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istherewifiinhell · 2 years

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Following is an analysis of how Koisenu Futari writes it aro characters, aro narrative and what it intends to convey, and is also my own personal thoughts and feelings in regards to that. I refer to the characters by some stero- and archetypal categories because they are fictional, and how they are is a choice made by writers. I wouldn't say these things about real people, and you don't have to agree with me. Also of course its plot and character important that Takahashi and Sakuko are AroAce. But I will just be saying aro, because that's what was so revolutionary in the show for me and what I'm focusing on in this. Cool? Great, awesome. Let's go.

Koisenu Futari is a show that doesn't seem real to me. Part of my brain assumes, no they didn't actually make an aro show that actually cares about aros. A show that knows and shows aros of all kinds, all-be-it, some just briefly in the meet up group. But as I'll posit, ideologically this show has the space for loveless aros and all of us that really defy the more easier to digest notions of aro-ness.

Because, the thing that stuck me most about this show is that our point of view character Sakuko, is the newly discovered aro. She's a kind person with a sweet disposition and friendly to most. She doesn't relate to all the romance around her (including when someone is being insulting to her about the nature of her lack of relationships), but she is eager to please people, and doesn't like to make any trouble. She's younger and career focused that leaves people do assume any time she doesn't mesh with romance society is simply a matter of late blooming.

And enter Takahashi, the person who's words help her understand herself, help save herself. A person she meets and can finally feel a comfortable, understanding, connection with. Takahashi, an old aro, a bitter aro, he's someone who is knowledgeable about the societal construction and history of romance. He feels deeply the effects of, and understands structurally, amatonormativity. He has couple speeches about such things ready to go and bubbling under the surface, and given with an orator's tilt, compared to the rest of his conversations. And, he is epitome of your repulsed aro, your touch adverse aro and non neurotypical passing aro.

But of course, that's not the totality of what anybody is, and that's not all these characters are. Takahashi is a thoughtful and sentimental man, he's closeted even a bit shy. And through that we see his bravery when working against his reserved nature. He feels lonely, but not devoid of meaning or purpose because of it.

Takahashi's live does certainly seem much happier, and fulfilled. He maintains a blog, his garden, he keeps traditions the contented mundane rituals of life. And to me it brings to mind statistics about masking, being closeted, transition, and their relation to wellness. There is often an inverse relationship to the joy or peace of being yourself, and access to certain parts of society, or safety within it. Which of course, Sakuko, due to being younger and her general disposition, does pass mostly unnoticed in these spaces, but at great cost, some she didn't even realise, or really admit to herself.

Sakuko is, of the two, someone who comes across as more palatable to normative society. The kind of people and structures that might prefer to see aros in QPs specifically so they more closes resemble allo (& hetero) monogamous relationships. Kazu's plot line brings home that the expectations of a man and a women living together supersede the need for actually romance. So they aren't in romantic love, but shouldn't they still have the aesthetic patina of it. If you're a family should the woman not be a caretaker and the man a protector? And, obviously, no. Amantonormativity as a word, as a lens to view society, didn't even originate in aro subculture, and shares a lot of overlap with hetero- and cis- normativity for a reason. And the show's deftly handles how far that norm is from the reality.

Takahashi isn't, we learn, living his perfect life, for a mixture of reasons. Many that I would qualify under a flinch response. If you live your life in defiance of something, against others insistence. It makes sense to be resistant to change, headstrong and immutable. So he'll wholeheartedly commit to his own life, and respect others' choices and feelings. He doesn't talk as much as he simply acts, he wouldn't question someone even if he should. And he won't change his life if it may imply his current way of life is wrong, even if the change could be for the better.

So it is in this these two characters differences that their affect can be seen on each other. Sakuko learns to live a committed and more defiant life. She learns to do things that make her happy, to reach out and grab things by the throat, instead of settle. And from Sakuko who had to change just to keep being herself. Takahashi learns that he doesn't have to live just one way. He can change, if he isn't as happy as he could be he can take a risk, and if that doesn't work, it doesn't have to be permanent. And at no point do they have to change the immutable parts of themselves.

