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hellbentrapture · 2 years

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How Truly Unkind

CW/TW: depression, anxiety, mental illness, disability, cultural ableism, antagonism, hate, cruelty, hellworld, capitalist hellscape.

You know, I thought I wasn’t bothered by that one reblog on my “if my existence is an example of anything” post, but it turns out I was wrong.

“Go fuck yourself. Stay miserable if you want, but don't drag others down with you, asshole.”

I wrote a post, begging and pleading to anyone who would listen to please, pleasepleaseplease, not sell yourself to and for capitalism. I wrote it because I am a disabled queer whose government is killing me and my friends, and I am watching other governments do it too.

I am trying to access any and every resource I can, but because I am a student and have student loans (that do not pay my bills), I am almost wholly denied these resources. Because I received CRB/CERB until the beginning of 2021, I am almost wholly denied these resources. I am expected to be pretty much homeless or overtly dying before I am allowed to be helped.

My disabilities are partially caused by me selling myself to and for capitalism. My message was to tell anyone who would listen that it is not worth it.

And if you don’t believe for a single second that eugenics of disabled folks is still an active ongoing thing as a part of capitalism, then I prey for such ignorant bliss. To not know how ugly and cruel these systems and structures are. How you are useful until you are not.

Of course I am fucking miserable. If you met me, however, you would not know. I laugh, I sing, I share things, and socialize with the small parts I can. But I am in agony. And I don’t show it to anyone. Because I can’t. One, my C-PTSD causes me some serious lack of affect. But two: because I am ashamed, embarrassed, and ultimately told to “go fuck myself” when I do share my agony.

How ugly of you, to tell someone who is vulnerable, and is finally being so openly, to go fuck themselves. How truly unkind.

And now, with each hit I take, I hear these words. I try to make a request for mutual aide on Facebook and instead get Facebook jail for a month. “Go fuck yourself.” I dropped down from full time classes to part time classes this term because of my health, and student loans transforms any and all grants to immediate debt. “Go fuck yourself.” I got student loans this term because it is the only way to pay my rent (which, as it turns out, does not actually), so now I don’t qualify for any other income supports. “Go fuck yourself.” My government has lifted all COVID precautions - people who test positive don’t need to isolate, and there are zero mask mandates. “Go fuck yourself.”

And that was the point of my message: that where I should receive care and compassion, instead I am told to go fuck myself. Whether this is my government, big corporations, academia, or support spaces on social media, the disabled are being told to go fuck ourselves.

But yes, sure, I am choosing to stay miserable. These kinds of things don’t happen anywhere except Alberta (you know, the leader in Canada for eugenics) - nevermind literally the whole of Canada, the US, or Europe. Oh no. Nono. Cultural, systemic, systematic, structural ableism is something that only happens sometimes AND I am choosing to be miserable about it.

Go fuck yourself.

-- Sincerely: a disabled trans masculine non-binary person who has and is honors roll and is a 3.5-4.0 gpa student; never got benefits in my life but worked full time hours; and whose body and mind is literally debilitated by the time I sold to capitalism (ie. “pulling myself up by my bootstraps”). All literally for nothing.

#vent post #vent #personal #depression #anxiety #mental illness #disability #disabled #queer #fuck capitalism #capitalist hellscape #hellworld #covid #pandemic

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agusvedder · 3 years

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I DON’T CARE if this doesn’t get any notes. I need to vent.

My name is Agustina, I’m 27 years old. I’m a nonbinary, queer, latinx person, parent of a 4 year old, non-verbal authistic child. I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I’m 9 thousand kilometers away from the woman I love.

I’m not a victim. I am a minority. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I started watching Supernatural in 2015, you know, being a stay-at-home parent, who dropped her career and her job to live the first years of their child, there wasn’t much I could do in my free time but to watch a show. I caught a few episodes of season 11 on tv and then I decided to start from zero. I always acknowledged how problematic it was in terms of representation, but always saw small threads of light filtering in the message it sent, recognizing how its writers were trying to shed a little light, creating a jenga tower of storylines and new characters, only to be thrown away by poor, useless deaths and the erasure of said characters.

Since my first run on season 1 I related to Dean. I saw myself on him. (I will never be as brave and cool as him tho, never ever, but his personality traits, some of his family issues, his self worth issues, his loneliness, his unaddressed childhood trauma, his growth in a circle of violence, his reticence to address his feelings until he explodes?... Yeah. There are days where my girlfriend makes fun of me saying “Ok Dean”). I kept looking up to Dean in his geekiness, in his way he always put his life on the line to protect the people he loves and put them always first… even in the supernatural side of the storyline, he still was profoundly human and abnegated to the people in his life. Also because I’m deeply in love with Castiel but that’s another subject. Thanks to this show, I’ve found people in my own country who now I recognize as my family beyond SPN, who helped me accept myself the way I am, who are always there for me. My found family, my chosen family. Because family don’t end in blood, because family cares about you, not only for what you can do for them, because that’s what all of us have in common, and why this show resonated as strongly as it did for us. That’s why we found each other and ourselves in the process, in a circle of love, support, non-judgement and willingness to find a family in ourselves when our own blood relatives ignored us, abused us, refused to recognize us. We’ve found love and family. I’ve found the woman with whom I wanna spend the rest of my life with because of this show.

That’s the power of this story. I know my small circle is not the only one who lived this, who continues to live it.

I can talk about this forever, but there’s something I wanna talk about specifically here. When the ending aired.. what I felt was… like a bucket of cold water was thrown over my head. You know when your parents come home, or call you and give you the devastating news that someone you love died? that exact feeling. The adrenaline, the heartbreak, the feeling of loss.

The whole season 15 and 15 years of storyline were completely overturned. The misogyny the writers tried so hard to erase, it was there again, in a faceless woman who was supposed to represent the person a lead chose to spend the rest of his life with, reduced to a lilac dress, a blurry face and a uterus. We never seen acknowledged the existence of Eileen Leahy, Sam Winchester’s romantic interest since season 11, his perfect partner whose disability wasn’t an obstacle for her to be a badass hunter. (BUT COVID!! <- No. Eileen Leahy appeared in two episodes this season without Shoshannah being on set: Last Holiday and Despair. If they wanted to include her, they would have. They didn’t because they don’t give a FUCK). Sam Winchester is an academic, a witch, a leader, a powerful hunter, a kind human being, and the ending that was given to him was living an unfulfilled life, dying at a ridiculous young age, having a son only to replace his dead brother? It was sad. Sammy deserved better. He always did.

My beloved Dean Winchester, who I love so deeply, who taught me a lot about myself, about life, love, family, about *ejem* VICIOUS CIRCLES and the power of breaking free from them, of learning to embrace one’s self, our real tastes, our real identity, to come out of a shadow of being reduced to someone’s caretaker instead of having an identity of our own, to spend life loving family the healthy amount.. well, he was killed in a ridiculous way, on a milk run of a hunt. After being eager and ready to kill himself so many times. After all he’s been through, after saying he’s good with who he is, after considering retirement, after standing up to his dad, saying he already has a family, ready to cut the “I’m Okay” bullshit, address his feelings, his trauma, don’t letting those define him. He deserved better. He always wanted a family, he always wanted to break free from the version of himself he was created to be, “daddy’s blunt little instrument” (For fuck’s sake, he even said it in the same show 10’ before dying, man. If we don’t keep living, the sacrifice the people who died for us did, was for nothing). Are you telling me this man really would refuse his brother to call an ambulance? Refused his brother to get the first aid kit even knowing it was more serious than his brother thought? He was ready to live. He CHOSE life, and at the end his choice was stripped away from him. He clearly was a bisexual man and they never explored it.

Cas. The misfit. The fish outside of the water. Ambiguous gender and sexuality. Finally makes a homosexual declaration of love after all he’s been through. After being brainwashed, used, suicidal, isolated. After telling Sam and Dean he loved them more than once, that they meant everything for him. After confessing he’s been in love with Dean since he pulled him out of hell…. Was erased from the story. Erased, literally. Two emotionless mentions aren’t enough for a 12 year old family member who pulled both brothers out of hell, who died for them more than once, who until 2 seasons ago he didn’t even feel like he belonged there ‘cause he was never told he was loved. No one ever told him “I love you” back. Not Jack, not Sam, not Dean, not Mary. No one. Ever. And still, he died for love. And with his death, he was erased from the finale, being that the first finale Castiel wasn’t in since his appearance on the show. He deserved better.

All roads lead to Rome and you know what we got at the end of that road? a bottomless pit of NOTHING. The building up towards a different end isn’t just in s15. It’s been there for years and years. And if you watch the show, you see it at plain sight.

Sam Winchester hurried to die to reunite with his brother in heaven EVEN WHEN HE SPENT 30 MORE YEARS WITH A WIFE AND A KID he only wanted to die to go back to his brother? it’s insane, it’s ridiculous. That’s not what the show has been about for seasons now. SEASONS. The road was paved towards a healthy brotherly bond, each brother living their future the way they wanted, finally breaking free from the curse John dropped on Dean that Sam’s destiny was in his hands. No no. What was that? Did it ever happen? Was it a fever dream? They really destroyed everything in 38 minutes of the finale?

Stupid.

