#even if it's just one person it's such a euphoric feeling i cant explain it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luvneymar · 1 year

Text

(8) BABY BONDING — NEYMAR JR

SUMMARY: you and Neymar leave the hospital with your new baby-girl & you have to figure out how to parent a newborn all over again.

“Are you ready to go home princesa?” Neymar asked you as he repacked the hospital bag counting all the baby bottles before placing them into the bag. You on the other hand were in the bathroom freshening up before you took your baby-girl home for the first time.

“Yeah just hold on!” You yelled out trying to clip your necklace at the back of your neck but struggled as the clip kept closing before you could get it through.

You walked out of the washroom to ask neymar for help but as you walked through the doorway you saw Neymar sitting in the rocking chair with Valentina singing a Brazilian lullaby to her as she giggled and babbled laughing at even the slightest of things.

You leaned against the doorframe crossing your arms smiling at the sight, it took a while for him to notice you & the only reason he did was because the necklace you were trying to put on fell onto the floor.

“You should’ve told me you were done princesa.” Neymar looked up at you before looking back down at his babbling daughter picking her up by her armpits before standing up from the rocking chair.

“No, no. I didn’t want to disturb you. I just needed help putting on my necklace.” You bent down to pick up your necklace holding it up to show him before putting it around your neck again trying to put it on once.

You failed again but just before the necklace fell onto the floor again you felt warm hands on the back of your neck, you immediately recognized them to be Neymar’s helping you attach your necklace.

“Thanks.” You whispered, his hands on your neck sent shock waves down your spine as they stood on your shoulders before sliding down down your back before reaching the hem of your shirt.

His hands made their way up your back again this time underneath your shirt as his hands met with the hem of your bra. His hands made their way to the front of your bra lifting it so he could snake his hands under cupping your breast.

You had goosebumps all over your arms as you moved your hands under your shirt lifting your bra to place your hands on-top of his. The wire was digging into his hands so he took out one of his hands out to undo the clip at the front pulling your bra out of your shirt and tossing in somewhere.

Your breast were like 3x bigger than they usually were because of pregnancy and breastmilk being stored in there which made feeling them for the first time in a while much more euphoric than usual.

As you both stood there enjoying the feeling of being in each others arms again you were interrupted by your OB walking in on you both in a less than appropriate manner.

You separated as fast as you could before turning to face your OB feeling Neymar’s hands on your waist holding you from behind thinking your doctor hadn’t noticed.

“Wow guys. I love sex just as much as the next person but no sex until you reach 6 weeks of recovery. That includes the exit hole too you know .” She walked over to stand beside Neymar nudging him in his side.

You elbowed him in his stomach signalling him to let go of your waist, he let go quickly placing his hands onto your shoulder instead letting out a sheepish laugh. As he laughed you took in what your OB just said.

“Exit hole? Who would even…?” As you question your doctor leaned into your ear with a cunning look. “Believe me darling so many people.”

You shivered at the thought, “Well! I just came in here to give your post-pregnancy vitamins, your schedule for little Valentina’s immunization shots and a baby on board sticker.” She explained as she packed them into your bag.

“I cant thank you enough.” You hugged her as tightly as you could while Neymar picked up the bag and scanned the room for any remaining items.

“Just doing my job darling.” She pulled away tucking her hands into her pockets before the room. You sighed looking around the room once again before walking towards your baby in her crib & picking her up.

“Come on Vale, time to go home.” You whispered adjusting the pink hat on her head, you walked out the door where Neymar was waiting for you with a wheelchair in hand.

“You know I can walk right?” You reminded him walking right into the wheelchair, he undid the breaks and begun to walk turning the corners of the hospital until he reached the entrance where the car was waiting for you.

“Yeah I know but the doctor said you can’t pick up anything heavier than Valentina so.” Once you both reached the car you got out of the wheel chair, opened the backseat door & dove into the backseat to adjust Valentina in her car seat.

Once you were done you patted Davi on the head where he sat beside his little sister fast asleep. You dove back out and walked towards the front of the car and sat in the passengers seat.

You fasten your seatbelt your seatbelt Neymar entered the car and started the engine, right as he was going to start driving you felt as if you were forgetting something then remembered you hadn’t taken photos of her first car ride.

“Ney wait! We gotta take photos.” You pulled out your phone and begun to take an excessive amount of photos of the same scene over and over again.

“I’ll never get over her cuteness. Now we’re ready to go.” Neymar smiled at you before beginning to drive the car setting the GPS to São Paulo.

—

After about a 3 hour drive you made it back to São Paulo all safe and sound. Mostly. During the drive Valentina had a few explosive issues in her diaper, Davi demanded for you guys to sing “Row Row Row your boat” every 5 minutes or her cries which makes Vale cry.

But other than that you all made it within 1 piece. You stepped out the car and face towards the sun shining through the window of the parking lot, appreciating your moment of silence.

Which was short lived as Neymar came over to you and handed you your hungry crying baby. You sighed as you comforted your baby patting her bottom. Once Davi and Neymar were out the car you made your way to your penthouse condo.

Before you stepped even 1 food in the door Valentina had threw up all over your shirt despite crying about being hungry. “So you’re not hungry just mad at me huh.”

You handed off your baby to her father and sped walked to the closes place with a sink, slipping off your shirt and washing it in the sink. You hadn’t even noticed you were bare chested only in a bra until Neymar walked baby in hand. “Babe she’s still-”

“Huh?” You turned around to face him just to see both Vale and Neymar staring at you, or rather your boobs.

“Don’t you think this is a little inappropriate for her to see?” He asked clasping his hand over her eyes, you rolled your eyes at his immaturity.

“You and her are seeing totally different things. She’s seeing her meal you’re seeing … your meal.” You turned back around turning off the tap before walking towards Neymar taking your crying babygirl.

“It’s okay baby don’t cry.” You held Vale on your shoulder making your way to the bedroom with Neymar tailing behind you, you sat down on the bed as you used the blanket to cover your breast as you fed your daughter staring into her beautiful greenish-brown eyes.

Neymar sat down beside you holding his hand over your shoulder, he caressed her cheek softly smiling as he watched her hold onto your breast with her tiny tiny hands.

Soon she was finished feeding and once she detached from your breast you realized you didn’t have anywhere to put for daughter so she could rest. “What’s wrong?”

“We don’t have a crib.” You answered him, he looked surprised rather than horrified. “Really?” He asked, you nodded your lips pursed into one thick line. “Really.”

“That’s okay. That just means she gets to stay with us for much longer. And when she wakes up in the middle of the night it’ll be much easier.” Neymar pecked you on the lips repeatedly before shutting off the lamp light.

You stroked your babies back as she laid on your stomach snoozing off happily with a full stomach while laid in your bed smelling like vomit and breast aching like a bitch.

But even with all that you laid in your bed happy and healthy with the love of your love stroking your hair and laying your head on his shoulder. Just as you were going to fall asleep Davi walks into the room holding his teddy .

“Mommy can I sleep with you and daddy?” He whimpered out walking towards the side of the bed grabbing onto your arm.

“Of course baby, come here.” You patted the space between you and Neymar who was already fast asleep. He climbed into the bed and eased under the blanket. You kissed his forehead & played with his hair until he fell asleep.

“Goodnight my love.” You whispered before slowly falling asleep yourself.

← prev [ neymarsluv! ] next →

TAGLIST: @watersquirtpewpewboomm @kacyyz @shiffpring @ang3licho3 @wintergilmore3 @chelseamount @raniatsala (send an ask or reply to be added to the taglist!)