Obviously, there is no trick romance snuck in. But more importantly and, perhaps insightfully, what might be considered secondary character traits are equally respected. Sakuko doesn't have to endure more peoples romantic feelings for her, she doesn't have to stop being career oriented, or fun loving. And she doesn't have to be closer to her family before they can respect her. Takahashi, and this truly blew me away to realise. Doesn't ever have to welcome people touching him, or even being too close. He doesn't have change his affect or his demeanor in emotional conversations. The biggest changes our characters go through come from their increased happiness and increased desire to work towards happiness.

And if it wasn't clear enough yet, the end state of the show knocks it out of the fucking park, and directly into my, and I hope others brains. To be forever lodged in our subconsciouses. The prescribed ideals aren't what give us meaning. Straight couples aren't all perfect, sometimes romantic feelings cause you pain, and structuring your life so it seems familiar is never more important that if it brings you satisfaction and joy. Their lives, their family, their connection to each other doesn't end or stop having meaning when it no longer approximates the very things they were trying to live away from.

#some shit #koisenu futari #okay. i think. that is. readable. please let me know if there are any comprehension blocking errors. particular if u suspect #i missed a negative. im really prone to that one #i think im making some assumptions or implicate connections of a chain of actions and interpretations of them #but hopefully the jist is still made #im not necessarily gonna explain all the things i see in the characters that bring to mind how im getting to these assumptions cause i feel #like if u went thru the effort of watching this show in english you probably get the vibes.#also its just over 1000 words. so..#but yeah anyway. feels good to write. this is an essay right? and be able to do the conclusion by just coming down a register of formality #this actually had a different through line 2 edits ago. i was really just trying to say i like that the main characters come off #as different types of aros. thats cool. its good to do that.#also hopefully u all get when i say sakuko passes in certain ways im not saying she isnt those things. passing is about others conceptions #GAH OKAY. ENOUGH AUTHORS NOTE DISCLAIMERS

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wish-i-had-robin-wings · 27 days

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I’m fascinated about the oc stuff you mentioned! I only recently (within the last year) started creating oc’s so I’ve not really thought about creating images of them. I pretty much just save stock photos and photos of celebrities that resemble what I’m imagining, but that can be a pain. I’d love to hear more tips (as well as hearing about some of your oc’s if you’d like to share!)

A beloved mutual, hello!!

It's cool to hear that you're getting into oc stuff, making up little guys is so much fun! You'll have to tell me about yours sometime! I gotta admit though, saving stock and celebrity photos sounds like a hassle :/ I can't imagine what you'd do for a non-human oc…

If you're interested, I have a ton of picrew links I can share (and obviously I can give you ones with more specific aesthetics if you have something in mind, versus just dumping a truckload of random links on you).

I also really like using Heroforge (D&D Minifugre website) to make ocs (D&D related or not). They update pretty regularly so there's always better options (especially for non-human ocs) and colors for more specific customizations. It's especially cool because if you decide you really like it, you can buy your oc as a minifigure (but you can still use the site/save your oc even without buying anything)! I love free websites :3

Lately, I've been focusing on my batch of Minecraft ocs. I was supposed to join a big rp server, but that fell apart so now I'm just 'writing' it all myself. It's been really fun, and I like being able to build an intricate story and characters from a pre-set template that comes with making ocs within a pre-existing world/ruleset (It's just much easier on my busy brain for when I'm not working on my actual original writing or whatever XP). But because of this, I've also been making full Minecraft skins for those ocs. It's pretty much just pixel art, and I am nowhere near the levels of some of the proffesional skin-makers out there, but I've made some pretty cool stuff if I do say so myself!

TL;DR I am not good at art, but my imagination is very hyperactive, so having some of these online resources has helped a ton in just getting something out into the world. I am more than happy to share site links and answer any questions you have about navigating them if you wanna dm me! I'd also loove to talk about all my ocs more, but I know that can be a lot for a tumblr ask…especially if tumblr keeps eating them >:(

Thanks for messaging me, hope this helped some!

(Also, sorry for the weird formatting of this post tumblr is being dumb and I can't fix it for some reason...)

