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mo0nl0v3r · 1 year

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th!nspo challenge ;

NOTE : I'm only gonna update this on this tab cause I don't want my other posts to get lost in this series thing... also my stats are already uploaded so imma start on day 2 :) NOT PRO

DAY 2 : i'm 5'2.... i do like my height sometimes i wish i was taller so i could present as thinner but its not one of my biggest problems

DAY 3 : I have a Pinterest board that I love its called tattoo inspo (I made it with a bunch of ballet & hour-class grunge girls in it. I named it tattoo inspo so it doesn't present weird cause it sounds like thinspo plus I can put skinny people with dope tattoos in

DAY 4: my greatest fear is that I'm gonna look sick or lose hair that's terrifying to me

DAY 5: I'm doing it for myself but the praise doesn't hurt :) also the way i could wear anything and look good sounds amazing

DAY 6 : sometimes nothing crazy but occasionally do slip up and eat a couple unhealthy things

DAY 7 : my parents do know that i try to eat healthy and that i "occasionally" count calories and try to lose weight . They think its a good thing

DAY 8 : i dont have one yet i just try to do as many crunches and sit-ups i can and i try to walk at least 1 mile a day

DAY 9 : I don't know honestly , sometimes i think they do but they've never said it to my face .

DAY 10 : freedom tbh

DAY 11 : @green-tea-111 i love there thinspo

DAY 12 : i usualy eat whatever i want but at a restriction

DAY 13 : I'm losing weight in both a healthy way and a unhealthy way because its not the point where its bad for my body but it can take a tole on my mental health sometimes

DAY 14 : My UGW is 102lb i really wanna get down there cause that would not only mean I would be like skinny but it would get my BMI down to 18.5 and thats the minimum healthy BMI. so def ideal

DAY 15: i am not vegan or vegetarian... i did try it a couple years ago and i actually gained weight cause i would only eat carbs so def didn't work for me

DAY 16: well literally for as long as i can remember probably around age 10 or 11 but most recent decision to lose weight was back in September of this year

DAY 17: I do have disorded eating

day 18: pasta , gordita tortillas , chocolate , chips , candy , ice cream , ritz crackers

DAY 19: tbh yesterday i had a happy meal

DAY 20: calorie counting or portioned eating cause diets are really hard for me

DAY 21 :

pants : medium or size 10

shirts : medium (but i prefer baggier stuff)

DAY 22: 7 pounds at birth ;) no but actually 100 pounds it was in 2019 i was in dance and i would dance 3-5hours a day and i did have distordered eating at the time and i gained due to my depression and binging

DAY 23 : a little... it didnt start it but it definitely helped

DAY 24: im not pro ana and i am definitely not pro mia, bulimia tears you apart so quickly its just sad especially when you do research on how it effects your body and how it only deteriorates you instead of making you thinner

DAY 25: i have unfortunately, it was rough i did it on occasion for about 2 weeks before i decided to do research and decided it wasnt for me

DAY 26: Wearing whatever i want and being less insecure. I cant wait till im skinny so i can just be happy with whatever i wear

DAY 27: I’m cool with food being infront of me I usually struggle most with it when its late or im alone cause thats when i tend to eat the most

DAY 28: It would be cool but its not what i want most i really want thinner arms and a tiny waist

DAY 29: unfortunately its mostly western beauty standards ( im part mexican and have very mexican features ) so its rough when i want the hour glass waist and a slope nose cause my body just hasn’t been able to do that

DAY 30: 10 facts about me

10:

#pro ana #th!nspo #tw ed relapse #ed trigger warning #ed rant

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scientificallygay838 · 4 years

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TW: Eating disorder, eating disorder relapse, body checks (no nudity, just fat)

Hey guys. I don't typically post text posts, I'm not looking for any help or advice, I honestly just need to vent. So here goes nothing.

My mom has always made comments about my weight, but I didn’t really realize it until I was around 15. I had been told I was a healthy weight, but she always had some snide remark about my weight. Slowly, I began to see myself as fat, all I saw was fat; fat thighs, fat arms, fat stomach, fat, fat, fat. The comment that really pushed me to anorexia was “What the HELL have you been eating to gain so much fucking weight, fatass?!” After that, I forced myself to eat less and less each day and exercise more and more. I went down to two meals, then one, and at my worst I'd go for days without eating much more than a protein bar if that. The most I’d ever eat in one day is 3 tiny meals, usually half of a bagel with cream cheese at 6 for breakfast, a halo orange at 10:30 for my morning snack, a small container of spinach and cherry tomatoes at noon for lunch, a small gala apple at 14:30 for my afternoon snack, and a veggie burger without a bun at 18:00 for dinner. Usually though, I'd just eat a protein bar after my morning run, and just drink water and gatorade, and *maybe* a diet soda. I spent all my time in my room. Instead of sitting around I'd exercise. I’d exercise for an hour, then take a rest break for a half hour, then repeat. I had an extensive workout of 100 jumping jacks, 100 squats, 100 sit ups, 100 crunches, 100 burpees, 100 push ups, 10 30 second planks, and a 2 hour jog. I did this every morning and evening without fail. As time went on, my health had begun to slowly get worse. I was constantly dizzy, tired all the time, my period was gone, had been for months, I was always cold, my head was always pounding, I sometimes woke up with bruises, and I started to pass out during my free time after my workouts. I knew I was not doing well, but I just wanted to be skinny, I wanted to make my mother proud. All I had ever wanted in life at that time was her love and approval, and I was starting to earn it. I ended up getting so bad, I landed myself in an RTF (residential treatment facility) to get help. I went in at 79.3 lbs. I could barely walk, I couldnt even stand up without nearly passing out. I realize now that I was dying. In the beginning, it was hard. A staff had to push me in a wheelchair; I was fed through a tube; I got in quite a few restraints because I tried to rip out my feeding tube. Every time they brought out the tube, I was thrown into a panic attack, sometimes so bad I entirely blacked out and was told I got so violent they had to lock me in the "quiet room" as they called it, until I had calmed down and regained my senses. I wasnt doing well mentally or physically. Even though my body was recovering, my mind was not. Every time I saw the numbers on the scale rise in the first 5 months there, I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Close to my 6th month there, I had hit 127 lbs. When I saw that number, I didn't cry. I didnt feel anything, actually. I actually felt hopeful, I felt that I'd be able to be happy with my body again. When I met with my therapist, I told her about this, and she was overjoyed. I was finally able to eat at least 2 meals a day without feeling any anxiety or self hatred.

I was in recovery for about a year, but now that's all down the drain. I'm heavily restricting, fasting, counting calories, meal planning, and weighing myself more frequently, exactly how I was when I first developed the disorder. I dont want to get as bad as I once was, but I was happiest with myself at 105, and hopefully, I can get there again, because I honestly miss it. I miss having prominent collarbones, hipbones, ribs, cheekbones, and spine. I miss being able to touch my pinky and thumb around my wrist and still have extra room. I miss having a flat stomach, one that caves in when I lay down, one that I could get a belly button piercing and it actually look good. I miss feeling hot, honestly, I really do. I think the worst part about my ed is that all these people in my life just wanna help and after almost 4 years I can’t even help myself. It’s so much harder to get rid of an eating disorder than most people realize. When I hear stories of people like me being told to just "eat a burger" I get really pissed off. Its not as simple as eating more, you also have to think about the potential anxiety/panic attacks, impulsive exercising, and quite a few other things depending on the person. Honestly, after a while, it becomes so normal that you don’t even realize your disordered eating. The sad thing is, my disorder started developing because of my mother (who I was recently told has both anorexia and bulimia) shoving her own insecurities and self hatred on me, a young, impressionable teen at the time of the initial onset. Anyway, if you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this long ass post. I love you all, stay safe❤

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fanguuuhhhrl · 4 years

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Im kinda obsessed with I-Land right now. I love 23 boys and if possible i would like them all to debut but the elimination is in 30 minutes so im going to post my top 12 picks before it airs (kind of in order, kind of not, im biased, this is based on an unsure mixture of skill and personality, could change but most likely not):

1. Sunoo- BITCH!!! WTH!!! I JUST LOOK AT HIM AND MY SEROTONIN LEVELS BURST THROUGH THE ROOF!! He is a puppy!! He is amazing. If you didnt know anyone yet and you put all 23 boys in a line up. He will draw your attention with his sunshine smile :)))) he is so heartwarming. Most people be like "i have no filter" but they just be mean, but this guy is different, he literally has no ability to hide what he thinks but it never comes off as anything negative. He says "Me! I can do it!" but it's just endearing and never comes across as trying to show off. He says "there was a little bit of friction" and when the members look at himshocked, he looks at them shocked too.... theres no dull moment when he's in frame. It's so amazing how pure a person can be. But know that i am not just rooting for personality but for talent. his voice... His Voice!!! Vocally geonu and heeseung really slayed the butterfly performance but if you ask me, "save me" had a more emotional attack. His facial expression is just brimming of feelings. His voice is so raw. Also You know that part in save me where he transitions from head voice into chest voice really smooth??? You'll know what im saying if you see it. thats so fucking satisfying that i had to replay it so much. I definitely replayed the save me performance more times honeslty. And the way he dances!!! It might not be That refined yet but that's the charm... it's so raw and full of emotions... so like him. I can see myself stanning this group long term if he debuts with them.

2. Jungwon- tf i love this boy so much. his visuals already stood out to me when they were entering i-land, then his voice stood out to me in the first challenge... he did that hard ass choreography without any audible changes to his voice that i had to rewind that multiple times (more than the editor already did) then the moment i saw him dance the center in episode 4??? BOY???? BOY!!!! that was my breaking point... i can't believe im saying this about men but i already knew i would die for him... plus he is so sweet :((( his eyes are just so naturally cute but i was so shocked in the last challenge when he was able to pull off that fierce ass look.... i am devastated... im about the same age but my parental instincts are at work here. plus SPOILER ALERT to those who plan to watch he won first place in both the first and last challenge can everybody say jungwon ace

3. Geonu- my feelings for him are much like jungwon :((( except theres more parental instincts... and i say this despite being younger than him but whatever age is just a vibe... HE IS SO LIDDOL :((( i want to be his mom :(( at first, personality wise, it's hard to notice him bc he's a little calm and laidback... but its the little things that draw you to him :((( his glasses and hoodies just seem a little bit big on him and that just makes me smile for some reason... he cries silently when people are sent to the ground and he gets along well with the people... i noticed him first together with jungwon in the first i land challenge because they had the most stable performance. but i've never been more attached to him than when he sang butterfly (favorite bts song anyone??)... i honestly thought they could debut then and there and i wouldnt bat an eye... also it's so funny that the one thing i identified him with during the early episodes was the fact that whenever the camera pans to him, he just has the dead eye stare and parted lips (think: pokerface but confused) especially with the huge ass glasses but in the end the poker face thing that stuck to me became the thing that worked against him i cri

4. Jay- hold on folks this is going to be a long one. Jay has such a powerful personality that at first made me hesitant about liking him... idk he just seemed like the guy i would not vibe with in real life, but the longer time passed, the more he became one of my favorites and i root for him now like crazy. at first it was funny when they kept rejecting him for the vocal parts, but the more it went on, i was so sure that if it was me, i would have cried and dropped then and there, but it was so amazing watching him push through that and he didnt even lie about how he felt. his unique determination is such a breath of fresh air, a little heartwarming and oh so inspiring. i honestly learned a lot from just watching him. the time he went to the ground was so crucial to his development as a person, leader and performer. it was so mindblowing when he became the leader at the ground and even adapted heeseung's teaching methods. you know that meme "improvise, adapt, overcome?" he is the exact personification of that. what i loved about him the most is that even with his steely determination, he didnt enforce or project that on the other grounders, he just shared it with them. he understands when they need rest, encouragement or massages. he was such a caring leader. Skill wise- i can't say anything. He already proved himself so many times. Great dancer and potential vocalist. The mnet specials also show how much sweeter he is than the show shows him to be. He takes care of everyone, and has more of mother duck than street gang vibes (and he knows how to cook!!). And at the end, while he seems to be mostly self- oriented about debuting, he ends up spending most of his time teaching others and helping them improve. I just love him. Debut Jay 2k20!!!

