#hb has thoughts

[backup-shoe]

Lilith, my sweet half-demon child. I would love to see somebody more well-versed in Catholicism take a stab at picking apart the symbolism suffusing her character arc. There are just enough things that my little osmosed-christianity-as-a-child brain recognises, but can't quite assemble into a coherent picture. Some thought fragments that have been kicking around in my head under the cut:

1. Death, resurrection, and a holy wound

Minus the holy wound part, the first two are simply a statement of what happens in Lilith's storyline in season 1. Lilith sacrifices herself to save Ava from the Tarask in episode 5, and returns in episode 7, seemingly resurrected from the dead. So far, fairly run of the mill death/resurrection plot common to a lot of sci-fi/fantasy.

However, when Lilith comes back, she (and we) discover the following remnant of her encounter with the Tarask:

A side wound on the the right hand side resulting from being pierced through by a pointy lance Tarask spine. Hm, this screamed stigmata to me during my first watch through, and with each rewatch, I am become more convinced that this is a deliberate reference to Christ being pierced by the Lance of Longinus during the crucifixion.

However! Lilith can't possibly be the Christ-figure of this show, can she? That is more straightforwardly Ava, who is 1. the protagonist of the show, 2. also rose from the dead, and 3. has a more innocent Lamb sacrificed to save the world narrative come season 2. Indeed, come season 2, Lilith very quickly becomes a full-time antagonist, and really ends up being more of Book of Revelation-esque monstrous figure than a Christ-like figure.

So, how do we reconcile Lilith's face-heel turn with the Christ imagery from season 1? Well, I venture that it is pretty uncontroversial that Lilith, from the very beginning was set up to be Ava's narrative foil, and so it makes a lot of sense for her to share in Ava's Christ imagery. However, in the end, she is not the true Christ-figure but a pretender. At this point, I am sorely tempted to make the leap to calling her an Antichrist, but this is also the point where I run up against the very limits of my knowledge of Christian eschatology.

(An aside: I also tried to figure out if Lilith came back on the third day after she died, but fell down a rabbit hole trying to figure out Ava and Mary's route between episodes 5 and 7. I have come to no conclusion on this matter, because none of the routes they take really make sense from a routing/availability of transit standpoint.)

I will conclude this section with a parallel between Lilith and Ava from season 1 and season 2, respectively, that I thought was neat:

2. Scales, wings, and the Book of Revelation

By the time season 2 rolls around though, Lilith quickly becomes a full-time antagonist, developing scales and leathery wings as she descends further into villainy. At this point, I think the most salient Biblical touchstone for her is the dragon from Revelation 13. Whereas Adriel is the beast, Lilith is his dragon. Given the physical traits she develops, I think this reference was fairly obvious, and not terribly interesting on its own.

The one wrinkle to this that I will note though, is that I think her role as the dragon was already alluded to in season 1. She is the last person who is not Kristian that Jillian Salvius and Michael Salvius interacts with. I think her brief interaction with Jillian and Michael in episode 9 (before she teleports off to the Vatican) is to establish her as the dragon that stood ready to devour the child of the Woman of the Apocalypse (Rev. 12:4). Here, Jillian is the Woman of the Apocalypse, whose child (Michael) was taken away to God (Reya) upon birth (Rev. 12:1-6). Not sure what the significance (if any) of this is in context of the Warrior Nun narrative, but I thought it was pretty neat.

Anyway, tl;dr, scales + wings = dragon!Lilith.

3. A parallel to the conversion of St. Paul

All right, here's the one that drives be absolutely insane, because buried in the midst of all these obvious, in-your-face dragon references, there is a reference to St. Paul of the Pauline epistles! And i can't, for the life of me, figure out what it means for Lilith.

I first noticed this parallel to St. Paul during the scene in season 2, episode 5 where Adriel burnt Lilith's eyes:

This immediately dredged up from the depths of my memory the following image:

(Source: Wikimedia)

This is the lower half of Caravaggio's The Conversion of Saint Paul. Look at how he is on the ground. Look at the way he is covering his face. Is the show deliberately trying to get us to connect Lilith with St. Paul, or was the framing of LIlith's blinding subconsciously conjured from the brain of someone steeped in Catholic iconography?

In any case, this was the scene that got me thinking about Lilith and our boy Paul. Much like our boy Paul, Lilith was blinded but had her vision restored. Unlike our boy Paul whose restoration of vision was accompanies by scales falling from his eyes (Acts 9:18), Lilith gains some lovely scales under her eyes that totally do not make her look like a raccoon:

In addition, unlike Saint Paul, who simply regains his regular vision, Lilith also gains the ability to see "reality," whatever that means. (To the audience's knowledge, it means she sees wraiths, but I have my suspicions that maybe there's more to it than that.)

The interesting thing to me about this reference to Paul, is that it was so strong, but confined to this one specific episode. Lilith never does anything that calls back to this moment for the rest of the season. Nor do her actions at all jive wit what Paul decided to do with this life after he regains his sight (spread the word of Jesus Christ far and wide), unless we count her feeble attempt at converting Ava to Adriel's side during their episode 7 fight.

So, where does this leave us? Why the random reference to Paul in the middle of the season when we already have the dragon of Revelation pretty much right in our faces? Is this a hint at the next step of her journey? Something clearly changed for Lilith during Ava's final confrontation against Adriel—she goes from actively helping him to becoming a bystander, content to watch him get ripped apart by Tarasks. Not to mention her sudden change of attitude in helping Ava, and telling Beatrice that she hopes that they will be on the same side during the upcoming Holy War. Maybe she's meant to play a Paul-like role if the show had managed to get a third season.

tl;dr: Lilith makes my Bible trivia brain go brrrrrrrr. I need someone more knowledgeable in these things to come tell me how I'm getting this all completely wrong.

