#girls i have been

[whentherewerebicycles]

my beloved pups :) period started overnight and I woke up so sad. but I think the one good thing from this bummer of a weekend is that I feel like I’ve reached some clarity about next steps. I want to hold firm to the original boundary I set before starting this process: no IVF, at least in the US. truly zero judgment of anyone else’s choices but having a biological child is not so important to me that I want to mortgage my own future (and my kids’ futures) to it financially. and I’m genuinely interested in and open to fostering to adopt even though I have some nervousness around the idea.

so here’s my plan, because you know I can’t function without a plan:

depending on what my dr says tomorrow, I’ll pursue additional testing if it’s not crazy expensive. if there’s a physical reason IUI can’t work for me I would like to know so I can feel confident I’ve fully tried that option.

assuming there isn’t a physical reason and I just haven’t gotten lucky yet… I have gone through a lot research to try to understand the clinical guidance. I wanted to understand if the “3 failed IUIs = IVF is your only option” advice is based in good science or if it’s one of those things that people repeat to each other because they’ve heard it a lot. (I also wanted to know if it’s one of those things where our culture’s tendency to pathologize and hypermedicalize pushes people towards the invasive high-tech expensive options sooner than necessary). I am not 100% confident in my ability to interpret scientific data so you know, grain of salt but: it does seem like a lot of the studies that recommend the 3 cycle limit are single-clinic studies with small sample sizes. I found a more recent and much larger study that concluded that people who do 6-9 cycles still achieve similar rates of pregnancy as people who do 3-4. so it seems like the drop-off maybe isn’t as precipitous as the internet would have you believe. it’s hard to imagine doing 9 cycles (financially and emotionally) but I think I could do up to six.

I signed up this morning for the foster care licensing course online (in my state you have to be licensed both to foster and to adopt from foster care). I have to complete eight 3-hour sessions plus additional in-person stuff at the end. I want to set a goal of completing one session per week—maybe an hour a night spread over a few nights. I also want to use this process to engage in sustained reflection and writing about my feelings/fears around pursuing parenting by another route. it seems totally normal and expected that I’d have a lot of head/heart-clearing to do before I’m ready to tackle a big life-changing commitment. so I want to begin that work now. I would like to complete the online training by July 15 (and I of course have my own syllabus of secondary readings I want to do too lol). I’ve heard the home study process you have to complete after training can take anywhere from 3-9 months, so starting now will get me moving in that direction but won’t obligate me to make any big decisions for a while yet.

IVF abroad is still a possibility—I budgeted it out for one of the Greece clinics and I think I could do it for $8-9k which includes all travel and lodging costs (not bad if I also get a fun two-week vacation out of it!). but I couldn’t afford to do that financially or PTO-wise until November/December, so I think it makes sense to move forward on other fronts for now and keep that as a back-burner idea I can return to in a couple months.

and lastly: here’s a final emotional thing I want to register. as I expected it might, this process has been stirring up a lot of old buried gender shame, which isn’t specifically about my body but has more to do with that one quote people reblog on tumblr that goes something like I have always been ashamed of being witnessed in the act of wanting what I can’t have. my gender shame has always had so little to do with my gendered body and so much to do with the feeling that people are watching me want to embody something I can’t embody in a way that convinces anyone. I spent so much of my life feeling shut out of girlhood, and even though most of the time I couldn’t decide if I even wanted to be let into girlhood (my feelings are still decidedly mixed!), that feeling of being shut out still kinda fucks you up inside, you know? I feel like I’ve made a lot of peace with that old pain and a lot of progress towards expanding my conception of what being a woman means (as emi koyama puts it in the transfeminist manifesto: there are as many ways of being a woman as there are women). but it makes sense that when you encounter new triggers for old pain it would take a while to kinda recalibrate and find your equilibrium again. right now I want to have a baby—ie I want to do this human thing that our culture associates (strongly, insistently, at times punitively) with “successful” womanhood. and I am so far failing repeatedly to have a baby! I am failing even with the help of medical interventions that are supposed to ramp up my ~insufficiently feminine~ body’s ability to do this thing that “women’s bodies” are supposed to be able to do without help. like, one million scare quotes around ALL of this—this isn’t what I believe in my head but it is the deeply ingrained cultural script that’s been drilled into my heart! so I think a lot of the heaviness I’m feeling around this whole thing is just like, the old pain, the old shame, the old buried humiliation of being witnessed in the act of wanting something I can’t have. and I may need to make a bit more space for myself to do some gentle and compassionate excavating of those ugly, shameful feelings so I can look at them in the light and say: yes, that’s a thought, but it isn’t mine. it never was. it came from somewhere else, a tiny little fragment of cultural shrapnel embedded in my heart. I may never be able to remove it completely but I don’t have to confuse it for part of me and I have the tools now to keep its slow poison from leaching into my blood. I am whole as I am. I am loved as I am; I love myself as I am. I can acknowledge the old bad feelings with compassion, but I don’t ever have to ever go back to that time in my life when I treated shame as the only or truest truth.