5. Sunghoon- tf this guy is so cool and laidback that i didnt even pay much attention to him during the early parts but he just keeps crawling into my heart because so many members love him so damn much??? and he just goes along with them?? they want me to do triple axel while average people can't even do a single axel on a trampoline?? ok imma give them a double axel tho. jake is challenging me to arm flexing? yeah why not? k wants me to dance?? yeah lemme just spin 50 times. jay wants to shower together?? weird but im not strongly against the idea. ej wants to scare people? count me in. someone needs a hand to hold?? ok here's my warm hand to the rescue... everyone just wants to be his friend that he birthed my favorite sunoo scene "im cuter than him [jake]" and he was just like "yeah ok i guess so" sksjsk sunoo is that how you ask someone to be your friend jshdk??? and can i just say? as a figure skating fan, he has automatic +52536 points... and when the judges said he's the most natural performer out of them??? i vibed with that hard.. he dances well so naturally and he takes your attention without even seeming like he's trying to. that dance performance with k and jungwon?? i thought at first that his energy wouldnt catch up but damn boy my eyes were just trackingnhim the entire time unintentionallu that i had to rewind and he was just as great as all of them... with the additional benefit of being a stunt boy!! and though it might seem effortless, we saw that he practiced so hard for it. overall a 100/100 boy with a naturally charismatic personality that bleeds into his performance... as a fellow 02 liner i would also like to apply as his bestfriend thank you

6. Heesung- what can i say except he's a perfect boy ok thats it why are you still reading... jk... ok lets talk about him... skill wise?? I cried during the butterfly performance. i marvel at his vocal stability. his voice is so crystal clear. his dancing is so clean. his skills are superb but most of all, theyre already so refined. there's nothing more i could ask for. personaloty wise... i also have a lot to say... despite his celebrity status, it's awesome how he can make the other trainees comfortable with him. he's kind and soft and lovely.

but because i am me, i have to overanalyze people so idk skip this if you dont like that. for someone who's experienced being an academic achiever... i sure do vibe with his personality a lot... you know when there's a group activity and you're so sure you can lead it well but you don't want to? half because you dont want to come off as a show off and half bc you genuinely still have self-doubts, and you're scared of falling short of expectations. Also, you feel that if it all fails, you'll be responsible so you have to feel that everyone approves you before you can take leadership and show your entire thing. And the moment you feel validated and take the reins, you start unconsciously projecting your perfectionist attitude on people??? yeah... i love that despite being an almost perfect person he still has issues most people can find relatable and that, in addition to the talent makes me want to root from him. (im also going to take a stab and guess that his mbti is probs ixxp) i'll be honest tho, because its like 100 percent sure now that he'll debut, im not super attached to him??? i love him tho but he's just not in any danger so i can just let my support for him chill. i think amidst this, bc most of the trainees depend a lot on him, i mostly hope for him to take care of his mental health

7. Daniel- awww danielll... i went into i-land not knowing anyone's ages so i had a brief whiplash feeling when someone said daniel is 15... it's because he's so emotionally mature?? like he's such a supportive and caring person that it barely struck me the that he might be the youngest?? he already caught my attention when they performed "any song" bc they just seemed like they were having fun and doing their best without the pressure of whether they would win ir not, and for me that attitude is something you'd see from more experienced performers. and during the second ep when he just felt the need to comfort everyone bc he's got such a high score?? i loved that an i was so bummed out when they eliminated him. the save me performance was definitely a cherry on top that i just had to love him more than i already do... he may be young but he's as ready to debut as everyone else.

8. Jake- jake is just one of the people who showcased so much growth between ep 1 and ep 2. he already had the right attitude when they performed crown and he just had to improve skills and stage presence, and improved he did. despite being one of the trainees with the shortest training time, he was the one teaching the others by the end it just supports my theory that he might have been an ace as well if he just had the same amount of training as everyone else. im also truly in love with his mischievous antics. he seemed like an introvert to me at first but he came out of his shell and i love that. also i just crave more moments of him and sunghoon's friendship (they both seemed like introverts who found someone they could be extroverts with in each other) i am 👌this close to storming i land and demand that they let me join their merry little band of 2002 children

9. Niki- dance skills= 100 he's just so good it's unreal... it's insane... everytime he's on screen i hear boss musicand i cant even imagine him being younger than anyone, let alone taki. i get why some people dislike him but honestly i think it's just because they don't see him as a child... but he is. i was honestly a bit mad for him when they kept guilt tripping him into leading all of them, and i understood his tjought process when he thought he just kept failing everyone and when he thought things just kept backfiring on him. he is held on such a high pedestal and i dont think he deserves that kind of burden. as for me, it would just be a waste of talent to let him go. his attitude could still improve, as we'd seen when he eventually volunteered to help everyone. i also felt bad when he said that he's scared he might not be voted bc some people dont base on skills and i love him and i just want him to kmow that he's loved

10. Taki- what the hell can i even say?? he's the kindest softest boy ever. he tries to see the good in people and is very hardworking... he listens to people well and actually follow them, so he improves a lot... he knows people think he's cute and he tries and tries and tries to look fierce if the song calls for it... he is amazing

11. K- i really can't say anything, he really stands out during performances. also very pro at dancing. his choreography??? *chef's kiss* and i think the younger trainees depend a lot on him, besides heesung and so he's good at keeping the team together.

12. EJ- im really hesitant about the last person to be the twelfth i lander because it could almost be anyone and i wouldnt be too bummed out bc theyre almost all equally talented... the thing with ej tho is he already gets along well with the i landers and has harmony with other members. (plus see above: im a sucker for the 2002 line) i think its a tiny bit unfair to base it on this bc the others didnt even get a chance to show what they can bring to the group so im torn.

bonus: i wouldnt feel too bad if it were jaebeom (he has great voice, the producers think he's not too stand out bc he's weak at dance, but the i land is already so full of people whose expertise is dancing, so i think there should be someone who's specialty is singing), kyungmin (i really appreciated how hard he worked during the last test and it actually paid off, i honestly noticed him there even if he was always at the back. i also loved his determination and i was so touched when he and jaebeom were talking and he said "there's really nothing to do but believe in the impossible right?" it's just that the i landers were already ahead of him in terms of skills so he failed the votings) and hanbin (i've watched his cover videos and he's really good at dancing and stage projection. like i was honestly wondering why it wasnt showing in the performances :((( and he hadnt even had too much screentime to actually See what he's capable of.

#idk anymore #do you have the same rankings and reasons as me??#iland #lets talk #iland sunoo #iland jungwon #iland geonu #iland daniel #iland heeseung #iland sunghoon #iland jake #iland k #iland jay #iland niki #iland taki #iland ej

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elizawright · 3 years

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My experience with Aspergers

OCD and Anorexia 2/2:

Right now the painful part, this is probably the most difficult to talk about because it’s still so fresh and still very much active in my daily life. My Anorexia story I would say officially began around December 2018 however as I’ve mentioned before I’ve always struggled with eating. It started as just being a very fussy kid, in my early teen years I used to obsessive compulsively diet extremely strictly for periods of time. I think this in itself could be considered Anorexia or at least I was at the very edge of being. A year later I would completely 180, over eat and put on a lot of weight. A year later from that I would once again strictly diet this time making myself throw up if i “over ate” in my mind or ate something “bad”. I distinctly remember being 14 on holiday in Florida. My family kept encouraging me to eat fruit loops for breakfast (I would only eat bran flakes) and of course I desperately wanted to but it was very scary to me. So I did eat them one day and being 14 and uneducated on food I had a panic. Though I was panicking I didn’t ever tell anyone Insted I hid away, found a toilet and forced myself to throw up. Now this is years before I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder but to me, this doesn’t seem healthy. Looking back I feel quite sorry for little me feeling I had to hide away and be sneaky, I wish I had told my mum how I was feeling, but I didn’t. Anyway, back to my official timeline. So 2018 was the year I did my gcses, it was a different year, I was so focused on my studies I began to over eat as a coping mechanism, this caused me to put on quite a bit of weight. Now I was never really fat but i was overweight, I would guess 13 stone (to put in comparison, when diagnosed with anorexia 6 months later I was 7 stone something, that’s a loss of 5 stone). In November that year I got my lovely boyfriend. When we first started dating I felt quite ashamed that I weighed more than him. Of course he didn’t care, I don’t think he even ever thought of it, he just liked me for me, but the intrusive thoughts which are oh so common to me told me otherwise. I began to notice in the morning my belly looked it’s flattest which I figured was because I hadn’t put any food in my stomach making it bloat so I began not eating in the mornings. If I was going to see my boyfriend who obviously as a young teen at the start of a relationship I wanted to impress I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat while I was around him then as soon as I got home I would eat as normal. This is where it all began. My boyfriend used to recall to my mom “she never eats breakfast and never eats at my house! I try and feed her but she just won’t eat.”

So like I said life carried on like this for a few months, I didn’t loose a massive amount of weight, maybe half a stone, but things changed drastically after a holiday to Egypt. On the first day I was struggling and obsessing over my appearance as usual, obsessing over every roll I could see. Looking back now I looked great! I had big boobs and hips, but at the time I didn’t see any of that all I saw was fat. Well the next day after this I caught a really bad case of the flu. I was bed ridden for the entire rest of the week barely well enough to get home. As we were in Egypt we had no way of getting any medication at all not even paracetamol so I was completely wiped out, it was the worst illness I’ve ever faced were literally everything that could happen, happened. Now because of this I didn’t eat for the entire week.

Once I arrived home and I began the process of analysis of my body as per usual I noticed I had lost weight. I put two and two together realising a week of not eating made me really quickly drop a ton of weight. The cogs began turning and I told myself the short amount of pain (being the hunger) my future self would thank me for. So I began restricting. Using the bike analogy it began at a quick pace but slowly got faster and faster. Soon I was eating no more than 400 calories a day, anymore than that and I would get depressed and anxious and stressed (for comparison the average women needs 2000 calories a day just to maintain weight) I was terrified of nearly all foods. Butter, bread, literally everything I can think of. I weighed out everything out to the T never eating a full packet of something. Which if I’m honest, I still do weigh everything, I also still count calories obsessively. This is what I mean by I’m not fully recovered I’m a lot better, but still suffering and fighting.

