#gonna sleep!! or try to anyway i just hate this i hate myself i hate that person even though they don't deserve it

[idkwhatever580]

More than you’ll ever know

[{pairings: Natasha romanoff x reader}]

{prompt- Natasha comes home from a long mission to find y/n curled up in her hoodie.}

(she/her pronouns I might use they/them in the mix as well. Just whatever I write lol)

[|warnings~ cursing probably. Tad bit of angst not a lot but lots of fluff|]

An; I actually hope this turns out good bc idk what to do if y’all hate it. It’s probably gonna be cringey but I live for that anyways sooo hope y’all enjoy!

————————————————————————————————————————

Nobody’s pov?

Natasha walks into her room and sets her duffel bag down on the floor with a sigh. She immediately looks around for her girlfriend and frowns.

“What the fuck?” She mumbles tiredly.

She takes a good look at her room and sees everything a mess. Trash and clothes everywhere. The sheets are a stray and the floor is covered in dirty laundry. Natasha huffs.

All she wanted was to come home from her week long mission to her girlfriend and the least she expected was a clean room.

She quickly realizes that y/n isn’t in their room and she decides to leave the cleaning for later and switches over to the task of finding her beloved.

She steps into the hallway and says “Friday? Where is y/n/n”

“Mrs. Y/n is in the third floor lounge room ma’am.” The ai quickly replies.

She mumbles a quick thank you and starts her trek to find her girlfriend.

Natasha steps in the elevator and Friday already knows where she wants to go so it starts moving. Natasha stretches her aching muscles a bit and the bell dings.

She steps out to find the lounge in a similar state as their room except for there is a mound of blankets on the couch. She smiles knowing that the amount of blankets y/n uses is unreasonable but cute.

She silently walks to y/n’s pile and slowly uncovers her one layer at a time.

Y/n’s Pov

I am sleeping in the lounge and I feel my blankets being torn away from me.

Okay maybe torn is a bit dramatic but hey I am the girl I’ve always been.

I quickly grab the hand that is above my face to stop them from touching me. Although my eyes are closed I grip their wrist tightly and say,

“If you so dare say one word I’ll have Natasha beat your ass when she gets home”

I hear a familiar chuckle and my eyes open widely and I see my girlfriend. I immediately jump over the edge of the couch into her arms and she says,

“Are you gonna make me beat myself up?”

I glare at her as I pull away from the embrace and then I look around and finally realize how bad it’s gotten.

Usually whenever Natasha leaves I can handle myself but sometimes my mental health gets worse and I find myself unable to get out of bed. So that’s where this has gotten me.

I look at Natasha and she has a concerned look on her face and she says,

“Детка, what’s all this?”

I suddenly break and tears start welling up. I feel awful for having her come home to a depressed mess like me. I quickly try to give her an explanation.

“I don’t know! I- I just stopped picking things up and then next thing I know it’s a whole depression room”

I hide myself in her neck and a few tears fall, but she comforts me and says,

“Oh, Детка, you always know you can ask anybody in the compound for help. Don’t just lock yourself up. Come on. Let’s go to our room and get you in a bath.”

I look down and nod my head. Instead of making me walk she carries me like a koala and I hang onto her tightly.

She gets a bath running and helps me in and then I say,

“You’re not getting in with me?”

She smiles and looks down at me and says,

“I’m gonna do something really quickly okay? I’ll be right back just relax.”

I pout but nod my head nevertheless knowing she probably has to go give some paperwork to Nick or something like that.

After about 10 minutes she comes back in and I smile at her.

“You’re such a cutie”

I say to her. She sits down on the toilet next to me and smiles and says,

“I’m the cutie?”

I nod my head and explain further,

“You’re so baby girl. Like. Just cutie pie.”

Natasha chuckles a bit. Oh god. How her laugh makes me blush. Even after two years of dating she never fails to give me butterflies.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been called cute before… most people would say that I’m quite the opposite.”