#neymar! 🫶#neymar x reader #neymar domestic #neymar fluff #football imagines #neymar jr #neymar junior #neymar one shot #football fanfic #football x reader #football #football oneshot #neymar #neymar imagines #ney #neymajr #neymar jr imagine

676 notes · View notes

stownnn · 3 months

Text

My brown eyed boy. 2/6/24

i’m not going to sit here and say we weren’t supposed to meet each other, or we came in each others life at a bad point. in ways i don’t believe that, that exist.

i think things happen for a reason, i read too many books and i know too many love songs to not have this imbedded into my brain.

i cant explain what i feel for you without putting it into writing, because when words fail me in the moment - they win after when they’re on paper.

to start off, i want to say i’m not broken and im not damaged. i have been through so much when it comes to love within the past… honestly my entire life. i never was loved properly and even when i was - the person and i weren’t able to love each other properly due to our current situations and my past i couldn’t let go of.

i have since let go of the past in many ways, i have moved on from things that has happened to me. i don’t associate them with every person that comes my way, family friend or significant other. i am utterly aware that everyone is different and that not everyone is the same.

but i have developed a response to things where if it comes up as history repeating itself, its a self defense fight or flight in me that is quick to just walk away - to walk away before i get more hurt.

im usually, typically, right away am ok. i don’t feel any empathy or remorse for doing what’s best for me - why would i when i know im protecting myself??.. but then there was you. who i instantly felt regret and felt the pain that came from doing that to you. i didn’t understand it and im still trying to. because even though i walked away and i said i needed space, i never was able too come to terms with the peace of it. there was only one time i felt this way and with one person, but there’s was more concern over their wellbeing cause they were mentally unwell.

with you, it was more. i worried about you, i wanted to be in your life, i enjoyed my time with you, and i saw you involved in my life more outside of a romantic relationship. even tho my romantic relationship with you was something that was overly passionate and strong on my end, since the moment i kissed you.

i can easily explain what kissing you felt like to me, but i don’t want it to be taken anyway. because no obviously i didn’t fall in love with you - love is simple but made out to be complicated to some people. love for me is something intense, meaningful and euphoric. it’s something that feels like a high, a good one that you don’t come down from and if it’s the good kind of love, it always feels that way. if it’s the bad kind, the euphoric feeling is mixed with overwhelming sadness, anger and anxiety. so no, i didn’t fall in love with you, it was way too soon. but i did have feelings for you.

kissing you felt like from standing in the cold December night to it suddenly bring a warm cool July breeze summer night. How perfect and soft your lips and kisses were that it made my head and thoughts go silent, as if nothing else was surrounding me. how when you kissed me and you spoke between the kisses telling me to let you know when i got home and to drive safe along with the feelings of your hands on my face. and when you pulled away and walked back to your apartment the feelings of your lips still lingered on mine, and the tingling of your hands on my face. how i lost track of my words and thoughts, and couldn’t process anything.

i knew i already liked you from how you spoke about music, in a different but similar way that i am. my music and passion comes from the sounds of guitars, bass and drums. the way the guitar can be plays in multiple ways and create different sounds with capos and notes on different frets and how notes can be changed played with a single guitar string. you got lost in your own music and style - and that was the first time i ever seen someone get lost in it like me. i don’t necessarily know if you find it an escape like i do because i can sit and play for hours on end, and be lost completely as if im the only person in the world playing - but from us listening to music and talking about it; seeing how you got and your passion, it seems pretty close to mine.

when it comes to what happened with us, i do wish i handled it better where i just stated i needed a break and space in a calming way - where i don’t feel as if we hate each other, or feel that we can never fix things or at least not for some time. i don’t believe im wrong with how i felt. i know i said my feelings are invalid here, from what you stated. i personally don’t believe that. i said it to make the fight end, but i don’t believe it. i was hurt and am still hurt. i’m hurt i was led on, im hurt you didn’t give me closure, im hurt from what i saw and heard - im hurt that i felt like i meant nothing to you. i’m hurt that, that night ever happened with us. and im not referring to what happened later that night when you kissed me down my neck and i let my self respect and boundaries go out the window - im only referring to spending the night, the laughter, the jokes, the playfulness, the snuggles, the kisses and how you looked at me after we kissed. How you were all over the place and then just stopped and turned around to grab my face and kiss me as if no time has passed and as if nothing happened. for you to not say the words “im not sure if this is what i want” and only said “i have a wall up and im proceeding with caution” making me believe that we were trying, broke my heart and confused me in so many ways i can’t explain. i felt like an idiot for thinking anything.

i can typically walk away without a problem, i can do it without giving closure. i can do it and not write a paragraph because the person knows what they did for me to walk away, an explanation for mistreatment is never needed to those who do it. but with you i found myself always writing one out, and that was because i wanted you to try to fight for me and us. i thought this is what you wanted and just played in my face, and i wanted to see if you fight and try but you just let me go each time. you wouldn’t handle it, you wouldn’t try to fix things, you wouldn’t try to have me calm down and see your side. you only said “i wish i knew this sooner so I could've change it” instead of “no stop let’s fix this now talk to me, don’t walk away from this” instead you added more fuel to the flame that i made by lighting a match and throwing it onto the gasoline you poured and you watched it burn.

you let me walk away. you let me leave. you let me cry. you let me go without giving closure like i asked. you allowed yourself to hurt me, with knowing all the pain and hurt i been through. you let my heart break, and me feel so unsure of myself and feel like an idiot. i just wanted you to fight for me to show me you cared, but you proved to me that you didn’t and don’t. from someone who said “i just want you happy” when i was going through my toughest battle mentally months before this happened, to someone who breaks my heart, and the worst part is i don’t think you understand or see that..

even with all this, i actually forgive you. i don’t know if you’ll ever come back into my life. i don’t know if i’ll ever put the wall down to let you. but oh my god, if i could rewind time, i would. i would go back to before anything happened. before i allowed myself to go numb for months, i would have allowed myself to let you in, maybe things would be different.

but i don’t believe you were ever a mistake or believe you came in my life at a wrong time. because even if i didn’t love you and with everything with us being short, like sand falling through my fingers and not being able to grasp any of it and stop it. you were my favorite one of all. my brown eyed dark fluffy hair boy, you were my favorite and will forever be my favorite.

i hope and pray that this really was never the end of us, i really truly do..

till we speak again.. always take care, always smile, always laugh, always succeed, and know i am always supporting you and randomly watching your streams and hoping and praying you succeed more than you ever imagined you could. my sweet handsome brown eyed boy. I hope you dont forget me and think of me whenever you see a dodge charger or see a loud dark hair Italian girl with big hazel eyes. I hope you think of me when you see a French bulldog. I hope you think of me when you see books. I hope you think of me when you see a cute couples post. I hope you think of me when you close your eyes and drift to sleep and remember who laid next to you last (if that was me..) I hope you always remember that short feisty girl, you playfully smacked your arm one too many times and than hugged you saying sorry because she felt bad. The girl who is stubborn, stressful, but beautiful. I hope you always remember me, as the girl who wanted nothing more than you and your time. I as well say this in a pure way, not an evil way. Because one thing I know for sure, whether or not we find our way back - I will never ever forget you. My brown eyed boy

#poetry #writing #writer #creative writing #late night thoughts #late night #romance #heartbreak #brown eyes #brown eyed boy #literature #writers on tumblr #writings #creative

2 notes · View notes

unethicalexperiments · 1 year

Text

idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

#talking to myself #content warning for like. borderline personality disorder. i guess.#this is just a wall of text bc i wont go back to therapy no one feel obligated to open or read this

2 notes · View notes

devildummies · 4 years

Text

Obey Me Weed Headcannons Pt. 1

TW: drug usage

Lucifer, Mammon, and Leviathan

a/n: first time doing this so i’m super open to criticism and let me know if you want a part 2 or any additional requests :)

Lucifer

-absolutely will not partake in such activity.

-knows exactly what it is, and why it’s taboo in the human world.

-he isn’t pleased when he finds out you smoke.

-you try to put him at ease when you tell him it helps with anxiety and stress, and doing it occasionally or not as often won’t do much harm.

-while explaining this to the most stressed out person you know, this puts an idea in your head. 😈😈

-Lucifer continues in his study marking paperwork, when you softly knock on the door.

-“Luce, I made brownies!” you set them on his desk after entering.

-though not unusual of you to bring him food sometimes, it’s usually more sustaining food like if he’s working late and missing a meal, not just a random plate of baked goods.

-he thinks about the strange gesture for a bit and continues with his work.

-a few hours pass into the evening and he starts to get a little hungry so he decides to take a bite of the brownie.

-as he continues with his paperwork, he starts to feel a tingling sensation all over his body.

-his muscles start relaxing, eyes start to become heavy and sits back in his chair.

-he gives into the euphoric sensation for a bit

-after what he feels like have been a couple minutes he looks at the time and sees an hour has passed.

