#genuinely like terrified rn im so scared

[benadril]

Calm and collected (lying profusely)

#im home right now and the bell wont stop ringing #for context #our bell is very often not working and like broken #but it is working now! and emitting the creepiest techno/piano thing #and its only like 2 seconds long but it repeats over and over and over again as im typing this #and i went to check who rang and no one was there #genuinely like terrified rn im so scared #help????? lol #ben's conscious stream

[hella1975]

i hate my town i hate the people in it i hate the shame that consumes us all i hate that every failure might as well be posted in the square because everyone knows everyone i hate that my grandparents are here and i hate that my mother came back for them i hate that the kids are dying and no one cares i hate that every good memory has a bad memory right next door like sam's house around the corner from my childhood home i hate the body they pulled from the river i hate the memory of hearing yellow by coldplay at my cousin's funeral because all i could think was that it was too modern for the situation but then he was only seventeen so it makes sense i hate that i was seventeen too and all the boys i knew were there his friends that were supposed to be the tough guys the scary guys i hate that i pretended not to see them sobbing i hate that everything smells of cigarettes here i hate the politics i hate the people i used to love that dont even smile at me on the street i hate that the girl who called me a slut works at my favourite bar i hate every alley and hidden shortcut and i hate that i know them like the back of my hand i hate the same fucking coffee shops i sat in when i was fourteen and scared and now im nineteen and scared and i hate that it's exactly what this town wants i hate that it wants anger i hate that it wants fear i hate that it wants shame i hate that i can give it everything

#thinking about how the two biggest things in my life rn - writing and my degree - are so punctuated by this fucking town #like my biggest fear with my degree isnt what id think of myself if i dropped out or failed #or even what my family would think bc they're nicer to me than i am #it's genuinely the thought of what my hometown lot would say that keeps me up at night #like the thought of my neighbour who told me id never accomplish anything bc my school was shitter than his fancy one #the thought of having to look him in the eye #or the thought of knowing my friends will tell their mums who are still on the PTA with old teachers who thought i was special #like small towns wrap you in this bubble of smallness and it suffocates you and you're so terrified and ashamed of every little mistake #and then my writing GOD i keep thinking about how tbos is probably the best thing ive ever written #and id publish it id genuinely try and get it published #but im just again so scared and ashamed and embarrassed like how do i explain to these assholes that im writing fantasy #and that's not even counting the gay angle bc that's the biggest part #i just am not brave enough for that yet and yeah maybe it's bc im still young but i shouldnt have to be brave to enjoy things to begin with #failure shouldnt require bravery when it's just a fact of life #and i think about if we'd lived in london like my dad wanted us to or if we'd gone to dublin bc my mum loves dublin #or even if we just hadn't come to this fucking town and we'd lived in ANY FUCKING CITY #my dad jokes about how in london he didn't even know his neighbours names and god i just crave that anonymity so fucking much #it's so frustrating and my mum takes it so personally whenever i say i hate the town and my sister says i'll grow out of it just because #she did but i genuinely dont think i will #and maybe that's the creative in me or the queer in me that she just cant relate to but i have always always hated this place #like a guy i have a VERY complicated history with messaged me the other day and we havent talked in TIME #and it was kinda sweet if not awkward just bc of our aforementioned rocky past but one thing he mentioned when i said i was at uni #was that he said really genuinely 'im so happy to hear that; i know you always wanted to get out of [town name]' #like he still remembers that about me even though weve been friends since we were 12 and i havent spoken to him since i was?? 17?? #UGH i just hate it here and it's the fact that i'll never escape it either bc i cant totally abandon ship without also #abandoning my family and i refuse to do that and they refuse to leave so now im just stuck with all these CONNECTIONS #sorry to vent lol #ig this could be a poetry thing? we'll say it is instead of me just having another meltdown LMAO #hella goes home

[archipelagolago]

good things but personal so hiding in the tags

#its been a year now and WHEN will the honey moon phase be over im going ridiculous fr fr #our anniversary is literally on new years which is so fucking picturesque or whatever the word is i hate it (lying) #i got us matching bracelets and she lost hers that same day im literally so in love with her #and she told her siblings about us and her sister was just like. yeah obviously 🤨 #and then later her brother when her parents waiting in the restaurant for a table and me & her & him were in the car and he said yeah. #i figured 🙄 and then he came out to us and i love him. i love her family so much i feel unreal #and her parents literally dont know were dating. like genuinely. i dont know what they think but it works. they said next time they all go #home to the philippines they want me to come. i dont understand why they like me so much & im so scared of the day theyll find out im #dating their daughter and start hating me. but rn i feel so happy so its ok #and her mom said shes thinking of taling spamish classes at my community college and i should take them with her. even though i speak #spanish from home but i can help her #her family is just so kind to me and it makes me feel soooo i dont even know. everything #i just never thought i would be this happy its so impossible for me to understand or accept it #and everything with us is never perfect but its so much love and i feel so lucky its scaring me #i feel like im dreaming im so scared to wake up and lose it all #and its all been so hard and is going to be even harder but its worth it. more than anything and thats even more terrifying than #all the bullshit #but its good its good its good #louie type

