#i am hopeful that its a fallout situation in that
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for all its (apparently many?) flaws, i really enjoyed the fallout show, and i'm ride or die for maximus, obviously. but one of the things i enjoyed about lucy's arc isn't that she wasn't necessarily proved RIGHT or WRONG about her own moral code, she didn't learn that either kindness is its own reward or that niceness is suicidal in a fight for survival.
what she learned, i am pretty sure, is that context matters. you can't actually help people if you don't know anything about them. you can't enact justice if you don't know what the case on trial is. you can't come in out of nowhere and make snap decisions and be anything more than one more complication in a situation that was fucked up long before you were born.
that's what we see over and over: she comes in out of nowhere, she makes an attempt to help based on her immediate assumption of what's going on, and then everything continues to be dangerous and complicated and fucked up. she doesn't let the stoners explain that some ghouls will genuinely try to eat you the minute they get the chance, and she pays for it. she jumps to the wrong conclusion in vault 4 because not everyone who looks like a monster IS a monster, and she pays for it. yeah a lot of the time cooper is abusing her for his own satisfaction, but when she's a free agent she's a loose canon and it's not because the show is punishing her for TRYING to do the right thing. it's because the show is punishing her for jumping to conclusions.
this show gets a lot of laughs from Fish Out Of Water situations, but i think that even though cooper explicitly says "you'll change up here and not for the better, you'll become corrupted and selfish just to survive" that's not the real message. what lucy learns is how important it is to hear people out, meet them where they're at, and get the full story.
that's why the final confrontation with her father is so important. she hears everyone out. she gets the full story. she listens to all of it. and then she acts with full knowledge of situation. that's what the wasteland taught her: not to be cruel, not to be selfish, but that taking the time to understand what's actually going on really matters.
this is a show that's incredibly concerned with truth and lies. everyone is lying to each other and themselves. scenes change over and over as they're recontextualized. love and hate and grief and hope are just motives in a million interconnected shell games, not redeeming justifications. maximus's many compounded falsehoods are approved of by his own superior, who finds a corrupt pawn more useful than an honorable one. cooper finds out his wife has her own private agenda and this betrayal keeps him going for centuries. lucy's entire society is artificial and from the moment they find out they're not safe and maybe never have been, all the vault dwellers are scrambling to deal with that.
ANYWAY. i just think it's neat. sci fi is a lens to analyze our present through a hypothetical future, and i think it's pretty significant for this current age we live in, where we're all grappling with misinformation, conspiracy theories, propaganda, and deepfakes, there's a huge anxiety over how hard it can be to find the truth out about anything. i think the show suggests that it's always worth the work to try.
#fallout#ive seen critiques that it's fascist and reactionary and i can't speak to that#since i don't play the games#but for what i saw i liked it and thought it made some good points#spoilers
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Fuck it, I'm throwing my hat on the ring about the Emil announcing Nate from Fallout 4 is the bystander Soldier in the Fallout 1 opener.
First and foremost, it was a stupid thing to say. As he backtracks to later, the conceit of Fallout's protags is they are supposed to be anyone (and that issue is precisely why some people hate the extensive prewar character background given to you in Fallout 4). For the lead writer to pull a JK Rowling (why would you do that? None of those went over well) is such a major marketing misstep that it wouldn't surprise me if Emil gets reprimanded for it before we even get into the implication of what he said.
Emil your voice is as good as God when it comes to the canon. You can't just say shit like that and expect it to go well. Especially considering the implications.
Speaking of the implications, I'm not mad about Nate being a war criminal. It's a coloring I actually would welcome if the games discussed concepts like Capitalism, Racism, and War in any meaningful way anymore. And if Emil also didn't say this.
Fallout's canon is rooted in reality. That is part of its whole thing. It's fun to do goofy shit like becoming the Silver Shroud and having a make believe superhero fight with the Mechanist or write a woman obsessed with Nuka Cola so much she traverses two games to basically kidnap the CEO's cryogenically preserved head so she can talk to him for all eternity, but the setting is very much rooted in reality.
You aren't dealing with fictional countries, you aren't dealing with fictional races, you aren't dealing with fictional hypotheticals. That is The Elder Scrolls job. You are dealing with actual countries, actual racism, actual history, and actual fucking politics. You have to be mindful of what you are doing and saying. You can't just do things because it's an interesting plot device without first thinking about the implications.
Fallout's world is a heightened version of our own, a path we seem to stumble towards with ever passing year unless we do something about it. It fucking sucks. I'm sure writing it feels like prophesizing the future and eats your soul a bit. It would mine. But that doesn't mean Fallout can just take a sharp left in terms of story and reality and get away with it.
To have Nate be the bystander Soldier and then meet him when he has a very good thing going for him (an expensive house during an inflation crisis, a robot butler, he gets into a vault for free for fucks sake) very much speaks to life rewarding him for his crimes. There is no hatred in his words when he looks at the flag of the country that made him kill innocents. His speech is speaks of remorse for leaving his family and the cycle of war, it does not speak of the horrors. Of watching you comrades bleed out in the Anchorage snow. Of the scream of shells overhead. Of the fear in civilians eyes as your buddy puts a bullet between them.
You all have to see how it looks like the man is fine with what he had to do during the war, right?
Not interacting with these concepts enough paints a picture of apathy and acceptance. In this day and age where being keeping the government honest and responsible for their actions is so important, that isn't going to slide without it being EXTREMELY purposeful, which it is not. It's tone deaf and lazy.
I respect a lot of what Emil has done in the past, but I am not above keeping him culpable when he has something so delicate in his hands. I hope this situation is what he needed to get his head on straight, or is the light bulb moment where he realizes he needs to pass the torch onwards. There is no shame in subject matter becoming too much as time goes on. There is shame in letting a previously critical series become the very thing it was criticizing.
He is going to keep getting dragged until he realizes that or he manages to convince the fans to be complicit in the degradation of setting. In doing so he is going to lose Bethesda most of its biggest fans who well and truly love the series and what it stands for.
But that's just my take, and I'm just a kid who studies polisci and history and can't shield myself from the inherent horror of nuclear war no matter how much I try.
War really never changes
#fallout#fallout 4#fo4#fallout new vegas#fallout 3#fallout 2#fallout tv series#fallout tv show#emil pagliarulo#bethesda
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OHENSBNDMDNG okokokok let me tell you a story. While thinking back on brozone's flashback at the start of band together, my mind fell on grandma Rosie Puff, and how I've come to be really intrigued in her. How did she end up having to raise all of brozone on her own? Where the hell are their parents? But most importantly, how can we make one of the only other character traits of hers that have not much to do with brozone have some sort of hidden lore to it? I'm talking about the scene where she shows to be very very enthusiastic and serious about rummy, and supposedly other gambling games.
And for a while I've been SUCKIJG AND CHEWING on that crumb of bread. LITERALLY.
What could this mean for the world of trolls? Does gambling exist within singular troll genre clans? Orrrrr is there some sort of clandestine gambling world going on outside of the old troll tree where trolls of all different backgrounds and obscured pasts come together to gamble together? What the hell am I on?
But anyway! That thought never really went anywhere. It just stood in my mind. But I had no idea what to do with it.
And then.... Your trolls Royal Flush au came out of NOWHERE.
I've only just started reading the Google doc and I've gotten past the adaptation of brozone's fallout and, I just gotta say that I really appreciate you giving Rosiepuff a whole lot more autonomy and control over a bad situation. Instead of just staying in one place, where she barely made any huge life decisions that affected Branch (other than sacrificing herself) and having a very vague picture of what kind of person she was, this single paragraph in your Google doc about what she and branch did after brozone disbanded has done A WHOLE TON OF HEAVY LIFTING TO CHARACTERIZE HER THAT I REALLY, REALLY HOLD DEAR.
How she probably became a beam of hope to little baby branch after realizing his brothers are never coming back.
How her bold decision to completely change her and branch's life for a better future, makes her a strong, determined, and confident person.
How... She must've been the ONLY PERSON in Branch's life he could still rely on at that point.
Its just... I've known this lady for a single paragraph but her death just means so much more, and HURTS so much more. Dying in the place she used to thrive in.
SUDDENLY THIS BEAM OF HOPE, THAT WAS THE MAIN SOURCE OF BRANCH'S STRENGTH was taken away from him. So suddenly. So unexpectedly.
I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF
Sorry I went on and on about a character who had one paragraph dedicated to her.
But she also got one paragraph
So therefore she's worth talking about.
In trolls one, we're supposed to care about Grandma Rosiepuff's death because of her assumed importance to Branch without really knowing ANYTHING about her.
But in this AU, you just painted such a clear image of her, we knew her for one paragraph but we also realized she's all that Branch had for a good portion of his lonely childhood. So much more than just one scene of her being taken by a berger, than just one paragraph.
Just!!!!!!!!!! I'm happy I'm really happy with what you did with Rosiepuff. Slay in peace, sweetheart.
BUT NOT JUST THAT-
THIS ENTIRE AU'S WORLD BUILDING.... Is really really thorough!!!!! Like!!!!! It's so well done!!!!! I loved the introduction to the world at the start of the Google doc, AND I LOVED HOW YOU INCORPORATED THIS WORLD BUILDING FOR ROSIEPUFF'S BACKSTORY.
AGHJHHHH I NEED TO CONTINUE READING
Thank you if you went this far!!!!! You deserve roses for all the amazing work you have ever put out into this world big or small, I'm excited to see where this goes.
🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
THANK YOU SO MUCH AAA!! yeah i knew that if i was doing a big casino au i couldnt NOT give grandma rosiepuff some connection to it i mean come ON!! i think thats generally a big overarching theme of how the city of luxgoode takes advantage of vulnerable people and like, taunting them as if risk can make their dreams come true. people will ruin their own lives if they can save the ones they love, even for some of the casino owners (gristle and creek obvi but i think even chaz is a lower rung in this system, it goes up to the 1% mount rageons, especially and mostly v&v's parents)
i also just. love the idea of brozone sharing traits w their grandma. jd may have pulled a lot of the weight but she did raise them too!
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One thing I hope they explain sometime down the line, if not in season 2 then in seasons 3 or 4, is the whole fallout between Blitz and Barbie
We know that fire that Blitz caused on accident killed their mom, but I wonder whether there is more to it than it meets the eye. I'll elaborate on that thought right now.
In episode 6 of season 2 we heard that someone blocked Blitz from seeing Fizz in the hospital and the same person told Fizz Blitz didn't ever come to see him and from the season 2.5 trailer, we saw that the person actually preventing them from seeing each other was probably Blitz's dad, Cash.
Secondly, we see that Barb doesn't really have bigger scars on her body compared to Blitz who was in the middle of the fire when it started, which leads me to believe that Barb maybe wasn't in direct line of fire or was not in the circus when the fire broke out.
Now, we don't need to question why this tragedy would lead into Barb's heavy life battle, she lost her mom in the most horrific way possible, but one thought just doesn't want to leave me since the moment I watched "Unhappy Campers"
The way Barb talks to Blitz and how she avoids him, even telling him how he ruined her life, is very telling to me for some reason. Its not a secret that Cash hated his son, so I wouldn't put it past him to turn Barb against Blitz with his many manipulation tactics (which we saw he's capable of in the backstory episode when he sold Blitz to Goetia). Also, I am a firm believer, at least from what we saw from Cash, that he was way more pissed about his circus and main cash cow (Fizz) being destroyed/hurt rather than being furious and sad because his wife just died and his own twins are probably traumatized.
