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shadowsageingempress · 2 years

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I’m not feeling too great.

This is probably going to be a long story. But before I go on, I want to say that what I said was wrong, and I am sorry for it.

So, here’s what happened.

Several months ago, I joined a discord server with a few others. It was based on something we all liked. It was really fun. We would talk about all kinds of things, fictional, real world and everything in between.

I genuinely thought, and still think, of these people as my friends. I truly care about them. I loved getting on the server because I loved seeing what everyone had to say. It was truly a bright spot in what is a pretty mundane life.

But then yesterday came along. And I messed up.

See, one of the things we did was make ocs and aus. This was something that I had fun doing. On this particular occasion, the au we were talking about was where we were replacing canon characters with our ocs. There are quite a few characters we came up with, and they aren’t just in the au, so some details were different between the “official” oc and the au oc.

So, a Friend and an Admin and I were talking about this au, and some of the original characters. I think the conversation was about Character A and Character B. A and B are in the same relative age group (relevant soon).

I took a break to do real world stuff, and forgot much of the details of our conversation.

So when I came back, I didn’t really notice that the conversation had somewhat shifted to focus on Character B and Character C. Friend and Admin were joking about their (platonic) dynamic.

Then… Then I made my mistake.

I, confusing B for C, made a, what I thought before I sent it would be funny, comment about how C was somewhere between fearing and falling in love with A.

That was my mistake.

Because you see, Character C (in this au at least) is 26. Character B is 15-16.

Friend and Admin were horrified, and once I realized (was told) about the age difference, I was just as horrified and disgusted with myself. How could I have fucked up so horribly? How could I have not realized who I was talking about? I still don’t know the answers to those questions.

After profusely apologizing, the Admin suggested that I stop for a while, as to not create a spiral. I agreed and went offline for a bit to try to clear my head.

I came back a little bit later, and resumed normal activities of sharing memes and complimenting people’s pets. I had hoped that we could just laugh this off and chalk it up as an honest mistake.

I was wrong.

I went offline again a bit later to do some chores irl. I came back onto the discord and saw that I wasn’t on the server any more. Strange, I thought. So I rejoined and tried to return to normal.

Then Admin messaged me in private. They said that I should’ve asked to rejoin. I agreed, as they were right. It probably would have been a good idea if I could ask to rejoin instead of just doing so. I just didn’t think of it. I apologized for that, and for the awful mistake I had made.

After a bit, I decided to ask to rejoin, as they had told me. Admin then informed me that I had been banned from the server, so I couldn’t rejoin even if I wanted to.

And I was. I was even banned from the similar server that Admin also ran.

I wasn’t angry. I was just sad. I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to talk and laugh and joke with these people, my friends any more. I loved seeing everything they could come up with, and I loved discussing new ideas for my own creations with them.

I cried a lot over the next several minutes, and once again at night.

I was even more devastated when I saw that Friend had blocked me here as well. This Friend was one of my favorite people on the server. They were always kind to everyone, they gave great inspiration and made great artwork, not to mention that they had some emotes that I find hilarious. This Friend, I think, was truly a friend.

It’s the next day after the “stunt” that I’m writing this. I’m crying while typing this out, my heart feels like it’s about to burst into flame, my stomach feels sick.

I know that the fault is mine. Had I known what was going on, had ai not confused the characters, I would have never made that mistake. But I’m afraid it’s too late now. I don’t know if this ban is temporary or permanent, but I will accept it either way. I made a mistake, and those are the consequences.

If Admin or Friend are reading this, I want you to know that I am truly sorry, and I am going to miss you both, from the bottom of my heart.

If any of my other former server friends are reading this, I hope you now know while I am gone. And I hope that we can still be friends.

#vent #goodbye discord #goodbye my friends #sad lady hours

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sixxamshitposting · 11 months

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this song was originally going to be the last on the record, but James wrote "Skin" as kind of an anthology of the message of the book, and when he showed it to Nikki and DJ, they told him it had to be on the record. So that's how that's the last track...this explains how "Goodbye My Friends" was supposed to be the closing.