I pout at her words and quickly quip,

“Well then, I guess most people don’t know you and that’s literally so tragic because if I never met you I don’t know what I’d do.”

She smiles at me and says,

“Why don’t we get you out and let’s watch some movies?”

I hum and get out. She helps me dry off even though I protest she doesn’t let me do it myself, so I just let her do her own thing.

She gets me my favorite pjs and we go to the room and I freeze.

Everything is gone and cleaned. All the trash. All the clothes. I look to Natasha and say,

“Did you do this?”

She shrugs her shoulders and says,

“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t.”

I roll my eyes and give her a kiss on the cheek. We get into the bed with fresh sheets on them and I immediately cuddle into her side. She goes for the remote and I shake my head and say,

“I just wanna lay here with you. No tv. No nothing. Just us”

She smiles and nods her head and says,

“I like that idea. I love you.”

I smile and kiss her softly. Deliberately avoiding saying ‘I love you’ back to her knowing it’s a pet peeve.

She pouts and I find it so cute and she says,

“Say I love you back.”

I look at her and say,

“Why?”

She fake gasps and says,

“You have to if you love me! Do you not love me?”

I shrug my shoulders and say,

“Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t.”

She pouts at me using her words against her and she says,

“You’re mean.”

I look at her and decide to be nice again so I say,

“And you’re the smartest, kindest, most loving, cutest, person on this earth. I love you so so much more than you’ll ever know.”

She blushes and smiles at me. I look at her and say,

“I’m sleepy”

Then as if on queue, a big yawn comes out from me, and Natasha giggles a bit. She snuggles closer to me if that’s even possible and says,

“Sleep baby. You’ll need your energy for tomorrow”

I groan when I remember that Natasha and I are training together. I’ve gotten out of training with everyone else this past week knowing they’d never make me do anything since Natasha romanoff is my girlfriend, but she won’t let it slide.

I decide to worry about it tomorrow and just focus on the fact that my baby is home and all is well in the world. Even if it isn’t.

——————————————————————————

An: I hope y’all like it! It’s a bit long but I couldn’t find a good place to finish it. And I wanted to add more lol. Please please please leave some constructive criticism for me lol. I need to work on my writing I’m sure. And feel free to leave requests anywhere :)))

#fanfic #avengers #marvel #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff

[miallurk]

In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!

#i am losing my sanity day by day #drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day #why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about #don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha #ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't #fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess #am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story! #i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow #vent ig #my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol #nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays #at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig #anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs #when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop #anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go #please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you #i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just. #all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this #for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect #and care made me expect it more? fuck #i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person. #everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things #long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider #my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at #at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person. #my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got #to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me. #this is showing so many issues. #so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12 #i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering

[seventh-district]

it’s finally getting cold enough that i can bring my cardigan collection back into rotation without feeling like i’m gonna melt into a puddle the second i step outside!!!

