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silasbug · 2 years

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dream log Nr. 002

22/07/2022

Type: varied, half awake | Flow: relatively linear | Amount: 2-3

i didn't sleep particularly well, i was very aware during some dreams to the point of feeling like i was almost awake. the last dream was after a brief period of being awake and started off uncontrolled, but allowed for some rewinds towards the end. it was very vivid and very detailed.

#1. don't remember this one, i know there was one because i remembered it when i was briefly awake between #2 and #3.

#2. i remember only a brief synopsis: i was on some type of social media (tumblr or twitter? i dont even have twitter) searching the tags for something very specific. this was a really long dream and i was sure i would remember it once i briefly woke, but by falling back asleep it was almost entirely overwritten by #3.

#3. this one was super(!!!) vivid and started off entirely uncontrolled, but halfway through i was able to rewind and replay parts of it when i either didn't entirely registered what happened or wanted to alter some events. altering only worked in some very, very few cases and mostly amounted to nothing.

i was living on a farm with my SO, it featured two buildings, painted a homely yellow from the outside. the large building looked like a barn (big and boxy) from the outside (still in yellow), but was apparently the main house. the second house was much smaller, a straight, long rectangle that served as what I assumed was a little hosting-house. there was a long table in the middle of it, warm rugs, every wall had +-type windows (it really was just like a narrower trailer-home), no extra rooms, lots of plants on the windowsills and hanging from the walls. the smaller house was stood in front of the larger house towards the road like a T shape, the upper line being the outter eall of the barn, and the I being the trailer (with some space in between). beyond the trailer was the road, but between the road and the trailer was a wide and tall hedge to shield our property from view. to the sides of the trailer extended gardens, as well as between the trailer and the hedge.

we went outside into the garden, the entire landscape was drenched in orange, faint greens, as if it were a drought. the sun was harsh and unforgiving and i was afraid i might get a sunburn. we went into the foregarden which had some beds of crops, flowers, and a very familiar metal and wood bench from my childhood, along with some metal ornaments stuck into the ground.

whilst we were outside, i remarked that the weather was unusual, the vegetation hadn't yet wilted, but looked that way because of the poignant sepia colourscheme. it looked warm, and it looked dead. my SO said that he thinks it'll be fine and that i shouldn't worry about it- it was after all too early to be sure (it was supposedly just the beginning of summer). as i was looking around the gardens between the trailer and the hedge, i found a bundle of 6-7 ripped out lillies of the valley on the ground. they hadn't bloomed yet and the roots were cut off from the white part at the bottom. i picked them up to replant them, confused by their state, and the fact that they were the only thing not drenched in sepia (instead they were a faint green fading to white). i hadn't brought a spade with me and being too wary of going back to grab a tool just for these bulbs, i found a crack in the ground. i stuck them in the crack, a few of the lillies slipping in too far and disappearing, and pushed some dirt from the sides of the crack inwards to help stabilize the rest above ground. only 3 remained. as we were heading back to the small house i heard a woman's shout ring through the air, it was very distant and sounded more like someone scolding their children.

once we got back inside the small house, with all of the windows open, i started to get this uneasy feeling. as if i was being watched. i wasn’t wrong, as a few moments later, whilst i was hunched over looking through the furthest window from the door, two children appeared to the right of me out of nowhere. a boy and a girl, they looked more like dolls than children, pale and half undressed (kind of as if they were only wearing bloomers with a white tank top). their expressions were unreadable and gave nothing away, which was arguably scarier. i called out to them, asking where their parents were- and they replied that they didn’t know. i asked them if the voice i’d heard in the distance was their mother, but they said that they were alone, that they had come with nobody, and that they didn’t hear anything. i asked them if they knew where they lived, so we could accompany them home, but they didn’t really answer.

properly spooked out by this point i met the children at the door with my SO. when i looked at them, their bodies were a ghostly white with a sickly green tinging parts of their sides and limbs. i felt really uneasy by this point and asked them again if they knew where they lived. they paused before giving me a vague answer that amounted to “maybe”.

up until now i had either seen only snippets of myself in this dream, only the upper body/shoulders with everything blurred but the head and most of it had been in first person with occasional perspective switches, but suddenly i saw myself clearly in third person when i asked the children to accompany me to the main house so i could wash the dirt off of my hands before we went and brought them home. my SO had stayed behind at the small house to wait for us. i was wearing a light green and white tartan summer dress, my hair varied between being open and being tied back.

once we got to the house, i felt so afraid of these children (they didn’t seem human after all) that i asked them to wait outside, closing the door behind them. the house had the exact same layout as the house i used to live in during my teenage years, but it looked bigger from the outside. there was a slight porch, then the door, and right as you entered the sink was on the right. i went to wash my hands, but something compelled me to lock the door before i occupied my hands, and so i went back to the door, locking it as quietly as i could so the children wouldn’t notice.