Representation is important, stories are important. They change lives. You know how it changed mine? After I saw Jonathan Van Ness coming out as non-binary, I started to realize how I never called myself "a woman, a girl" or anything like that, how my "female presenting" aesthetic changes drastically depending on how I feel when I wake up how I always called myself a "person", no gender involved. I realized I was a non-binary person even after becoming a parent. Thanks to Jonathan Van Ness. Thanks to seeing a person like her being unapologetically herself.

Representation matters.

It matters.

It helped my mom understand me when I was 13 and had a girlfriend. It helped my dad educate himself about trans identities. It helped my sister understand about her demisexuality. It helps break circles of ignorance and stereotypes. It helps people process what these characters wanna tell, and realize they're human beings above it all. We suffer, we laugh, we grieve. We love. We exist.

Supernatural missed a chance to be a historical show in terms of representation. And it breaks my heart. I cant believe they decided to erase Dean's sexuality, to erase Castiel after saying loud and proud he's in love with a man, to erase Eileen whose disability only was a disadvantage when they KILLED HER in the most ableistic way in s11, to never show Charlie and her girlfriend again, that they decided to make God bisexual AND a villain, thay they decided to turn the only regular non-binary character of color into the villain too (Billie).

I'm still grieving.

This is why "a stupid show" is so important for me, and for lot of people like me. Cause representation can change lives. Stories can change lives. It certainly changed mine, and I'm not the only one.

Don't let anyone tell you you're just a butthurt fan because you're suffering this ending. Every one of us have a story and this is mine. All of us are valid, our feelings are valid. And we'll get through this eventually

#SPN ending #personal experience #castiel #dean winchester #supernatural #sam winchester #Long post #sorry

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iol247 · 3 years

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Opinionista • Ismail Lagardien • 15 March 2021

Fifteen years along the road to nowhere, and the worst is yet to come

We are at a point, now, where instead of pointing to the perversity of misguided distribution, corruption, theft, maladministration, tenderpreneurs, and State Capture, discussions are deflected – and the spectrum of opinion has been narrowed.

In 2015, Justice Malala published his book We Have Now Begun Our Descent. Without having read the book I sat down to consider South Africa’s future, and concluded that there was little to no hope for the country. I was in Bonn, Germany, at the time, after four or more years in the secretariat of the National Planning Commission. Although the Covid-19 pandemic has had a dreadful impact on South Africa’s political economy and society – as it has on almost every country in the world – the country’s problems took a turn for the worse at Nasrec at the end of 2017, and Malala’s “descent” gained momentum.

I want to break with orthodoxy, and say that it is the politics, not “the economy,” as the old canard goes. Homo economicus might believe that the economy is everything, and everything is the economy, but “the economy” is those millions of transactions that humans make every minute of every day, and the personal and public political decisions that enable or disable those people (from making those transactions).

A collapse that preceded democracy

Before I continue, I want to share a passage I wrote between 1991 and 1993, when I was the southern African correspondent for the New Straits Times of Malaysia. I don’t have the exact date of publication, because the person who decided to make a “portfolio” of my work neatly trimmed my reports and columns but failed to include the date. I was going to save it for my memoir, but here it is – written at a time when the apartheid government was losing its grip on power and state institutions in the early 1990s:

“It is as if a villainous character had every day, over the years, gone to the Union Buildings, the seat of government in the capital, Pretoria, and methodologically and systematically undone every single screw, bolt, nut and nail of government. Every day, now, for months on end, a section of government in South Africa is coming apart. It is difficult, now, after a spate of scandalous exposes in recent months to say exactly when the disintegration first started, or when the first door, window or desk in the Union Buildings collapsed. What has become evident, however, is that the state is collapsing bit by bit, in slow motion, while its powers of rehabilitation [are] dissipating with its political might.”

It has been reported, over and again, that the democratic government inherited a state that was on its knees. As the Afrikaner historian Herman Giliomee wrote, a decade ago, March 1985 marked, “the day apartheid started dying”.

Wrote Giliomee: “Pik Botha recalls: ‘I will never forget the night of July 31 when [Minister of Finance] Barend du Plessis phoned me… [He said]: ‘Pik, I must tell you that the country is facing inevitable bankruptcy … The process has started.’”

We had growth, and increased social spending, but the thieves saw opportunities

The first democratic government of South Africa, led by Nelson Mandela, was fully aware of the terrible state of the economy. They managed, within a decade or more, to provide utilities and access to public goods and services (including social grants) to millions of people across the country (all necessary for a stable, progressive social democracy), while managing the country’s finances, avoiding profligacy – and through it all, produced growth and a Budget surplus.

This demonstrated that you can reduce poverty, provide social services, deliver public goods and services, as well as manage the country’s finances. The problem that emerged, after the first 12-15 years was not lack of growth, or a contraction of the economy, it was about distribution – much of the growth did, indeed go to social spending, but a lot more began to go into the wrong pockets. Corruption, maladministration, cronyism, nepotism and prebendalism took root – what good was the ANC-led state, if it did not line the pockets of its leaders, and members who were deployed to state agencies, and boards across the country?

Fast-forward to a few years later, and we are at a point, now, where instead of pointing to the perversity of misguided distribution, corruption, theft, maladministration, tenderpreneurs, and State Capture, discussions are deflected – and the spectrum of opinion has been narrowed. Somewhat simultaneously rose the politics of identity (the ugly version), and instead of policies focusing on social problems, they focused on contortions of language, the politics of revenge, populism, scapegoating, and the speeches and statements of leaders were increasingly laced with words like “bloodshed,” and all the while xenophobia, aimed mainly at Africans and Asians, has spread.

A careful read of Carl Niehaus’s eight-page submission on likely policies of the ruling alliance, suggests we are expected to choose between Radical Economic Transformation by policy (ANC), or Radical Economic Transformation by force (EFF). At what point do the ANC’s radical forces join the EFF? Impossible, but not improbable.

Are we there yet?

Let’s take stock, briefly, of where we are. We know that “the economy” is in the pits. But what makes an economy stable, expansive, progressive and able to secure social justice? Don’t ask an economist. To them it’s all cost-benefits, assumptions, laws and models which they mistake for truth. And anyway, people who are so sure of their own predictive powers belong on the beachfront with fortune tellers. What makes an economy work is everything else: the people, the institutions, the policies, ethics, food, water, shelter, clothing and, well, energy. If we start just with energy, consider the fact that we may have load shedding for at least the next five years.

This week, Eskom’s Chief Executive Officer, André de Ruyter, confirmed that “there will be a shortfall in supply of electricity of approximately 4,000 megawatts over the next five years as announced by President Cyril Ramaphosa. We welcome further interventions announced by the president, which will include a further request for proposals for a further 2,600 megawatts from wind and solar energy.”

Using non-economic rationalist orthodoxy, us ordinary citizens know, intuitively, that you cannot run a shop, a workshop or any heavy industry without a stable source of electricity. We also know that you cannot get to work without commuter trains running. We also know that we place our lives in danger with every taxi ride. While us mere mortals don’t travel abroad much, if at all, we know that planes belong in the air; that the public broadcaster is meant to serve as, well, a public broadcaster; the police are meant to serve and protect; our military personnel should be able to march in straight lines, and its hardware has to be up to date (you can’t have stockpiles of ammunition that is outdated); along with the police and military, the state security system ought to make us sleep better at night, and criminals need to be prosecuted – even if they are among the highest office-bearers in the ruling alliance.

A woman walking to work is not safe. A family sitting at home watching TV is not safe. A farmer working his or her fields is not safe. The driver stopping at a red light is not safe. Do we really expect someone to invest in an existing or new industry or fund innovation if a faction of the ruling party calls for “the mass nationalisation of industries including mines, insurance companies, steel and chemical companies”? The future of work is changing, but our major union leaders, supported by barbarous professors, want our workers to stay in the bondage of assembly lines – instead of retraining them for new, more innovative means of production.

All of these represent the life world of everyday people in South Africa. Every time anyone buys a loaf of bread or a bag of oranges they comprise “the economy”. Speaking of oranges, you can return the land to “its rightful owners” and (with the help of the former white owner) farm citrus products, but if individual oranges have a fungal disease you may not be able to export your produce. That’s not a racist conspiracy. (I use this one example because I have some insights into a related domestic issues case, and about the way the World Trade Organisation works.)

This can go on and on if we can’t guarantee: the safety of investments; a reliable stream of energy; community and personal safety; trains that run; a reliable justice system – with judges who are unimpeachable; a postal service that is functional; public servants who do the jobs they’re paid to do; teachers who teach; nurses who are paid well, and don’t sign in for one another when they want to escape parts of night duty; and if we don’t play our part, as active citizens.

The government can build schools, but parents must make sure their children attend school, and show an interest in the child’s education. The government can provide trash cans, but people must use them. Visit downtown Johannesburg and you may get a sense of how filth has built up – it’s not quite at the levels of Naples, but give it time. While we hold the state and political parties to a high standard, we need to, also, report on citizens who refuse to pay or steal electricity and water, then cry foul if they are brought to book. That, is largely, the result of ANC promises. With another election in a couple of years, do we really think the ANC, or any political party is going to tell people to pay their electricity bills or get cut off? And so, it’s not “the economy” it’s everything we do, and say, every day, that makes the economy work.