#Seven.txt #my face #i have rematerialized back out of the void to once again make my once-in-a-blue-moon selfie & life update post #i’m running on 4 hours of restless sleep and the single banana i ate for lunch earlier today. let’s do this #hrrrrg i hate the lighting in my bathroom but i refuse to take pictures in the absolute Mental Illness Disaster Zone™️ that is my bedroom #anyways. got diagnosed with Mystery Pain Syndrome at the dentist today. so now i take ✨steroids✨ #the less funny explanation is that my tooth still hurts with pressure nearly a month post-root canal and That’s Not Good #so we’re trying some new medications to see if that fixes it. and if not then who knows. root canal pt.2 the sequel. or extraction. sigh #and so the Dental Saga continues. todays visit went quite well in spite of the unforeseen mystery pain delaying the tooth-shaving plans #we had some time to kill so he managed to fill some of my other tiny cavities while i was there today so that’s good #okay moving on. what else. uhh. OH they finally came out and ran the fiber to the house last week!!! now i’m just waiting on one more- #-guy to come and finish the interior install and the long awaited fast internet will finally be mine eheheheheeeee #now i can feel my hours upon hours of unedited gameplay footage breathing down my neck :) #man i’ve got so much stuff piled up right now. i’m drowning in Tasks and it’s a lil overwhelming but i’ll handle it all! eventually #uhhhhm my current writing project is coming along well! i’ve never put so much time and effort into a oneshot before in my life #its a labor of love though and i think i’m gonna be really proud of myself (and the fic) once it’s complete #even if no one reads it bc it’s so goddamn self indulgent and kinda lowkey throws canon out the window but like. fuck it! #if i want Astarion to write a song on piano and perform it for me while mentally taking me on a trip down memory lane. then so be it #fr though i’ve never written anything quite like this and i rlly want to do it justice. even if its unrealistic i still want it to be Good #in other news i received word that one of the chickens i sponsor at my local Gentle Barn has passed away so i had a lil cry abt that #i feel so bad for his little tiny chicken wife. they obviously loved each other and it’s like. so sad when one half of an old couple dies #like. she pulled him out of his depression after his 1st wife died. now who’s gonna be there to pull Her out… #anyways let’s not get all sad about that again. in happier news my cat who i presumed died/got killed has returned home uninjured!!! #after that huge stray dog chased her into the woods i thought we’d never find or see her again #but then the morning after i started grieving her she showed back up hungry as hell yet completely unharmed like the enigma that she is #so that’s one definite highlight from earlier this month. uhh what else. rapid fire summary of the past few weeks let’s go- #Jersey turned 10! Bullet turned 10! my 6 year Veganniversary happened! i’m approaching 700 days on DuoLingo! #i’ve written more than 20 thousand words! i’ve been facing some fears! fighting my OCD! taking care of myself! (kinda!) #anyways things are far from being all sunshine and roses around here but i’m trying to focus on the good stuff for the most part #for now tho i have a headache and have reached 30 tags so it’s time to go shovel some mashed potatoes into my mouth :)

[raksh-writes]

The changing time thing, daylight saving or whatever it's called, is such a bitch every. time. Not only do I struggle to fall asleep before 2 am now, but I also have (useless) classes at 8am tomorrow, so Im getting up before 5am and I expect to get no sleep at all. While Im feeling quite sick, too. It's gonna be a joy :")

#personal #vent #sorry for venting so much today yall #Im just being a lil miserable fool #its 3 long days of back to back classes and the next two are 8am #Im gonna be Dying #my neck is still aching something fierce #in that dull way thats making me feel sick #and Im Tired #Id honestly go to sleep if I Could Fall asleep rn #the ache is radiating into my jaw and all over my napr I hate it #washing my hair today is gonna be awful #and I have no energy to make food for the next three days #surviving's gonna be a trial and a half #but if I manage #Im gonna reward myself with some BG3 #maybe even a lil' tonight #if I manage to prep some food #I could do an hour or two #Im not gonna sleep well anyway so #might as well try to have some fun first

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[deityofhearts]

I just want attention but I want for people to actually want to give me attention without me having to all but beg for it (and even then I end up begging for attention, that’s what this post is)

#deity dialogue #I can’t exist without some form of attention and if I’m not receiving attention and interaction then everything just seems pointless you #know? I don’t expect constant attention from any one person that’s absurd and not like someone’s job #I just hate the feeling of loneliness and being unwanted or a burden #I know there are people who do like me and my presence and like hearing from me and i and very very grateful to you all #so hi hi if you see this post I love and appreciate you #I’m not making this post to diminish the affection and attention I receive from others #I guess just to voice that I’m constantly hungry for attention like some sort of attention vampire #blah blah I could pinpoint why exactly I’m like this but it would do no good #just like the feeling of not getting enough attention or feeling like I’m unwanted when o do recieve attention or try my best to get peoples #attention #I’m just tired of being this way but it hasn’t changed yet I try so hard to not be bothered and to not care and to not keep craving #attention or like going out of my way to get peoples attention and yet #anyways sorry for my depressing late thoughts I should go to sleep but once again I cannot #I did however make myself cry because my own thoughts (again) #I’m gonna go check on my forehead and then like idk #resume reading the stupid vampire webcomic or like make myself try and sleep #I need more sleep medicine but I don’t have the money to spare for that lmao #any money I have rn is in savings for my impending phone bill #i can just sleep during the day. also like a vampire

