortable situations. getting my first job basically thru my internship, leaving the house regularly, interacting with people Daily... i am The autistic hermit so adjusting to this was. Difficult in ways that word cant even begin to describe but i did it regardless.

i even have began taking steps to live More authentically. the Autism is a big force in my day to day, and i burn myself out trying to Mask so ive rly just wanted to start letting myself Be. i still have a hard time with this but ive taken some pretty big steps. i told my supervisor that i am autistic which i NEVER thought i’d be able to do, and i am still very very proud of myself for doing that. i want to be able to create a space where i dont feel the Need to hide so much of everything that i am and i feel like i was able to lay out a lot of the framework for making that possible. i am proud of myself for working so hard to create a better life for myself Despite everything trying to pull me down

in general ive just done A lot of work on myself this year. contended with a lot of personal truths. i gained a better sense of who i am, what i am, what i can do, and what i WANT to do. ive faced off against a lot of my demons this year, and still have plenty more fighting left to do, but i feel proud of the person i am becoming. i feel more complete & whole, and have a better understanding of what i am worth. i am excited about my growth going into 2023! its gonna be a wild year for me i just know it LOL

my resolutions:

1. read more

2. create more just in general

3. take my big scary exams

4. graduate

5. learn how to drive >:(

6. in learning how to Juggle the everything i noticed i started isolating myself a bit and this is something i wanna Change

7. be kinder to myself

i also cant rly Find a way to work this into all i wrote above in a Pretty Way but i rly wanted to take a moment too to talk about my friends. i struggle a lot w/ feeling Alone, have my entire life, but i feel as if it is Getting better. like i have a better sense of who my people are, and where i belong <3 its hard to find the words that convey my sincerity without sounding trite but: ive received sm love and support this year, as i do every year ofc but with this year being So Hard for me, its really meant a lot. i am very thankful for my friends and love them a lot. thank u all sm for everything. here’s to a good 2023 i am manifesting this for all of us 😤😤😤

#virtual memories

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pepsicolabunches · 9 months

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Crying because I think I have to confront my roommates about leaving the kitchen a mess all the time. Like, I am myself not a super clean person, but I've spent years trying to get to a point where I at least won't have food waste that like attracts fruit flies by the masses. But our kitchen is literally always dirty. And sure, I get that people who actually do eat regularly and actually cook do make more of a mess, but I feel like part of cooking is also cleaning it up. My roommates get hellofresh so they do make full meals. But I feel like I literally can't be in the kitchen because of how messy it is all the time. I have my own personal anxieties and traumas with cleaning and with things being messy... But like we have a dishwasher, so the majority of the cleaning can be done with minimal effort... But it literally just doesn't get done... I often find myself having to clean up because it literally won't get done if I don't do it. We will regularly run out of cutlery or bowls and it's like..... We literally have a dishwasher..... It just makes it so much harder because I have a history of disordered eating and when my environment is messy it makes it so much more difficult. This past year I have probably eaten one or two meals a day at most, and a big part of that is just how messy it is. There's literally not a single surface that isn't messy.... I'm planning on getting a house with these people but I'm starting to have second thoughts about it... even though I LITERALLY CANT AFFORD TO LIVE ANYWHERE ELSE. I also have some issues with how they're wanting to go about getting the house. Like I'm happy for us to have a large house with lots of people in it but I don't drive and I'm disabled and they're wanting to literally move out of the city so that it's cheaper. And like they didn't ask if I was okay with moving to a different city in the area, and then they kind of judged me when I said I wouldn't really be comfortable with leaving because it took literally 5 years for me to get comfortable living here. There are places that I move to that I literally couldn't go past the corner store because of anxiety. And it's taken me this long to connect with resources that I know have been there the whole time. I'm just starting to get really frustrated with my living situation but I literally have no other choice. Canada is so expensive that you literally can't afford to rent on minimum wage. I will never be able to buy a house for myself, even a small one. And I need to live close to amenities because I'm disabled and can't drive. It's getting to the point where I'm getting pretty depressed and suicidal even because I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I they're just have to suck it up and deal with it or????? Nothing, there's no other options. Like, no wonder I struggle with addiction and my trauma because I still feel like I'm trapped.

#personal #tw suicidal thoughts

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softboyscully · 4 years

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Public School Stuff I Wanted to Share

public school is both beautiful and horrifying am i right

so ill just go by the grades i guess

Kindergarten, first year

i did kindergartden at a catholic school in a relativly big city so this one’s got some shit

we went to church every wednesday, me and best friend (lost track of her when we moved, wish we’d stayed in touch, she was awesome) would giggle the whole time, pretty sure we made fun of jesus once, can’t remember why, possibly the hair

i had the nicest teacher, she was (as i remember her) young, blonde, and super sweet, that was the first and last year i ever had naptime

SPEAKING of naptime

i never slept during it

once i found what i remember being a nut of some sort on the ground, probably came off someone’s shoe

i grab it, turn to sarah (my best friend), say something about putting it up my nose

sarah, apparently having common sense, says, “no dont do it!! we’re supposed to be sleeping!!”

i put it up my fucking nose

try to get it out, just push it farther in

im crying a little bit now, that shit hurts

go up to my teacher

“you’re supposed to be asleep!”

“i have a nut up my nose and it wont come out”

teacher tries to get it out, but it wont budge

just. sends me back to my mat

that was it

the art room was tiny

like re-purposed broom closet tiny

there was a copy of the mona lisa in the hallway, someone had drawn ray bans on it with a pencil, never got replaced

there was a creepy-ass basement i went down to after school, we ate cheeseballs and sandwiches with some kind of meat, mayo, and that kinda yellow bread

someone broke his leg down there once, think an older kid threw him at the ceiling or something

we learned how to play Silver Bells with actual bells in music class

Kindergarten, second year

i remember these two teachers as the evil step sister-type look, but it might be my little kid imagination

but seriously they were horrible

we learned stuff in a room that was more middle-school styled, except everything was green or black and it was v dark

me and sarah attained a new friend, john

honestly i think we would’ve stayed friends for a while if i didnt move away

i have two vivid memories

one is of me really wanting to go home, so i walked by the teacher’s desk and did a fake sneeze

they laughed at me and told me to go sit back down

the other is john leaning his chair back and then falling, so me and sarah went to help him back up

it was funny, so he did it again

and again

me and sarah were laughing, had the time of our lives

after the maybe fifth time the teachers said “john can get back up by himself. sit down and stay there.”