To me this is a song about offing yourself. It really feels like that. Saying goodbye to everyone, burning your past...it hits home with some of the thoughts I've had in the past.

But I'm pretty sure they meant it as a "goodbye, well meet later, pls don't be too mad about all the shit I said".

So uh. Yeah. A little tidbit. If anyone could tell me where I was going with this that would be great.

#sixx:a.m.#goodbye my friends #this is gonna hurt #Spotify

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secretagentspydetectiveninja · 2 months

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posting this with absolutely no context

#am i a cryptid now? i log on like once in a blue moon to post cringe and then leave again #ace attorney #apollo justice #tikki #random stuff #my stuff #ooookay okay okay okay. anyone reading the tags can have a LITTLE context‚ as a treat #so. sitting on my ao3 currently is an unfinished fic with exactly this premise #i want to finish it so bad. it haunts me every day. people leave such nice comments and everything #but i just have no motivation. trust me i've tried #i thought that perhaps drawing it might finally kick my brain back into gear #i'm so sorry readers i'm sorry i WILL finish it i promise it's not abandoned #it was so much fuuuuun #tikki are you seeing this. cringefail author who keeps playing video games instead of writing lmao #anyway goodbye friends i am gone again. logging off once more

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alistairlowes · 10 months

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i'm sorry but this shit annoys me to no end. like this is about heartstopper and you all need to stop acting like that show invented everything.

fucking anyways

1. Koisenu Futari

Show that’s specifically made to be about aromanticism and asexuality as well as how aroace people are perceived by society. They are main characters. That’s the main plot.

2. Heartbreak High

Want a teen show with ace rep? No problem. One of the main characters is ace! Would you look at that! The representation already exists! It's got a ton of other rep too and it's on Netflix but somehow we never got that ace rep yet right? You don't even need subtitles for this one.

3. SkamFr (s12)

Is it a bit too much at times? Ye sure but you know what it also is? Another teen show where the main character is asexual that deals with asexuality as the main theme. And no you don't need to watch all those seasons before to get it.

4. Bojack Horseman

I didn't even watch this one but I'm aware.

5. Cherry Magic

Oh would you look at that a show with main mlm couple where one of the side characters is aroace? I mean surely it hasn't been done before.

6. Run On

You want some casual side character ace rep? Well here you go even kdramas have done it but I guess there just aren't any shows...

Honorary mention to Sex Ed for that one scene.

#asexuality #aroace show recs #aroace shows #i know there is more but these are ones me or my friend watched and we think they are good #alice o*eman would get a stroke over cherry magic because it's ~fEtIsHiSt BL so it couldn't possibly do what she does ://#and yeah i say that as someone who's fav book is radio silence #anyway if you actually cared about ace rep you would look beyond what is served to you by one streaming service goodbye #koisenu futari #heartbreak high #skam france #cherry magic #run on #bojack horseman

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ohsleepie · 6 months

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The prince and his Physician. A role-reversal au based on a dream I had that I wanted to draw something for. More ramblings under the cut

In this au, there is a kingdom of men where the briar valley once stood. Silver, the heir to this kingdom, has been the only member of the royal family for centuries, the result of a curse that causes him to die before he's old enough to ascend to the throne and reincarnate days after his passing. Silver's immortality was once a symbols for the kingdom's permanence, but the repeated death of their monarch every two decades or so has left the citizens with perpetual, generational sorrow with seemingly no solution as no one besides Silver was alive when the curse was placed.

A few centuries after Silver was born and it was believed the last full-blooded fae in briar valley had either abandoned the land or died, a draconian fae child is found in the brambles. This fae, given the name Malleus, was brought to the kingdom at the request if the prince and raised as part of the royal court with the express purpose of becoming the royal physician/chemist. It is believed that Silver's curse, as everlasting as it seems, was placed on him by a fae with extreme magical prowess and if anyone has a chance of breaking it, it's another fae. The kingdom believes that Malleus will be able to break the death curse and allow Silver to become their immortal king.

