I just wanted to talk about my experience with d&d a little, and how things played out with the group I left, because I have been holding on to this way to tightly
I know I didn't handle things the best way possible when I left, but I just couldn't keep sticking around anymore. For over a year while playing with them I'd bully myself a lot, make myself cry during games, tell myself that no one really would have cared if I was there or not at honestly it really felt like it most of the time.
I got to a point where I only ever spoke if someone talked to me first, and there was one player who'd at least try to get me to talk more, and participate, which I really appreciated because it at least made me feel wanted.
But when I started opening up to our dm about how I was treating myself, well things only got worse. I never expected her to solve all my problems I was having, but she never even asked what was bothering me, and for me, well I started the conversation, I told her I was feeling terrible, I guess I should have never thought she'd care enough to ask what it was about my character that made me feel like such shit.
She never even offered a single solution to anything, and would shoot down what I came up with which was just, so frustrating.
I told her I didn't want to feel useless to the party anymore, because that feeling wasn't helping me at all, and she did nothing, didn't offer any suggestion on what I could do to change things up, all she said was that my character was very useful and it's like bitch I don't feel it though.
It hurt because it felt like anytime I tried to start a conversation, to try make things a little more enjoyable for myself, and it felt like every time I tried to start the conversation she was trying to speed run to the end of the conversation. It felt like my fun didn't matter at all as long as she didn't have to hear about the fact that I wasn't having fun.
She had completely ignored my cry for help when I told her I've been drinking during the sessions to try deal with my anxiety.
She ghosted text rp's with me that she said she would start, and I never had it in me to ask her if she just didn't want to do that with me (because she never seemed to have a problem with rping with the other party members)
She kept telling me I could have a pet cat that never came, but another player got one, and another player got a different kind of pet—I had asked for the cat like 5 separate times in private over the course of like 4 months, and the only reason I had even wanted a pet cat in game was because I recently had to put my two boys to sleep and really missed them (and yes, she knew that I had lost my cats recently, I had even said I wanted a cat because I missed them.) And fucking, when our group played a short one shot, and I asked if I could play a warlock (in part so I could have a cat familiar) I was told no, because someone else was playing a warlock in the group. Oh okay, I changed my character concept, then fucking a week or so before we were supposed to play that one shot she was asking why I didn't make my character a warlock/multiclass. . . because you said no?
(which as a side tangent, she kept having me change my original character for others in the party, it started with the character's class, then later on a crush that my character would have gotten, and other little things that I can't even recall atm.)
I think what hurts the most though is we were friends before playing d&d together, I had thought good friends
but over the course of this she just continued putting me on the back burner, continued not giving any kind of emotional availability, and when called out on it, would say that I can't expect her constant attention/she has other priorities which I never was trying to take away from, it just would have been nice to have felt like she considered our friendship a priority too but after like 2 years of her slowly putting me on the back burner (it was happening prior to starting d&d but over the course of the game it just got exponentially worse.)
And I had told her, that if d&d was all our friendship was going to have left then I didn't really want to stick around for it anymore because this shit hurts for me, it just felt like I was clinging onto someone who didn't feel anywhere near the same about me and I'm just tired of it.
It just hurts, and I'm tired of hurting over it