#i can't believe i have so many thoughts on a supporting character in this silly show #i can't believe i read the book of revelation for this #i also read all of the epistles in a day (for a separate endeavour) #i know i'm probably overthinking a this and that the doylist explanation is probably something mundane like #“we chucked in whatever christian imagery we thought was cool” #but this does not mean i cannot attempt and fail at using it as an excuse to do a deep dive into christian eschatology #warrior nun #hb has thoughts #hb watches: warrior nun

[forestofsprites]

pencil sketches? great, fun, versatile, at-hand, accesible! pencil and paper, babey! love em!

taking pictures of pencil sketches? horror, hell, shiny, reflective, dear god that's not at all what the drawing actually looks like,

#i missed pencil #i missed doing the little sideways Vwoosh <- technical term #ive still not founr a procreate brush that recreates my ideal traditional techniques #anyway #guy uses a $0.05 hb pencil and lined $0.20 notebook paper and has a little whine about how - unsurprisingly- it is #impossible to get any sort of decent photo of said drawing #thoughts

[blepzebul]

while discussing my reinterpretation of helluva boss’ premise with some friends, i realized how bizarre it is that so much of HH/HB’s hell has a lot more in common with the divine comedy’s purgatory than it is with hell, not just in presentation, but how sinners still indulge in sin ever after they’ve long died.

and i’ve yet to see anyone comment on it so i feel like im going mad

#down to the idea of the envy and sloth rings #because contrary to common belief - those dont exist in hell according to the divine comedy. thats all in purgatory. #and a lot of purgatory’s ideas seems to be based on self inflicted punishment #some food for thought #also whats up with the rings anyway. has anyone dissected that or #helluva boss critical #helluva boss critique #hb critical #hb critique

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

want to get nerdy really fast about all the cool little concepts and ideas that went into hallowed bodies because I fell into the trap of Hating It Until It Was Over & nowwww I remember that I specifically chose to write 90% of it in vignettes to capture a feeling of stunted listlessness in the narrative, that I literallyyyyy kept a character unnamed as a way to thematically emphasize the omnipresent anonymity of men in Lonan’s life (his father, god, Harrison), that I leapt off the ending of BODY BACK that ends in a church (HB starts in a church), that both first chapters in BB and HB have the protagonist yearning for someone to lead VS someone to follow, that similarly, both books delve into the same premise but with vastly different circumstances, that the ending was designed to also be a foil of the end of BB (Harrison walks INTO a church, Lonan walks OUT) & yeahhhh it’s pretty cool lol

#and that’s just the FIRST DRAFT #excited to dive into it and polish it #I might do that tmrw lol I don’t want to take the process too seriously #but there are paragraphs I’d love to add and feelings I’d love to amplify #ANYWAY IT’S A COOL BOOK!!!! #a really necessary transition back to calmness for sure lol #no possible way writing in the style of maximalist BB is sustainable and HB #has helped me transition to more Normal writing which I appreciate LOL #I really haven’t also thought about BB and HB as companions in a long time HAHA #like the drafting processes were so different that I forgot they’re supposed to be one half of the same coin #gotta do a podcast ep on that lolllll it’s really cool man HAHAHA #anywayyyyy giving Lonan a kiss on the cheek #one of my revision notes is to have Lonan think of himself fondly for just a sec lol #LIKE U ARE LOVELY

[moon-blanket]

Golly, Milo— WHAT a way to send off this HBS !!

Oh yay, the Pack trip is over ! I hope they all had such a fun time, I know they definitely needed it. I TOTALLY understand the smell difference after you’ve been gone from somewhere so long, or going somewhere new. I thought it was just me !! That was a great TEDTalk, Milo !

Ooooh, Milo and Sweetheart have a certain reputation I see. Live your best life, you two !

His laugh is so cute !! I can never get enough of it.

Milo helping them relax, not wanting them to stress any more than they have to. :( He’s so wonderful. Him softly asking if he’s massaging too hard or if he’s hurting them is such a nice touch-- and the little kisses about it too ! How strong, or wound up at the very least, is Sweetheart if he has to work that hard to get the knots out !!! They definitely need this !

He said that they make his heart sing :') and what if i cry about that. ANOTHER Boy to add to the “Home” metaphor list !!!! I will continue to eat it up EVERY time !! These two are the definition of “forever” honestly.

The way he called them beautiful, hot as all hell even, while becoming breathy and groaning. .. . I’m sat. His shuddery moans and exhales always get me. That’s the good stuff, baby !!!!

The jaw kisses,,  , , HOW can i. ever think of anything else. THE NOISES AFTERWARD. Oh my god. What an audio. It’s been SUCH a good lineup this year, as always.

Have fun with the BA Patreon poll, everyone ! Vote in my honor, and enjoy ! :o)

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redacted spoilers #redacted milo #Moon's Thoughts #This HBS has been Such a treat !!!! #Milo i would do Whatever you want of me. You just have to ask.

[archive-of-the-guild]

@sharp-shooter-no-more-moxxie replied: "As a quick pick me up I guess. I prefer tea myself." _________________________________________________

"Well, i guess but that's like...hot leaf juice.... Not exactly heavy enough to make a person feel something after drinking it. "

#Cali IC! #HH/HB Verse! #sharp-shooter-no-more-moxxie #She has thoughts about tea XD

[aro-ortega]

oh separate but related to that list. in another case of 'vanya cares so so much about others and so so little about himself.' seeing as his plans are now null and void as he cant be a villain without his body and he wont be able to take on the farm without his body/telepathy. he is now 100% on board the 'help ace as much as possible' train, and is prepared to die if it means that ace gets to live again and have her body back. bc of course he is

#dont worry shes going to mentally slap that mindset out of him #vanya mikhailov #ace #marta #op #also also. i think in his own body hb has been influencing and amplifying a lot of these self destructio #self destruction/ revenge/ saviour thoughts. now that hes away from hbs influence its going to be a lot easier to convince him that his own #own life has merit and worth

[the-only-unicorn-cheese]

Soulcast sketch dump! i experimented a bit with drawing y/n with a detailed face; dunno how i feel about it, so i might switch it back to just "Y/N".

also! fun fact: Sun's & Moon's faces are painted on, so every now & again they gotta be touched up.

