#i also took classes and am also on the internet and know when a blog (cause thats what its on. blogs) is lying

[art]

Creator Spotlight: @textless​​

Hi! My name is Amadee, and I am a librarian who lives in Arizona. I also love taking photos in my spare time.

Check out our interview with Amadee below!

What got you started in photography?

Both of my parents were very interested in photography. I’d always loved looking at their work, and in high school, I got a 35mm camera as a gift, so I could start taking photos myself. Back then (in the actual 80s), HS students in the Minneapolis area could take classes at area colleges for dual credit. I started taking photo classes at the University of Minnesota and had access to a darkroom and nearly unlimited film and processing supplies without realizing just how amazing that was. I took many photos of friends, acquaintances, and strangers, and I loved looking at work by Nan Goldin and Bill Owens. After college, without access to a darkroom, I stopped taking pictures almost entirely.

How has technology changed the way you approach your work?

Bluntly, technology allowed me to start taking photos again. The first digital cameras I tried in the early 2000s were terrible: slow, clunky, and with next to no storage capacity. Even so, they seemed like the first step in an interesting direction. By 2008 or so, I had a point-and-shoot digital camera and rediscovered what I loved about photography… except that I no longer wanted to take pictures of people. Soon I started taking photos of tiny things, especially insects, and my little camera wasn’t up to the task. I got a DSLR with a macro lens in 2010 and haven’t stopped taking photos since.

I know many photographers who are nostalgic for film, whether or not they were around in the analog era. More power to anyone who wants to spend the time and money, but I don’t miss film even a little. For the kind of photography I enjoy, which is almost entirely documentary, the ability to take an unlimited number of photos, and see what did or didn’t work right away, makes all the difference.

You've also written books in the past—what was the most challenging, yet rewarding part of the process?

I was a children’s librarian for many years and just love books. So, when I started writing, I hoped to create books that would connect with kids and spark their imagination. Cortez the Gnome was a book I would have liked to see as a kid, and the art project elements were fun and frustrating. Gentle Hands filled what felt like a gap in my storytimes and gave me a chance to work with a publisher I like very much. Alas, my biggest challenge is that I haven’t had an idea in years! I write occasional blog posts for Free Spirit on topics related to serving youth, but working with kids was the spark for new ideas, and these days my work is mostly admin. I enjoy it more than I would have guessed years ago, but as a wellspring of inspiration, it is not.

How do you create healthy boundaries in balancing your day job and personal aspirations?

Work comes first every time. That might sound like a drag, but I truly like my job and think library service is critically important. In some of the tiny communities we serve, the library is the only gathering place open to everyone, and the only place to access fast internet, enrichment activities for kids, books, movies, and all kinds of other good stuff. I love taking photos, but I would hate to make a job of it.

What is the hardest part of your process?

The process itself is just fun, and I’d stop if it weren’t. I used to stress about editing and posting photos soon after taking them because I wanted to create a sort of nature journal in real-ish time. That wasn’t sustainable, partly because the subjects that interest me are so seasonal. I might take 2,000 photos in August (peak macro season here), but only 100 in February. Now I just try to indicate when photos were taken and know that I’m the only person who particularly cares about that. For years I posted six new photos each day. Now I generally post two and skip days or longer whenever it suits me.

Right now, the biggest challenges are external. First, my vision is less and less sharp. It’s nothing severe, just a function of age, but it makes me think I’d better develop an interest in non-tiny subjects at some point. Second, some small but annoying health problems have kept me from getting out much over the last year. I used to take a hike or long walk at least once or twice a week, and more in peak bug season. Since last September, I’ve taken two longish walks and mostly stuck to the yard. On the plus side, it’s an excellent yard with an ever-growing assortment of interesting plants and insects.

While this is frustrating in some ways, it’s also a distillation of something I have always liked. Even when I was hiking all the time, I enjoyed going back to the same places, again and again, getting to know them in detail and watching the seasons roll through. Staying so close to home this year has been an extreme version of that, and some aspects of that have been very satisfying.

I should also say, for the record, that I am not technical at all. I’m not interested in new gear as long for its own sake, and I don’t like messing with camera settings or anything fiddly. My favorite piece of photo advice ever was “f/8 and be there,” which I took to mean finding a basic setup you like and focusing on the subject at hand. I like finding strange or beautiful things that other people might not notice and trying to make them interesting to a wider audience. (Wider than just me, that is.)

What is something you would love to photograph but haven't had the chance to yet? Why?

This is oddly specific, but I desperately want to find an Arizona Unicorn Mantis (Pseudovates arizonae; check out the photos here). Several have been spotted within two miles of my house, but I have never found one yet. They are otherworldly and just fascinating. Insect goals!

Are there similarities or differences in your workflow when it comes to photography and writing?

Mostly difference in that photography is relaxing, and writing is nearly impossible, at least right now.

Who on Tumblr inspires you and why?

There are several excellent photographers who live in my corner of Arizona, and I love their work because it shows different aspects of a place I care about. Also, their photos are just gorgeous.

@fatchance​ is practically a neighbor and an all-around lovely person. He takes beautiful pictures of birds and desert flora, and unlike me, he takes the time to learn about and share good information about his subjects.

@thelostcanyon​ is another south-eastern AZ photographer I admire, and he is also a very good painter.

@inlandwest​ is actually my partner. We’ve lived all over the west together, and I like that his wide-open-spaces aesthetic is so different from my focus on the little things.

A little farther afield, I love @macroramblings​, and Celeste, of @celestialmacros​, @celestialphotography​, and @occasionallybirds​, for their beautiful macro work.  @mostlythemarsh​ is another long-time favorite. He’s not a macro photographer, for the most part, but I like seeing familiar places through the seasons, and I like the stark difference between his environment (east coast/Canada) and my own.

Thanks for such wonderful answers, Amadee. Check out her beautiful photography work over at her Tumblr, @textless​!

#creator spotlight #photographers on tumblr #writers on tumblr #macro photography #textless #insects #bugblr

[answersfromzestual]

Do you ever get sent anon hate? If so does it tend to fall into certain categories of the types of shit they say? Do you ever laugh at it /is there any you've gotten that have been so outlandish they've made you laugh? and do you have any advice for people who receive transphobic anons? Cheers

Actually, I don't think I've received transphobic hate on this blog in a few months. People usually have another agenda to try to bring me down...

But these hates? I laugh and think they are just uneducated boobs. They dont know me (or you). But at the end of the day, I report, block, and log off. I see you all as my (grown) kids. I'm not going to stop helping people because some faceless turd decided to take their anger and confusion out on me.

When I got trans hate, it was in the realm of you know you're actually not a real man. You're a pedophile. Stop telling people to mutilate themselves. That bull scat. At the end of the day, I know I'm a man, and I help people feel more comfortable, and I help children not hurt them. For me, it's really easy to laugh off internet hate towards me.

I grew up without the internet. I didn't have it until high school. I faced so much face to face hate, physical altercations, and much colder words, especially by people I looked up to and loved...

With that said it's easier for me to dismiss someone who will talk smack but not show their face.

If someone doesn't even show their blog/face, it's sad. It's already an anonymous site, so I see these people as pathetic.

But my advice

Report and block, for your blog.

For your head, these people are PATHETIC and SAD and not worth your time. These people are taking out their insecurities on you. They are so uncomfortable in their skin that they project it onto you. These people don't even have the stones to use their blog name... that shows they are ashamed of what they are saying subconsciously (especially since this site is anonymous). Being a therapist/ social worker, I took a LOT of psychology courses. And that's what they are doing. They need to hurt you to feel better about themselves. At the end of the day, they don't pay your bills. They don't deserve rent inside your head. They are just a whisper in a hurricane to me.

Something a Proffesor said during class "projection is nothing about you, all about that person and their own insecurities." So I laugh because what that person says is untrue then feel bad for these people. They are so unhappy that they need to put others down to feel better. That doesn't say "I'm a happy person," according to psychology.

I am also on a lot, so if you ever need to talk about a nasty, ask I'm here ❤️

I love you all, and don't let some whisper ruin your ROAR. You are amazing, beautiful, talented, and loved.

Stay Golden Anon ✌️ 💙 💜

#transgender #trans ftm #anon question #anon hate #how to deal with anon hate #how to deal with hateful anons #being trans and receiving anon hate #ftm transition #ftm surgery educational blog #they are sad and pathetic #it isnt true #I LOVE YOU #I will fight for all of you #hate whispers love roars

[brazenautomaton]

I don't know what kind of prophetic vision you must have had when you made that post about strawmen that's become a meme, because my gosh your blog somehow attracts responders that fit that behavior exactly.

As an actual response to your post, I've got two (kinda pointless) thoughts.

One, your commentary on how people can say verifiably false statements about corporations without being challenged reminded me of an old forum thread on how 9-11 truthers use vague and logically valid but not sound statements to appear reasonable. E.g. "how could a terrorist cell operating out of a bunch of desert caves fly an airplane the way they did?" despite there being verifiable proof the hijackers lived in western cities and literally went to flight school in the US. Their statement being internally valid (from a layman's understanding) lets them motte-and-bailey when you point out how unsound the statement is in context. Internet communists are essentially these people except they somehow got an argumentative majority.

Two, assuming what I just said is true, I am completely stumped as to how these people became the majority at all. Any explanation I come up with for why, in the early stages of this rhetoric on the internet, nobody would just...point out the lie and undercut the whole talking point requires the communist's statement to already be the majority opinion/moral high ground. Thus, the rhetorical apparatus to debate/criticize communist talking points (and be taken seriously) had to be removed before these talking points started invading every space. Or, to use your term, the ability to ignore the rules had to have been established before communist talking points took over the internet, which I would assume would necessitate interference from outside the internet. I just don't know where that interference came from.

Apologies if this is an unreadable wall of text, I'm on mobile. Your posts on this topic are very thought provoking.

because communism is extremely flattering to the biases of a certain type of person, and that person is also very often the type of person who is an Opinion Leader and Taste Maker and who decides what Is Talked About, so communism has always gotten a free pass, always had things bent over to excuse it. if you weren't a conservative you always had the obligation to view communists as "maybe taking it too far" instead of "murderously violent and always wrong." the chattering class and social elite were covering up and excusing all kinds of communist revolutionary violence in the 70s because oh their hearts are in the right place, what are you senator mccarthy?

it's supposed to be laughable that anyone would complain about hillary clinton being close to that dude from weatherman when like -- yes a communist revolutionary is a thing to be concerned about! if the right wing was one tenth as accepting of fascists as the left were of communists, these people would be planting bombs in government buildings, but it's always okay for communists.

communism is an ideology of pure intellectual laziness, and it is the exact shape of the intellectual laziness that people with inherent social power have. it's too flattering to them to ever reject.

[miwauko]

@/moonjellifish i think you're forgetting to add the part where you took my words out of context and opened up a space where ppl can be openly racist towards me + send INCREDIBLY racist asks and death threats as well. random people on here that i didn't even know existed were saying the nastiest things about me because you kept twisting my words and making it seem like i came at you for no reason. lets also talk ab how you accused me of "stealing" from you (but when i said that ab u im the bad guy and i got shut down?) and accused my friends and i of making fake accs to ruin your blog and friendships? unlike you im in college, i teach a ballet class, and i have a fucking life in general you bum. i have better things to do than harass someone on the internet.

you demonized me as a black woman for MONTHS. not only that, but you said some very ignorant things towards the black community such as calling us "blacks" and said im using my race as a weapon when you literally offended my race many times and even in my own comments. don't ever speak on the black community or any other community ever again. don't ever speak on ME again. all i wanted you to do is stop finding my personals and private accounts that i dont even give out and leave me alone. instead you twisted my narrative when i don't even fucking know you. i did not "steal ur user" its ai yazawa's NAME and i swapped two letters just like i did in previous users of mine. how am i supposed to know an older user was yours? you were just finding any reason possible to come at me aggressively while painting me out to be the aggressive one.

i've found out so many nasty things you've said abt me and how racist you are over these past few months. i don't know why you're even acting like you care now because you don't. if you did you would've changed your behavior months ago but like i said, you came up with a bunch of excuses to save yourself and demonize me for no reason. you're only apologizing cos you got called out (again) for offending the black and asian community. please stop making up lies about me and others because if i find something out i have no issue posting about this on another platform i have and letting people come at you JUST how you had people come at me. maybe then you'll actually develop some common sense and stop being a terrible person.

by the way, your apology isn't sincere because you didn't write it yourself and you've been shit talking me and other ppl for months. you'll most likely see this sooner or later and make a very passive aggressive post yet again to make it seem like im coming at you for no reason. you aren't sorry at all, you truly dont give a fuck.