once i went to wash my hands, the door suddenly unlocked, and my SO came inside, allowing the children in as well. right as i panicked and started asking him to please leave them outside, they had no need to come in, the boy had already entered as the girl hesitated, but my SO encouraged her to step inside nevertheless. i got such a bad feeling about the whole situation, but these were children and i didnt want them to feel unwelcome or afraid because of my fear.

once they were inside, some really, really weird time jumps happened. it went from they entered, to we ate something, to we were playing a card game, to different things and with how structured and linear the flow was before, i got really whiplashed and confused by the sudden time jumps. the main house also suddenly looked more like the small trailer house, then i realized we WERE back in the smaller house, but there was no memory of going there. the houses had just faded into each other. the smaller house now had a fridge next to the door and a counter where there was no space for one. the window where i had previously seen the children (so at the furthest wall from the door) now had its curtains shut and a faded-blue couch standing in front of it. it was now night and the blackness was encroaching from all sides, only the light in the trailer and its reflection on the windows keeping it out of the house.

as we played a card game with the children (my SO sitting with his back to the door, the children one each at the sides of the table (the boy to the right of me, the girl to the left) & me with my back to the couch), i got up to get a drink. i squeezed behind where the boy sat to get to the fridge, but my SO opened the the fridge before i could to give me the bottle of coke (it had a yellow label instead). i said something to him that i cant remember, i think he was handing me an empty bottle as a joke first, before giving me one that was full and slightly opening it. as he was doing this, i looked into his eyes, and i was suddenly terrified.

the person sitting there still looked like my SO, but it was no longer actually them. the moment i looked into their eyes, they briefly flickered blue (or green?) and red before returning to normal, now looking a lot more similar to the children than to a normal human being.

i entirely lost control of my body- i couldn’t feel anything and it wouldn’t move the way i wanted it to. i slumped over and they caught me, picking me back up with my back to their chest, holding my arm across my chest. suddenly, their appearance changed, they now had long white hair, white skin, and eyes that continually changed colours (like the colours from when a program was suddenly interrupted on TV back in the day).

i felt my body melting, i was drooling, my eyes were blurry. i wondered if what i had drank the entire time was poisoning me (as it felt similar to alcohol poisoning), but suddenly i felt something inside of me fighting me. my hair was also turning white, my skin was already white as a sheet, and my eyes also began doing weird things. i was sitting in the lap of someone who was suddenly a stranger like a ragdoll, unable to move, unable to even think as my consciousness slipped, faded, and fought with something else that was trying to overpower it.

many thoughts rushed through my head- was this a demon? was i getting possessed? had they been trying to summon something inside of me? who were these people? had i been lied to this entire time? i was utterly confused, but i kept fighting the odd presence within me.

eventually, what i could only describe as suddenly being “Dracula from castlevania but with white hair and shifting eyes” moved me from the chair he was holding me on, to the couch. still holding me the same way, while i continued to fight on the fringes of consciousness, determined not to let whatever it was overcome me. it seemed to frustrate him and the children. it seemed like they had expected this to be a quick process, so why was it taking so long? they were frustrated, especially because it felt like i was winning.

i was entirely aware in my dream during all this and could sometimes rewind a little to re-see what was happening, only for a few seconds as a time, and it felt a lot more like a glitch in the world than an actual rewind because of how brief and disjointed it was. i couldnt change anything. it felt really uncomfortable and horrifying, but it was also really breathtaking.

#dream log #holy shit this is a long one #my brain on crack???#i could literally draw the scene it was so vivid #this is gonna be seared into my brain for a while #ive had scarier dreams but never one that literally had me become first person possessed #dreaming #dreams so intense you feel like you havent slept #god i am so tired

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xhaoticprince · 10 months

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gotta support alex claremont diaz because my man didn't change his opinion, not even one time: he stayed "Fuck the british" all along

#red white and royal blue #rwrb #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #thats one rlly long ass name holy shit #rwrb movie #i cant wait for this movie

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boltlightning · 1 year

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the blade is folded steel. that’s gold filigree laid into the handle. if i may — perfectly balanced. the tang is nearly the full width of the blade.