Now at this point my mental and physical health began to really suffer. I was normally really good at school getting outstanding grades in gcses but now with a levels I wasn’t able to get work completed or done, I couldn’t concentrate, I would fall asleep in class because I was tierd constantly, I wasn’t my normal talkative enthusiastic self because I was so drained of all energy I’m honestly so shocked my teachers didn’t make more of an effort to help me. I remember one time a teacher telling me I looked very ill and pale so forced me to eat a banana they had brought for their own lunch which was a struggle for me to do. Luckily for me a teacher i still dont know reported to the head of sixthform about being worried for me. They had been gone 3 months and within coming back had noticed the drastic change in weight I had had. It goes to show how much weight I lost as I was always wearing baggy clothes to hide it and she still noticed. Now that I’m mentioning it all my clothes were massively oversized because I no longer fit my entire wardrobe. I would try and wear stuff like leggings as they made me feel comfortable and happy in myself but my head of sixthform would shout at me and force me to change. I recall a few teachers and students coming to me asking if I was alright as they had noticed my rapid weight loss, I told them it was just stress. I was completely in denial I had tricked myself into thinking it was normal, I have no idea how I even lasted as long as I did at sixthform like this. So as the story goes I got taken into the teds team which is a recovery center for children with eating disorders

I was extremely reluctant to go, I was stand off ish and rude to the doctors and my family which is something that is not in my nature at all. Looking back all they wanted to do was help me but at the time I thought everyone was against me were trying to trick me into being fat. This was clearly the anorexia talking and not me, it was completely in control. While there I was freezing cold so they had to turn the fan off. I was honest as I could be and told them most of what I previously told you but it still didn’t actually sound like a concern to me. I down played it as much as a could because I didn’t want anyone’s help. I can still remember that horrible feeling of being so stubborn and refusing to even acknowledge what the people around me were saying I was so caught up in the anorexic trap. Now about a year ago from this I had been previously weighed as I had started a new version of medication, like I said I weighed in at around 85kg, 13 stone. I got weighed again on this day and was in the 7 stones, I had lost nearly 6 stone in 3 months. That’s crazy looking back at. I was told if I didn’t turn myself around soon my periods would stop and I would have to go into hospital to be force fed. They warned me as I was in the hight of my teenage development i was right at the edge of doing permanent growth, brain and fertility damage. I love children and can’t wait to be a mother someday and I really highly value my intelligence so this was the kick up the bum I needed to start my recovery. I came back a week later to create an eating plan and in that time I had dropped another couple of pounds in just a week. I was very stubborn during the hour we spent making an eating plan, we pretty much fought back and forth me and the doctor disagreeing on everything, the eating disorder had complete control over my mind and I was pretty much in auto pilot. Eventually we came to an agreement which I still was very reluctant to follow, but I had worked out the calorie intake and it felt at level that was “safe” for me. I was also just happy to not have to worry about making food anymore as my mum was now in charge or making everything I eat. Before this I was eating on average a banana, half a packet of cuscus and a plain piece of brown bread without butter and a spoon full of baked beans with no sauce. On top of this I drank an unhealthy amount of coffee, so much I became addicted, to help me loose weight, keep me full and give me the energy I didn’t have.

I remember so vividly the first day I followed this new eating routine my stomach had shrunk so small I was physically in pain by the end of the day. I was to eat 2 spoons of yogurt in the morning, an egg sandwich at lunch on brown bread, an apple, half a dinner and one weatabix at night. By the weatabix I was in physical pain from being so full. But I pushed through it. A week later I had still lost weight but not as much as the normal rate went. This is when I was told I had to add in extra and I reacted terribly. I flat out refused to follow it anymore and said I was quitting the program. For a few months I refused to follow the new program sticking to the old one I felt safe with and still lost weight with. With things like anorexia it’s something I feel can never be solved by anyone else it’s something you have to do yourself. I think I improved just overtime by chatting with the teds team and the dietitian and educating myself. This next part of my journey is kind of difficult to talk about as I don’t remember it much, I was so tired and drained it’s all kind of disappeared from my memory. Eventually through education I began to slowly add things to my eating plan. I added crisps (but only under the condition they were healthy ones under 100 calories) changed the yogurt to 2 weatabix as it was easier to measure and less of a “scary food” to me.

So yeah, since this is just a short (at least as short as I can make it) synopsis of my journey I’m just going to skip to now. Some day maybe I’ll talk about the one and a half year gap there is between then and now but that would take too long for the moment. Now I am still suffering with eating. I’ve put on a bit of weight but I’m still classed as underweight. I still follow a very strict daily routine with what I eat, I still weigh things out, I still calorie count, I still analyse my body but I am a hell of a lot better than a year ago. I still struggle when it comes to eating “fatning” of “sugary” foods but on occasion I do eat them. I try and eat something every day like a breakfast bar or granola bar. Although I am a lot better now, I’m mostly tortured by the anorexic intrusive thoughts.

I struggle oddly with extreme hunger! Something I hadn’t felt at all while I was in critical condition. I did some research and I found out this happens to most recovering anorexics and their body is literally starving and desperate for food. I have been left with loose skin which makes me extremely embarrassed and unhappy, I hope someday to get rid of it as it’s a big factor of my destress. I hope this story can help educate people without eating disorders and give you an incite into our minds. Someday I will go into more detail.

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system-of-a-feather · 4 years

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Hi, so actually I want to make my driving licence but I am so freaking scared that I am not going to manage it.I have problems with focusing and I am fast overwhelmed, so what if I dont understand something and begin to cry or even Lose more of my focus? I don't know if it's good for me to drive,even I want it so bad.Also I barely have money, so I cant try and fail. If I begin, I have to success. My dad doesn't believe in me so Idk if it's just that what scares me..What do you think? Do or dont?

Ooof. I just woke up but like, I have been in a very very very similar situation as someone who has DID, is quick to get overwhelmed, easily looses focus, and chronically dissociates even outside of DID so I felt like responding pretty quickly. Honestly, from personal experience, this can be a tricky topic and a decision that I don’t know enough of the situation / your personal condition to say one way or the other, but I can generally explain how this issue has gone over for me / our system and if you want to pull from that, great. With that being said, this is 100% our experience with the issue and isn’t necessarily going to play out the same as yours. Just because it played out how it did for us, doesn’t mean it will be the same, so keep that in mind.

I personally got started with my drivers license before noticing this to be an issue so I didn’t necessarily struggle with the topic of if I should or shouldn’t go for it, but shortly after starting to learn, I found that I have a very strong freeze reflex (which isn’t good while driving since it keeps me from making a decision) and while driving it is easy for me to get overwhelmed and dissociate and not take in enough information to drive safely and comfortably. Of course, the knowledge of this makes me more anxious, more overwhelmed, and dissociate more ironically so it is a horrible feedback loop

This actually became a really bad thing for my mental health since I am a really independent person that functions on the idea that I can do almost anything myself if I study it, plan, and dedicate myself properly and that idea is one of the reasons I’ve recovered as much as I have - however I really really struggled to fix this loop.

Personally, I managed to figure out learning how to drive and all with some work, but I did honestly fail a few times. Currently, I do have a Drivers License but I honestly don’t drive because I don’t have a car (but if I really insisted I could, so it is also the second reason that is why I don’t have a car + lack of a current need for one) and personally don’t feel safe enough - at least as Riku - to drive regularly.

With that being said, this might only apply if you have a system, but something that has worked for us a bit is finding what alters might have less of a problem driving and pretty much working really darn hard to set up a ‘ritual’ and environment to try to get them out as much as possible to drive when it is needed - both learning and otherwise. It took me some time, but I decided that it was okay that I really badly struggle with driving and it is something I will work on, but for the time being, I am going to rely on my fiance and Aderis for driving when I need to.

Typically for us, when I need to drive, I try to dress for Aderis, bring her soda, play her playlist, and essentially try to surround ourselves with a large number of her positive triggers since she has very little issues driving and actually likes it.

Currently, as mentioned above, we have a license but no car and don’t drive, which is partially because we don’t need it right now, and partially because I avoid driving - but it is something we are currently working on. Currently I have been working on integrating skills from other alters (drawing is the current one and we succeeded woot) and driving will probably be one of them eventually and at some point, I will have to work on breaking the anxiety-dissociation loop - but while it isn’t necessary nor having a car to drive we aren’t.

Back to your particular topic - some personal take-aways I have from the situation breakdown to the following.

1) Do you think you could figure out a way around your tendency to loose focus / get overwhelmed?

Can this issue be handled with therapy, CBT, or some form of internal management that you can work with? How easily do you think you might be able to recover / overcome this hurdle? If you aren’t sure and have a therapist, I STRONGLY recommend talking this issue over with your therapists.

2) Do you want to drive or do you need to drive? Does where you live have an alternative to independent driving based travel (subways, heavy biking presence, trains, good reliable bus routes)?

If it is a want, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t as much as you should weigh how much you want to drive against how much stress / difficulty / of a challenge it would be currently to do it and weighing it against if you think you can get around it.

Also, even if you technically don’t “need” to drive, if you don’t feel safe not knowing how to drive, I would generally count that as an almost need. Even if it isn’t necessarily needed physically if driving is important to you mentally feeling safe, then it is almost just as needed.

Sometimes, as sad as it might be, driving is a bit critical to gaining money, getting place, getting to school or interacting with people. This is personally why we didn’t give up on driving since we know future we would absolutely need it and with where we live, it wouldn’t work not to.

3) Is it possible to put learning off for a better time financially / mentally?

You do not necessarily have to do this right now. Down the line you might have recovered better and gained more skills to manage the issues that impede driving (I avoided learning for a year or two until I realized Aderis was comfortable with it and learned how to work, communicate, and get her out when I needed) or have more security with money that might allow you to be more comfortable taking the risk.

If it is possible to say “No right now, but it will be a goal in the future” that is 100% a good and valid thing to say since not everything has to be done immediately.

4) If you decide you can’t drive / learn to drive, that is okay and alright. It doesn’t make you stupid or any less of a valuable human being.

It is okay to admit and state that your mental health (or physical health) condition will not allow you to safely and reliably do something most people can. Your condition is not something you asked for nor is it something that is easily controlled or “just got over”. Not everyone can do everything, and when you have a mental condition or physical condition that disables some of your functioning, that is even more so. With that being said, just because you can’t do this thing, it doesn’t mean you can’t do anything and it doesn’t detract from your inherent value as an individual. You are doing your best with the cards you have / were dealt, and it is okay to not be able to do everything. If you feel the need to hate yourself and criticize yourself, I understand where you are coming from - but I just want to remind you from both a mental health advocate and as someone who was in that position, it is okay that you can’t and you are just as valuable and lovable as anyone else. It isn’t your fault you can’t do it. You are trying your best with what you have.

You don’t need to be mean to yourself or hate yourself. There are a lot of people who can’t drive for a large number of reasons ranging from physical, to learning, to mental issues. You aren’t alone in not being able to do this, and things will be okay even if you can’t.

We still support you, and those that around you that are good for you should not care that you can’t work out driving.

It is okay to not be able to do something. You are still an amazing lovable human being.