[fabulouslygaybean]

god. im scared

#realizing that i lost all of my teen years to trauma and bullshit like that. and that it forced me to be an adult way sooner than i - #- should have needed to be. #im turning 17 in a whopping 13 days and just. im terrified. like genuinely scared. #my family is having a lot of financial issues rn and im probably gonna have to pick up another job to help my mom make ends meet #and i think she wants me out of the house by the time i turn 18 so i gotta hurry. #idk how the fuck im gonna find a job where i can make enough money to help my mom while also letting me save up for an apartment while - #- also helping me cover all of my own costs BEFORE i turn 18. so food and medical stuff and clothes and such. while also having enough - #- time and energy to balance my final two years of high school AND somehow have a social life on top of that #i dont know how the hell im gonna pull it off. i dont feel like an adult but i have to be one already so i just gotta figure it out i guess #ive already lost the rest of my teen years. i shouldn't be sad about losing the last few. i don't have time to mourn. #my mom keeps saying that i need to stop stressing out bc its my birthday but like. the problem is my birthday. #sigh. i should be happy this month. im turning 17! im going to riot fest! i like most of my teachers this year! i have a bit of freedom! #but i don't feel happy. im just violently reminded that time has passed way too quickly and that im running out of time for everything. #im also violently reminded that i very much do not feel like an adult. even though it's only a little over a year till im 18. #i still watch cartoons and buy stuffed animals and have sleepovers with friends where we gossip about school and make pony bead bracelets #i cover my notebooks with stickers and laugh at immature jokes and have glow in the dark stickers on my bedroom ceiling #just. idk. i keep trying to catch up for lost time but i just have to keep rushing foward faster than i can handle. its weird. #sorry to post disappointing shit. im just tired and my body hurts and im stressed and scared and sad. nothing's going right. #in better news. after i get a job to pay for it i can apparently get a birth control prescription without parental consent in my state #i might finally be able to escape from my debilitating monthly pain! ill be able to function!! #im also gonna be getting myself a lowkey ugly rottmnt birthday cake from a grocery store because its my birthday and i can do what i want #so im still stressed and scared but ill have a day with friends where we can play games and do stupid shit and act like teenagers i guess #it'll be nice :')

[blorb-el]

Psssst does the au superbat fic exist bc I waaaaaaaaant it

I want it too 😭 tragically it only exists in about........4.5k scattered scenes which I try to poke at in between working on my main project rn!

misc worldbuilding scraps that are currently rotating on the back burner:

(omegaverse) human instinct relies on scent > hearing > taste > sight to find compatible partners, kryptonian instincts lean on sight > hearing > scent > taste, hence the mating markings

omegaverse humans have a much higher degree of face blindness than we normal humans do lmao

helps clark pass, the more he pulls his scent back the more it fades away, clark kent smells so dull/insignificant/mild that it seems like he's got a medical condition (hypomyrodia). jonathan kent had this. when jonathan and martha found bby kal, he was scared and tried to match scents to the two humans who found him, which caused his kryptonian scent to quickly fade. a hypomyrodic pup would probably face high abandonment rates and low adoption rates, so it was probably a relief that two willing parents brought the pup in

kryptonians all pretty much exist along a relatively smooth spectrum of sexual characteristics and can transition somewhat like clownfish if there's a hormonal imbalance in their community. having zero (0) other kryptonians around does things to clark before he grows the fortress and is able to synthesize hormone stabilizers

humans meanwhile have ten major sexes because betas can be true beta, alpha-leaning, or omega-leaning depending on their recessive genes

poison ivy is x100 more horrifying in any omegaverse world. she only manages to zop clark though bc the pollen is enchanted. however it's enchanted to induce primal alpha hindbrain, which means something very different to lone kryptonians than packbonded humans

it would have been the norm on krypton to have one's facial markings out. kryptonians would pull them back if they were sick, or perhaps terrified... primal hindbrain clark looking around and seeing nothing but non-glowing faces, and it coming across as everyone around him fucking terrified of him

for the first few months of their acquaintance clark is like. im not sure what gender batman is and at this point i'm not sure its ok to ask (he can smell past the concealing patches to bruce's strong omega scent but the patches could also be doubling as, like, the equivalent of binders, could be that batman's gender is null, but he mixes in diluted alpha cologne, but that could just be for concealment/intimidation....???)

sun-powered kryptonians have a strong, distinctively alien but somewhat alpha-smelling scent (when they're not pulling it back) but barely leave any on people they try to scent with, and scents barely stick to them. when clark politely explains this to bb dickie hes just like well i guess ill just have to scent you for longer! and clark goes 🥺

at this early point in the timeline barry is the only known omega superhero so the tabloids are huge into superflash

anyway all that's just kind of fluff/details... the core theme i've been rotating around is overcoming real and genuine barriers to intimacy. the loneliness of knowing you're a square peg in a world of round holes, the necessary compromises of sanding away your corners, the joy of meeting someone who will stretch to meet you where you are. there's a fair few excellent fics of bruce uncomfortable in an omega's role and body, i want to come at it from a perspective where a xenomegaverse clark has to define what gender means to him, in the heightened roles of the omegaverse. we are looking also at layers of passing. when parts of your closet become your armor that protects but encumbers you, and other parts become your exoskeleton, which grow into who you are. we are looking at that comic about the orchid that has the pattern on it meant to appeal to an extinct species of bee. we are looking at compromise made of love and compromise made of fear. and we are looking at tentacles baby.................