-he shakes his head vigorously and holds his hair trying to make sense of things and looks back to the brownies

-“Y/N!!!!!” you hear a pounding at your door

-you open it to see a very angry lucifer, you know he figured out exactly what has happened

-“But you felt relaxed didn’t you?” you pout as you rub his arm.

-he tries to resist the urge to melt under your touch but sighs while giving in and pulls you close

-you hold him as he comes down from his high

-there will be SEVERE punishment for this tomorrow.😈

Mammon

-Mammon barges into your room after looking to see where Lucifer hid goldie this time.

-After rummaging around for 10 minutes he finds your smoke box.

-“MC ARE YA KIDDIN’ ME YOUR TAKIN’ DRUGS?! ARE YOU AN IDIOT DO YOU WANNA DIE DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT CAN DO TO YA?!!!??”

-you start laughing a little and do you’re best to calm the demon down.

-He plops down on your bed in a “hmph” fashion crosses his arms and says “Glad ya think me carin’ ‘bout ya is funny or somethin”

-you explain to him that you and your friends in the human world would do it just for fun on some special occasions like birthday parties.

-you also explain to him that as long as you’re not using it in super excess there are some benefits to it.

-as you talk more you also mention that it can help with anxiety and stress.

-as the Avatar of Greed listens he realizes that he wants to have fun with you the way you’re friends used to, he wants to make his human happy.

-“Hey, MC....” he speaks tenderly, and you look up at him trying to read his facial expression “D-do you mind if- i mean it’s...”

-“Do you want to try?” you ask and he nods

-“Are you sure Mammon, I don’t want to pressure you into it, and if you don’t want to-“

-He cuts you off and reassures you that he’s “The Great Mammon” and isn’t afraid of a little ~marijuana~

-you roll the joint and light it for him and you tell him to inhale

-he takes a BIG first hit

-after coughing a ton (poor baby hit it way to hard, “go big or go home” mentality) he starts feeling the pressure leave his head.

-you rub his arm to check if he’s okay and he’s breaking out into uncontrollable giggles

-you cock an eyebrow at him and smirk, “Are you good?”

-He tries to answer you and then breaks out into laughter again

-“Ya know you’re realllyyy funny MC” he giggles out again.

-after this night, this becomes your guys’ thing

-little smoke seshes together sometimes, whatever the circumstance may be.

-Mammon knocks at your door and you look at his downward expression “Rough day?” you question, and he nods.

-you hug him and get set up.

-you don’t do it often but Mammon loves that this is his thing with his human.

Leviathan

-you sit with Levi’s room finishing up your homework while Levi is playing a video game.

-after finishing up, you let out a tension relieving sigh and lay back onto his bed.

-it’s a friday and it’s been a long week of

classes, so you decide to treat yourself for making it through the rough week.

-you pull up your backpack and reach for your ~special gummies~

-Levi looks back to check on you and notices you plop one into your mouth

-“Whatcha got there normie?”

-you briefly panic, but try to maintain composure as best you can;

“Oh, um it’s just one of my favorite candies from the human world.” you try to give a reassuring smile and combat your brow attempting to furrow.

-“Oh cool! can I have one?” he asks excitedly.

-“Uh n-no I don’t think you’ll like them they’re really—“

-The Avatar of Envy begins to get suspicious

“Okay y/n I know exactly what’s going on here”

-you start to panic for a brief second, but you shoot him a confused glance to prompt him to finish.

-“You’re just trying to pretend like you’re looking out for me and saying I wont like them because you want to keep them all for yourself, isnt that true?”

-Before you get to finish, Levi begins to walk towards you, and when he notices you get of the bet he pounces.

-You notice that they have slipped from your grip while trying to get out of the “bed tub” in haste and they plop on the floor.

-Levi reaches for the bag quickly and you run back to try to get it back.

-But it’s too late.

-“Levi don’t please”, you beg.

-“Relax I just wanted to try one, do you really have to be so greedy I think you’ve been hanging out with Mammon too much; also, these are pretty good”

-He continues with his game and you watch him closely, you notice his face begin to drop and he starts to heave a little

-“Levi stop looking at the game.”

-“B-but I cant i have to win.” his panting becomes heavier and he swallows hard

-“Levi PLEASE stop the game”

-He stops to hold his head and you grab the console remote from him, pausing it.

-he starts to question why he feels this way and why the rooms are spinning, and you guide him to his bed.

-you lay down on the bed with him, and decide to put on TSL and cuddle him until he falls asleep which doesn’t take long.

-you explain to him everything in the morning

-“I’m never trying one of your normie candies again”

#obey me #obey me mammon #leviathan #obey me leviathan #shall we date #leviathan x reader #obey me levi x reader #mammon x reader #mammon x mc #levi x mc #obey me lucifer #lucifer x reader #lucifer x mc #obey me imagines #obey me headcannons #mammon #lucifer #otome

247 notes · View notes

we-always-hit-our-ass · 4 years

Note

I don't mean to bother you, but could you do hate to love headcanons for Bill Guarnere please?

oh you’re not bothering me at all! this is a NICE request- im into this idea and i loved writing hcs about this! thank you for requesting this lovely idea, it’s amazing!

Taglist: @floydtab, @deldontplay, @thatsonefishyboi, @noneofurbusinez, @meteora-fc, @hufflepuffpancakes, @hihosilvers, @rayleighshughes

Hate to Love HCs with Bill Guarnere

----------------------

you were generally well-liked and respected in camp toccoa and always hung out with george luz and perconte

these two were your best friends-

so you thought you would be fine with bill guarnere-

you didn’t really dislike bill guarnere at first because you two never really talked and you always conveniently left when he came in

you two avoided each other, and you were fine with anything as long as he doesnt bother you

but oh boy- shit started to change as the days went on

oh so you thought that you and bill could get along at first? i’m sorry to say that you were wrong-

somehow, bill is just now actively pursuing you just so he can insult you or poke fun at anything you do-

of course you tolerated at first cause like, you thought it was just a one time thing and iTS BILL GUARNERE-

his insults and snarky personality is one of the biggest things that he’s know for-

sooo you let it slide and never paid much mind to it

then bill turns around and decides to prove you wrong

but fortunately he never went that far, he’d only say his run-of-the-mill insults-

it wasn’t that that annoyed you though

it was how much he did it that annoyed you-

everywhere you went or whoever you hang out with, bill would never fail to poke fun at you

whether it was his vulgar insults, his pushiness, his bold personality, or his shit-eating grin??- you didn't know

you knew that was just his brand, but holy shit- you couldn’t take anymore of it

bill would constantly pester you until you snap and just straight-up leave

but even when you would leave to not interact with him this man will still be there-

and i dont think thats a coincidence

but bill would only purposely annoy you because this poor boy doesn’t know how to express his affection but you sure as hell didnt know that-

so when he sees you get mad after his teasing, he’s just a little bit confused-

but like even though you thought it was funny at first, he just kept doing it

this pissed you off and you always try your best to keep calm and ignore him

like you aint giving him a reaction, youre too stubborn-

but then he’d always flash a cocky smirk once he sees you leaving after he annoyed you just a little too much that day

and when he does that you cant help but like a teensy bit annoyed,

cause like who wouldn’t??

you swore that you could punch him and i swear you almost did

thank god the easy boys were kind enough to literally keep you from knocking out guarnere

seriously, this man does not know when to stop and you just couldn’t stand him

like god forbid you two being next to each other for 1 second

but then shit turned around once more- but for the better this time

while easy two was out in the field, bill literally pushed you out of the way and shielded you from a nearby grenade you didn’t see

you were very thankful but first of all you were SURPRISED that this man actually saved your life

the man that you hated- saving you?-

lEMME tell you- as cheesy as it is, words really couldn’t describe how you felt

confusion? relief? shock?

fuck it man, it was all three of them-

as you’re just staring in shock at him, he’ll just act all nonchalant about it

you just kind of watch him walk away with your mouth wide open and your eyes wide fucking open-

your thoughts on him immediately start to change after that day

and you no longer found yourself disliking him

like you didn’t know exactly when your thoughts on him started to transform but it was somewhere after the incident-

of course, he also clearly changed his attitude after that day too-

like then suddenly he’d stop his teasing?