But anyways, those are my thoughts and personal experiences with this kind of issue and situation. I hope it helped and I really hope you figure this out! Best of luck regardless of if you decide to go for it, go for it later, or to mark it off of the list all together and I hope you have a lot of good luck and good results for whichever decision you make.

-Riku (Host)

#did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #alter: riku #ask #asks #driving

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subconfessions · 4 years

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Day 16

41 days. 2605 edges. All since my last orgasm.

At this point it was really indescribable how horny and desperate I was feeling 😅 and just how constant that feeling was, always being so sensitive and wet and horny has been driving me wild 🤤

I had a bit of a rough start to my Thursday hah the night before having fallen asleep during my edges (oops 🙇🏼‍♀️) and left 30 undone for the night, and Daddy had pretty quickly let me know that I wasn’t going to get a pass on those edges. Instead of just adding those 30 on to Thursday’s 100, I had to do 200 instead, and I was to put my tack bra on until they were finished. Ouch. But the tack bra is a very good motivator 😅

Before putting my tack bra on after work, I jumped in the shower real quick and sent a couple pictures to a new little group chat daddy added me to, and every picture I sent to the chat would give her 15 edges hehe so I took a few and sent them along to give her something fun to do 😋 daddy also had me send her five squeezes once my tack bra was on. I think these group chats are fun, they make me miss our old group chat, and I get a lil bummed when the new person doesn’t stick around for long.

After showing off to her Daddy asked if I’d wanna show off more on kik, and I said yes of course hehe and posted on the getdare forum Daddy had sent me last time, and posted that the first five people get to see my pussy since I had my tack bra on.

It wasn’t long till we were chatting with that handful of people, some of them were fun, some more fun to just mess around with hehe I definitely like having Daddy in the chats to help me when they do things like call me a slave which I most definitely am nooootttt. Ugh I felt so meh when he called me a slave, the complete opposite to how I feel when Daddy calls me little one and all the other cute names 😋🙈

A couple people we played with there asked for other images and like a good girl I showed them 😋 and Daddy even took a picture of me putting in my large plug for someone hehe when he sends those pictures from his side of the screen it always makes me feel a lil extra submissive cause it’s just even more confirmation that he’s definitely there watching me.

After showing off to those first five people Daddy thought it would be a fun idea to play on Omegle for him tooooo and I was a little nervous but also excited, Daddy had never seen me play with people on Omegle only heard about what I’d done. So having him watch me play with others made me feel a tiny bit shy at first, but after a minute I remembered there’s nothing to feel shy about.

So I definitely got more comfortable cruising through Omegle, people disconnecting from me left and right - I can only assume they thought I was fake, since I was sitting there very obviously naked aside from my bra.

But I managed to find a handful of people to play with, a couple having me play with my tits for them, after I mentioned the tacks torturing them of course. Showing them the large plug in my ass, playing with my pussy a bit, but not cumming of course. Then one guy wanted to see me double stuff myself and I usually dont with my large plug, but I was up for it, he had me sit on top of it and bounce on it and oh my god it felt incredible. But boy it didn’t last too long till Daddy asked me if it felt good being double stuffed and then asked if I would give him a loud “yes daddy” and without hesitation I did because it felt amazinggg.

And then.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I had to reread the message twice.

“Turn off Omegle and get out your vibe let’s give you an orgasm”

I don’t even know what face I made but I’m sure it was priceless 😅

I was elateddddd

I couldn’t believe I was getting my orgasm finally

Finallyyyyy

Fiiiinnnaaaaaalllyyyyyyyy

I had waited so long, I tried so hard to be so good about not cumming early through my long stretch of denial and I had finally done ittttt 😁😁😁

And I was finally about to have that mind blowing orgasm I haven’t been able to get off my mind for weeks.

Not gonna lie, for a split second I thought it was a test, but I know Daddy wouldn’t take his teasing thaaaat far (I mean I hope not 😅).

I didn’t think about it long enough to really consider that though haha, I closed out of omegle so fast (Poor guy was probably enjoying his view haha) and I dove for my vibrator in my box, because I was sooooo ready for this orgasm. I had been waiting sooooo long and edging sooooo many times to get to this and I couldn’t believe it was already here. Daddy had been teasing about the day after my birthday so much that he was definitely convincing me that was when it was gonna be 🙇🏼‍♀️

So getting that orgasm just shocked the absolute shit outta me 😅

I laid back, but Daddy had me come back to him, and he told me all about why I deserve this orgasm and why he’s giving it to me and 1) that just made me feel so fuzzy and super proud of myself and happy and 2) it completely destroyed the mental block I have on cumming.

And with my vibrator on I gave myself one of the most intense orgasms I have ever had. I saw stars. The feeling was really indescribable, and I felt it just from the top of my head down to my toes and it was unbelievable and incredible to finally release after soooo long and soooo much edging building up my need to cum. My head was fuzzy and light when I was finally able to sit up and talk to Daddy who had just watched and heard everything.

Daddy told me to tie my vibe to me and we’d put it on and I’d get to cum as many times as I wanted before the vibe died. So I tried to make quick work tying the vibe to myself and this was the first time Daddy had ever watched my tie myself up. And I was thankful that I knew what I was doing at this point when it comes to tying my crotch ropes hehe 😋

It was kind of sad though because my vibe died after one orgasm. Just one. I dunno why either 🙇🏼‍♀️ because I had it fully charged and in the box. But the worst part of that was I was gonna have to tell Daddy it died. But of course I told him and he questioned me about it but had another idea. He asked me how many times I wanted to cum today.

That made me pause.

Because the answer to that is as many times as I can.

But I knew that wasn’t an answer.

And I knew if I said 100 that would be silly.

So I decided to go with 16 😅 cause that was how many I got the first time Daddy had me tape the vibe to my clit for him.

And Daddy shocked me again and told me I was going to have to cum 16 more times for him then by the end of the day.

No way 😳🤤😅

I couldn’t believe it honestly.

This was such a rollercoaster, I wasn’t expecting this at all today, and even when I was told I would get an orgasm I didn’t even imagine that I would end up with 18 total.

So I went to charge my vibe again so I could use it for my orgasms.

But Daddy had me grab my pink vibe so that he could play with me a bit toooo, and I realllyyy like it when Daddy uses it with me. It’s always so much hotter knowing Daddy’s the one playing around with it and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t even move or buck my hips away from it.

So from that alone Daddy gave me a handful of orgasms contributing to my 16 I still needed to have. And my brain was already turning into jello. After not having cum for so long and now having orgasm after orgasm 🤤🤤🤤 my brain was just shutting down, and my legs were shaking, and my pussy was just so so happy and getting more and more sensitive with each orgasm.

The rest of them I gave to myself. Either using my dildo, or my vibe, or both,. Alll with Daddy watching. For awhile I had my plug in my ass, till Daddy told me to take it out and fuck my ass the way my friend did. And ugh just thinking about all of this now is getting me so horny again because it felt soooo good. I came so fast from having my ass fucked, it always surprises me that I can cum from just anal alone, but I won’t complain 😜

With each orgasm they just built in intensity and my brain just got more and more mushy, at first it was hard to keep track of my orgasms for Daddy, he wanted me to make sure I was counting them out loud, but my orgasm brain made that very difficult.

And I finally finished my last orgasm. It was honestly so bittersweet but it was so so so so soooo worth it. It felt almost as incredible and intense as the first one, and I think that was due go knowing that would be my last orgasm for awhile.

But man is the denial worth it. So so soo worth it 🤤 those were some of the best orgasms that I’ve had, and having earned them after all that time just made them that much better 😍😋

So those were my orgasms hehe and I am very wet after having relieved them 😅 and I guess it’s time to start all over huh?

Until next time 😋😋

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bi-rezi · 5 years

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I got into thinspo type shit when I was about 14, about the same time I read wintergirls by laurie halse anderson. (dont read that book, btw.) I was the skinniest I've ever been, largely bc that was also before the doctors were able to nail down a diagnosis for my ulcerative colitis, let alone treatment. I counted calories, I wrote down everything I ate, the whole thing. and then I got my diagnosis and had the realization that with the colitis, I could actually die of malnutrition if I didnt eat. so I did what I do best and forced it all to the back of my mind. I threw away my calorie journal and stopped looking at thinspo and pushed any thoughts of the yellow bubbles of fat under my skin (thanks ms anderson) as far to the back of my mind as I could and tried to eat like a real person again.

and it mostly worked, even though I was still insecure about my body. I didnt think about the phrase "emptystrong" (thanks ms anderson) for ages. I gained weight, broke 100lbs again and filled out some. started actually growing breasts and hips, as one does during puberty.

then I went on prednisone. then I stayed on prednisone for about 5 continuous months. at one point I was taking 60mg a day. if you're not familiar with prednisone, it's a corticosteroid that people arent generally prescribed for longer than 2 weeks because the side effects (weight gain, fat collecting in odd places, depression, increased appetite, acne, etc) are so numerous and problematic. it wouldn't've happened if we hadn't been in the process of switching insurance and therefore switching doctors, but it did. to be honest I could sue, if we could afford to do that kind of thing.

I was probably around 120 when i started on the prednisone. by the time I got off it, I was probably about 180, and I didnt stop slowly gaining weight until just recently, 4 whole years later. not to mention that I was always hungry, no matter how much I ate. my face blew up like a balloon - prednisone moon face is why I look the way I do - and I got horrible, horrible acne. and, of course, it really fucked with my preexisting depression, not to mention the stress of being a 15 year old girl and having your whole entire appearance ruined.

I never quite got back into thinspo proper, but I didnt need to when now almost any model or actress was sure to be so much skinnier than me that it had the same effect. I wasnt the only fat person in my friend group, nor was I the biggest or heaviest, but i felt like the ugliest and I probably was. i felt 100% unlovable, like anything else about me was overshadowed by how horrible I looked. any self-esteem I'd previously had was just gone. I got into some pretty harmful depressive habits.

the first time I opened up about the prednisone to someone who both hadn't been there while it was happening and who had been on prednisone themself was when I was 16. I was in Scotland, I was flirting with the idea of being nonbinary, and I was with an all-girls choir. but they were all kind to me, and friendly enough to even consider some of them friends. a couple of us were chronically ill, so I talked about my colitis and the prednisone. one of the girls had been on it before and she was shocked to hear that I'd been on it so long. she didnt say it, but I bet she was thinking something along the lines of "no wonder you look like that."

(I actually came out as nonbinary for the first time on that trip. I skyped my girlfriend at the time and told her, and the next day I told the entire choir, all at once.)

any self esteem I have now, any positive thing i think about my body or my face, i had to build from the ground up. i have fought tooth and nail against my depression and my anxiety and everything else going on in my brain to get to where I am today wrt positivity. sometimes it still feels like fighting to feel good about myself. sometimes I lose and just feel like shit all day.

it helps to actually look around at the real people you know. your mom, your grandma, your teachers, your friends - maybe one or two of them looks like a thinspo model but the rest of them look much more... normal. because it is normal to carry fat on your body - you are not grotesque, you are not a whale of a person, you are not beyond saving or loving.

another thing that's been helping has been working on my relationship to food. I still struggle with what feels like the basics - just eating enough. often, between my various mental problems and my physical health, I don't have the spoons to make healthy food, and money is also an issue with that type of thing. I would just... not eat, because I couldn't make anything and I couldn't afford anything healthy. but the thing is that the rules are different when you still struggle to make 3 meals a day happen. getting any food into your body, no matter what it is, is a LOT better than not having any food in your body. I couldn't afford healthy premade food, but I could afford shitty food. it was hot, and it was filling, and it was better than an empty stomach and I'll never regret eating mcdonalds when I couldn't cook for myself.

it is not easy. I still dont have a properly healthy relationship with food, or with my body image. I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I slip up and miss meals often. but I am doing better, and that is all I can ask for.

