#honestly it could be mtf it depends on how you want to read it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dailydegurechaff · 4 months

Note

I wanted to know how do you interpret Tanya's gender. After reading chapter 58 of the manga i got the impression that she is definitely trans coded, but maybe thats just me

Very good question.

To be honest, when I think too hard about Tanya’s gender (and sexuality, for that matter) it gives me brain worms. Fun brain worms, but brain worms nonetheless. I can’t explain it. Everything she’s got going on is complicated as shit there’s way too much to think about.

Like, she was a man, but now she's a girl. But at some points she says she still sees herself as a man internally so is this MtFtM? How does that work. And if she accepts she's a woman now, is that just MtF or do we add more letters. More importantly: Was Being X being Transphobic or being the Greatest Trans Ally of All Time with the free divinely issued sex change.

Ok ok, jokes aside. Confession: I actually do not keep up with the manga, so I had to go find the chapter and read it first. Having read it now though, I see what you mean.

The conversation she has with the Salaryman/herself in that chapter really does read as essentially saying “I’ve accepted who I am now.” It’s a far cry from a much earlier part of the manga I remember where she has a breakdown about being a man/people seeing her as a girl.

A friend of mine was actually showing me stuff from more recent chapters of the manga (don’t know which chapter tragically, but I know it’s not currently translated to English) and from what I gathered of it, Being X was showing Tanya a dream of being back in her past life and in response she basically demanded to go back to being Tanya immediately. It is definitely not just you, I 100% see the trans-coding you’re talking about.

As for my personal interpretation of her gender, I touched very briefly on it once before, but I honestly think she wouldn’t want to label herself as anything. At first, this is out of hesitance and not wanting to acknowledge that anything might be ““wrong”” or ““different”” about her. Later on it turns into character growth, more along the lines of, “I don’t need the label to define me, I just am what I am/like what I like. I don’t care about it any more than that.” Yes this is 100% projection on my part. No, I won’t apologize for it lmao.

Of course, that's entirely my own headcanon. I definitely am not saying it’s the only way to interpret her, it’s just my personal thoughts. Especially since my opinion is subject to change on a dime depending on what I’m reading/working on myself. The Tanya gender is, in fact, transient, shifting like water.

Like. A transfem Tanya fic that focuses on her adapting to life in her new world and coming to discover she doesn’t actually hate her new body? I’d totally read that. I’ve seen a few fics that include that as a part of the narrative and those scenes of acceptance were among my favorite parts.

I get the feeling this is the route that the manga is going as well. It’s a bit of a shame that we don't have those aforementioned scenes in the light novel (or at least, I don't remember them), but I don’t think that Carlo Zen really intended that to be the focus/narrative in the first place. And honestly, I also think that’s a good thing because it allows for so much more room for interpretation and headcanon around Tanya’s character.

Anyway, the other direction is also compelling to me. A transmasc Tanya fic where, after feeling uncomfortable and hating how feminine he looks for years and years, he finally goes ‘Fuck this, I’m gonna go back to being a man’? I would read the fuck out of that too.

Could also be paired with him finally choosing to defect, where they think about it like, ‘Well there’s nothing to hold me back now, right? I don’t have to maintain appearances anymore. Also, since I’m defecting this would be a great way to hide myself. They’d all be looking for the wrong person. Two birds with one stone, how efficient.’ …Now we’re getting to fic ideas I won’t ever get to so it’s time to move on I think.

Semi-related to the Trans Tanya Concept, this actually brings me to a bit of a lore/headcanon/idea/question I want to present to the public for opinions. In Norden, during the inciting battle of the war, Tanya uses magic to “dope up” so she could enhance her strength and reaction time and kill pain. I took this to mean she used a formula to synthesize the narcotics/adrenaline hormone/whatever else directly into herself, right?

Can you see where I’m going with this? As long as you know which hormones to make, how they’re made up, and what quantities you need… Well, don’t you think magic HRT is completely possible? Of course, as I'm not sure it makes sense for Salaryman to have known the detailed specifics about it from the modern world, it would require a lot of in-universe research/science advancement for someone to actually do that, but theoretically...

The magic system in this universe has so much potential to be explored, I’m fascinated by what you can theoretically do with it. Although, this is long and off-topic already I think this should be the end, lol.

I think I talked too much? I’m sorry, you were probably not expecting such an answer. I told you, Tanya gives me brain worms (mental illness).

I guess the TL;DR is this: that kid definitely ain’t cishet.

#marathehomosexual #ask #not a daily post #you could ask me a simple yes or no question and i would STILL find a way to make the answer multi-paragraph #i STILL have things to talk about. im just choosing to throw it in the tags now #LIKE. if synthesizing hormones is something completely possible in universe #is birth control possible as well? how about anti-depressants?#how far can we go with this? can you get addicted to these magic-synthetic chemicals/hormones/whatever?#say you need a little pick me up in the day. you give yourself a little boost in the happy-brain-chemicals (dopamine or whatever)#(im not a biologist or knowledgeable about most biology-related things honestly. please just go with it)#would a mages body start to rely on magic to produce it and stop creating it naturally anymore?#could this create a dependency? would you start to need to make more?#its insane. i feel insane #you ask me a simple question and i refuse to stop elaborating #rimu be quiet now

60 notes · View notes

cross-d-a · 3 years

Text

fic tag game

aaahhh @vishcount thank you for tagging me!!! These are so fun and I adored reading about your fic journey~! ೖ(⑅σ̑ᴗσ̑)ೖ ❤

OH as a note!! For the ppl I tag at the end I don’t expect you to read all of this bc it’s A Lot!!! but I figured you might want to do this game yourself? haha :)

Name: cross-d-a shortened version of my first ever username. unfortunately stuck with it now haha but i’m fond of it :p wish it was cuter tho!!

Posting the rest of this under the cut so it doesn’t eat up people’s dashes!!

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Fandoms:

oKAY YIKES there are....honestly too many too name. I’ve got a short and obsessive attention span so it’s either all or nothing with me usually. When I can stay in a fandom for a long period of time it’s a miracle. I’ll name the bigger ones that I’ve all written fic for! Even if I’ve never posted them haha

Right now I’m very firmly into Daomu Biji (dmbj). It feels like it’s both got a crap ton of content and yet barely anything at all haha. Maybe because the English fandom is so small. But at least there are a bunch of dramas and books!!! I really, really, really adore dmbj so much!! And a large part of that is the fandom!!! It's been a really cool and unique experience! Everyone in it is truly so kind and wonderful, and I’ve made some really incredible friends because of it (looking at you vish!! ❤). I’ve got a bunch of wips, but I’ve only posted two fics for dmbj!

Before this I was very into Guardian and mdzs. MDZS was my first foray into cdramas and Guardian’s Zhu Yilong really suckered me into watching more haha I also have fics for both these fandoms!