#dni with me if u follow her btw :p #u also cant call us blacks when u know its offensive then suddenly post blk ppl to somehow made it seem like u care ab us #instead of addressing only one thing you should address the ACTUAL people you hurt & everything that you did to us

[cedarboughs]

...for no holier temple has ever been consecrated by the heart of man — John Muir

Through all the years—decades!—that I’ve been passing through Lake Louise, Summiting Mt. Temple is something that’s always seemed a sort of unattainable dream, something for a higher class of mountain-lover to have achieved, to inspire us mere mortals. It’s the profile of the mountain, as seen from the Bow Valley, I think. It’s not only that it’s the highest summit in the area, it’s that it’s such a mountainous mountain. It shares that unique distinction also belonging to Assiniboine, Sir Donald, Robson, Everest and the Matterhorn, that great triangular prominence that makes it appear the prototypical, platonic ideal mountain. The glacier on the north aspect, plainly visible from the highway, just adds to that. It’s the topping splash of white on every child’s doodle of A Mountain.

But all those thoughts came before I ended up living, at least for a few short months, at the base of this Ultimate Mountain (at least of Upper Banff Park.) Before my friends made plans to do the south ridge scramble on what happened to be my day off. The weather was looking clear, and against all odds, there was space on the morning bus. The summer stars had aligned. I would summit Temple or turn back, and maybe never get such a chance again.

I bought two sandwiches and some dark chocolate, lay out layers, set an alarm, and went to bed as soon as I could get everything sorted.

When I say I got the early bus, I mean the early bus. The party I was joining (S and J, nameless and with no close-ups included to keep this blog anonymous,) had seats for the 5:00 AM to Moraine Lake. That was full by the time I was out of the deep, dark valley where I work and could send an email to affirm a seat. I managed to get on the 4:00 AM, figuring I could meet them on the trail before the scramble. Leave the house at 3:30. Wake at 2:30. By my calculation I could get five and a half hours of sleep at best. The perfect state for exposure climbing.

My driver was a cheerful man who tried to give a bit of a spiel about the valley's history and attractions. I suspect he did this more successfully at more civilized hours of the morning.

Most of the bus hung around the parking lot, probably hoping to wait around for sunrise on the Rockpile. There were four of us bound for higher elevations. Two sped off far ahead, and I departed in close step with a guy named Dan. If you've ever been on the internet at all, then you've seen The Photo, so you know what view I had.

Except that, you know, it was 4:30 AM, so.

So, yeah, no crystal blue. But in my shot you can see another piece of providence. That waning gibbous supermoon lit up the trail like not quite day, but better than any sphere I could ever have dared to hope for that long before dawn. Dan had a headlamp glaring down along the trail in front of him, but I was happy to keep mine in my pack and walk by the spectacular moonlight. We more or less stuck together for safety, checking in as we leapfrogged through the night woods on the switchbacks up to Larch Valley, but I took some space on purpose just so that my eyes wouldn't be washed out by his light. Plus, my preferred vocal bear deterrent (not usually needed in such a busy spot, but again: 4:30 AM) is full ballads and shoddy Lord Huron covers, so you want space from humans for that. Look, saying "Hey Bear!" every five minutes, as Dan was doing, just isn't as much fun.

Orion was clearly visible reclining backwards over the silhouette of the Deltaform as we entered the more open ground of Larch Valley. Dan set up here to film the sunrise and I carried on alone.

While back towards the highway, dawn began to rise, fading first all stars but Venus, and then the Morning Star too. 5:45 AM.

Light came on in earnest as I ascended the scree switchbacks to Sentinel Pass. A little sadly, Temple itself blocked out the sunrise, but from the pass I could see first alpenglow colour Mt. Lefroy across Paradise Valley. There I lay back in the shelter of the piled-rock windwall, ate an apple, and closed my eyes to pretend that the rest might count as an extra few minutes of sleep. 7:00 AM.

S and G arrived not too long later, finding me lying with my head on my pack. We had a quick second breakfast, helmeted up, and left the well-trod trail for the rough scrambling route up the scree, guided by S's book with its descriptions of landmarks. Most of the ascent is actually fairly banal, switching back and braiding across steep scree among more solid bits of slab, though of course the views are incredible.

The exciting bits are the three rock bands which require some scrambling. Chief among these is the second band, the crux of the whole route. Here about ten metres of proper vertical climbing are required up two small chimneys split by a small bench and marked with swatches of paint. In this picture, taken from the middle bench, G tackles the first chimney while S plans her route. 8:30 AM. The two others were on their way down, apparently after starting from the lake at 1:30 and hiking beneath auroras.

Paradise Valley spread ever farther below to the southwest. Horseshoe Lake's curves and islands grew more map-like as we climbed equal to, then above, the pinnacle of Mt. Hungabee. The shadow of Temple itself across the valley just proved what a mountain this mountain really is. Look at that triangle. 8:45 AM.

Coming onto the summit ridge, the wind suddenly howled from the west. Though there was still a few hundred metres of vertical remaining to the summit at this point, our altitude was already above all but the highest surrounding peaks, and we truly felt on top of the world. 9:45 AM.

At the summit. The glacier is visible behind, dropping away towards the Bow Valley. Just after 10:00 AM. Lake Louise village, highway interchange, and ski hill base is visible in the valley trees just behind S’s blue helmet. A wall of ominous wildfire smoke hangs on the Cascadian side of the Great Divide. We called family and friends to show off the spot, had a snack, and departed. As we did, a man showed up with a ukulele. As his embarrassed request, as much as we wanted to hear a song from the top of the world, we left him to strum some chords in solitude.

It had taken me five and a half hours to summit, and it took nearly as long to descend. We’d climbed 1600 vertical metres over seven and a half kilometres, to an ultimate altitude of 3544 metres. Temple is the third-highest point in Banff Park and one of only twelve 11,000-foot peaks in the entirety of the Canadian Rockies. For you adherents of Pythagorus, that’s a hypotenuse of just over 7700 metres, and an angle of Lots, because I’ve forgotten how to Socahtoa now that I’ve left Math 30-1. S’s Garmin had her at 30,000 steps for a low estimate. I saw Dan again on the way down, just above the crux, and wished him luck. I hope he made it, though I can’t see how he wouldn’t with as much as he had done. Our legs were six bits of jelly by the time we lay down in the tourist-thronged Moraine parking lot to wait for the bus. We’d worshipped at the Great Temple, and it was a worship that would stay with us forever.

#hiking #mountains #my photos #scrambling #alberta #banff national park #lake louise #adventurecore #queue

[xpc-web-dev]

typical sexism from you females.. Every girl with pronouns on their bio is so toxic bunch of hypocrites. Stop dividing against men. your paranoia and fear isn't a reflection of the reall world. youre just brainwashed and brainwashing other girls on social media spreading misinformation. typical stigma towards men on tech. none of yall take responsibillity for your own actions. not our fault not many of you are in this tech field. hypocrites.

Girls, in today's class we have a living example of what I said this week.

Never let a sexist, male chauvinist and misogynist man make you feel inferior, because he will definitely be stupid.

UHEHUEUEHUEHUEUEHHEUHEHUEHUE UEUUHEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

We even noticed that in addition to not knowing what sexism is, he has text interpretation problems, he is exactly what I said, because I didn't make a generalization (at no time did I say ALL MEN), if he offended is because he is exactly sexist, sexist and misogynistic.

And girls this makes a lot of sense because he is LITERALLY everything he said I am.

Soon he is talking about himself in 3rd person and I can prove it HUEUHUHUEUE.

1- He called me and called other women who put her/her in the bios of toxic and hypocritical, and it was precisely him who took the time to send me an aggressive message and probably with the intention of making me feel bad. Is this not toxic?

2- Then he says "you don't take responsibility for your own actions", BUT HE IS the one who sends me a 100% anonymous message, after all he doesn't want to ASSUME the RESPONSIBILITY of the consequence of talking shit to me. Too easy to text me aggressively but not allow me to return a reply on your dm, right?

3-Says I'm brainwashing you because I'm turning you against men and that's so sexist, he subjugates women to the point of indirectly saying that whoever reads what I said has no critical sense/cognitive ability to think for themselves only.

+ Besides, brainwashing is nothing less than manipulation, which is exactly what he's trying to do, make me feel bad and he's the owner of truth and justice.

+ And this is also so egocentric, the person has to be very mentally unbalanced to think that his opinion will manipulate a mass.

I'm just a regular person with a blog.

+++Guess someone's parents didn't warn them that the world doesn't revolve around their shitty little opinion UHEUHEUHEHUEHUE

4-Finally, the coolest thing, he is a hypocrite, because well, although I think he doesn't know the meaning of the terms he uses, he is a beautiful hypocrite.

He condemns certain actions and instead of having an aversion to them, he reproduces them.

Here in Brazil we have the meme " Finally the hypocrisy " and I think he would love it

Here the meme:

HUEUHEUHEUHEUUHEHUEUUHEHUEUHEHHUEUHEHUEHEUHEHUE

Now I want to give some advice:

- I usually ignore this kind of thing, when I notice that the person's problem is self-centeredness/want to attract attention with hate because their life is shit I ignore it because being ignored is a stab in their emotions.

But here, I wanted to answer because First I was like, Why is someone bothered by me??Then I laughed and I understood that he was very hurt just by my saying not to bow our heads to stupid men.

And what do men like that hate? Women smarter than them.

So why not show all the logical flaws in your argument?

IAnd also to show other women that we should NEVER shut up when someone wants to make us feel inferior, stupid or villainous/bad. Even more so if it's from a stranger on the internet or and especially someone from your personal life.

Insecurity and fear may exist, but I wish you can always have courage!

Be well, drink water and women you are amazing, capable and smart.

#woman in stem #womanintech #Don't bow your heads to stupid men #And please #if you're going to attack someone #make at least one fake profile. #It will still be cowardly #but it will be better than a 100% anonymous message HEHUEUHUEE

[lindwurmkai]

Due to reasons, I need to talk about my issues with the topic of "healthy eating" for a moment. I am not someone you'd expect to be outright triggered by diet talk because I didn't grow up fat and never exactly had an eating disorder. Now I am what people tend to call "small fat" and have tons of food allergies and sensitivities, but all of this started long before that.

So what happened there? I only dimly remember that people kept telling me I needed to eat better and exercise more and then surely my mystery symptoms would disappear. This was when I was 16 or so and we didn't have internet at home, so all I could do was read books and magazines. I quickly noticed that no one agreed on what exactly "healthy eating" meant. Instead of following the first piece of advice I found or haphazardly combining them all into "everything except vegetables is bad", I took the autistic route and tried to find The Truth.