#txt #long post #disordered eating #personal

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it-is-ok-i-am-ok · 5 years

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Wait, why are you getting kicked off social security and state aid? 💕💕

Sorry for the late reply. This story is wild from start to end so hang on for the ride

Long story short, the original problem was that SS has to start counting my boyfriend and I as married, which like….no. They said they have to for two reasons (mostly because of reason one), but I do understand don’t get me wrong.

1. We signed for a timeshare together.

2. He put me as his beneficiary for his life insurance.

Now, let me explain.

I went into the timeshare thing (you know the usual like being shown this shit blah blah blah) being like nope we aint buying. (We had to go through it to get something we won or something which in the end was BS gift) We go into “Signing” room and I’m like nope, nada. But then everything just went…so wrong. Long story short, I’m obviously on disability for a reason ok. (I was granted both physical and mental but I won my case in five minutes because of my mental LOL). People who have mental illnesses, especially borderline personality disorder probably understand me on this one. Condo: I couldn’t get out, as hard as I tried. My boyfriend, he’s obviously my BOYFRIEND not my HUSBAND because he still don’t get it all (like my mum who is my representative in every aspect except the stupid payee which makes it “official”). So he like didn’t understand what he was doing was bad and my ques of like holy shit this needs to stop not like my momma. Finally I was like ok ok ok what the fuck ever but it’s your timeshare I want nothing of this, we break up its yours. Then they come back and say because of his credit he couldn’t. So then here we go I immediately feel guilt (without anyone having to say anything more) and my guilt problems cause me anxiety problems which causes me to do the stupidest shit on earth like my guilt problems are legit one of the beggist things i work on in therapy. So they assured me, If i put my name it’s like being a co-signer bleh bleh bleh. It’s in our contract that he pays. While signign they were even like you can read the contract later if you just wanna sign now. Like it was that fucked up.

The beneficiary whatever. Jonathan told me he had to put someone or that was his understanding and lemme telll you, im the only choice. I was assured it could be changed and this wasn’t permanent because I dont want that kinda commitment. I just idk I didn’t think anything of it and just thought i was helping someone because i have another problem with ovre-compassion as i call it lol.

So fast forward she tells me ight well we gotta count you as married. And I’m like WHAT NO I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING. and she omfg she’s like “well you don’t know that” and I’m like bitch…I know I’m right.

Well guess fucking what, yes I would lose everything. Even tho his money, his work, we aint sharing it it aint joint bank account wahbam, fuck me right.

Now, wouldn’t this be your first clue that you shouldn’t count as us married (one of first things I asked):

“Well, what if we break up!?” She then told me blah blah blah I have a year then i’m fucked. Then for like 1.5 hour we talked and at the end she got it, I was a blubbering mess. So she was like ok i aint promising anything because if someones doing this stuff, I put them as married end of story….but i’m gonna send you, your bf, and mom able to write statements blah blah.

Then as the end it was very lightly mentioned “Oh wait..you might no matter what lose stuff because it’s a resource” but it was said like no real concern. I then realized later hell fucking yeah it’s a concern.

So my mum and I are talking and I’m like this is bananas, it aint like oh man i signed on the dotted line and i regret it…it’s like I have a mental illness that makes it so sometimes uhmmmm I may act rash, or be influenced etc DUH. And then BAM. It just hit me.

A WEEK PRIOR I HAD LITERALLY BEEN IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL. Not 2 weeks, not 1.5 week but a WEEK. I was in there because I was on a medication that was making me plan out my suicide….I was released because the agreed I was safe enough to at least not KILL myself. Not because I was 100% off the med or 100% ok in the membrane. And then i had this vague memory that I signed this shtit leaving the hospital about how I’m not mentally capable of making any life decisions or something. (Their way of saving my ass I guess). I get a call back on monday about that if I did.

So my mom talked to this bomb ass lawyer and long story short I’m 99.9999999% sure I’m gettingout of this contract.

So ok that solves that problem. And considering again sign contract acting married wasn’t mentally 100% shouldn’t count for married either. And seeing how she was really believing me long story short….

No, I now don’t think I will lose everything.

I want to set the record straight tho, I just days ago thought I was losing

1. Social security income

2. Medicare

Then she said the state probably wouldn’t kick me off because they’re more leniant with “marriage” thing. But the resource thing oh man, then I would have also lost

1. I would have went from SS income to state income, but nope nevermind

2. medicaid gone.

So I would be worth $0 a month, and I mean I would have my parents insurance but I can’t afford that deductable and copay shit, and also Im gonna be 26 eventually. So that means I would be reliable on my boyfriend 100% (which like uhh our relationship is so up and down like no thank you I wanna be able to move out if I want/have to). And his income barely covers one person let alone two. (We did the math if we lost everything and we’d be lucky if we had $50 for the week after paying everything and that’s if we baby how much we spend for gas, food etc).

This would also mean I’d lose my medicaid appointment transportation which FYI my PT is an hour and 10 minutes away, but then again I couldn’t afford to go anyways to anything. As my convo with my driver went

“Damn, you wouldn’t even be able to work if they forced you….because of how many appointments you have.”

-me “You know now…they’ll say ‘well cause ya lost everything… youll have plenty of time now LOL”

-her: “And then you woudn’t even be able to work with your “free time” because you need your appoointments to function!”

-me: “EXACTLY”

So appointments, medications, treatments (Botox anymore? LOL RIGHT and I just got approved for Hetlioz look up that babies price MEGA LOL), affording my car/insurance, my apartment (can’t afford this place no more), internet (if I even could continue school), sadly my lovely rats, my income etc GOOOOONE.

So lets all pray to the gods of the disabled that my contract gets cancelled and I don’t lose everything and actually legit….die. LOL

I went from Wednesday facing the fact that I’m going to die, to friday holy shit I am saved god bless my borderline brain

So moral of the story is my mom is probably going to become my payee, and try to prevent me from getting emotionally influenced or emotionally rash into things, and now my boyfriend nows ques etc. He also obviously knows to NEVER do something like this again. I have also learned that I know I obviously have a brain that works differently and makes even the simpilest things hard, but I’m going to mention in therapy how I want to work on this and we can try to at least (if I can’t able to say no) make my ques known and obviously to jonathan. To talk more beforehand about things and plans, and also make trusted others know what I am ok with and am not.

#trigger #triggering #chronic illness #chronic pain #disabled #disability #medicine #doctor #im scared to tag shit because of getting attacked by able bodied ppl #social security #suicide

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trisahratop32-blog · 5 years

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The reason i am putting my lifes issues out in a blog is maybe... just maybe it will help somone. When I was in my 20′s I had my youngest daughter who I developed Post Pardon Psychosis. For those who do not know what this is its like PPDepression. Only I hear voices and saw things that were not there. All i felt was the pain and my own brain telling me how horrible of a person i was, pointed out every wrong i ever made, my husband was cheating, I was not 100% loyal either. The army was destroying our lives. If you want to talk about something making you feel like a piece of shit is going to the ER on an army base with men and women in service who are hurt mentally and physically there who are there to fight for your freedom and life and go in there and have your husband explain how you tried to kill yourself. the way they all look at you is a feeling i dont think I will ever be able to put into any words other then embarrassing. However i did need help... my life was falling apart and i felt like i have no out nothing i was not good enough to be a mother i was not good enough to be a daughter all my life mistakes played into my head and eventually i felt nothing but pain. people would tell me to look at the positive i had 4 beautiful children, a husband a good life some called it however its not that simple.. my brain would NOT let me see those things.. no matter how bad i wanted to. My attachment to my child was not there at all I didnt even want to hold her or take care of her. and that made everything worse. I lost my nephew at 6 days old from SIDS and here I am with a gift of life of a child... and I want nothing to do with it. i was a monster. and it would be better if i was just gone.... so I took hand full of pills in my bathroom. the paramedics came as i was unconscious, my children were being shielded by my husband so they could not see... children see everything btw. its a guilt i may never forgive myself for. My stomach was pumped and i had to see my children in the mental hospital in a special room because there are people there who are not allowed to see children. it was the worse thing ever and still in my head i was the victim. I couldn't change my own mind if my life depended on it... and it did. This was not the first or the last time. I have tried to kill myself a total of about 4 times.. each time my life was saved. and I never knew why, because so many people are not this lucky. I always thought that by doing this i was making things easier. i wrote good bye letters to my children... they never saw them thank god. honestly i thought thy never saw anything. it was such a hard road to recover from my illness and thats exactly what it was an illness. I am bipolar Manic with Psychotic tenancies. talk about a label right lol. i have lost everything in my life so many times i cant count i became very materialistic and what i had or didnt have effected my mood, my life, my mind. I went threw trauma when I was a child, My mother was pretty abusive and in the worst ways. that played a big part in me wanting to die. I was totally justified and had put a lot of thought into it... you see taking your own life is not a thing you just think hey why dont i do this!... there is a common word or letter you should notice in this lil rant. “I” never once did i think about them. anything other then how much better they would be without me. However I beg of you... to think about how your children would be effected if this thought ever crossed your mind. My oldest daughter.. who is 11... she was the one who saw most of everything. and what i thought didnt phase her... did. 5th grade My husband and i were cleaning out her room as some parents do. We found her note book and inside is what killed me and ripped out my heart. She wanted to kill herself.... due to the bullies she never talked about. she wanted to die.. she had a plan... I have NEVER in my life felt pain like this one. I never thought for one second this would be something any of my kids would do because my husband and i have tried to give all of our children the best life possible. SHE was miserable. SHE was hopeless. SHE wanted it all to end. I had to take her to see somone. I was extremely fucking pissed because my child had told the guidance councilor about this who did not follow the chin of command. and said nothing to no one. We could have lost our girl. i immediately reached out to get her help it seemed to help a little.. but i knew it would not just go away like that and i did some things that pissed her off like removing her bedroom door she was not allowed any privacy I also made her sit with me and just talk..... about anything and everything. and honestly.... that seemed to help more then anything. one night i felt it was time for me to come clean and fess up my own selfishness.... I told her everything. The thought of losing me was horrific to her.. and then she was able to relate how we would feel if we lost her. Social Media and the kids these days are growing up too fast and they have sooooo much pressure on them i dont think some people realize. they are pressured to be something to grow up to be in the right to get good grades they have so much pressure to fit in to avoid being bullied and the fact is schools and the laws do not do enough to protect our children from these things. My selfishness gave her this idea, made her feel it was an exit and if she wanted attention... I gave her the idea because everyone was sure as hell all over me after my own attempt. My youngest daughter is now 5 and i think i do make sure she knows i love her the strongest I do admit.. and that is due to my own guilt, i am aware. I love all my babies and never will stop. leaving this world and leaving them without a mom was the most selfish thing i could have done I see this now. because my daughter showed me what it looks like from the outside. SHE saved me. I will always have her back no matter what I will always protect her and my sons and my other daughter. i dont know what or where i would be without my children. I am one lucky woman. So if you think that the world is a better place without you.. think about how it would effect you if you lost a person you love more then yourself.. then multiply that by a 100. the world will not be a better place without you. if you have gone threw this or are going threw this... reach out, tell your story.. somone who has never gone threw this may not understand. like somone who has never done drugs trying to tell you they understand your addiction. it does not work. tell your story and get it out. I thought my life was at its low and the worse it could ever be i thought my heart could not be more hurt.. i was wrong when I saw what life was doing to my baby.... I never thought about that and never imagined. So that is what I have for today. Today I looked at my beautiful girl smiling at me before school she hugged and kissed me and said see you after school mama. and it his me how lucky i was. She will be 12 in March and that almost didnt happen. i am grateful.

disgrace

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moldypieceoflasagna · 6 years

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36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe.