like, yeah it still happens from time to time now, but like it wasn't as overbearing as before

but then bill actually starts to hang out with you more without actually outwardly teasing you anymore

and you are just completely

like he’d sit then next to you and after a few moments of silence he starts to talk to you about random stuff

it was awkward and first but then you guy would actually start to talk and you think it’s a miracle

it was slow progress at the beginning but small talk quickly turned into long conversations that were full of laughter

this man who seemed unapproachable and harsh who was actually nothing but a big softie

you slowly warmed up to him and you even found yourself welcoming bill guarnere’s quirks and unique personality

as you opened up to him, he also opened up to you and soon most of your free time was spent talking to him

your relationship grew stronger as the war raged on and you couldn’t help but feel a certain way towards him

like it started with small things, but those small things led to STRONG ASS FEELINGS- i mean, can you imagine?

you started to notice things you haven’t ever noticed before, like how cute his smile was, how nice his voice sounds, or how caring he can actually be-

aND BILL NOTICED THINGS TOO-

i mean, he already noticed them but bill just started to appreciate and love them even more than before-

like the way your eyes light up when you get excited, when you laugh at his stupid jokes, and when you’re just existing-

bill refuses to admit that he’s getting sappy for you, but he knows that he does-

tension soon builds up between you two guys and its a wonder how easy company hasn’t caught on-

i mean, the longing and adoring looks you cast each other are precious and you wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world

bill wouldn’t also trade anything in the world for those smiles and happy expressions of yours

bill also seemed to be hiding his feelings behind his personality pretty well, but he’s actually struggling-

after a few days of thinking, guarnere just decides that he couldn’t wait anymore and he also decides to shoot his shot

and he’s so GLAD that he did-

things couldn’t have turned out better for the both of you

if you already haven’t ascended when he took your hands into his- then you definitely ascended when he confessed

for someone who had a very bold and brash personality, bill was surprisingly soft spoken and tender during his confession

the confession was short- BUT SWEET!

you almost died when you heard bill apologize and explain why he treated you so badly when he first met you

you were just in awe at this man. this beautiful, snarky, bastard made your life 10000x better and a world without him was not a good world at all-

immediately you would say how you felt, your hands still in his and you decide to intertwine your fingers with his

bill instantly kissed you as you finished and the warm sensation that you shot straight into heaven and it could only be described as euphoric

even that is still an understatement

when you stopped, bill raises his hands to cup your face and the feeling you got was aSTOUNDING

he just looked at you with such soft eyes that were full of love and you could help but melt

you were still breathless, but you begged for more of his touch

more kisses were shared privately among the two of you, and you wouldn’t want to have it any other way

but believe when i say that easy company had their mouths dROPPED to oblivion when they found out that the two of you were dating-

they had to admit it, you two did make a surprisingly good match and they were living for every single second of it

while you two got off on the wrong foot, you couldn’t be any happier to be with him

you and bill would also sometimes find it impossible that you two even hated each other in the first place

but it was all worth it, because you two ended up in each other’s arms in the end anyway

and for you and bill, that was all that mattered

----------------------

im sorry if i took too long to answer your request but i finally posted it! i really liked writing this and this was just such a nice request!

hopefully you enjoyed these hcs and i also hope that it’s good enough! 💞💞😊

btw im sorry for any mistakes of any kind!

#band of brothers #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers headcanon #band of brothers fanfiction #bill guarnere #william guarnere #bill guarnere x reader #bill guarnere headcanon #william guarnere x reader #william guarnere headcanon #hbo war #hbo war headcanon #hbo war fanfiction

115 notes · View notes

xsugarysweetsx · 4 years

Note

I've read some of your prompts and they were really good written,and i was wondering if you could write one with 4( overly romantic gesture turns partneron too much) from smut prompt list with Chuuya with a s/o that's taller than him? Thank you very much even if you won't write that!

Hello! I’m happy you think their good! I’m going to apologize ahead that I am short so I’ll try not to over exaggerate on the tallness. But thank you for requesting! Please stay safe and stay healthy❤️❤️ @darkpurplewind

SMUT PROMT LIST

Warnings;

4. Overly Romantic gesture turns parter on too much

(´・ω・)

It was your one year anniversary with Chuuya and you wanted this to be special. He’s been the absolute best to you and you wanted to thank him. Everyone knows how strong and powerful he is but, they also know how short he is.

Which was another thing, you were considered tall-at least to you. He saw past the whole height thing and said “i don’t care about your height, I care about you” although the height difference was about 4 inches, not too much.

You got him something simple yet very thoughtful. The other say you saw him eyeing a hat in a store, sooo you may or may not have pulled a few strings to get it for him. You also got his favorite wine, a.k.a the same bottle he opened when Dazai left the Mafia.

You smiled down at the bag and couldn’t wait to see his face. You had come to the port mafia to surprise him at his office. Of course almost everyone there knew you, even the guards at the door.

They let you through and you make your way to see your boyfriend. You come up to his personal office and knocked on his door

Two knocks.

One knock.

Three knocks.

A special little code you made so he knew it was you. You open the door without a second of hesitation. He was on the phone and motioned for you to come over

“Yeah...tomorrow night at the usual doc..yeah got it” he hung up then looked to you. “Hey babe how you been” he came in front of you you bent down a bit to kiss him.

“I’ve got something for you” you smiled at him “I hope you like it” you give the bag over to him. He took the bag from your hands and set it on his desk first he pulled out the hat which he gawked at. He looked like a little boy who got the toy he wanted so badly.

He then proceeded to pull out his favorite wine. “Babe, you shouldn’t have” he put the bottle down and ran to embrace you. You hug him back but feel something as well

“Chuuya..?”

“Yes love?” He said

“Is that you gun” you went a little flustered. Because if it wasn’t...how??

“Uh....hehe funny storry um..” he chuckled trying to explain

“How?” You chuckled as you separated and took a peek. Let’s just say you’re weren’t disappointed ;).

“L-look i like a woman who knows her man and you my love” he grabbed a hold of your chin and lowered your head to his level “you know your stuff” his pecked you’re nose and let go.

He takes your hand and leads you to his desk. He may be small but he’s strong

ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ this is Chuuya and you cant tell me otherwise!

He lifts you on to the desk and slots himself between your legs. He casually crashed his face between your breasts

“The best pet about your height is being able to do this” he said muffled. You chuckled and he looked up at you “sigh I didn’t get you much except two things. Eating out and new shoes aannddd a another small gift you’ll enjoy ”

Why did he phrase it like that?

“Eating out where?” He got the smirk on his face. The one where eveyrhing was going as he wanted

He got down on his knees and spread your legs “Earing out here”

His hands come up to bring your underwear down. He blew some air on your Heat causing a shiver to run through your body. Ugh you loved when he did that

His tongue took one long stroke up your slit and stopped at your bundle of nerves. Applying a plait a of pressure causing your mom to grow.

“This is what my good girl gets for knowing me so well” he smirked as he dove in once more. His mouth attaching to you bundle of nerves

“Aaah ch-Chuuya..mm” you moan as your head falls back. His hands were on the inside of your thighs keeping them apart.

You rock your hips against his face loving the friction you were getting but wanted more. Soon enough you felt something poking your entrance. You shoot up a bit

“Ssh It’s alright princess it’s your gift” he said calmly. You look in his hands to find a...toy. Your face flushed red as you laid back on the desk mostly to hide your embarrassment.

Another shiver came to you as a the object ran up and down your slit. It was a little wet form the lube he snuck on to it.

He stood back up and watched you “I know I’m gone for a long while sometimes but I got this for you to keep you company” he winked at you. He stopped when he came to your entrance.

He started to slowly insert watching you for any discomfort. But all he saw was your face full of pleasure.

Eyes closed, mouth open and moans spilling from it. The price was all the way it and he smirked to himself

“The party isn’t over yet princess” the injected started to vibrate inside you. This was something so new and so euphoric you don’t know what to think or how to react.

“Ohh god yes!” You cry out

He knew exactly where your sweet spot was so he held it against your spot. The size of it stretching you and the way it vibrates against you.

You couldn’t hold it in, in all honesty. You came I’ve your edge a little soon, but god it was so worth it. It was the best orgasm you’ve had so far. Well, a close second next to Chuuya.