This turned out to be impossible. People were still urging me to eat healthy and I just could not fucking figure out what that meant. At one point, I decided to at least cut out sweets because those were pretty unanimously considered bad, and I took this so far that I actually convinced myself and started telling everyone I didn't like sweets, so years later I suddenly had to somehow get it through my mother's head that this had only been a phase and I would indeed appreciate receiving sweets on birthdays and holidays.

Of course it had no effect whatsoever. Neither did the year I was vegetarian.

Another thing I remember is that my mother bought some kind of diet book for herself and I read it, too. But all the recipes in there used ingredients I had either never heard of or we just never had in the house, and many of them were expensive. Did my mother learn how to make any of these dishes or start buying the ingredients at least a little more often? No! I had this book and the knowledge that I was Supposed To Eat Healthy but absolutely no idea how to accomplish it, while at the same time questioning if the information in the book was even true because all other sources always contradicted each other.

Then my biology teacher saved me. We did this segment in class where she gave us a book on food myths and each student had to pick a chapter to hold a speech on. I think I chose the one about calories, which was not completely anti-dieting but mostly focused on the inaccurate methods used to determine how many calories different foods supposedly contain. The book was, in general, not quite on the level of modern fat acceptance but maybe 80% of the way there. I'm amazed she got away with teaching us that in class.

Now armed with the knowledge that there was actually a lot that science didn't know yet, explaining all the conflicting information I had seen, I felt reassured that I wasn't just "being difficult", but unfortunately I was still sick and people still kept telling me I had to eat better, exercise more, go to bed earlier, practise good sleep hygiene (which includes not eating late at night), and so on. My timeline of events is completely scrambled and I don't know if I continued making any half-assed diet attempts after that.

Fast forward to when I was 21 and my boyfriend's doctor told him that he had to lose weight in order to fix a health issue that had definitely not been caused by weight gain, which seemed illogical to me. He was on meds that would make losing weight very difficult, so I was concerned, and we had internet now. I stumbled upon fat acceptance blogs in my research, which reminded me of that book from biology class. It became a bit of a special interest.

Not much later, I developed fibromyalgia and also started hanging out on chronic illness blogs as well as those that combined the two topics. I learned a lot about various health conditions including ones I do not have and never even suspected I might have. I learned that doctors could not be blindly trusted, that symptoms being written off as psychosomatic was quite common, that most food-related pop "science" was still bullshit, that sustained deliberate weight loss was almost impossible and no one had even proven it would help.

Then I gained weight for the first time, without any changes in my eating habits or activity levels. I suspect, but cannot confirm, that this happened because I developed a sensitivity to wheat and one of my body's reactions to continuing to eat it was weight gain for some reason. Eventually it got so bad that I had painful diarrhea on a regular basis and started avoiding certain foods, got tested for Celiac's and lactose intolerance, tested negative, didn't understand what was going on but continued to avoid wheat and eventually also oats. The weight started to slowly come off. (I was not, according to any definition, eating "healthier" than before as a result of avoiding these ingredients btw.)

By then I had reached a point where being confronted with diet talk of any kind would give me panic attacks. It wasn't that the blogs made my existing issues worse; they just opened my eyes to how much I'd been mistreated for a decade and at the same time I was still constantly exposed to medical gaslighting. I was being actively retraumatised, of course it got worse! The food thing was just one trigger out of several, and I guess I became particularly sensitised to it for two reasons: because being confronted with misinformation and disrespect for the scientific method already tends to feel awful for many autistics, and then the nature of my trauma also made me overreact to pretty much anything that contradicted my lived experience.

I had tried many "lifestyle changes" without seeing any improvements in my health. I had gained weight without changing anything and lost it again without eating less or exercising more. I had even, at one point, tried to gain weight on purpose and failed?? Meanwhile my blood work always came back perfect no matter what my body currently looked like, much to my frustration since I was still looking for an explanation for my symptoms.

"Can't deal with claims that contradict my lived experience" is pretty much it. I also particularly love being told that sugar is addictive or some shit because I can sit next to a pile of sweets for hours without being tempted to eat it if I've already had enough sugar recently. There were times in my life where I had to rely on chocolate bars to get enough calories into my body, and let me tell you, those don't taste great when you're sick of sugar and don't want any more.

I just had to get this out of my system. I'm allowed to have strong feelings about this even though I never technically had an eating disorder. It all plays into my more general "authority figures invalidating my experiences" trauma anyway.

#if you start an argument on this post i will bite you #but I'm pretty sure my followers are cool #weirdo chronicles

[wisteria-lodge]

badger primary + burnt improvisational secondary

hi! i've deleted a large segment of this ramble because it is extremely long. last night i wrote a pretty ugly ramble but chose not to sent it off, instead i googled narcissistic personality disorder and i think that that is indeed a possible diagnosis for me (though i know self dx is not always gospel truth). that's the easiest diagnosis by occam's razor. getting an actual read on my own personality though in areas other than said disorder has been hard.

I’ve only got a layman’s knowledge and some anecdotal experience of NPD, but I’ll do my best. Obviously I can’t diagnose you either. I’ll give you my thoughts, but a true diagnosis isn’t possible or ethical. That said, narcissistic personality disorder gets a bad rap, but is one hundred percent livable and even helpful. It’s a good sign that you’re self aware enough to read up on it and go ‘this could be me.’ 

the last i checked (1-2 years ago), i thought i was either a lion badger, double lion or some shade of bird (addendum: or badger), but i might have changed by then. also, i am a teenager. i now suspect i am a double lion but i'd like you take a look and be sure.

before i start off: thank you for answering random questions from strangers like me off the internet. there's some hard stuff in lots of them. thank you for your compassion too.

It’s true that sometimes I’m not in the right mental space to soak in some of the quite heavy stuff people write in with me. (I like my blog feeling safe, so I sometimes edit content a little if it gets *too* intense.) But I like the exercise of trying to focus in and understand someone as best as I can. I think it makes me better at my job, and I think it makes me better as a person. 

Also, cheers for checking in on *me.* That right there is not a classic narcissist trait. 

main rant about me socialising: i am a loud person and can be a bit of a showoff. actually an extrovert albeit a socially anxious one. people are cool with me usually, but i feel i also love too hard, too fast and too deeply. 

This could honestly just be person stuff, but the word ‘showoff’ and that tendency to either operate at 0% or 100% is pretty Lion secondary. 

i just left my old class and i miss them so much - 

Badger primary? 

grief i guess is love for others which can't really be adequately expressed. 

“Grief is really just love, it’s all the love you want to give and cannot.” - words of wisdom from Jaime Anderson, professional snowboarder.

but i felt they accepted me as a person and said their mind (but took no sh-t). for the most part they were quite open and unflinchingly honest. i like people who are unafraid to show who they are -  god knows who i am, i'm not sure of it, but they somehow have enough of a grasp to be able to be honest and forthright, and who gives a fk if they are annoying because i'd like them anyway. even the misogynists, seriously. though i don't accept their misogyny, at least they have the fking gall to say it in class and let others criticise them (i hope they learn though. i dang well hope so.)

It sounds like you really like Lion secondaries. It’s possible that if you’ve got a bit of a Burned Lion secondary, hanging around with unBurned lion secondaries could be sort of... nice? healing? relaxing? Or you could just like lion secondaries.

now for my evaluation of each primary and secondary: lion - i honestly don't have any cause except "survive until tomorrow". 

Survival mode. I hear you. And honestly, I used to be very much the same way. It took a while, before I was in a good enough place that I could actually sort myself. 

that answers the question, "what keeps you living every day?" i've lived through weird stuff, i'm goddanged alive, fk it i'm living. burnt lion might be a thing for me though. however i believe in little things, such as never praising capitalism, calling out idiots 

This probably isn’t Snake, but could be any of the other primaries. 

when i have the gall and the vague idea of compassion, something i have not achieved. 

There’s some burnt ‘I want to but I can’t’ language going on here. Could be a burnt secondary - I want to stand up and do the lion secondary ‘speak the truth’ thing, but I can’t. But it could also be Burnt primary ‘I am not compassionate enough, and therefore I cannot trust myself to make decisions. Which would either be Lion or Badger. 

badger - i guess i like people? i'd sacrifice any cause for people though. what use is a cause if whatever the hell you're doing is useless to the people you want to help. 

I’m actually thinking you might be Badger. Framing morality around the wellbeing of groups of people is a very Badger way to think about it, period. An idealist is much more likely to go ‘ends justify the means’ or ‘creating strife or discomfort in worth it in the service of justice, or freedom.’

one of my criticisms of most lion primaries typed by people is that a cause is framed as something that you do to serve others. i hate the concept of noblesse oblige but i keep doing it anyway, because i keep feeling my position in life is extremely precarious (this sounds like the npd speaking though).

Okay, I’m unpacking this. Noblesse oblige is the specific idea that if you are born into privilege it is your responsibility to help those beneath you. It’s a old idea, and it gets critiqued because it’s a little infantilizing and paternalistic - only the cool special noble people can help the poor innocent peasants (not really taking into account that one of the peasants might one day BE a noble, or that the peasants might want to help themselves.) Noblesse oblige also got used to justify the class system - of course the noble people should be at the top, they earn/deserve it by being super nice and special. Its a very specific thing, and not just ‘wanting to serve others,’ which is more of a general instinct. Humans are pack animals after all.  

So I’m not sure what you mean when you say that you keep doing “noblesse oblige” because your life is precarious. That might actually be the opposite of noblesse oblige - THAT system would tell you that you are specifically not required to do anything until you’ve got some kind of wealth/power/privilege. 

 still. i care about people. bird: (submitter's name), overthinker of the century. snake: i am a selfish b--ch. insult my friends and you will get a beating. metaphorically. 

I’m thinking you’re probably a Loyalist primary.

i will lie and cheat to protect the ones i care about though i am a horrible liar.

Maybe seeing some Snake secondary here? 

the hierarchy of people which some snakes have described is alien to me though.

I’m kinda doubling down on Badger primary for you. 

secondaries: lion: loud, brash, overconfident speaker. unable to shut my mouth, for better or for worse.  as someone apathetic to most things though, i rush through life with no rudder. 

Definitely think Improvisational secondary for you, I’ve seen no evidence of the more Prep-work style. 

can be stubborn and narrowminded. 

Hmmm. That’s usually more of a primary issue. 

i've only got anywhere due to enormous amounts of privilege and a very good memory. 

I hear you on the ‘memory superpower’ thing. It works until it doesn’t.

 badger: i was very meticulous once upon a time. but then i was a kid. i no longer have the energy to care for anything. the prepwork thingy has happened in my life before but in the distant past.  i really don't know whats happened.

You’re a bit burnt in the secondary department, aren’t you? 

bird: i am an infamous memoriser of trivia. but seriously, it's because of my memory. i used to use lots of little life hacks to keep my person up and running but they've all collapsed. 

Looks like you had a Bird secondary model at one point. 

snake: i'm a bad liar, does this rule snake out? 

Nah. No one is born good at stuff. Competency doesn’t equal secondary, ease and comfort does. 

i plan my lies, line by line, as if i'm rehearsing a play. 

Actor bird? Or Actor Bird model? If you’re neurodivergent in any way you might also be running scripts. 

no. this does not sound snake. i was always really rigid and random at the same time. i'd really like to be able to separate my disorder (or whatever is going on with my brain) from my actual personality. it's called a personality disorder after all. 

I haven’t read anything that really screams NPD at me. Honestly, you seem burnt out and focused on *surviving.* Things that were fun/useful no longer are, it’s harder to care about things at all. I expect moving away from your old social group made everything worse, moves like that can be especially brutal on Badger primaries, which I suspect you are. And your secondary is burnt/your situation unstable enough enough that I can’t really tell what it is. 

thank you so much for reading all the way to the end, if you did. if not i do not fault you at all.