My very first fandoms were Fullmetal Alchemist, D. Gray-Man and Naruto. My very old ffnet account has fics for these and I’ve got a bunch of newer wips on my tablet. Then Star Trek, Twilight, BBC Merlin, Sherlock, Death Note, Harry Potter, How to Train Your Dragon, Battlestar Galactica, Avatar the Last Airbender and Marvel were a few of my main ones in high school. Plus a bunch of anime (like Fruits Basket! and Kuroshitsuji and Natsume Yuujinchou).

Then college hit and I renewed my childhood love of Tolkien (mainly lotr and the Hobbit), and Star Wars. I also found Teen Wolf! Then after college it was Stranger Things.

I find myself in a cycle of mild fondness and complete obsession with these fandoms haha I go back to Star Wars at least once a year!! Then I’m in the gffa hole for a few months. Marvel also reoccurs, depending on how interested I am in new content! Star Trek I always always always go back to. TOS is my comfort show and it will never fade from my heart ❤

But for now I’m stuck in cdrama hell and I love it

Tropes:

Time travel, found family, whump+hurt/comfort, fairytale-like elements, resurrective immortality (thanks to a “Nine Lives” Hobbit fic), CROSSOVERS

I’m a slut for all these things so they often worm their way into my plots haha

I also just- love weird premises. I think that’s the anime influencing me haha

Fic I spent most time on:

My series he leaves sand and stardust in my wake (main fic is hurricane on the edge of oblivion), I have...spent five years on now. I have done so much research for this fic it’s insane.

The premise is force ghost!Obi-Wan getting shunted back into his tiny 10 year old self. I incorporate a shit ton of legends and I try to stay as canon as possible. I basically want this au to feel like it’s 1000% plausible while still getting all my gay shit. It’s chock full of whump, redemption, found family, minor characters turning into major characters, and I’ve got slavery uprising on the mind, too. It’s just- everything I could ever want to explore in the Star Wars universe basically.

It’s my first big project. I started doodling and scribbling ideas in the margins of my notebook in my Scottish History class. I adore it so so so much. But, because of my hyperfixation and fleeting intense obsession with things it makes it- really difficult to consistently update. I leave it for months at a time and I am constantly guilt-ridden about it. Because it’s my baby and I have a lot of wonderful readers. I fear I’ll never be able to finish it. Especially since I’ve written so much and I’m still only in the beginning of it. ( ; A ; )

Also, I’ve spent so much time with Xanatos, Feemor and Bruck that they just feel like mine now. I can’t read any fics that involve them, it’s too strange. Which is a damn shame because I love them so much haha OH ALSO!! I think it’s the first really big fic to include those three?? So I’m very proud about that haha (I’ve had so many ppl comment about how they actually Give A Shit about these three and are Invested bc of me haha)

Favorite fic(s) you’ve written:

hurricane on the edge of oblivion (with nowhere to go) (Star Wars)

My long-term passion project. My love-letter to Star Wars, I suppose. Reading it now I feel like a lot of it is clunky or long-winded, but I think it really shows the foundation of my writing today :) Main characters are Obi-Wan, Xanatos Du Crion, Qui-Gon Jinn, Bruck Chun and Feemor. Eventually we’ll get to Maul, Savage, Feral, Shmi Skywalker, (more!) Ahsoka, Anakin and a shit ton of clones ❤

things we hunger for (Guardian)

My Ye Zun self-indulgent fic. It’s a time travel amnesia Weilanzun! Honestly has some of my fav writing I’ve ever done. It’s so soft and really indulges in the hurt/comfort. It gives Ye Zun the friends and family I think he deserves. Also, he gets to grow into a (mostly!) functional person and I adore him.

the beast that slumbers within your soul (mdzs)

Jiang Cheng centric fic!! I feel like all my favourite fics I’ve written are love letters haha. This is one def my love letter to Jiang Cheng. This fic possessed me for two whole days. I wrote 16k in almost one sitting. I went to sleep at 6 in the morning bc I couldn’t stop writing. And when I drifted off I kept thinking of new ideas so I’d whip out my phone and write down lines and notes. I- have never ever ever felt that way about anything. It was- insane. It felt insane. It was so amazing. I’m still riding the memory of that high.

Basically Jiang Cheng actually finds Baoshan Sanren and it turns out she’s a fox demon and Jiang Cheng is descended from wolves. It’s- okay I said the fic above this had my favourite writing?? That was a lie. This has my favourite writing I’ve ever done. It’s unfinished bc I am in dmbj hell but I am still excited about the next chapter which features Wei Wuxian’s pov!!

the whispers of spirits (dmbj)

My current passion project. In a way it kinda feels similar to hurricane? Bc multiple povs, incorporating different aspects of canon (we’ll get there!! I promise!), shit ton of research, etc. etc. I really really really love it for so many reasons. I’m basically taking all the things I was unsatisfied with in Reboot and Sha Hai and running with it. Found family and whump galore! It’s also a love letter to the women of dmbj who really deserve so so so much better.

Honourable mention to:

One Day (you’ll have given more of yourself than is meant to be taken) (Marvel)

This fic also kinda possessed me. I just- couldn’t get rid of the idea of a trans!Thor. And I mean a mtf Thor! It’s just? So many people look at Thor and go “that’s a Real Man.” Full stop. They never think there could be anything more, and it really really really bothered me. So I wrote out my feelings. I’m not trans. I don’t have that experience at all. I’ve had issues and confusion about my gender but nothing like this. I just wanted to do justice to this idea of Thor in my head. And I still feel a bit nervous having posted it. But I've gotten so many comments from people who really connected with what I’ve written? So I’m very very thankful I wrote it and it has a very special place in my heart. It’s a very cathartic fic.

Fic I spent least time on:

Probably we rise (Star Wars) and I think it shows haha. I wrote it in response to Dave Filoni posting a drawing of Ahsoka and Gandalf telling her “People thought I was dead, too, and look how that turned out...” So I incorporated Ahsoka (and Din and Grogu and Ezra!!!) into the ending of Rise of Skywalker, kinda explaining how I think they could all still be alive. :)

Longest fic:

hurricane is my longest fic (159k) but I’m kinda worried whispers will eclipse that.....

Shortest fic:

Of my posted ones it’s The Five Moments it Took Tony and Scott to Admit They Were Best Friends (and the first time they ever did), currently clocks at 1.6k. It’s unfinished tho so maybe that doesn’t count.... otherwise it’s we rise which is completed and 2k.

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks:

hurricane overall has the most of all these. Though I don’t think hits counts as much bc it’s multi-chapter. If you discount multi-chapter stuff, most hits goes to my obikin smutfic Homecoming, bc people are horny af haha

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on:

If I had energy I’d like to rewrite the beginning of hurricane bc it feels so so wordy. I’d want to expand on One Day bc I really would like to write a whole series with trans!Thor. And like- I’d really like the focus to finish any of my WIPs.