“Ch-Chuuya...that was...” you panted out. He chuckled and leaned over to kiss your cheek

“I know, I got a certain size that matches me. Now come on we got more work to do”

You raise your eyebrow questioning him

“Oh sweetheart, don’t think I’m letting a simple toy get the best outta you. That’s my job”

Damn it this man could get jealous even over a toy

..you loved him so much.

Looks like it’ll be a long night

Okay here it is and I hope it’s what you were looking for! Thank you for reading! Please stay safe and healthy!❤️

#chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #bsd chuuya #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs #fanfiction #anime #anime x reader #bsd fanfic #bsd fandom

72 notes · View notes

normalbirb · 4 years

Note

how long have u been on T and how's your experience so far? (sry if this is a little personal)

Ah no, I dont mind talking about it.

In about 3 weeks it have been a year, and its been an interesting journey so far. A lot of people told me the changes would be slow, but holy shit they really werent (at least not for me). Theres a ton of changes that have happened so far, some i def like more than others. But even the negative ones feels natural.

My life have become so drastically different in ways I cant explain. Its not the same as it used to be. The fact that I was once pre-t is such an alien thought by now. Getting correctly gendered doesnt give that euphoric feeling anymore, wich honestly I prefer. Its just how it should be. Being gendered anything else by now would just be weird.

46 notes · View notes

spiffysixxsense · 4 years

Note

Hello annoying best friend here to fulfill my duty by asking you to answer all of the cute asks

angel; do you have a nickname?

not really. my name is already short and I don't have a prominent quality to nickname me after. The only person who refers to me as anything other than my name is my boyfriend, but I don't think “babe/baby” really counts as a nickname lol

awe; how old are you?

baby; favorite color?

dark teal (blue-green? I've never found a good name for my favorite color)

bloop; spirit animal?

so because I didn't have a good answer for this, I decided to google a quiz to find out, lol. My answer was a deer. here's why;

When you have the deer as spirit animal, you are highly sensitive and have a strong intuition. By affinity with this animal, you have the power to deal with challenges with grace. You master the art of being both determined and gentle in your approach.

The deer totem wisdom imparts those with a special connection with this animal with the ability to be vigilant, move quickly, and trust their instincts to get out the trickiest situations

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

i don't really have a favorite book, i don't read much outside of school (I wish i did)

movie: A Beautiful Mind

song: oh dear lord i cannot pick just one, but all-time favorite band of mine is Shinedown

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

a little stuffed dog that looked like Kipper from the TV show, I still have him :)

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

lmao what came to mind was when i pledged to never drink, smoke, or say bad words. two out of fucking three ain't bad i guess.

bright; mermaids or fairies?

(honestly neither but) fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

given the asker, i would say yes :) also i am lame and my boyfriend is also my best friend

buttercup; showers or baths?

S H O W E R S. hate baths!

butterfly; dream destination?

I've never had a huge desire to travel honestly. like sure i could say Italy or Greece look beautiful, but the actual act of traveling overseas really stresses me out lol. so i would have to say more like upper midwest, like Maine, in the fall time for all the pretty trees.

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

i am neither

calm; favorite scent?

anything fruity - pineapple, mango, berries, apples. at least in terms of what candles i like lol.

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i do not remember anything from last night - the last dream i remember involved my boyfriend, dad and i being lost up north lol

charming; have you ever been in love?

currently

cozy; eye/hair color?

hazel / brunette

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the 1970′s for the fashion

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

love me a good succulent

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

well this last birthday was amidst quarantine, so I got some candles and granola (my boyfriend knows me well lol)

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

i have no idea? what an odd question? probably some stuffed animal?

cutsie; what makes you happy?

picnics, alone time, my boyfriend, my cat choosing to cuddle with me.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

I really cant think of a time I've ever felt truly free. maybe when i drove myself to school earlier this year & didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up?

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

as a light in others lives. happy, bubbly. things i currently am not

daylight; favorite album of all time?

gosh these dang music questions. well, Nickelback - All the Right Reasons was the first album i ever bought myself. then maybe Shinedown - The Sound of Madness (i cant pick one OKAY)

dear; zodiac sign?

Taurus

delightful; concerts or museums?

concerts

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes? this question makes me feel old, lol.

dobby; dream job?

criminologist. some way to be reducing the mass incarceration rate in the US.

doll; how do you like to dress?

comfy, v necks and leggings. As i have gotten older i have slowly wanted to be more feminine i think, because i really want some sundresses for summer lol

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

one! when i was 12ish, i swear i saw a reflection of a uniformed man (like old school soldier uniform - blue blazer with gold cufflinks) behind me in the glass of my snakes tank at the time. it was weird because the only reason i even looked that way was because my snake started shaking his tail against the glass, something that corn snakes do when they are scared, but also something that in his entire life had never done unprompted ever.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

want yes, have no

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

100%. no way we are alone in this universe

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

he makes my days so much better :)

fairy; do you have a pet?

I have one little old kitty :)

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

to vacation, ocean. to live, mountain

forever; where do you feel time stop?

the secretary of state? lol

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

I've never owned a plant lol

garden; how many languages do you know?

one :(

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

@cy-ne-fin

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

sepia photography/old books that have yellowed into sepia. or fresh greenery on white marble.

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

i don't really get any anymore, but as long as they are nice or just questions/venting, im down. don't be offended if i never answer though, for some reason i never get Tumblr notifications lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

im compassionate

im empathetic (which is similar but im struggling to get to 5 lol)

im goal-oriented

im determined (once i have said goal. again, related lol)

i guess i like my lips/lip shape

heart; silk or lace?

lace

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

tea. iced, black or green really, with sugar.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

bird watching because it means i am probably alone and in nature as opposed to somewhere in a crowd of people. and i wont feel creepy for watching the birds lol

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

white noise, a fan running. if that's not enough, i enjoy asmr. if i am really struggling/having anxiety, i will look up sleep stories from the headspace app on youtube (life hack to not have to pay for the app lol)

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

to be outside, i enjoy just warm enough to be comfy in pants and a t-shirt (so like 65F-ish) and sunny.To be inside, i love when it is cooler (like 50F?) and raining. I love the look, sound, and smell of rain but it is usually just inconvenient to be in.

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

well now all days are the same for me, #quarantine, so the same thing i do every day, just about nothing, lol

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i guess laugh loudly because i am a loud person in general. i have a deep voice

kinky; do you blush easily?

i don't think so, my embarrassment turns into sweat, not blush, lmao

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

i guess being proposed to someday? but i don't have a certain dream way of it happening, just the fact that its happening is enough for me lol. id enjoy if someone (cough Elle or also maybe Michael lol) were secretly filming and/or taking photos of it? I am not sure how you'd manage that though

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

late at night when everything is quiet

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

old school three days grace (one-x album in particular)

love; what is your favorite season and why?

i always gravitate to fall for the leaves and pumpkin patches. but honestly, i think my favorite season is spring. i love the newly budding trees and flowers, the feeling of renewal, the release from the horrible Michigan winter lol, but most importantly, spring time for my whole life as of yet has always meant that school is over for the semester! as opposed to the fall when the semester starts. this is very long winded but spring final answer lol

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

I've never had a macaron and blue moon ice cream

magic; what are five flaws you have?

ooooo boy

im short tempered/angry too much

im unmotivated (which is confusing maybe because i said i am determined earlier. you see, once i HAVE a goal i feel determined to finish it. but i am unmotivated to create said goals, lol)

im nonconfrontational to a fault where i always put others’ feelings before my own

i let fear of change stop me from ever taking risks/ am anxious

i am stubborn and sometimes have a hard time admitting i am wrong

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

this depends - screw pastels. warm neutrals for makeup purposes, but cool darks for aesthetic or decor purposes

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

someone who feels like home. I am not entirely sure how else to explain that. you just feel peace and content with them.

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

something that allows you to only be with your date - so like a picnic or hike or just a walk even. my boyfriend and i liked to walk around in the fall for me to take pictures of leaves while he played pokemon go (man i miss the pokemon go summer and i have never even PLAYED it, it was just so fun to be with him while he played)

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

on youtube usually

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. if your family is toxic for whatever reason, you do not owe them your time strictly because they are family.