one of the reasons we moved was bc i got sent a letter from my fourth grade buddie

most of the words weren’t spelled correctly, many letters were backwards

my mother was horrified

ofc now we know it was probably a learning disability

1st grade

this is when i moved

beginning of school i was ASTOUNDED we didnt have uniforms, one of the best things ever to happen to me

nothing wrong with this teacher, she was cool

thing is i was a little shit

told everyone my dogs died (they did but i was maybe three when it happened, i remember it not)

all my personal narratives were bullshit (only one sticks in my memory, wrote it about celebrating christmas AND hanukkah with my dad’s friends who were jewish, i have never even met those friends)

had a crush on this kid, best friend (she was terrible and helped wreck me emotionally) told me to kiss him in music class. me being a stupid ass bitch, i did it, aND HE GOES TO THE TEACHER AND CALLS ME OUT. at the end of class she gets both of us to stay for a bit, AND I DENYIED EVERYTHING. i walked across the fucking classroom, kissed him on the cheek, ran away giggling, told my teacher i didn’t do anything, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. i’ve embarrassed myself further with this child but thats another story

2nd grade

i loved this teacher but honestly he was absolute shit

like. all he did was play the guitar and sing with us

never actually taught us stuff???

middle of the year, my mom goes in for a parent-teacher conference, he tells her i dont pay attention is math.

“what do you mean?”

“she doesn’t listen, she just takes out a book and starts reading.”

“........have you.... tried taking the book away?”

“sure, i could try that.”

“o....kay”

he also told her i’d be a girl who’d grow up to love spellcheck (which i do lmao)

like ???? why not just??? teach me to spell????

there was this one dude who one day showed up, gave me a pink stuffed cat, and then asked me where i lived

funniest thing was he lived on the same street as me

something that is vivid in my memory is showing up to class one day and realizing that i was wearing my regular clothes over my pajamas

also we had fish

every day someone else was in charge of feeding them

one of the times it was my job, i grab the fish food and walk over to the tank only to find all of the fish floating on the top

i screamed “THE FISH CAN FLY?!?!?!?!?!”

everyone ran over, all of us scarred for life when Mr. G walks over and goes in the most normal voice ever “no theyre dead”

we held a funeral

the cause of death is still undetermined

3rd grade

this year just draws a blank for me

all i know is that whoever the teacher was, they neglected to teach me how to tell time from a clock

also we learned the Cotten Eyed Joe dance in gym around here

4th grade

i had two teachers this year

one was the same one from 1st grade, the other one was a total bitch

made a girl named hannah ball her eyes out once, never apologized

i was (and am) and avid reader, so my reading skills were high above average

instead of being proud of me she told me i was weird, not normal, and too smart for a 4th grader, so i MUST be cheating.

she was the start of a lot of self confidence issues for me ngl

this was around the time i went and got tested for ADHD (me and my grandmother almost broke down on the highway but thats another story), Mrs. M (the nice one) was super supportive when i told her why i was leaving early but Ms. S (bitch) told me ADHD wasn’t real and i just wanted to be special for once

she sucked, Ms. S

5th grade

this is getting super long so this’ll be the last one i do

but my teacher..... Mr. F was A+++++

he legitimately taught me math

we had i guess like,,, a buddie class we switched with sometimes

the teacher of that class was Mrs. R, who had crazy red hair and many freckles

at one point she referenced a meme and my entire class started screaming

also there was another Mrs. S (to differentiate this one will be called Mrs. Su)

she was kind of crazy

she was the astronomy teacher and she told us many times that the moon landing was faked

once she handed out sunscreen and had everyone put it on their whole body (this was in december, fyi)

Mr. F also hosted an ‘archeological dig’ which sounds cool but in reality he had a bunch of arcade prizes from his childhood buried in little flower pots we dug into with plastic spoons

also heres some stuff i cants pinpoint the time of/happened in multiple grades:

someone held a who-can-scream-the-most-like-a-goat contest

a guy named Makenzie won

remember we planned it while the teacher left the classroom so the teacher walks back in and one by one everyone in the room starts screaming, there was some applause, a few kids got a standing ovation

we cleaned out our desks in the middle of the year, i found 3 socks and a dog treat in mine

like how the fuck did any of those things get there

and where’s the fourth sock

b o t t l e f l i p p i n g

but no seriously there were at least five water bottles stuck in the ceiling in the cafeteria

my sorta friend charlie was obsessed with paper airplanes

one time he might’ve broken the world record for longest time in the air but he was counting in his head and it was at recess so there was no video

four square and gaga ball would be played no matter the setting, time, or conditions and it was super competitive

like if you could get to king in four square you got the everlasting respect of everyone

and everyone was super educated on four square special rules, special plays, that kinda shit

no but guys i grew up with bus stop, candy store, haunted house on mondays, haunted mansion on fridays, zombies was fair game unless it was Zach, Ryan, Chrissy or Vee

me and one other guy named andrew were the only known pjo fans, had the time of our LIVES making refrences

“HEY ANDREW IM NOBODY”

“I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR YOU, NOBODY, COME HERE AND FACE YOUR DEATH”

“hey annabeth, i thought you looked like a princess when i first saw you. i printed out a picture you sent me casually and kept it with me. i snuck along on a quest so i could save you, endangering myself immensely. i held the sky for you. when you talk about your crush on luke, i get jealous. beckendorf understood, but hes dead.”

“ikr we’re literally the best of friends”

“RIGHT”

also the first time we finished mark of athena we were in the same classroom and we individually dropped the book, stood up, looked at each other, and screamed “WELL FUCK YOU TOO RICK RIORDAN”

#public school #percy jackson #percabeth #my childhood #you dont have to read this but i felt like posting it lol #if you've read this far #i applaud you #thanks for listening to my meaningless shit #im gonna be a comedian #school #school stories #adhd #kind of

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fisherfurbearer · 4 years

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fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

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chonkyspacekitten · 4 years

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No reblog please

Idk i just wanna update on my life at the moment. Its been a while. I dont really like to talk about my relationship in public forums online and i also wanna give my mutuals an explantion for my splotchy texts cause i have like 80 something messages on here rn. Ive just been so busy and emotionally drained. Sorry if i message you after like a month, start a convo but then just trail off, then respond to that response 3 months later and trail off again-

sorry sometimes yall just miss my social window yall gotta be quicker😅😅😅

Kidding kidding, but once its closed, its closed until further notice. im sorry and im trying i cherish yall a lot, my mutuals and people i still text on here. But god texting has gotten so hard the past year idk why...