Burnt secondaries and apologizing. Seriously, it’s okay. This one wasn’t even long at all. 

#sortinghatchats #shc #wisteria sorts #sortme #badger primary #burnt secondary #bird secondary model

[rantingofasmallorganism]

February 6th 2023: Birthday Bashes, Possible Promotions, and Creating Controlled Chaos

Dear endless void that is the internet, so much for posting once a week huh.

It’s been 12 days since I posted and much has happened in those days. This past weekend I went to the keys to celebrate my best friend's birthday, we have this little “not so private” beach we go to when we visit the upper keys and we spent the day inebriated, swimming, and eating. Of course, cause underage drinking is frowned upon by the law, we hid our drinks in our reusable Starbucks cups and called it a day. Personally, I used strawberry acai with lemonade mixed with Alani Nu Breezberry and watermelon-flavored malibu.

Now, before I disclose the following information, I feel the need to mention that the drinking took place from around 10:30 in the morning till about 2 in the afternoon. Also, I had eaten before drinking and stopped before I had lunch. So throughout three and a half hours, I consumed about thirteen ounces of malibu on my own along with some sips of soju.|

We had lunch at this small burger place called M.E.A.T eatery and taproom. What made us decide to spend our money here wasn't a photo of the food or even the fact it was featured on "diners, drive-in, and dives", but a shirt we saw on Instagram that said, "You can't beat our meat."

Now I am an adult turning 20 in late March. I make monthly car payments and insurance payments ahead of time. In addition to this, I am a full-time student and work almost full time and am in line to get a promotion. I'd say I am responsible. However, there is a little part of me that I can only describe as a 14-year-old boy who has to laugh at things like that. "You can't beat our meat." God damn was the right. Those burgers were so good. On top of that their smoked potato salad has me drooling just thinking about them.

Overall we had a blast, we donned cowboy hats and played country music and what my cousin likes to call "old white people music". This consists of music such as that of Jimmy Buffets' "Margaritaville". We got back to my cousin's house, and dinned on pizza, soda, and slutty brownies while watching "Crazy Rich Asians". To say I love that movie is an understatement. It was a fucking masterpiece. Just absolute gold. From the script to casting to costume and set design. A solid ten out of ten.

Now today has been crazy. I woke up late and missed my first class, what a fucking joy, my only other class for today is my journalism class. This, my dear void, is where I sit and type up what you're reading. This is funny because we are on the topic of different media formats and my professor mentioned blogs and social media. She asked who has a blog and I raised my hand. Technically I have two, this one and another one on this same hell site but It's a fanfiction blog. She asked how many followers and what type of blog.

Did I answer honestly?

Of fucking course I didn't, at least not completely.

I said it's a blog where I test different concepts I want to write on and different writing styles and that I had somewhere between 900 and 1000 followers. Which is all true. What I left out was that it is a fanfiction blog mainly catering to the shows supernatural, sherlock, and marvel. I am a junior in college majoring in psych and pre-med. I do not need my cohort to learn that I am a fanfiction writer. It's not something I am ashamed of, but I know the jokes (usually are made lovingly) would never end, and that not what I need.

Some might think "pre-med and psych? Why are you taking a journalism class?" A shocker for many people (including my father), people actually have hobbies. Mine is writing. So I like to learn of all forms and styles. Creative writing, journalism, creative writing, academic research. I want to know all of it and everything that there is to know. I've published a book, won writing contests, and still run a blog, and post my ramblings onto this public forum as if it's a private diary as a way to vent. To say I like writing is an understatement. Speaking of liking things and hobbies. I like...No. I love variety. I had to rinse and repeat and I love the spontaneity of life. I also need to keep to a routine so I don't spiral out of controll and lose track of life. Recently, I've felt almost that my life has become stagnant again. I cannot put words to the way I hate stagnation.

Yes, I know people need to rest after making progress to recharge and restock energy and resources before continuing on tackling long-term goals. But I hate to stay still for too long. Usually, I need to do something small to change up my day and its scratches the ich until I find my next footing. This time it wasn't as simple as changing the scenery while doing my homework. I almost impulsively went for a walk in the forest area near my house.

Is this the type of activity that causes a person to die in a horror movie?

Yes.

Was I aware of this?

Yes

Did I do it?

No

Why?     

I got a call from my boss.    

For the past year or so I have been trying to become a shift manager at my job. Not only for the five-dollar pay raise but also due to the fact it would look great on my resume and offer me experience that would do me good in the long-term future.

 It got to the point where I've been frustrated with my job. I've been trying to move up the ladder and haven't gotten anywhere but getting fewer hours. Granted it has been the slow season for our industry and job but still. It's aggravating.

Then an angel shines down upon me and stops me from being a stereotypical dumbass horror movie character and my phone rings. My manager tells me about the opening, how to apply, and what the application and interview process looks like. Any idea of venturing into a body of woods by myself evaporated faster than it spawned and I applied to the position as fast as possible.

Now the chaos I've been looking for. The new energy flow in my life. Trying to land that position. Aside from trying to get straight A's this semester and taking a break during the summer, now I have this. Especially since I'm taking almost four months off from school and have open availability with my job. At 20 an hour, for a 60-hour paycheck, I'll make more than my monthly expenses. I'll make more in that paycheck than I do currently in a month.

I have earned this promotion, I've busted my ass and done anything and everything I can short of trying to seduce the higher-ups, and I set standards in life that prevent me from doing so.

Now I depart from this post and I am off to use the restroom and head home as my professor is ending class. Have a great day and stay safe. Till next time.

  -your blogger

#free write #diary entry #diaryposting #online diary #personal diary #online #ranting

[gettothestabbing]

Back from the real world!

And I got some venting to do!

SO. I didn’t have Internet except at work (where I’m not supposed to be on it when not on break, a rule I broke a lot and feel only slightly bad about) for about 3 weeks. And this happened about the same time as the death of Kazuki Takahashi. Who created my favorite manga, and the first anime/show I loved as a child that wasn’t something my parents picked out for me.

I know my blog is a heady mix of politics and fanart and real art and a bunch of things now. But when I started out, and I was afraid to post anything political, I was following mostly Yu-Gi-Oh! fanblogs. (And Communismkills. Love her.) I’ve posted a lot less about YGO over time. This is partly because of the Obsession Cycle (see below) and partly because I am influenced by the content that people I like post. Hence why I got more political from following CK, more artistic from following art blogs, etc.

The Obsession Cycle is a cycle of hyperfixations on certain stories that I love more than any others. Although new stories are often added to the cycle, making it longer or shorter, it always includes Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters, Gravity Falls, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Hey Arnold!, Disney in some form, and Ghibli in some form. The cycle is complete either when I drop all hyperfixations for a period of time, or when I return to the fixation I started with in the most recent iteration. My sister, explaining this concept to her husband, pointed out that I used to cycle through this entirely within 8 months. Then, adding new media in and having more to do in college and law school, the cycle widened dramatically to 3 years. Right now, she estimates that my cycle is about 2 years long. The implication of course is that there has been a regression.

I would agree with that. To be completely honest, I was about to reread the manga when I heard Takahashi had died, and that news hit me very hard. While I am not interested in large swathes of the franchise that Yu-Gi-Oh! spawned, and therefore do not see Takahashi as an ideal, I have always respected and admired his work. It is also easy to sympathize with him losing some creative control over time due to the insane popularity of Duel Monsters, but he found a way to end his story satisfactorily (twice, if we include the Dark Side of Dimensions movie) despite one game taking massive precedence.

So without Internet, having just moved into a new apartment, with a lot of frustration at work, and feeling very isolated and upset, I restarted my cycle and started shoving Yu-Gi-Oh! into my brain as fast and as hard as possible. I have been very very annoying to talk to lately, even to myself. My sister has been delicately asking me “when I’m going to be done” with this phase for at least a week. I don’t really see an end in sight, and I can never predict when the feverish fascination will fade.

Honestly, this is a period of mourning. Even though the story concluded long ago, Yu-Gi-Oh! has always had a special place in my heart. It helped me make friends (through playing the card game w/boys at school) and learn new ways to express myself artistically. (Yes, I wrote fic, no, you can’t read it.) It was something I enjoyed that no one else in my family liked.

It was also my safe place. I was nine when I got into the show. You know what else happened when I was nine? I started puberty ahead of everyone else in my class and I was subsequently molested. I took real comfort and strength from how characters stood up for themselves and made themselves comfortable in their own bodies (or others’ bodies, as the case may be). I liked that they could make stupid mistakes but still have their friends’ support.

I only ever got to see the first two seasons because for some reason the TV station would never air anything past the first half of the Battle City finals. I also owned the first volume of the manga, which is extremely different from the dub I knew and hinted at a wealth of interpretation and content that was beyond my reach. Then my card-playing friend moved away and my mom died. Real life stuff like that got in the way of my exploring the story further until I was in high school and found the abridged series.

I never let myself finish the manga before, because I didn’t have all the volumes. Now I’m waiting on the last one to come in the mail. Because I always expect the cycle to come back again, I try never to fully exhaust any of these media properties. If it appears I will run out of the finite content for any of them, I try to start distracting myself with lesser media, chores, anything else to draw it out. I have to assume other people do this but I’ve never met anyone IRL who does (that would admit it anyway).

Despite all of this, I’m still an adult with a job. I’m trying to manage and balance my hyperfixation with all the other things I need to do. Like if I can’t have any free time, I’ll play instrumental music from the show as I work. I guess I expected to outgrow the Obsession Cycle without having to expend noticeable effort in doing so. Like my dad has told me many times, “it’s a phase.” Sometimes you don’t return to things you used to like, sure. But I resent them applying that label to Yu-Gi-Oh!. It’s really not a phase. It was a part of my childhood (then rapidly vanishing) that helped me learn the person I wanted to be as an adult. It still inspires me so much.

And aside from all that, I think having that break from regular Internet time helped me refine what I want out of that time now that I have it back. I enjoyed how much reading and organizing I was able to get done. I felt less distracted, even as I chafed at my difficulties in listening to music or communicating with friends. I may post less for awhile, maybe permanently. I don’t think I’ll ever really leave Tumblr or the Internet. And I didn’t enjoy being forcibly without it. But I feel like my relationship with the Internet will be healthier going forward.