However, Silver has other plans for his chemist. From an early age, Silver requested that Malleus use his talents to find a different kind of solution to his curse that he can never tell anyone. He wants Malleus to find a way to stop his reincarnations entirely and let him unburden his people with the monarchy. Whether to fulfill the request of the kingdom he calls home, or the prince that took him in is in Malleus' hands.

#twisted wonderland #malleus draconia #silver vanrouge #fanart #my art #illustration #fantasy #listen im not saying this idea is GOOD not at all its kinda dumb. but thinking about malleus and silver and who is actually protecting who #this idea kinda plays offa that thought. theyre in service to eachother theyre bonded theyre dedicated and invested in eachothers wellbeing #choosing to weave their lives together despite the entanglements of their histories they WANT to be bonded #brothers but not exactly its its FRATERNAL it is woven theyre best friends but not #oh its just too complex to put to words goodbye forever #prince and physician au

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chiricat · 1 year

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honky star rail stuff 🍡

#i hope dango trio sticks. i saw someone use the dango emoji for them and they are so RIGHT #honkai star rail #hsr #honkai star rail fanart #cat’s art #dan heng #stelle #march 7th #trailblazer #i tried posting this 4 times. bro #anyways. huge dan heng fan. massive dan heng fan even #i have many thoughts about this game but nowhere to put them! all this energy and excitemeny #i don't want 2 bother my friends more than i already do tbh. i feel like i share too much hsr stuff that i find #anyways x2. I THINK ABOUT THEM SOOOO MUCH OKAY GOODBYE FOR NOW #dango trio #🍡

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jackshiccup · 7 months

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some modern hijacks for the soul (and bumping shoulders as a love language)

shoutout @midoristeashop for these swag brushes <3

#having thoughts abt long distance hijack..#them meeting at an exchange program or whatever in college #and hitting it off and becoming rly good friends #cue the dancing around each other hence the shoulder bumps as a flirting tactic 😭#hiccup confessing at the airport just when theyre saying goodbye ahaaahaha..#ANYWAY seriously these brushes r SOOO fun #i love it… thamk u..#what better way for me to test them out than with drawing the sillies..#hijack #frostcup #jackshiccup art #my art #hiccup #jack frost #httyd #rotg #jack wants to run his hand thru hiccup’s hair soooo bad can u tell #ok sleepy time <3

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hajihiko · 8 months

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🙊 not ready for THAT confession

#Hajime hinata #Fuyuhiko kuzuryu #Sdr2 #Super danganronpa 2 #Danganronpa 2 #Danganronpa #Kuzuhina #An art #I have a tattoo for my friend group! Friends can get tattoos for friends #But also. Yknow. Blah blah devotion blahbla the Permanence. The 'you changed me for good'. The stick and poke. The back of the neck. Anywa #I'm gay. Goodbye

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almond-gallery · 4 months

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an enjolras because i miss him

#les miserables #les mis #enjolras #never forget your roots...#now that im done with my orv reread i want to reread lm bc one long sad book wasnt enough #dear les mis friends who may or may not be reading these tags. have you heard of omniscient reader #do you want to read a long long novel that will make you a bit sad.#with a protagonist thats kind of an everyman but also kind of not. who is a bit over self-sacrificing #and has an adoptive daughter #have you read orv. will you read orv. when will you read orv #i'll stop proselytizing now. goodbye

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solarisfortuneia · 3 months

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— 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐭𝐞𝐬.

and the smell of camphor dancing in the wind.

✦ info: he didn't know he'd lose you so soon. (come back, please. even if it is just for five more minutes.)

✦ featuring: alhaitham.

✦ warnings: angst, character death (reader), heartache, 1.2k words, somewhat proof-read.