My regular texting sucks too so yall arent missing much btw but happy to obliged, it if anyones interest lol, along with my messenger im on FB a lot.

But anyways. My life for the past year.

Me and my girl are in the closet, everyone knows we are dating, besides her dad and town. He doesnt know and wow it feels like we're really getting away with something LMAO

We are long distance but we kinda do this back and forth thing whenever we can. Usually every 2-3 months. Like we'll stay at each other's houses for like weeks, and its become my 2nd home, and their parents love me, my dad loves her.

We are currently trying for jobs. We both have mental illness obvi, so its hard. Really really hard. But we are trying. We're saving up to move in together. Our situation isnt ideal rn we, dont really expect to even think about moving for about a year or 2, for multitude of reasons. It just isnt realistic.

I'm also trying for disability. Doing odd jobs like mowing the lawn...really relaxing.

Am In between saying fuck it and just getting a job RIGHT now or just waiting. I first applied for social security december of last year. Denied twice. Wish me luck, i may even have to get a lawyer.

Apparently you can have a job while on disability so long as you don't make too much money...and i want a job man, but with the way my mental state is...it would do me good to actually leave the house and try to get more human interaction besides just grocery shopping myself and going to the thrift shops by myself lol or the occasional movie outing with my gf

I now have a resume. And wanna work at the gas station, library and/or Dollar tree near me. All of which im pretty comfy at. Wish me luck.

My mental health recovery...this has been a year of breakthroughs man im really making strides

Im discovering more and more traumas. Learning how to deal with shit. Its been hell for my depression but ive been growing and evolving and becoming more in tune with myself and my emotions and shit

Me and my partner are doing okay. We are okay and healthy. They have a therapist too now!

We are doing so good. We are able to be so vulnerable with each other. We talk for hours until we figure out a miscommunication. She holds me like a baby, she just squeezes the pain out of me , ive never had anyone try to understand me the way Amy does. And i give the same back. I cant keep my eyes and hands to myself. I have to look away when i stare at her for more than 2 seconds, i just cant

My heart feels with so much joy that it scares me and it feels like im gonna burst

Ive never felt this way before, about anyone

My ex? Whos a guy? And any other person ive had interest in?

The fact that most of the people ive been into have all acted "feminine", been fellow genderqueer, but AMAB at the time, and 2 have both come out as trans girls at some point...shouldve been a sign lmao. But nope, "i like guys...i like girls but cant imagine myself being romantically involved with a girl, only sexual . Guys more so emotionally i guess. *has literally never imagined actively living with a man before, getting married. Didnt even want to meet my first bf irl. But looked at boobs and was that 12 year old with a lesbian porn and hentai tiddie addiction*....yes im straight :)"

Actually coming to the realization that i can have a wife...wow that shook me. Id never considered. Or thought realistic. i was "normal", what compulsory heterosexuality wanted me to believe.

Im still struggling coming to terms in my sexuality. Been in straight up denial since i was early teens but ive known i was different since 8. Im growing in this area too, im trying. We both are actually.

1 year, 7 months ❤

We are both genderqueer demisexual sapphics/wlw❤❤

To all my sapphics in the closet with partners, i wish to you my luck and blessings

We are allowed to be happy, no one can change us

We are allowed to have happy endings, and we can whether the straights like it or not.

Tl;dr: doin really good, hard year of growth but making strides in my sexuality, relationship, goals and ambitions. Pretty grand.

#me.txt #wlw positivity #mental illness positivity #good vibes #lgbtq #genderqueer #nonbinary

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twilight-orchid · 5 years

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TRIGGER WARNING BELOW:

Child abuse, drugs, alcohol,suicide, self-harm, me venting like a little bitch.

Me: I've finally been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, social paranoia, and PTSD and due to my delusions, anxiety, rapid mood shifts, and uncontrollable suicidal tendencies, I've decided to apply for disability under the suggestion of 3 separate mental health professionals so I can focus on getting well and don't get fired from anymore jobs.

My dad, who just got out of rehab for the 4th time LITERALLY yesterday: You can't have problems like this no one else in the family has issues. Why cant you get a job like a normal person? Why aren't you going to college?

Me:

My dad: you know, you may have PTSD. I mean, you're step dad was really harsh with punishment. That's why you moved in with me when you were ten. Nobody in your mom's house loved you. :)

Me, remembering my dad backhanding me, choking me, dragging me across the room by my hair, cussing me out every day, making me take my shirt off so he could "see me new bra", making me sleep in bed with him into my late teens, forcing me to get drunk and smoke with him, etc etc:

My dad, picking me up from the psych ward: I can't believe you tried to kill yourself. You're responsible for all the bills I get from this. Where the fuck did you learn all this shit anyway? I didn't raise you like this.

Me, remembering pulling a loaded gun out of his mouth, having to sit and listen to him drunkenly telling me the different ways he used to self harm, giving him reasons he shouldn't kill himself every night during his divorce:

My dad: I don't understand why you can't hold down a fucking job. You can't do anything right, can you?

Me, having just gotten fired bc my co-workers were afraid of him since he'd pick me up drunk and cuss me and them out in the parking lot:

My dad: I don't understand why you're so down on yourself, You're beautiful.

Also my dad: you shouldn't wear shorts or tank tops they really show how fat you are. you need to wear makeup anytime you leave the house no one wants to see that. Your glasses make you look dorky you shouldn't wear them. You need to have your hair done before you leave your room. Your features are too small for your face. Your body is built weird but at least you have nice boobs.

Me:

DISCLAIMER:

I'm okay and out of his house. I hope to start therapy soon. I'm just very angry with fresh wounds and am trying to find ways to vent. I've forgiven him and despite everything I love him, I just don't know how to handle my emotions.