So yeah, I truly believe that in his pissy and petty revenge, Cash decided to make everyone hate Blitz, even Barbie
This makes their whole situation that more heartbreaking for two other reasons: due to her dad's possible manipulation, Barb probably truly believes Blitz burnt down the circus out of jealousy towards Fizz which also killed their mom and caused many more casualties, so I understand her obvious and heavy disdain for her brother.
Secondly, knowing Blitz's tendency to self-sabotage, he doesn't even try to deny that the whole incident is his fault when Barbie calls him out and tells that she hates his guts to his face
But, because we saw a certain progress, mostly in a way how Blitz explained to Fizz what actually happened and how he finally defended himself, I have faith something like this might also happen with Barbie. I just hope we get to see it sooner rather than later.
I want for Blitz to start healing properly and one of the best ways for that is him finally explaining to Barb what actually happened that night.
#helluva boss#helluva blitzo#helluva barbie wire#helluva boss blitz#helluva boss theory#blitzø#barbie wire
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Chenford REWIND- Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 2 Ep 10, 11, & 12
This feels like a lot to put into one Meta. But, since I'm chunking these out and taking requests, it makes sense to me. Yes, "Day of Death" is a defining Chenford episode. But I feel like you need the context of what lead up to it and the fallout on the other side to fully understand its impact and discuss it.
SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to be spoiled, you don't want to read this. While I do write these as though I'm watching the episodes for the first time and try not to let fore-knowledge come into play, I will be spoiling these episodes in their entirety and everything that came before.
All squared away? Alright, lets dive in.
The Dark Side
"The single men in LA suck. Every time I go out on a date, and they find out that I'm a cop, they just get scared off." ... "Look, those aren't men. Those are boys, okay? Real men are not afraid of strong women."
Heck, yeah, they aren't! Lucy, honey, I get that it's tough out there for you, right now. But someday there will be a single man in LA who doesn't suck and isn't afraid of strong women. You'll see.
But right now, you're looking for anyone who isn't a total dud, and I get that.
"...dating a civilian is a bad idea." "I was told dating cops was a mistake. What am I supposed to do, join a nunnery? Sister Office Lucy Chen?"
I'm so glad I wasn't drinking anything the first time I heard this line because there would have been soda everywhere. My husband heard the line over my shoulder and cracked up, too.
And you might be thinking, "Why is she going into all this? Tim and Lucy are nowhere near ready for romance". Welp, I want to show Lucy's mentality in this episode and will explain once we get to 2x11 how it feeds into the situation and the mis-read from Tim.
"Look, no, I'm saying that right now end of shift means leaving the job behind when you go home. But in success, each one of you is gonna catch cases that kick your ass, that consume your every waking thought. And non-cops won't be able to identify. Worse, they're gonna resent you for caring more about the dead than the living."
It's an interesting thought, and for those of us in Season 5, there's a lot to consider, here. I mean, Lucy was cautioned against dating cops, but Isabel and Tim were Rookies and nobody gave him crap about it, from what we know.
Look, I'm not sorry Lucy and Nolan broke up. But, I do think Lucy should consider dating another cop down the line. *cough* Tim *cough*
"Caleb." "Lucy."
It's a chance meeting at the right time. Lucy is on the hunt for a non-mutant man in Los Angeles, and she ends up at the bar with someone who seems semi-safe.
After the conversation she just had with her friends, we can see she really wants to be with someone.
"I was in college when they found the first victims. It was all anyone talked about. That, and how could a woman be so barbaric." "I worked one of the scenes, fourth victim, Lisa Cruz. Homicide detectives warned me not to look at the body. Should've listened."
I love how they're speaking to one another so openly about the whole thing. There's an ease to how they're walking side-by-side that feels lived-in. Yes, he's still her TO, but this is a glimpse at the other side of him—the one that knows how to have a conversation without screaming or scheming.
"Caleb, from the bar last night... I hope this isn't weird, but you left with your perp before I had a chance to ask for your number."
Tim is giving this guy the side-eye. Look, we are nowhere near romance for this pair, but Tim has come to care about Lucy. He wouldn't call her a friend, yet, but they're definitely on their way.
And Lucy's picking up on Tim's hovering, but I don't think either of them could pick up on the why. My husband swooped in to offer his opinion that Tim picked up bad vibes, but wrote it off because it made him look jealous. I don't think he's far off.
I think Tim was being a little protective. Not necessarily because of romance (everything with Isabelle is very fresh at this point). But, while Lucy is still his "Boot", she is crossing that line more and more towards "friend". Tim cares about what happens with Lucy.
He's trying to watch out for her, but she doesn't want a chaperone. For goodness sake, she's a grown woman, right?
"We don't call them perps." "Right, sorry. Anyway, this is my number. If you ever feel like waiting in vain for a drink, give me a call."
Tim Bradford with the save!! He snatches that tiny piece of paper so fast the camera barely catches it. That's a super hero, my friends.
"You got a last name, Caleb?" "Yes sir. Wright with a W." "What do you do? If you say screenwriter, you're going in a cell."
Lucy's horrified. This might be the worst thing Tim has ever done, in her mind.
Remember, at this point everything with Tim is a test. Everything could be used as subterfuge, and she can't trust what's he's going to do with the information he's gathering.
"I manage a medical supply company downtown." "I'm sorry about him. Things are a little crazy right now." "No problem. It was nice meeting you. Officer."
Tim gives her a "can you believe that guy" look, but she has that same energy directed at him. Tim's surprised by that. He really thought she'd appreciate him looking out for her.
She holds out her hand for her piece of paper, and Tim hands it over as she mouths, "Oh my god".
"Ten bucks that isn't even his dog." "It's been an awful day. Can't I just enjoy a cute puppy?"
Tim's getting a look into how Lucy unwinds and relaxes. All day, she's been sneaking glimpses at Caleb's socials to get a feel for him, and it's helping distract her from the no-good day.
Tim of this era hasn't yet learned how to help Lucy talk through things. But he has learned that Lucy and distractions work well for moderating her panic.
Think of the episode with the nuclear bomb and how they spent the whole episode talking about how to sabotage her ex's wedding. Distraction helps her.
"If I can be wheels up in the next 10 minutes, I might beat the afternoon traffic which means I will be in bed in the next hour."
I love how conversational they're being here. You can already tell the lines of TO and friend are starting to blur.
"That's a mistake." "What? Why?" "Look, after working a hardcore assignment like this, you need to go blow off some steam after shift. You know, give your brain a different focus. It's the only way you have a fighting chance of actually sleeping."
This isn't a Tim Test. He's trying to give her advice. Keep this in mind, my friends. It'll come back.
"As my Training Officer, are you saying that I should go get a drink?" "A strong one. Maybe even with another human."
Tim is really trying to do the right thing, here. He snatched away Caleb's phone number earlier, but Lucy's been cyber-stalking him all day and she looks interested.
"Well, I am here to distract you."
I swear I didn't remember that line when I wrote the part above about Lucy needing a distraction.
And we all know that what started as a distracting night led to a nightmare for Lucy.
Before we move on, I want to talk a little bit about Season 2 Tim and Lucy. I know a lot of people love what DOD does for Chenford in terms of progression. But I argue it doesn't cause the shift, but only expedites it.
Look at Tim in this episode, for example. He's downright conversational and friendly with Lucy. Yes, he tells her to get her head in the game instead of looking at Caleb. Yes, he teases her about her first Decomp, but that's the extent of it.
He talks with her openly and honestly about Rosalind. He tries to protect her from Caleb when he thinks the guy's just an unworthy suitor. He tries to give her advice at the end that isn't attached to any "lesson" but simply sharing what he's learned.
Frankly, I think that's what Lucy expected in a TO—someone to talk her through and give her sage advice. And then she got Tim.
Tim doesn't hand out advice willy-nilly. He's a "show" guy, right? Same thing with how he teaches. He's not much of a "talker" with Lucy when it comes to her training. He's trying to get her to think for herself by putting her through her paces.
But this whole episode, he's talking to her. Heck, he's talking with her. Tim doesn't make friends with his Boots, but Lucy is becoming the exception. They aren't there, yet, but they're on their way.
If we look at this episode separated from DOD (if we can), you can see that Tim and Lucy are already moving towards friends. The events of DOD expedites it, I argue, but they would have eventually gotten there on their own. Tim and Lucy are inevitable.
Day of Death
"My day of death."
The pain of a tattoo. The hangover of whatever drugs he gave her. The inability to move her limbs or fight back. Trying to take note of her surroundings, of anything that might be helpful if she can get away.
And that horrible fear that she won't.
"Sergeant."
It takes Harper two seconds to clock the conversation between the men, and she's the first to jump on it. Why? We'll get to that next episode.
"Lucy did not come home last night. She's not responding to texts or calls." "Did she go out with that guy? The one she met at the bar. Caleb Wright with a W."
He remembers it clearly, but he's trying not to panic. After all, his first date with Rachel was *ahem* memorable. Maybe Lucy moves at that same pace?
"Lucy doesn't do one-night stands." "And she's never late."
Her friends know her well, and Grey's smart enough to run with it. Let's be real, there are scenarios where a Sergeant might not listen, might not take it seriously, might not actually do anything.
This is television, and we're not going to let Lucy Chen go quietly into that good night. But it hits me so hard that there are so many cases where alarm bells are rung and left unanswered.
"Why are you doing this?"
Lucy's trying to keep her head in the game. That's what Tim told her to do last episode, right? Keep your head in the game.
"It's for you. To force you to face the truth of your death. It's the gift of something we rarely get in life—clarity."
Fuck you. I'm sorry. Lucy's thinking it and it needed to be said.
"... we believe Caleb is Rosalind's protege, and he took Officer Chen."
The news slams into Tim. And nobody else in the room sees it or knows why. He doesn't even wait to be dismissed. He rushes out of the room, phone dialing before he makes it through the door.
Because this is too much for him to handle. Tim has tried to handle a lot of things on his own. He's famous for isolating himself and trying to pretend he's fine. But this time he calls his best friend. Because he can't do this alone.
"Lucy's been taken. I need you." "On my way."
"Lucy". Not "Chen". Because in his mind, Lucy is already becoming more than a Boot. No, we're not talking romance, here. We're talking friendship. Kinship. Someone he cares about.
Tim Bradford has a very short list, so the fact that his Rookie is close to making the list is significant. But I'm not one who thinks Tim's romantically interested in her all the way back in Season 2. This thing's grown organically over time, though I'd argue DOD gave it a push, as did certain other episodes covered in Future Metas.
"Look, I know I haven't known Lucy as long as the rest of you, but I do know that she's a fighter."
Hell, yeah, our queen is!
"She's gonna do everything she can to stay alive until we save her."
And she does. She fights like hell and does everything she can to survive. But she's weak. She's lethargic. She's drugged. And she's isolated. Utterly alone.
Imagine that moment of fighting your way out, hoping that there'll be someone to hear your voice, to come to your aid, to get the help you so desperately need... and there's no one.
How much of the fight can you keep alive when you realize how little chance you have of surviving?
"... I can't just sit here."
Here's more of a "show" guy. And there's nobody to show.
"I'm fine. Just blowing off steam."
What he told Lucy to do. What he thought would be safe. What he thought would be relaxing. What he thought would be distracting. What he thought would be fun.
He's not blowing off steam. He's a pressurized gasket ready to explode.
