if you know this secret handshake some of us use today, i see you and i’m so sorry.
I don't celebrate Father's Day (or any other Hallmark holiday) for reasons that will not surprise you if you know anything about my life.
But I do celebrate all the other children of fuckers and pieces of shit who survived like I did, who broke the cycle of generational trauma like I and my sister did, whose mothers forced them to praise and worship their abuser "because it's father's day" like mine did, who fucking hate the endless reminders to celebrate the dad we never had (in my case, because he chose not to be a dad to me like he chose to be a dad for my brother. I guess being a bully was more satisfying to him).
I see you, friends. I see you, and I know you see me, and I am both grateful and sad. We know this secret handshake we wish we didn't know. We know a very specific kind of loss that only we know, a type of lingering pain that never really goes away entirely, that can only be reduced to part of the background noise, but can crank itself up to 11 without warning.
I just want you all to know that I see you, and I love you. I know how tough it is, how much it hurts.
I want to specifically make meaningful eye contact with all of my fellow survivors who are also dads, who show up for our kids in spite of the pain and loss. It's such a challenge, and it means so much. We broke the cycle and that is massive. I'm so proud of us.
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Can a parent know his pup second gender before? Like, waay before they presentation?
Good question! I think they have an inkling. I don’t know how long “way before” is to you, but in ACR Bruce starts catching notes in Jason’s pup scent that make him think Jason will eventually be omega.
Medically speaking, I did some world building with nodule growth in the pelvis that could, upon internal scan, show the beginnings of presentation several months out. So in ASOH Lex scans Jason, who is frozen pre-presentation, and finds end-stage nodule growth indicating omega internal organs.
But could someone look at a young, young pup and know? I’m not certain. Sometimes you can guess, based on how fast/big they grow, some characteristics they might show. But sometimes pups surprise you!
I imagine you could possibly do a blood test on pups to try and determine hormonal changes, but this tech is probably iffy.
And possibly — this is me just world building on 2 glasses of wine — presentation gender can be somewhat influenced by circumstances or environmental stress. Maybe it’s not set in stone once a pup is born? I don’t know for sure. Curious what folks think.
Bruce came from a long like of very strong alphas, and still presented omega despite being large/tall. By any predictor, he should’ve been an alpha — but wasn’t. Makes you think.
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I haven’t played this stupid game in 6 months. This is a sequel to Prospects, this time featuring Bailey.
Agreement
The envelope shook in your hand. “This should suffice.”
Bailey took it from you, not bothering to meet your eyes as she slit the top and took the slip inside. Whitney, dressed for the ride ahead— or fight; whatever came first— in his sweats and t-shirt, stood with his back to the door. Despite your assurance, he had insisted on sitting in on this final transaction as if the mountain of cash you had worked yourself ragged to obtain would not be enough to settle the score, as if your being there were not dependent solely on your value as a worker, as if Bailey— who now looked up at you over the check between her fingers and her half-rimmed glasses— would care beyond that if you were gone.
The ground swayed beneath your feet.
Bailey leaned back in her chair, gesturing to Whitney with the check. “This was your idea?”
You could not bring yourself to look back at him, but you could imagine his expression. It was the same as when you had when you had met Briar and Avery a few days before; cool, unflinching, as though you were an item at a pawn shop he was trying to get a good price on. You supposed you were, in a sense. “Yes.”
Bailey nodded slowly, taking in your figure, your stance. You squirmed under her gaze. “And the child’s yours, I take it?”
“Yes.”
She considered as much. “You know,” she mused, “your… what would the word be? Fucktoy?”
He scoffed. “For our purposes, property.”
“Oh, hardly.” She leaned her elbows on the desk, fingers lacing together under her chin. “Not officially at least, not until our terms are settled.”
“What terms are there to settle?” You picked at your cuticles, heart pounding in your throat. “Is that not how much—“
“That’s how much my best earner was worth before.” Her smile was sweet like cough syrup, sharp like whiskey. “I’m a businesswoman you understand; it would hardly make much sense for me to part with my greatest revenue stream for its raw material costs.”
You looked back at Whitney. He kept his eyes trained on the woman in front of you. “And how much would it take for you to part ways with your charge?”
She sighed in mock contemplation. “Oh, I don’t know.” She sucked her teeth. “Another fifty percent ought to do it.”
The words echoed in your ears. You swallowed back panic as you went back to staring at the floor.
“Fifty?” His sneer was audible. “The fuck you take me for?”
“Someone desperate.” She gestured to you. “Someone willing to take when they can get and leave.”
“A bitch, you mean.”
“So long as we’re being frank.”
“You—“
“Do you know how much that child is worth?” You shut your eyes as you felt her own take you in. “Do you know what sort of market you could appeal to with a matching set?”
You heard a rustling of cloth behind you. Whitney’s voice was as cheerful and bright as you had ever heard it. “So long as we’re considering the lives of people that matter,” he smiled, “I’m curious; how much is your life worth?”
There was a pause, a laugh from Bailey. “That bitch,” she sighed. “First that file—“
“This actually isn’t Laundry’s, surprisingly enough.” You heard the clinking of metal parts as he gestured to you. “Friend of a friend who lives in the country; I promised him the deed to this shithole if your position found itself empty.”