#OR WE WOULD BE LOOKING AT IT IF I HAD THE BRAIN SPACE FREE TO WRITE IT DOWN!!!!! #once wsbf is done. and the various pwps. and the kryptonian superbat au..... god that one's been on the back burner over a year lmao....... #reddest-x #thanks for the ask :^)

[hiraya-rawr]

Okay, okay, hear me out:

Diluc's s/o fell for him first, but he fell way harder.

That's it. Thank you for listening to me.

IM SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE BELOW

FALLING IN LOVE WITH DILUC BUT HE'S SO DESPERATE TO KEEP HIS FEELINGS FOR YOU AT BAY, TO VIEW YOU ONLY AS A GOOD FRIEND, AN ACQUAINTANCE, THAT PERSON WITH A SNORT TO THEIR LAUGH OVER HIS DRY JOKES. YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN ANOTHER CUSTOMER IN HIS BAR BUT HE KNOWS YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS BY HEART.

because fuck there's just so much evil in the world and he has so much to do about it and he knows he could get killed at any moment with all his enemies but CAN YOU BLAME HIM WHEN HIS FEELINGS FOR YOU START WEEPING OUT OF HIS TIGHTLY CAPPED BOTTLE. HIS EYES SEARCHING FOR YOU IN EVERY CROWD. EVEN HIS FLAMES FEEL WARMER, SOFTER WHEN YOURE AROUND LIKE HES SO COMFORTED BY YOUR EXISTENCE BUT IT SCARES HIM

can you blame him for all his lingering touches— a hand on the small of your back as he moves you aside, a grip to your wrist as he pulls you somewhere, a kiss to your knuckles because that's completely normal for a gentleman—

HE CONVINCES HIMSELF ITS COMPLETELY NORMAL TO TOUCH FRIENDS LIKE THIS BUT EFF THAT BECAUSE WE KNOW DILUC DOESNT TOUCH ANYONE IF HE COULD HELP IT.

and he's still trying to convince himself this is just what friends do as he holds you whenever you're crying at the corner of the bar over some stupid sob story; he'd kiss the sides of your face, your cheek, your nose, your forehead, your hair, all the while mentally screaming that THIS IS JUST WHAT FRIENDS DO, THIS IS JUST BECAUSE HE CARES—

and he tells himself that again even when you're resting on his bed after a long day of fighting the abyss, even when you're both washing off side by side in the lake after a muddy battle, even when you're cuddling under thermal blankets in dragonspine practically nude to share body warmth platonically—

ALL BECAUSE DILUC FUKING RAGNVINDR IS SO TERRIFIED OF LOVE AND THE IDEA OF LOVING YOU OPENLY AND GENUINELY because he knows so so well how fast he could lose someone he loves. diluc convincing himself that you're just a friend

and you're crushing on the winery tycoon, doodling his initials next to yours all the while thinking it can never be reciprocated but the man feels like he's about to burst from how much love he's holding back and how much love he wants to give you like it's an offering to a god

and diluc just—

he just—

wants to be with you despite all his willpower telling him no, because his love for you overwhelms even himself and dhjshdjshd

— drunken rambles from an angstified writer, is it obvious that im hyper rn

#hira makkara #hira brainrot #diluc x reader #diluc #diluc x you #genshin diluc #genshin fluff #genshin angst #genshin #genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin hcs #genshin brainrot #genshin drabble #diluc drabble #diluc ragnvindr #diluc imagines

[allamericanb-tch]

crimson rivers thoughts (11)

@tastetherainbow290 this was genuinely terrifying

chapter 24

regulus telling james about his tantrum throwing away all the supplies he really is just like me

“what? Sorry, what? I mean—what?” 😭

“in the interest of conserving water, we could have a long, hot shower together” james you desperate lovesick fool

“if there's anyone I'm sleeping with when I get back, it's absolutely Sirius” i love their friendship

jegulus is jegulusing

"You know that other life? The one where we could have been happy together? Where we're not a great, big tragedy?” agghhh why is that so sad

regulus i love you

why am i gonna cry right now

regulus describing the life him and james will never get to have together

“Just holding on because we can, because there's some other life out there where we can't, where we don't, where we're a great, big tragedy—and we're so thankful it's not that one” TEARS

“Regulus said James was his first love, didn't he? James would give anything to be his last.” don’t worry james you will be ❤️‍🩹

is regulus dreaming rn

this is a sad nightmare

poor regulus omg. he feels so guilty for evan’s death and i feel so bad it’s not your fault reggie

they’re holding hands but in a sad way

oh no a scream

what has happened

oh! more spiders!

what is james doing 😭

“It's always you're so stupid, James; it's never you looked so sexy and heroic while saving everyone from the murderous spider, James.” james now is not the time for jokes. even though you are HILARIOUS 

PETER NO

another betrayal are we surprised (yes)

pete 💔

bernice pulling the baby card you are not peeta don’t even

rat 🐀 

peter noooo i am sad to see you go

yayyyy reg and james won

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

NO?!?!!

slughorn how could you

“you’re hesitating love” 

JAMES NO

i can’t end like this but i have to leave in 10 minutes

chapter 25

reading as much as i can before i have to go

“Maybe James is just in love, and he wants anything he can get from Regulus, even if it's literal death.”