✦ notes: i cried so goddamn hard writing this. why is my first work after hiatus pain. why did i pick up the angst wip. but!! i'm writing again, so that's good. (more notes at the end.)

he didn’t know that it was your last day together.

he didn’t know that the smile you gave him that afternoon, your eyes sparkling like sunlight upon the serene waves of the ocean, would be the last he’d ever see. that the playful light in your gaze would fade so very soon, slipping through his fingers like sand.

he didn’t know that last night would be the last time he held you close while you drifted off to sleep. he didn’t know that today would be the last time he’d wake up with you.

he didn’t think he’d lose you like this.

he didn’t think he wouldn’t be able to save you from that blow.

“please, please,” he begs, both to you and to whatever force that is just barely holding you together. “just stay with me for five more minutes, please. until i can get you somewhere.”

the rain soaks him to the bone, clothes and hair sticking to his skin. your lips stay motionless, eyes shut.

“wake up, please,” he bargains. “you can have all the five minutes of extra sleep you want later, i promise. just—” his vision blurs, and something shines on the ground before it is gone, swallowed by damp earth, lost amidst drops of falling rain.

desperately, he tears off parts of his traveling cloak to staunch the bleeding. deep inside, he knows it is futile. he knows your wound is too great. he knows what lies ahead. but he cannot help but press the cloths to your wound and pray.

please, please tell me it’ll be okay.

please stay with me, beloved. i’ll read you all the books in the world. i’ll sleep in with you everyday, even if we end up whiling away our time.

please. stay. stay with me. i can’t lose you yet.

“— just wake up, beloved.”

by some miracle, your eye flutters. just a bit. just enough to set hope ablaze, just enough for the grip on his heart to loosen a tiny bit. he buries his face in your shoulder, resting his head against your neck, uncaring of the blood that stains his clothes. your blood. on his clothes. his hands. everywhere.

no. no. this can’t be happening.

he feels you strain beneath him, your unwounded arm gently, weakly brushing his back. he jolts upright, eyes trained on your face. you send a frail smile his way. he clasps your face softly as you nuzzle into his palm.

“alhaitham—”

his full name. archons, how long has it been since you called him that?

“— take good care of yourself, okay?” you tell him, chest heaving, your fingertips touching a tear on his cheeks. “i love you. so much.”

those are the last words he hears fall from your lips. he presses a kiss to your forehead, to your eyelids, and to your cheeks and to your lips, over and over and over until he feels your breath slow, hoping they’ll say what he knows he cannot manage to choke out.

i love you.

he stays there next to you for who knows how long, holding you until the rain slows and a faint rainbow smiles in the sky.

until he can’t smell camphor anymore.

—

every person has their curiosities.

they’re just the little traits that set them apart from others, the things that make them tick just a little bit differently, the things that make them, them.

for instance, someone may be obsessed with collecting tiny furniture, while another eats the crusts off their sandwich before actually consuming it. someone may have an affinity for the most niche aspects of linguistics, while another can accurately predict the next raindrop that slides down a window pane.

after all, no two people are exactly alike, are they?

alhaitham knows he’s got his fair share of these curiosities himself. his aversion to soup and all things that resemble it, to name one. and with you, he’d noticed two things.

number one: the scent of camphor that seems to linger on every inch of your person.

he’d caught whiff of it almost immediately the first time you met. you were but one of his juniors in the akademiya, filled with bright-eyed curiosity and anxiety to match. you had tripped over a stair and bumped into his table in the library, bringing the mountain of books in your arms crashing down.

and with subsequent coincidental meetings, he learnt that the subtle scent of camphor dancing in the air meant you weren’t far away.

you were, unfortunately, one of the poor souls who seemed to be cursed with constantly recurring minor illnesses, and almost always walked about with a stuffy nose. and so, you always carried a small disc of camphor in a handkerchief, as well as in your pocket.

you swore up and down, left, right and center that sniffing the vapors helped make breathing easier.