"I get it, but you gotta get your head in the game." "I don't need a pep talk." "Then why'd you call me? Clearly you need to get something off your chest."
Tim forgets the power of words, sometimes. We see it a lot through the season. Maybe it's because he never learned how to use them growing up.
FAST FORWARD: We're a ways away from Season 4 and Tim's backstory episodes that help illuminate just how bad it was for him. Tim's father didn't use words. He used his fists. His mother likely didn't use words, either. They didn't talk about what he went through. He never learned to express himself that way. It takes someone coaxing it out of him, and right now that's his best friend.
"She wanted to go home. Okay? Go to bed. I told her that she should focus on something else. She went out with Caleb because I told her to."
And he's carrying the weight of that guilt. It's too heavy for him to bear. Tim Bradford has carried too many weights, and this one is too much. Did he doom his Rookie to die?
"You couldn't have known."
Angela's whole attitude shifts (how could it not?) because Tim Bradford is expressing emotions with his best friend. And that is huge and this whole thing is horrible.
"But I should have. I'm a cop. I was standing this close to the guy, okay? Right across from him and I never saw him coming. But she did, though. She... Some part of her didn't feel right about this whole thing. She hesitated. And I pushed her right at him."
He's wrong. It has to be said that Lucy might not have gone out with Caleb that night, but it could have been another night. Tim only thinks this because of his own guilt, his own pain, his own frustrations with himself for not being Super Cop.
Lucy wanted to go out with this guy. Maybe she wouldn't have gone out that night without the push. But Caleb was a serial killer, and would've put her on his list sooner or later... and more women would have died in the meantime. It's not Tim's fault any more than it's Lucy's.
He thinks he failed Lucy, but this isn't a situation where you can predict every move. We're not going to victim-blame here. We're not going to point fingers.
Because minus the serial killer plot, this shit happens every day. Around the world, there are people whose drinks are spiked, people who are abducted, people who have their choice and consent ripped from them.
And it's not the victim's fault in any way. And it's not the fault of a friend who suggested they have a fun night out. It's no one's fault but the asshole who perpetrated the crime.
Getting off my soap box, here, now, to get back to the Meta. But watching Tim go through this reminds me of how I still struggle with blaming myself for a friend of mine OD'ing because I didn't reach out to them that night.
What if I'd reached out? What if I hadn't ignored their vague Facebook post thinking that I'd only be adding to their frustrations and that they needed the night to cool off? Would they still be here if I'd commented? Or sent them a message? I'm a state away, so I couldn't reasonably drive... but could I have done something that would have meant they'd still be here?
I know I can't blame myself. But there are some days I still struggle with it. Because she's gone. And I'll never ever know if I could have helped. Cognitively, I know it's not my fault. I couldn't have done anything, but there's that part of you that still thinks... you made the wrong call, and if you'd called it the other way, it might be different, now.
"If I get that away from you, it's going right in your brain."
She kept her head in the game. She's up against life and death, here, and she's at the disadvantage. But she's a fucking fighter. Look, we know that Lucy is tough. This is something else entirely. She's staring down the murderer who wants to hear her scream, who wants to soak up her agony, who wants to get her to crumble.
And Lucy Chen's standing up to that asshole with the ultimate, "Fuck You" by not giving in.
She must want to cry. She must want to scream. But Lucy Chen is a fighter, and she's not going down easy.
Lucy Leaves a Clue
It's a long shot. It's such a bloody long shot. But she has to try. Lucy truly believes that she will be found, long shot as it is.
And that hope can be a powerful thing. Caleb tried to wield it against her, but he's no match for her.
"Any last words?" "Yeah. You're gonna be dead long before I am."
Damn right, Lucy Chen. Damn right.
"Now, I am responsible for a life that is in jeopardy, and I will do whatever I have to to save her."
And he means it. Watch Jackson's surprise to see Tim Bradford slam a guy's head against the horn. Because Tim's unhinged, here. Someone he cares about has been taken, and he doesn't give a damn what happens to him or his career.
He'll let it all fall if it means Lucy survives.
FAST FORWARD: We talk a lot about how Tim makes sacrifices for Lucy where his career is concerned. And while in later seasons it becomes their thing, I think in this case he'd have done it for any of his few friends. We later see him risk it all for Angela when she's kidnapped, too. Tim has a separate code for his friends. And Lucy's falling more under it over time. Again not romantic... yet.
"There can be charges in here that lead us to Caleb."
Did you clock that brief smile? Before Jackson walks up, Tim thinks they're at a dead end. Lucy's lost. She's gone. And he'll never get to atone for his mistake.
Jackson brings a sliver of light and hope, and it's enough that Tim actually briefly grins. It's not over, yet.
"Stars shining bright above you..."
The song. Lucy's song to keep herself calm and regulate her breathing. Yes, not talking would have been better, but she needs this. She needs light and life and love. Something bright to pierce the darkness.
Her oxygen is running low, and she's having more trouble breathing, more trouble seeing a way out. The last thing she's going to give that bastard is the satisfaction of watching her scream.
And Melissa O'Neil is breaking my heart. Acting-wise, she is literally in a barrel. There's no one to react off of. There's no one feeding her lines.
It's just Lucy in a barrel, and it's up to the actress to make us feel. No cool camera angles. No sweeping score. Melissa O'Neil had to carry us through this and she did it masterfully.
Yes, the Writers decided to have her singing this song. The script, or a Director or Editor decided to strip the rest of the sound from the overlapping visuals (there's a lot of playing with sound and its impact in this episode that's jaw-droppingly beautiful).
But Melissa O'Neil is the one who has to make us believe it. And we do.
A Glint of Light
Tim's eyes scan the miles of land, looking for some sign of disturbance to clue him in on Lucy's location. But it's something that doesn't belong that grabs his attention—something that literally catches the light of the sun and draws Tim in. Her ring.
He picks it up, still uncertain, but following the clue. A few kicks and... a thunk.
"I've got her! I've got her!"
Tim starts digging in the ground with his bare hands, the grit getting under his fingernails, the dust getting into his lungs. He registers the others, but only barely. He has to get to Lucy.
The ground gives way enough to reach the lid. Tim's hands are all over it, Nyla on one side and Jackson on the other. When they can finally see her, Tim asks for help as they pull her out. But he hovers, staying close, being certain he is the one to make sure she's alive.
Because if she's dead, it's on him.
Look, we know Tim didn't do anything wrong. But Tim Bradford carries a lot of scars and blames himself for a lot of things he shouldn't. And if he can't get to her in time, if he pulls her out and she's truly gone... he can never atone for this.
She's not breathing. Tim blows into her mouth and starts pumping on her chest. The sound drains from the world... just the discordant notes sounding off and echoing like the dying hope of Lucy surviving.
Lucy gasps, and the sound returns to the world. Each person takes a breath of relief. But then the sound zeroes in only on two people—Lucy and Tim.
"You're so strong," he murmurs, soft enough for her to hear, but no one else. But she doesn't hear anything. It's too much. It's all too fucking much. The sobs she'd held in before finally spill out as Tim pulls her close, holding her tight.
He thought he'd lost her. And, again, there's no romance here. But she matters, damnit. She matters to Tim more than he thought she would when they first met. He presses a hand to her hair, pushing his face next to hers.
It screams "I'm here. I'm here." Because in his mind, he is the one who failed her and it had to be him to save her. He owed it to her. He was responsible for her. He fucked up.
And it almost cost her her life.
Again, I don't think that. But Tim does. He truly believes he's the one who failed her. And when you have very few people in your life who care about you (and Lucy has demonstrated many times that she does care about Tim), you don't want to do anything to lose that.
But Tim believes he almost lost Lucy because he wasn't good enough. It plays so much into his childhood trauma, his trauma with his ex-wife, and everything else. Tim thinks he failed.
She doesn't cling to him, no. Her hands shake and her body convulses from the pain. But she lets him hold her there, back in the air, out of her barrel.
Tim isn't her person, yet. But she cares about him, and she knows deep down that he cares about her. She even told Rachel about his good heart.
But her not holding him is completely appropriate to the moment. It's not about him. This is about her. Her trauma. Her survival. Lucy's breaking in this moment. She spent so much time keeping her head in the game, and now she's finally releasing all the anguish she refused to show Caleb.
And she is safe in Tim's arms to fall apart.
I knew from the Pilot that Eric Winter was a tour-de-force. But in this episode we see so many damn layers. And Tim's relief at holding her in his arms at the end instead of cradling her corpse is palpable.
The way this scene is shot and performed and the sound... it all puts us in the moment. We are right there with them, and it's one of my favorite scenes of the entire series.
Here in the barren waste of sand and silence... there's life.
"Hmm. What are you reading, Teen Rebel?"
She wakes up to see Tim there, waiting. He hasn't slept. He hasn't left. We know that. He's spent the past 24 hours feeling completely responsible for Lucy, and it's not easy to leave the side of the person who you pushed yourself to save.
And the first thing she says to him isn't about what she's survived, or even about him finding her. It's about the damn magazine. And it's perfect.
After what she's survived, Lucy needs something familiar. And Tim is pretty damn familiar in her life.
Before we get too much further... I want to call out the lengths Tim went to save Lucy.
FAST FORWARD: We haven't yet reached, "Some things matter more". But Tim's already showing that in action. He's a "show" guy, remember?
Tim was willing to do whatever it took to save her. He would put it all on the line, and that's because he cares about her. No, they're not ripping one another's clothes off. It's Season 2, she's his Boot, and he doesn't even acknowledge friendship with her, yet.
But she is becoming his friend. She's becoming one of the very few people that Tim Bradford will upend the world for.
"They actually have some really insightful political articles."
Watch how fast that man wheeled his little chair over to her side. It makes me giggle with glee.
"Oh, which BTS member is your soulmate. Gotta be Suga, right?" "Totally. What's a BTS?"
Lucy laughs. Probably her first good laugh in days. And it's with Tim. Hardass, Tim Test, never-lets-up Tim.
"Have you been here all night?" "No. Mmhm. No." "Mmhmm."
Because TO Tim can't show that he cares. Not yet. I mean, he's never felt this friendly toward a Boot, and he can't go soft on her when she still has so far to go before crossing the finish line.
Remember, Tim likes rules and staying within them—whether they're the rules set out for him by a superior or the ones he's created for himself. Counting Lucy a friend is outside the lines. But much as he might try to deny it, he's showing it.
He's used to giving his Rookies what he thinks they need, and with Lucy, it's most often tough love and some manipulative tests. For him to break through his own wall of separating personal life from professional life is too much. So, he lies.
But Lucy can see right through him. Strangely, she's always had that power.
"How did you find me?"
Nolan interrupts the moment. Damnit, Nolan! But we'll all get to that later... next episode.
There's a reason I wanted to do these three together. Look, this show is still basically a Procedural at its heart with some continuous story lines. But these three episodes feel more serial than a lot of the show, and because of that, I think the whole picture is required to ascertain its meaning.
"He is a she and she is going to sleep in my bed since I am clearly never going on a date, again."
We started this whole trilogy with Lucy considering a nunnery. And, again, I think this calls attention to what it's like to be a single woman in the world. Yes, assaults can happen to anyone.
But as a woman, I can tell you I never get anything to drink but water when I'm out with my friends. I never leave my drink unattended. And a male friend always walks me to my car. Theater kids go out a lot to bars (like, after every rehearsal), so there was a season in my life where this was a nightly ritual. Trying to stay safe out there.