#why do the paragraph breaks look like that and why can't I change their spacing tumblr please the readability #i got an ask!#anyone is free to dm me for links btw #I figure it's easier to dm since I'm sure people will want more specific links #I could just make a master-post with all the links but that seems like too much #maybe if enough people ask idk #also been thinkin bout just making oc posts like I do in my writers/rp discord #I have little oc intros with some picrews for visual purposes #but I also don't wanna be annoying and flood people's dashes with stuff they don't care about #hopefully that all makes sense and isn't too many words...#I tried not to go into too many details bc I was excited lol #also trying not to add too much extra info in the tags like I normally do #especially about my frustration with the minecraft skins #I have so much fun making them and they look so good when they're done #But I am colorblind and never tried pixel art before just jumping into skin making soooo yeah lol #but I'm rambling now oops :3 #anyways!#no cute emojis like usual bc i'm on desktop sad #heroforge #picrew #oc stuff

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stories-of-sliver · 7 months

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#stories of sliver #rain world #rain world spoilers #iterator #looks to the moon #sliver of straw #zz [stories of sliver]#zz's hurried attempt at comfort lol. telling a story #all this bitch know is tell story drink ground water and tell truths #also im not tagging suns because theyre only mentioned? i think im gonna keep up that rule for this. bc like obv sliv moon and other #characters are mentionde a LOT but dont actually get screentime because. theyre died or theyre just not in this group. and i dont wanna put #it in their tags lol #also ill learn how to do next/prev buttons soon i promise #hopefully thatll make it more readable and stuff #oops! tag rambling!

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direwombat · 5 days

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y'know. most of my life i used "rough draft" and "first draft" fairly synonymously but i am realizing that for me they are in fact. two different drafts...

#rough drafts are just getting ideas/emotions/actions onto the page. there's nothing fancy about them and they're barely coherent #they're more like scene play-by-plays. a step above an outline. barely coherent #and a first draft is my first pass at cleaning the rough draft up. start finessing language. making it....readable #hopefully with this realization about my workflow i can just lean into it and maybe write things faster #because i just. haven't been able to do the language finessing recently #but i have had more of a brain for the simpler 'here's what's happening' kind of writing #anyway. spent the lunch break thinking about my writing retreat in july and trying to plan for it

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zestyderg · 11 months

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FINALLY IT'S DONE. FUCK. THIS TOOK FOREVER.

Ok!!! So this is just Todd's experience with being the distraction while Dina looks for everyone's vivosaur medals.

WARNING: Todd gets hurt. Nothing too serious, he'll be fine

Todd approached Wildwest Tower, limbs trembling and heart pounding. Just outside the entrance, he watched as Joe spoke to Ptera, lightly holding its beak with both hands.

He couldn't believe he was about to do this...

The cowboy hadn't noticed him yet. Swallowing thickly, Todd shut his eyes tight for a moment and took a deep breath.

No matter how nervous he was, he had to do this, for everyone's sake.

Todd took a step forward.

"HEY!" He shouted.

Immediately, both Ptera and Joe snapped their heads in Todd's direction, and Todd flinched as two sets of eyes, one tainted a sickly purple, bore into him. Joe tilted his head as he regarded him, before giving Todd a toothy grin.

"Todd! There you are!" Joe shouted enthusiastically. "I was so worried about ya. I keep tellin' y'all to quit runnin' off on me but you ankle-biters never listen! Well, I'm glad that now at least one of m' flaplin's have come to their senses."

Joe took a few steps toward Todd. In turn, Todd took a step back.

"Why don't ya come on inside? It's gettin' late."

Todd was certain that despite being asked, he didn't exactly have a choice in the matter.

He shifted his eyes and stammered, "Uhmmm... I actually w-wanted to... uh- play a game first! Y-yea, that's it."

Joe narrowed his eyes. Todd couldn't stop himself from flinching a little under that intense gaze.

Please take the bait-

"A game? Kid, I still have t' track down yer runaway friends. What makes ya think I have time fer a game?" Joe questioned.

He took another step forward. He was only a few feet away from Todd now.

The boy tensed, inching backwards towards the path to Rainbow Canyon.

"Uh... but it'll be fun! W-we can play hide and seek! A-and after, we can go back to Wildwest Tower, just like you want! ...please?"

Todd shuffled his feet as he watched the gears turn in Joe's head. Not once did the man take his eyes off Todd, and Todd was quite sure that Joe didn't even blink.

"No," Joe answered flatly.