#TRIGGER WARNING #Child abuse #drug use #alcohol #suicide #self harm

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pr0sciutt0 · 5 years

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just gonna answer some more anons about the plus size reader stuff below the cut so i don’t clog up the dashboards of all of u lovely followers and then regular service will resume!!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Yay!! Im so excited! Thank you for being willing to write for poc! Readers and im excited to read the fic you linked! As a plus size girl myself, Whenever I read fics where the reader is I cant help but feel more confident about the parts of me Im self conscious about. Also im so glad you write with us in mind ❤️❤️ and Ive got even more admiration for your work! That anon must not realize most fics are small figure based 🙄 im sure they can get over it. They were being rude.

representation is important!!! i have life experience of writing for characters with dysphoria and chubby characters and lots of others so seeing them represented makes me feel happy, and i’m glad i can do something for other ppl too!! just pls remember that i am white and i may very well fuck up so pls do not be afraid to call me out!!! <3

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Oh geez, there's plenty of reader fics I don't read because they don't apply to me (like of a specific gender or sexuality) but I just skip them and move on. There's still plenty of stuff out there! I also don't like going into detail about Reader's physical appearance, unless, like you said it's specifically asked for.

bird meme “i am uncomfortable when we are not about me???”. i like to write vague stuff so as many people can connect to it as possible! that’s why if i get an ask that’s very obviously for someone’s o/c or whatever i prefer not to answer it bc i want my content to be enjoyable for lots of people!!!

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Ive read your terzetto fic about a million times and even though its about a chubby reader you still dont describe the body THAT much like???? Anon just say you're fatphobic and move on

and its like. specifically THAT chapter. the body praise self-conscious chapter. i havent reviewed the others in a while so there might be more bigger readers but like, not all of them?! i try not to over-describe even for plus size reader’s bodies bc people carry their weights and stuff so differently! haz and i wear the same size in clothes but we carry our weight differently in different places so we look different!! i want people to Relate!!

jojotrashcan said to pr0sciutt0:Nat!! I just want to thank you for including a chubby reader in your works! As a certified fat gal (tm) it’s hard to identify with works of fiction, and it’s nice finally having something that reflects my body type! So just like a huge thank you from me! You know this already but I love and appreciate all you do for this community, and it always disappoints me to see someone send hate to some one who works so hard for us! Keep your chin up b/c I appreciate seeing diverse fiction!

i love u!!!! idk if i’ve mentioned before but what i want to do when i eventually Get Better At Not Letting My Mental Illness is work in a publishing house, specifically a YA imprint bc i’d like to make a push for more diverse heroines in ya lit!!! (i also wanna WRITE diverse ya heroines but u feel me, one thing at a time)

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:So God forbid someone write for different body types and races I low key just glaze over some fics cause you can tell who it's for even just with little hints of the body or skin type. Can't a girl a plus size girl be loved too by her fictional favorites :(

no . . . fat people . . . MUST BE UNHAPPY. ONLY WAY.

bubbleu said to pr0sciutt0:Let also include the fact that if in most even kdramas , anime, or any type of tv show or movie if it's a big girl she usually ends up having to lose weight for guys to even like her or even look her way so how dare people be inclusive in fics for fictional people you do you boo I'm happy you're writing for anyone literally fuck that puto

these people are not happy that i’m like a size 18 and my fictional boyfriends still love me. its SO RARE to find a fat gal character where her desire to lose weight isn’t a driving character force. and its always always always framed as a good thing. nobody addresses the original body dislike and just says “WOW IM SO GLAD YOURE NOT FAT ANYMORE” like that isnt gonna leave a lasting scar on the person’s psyche i just

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:F the hater, all my big ladies deserve to fantasize about their hot JoJo spouses too!

this is a BODY POSITIVE space. chubby gals and guys and nonbinary pals. skinny gals and guys and nonbinary pals! hyper femme, hyper masc, androgynous, ones with body hair or traditionally ugly features or visible disabilities or scarring or anything - ur jojo spouses love u

Anonymous said to pr0sciutt0:Anon mad that fat people enjoy stuff smh

local anon unhappy that they have found one fic that is not about them

babyybitchhh said to pr0sciutt0:Anon is an entitled ass and I implore you not to let that message get to you. As you said, mentally replacing words to better match your own physical descriptors is super easy but considering that you’re writing these scenarios for free, no one has the right to complain anyway.Like, at the end of the day its still YOUR writing even if your fulfilling a request and the author will always have final say on the finished product. Consider only writing chubby/fat reader from now on tbh ; )

i am pretty much usually imagining a chubby reader or a reader who looks like me. thats why i do it!!!! i honestly just cant imagine going into another writer’s ask and being like “hey you have given me this piece of backstory about this fic you wrote and i HATE IT, IMMEDIATELY DENOUNCE IT???

#nat.txt #fatphobia for ts///#i promise this is (probably) the last post!

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boojersey · 5 years

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VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

#LONG POST #KAY I LOVE U BUT HOLY SHIT MY FOLLOWERS ARE GONNA GET MOTION SICKNESS FROM SCROLLING PAST THIS AT LIGHTNING SPEED #saltwaterfox

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bignutspatrol · 2 years

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Venting. Cant really uh. Put a read more on mobile. Warning for really fucking bad parents

Man I just want to get an education and get out of this house but fucking everything requires something from your parents.. my mom doesnt even want to agree to me going out of town. If she was just concerned for m safety, maybe I would be okay with it, but she's just trying to keep a hold on me and I know it. "You'll die if you go out there!" Ma'am I am literally leaving america, where I can get shot at any time, to a place that doesnt even have guns or any particularly bad things like that (i mean theres a lot of sex crimes. But. At least i wont die???). "You're so spoiled you know if you leave you cant just get what you want" you literally starved me when I was a child and prevented me from getting physical therapy for my disability DESPITE HAVING A DEGREE IN PHYSICAL THERAPY AND KNOWING BETTER and told me if I disobeyed or asked for things I would lose my affected limb. Which. Literally wouldn't happen of course but like hell that didnt give me trauma.

Like I'm fully aware my family is poor, not the poorest, but still. But I'm going to a place that's extremely cheaper then america, on all counts, I've done my fucking math and I can pay for ALL YEARS IM THERE with my CURRENT savings, and that's excluding scholarships, some of which I am guaranteed to get and will cover some of the cost. Its not like it's a bad school either, its damn good and actually has what I want to do.

I know this is a bad idea, but its not like I have many choices? I just want out, and I want to pursue the career I want, and I know doing that would get me a stable damn job. I'm fucking competent and they really just don't want to acknowledge it.