So, if Lucy doesn't want to ever date again after her ordeal, I don't bloody blame her, and neither do her best friend, past fling, and future husband.
"You hungry?"
Sometimes I swear this man is part Jewish mother. If you Fast Forward in the series, you see he's always trying to feed this woman.
And, yes, I'm saying this from experience. There was an old saying that if you wanted a lot more food from my Great-Aunt Mary, you said you wanted a little. If you wanted a little, you said you wanted none. And if you wanted none, you hid your plate.
"Yeah. I'm starving. You know what I really wanna eat right now?" "Veggie burger and fries. Extra pickles."
Awwwww! Remember in 2x01 when she sent him food? "You shouldn't have done that." "Well, I wanted to. And eating well is crucial to a fast recovery."
He's using the lessons he learned from her as an act of love. Again, not romantic love. But love, nonetheless.
"You know me so well." "Too well."
Look at those smiles. Alright, y'all, I'll admit those smiles put butterflies in my stomach, too.
And the fact that the director chose to take us off of the wide shot so we only saw Tim and Lucy for these last few lines. Because this is about them.
Tim is caring about Lucy far more than he should. And he's growing aware of that. But the nature of this episode makes it impossible for him to shove it down entirely. He writes it off as concern and guilt, and doesn't realize he's been slowly letting Lucy into his circle of friends.
But if we talk about who really knows Lucy in this scene? It's Tim.
Jackson brought pretty flowers, which are nice, but will die. Nolan brought the most giant, pink bear. She's cute, but eventually she'll disappear from Lucy's life because her next boyfriend's not going to want to share the bed with a pink stuffy (unless he's into that... no judgment).
Tim. Brought. Her. Food. Yes, it'll be gone pretty quickly. But I can tell you after not being allowed to eat for both my deliveries of my three kids, I was famished. Lucy hasn't eaten in days, and she wants something filling and comforting. Tim brought her the exact order she wanted without her having to ask.
As much as he tries to separate professional and personal, Lucy's blurring those lines. To me, the Season 1 finale was really the start of that. And Tim bites back against that as much as he can in Season 2 (even treating Lucy like shit because she didn't report him for suicidal ideation).
But this trilogy of episodes breaks down that wall further. Yes, he's still her TO and he's still not going to think of her as a friend. But S2-3 is where that really comes together. They were already on their way, but with these events, he softens towards her in a way he never anticipated.
We get to see him soft throughout the series with "his people". But at this point, he's not yet ready to admit Lucy is one of them. It's outside his standard operating procedure for Rookies.
But, despite his protests, he's making a friend. The kind of friend that sticks. The kind of friend that doesn't leave. The kind of friend that loves with abandon.
And someday, someday, she might become more than that. But right now, he's not even ready to admit she's a friend... but, damn, our "show" guy really showed it.
I really want to call out the coloration and choices of this episode. When Lucy first wakes up on the table (with no establishing shot, so we're as clueless to how isolated she is, just as she is), everything i s tripped back. Melissa O'Neil's makeup is stripped down and we can see her pores.
The first time I watched that scene I thought, "Wow, they really stripped out all the color". There's something about the harshness of yellows, beiges, and browns on their own that evoke old Westerns. That sense of isolation, famine, and drought.
Lucy's world is often so vibrant that the stark shift helps us feel the anxiety with her. There's nothing bright or beautiful about this world. Only de-saturated hopelessness.
Now and Then
Lucy In The Mirror
Lucy's wounds have healed. Her wrists are free of the tie marks. Her face is free of the cuts and bruises. But the tattoo remains. She can hear the sound of the tattoo gun in her mind.
Yes, Lucy has many tattoos, but those were of her choosing. This was another violation—something inflicted upon her. Lucy tries covering up, but the foundation sticks to her shirt.
And, yes, there are makeups out there that can cover up tattoos. Being the daughter of a makeup artist, I know way too much about it and have seen mother in action covering an entire chest full of tattoos for a shoot. That's not the point.
The point of this scene is to remind us (and Lucy) that this can't be covered up. It's on her. It's permanent unless she has it burned off.
"When can she have it removed?" "Four weeks. Two days. Nine hours."
Her mind is on it all the time. She knows it down to the hour. Doesn't sound like someone who's healed to me. But, duh. That's the whole point of the episode.
"Hey, so what's your plan?" "For what?" "Officer Chen. I'm sure you've got some Alpha strategy to get her back on the horse, so, what is it?"
Let's be real. Tim would be Tim, but he wasn't going to be his harshest self on her first day back. He wouldn't be capable of it. But Nyla doesn't know that.
"So basically get her into as many fights as possible." "I'm gonna remind her that she's a cop, not a victim." "She knows that she's not a victim. Look, Chen doesn't need to fight. She needs to make peace with the voice inside of her head telling her she's never gonna be safe again."
I wish someone had asked Lucy. Looking at this situation, they're both coming at it from the wrong angle for Lucy. Tim's going for how he processes and Nyla's going for how she does. Neither of them asks Lucy what she needs.
Look, these are characters who are going to do what's in-character. For the scene and the arc, this has to go this way. But as a person who has had a lifetime of people thinking they know what I need and making it a thousand times worse, I have a personal response to this.
But in character? Both Tim and Nyla want what's best for Lucy and think they're the one to give it to her.
"Okay, I've been training Rookies a lot longer than you. I know what she needs." "That's ego talking. What happened to Chen is every woman's worst fear." "I'm aware of that." But you have never lived that fear."
That stops Tim. Because she's right. Part of Tim's arc in Season 1 and 2 with Lucy by his side is discovering his subconscious biases. She forces him to think beyond what he thinks he knows.
And here, he's facing that even without Lucy present. Because she's opening up his mind to seeing past his own limited perspective.
"It's clear that you have her best interests at heart. I am just asking you to consider whether she might be better served by someone who has been through what she has been through."
This is a lot for Nyla to offer. A woman's experiences are not owed to anyone. But she chooses to give him this insight into why she really believes she's the best person to help Lucy through.
And Tim's listening. He's really listening to what she's saying.
"And that someone's you." *nods* "Okay. I'll tell Grey to make the switch."
I love Eric Winter's choices on this. He's reacting not only to the information that Nyla just shared, knowing that she doesn't want apologies or empty words from him. He didn't do it. But he's sorry it happened. He's face to face with someone in uniform who, like Lucy, thought they were safe with someone when they weren't.
And he's thinking of Lucy. The last thing he wants to do is hurt her, to make this harder, to set her back.
Lucy At Roll Call
She pauses outside the room. Much as she wants to get back at it, this is a point-of-no-return morning. She doesn't want special treatment. She doesn't want weird glances. She doesn't want whispered words.
She doesn't want the damn applause.
"Congratulations you survived but you're branded by a serial killer and still processing the emotional trauma and we want you know that we are all talking about you, and looking at you, and thinking about you."
Damn it.
"Welcome back, Officer Chen. How're you feeling? Can't wait to get on the streets, sir, just get back to normal." "We're going to mix things up a bit. You're going to be riding with Harper this week."
What. The. Fuck!? Lucy just said that she wants to go back to normal. Riding with Nyla is not normal.
Lucy looks back to Tim for confirmation and he nods. But she's still confused. She's on-edge. She didn't expect to come back to work straight into a Tim Test, and that's what this feels like.
Everything that she wanted for transitioning back to work is going wrong.
"I'm not interested in chasing tame calls today."
Because Tim needs to process his way. Look, he in no way went through what Lucy did. Not at all. But he's still carrying his guilt and frustrating, and he needs to channel that into something he can do.
Tim is a man of action, and since he can't take action to help Lucy through her re-acclimation, he's going to do what he needs to do to distract him from worrying about her—his job.
"So why the switch?" "Tim felt you'd be better served riding with me." "Yeah, right. This has to be some kind of elaborate Tim Test that he roped you into." "Do I strike you as someone who could get roped into anything? Especially by Bradford?"
Note the switch from "Tim" to "Bradford". Nyla was trying to keep it conversational at the beginning, but the second Lucy calls out perceived pliability, Nyla snaps back to put Lucy in her place.
"Fair enough. So, I'll ask you again, why the switch?" "I convinced him that I would have more insight into what you were going through and could therefore be more helpful to your re-integration onto the streets."
Look how Lucy recoils. Much as Lucy loves talking things out, she doesn't want to talk about this. She doesn't want to have to think about what she's been through while she's out here. She wants normal.
"Did you go on a date with a serial killer, too?" "Uh, no." "Well, then I'm not sure how much help you'd be. But it's fine, 'cause I don't need any help. I've already worked through the trauma using both cognitive and exposure therapy combined with mindful breathing and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. So, it's, it's fine."
Of course, we know Lucy's far from fine. But this isn't what she wanted. She didn't want to have special treatment. She didn't want to be pulled from working with Tim. Frustrating as he is, he's familiar. That's normal.
And Lucy's gone through all the Psychological steps she thinks will help her be fine. It's her blind spot, truly. Because she seems to think there's a point where you're just "fine" and don't need to process anymore.
No, that trauma will come up, again, we know. But right now she doesn't want to face it. She's trying to pretend her way to being fine.
"Need backup for a felony car stop." "You sure?" "Hell, yeah."
Everyone's surprised to hear her voice. But she wants to get back at it. She doesn't want to feel different. It's bad enough what she has to deal with in her head. At the Station, she's a Rookie, yeah, but she's a cop.
And the more I look at this episode the more it feels like Lucy and Tim have traded spots for a day. Normally, Tim's the one who doesn't want to talk and would rather bury himself in the job. And Lucy's usually the one second-guessing.
But Tim second-guessed himself this morning and let Nyla have Lucy. And everyone wants Lucy to talk, but she'd rather get in the action.
"You want me to do the paperwork?" "Oh, nope."
Tim always has Lucy do the paperwork. She wants to do what's familiar, what's natural, what's practiced. "Please let me be normal".
"That was a nice job out there." "Thanks." "So you're just not gonna let me help you at all." "I don't need any help."
Look, we all know that she does, but not like this. Nyla wants so badly to help Lucy, but if Lucy isn't ready, trying to push her like this isn't going to change anything. It's going to push her further inward.
"Did you get the flowers we sent?" "And the basket. Thank you."
Lucy really has some lovely people in her life. And look at her genuine appreciation for Abigail, here. Baskets are one of Lucy's love languages, and she nailed it.
"What the hell is this? I let you run around with Harper for half the day and you start hugging people on duty?" "Don't listen to him. He's all bark."
Tim is being his grumpy-ass self and Lucy's smiling like the sunshine that she is. This is what she thought she'd have today. This rhythm to which she's already grown accustomed.
Yes, Tim gets under her skin and pisses her off. But she knows him. She's used to him. The Tim Tests come when she least expects it, but she knows to expect that.
While there are many mysteries left to this man, he's been her biggest constant during her Rookie year. And it's nice to get to talk to him.
"All bark? She is not buying what you're selling." "Because I don't hold her fate in my hands."
They're teasing. We're to the point in their relationship where they can tease one another, and you can see how comfortable Lucy is in this.
Apart from the action, this is the most comfortable we've seen her all episode.
"Heard you dodged some bullets." "Yeah, a few. What, are you keeping tabs on me?"
The discomfort is back. Because even Tim Fucking Bradford is acting different around her. There's a softness to him that she's never seen before directed at her. Yes, she's seen it... but not with those eyes directed her way.
"Look, if you need anything, you let me know."