“because i love you” i am going to CRY

remus pov switch

poor sirius ☹️ i know james and regulus both make bc. duh. but i am so sad for them bc THEY don’t know that.

the trojan war 💔

if regulus is troy does that make james gabriella

“ I hate you, he says. I love you, he means. I love you, he feels. I hate you, he knows.”

they’re kissing

regulus handcuffing james

what is he thinking

“you chose me and now im choosing you”

regulus i swear.

“He's drowning in his regrets before he ever hits the water.”

THE RIVER IS BLOOD?!

I HAVE TO LEAVE AHHHHHH

sirius pov switch

james pov switch?!

james don’t lose your arm please

JAMES?! hes so real honestly.

this is so romeo and juliet of them

THEY BOTH WIN!!! i knew it would happen but still the excitement is there

horace pov jump scare

“He wonders if James realized in his endeavor to save himself and Regulus, he would be condemning someone else.” ????????????

dorcas!!!!!!!!

where are they going 😧

*singing* my reputation’s never been worse so 

azkaban mention 

i’m intrigued by this plot line

grindelwald mention?!

there’s a baby in the car next to me who is SO CUTE (dw there’s other people in the car)

A DIVERGENCE?! should i read that fic too…

#crimson rivers

[mascxdaddy]

first off happy birthday, second it’s not really that horny but how do you get over nerves of receiving during sex. bc i am technically a virgin even tho ive given multiple times, im genuinely just terrified of letting ppl touch me so i just top all the time, which can be great!! but like the thought of someone actually fucking me sounds kinda good rn…

(your blog has actually helped me realize this so thanks ig)

haha you're welcome i think? um honestly like it kinda depends where your fear stems from because if it's trauma that's something you gotta work through with a therapist or something. if it's just because it's nerves and you're scared of judgement or something i recommend first off doing it with someone you fully trust and secondly make sure they FULLY understand where you're coming from and are able to take it as slow as you need. build up/foreplay always always always helps a ton because it turns you on more and gets you more needy so you're less likely to worry

#wlw ns/fw #lesbian ns/fw #lesbian nsft #sapphic nsft #wlw nsft #wlw smut #lesbian #lesbian daddy #advice?

[fairy25]

I'm not joking how am I supposed to continue living as a woman who has suffered serious trauma? I dont know what to do anymore.

I do not want to live (not a threat, just a fact. I am not in danger.) I don't know how I can go about my life when I am scared of men. Half of the people on the planet. I have been jobless for 3 years living with parents because I'm scared to be trapped in a confined space with male strangers again. In my last job, I was sexually harassed, touched, stared at, grabbed, threatened, and followed by male coworkers. It was a minimum wage BAKERY job. You'd think that would be an innocent place to work. I wore a hairnet, had hairy legs, and talked about my boyfriend at the time. and I still got harassed and they wouldn't stop even when i would talk to HR. When I told my ex-boyfriend I was raped he said I deserved it. I'm thinking maybe it's me who is wrong and maybe I just should somehow turn off my brain and let it all happen since I feel like I'm screaming and nobody even notices???

I genuinely don't want to live in the world anymore I'm just tired I wish I was a little girl again and I just want to play with my toys but i can't because im trapped in a 26 year old woman.

Sorry for ranting on christmas. I'm just having a bad day. I hope you had a good Christmas.

baby i would seriously recommend you find a female trauma therapist you feel comfortable with and commit to therapy once a week for at least a year. i would also recommend talking to a psychiatrist or even your primary care doctor if you feel comfortable to discuss getting on some anti-anxiety medication. i personally take propranolol & mirtazapine for anxiety (and migraines).

i know it feels endless right now (i have been there and i’m so so sorry you’re stuck in this dark place rn) but it is possible for things to get better, and for you to lead a “normal” life. i am rooting for you and i want to say your feelings are completely valid. i’m so sorry this is the state of the world. i’m so sorry that you’re unable to ignore the fear you feel, which is very real and very challenging to overcome. but you can overcome it. that doesn’t mean you have to be around men—i work fully remotely and the only men i talk to regularly are gay, old friends, or married to my friends/relatives.

merry xmas to you angel. i hope 2024 brings you more peace than this year. even if you don’t feel like it’s going to get better, please just keep going. sometimes progress is so gradual we don’t even realize it’s happening. sometimes it’s ok to distract yourself and take breaks from the real world. but keep going. if not for you, for other women. we need each other if we’re ever going to create a world where women don’t feel terrified just existing.