#IUI tag #long post #personal #girls I have been

[artkaninchenbau]

Crocodile finds a strange stray cat an 11-year old Nico Robin (AU where they met 13 years earlier. Robin's been on the run from the World Government for 3 years. Crocodile's 27 and has not set up base in Alabasta yet)

It seems like I have become possessed. By some sort of demon.

Bonus:

#My art #One Piece #Nico Robin #Sir Crocodile #Y'all the OP brainrot is BAD #According to an SBS Crocodile would absolutely spoil his child rotten if he had one. *We all know how Robin's childhood went* #Scary mofo who does not know how to parent a child but boy does he have the spirit + Child who has never had proper parent in her life #They'd make. An absolute disaster of a duo. This AU concept is so fucking funny to me okay #But also sad because I would fucking die for baby Robin she deserves the fucking world #This poor girl has never been spoiled in her entire life AND NOW PAPADILE IS HERE TO SPOIL HER #You know it's funny. I know 11 yo Robin should LOOK older than 8 year old Robin. But Crocodile is a fucking giant so she's still baby sized #Also I just had too much fun drawing Robin looking as pathetic as humanly possible lmao #She's a like a wet kitten in the rain 😭

[fox-mulder-gets-pegged]

I just wanna say bc I KNOW you're somewhere on tumblr, to the teenage girl who attended Take Your Kid To Work Day at an office building in Ontario, Canada circa 2013 and had a conversation with a middle aged woman in which you showed her your Black Veil Brides fanart and fanfics and ship content and told her about different fanfic tropes including a/b/o verse bc she happened to know who Panic! at The Disco and Fallout Boy were and thus you felt the need to show her your bandblr ship art, that was my fucking mother and I had to clarify all that to her including looking my mother in the eye and trying to explain a/b/o verse without sounding like a lunatic.

It's been 10 years and I still regularly sent evil energies in your direction. Since you'd be probably two years younger than me and thus legally an adult now, please know if this post reaches you it's on sight.

#she cornered me in the car and asked what shipping was and i almost had a fucking heart attack #imagine being like 16 years old and habing to explain knotting to your mother #random emo music girl I'm glad you had fun talking about your Band Guys to my mother #bc i also attended take your kid to work day at that office and i know how boring it was #but christ alive why did you have to fuck me like that? #anyways i hope this post reaches you so at the very least you know i think about you at least once a week #this has been weighing on me for ten years #im almost tempted to blaze this post

[chloesimaginationthings]

How Jax found Gangle’s figure collection in TADC,,

#myart #chloesimagination #comic #tadc #tadc jax #tadc gangle #tadc pomni #tadc ragatha #jolyne cujoh #sailor moon #digital circus #tadc fanart #the amazing digital circus #‘do it or I’ll tell Ragatha about the figures’ what he mean by that #I CAN only envision that gangle must own not only anime figures #but a figure of Ragatha herself #Jax being noisy and getting the best threats ever over gangles #leave my girl alone let them be a weeb in peace #SMALL lil comic I decided to do didn’t have a ton of time yesterday #so hope yall like this lil thing 🩵🩵 #gotta draw more fnaf (I say as if I haven’t been drawing fnaf with tadc lmao)