Todd squeaked as Joe suddenly lurched forward, and he spun around and bolted as fast as he could toward Rainbow Canyon. When he didn't hear the thudding of boots hot on his trail, he made the mistake of glancing over his shoulder and nearly shrieked when he saw Ptera diving towards him, Joe upon its back, and scowls of disapproval on both of their faces. Todd quickly veered off to the side, narrowly escaping the grasping claws of the oversized pterosaur. He dodged and weaved through each grab attempt using whatever cover he could until he recognized the beautiful layers of rainbow rock up ahead.

Upon seeing the entrance to Rainbow Canyon, the boy's eyes lit up and he pushed himself to run even faster. Finally, he would have better cover, and Rupert, from his spot somewhere hidden near the top of the canyon, would be able to watch him and keep the others updated.

All he had to do was buy everyone enough time.

Ptera swooped down and around Todd and extended its claws again in an attempt to cut him off. The air-type specialist gunned for the bridge leading into the canyon, and silently thanked the heavens when the pterosaur dove towards Todd but was halted by Joe. Todd knew Joe would not have Ptera potentially collide with the bridge and risk breaking it and making Todd fall.

As he put more distance between himself and Ptera, the boy almost couldn't believe it. So far, the plan was going surprisingly well. He had made it to Rainbow Canyon, had not been caught yet, and better yet, Joe seemed to be struggling a bit to actually get ahold of him. He could do this! He could run for way longer in fact! If Joe really wanted to catch him, he would have to put in the work! Dina will be sure to get everyone's medals back now that Todd had Joe's full attention. With this new burst of confidence, Todd raced on.

But just as Todd got his hopes up, a resounding BOOM rattled him to the very core and Todd spared a glance up at the sky. When had the clouds darkened this much? It was cloudy before but it was not this bad.

Wait.

Oh no.

Oh nonoNONONO-

Suddenly, all the confidence Todd had five seconds ago had vanished, and as he ran he began to feel sick to his stomach. A storm??? On Cranial Isle??? No one had expected this! Cranial Isle was bone-dry! It NEVER rained here! He and his friends didn't prepare for this at all! If it rained, the cliffs would be slippery, and... Todd tried to stop thinking about it. He needed a hiding spot. He couldn't just keep running. Not now.

The landscape lit up a brilliant pale blue as lightning raked across the dark sky. Ptera and Joe were once again in hot pursuit, and the first few droplets of rain had begun to fall from the clouds above. Todd's lungs began to burn as though Igno itself had set them ablaze, and his legs ached badly.

More and more droplets beat down on him, a light drizzle warping into a total downpour all too quickly. It was getting harder to see and one glance behind him showed that even his pursuers were becoming annoyed with the bad weather. He could just make out Joe clinging to his hat, and Ptera's eyes were squinted in irritation.

Those few seconds he took to look back were just long enough that he failed to notice the jutted rock just ahead of him, and he only noticed it just as the rock had scraped his leg. Todd hissed, stumbling forwards as he slipped on the wet stone beneath his feet. To his utter terror, he lost his footing completely, falling hard just on the edge of a steep cliff, and was met with the sight of the floor of the canyon dizzyingly far below him. He hastily scrambled to his feet when he noticed Joe and Ptera barreling down on him again, and desperately he searched for a hiding spot, ANY hiding spot. Joe was gonna GET him if he didn't find one!

As if on cue, Ptera cawed as it prepared to make yet another attempt to grab Todd. The boy forced himself to move, his wobbly, achy legs carrying him down a tight path into the lower levels of the canyon as he felt a claw lightly brush against his back.

There was another crash of thunder throughout the canyon and Todd jumped with a startled squeak. He was practically half running, half sliding along the narrow path at this point and had to grip various jagged stones to keep himself from slipping again. He ignored the stinging pain that came from his palms, and charged on through the storm.

The rest of the path up ahead proved incredibly harrowing to traverse. The wind had gotten worse, and it threatened to blow him straight off of solid ground and let him plummet to his doom below. A powerful gust slammed into him like Goyle's Wind Spear, forcing him to flatten himself again the canyon wall, and a familiar weight was suddenly pulled clean from Todd's head. The watery assault on his previously dry hair confirmed the worst.

His hat was gone.

With no time to grieve the loss of his beloved hat, Todd trudged on, finally passing that treacherous stretch of cliffside and onto a far safer part of Rainbow Canyon. He watched as Ptera struggled more to keep itself and its rider airborne. Still it made another dive for him and Todd managed to duck behind a boulder just in the nick of time, smirking to himself when large feet collided with stone and Ptera croaked in frustration.