[caer-gai]

Angsty Arthurian AU Idea number ???

Reincarnation AU! Ector is raising a not-yet-remembering Arthur on his own in some off the grid small town. All alone. No Kay. Arthur had this feeling of 'something missing' his entire childhood, Ector knows who it is and has just enough of an idea what's become of Kay that it hurts a lot to think about.

They gather a bunch of local reincarnations Bedivere for sure, maybe Dinadan, Morgan, Guinevere, as Arthur is remembering and coming into his destiny. They're a small, tight knit found family scrappy low resources rebellion sort of vibe. Very fun very cool.

Now, Uther is still alive and well and running his own court/cult of personality/militant group. They and Arthur's group will come into conflict but he's also got his own agenda. Anyways one of his strongest lieutenants is Lot, who runs a powerful secret base for Uther's group, where he's "training" his sons to be Uther's perfect soldiers.

He also has Kay.

Between Lot and Uther they've made Kay into the perfect weapon against Arthur: trained since he was a baby, magic forced to it's max making him really powerful (a way to describe it i came up with comes from bedivere "The magic around him was screaming") he's supposed to be unshakably loyal. Excpt the only ones he's really loyal to are Lot's kids, to which he's become a weird sort of surrogate big brother (as much as he can). They're the only one's who treat him like a human.

Gareth absolutely hero warships Kay (though in a naive 'you're such a great knight i can't wait to serve Uther too!' kind of way that hurts Kay's soul). Anyways Kay is absolutely terrifying on the battlefield, and for a long time no one and nothing can stand in his way. Until he fights Bedivere (neither know each other's identity)

Bedivere is a solid challenge on his own, but when Kay blasts him with fire it doesn't burn Bedivere. Instead it activates some sort of magic signal bound to their souls, which protects Bedivere. Now that they know both are horror struck (for different reasons) and freeze. One of Kay's "teammates" takes a cheap shot at Bedivere, but he's warned by his team and dodges away. Making him the first to ever escape Kay.

Bedivere tells his peeps about this, which sends Ector into a dark spiral and leads Arthur to ask a lot of questions. Meanwhile, Kay is back at base and not in his armour for the first time. And he's in a cell. Gawain comes to visit, angry at Kay for freezing up, mostly because it made Lot mad. he goes on at Kay for a while before Kay finally snaps and tells him that it was Bedivere he was fighting, and on top of it the signal that save Bedi's life was one he a Kay crafted together to ensure that they couldn't hurt each other.

Which ouch. Gawain tried to apologize, but Kay's too tired for this rn and goes to sleep.

That's about as far as I've gotten linearly. Two other scenes I have in mind with Kay and Gareth-

Gareth is following Kay around while he's getting ready for a mission, mentions how he wants to be just like Kay when he grows up and Kay stops what he's doing gets down on Gareth's level and looks him in the eyes and says "Beaumains, You are going to be so much better than I ever was." (One day, in a happier world and place, where Gareth doesn't have to be anyone's soldier he remembers the first life, and he remembers this and he goes to Kay and hugs him and tells him he's still his hero)

Gareth wants very badly to go with Kay on one of his missions. So badly he teaches himself to replicate Kay's fire magic, and shows it to Kay hoping to impress him. Instead Kay freaks the fuck out and yells at him and makes him promise to never show or tell anyone about this ever again. it's the first time gareth is genuinely scared of kay. Kay hates himself for it but he can't let Lot and Uther put Gareth through the same hell that has been Kay's entire life.

idk if im feeling silly enough i might do some art for this, bc the visual of badass armoured up Kay reassuring little baby Gareth is living in my brain now

#gareth #kay #gawain #arthur #sir ector #reincarnation au #random au thoughts #my brain gave me this and the desire for it to be fully animate in the same style as Castlevania and im like bro #it takes us a year to make two pages of webcomic #in what universe #implied child abuse

[mangoposts]

ok so i KNOW that boys are not everything in live but rn i need some psychological guidance here yall

So basically, i always daydream about love like the concept of love is literally my roman empire. I make up all of those scenarios about everyday life events with a man i imagine and i read a loooot of books and watch rom coms all the time, i love this. And i need a sweetheart in my life. I need a nice guy because i had a bf who treated me like shit and that’s not happening again

But when i have a reaaaaaaally nice guy, i get bored and i simply don’t talk to him again, because the spark and electricity my ex gave me back then isn’t there and i miss it

Like yall know that scene from euphoria where maddy looks at kat and ethan and tell jules that she’ll never find that kind of love because there is no darkness???? This is EXACTLY my point

But that scares the living shit out of me because i know that real relationships aren’t like this. I know that my future husband won’t argue with me about anything and call me a bitch when we disagree because those are immature relationships. So then i start to think that I’ll simply never be in a relationship again and i’ll end up alone and that’s a terrifying thought

So now im spiralling over the fact that i don’t know how to accept a healthy relationship in my life. I need yall help please help a bitch out :(

Anon, i would love to help you out. But unfortunately i can’t because

I AM THE EXACT SAME FUCKING WAY

It’s always been hard for me to like guys who like me because they’re always too ….Nice. And too giving and too up my ass or something … In every relationship every guy treated me great and then i lost feelings and left em🤷🏻‍♀️ But the one guy im still hung up on is the one who left me and i argued with and we weren’t even DATING. We want shit we can’t or shouldn’t have and for what reason i don’t know.