#de tru cheez #doodles #sketches #sketchbook #doodle #sketchbook art #traditional drawing #trying to keep hold of my S&M brainrot #an old Hb oc has stolen my thoughts the last couple days xhkffvkgg #i will never truly escape my Hb brainrot it always comes back #anyway #soulcast au #fnaf sb au #soulcast!sun #soulcast!moon #soulcast!y/n

[byzzii]

i’m posting to say when i say i’m a yhb supremacist i don’t mean this imposter -w-)

#he’s so evil for using eunwoo and SMILING 😭😭 #i mean ik he’s improved but he’s acting like he’s the shit. his ego blew up big time…….. ah. it’s. a development. #and those aren’t his techniques either?? so like. yeah. i would’ve preferred if htf just stuck to martial arts. whether ir was accurate or #not (a shame. accurate information is always better) #it’s something i really enjoyed seeing. and hobin found out he loved fighting.. so why not start competing? tho if it was a sports thing ppl #might find it boring or uninteresting but me personally. idgaf abt catching 244. it was ok at the beginning and seongjun was a more likeable #obstacle for me. i was more interested in their beef than hb and 244’s. #and the whole rumi and wangguk thing. i never cared for it but the fact it happened off screen and rumi never showed interest in him makes #me care abt it even less. like if ptj is uncomfortable with showing romance why even add it? telling make it boring. there’s nothing to rly #like? things i can say i like r that gyeoul has more screentime and she’s fighting :) also i hope ptj doesn’t pay attention to jiksae bc i #don’t want ptj to ruin him. just leave him alone. i was sad abt that before but i’m glad now. #and uhm more ranting. i’m soooo disappointed with the samdak thing. i like samdak. he was fun and stuff. a buff dude in a chicken mask who #knows his shit. but the actual guy is boring…. like not fun. i didn’t expect some stern guy. i thought they would meet and a dude in a chick #en mask would coach/teach hb. in a similar way to his videos but they didn’t rly show just how hb got stronger like?? idk rant over ig #i’m not gonna proofread this ;;-w-) #i’m not reading it bc i like it now… what i do like it criticizing it. ptj u messed this comic up and ur hiatus should’ve been longer bc u #thought the fans would like this? i want to talk to someone who does. help me understand.

[skwtches]

y’know, smth i rly wish that helluva leaned into more w/ its interpretation of stolas was the teacher aspect. the contrast between him being this wise professor-type character that goes on long rambles abt astrology, and then becoming the excitable and goofy stolas u see in canon when he’s excited and/or around ppl he deeply cares abt (i.e. octavia or even blitzo) could’ve been entertaining imo

#not trying to talk abt hb more than i should but this has just been a thought going thru my head so #another idea i’ve had was the concept of stolas along w other members of the goetia family having a duty in educating royal heirs #smth that ties into the whole idea of some goetias being mentioned to be teachers in the ars goetia #not to mention smth that gives stolas shit to do in his role as a prince since his role as keeper of the grimoire is never rly emphasized— #outside of just dialogue #rema.txt

[percyshipz]

Fhdhfuv brainstorming udeas for powers / if I want them to be a cryptid kinda thing.

I'm thinking either somwthkng similar to s.cp 16.6 or like a venus flytrap dem.agor.gan type shit. Or maybe looking into more urban legends. I really don't know but The comics been good so far so 👌

#[[ I keep seeing things and it inspires me but also I dunno what to do exactly #[[ Brainstorming is fun tho. Might make little idea charts n' shit. #🌌🌌 ;; scrambled thoughts #🌌🌌 ;; not se.lfsh.ip #[[ also the fun thing is making 3 different vers of your sona cause it has multiple media jdhdhgjj #😈🔥🐟 '' HB Brainrot ''

[bubonickitten]

"HB 777 not only would fine libraries and librarians, but it would possibly require hard labor by those found guilty. Read that again: librarians would be sentenced to hard labor for daring to join their largest professional organization.

The bill would also potentially kill one of the largest graduate school programs in the state of Louisiana, Louisiana State University’s Masters of Library and Information Science program. Like all Master of Library and Information Science programs, it is accredited by the ALA and goes through a rigorous process to ensure that the curriculum is up-to-date and aligned with best practices in libraries.

Even if the bill is limited “only” to the use of tax money to support membership or attendance/enrollment in ALA-sponsored professional development, take a moment to look into whether or not police, fire, or other public entities are subject to similar legislation in Louisiana or elsewhere. You probably know the answer–and you probably won’t be surprised that one of the few institutional benefits offered to library workers is such membership.

If you haven’t been paying attention until now or you’ve thought these fears when laid out over the last several years were hyperbole and this is your wakeup call, there’s no time like the present to get to work advocating on behalf of your library. If you live in Louisiana, contact your representatives as soon as possible (here’s a very easy way to do that!). You can also reach out to Kellee Dickerson by phone at [phone] and email [email protected].

Then, reach out to your own libraries and offer your support, either by showing up at board meetings and/or running for those board positions when vacancies occur. Go borrow books from the library and get your writing hands going with letters to your local papers.

EveryLibrary also has a petition you can sign related to HB777."

Please take the time to sign the petition, spread the word, and support your local library.

#libraries #library #ala #bookblr #louisiana #u.s. politics

[noxtivagus]

thinking of my ffxiv. favs 🥺

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxiv. ] #just some of them. specifically #aymeric & emet-selch & zero #honestly include alphinaud there too for this specific thing #they all have earrings right #i find it cute how alphi n alisaie have matching twin earrings on different ears <3 smth apollo n i wld definitely do too hehe #BUT LIKE. HB IN A NONPLATONIC WAY THO #HDFLKAJSFLKSDJF AYMERIC.. #sobbing i rmb going through shb n my brainrots w emet like uh #he sees so much of azem in my wol. #n i rmb ever since i was a sprout. until later on when i had flower earrings #i used to use the pearl one? yk. i can't rlly rmber but not the light pink one #but the color is like emet's own earring n you can guess the things i thought relating to that 😭 #i rlly rlly want. aymeric & emet-selch's earrings irl. #>< zero also has a rlly cool earring.. #n it has chains too n. oh my god this comment on the twt post i'm looking at rn #bracelet. oh my god #the my future lover who i think will not ever exist can we pls have matching accessories i think that's just so cute #OR EVEN W MY FRIENDS! apollo n i have matching accessories hehe bcs of our parents >.> #but i think it's also rlly cute how we like things that r matching. i'm the moon n they're my star #i like blue they like pink. i like silver they like gold. n our fav charas usually match in some way too

[clxja16]

Enough

Charles Leclerc X Wolff!Reader

Genre: betrayal (?)