#personal #pers com #wherein Abby yells about yugioh not being a Phase #Mai Valentine was totally an inspiration for me because other cartoons didn't have women with chests like that #really helpful for when you're the only girl in your grade who has to wear an adult bra #hyperfixations #yugioh #yugioh DM

[gumbybunny]

after 10 years, i am back on tumblr.

i know. i don't quite believe it. but something about signing up for an account and designing my blog and following the tumblr staff... i don't know, it all felt like coming home for christmas and seeing your cat for the first time in months while the snow comes down outside. ya know?

tumblr in 2012-2014 was the ultimate you-had-to-be-there moment. i ran your typical "aesthetic" blog, and i also ran a secret meme blog (except it wasn't so secret because all of my friends followed me). those blogs are still out there, somewhere, full of arctic monkeys gifs, heavily edited (thanks to picknik, iykyk) photos of me in some downright questionable thrift store finds, and physical evidence, preserved forever, that i typed out the words "heckin floofers," like, multiple times. i am living on that cusp between gen z and millennial, after all, young enough to cringe and old enough to have once, myself, been cringe.

and here i am, back on the very website that so heavily shaped my youth in ways i am only now beginning to realize. except it's an app now. and i'm using it on my phone, and not my clunky acer laptop that overheats on a daily basis. and i don't have to teach myself basic html skills to use it anymore, which is cool. though those skills did come in handy when i took a random html class in community college and truly aced that shit.

so why am i back here? i just got back from a trip to california, my first vacation in nearly six years, and right before my vacation i deleted social media. something about it all felt weird and not good anymore. the pressure to take "artsy" pictures for the 'gram, the 562 deleted selfies just trying to take one good one, the hours spent trying look like you're not trying too hard with your caption, the weird internal drama when you see who liked and didn't like your post... i think i'm just too old for all of it.

but, i did grow up on social media, after all, and as horrible and terrible as this sounds, to live without somehow, in some way, sharing your "highlights" with the internet feels wrong. how fucked up is that? anyway, maybe someday i won't feel that way, but right now i do so here i am, sharing some moments from my vacation with the internet that raised me because, you know what, it was pretty okay and someone out there in the vacuum ought to know about it.

oh, and by the way, 2012-2014 tumblr me, you end up going to california with that boy best friend of yours. you know, the one that reblogs all of your original text posts, regardless of whether or not they're funny. and also, he's your boyfriend now. finally.

here are some of the first palm trees i ever saw in my life. more to come.

g

[kyuttcat]

BLOG POSTS ENTRIES

BLOG POST 1 (Any Writing)

'MY STUDENT LIFE ON ONLINE CLASS'

A. GENERALLY DESCRIBE THIS CRISIS

Back when I was an incoming Grade 10 student, Covid19 Virus already infected the Philippines, caused closure of face to face classes and the start of online classes, I picked the Modular (Printed) Learning Modality and I ended my year of being a Grade 10 student, still having lack of knowledge on my other subjects including Math and Science. Now, starting my Grade 11 learning, being a Senior High School Student, picked Online Learning Modality and becoming an Online Class Student. Until now, I'm still having difficulties in using Technology including editing by using phone or computer and also experiencing internet disconnections and "lag."

B. Who did I approached during those trying moments?

I asked for help to my Uncle and also to my Brother Cousin on how to set up a computer or PC set and also how to manage and/or fix the computer or my PC by the settings. I also asked for help to my Grade 10 classmates and also to my Grade 11 classmates right now on how to edit for my written and performance tasks and all of I mentioned who helped me, they taught me on how to manage internet disconnections and "lagging" of my PC.

C. Did seeking help relieved myself from the crisis?

Seeking really help relieved myself from the crisis because the people I asked for help has expertise about Computer, they are actually using computer even before the pandemic starts, using it for work, for school tasks and also for online/offline gaming. Lessons that they taught me about my Computer that I using for good especially for my Online Classes are really a blessings for me, thanks to them, right now, I can really follow up

BLOG POST 2 (Short Story)

Today, It’s my mom’s birthday. I used my money to buy some colored papers and designs and it all cost me exactly Php20.00. I took the crayons from my bag and start making a letter. My mom is one of the most important people in my life. She is my first best.

I’m very thankful to God that he had given me a mother, a mother that has sacrificed so much just to raise me. I really hope that through this simple letter she will be able to know how special she was for me of course for a countless reason.

After a few hours, I finally finished the card. I took the brownies cake from the fridge that I had cooled yesterday and put it on the plate and on the top of it I place a candle.

“Happy birthday mom”, I said.

Mom was surprised. She hugged me really tight. “Thank you son, I really appreciate it”, she said. Her words make my heart smile.

BLOG POST 3 (TANAGA)

My heart is very grateful

For I am blessed with your love

Heaven still is that moment

When you say you love me too

BLOG POST 4 (Flash Fiction)

'NOEL' Means "Christmas"

As snow accumulates outside the cave, we encircle the ravenous fire while the forest is still. As the stew bubbles in the pot, I consider where I might find another supper. I add another piece of wood to the fire. Despite the freezing temperatures, stars hang from golden threads tonight.

BLOG POST 5

PAROL

MGA TAUHAN Ronaldo – Ang pangunahing tauhan sa kuwento. Isang siyang mabait at masayahin na binata sa kabila ng pagkakakulong. Miguel – Ang pinakabata sa lahat ng tauhan. Isa siyang mapagbiro na binata. Bogart – Isa siya sa mga kasama ni Ronaldo sa kulungan. Siya ay isang matapang at mahilig makipagbasagan ng ulo. Mang Oscar – Ang pinakamatanda sa lahat ng tauhan. Isa siyang mabait at palabirong tao. Mang Kanor – Isa din sa mga matatanda na kakosa ni Ronaldo. Siya ay mabait at mapagbigay na tao. Jose – Nakababatang kapatid ni Ronaldo. Sa pagsisimula ng dula, makikita ang mga preso ay abalang gumagawa ng kaniya – kaniyang parol. Ang mga presong ito ay sina Mang Oscar - 70 taong gulang, Ronaldo - 30 taong gulang at ang 24 na taong gulang na si Miguel. Parehong nakasuot ang mga ito ng kulay kahel na damit. Nakaupo sila sa isang pahabang upuan kung saan may mesa sa gitna. Magkatabi sina Mang Oscar at Miguel. Nakaharap naman sa kanila si Ronaldo. Silent night holy night round yon virgin mother and child. Holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace (Background Music) MANG OSCAR: Grabe paskong – pasko na, pati mga kanta puro pampasko na din. RONALDO: Oo nga Mang Oscar, gumagawa na nga rin po tayo ng parol eh. MANG OSCAR: Hayss naalala ko tuloy yung pasko sa amin dati. Wala pang ala-sais eh makikita mo na ang mga bata sa amin na kumakanta na ng mga pampaskong awitin hehe. RONALDO: Hahaha parang ako yan nung bata ako Mang Oscar. Eh kahit mag-isa ako talagang mangangaroling ako. Naalala ko nga po dati, kumatok ako sa bahay nung kakantahan ko po sana

ng “We wish you a Merry Christmas.” Eh imbes na pera ang ibigay sa akin, isang malutong na mura ang aking natanggap. Tawang – tawang si Mang Oscar, habang si Miguel naman ay tahimik ngunit halata sa mukha niya ang pagpipigil niya ng pagtawa. RONALDO: Meron pa po Mang Oscar. May isang bahay din po kami na pinuntahan ng mga kasamahan ko dati para mamasko. Grabe ang ganda pa po ng pagkakaawit ko ng “We wish you a merry Christmas.” Damang – dama ko pa nga po yung pagkanta ko. MIGUEL: Sige nga Kuya Ronaldo kantahin mo nga sa harapan namin RONALDO: Walang problema. Ehem, ito na sisimulan ko na. Tumayo ang binata mula sa pagkakaupo at mga ilang saglit pa ay sinimulan niya ang pagkanta. Basag ang boses ni Ronaldo. Nakapikit ang mga mata nito habang nakatapat ang mga kamay sa kaniyang dibdib. RONALDO: “Oh We Wish You a Merry Christmas, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, We Wish You a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year.” Pigil tawa sina Mang Oscar at Miguel. Ayaw antalain sa pagkanta si Ronaldo. MIGUEL: Naks, ang galing mo Kuya Ronaldo! RONALDO: Ikaw naman hindi mo na ako kailangang purihin pa. Matagal ko ng alam. MIGUEL: Grabe Kuya Ronaldo isa kang certified… (puputulin ng ilang segundo ang sasabihin bago niya ito ipagpatuloy) sintunado (pabulong na sinabi niya ang katagang ito kay Mang Oscar) RONALDO: Hoy ano yung sinabi mo kay Mang Oscar? MIGUEL: Wala yun kuya balik ka na sa ulit sa kuwento mo. RONALDO: Ay oo nga pala, tapos ayun na nga nung binuksan na yung pintuan, siyempre tuwang-tuwang ako pero naku! Akala ko tao ang sasalubong yun pala ay aso.

Mababakas sa mukha ni Ronaldo ang intensidad. Nanlalaki din ang mga mata nito. RONALDO: Ang malala hindi lang isang aso kundi tatlong aso. Lokong may – ari yun pinahabol kami sa mga aso niya. Di ko talaga makalimutan na kung kailan binata na ako tsaka pa ako nakaihi sa shorts ko. MANG OSCAR: Ah hindi pala yan we wish you a merry christmas kundi “Wiwi Merry Christmas.” Napalakas ng halakhak si Mang Oscar gayundin si Miguel na hindi na mapigilan pa ang pagtawa ng malakas. RONALDO: Grabe Mang Oscar (napahalakhak din si Ronaldo) MANG OSCAR: Sakit na ng tiyan ko kakatawa sa mga kuwento mo, nakakaliw pakinggan. Pero may kuwento din ako. At ito talaga yung hindi ko makalimutan. RONALDO: Eh ano ba yun Mang Oscar? MANG OSCAR: Gaya nga ng nasabi ko sa iyo kanina, dun sa lugar namin maraming mga bata ang namamasko na pagkaaga-aga. Isang araw nga may kumatok dun sa pintuan ng bahay namin, mga grupo ng mga bata na aawit sana. Eh nung gabi na yun naku medyo iritado ako eh kasi nga ang ingay ng mga bata at gusto ko ng matulog. Nilabas ko at sabi ko tawad, ang sagot ba naman sa akin thank you thank you ang papanot ninyo. Napahawak si Mang Oscar sa bunbunan at hinimas –himas ito. MANG OSCAR: Ay kalabaw sa sobrang inis ko hinabol ko pa nga ng tsinelas ko. RONALDO: Mang Ronaldo eh totoo naman kayong panot eh. Tingnan niyo nga yang ulo niyo ang kinis-kinis. Hiniwakan ni Ronaldo ang ulo ni Mang Oscar RONALDO: Grabe Mang Oscar, ang dulas ng ulo mo. Sobrang kinis, wala na talagang buhok na natira, pfft.

MANG OSCAR: Ano ka ba, tama na nga paghawak sa panot kong ulo hahaha. Pag ako talaga nakalabas dito, kita niyo bibili ako agad ng bio-hair. RONALDO: Hahaha grabe ka Mang Oscar, ang lakas maka life changing. MIGUEL: Naku Mang Kanor ayoko matulad sayo na napanot na sa kulungan. MANG OSCAR: Di bale napanot ako ngayon, atlis bago ako napanot, nagkaroon ako ng maraming chicks. MIGUEL: Aba siguro nung kapanahunan niyo, kamukha niyo si Robin Padilla. MANG OSCAR: Tumpak ka diyan iho. Kaya nga habulin ako dati ng mga naggagandahang dilag. MIGUEL: Hayss buti pa kayo Mang Oscar naranasan mo magkalablayp, samantalang ako nakulong na lang wala pa kahit isa. MANG OSCAR: Ilang taon ka na nga ba ulit? MIGUEL: 24 po. MANG OSCAR: Kaybata mo pa pala. MIGUEL: Sising-sisi nga po ako eh. Pinaaral po ako ng mga magulang ko. Pero sa halip na sukilan ko ang kabutihan nila ang iginanti ko pa ay kawalang hiyaan. Imbes na mag – aral po ako ng mabuti, nalulong po ako sa paggamit ng pinagbabawal na gamot. Nahuli pa ako na nagtutulak. Binitawan muna ni Miguel ang parol na ginagawa at pagkatapos ay kinusot-kinusot niya ang kaniyang mga mata upang punasan agad ang mga luhang namumuo. Napabuntong – hininga din ito. MIGUEL: Simula ng makulong ako, hindi ko na po sila nakita ulit. RONALDO: Bakit? Hindi ka na rin ba dinadalaw ng pamilya mo?