We may have started our descent, as Malala, wrote almost six years ago; my loss of hope has deepened – helped along by #statecapture revelations. But let me turn to the observations I made in the early 1990s, with regards to the National Party:

“What has become evident, however, is that the state is collapsing bit by bit, in slow motion, while its powers of rehabilitation [are] dissipating with its political might.”

https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/opinionista/2021-03-15-fifteen-years-along-the-road-to-nowhere-and-the-worst-is-yet-to-come/

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dwestfieldblog · 3 years

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Q ONAN IN THE AEON OF HORUS

Insanity is contagious in the Aeon of Horus. Hope you all had a happy and healthy Sirius day on 23rd... I wasn’t going to write another screed until late September but I might well be trapped on the festering cesspool prison island of guinea pigs in three weeks time where the oven ready Boris variant runs wild, and will have very limited access, if any, to the matrix. And I needed to rant off as catharsis on current popular topics. Arf arf arf and fnord as well.

Climate report Doom...fires, floods, earthquakes, hurricanes on the rise, watch the Texans and Arabs and all those aligned with oil continue to deny global warming in the sweating face of the evidence. The tyranny of the driller killers has been disabling those with clean solar power ideas and the mass use of limitless superconductive energy for decades, while they work out how ‘to put a metre between us and the sun’. Blame greed. Perhaps they think Bezos will have enough rockets for them to plunder other worlds and leave the future desert of earth behind. Climate change deniers usually have the same mind set as those who are anti vaxxers, it seems to be a typical item on their lists of dislike. Right alongside all the other bollocks and twaddle they don’t believe in, despite the enduring and building testimonies of the majority of professionals.

‘To prevent yourselves doing and seeing and coming into contact with this, that and the other...lock yourselves up in a monastery where you’ll be safe. Immunity...it teaches us how not to be affected by the countless vicissitudes of life; not how to avoid them by running away...The philosopher adapts himself to the exigencies of life, not the exigencies of life to himself.’ The Initiate in the New World by his pupil. Book two of a fascinating trilogy. Hello Cecil Jones.

America...the gurning evil one (‘I love the poorly educated’) doesn’t seem to be back in the White House quite yet, Q Onan and the boys can’t seem to get their insurrection up. Been there eh? White guys just take the blue tablet and avoid getting redpilled. ‘We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men evolved differently, that they are born with certain mutable characteristics, and that among these are life and the pursuit of pleasure.’ Yuval Noah Harari-Sapiens.

However, the Onan boys have exported their rabid drivel abroad...A shameful group of wannabe prophets in London a couple of weeks ago were spewing dire craziness and waves of silliness dearly wishing to become important and individualised particles by being observed and applauded. One of their brilliant ideas is that the Great Reset, New World Order of children’s adrenochrome drinking liberal reptiles will be a QUOTE’ An authoritarian socialist government run by powerful capitalists.’ UNQUOTE. Howls of derisive laughter turning into the growl of a wolf with a curled top lip and my left eye twitching for a blackout minute. When sentience returned, I was fairly sure there is no way in this lifetime of me attaining Satori while consumed by this spite. Fear and self loathing in England part 23. To attempt to counter...

Putting the con into conspiracy theories... 1. IF the vaccine is; (A. A poison to cull the overpopulated millions, that would mean that every single decent doctor and nurse in the world is in on it and not one of them is spilling the beans. Neither scenario seems plausible in any way, therefore the first premise appears to be excrement. If Covid doesn’t exist and the x rays are ALL faked (showing the difference between pneumonia, cancer and covid lungs, that also aggressively suggests a high level of implausibility. If you truly believe medical professionals are mostly freemasons and/or serving the Illuminati in the name of genocide etc, you are just a MORON. A DUNGHEADED IDIOT.

As God tweeted last month; It’s always the really dumb who make life hard for the moderately dumb.’

Drug companies and politicians have always been deeply corrupt, some would say with great justification, evil. Their foul business is as usual. But every nurse working a 16 hour shift in intensive care, do you honestly think they are doing it for the kicks to kill, for the (ha) money or to serve the Devil? Again, if Covid IS real but only the plebs are getting the bad vaccine and the here today gone tomorrow (unless they are Putin types) omnipotent holy world leaders are getting the good stuff...again this would be mighty hard to cover up. And it isn’t only the old, obese and those with ‘underlying health problems’ who are dying, teens and workers are too. No government wants to wreck its economy (apart from Brexit England) by murdering its workers, students and quarantining hundreds of thousands.

If the vaccine is a shot of death and the toll rises twice higher than it already is, governments will know that nobody will believe them the next time round when a new virus mutates...which is not good for mass control. (That said, I feel a deep grim certitude that step by blatant step, totalitarianism is coming to democracies as they realise the only way to dominate the drone masses is to do as China and Russia do.) But ‘why am I drifting into negativity’ eh?

And IF folk think the vaccine is a brain control agent by which we can be spied upon and controlled by our puppet masters via the ubiquitous spooky G5 masts, then the science of how the jab’s ingredients work (And could not possibly be activated with sound waves) should be explained in primary schools so the kids can go home and teach their elders with crayon. At the same time, the anti maskers need to watch videos (with their eyes held open (a la Clockwork Orange) of droplets in breath, the distance they travel without protection, the length of time they hang in the air and in what concentration. Humans react well to moving pictures, it might help. Yes that is dripping with rancid sarcasm. And as for those ranting that wearing masks causes illness, tell that to all the healthcare professionals of the last 100plus years who wore masks most of every bloody day, not just a couple of years. Did they all die of lung problems? I don’t have the actual statistics and I am damn sure you don’t either, so shut up and sit down. As Bill Hicks would say...

‘YOU SEE, IT MAKES NO SENSE’.

Beautiful to see so many holy men in the main religions, priests, rabbis, imans and pujari telling their flock to refuse the vaccine because it will (deep choking breath) make them impotent, gay and/or that it has cows blood and human foetuses in it. For the 23rd time, your shepherds will lead you to butchers again. Very spiritual blokes. Are any women as full of manure as this? Well actually...

One talking blonde cow on the London stage mooed about the vaccine being created by Bill ‘I think it makes sense to believe in God’ Gates, with the patent 060606, so was clearly ‘satanic’. Brilliant detective work and a rational conclusion. Except Bill didn’t formulate the vaccine and the patent was for an entirely different shot with an ACTUAL micro chip to measure if work had been completed and pay wages with Bitcoin. (Which, granted is creepy as fk, but nothing to do with Beelzebub or covid, unless you are going to bang on about none being able to buy or sell without the mark of the beast. So the antichrist is a protestant eh? I saw a video last year of an American ‘Christian’ woman blogger saying Bill was the devil, because of ‘the GATES of hell.’ That’s what we are up against and sidestepping the fk away from.

Those not vaccinated are walking time bomb laboratories of new variants. Making their own beliefs real as they will be able to say ‘See, told you the vaccine doesn’t work’. Listen to the doctors and nurses begging you.

Once yet again with even more feeling...These demonstrations of hogwash moonshine bullshit theories, mixed in with a fine blend of ahem, ‘patriotism’ are ripping the country apart. On one side the increasingly corrupt English government and their lies and on the other, the deranged and deluded with their falsehoods. An empty vessel makes the most noise and both sides are ripening the fields for populism.

Using the enemy’s own strength against them, well known to Judo black belt KGB pretty boy Putin...widening and deepening internal divisions in democracies, using the basic mistrust of half the people against their governments and encouraging it...works like a charm in times of stress/ fear/ anger. Just let them do most of the work and their own momentum will destroy them...at very least weaken them for the kill. Britain, America, Europe et al, you are being suckered and you bloody well deserve it for being so thick.

(Sidebar...By the way...Congratulations on 100 glorious years of Chinese communism and now all in the Middle Kingdom are being told, taught, trained, ORDERED to think just like Winnie the Pooh. Perfect unspoiled socialist paradise where millions wonder (as they do in most other places) ‘will there be any hunny for me?’ Unlikely...Communism doesn’t really work that way... another self righteous scam by those who seek power and to maintain their privilege. So the stick makes you keep plodding on for the promised carrot until all you believe in is the stick because it hurts and pain is real. (To greatly paraphrase Sir Terry Prachett, may he remain creative wherever he is.) )

Or...The Bilderbergers met a couple of years ago, discussed overpopulation and a threefold plan of how to deal with it...Release an airborne virus in several countries; allow it to spread for a year, Allow fear to rise. Use algorithms to predict the percentage of the obedient and those who will suspect conspiracy. When the vaccine is ‘found’ it will calm the believers for a while and enflame the rebels all the more who will look for ways to make it fit their own schemes of disbelief. This will cause a degree of expected demonstrations and rebellion...which will have the effect of enabling governments to create and quickly pass new laws on freedoms, including peaceful demonstration, to ‘protect’ the law abiding masses that need to believe all is for their own good.

The B boys talked about phased genocide, vaccines, drugs, supplies of medical equipment, government tenders to similar friends, knowing they will survive, and be well positioned to financially ride out the deaths and bankruptcies of lesser protected groups. Who they will then be able to buy out with ease and thus expand. The goldrush thrill of disaster capitalism! When all of this is (temporarily?) over, food and energy resources will be a little less stretched and/or stricter controlling laws will be in place and democracies will be far easier to control . A sadistic lack of empathy from the richest sociopaths.