Maybe itll be easier if I talk with my dad.i think I can get some of the things I need if I go through him... the other thing.. hm. If I cant, then. Maybe talking to mom more, maybe doing something morally dubious.

#donut are blog #mental abuse tw #abusive family tw #idk how rlsr to tag this.#ill figure something out but rn im just fucking frustrated by that conversation #and a lil bit scared from her being angry near me but mostly fucking pissed she tried to scare me into staying #i. just want to leave even more now.#before i was thinking of taking a break yrar but i mean... if ur gonna be like that....#ill get out somehow.#im aware leaving for a far away place with no real support system there is a bad idea #but like.#i dont want to be here. i dont havr any other way i can get out and still pursue what i want.#and its not like im. completely alone there. i do know people that live there but LOL like hell am i bringing up my social life #to someone who purposefully tried to sabotage it several times #she just wants me near her and doesnt care if im doing what i like or not #shes told me that much before. she planned on moving near me when i went to college originally.#j didnt find out until a few months ago.#at some point i should change my name....#after im completely independent. i think ill change it. and then just. not associate with them at all.#anyways.#sorry for all the tags im gonna go do something and get my mind off this bc i have no intentions on figuring out how #willing my dad is to help me atm. not a good idea to push that rn anyways. shes home.#tomorrow.#ill do that then.

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loyalbreed · 6 years

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Cent has decided to back away for the time being; because he feels that it is effecting people he has come to appreciate. That he doesnt know how to return such kindness that was given to him in full. And much like the beginning when the catfish thing first happened, he is overwhelmed and doesnt know where to begin to reach out to people. Again like the beginning, the only people who spoke to him about it wanting an answer. Were the people directly effected by it? Myself included, versus people who just kept using it against him? The Catfish thing was resolved and ended well between many people who were effected actually. The person who owns the blog that is being linked about him is scrambling to delete it since it was kept by her and a lot of others. To make sure it was out there that what had done, did happen. And that it wasn't over looked either; the fact Cent asked to keep that blog up. Should be important notion alone over who he is as a person. It was not to be brought up negatively again and used as a tool to populate someones obsession and anger over him. Since it seems to continue to happen by the same people staring a new issue every so often when he has people comfortably having fun with him. Which makes me upset because it seems that if a community is happy; unhappiness needs to happen.

I do not like long posts--and honestly this didnt stay short. But I want say how upset I am this happens again. Considering I was one of the close to him when Cent Catfished; its really stupid to see people who had nothing to do with him at the time. Bring this up as if they were really the ones effected most directly from it? Further you are bringing up bad feelings that many people have already come to let sit on their chest and deal with ultimately. To further delve into my own sense of okay this post is about me, even though this isnt. I need you all to know how Call Out Culture is ineffective and Bad. From my stand point with my experience I want to leave you with a short burst of information about myself and how we handle it along with DCF, a separate government branch, DDS, and her therapists. My sister is severely mentally disabled. For the rest of our lives we will be taking care of her. She cannot wash herself. She thinks that Star Scream from Transformers is real and often comes to talk to her. I told her once she couldnt date a toaster as a joke, and she threw the toaster at me screaming about it. She really thinks star scream is attractive, and often details herself with obsessions with Aliens and outer space. She thinks God is evil-- because God made her this way. And cant understand why that is a sad thing to say. She just gets frustrated; frustrated is her essence of living. And acting out on it is how she is derived of. To continue, she has pushed me down stairs. Abused me. Told me to die. Tried killing me several times. Has emotionally abused my little brother to the point we have a separate staff of people in and out of our house for him. This is nearly every day for me; every day it is. Is kayla alright? did she do something? Did she hurt someone? did she hurt herself? no? Good good. Today was a good day. How is this relevant toward this situation and pertaining toward things going on; the thing is rather then take my sister out of the house considering how constant this is. The government stresses on keeping her in the home and helping us all as a whole keep together. When a break is needed; and it can be afforded. She goes into Respite Program where she leaves for a week or so. She is actually going to one soon, and is very excited because they are going to go out a lot! To reiterate the government keeps disabled individuals who may be a threat to the family within the home. With emergency issues and things that need happen--and yes when she says she wants to kill you she means it. As someone she has tried to I can say that much alright. To make a point; People who are an issue you do not merely remove them and or kick them out. Indeed themes need be addressed and if their are serious manners of which Pedophila is being actually done then we and you. Need to contact police enforcement. They will take you seriously; it is a serious endeavor. You can involve Tumblr Staff as well, there are channels to pull with if there is something volatile that need be addressed. I implore you to. Yet often times it seems when posts are made, the latter is true. To highlight the issues where, Cent condones or romanticizes these things that are being said. If you read these rules it is not the case. He states that he will participate in these things but does not want just anyone asking him. Nor does he want anyone shipping with the character as he doesnt understand why it is you would? It is weird to think that from these text alone you would take context otherwise-- Especially knowing before this post was presented. Cent talked about how on his Bel blog he doesnt want to make people feel like his Bel is pushing on them or making them uncomfortable. And that he would never participate in noncon. Or that on King Arthur; he does not do any of these themes what so ever. That these themes are only present on the villainous character he does not even participate in roleplaying anymore. To round this over; it is getting upsetting seeing how this is effecting one another when the general idea is ‘ i just want to be happy and want people to talk/do things with.’ Rather then ‘ i want nothing to do with this person. ‘ So many people are stressed out and want to talk to cent. Reach out to Cent. But are constantly being told otherwise; its sad and im happy to know that people exist out there that know in actuality how dealing with problems work. Versus adhering the idea that you need kick someone out. I fear those people. Because i fear letting my sister do something around someone and someone not understanding and condoning her for it when they only have a minuscule of the story. Seeing as people cant even understand someone who makes sense how would you understand someone like my sister? Its cool you can say now ‘ oh But no we arent talking about that. ‘ Yet the only reason why you can feel this way is because you know the story behind my sister, many of you dont know anything about Cent save for interacting with him and that he makes you laugh. So Im going to Tell you one thing about Cent that for me now that you know my story makes me happy to share. Seeing that Cent came out from such a bad place, being such a bad person, doing such horrible things but choosing to do better made me believe in others again. It made me believe that even if my sister does all the things she does. There is always a spot and place for her to truly come about and make a better decision too. True, Cent is a more able bodied man and isnt disabled like my sister. But its just the fact that he does and he could and he can. That makes me believe anyone can. It makes me feel like no matter who you were in the past; you can always chose to be better then that. And no matter how many times or who wants to believe who you are in the past dictates who you are in the future. Wont ever mean as much; That anyone despite the things they have done can always chose to be a better person then what they had been. And cent really does solidify that fact. As someone who knew him from the time as a cat fished. That got catfished by him. Literally back stabbed by him. Only to come down and talk again as friends. I feel like I get to say that not anyone else, and Im really glad to be able to say that lmao. He is my closet friend and will always remain to be. I don’t mind if you feel you do not want to talk to me or think I romanticize his issues as someone who has gone through so much. So much and more, you would not begin to understand. I feel you are more then welcome to believe that but I know there are people who talk to him and know what he does and feels the same. And are comfortable with the rounded world they have created with friends. And I really ( SHOUNEN VOICE ) I really just believe in people--people change. And Cent makes me realize that this is possible. And you cant just remove people out of your life thinking they wont. And because I know better and because I am an adult with my head well on my shoulders. I can make that decision, i understand if you cannot yet or are afraid or uncertain. I implore you to keep yourself safe just know that some of us feel chill. and we are all alright btw!! So dont feel like we are being attacked or manipulated by cent.