[bingotime]

#doodling hassan cuz that usually cheers me up #kinda heelpin a little kind of. #also trying to visualize shit in my head its the same thing i always telll myself and its kind of comforting but equally. man #this shit sucks #why couldnt i just be normal in the head. im tired of like. barely living ykwim #its easier to see myself as mental because i am mental and i am neurotic but #i just.......... dont want other people to think im mental even though thats clearly whats going on #im just sufferin for no reason and i need to make the steps to get better i guess #i had a therapist but it was for transitioning not for my depression or anxiety #it was just to prove i was trans #and im glad abt that but. that doesnt fix the underlying problem #i still have problems a lot of them #i hate that ive been like this since middle school #idk im rambling #gonna sleep soon anyway. itll help #im tired #i dont wanna do this anymore #i just wanna be happy and normal

[yukinyaminyato]

im so frustrated im about to rip all my (ugly) hair out

#ive been trying to fix my laptop's problems all day with no result. it just seems to be getting worse #thanks microsoft. thanks windows update. #i guess i gotta do a factory reset #and yeah i still hate my hair. i still haven't started packing bc of all this. i was supposed to do that today #guess im gonna try to fix my hair by myself which is probably not wise but idc at this point... #anyways im hoping that resetting my laptop would somehow get rid off all the pre-installed mcafee crap #bc ive been trying to remove it with no success #ok but maybe I'll just go to sleep and continue worrying in the morning #my flight is on friday i rlly don't need all this shit that's trying to ruin my plans #my posts

[silenthillbunni]

.

#ok im not gonna let myself complain abt it too much. even if complaining is very cathartic to me. like its just part of the process #anyway im gonna try to not do that.... #but yeah i hate being ill and in pain. it's like a veil is pulled over myeyes and the entire world gets so dark and scary #idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy #my experience with healthcare is sadly that treatment never helps and nothing gets better #so that's why i always get kinda depressed when something like this happens #the doctor suspects it is gallstones. and i got those rectal pills skskks that i'll try for the pain #then i just need to wait to get an ultra sound scan so they can check for gallstones. then i dont know #i was too stressed to ask her abt diet and such but im reading online and im like?? idk what im supposed to eat #that pain is just fkn awful and im so scared of triggering it #esp bc i dont fkn know how to put a pill up my ass that stresses me out even more #if i had an ordinary life i.e a job and friends and such it's easier to handle these things. but when u feel vulnerable nd scared it makes #it sm worse..... #and im so fkn stressed abt school now!!!! how am i supposed to sit and class when im in pain???? and barely sleeping #yeah idk. i need to find a way to get thru this ksksks :((((( #maybe im over dramatic or smth. i prob am. but i cant describe it im just in sm pain and im scared and confused and stressed af #i also have no idea how long this will last or if i can start eating normally and when i can start going for my walks again #like will this not pass until they remove the potential gallstone or what?? #i hate this pain sm it hurts so bad i dont know how long i'll be able to endure it #im also getting closer to a depression so.. idk im just not ok rn ksks

[devildairymilkfairy]

.

#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps #i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new #but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate #like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain #i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again #ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings #overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist #plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not #anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of #him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now #dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking #of my self and being so damn possessive all the time #ash rambles #fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..