‘it’s my grandmother’s remedy, alhaitham! camphor always works wonders. well, that and eucalyptus oil.”

alhaitham may not know the validity of your claim or the legitimacy of the cure, but he knew to never, ever question a grandmother’s remedy. that, and he’d much rather refrain from starting a back-and-forth about something so small.

and number two: your neverending pleas of different variations of ‘just five more minutes!’

“five more minutes, ‘haitham. please.” you’d whine grumpily when he woke you up to start your day. “let me sleep in for five more minutes.”

“five more minutes, habibi,” you’d ask when he put down the story you’d requested he read out to you before bedtime. “read me the part where she finds the music box?”

“five more minutes, baby,” is what you’d tell him when he asks how much longer you’d take getting ready. “you can’t rush perfection!”

those five more minutes were never five minutes long.

but he’d always, always indulged you and those pleading eyes of yours. as stoic as he appeared to be, you lived in his heart. of course he could never deny you anything under the sun.

—

alhaitham remembers that silly little song you sang over and over, the one you’d learnt from a kid in the bazaar. he’d taken you to see one of nilou’s performances, and, friendly soul that you were, you’d struck up a conversation with some of the eager audience members before the play.

“oh, how i wish i was a bird flying free,

i’d see the world, every mountain and every sea!

oh, how i wish i was a cloud in the sky,

wouldn’t you like to wave to me as i pass by?”

you’d hum that rhyme on every idle afternoon.

loss is inevitable. he knows that, with how logical and rational and straightforward he is. he’d lost his parents, but he was far too young to remember. he’d lost his grandmother, but she passed in her sleep of old age, serene and wise.

but you? he didn’t think you’d leave him this soon. a singular wish sits in his soul, making its home in his bones.

a wish that you’d come back, somehow.

he wishes you gave him five more minutes, just as he always did. but he knows that you could’ve given him five more hours, five more days, five more years and five more decades and it would still not be enough time spent with you.

a blue feathered bird comes to perch on his shoulder, interrupting his musings just as he raises his face to the sky. he sees the heart shaped cloud that floats idly above sumeru city.

he thinks of the rhyme again, and something in him tells him to wave. and so he does. a scent so familiar lingers, faintly brushing his nose in the wind that picks up.

“alhaitham, it's time to go.” kaveh calls his name softly.

alhaitham doesn't move. “five more minutes,” he says, echoing your favorite phrase. “i smell camphor in the breeze.”

✦ extra notes: my alhaitham characterization for this fic stems from how i believe that when alhaitham is attached, he's attached. so i focused more on that, and less of all that rationality and whatnot. this one loves deeply, yk?

that camphor thing is a real grandma remedy in our household (my mom would tie some in a hanky and put some under my pillow and still to this day reminds me to do it when i'm sick) which is what originally sparked the idea for this

when i'd initially started this wip, i didn't expect it go this way. usually i write with my brain, but i think i wrote this one with my fingers working faster than i can think hsjhsj so sorry if it's kinda out of place lmao but yk what? i'm happy with it still even though i feel like it doesn't have my usual quality.

thanks for reading.

#—🖋#・ nouveau livre ˎˊ˗#astronetwrk #genshin x reader #alhaitham x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x you #alhaitham x you #genshin x you #emotional blabbering ahead in the tags beware #this is hitting me in a place i didn't know existed hjsjs #like. i haven't lost anyone but i have lost my life as i know it?#this past year was full of so many endings and i've been struggling in some way everyday #like i didn't know that the last time i saw my friends would truly be the last time we ever saw each other #i didn't know that i'd be bidding goodbye to my parents as i left home through an airport #ANYWAY ENOUGH DUMPING. ig i'm just telling you to hug the people you love tighter and cherish every moment you spend with them #time goes by really quickly and you don't know where it'll go #ily guys #ew barf feelings </3 /j

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