Finally, someone asks what she needs. All day, people (including Tim) have been making assumptions about what she needs. But here Tim is truly putting her first and trying to see if there's anything he can really do.
"You got a time machine?" "I wish I did."
Because he'd go back and take back the decision that fed her to the lion. Yes, we all know it's not Tim's fault. But he still feels like it is. And this is what Lucy really wishes she had—not some remedy or quick fix... that it never happened.
"You're not gonna shower?" "Uh, I'm gonna do it a home."
Because she doesn't want the stares. She doesn't want the questions. She doesn't want the reminder.
She's wearing concealer under her shirt because she doesn't want to see the thing. And she's tired of the comments and special treatment. Lucy wants to go back to normal.
Now, we can already see from this episode that "normal" isn't really possible. Relationships have shifted. Lucy is not the same woman she was before. Yes, she'll open up parts of her that shut down over time, but she'll never be who she was before that night of carefree drinks gone wrong.
But that's what Lucy wants in this moment. Normalcy.
"Oh, but you're not going home."
The hell?! She was just abducted and now you won't let her go home? Sorry, but that was my gut reaction watching this.
"We have plans. Girls' Night." "Oh, I get it. You've seen that I'm find on the job, but you're still not convinced." "We just thought it would be fun." ... "It's... you guys have just never asked me out before."
Think of how happy Lucy was that she was getting invited to something normal!? And with these two bad-ass women!
Lucy spends so much of her time in the first two seasons with Jackson and Nolan that we rarely get to see her with the other women of the Station.
She was going to get to have a night out with two women she trusts—something safe. And she had just relaxed into that when they pulled this shit.
Look, I'm salty at these two. I love Nyla and Angela's my number three on the show. But this was a terrible idea. Nyla was critical of Tim throwing her into work, but she's throwing her into the dating pool.
And it's no wonder Lucy was triggered. She isn't ready to date, again. And that's fine. She should be able to get out there when she is ready.
But we all experience the world through out unique lenses and experiences. And a very real mistake we make is assuming because I need it this way, you do, too.
I have twin sons. When they were 9 months old, a friend handed down a toy to us. You throw a ball into the toy and it makes a noise. Ta-da! One child giggled uncontrollable. They other screamed and broke down in sobs.
Different people react differently. They need different coping mechanisms. They need different healing paths. When we try too hard to homogenize treatment, we miss the opportunity for true healing.
And part of the problem here is the utter lack of communication. Nyla has hinted to Tim what she went through, but she hasn't given Lucy any indication.
Now, Nyla doesn't owe Lucy her story. But she has chosen to help Lucy, and it would be a helluva lot easier to get through to Lucy if she communicated with her.
"Hey, Lucy had a bit of a moment last night when we were out."
Tim. Is. Pissed. Angela can tell that's all it took for him to be ready to go into Tim-Mode on someone's ass.
"It's not a big deal. She's fine." "What the hell is Harper doing?" "Helping. Don't get all 'Tim' on me. I just thought you should know." "Lucy's okay?" "She will be." "Alright. Thanks for letting me know."
Angela is the only one who knows about Tim's guilt. She's the only one who knows the weight he's been carrying, blaming himself for what happened to Lucy. She's the only one to know he has a growing soft spot for her.
So she does the right thing and gives him a heads-up.
And note how it's always "Lucy" when he's talking with Angela in these episodes. With Nolan, it's "Chen" because Nolan is not Tim's friend. But Angela's his best friend, and he can let his guard down a little when it comes to her.
Nyla Shares Her Tale
We already said that Nyla doesn't owe anyone her story. But by keeping it from Lucy, Lucy was pushing her away. She truly thought it was another outsider with outside opinions trying to force her to be okay.
Hearing Nyla's story, she is finally able to see her differently. There's a beat right after Lucy says, "I'm so sorry," where Melissa O'Neil shifts her gaze from cynical to sisterly—Lucy sees herself in Nyla.
For the first time since she's gotten out of that barrel, there's someone who isn't an outsider who truly wants to help.
"I shut down. I didn't even tell my husband. I kept telling myself that I would deal with it when I was ready." "But with every passing week it just got worse." "Maybe I pushed you too hard last night. But I know what it is like when you do not face things head-on."
Look how Lucy has shifted. Because Nyla can relate. Lucy was pushing so hard against her from the get-go that she missed the signs on this.
She was so focused on pushing everyone away and keeping everyone out that she missed that Nyla wasn't another outsider looking in with "expert" opinions on something they know nothing about. Nyla really does know.
"You and Chen are close, right?"
"I used to be inside her on the regular, so, yeah." I'm sorry. I had to. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I watched the scene.
"How's she doing? I mean, really doing?"
Because Tim is in his phase of needing to know how Lucy is, but not being the one "in the know". He's still her TO, and going directly to her for information is outside his code. But he can't help worrying. Lucy matters to him.
"She's good. Really. I think she'll be better once she gets that tattoo removed. Can you imagine that? Walking around every day branding by the worst thing that's ever happened to you? " "You think because it's physical, it's worse? Tragedies always leave scars. Only some of them you can see."
Again, this is about perspective. Some people are visual learners. Some are auditory. Some learn by doing.
I have a weird quirk of my brain that a memory is stronger for me if I can see a photo of it. Yes, I have other memories, but I can almost transport back to the moments in my photo albums since I've had decent memory. Visuals are important for me.
To Tim, it doesn't matter if it's visual or not. But Lucy might be different. Seeing that every day might mean more to her than it does to him. He's not considering that.
Seriously, as a former Communications student (two degrees in it), this episode is a masterclass in personal bias and intrapersonal vs interpersonal communication. In the moments of actual connection there's communication that's clear and concise.
Throughout the episode, everyone is making choices that are complicating matters. They're trying to do what's right, but they're doing it without clarity.
Nyla gets through to Lucy best when she talks to the woman in an open and honest manner. Same with Tim, later.
But, I'm skipping ahead...
A Punching Bag
Remember how I said Tim and Lucy have switched places this episode? In the same place where Lucy once offered Tim perspective (on his learning disability) and a gift (the book on tape), Tim will have his moment.
Lucy wipes her face without thinking, and Tim gets a glimpse of the tattoo. It flusters Lucy as she turns. She doesn't want to talk about it.
He's come down here for a reason. After spending all day asking others about her, he needs to see her for himself.
He wants to say something, too, but he's second-guessing. Ever since he pushed her toward a serial killer, he's been second-guessing where she's concerned.
"You got no quit in you, do you, Boot?" "No, sir. I get that from you." "I don't think so. You walked in the door this way. It's what makes you so aggravating."
He's teasing her. This is their rhythm. They've found it and they've earned it, and she's been stripped from it when she really wanted something familiar.
"I'm taking that as a compliment." "It was meant to be. You have a good night." "Yeah, you, too."
Tim turns to go, shoving his hands in his pockets. As he does, his fingers graze the ring... her ring. The ring he's been carrying around because it's tangible. It's something he can hold onto and remind himself that it's true—Lucy lived.
He turns around, no longer second-guessing. He has something to say, and he can only hope she hears him.
"You know, I got half a dozen scars. Bullet wounds, knife wounds, broken bottle. Then there's the ones you can't see, Isabel's addiction, a dad who would tune me up on the regular. And whether I like it or not, they're a part of me."
I can't remember him talking this openly about the trauma of Isabel's addiction before. But, he's in the Lucy role, today. He's talking things out while she's taking it out on a punching bag.
"I know what you're trying to do. And I appreciate it, but this is different. I was tattooed by a sadist who etched my day of death into my skin." "Okay, but you didn't die. Okay? You lived. And now he's the one in the ground."
Lucy sighs, because here's another outsider telling her what to do and how to feel.
"I'm not trying to tell you what to do with it. Okay? Burn it off, keep it, whatever gives you peace."
That's a little better. Lucy starts listening at that. Because, everyone's trying to push her in a direction, and he makes it clear that that's not his intention. He's not trying to push her to do or be anything.
"All I'm trying to do is give you some hard-won perspective."
If this was Pee Wee's Playhouse, we'd all have to scream because "Perspective" is the word of the day. Because each person's perspective has been an obstacle, today. Each person's perspective has been a roadblock.
But Tim's being very clear that he's offering only that—his Perspective. And, remember, Lucy cares very much what Tim thinks of her. She cares how he sees her. She doesn't want to let him down.
"You can choose to see that tattoo as your greatest failure. But I see it as proof that you're a survivor."
"You're so strong," he'd whispered when she started breathing, again. She might have been too overwhelmed at the moment to ever remember that, but we do. He recognized her strength and ability to survive right then.
This isn't lip-service. This is Tim Bradford being completely honest about how he sees Lucy.
"It wasn't your day of death, Officer Chen. It was the first day of the rest of your life. And no one can take that away from you."
There it is. No, this isn't going to "fix" the pain that Lucy's feeling. It's not going to make the trauma disappear. It's not going to erase the memories. But this mind-flip of that tattoo is powerful.
Because Caleb made her say aloud what that tattoo meant. He told her that it was for her, for her perspective, for her to own up to what he said it meant.
And here's Tim Bradford, a man who Lucy respects and trusts, helping her look at it from a different angle.
And isn't that what Tim does so well? Lucy even calls him out on it later in the show... He's the king at coming at things sideways and seeing another angle.
What he's saying is, "YOU, Lucy, get to decide how you look at that tattoo." She's spent so much time looking at it from Caleb's perspective that she didn't consider there was an alternative.
"Thanks." "Yeah. You're welcome."
Tim shoves his hands back in his pocket, and they both let the moment pass, easily. He said what he needed to say, and she heard him. Now, they can move forward.
"You riding with me tomorrow?" "Yes sir." "Good. Get in early. War bags need restocking." "Okay."
Tim pulls the ring from his pocket and tosses it to Lucy before she can register what it is. As she opens her hands, she sees it—her ring.
The ring she tossed off her hand in hopes that someone would find it. And Tim did. He found it. He found her.
"How did you find me?" Lucy asked from her hospital bed. Now, she has the answer.
Lucy looks up at Tim in awe and surprise. He smiles at the ring at her hand, and then back at her. He'd been carrying it around for a while because he didn't yet have Lucy back. Yes, she was at work, but not riding with him.
Tim once talked to Lucy about finding something tangible to focus on instead of the intangibility of nuclear disaster. Yes, he was being figurative, but I don't put it past him to take it literal. Lucy is back, but not back with him, yet.
Tomorrow, she'll be in his Shop. And now he doesn't need something tangible to hold onto to remind him that she is coming back, because she'll be there. By his side.
This is theirs. Tim told no one how he found her. She told no one that she'd dropped the ring. Only Tim and Lucy know this part of her story... of their story.
*phew* this one was emotionally exhausting. It took a week of work. But, I hope you enjoy it. It's heavier than most, but I think it's earned.
I would argue that Tim and Lucy are already on their way to friendship at the beginning of this trilogy, but the events that happen expedite it, and also solidify their trust of one another.
Tim respects the hell out of her. He knows what she's capable of, and now he's seen it for himself. Yes, he's going to be tough on her, again, when he's ready. And, yes, she's going to be pissed at him, when she's ready.
But only Tim and Lucy know who they are in the in-betweens. When the cameras aren't rolling on their chests and nobody else is listening in—like this ending scene. This is theirs.
And as they move forward in their relationship, there are all these touchstones, these pillars that shifted things that they can look back on as guide posts or stepping stones that at the time seemed small, but proved essential to their journey.