[puppysdog]

having a whats the point of it day

#.txt #ill be fine im just struggling and need to vent #but man whats the point. i cant keep things clean. i cant get my shit together. i can barely even try and be healthy #i hate almost every emotion i have because i dont feel like im ever expressing it right or feeling it right #and im probably not bc awtism #im so tired again all the time #every couple of months i get like this and im like ill be better we can get things together #and i do one thing and then let it all build up again #i want to be better but i barely have the energy to be good #i get upset and angry at myself so easy and i want to hit myself but thats bad #i feel like im faking it all anyways and its not that hard. that im just being a baby #so its fucking stupid to feel like this anyways #but if i cant get around it then whats the god damn point!!! #my day off and im spending it trying not to cry in bed #i was gonna get up and go to the park but whats the point. im just gonna go back to sleep like i always do #and waste my life #and somehow still be tired after and make everything bad #whatever maybe when i stop crying ill clean something and pretend it makes me feel better #upsetting andrew with this lol. love being the worst <3

[milo-is-rambling]

Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)

#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad #so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow #I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that #I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever #out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it #down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired #5) period tired and chronic pain tired #like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did #nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt #like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work #like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind #gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the #heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle #my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has #an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to #move #hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall #asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo #going to think about the future because I want to live !!!! #anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother #and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and #then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again #or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed #either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it #it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of #the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am #and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression. #I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a #bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like #weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible

[samuraisharkie]

girl help I’m experiencing that common yet elusive late night motivation to get my life together knowing it will fall apart in the morning </3 girl fucking help me

#I hate ittt #I’m always like ‘I’m gonna start doing this’ or ‘I’m gonna finally try and get myself in a place where I can maybe take college classes’ #and ‘I’m really gonna try and fix my sleep schedule and stop getting distracted instead of getting something accomplished’ #and then in the morning evil me is back and they hate me and everything else #and would sell the world to hell for five more minutes of sleep #and my executive dysfunction has its claws in me again #man it sucks being so behind. I don’t want to like complain and make it sound like I’m worthless bc I’m not but man it’s hard #it’s hard watching ppl younger than you achieve your dreams of learning and getting better and breaking through that mental fog #they’re not always much younger either just like. two years is enough to make me wonder what would have happened if I was there #I know it’s not all in my control why I’m here either— there’s a lot of factors at play #but one of them IS that growing up I couldn’t never beat that executive dysfunction plus mental fog and procrastination #and then I shot myself in the foot by saying I waited to long and shouldn’t even try #and now I’m realizing I could but the years I spent fighting with myself weigh me down now and then #I can’t let it get to me because if I let myself get weighed down by it all I pull others down with me #but sometimes it does make me sad. and frustrated. when I feel this motivation when im lying in bed tired at some ungodly hour #suddenly struck with wanting to change my life and not having the daylight nor the physical/mental ability to get it done right then #not to mention the privacy. if I chose to get up at the buttcheeks of midnight and morning I would be not only destroying my own schedule #but disturbing a bunch of others too #anyway this wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant sorry #I haven’t talked a lot lately so it’s all bubbling inside I guess

[jackalopefreckles]

SURGEON SAID I COULD TAKE OFF THE MEDICAL BINDER IT FEELS WEIRRD ITS SO WEIRD IM LAYING IN BED AND LIKE what the fuck what the fuck I can feel my whole fucking??? Just me what the fuck whatr eufkc wbat3 the fuck