But I insist you stop thinking that trying to get rid of someone is going to solve an issue. People continue living and breathing every day regardless of what you think or want to happen? No one is ignoring the issues or ignoring the fact that stuff happened if you are scared or uncertain as well about them feel free to add me and we can always group convo and you can let your feelings bare. Or anyone really? just be mindful and fair?

This isnt going to make Cent come back i really just feel like. I want these feelings to be known and that if you are ever called out personally I will gladly give you a chance of your own. I can only hope to god, that he would give that chance to my sister one day if something happened. And to anyone and everyone, as well as teach other people that everyone deserves that much.

#「✱《 𝓢 𝓱 𝓮 s p e a k s 》 ᵒ ᵒ ᶜ」#This is indeed about what you think it is #so its under read more #though i apologize to mobile users #i ask that you no need to comment on this and not #i merely wish for this to be as it is and if the other party who has started the issue continues #they can continue to comment on it as it seems to effect them the most in current #otherwise iwish to just let this be known #somewhere

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malicemizer · 3 years

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like ok, im gonna rant for a minute so under the cut we go

i was having a conversation w my cousin, who i love dearly and hes cool and we relate to each other on a lot of things, but god. hes so fucking clueless. i said something earlier today on discord to him about how im feeling lost because im going into my 4th year of university and i know i need to get my shit together and put my best foot forward from now on. he said he was thinking about going to university but didnt feel like it. then he said he just figured he could work at walmart or smth and be happy that way. and im like uh if you wanna leave your parents house then thats probably not the best idea (mind you hes legit like a week away from having a degree in cybersecurity, hes 26, hasnt worked since his last job which was for 3 months at scentsy, and lives w his parents who have never asked for a thing from him) and hes like oh well you can make 1900 something a month working at walmart for 15/hr, like how much is rent. and im like ahahahahh because 1 walmart will not let you get 40 hours a week so prepare to get multiple jobs 2 rent is not nearly as cheap as you think it is and because of how old you are they likely wont want to rent to you because you have no history. anywho. he said maybe hed get a camper and just travel and im like [shudders] bc my life was so unstable growing up and I've literally had to couchsurf before and stay in hotels because we didnt have anywhere to go so living in a camper sounds awful. ahem. and then im like oh apr on those is kinda bad depending on your credit and hes like oh my credit and history is p good. and im like oh yeah, mines not bc i had a medical debt on my credit for over a year so it sucks now. and then he just said that he wanted freedom.

like is it just me, am i overreacting, am i thinking too much about this. I just cant help but feel like this whole conversation considering the context is absolutely ridiculous. like mans doesnt know anything about working, renting, money. nothing. he spends all his god damn money on crypto currency and computer parts to upgrade his computer so he can mine faster. he has a literal collection of old Macs, and he'll be like oh its only x amount of money. and i just sit there and im thinking that would legit pay for my internet/power/a fraction of my rent. how can you sit there and pay $700 for a video card out of your student loans and just not think about it. i realize ive fucked up too and ive made choices that werent the best but i also have actual responsibilities. he doesnt pay for anything besides his phone bill. like. literally. i just dont understand. how can two people who share a set of grandparents be so incredibly different. maybe im just envious? maybe im just going thru shit in my own head thats making me wish i could just not care about anything at all 24/7. im just so wrapped up in my head all the time, ive had so many medical problems that were never addressed when i was a child, i grew up mentally ill and eventually digressing into disability, i was neglected and abused by my mom and abandoned by my dad. and even now, my dad is an alcoholic who doesnt care who he hurts. im just so angry with my situation and i just want to scream so bad. what the fuck what the fuck what the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFU

#abuse ment #ranting dont read if you dont want to

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tenacioushotmess-blog · 6 years

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Hot Mess Origins: Love is dumb, but I’m dumber

I realized I was in love with Will 4 months in. We were at Karaoke, something we did every Thursday. I was watching him sing “Age of Aquarius”, he was running around the bowling alley bar and singing to random people, dancing, and in general being a showman. Then about halfway through he realized he didnt know the words, just “let the sunshine in”. Which he said over and over, playing it up. That was when I realized I was in love with him. Of Course I didn’t tell him, he told me he didn’t believe in that type of love. That he had never been in love and didn’t think he ever would be. His best friend, whom I confided in, warned me never to expect it. So I kept it to myself.