MIGUEL: Hindi na po Kuya Ronaldo. Alam ko na sobra ang galit ng pamilya ko sa akin, lalo na si tatay. Nabenta ang bukid na siyang pinagkukunan namin ng hanapbuhay alang-ala lamang sa pag-aaral na hindi ko man lang binigyang halaga. Hanggang ngayon binababagabag pa rin po ako ng konsensiya ko. Kung naging mabuting anak lang sana ako. Kung di ko lang sana sinayang ang opportunidad at pawis at hirap ng magulang ko sa pagbabanat ng buto. Kung…. kung hindi sana ako naging makasarili. (Ang mga luhang kanina pang pinipigilan ni Miguel ay tuluyan ng bumagsak. Napayuko ito at pinipilit na pigilan ang sarili mula sa tuloy-tuloy na pagdaloy ng mga luha. Muli itong nagsalita pagkatapos mapunasan ang sariling luha.) MIGUEL: Pasensiya na kayo. Nakakatuwang isipan na nagawa ko pang umiyak. Alam ko naman na ang mga katulad ko ay walang karapatang umiyak. Ito ang kabayaran ng pinili kong buhay. Magsisisi man ako, di ko na maibabalik pa ang oras. RONALDO: Naiintindihan ko ang nadarama mo Miguel. Alam ko lahat tayo ay may pinagsisisihan, pero tandaan mo na walang perpektong tao. Kahit nasa kulungan tayo, ngunit naniniwala ako na hindi nito maikukulong ang ating mga pangarap – ang makapagbagong buhay. MANG OSCAR: Tama si Ronaldo. Habang may buhay may pag-asa pa Miguel. Magtiwala ka sa Diyos iho. Totoo na hindi na natin maari pang maibalik ang nakalipas pero buhay pa din tayo. Kung totoong nagsisisi ka, dapat bang mawalan ka ng pag-asa? Hindi Miguel, dapat higit na maging malakas ka. Kasi kailangan mo pang makabawi sa iyong pamilya. MIGUEL: Kuya Ronaldo, Mang Oscar (Muli na naman itong maiiyak at pagkatapos ay agad na pupunsan ang mga luha gamit ang kaniyang mga palad) MIGUEL: Maraming salamat sa pagpagaan ng loob ko Mang Oscar at Kuya Ronaldo. Masuwerte at kayo ang mga naging kakosa ko. Nga pala po maari ko bang malaman din kung bakit kayo nakulong? Biglang saglit na katahimikan pero agad din itong babasagin ni Mang Oscar na siyang unang magsasalita. MANG OSCAR: Nakapatay ako ng tao kaya nakulong ako. Ang nag-iisa kong anak na babae grabe kung maltratuhin ng asawa niya. Iningat-ngatan ko ang anak kong yun tapos sasaktan lang ng ganun kadali ng walang hiya niyang asawa. Isang araw nasaksihan ko kung paano niya

suntukin ang tiyan ng asawa niya. Hindi man lang siya naawa na nagdadalantao ito. Ayun nagdilim ang paningin ko kaya napatay ko siya. Ilang saglit na katahimikan MANG OSCAR: Pero kahit na ganun hindi ako nagsisisi na pinatay ko ang demonyong iyon. At kahit na makita ko pa siya ulit sa kabilang buhay ay papatayin ko pa din siya. Ang tanging pinagsisihan ko lang ay kung bakit hindi ko pa pinatay ang lalaking iyon sa una pa lang. Naawa ako sa anak ko. Marami na siyang hirap na pinagdaanan sa kamay ng iresponsable at walang hiya niyang asawa. Nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong-hininga si Mang Kanor. MANG OSCAR: Hayss sa tuwing naalala ko iyon, para akong sinasapian ng kung anong masamang espiritu. Oh siya ikaw naman Ronaldo. RONALDO: Ah ako na po ba? Ah eh sige po. Hinawi ni Ronaldo ang kaniyang buhok at saka nag-umpisa magkwento. Patuloy pa din ito sa paggawa ng parol RONALDO: Bata pa lang ako ay maaga na kaming iniwan ng tatay ko, kaya ang nanay ko ang siya ng nagtataguyod para mabuhay kaming tatlo ng kapatid ko. Sobrang hanga ako sa nanay ko kasi kahit na pilay siya, hindi ito naging hadlang upang itaguyod ako. Dati madalas din ako mapaaway sa mga kaklase ko kasi nga lagi nilang tinutukso nanay ko. Pero ayun dahil nga napapaaway ako madalas ay palagi din niya ako napapalo. Mapait na ngumiti si Ronaldo. Titig na titig ito sa parol na ginagawa. RONALDO: Punong-puno ako ng pangarap para kay nanay. Gusto kong siyang bigyan ng magandang buhay at makabawi sa lahat ng sakripisyo na ginawa niya para sa amin. Pero isang araw nagkasakit si nanay, at nagkataon wala kami pambili ng gamot. Kaya naisipan ko na magnakaw. Saglit na katahimikan

RONALDO: Dahil sa pagnanakaw na ginawa ko dati, hindi ko naman akalain na mahuhuli agad ako. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit ako nakulong. Nang malaman ni nanay na nakulong ako, agad niya akong pinuntuhan. Nung dinalaw niya ako tuwang tuwa ako pero isang malakas na sampal ang idinapo niya sa aking pisngi. Damang dama ko ang ang sakit na nararamdaman niya nung panahong iyon. Simula nun hindi na siya nagpakita sa akin. Iyon na ang una at huling beses na dinalaw niya ako. Saglit na katahimikan Muling tutugtog ang panibagong background music Pasko na naman ngunit wala ka pa. Hanggang kailan kaya ako maghihintay sayo. Bakit ba naman kailangang lumisan pa. Ang tanging hangad ko lang ay makapiling ka. Sana ngayong pasko ay maalala mo pa rin ako. Hinahanap-hanap pag-ibig mo… (Background Music) MIGUEL: Kuya Ronaldo RONALDO: Kahit na hindi na ako dinadalaw ni nanay, nakikibalita ako sa kapatid ko na dumadalaw sa akin paminsan-minsan. Yamang magpapasko na din, sana matupad na yung matagal kong hinihiling na makita si nanay. Hindi naman siguro kalabisan humiling sa Panginoon na sana ngayong pasko ay pagkalooban niya ako ng parol. Darating si Mang Kanor, puti na ang mga buhok nito at may kalakihan ng tiyan. Makikita na may mga bitbit siyang isang malaking supot. Bakas sa mukha nito ang kasiyahan ngunit ilang saglit lang din ay titingin siya sa gawi ni Ronaldo. Mauupo ito sa tabi ni Ronaldo na malapit ng matapos sa parol na ginagawa. MANG KANOR: O ano na nangyayari dito? Bat mga mukhang seryoso kayo? MANG OSCAR: Buti naman Kanor, nakabalik ka na. O eto yung parol na hindi mo natapos kanina. Tapusin mo na yan.

MANG KANOR: Ano ka ba naman Oscar, kababalik lang ng tao eh. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung paano gawin ito. Ay nga pala dinalaw ako ng panganay kong anak. Nag-abot din siya sa akin nitong supot na may laman na pagkain. Inilabas ni Mang Kanor ang laman ng supot. Inilagay niya ang pagkain na laman ng supot sa ibabaw ng mesa. MANG KANOR: Halina’t pagsaluhan muna natin ito habang mainit init pa. MANG OSCAR: Uy mukhang masarap. MANG KANOR: Marami tayong ulam ngayon, may caldereta, adobo at pinakbet. At eto may bico din pala. MIGUEL: Ang dami pong pagkain Mang Kanor! MANG KANOR: Oo naman tsaka sa pasko marami tayong pagkain ulit. Kaya kumain lang kayo diyan. RONALDO: Kukuha po ako ng bico Mang Kanor ha. MANG KANOR: Ay susmaryosep nagpaalam pa eh. Kuha ka lang diyan. RONALDO: Salamat Mang Kanor! Pagkagat sa bico ay biglang natahimik si Ronaldo. Naalala niya ulit ang kaniyang ina na dati ay gumagawa din ng kakanin. Mapapansin ni Mang Kanor ang biglang pananahimik nito. MANG KANOR: Natahimik ka, naalala mo na naman ba ang iyong ina? RONALDO: Tama po kayo, eh kasi po ang sarap po nitong bico kaya naalala ko si nanay. Biglang susulpot si Bogart, ang isa pa nilang kasamahan. Nakasuot din ito ng kulay kahel na damit. May kulay ang buhok nito at kapansin pansin ang marami nitong tatoo mula sa leeg hanggang sa paa. BOGART: Wow ang daming pagkain. Sayo ba ito Mang Kanor? MANG KANOR: Oo binigay ng anak ko.

BOGART: Swerte mo talaga Mang Kanor. Tamang tama nagugutom din ako eh. MANG KANOR: Kita ko galing ka dun sa opisina ni Chief. BOGART: Oo Mang Kanor, Hayys, nakatikim na naman ako ng mahabang sermon ni Chief. Tapos pinaatend pa ako ng bible study. Wala na akong ginawa kundi puro praise the lord. Paabot nga ako ng plato Miguel. MIGUEL: Ito Kuya Bogart. Pagkatapos ibigay ni Miguel ang plato ay nagsimula ng maglagay ng pagkain sa plato si Bogart MANG KANOR: Hindi ka kasi nagtitino eh. Ang hilig-hilig mo makipagrambulan. Mabuti nga yan na pinaattend ka sa bible study. Para bumait-bait ka kahit papaano. BOGART: Nakakainis kasi akala mo kung sinong siga yung nagngangalang Rupert. Tingin pa niya sa sarili niya, siya si Baby Ama, di niya alam na mas siga ako. MANG KANOR: Hayys (Napahawak sa ulo si Mang Kanor) BOGART: Lakas ng loob banggain ako. Malas niya maling tao kinalaban niya. Ha! tanggal tuloy lahat ng ngipin niya. Tingnan ko lang kung may tapang pa yun ng loob maghari-harian dito. RONALDO: Ayan ang problema sayo Bogart eh. Masyadong mainitin ang ulo mo. Pag lahat dinadaan mo sa init ng ulo, walang magandang mangyayari. Tsaka diba, akala ko ba galing ka sa bible study? BOGART: Galing nga ako dun. RONALDO: Oh, tingnan mo tong taong ito, sana man lang may tinandaan kang turo. BOGART: Oo naman kakosa. Tandang tanda ko pa nga yung mga verse, kaya lang hirap magpakabuti eh kung dami kang nakikitang demonyo. RONALDO: Balita ko gusto mo daw si Maam Grace? BOGART: Hoy saan mo nalaman?

RONALDO: Pulang-pula ang pisngi mo o! BOGART: Hanggang pangarap lang ako naman ako. Tsaka masyadong malayo ang agwat ng katayuan namin. Si Maam Grace, isa siyang magaling at mabait na pulis, samantalang ako isang kriminal. Pero oo nga pala nasabi na ba sa iyo? RONALDO: Ang ano? BOGART: Eh balita ko mabibigyan ka daw ng parol. RONALDO: Hah!? Totoo ba iyan? (Medyo nataranta si Ronaldo) BOGART: Dapat pala hindi ko muna sinabi sayo. RONALDO: Hindi nga? Biglang may pulis na lalapit sa gawi nila PULIS: Ronaldo Sanchez, pinapatawag ka ni Chief Nagkatinginan sina Miguel at Ronaldo BOGART: Ayan na Ronaldo. Sa wakas matutupad na ang matagal mong hinihiling. Tatayo si Ronaldo at pupunta sa kabilang dulo kung saan doon naghihintay ang chief na nagpatawag sa kaniya RONALDO: Magandang araw po chief! CHIEF: Magandang araw din sa iyo, maupo ka muna diyan. RONALDO: Maraming salamat po. CHIEF: Kaya kita pinatawag kasi isa ka sa mga makakatanggap ng parole base na rin sa performance mo katulad na lamang ng magandang pag-uugali na pinakita mo sa panahon ng pagkakakulong. At bukod dito nakumpleto mo na rin naman na ang unang bahagi ng iyong termino ng pagkakabilanggo. RONALDO: Maraming salamat po chief.