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity @drawinintherain )

#love exposing myself to people on the internet #hot

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thedappleddragon · 3 years

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twofer because sleep schedule madness

Woken up at noon by dad, left at 2something to go driving for a couple hours to practice parallel parking, running over lots of cones in the process because they were too short for us to see. Stopped practice early so we could go to the hardware store to pick up hooks so my sister can set up a hammock, and went grocery shopping where it was VERY CROWDED and gave me a little headache, partially from chewing gum too long. We got home and my dad started cooking dinner on the grill and I helped by making stuffed mushrooms which turned out amazing :) we had asparagus and mushrooms and scallops and burgers and pork chops and hot dogs and pasta salad and potato salad oh my. My friend dropped by to pick up the bear I made them, but first they went grocery shopping and lost their wallet lol. Afterwards I hung out for a bit and accidentally fell asleep. I woke up for half a second when my dad came in to turn off my light, and didn’t wake up again until 1am or so. My dreams were centered around a mechanic of matching rhythms and events to move time forward or something, idk. But since I went to bed early and just now woke up when I would normally start thinking about going to sleep, I’m afraid I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule and won’t be able to go back to sleep tonight. I’m gonna try tho. (all that was typed at 1 am, its now midnight the next night) so no I did NOT go back to sleep. instead I watched tiktoks and drew Bugsnax but mostly some random gemsonas. I washed the sun rise and heard my mom come home from morning shift, but eventually my sister got up and started her day so I got up too. I felt just a little sick, just like the embodiment of sour milk, and my head spun just a little bit as I walked down the hall. but I ate a bagel and hung out and was fine. there was freezing rain outside so all the trees had little icicles on them so I couldn't go outside with my cat, and I couldn't go driving with my dad. I finfished up the tiktok and hung out, played some stardew valley, ya know. I talked with my mom for a little bit and we ate together and I struggled to not eat the rest of the girl scout cookies dad bought yesterday. I was just chilling in my room when my sister walked in with a letter from ball state talking about tuition costs, and I made the mistake of showing my dad which stressed him out on his day off which I feel kinda bad about. but then he kept giving me lists of stuff to do and kept telling me; in the kitchen, in the living room, standing in my doorway- it sucked. instead of doing something productive I listened to tally hall and put on 5 asmr videos at once to block out everything I possibly could and I just laid like that for a while until I could move again. my brother texted me and i watched a video about the dorm I'm staying in and DAMN IT LOOKS SO NICE?? its a new building with fully stocked maker spaces and a kitchen and semi-private bathrooms and communal spaces that remind me of my high school and a really clean and tidy laundry room. I think I'll like living there, but tbh lately I've been stressed and hesitant about college. I know it’ll be a great time and I'll learn a lot but I cant help it. idk man. but I did spend some time checking off stuff for the to-do list they sent in the mail. I don't understand the proxy but I promise I'll do it soon. I also set up a time/date for my drivers license test which I do not feel ready for AT ALL but hey we still have a week and a halfish. I also need to tally up my driving hours which is hard because I didn't consistently write them down :x oops. I'm pretty dang sure I have enough, I just have to fudge the exact times. that's another thing I was supposed to do today. ugh god I'm thinking too much about college tuition. maybe if I can funnel my energy away from stardew and back into fursuit making, I can make some decent money off of that. I just need to order a couple furs but the long white shag is out of stock right now. it’s never in stock tho which fuckin sucks. bleh I have too many things happening at once, and on top of all this I feel like a lazy shithead disappointment of a child because I just bum around the house all the time while all my friends are working full time or doing school or both and fhdgfdsflgjs shit sucks :( I think I'll get some good pictures of my brown puffy paws and try to pawn them off, maybe sell one of my mostly-finished fursuit heads as a fixer upper and throw in her unfinished paw and the fabric I used for it if I can find it. for now I just dont want to think about it and play stardew valley or something instead. I was gonna say maybe I’ll play Webkinz but it brings me a little sense of dread because I feel bad for not playing daily but when I do it feels like a chore. ughhhhh why do I have to throw myself into things 100% for a while and then give up on them? oh right its the mental illness. fuck. maybe some of this is just from being awake for almost 24 hours now. but does it even count if most of that time is laying in bed concerting energy anyway? I found out during highschoolI can pull an all nighter mostly unscathed as long as I'm laying down in bed while I do it. Ifeel guilty about not using my desk or cleaning my room or having mom spend all this time money and effort to try and make my room nice but instead I still do everything in bed. fuck. I wished I could have talked with my friend about feeling left behind and unproductive since school let out but it turns out she’s been working full time so I really am a slacker and dragging behind everyone else. why the fuck am I like this I hate it here why do I have to go through life with unmedicated adhd. godamnit this is all gonna be irrelevant in like 5 minuted when I fuck off and watch youtube to forget about it anyway so who cares. I didnt mean for my daily report to turn into a vent, sorry

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #march 2021 daily #2021 daily #long post #vent #also I started feeling very Gender during the tally hall moment

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5questions · 6 years

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Peter BD

as the young man gazed up at the eclipse

he thought

“damn, i’m looking at

the

eclipse”

So begins acclaimed poet Peter BD's dizzying journey into the depths of the textual Self, in which reflexive phrases play off one another like a thousand points of light shining through a fifth of cognac and illume the striving and conniving which defines our current moment. From treatises on chicken to the moral quandaries of Winona Ryder, touchstones of the Now seep through Peter's verse like osmosis like milk through lace like the blinking of your fifth eye. Buoyant humor and steely irony mix together to form a wild combination which goes down easy but lingers with you for the rest of the day.

BUY IT TODAY FROM INPATIENT PRESS

How many of your famous/infamous email letters have you sent out? By your estimation, what's the ratio of positive to negative feedback you have received (could also throw in neutral)? Or is it hard to categorize them as such? What are the most wild responses you have ever gotten? Define 'wild' as you will.

i'm not sure how many stories i've emailed people. i've never kept count. in the beginning i'd write a lot of people things but don't do it now as much as i used to. all i can say is that it's probably a big number overall. or maybe not. sorry for not being able to answer this one. feedback to the stories is either positive, neutral or no response at all. i'd say it's about 60% positive and 40% neutral. this is just going on my responses in my inbox. i don't have any social media besides twitter so unsure what the overall reaction is, if there is any. no one really replies to me in a negative way. i remember one person corrected my grammar once which was funny. i think my most memorable negative response came from you. i sent you a 3 part email and here was your response: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE STOP SENDING ME YOUR FUCKING EMAILS ITS FUCKING FICTION I HATE YOU PEOPLE JUST KIDDING ABOUT ONE OF THOSE PARTS NOT ALL OF THEM FUCKING ASSHOLE I AM UNIMAGINATIVE I STALK PEOPLE GIRLS BOYS WOMEN MEN ANIMALS PLANTS SO FUCK YOU DID YOU HACK MY EMAIL PLEASE DONT IM SORRY I LOVE YOU PLEASE LOVE ME BACK this was one of the most memorable responses because it's around the time i first started doing this and also because it's wild. i guess it's more wild than negative. whatever it is i enjoyed it. i don't receive too many wild responses but one i did enjoy was when this artist named jacob sanders wrote a song about me. i was working this shitty job and was up at 5 am when i received it. it just talked about how i can accomplish whatever i want or something like that. i was really happy at work that day haha. it made feel really good and humbled that someone would do that for me. i think someone sent me a dick pic once. that was wild. another person responded to one of my stories with a story of their own about me that was thousands of words. that was wild as hell.

What was the writing process like for your recently released book? How did you decide on your publisher?

i don't think i would've written these poems if i hadn't gotten sick last winter. i had a lot of down time and just began writing a bunch of short poems/stories every day. i saved them in my drafts not thinking anything would come of them. i probably wrote hundreds of them. then one day, over the summer, i was eating a burrito somewhere and mitch anzuoni from inpatient press approached me and asked if i was writing anything he could publish. he saw me read at an event and guess he thought i was book publishing material. we talked for awhile and that's how this 'milk and henny' idea came to life. i didn't even have a finished work to present him and we already got to the point of discussing a second book. it was really weird and serendipitous. so i went back in my drafts, put together some things i liked, and presented them to mitch as a powerpoint presentation a couple of weeks later. i didn't even know if anyone would like the poems except me. it was all pretty random haha

What's your day-to-day life like? Will you answer this question?

my day to day depends on what day it is. either i'm at work, or recently, going to see some doctor. i've been feeling ill again but anytime i go to get checked out they tell me i'm 100% fine so maybe my illness isn't easily traceable or it's all in my head.

i write some days. other days i just read. i think i'm gonna meet a friend to get drinks in a couple of hours. life is pretty random these days. i'd like some stability. being alive is strange and hard as you know.

How do you find your online persona to be different than your real life personality? Is there any separation between these two or just different gradations and systems of perception that make the two seem separate?

at this point i think how i present myself online is similar to my real life personality. i went from thinking i'd just do this for a couple of months and then go to grad school to it becoming who i am completely. it probably sounds dumb, but creating this fake internet character brought me closer to myself. most likely, i would've gone to medical or pharmacy school if i hadn't began writing when i did. being in the sciences seems crazy to me now, even though the money would've been nice. this is a hard question to answer completely because i think we all show people certain aspects of ourselves and hide others. i don't feel any different than anyone else in terms of persona presentation although what i do might seem strange to some.

my family and a couple of my friends still don't know about whatever this is that i do. maybe i don't think it's important enough to tell them or maybe i just want to keep it to myself. probably the latter. there's some shit that you just need to have for yourself, ya know? especially when it comes to being creative. i think growing up i was steered away from the arts and told that i had to do something practical. but now that i'm a grown up i can be as impractical as i want to be

What are the best things you have read in the past year? Why?

a read a lot but i didn't read as much in 2017. trying to change that this year. i really liked this book by ralph ellison called living with music. it's a collection of his jazz writings but it's mostly about music in general. a lot of what he says applies to music of today and how people react to it. he's very good at criticism. i picked up rome poems by pasolini off my roommates bookshelf and enjoyed it. ed mullany gave me man and his symbols by carl jung. i'm enjoying it thus far because certain topics that he discusses interest me lately. it's strange how you can begin a book and it ties into what you're going through in your life. there's nothing like a good book to take you somewhere else for however long you're reading. it's like a instant mental vacation.

i read twitter daily. that's where i get most of my news. i want to read more richard wright this year. and octavia butler. i want to read a lot of the books i saw on your bookshelf. excited for your upcoming book. there's never enough time to read all these good ass books that exist.