And, oh, I can't wait to see where it takes them next.
As always, thanks for reading.
#Chenford#Lucy Chen#Tim Bradford#Melissa O'Neil#Eric Winter#The Rookie#Meta#tw abuse#tw assault#tw rape
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The reversed Cody art and the April Fools event with Venusaur in Pokémon Monochrome have me thinking about what a hypothetical Eevee ghost would potentially be like (A huge surprise, coming from the user "bronzeeevee" LMAO)
If Venusaur is apathy, I was thinking maybe Eevee could be pure emotion, or something along the lines of that?
Lean into Eevee's evolution gimmick to have it be like Pikachu (Jolteon), Blastoise (Vaporeon), and Charizard (Flareon) all in one, switching between evolution forms seemingly on a dime?
(Putting some rough doodles I did for this idea below- hopefully it goes through, I am admittedly still getting used to tumblr XD)
Side note: The recent confrontation with Charizard has me on the EDGE OF MY SEAT. Even beyond just the confrontation itself and hoping we can fulfill Cody's wishes, the IMPLICATIONS of how the "real" Cody died all adding up... ohhh boy. Very good stuff, again I have to praise your dialogue skills and ability to set a suspenseful scene!
(side note #2: I have not been able to get the phrase "BAJALASTOISE BLAST" out of my head for the past several days LMAO)
oooo very fun! i like the idea of it! (makes me think of the pokemon adventures manga, where red's eevee did the exact same thing!)
i can imagine that unlike with the other ghosts, who know exactly what they want, eevee ghost has no idea what it wants to be, or what it wants from the situation, and is erratic and tormented because of it, haha. (a parallel to cody not knowing what to do with themself, and the audience themselves being indecisive abt what to do with cody)
flipping between emotions nearly instantly with no sense to it. goes from flareon angrily calling cody a dumpster fire before jolteon saying "haha i was just joking" and vaporeon like "i'm sorry please don't be mad at me". it probably would also try to argue with itself, making a point in an argument only to be like "AUGH! NO! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!" it would be like if all of cody's players were wrapped up into the same pokemon, all at once.
i love the ideas this concept is giving me, haha!
thank you! i'm really glad the charizard confrontation is giving its intended effect - even successfully defeating charizard won't come with its own fallout and drama, because she's cast suspicion onto cody…
it's clear that cody's players are still (mostly) on cody's side, but it'll be interesting to watch cody try to damage-control the situation after this is over…
(not gonna lie the bajalastoise blast ask sent me too lmao)
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I've been struggling since Saturday to make my thoughts about the episode cohere into a single whole, but this ep made me think about...FEEL about so many different things, so I think I have to approach it differently. I had so many scattered thoughts; on gratitude and guilt, the nature of forgiveness, and the mess that is Kinn and Porsche's feelings.
It's important to understand two things:
Porsche has never been in love. He is having these feelings for the first time, in the middle of an intense, crazy and turbulent period when his life has literally been upended. And he has no frame of reference to organise his feelings, no way to put them in perspective, and nobody he can talk to about them. I'm amazed he can remain upright far less process it all. And Kinn doesn't make it easy for him at all. He gives mixed signals. He kisses him. He takes care of him. He seeks him out. He crosses lines with him. But he also punishes him. He scolds him. He ignores him. He casts him out. But then he shows up at Porsche's door and demands that he come 'home'...to him.
Kinn has loved, but that love was betrayed. He knows what it is to soar, to feel like the luckiest person in the world, and then to have his heart broken, the pain and despair of it. And he closed away that part of himself, only Porsche has ripped the door to that room right off its hinges. Porsche drives him CRAZY, in good and bad ways. He's feeling old feelings and new ones, complicated by the relative positions of he and Porsche in the firmament of his life. And he doesn't understand why he feels this way, and he also has nobody to talk to about it.
They can't understand each other, they can barely understand themselves. And yet, there is something there that has hit them both like a freight train. Kinn and Porsche are fighting private wars within themselves, struggling to understand what this THING between them is. And now they're marooned together, bound together, unable to escape. The world is gone, it's just them. And they say and do things when they're in that time out of time, that place outside of the world. They exposed parts of themselves to each other and even if they tuck those bits back away they will never forget what they looked like emotionally naked. And when they thought it was goodbye, they said and did things that they are going to have to face now.
When you think you are saying goodbye, you will let yourself indulge your feelings to some extent because you won't have to deal with the aftermath of that. In kdrama they always put 'sorry' and 'thankful' together. Thank you for all you do. I'm sorry for all I'm not. Gratitude and guilt. That final scene, was that idea writ large. Porsche and Kinn had been through this ordeal together, trauma bonded in some way, and thought they would never see each other again. Now that that isn't the case they're going to have to deal with the emotional fallout, all that guilt and gratitude, while returning to a situation where all eyes are on them and there are rules and strictures and hierarchies and people to consider other than just themselves. Oh no, nothing is resolved at ALL. The fallout continues, the consequences grow.
On the nature of forgiveness and atonement, I think a lot of people misunderstand it. Forgiveness isn't saying 'it's cool that you did what you did to me'. Atonement isn't saying 'this good I am doing will erase the harm I've done'. It isn't cool, it'll never be cool. A wrong is a wrong and what's done can never be undone. Atonement is saying 'I hope that I can do enough good to dwarf the harm'. Forgiveness is saying 'what you have done to me cannot be undone, but I choose to leave it behind us'. You forgive for yourself, because you choose to be free of whatever anger and sadness and hurt you feel at having been wronged. Forgiveness is a choice and making that choice does not diminish the wrong, it puts it in perspective. Pluto never changes in size, but it's giant compared to a human and minuscule compared to the sun.
So Porsche can forgive (debatable if that is full forgiveness just yet) Kinn what seems so easily because he has wanted to put that night in a perspective. He does not WANT to feel bad about what happened that night. He admits to Kinn that he basically doesn't know how to feel or how to behave around him since then, because a line was crossed, and that line was not just having sex with a man or having it happen while he was drugged, but that man being his employer and also having his feelings be involved. For Porsche sex is casual, the satisfaction of a physical urge. This was in no way casual or it never would've happened. So Porsche has FEELINGS for Kinn, and that complicates his processing of that night. Basically, he was already inclined to forgive if Kinn showed he cared about him. Of all the violations, the worst one for him was Kinn's casting him aside.
Forgiveness is also not just one step, it's a journey. Porsche started on that journey when Kinn showed up at his door; he let him in. And this whole episode is part of the journey of Kinn's atonement and Porsche's forgiveness. And neither journey is completed.
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and all his towers cast down makes me jumpy in the best of ways. I am not usually an AU person, much less an enjoyer of this sort of extreme canon divergence, but this one really works for me. Can you talk a little about what motivated you to write it? Have you sorted out the endgame yet? That tag How to cope when ten ppl got eaten alive in front of u is so rich in potential! Thanks very much :)
adfkldsajk thank you so much for this ask, my answer is going under a cut cuz it's gonna be LONG
first off thank you so much for your kind words, it always makes my day to hear that someone is enjoying my work!!
Second off, this AU was motivated by a variety of things. Some of my thought process is actually laid out in this post: I originally wanted to see Maglor and Lúthien girlbossing together (bc people always pit Daeron vs Maglor when Lúthien is clearly the superior singer...) and then I thought "omg I bet Maglor and Lúthien together would fuck up Angband" and then I thought I have to write this. Originally Finrod wasn't even going to play much of a role - rescuing him was just a catalyst for the plot!
But I am Finrod's #1 stan and the more I thought about his death/possible rescue, the more I realized just how much fell apart with his loss, and how cruel his death was. The guy most famous for having friends everywhere rode near-friendless to his ending and died after losing everyone who stuck with him. I decided: he deserved better, and thus the story took its current form, with one thread following Maedhros and Fingon dealing with the political fallout of the Nargothrond debacle, one thread following Beren, Luthien, and Maglor on the Silmaril Quest, and one thread following Finrod's recovery.
I have sorted out the endgame, although this fic continues to grow in scope. Originally it was going to be 10 chapters max and just feature Maglor stealing the Silmarils; now it is semi-plotted all the way through to the War of Wrath and I'm considering starting a series to fully cover all the themes I want to hit. Suffice to say this story is going to be going on for a very long time, haha.
I am proud of that tag you mentioned, because for all that Finrod wasn't initially supposed to feature that prominently in this AU, I think the tag sums up at least a third of what I want the story to be about. Finrod's story is particularly tragic to me because he loses so much of what defines him as a character in Tol-in-Gaurhoth. He's the Friend of Men, but nearly all of the Bëorians died in the Dagor Bragollach, and Finrod dies believing that he was unable to protect the one remaining descendant of Balan. He's a noted diplomat, but with one request Thingol has entirely torn apart any future hope of complete allyship/harmony between the Noldor and the Sindar. He's the King of Nargothrond, except the Nargothrondrim turned away from him. He went across the Ice for love of his cousins, but Turgon is gone and the Fëanorians betrayed him. The symbolism isn't subtle - he literally dies in the tower he built, that's been turned to evil and destruction...
So what I really want to explore in the Finrod part of this fic is: how would that have changed him, if he lived? Could he recover, from being torn apart so thoroughly? Would he want to? What would he choose to do about the whole Thingol situation, about Nargothrond, about the Union of Maedhros (should it arise)? And of course, there's one person who underwent a similar experience of being torn apart and unmade: what would Maedhros think about all of this? Would he be able to help?
Writing this story has been a true joy and a discovery, because the characters have come so fully alive in my head and I keep discovering things they would be concerned about/do/say that never occurred to me during my (minimal) outlining. For example, Beren was not initially even intended as a POV character, but he's such a fascinating kind of blank in the Lay that I felt an overwhelming curiosity about what he would have thought about in the wake of his rescue. Fingon wasn't really going to make an appearance in this fic, but then I thought - he surely helped with Maedhros' recovery, could he help with Finrod's? How would he respond to the Nargothrond debacle? And he must have been devastated to learn about Finrod's death, coming so close after he lost Angrod, Aegnor, and his father; how relieved he would be, to see Finrod at least saved! So there are many threads that emerged (and are still emerging) from this story that have been so much fun to weave into the narrative.
Thank you again for the question, and I hope you continue to enjoy the fic! <3 <3 <3
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(yagi-no-eda here~)
Totally would circle back /pos. I’m also pretty new to the fandom!
My wife has liked Usagi Yojimbo and associated stuff for years but it’s only this summer that my brain has allowed me to really get into it, and make it past the first 2-3 comics. Not for lack of trying - it was just never the right time in an ADHD way*. Something always would distract me. I’ve inhaled all the comics I can in just the last couple of months and yeah, Stan came at me with a steel chair too. I did not expect …this whole situation. I’ve been a fandom lurker since 1999 and yet suddenly I have blog I use near daily, a sketchbook, and bunch of fic WIPS...
Mainly because I am Unwell over UY.
I have accepted my fate. This is always going to be a Thing now.
Though I did admittedly also inhale TMNT 2003 and Rise.
Travels with Jotaro is one of my favourite volumes, but I’m also weirdly into Bridge of Death rn and just….in general having a moment over Usagi’s time with Mifune. To the point I’m doodling intros for a fake show called The Mifune Years. He had this whole expected future and friends - denied.