Warnings: I think there's some swearing, angst

Word Count: 5K+

Author's Note: Okay you guys voted for this one, and honestly I thought that the fake dating trope was going to win but I guess not. also I kind of need help with the genre, because its not really forbidden lovers. Like is there a genre of your parents betraying your trust in the name of protecting you??? but anyway lmk what you guys think. Actually please tell me what you think, because I'm scared I made this too dramatic. enjoy though <3

-----------------------

You lingered in one of the back halls before the start of qualifying.  It was the Austrian Grand Prix.  You looked around making sure that no one was in sight.  Charles started to giggle at your antics of keeping this under wraps.  You pulled at him, trying to push him right out the door. 

“Go back to your garage,” you say gently pushing Charles further out the back entry of the Mercedes garage. 

“After I get a good luck kiss?” Charles asks, as he holds his hands up in surrender.  

You shake your head at him, before saying, “quickly, before someone sees us,” pulling Charles into a kiss, by his race suit.  Charles grabs your face with both hands, pulling you closer, deepening the kiss further.  You pull away first, worried about who might catch you sneaking about the garage halls, “okay now go, I’ll see you tonight.” 

Charles doesn’t let go of your face, pulling you back in for a quick peck on the lips, “okay I’m going.”  Charles finally lets you go, and shoots you a quick wink before walking off.  

You turn back around to take your place in the garage next to your father, when you hear him calling out for you.  You look back to see Charles has walked just far enough away to be out of sight, as your father turns the corner to come face to face with you.  You let out a breath of relief that they missed each other.  “y/n,” your father calls to your attention, “let’s get settled, qualifying is about to start.” 

“Yes, daddy,” you answer, following after your father, to watch qualifying. ��

You have just finished your degree, a Masters in Business Administration from HBS and a Masters of Science from Harvard John A. Paulson SEAS.  It took you nearly 5 and a half years to complete, but you did it regardless.  Now, you attend the races to better learn how to apply the knowledge learnt in school to running a formula one team.  This is all so that one day you will take over the formula one team from your father. 

As you watched George and Lewis set out to do their first few qualifying laps of the session, you longed for it to be you in those cars.  You really didn't dream of being behind the scenes, you dream of being up front and center, in the limelight, in the car.  You wanted to set the fastest lap, you wanted to be getting grand prix victories, you wanted to win championships.  However, you didn’t get a seat in formula 2, so your parents did the ‘reasonable’ thing and sent you off to school, instead of waiting around for the chance of a seat opening up.  

“Look here,” your father spoke to you, as he pointed at some data on one of the many monitors in front of him.  

“George is a tenth too early,” you say, trying your best to understand the data in front of you.  

“Yes, exactly, good,” your father praises, before speaking with a couple of the race engineers.  “Now we don’t want George to overly focus on what is going wrong, so we praise, advice and praise again.” You listen to the radio as the engineer, compliments George on his turn 3 and 4, critiques his turn 7, and compliments his turn 10 and 11.  “When you take over, you have to remember that you are going to have to manage the drivers' psyche as well as their driving.” 

“Father, I won’t be taking over for a long time, you’re gonna need to find someone in between you and me, to manage the team.” 

“No,” your father declares, like his decision is final, “I will retire late, and you will start early.” 

“Yes Father,” you say, no reason to start an argument now. 

-

“Congratulations on another podium,” you spoke sweetly to Charles at the end of the Austrian grand prix weekend. You and him were hiding out in his hotel room, trying your best to stay away from the cameras, from fans and most importantly from your father. 

“It’s only the second podium of the season,” Charles said as he dried his hair with the towel while walking out of the bathroom.  “We’re so far behind this season, it’s laughable.” 

“You could always make the move to Mercedes, Daddy would love to have you racing for him,” you say, as you wrap your arms around Charles, after he takes a seat on the edge of the bed.  

You can hear Charles chuckle a little, before turning around to face you. “Never,” he says with a smile, pushing you back down on the bed, kissing you deeply.  You can’t contain the laughter that spills from your lips.  

“We would make sure you win championships,” you argue, teasing Charles once again. 

“And who’s giving up a seat for me?” Charles asks, as he moves from your lips down your neck, spreading his kisses all around.  

“Lewis isn’t going to stay much longer,” you reveal.  

“What?” Charles asked, as he pulled away to look at you.  The seriousness setting in. 

“Don’t say anything to anyone,” you start off, as you sit up in the bed, looking at Charles deeply, “Daddy offered Lewis another four years, Lewis said he only wanted to sign on for two more right now.”  

“Why?” 

“I don’t know,” you say honestly, “believe it or not, Lewis does not reveal his intentions to me like you do.”  

Charles cracks a smile hearing you tease, “well, maybe I could do Mercedes silver,” he says as he goes back to kissing you. 

You and Charles spend the night together, as the two of you have done many times before.  The next morning, you try to sneak out early enough where no one notices your empty hotel room.  Charles makes your heart feel full, being around him makes you feel at peace, he wears your worries like his own.  He’s everything you ever wanted and needed, and more.  You know that there was no plausible way you could keep this a secret any longer.  You love him too much to pretend nothing is going on.  Although, you also know that your father would not be the happiest, he always said drivers weren’t the type of people you bring home.  However Charles is different, you know he’s what you need, you know that you can bring him home. 

When you did make it back to your own hotel room, you don’t think anyone checked in on the empty room.  You made quick work of packing up your belongings, your father was flying out of Vienna this afternoon, to get a jumpstart on Silverstone.  It being a home grand prix for both of your drivers, the entire week was packed with events.  All events in which you had to attend.  