There doesn’t need to be anything weird in the vaccines now, people’s minds are doing the paranoid job in their imagination, either with fear or with anger. The rich will remain rich empowering themselves with their inhuman business as usual. Populists will appear to take the side of the people as long as they are rewarded with money and power...and are allowed to join the club. All ethics and morals sacrificed for the temporary glory of pretend immortality.

This was written very quickly over a period of a couple of nights but at least it is a page shorter than usual eh? J I have to concentrate on booking tests (150 pounds in England for a PCR test is RIP OFF. Bastards. The outrageous weight of my suitcase with all my cds and books plus some pants and socks, the forlorn hope of getting a free seat or at least cheap for one of my guitars. The fear I might not be allowed back in to where I am now because the UK still seems to be Boris covid red. And Brexit and being a tourist again. Love the way the brexiteers are pissed off they will have to pay a few Euros to enter Europe as a third country citizen. The Tories voted yes to this idea in 2016 and you voted to become a third country you idiots. So now, you get to stand for a looong time in a longer queue with all the brown people you so disparage. In your nostalgic pride for something which will never be again, you have relegated England to the status of a failed state and voted for the worst government in my lifetime. You should be ashamed but you will just double down. Disgusting.

Anyway, late summer ‘holidays’ ahoy. Stay sane and in rude health...hope to see you again, spreading my cosmic rays of great happiness, comfort and joy. Outside of the insanity, keep visualising...Female male left right brain...Yin and yang let’s do our thang...

Y=01=FIRE...WANDS...ADENINE

H=00=WATER...CUPS...THYMINE

V=11=AIR...SWORDS...CYSTOSINE

H=10=EARTH...DISCS...GUANINE

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threenorth · 3 years

Text

TW: just avoid it.

Please just do one of the those flick scrolls.

"the darkside"

I remember being 4 they selected for greatness i remember putting shaving cream on mirrors and all the figure eights and swivel boards.

I remember all these tests they wanted answers for and i didn't understand what they we're asking me.

I remember the smell of the white bleached white lab coats.

I remember told me i was different i remember they said life's going to be hard whatever that was supposed to mean I'm not even able to understand what your saying.

There was some underlying issues but they couldn't fully determine all of them but that was the start of my mental/medical journey.

I knew something wasnt right but I wasn't sure what because i only could feel like i was lip reading them, i later found i had an audio sensory issue.

It started so early i wish i had time to prepare to meet them unfortunately life didn't want me to have that and i was about to loose myself.

I was just a a mear boy just only 2 feet tall hadn't fully understood understood my feelings and I was I was criticised and ridiculed I was bullied my life was made a living hell, couldn't run as fast like the other kids so they broke my legs i couldn't write my b's and d's so they broke my arms i couldn't think clearly and understand what was being said from the teacher when i herd everything in the room from every whisper to the toilet being flushed with my head reminded of the time it was in the bowl so they broke my mind they laughed and kicked me to the ground, they punched my face they pulled my pants down they robbed me of my childhood.

I started unknowninly self harm putting the pencil into my arm as i tried to do the test of multiplication as it it an easy task for some bit for me i couldn't think with all the pain of unable to do this thing called school.

I'm greatful that some days i had bucky, he tied my shoe laces when i couldn't he would slow down and run slow with me and we would play play games, i found my escape from my reailty it was in places that weren't of this earth it was a folklore of wizards and knights and demons and dragon's and the occasionals it was 2003.

One day in school i had to fight for my life i had enough, enough was enough they pushed me so i pushed back i was in detention having to explain i didn't start this and i wanted it to stop and all they told me is violence isn't the answer yet that's all that i received for 6 years of my life was the cruelilty of strangers who I'd never be able to see again it was only 2005 and i started listening to green day and my parents separated and i had a trial for my adhd, they gave me Ritalin i got psychosis i was pulled off the trial but that's when my nightmares of my dreams became my reailty i saw them but refused to admit they are of this world i started lying it was my only way to survive i couldn't tell people the truth they wouldn't believe me if i told them.

One day i got a cane I could walk then they kicked it over and they beat the living shit out of me with hateful words and left me for dead i tried to stand but the damage was done, i stopped eating my lunches ultimately giving them to the freind i had who had less then me and i started cutting my wrists actively i was only 12 listening to my chemical romance and panic at the disco and fall out boy it was 2007. The black parade sent me a phantom, i listened to him i followed his voice, I started actively listening to my voice of reason but it was voice of treason and motive wasn't seen the only voice telling me how to cope with all the problems unfortunately he wasn't the right voice but i herd him before telling me how to survive school and that's all i knew how to survive and school.

I met bucky again, it had only been two years but ultimately i wasn't there unable to operate fully my life again made a living hell, i found my escape in the books at the library looking for answers on the computer looking online for anything to ease the suffering one day i thought computers are repairable by humans so what do humans do to repair humans i found psychology and i diagnosed myself reading the DSM it was 2010.

By now I'm lying and waiting to get home to play my video games of lies as it's all I've known and try to my best in school and maybe be something lying one day ill be like Richard Branson he's dyslexic he got something from this life so i can too... It was 2011

When i was 16 i tried to kill myself but i couldn't bring myself to it i tried, i tried another three times in that year but god forbid anyone would even notice me everyone hated me anyway i wouldn't be missed I'd just be another tragic story untold.

the time we met I had been walking again and i tried fight and suppress my emotions to protect people and some habits ultimately hadn't ever stopped. This time they broke my ribs too and I couldn't breathe and my only air was from the darkness that once consumed me he gave me my legs and i carried on breathing hoping one day it would stop... Some days it stopped other days i was fighting for my survival, and bucky said "no he's not worth it" i replied "if i don't now,I'll never get another chance" and violence isn't the answer,I'm glad now i never did but for years i wish i had.

I decided after many years of thinking about it i left school and went to try get into computers and some how got my qualification but never made it into the feild, i started working at a bar.

I also picked up tumblr it was a nice way to have my own slice of internet but Boose seemed to taste good on the nights when it was hard to find peace when you finish at 5am.

I some how found a girl, she wasn't like the other girls i knew she liked my chemical romance and seemed to be a gem in the rough we talked a little then more and more while His voice telling me to come home Reborn his prince. Rebirthed a lie. Destroyed by it. Every night i worked i got a free drink a nice thank you but ultimately destroying my life but i stopped self harm she asked me to so i did but she had a way to break through my walls and show me the life i never had only with bucky at my side who we hadn't seen each other in awhile because of work and life journeys.

One day in 2014 i was given the opportunity to go to America again and we will vist my brother i also soon remembered that this girl lived there and thought it might of been fun maybe to just wave from the car we had three beautiful good and bad days, but she was there through them. One day we watched a movie and the flashing lights and screams dragged me back to death bed i saw her dying and she was the only thing i cared about and i had bloody hands it was me who killed her i was a monster but her voice calmed me down and tried to remind me that everything is going to be okay, we watched a movie where a boy leaves the girl and she was happy, i knew then to make this girl happy i would have to leave her but i didn't want to i just had to it was the only way she would smile because i wouldn't be the one that kills her by my arms and i wasn't self harming but i was in pain of loosing my favourite person in the world except bucky.

And i said yep, this is it. You have to now or it will happen the way you saw in the cinema Walls up and not look back, she went to Michigan and i went to the darkside the phantom he was the only person who had taken me and helped me and fed me lies of everything you ever said.

I tried keeping tabs on her blog because i could see she was alive and then one day it just stopped and i thought the darkness had gotten her she had stopped breathing it crushed me and i blamed myself for not seeing the signs earlier enough ultimately it turned out she was with a new boy god she looked happy so i tried messaging her, i was told that i should leave so i left because that's what she asked of me it was all i could do it was 2015 So if she wanted me gone i will be gone because she asked me. I finally becoming what i thought i wanted to be surrounded by my darkness i lied to survive to my ultimate demise and getting answers while looking to the future in all the wrong places i believed my disillusions they consumed me they taught me everything they knew and had to try to figure out how to try get back to her however i could so i decided why waste time when i can get a degree of something that let's me do something while i think about everything finally at peace so i went to university and there was some beautiful days but almost everyday i wondered how the girl was doing with out me by her side and she knows that i promised her I'd never leave her but if wanted me in her life she would of messaged and i had to live with some promises you can break but ultimately I'm glad i never self harmed because she had asked me to. In 2016 i was offered another trip to see family in Florida and i was glad she was happy and because i had a few months before college i thought id work the mountains that's where her face was, but i blamed myself for not being her reason to be happy but i could try once more unfortunately again told to leave i guess that was the sign i should leave forever and make peace of what was.

I graduated university and was looking for jobs in San Francisco like i thought id end up being a technology guy hoping maybe one day she would remember everything i said it was 2018 and i was about to be diagnosed with autism, this crushed my world because now i have to tick yes to a disability and no one likes disabled people it's like an unwritten law i spent a whole year trying to get a job and got no where almost had a job that would of been nice and could of led me to where i expected she would of been in the forrest writing novels.