[malinaa]

if i think about the hunger games in peeta's perspective i WILL start sobbing

#imagine you're a boy who's going to die. you're in love with the girl you've been watching from afar. you know your fate. #you just want to help her‚ but then there's the announcement and she's here in front of you‚ kissing you‚ risking her life for you and you #think‚ i could live and i could love. you think she loves you when she hands you the berries‚ when she puts them in her mouth. #then you both survive and you go back home and nothing is real anymore. you have nothing. no family. no friends. no love. just an empty #house. a drunk for a neighbor. the love of your life walking into somebody else's arms. you think‚ i survived the games. i could survive #this. and you also think‚ i should've bit down on those berries‚ should've felt the juice burst before i died. #and then the third quarter quell announcement rings in your ears and you think‚ she will live and i will die as i should have in the first #place. the girl you love kisses you on the beach and somewhere you heart stirs and your mind revolts and you savor every touch she has ever #given to you‚ in front of the cameras and off. because you are a tribute and you are always being watched and snow's presence looms and #you think‚ i know she cares. but you get taken. you get drugged. you get tortured‚ your mind altered. the girl is a mutt‚ a murderer. she's #everything you despise‚ your mind stirs. your heart revolts. you gain more awareness but cannot distinguish reality from fiction and you #have never known katniss' love. the war ends. you heal. you come home. you plant primrose for her. years down the line‚ you grow in love #more than you thought possible. but some days‚ you cannot tell fiction from reality so you ask the love of your life‚ you love me. #real or not real? and she says‚ real‚ and kisses you. #and you sigh and kiss her back and revel in this. a home. a life. a love. #lit #the hunger games #everlark #otp: real or not real? #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #text #tais toi lys #thgpost

[hhhhunty]

How funny that she never considered that.

#one piece #boa hancock #monkey d luffy #i really disagree with how oda writes her #i think she likes him in the way a little girl crushes on the first boy to ge nice to her #simply because she thinks that's how it must work #she did not have the time nor was she safe enough as a child to feel those things #this was the first ever man other than rayleigh to not view her as an object #so she thinks she *must* love him #these have been my long-winded hancock thoughts #thank you

[goldensunset]

people who go through the main tags of big and tumultuous fandoms looking for new fresh good posts to reblog are essential to any circle. they’re like true hunter gatherers leaving the safety of settlement and braving the unknown wilderness to find food for the flock. they risk their lives every day and will come back with a few scratches at best and severe psychological damage at worst

#peach rambles #hall of fame i guess #i love hearing everyone share their stories in the comments. me personally? this is about kingdom hearts #usually the main culprit is disdain and dusty old misogynistic takes for kairi (the main girl) #there's x reader occasionally #cursed content with random disney characters #or people who complain about how much the series has expanded #that don't understand that over half the story is contained in the so-called 'side games' #or just generally dusty takes that have been disproven already

[dapper-lil-arts]

Anyone else finds it hilarious that pony posting not only is going through a Renaissance but simply does not die lmao. i'm having a good time!

#also fun TF2 reference nyeh #pony posting #team fortress 2 #Expiration Date #mlp #friendship is magic #my little pony #twilight sparkle #sunset shimmer #pinkie pie #and if you're wondering why i put sunset on everything #i like sunset. thats all #twiset #sunset sparkle #sunlight #meme #equestria girls #i have too many mlp ideas lmao #this blog has been taken over by ponies #mlp fanart

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

You keep telling yourself that Namari.

#dungeon meshi #Namari #Kiki Tansu #kikimari #lets fill that tag! #Originally I wanted to just draw the twins in their gnome outfits. #But then I spent 2 hours listening to Mika's Big Girl and I was like “You're so right singer-songwriter Mika. I have to draw Namari” #Anyways I've been practicing with diversifying body shapes as part of my art studies and I really enjoy it!!! #I can't wait until Tade shows up so I can draw more big girls. #By the way - since a lot of people have recently gotten into Dungeon Meshi and finished the manga #Please let me bring your attention to the Adventurers Bible! It's filled with so many extra character focused comics and lore! #We love canon bisexual Namari and the situationship she has with Kiki. #The manga itself doesn't really touch on romance in general but behind the scenes there is yearning. And leg pouches.

[soyochii]

Quick doodles before I evaporate.

#jjk #geto suguru #satosugu #gojo satoru #Don't look to close these are so rough #“Girl dinner” I say to myself looking at the 500th tiktok edit of sato/sugu actually dry heaving wanting to crumble into dust #jjk is the worst thing ive done for my mental health in a while #anyway I still love them and wish they could have been happy together for a little longer #Didn't get a chance to hug your best friend and tell him how much he means to you in highschool #no biggie just do it in the afterlife #Jkjkjkjjkjkjk Everything is fine #my art #jujutsu kaisen

[carouselunique]

Despite everything (you've done) it's still you... (who has the power to change for the better).