-

After arriving in Silverstone, did you finally take a breather.  George and Lewis both went to visit their families for the first day.  This allowed you and your father to spend some time away from the race track.  Father instead just went to the factory, and spent some time in the office.  You on the other hand went out with Mamma, before she had to head down to Monza for the F1 Academy race.  

“Mamma,” you called out to Susie,  “do you think Daddy is serious about me taking over the team one day?” 

Your question was enough to stop Susie in her tracks, “yes, I do think he’s serious about it.”  She gave you a perplexed look.  Your father has been talking about you taking over the team since you went off to college.  He is determined that with his recommendation the board will approve for the team principal position. 

“I don’t know if that’s what I want to do though,” you say truthfully.  “I don’t know if I can handle being so close, but not being able to race.” As much as your mind was focused on being a team principal, your heart wanted to drive. 

Susie came up to you, pushing your hair behind your ear, holding your face. She had a gentle smile on her face, but there was a sadness behind her eyes that you couldn’t place.  “You are racing, if you take over the team, you are still a part of the race, but if you walk away, you will only be a spectator.” 

You sigh, you know she’s right, “you’re right, like you always are.” 

Susie laughs at your joke, “tell your Father because he never seems convinced that I’m always right.”  

You laugh, as you and Susie enter the restaurant for lunch.  “Mamma, can I ask you another question?” 

“Of course sweetheart,” Susie answers worryingly, you are not normally this ominous.  

“Would you be upset if I started seeing a driver?”  

Susie doesn’t hide the shock on her face, after your question, “who is it?”  She smirks at you, you weren’t the best at hiding your feelings from Susie.  She was the first to know about your first boyfriend in High school.  She was the first to know about the guy who cheated on you.  She was the first to know about the college boy you wanted to bring home.  And she was the first to know that none of them were enough to match you.  

“It’s no one, it's just a hypothetical, Mamma.” 

“Who, sweetheart?” 

You debate for a second about how to answer, but you know you can’t lie.  You gave away too much, and Susie knows you only use ‘hypothetical’ when it's real.  “Charles.” 

“Leclerc?”  Susie doesn’t mask her shock for a single second.  

“Mamma,” you whine at her reaction.  

“Sweetheart, your father is gonna have an aneurysm when he hears this.” 

“Mamma,” you whine again, this time more seriously, as you feel the water works coming on.  

“Sweetheart?” Susie questions, her face going from shock to stone cold serious as she sees how upset you are.  “This is serious.” 

You sigh, “I really like him, Mamma.  He makes me very happy.”  You look at Susie, and you don’t like the look she has even more.  

She looks very seriously at you, while also having the ‘its not good’ look.  “Your father is not going to like this,” she says honestly, “but,” you watch Susie as she begins to smile, “if you’re happy, that is what's important.” 

You begin to smile as well, “Daddy will get over it right?” 

“I hope so,” Susie says truthfully.  You were Toto’s oldest, nothing would ever be good enough for you.  You were his pride and joy, you were the first, and as the first, you are everything to your father.  Susie knows this, and she knows that no matter how much Charles tries, Toto still won’t think he’s good enough for you.  

-

Susie reminds you that the best way to handle this, is to inform your father sooner rather than later. You agree, but you want to make sure that you and Charles are on the same page as well.  Thursday night, once again you are hiding out in Charles' hotel room, instead of staying in your own room.  The two of you cuddle together on the bed as a movie plays on the TV. 

“Charles,” you start off softly, afraid to disturb the delicate peace that’s settled across the room, “where do you see this going?” 

“What do you mean by that?” Charles asked, as he glanced at you.  

“Us, our relationship, where do you see it going?”  You stared at Charles, while listening to his steady heartbeat. 

“I don’t know,” Charles answers, his answer holds a brutal truth that you don’t like, you sit up to look at Charles, “but, I hope it goes far and long.”  Charles continues to lay in bed while you stare at him, “ I hope that it gets out of hotel rooms, and garage halls, and private phone calls.  I hope it gets you into some red Ferrari gear,” you smile at Charles’ preposterous hope, “I hope that it gets further than this. I love you y/n.”

“I love you too,” you reassure.   

“Why do you ask me that ma chère?” 

“I’m going to tell my father about us,” you say, “and your plans to move to Mercedes.”  You just have to tease him a little bit.  

Charles laughs at you, “you mean your plans to be a Ferrari fan from now on.”  And he always knew how to handle your teasing. 

You laugh going to kiss Charles, “that’s so much work,” you say with another kiss, “you should just switch teams.” 

Charles laughs sarcastically, he loves the banter.  “y/n,” he calls.  It stops you, he never uses your name, “I really do love you.”  He’s probably told you this same sentiment over a thousand times, but each time, it still feels like the first time.  

Your cheeks hurt from how hard you’re smiling, “I love you too.”  Somehow these ‘I love you's' are different, they’re more significant, more meaningful, more genuine, more heartfelt, more profound.  They’re more serious, because they’re not just ‘I love you,’ they’re a promise, a commitment, a lifetime, together.  

-

“Daddy, please can you be rational about this?” You ask as you follow your father about the Monaco home.  Trying to get him to stop complaining about your choices in men.  

“Why couldn’t you date George, at least you would still be supporting Mercedes,” your Father says as the two of you make your way into the kitchen to see Mamma and Jack. 

“Mamma do you hear him?” You ask, indicating your father as ‘him.’ “George is very much in a relationship, Father” 

“And what’s wrong with Lewis?” Your father clearly is not thinking about the age difference between you and Lewis.  

You looked to Mamma to see if your father was serious, and even she was shocked with the suggestion, “you would be okay with me dating someone that is 14 years my senior?” you ask with a brow raised to your father, “you’ve convinced me Daddy, I will stop seeing Charles and start seeing Lewis.” 

Your father sighs, “that is not what I…” 

“Daddy, I invited Charles over for dinner, tomorrow night, that way you can properly meet him as my partner, instead of as a driver.” You tell your father, hoping that you're just imagining the steaming coming out of his ears, “one dinner, Daddy, that’s all.  He makes me really happy.” 