In 2020 i had to work shitty jobs again and pray this wouldn't be my life forever knowing I'm Richard Branson. One day i got a call that a company wanted to offer me a job but k had to survive one more year until 2021, Karen covid, retial, depression triggers.

I survived and packed up my life and moved cities one day i thought holy fuck.

I got the degree, i got job i just didn't get the girl.

By now it wouldn't surpise me if she was married.

And she wasn't i followed her instagram and decided now it's time i seek.

I saw her and herd her voice and finally understood all the things I didn't before.

I went to the gym, i got a trainer I got need shoes with my new orphodeics i got glasses to see i got a beard, i was getting my life that i wish i had.

Ultimately i made her a letter and now the dark times are lingering I've had 3 panic attacks and 5 axinety episodes, and a fuck ton of executive dysfunction I'm fighting because she asked me.

I'm screaming but keep going i can do this.

I can do this.

If you read this.

Just a few more months.

Bucky, im with you till the end of the line.

Closing the door on the past.

Hoping that...

0 notes

lewepstein · 3 years

Text

A Letter To My Fellow Americans

As I complete this post on Thanksgiving day, the transition to a Biden presidency has finally begun. And, although I’m feeling some relief that the Republican Party’s attempts to overturn an election and stage a coup seem to be ending, the 73 million of my fellow Americans who have spoken through their ballots and said that they believe Donald Trump deserves a second term as president continues to haunt me.

The question that keeps coming to my mind is, “Who are “We?” I heard one politician quoting Lincoln about “The better angels of our nature.” A television journalist said, “This is not who we really are as Americans.” Another commentator when referring to the Trump era stated, “We’re better than this,” as if the support for Trump and Trumpism has been an aberration in our national quest for a more perfect union. I use the collective “we” hesitantly now with the understanding that nations can polarize around the more binary question: “Which side are you on?”

It is easy to focus on Donald Trump as the problem. But who we elect and elevate to positions of power is also a reflection of who we are as a people. The storm clouds of QAnon and other conspiracy theories are swirling on social media, while armed, right wing militias show up at public rallies to throw their support behind Trump’s false narratives and his attempted coup. Prior to this era, the election drama that we just witnessed could only have been a work of fiction, a sensational political thriller in which a rogue American president tries to overturn the results of an election - an autocrat is willing to fan the flames of division by refusing to relinquish power and screams “foul,” with no evidence to support his claims. And in that novel or movie, every office holder in his party is either too frightened of the demigogue to challenge his false narrative, or worse, believes that he is entitled to hold onto power regardless of the results of the election. That nightmare drama - the near ending of our democracy - is now part of our American history.

The worst part of this narrative for me is that throughout all of his regime’s four years in power Donald Trump’s 90% approval rating by self identified Republicans has remained remarkably stable. And regardless of the lies he has told and the con job he has perpetrated, 73% of Republicans polled this month do not believe that Joe Biden is the legitimately elected president of the United States.

Based on this nearly stolen election and the collaborative assault on our democracy over the past four years, the following is a letter to my fellow Americans. It is addressed to all of those Trump supporters who for one reason or another have decided that he continues to remain acceptable to them. It is meant for all those who believe that Donald Trump “speaks my kind of language” and therefore, that qualifies him to be president of the United States. It is also intended for those who have simply been mesmerized by him and joined his cult. I especially address this letter to Christian Evangelicals who have abandoned any pretense to morality and so-called “Christian values” along with those corporate and “Country Club Republicans” who have always disdained the working class and non-whites but never knew politicians could go beyond racist dog whistles until Trump led the way. And of course, there are the rural, white working class non-college educated who feel scorned and talked down to by the “urban elites” and are willing to join a movement that directs their rage and resentments against people who are even more disadvantaged than they are. I should also include machismo males of all ethnicities who identify with Donald Trump’s toxic masculinity and elevate “toughness” and “invulnerability” to some kind of religion - and subscribe to the pseudo masculine notion: “make a liberal cry.” This letter is also addressed to those Northern and Southern conservatives and Christian Nationalists - those cult members who nostalgically long for a return to an idyllic past that never was - one that refuses to embrace the complexity of change and enshrines white privilege as a right, and therefore views any movement for social change as an existential threat.

This letter is not about four years ago when you may not have been so sure about what you were getting in a Donald Trump presidency, although he did begin his campaign with a racist “birther” conspiracy theory designed to delegitimize our first Black president. Your desire to shake up the establishment and bring home jobs that were outsourced to Mexico and other countries in trade pacts made by both Democratic and Republican administrations - something that Trump promised, but never made good on - may have made sense at the time. But now it is four years later and what terrifies me is that you’ve had time to see what this administration is capable of doing and has already done. And yet, you seem to have bought the entire package - a package that includes an inept and yet politically calculated mishandling of a pandemic that has cost the lives of two hundred and fifty thousand of your fellow citizens, some of those deaths being members of your own families. It is also an administration that denies the science of climate destruction while megastorms threaten our coastal communities, heat waves are destroying our crops and out of control fires are threatening our way of life on a planet our children and grandchildren will inherit.

You have also witnessed the dismantling of our democracy, piece by piece in a callous and self serving way - the breaking down of norms and institutions that are designed to check presidential power by a president who has made clear his admiration for the “strongmen” and dictators of other nations. You have seen the replacement of dedicated diplomats and other public servants by Trump family members and other cronies - so much so that now many in government need only answer to Donald Trump. Even if you mostly listen to the echo chamber of Fox “News” and the bull horns of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham, you have also seen the images of cages and family separations at our border and the people around you dying of Covid. You have heard many of Trump’s twentytwo thousand self serving lies and watched as he directed his venom against women, those with disabilities, LBGTQs, immigrants and people of color while encouraging right wing militias, neo-Nazis and white supremists.

When I consider what you seventythree million voters have endorsed by voting for Donald Trump what comes to my mind as a therapist are a couple of basic questions that I frequently pose to clients: “How far are you willing to go with this?” and “What is your bottom line?” When people are in marriages or other committed relationships, the things that they are UNWILLING to tolerate - their BOTTOM LINES - are key markers as to whether the relationship will grow or dissolve into patterns of resentment and even abuse. Your relationship to politics and politicians contains elements of this paradigm: What are you UNWILLING to tolerate? - even if you believe you may be getting something that you want out of the arrangement? And, Is there a point where a political leader goes too far? - one in which he violates a core morality and some fundamental idea about what you believe to be wrong? Does there ever come a time when he steps over a line and threatens a value or an institution that you hold dear? Is there any point at which you would decide to draw your own line in the sand and withdraw your support?

The other elephant in the room when it comes to the WILLINGNESS to tolerate just about anything - where there seems to exist no bottom line is within the Republican Party itself - you senators, congresspeople and party officials at all levels of federal, state and local government. If you recently called yourself the “Party of Lincoln,” the defenders of the constitution, the party of “free trade,” the party of a muscular foreign policy that defended democracy abroad through our NATO allies and oppositioin to Putin’s expansionism, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Just a few years ago wasn’t it you who was willing to spend trillions of our national treasure and expend thousands of our soldiers’ lives to wage a war against the dictator, Sadam Hussein? And, If you are the party of “family values,” how did you just give your authority over to a vulgar autocrat who shits on the constitution, uses the presidency to enrich himself at public expense, elevates dictators around the world and allows Vladmir Putin to attack our elections and place bounties on our troops? How come you continue to back a president who calls your family members who have died in our nations wars, “suckers and losers?”

The word that you would have applied to a Democratic president who did even a few of the things that you have condoned in Trump is, “traitor.” You castigated President Obama for at times wearing a tan suit and not observing the norm of wearing an American flag pin on his lapel. But following your Republican primary you didn’t even bother to create a party platform, leaving the next four years open to whatever the “Dear Leader” wants. The glaring and challenging question to Republicans is: I know what you are afraid of - getting on the wrong side of Donald Trump and losing his base. BUT WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY STAND FOR? Was it always just about tax breaks for corporations and the ultra-rich? Was it really mistly about preserving your white privilege? Are you at core the party of voter suppression and minoritarian rule that promotes the notion that some Americans count more than others? And, If you aren’t outraged by Donald Trump’s many abuses of power, and his attempt to hijack an election - his high crimes and misdemeanors - the question that I would also pose to you is “WHY NOT?”

History has taught me that nations can turn from democracies to autocracies and then to police states. Democracy is a fragile and precious compact that depends upon norms and rules. Germany was an advanced, parliamentary democracy during the 1930s until citizens began attending Hitler’s rallies in which he called the free press “the enemy of the people,” promoted a return to “law and order” and demonized certain “inferior minority groups” as a threat to the white, Aryan “masterrace.” These German citizens eventually became Hitler’s WILLING executioners as he dissolved parliament, created his ministry of “information” and built the death camps that became part of what we now call the Holocaust.