Despite yourself, you turned to face him. He held the pistol in his hand with the confidence of a man unfazed by its weight. In the back of your mind, you wondered if he would be tried if he went through with it, whether the cops would come or care or whether they would write it off as the result of one of Bailey’s “ungrateful brats”. You could not for the life of you decide which would be preferable.
“So,” he continued, finger twitching, eyes shining, “I think it best if we tried renegotiating terms.” He gestured to you. “Either you take the money and I take your cash cow off your hands—“ He steadied his aim, “— or I redecorate your office with your insides and you get to find out whether the contents of that envelope are worth shit in hell.”
You cast your gaze back towards her. Bailey looked between the two of you, lips pursed. “You’re more desperate than I thought.” She pushed her glasses up her nose and reached into her shirt pocket. “Let me give you some advice, kid.”
You shut your eyes again at the click of the safety. “Hands where I can see ‘em.”
She pulled out a carton of cigarettes, tapping one out and sticking it between her lips. “He isn’t a better person than I am, you know.” She took a lighter off her desk. “He’s not going to take better care of you than I am, isn’t going to wish you off to some fairy tale land where you’ll never know hardship; if anything, he’s going to fuck you over harder than I do.” She lit it, took a drag, smiled, exhaled.
“You fucking—“
“And you.” She pointed the cigarette at him. “Whitney, yeah? You think your life’s going to get better by being a father?” She leaned her head on her free hand. “I’ve been stuck with this job for thirty years now; the only thing that thing—“ she waved the cigarette in your belly’s general direction, “— is good for is an accessory to the walking ATM it’s stuck in.”
You could hear his voice shake; with what, you could not tell. “So help me God if you say one more thing about my fucking kid—“
“Let me say my piece.” She stood up, taking another drag and blowing it in your face. “If I were you,” she sighed, “I’d see if Harper couldn’t make an exception to get that thing out of you while it’s not breathing. Short of that, I’d ship it here.” She leaned forward, resting her hand on the surface of her desk. “But if I ever find your brat at my doorstep,” she promised, voice lowering, “if I ever see you or that thing here again, I’ll make your time here look like a stay at the Ritz-fucking-Carlton.” She stuck the cigarette back between her teeth, tilting your head up to look her in the eye. The resemblance between her and Whitney was apparent; you wondered if that was just what the eyes of monsters looked like. “I will make your child pay for however much you would have made me twofold, and I will sell their body— whole or piecemeal— to any dumb fuck who asks for what I’m sure will be a pretty young thing like them. Do you understand me?”
You could not breathe.
Her grip on your jaw tightened. “Are you deaf?” She brought you closer, and you whimpered at the sensation. “I asked you a question. Do you understand me or don’t you?”
You shut your eyes as her nails dug into your skin. You dug your own into your palm as you forced yourself to nod.
She kept you there a moment— for what, you did not know— before pressing a kiss to your forehead. Your eyes shot open, and you swallowed back tears— of relief, of sadness, of panic— as she released you, collapsing to your knees and gasping for air. “Good.” She took the check, slipping it into her pocket before sitting back down. “Leave before I change my mind.”
You pulled yourself to your feet, practically tripping over yourself to cling to Whitney. He glanced down at you, letting you bury your face into his shoulder as he took one last look at your former guardian. Wordlessly, he pulled the two of you out into the hallway, past the children gathered by the door, past the garden and Robin and the stairs and the threshold and finally, with a smile of untempered relief and satisfaction, across the street, into the truck parked there, and away from that miserable town, and as you watched the buildings you had come to know as parts of your home flew past, as you watched people you recognized from school rush into the forest and students— like you, you registered vaguely, desperate for money, for purpose, for anything— lean against street corners, you wondered if this would be any better, if this was more desirable, if this was emancipation or a different, crueler kind of ownership.
You mumbled a goodbye to the bus stop as it passed. Only then did the tears really start.
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Finals are coming up and I haven’t been able to do ANYTHING so I thought I’d make a quick angst post to let y’all know I’m not dead.
Real quick TW// for discussion of abusive relationships.
I think about Apollo and Zeus a lot. Because it wasn’t always bad. There were moments of calm, moments of camaraderie. And I know those were the moments Apollo clung too, when he felt alone and unloved. He became obsessed with those moments, those small happy times. He convinced himself that if he was just a bit more demure, a bit more obedient, his father would go back to telling him little jokes or smiling at his songs. And the worst part was that this was true. Every inch Apollo gave up to his father earned him praise, every piece of himself he tore apart was met with joyous approval. Zeus only ever wanted a son he could keep on a leash, so Apollo spent his life tightening the collar.
And Apollo put all his time trying to make up for the fact that he was Apollo. He talked to much and loved too loud and cried too often and sang too truthfully. And he made these strengths his weaknesses, to bend himself into the shape his father preferred. It became his life’s work, making a mockery of himself. And when it stormed he would weep for his children, who he desperately tried to teach to be better than him, without knowing what better truly meant. And he wept for his brothers and sisters, for the lives they had to lead in a city of false pride. And he wept for his father, who could never love him. And he wept for himself, because he could never stop loving his father. Because it wasn’t always bad, and that was all Apollo had to cling to.
Sometimes, the man who destroyed Apollo’s life was a good person. That’s what made the hurt even harder to bear.
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