“Okay,” your Father says.  You don’t miss the slight eye roll he gives though.  

“Thank you Daddy,” you say, giving him a hug, before running off to your room like a teenage girl to call Charles and let him know about dinner tomorrow night.  

After your father hears your bedroom door shut, does he turn to his wife.  “Susie,” he calls out, still listening for you, to see if you were coming back out. “A word, privately.” 

“Okay,” Susie answers a bit confused about the request, she turns to Jack, “why don’t you go play for right now.”  Jack nods along excitedly, before running out the room.  “Toto, what is it?” 

“She can’t date Charles.” Toto says, turning his full attention to his wife. 

“What?” 

“Susie, I have seen the drivers in relationships.  They have their girlfriend one weekend, then they have a club girl the next weekend, and then some lucky fan the following weekend.  Charles is no different.” Toto doesn’t hold back in his recounting of the drivers stepping out on their partners, “y/n is gonna get hurt, and her entire image will be tainted by being cheated on by Charles.” 

“Toto don’t you think you’re being a little unfair.” Susie tries her best to defend Charles, but she knows Toto is telling the truth.  She’s seen it too, from a number of drivers amongst the ranks throughout the years.  

“Charles is a hell of a driver, but I'm not gonna allow him to ruin my daughter.”  Toto declares as final, “we need to find a way to stop them from seeing each other before the public catches wind of their relationship.” 

“Toto,” Susie takes a breath, if they do this, they would have to tread very carefully, or they could end more than just your relationship with Charles.  “If she ever finds out that we are interfering in her life like this, she won’t forgive us, she's not a kid anymore.” 

“She wasn’t a kid when we pulled her from racing,” Toto drags up a long forgotten and regretted moment, “we do what we have to, to protect our children, regardless of how it may look.” 

“We’ll need to play this close to the vest.” 

-

To say the evening was filled with tension and awkwardness would be an understatement.  Your father continuously gave Charles dirty looks throughout the night, and you wanted to slap him for being so childish.  Susie was pleasant throughout the evening.  Jack was just being Jack.  He probably talked the most, asking Charles about what it was like to be a real race car driver. 

“This is a very lovely meal,” Charles says to Susie.  You appreciate him trying his best to not ruffle your father’s feathers. 

“Thank you Charles,” Susie appreciates the compliments.  She doesn’t know what is best, because Toto is determined to stop you and Charles from seeing each other.  

“Charles, did you ever pee in the car?” Jack asks, as he shovels another pile of food in his mother.  

“Jack,” you say in a scolding manner, while Charles just laughs at the question.  

Charles has to take a sip of water before answering, “I try my best to make sure I use the bathroom before I get into the car.”  

“Enough questions Jack,” you say to your little brother, getting irritated with how much he was talking.  

“I just wanted to ask the racecar driver,” Jack pouts.  He makes that face with an exaggerated frown, that almost makes you feel guilty.  

“Jack, we’re all race car drivers.  Me, Mamma and Daddy have all raced cars before and you never ask us.” you argue back, you almost feel stupid that you have to argue with a five year old.  

“But you didn’t make it to formula 1,” Jack points out, and now you don’t feel guilty, you just feel sad that Jack had to point out one of your biggest regrets in life.  

“Jack,” Susie says, scolding your brother.  

“I didn’t know you raced,” Charles says, turning to look at you.  

You smile, thinking back to the time, “Yeah, I did karting for years, then I did formula renault, F4 and F3.” 

“Why did you stop?” Charles asks, wondering how you could give it up. 

“I didn’t get a seat in Formula two, and the agreement was if I could get a seat I could race, but I wouldn’t pass up opportunities to race. I got into college, so I gave up racing and went back to school.”  You reveal to Charles, he can hear the regret in your voice, but he chooses not to point it out.  You don’t see that look Susie and Toto exchange when they hear your retelling of events. 

“I see,” Charles says, “It’s a shame, I think you would’ve been a hell of a driver.” 

You chuckle at Charles, “I would definitely have more wins than you by now,” you tease.  

“Oh?” Charles smirks at you, “you would?” 

“Of course I would, because I would be driving for Mercedes, for sure.” You chuckle at your own joke.  

Charles shakes his head at you, his smile spreading far and wide.  Susie watches you and Charles, she's been watching you throughout the night and she knows Charles is enough for you.  She knows that this is your person, that they will never be another that will be able to compete with Charles.  It's him or nothing.  

-

You skip the Hungarian grand prix, especially as the media releases pictures of you and Charles, going back to the Monaco Grand Prix.  Your father thought it best that you stay home, he wasn’t sure how people would react to the relationship news.  You spent a few days before your father left for Hungary, arguing with him that it was unfair to bench you, because of the possibility that fans won’t like the news. 

Clearly, your father won that argument as you sat at home in Monaco, watching the sessions through the TV, instead of being there in person.  What Toto doesn’t tell you, is that he wants you home, so that he can meet with Fred without you getting suspicious. 

After the qualifying session, Toto asked Fred, the team principal of Ferrari, to join him for dinner.  As the two men met away from the paddock, away from the cameras, from the drivers, from the team.  They sat in a private dining room, in an elite restaurant.  Only here did Toto feel comfortable asking what he was about to ask.  

“What are we doing here Toto?” Fred asks, as he sips the beer he ordered.  Fred wouldn’t say it, betraying his French roots, but he always preferred a bottle of beer over a glass of wine.  

“Fred, I have a favor to ask,” Toto requests, he ignores his gut feeling telling him that this is wrong, and continues on, “I want you to delay Charles' contract signing.” 

“Why would I do that?” Fred asks, delaying a contract signing seems like it’s not a big deal, but there's many implications to what that could mean.  

“You would do it, because then I will be in debt to you,” Toto says, he's thought about this, he knows his way through a negotiation. 

“Okay,” Fred says, he has a reason to do so, but what is Toto’s reason for asking? “Now why do you need me to do this?”  

Toto sighs, “y/n.” 

“Your daughter, I saw the news about her Charles,” Fred pauses, taking another sip of the beer, “well actually Charles told me about the relationship back in Miami.” 