It was a small relief that even now he managed to thwart Joe, and it was probably the only good thing to come from all this, but he couldn't keep this up for much longer. He was running out of energy. He needed a place to hide, and fast.

Then he saw it.

Just as he turned a corner, Todd laid his eyes on the mouth of a cave, big enough for a person to get in. Without further thought he made a mad dash for it. He could just barely hear Joe roar his name over the raging storm around them.

He hoped Rupert was watching...

As he stumbled into the cave, his eyes quickly scanned the place for somewhere to wedge himself into. Luckily for him, he found a hole in the back of the small cave, one he was certain he could fit in without too much trouble.

He promptly squeezed himself inside and finally he allowed himself to catch his breath, greedily taking in as much air as his poor overworked lungs could handle.

He laid there pitifully. He was sopping wet, and he had begun to tremble. Now that the adrenaline of being chased was wearing off, the heat had drained entirely from his tiny body, like he had been touched by Frigi itself. He didn't want to move. Everything hurt. If some part of him didn't ache it was because it was covered in small wounds that stung instead.

His eyes shifted to look at the huge scrape on his leg. On closer inspection Todd recoiled a bit when he noticed that no, it was a cut. A deep one, if he had to guess. It stung the worst out of all his injuries. At least it didn't bleed.

Todd closed his eyes for a moment. He was tired. So, so tired.

This was the WORST idea his friends had ever come up with! He hoped this would all be worth it in the end, and that this stupid plan WORKED or he WILL kick Dina's butt for this.

Todd clutched his knees close to his chest and sniffled. He contemplated on all the events that led to this point. He wanted things to be normal again. He wanted his friends. He wanted his vivosaurs. He wanted Barbaros. He wanted the old Joe, not this scary, murderous, overbearing man that wanted to keep him in Caliosteo forever. He wanted his idol back.

Suddenly, a thud from outside of Todd's little hidey-hole snapped him out of his thoughts. He could just barely make out the rustling of leather, and then for a few moments, that was it. Nothing but the onslaught of rain outside.

"Todd," came that familiar drawl. Todd held his breath.

"I know yer in here, Todd. Ya done runnin' from me now?"

The thumping of platformer boots on hard stone drew near. Todd pressed himself against the wall as much as he could. He could hear Joe growl. A whimper escaped Todd's throat, and he stiffened.

Shit.

It was silent again, and Todd watched the entrance to his hiding spot with wide, anxious eyes, waiting for any sign of movement.

To his horror, a long arm reached inside, its gloved hand slowly, methodically, began to feel around.

Feel around for him.

Oh nonono this was bad! Really bad!

Despite Todd's best efforts to keep his distance, he couldn't go further back, so Joe's hand simply came closer and closer, until it lightly rested upon his injured leg. The poor boy fliched involuntarily at the touch. Suddenly, the gloved hand tightly gripped him, and Todd yelped as he was forcefully dragged from his hiding spot and put face to face with Joe Wildwest.

"There you are!" Joe hissed, his teeth bared. As he spoke, small whisps of dark purple vapor trailed from his mouth.

That was new... and horrifying.

Todd shrunk away from the cowboy. He did not want to know what the vapor meant, but judging by every other new thing to happen to Joe, it was probably very bad.

Joe's eyes swept over the boy. He quickly took notice of the scrapes and small cuts on Todd's hands, but his gaze really lingered on the very large wound on his leg. Joe's face flashed with anger.

"Yer HURT?! What in th' hell did I tell ya earlier?! I told ya to come inside, that I didn't have time t' play yer little game. But ya just had to ignore me and make me come after ya. If ya just listened to me, this WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED. I saw ya nearly slip an' fall, and yet ya still ran when I tried to save ya. WHAT WERE YA THINKIN', KID?!" Joe's harsh tone and the sheer volume of his voice made Todd curl in on himself.

Ooohhhh Joe was REALLY mad at him now! Joe had never yelled at him before. It was scary when the staff were yelled at but it was mortifying now that Joe directed his anger towards him. He DID run from Joe and send him on what must have been a very frustrating goose chase for him. What would Joe do to him? Would he punish him somehow? He was WARNED that Joe was volatile and that he could turn on him and his friends at any moment. Would Joe hurt him now? The man he looked up to and respected above all else, a legendary fossil fighter who saved his life before, now dangerous and unpredictable, might actually try to hurt or even KILL him. The worst part? He wouldn't be able to stop him.