Much of the German population had become what we might call “true believers'' - they had a picture of Hitler along with one of Jesus on their mantles. Those who attended his rallies, fellow Germans, had over a few years become the enemy of other citizens who had become marginalized and demonized. and would end up in concentration camps. The Conservative Party of Germany at the time said that Hitler was just a “clown” who they would be able to control once in power and the capitalist class along with the clergy and intellectuals turned out to be fine with a booming war time economy and a supply of slave labor. If we fought World War II and were willing to die by the thousands on the beaches of Normandy to topple a racist autocrat who was in league with other dictators and a threat to world democracy, how can you now, my fellow Americans, ever consider voting for a racist autocrat who is in league with other dictators and is a threat to world democracy?

This rise of a dictator is not just a German phenomenon that occurred eighty years ago. The devolution of countries that once aspired to democracy in which a demigogue uses a phony populism and the demonizing of immigrants and ethnic minorities to seize power is currently going on in countries like Orban’s Hungary, Duda’s Poland, Duarte’s Philippines and Bolsinaro’s Brazil, among others. It begins with attacks on truth and journalism and ends up with disempowered parliaments along with the media, judges, generals and police forces answering only to the strongman in power. This is what almost occurred here in the United States of America because of your support for Donald Trump. I have little doubt that four more years of him being in power would have been the death knell for our democracy. .

And so, my fellow Americans, you who have attended the rallies and shouted, “Lock her up” when it came to Trump’s political opponents and “Build That Wall” to keep out the demonized “others” who Trump singled out to be your object of hatred. You who are willing to embrace a White Christian Nationalism out of a fear of change and a more diverse America that the future will inevitably bring. You who would be quite happy with a theocracy as long as White Christains are calling the shots. You who are willing to go along with Trump’s portrayal of wearing a face mask during a pandemic as a sign of weakness while you spread this disease and endanger both your own families and our larger community. On this Thanksgiving Day I am very grateful that we just averted a political disaster and narrowly elected a democratic politician and a decent human to be the president of our country.

I hope that you were merely in a trance during the Trump era, the way that members of cults frequently are. But people who are in a trance can also be a danger to themselves and others, willing to follow the commands and subliminal messages of the hypnotist. They are prone to forsake reason and go along with an alternate reality where facts do not matter and truth does not exist. They are also willing to give over all of our hard won freedoms to con men and traitors. To paper this over and pretend that there is anything OK about your support for this demigogue would be very disrespectful to you. I intend to remain very vigilant over the next few years and see if the spell that you seem to be under can be broken while also keeping in mind that you have aided and abetted this abomination called the Trump presidency. And I will always keep in mind that under the right conditions you can and will become a danger to everything that I value and hold dear.

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cuntess-carmilla · 4 years

Text

This is just an extremely long vent post sparked by my brother. ^_^

(Reclaimed r slur by the end in reference to myself)

Someone explain to me how my brother can be so smart yet always soooooooooo fucking wrong in everything other than thinking cops and Piñera are scum.

Actually? I know exactly why! It’s because in his colossal immaturity coupled with his trauma of having always been told that he’s dumb because he’s autistic and the combination of mostly STUPID awful teachers and bullying was the actual reason why he did so badly in school after like 3rd grade. Which I get! But the way he ~copes~ with his inferiority complex is by being possibly THE most arrogant person I’ve ever known!

Ok, no, the most arrogant one was my ex-boss who sexually harassed me, but my brother (being actually a good just really frustrating person) comes 2nd. Besides that insecure arrogance, he’s way too driven by his gut feelings without supporting those gut feelings with reason or proper sources. Sometimes AGAINST proper sources. He ESPECIALLY doesn’t inform his gut feelings with other people’s opinions to form any sort of balanced collection of ideas to consider!

Given that he also has really bad anger issues (I’m fucking uncle Iroh post-war crimes compared to him) and represses every emotion that isn’t Wrath, a lot of the time his gut is just going by whatever position, POV or idea causes him the strongest emotional reaction - again, without proper research - that aligns with his like, misanthropy and sense of The World Inherently Sucks, so a lot of the time it’s motherfucking conspiracy theories! And he sticks to the position that took 5 minutes to convince him no matter what anyone says if they don’t passionately agree with him.

AND when someone doesn’t passionately agree with him, or innocently asks questions that could make his position be exposed as wrong or unfounded, he takes it as the grandest personal insult meant to make him feel stupid and if we try to tell him that disagreeing with him or even just not being sure what we think of the positions he adopts, he literally, legit says we’re just saying that to demonize him and make HIM out to be the psycho.

I love him but he’s wrong a lot of the time EVEN compared to my very fascist parents when it doesn’t come to specific local politics (ie. hating cops and Piñera). Don’t get me wrong, they’re fascists so I disagree with 99% of their views (the ones I agree with being stuff like “rape is bad” and “femicides shouldn’t happen”), my mom herself makes up a lot of insane fascist conspiracy theories, and both of them source their information from right-wing mainstream media.

But like... At least they try to form opinions based on (the sadly biased) information they can get rather than immediately making up their minds with NO space for questioning anything based on what aligns with their emotions?

Ok, my mom not so much but she’s only like that when it comes to subjects she thinks she knows well. When it comes to subjects she knows she’s ignorant of, she doesn’t do that. She’s open to asking questions, being corrected and thinking things through in those cases.

My dad is generally capable of all those things that my mom does when she knows she’s not knowledgeable enough in the subject at hand, and actually has a pretty decent capacity to admit he’s wrong when he’s proven wrong by undeniable facts! He knows too that a lot of his own ideas and perceptions can change through time and he’d rather be properly right instead of clinging to past ideas and perceptions just to never admit he was ever wrong. What’s more, he fully accepts that people aren’t always going to agree with him on everything and that’s not a fucking hate crime! What a concept.

So like, yeah I think their politics are wrong almost entirely lol. But I can at least... Think of them as relatively functional adults when it comes to that shit even if they’re wrong and stay very wrong? My mom does take some things more personally but never to my brother’s level.

Just minutes ago my brother was spouting conspiracy theories about COVID (you know the shit, virus was human-made, it’s a conspiracy by some secret society to kill people, etc) like it was objective fact. My dad has stayed away from watching or reading any news for the sake of his own sanity so he doesn’t actually know all the facts, BUT with the facts he didn’t know, he asked him where his information came from in a very neutral way, or filled in the spaces with reasonable logic and distrusting things that are obviously conspiracy-mongering.

Just that my dad didn’t immediately agree with him and put the things he was saying to question my brother started fucking yelling and victimizing himself. I was so fucking annoyed that I committed the crime of interfering not regarding the subject itself, but regarding how my brother was handling not being agreed with. He word by word said “OH, SO YOU AGREE WITH HIM?" I told him I wasn’t agreeing or disagreeing with anyone! Because I wasn’t! I was just trying to calm the dude down and TRY to teach him, for the billionth time, to learn how to take CONSTRUCTIVE gentle criticism and to handle others having a healthy minimum of skepticism regarding the extreme ideas he proposes out of the blue! You know. Like a fucking (by tomorrow) 22 years old guy SHOULD. Ah, yes, he’s not a fucking teenager! HE’S TURNING 22 IN 23 MINUTES FROM NOW.

THEN he started victimizing himself, WITH ME.

ME! THE ONE BITCH IN THIS HOUSE WHO ALWAYS ADVOCATES FOR HIS ASS, HAS ALWAYS TRIED TO LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY WITHOUT DIRECTLY SHUTTING HIS IDEAS DOWN WHEN I THINK HE’S WILDLY WRONG BECAUSE EVEN THEN I MAKE SURE TO DISAGREE WITH HIM IN A WAY THAT HE DOESN’T PERCEIVE AS ME THINKING HE’S A STUPID PARANOID IMBECILE (paranoid he IS by the way!).

I’M THE ONE CUNT WHO’S ALWAYS TRIED TO MAKE THE REST OF THE FAMILY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE’S COMING FROM WHETHER HE’S RIGHT OR WRONG, WHO’S TRIED FOR YEARS (AND SUCCEEDED A LOT OF THE TIME!) TO TEACH THE REST OF THE FAMILY HOW TO ACCOMMODATE FOR HIM, HIS DISABILITY AND HIS TRAUMAS WHEN HE DOESN’T RETURN THE FAVOR TO ANYONE, SOMETIMES ASKING FOR MAYBE MORE COMPREHENSION AND PATIENCE FROM THE REST OF THE FAMILY THAN IT’S FAIR TO ASK FOR!

HELL. EVEN WHEN I TELL HIM OFF WHEN I GET PISSED AT HIM AND SAY PRETTY HEAVY THINGS TO HIM? I MAKE SURE TO ARTICULATE WHAT I’M SAYING IN A WAY THAT SHOWS COMPASSION AND IS COMPLETELY CODDLING IN TONE SO HE DOESN’T FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED. EVEN HE SAYS I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO “LISTENS” TO HIM.

THIS EMOTIONALLY REPRESSED DUDE WHO BREAKS FURNITURE AND DESTROYS OUR FOOD WHEN HIS ANGER OR ANXIETY TAKE OVER, WHO DOES NOT LET ANYONE SEE HIM VULNERABLE UNLESS HE’S HAVING A MELT DOWN ONLY BECAUSE THEN HE CAN’T STOP HIMSELF FROM CRYING? HE USUALLY TRUSTS ME ENOUGH TO HAVE CRIED ON MY SHOULDER MANY FUCKING TIMES.