All i know is what helped me is focusing on myself, i know it’s kinda hard but ive accepted that im not going to find someone i genuinely like so i just began liking myself and being alone/with friends instead. And it’s helped the need for romance like a lot. I feel like the best love comes when you aren’t searching for it so ion know 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t have the best advice bc im in the same boat 😭But i hope we figure it out someday and im here for u

#🥭 #Sigh

[dreamcrush]

for the idol identity ask game: 5 + 8 + 10. questions go to both mods + for any/as many of your kins as you want :]

5. Is there anyway your timeline differed from source? It could be a small or big thing.

erm im miker . my mika canon is rather divergent just because im uhh worse maybe. im very reclusive and not good at friends at all and really don’t have. any friends for the most part until i get put in the dorm system with ritsu. that’s because naru ended up dropping me, she got real mad at how bpd i was basically and said i was hurting her and a terrible friend and she just stopped talking to me around the same time nazunii left valkyrie too. so my whole first n second year pretty much im just all alone, and im real scared of people so i don’t really wanna make too many friends anyways. i just stay real close with oshisan and madonee and latch on to them for dear life. eventually i am real good friends with ritsu, i love him a whole lot. we might have been more than friends but i don’t super understand emotions like that so im no good at telling. i love him though i know that for truth. and i love oshi san and madonee. i don’t end up being able to forgive nazunii ever really i don’t think… like i’ve read human comedy and it’s just not quite right. there’s too much hurt there still i think for me let go of. maybe more stuff i don’t remember rn - 🏹

I just recently discovered I kin Tsumugi and it's quite a bit divergent. I think I was actually in Eden possibly? Or just another unit entirely as things with Natsume didn't go as well as hoped. I'm still remembering things and working out the issues / gaps of recollection but yeah! - 🪽

8. Who was your closest friend? Tell me about them.

as izumi my best friends are chiaki and kaoru. this is constant across a Lot of my canons and i have some rather divergent ones too. chiaki is energetic and loud and kind of gross and sweaty but as long as he doesn’t touch me i don’t give him As much of a hard time about it. he smells like boys and jumps all over people and is always eager to help and be praised and always willing to offer a listening ear or to dish out attention, which is much appreciated. he’s very emotional and not super great at thinking things through and he harbors a lot of anxiety he doesn’t like to let others know about, but i do, and kaoru does too, and we’re his friends and we help where we can. kaoru is closed off like i am, pretty faces and teasing and sweet cologne to hopefully distract you from picking out whatever is hurting in his heart. not me though, im not into him, but i see the pain settling the surface tension there, and i don’t ignore it. they take care of me more than perhaps id ever want to admit, but i take care of those two losers too. chiaki was probably one of the biggest reasons i didn’t end up offing myself or doing something otherwise seriously bad after leo left so genuinely in a way i owe him and his comfort and genuine care for me my life. and kaoru is so unsure about himself, has so much disgust and hatred built up in his heart towards his own person and i help him figure things out as best i can. i help with feelings and love in a way his family never cared to teach him, i help him figure out he likes boys, figure out he likes kanata and chiaki, figure out that it’s okay to be a little open, a little vulnerable every once in a while, that it can feel good to be close with another guy even if just as a friend, because community is good and closeness feels terrifying but healing. they’re my best friends. i love them a lot. - 🏹

Leo time- I kinda want to take this to talk a little about Mama? I don't remember him as well as I kinda wish I did? And I don't know if i'd even call him my closest friend but I do know I cared about him and things were really hard with things revolving around him but I'm starting to slowly remember a few things and he was just. very protective of me? he was protective of anyone he cared about of course but i just remember he was there to help with a lot of things. not that sena wasn't enough for me and didn't help enough but with how much i split on him and was clashed it was nice to have a friend to bounce that energy off of and that's what mama was for me. he's just a really good person deep down i think. - 🪽

10. Was there a relationship (doesn't need to be romantic) in your canon you find funny looking back on?

jun and nagisa for real. we were pretty good friends especially because of how ohiisan is, but we are from very different worlds and are very different personalities. i like video games and working out and a ton of typical boy stuff i don’t think nagisenpai was ever exposed to at all. but he likes animals and archeology and reading and quiet the likes that i’ve never really engaged with before either. i play games with him, hang out with him on downtime, practice together, rest together. ohiisans always happy to see us getting along well too, so that’s a bonus, even if he’s got his jealous streak. it’s funny though in that i expose him to a lot of internet stuff for the first time really, stuff like shooter games and memes / stupid funny shit and a bunch of new things that his autism gets kinda hung up on, i think he has fun though. and i even cater stuff to try and be more inclusive with him, or pick things i think he might like more. he likes watching me play shooters more than playing them himself, but i hear about games that have archeology functions or emphasis on different gems or bones or any of these things he’s into and im like hey let’s check it out. it’s just fun - 🏹

literally as mao my relationship with ritsu LMAO because i do not have a canon so far where i was ever with him romantically but he would always tell everyone we were or somehow convince them we were, despite me usually being with someone else romantically. i loved him obviously and sometimes it did feel like more than friendship but i wouldnt say anything deeply romantic. it just always makes me laugh how we were never romantically together to my recollection. - 🪽