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ladylightning · 7 months

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supernatural s2 is SO GOOD because every decision has more weight because the after life is still unknown to us. we know there is something after death but we don't know quite what that is. the season starts with tessa the reaper begging dean to come with her. to where? she cannot say. when john dies it’s devastating to the brothers that he’s no longer here but elsewhere. but it’s even more devastating as they come to the slow realization that elsewhere is probably hell, whatever that looks like. sam and dean don't know anything more than the audience does about hell.

there is an effort to exorcise the possessed and save them instead of letting them die because there is no promise of heaven to be made. the ghost in roadkill wants to know what happens when she crosses over and sam and dean just don’t know. where do the monsters go when they die? are there angels? is there a god? sam and dean don’t know. sam more than anything wants to believe. and secretly dean does too. but they just don’t know.

when sam dies where does he go? dean doesn’t know. we never get to see it. and more than that. does dean truly believe that he would be sent to the same hereafter as his brother after everything he has done? all dean knows is that there is a way to damn your eternal soul to hell and there is a way to bring his brother back from the unknown and he will choose that path without hesitation over and over and over again.

the second the angels are introduced we lose that sense of unknown. while the stakes are higher in seasons 4-5 the second we can see behind the curtain it’s over. yes you can damn the world and start the apocalypse but at least you KNOW. you know there is an afterlife. a heaven. a hell. a hereafter. and all the people who die will end up will end up where they belong so how guilty can you feel using a demon knife to kill an innocent? how wrong is it to drain the host for blood? they’ll end up in heaven after all. no more pain. and that is how only the winchester family drama becomes important to the brothers, because they KNOW the end is not the end. there’s more than just ghosts and demons and reapers. there is a heaven. and if there is a heaven every wrong bad thing in the narrative can be brushed away by the characters or the audience as “well at least they are at peace in heaven now.” they do this to jimmy novak and ash and pamela and lord knows who else.

season 2 sam and dean don’t have this opt out. every choice they make is so much heavier because they just. don’t. know.

#long post sorry #spn #supernatural #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #spn season 2 #supernatural season 2 #for the record I LOVE Castiel and the angels add a lot to plot #but undeniably it forever changes the show on a molecular level #sometimes good sometimes bad #but season 2 is one of my all time favorites #so many back to back banger episodes #great dean moments dealing with john dying and sams psychic stuff #GREAT sam moment holy shit an amazing sam season so many gems #also a ton of stupid little dean outfits this season

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dropitdoeeyes · 6 months

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Who will remember your names once you’re gone? / I have written mine across the starry sky

Id: A drawing of Drumbot Brian from The Mechanisms taking Laika the space dog on a walk. They run along a spacelike background, stepping across stars that form a path. Laika—a white dog with a brown head, space helmet, and mechanized tail—drags Brian behind her. Brian is a brass man with signs of oxidization, wearing a white collared shirt, brown vest, and a matching black tophat, blazer, and pants. Brian stumbles slightly, smiling. end id.

#im so #dleepy #and so not normal about this #the mechanisms #the mechs #the mechanisms art #holy shit its a des art tag #the mechanisms band #art #drumbot brian #not sure how i feel about this one #maybe ive been staring at it too long #edit: forgot to add the lyrics i was meaning to caption it with #sighh. sleepiest ever

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inkskinned · 1 year

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im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like ....#tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON.#yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!#their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!!#like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!#aND THEY ARE!!!#something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

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amelia-yap · 4 months

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AUEGH

#ruby rose #rwby #obligatory tiny distressed ruby #my art #HELLO I HAVE OFFICALLY FINISHED YET AGAIN ANOTHER ONE OF MY SEMESTERS #and holy shit it was the most awful by far #i felt like absolute shit the entire sem and was behind in literally all of my classes #it was so shit that i actually skipped a class because of the stress of being behind on work. which i had never done before.#i am a criminal now lmao i feel so bad #also a little mad at myself because i know i could've done better. i've been doing the bare minimum and cutting corners #which was very noticeable lol #im gonna actually split my upcoming semester this time my ass and health cannot do this anymore #BUT ANYWAY I FINISHED MY SEMESTER RAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #COUGHS OUT BLOOD AND SINKS BACK INTO EARTH'S CORE AND EVAPORATES #IM DONE!!!#also my eyes are really red now for some reason #probably from the lack of sleep or the long hours staring at my bloody laptop idk #probably both #yeah i should go sleep now lol bye #ranting in the tags because i don't know how to talk like a normal person lmao #sorry if you read all this nonsense jkdhkfsdhfkhd #but i should be more active around here again!