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook, im not super into sweets & i want to enjoy the final product

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

normal? like its legible but its not pretty or cute

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

no:( wish i could play bass or drums

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

i don't :)

i really don't have an answer other than solving whatever is stressing me out, lol. i wish i had more mechanisms to calm me down but nothing i have tried has ever really worked

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

you know these favorites questions are hard for me lol. right now, i am loving watermelon, but i also love most fruits. kiwis! vegetable, i feel like i have to say potato lol

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

lol the last thing i read had to be some academic text, so that's boring

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

meeting Alex i guess, it changes my whole life path to have someone you want to do life with

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

quarantine? lol

shine; art or music?

music is art.

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

i think so. Elle’s dog griffin loves me for some reason lol

smitten; do you collect anything?

not really

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

jolly ranchers

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

nope

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

nope

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

Spongebob probably. unless we are talking like really tiny, toddler age, then Winnie the pooh

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

i live in a 2 bedroom apartment, there arent any spots. lol. my bed i guess

soothe; digital or vinyl?

i mean digital for convenience but vinyl for aesthetic

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

i mean the only person i really actively miss ever is Alex. @cy-ne-fin sometimes, but i have also grown used to living away from each other

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyalty, honesty, & humor

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

if i must pick, practical.

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

absolutely not. i feel like a burden with my feelings even though i shouldn't

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

honestly not really. am on the fence still about ever having any

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

not really

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

i am as average as they come man, nothing is unique about me lol

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

like a background friend? like i am not very social, so we do not have to talk every day to be friends. so like im here if you need me, but i enjoy alone time.

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

the way my boyfriend looks at me, & as i was working on this my cat came to cuddle, which i gave as an answer earlier before he jumped up here :)

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owlllllll

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

the power to heal those who are hurting (including myself)

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home home home home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

not anymore, i did in high school/early college years. not I've stopped caring

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

messy? kinda in the middle really.

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

my state, sure. my city in particular is definitely pretty boring

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

I've never seen one :(

2 notes · View notes

omoghouls · 5 years

Text

Mordecai shifted from foot to foot, doing his best to keep his aim steady. Even the smallest jostle of his firearm could throw off the sightline enough to spell danger for the vault hunters below. He’d been perched in his tower all day, playing lookout for the team on their latest task, which is exactly how he liked it. From the tower he was close enough to the action to boast about his excellent combat skills, should an opportunity to use them arise, but far enough away that he had ample time for brooding, drinking, and plotting, which as it happened, were his three favourite activities. On this day of very little action however, he may have given preference to drinking. Normally that wouldn’t have been a problem. A few drinks here, a couple there, it’s practically nothing for our sniper. He does always say he’s an even better shot when he’s drunk. But now after a day of throwing back drink after drink, the slightly intoxicated sniper was regretting his last bottle as the liquid he’d consumed settled uncomfortably in his rapidly filling bladder.

Sweat broke on Mordecai’s brow and he let out a low whine, curling his toes in his shoes. He cursed under his breath, berating himself for never bringing a chair up to his lookout. Just being able to sit down would do wonders to ease some of the pressure that rested between his hips, but of course that wasn’t an when you had to be ready to fire at any moment.

He broke is gaze away from the vault hunters for a fraction of a second, glancing to the empty bottle laying a few feet away. He pressed his thighs together, and pulling at the waistband of his pants, trying to find a comfortable position. They usually hung off his scrawny frame, but now the way they cut into the tender skin of his lower abdomen made them feel about three sizes too small. The man groaned as he glanced back to the bottle. Could he? Fuck he needed to. He made a motion to put down his firearm before thinking better of his plan. It would take too long, he thought, and all his years of experience told him that even a second away from his lookout could be disastrous for his teammates. His face burned at the thought of having to explain to the vault hunters that he didn’t cover them because he needed a potty break. He looked over the edge of the tower. He could easily unzip and relive himself off the edge, but if anyone were to notice it would give away his position and that would be a major safety concern. Defeated he went back to his task. Resolving to just hold it until the mission was complete and everyone was safe back at basecamp. Easier said than done however.

Mordecai did his best to focus on his job, but it was hard to keep his sight pointed with all his squirming. Crossing one leg over the other, and back again, bouncing on his toes, one hand firmly pressed into the front of his pants gripping himself in a last ditch attempt to stay dry.

The pressure was proving too much for the sniper, as he was hit with wave after wave of desperation, his body showing him no mercy as it tried to void the contents of his painfully overfilled bladder. Sweaty and shaking with the effort of trying to hold on, Mordecai’s legs buckled, sending him and his weapon crashing onto the metal floor of the tower. On his knees, the man shoved both hands into the front of his pants, trying to regain control as the first spurts of wetness dampened his inner thighs. “fuckfuckfuckfuck no not this oh fuck.” He cursed, hunching forward, doing everything he could to not piss himself like a child. But it was too late, the gates were open. The wetness seeped through his fingers, running down his thighs and pooling around his knees where he sat. The relief was euphoric, and he couldn’t help but sigh as the tension he had been feeling for so long released itself into a quickly cooling puddle underneath him. As the stream tapered and stoped, he looked down at the damage. The soaked fabric of his pants cling to his body from his waist to his feet. His shoes squished when he moved. His cheeks burned. His eyes filled with tears. Pushing the humiliation out of his mind, he wiped his eyes on his sleeve and stood up, grabbing his thankfully dry weapon of the floor, and placing it back in sniping position. At least his teammates would never know what took place in the tower that day.

------

AA A A A A A A A A ?????? OMFG OMG IM LEGITIMATELY CRYINGN OVER HOW AMAZING THIS IS AND JSYT HOW SWEET YOU ARE????😭😭😭💖💖💖💖💖 This is absolutely phenomenal, like you said you didnt know the character yet, they way you wrote him is like you know him personally and aaa????? The descriptions, how his habits have caused him a situation much greater than he had anticipated because he cant move from his perch in risk of something happening to the other vault hunters

Just, words cannot describe how appreciative and grateful I am and just I owe you my entire life and soul, thank you so so much, like, I cannot thank you enough for this😭❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

#omorashi #omocute #submission #mordecai the hunter #a a a aa a a like words cannot describe???? I feel like I cannot thank you enough for this seriously 😭❤#fave #x #also ajsjd this gave me the inspiration and vibe to continue on my fics a a a a

8 notes · View notes

aquarianlights · 6 years

Note

I am the anon who asked about nexplanon. I thought it could trigger you, that's why I didn't go into details. I wanted to know if it stops your period or if you are still bleeding? Hope I've been more clear.

Gonna write out a fuckton of details, putting the important things in bold…and then put a completely bolded TL;DR at the end:

I really appreciate the not wanting to trigger me. I thought maybe that was why you didn’t go into detail. That is really respectful and I really appreciate it, but for future reference for you and anyone: If it is medical, scientific, or for educational purposes and does not reference my parts sexually or treat me or my parts as sexual objects and I still remain male in the eyes of whomever is asking me questions, I don’t mind explicit detail.

I really appreciate that, though.

As for the answer….It’s a little complicated.

This is my replacement nexplanon. I had one for three years prior to this one. I got my replacement one put in on 11/22/2017.

With my FIRST nexplanon…the first three years I had it…I didn’t bleed at all. The one and ONLY time I spotted (did not get a full period and did not get ANY associated symptoms…just simply spotted) was when living with my ex-girlfriend and her husband. My ex had VERY alpha-essque hormones. I spotted tiny, tiny bit when living with Chelle but it was so unnoticeable that I didn’t even have to use a pad.

It is completely normal for anyone with female parts that has nexplanon to actually get a full period (even with all the associated symptoms) for the first few months after insertion… And, IF I UNDERSTOOD MY NURSE RIGHT…..(I may not have, coz I’ve been in a total daze this past week+), it’s even possible for people with the appropriate female parts to have full periods with associated symptoms every month on time for the entirety of their time with nexplanon. But every single person I’ve talked to who has nexplanon said that’s really not a thing and their periods, if they got them AT ALL, went away almost immediately after the first few months.