#peterbd #inpatient press #octavia butler #richard wright #pasolini #carl jung #ed mullany #rome #ralph ellison #jazz #medical #pharmacy #andrew duncan worthington #daily dot #thought catalog

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hellomygf · 4 years

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when my own words aren’t enough

okay so you know that one direction song that’s made of other song titles, “Better Than Words”. same concept here except not really and you just listen to the lyrics of the songs LMAO. anyways sometimes the words of others can convey better what im trying to say to you so enjoy 19 songs that do so. i highlighted some of the lyrics that really made me think of you/us. click on links on then click on togepi

Love Like This - Ben Rector

“Never used to get excited to sit here in the silence Holdin' on to somethin' the way I'm holdin' you Didn't used to know how fast time walks and runs and flies by I never thought I'd feel so deeply, but damn, I do

i never knew i could feel so happy just doing the mundane things with you. walking and talking, going out for drives, sitting and eating food. time goes by so fast when im with you. i always wish time would slow down and let it stop for awhile just so i can have a couple moments of just us yeno? you make me want to spend more time with you even when we just finished spending a whole evening together. there’s so many new feelings that ive experienced since ive been with you and i cant wait to keep feeling new ones

All I’ve Ever Known - Eva Noblezada and Reeve Carney (Hadestown)

All I've ever known is how to hold my own But now I wanna hold you, too

for the past couple years i learned how to love myself again and how to be okay with being alone. alone doesnt mean im lonely but it did mean that i had built up my walls again and letting someone in new again was so scary. you made it seem okay though. you made sure that when i was opening up to you and being vulnerable that it was okay to do so. that i wouldnt be hurt and that i was safe. i learned how to love romantically again and learned what it feels like when you arms wrap around me and hold me. it’s currently my favourite feeling and i dont think i ever want it to end

roses & sunflowers - Timmy Albert

You're a flower that's blooming every season with spring I fell in love with your roots, the whole you, everything

i mentioned before that falling in love with you was like how the seasons changed. like you know it comes but it’s always different. this isnt my first time in love but it’s most definitely something very different. a good different. im in love with every part of you. from the way you make your puns to the way you buy me things that show you care (my favourite foods, my ddr adapter, and most recently itch cream) to the way you sing in the car to me to how you tell me about your good and bad days. i love it all!

Favourite Girl - Jesse Barrera and Tori Kelly

My baby, She still drives me crazy After all this time, You better believe that Nothings greater, She still makes me better After all this time You're still my Favorite Girl

BONUS: I remember when, You didn't know how to kiss (hehehhe) Now you know me well, And nothing compares to this

best girl. favourite girl! is maxbean hehe jkjk.. maybe. we both do some whack ass stuff but there’s no one else i would rather be having fun with than you! you make me better in every way. you encourage me to keep going even when days are rough. you support me on my good and bad days so im here to remind you too that im here for you always okie?

No Matter Where You Are - Us the Duo

I will stand by you Even when we fall I will be the rock, that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall

whatever the world throws at us, whether that be a pandemic or people who dont support us, im going to uplift you and us in every way that i can. i want to be a pillar of strength for you and show that even though am baby and that i am smol that i am a girlfriend that you can count on to show up by your side. i got your back from now till however long

Tattooed Heart - Ariana Grande

You don't need to worry about making me crazy 'Cause I'm way past that So just call me, if you want me 'Cause you got me, and I'll show you, how much I wanna be On your tattooed heart

honestly this is just one of my favourite love songs ever so i just wanted to add it into the playlist lmao

Lemonade - Jeremy Passion

She's so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes She's exactly what I need She's my smile when I'm feeling blue She's my good night sleep when my day is through yeah

i say this all the time but i love looking at you oh my god skjskjs like YOU. ARE. LITERALLY. MY. TYPE. lmaooOOSKSKJkj. other than physically being my type you really do embody everything that i need in a partner. kind, compassionate, genuine, good communicator and listener. you make sure that i dont fall asleep sad and you make sure that im okay on my not so good days. i love you so much

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran

A stranger's hand clutched in mine I'll take this chance, so call me blind I've been waiting all my life

i took a chance on someone i really didnt know anything about but my god i think it’s the best thing that ive done

Ger Here - Sam Smith

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

this reminds me of the time you bused through a snow storm just to study with me at utsc. also just in general whenever you make the effort to come all the way here to my house just to spend time with me and even then you end up driving us downtown or to different places too. you are truly the definition of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”

goodnight n go - Ariana Grande

Oh, why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Why must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well Just say goodnight and go

“why do you make it so hard to say good bye” something we both always say haha. one of these days we’ll have a night together and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up together too. one day! very excited for that day where we can say good night and stay

While We’re Young - Jhene Aiko

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

[...]

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

i tell everyone youre my girlfriend because haha im so happy to be dating you and telling everyone you make me so happy so yeno just a subtle flex. it’s also so scary fully giving myself to someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. to trust that you will safeguard my feelings and that you wont hurt me but i know youre scared of the same thing too, i guess even more so since im your first girlfriend. i promise i’ll protect your heart too. water it, nourish it, and let it grow into something even greater

Blessed - Daniel Caesar

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed to be stuck with you

ive told you since the beginning that i didnt want to bring you into this until i could fix and improve my mental health. i think that way of thinking was me associating my ability to love with how healthy i am. that’s not fair because i am capable of loving others even when im not at my 100% best. im so very grateful that you are there with me when im dealing with my mean/negative thoughts and that you can help ground me and be there to let me ride out my sad days.

Runnin’ Home to You (cover) - Jake Spencer

Can't say how the days will unfold Can't change what the future may hold But, I want you in it Every hour, every minute

i can see you in my future for a long time my love. i hope you can see the same as well

Please Keep Loving Me - James TW

For all the mistakes I'm making, I don't mean (I don't mean them, I don't mean them) For all the little things That I fail to see

please be patient because sometimes i wont be able to get things right the first time around. i tend to be a little slow when doing things and i come quite late to events. so even on days when i may be difficult to be around, please do your best to keep loving me and i’ll do my best to make it easier again.

Nothing - Bruno Major

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind losing to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

no need for an explanation.. -_- 3rd date. d&b. mario kart. fan... hhh but i mean guess this also applies just in general whenever we play games and i lose lmao. honestly though doing nothing with you is still so fun for me. from making puns in a grocery store, to watching movies on my couch, to watching the sunset together by the water. nothing is better than doing nothing with you :)

Teenage Dream (cover) - Boyce Avenue

Before you met me I was alright, but things Were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

i think this applies to both of us in a sense that we were (and still are) both dealing with some not fun stuff when we first met each other, but we have each other now to get through it together. at the time, it had already been a few months since my falling out with you-know-who and just a couple months since i had decided to get help for my mental health stuff. i remember feeling so touched when i first told you about everything because you had made the conscious effort to reassure me and soothe me by holding my hand and looking at me when i got anxious talking about it. that was the moment i knew that you would be someone special in my life and someone i wanted to keep for a long time as well. so im hoping that next year (and for the next foreseeable years) you can be my valentine haha

Only Us - Lauren Dreyfuss and Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen)

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go But if you really see me If you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

while i have grown up with some great and amazing people who have made me feel so loved. ive also grown up and have come across some not nice people as well. they made me feel like i wasn’t worth it or made me feel small and not wanted. it’s not a nice feeling being shut down when youre just trying your best to get to know others or when you talk about the things you like and people become uninterested. i guess you can say that’s what contributed to why i dont want to show my whole self yet to new people at first. im scared that i will scare them away and they wont like me. so when you, a total stranger at the time, wanted to get to know me more, genuinely enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend more time with me, i was like “wow someone new actually LIKES me for ME?”. you dont understand how much it means to me that you made the effort to get to really know me and to still make the effort now to make me feel comfortable so i can be my whole self around you. i cant thank you enough. you make me WANT to talk about what i like and share my joy with you. thank you for letting me be me.

Take on the World - You Me at Six

I can see, see the pain in your eyes Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through You should've known, I wish it was me, not you

i know there’s things you dont want to talk about and things you really cant talk about. knowing all the pain and hurt youve gone through has made you tough and strong but it sucks thinking of everything that youve had to face on your own. i wish i could take that pain away from you if i could. take it, ball it up, and throw it so far away that it never hurts you again. it is so very unfortunate that the saying goes “why do bad things happen to good people”. you dont deserve any of that. a good person like you deserves a life filled with unwavering support from those around you and days filled with boundless joy. i cant change the past or what other people think of you but what i can do is to do my best to make sure that even when you are hurt that you still feel loved and you still want to fight another day. you can do it, and i’ll be with you now for every new challenge that you face. your’re not alone

She Keeps Me Warm - Miranda Lambert

She says I smell like safety and home I named both of her eyes forever and please don't go

[...]

And I can't change, even if I tried Even if I wanted to My love, my love, my love, my love

those first two lines are just so very nice to listen to.

you and i both know that we cant change who we are and who we love. i think we’ve both had countless nights and thoughts of wanting to be straight so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of loving the same gender. i know this past month has been especially hard for you though. im here to remind you that there’s nothing you need to change about you my love. i love you just how you are. your family may not understand it yet but i hope they will. i hope they understand that you make others around you feel so welcomed and loved. that you are the most selfless person that a lot of us have met. that you stick up for those who are mistreated and that you care for them. i wish they could see just how deeply you love and i feel like ive only scratched the surface of what your love is and can be. i want them to see how much i love you too and how you have made me a better person in all aspects. my parents, my cousins, and friends have all said that they have seen me change and become a softer person. my cousins say that you compliment me in the best ways and sand down my rough edges. i hope one day soon that they see all the love that emanates from you and that they can support you at least even a little bit. i hope they can see that love is love is love and that they learn to love all aspects of you too.

#2020 #playlist

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fuckedupfairyy-blog · 6 years

Text

So yeah, here goes.

So here’s my story, as pathetic as it may be. This is my story.

I had a great childhood, my parents split when I was 10. I blamed myself, only now I’m older I’ve realized it’s not my fault and it was for the best. I was bullied throughout primary school, called a fatty, pushed down, followed and called names. He terrorized me. Then secondary school nothing changed, it just got worse. There were more bullies, they treated me worse. I would walk into class and the boys would laugh and shout “thunder thighs” and say my name in a stupid voices, throwing things.. It was basically hell. So I started looking for attention and compliments elsewhere.

When I was in year 8, aged 13 I signed myself up for adult dating sites. I got loads of compliments and it made me feel amazing. Then being the stupid nieeve girl I was I starting chatting to a guy from Bodmin and arranged to meet him for Pizza and TV. He picked me up from school and my whole life changed from there.

He was a police officer and took serious advantage of me. I still blame myself, because if I wasnt so stupid to get into the car he wouldn’t of been able to rape me or keep me hostage.