CHIEF: Masaya ako na makakalaya ka na. Pero syempre may mga kondisyon ka pa rin na dapat sundin bilang isa sa mga makakatanggap ng parole. RONALDO: Naiintindihan ko po. Ito na po ang pinakamagandang pamaskong regalo sa akin ng Panginoon. Maraming salamat po chief. Aalis na po ako Babalik ulit si Ronaldo sa mga kasamahan niya MANG OSCAR: Ano nangyari? RONALDO: Makakalaya na po ako. BOGART: Sabi ko sa iyo eh, makakalaya ka na. MIGUEL: Binabati kita Kuya Ronaldo, makikita mo na ang iyong nanay sa wakas MANG KANOR: Binabati din kita Miguel. (Medyo naiiyak si Mang Kanor) BOGART: Si Mang Kanor umiiyak. MANG KANOR: Hindi noh. BOGART: Ako pa niloko mo Mang Kanor. Wag kang umiyak baka mahirapang umalis si Ronaldo niyan eh. Biglang may tatawag ulit na pulis kay Ronaldo PULIS: Ronaldo Sanchez, may bisita ka. BOGART: May tumatawag na naman sayo. Swerte mo naman ngayong araw. RONALDO: Ayan na siguro yung kapatid ko. Aalis ulit si Ronaldo at pupunta sa kabilang bahagi ng entablado. JOSE: Kuya Ronaldo! RONALDO: Jose! Magyayakapan ang dalawang magkapatid

RONALDO: Kumusta ka na? Lalo atang pumogi ang kapatid ko. JOSE: Ayos lang naman kuya, ikaw RONALDO: Ayos lang din pero may maga…. Muling yayakapin ni Jose ang kaniyang Kuya Ronaldo. Sa pagkakataong ito ay mahinang umiyak si Jose. RONALDO: Jose, umiiyak ka ba? JOSE: Hindi kuya, wala ito. Sobrang namiss lang talaga kita. RONALDO: Ako din Jose. (Kakalas na sila mula sa pagkakayakap) RONALDO: Nga pala makakalaya na ako Jose. JOSE: Talaga Kuya! (Magugulat si Jose, pero kaagad din ito mapapalitan ng lungkot at pagkabalisa) Ah eh magandang balita nga yan Kuya. Saglit na katahimikan. Tila ba may hangin na pumagitna sa kanila. RONALDO: Bat parang natahimik ka? May problema ba? JOSE: Ah eh wala kuya (Napahawak ito sa kaniyang salamin) RONALDO: Hindi na ako makapaghintay na makita muli si Nanay. Kumusta na pala siya? JOSE: Ah kasi Kuya ano… ah ano…eh Biglang natahimik si Jose. Napayuko ito at hindi makatingin ng diretso kay Ronaldo RONALDO: May nangyari bang masama kay nanay? JOSE: Kuya ano kasi di ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sayo. Hinawakan ni Ronaldo ang magkabilang balikat ni Jose. RONALDO: Nakikiusap ako Jose, sabihin mo sa akin ano nangyari kay nanay?

JOSE: Kuya (nag-aalangan ang kaniyang tono) RONALDO: Pakiusap Jose. JOSE: Kuya Ronaldo kasi ano pa…patay na si Nanay. Kahapon, pagkatapos ko umuwi galing sa part-time job ko, natagpuan ko ang malamig na katawan ni nanay sa sala. (Lumuluhang sabi ni Jose) RONALDO: Hindi totoo yan Jose. Makakalabas na ako, hindi puwedeng mamatay siya. Hindi pa ako humihingi ng tawad sa kaniya. JOSE: Kuya Ronaldo RONALDO: Hindi… hindi maari Malakas na humagulgol si Ronaldo RONALDO: Sana kahit ngayong pasko man lang na darating sana nakasama ko siya kahit isang beses lang. Wala akong hinangad kundi ang makasama ko kayo. (Play background music) Sana ngayong pasko ay maalala mo pa rin ako. Hinahanap-hanap pag-ibig mo. At kahit wala ka na nangangarap at umaasa pa rin ako. Muling makita ka at makasama ka sa araw ng pasko JOSE: Kuya Jose. RONALDO: Sobrang sakit Jose. Bakit kung kailan nabigyan ako ng parol tsaka pa nawala si nanay? Kasalanan ko itong lahat. JOSE: Bago namatay si nanay, palagi niyang sinisisi ang kaniyang sarili kung bakit ka nakulong. Ayun ang dahilan kung bakit di siya dumadalaw sa iyo. Hindi galit sayo si nanay. Wag mong sisihin ang iyong sarili. (saglit na katahimikan) JOSE: Naalala mo ba ang palaging sinasabi ni nanay. Kailangan nating magpakatatag. Kailangan natin maging malakas kuya para malagpasan natin ang mga pagsubok sa buhay.

RONALDO: Pero hindi niya naituro sa atin kung paano malalagpasan ang sakit na madarama natin pag nawala na siya. JOSE: Kuya. RONALDO: Hindi niya naituro sa atin kung paano malalagpasan ang sakit na madarama natin pag nawala na siya, aghh!!! (Napasigaw si Ronaldo) JOSE: Kumalma ka kuya. RONALDO: Matagal akong nangulila kay nanay, pero tuluyan na niya akong inulila ngayon, ngayon pang malapit na ang pasko. (Malakas na humagulgol si Ronaldo na sinabayan din ng paghagulgol ng kaniyang kapatid na si Jose) RONALDO: Nangarap at umasa ako na makikita ko siyang ulit. Nanay! Bakit…bakit. (Play background music) Sana ngayong pasko ay maalala mo pa rin ako. Hinahanap-hanap pag-ibig mo. At kahit wala ka na nangangarap at umaasa pa rin ako. Muling makita ka at makasama ka sa araw ng pasko

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BLOG POST 6 (Children Story)

Si Yohan at ang Laruang Robot

Ito si Yohan, siya ay palaging hindi kuntento at palaging nakukuha ang kanyang mga gusto. Tuwing naglalaro si Yohan, sinisira't tinatapon niya agad ang kanyang mga laruang hindi magustuhan, ugali rin niyang iwanan ang kanyang pagkain kapag ito'y hindi magustuhan. Siya ay nakikipaglaro sa kanyang kaibigan, wala siyang magamit na laruan dahil lahat ng kanyang laruan ay sira. Sa kabutihang palad, pinahiram siya ng kanyang kaibigan ng isang laruang robot. Pagkatapos maglaro ay inuwi ni Yohan ang laruang robot nang hindi nagpapaalam sa kanyang kaibigan. Sa kanyang pagtulog ay siya'y naistorbo dahil sa kanyang narinig sa kanyang kuwarto. Yumuko't tumingin sa ilalim ng kanyang kama si Yohan at siya'y nagulat sa kanyang nakita, buhay at gumagalaw ang laruang robot, muling nagulat si Yohan dahil ang laruabg robot ay gumagalaw kahit ito'y walang mga baterya. "Yohan, ikaw na bata ka, magbabayad ka!", ang sigaw ng laruang robot. "Anong gagawin mo sakin?", takot na tinanong ni Yohan. "Paparusahan kita ngayon dahil sa mga pinaggagawa mo!", ang sabi ng laruang robot. "Huwag po!", huling sigaw ni Yohan bago siya mahimatay. Paggising ni Yohan ay napansin niyang siya'y marumi't nakahiga sa kartong sapin sa gilid ng kalsada. Nakaramdam siya. ng gutom, hindi niya alam kung saan ang daan pauwi kaya siya'y namalimos sa mga taong kanyang dinadaanan. Habang namamalimos ay napansin niyang nahulog ng matandang babae ang kanyang pitaka. Ito'y dinampot ni Yohan at nakita niyang may laman itong pera, nag-isio si Yohan kung ibabalik ba niya ito sa matandang babae o hindi. Ilang segundo ay agad na hinabol ni Yohan ang matandang babae at ibinalik ang nahulog nitong pitaka. "Ate, nahulog niyo po ang pitaka ninyo", ang sabi ni Yohan. "Naku Iho, Maraming Salamat talaga anak, ito anak, tanggapin mo itong bente, pambili mo ng pagkain", sabi ng matandang babae. "Maraming Salamat po Ate!", masayang sinabi ni Yohan. Dahil sa ginawa niya ay may pambili na siya ng pagkain, agad siyang dumiretso sa panaderya upang bumili ng mga tinapay. Pagkatapos niyang bumili ay may biglang lumapit sa kanyang isang batang pulubi, ito'y nanghihingi sa kanya ng tinapay na hawak ni Yohan. Nag-isip si Yohan kung ito ba'y bibigyan niya o hindi, kumuha siya ng ilang pirasong tinapay at ibinigay ang mga ito sa batang pulubi. Nagpasalamat ang batang pulubi kay Yohan at ito'y umalis. Pagkatapos kumain ay agad na namalimos ulit sa daan si Yohan, habang siya'y namamalimos ay may nakita siyang isang matandang lalakeng nahihirapang buhatin ang kanyang mga gamit, agad na tumakbo at tinulungan ni Yohan ang Matandang Lalake sa pagbubuhat ng mga gamit nito, sobrang nagpapasalamat ang matandang lalake kay Yohan sa kanyang pagtulong. Pagsapit ng gabi ay kaunti lamang ang nakuhang pera ni Yohan mula sa kanyang pamamalimos, kulang pa ito upang makabili ng kanyang makakain. Siya'y umiyak at sinabing "Laruang Robot, patawarin mo na po ako, hindi na po ako magsasayang ng pagkain, iingatan ko na rin po ang aking mga gamit at magiging kuntento na rin po ako sa kung ano ang meron po ako, pangako po, patawarin niyo na po ako!" Pagkatapos ng kanyang pag-iyak ay hindi namalayang nakatuloy na ito. Paggising niya ay napansin niyang nasa loob na siya ng kaniyang sarili niyang kuwarto't nakahiga na sa sarili niyang kama. Naisip niyang pinatawad na siya ng laruang robot, siya'y umiyak dahil sa tuwa. At dahil sa mga nangyari, simula noon, di Yohan ay isa ng maingat at palaging kuntento sa kung ano ang meron siya ngayon.

BLOG POST 7 (Reflection)

I learned a lot about creative writing subject. Through creative writing, it helps me to further enhance my creativity and imagination. I also did learn many techniques and strategies when it comes to writing different fiction themes and genres. For me, the best part of learning this subject is that it let me realize that writing is very powerful and relaxing though some are not good at writing but through this subject, it will help you to develop your skills in writing.I believe that the creative writing course has been the best overall. It has helped me learn more about who I am as a person and as a writer. It has been great to see how my writing has advanced in every area where we worked. I never thought I was a poet before taking this class, but I now think poetry has become one of my favorite writing genres. I have significantly improved my ability to write poetry and to include a theme in my poems as a result of this session. I discovered that not all poems must rhyme and that some of the best poems don't even contain any rhymes.

GROUP 6

(PEN NAMES) (Lightning12) Jhon Andrei Lusuegro - Leader (Senia) Lyza Maloloyon - Assistant leader MEMBERS (Loraine Mae) Kylene Soriano (Kaishin07) Abdul Cawasa (Kenshin) Zarelken Villanueva

[janniestories]

November 08, 2022 (Blog #004)

WHO TO LISTEN

It's a matter of future. Your future. Your heart says you can but your mind says otherwise. Some people believes on you and some underestimates you. Who do you listen to?

I took the CMUCAT together with my friends and classmates before. And we are blessed to pass the entrance exam. It was a hard decision. Nursing or Engineering. People around me were rooting for me being a nurse but I chose what I want and that is Engineering.

Mechanical Engineering. It was a hard course and amazing one. I just thought that through this degree, I would help improving our country and the world. And that's why when I received an email from the school that I was qualified to enrol BSME, I was the happiest.