I have a bleeding/clotting disorder that especially affects my periods (and is also something I have to alert tattoo artists to which is why a lot of my tats come out unfinished). When I got my first period at the age of…maybe 13? I was hospitalized because I clotted so badly and I almost bled out entirely. They suggested I take my uterus out immediately because this wasn’t something that was going to go away and I would need to be on a VERY STRONG BC for the rest of my life that either eliminated bleeding/clotting altogether or made it to where I bled/clotted like a normal person’s period, which would still be awful. ALSO, my periods last approximately 2 weeks, give or take a couple days each time. This is normal for my entire family on my mother’s side…it would put my mom and her mom and their mom before that and all my mom’s sisters out of work and out of school and stuff the entire time every month of their period. They didn’t have it as severe as me because they didn’t have the bleeding/clotting disorder to worry about. But they did have as severe cramping as I had that was as bad, if not worse, than labour pains (spoken from women in my family who have been through it, some multiple times). They DIDN’T have something that I didn’t get until my late teens, early 20′s…and on… until I got my nexplanon. The psychological effects of the period. Every single time I got my period, I would wind up in a hospital the day before I actually got it because of the most extreme and impulsive suicide attempts you can imagine. I have NEVER felt such extreme psychological instability as I have when on my period. It’s like…every single disorder I have gets amplified by a million and they all clash and I’m unable to control anything and suddenly my body and mind act on their own and I’m no longer in control and I black out and wake up in a hospital or while being dragged, kicking and screaming, down the hall by orderlies to the floor with a ward on it. The hallucinations, the BPD symptoms, the other schizo symptoms, the homicidal and suicidal symptoms usually being taken over by suicidal, the self harm urges, the inability to make decisions for myself, the panic attacks while all of this is happening, flashbacks to rapes and being in wards and being trapped and sex training and all sorts of different things that i cant remember, …the list goes on and on. ALL AT ONCE. I just wake up and get FLOODED with all of these things all at once and Killian shuts down and idk what or who takes over but whatever does instantly goes for the most dramatic, impulsive, instantaneous, shocking, grandiose, suicidal gesture you could ever imagine that always seems to be in public (lets break a glass mirror in public with your brass knuckles and slit our wrists and throat open with a huge shard where everyone can see, why don’t we!?) so I mean, you can only imagine how many times I’ve been thrown right on the ground by a cop and cuffed and taken in. This is usually the day BEFORE my period. Also, I starve on my period. I starve naturally coz I’m anorexic…but it takes willpower to starve during non-period times and times when I’m sober..During my period…I can’t eat anything coz I always feel nauseated, my two lower quadrants are always in such intense throbbing or stabbing pain that I’m writhing and screaming despite heating pads and normally a dilaudid or fentanyl drip at the hospital, the thought, smell, and visual effect of food makes me feel….full? Idk how to describe… It’s not nauseated. But it makes me feel so full that I couldn’t force myself to eat even if I wanted to. And since my period lasts a MINIMUM of two weeks, give or take a couple days, I usually end up on IV nutrients, too.

I’m explaining all of this because I’m needing to explain WHY it is so important that I chose nexplanon over…say…The Pill or an IUD or something. I’ve heard that the Depo Provera shot works for people who can’t handle nexplanon and vice versa. Well, when I tried the Depo Provera shot, I wound up having the effects of an anti-depressant on me…in other words, it made me so insatiably suicidal that I ended up in a ward within a couple hours of getting the shot. Depo worked HORRIBLY on me…I didn’t even get to see if it worked for any of my period symptoms coz it had to be flushed from my system entirely coz of the EXTREME psych effects it had on me.

But Nexplanon….Nexplanon was my saving grace.

Coz not only did I literally NEED the bleeding/clotting to stop….But I NEEDED ALMOST ALL of the associated symptoms to stop. I think the only things that weren’t either life threatening or debilitating were mild acne that happened very rarely each period (never really had to deal with acne in my life) and the bloating/water retention. Very specific, certain mood swings associated with periods were something not life threatening or debilitating either. Just…annoying and a total bitch to everyone around me hahahaha. I slayed with my words and popped off on anyone…Yikes. But it wasn’t like my BPD mood swings where 0 to 100 in less than a second on being euphoric and suicidal almost simultaneously.

I explained all of that because I need everyone to realize I chose nexplanon and not anything else because almost everything about my period (the bleeding/clotting AND almost ALL associated symptoms) were life threatening AND debilitating and had almost killed me so many times, it was terrifying. Since my parents obviously did not agree to get my uterus taken out and since I haven’t had the money to get mine surgically removed and donated to a wonderful transgirl (got three of you lovely ladies in mind! you all know who you are!)…I needed a BC medication that was going to stop EVERYTHING. Not just “the period”. But the ENTIRE period. The bleeding/clotting and ALL associated symptoms.

That BC was either Depo Provera shot or Nexplanon. One works, the other doesn’t…it seems to be that way with everyone. I tried Nexplanon first. That worked well. I forget why I tried Depo inbetween but you just read how nearly fatal that was for me…

ANYWAYS…

So this is my second time on it. As I said, It was put in on 11/22/2017.

The removal and replacement went smoothly and it’s been going smoothly……..until this month.

What I am experiencing is normal for a NORMAL PERSON. A NORMAL PERSON with a NORMAL PERIOD would be okay with these symptoms. Problem being….Idk what symptoms are associated with what because:a) I’m switching my migraine medication to something that causes certain side effects until it levels out in my systemb) I’m having what a normal person would consider a full periodc) Optical and chronic migraines are happening simultaneously and they are debilitating to the point of making me bed-ridden if I don’t take my old migraine med along with this new one (which I’m not supposed to be doing)d) I’m getting a rheumatoid diagnosis and seeing a rheymatologist soon (they’re gonna probably schedule me tomorrow for a week to a month out…month at the longest) for either a lupus or fibro diagnosis, but they’re also going to check for hyperalgesia presenting in the kicked puppy/”flinching disorder” way and there are a FUCKTON of new symptoms I’m experiencing because of whatever this auto-immune disorder or rheumatoid virus (or both) is and my period actually could be happening BECAUSE of all of thise) I added a new exercise regime in when I really haven’t exercised every day and night consistently since I got diagnosed with chronic costochondritis for fear of cardiac arrest, which I fear even more now that I’m on a med that makes it to where I can’t sweat, BUT….exercise is good for joint/muscle disease/virus/pain/etc etc etc…f) I’m under a LOT of stress and pressure regarding so many things but right now it’s primarily school…getting into a pre-med tailored general biology major and a good university to switch to a medical major and pass the MCAT and do a FUCKTON of things simultaneously in order to get into medical school (trust me, you have NO idea how many non-scholastic things you HAVE to do to even be considered an applicant at p much every med uni)… I mean, I’m enrolled in three different colleges right now and I’m taking 6 vet tech related medical classes right now and will be taking 2 general ed classes on campus 45 minutes from here to finish a different degree…so I will have two associates band a bachelors by the time I’m moving on to my doctorate (coz med majors don’t get their masters, we just move from bachelors to doctorate for some reason)g) FAFSA is another time constraint stress that is KILLING ME and scholarships and such….h) Getting into the “back to work” program with disability, trying to find a job, trying to find internships, keeping up with seminars, paperwork stacked a mile high that is all deadline, deadline, DEADLINE…I’m going to a bazillion, million doctors who are all 3+ hours away and a lot of them are turning me away at the end of the visit because they “just don’t know what to do” and “this is above [my] pay-grade” so specialists refer me to other specialists who just refer me RIGHT BACK to those other specialists and then it’s an argument on whose specialty it is because the symptoms are literally from head to foot in me and no one knows what the fuck to do to help until I see a rheumatologist so it’s MORE THAN STRESSFUL driving 6+ hours almost every day of the week to go through extensive medical exams and testing only to be told they can’t help me/don’t know what to do/recommend…….and refer me someplace else….. and also all the hospital visits I’m ending up having to endure… alone… because my roommates are an “every man for themselves” type of roommate situation….i) Being put on a new medication I’ve never tried before, Lyrica, and playing around with the dosage myself and pushing it up to 600mg a day sometimes when I’m prescribed 200mg a day (100/100 day/night) and the max legal dose for my issues is 300mg/day…not to mention I’m not being consistent with it at all…and I was supposed to titrate up from 25mg to 75mg because it can affect my psych issues the first month but I just started on 200mg per day anyways coz I’m an idiot and have a self-medication problem (hence why tons of psychs have discharged me…rightfully so)j) moving in general and getting adjusted to new roommates and a new state and a new city and a new environment in general….k) getting used to a new style of support that I WANT AND NEED OVERALL but can’t handle and don’t need specifically right now when I’m just now getting diagnosed and transitioning through all these things…L) my HRT doc finally cleared me for T after working with her and the HRT board with PPH because it was dangerous with my psych issues….and then all of a sudden all of these physical issues popped up, forcing me not only to change my entire moving plans, living plans, schooling plans, autonomy timeline, Echo timeline, screwed with my financial stability I had going on MAJORLY, a TON of other things….and then ONCE AGAIN…barred me from being eligible for HRT because it isn’t safe anymore and until I get a full, complete workup and diagnosis, as well as find out what medications I’m going to be on and the dosage and they level out in my system and we all see how they’re going to affect me…….HRT is not an option….so I have to wait EVEN LONGER….to transition….M) relations with my parents became more strained than ever lately which is odd because normally being away and being unable to be physically abused makes things better and healthier between us…but suddenly, I’VE become the abusive one…. I’m fucking lashing out at my mother every chance I get and that’s normal for chronic illness diagnosis and stuff but blacking out due to anger is not… and idk where the anger black outs are coming from…and there are other black outs…N) Shit going on with my grandparents that SHOULDN’T be going on as well as with my father that SHOULDNT be going on and only people who truly know my father and me and what has gone on between us and who he really is can comment on this (which those people I can count on one hand), but I hope to god he dies before I can get to him…Jesus fucking christO) ……I can’t go on with specifics anymore, I’m bad with list but SUFFICE IT TO SAY…..