Todd felt as though he'd been torn to shreds by the cutting winds of Ptera's Great Vortex itself. He tried to blink away tears and keep himself from trembling even more, but all his efforts to look brave and stay somewhat composed were in vain. After a shuddering breath, Todd just fell apart.

"I-I'm suh-sORRYYY!" He wailed in-between sobs that began to wrack his body.

The man went still, eyes wide with shock, and after a moment his face softened.

"Aw, Todd, c'mere," Joe gently pulled the kid to his chest. "My flaplin'," He soothingly ran his fingers through Todd's damp hair and wrapped him up in his coat. "Easy, small fry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean t' yell."

Todd sat there nestled in Joe's arms for quite a while. Joe murmured words of comfort to the young fighter, and Todd unconsciously clung tightly to the very much still-wet cowboy. It was only after he exhausted his supply of tears that the realization dawned on him.

Wait, he was ok? Joe wasn't gonna hurt him? He fretted over nothing?

After many shaky, deep breaths to better calm himself, Todd glanced up at Joe, wiping at his puffy eyes. The violet hues that nearly overtook the blue in Joe's own eyes had seemed to receed quite a bit. Those piercing yet glazed pale pupils remained the same though.

"That was a mighty big risk ya took to keep runnin' in a storm like that, Todd. Nearly gave me a heart attack, ya did. Scared Ptera, too. I don't want ya pullin' a stunt like that again, ya hear? An' listen when I tell ya not to do somethin'. I only want ya safe."

Todd nodded.

He didn't have the energy to do much else. He was exhausted. Joe had finally caught him, and Joe, as much as he didn't want to admit it, was warm. Todd felt slightly bad about having to stop Joe. Right now, he seemed rather calm, had not harmed him, and he was pretty cozy. Todd couldn't help but relax a little.

"I can't get us back to Wildwest Tower now. The storm's real bad, we have t' wait until it calms down before we can leave. Once we get back I'm patchin' ya up right away! That leg o' yours ain't lookin' too good," Joe explained. "Then I'm goin' back to lookin' for yer friends, and if I see those backstabbin' staff leader fuckers with 'em I'll rip 'em limb from limb." Joe's grip on Todd tightened.

Todd worryingly shot another glance up at Joe. Once again the purple taint tried to choke out the deep sapphire blue in his eyes. The boy wilted a little.

"And then, we can be safe an' happy, here in Caliosteo. Just me and m' flaplin's," the elder fighter cooed.

The only one who'd truly feel safe and happy with that arrangement is you...

Todd shuddered at the possibility of Joe actually succeeding in making sure it was just him, Todd, and Todd's friends together in Caliosteo for seemingly forever, and he especially dreaded the idea of the poor staff leaders being murdered by Joe. He felt sick to his stomach again just thinking about it. The last thing Terry, Stella, and Kent deserved was to be torn apart by a very unreasonably angry and controlling cowboy. Joe definitely needed to be stopped. The plan was important. Well, if they're gonna be stuck here for a little while then that just buys Dina even more time, so it was fine by Todd, even if he had mixed feelings about being stuck alone with Joe.

As he listened to the rain outside, he wondered how Rupert was doing. Sitting out in the rain and being forced to keep watch to ensure Joe didn't come back to find Dina raiding his tower probably wasn't fun.

Todd's eyes grew heavy. He really didn't want to sleep here, tightly wrapped up in the arms of a very much not normal Joe Wildwest in a random cave in Rainbow Canyon during a bad storm. Joe humming while he continued to comb his fingers through Todd's hair did not help in the slightest.

His poor exhausted body begged for sleep, and with a yawn Todd found himself burrowing his face into Joe's chest, breathing in the almost comforting scent of leather.

His eyes began to flutter shut. He hoped that when he awoke, Dina had found their medals, that they would be able to stop Joe and find a way to finally get him back to normal. For now though he'll allow Joe to hold him, just this once.

#zesty's ramblings #zesty tries to write something #the corrupted joe au #not putting this in main tags #Todd is not having a great time #for anyone wondering: rupert isn't either #I made like a dozen different revisions to this so hopefully it's readable now

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