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cute-girls-from-vns-anime-manga · 2 months

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『会社に行きたくないOLちゃん』フィギュア化 by 大嘘@コミティア１４７参加

#Original #Brown Hair #Green Eyes #Long hair #Office Lady #Stockings #Legs #Thighs #HOLY SHIT ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS GOT A FIGURE?!#YOU BET YOUR ASS I PRE-ORDERED IT

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hearties-circus · 1 year

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She is literally so pretty who gave her the right

#gamer txt.#bug #insect #wasp #crochet #plush #sorry sorry this is very self congratulatory but like. i am actually so fucking proud of this #like. i made that. i made that!! holy shit!! this thing i love so fucking dearly and IM the one who made it!!#i just havent made myself happy like this in so long #so im subjecting you all to my wasp again

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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IDK if you've ever said anything about it, but in the Lights Out AU, what was Wally's first reaction on realizing that Frank was alive and he wasn't alone anymore? I imagine it was...quite emotional

i Haven't talked about their Initial Reunion yet, no! but yes, it was very emotional! there were certainly many emotions!

namely: fear, confusion, shock, and nearly killing your friend with an oversized baseball bat <3

#im trying to work on a mini comic to expand on this but my art Isnt Arting Correctly #so this will have to do for now #but to put it Short and Simply #frank: WHAT THE FUCK ITS JUST ME!!! ITS ME!!!#wally: oh oops heyyyyy totally thought you were one of the Things <3 my bad <3 #wally: ....#wally: HOLY SHIT? FRANK?!#aaaaaand scene #wh lights out au #scribble salad #rambles from the bog #obviously its more complicated and less... jokey than that #i have the scene laid out nicely in my head #but putting it to 'paper' is a challenge!#there are factors to include #like how frank thinks everyone in the storage room is dead & how wally hasnt spoken more than a few mumbled words in a Long time #wally at this point has essentially lost his sense of self and basically just goes through his 'routine' like a robot #so it takes a second for his mind to kinda... reboot in a sense #and in that second frank nearly dies for realsies #haha thats... thats funny actually. Nearly. ha. the irony.#but uhhhh yeah frank really goes Through It for a bit #especially the immediate waking up through running into wally #or more like wally runs into him! purposefully! with the bat!

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thefreakandthehair · 7 months

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I’m just here trying to sleep after a long week (I know it’s only Wednesday but I am stressed and I wanted to quit my job on Monday so it’s a long week) and I’m thinking about Dustin’s birthday. Specifically his seventeenth. And maybe it’s not on the exact day, but around there, and it hits him out of nowhere

He’s the same age Steve was when a bunch of kids were shoved at him and he was told to keep them safe. He’s the same age Steve was when he almost died doing that multiple times on the same night. He’s the same age Steve was and he doesn’t think he’s even remotely prepared to handle a group of kids and doesn’t think he could have been brave enough to fight a bunch of demodogs or billy when he was spitting mad and then gotten up and gone into the tunnels afterwards.

And he looks at Steve now, more mellow, softer around the edges, with friends his own age and his bitching far more playful and affectionate with them, with his glasses and his failing hearing and sometimes anger because of those things but no regrets.

He looks at him and wants to cry because he doesn’t know how Steve did it. He doesn’t know how Steve was so brave and strong then when he was arguably still sort of an asshole and didn’t even know them aside from knowing who they were. Because that night was the first night they’d even spoken, but Steve had jumped right back in despite how they all knew he’d tried to pretend it never happened.

He looks at his brother and doesn’t understand how he’d so easily been there for them back then because trying to imagine himself in his place it just makes him feel overwhelming panic.

Because that’s when it hits

Steve was a kid too. He was just a kid, but he’d seemed like an adult to him, had carried himself with the confidence of adulthood even when Dustin knew now that it was bravado.

He thinks about the year before, when Steve had fought his first monster and been even younger. And maybe he wasn’t the youngest, that was Erica’s privilege, but he’d still been a kid and they’d all forgotten that because it was Steve, who took on the mantle of protector and carried it like a badge of honor even now.

And he hugs him, of course he does, and when they talk, they both cry a little, because Steve can finally admit how he’d felt back then, how he’d felt so out of his depth but didn’t want the kids to see his fear because he needed to be brave

Just lots of sappy thoughts about childhood and loss and moving on knowing that you were allowed to be scared when you thought you couldn’t

KAT YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW. I'M SCREAMING AND CRYING! I'm gonna lose my MIND. I'm gonna climb the WALLS. I'm gonna FLY into the SUN! this is SO IMPORTANT to me now, I'm never going to not think about this, this is critical to their relationship now and I'm never going to see it any other way.

if you write it, I'll podfic it. I swear, this just flipped some switch in my brain, I'm obsessed.

#kat you deserve your own tag so this is it #asks #steve and his nuggets #headcanons #i actually had a tear come to my eye just thinking about this conversation #and dustin's realization that oh my GOD steve was a KID???#when we're young our concept of time and age is so skewed but as we get older we understand better #and dustin is so close to steve and such a smart observant kid #he'd absolutely be the first one to be like 'oh my fucking god'#never gonna get over this holy shit #long post

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