Share a bit of a WIP: I really wanna share my Guardian/dmbj crossover that I started back in August. Bc I adore the idea of wu xie&shen wei&ye zun triplets! Plus time travel!!! I dunno if I’ll ever finish it tho ( ; A ; ) It just feels like a lot to deal with right now.

This scene takes place during the Mountain Awl arc. Guardian crew and desperado fam run across each other at the village! Wu Xie has recently found out that he’s adopted and he’s searching for answers in the area Sanshu originally found amnesiac!toddler!Wu Xie in :) Gonna pull two snippets bc I’m v excited and this might be the only time anyone else sees this fic haha:

“Oh?” Pangzi focuses on Yunlan now, lips twisting. “You think I’ve ‘got the wrong guy,’ huh?” He laughs, but it’s not a nice sound. “That’s rich! Are you that cocky or are you just stupid?”

Bristling, Yunlan drops his hands and scowls. “Excuse me?”

“Sir,” Shen Wei tries. “I think—”

Pangzi’s eyes snap back to Shen Wei, sharp and blazing. “How dare you fucking steal his face!”

What?

Automatically, Zhao Yunlan turns to Shen Wei, but the professor looks just as shell-shocked as Zhao Yunlan feels which- is seriously something. Since everything about Shen Wei is so carefully controlled, kept to the minimum. Except for those delightful little smiles that bloom across his lovely face, or the startled little bursts of laughter that fall from his lips. Or even when anger and frustration spark across his features, cracking his calm veneer open enough that he can see a glimmer of what lies beneath, the fire in those eyes. Zhao Yunlan delights in those moments, makes a game of making Shen Wei’s control slip.

He tells himself it’s nothing more than a game. Nothing more than trying to find out what makes Shen Wei tick.

Zhao Yunlan’s always been very bad at lying to himself. Or very good. Depending on who you’re asking.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Yunlan splutters.

But before anyone can say anything else, a very familiar voice calls:

“Pangzi? What’s wrong?”

Yunlan can feel Shen Wei stiffen, and Yunlan himself is pulled to that voice like a planet in orbit, like the inevitable plummet to the ground.

Another shadow wavers in the doorway before it steps out onto the dirt. Light illuminates shaggy hair, limning it gold, sharply casting everything else in shadow. But as the figure nears, the contrast softens until Yunlan can see the newcomer’s face properly and- and—

“Wu Xie!” Pangzi growls. “We’ve got ourselves an impostor!”

The man wearing Shen Wei’s face steps up to them, brows furrowed and mouth pulled down into a sharp frown. He glances between them, eyes landing on Shen Wei. His scowl deepens. He opens his mouth, but then—

“Wu Xie?” Shen Wei breathes, all trembly and lost and hopeless.

Heart in his throat, Yunlan turns to Shen Wei again. Turns and flinches at that stricken look upon Shen Wei’s pale pinched face.

“A-Xie?” Shen Wei chokes. “Didi?”

and

Pangzi snorts. “Professor?”

“I-it’s true!”

Startled Yunlan swings his attention over to Jiajia who clenches her backpack to her chest, face screwed up in admirable determination. “P-professor Shen took me and Xiao Quan on a field trip to investigate an archeological site around here!”

“Oh?” Wu Xie drawls all slow and amused. “Well, what a coincidence. We’re archeologists, too.”

“With guns?” Yunlan bites out.

Wu Xie raises a brow, grin full of teeth. “Well, you can never be too prepared.”

“Right,” Yunlan drawls right back. “Are you a professor, too, then? You come here with your students?”

Wu Xie outright grins. “You could say that, I suppose.”

Out of the corner of his eye, one of the men rolls his eyes. He’s the one with sharp features, glasses and looped earbuds. Does he think it’s appropriate to listen to music at a time like this? Yunlan admires the man’s gall.

aahhhh vish thanks so much again for tagging me!! This was so fun to relive my fic memories!! I’m gonna tag @alwaysaslutforshakespeare @jockvillagersonly @tehfanglyfish @lichelleme @undyingsunshine @humanlighthouse @thewindsofsong I’m curious about your guys’ writing and fandom journey!! As always, no pressure to actually complete this!! I just thought it was fun ❤

Wow if you read all of this I am very humbled and impressed, thank you!!

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

#cross talks #my fic #fanfiction #uhhh what else do i tag this as i dunno #about me #cross posts #wip fic

14 notes · View notes

souprights · 4 years

Text

DIY for Transmasc Minors/Those still living with unsupportive family

For context, I'm just turned 17, still living with my parents and live in the USA. This is just my experience! It may not be the best/easiest way to go about DIYing. I'm going to do my best to make this as comprehensive as possible, and please let me know if anything if incorrect or if I should add anything.

Firstly, if you're under the age of 16, I don't recommend this at all!! DIY should be a last-ditch effort, after you've tried all else. Please seek therapy, a supportive friend group, and a good community before turning to illegal means, because, yes, purchasing and being in possession of T without a script is illegal.

What's it Gonna Cost?

For cost, you're going to need about $60 - $115 of reliable income a month. Depending on the site you use, and how many millilitres of (injectable) T you purchase, that's going to vary, but $60 is the typical minimum I can find. Don't forget shipping is going to be around $15-30.

This only includes the T!! Don't forget you're going to need needles, bandaids, and alcohol swabs if you're injecting, as well as blood tests.

What Kind of T?

Whether you use gel or injections is entirely up to you and your comfort. However, please avoid orals! Those are just gonna wreck your liver, no matter how painlessly tempting they may be.

Gels run more expensive, but with injectable, there's extra purchases/packages to be had.

Hang On, Blood Tests?

To make sure your levels are in a safe/normal range, you're going to need a blood test. If possible, look for Quest or LabCorp-esque places to get proper bloods done. I was too nervous to do that, given how closely my parents track my every move while I'm not at home, so settle for finger prick at-home tests if necessary. Unless the site advertises Discreet Packaging, I highly recommend having these sent to a friend and picking them up at school/when hanging out.

Do one before starting T, one at Month One, Two and Three, respectively. Based on your levels, adjust or figure out your dose. If everything is typical at Month Three, you don't have to test again till Month Six. After that, check at your One Year mark, then yearly thereafter.

Where/How Do I Get All This?

eroids.com is the first place I turn to when looking for places to order T. You can read reviews for each site listed, and get an average rating from people who've used the sites. If you want to go for gels, I suggest poking around Reddit and finding other people who've DIYed with gel, and asking them for their opinions and recommendations. Make an informed decision no matter what you choose, and spend PLENTY of time researching.