#this is amazing and kinda overwhelming and idk Im gonna try and sleep without it but Im also able to?? breath with my whole chest AND?? #i dont feel those fucking triple ds this whole time part of me was feea #freaking just the fuck out #i kinda am now Just its so nice #but like kinda sad because it feels a bit too much like being the only one at the hormone clinic by themselves #like youre happy and its great but even the doctor is going to ask questions about why youre alone #especially on your first appointment and idk its not a lie to say that they were just busy #its also not a lie to say no one knows #lots of people know about this thing though and Im less alone I guess but idk #still weird?? #to be laying in bed like oh fuCK someone could touch my bare chest and it wouldn't make me wanna mckill myself lmao #oH FUCK. I JUST TOUCHED KT WHAT RHE FUFK WHAT THE FUCK #FUCK I SHOULDVE DONE THIS EARLIER EVERYONE I KNOW IS ASLEEP FUCK FUCK #ugh hate being alone :/ but not enough to give my time to this one dude who wont fucking stop texting me LMAO #hes a fucking creep tho smh like pls stop calling me cute first off I know second youre probably at least twice my age and no offense but #no #nope #just all the bad vibes and I know I have anxiety but esp the continued texting after Ive.... straight up ghosted for AWHILE now #yeah nope #ANYWAY BACK TO HOW HOT AND SEXY I AM AHHHH #someone come spoon me

[blakelywintersfield]

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#hmmm i can see how xanax can be addictive. especially if its not uncommon to grow tolerant to it at lower doses. #not gonna actually abuse it because it *is* my brother's and i *did* tell my parents i was only going to use it as a substitute for my #clonidine until i can get back on it. i'm not going to use up a medication someone else needs. i would never fuck someone over like that. #no matter what some people may believe. plus i really shouldn't be on any benzos long term anyways. #i'd much rather take the medication that helps me sleep and keeps me from having constant intrusive nightmares and stress dreams about the #people i love being harmed or dying‚ or the people who pretended to care coming back and hurting me more. i'd love to not have to deal with #that every fucking night. i'd love to just sleep and mundane dreams i don't even remember and actually get some rest. xanax doesn't do that #xanax just calms my constant anxiety enough to get my brain to shut off in time to sleep. it doesn't do much else for the sleep issues. #it DID make me feel pretty okay when i first took it but yeah not so much now and that's not its intended use but. yeah. i can see how it #can become addictive now. maybe now i have more leverage to get my fucking trauma medication back. #and try something other than fucking prozac. because prozac hasn't done SHIT for me and i'm sick of it i've gotten MORE irritable. #put me on zoloft or something idgaf just stop insisting i take this useless shit. #or paxil. or something other than an ssri i don't know i don't care #just give me something that'll stop me from wanting to kill myself isn't that the fucking *point* of these things? #ugh. whatever. i'm going to bed. i hate being alive. i hate being awake. i hate feeling. i hate everything.

[voidcoretxt]

#obsessed w this image. i love himmm #bought volume 8 when i was in warsaw yesterday :-) yayyy #but . um. hey so like i think Ios camp should all be hunted down for creating heart swells/pacific daylight time. like Hello. Stop It. #sleep well... i feel......... uve ruined me forever.......... <- least tortured 16 year old dealing w a disastrous first relationship #17 year old in A WEEK. WHO CHEERED #but yeah oh woah i hope the shadow man fucking kills me in my sleep tonight this SUCKS. just like so bad #the first time ive listened to this song i . like. mhh #so like this is how you spell hahaha ive destroyed the hopes and dreams of a generation of faux-romantics Fucked Me Up #for a solid month i just felt like dogshit about like the Everything about me #i really saw myself in the character of the woman in this and i Hated it. this song genuinely changed me a lot #for good i think. ive been trying to start reading again (its going. badly.) and i dont think id be doing this if it werent for this song #but still. it made me hate myself on like a brand new fucking level. shit was crazy. but i kept listening to it cause i loved it #now. heart swells/pacific daylight time i had to skip on my first (& only) listen of we are beautiful we are doomed #i got like 40 seconds into it and just realized that Oh Wow. I Cant Do This. #the Everything that ive been upset about these past few months was too fresh back then. and that song really like . Got It #tho like. ermm actually ☝️🤓 hes gonna be on eastern standard not pacific daylight #it was fun . it made me start shaking so hard like for realll #i dont think i really like. feel a lot? but when i do its . huge #anyway idk where im going w this. i like this band. they write good songs. #i have some on my reo playlist. next to not one but twooo frax songs cause we all need more hyperpop on our character playlists #voidcore.txt