5 months in Will got sick. I convinced him to call in sick, and tried my best to nurse him to health. I even took him to the urgent care, they said it could be pneumonia, and prescribed him a medication for that. I paid for all of it, and reminded him to take it for the 4 days it was prescribed. He started to get a little better, than all of the sudden worse. The night he got worse his brother came screeching up the driveway and came in in a panic as I was convincing Will to let me take him to the hospital. He pushed me out of the way and said something along the times of me not helping his brother. I stood in shock. Jake grabbed his brother and forced him out of the house into his car, where he took him to the hospital. They told him he had pneumonia, gave him more medicine. Two days later Will was in the ICU, is lungs had filled with fluid and he got ARDS, almost dying. I was told and went to the ICU. His family was weird with me, considering they said I could be there. At one point, while I was next to his bed, I told Will (who was still under medical coma) that I loved him. And that I would be his advocate no matter what.His Fam kept talking about Will as if he was a child. And that he was going to die. I tried my best to be positive but the fact that they kept talking about him like he was a moron was really grating on me. we were a couple days into this, Will was still under medicated sedation, when his brother explained to me what would happen If Will got better. Which was they were going to make him quit his job (?????), move back home (!?!?!??!!) and go on permanent disability. because, you see, Will was mentally disabled and when he woke up they would once again remind him of all that.(???!!!!!!?????????!!?!?!) I told them Will was an adult (PLEASE remember he was 28 at this time) and that it should be his decision. I told them he was actually quite capable of being an adult, and surviving on his own as he had done for multiple years now, and that telling him he was incapable of taking care of himself wouldn't help him get better.They got incredibly mad, which I could almost understand if they weren’t LITERALLY SAYING THEIR VERY OBVIOUSLY NOT MENTALLY CHALLENGED FAMILY MEMBER WAS MENTALLY CHALLENGED, or, in their words, “mentally retarded”. You should note that Will had already admitted to me a few weeks previous that his family lied to him and told him until he was 25 he was incapable of getting a drivers license because a) he was too mentally challenged and b) too blind. He mentioned it to his Doctor when he was 25 he was basically like “lol what? no you’re fine to drive.” He got his license and then proceeded to not use it or let people really know about it, as he had no car and also liked to be shuttled around.

I was banned from the hospital and pissed, because suddenly all of Will’s faults were starting to make sense. You cant know empathy when your family has none to teach. So the day before Christmas Eve, I was banned. I got INSANELY drunk, and made myself sick. My mom had to pick me up and take care of me. It was a low point. A few days later Will woke up. I tried getting in touch with him but was unable. When he was released from the hospital I was allowed to go see him. he wouldn’t touch me or talk to me, and he wouldn't make eye contact. I was devastated. I tried talking to him a few times, but he was staying at his fathers and hard to get in touch with. The couple times we spoke he was even more of an asshole than usual. I tried to think he was just recovering, but felt his family must have said things. Finally I got him on the phone a couple weeks later. I was pissed. Sick or no, I didnt deserve this cruel treatment. he was commenting and talking to others on facebook, and people posted pictures of them visiting him. I asked him what the fuck his problem was. He told me he didn’t like how I treated his family. I asked him what he was talking about. The moment he woke up, it turns out, they told him to leave me. That I had tried to keep him from them (this never happened). that I had called them names (this also never happened). They also said I said mean things about him (I never said a single thing about him that was negative.) I told him that was all bullshit and told him what really happened. He said that didn’t match what his family told him at all, and I reminded him that while I have never lied to him, his family certainly had. I then told him to check with his best friend, who was there for most of it. He did and my story was corroborated. He didn’t tell his family off for lying about me, just said he decided not to leave me. They yelled at him, and his broker tried to bribe him with an ipod. This will remain one of the only times he semi stood up for our relationships, but he basically said his mind was made up and left it at that. In the mean time, they did successfully convince him to apply for permanent disability as well as social security. He applied under the grounds of mental incompetency and blindness. His IQ test came back slightly above average, and his vision was only bad enough to require night driving in fog glasses if he so wanted. He didn’t. Needless to say, his claims were soundly rejected. When he informed his mom, all she said was “Well, at least we know you arent retarded now.” Yeah, his family has a lot of moment like that. so get used to it. Looking back, I should have ran for the hills then. I should have known his family would always be an albatross to our already unlikely happiness. But my lesson is learned---I will NEVER again seriously date someone whose family doesn’t like me, and/or whom I hate. Obvious, I know, but like I said Love might be fucking stupid, but I was.....am....infinitely more stupid.

#broken marriage #relationshit #horrible family #abusive family

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grouptres · 4 years

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ESSAYS

The Same Story

Everything happens in a reason. If God give you that blessed it, God give you that struggle because he surely knows that your mistake becomes a lesson for you. He surely know that you can do it.

Abortion is not literary good especially is a biggest sin that God never forgive you. I have a friend do this but for the sake of the baby were friend of that girl is er in side to help her and advice.

Dog Days Starlit Nights

Having a pet or not respect animals because they have feeling also, they hurt, they feel the air, the warmth the cold and sometimes they feel you. There’s so much way to teach your pet. Our pet becomes our family our friend also. They see you, they hear you and yet don’t understand what is your talking but the words you open is the one who knows to feel your feelings inside. The special thing is they can appreciate your care and they comfort the way not people do.

Bipolar, Lithium, Suicide and the last year of My Life

I wasn’t expecting the most cheerful and always happy but its all faked and have a masked outside. A mask that keep your real feelings, a mask that you can wear every other day to hide your pain, deep thoughts and suicidal thoughts, your angry even your doubt. Yes, she looks happy and fine but when she’s alone, put out the mask then cry at nights and asking herself why did she deserve this kind of pain. While the day passed she passed also.

The Matt of Marriage

When you marriage and choose that parent don’t step back because challenges tried you. Buy the point is why would we marriage if we don’t actually sure to our partner. Yet it’s because we don’t have choice or just because business part. Many of businessman do this because of money. But in this our country Philippines divorce is not good to people because we respect our promises infront of God.

On the way down

Sometimes, I was guessing why would my mom choosen my name and when did she got it maybe it’s reflects something or she wants also. We’ve known that many of Filipinos got their name with different ways. So what Gabriel like he did in story because of curiousity.

-Apple Joy V. Lucas

(Dog Days and Starlit night)

My Relationship with my Pet

My dog is naturally my favorite person to be around and my favorite person in general.He doesn't tell me "no" and he'll never turn down going for a run.I know that he will always love me no matter what and he will never turn his back on me.whenever I'm having a bad day, he'll still come up to me wagging his tail,makung my day ,he still manages to make those even better.He will always be that consistent person in my life who will never go anywhere,even though I might leave at times.You know what they say:"Home is wherever you're with your dog.