AND HE ACCUSES ME OF JUST WANTING TO MAKE HIM SEEM LIKE HE’S THE INSANE DUMB DELUSIONAL AWFUL PERSON, SO I CAN SOMEDAY USE THIS INSTANCE AGAINST HIM IN ANOTHER “FIGHT”, WHEN I’VE NEVER FUCKING DONE THAT EVEN WHEN HE, TO BE HONEST, DESERVED IT? SERIOUSLY DUDE? FOR FUCKING REAL?

I’M THE ONE YOU’RE GONNA ACCUSE OF THAT WHEN I SPEND MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE CODDLING YOUR PETTY ASS, PROTECTING YOU, BEING A SECOND MOTHER AND CHARGE FREE SHRINK TO YOU?

OR PULLING ALL-NIGHTERS TO HELP WITH YOUR COLLEGE HOMEWORK WHEN I’VE HAD CLASSES TOO THE NEXT DAY? SOMETIMES DOING THE WHOLE COLOSSAL PROJECT ALONE THE NIGHT BEFORE IF I REALIZE YOU’RE TOO BRAIN FOGGED, FATIGUED OR TRIGGERED TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT GETTING SUICIDAL OR SOMETHING? SENDING YOU TO BED WHILE I DO YOUR SHIT AND DON’T SLEEP AT ALL? SOMETIMES GROUP PROJECTS WHERE YOU WERE GROUPED WITH LAZY ASSHOLES SO I’M DOING THE WORK OF 4 PEOPLE ALONE THE NIGHT BEFORE? FOR FREE?

M E ?

BITCH, I DON’T EVEN WANT A MEDAL OR TO BE THANKED BECAUSE BEING THANKED FOR ANYTHING MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE! BUT COME THE FUCK ON. I’D JUST APPRECIATE NOT BEING SLAPPED ON THE FACE IN RETURN, YOU KNOW?

*insert gif of Disney’s Hades exploding in red fire then calming down 2 seconds after*

Like you just! Can’t fucking have an adult conversation with this dude if you’re not validating him without question! You can’t! You can’t have any level of healthy friendly debate with him! You can’t beg him to be reasonable! YOU CAN’T!

He was saying “BUT IT’S OBVIOUS”, my dad asked CALMLY “With what proof?”, then it was “WELL, IT’S OBVIOUS TO ME”, then “That’s an opinion, not a fact. We can google the number” and OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

Then to ME he was all “YOU JUST LOVE TO BE RIGHT, DON’T YOU?” calling US immature and saying WE are the ones who don’t want to listen to a different opinion!!!!! When I told him he fucking loves being right he victimized himself again with a “WELL, FOR ONCE I’D LIKE TO BE!”

I was about to tell him, with the last dying bit of my patience, that yeah, like most people I do actually like to be right and I like it a lot! But that being right requires actual fucking work and THINKING rather than just going by whatever supports your misanthropic Kill Society angry feelings, and the moment you’re proved wrong YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR POSITION IN ORDER TO BE RIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU CLING TO YOUR DEBUNKED FIRST BASELESS CONVENIENT OPINION OUT OF PRIDE THEN YOU’RE OBJECTIVELY WRONG AND A PISSBABY.

But I didn’t get to say that because something else interrupted it and then things cooled off while, like a good Scorpio Mars, I’m still endlessly ruminating on and won’t forget about the rest of my life as much as I’d actually LOVE to be able to forget this instance of him being an idiot. 8)

Like, does this motherfucker not fucking get that unless I already know the subject thoroughly and have a fully fleshed Opinion, I don’t often give opinions out loud BECAUSE I try to first shape my thoughts properly and THAT’S why I tend to be fucking right? That that’s why I always have a lot of arguments and am so certain of what I think, because I’m so insecure that I only fucking talk when I’m 99.999999% confident in what I have to say, rather than it being because I’m an inflexible asshole who thinks is better than him!

And he’s seen it. He’s fucking SEEN ME acknowledge when I’m wrong!!!!! Including the times I’ve been wrong TO HIM.

In all honesty I don’t enjoy admitting when I’m wrong (in big part BECAUSE I put a lot of effort into articulating the ideas I’m standing by!), but when I realize that I am, just out of a minimum of maturity and sense of DIGNITY - because I’d find it so fucking humiliating to not acknowledge being wrong when it’s obvious that I am to everyone involved and I can no longer defend my point - I still do it!

Bitch, you said it yourself, I LIKE TO BE RIGHT. I’m going to side with what I genuinely think is right even if I used to think it was wrong! There’s a motherfucking reason that as a teenager I was a Pinochet apologist, Gays Go To Hell, Communism = Evil / Capitalism = Freedom, pro-life, Catholic and now I’m THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ALL OF THAT.

Does he think it didn’t hurt my pride to discover one-by-one that my views were absolute shit? IT DID AND GOD KNOWS MY PRIDE IS SENSITIVE AS HELL. Does he think it wasn’t depressing to have my whole world views destroyed? I NEED TO STAND ON FIRM GROUND ON EVERYTHING OR ELSE I LOSE MY SHIT, IT WAS AWFUL TO SUDDENLY HAVE MY WORLD VIEW WRECKED. Does he think I didn’t try to argue for my WRONG ideas for as long as I still thought I had decent arguments to back them up? OF COURSE I DID, I BELIEVED IN THEM FOR A REASON, AS WRONG AS I WAS.

But I changed! I changed when I no longer had any space left to think I was right! And I operate the same way with my current positions and ideas now! Dude, I tend to be right over you BECAUSE I don’t immediately get set on the first thing that makes me feel emotionally Validated, unlike you! You ARE smart but you’re SO driven by your own colossal yet insecure ego that you don’t even BOTHER to be critical of your own thoughts and all your potential goes to waste.

I ruminate on every single little thing obsessively, to my own detriment, being my own Devil’s advocate having an ruthless debate against myself in my mind, starting off COMPLETELY insecure about my own thoughts, paranoid trying to imagine in what way I could possibly be proved wrong by someone else if I said my ideas out loud and how to hold my stance in case it happens. I NEVER say my ideas out loud to people who I think know more than me or are smarter than me, to not make a fool of myself in front of anyone because I’m a coward and I was also bullied into firmly believing I’m a fucking retard!

All of that pathological effort because I actually don’t think I’m better than you or anyone else! I think I’m really fucking stupid! So I overthink it all endlessly and by PRINCIPLE I distrust and question my own thoughts and perceptions at every single second. For hours, days, weeks, months, EVEN YEARS.

That’s why when I do speak I’m one of those annoying bitches who have an answer to everything! BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU’D TRY TO PROVE ME WRONG ON THAT FRONT ALREADY AND I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT HUMILIATION SO I ALREADY HAD THAT SHIT COVERED BEFORE I DECIDED TO SAY ANYTHING.

And nothing in that exhausting, paranoid process guarantees I’ll be correct! So even when I firmly think I’m right I keep it to myself some more in case that maybe two years later or something I’ll discover a flaw in my thought process.

It’s so tiring, it’s so fucking tiring how EVERYONE who knows me from afar or from very FUCKING close, thinks that any and every one of the fucking things I achieve just fell into my stupid hands out of the sky by mere luck because God felt like giving me an easy ride that day. They ALL think I’m some arrogant bitch for the very few things I don’t doubt anymore when I try my best to be humble as long as I don’t humiliate myself! But I’m SURE they all think I’m a conceited lucky show off!

EVERY TIME I’m for fucking once proud of anything I achieve, people tell me to my fucking face that I’m just naturally and inexplicably talented, taking away any merit of my fucking own.

Like it’s a FUCKING compliment that, supposedly, everything I’ve achieved by pushing myself to my limits despite being at a disadvantage in so many areas, destroying my already ill body and breaking my autistic little brain, barely sleeping for days, having panicked crying fits where I self-harm because it’s not good enough and I don’t know how to make it right... What I finally accomplish by putting in all that effort, self sabotage and sacrifice?

Oh, it just fell into my hands because I’m THAT blessed, apparently! It’s all just LUCK AND TALENT I DIDN’T DO A THING TO EARN! I’m SO lucky and effortlessly talented! I feel SO fucking flattered!!! :) Thank you SO much! :) I’ve never EVER doubted myself also! :D

#also i know there's typos but you know what there's nothing of?#my shits to give or any energy from how exhausted i already was before all this

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dwestfieldblog · 4 years

Text

DIFFERENT SCENES FOR DIFFERENT GENES

I scry with my third eye. Something beginning with...V...Police patrolling the parks for people in numbers of more than two. Partners in masks, holding hands in gloves and everyone suddenly vulnerable, unable to gather in packs and gain vicarious strength. Droplets on breath, float and melt into eyes and everybody keeping their distance now paranoia is no longer irrational but sensible. Hello, hope you are doing okay.

This crisis will bring out ALL the best and the worst in people, in both selfless and panic based behaviour. The imminence of a possible bad death or infecting one you love can focus the mind wonderfully on what truly matters to the individual. Adults and children are dying independent of age and previous health status or racial characteristics, remorseless and random. The chaos plague in action and it is mutating. So let's have some lively imature comedy before we get deadly serious.