For needles, bandaids, and alcohol swabs I honestly just use Amazon. MAKE SURE you mark your order as a gift, or else you're probably going to run into the issue of the packaging being marked with "medical supplies." Imagine your overbearing parents seeing that and ripping open your package, and immediately assuming you're spending your days in back alleys shooting up. Not fun. Take my word, and learn from my mistake.

As for bloods, just poke around till you find a test that takes your free T and total T both, or go somewhere and have it done proper.

Now, you might try using a PO box to not worry about your family seeing any packages arriving, or having it sent to a friend with more relaxed/accepting parents. Later in the year (when I'm doing this) using the approaching gift-giving holidays to keep people out of your parcels might be plausible. Or maybe your family doesn't care. Ultimately, imagine the worst case scenario and judge what to do knowing your own situation.

Okay, But....Bitcoin

Ah, yes. Daunting, tricky Bitcoin. Majority of sites only accept Bitcoin as payment. But I swear it's not as bad or hard as it sounds. Your first issue is honestly going to be finding somewhere that doesn't require you to be 18+ to purchase it. Now, don't worry too much. For me, I got my older sister to put in all her details, and I just used my money to make purchases. You can do the same with an 18+ friend, relative, or relative of a friend's. Or, send an 18+ friend's CashApp the money necessary to make a Bitcoin purchase and transfer for you.

Now, my first order of T was only about $60, with shipping and everything, since I only bought 4ml total to begin with. If you buy a bigger vial, it's going to cost more. $60 was as much as I could spend without making my parents suspicious (they keep an eye on my bank account), so if you have a similar problem or a smaller spending threshold of concern, don't worry. Just spend your max threshold on buying Bitcoin as often as you can. The Bitcoin will be stored for you to compile and use later. Keep in mind its value may go down, so buy a bit extra if you're saving up over time.

I use an app called Edge to handle all my Bitcoin transactions. It's simple, easy, and you can use a card, a direct bank transfer, Apple Pay or Cash (if there's a Bitcoin ATM near you--no worries, there's a handy map in the app itself to lead you to the nearest one of those). I used Apple Pay, so unfortunately, I can't help with any other methods than that. You can also use CashApp, but Edge's verification went much much faster, and I was not in the mood to wait a few extra days.

There's going to be a fee, usually outlined before you select your payment type. I included that in the cost of the T above, which might be more or less.

And lastly, it's not instant. It usually takes a few hours, but if it's more than a few days, reach out to customer support.

Each site lists instructions with how to send payment once ordered. Just follow their instructions, and talk to them if you have any trouble. They're usually more than happy to help you send them money.

So I've ordered my T

Shipping times are going to vary!! Keep this in mind. If you used eroids, users typically include shipping time in their reviews. This may influence which site you pick. Domestic sites tend to have faster shipping and don't risk customs seizing your pack--if customs seizes a pack with an illegal substance, you're going to get a letter. That's pretty hard to find an excuse out of, way closer to impossible.

Typical processing times are 2-5 days, but may vary a little, depending on things that may include a lovely little pandemic. Shipping is typically 1-2 weeks for domestic sites, 3-5 weeks for international. Shipping prices tend not to vary much, however, no matter where the warehouse is.

Hiding Changes

This is going to be the tricky part. I've known some people to only go on T for three months or so, as to get some changes to reduce dysphoria, but not have family members notice. If you spend a lot of time around family, the changes are gradual and they might not notice. But keep your own safety in mind above all else. What's the worst that's going to happen if your family confronts you over your changes? How long will you be able to write off your voice as "a cold" before someone wises up? How much longer are you going to be staying with your family?

I'm out to my unsupportive family, so despite being discouraged from any transition of any sort, any and all voice changes I'm writing off as voice training. Facial hair? Minoxidil. More muscle? I've been working out. These may or may not be things you can use, so consider carefully.

Aside from your voice and facial hair, there won't be anything too difficult to hide or write off. Shave your facial hair away as soon as you get up if it develops/needs to be hidden. Consider and compile a list of excuses as to why your voice is changing in case of questions.

Hiding Supplies

This is going to depend a lot on your house and situation. Do you have animals, parents or siblings who invade your spaces and find your hidey holes? A piece of advice I read in an MtF guide to DIY is to hide something you won't get in trouble for where you plan on hiding your hormones, and see if anyone finds it over a few weeks. Repeat until somewhere safe is scouted.

I have small cardboard boxes I keep under my bed, in a cabinet I have in my room, and on my desk. Only bandaids are kept on the box on my desk. But the other places I hide things have an equal distribution of my supplies, so even if someone finds one box, I'll be able to continue HRT.

Try to keep your T much better hidden than other supplies. I'm in an arts-focused degree in college, and a very artistic person, so I've managed to write off needles and syringes as pieces to build a 3D art project for a portfolio. Try to find an excuse to use if your needles are found. Maybe the art thing works for you, maybe not.

Consider taking precautionary measures of removing/covering labels of your T if you're using an injectable kind. You might be able to get away with calling it a prop of some kind, for a TikTok video or something if it's found.

Disposing of Needles/Wrappers/Etc

Alright, so you've done your first shot of T, or applied your first gel packet. Congrats! Now, how to hide the evidence? Firstly, for gels, it won't be too difficult. Just use a plastic grocery bag and fill it with other miscellaneous rubbish and mix the wrappers in with that. Toss the tied bag in your own bin, or a neighbour's bin if that's safer. If that's not possible, do so at school.

Needles are a more tricky circumstance. If you're able to purchase and safely dispose a sharps bin, 100% do that. If you're in a place like me and that's not possible, go and buy some soda with twist-top lids, or get them from friends. Once the bottle is empty, you can toss needles into there. In my experience, 1ml syringes and the small needles used for T injections fit in these 500ml bottles no issue. I throw these sealed bottles in the bin once they're full. I know this isn't proper disposable, but I'm unable to get a sharps bin.

Never throw exposed needles into the bin, or leave them somewhere anyone or anything could possibly be exposed to them.

For T bottles, I've only ever found one site that sells it in containers smaller than 10ml. I'm not sure if the 10ml bottles would fit into the soda bottles or not, so follow the same procedure as disposing of gel wrappers. If that's not possible, use a sharp knife to cut open your soda bottle at the widest part and put the bottle in there, before using a strong adhesive tape (not scotch tape--duct tape or something similar) to seal the incision before disposing of it.

In Conclusion

I've left out a list of the changes T causes, and starting doses, because those are all easy things to find, which you probably know already. Regardless of what this small guide says, please keep your own safety in mind and do as much research as possible before moving forward with DIY, and know that I'm no kind of professional, and all this is based off my tiny bit of experience.

As of the original posting of this, I haven't yet started T. I'm going to start in about two weeks, however, and have gathered everything necessary. I may update this guide further as I take T.