The Same Story

The mean mumber of reasons was nearly four.three quarters said that having a baby would interfere with work,school or other responsibilities about two thirds said they did not want to be a single parent or had relationships problem

-Shara Mae C. Palacpac

THE SAME STORY

Being pregnant at a young age is very hand. I can say that it is hand not because i already experience it,its because I know someone who experience the same is the story,but not all the literation. in the story two young women are pregnant at the sametime by the same man and they are the same aborted.In our community two young women get pregnant at the same time but they are pregnant at young age.

Bipolar, lithuim,suicide,and the lost years of my life

I had summer job last vacation in the victoria municipal hall and while i am working for a while at a SPES(special program employment for students) I discovered that the department these for those people with because it is my first time to encounter like that. I thought people with disabilities can't do work cant do study,cant do anything that we can do and i am so judgemental on that part.

Dog days and starlit nights

The scene was straight from a click flick movie. I was his heroine,his squiot,and he glady jumped into the truck and sat beside me as though we were destined to be together,The area is a common clumpsite for the unwanted,and judging by the visible outline of his ribcage and suken eyes,my new pet had seen better days.

The math marriage

The best thing in your life is when you are going to marriage.This is the best thing that you have,you are get a life and you create a family. Relationship with your wife is very memorable into your life you will have each other and create a moments with your wife. The best relationship is your family,because family is very strong relationship with you.When you have a of famliy you create a memories with them and create a love them.

On the way down

Every people is deserve a name and you will net identify yourself without you name.Name is very important to us.If you have not name you do not yourself,in the story the girl who named jonabel was didn't like her.

-Kaycee Mataga

The Same Story

Abortion refers to the termination of a pregnancy by removing or expelling the fetus or embryo from the uterus before it is ready for birth. Abortion is a grave sin against God because , you deny the right to live with a child without knowing why he or she has died. Today , abortion is a big issue concerning women because for years it had been said that abortion should be leg . May people don't know what abortion is , who can receive abortions, and why people would even choose to get them . First of all ,before a person makes a decision about abortions ,they should know exactly what it is. Second , not every one is able to receive abortions. Third, not everyone gets and abortions for the same reason. Hopefully before doing such a thing think carefully and do the right thing.

"Bipolar, Litium suicide and the lost of my life"

I have never had a person who was known bipolar illnesses or depression in his or her life. It alsl becomes a problem for most people. There's no pleasure or joy in life. A person with depression may not enjoy things they once lived and my feel like nothing can make them happy. Concentration or focus becomes harder. Making any kind of decisions , reading or watching TV can seem racing with depression because people can't think clearly or follow what's happening.

Dog days and starlit nights

Pet relationship are an important part of our lives. My relationship with my dog was more like a friend rather than pet. I treat him well and not others. I treat him as my youngest brother. I feed him at the right time and I will be with him very well. Let me talk about my dog as it's always more very good to my heart. He was so very good at fetch and loved running all day. He was so loyal. To me, you weren't just a dog. Thank you for being in my life. I love my dog.

The Matt of Marriage

To couples it is inevitable that they will not understand especially the things that cause them to quarrel . This conflict is affecting not only the couple bug also the children. The quarrel between couple also causes divorce. The more it affects their children. Who would have preferred to fix it rather than finish it all. Although, the church is against divorce, it should still be legalized in the Philippines because it is beneficial to battered wives,couples, with unhappy marriages,and the children of separated couples. People who are against divorce believe that it gives a wider path for immorality and marital infidelity. For me, this statement is absurd because it is the choice of a man or woman to stay loyal to their spouse. Any law will not affect va persons faithfulness and truthfulness for his or her husband or wife. Again , if the couple truly loves each other they will not be affected with the legalization of divorce.

On the way down

My childhood memory when I was looking for something but couldn't remember where I was . There are things that I forget where I put them but that doesn't means it's too much to forget something. There are people like this who also experience forgetting something. There are also people who are worse off in this situation of the type who can't really remember everything when it hurts.

-Marjorie Grospe

THE SAME STORY I've been watched to the movie that has a women who pregnant the time was a teenager because she sleep in the house of his boyfriend and then they have happened to the both of them and after that happened,a few months ago the dirl was not withdraw her menstruation and she decided to used a pregnancy test and the result was positive and after that she decided to tell his boyfriend that she is pregnant but his boyfriend was pretend that he is not the father of the baby because he is not ready to have a own family.After a few months the girl was decided to tell her parents that she is pregnant and the reaction of her parents was angry because she is not follow the rules of her parents but her parents has accepting her because it happened that they would back the day that she is not pregnant.I should say,before you decided in your doings to your decision,think first what happened to the result of your actions. BIPOLAR,LITHIUM,SUICIDE,AND THE LOST YEARS OF MY LIFE Last year I've been watched MMK,not totally the same to the stories of Bipolar,Lithium,Suicide,but in other scene have the same situation,during his childhood,she struggled a lot from his father,like she punched,kicked,when his father has drunked.However,after how many days she decided to go her auntie to continued her studied at Maynila,she represent her school as a president and luckily after election on her school she won that position as president.After that,she bullied of her other parties,that they said she don't deserve that position.After she bullied she go to the comfort room the lucked the door and she totally cried because of she said of her competency.That incident,sometimes she not entered her class because of her think that they laughed her.After how many days she decided to entered in her school and she bullied again.After that incident,she decided to go to at CR to killed herself through suicide,but after then,she didn't continued to suicide because have a one student saw what her doing at CR.One day she go to psychiatris to checked up what happened on his condition or behavior.After that the result woukd be issued by the doctor and based kn the checked up of the doctor she has a bipolar behavior.I should say,always pray to God. DOG DAYS AND STARLIT NIGHTS MY CAT I have a cat named kitty this cat is my favorite pet because she gaved me a beautiful day.So in everyday before I lived my room in the morning she's their to play with me.In every moment that we had together it is a precious because this pet is so adorable and cuttiest pet.I love this pet because it is sweet to me.Befor I leaved the house I huged and kissed her because yhis pet need my attention on how I treated as my sister.So much so on this pet I loved the way when she play with me because when I play to my cat my tiredness was gone THE MATH OF MARRIAGE I've been watched the movie.That movie have a women who married the men that she didn't deserve a love.That happened,they're always been fight to each other and sometimes has a misunderstanding.That women decided -KAYLA NARTATES

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gryffon · 7 years

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gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement.

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely. this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

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