There are many who will use this situation for political ends and many rabid Endtimers of apocalypse who will be rejoicing somehow that Christ will soon return and save his flock of sheep. Two recent quotes direct from Trump's twitter; 'Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord' (Matthew 21:1) Well...'Oh God!' is what millions cry in orgasm. 'But the Lord watches over those who fear Him, those who rely on His unfailing love'. (Psalm 33) Really? How many God fearing Christians have died so far and in all the previous plagues? As one American (or maybe hacked by Russia) site says; 'You can't hold hands with God when you are masturbating'. In other words Donald, if you are a wanker you will not get into Heaven. But I digress...

And other fundamentalists who have yet to notice that the virus is killing everyone from all groups, not just those who disagree with them. Kick them hard between the legs if they say this within earshot of you. Hard enough to stop them breeding. (Sidenote... nice to hear that many more pregnancies than normal have been logged over the last few weeks...folk staying at home with nothing better to do and subconsciously wanting to keep the population up. Arf. It is already up. 66.44 million people in the UK (of which England is 56 million)and the UK annual deathrate has been 9382 for the last five years.) Coming and going in the name of the Lord, hallelujah and pass the holy blood...

There were some people at the start of this, a doctor, a couple of journalists who started to warn about Covid 19 in December/January. They were quickly removed by the communists. The world could have had an extra five weeks to prepare and take measures. Hopefully many countries, if unable to actually sue the Chinese government for being totalitarian swine (and why not - Loss of earnings, cause of mass death, covering up facts and lying to health organisations) then the least we can all do is to stop buying ANYTHING from China. Check the labels first. The West has been outrageous in its kow-towing to a regime that machine gunned its own children from tanks, uses unwilling organ donors, transportse ethnicities of Tibetans and Muslim communities to ‘re-education’ camps. WE should have been ashamed. Now we should be angry. BOYCOTT CHINESE GOODS FOR ONE YEAR, GET THE COMMUNISTS OUT.

Speaking of which, the ‘British’ deal with Huawei...giving even the crack of a possibility that a nation with such serious issues with ‘freedom’ and murder of its own citizens should be in charge of Britain’s infrastructure for information and hospitals and surveillance and....Well...it seems...how to put this...f..ing stupid. Done only in order to ensure more investment by China in our shrinking economy. ‘When China sneezes, the world catches a cold’...the markets certainly are. But sellers of respiratory face masks made in guess where are doing well. Well you know everything is made in China...

Globally, right now, we seem to have the worst possible leaders in charge for this crisis. The weakest, craziest and the most despotic (very often all in one). China, with mass interests in Africa and South America has sold the media line that the virus is an American creation to protect their newest client base. And every single damn time Trump opens his mouth, he just makes everybody on the planet who did not vote for him, all the less likely to believe a word. Or even that he exists.

Horrible to see Michael Gove praising the medical staff in Britain for working their hearts out during this crises. He was one of the Tory MPs who voted against giving nurses a small pay rise in 2017. All but one did so, and when the vote was 'won' , the Conservatives let out a loud cheer. They cheered. Cheering now boys and girls? Many thousands of Labour supporters voted Tory in December simply because Corbyn is pointless as pointless can be and the Stalinist Momentum group trying to take over the party are bloody dangerous. I will never be a Socialist but I would truly like to hear why the posh rich boys thought it unnecessary to give a little bonus to nurses and why the bastards cheered. Unforgivable.

Boris taking cold revenge on the BBC for having had the temerity to ask him impertinent, salient questions in December...by decriminalising not paying the license fee. Succumbs to the virus after having taken three days to even organise a COBRA meeting of the highest and then shilly shallying for several weeks longer before acting to lock down the city. Enough time for the shops to be emptied in fear because Britain chose to be self isolating before Covid 19 was even known about. Anti bacterial soap stolen from hospitals. How many readers saw the photographs of the London underground the Friday after its Lord Mayor begged the public to stay home? Packed. Five percent in masks. Hoards of idiots at weekends getting drunk in London and the USA. ‘It’s only the old and weak who die’. No it isn’t. By no means are all those dying are old and previously ill.

This is what happens in various (if not most) countries, when the masses are not educated to cogitate for themselves. Governments neither need nor want the majority to be clever and ask questions at any point. They need basic workers, such as the ESSENTIAL WORKERS these days...easy to spot, they are the ones being paid the least amount of money) The masses are disallowed genuine opportunites to make money and keep it without being taxed at every turn. These two things result in vast populations who have been educated to be less than intelligent and millions who cannot afford to stop work and self isolate for a couple of months. They don’t have private health schemes, stocks and shares, a rich daddy or friends, family jewellery , a second car to sell or gold bullion in Switzerland. They have what they do daily, to make them money and pay bills and rent. Many of the poorest in numerous countries, live with their parents and grandparents. No real alternative but to work, mix and bring the virus home.

What would be wonderful would be if the landlords, big bosses and bankers (who, well...appear to have quite a lot of moolah) would say, ‘okay...you know what...no need to pay rent for two or three months and perhaps there is no work to be done but I won’t lay anyone off or count this as sick leave’. How f..ing likely is that to happen? There will be a few who will do the right thing. The rest will remain as the bastards as they always were. May the Devil take them.

And as for the hackers blackmailing hospitals...when they are caught, strip them, parade and flog them till bloody, and then put them away for Life without parole. At the very least. I would turn them loose in a crowd of those they had caused pain to. The same goes for any leader who had given them orders.

And ooh, ahh...the deadly serious internet conspiracy...apparently Bill Gates is acting like Thanos or a James Bond villain but without the charm and sense of humour. If this virus had been created by Man deliberately, there would already have been a vaccine somewhere. Perhaps there is. If you really are a nut, then watch where the cure seems to originate from and trace it backwards. And which of the ' Elite' refuse to have the jab. Interesting to think how long the Chinese (or anyone for that matter) have been eating bats and only now does this spring up. Yum yum. Yab Yab.

To quote from the master again..’Conspiracy is contagious and so is worrying about it. At such time, theories about totally imaginary conspiracies also escalate, because (a) times of transition make people nervous and uncertain, (b) nervous and uncertain people tend to become at least a little bit paranoid, (c) most people most of the time follow their own prejudices and anxieties much more than any technique for ascertaining objective facts, and (d) most people have no knowledge of the techniques or self –disciplines necessary to the search for objective facts.Robert Anton Wilson, Right Where you are Sitting Now. (Ronin Publishing)

Meanwhile...John von Neumann’s game theory continues to be used in global warfare scenarios...they are still attempting to overcome the odds against negative outcomes...More satellites fired upwards, planning to use EMP to disable the enemy’s networks before they do the same. Peace and goodwill to all, Amen...AI Terminators building the Matrix etc.

But I remember some time in 1997 after five years of various daily practices in England and Czech Republic, a sudden moment in the countryside walking down a small valley...having an absolute instinct that humans would never be strong enough to destroy this world. Simultaneously there was a sure and clear feeling that I no longer lived in the time stream of a world which would be annihilated by nuclear war. Through my baby steps towards tiny pulses of enlightenment, I had stepped across to a parallel world. Breaching a strange loop in a 'quantum-jump to a different order of coherence.' (Identical, but not one in which such insanity would happen...)

Twenty three years later after dropping many of the disciplines I had used in the Nineties and getting caught up in the horseshit of trump and such others - and my own failing mental health, I seem to have crossed back over into a world which is worse on many levels. There were flashes back then, revolutions without bloodshed, with dialogue, and agreements (even if based on trade and power sharing) but step by step, what I call the Conspiracy of Counter Evolution (Neophobes) struck back at the possibility that humans could do the right thing. Dragging the masses back into petty squabbles and bloodshed based on the three main (as they like to see themselves) religions and the eternal struggle for resources. Of which there are plenty for quite a few hundred generations yet, as long as we stop eating bats and don't allow the fundamentalists to wipe us out in the name of a merciful God. Nationalism and Religion are the perfect illusions with which to rule and dominate the gullible through fear, unprovable promises and selfish pride. And resources are mace to look limited and endangered in order to drive prices up. Fear, as was said, is big business.

‘Don’t associate with people who have a low view of humanity; it’ll give you a low view of yourself’ Mark Twain. And thus I remain cynically optimystic.

Did you know that 10 hours exposure to low doses of ketamine ‘enhances corticostriatal cross frequency coupling and hippocampal broad band gamma oscillation’...? Useful to know eh? Many things have the same effect without resorting to horse tranquiliser...like focusing on changing brain speed via breathing. He says on Codeine, whisky and Tramadol. And no doubt burning out all the couplings between the trains of thought but only last night. You will ‘be right there’? I will be wrong here.

I recently had a dream where I had set up a solo concert, all equipment ready, tuned strings, prepared gear etc, then on stage an hour before the start, realised I had forgotten to invite anyone...Hmm...Two more quotes...

‘Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable’. JFK.

‘The only reason a caterpillar ‘knows’ how to become a butterfly...is because genes contain a memory of the future. This is a metaphor, remember, it may be a very useful one, at that.' RAW.

SO, HOLD ON TO YOUR SANITY, RELEASE ALL TENSIONS AS YOU WILL, BUT HARM NO ONE. KEEP A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR AND LOVE LIFE, FORM AND FORMLESS. BE AWARE AND SEE YOU LATER...D.

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