* to be fair this is also the summer I found out its def ADHD driving this media analysis machine I call a brain
Hope this was an okay way to get back to you! /lil anxious
Feel free to network (or share thoughts) in my tags anytime, I love hearing what other people think. Also happy to chat anytime. Or feel free to tell me to back off and that's chill too :)
(been waiting to answer this for when i had more time but gave in; should be working on my fic(s) but you know how it is lmao. stay tuned for a very long post, because i love talking about things with people, especially things i like haha
very cool to see another person very passionate about this series! i grew up on 2003 (and the 90's movies-- my parents had the third one on cassette and i remember i wore that fucker out lmao) but it was always more of a "scattered interest" rather than something i was fully pulled into
i started getting into rise (read: The Algorithm came for me) probably mid-July of last year, but didn't fully fall into it until after the movie came out. it renewed my interest in tmnt overall, and i've been here ever since!
i did attempt to watch the usagi chronicles a couple of times, and i remember thinking they were fun but not really my thing. (i definitely want to revisit it, even though i know it won't hold a candle to usagi yojimbo. it does look fun in a silly way, which i can get behind.)
i knew vaguely about how big usagi yojimbo was, and that it was a commitment, but i'm surprised how quickly it sucked me in. i've never been super interested in stuff within the genre, but damn if it doesn't satisfy the autism. entire chapters devoted to infodumping about the edo period of japan? sign me the fuck up!
i especially did not expect how much it would make me feel. like. wow. ouch. usagi is just Some Guy but he is also so well characterized and you really feel for his internal conflict, 10/10.
i've been looking for series with older protagonists, especially those more focused on the familial/platonic aspect rather than romantic (i am just an nd queer on the interweb, can you blame me for yearning for found family?), but hadn't found any i really liked other than the tarot sequence by kd edwards (very good read, would highly recommend.)
also not to be a nerd but ohhhh my god i am so obsessed with the plot with mifune.
like i know the series takes place after that, and after the fallout of that, but just. wow. imagine devoting your entire being to another, to the point where you would readily die for them and their word, and then they die. they die, and you did everything you could to honor them in that death, but they're still gone.
like... that emptiness stays with you. you don't just get over that. maybe it's the "being raised in a cult" but wow, do i empathize with that.
idk if we explore more about the fallout/exact history with mifune/immediately following mifune's death but there is so much writing potential there. if i was not embroiled within turtle hell and 50,000 words deep in a multi-chapter fic already, i would absolutely write something for it.
like. this is adjacent to your interest in the topic, but can you just imagine (/rhetorical /general you.) as far as we know, he spent five days on the battlefield before he made it out to the tangled skein.
(which is one of my favorite additions like good god holy shit. that is so cool and angsty. your lord, days after dying, appears as a fucking ghost and saves you. like, if i were to be silly and funky, i would absolutely headcanon that as the reason that he was able to stand up and continue on. because i mean... what else? what else could motivate you to stand up once more after something like that?)
(well. honor. but mifune is the physical manifestation of honor in the narrative, so same difference? it's like both thematically significant and emotionally significant and-- ok im shutting up now. but i could talk for days, istg.)
but like. how do you reconstruct yourself from that? we see him holding tight to this sense of honor, even after his lord is gone, sent reeling (adrift in the waves) with only his soul and moral compass to hold to.
which makes it hurt so much more when we see these ideals of honor-- this ghost of a man, of a life, still haunting him years after the event-- still woven through the narrative, made to specifically conflict his deepest wants.
i joke about it a lot on my fic discord (i have a whole channel called 'father-material' devoted to just pictures of him hanging out with/taking care of kids), but something that seems very important to him is wanting to be a father figure, and wanting these connections to family and friends.
but that is contrasted against these ideas of honor, the very thing he built and rebuilt his foundation off of after it was torn away from him. and it's just so incredibly painful but also it makes sense, because he can't just give up the side of himself that is a samurai. too much of his person, his characterization, is built off of this.
to see it constantly clash with this want to settle down and finally rest, devote himself to his relationships/family rather than the code of bushido-- the very essence of honor itself-- ourgh ourgh ourgh its so good
(put aside the fact that he once said he could never serve another lord, and we know from the story that the idea of a "lord" can be more than just a person... he never stopped serving mifune, not truly. he still upholds the ideas of honor that mifune stood for/represented. as if his lord never truly left him.)
...i was going to say more, but then i realized this turned into a whole-ass mini-analysis, so i'm forcing myself to stfu. but basically: i have feelings about this series, man (/gender neutral).
anyway. if you ever do put something together, i would love to read/follow it! if i ever wrote something, it would probably be exploring the direct fallout of losing mifune, so hey, different niches but similar (:
also: never be anxious about talking to me ever in any way possible. i will probably be even more annoying than you in tags/asks/everything under the sun, and i do genuinely love talking to people who share my interests (typically about those interests.) i like to pretend i am an internet Cool Guy, however, it is a flimsy veneer to hide all the cringefail swaglessness and unending mental illness about my blorbos
(...i am so tempted to just invite you to my og turtle discord server so i can annoy you about usagi on the regular. also about what my reimagining of yuichi would be, because i have so, so many ideas.
i will refrain, but if you would be interested, it has been kinda dead as of late, so it would be nice to enrich the ecosystem a little by slowly collecting other usagi-interested individuals and slowly taking it over, one by one (/j /lh).)
anyway, same thing goes for me with my posts/asks/reblogs/messages/whatever. i am so very earnest, so if that puts you off, that's very chill and fine. however, as long as you're down to vibe, i am similarly down to vibe >:D
i once more apologize for this monstrosity of a reply. i would say it won't happen again, but my reading comprehension apparently does not extend to the "all things in moderation" maxim. instead i choose maximalism (to the max)
(sorry for that joke. yeah that will also happen again. sorry. /lh /pos)
#confessionals#i love my moots#many-wings#@many-wings#usagi yojimbo#uy#miyamoto usagi#long post#tw long post#thank you for the ask!!#i could talk about this stuff forever haha#also congrats on the realization/diagnosis!!#(:#i hope this was all coherent#(i am a bit mentally unwell about this series if you somehow couldn't tell /lh)#you do not know how much i have wanted to scream about this to someone. you *do not know.* /pos#i love all my moots but they are not aware of how much space uy takes up in my brain constantly all the time#usagi yojimbo analysis#miyamoto usagi analysis#(feel like i should tag it as that haha)#i know i know i know i should be working on 'it was futile' but this has inspired me to do that quick uy analysis post i was thinking about#so look out for that (usagi be upon ye)#oh hey that's a good uy tag. mine now#usagi be upon ye#also you reminded me i wanted to make an uy sideblog. i never make side blogs but very few of my moots are into uy as well#so i might as well contain it elsewhere /lh#the name i wanted is gone but it's fine i can work with it
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your love post about dream just reminded me of something he said during a space. i can’t remember the exact words but it was something along the lines of understanding where his antis are coming from when they hate him for whatever he says or does bc you’re a different person in the perspectives of other people. and i remember being stumped when he said that cause that’s such a mature mindset to have? i love how he tries to do good, and at the same time i feel like he knows when to accept when he can’t change people’s minds. i obvi can’t read his mind but that’s how i interpreted it. but it just sucks now cause it’s a whole different story when it’s someone as close to him as tommy being at the opposing side :( i think we all know how hurt he is based on his likes, but i really hope it works out for him in the end, whether he makes up with tommy or not. i just want him to be at peace
i don’t know how articulate i am with this cause english isn’t my first language and i hopeeee i don’t sound too parasocial? 😭
good morning anon. youre so good dw about it i dont think you sound too parasocial at all. your english is great :) this got way too long so putting it under a readmore
i keep thinking about his "the internet is cold" statement and the way he doesnt immediately attribute someone disliking him to something malicious. he just kinda understands a lot of the shit against him is unserious at the end of the day and laughs it off which is admirable and maybe a bit scary (TO ME). i talked on priv a while back about him always reaching out to other ccs after they talk shit about him to clear up miscommunication over an assumption about HIS character, values, etc which is really mature and a minor droloism of mine but whatever. what makes this different is that it's someone he considered a close friend and very public shade/misrepresentation over another situation involving a personal project where he got burned by another "friend" like... thats just pure betrayal. i'd be pissed too! i'd be sooo mad OMG i'd rain hell on people.
the grind and fame seduces like no other... unfortunately most people value outrage and a quick buck and laugh over sincerity nuance and longevity and well thats the case with most dream discussions/mentions on the internet :( i feel conflicted because on one hand cc friendships and partnerships etc are awesome and amazing but there comes a point where most of the time shit happens (clout, money, etc) and they end messily so while i am sad about it sometimes it is the way it goes and not even dream is immune from that as a cc (snf munchy exempted). like its very danplan/try guys fallout to me (not exact matches but you get what i mean) its happened before and it has and will continue to happen to dream.
still feel really sad about it though because it was a really beautiful friendship born out of mutual respect and passion for the craft. loving people is scary as fuck because you dont know if or when they're gonna turn on you but we still do it anyway. i dont think its overly parasocial to say you wish him peace no matter what; at the end of the day he IS another guy and its not wrong to wish good on people you dont know. i hope it works out too :( many virtual hugs anonnie sorry for these walls of text jfc
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Some deeper thoughts about Evolution and disability, from someone with a neurological disease. TW for discussion of body horror and ableism, and obligatory disclaimer I’m not a medical professional in any way and this comes from my own experience
The Naturalist had the stone-tentacle key embedded in his neck. I’m not sure if it was intentional on the writers’ part or a coincidence, but the symptoms the Naturalist displayed were very accurate for disabilities that affect the back of the brain and spine. Source: I live with Chiari Malformation (I’m private about sharing my health history but if you want to DM me I’d be more willing to talk). Dizziness, nausea, headaches, balance issues, difficulty breathing and swallowing to the point you cannot stand up or function at all (my situation very fortunately isn’t that severe, so rest assured). We see the Naturalist stumbling and leaning on the wall, struggling to breathe, refusing food, unable to even move before you give him the life potion.
My reaction was discomfort, obviously, with how personal the issue is for me lol. The process of the surgery in Part 3 was the worst, seeing someone willingly do that to themself with no way to intervene and then leaving them in pain. I just wanted to help the Naturalist more than we were able to, lend him a cane or a walking stick at the minimum. At least I was able to choose to argue with the monks that he wasn’t in a state to do physical activity. I play a disabled character because I am disabled and both of us will bite people for being ableist, so I was happy there was an option for that.
I know the weird horror at Godfall removed the key from this Naturalist and saved his life, but I’d be interested to see if he continued to have symptoms. Not a fan of the magic erasing disabilities trope. Damage to the central nervous system isn’t easily healed. In the real world, when surgery is done on the back of the head and neck, the pain is resolved, but symptoms linger where damage has already been done, and there’s a nontrivial risk factor for further complications (spinal taps, additional surgeries, infection, worsening nausea, oof). I’d be curious to see how the Naturalist copes with the fallout of this and hope the game doesn’t hand wave it away.
This also leads into the issue of how body horror often falls into ableism. What the Naturalist dealt with is near identical to my real disability, and I didn’t enjoy seeing it play out in a horror context. “Oh, isn’t it so scary that human pride in pushing the limits of science destroys the body” well, it loses its novelty when you deal with these exact issues every day of your life! This isn't scary or fantastic, it's someone's real life. What is scary is when it is your life and you have to constantly worry about paralysis or degeneration. This horror is dehumanizing. Neurological diseases are serious medical conditions, not a horror trope. The Naturalist got sick as “punishment” for going too far in his research and then is “saved” through deus ex machina by choosing a better direction in life. I’m sick because of the grievous and hubristic error of being born with this arrangement of DNA, and there’s no magical cure for me. Literally, he prayed really hard to a spooky saint and got healed. “If you have enough faith in God your disability will go away” “If you did all the ‘right’ things and just tried hard enough you wouldn’t be so sick anymore” shut up shut up shut up.