#my little pony #mlp #equestria girls #eqg #Sunset Shimmer #The Fall of Sunset Shimmer #Daydream Shimmer #Undertale #mlp g4 #mlpfim #mlp fim #my little pony friendship is magic #my art #I have never played Undertale I've been told my use of the quote is dubious at best - #so sorry Undertale stans - I hope the art is good enough to ignore that fact.

[whentherewerebicycles]

I must remember: in june at liz’s wedding I had the sudden revelation that 1) you can change your life at any moment if you only have the will to do it and 2) the only thing that really matters in this life is time spent with the people you love. all the stress and the hassle and the handwringing of this interminable summer is for a purpose: to live in a beautiful place with my family and to be closer to my best friends. and in the process I have been experiencing a third revelation: when you step out of an old comfortable way of living it is scary and uncertain, but it also offers you the rare chance to reassess almost every part of your life, to decide what parts of that life are and aren’t serving your happiness or growth, and to make the big sweeping changes that only become possible when you shatter all your old routines.

#girls i have been

[theoldkyokodied]

Guess who has been rewatching iasip...

#it me. i have been rewatching it! (pointing at myself) #macdennis #iasip #macden #dennis reynolds #mac mcdonald #it's always sunny in philadelphia #girl help lol #i always loved the way they love (violently. obsessively. with hatred and desperation) #is iasip comparable to no exit by jean-paul sarte. discuss #sorry its so weird i usually only reference iasip with jokes. now im here. drawing art #they are hard to draw btw. i just dump all of the doodles at once like usual. mayhaps i'll even upload it to the drive

[paper-mario-wiki]

theres a million blogs these days with names like "puppygirl-macrobulge" and "netflix-for-girl-balls" and whatnot who make 150 posts a day like "theyre all out of 'piss from a girl who's been holding it in all day playing factorio' at trader joes, whats the fcuking point of it all" and i gotta say, i didnt expect that to be its entire own genre of posting in the 2020s.

#text #random thought #i dont think i could be this kind of poster. i dont know that i have it in me #i wouldnt mind being one of the girls they post ABOUT though #'ive got to huff the thigh sweat of a businesswoman who's been in stressful meetings for the past 4 hours' #like sure girl go ahead im whooped from those meetings anyway #but im limiting you to 3 posts about this

[obsob]

oooooooooough i love you i love you i love you!!!! hand in loving hand !!!!!!

#mine #cats #i was like losing it over th colouring yesterday like this SUCKS and then looked at it 2day n was like. anyway #ive been unstoppable since ive figured out how 2 do glowy things #me n my partner went ice skating this evening !! so so fun #i love how girls will just peacefully hang out in the centre ice doing spins n boys will fast and furious skate around at 100mph #like we dont need to be doing all that #as soon as i see a boy w hockey skates enter the ice i am now leaving the ice #anyway....i got a slightly dubious fantasy audiobook 2day we will....see...how it is #whenever i read a fantasy book written by a man my hackles are up i am scenting the air i am growling #have i finished assassins fate u ask.....no :3 #its been sitting at 30% for like 4 months i cant bring myself 2 read more KJBDSSK #there is like so much book left. so much that can go wrong #i will finish it soon i prommy i prommy...n then listen 2 th tawny man audiobooks :3 #ngl this fitz n fool trilogy isnt super doing it 4 me im not finding it as Invigorating for sm reason #still good !! but def my least fave of th three trilogies #anyway. i am going 2 bed

[pangur-and-grim]

Grim went off her food today. vomited up breakfast, and then refused to touch anything further. I thought the vomit was Pangur’s at first, so I spent the whole day babying her and hand feeding, until dinner when it became clear Grim was the one with nausea.

I’ve been doing my best to keep Grim from the kitten food, because the high fat content can give adult cats pancreatitis, but there’s been a couple times where I’ve put the food somewhere I thought was inaccessible only to find Grim up there accessing it. I didn’t think she’d stolen more than a couple mouthfuls, but her symptoms today seem very pancreatitis-y.

I’m so angry at myself for not having done a better job keeping the kitten food out of reach. I took her to an emergency vet (my regular one was closed) and they’ve decided to keep her overnight. the bloodwork tomorrow should show whether it’s pancreatitis.

#my poor old girl #she’s on IV fluids right now #the bill was nearly 4K so it’s a very expensive mistake of mine #I had the food on top of a bookshelf 💀 the cats have never gotten up there before so I thought it was a safe location #turns out they’ve just never been properly motivated before