#ftm #trans #ftm minor #t #testosterone #transition #reblog

11 notes · View notes

silverjirachi · 4 years

Note

Do u rly 100% believe ur not a woman? If u dont mind sharing how did u figure that out? How can u separate urself from ur body like that? We r our bodies! I cant wrap my mind around it even tho I have dysphoria. Also women are the most oppressed class of people 2 this day so it seems really really stupid 2 let our oppressors claim womanhood. We r all born from vaginas. How do people ignore history & reality? Is pretending ur not who u r a coping mechanism? Wouldnt accepting ur body b healthier?

Hi there! I considered not answering this because I don’t want to fan flames or stir discourse because I don’t want other people to get wrapped up into something that is 100% about me. I try really hard to cultivate a positive, lighthearted environment in all of my online presences. But honestly your ask isn’t worded hatefully, and I think what I have to say is important and might help someone else, so I’m going to answer it. But I probably won’t answer anything else and there better not be any funny business in these notes. If there is, I would like to politely ask people not to engage with it. Please leave me, and everyone else in these notes, alone. I am writing this for me, to answer your question about me, and I’m writing this in case there’s a baby enby out there who is exactly like me who who needs to read this today.

With that disclaimer aside...,

Yes, I really do 100% believe I am not a woman. I unfortunately cannot easily explain how without falling into the traps of words like masculinity and femininity. But it’s the same as any other identity. How do you know you are a woman? Is it something that you identify with, feel a personal relationship with? Or does it ultimately only come from your body alone, and you feel absolutely no connotations or connections to it whatsoever? Did it come to you through your body? I know people who 100% identify with their assigned gender, but can’t really articulate how or why without falling into these same binaries. And I know people who 100% DON’T identify with their assigned gender and cannot truly articulate how or why. It doesn’t even have a lot to do with masculinity or femininity. A lot of our language just doesn’t have the words to describe such an internal experience.

It is true that there is a very specific type of oppression that comes with being born in a female body- or a body that would otherwise assign you female at birth. From what I can tell, that’s what a lot of this really relies on. I don’t think anyone who is AFAB and nonbinary or ftm is really denying that, at least not from my experience. I’m sure they’re out there. But we, by and large, HAVE had the experience of discrimination in some way or another because of our “femaleness-” our ASSIGNED femaleness. (Something that got thrown at me was the idea of female socialization- it’s true, I was socialized as a female bc that’s what my body “looked” like and that’s just what our society assumes). But just as there is a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being AFAB, there is also a very specific kind of oppression that goes along with being mtf, and there is a very specific type of oppression that goes along with being a poc and any of those other categories. That’s at the core of intersectionality. Different parts of our identities interact with each other in different ways. People experience oppression and privilege in different ways and at different times depending on where they fall in this mix of race/class/gender/ability etc.

I also have body dysphoria, and it’s true our bodies can define a lot of our human experience (after all if I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t have dysphoria, right?? Godddd what a life). But also because I have dysphoria, I do not think that our bodies should be the defining characteristic of our identities. Bodies and presentation can cause a lot of our social interactions- including oppression- but I think to say woman and woman’s experience = female body is quite a limited summary of the issue with little nuance, and it’s also quite limiting with the way our society is changing. This is why I heavily prefer terms like assigned female at birth. This can imply that such a person may have had a socially female experience (like me) in part due to their body, and thus was socially assigned to be a female, but just... also isnt a woman for some reason or another.

I also think that what we strive to do is not to ignore history (I think very few people are denying the way women have been treated in history, and are still treated to this day) but we hope to build from it. I think that’s why feminism and gender studies get lumped together. A lot of feminist activists/scholars (many were both at the same time) led our current strides into gender constructivism. I studied a lot of gender essentialism when I started my thesis, and to be honest, I saw the point behind it in the context of the time, but we’ve shifted in understanding and context since then.

And, in full disclosure, at the start of this whole adventure, (and i am SURE this will be used against me) I really did identify with being a woman. I thought it was awesome to have the body I had and when I started witchcraft I did actually fall into that really easy trap of tying the female experience to magic. (Honestly because I HATED my body and looking back that was probably a way to cope with DYSPHORIA and not the other way around). And isn’t inherently harmful to have a working magical relationship with your body like that, but it is harmful when you think and say that’s the only way people can exist and the only way people can be magical. But over time, I just started to change. Nothing traumatic happened, I’ve been incredibly fortunate and privileged my entire life, it’s not a coping mechanism, I just started to identify with womanhood less and less, for no real particular reason- nothing about me personality or preference-wise changed. Just my own internal view of myself.

I also got the words for gender euphoria. And I noticed more and more that, if I was being honest with myself, that that was always how I had truly felt. While it’s true gender roles shouldn’t exist, just like any other role or label, it’s different when someone chooses that role for themselves versus when they have it thrust upon them. As a child, like many other AFAB children, I had the idea of womanhood thrust upon me, with all the roles and stereotypes that went along with it. It’s fucked up in the first place, don’t get me wrong, but I knew people who embraced these fullheartedly, I knew people who didn’t. But some people who didn’t still identified with womanhood, others became ftm, others became mtf. I had “woman” thrust upon me, didn’t identify with it, rebelled against it, tried to rationalize it by accepting that I could be a “woman” without falling into gender stereotypes because there is no ONE correct way to be a woman (which there ISN’T), still didn’t feel right, did a full 180 and started buying pink lingerie and worshipped Aphrodite, that worked for a while and was overall a positive experience that helped me hate myself a little less, but at the end of the day, no matter what I did, I still did not identify as a woman. What does happen to me, however? I get a burst of euphoria when I am called a boy. That makes me feel like I’m being really seen. I actually resonate with that after years of not resonating at all with womanhood no matter how I sliced it, and that’s why it feels so fucking good. I tried to identify as a woman. Believe me, I tried like all fucking hell. Even though my presentation is still read as mostly female (I would disagree strongly with it but alas society and their fucking gender roles), I am quite the feminine boy-something to me, and I don’t have to justify that to anyone.

So TL;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism, I have lived a life full of very accepting, open-minded people and I won’t deny that I have that privilege, but in spite of that i STILL did not view myself as a woman, no matter how hard I tried. I’ve actually generally accepted my body except on the days my dysphoria makes me want to throw my boobs across the room, I don’t think it’s denying history if we’re building from it, gender roles are fucked up. I recognize that my experience being AFAB- and others who are AFAB- comes along with a particular type of oppression, but that’s why I prefer the term AFAB because it indicates the experience you’re talking about while also leaving it open to considering other experiences like my own and the experiences of other trans and nb folks. In a few years AFAB might be outdated as a term and then we’ll find more terms to help figure this whole mess out.