#🏹 ; cherubim arrows #🪽 ; seraphim feathers #✨ ; ask game

[titsgirlbuffy]

give me all your trans angel rn im frothing at the mouth and was literally the anon who asked (i got scared you guys were joking)

aaaaaa we would never!! We keep expecting the shows to disprove it (like in Billy - I was convinced I'd have to have some sort of workaround for why the spell affected Angel, like it's based on how you see yourself in the present or it's a bioessentialist thing, and I'm not into either option and then I Didn't Have To. The magic that makes men go evil just. Didn't affect Angel. Cause he's* not a man) but more evidence keeps being added. @transangelus is doing a long thesis post so I'll not step on his toes with more canon stuff yet but. Headcanons.

* I'm gonna be changing pronouns a bunch here, should be clear from context when I'm talking about Angel, but sorry about the constant she/he/they/it switching

- "Angel" was chosen as an intentionally gender neutral (bordering on feminine) name

- Cordelia is Ecstatic to take her shopping for girl clothes. Which is genuinely terrifying for Angel but it isn't like mirrors are an option

- Thankfully even Cordy realises that, transition or no, Angel is at heart a butch goth

- Really loves 1700s style clothes, all the blouses and long skirts she wasn't allowed to consider wearing while alive

- Angelus may or may not have to change name to Angela. Spike never stops joking about this

- On that note, Spike is queer friendly in the sense that he'll ask your pronouns so he can insult you properly

- Angel goes to a trans support group early on and flees immediately after a conversation about the name:

"So, if you don't mind me asking, what's your deadname?"

"..... this is my deadname"

"Ah cool, so brave of you not to change it!"

".... I did change it"

- Angel refers to "Liam" as his alive name

- Lorne slowly starts teaching Angel how to do makeup. She likes lipgloss because it's subtle and shiny

- Buffy has a sexuality crisis because her first "boyfriend" is a woman now

- Wesley has his second sexuality crisis because the man who made him realise he's gay is, in fact, not a man

- Cordelia considers Angel's gender entirely irrelevant to her own sexuality, despite continuing to find them attractive

- Gunn tells all these people they're ridiculous because "you know she's still got no pulse, right?"

#trans angel posting #There's our most recent discussions off the top of my head #angel the series #buffy the vampire slayer

[brunetteaura]

63 / 52 / 54 / 42 !! Love u eternally 🫶👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

well hello my treasure its been a long time (we havent spoken for 5 minutes) i adore you btw

63. what are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?

ive grown to stop feeding into the idea that girls should never make the move when it comes to relationships with guys. if something bothers you/you want to talk about your feelings etc just fucking speak up!!!!! life is so short. genuinely too short for us to put ourselves in a box and expect the other person to know whats on our minds. another thing which is within the context but can be applied to a relationship with anyone, is the fear and inability to ask for help. sometimes we as girls think we're gonna appear weak if we do so bc the society has already been making us feel like we are inherently inferior but god i wish we were more brave sometimes. i say we because im guilty of this too. the third thing that crossed my mind rn is how some girls put other girls down as if to validate themselves. i know its a thing to call yourself a hater on the internet and be quirky about it but lately ive genuinely had enough of it like why do you feel the need to shit on a girl's taste on anything. its already hard enough being one in this world and as much as i love gossip and joking around abt these things i think its a very slippery slope and it can get messy bc there needs to be room for girls of all kinds. this one is all over the place but it makes sense to me <3

52. name one thing that terrifies you

being held hostage. mentally and physically im mortified even thinking about me not being able to get out of the hole i could be put into. im scared of not being able to overcome things id have to deal with at some point and i always believe i will but this actually does cross my mind from time to time

54. what would you tell your 12 year old self?

that its not gonna be easy and that life will be funny sometimes and youll want to kill yourself but youll come out strong. please dont ever underestimate yourself and the power that you hold. i love you so much and youre gonna be so proud of yourself in 10 years. this is only the beginning and i do it for you.