I wish we had more positive disability representation in the game.
#fl crit#ableism#i debated not posting this but i had Feelings#dare i maintag it#fallen london#body horror#evolution spoilers#i couldn't pinpoint what about it specifically bothered me until typing up the part about ableism and YEAH#posting before i get too angry and going outside to stare at a tree for half an hour now#feel like I was too harsh here but it is my neck so
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30 Ways To Say "I Love You" (1/30)
30 Days of Fic: June Addition.
DAY ONE: "It's two sugars, right?" (prompt 64)
day 1 | post never again | pre cancer arc | wc; 381 | ao3 | @today-in-fic
A new series I'm going to be writing all throughout June. Nothing special about this month in particular (aside from my birthday) just a little challenge to get back into writing. Posting this early to get it out of my system and see the reception. The rest will be posted from June 2nd onwards.
How It Was Before.
All day you had been dreadful to her; nit-picking and snapping at her for, what you came to realise, no reason. It wasn’t her fault the Bureau had denied another case to be investigated. In fact, she had tried to argue its legitimacy but they didn’t want to hear it and you hadn’t wanted to hear her apologies as you stormed out of the Cheif’s office.
Things were still tense between the two of you anyway. The Jerse…case? Situation? Occurrence? … The Philadelphia case still hung in the air. The cuts and bruises on her body had healed now but not your hurt feelings. She wasn’t being completely forthcoming about something as well and it was niggling at you. Whether a direct consequence to your fallout or something other, you weren’t sure, you just wished your partnership- and friendship- could go back to how it was.
You return from the little café down the road and venture over to her area.
“It was two sugars, right?” you ask.
Startled, she glances up at you and the coffee cup in your hand.
“That’s right,” she confirms, taking the cup from you.
So engrossed in her pile of reports she hadn’t notice you gone. She had fallen behind on reports lately, so uncharacteristically unlike her.
She takes a sip, a little sigh escaping her lips. Maybe she was expecting vending machine coffee from the cafeteria and not the good kind.
“I’ve been an ass to you lately and I wanted to apologise,” you admit.
Scully smiles, taking another sip. “Apology accepted,” she says.
You think about that thing she’s hiding.
“You can talk to me about anything. You know that right?”
You wait as she puts her cup down. Maybe she’ll use what you said as an opening to tell you what’s on her mind.
But, alas, she does not.
“I am sorry about what happened,” she says instead of.
You nod, unsure if she’s talking about their recent failed case upstairs or Jerse.
“I tried to fight it.”
Still unsure to which she is referring to, you accept it as either.
“I know. Enjoy your coffee, Scully.”
You return to your desk as she returns to her reports. You hope this is the start of getting back to how it was before.
#the x-files#the x files#txf fic#xfiles fanfiction#30 days#30 days of prompts#i love you prompts#post never again#pre cancer arc#scullysexualwrites
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(pd spoilers in case you don't want to see this) dakota and william havent fought yet because they are trying to help two different people (with very time-sensitive tasks) and so william is doing extremely morally ambiguous things w/ vyncent while dakota is off helping the other person. william is thinking of what dakota would do in his situation, but he states that "i'm not [dakota]" in the intro of ep 32. william also states that he only believes in heroes because of dakota (ep 31). once they meet up again its all probably going to shit, and it's likely that it'll happen in ep 33 because it's been so hyped up (editor for pd says it gets so much worse??) (condi cried????) (i feel fear)
thank you so much for this update 💪💪 I think I might wait until after ep 33 to try and catch up lol o(-( maybeee after ep 34 drops too.. anyway major Ws and soon I’ll take a major L but that’s okay bc I kinda want them to fight a little<3 just like. I’m also not very Good with pcs infighting (it’s kind of taxing to me ig) so I’m also hoping it can clear up kinda quickly.. so I guess I’ll see what the general reaction to the next couple eps are!
anyway thanks again! sorry I took so long to answer this I went to sleep and then like immediately had to go to work 😔✌️
also I am Worried for ep 33 as much as I am kinda excited o(-( ghostkicks wins and losses aside the fallout of whatever’s happening sounds like it’s going to hit hard
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Anyone feel like their yt passing looks ends up getting them in weird situations at work? I have a boss that's trying to be better at taking her privilege into account but I feel like she's a little too comfortable confiding in me about her mistakes to the point that I wonder if she just views me as completely yt like her even tho I am MENA and can face racism in some cases. I'm in the US, which makes me feel even worse bc even institutionally I'm erased.
i am so sorry for your distress! colourism and featureism play a huge part in this, anon. many white people feel "safer" to be more open about their racism with people of colour who seem (to them) to have more proximity to whiteness because they view us as assimilated or just less Other. often they'll even say things like, "you're one of the good ones." i hope you know you don't owe people who treat you like this anything and you don't deserve to be subjected to erasure, whether its your boss using you as a therapist or any institution. also, remember the only reason SWANA/MENA people in the US are classified as "white" is because claiming whiteness was the only way the courts would allow SWANA folks to seek asylum in the US. classification of SWANA people as white in the US is not a determinate of who you are, it is an act of colonial imperialism, and I am sorry you're dealing with the fallout. you deserve better. x
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I have reason to believe something is going on that is kind of weird.
I’ve been waking up early lately for the past couple of weeks.
I go to bed late, and don't feel tired with or without coffee.
My eyes are burning, tingling as well as my cheeks. Idk if its because I started wearing my prescription glasses 2 years ago because my eyes have been hurting for several days lately. My eyes tear all the time. I believe I could be allergic to ingredients in some mascaras, I end up looking like a racoon or have to constantly wipe away fallout and prevent my eyes from burning.
I’ve been putting more effort into my appearance, make up, hair and dress.
I have all these ideas buzzing around my brain, I want to make xmas cards and such but I feel weird about all of this. I’m always avoiding being depressed or trying to keep my mind upbeat but Im feeling like this, in my gut is scary and possibly a potential warning.
No naps the past couple of weeks.
No depression, feeling ‘good’.
I just assume everything is fine but I feel like there’s warning signs happening when I had that bad time in 2015. One of the hardest things. I had to become more self-aware. Going forward from there, I had no experiences after my hospital stay. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to have problems. I usually get depressed near the holidays, now I feel good about them and excited, which I also fear getting bad again. I take my meds. Why am I feeling like this?
But yesterday, I woke up at 3:30am after going to sleep at 930-10 pm and I have stayed awake.
I got tired around 4-5:00 pm and laid down and calmed down without my phone, without my computer and simply cleaned while listening to music.
I’ve been non-stop for days. Very motivated, but I also feel unproductive.
It is currently 1 in the morning, overwhelmed, overloaded, not tired at all whatsoever. I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I think I’m suffering from stress related anxiety,adhd side-effects, and it’s affecting my mood. I honestly hope I am not having a relapse of mania. I haven’t had any issues in a long time. I hope it improves and doesn’t get bad. I desperately don’t want to ruin my life again. I have been doing so good for the time being and I thought I was doing good. I’m constantly over-thinking. I constantly have to feel like being mindful of what I say in any and all situations. I take so long to respond to friends and such. I feel like I’m constantly afraid of improvisational interpersonal difficulty.
I’ve been stressed financially for a long time, at least a few years. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking the worst. Outside I’m fine but inside I’m always a walking contradiction, my mind says one thing, my heart wants another and my brain too wants something completely different sometimes. I have trouble making some decisions. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I want to find a way to combat this before it gets out of control though. I don’t even know what the first steps are to start this.
Sometimes I wish I got therapy in college because I struggled badly through those years. I was absolutely miserable and I’m a nervous wreck at my own graduation. I hate making mistakes and shit I regret a lot about that time. I struggle now because of those decisions.
When I did get help it wasn’t until recently that I started feeling weird. I can’t calm down. I feel like I want to do fifty million things at once. This is really rough and bad. I’m going to try to calm down, wind down, get off the computer and get a little bit of sleep. Am I ok?
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>> tear myself apart by tate mcrae
task003 - pt.01
tw: depression, guilt, anxiety, impending doom, slight suicidal thoughts, death mention
the day of christopher nash’s memorial... robin couldn’t bring herself to go, opting to sit in her room, lights never turned on. her heart was with the family, but a gnawing feeling of responsibility was clawing its way up her throat. it felt as though she needed to cry but physically couldn’t, so it traveled through her body in shivers. after everything they had lost, after everything they had been through, witnessed, done.
this wasn’t the path she expected to find herself down, surrounded by people who understood yet feeling oh so alone. what would happen next was up in the air, a guess to anyone, and robin felt something in the pit of her stomach that insisted it would be bad, and there was a lot she wanted to get out before it was her time. so much she needed to say that she could never really say out loud, or simply wouldn’t allow herself.
so she grabbed a pen and paper. first ammends: herself - the child that had everything and then had it taken away.
hi,
i was going to write "dear robin" but that just feels stupid, doesn't it? i wish i had your ignorance right about now. if i told you what was going on, you would think i was lying anyway, that it was just another crazy movie plot that mom was going to yell at us for. but just listen, okay?
why am i writing now? well... it’s hard to explain. i’ve thought about you; missed you. after trying so hard to forget all those bad times, i feel like i can’t anymore. i can’t run anymore. to be who i need to be, i need to be you too.
there’s a memorial today for a kid that... probably went through hell, if i’m being honest. i should’ve done something; i could’ve done more. am i to blame? maybe if i hadn’t tried to bury it like everything else in our life, if i didn’t want our life to be normal so bad, maybe i could’ve looked harder, talked to the right people, actually helped and not hid like a fucking coward.
i’m selfish. maybe it should’ve been me. not you, but me, because we are not the same anymore, and i don’t know when exactly that happened.
i tried so hard to stay true to you, but maybe i am just like mom and dad. i just go along with what people tell me, what’s easy, go where they tell me, and then i’m left with the fallout when things go bad. i know there’s nothing i logically could’ve done, but it doesn’t feel like it. there’s the shape of a dead kid in my heart that will never be filled because of what i failed to stop!
fuck this isn’t what i wanted, any of it, but i have to remember, it’s not all bad. you’ve found a family of sorts; of misfits that make you feel like maybe, somehow, you do belong in this big, strange world. there’s this guy named steve who completely ignored us in high school, but actually turned out to be really cool. we’ve gone through some really awful situations, but he’s always with you at the end of it. he’s our best friend, and we feel so safe with him, i wish you could’ve met him. eddie is like looking in a mirror, you would’ve loved him. everyone calls him a freak, and every time it kills you a little inside. you want to protect him, but all you can do is make him smile when you get the chance. and max is the best little sister who you silently vow to always watch over. she’s feisty and reminds me a lot of us to be honest, before... before everything got so bad.
i'm sorry, rob. truly. i had hoped to have better news for us by now. you deserve so much better, and if i do make it through this, all of this, i promise to do right by you.
even if it kills me, she wants to add, but doesn’t. there are wet spots on the paper, but she doesn’t think about them. she wants to burn it, but she’s tired, so she tosses it in a drawer and forgets about it.
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