From then on I started self harming, every night. I couldn’t get to sleep without making myself bleed. It became a addiction, I then started to become obsessed over my weight. Hating every part of me, crying in front of the mirror because of the constant bullies and flashbacks. I was big, size 22. I was on Tumblr on my desktop in my room everyday, looking at depressing quotes and talking to other people in chat rooms with depression aswell. Then I stumbled across Thinspiration. It ruined me, constantly obsessing over the fact I was fat. So I stole 2 a4 text books from school and sat in the library and printed out hundreds of thinspo pics and motivational quotes. Not so positive, more like.. “Everytime you binge you’re another week away from your goal weight” and a picture of a fat girl and a picture of a anorexic girl saying “cake or water? your choice.” It became my life, calorie counting, not eating for days, challenging myself on how much exercise I can do in a day without collapsing. Basically destroying my body. But I didn’t care, because within a month I had lost 30lbs and I wasnt complaining. In fact I was so happy with myself that i couldn’t stop, from a simple diet I was obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about calories, goal weights and everything in between. I would spend lessons writing out meal plans and drawing tiny girls and my free time telling my abusive ex boyfriend about what I had and hadn’t ate. Then I’d stay up all night self harming and planning out the next day.

The worst part was the hallucinations, I would see ‘The Black Man’ I used to call him. A dark male figure with no face sat on my desk in the corner or the bed looking in my direction. I would try and scream and shout but nothing would come out so I ended up sitting there having a panic attack until my mum came in and he would disappear. This happened for 2 years every night, I would wake up with sleep paralysis nearly every night seeing the same man in the corner screaming not being able to move for about 20 minutes before the scream left my body and my mum came rushing in. It was hell.

I was working with CAMHS who are a children mental health service and they diagnosed me with PTSD, depression, anxiety, EDNOS, body dismorphia and borderline psychosis.

My ex boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. He would also encourage my weight loss, which I guess in a way is totally fair because I was obese. He would stop me hanging out with my friends because he wanted me to himself and kept feeding me drugs so I wouldn’t go anywhere. When I was in year 10 I was doing my photography exam and hadn’t eaten in nearly 9 days. My body basically had a meltdown and I was phsycially sick until I ate something. But as you can imagine after 9 days of just water there wasn’t much to come up so it was a painful and horrifying experience..

After that I didn’t want to stop, after loosing 14lbs in 9 days I was so happy that i carried on making meal plans and exercising all night.

I then got into pills and acid, acid didn’t effect me until the summer where i did the bad acid and after that my mood changed. I would do pills for 2/3 days in a tent with my ex and not sleep then go back to my mums and all hell would break loose. She would say something I didn’t like and i would switch, turn into the most nasty disgusting girl and daughter you can imagine. Screaming in my mums face, punching holes in the walls, kicking holes in the doors, smashing everything in my way until she called the police, i would be detained and then the same would happen the next day. It got so bad that the police told my mum to just call the mental health ward if I kicked off again and I would be sectioned. I ran away from home and lived in a broken car in a car park in Veryan for 2 weeks. To be honest it was great, apart from when I was up by the club in Veryan and saw this women and man. It was a dark night and there was a elderly women stood in the middle of the road. I walked over to her and asked if she was okay she didn’t respond. She was stood there bending down petting her dog then standing up again. But as if it was a video on loop. The dog was running up to me, jumping up at me. It was only a little white Jack Russell. Then i turned around to ask Ash what was going on and he was freaking out. Because he couldn’t see her. Now, i realise it was a hallucination but it still scared the fuck out of me. I could feel the dogs wet paws, see the lady and her blue coat. I turned and there was a man in a trench coat stood on the pavement moving his figure to ask to come over. So I did, and when I did. He disappeared and as I turned so did she. I was convinced it was a ghost but he couldn’t see or hear anything.

Now too this day if I walk down a dark road or anything similar alone i will see the dog running up and down the road.

My other hallucination is also one that has stuck with me throughout my life, The Monkey Man.

He’s a normal, medium sized man around 6ft 3 but he’s got a mask of a monkey stuck to his face and he follows me everywhere i walk alone in the dark. He will be walking just behind my left side and when i turn around and look at him he melts into the ground but when i look forward and then back again he does the same. So I just keep looking out the cornor of my eye to make sure he’s still there and to he honest now it feels like hes protecting me in some sort of way. He’s got my other voice, he’s my opposite but also just like me because he gives me advice on what I’m thinking. Don’t think im crazy, i haven’t seen him in around a year but to be honest, if I was walking alone I would see him and the dog again.

Things now are different, im hardly alone so have not much time to think properly so when i do think it effects the people around me which sucks. I’m a lot better now then I was, I dont get sleep paralysis, i don’t have a weight loss book, I’m eating more then 500 calories a day (which used to be my absolute max), i’ve got a good boyfriend and I dont have to walk places in the dark on my own anymore so I dont notice the hallucinations.

But im still not 100% because little things trigger me, like any mention about my weight at all or me eating anything triggers me and makes me want to fast and exercise. I am pretty sensitive at the moment and I shouldn’t be, but im working on it. I want to be the strong and powerful girl who is independent and gets shit done the first and right way! I will be the strong and powerful girl! I want to have kids one day and be the best mum in whole world, give them everything they need plus more love and care then any kid has ever had. But I also want to be the best wife in the world, I’m going to tone my body up and get fit, learn how to cook the best food ever, be the best and cleaning and be smart funny and good in the bedroom. So you cant say im not getting anywhere because the first step is acceptance which ive done and the next step is to create goals and ive done that. All i need to do now is put those goals into place and i will be flying. Ive got a amazing boyfriend who keeps me on track and makes me feel a little more beautiful every day so as long as we stick together I don't think I'll have any problems. Fuck my past, I am who i am.

Thanks for listening……

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taonsil · 7 years

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I cant imagine anyone would, but anyway please no reblog ! this is just all personal junk

aa so..I just wanted to ramble a bit about my 4am breakdown tag post some more. though it was a really bad night, I think reaching that point will in the long run have been a good thing n I'm just trying to figure it all out so I can learn from it the best I can. It was just several years worth of stuff finally reaching a peak. I got into exo around debut time, but pretty casually. it wasn't until wolf era that I decided to be 100% fulltime dedicated, and it came around because I'd been struggling so much with my gender ID and being ace. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts and basically tao turned up that one day with his leopard print shawl on and changed everything. everything seemed like it was going to be fine. he was so distant then, and he was just perfect and strong and wonderful and I got a leopard print phonecase and had my hair buzzed like his (and coincidentally I had a whole summer of amazing ace discussions with a friend due to tao ships, so that helped with that a lot). I was so so excited and motivated every single day, buying new clothes and new products because tao had made me confident in choosing a path

in 2013 my long-term plan was to use all of this happiness to transition, to get started in the career I wanted, to reach out and help other queer kids, to study hard, to get the therapy/treatment I needed for my anxiety/agoraphobia and then who knows !! maybe move out, travel to see my friends. I was doing a lot of art that involved customising and selling and hoped to go places with that. 2014 was the best year of my whole life

tao leaving, really it just coincided with work getting worse (n also with that meaning we couldn’t travel any more to see our friends or have breaks away at all). I'm always vague on the details of this but it involves being very close to someone who's mentally and emotionally abused me and another family member into therapy before, but..needs must and all. I can’t be out around them at all. it's always been hard and it just happened to start getting a lot worse at the same time. losing sutao was so hard for me, I'd never had a relationship like theirs in my life and it made me happy every single day. I really went out of my mind waiting for news on whether he was coming back (at the time we didn't even know if he'd continue to work at all :s). when he did..it was a loss and a gain, because seeing him in a new light was strange. he went from my hero to someone I wanted to protect and defend. he's genderfluid and nd and aro and instead of looking up to him as an inspiration he just felt close and I could see so many of my bad traits in him but they were good on him, and I got so stressed and anxious every single time he dug himself into deeper holes or I thought the traits I perceived in him were going to be disproved. the two years since he left I was pretty unwell, I lost a lot of time, I wanted to die again because everything was so bad and he was all I had and it was too overwhelming at times. I never wanted to talk about it because I didn't want to be That Crazy Fan, or for my ideas to be dismissed bc of it, or for it to reflect badly on him either. some of the arguments that started cropping up in fandom brought up long buried trauma and made me analyse it way more than I'd ever wanted to. I just gave up on myself. I don't remember a lot of it. breaking away from it at the start of this year was really, really hard, but once I had it was like I'd just woken up after two years and realised I'd done nothing towards the plans I'd made when I was 23

-not to mention that I had no idea I was autistic(+ whatever else. I cant even make one appointment to look into the other possibilities bc of work lmao) until last year. I've always been diagnosed with anxiety, told to grow up, told I'm special and sweet, promised that one day with the right help I'd be fine. college was really bad and I isolated myself after it ended, and then I had to start working with family anyway, so for years it just worked out ok that I only ever went places with family and that they'd speak for me. and again, the two years lost to wherever I was with tao I just didn't think about it, until I was told it's this. and that this is just how I am, and that I'll always mentally be 12 at worst 16 at best and unable to go a day by myself without An Adult helping me out, and I'll probably never be able to like something in moderation and I'll probably never even be able to order a drink for myself let alone try and start helping charities or being involved in communities how I'd wanted

all of this + the endless problems with work, being put down every day and given all these ridiculous thankless extra hours/days, coming out of that weird tao brain fog..I realised I wasted most of my 20s without achieving any of the things I'd set out to, and with obstacles that meant I probably never would, and it made me feel really pointless. at the start of the year I'd made a lot of creative plans, but the stress of everything just knocked it all out of me. I felt bitter and upset towards all of the subjects that motivated me to be creative, and through my writing and art I’ve always tried to help and cheer up other people, but I couldn’t even enjoy it myself. I've had writers block for so long, I hate it. last week was a weird mix of receiving a lot of lovely messages about being helpful and nice etc and feeling guilty over not being uplifted by it, extra days/hours with no thanks, being hit and called stupid..I just felt like everything was over. I'd lost everything that made me feel good about being myself, I had no outlets, I'd failed at all of the goals I'd set myself. I miss tao so much but worry I'll end up in a bad way again if I go back to him full time. I keep thinking over all the ridiculous things I said in college just because I’m me and realising why no one liked me and feeling bitter over again that no one diagnosed me sooner. and trying to continue on like this knowing it's not in my power to improve most of it made me feel how I did last night, like it was just the end. but;; I think getting all of that pain and upset out and realising it was because of a lot of things, not just a bad week/month really helped.

dndhj I dont rly feel refreshed yet I just feel like a slug from crying so much. but I did see a lot of sense in the articles I was reading about what to do after having a moment like that n rebuilding things and setting new goals seems good. worrying less about my follow count and if people will think badly of me and just posting silly happy meta feels like a good way to reconnect with the things I closed off from. there's nothing I can do about work and how that is, but liking myself more again will probably help me care less OK. ok. OTL

#this is..a whole novel of garbage #anyway this is all personal so please feel free to ignore🙏#typing it all up felt good tho;; I guess it cleared my head a bit #mh placeholder tag #tw: suicide mention

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