42. favorite place to shop at?

ive loved urban outfitters since i was a teenager but they dont have it in madrid!!!!!! this is the worst thing that can happen to a girl

#ask

[artsybelle1015]

Book 5 & Beginning of 6 Thoughs

(SPOILERS DOWN BELOW)

• BOOK 5 IS HANDS DOWN MY FAV BOOK SO FAR

• ok so regarding book 5, i really came to love vil sm more than i thought, he was relatable and had good material for why he did what he did, i felt so sorry for him throughout the story and he didn’t deserve the pain he got

• also the fact he was always beautiful just too beautiful put me in pain

• wow i don’t hate neige like i thought i would, he’s an amazing person and balances out a lot from what we’ve seen of the other characters

• grim overblot being canon now makes me so happy for some reason?? maybe just angst

• im so happy ace and deuce didn’t give the money for ramschakle, because everyone else is stupidly rich and doesn’t need it

• vil apologizing made my heart for him grow, he for some noteworthy character development that was lacking in a lot of the overblots tbh

• jamil pissed me off sm, he got pushed down on my fav character list for sure, he was just so like annoying and not grateful in my opinion

• ESPECIALLY WHEN DEUCE LITERALLY SAVED THEM

• deuce deserved the attention he got and has one of the best signature spells

• deuce and epel friendship is perfect

• crowly angering me once again

• I MISS GRIM WAHHHHH

• i def noticed that yuu is getting more dialogue options and attention in the story

• it angers me we still didn’t show anyone the pic that would be on my top priorities

• maybe i’m a lil stupid but in my head i don’t really understand malleus x yuu hyper that well, don’t get me wrong it’s adorable but i don’t get why people say it’s close to canon LMAO

• im terrified of those robots who took vil and jamil wtf, ik why they did is bc they overblot (im assuming so i can’t make it past when deuce fights them rn)

• did i mention i miss grim?

• anyways grim acting aggressive got me motivated to read book 6, idc about idia i’m in it for grim and vil

• i have way too many vil headcanons after this, first of all HES A SWEETHEART

• kalim best boy 100% would kiss him

• jamil stfu pls

• rook is an amazing character i will not take criticism

• idia being relatable to me part 1092747382829, that’s probs why i’m not interested in him imma be called out

• malleus and i getting not invited to places LETSGO

• wow i kin depress people

• leona u mf just tell ur dorm about the magic

• speak of which THIS GAME needs to stop finding excuses to push off reveals in the stupidest ways, like how they get disrupted by someone or time, it’s annoying and i’m sure u can ask whilst you’re walking there or later on not just forget it

• the amount of times people get scared by someone popping up is getting annoying, like save that for genuine scary or silly moment, im sure they would be use to people sneaking up on them by now

• idk how to feel about jamil’s rap

• i love orthos character he needs more attention

• trey too

• everytime mickey mouse comes up i can’t take any of the plot seriously LITERALLY WHY DOES EVERYONE FORGET MICKEY IS THERE

#twst #twst wonderland #twst spoilers #twst grim #twst vil #twst leona #twst kalim #twst headcanons #twst ortho #twst trey #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland kalim #twisted wonderland vil #twisted wonderland jamil #twisted wonderland leona #twst ace #twst deuce #twst epel #twst idia #twst rook #twst neige #twisted wonderland rook #twisted wonderland epel #twisted wonderland idia #twisted wonderland ace #twisted wonderland deuce #disney twisted wonderland #twst disney #disney twst #twst mickey

[semiotomatics]

cant sleep as uʒ, gonna wordvomit if you dont mind

its really fucking scary to notice yourself changing. like, even if its good changes. idk maybe its just me and my hyper-rigid sense of self but like. i need to be able to feel like i understand myself, and when that understanding starts to slip it. uhh. it freaks me out a lil.

honestly that was one of the scariest parts of finally going on medication for my mental issues. like, do i want to be happy and have energy and not be scared and vaguely suicidal all the time? yes, of course i do. but theres a part of me thats also like. but thats all ive ever known. thats who i am. when you take it away whats gonna fill the empty space?

and like. i kinda feel like im starting to find out. i mean, im still not cured by any stretch of the imagination, but i have noticed improvements, as well as just. changes (neutral). or maybe its changes (terrifying). changes in how i feel, how i think, what i want.

like. for example. ive considered myself ace since the day i first heard the word as a teen, and tho my romantic orientation has always been kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, ive been considering myself aro for all intents and purposes for years. and i love being aroace. its genuinely a vital aspect of my identity. it feels right. but yeah. lately there have been changes.

and that was exactly what i was worried would happen! cause "you're not aro/ace, youre just depressed" is such a common aro/acephobic argument, one that i myself have been told and have argued against, even though i realized it was technically a possibility.

and i know theres nothing wrong with it if that does end up being the case here. i know it doesnt invalidate my aroaceness up till now, i know it doesnt invalidate anyone else's aro/aceness, i know its okay. but still. im scared of the change.

so yeah, thats a bit of what ive been grappling with for the past few weeks. as things stand now, i still consider myself aroace, i just. want a different kind of relationship rn than ive ever wanted before. whether it would be considered romantic or queerplatonic or what i dont know.

i also have no idea at all how to go about actually, like, getting that kind of relationship. all of a sudden all the allo media ive consumed makes so much more sense to me. this shits hard!! by comparison being aroace is a goddamn piece of cake (pun absolutely intended).

anyway. yeah. i always seem to have these thoughts at night when i cant sleep, and i just. needed to get them out. if youve read this far, you have my sincere admiration 💚 im gonna go collapse into a ball and try to figure out what the fuck i want in life lol

#this has been an original post #personal spewage #idk man #theres too many potential tags for this #and i am le tired #ill come back and add tags tmrw #feelings n stuff