TL;DR;DR no it’s not a coping mechanism and anyone is welcome to think that this is simply part of the horrible fallout of female socialization, and anyone is welcome to think that i’m mentally ill for identifying like this. people can think or say all they want about me but it won’t change the fact that I’m a boy-something and it won’t change all the years I struggled trying to figure that out.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out, I think I really needed to. This is something that had been floating in my brain forever, and explaining it all to you actually made my thoughts that much clearer.

Now everyone who sees this- please respect my wishes and please don’t clown in these notes if it spreads. I’m tired enough about this as it is today. I’m tired enough about fucking gender as it is. We’re all fucking tired. What I’ve shared today is about me and me alone and I want to keep it that way.

#gender stuff #discourse #seriously i know people are gonna comment on this but i wanted to share it bc i thought it was important to say #but i REALLY don't want other people wrapped up in MY OWN issues and identity #anon #asks

28 notes · View notes

somequeerthing · 4 years

Note

Could you explain how the bottom surgery works, and how it feels afterwards. I’m transitioning (mtf) and I’m a bit worried by the surgery

this is a long, complicated answer - the short form is that while it depends on the doctor, the gist of it that tissue is inverted to create the anatomy of a vagina, vulva, clitoris, labia minora/majora etc. Youll find that the differences between anatomy in that area are small and it’s not as hard as youd think to move between the two.

While i cant say how everything compares to a natal vagina as I’ve never had one, those who ive come into contact with that do are hard-pressed to tell the difference. Surgery is painful and you should be prepared to be incapacitated for a two to three months following surgery, have a support system around you if possible. Once everything is healed though it’s honestly hard to remember what anything else is like.

certain surgeons (like mine) will use peritoneal tissue to provide natural lubrication which accompanies arousal. Surgeons differ quite a bit on their approach, so it’s important to be through in your research. If you want any recommendations for surgeons (or if anyone else reading this does) feel free to pm me and ill do my best to help.

While any surgery should be taken seriously, science has advanced to a point where there’s very little to worry about as long as you trust your doctor. Complications are possible as with any surgery, but the chances are relatively low and if youre anything like I am they won’t be nearly enough to deter you.

Also consider though that surgery isnt the end all be all. I felt the need to have mine (and im having a BA in early 2020) but you shouldnt feel pressure to put yourself under the knife if you arent sure you want to do it. Weigh your options, do your research, and dont rush into it. Youll be just fine I promise.

14 notes · View notes

mycandylovefanatics · 5 years

Note

Idk if my ask got eaten or what lol I'm sorry if it didn't, but I was wondering if you could make something (headcannons maybe) with a trans Candy (MtF) with Ryan and/or Kentin. It's totally ok if you're not comfortable doing so, thanks anyway. I look forward to reading more of your work

It more than likely did because I don’t remember ever reading something like this before, especially not for UL characters. But hey, just give me time to put the request out before assuming it was eaten because sometimes i just need to think about my response before typing it out! Also you didn’t specify so I’m just kind going with the flow for these lol ALSO FOR WHATEVER REAOSN I THOUGHT YOU ASKED FOR HYUN INSTEAD OF KENTIN SO IM JUST GONNA KEEP HIM IN HERE AS A LITTLE BONUS LMAO

Rayan

Ehhhh I highly doubt Rayan is the kind of guy to be bothered by something like that. You know how some dudes can be weird about that, when they find out a girl they like is transgender? Rayan just doesn’t give a shit. In his eyes, you’re a girl regardless of your “biological” background.

Honestly though? Not much will change in your relationship with a transgender girl vs. a non-transgender girl? I mean why would he treat you differently from any other girl lol there’s no logical reason for it. Expect the same exact treatment that Rayan uses with Candy. The same dates, the same make out sessions, the same yearning looks he gives you in class lol he’s just extremely indifferent about it. That doesn’t mean he ignores that aspect of you though because obviously it’s an important part of what shaped you into who you are today. He’s not going to overlook it.

I’d say the only thing that may be different is, he is a bit more vocal on his opinions about the subject. For example, if in class he hears some students maybe talking shit about transgender people or using derogatory terms towards you (assuming people know this about you) then he’ll waste no time in professionally but also semi aggressively telling them to shut the f*** up lmao. He just completely schools them on why their “opinions” are absolute shit. “And besides, with the way you guys act in school I’d be surprised if any girl wants to date you in the first place. You won’t attract anyone when all three of you are failing my class.” And then the people talking shit are just sitting there all salty lmao he’ll shoot you an undetectable smirk and you’re just like yeah professor school em again (and bang me later lolololol)

Kentin

Okay so, not trying to pin this baby as a douche because he isn’t BUT we all know how important his masculinity is to him when he first comes back from the military and all of that. Now since Kentin has known you for quite some time now I’m sure he probably knows already that you’re trans. He may have even seen you transitioning during the time you went to school together some years back? Depends on what time you decided to do this. Or maybe he doesn’t know because it was during the time he went to the military (I don’t know if he would have been gone long enough for that) and when he came back there was this new really pretty girl who also looked super familiar?? Then he learns it’s you and is like woah whAT-

So I headcanon Kentin as straight, and because of this plus his semi toxic masculinity in the beginning, of COURSE he asks himself if he’s gay. Obviously it doesn’t because he’s still attracted to a girl but he’s never been with a transgender girl so he’s just got a lot of questions that stem from lack of knowledge.

Probably tries to back down from dating you tbh lmao the poor boy is so worried of what his dad will think, I truly feel like his dad is probably a douchebag about these things, yeah. He’s scared of what everyone will say but then at some point he realizes, he can’t hold his feelings back anymore and he’s tired of it. He has like a self realization thing going on like, “wow how much of an asshole am I to be scared to go after the girl I love because of a couple of judgmental jerks??” He runs up to you one day and just goes on a spew about how much he likes you and how he’s liked you since he came back and how he’s so freaking sorry for being a dumb ass about the entire thing. He promises to not let anyone else’s opinion get in the way of his love for you, and he holds up his promise for sure. Someone giving you the side eye? FINE HE’LL JUST GIVE EM A BLACK EYE TAKE THAT. He really takes time to let you educate him on everything too, he doesn’t like the fact that he was so ignorant about it before.

Hyun

Hyun is like Zaidi in the way that he also literally does not care. He sees you as you, which is his beautiful girlfriend who he absolutely adores. Honestly I feel like Hyun is the kind of person to like whoever he vibes with, so if he likes you then he just likes you for you. He’s not the kind of guy to care what you’ve got going on in your pants because he’s not with you for that.

Again, with Hyun nothing is really different with your relationship. He is however a lot more supportive of the lgbtq+ community. Not that he wasn’t before, but now that he has to see someone so directly close with him deal with the problems you may or may not face, he wants to make sure you know he always has your back no matter what.