My first year was chill and fun. Two semesters were online classes. I didn't study well because that time I was just relying on the internet.

I met friends and I also learn to drink! Haha! I was enjoying and I couldn't be happier when I was in the first year honors.

Of course I would be on the list, it's online class! You could easily cheat and hey it's bad.

And midyear came in this year, challenge me, questioning about my ability, strengthens my faith, and making realizations. I nearly failed my thermodynamics I subject. I was on the removal list, I felt devasted and dissapointed to myself. But I still make it. I practiced solving problems and I got a grade of 3 in the finals. That's enough for me.

Now that I am on my 2nd year, I kept asking myself if I could really graduate on time, if I could be great and all. It's just very blur -- my future. When you don't know if you are in the right places, if you are going in the right path, and if you are doing right. Because now, it's just awful.

Finals is coming and I still don't have the courage to keep on going.

But what I learned right now is that I, myself, should motivate me. I should listen to myself, mind and heart, both of them, before listening to the world. I should keep going and keep on fighting for my dreams. Giving up is never an option. I should recall the first things I thought why I chose this path. With that, I could help myself to go on.

When you feel wrong, listen to silence. In that alone, you will fall asleep and when you wake up, you feel light.

How are you? Whatever you may go through, remember to always move forward.

If life's making you choose, who will you listen to?

#blog entry #thoughts #Dream

[hotchley]

🐨 Hello hello! Hope you’re doing absolutely wonderful, my favorite Internet sister. Granted, also my only Internet sister, but that just makes you all the more special.

I’m hanging out here, doing the school stuff. I somehow have an A in Calculus, which amazes me, so I’m very happy with that. Got a test tomorrow, but my friend and I meet up during the hour before since we’ve both got a free period and I bring us both Starbucks and we review together. It’s a great little tradition. Also hella amusing to anyone else in the room, since we’ve been doing math together since we were literally 11 (me) and 12 (her), and the chaos only increases with time.

My journalism class is great fun! I get to run around with one of those spiral reporter’s notebooks interviewing people. People tell me interesting gossip and say “off the record”. It’s awesome. Totally feels like something out of a TV show.

I got a new book yesterday! And the day before that. The book with the lovely dedication I was telling you about the other day is A Lesson In Vengeance. It’s a dark academia type thing with witches and lesbians. I’m not finished yet, but so far it’s cool! I got a books called Icebreaker, which was a rivals-to-lovers YA novel with a bunch of queer rep and mental health discussion. I listened to part of it on the way to Montana for that karate trip, but I’m horrible about audiobooks so I ended up getting myself a print copy and finished it in a day. And now I’m working on The Winners by Fredrik Backman. It’s the third book in a trilogy called Beartown. He’s one of my favorite authors. His style is so distinctive and lyrical and beautiful. Everything ties back to central themes in the most satisfying, poetic way. Highly recommend. The subject matters get a bit dark though, so be careful if you ever end up reading. And he’s Swedish! The books get translated into English before they’re released in English-speaking countries. I don’t know who translates them, but the fact that they’re still so amazing in another language is so cool to me.

I’ve been enjoying having my driver’s license! Most kids here get theirs when they’re 16, and I was nearly 17 and a half, so I took a long time. But Im starting to get more comfortable driving. It’s fun to just drive by myself and listen to my music and jam. And the freedom is nice. I’ve been getting a lot of coffee.

Still working on poetry, too. I haven’t written a ton of new stuff lately and I need to get on that. But I’ve been plugging away trying to get published in various literature magazines. I’ve been accepted once, but rejected like twenty times and am waiting on a bunch of other decisions. Which is just the life of a writer, from what I understand. It’s cool how the community is so supportive of each other. One of my best friends and I both got accepted for the first time within a month of each other, which was really cool. She does flash fiction and I do poetry and the occasional short fiction.

That’s all the updates I’ve got! I hope you’re doing well. Even when I forget to send you messages, I still keep track of your blog. I’m glad to see that stuff with Uni is mostly going well. I hope you get on well with your classmates and flatmates. Living away from home could be kind of cool, too. Like an adventure! I have this quote from a book on my wall that goes “Stars shine brightest in the dark, so take this opportunity and supernova the shit out of it”. That makes me think of you. All this change is terrifying, but you’re gonna do great things. Seize the day!Supernova the shit out of it!

Hehe I'm your only one :))

That is amazing! I don't know what calculus is but it sounds hard so well done! Awww, that's nice!! There's a Starbucks in my student union so I got one yesterday and then I sat in the law library which is ancient and I felt very cool :)

Do you guys have a specific order that you stick to?

Ooooh that is fun and those books seem really interesting! I just started reading A Good Girl's Guide to Murder and it feels quite funny reading it because I'm now a law student. And there are British Indian characters so they touch on racism and I feel seen!

SIXTEEN? I'm eighteen (oh wow) and I haven't even sat in the driver's seat beyond this one time I accidentally turned the hazard light on when I was hoovering it but I then couldn't work out how to turn it off so my dad had to take over haha.

I'm so glad you're enjoying poetry. I was also having a block and then I was walking home in the dark so that understandably caused some inspiration to hit.

I'm actually okay! The work is an excellent distraction from the distance haha. And I'll hold onto that <3

Also journalism class sounds like so much fun I'm glad it's going good!!

#people talk to me #koala kate #🐨anon

[risecupcake]

Hi, Hello, This is Me

Hi,

Wow, okay, this feels strange but hi, hello.

To start, I'm someone who is always browsing on Tumblr and I find that the posts that make me the happiest are the ones where I just read about people's days. I love hearing that you studied Japanese for an hour and then took a nap for the rest of the day. I love hearing that you spent the day with your family or you spent it just watching Netflix or reading a book. I love reading those kinds of posts, and for whatever reason they just fill me up inside.

So, I got to thinking and I wondered maybe I should do the same too? If I can see the beauty in the mundane for others, then maybe by posting, I'll start to see the beauty of my own life as well? I don't know if that logic will work, but hey, that's why we're experimenting right lol.

I've had this idea to start posting for a while now, but I kept thinking that I'll do it when I'm in the best mood or at least a better mood. That way, I can have this fully fleshed out and a thoughtful first post. But honestly, if I keep waiting for my perfect mood and the perfect time to upload, I'll never do it or it would at least take me a very long time to do it. Plus, it defeats the whole point. I love reading people's posts even if they didn't have a great day, and I want to post what is most natural and true to me, without having to be in the 'perfect' state to do so.

So, what kind of Tumblr blog will this be, you may ask. Well, I have no idea. It's not going to be about studying because I can't stick to a studying routine, but maybe it will just be a daily life recap? (Daily also sounds a bit much because I am absolutely horrible at being consistent for myself, but... we'll see.)

But yea basically it will be me talking about my day, maybe my life, anything really.

That's part of why I like Tumblr, because it kind of feels like shouting into the void. (Also, I've never been the type to disclose personal life stuff over the internet but I know other people do and now I feel strangely excited as if I'm using the internet for the first time lol)

Anyways enough chit chat, here's a recap of today.

I had a huge essay that was my midterm due today at midnight and I spent the entire day in between classes and even in the middle of classes trying to work on it. (procrastination at its finest) I just barely submitted it in time and yea it barely makes sense, but hey I did it.

I also tried an F45 class for the first time at the gym. And it was great. I've been really needing some physical activity in my life, and that exercise class completely whooped my butt, but I felt proud of myself for doing it in the end.

Also made some coconut shrimp and pasta and rice for dinnerrrr and it was yummmmm!! (mostly instant stuff bc I don't cook)

So yea, it was a busy day but pretty good overall. Hope you guys have a good day too 💛

#bloggingforthefirsttime #prettygoodday #hopeyourdaygoeswell #notreallysurehowtousehashtags

[nahasflow]

Why does steam download so slow

#Why does steam download so slow software#

#Why does steam download so slow download#

#Why does steam download so slow windows#

They provide world-class services and don’t impact the speed and performance too much. Often, using premium VPN tools like ExpressVPN, NordVPN, and such is a better option. It is the price you’d have to pay to access worldwide content. At which point, you can’t do much about slow internet speed. If you’re accessing regional content banned in your area, you’d have to use VPN.

#Why does steam download so slow download#

It will impact everything from the internet connection to the download speeds. A VPN or proxy server will significantly decrease your internet speed. Make sure that while you go through the solutions, you aren’t using a VPN. So, you can try and fix the issue by following this command: The disk usage is known for hindering Steam downloading. Sometimes, the download process and speed have nothing to do with the program, app, or connection. You can also stay updated on our content by connecting with us on YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Flipboard, and Tumblr.See also 15+ Best Minecraft Snow Biome Seeds Including Java Edition 9.

#Why does steam download so slow software#

Facing other troubleshooting problems? Have an app or software that you want us to review? Do mention it too and we’ll be more than happy to blog. You can also refer to ways mentioned in this blog to increase your overall internet speed which might further help in increasing the steam download speed as well.ĭo let us know in the comments section if these methods have helped you. There you are! These are some ways that can help you increase slow Steam download speed just like they have helped several other users. Were You Able To Speed Up Steam Download?

#Why does steam download so slow windows#

You can even try adding Steam to the Windows Security exclusion list by following the steps mentioned in this blog. Click on the network setting that is activeĥ. Click on Windows Security and then select Firewall & Network ProtectionĤ. Steam's servers are currently overwhelmed. An active VPN that is set to a distant country can slow down your download speed. Something else is using your bandwidth while you're downloading Steam. Here’s how you can turn off Windows Defender Firewall –ģ. The most common reasons for slow download on Steam are: You're experiencing difficulty connecting to the internet. So, what you can do is temporarily disable the firewall in your computer or antivirus. Sometimes, the firewall in your computer or security software can flag applications thinking of them as viruses. Disable Firewall Temporarily or Antivirus Software It took 2 days to download SFM at a speed of 2.8kb/s even though I could download things on Chrome at a faster rate. This can especially be useful in fighting off physical factors such as walls that can mar internet bandwidth.īut, what if I am facing issues with my ethernet cable? Worry not! Here are some probable fixes. I was getting worried since it was only steam but everythings fine now lmao. Internet providers can throttle your connection for several reasons, such as network congestion, exceeding data. Throttling is when the Internet Service Providers (ISPs) intentionally limit the connection’s bandwidth, resulting in a slower speed. If you are using Wi-Fi, you can try increasing Steam download speed by attaching an ethernet cable to your router. When it comes to slow internet or slow download speeds, throttling can be a cause to consider. When the Details window opens, right-click on SteamService.exe and set priority to High 6. Right-click on it and then go to detailsĤ. From the list of processes, locate Steam Clientģ. For this make sure that Steam is running and then follow the steps mentioned below –Ģ. You can use the Task Manager to speed up Steam Download by setting it on high priority. The problem can occur due to local factors, such as corrupted cache files or high disk usage, so be sure to look into that as well if you want to fix the problem. Therefore, changing the download region can sometimes help. I have messed with the ports in the past but to no avail. You should also shut down any other applications and browsers. There are multiple reasons why the Steam download is slow, but most notably it’s a server side issue. This should help in increasing Steam download speed. You should therefore ensure that no one else in your household is using internet-intensive apps while you are downloading games. One of the reasons why you might be encountering slow Steam download could be because your internet connection is being shared by other devices in your household. Now check, if you can see an increase in the download speed. Click on the Download Region dropdown and select a server location nearest to you From the navigation bar select Settingsĥ. Select the Steam tab from the navigation barģ. Changing the download region is one method that is known to speed up the Steam download. Steam has several servers scattered across the globe that can help you achieve the highest download quality.

#Why does steam download so slow