“Miami?” Toto questions, “she didn’t tell me until after silverstone.” 

“Charles said he wanted me to know before the public knew, would like to know what else he said?” 

“What?” Toto sighs, once more. 

“Charles said he wants to do this right, that he is serious about her,” Fred offers. 

“We’ve both heard drivers say one thing and do another,” Toto fixes his posture, sitting up in the chair, “I won’t allow my daughter’s image to be run through by Charles.” 

“So you want me to delay a contract signing, to do what?  So you can scare Charles into picking a seat over your daughter? And what happens when he picks your daughter over his seat?”  Fred sits up in his chair as well, looking Toto square in the eyes.  

“If he picks my daughter over his seat, then I know he’s serious about her,” Toto stands upm buttoning his jacket, “but we both know he won’t do that.”  Toto sticks out his hand for Fred to shake.  

Fred stands to shake Toto’s hand, “this doesn’t mean I agreed to anything.”  

“You will agree,” Toto smiles, a little amused at the situation, “we both know me in debt to you is too valuable to pass up.” 

-

Since the news of your relationship has been made public, you and Charles are seen together around the paddock during the Belgian Grand Prix a lot more.  Although you guys did try to keep it as professional as possible, there weren't any public displays of affection between the two of you.  However, that went straight out the window after the race podium celebration.  

Instead of watching the podium you stayed in the garage with your father, since there wasn’t a Mercedes on the podium.  As soon as Charles was done with the podium celebration, he ran straight into the Mercedes garage to collect a celebratory kiss from you.  His, sweaty, champagne-covered, sticky self, pulling you into a tight hug with a deep kiss.   He had one arm wrapped around your waist, while his other hand held onto his trophy.  You were taken aback by the initial kiss, but soon you cupped his cheek and held him close.  

Charles would’ve kissed you longer, but he could feel the cameras on the two of you.  When he finally did pull away, you were a giggling mess that you didn’t even notice the cameras at first.  “Let’s go,” Charles whispers to you, “let’s get out of here.” 

You wanted desperately to leave right then and there with Charles, “I can’t,” you say.  You watch his smile drop just a little, “I have work to finish,” you say while giving the side eye to where your father sat in the Mercedes garage, watching you and Charles.  “And you have a press conference.” 

“Okay, after that then.” Charles says, kissing you on the cheek this time.  

“After that.” 

-

That night, while you and Charles celebrated his podium finish, the picture of you and him making out in the Mercedes garage after his podium celebrations, hit social media. That photo is more talked about than Max’s 8th grand prix win in a row.  That photo is in all the group chats around the paddock.  That photo makes it to the official formula 1 social media pages.  And the biggest take away is your father’s face in the background of the photo.  Everytime you look at it, you laugh knowing that your father most likely made that face subconsciously.  

Since summer break has begun, you spend more time with Charles than at home with your family.  Today, you just so happen to need a few things from your closet, that you stopped in the Monaco home.  That is when you could overhear your parents talking in your father’s office.  

“We need to be more discreet about this now,” your father says to Mamma. 

“Toto, I don’t think this is right.  It’s not fair to y/n or Charles,” Susie says.  Normally you wouldn’t eavesdrop on your parents, but the mention of you and Charles caught your attention.  

“I am trying to protect our daughter,” Toto says, and you can’t help but think. What is your father trying to protect you from? 

“This isn’t protecting her, this is your fear about what could happen,” Susie says.  You can hear in your mamma voice, she’s getting defensive.  

“Like how your fear pulled her from racing,” Toto says in a raised voice.  You’re completely confused as to what your father could mean with that statement.  

There’s a pause.  It goes silent for a second, and you listen closer.  “I was saving her life, we weren’t sure what the FIA would do after Jules.”  There’s a pain in Susie’s voice.  

“Safety measures were put in place,” Toto argues.  

“After you pushed back on them.” 

“I have changed my position on the halo, you know that,” Toto says.  Even though the wood doors separate you from seeing your parents, you can clearly imagine what this fight is looking like. 

“After Lewis almost dies!”  Mamma never shouts, is your singular thought after hearing that statement.  “What if you had gotten your way and the halo was never placed?  What if it was our daughter in that car?  I pulled her from racing to save her life, because you sure as hell wasn’t going to do it.”  Susie pulls open the office door to see you standing on the other side.  You watch her face drop from anger to sadness quickly.  “Sweetheart…” 

“Mamma… you pulled me from racing?” You question as the tears begin to well in your eyes. 

“Sweetheart…” Susie repeats, shes at a complete loss for words.  

“You told me that I wasn’t picked up for a seat.” you take a breath before you start crying, “was that the truth?” 

“Darling,” Toto calls out to you.  

“Was it the truth?” You ask again, this time you make the hurt evident in your voice, “you told me a team didn’t want to pick me for F2, was that the truth?” 

“You weren’t anybody’s first choice,” Susie pauses, “but you were on the list.”  You feel your break, as you start to cry.  “We worked a few negotiations to ensure that you didn’t get picked.  We worked to pull you from racing.”  

You were a hyperventilating mess, you couldn’t stop the tears, the sobs, the heartbreak from happening. “You told me…You told me, if I earned my seat without you or daddy interfering I could keep racing.  You promised that you would let me race.” 

“We wanted to protect you, we didn’t want what happened to Jules.” 

“Don’t you dare,” you snap at Susie, “don’t use what happened to Jules as an excuse.”  You walked away, racing up the stairs.  Towards your bedroom, you could hear your parents rushed footsteps as they followed after you.  You began to shove clothes into a bag, as you tried to violently wipe away the tears.  

“Where are you going?” Your father asks in a calm voice.  

“I’m gonna stay with Charles for a while.”  When you mention Charles, you remembered the beginning of the conversation.  You stopped packing your clothes.  Slowly you turned to face your parents.  “What did you do?” 

“Excuse me?” your father questions. 

“What did you do to Charles?  Mamma said it wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, whatever you were doing.  What did you do to Charles daddy?” You’re out of breath, you fear whatever your father has to say.   