And okay listen, Hyun is not a violent dude and he doesn’t get riled up quickly, but I seriously pray for anyone who tries to come at you wrongly for this. He tries to be the bigger person and just ignore it, holding your hand and stroking his thumb across the back of your hand. But if the person keeps going at it you just kind of notice the way his hold on you is getting tighter, and tighter…. and tighter. Hyun?? You good fam?? No he is absolutely not good lmao. Before you know it, he’s sucker punched the person in the face and he’s even stunned at himself because he’s NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE IS HE GONNA GO TO JAIL?? Honestly you’ll have to drag him away from the scene caus he’s just sitting there STUNNED at himself. After the initial shock though, he’s just kind of sheepishly smile at you like “Well, I don’t feel bad about it. They definitely deserved that…” god he’s so cute.

13 notes · View notes

the-mira-life-project-mtf · 6 years

Text

Male To Female ~ Hormone Replacement Therapy Fears

Hormone Replacement Therapy Fears-- My Transgender Journey

When it was 6 months…I was excited to have H.R.T….I wanted to start it right away and hated the wait! It felt like it would be years before I could correct what was wrong with me and as the months wore away, my paranoia grew. At the turn of the New Year, January ushered only 3 and a half months and I began to doubt myself. In March, the dysphoria hit new levels as I began to ‘fear’ the idea of doing hormone replacement therapy. I even considered ‘skipping’ my appointment and pretend that this all was a bad idea! I found that the only way to calm myself was to write down these fears in the articles that you are reading. Who knows…in two years I will read these articles and have a good laugh or be ashamed of my decisions. I know that no one can ‘advise’ me on the right thing to do. Forums, blogs, messaging and one-on-one are just for conversation…in the end, it is all up to me to make the correct decisions in the end. Back in January, I had read many blogs about the jitters LGBT folks have prior to their therapy. Logically, I should seek out a therapist to talk to about my fears and concerns…but it would change nothing! The advice that the community always offers is to brave through it. It is only natural to be afraid and if you were not afraid, then you really have a problem! I always wanted to believe that this all was psychological and I was going through a phase because of my failed relationship with my girlfriend. My brain would paint pictures of the worse-case scenarios as I battled with myself.

________________________________________________________________

THE FACE

‘You can’t hide your face!’ my inner voice would tell me. I’ve seen hundreds of pictures of men’s faces slowly turning into something…androgynous. H.R.T. does not make men look feminine and woman look masculine. ‘You will be ridicule!’ the voice mocks me. I would stare at my face…I can tolerate my face for a short time as it has changed in the last three years as my cheeks have puffed up. I try to imagine myself with plump lips and weak-looking jawline but as I look at my eye-brow…I am lucky I have fine eyebrows that are much higher on my face than my male counterparts. But my lips are small and thin…they would need a lot of growing! Like testing the waters, I made small modification to my appearance to see if I can adjust. The biggest modification I made was my hair! For nearly 10 years, I had my head nearly shaved because I needed to appear masculine to gain authority and respect from my peers in the field of geology and science. When I was unable to be a geologist due to my health, I slowly grew out my hair in 2018 and even having hair greatly changed my appearance as having hair took some time to get used to. For the first time in 10 years, I actually had to buy a comb to brush my hair and when I awoke in the morning, it looked as if I was getting in touch with my Einstein looks! I looked at my long hair and it brought me bliss…a sensation I have not felt when it comes to my person. I spent time actually brushing it throughout the day as I watched the ends of the hair swirl in odd patterns…curling up, straighten and some actually flowing against predicted patterns. Having long hair seemed right, it looked like I was denying my masculinity as my face was framed by my hair, making my cheeks look puffier.

________________________________________________________________

THE PUBLIC

‘What will you do when you start to look feminine…how will you explain this to your family?’ the inner voice asks me as I know that H.R.T.’s end results is to look feminine with hints of masculinity. I know that people will look at me, I am going to have to deal with everyone I know at some point! I can only keep my family in the dark for so long before I can’t hide my breast growth, feminine face or feminine body any longer. I will have to answer questions and avoid situations that might emotionally compromise me. Even where I live, the town is small and my church friends know me well…what will they think? What about the people at the YMCA where I go 3 times a week? Personally, I am a very private individual. I like to do many volunteer jobs at various locations. As I volunteer at Camp Sealth on Vashon Island, only a month before my H.R.T. appointment and I am exercising my male privilege as I rely on my muscles and strength to do meaningless labor intense jobs. I think to myself: ‘If I do H.R.T. I might be unable to do this stuff again!’ as I know that most men who take estrogen lose much of their muscle mass…for lean mass...becoming weaker in the process. It has been about a year since most of my friends at Camp last saw me and they use ‘masculine’ terms to identify me as saying: ‘The Man is here!’ ‘Hey Big Guy!’ ‘Hey Dude!’ There is nothing wrong with them trying to strike up small-talk, but they know me as a man. What will they think if I come back with breasts, a feminine face or even a new name? Will they respect me? Treat me the same? The uncertainty was a killer! I don’t want to be called the transsexual! I hate that term! That is what I fear greatly…labels! I don’t want to be known as the freak, the degenerate or a discussion topic at the next family get together! There's so much social stigma to it and I don't understand why I can't be happy with my biological gender from birth….I wish it were that easy, I wish I did not have to undergo such dramatic procedures to balance myself…but I wish people were equally accepting of the situation and supportive when it was socially acceptable! Life would be much easier then! The problem with dysphoria is that it can take many avenues within a day. For example: In the morning, I feel feminine and wonder why I doubt my dysphoria as I know it is real! I long for balance as I prepare for the day. By afternoon, depending on my day, I tend to slip into my masculine mind as I doubt my feminine side. This is where the problems begin and can last throughout the day and into the evening hours. By the evening, I usually am still in my masculine phase, but its hold is weakening as the nighttime hours bring me back to thinking feminine and longing for my missing characteristics...writing my feeling in books and art is the only thing that seems to help. When I am with others, I take the gender the best suits me…but if I try to be man or woman without the other, I am worn down and emotionally exhausted. Ironically, being masculine is my weakest suit and prefer to remain in my feminine suit which feels comfortable. This is called ‘imposter syndrome.’ We spend time pretending to be someone outside our birth gender, and fearing that we will be ‘found out’. For example, I spent many hours pretending I was Delenn from Babylon 5. I would dress like her, arrange my hair like hers and even adapt her characteristics and personality to my own. I even wore breast forms while dressed like her at night as I feared someone would see me if I did so in the daytime. When I did not dress like Delenn, I would choose careers and tasks that suited to Mira, my female personality. I even did things that weren’t manly like sitting to urinate or squatting to pee while hiking in the woods. I would be aware of my nipples and lack of breasts as I lifted things…even walked with a sway to my hips. It was so obvious that even my girlfriend suspected that I might be possibly asexual without me saying a word.