You watch as your father sighs, he hangs his head.  “I asked Fred to delay his contract signing.  Ferrari wants to keep Charles, they’re going to give him whatever he wants.  I asked for Fred to just hold off on signing the contract.” 

You scoff at the revelation.  “Just long enough to scare Charles into picking a seat over me.  This is rich from the both of you.”  

“Sweetheart…” Susie calls out to you as she reaches to hold you.  

“Don’t touch me,” you snap once again.  You couldn’t tell if you were really angry or sad or shocked, but you did know you were just hurt.  Your parents had taken away your dreams, and they were trying to take away your love.  “You took away racing,” you take a breath, you strip away all the excess, you let them hear the hurt in your voice, “I won’t let you take Charles away too.”  

When you do make it Charles’ place.  When he opens the door for you, he sees you silently crying and shaking.  Your voice is hoarse already, that it’s only a whisper when you ask, “can I stay with you for a few days?” 

“Of course,” Charles says as he welcomes you inside.  When he finally closes the door, you drop your bag to the floor, and just hold onto Charles tightly.  He wraps his arms around you, providing you with the comfort you longed for.

-----------------------------

Part II

#formula 1 fanfic #formula 1 #formula 1 imagine #charles leclerc #formula 1 au #formula 1 angst #charles leclerc imagines #charles leclerc fanfic #charles leclerc imagine #scuderia ferrari #f1 ferrari #f1 charles leclerc #charles leclerc au #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc angst #toto wolff #toto wolff daughter #toto wolff au

[casualnepotism]

They’re still in me they’re still in me they’re still in me they’re still in me they’re

I’ve always stayed in battle mode longer. It’s a problem for most people, especially most other caravan guards. Makes them more like to destroy their own goods or something; they say they go crazy. I’ve always gotten calmer, more focused. It’s always made things clearer for me: I can see better, hear more, react faster. I’m just better. And I love it.

Still in me still in me still in me still

Today, though? Right now it sucks. Today all it allows me is a better look at the bodies. My people torn to shreds, sinking into each other under my feet. My people turning to goo and ash and whatever fucking combo that makes down in the pit, the whirring of the smoking blades competing, now, only with the buzzing of flies. My people destroyed, their guts and organs and blood soaking into my boots, turned into fucking burning rainbow sand under Cog’s spell. At the hands of this fucking bitchass cunt of a god who thought they could touch my people.

Still in me still in mestillinmestillinmestillin

And they were right. Cause I wasn’t here. Cause I kept the cup cause I wanted insurance. Cause I was stuck in my head dealing with Hastur cause I hurt I’den cause I fucking tried to do the right thing by telling her I was being the biggest cunt in the world. My people. Destroyed cause of me.

STILL IN ME

They tried to tell me. All of them, my friends, my dads, Gru’umsh. Valentine. Fuck, even Asmo got some jabs in there, telling me I’ll never be more than this. This. Killing. Fighting. Destroying. And I can’t even do that shit right. A chuckle sounds in the air, too loud; too genuine. Fuck. I gotta get everyone out of here. They’re all waiting around covering their mouths, stunted by the smell of death. Even Cog tied herself up with a bandana. And I just strolled on in; walked in without a care in the world like this shit is my favorite cologne. What the hell is wrong with me. The whole fight, I felt nothing. Nothing. Just annoyance. This bitch came to my town and put their hands on my people? Asshole. And then they died and I felt. Sad? No. I felt disappointed. I wanted more from them. It was like they, the fucking god of destruction weren’t enough. They weren’t enough.

Still in

I turn. My boots squeak with thick wetness and it’s horrible so I listen. Bones crack and organs pop under my feet as I walk back to my friends and I would stumble if I’d allow it. If I had the time or the space. My people died because I decided I had time to fuck around. Because I forgot what I’m for. Cog killed Gru’umsh and she should be rightly proud of that but she doesn’t know. She can’t know. Gru’umsh leaned in and told me themself, practically whispered it into my ear as they drank my blood.

Still

I wrap myself in the secret’s mantle, coming to terms with it as quickly as I have to. Immediately. Gesturing Jack and Kana to my sides, sending them out in search of gasoline and matches as I turn to congratulate my friends. My family. My people. I will protect them, this time. I will do whatever it takes. I will not fail my people again. How could I, when they’re still in me? When we’re still..

Still just me?

#girl help I was just thinking about how Gru’umsh said they’re still in sunny and then I started considering dark!sunny #It’s a Fun narrative foil to cog’s deal with the rq #beks don’t look at this it kinda sucks #also sorrrrryyyyy it's in first person pov unfortunately it has to be for me to write sunny prose cause i HATE myself #anyway i was just thinking it would be sexy and fun (and on brand) of sunny to accidentally make herself the vessel of gru'umsh #oh btw they/them pronouns for gru'umsh in this game so #✨diversity win ✨ the god who slaughtered all your people is nonbinary #also just in general i think. i think. #i think a lot about sunny and also #LOGISTICALLY i know the reason i'm kinda disappointed by the gru'umsh fight is that we've leveled a lot since we last fought them and it was #like 6 v 1 and we were all rolling really well so there wasn't MUCH ryan could do about it but still #NARRATIVELY i think it would be neat if the reason it was so easy is that sunny somehow accidentally became the HB of destruction #fellas? is it horrible to be built for protecc but so good at attac? #yes 😇😅😭 #um yeah anyway this is Not Good and also Not a Real Theory but it was fun? i guess? #that's not really true what it was was Necessary #also! allowed me to vent out my thoughts about why sunny's such a different person in combat than in rp #uhhhhh #also re: the bodies #gore #gore cw #blood #blood cw #bone #bone cw #death #death cw #body horror #body horror cw #i mean it's existential and metaphysical and metaphorical but still

[archive-of-the-guild]

“I don’t understand Hellhounds... Are they people? Pets? Both? They are certainly sapient but they end up being sold like a common beast....”

#Roako IC! #HH/HB Verse! #Open! #tw spoilers #saw the new episode and he has thoughts on Luna's backstory.