________________________________________________________________

THE YMCA

‘You will have to find a new activity…you won’t be able to swim when you have breasts!’ comes another comment that I had much time to think about. Already, I don’t conform with most male swimmers at the Y! I refuse to use the Male-Changing Room and use the Universal Changing Room as they are private and single occupancy. I’ve seen the cruel side of male-changing rooms when I was in high school and I dread them! I hide my chest as I wear a shirt that seems to reveal my chest worse than if I went in shirtless. I began wearing shirts to pools when I was only 9 years old because I felt that if women had to hide their chest…so did I...that is what I was taught by my mom. Then I wondered: ‘At what point in transition would I have to remain covered even if I wanted to go shirtless…does it apply to gender-fluid people?’ Logically, the spoken rule is that the nipple needs to be covered if your a woman. The breast is only covered as most suits are made that way to hide the nipples. But does that apply to MtF people? Technically, we are not female nor male. Even now, with the growth I’ve obtained from prednisone, I remain covered up as they ‘appear’ as big pecs or fatty male breasts. If I take H.R.T., they will grow and fill out like female breasts and be quite visible on my body. About a year ago, I was conscientious about them and even now find myself doing the Picard maneuver to hide the nipples from poking in the fabric when I am sitting, wet. However, I am lease concern about what people might think of them when they walk on by. Honestly, I don’t care…I am here to take care of my health, not subjugate to their ideology or sexism. I find that the least I am concerned about the opinions of others, the easier I can accept my gender-fluid nature. I know that my change might be noticed by the staff who have gotten to know me over the two years, but I doubt that they will really be condemning on my transformation as they are mainly female. Nevertheless, I have greater fears to occupy myself with!

________________________________________________________________

THE BRAIN

‘Your brain will change!’ the voice warns me as I can’t find any information to dispute or prove this claim. The truth is that we don’t know the full extent of estrogen on the male brain. We know that hormones play a major part in our bodies’ chemistry and influence how we live in out worlds.

‘You will become sexually attracted to men…’ the voice says, giving a sucker punch to my non-existent sexuality. Honest truth, I am lease likely to be attracted to men as I am of women…but the comment scares me nevertheless! It is well established in the studies of mammals that differences in the male and female brain structure can be reversed by sex hormones, even in adulthood. However, it is not known whether alterations in sex hormone levels can change structures of the human brain in adulthood. In human adults, the volumes of the brain and hypothalamus of males tend to be larger than those of females. The findings of a research on transgender individuals suggest that treatment of MtFs with estrogen's and anti-androgen's decreases the male brain size towards female proportions. The magnitude of this change occurs typically in 4 months! Cogitative tests found that in 3 months the patients had a decline in anger and aggression proneness, sexual arousal, sexual desire, and spatial ability (usually males outperform females) and in an increase in verbal fluency (usually females outperform males)…meaning it is scientifically plausible to ‘think’ as a woman as the brain is transformed into a female brain via hormones. It is plausible to assume that adding testosterone back would reverse the transformation as the study found women taking testosterone had their brain turn male (actually growing in size!). However, there is no evidence that I would be attracted to men…actually, as testosterone is converted to oestrogen, sexual desire will be greatly reduced. There are documented cases that the sense of smell will change as the brain is transformed, making me acceptable to male pheromones as compared to female pheromones (as my body will release female pheromones while taking estrogen), but this will not change my sexual preferences which are based on family teachings. As I read medical journals on the brain and hormone influence, I am left with a concern that I might transform to quickly! Or maybe not quick enough! Will my insurance cover the medication? I already know it will not cover my visits at Cedar Rivers! One of the best yearly diaries I have read explained what happened to one MtF: Week 1 -- Libido changes and patient notices male musty scents. Emotional state changes to unstable. Patient have become more temperamental and emotional as the estrogen acts like a toxin. Patient was also more calm and at ease with themselves. 1 Month -- Patients sex drive completely changed. Erections don't happen at will anymore. Breast growth started it's very early stages (Breast buds along with nipples that are very painful to the touch). A slight change is going on in the face...mainly fatty tissue growth. Also, muscle strength loss is very noticeable, however no muscle mass lost. 2 Months -- Face has rounded a tiny bit and skin texture has changed. Scalp hair has grown quicker. The muscles are literally melting away. Most patients begin taking anti-androgen now. 3 Months -- Skin is getting a bit lighter in color as pigment changes. Breasts are becoming noticeable thru the shirt and investment in a training bra might be needed. Libido changed from visual stimulation to emotional stimulation. 4-6 Months -- Body hair is falling off arms, legs, chest and back. The face started changing a little more rapidly now. The jaw is becoming weaker in appearance. The skin is very dry during the winter. 7 Months -- The changes are now very obvious to family and friends. Most patients achieve an A-cup in size. Patient will begin having a harder time telling if it is female or male. Most patients refrain from gendering until they call them by the second name! Most gender-neutral patients switch between calling themselves male and female. Patient claims they had shrank in size about 1.5 inches in height. 8 Months -- Patient is called a female more than male at this point. Some patient’s feet shrink in 1-2 shoe sizes. Patient’s scalp hair begins to feel thicker. 9-10 Months -- Patient's face further feminized. Patient could see the fat in their cheeks collecting and they started getting more comfortable with seeing themselves as a female as the brain chemistry changes. Also, Patients body hair was growing in a lot slower on their body. Patient only needs to shave their legs and torso about once a week...some can go up to a month depending on genetics. Patient typically grow into a small B-cup bra as growth slows. Patients muscles diminished. 11 Months -- Patient feet still might lose width (however bones will not shrink due to H.R.T.). Patients typically lose about an inch in their overall height as their muscle mass is depleted. 12 Months -- Changes seem to be slowing down; like they were in months 4-6. The patients face is still shaping more and more each week, filling out. Otherwise patients breasts don't hurt anymore (although they have been off and on throughout the whole process after month 3 or so). With 12 days to go...I am excited and scared to death of the unknown and the consequences of either not doing H.R.T. or actually undergoing H.R.T.. What really has my concern is that I am honest-to-god thinking about Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) as a possibility if I don't like how my breasts look or to rid of my penis which has disgusted me ever-since I learned what it was designed for. I also am considering breast reduction as I begin to wonder: 'It is these moobs that have made me question my gender!' Maybe if they are gone...maybe I will balance? I am torn in-between two worlds as in one world I want breasts and in another world...I don't want them because it will always be a reminder of my imbalance. I began to contemplate: 'What if I grew them and see if having breasts made my dysphoria better? If I don't like them or they cause me too much grief...I can always have them surgically removed! It would be a process I would have to take if I wanted to enhance my masculinity!' In 12 days...I will know what path I choose to follow!

4 notes · View notes