I HAVE A FUCKTON OF STUFF GOING ON SIMULTANEOUSLY AND I’M DOING ABOVE A NEUROTYPICAL LEVEL OF ADULTING EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like….WAY above. Above an able-bodied level of adulting, too! Above a neurotypical, able-bodied person’s adulting workload every day…. Which is scary.

I’m mentioning all that because all of that is apparently stress related. Apparently if there is enough stress in your body, it can release certain hormones. And those hormones, if powerful enough…like…if the stress is powerful enough…can cause a period in people. For people who aren’t on BC, it can cause them to have it at irregular times (ie; having it right after having finally stopped it… having it twice in one month…having it once in 3 months….etc etc etc).

That list is the major things I can think of off the very top of my head that are going on with me at this very moment… It is POSSIBLE that all of that is the cause of me having a normal person’s flow and all associated symptom’s at a normal person’s level.

WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY NORMAL PERSON: I mean… A normal flow as in… +NOT going through over one of the biggest maxi pads available every half hour/using a singular biggest maxi pad available maybe every 6-8 hours, +NOT being bed-ridden due to cramps/being able to stand up and walk and walk up and down stairs on my own when I have cramps and be out and about if I NEED to and stand the duration of a shower with cramps, being able to eat if I need to, +having zofran or phenergen work when nauseated, +having actual acne that I clawed to shreds with my nails so it’s very noticeable (I’ve had acne less than 10 times in my entire life so it’s a little distressing to see it on my face coz idk how to deal with it, but I had to claw at it until the convex forms turned concave and started gushing blood…so now it looks like two, big, perfectly round, bright red, blood-coloured spots on my face that I claw open every morning till they bleed and claw at during the day and smother in neosporin during the night), +the clotting is about half the size of my fits and comes out only when I pee/sit on the toilet (normally, the clots are the size of my fits or bigger, which is why a D&C surgery is necessary if it were happening again, but my hands are very small…VERY small…probably smaller than President Tiny Hands…so half the size is not that bad),+Bloating/water retention to where my pants/shirts don’t even fit but my weight hasn’t gone up…but, man, it hurts my soul and my mind so badly that it makes me want to hurt myself for self loathing purposes which I haven’t wanted to do in a long time and kill myself for being obese and hideous despite the fact I know this is temporary.+Mild headaches/NOT MIGRAINES OR HEADACHES THAT HAVE ANY SORT OR LIGHT OR SOUND SENSITIVITY,+NORMAL mood swings that are not akin to BPD or bipolar disorder at all and aren’t bad enough to cause any fights, either with others or with myself,+NO Suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation…No instantaneous suicide attempts…no insatiable self harm urges,+This may be specific to me, but cravings for weird things like the feel of blood or the smell of the ocean,+Either an entire lack of appetite or a voracious appetite+Putting off adult responsibilities with a NORMAL amount of guilty conscious applied to it and not a “Jesus fucking christ, you’re absolutely useless, ON TOP of being obese and ugly, you really DO need to kill yourself RIGHT NOW because look at all the things you need to do and you’re not, you lazy piece of shit child” but more of a “You’re being lazy lol, but it’s okay…tomorrow is a new day. Fuck it. Fuck being an adult. I am NOT adulting today!”+INTENSE craving for chocolate…ALL the time… Like, not cheap chocolate, either. Like… mandarin orange infused godiva chocolate… All day, every day. Fuck.+Breasts swelling to almost a whole new cup size. Been having a hard time using the normal sized chest binder I use because my breasts swelled or retained water/milk/whatever so much. I don’t think they hit C’s, but my smaller B-cup bras which is what I normally wear to bed didn’t fit. Regular sized B-cups are normally WAY too loose on me to wear to bed and my girls will slip out during the night so I always have to find the tight, little girls training B-cups instead of, like…the ladies. I can fit into an A, but it’s just slightly too tight and a little too uncomfortable, unfortunately. I was an A my whole life until I got on antipsychotics. Hopefully T will bring them down to the smallest A possible and I can go down in my binder size.+Heightened sensitivity to pain and heat

Here’s a lack of symptoms I have entirely despite the fact I have my period that normally accompany MY period which also make this a “normal” person’s period:+No homicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No suicidal thoughts/desires/actions (thoughts past the normal)!+No impulse spending to the point of spending the entirety of your money.+No sudden development of bipolar disorder but only for the duration of your period (a psych has confirmed this with me and gone over it with me and why I am bipolar on my period and not BPD and how this can be and how it is similar to a drug induced mental disorder, ie; drug induced schizophrenia, so I’m not just like…pulling this out of the blue, I swear lololol)+An ability to remain calm and level headed during arguments or fights if there even are any and turn things into a debate or a joke/satirical conversation instead of an argument like I normally do+No sudden surge of a loss of interest in things I love (which was hard to do to begin with since I lost everything I loved to depression over the years so this feeling of losing my passions during my periods was very soul crushing)+No getting triggered by noise, like… Being mentally overloaded by noise everywhere. I know there’s a word for this and it’s normally associated with autistic people but I’m blanking coz I’m not autistic and I don’t usually experience this and a cacophony of noise actually soothes me usually, tbh…lol.+No being overly sensitive to other people’s words and actions and no reading into and over-analyzing everything everyone says and does+No extreme panic attacks that are actually mental based and not physically based (I have panic disorder, which means I don’t get any sort of mental symptoms with my panic attacks because panic disorder does not have any association with anxiety or anxiety attacks or panic attacks that are caused by mental stuff… so my panic attacks are always purely physical…during my period, they can be started mentally…which is impossible for me otherwise)+No odd fears popping up that I overcame a long time ago (ie; phone phobia making me have a panic attack if someone calls me and making me unable to answer the phone or call anyone I need to, balloon phobia, needle phobia…actually, you know, I’m still not quite over balloons yet…I thought I overcame it about like…4 or 5 years ago but then my coworkers tied balloons to my car doors as a prank and I had a panic attack and broke down crying and had to have one of them come cut them off for me lolololol…so idk about that one, but you get my examples, right?)+No losing the conscience I have built up over the years and maintained so that I can force myself to stay away from being abusive and neglectful to people I love (ie; gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, pressure, charm, using my unique charisma for evil, threats, homicidal actions, conditioning, etc etc etc…) which comes with being BPD since I cannot feel empathy or sympathy and cannot “put myself in someone else’s shoes” due to ANOTHER disorder so I have made my own conscience and I lose it during my period because it’s made up and I have to be very self aware to keep it in place coz I don’t have a conscience naturally like most people do.+No hallucinations, auditory and/or visual+No catatonic moments+No psychosis, temporary/intermittent or permanent enough to need intervention+No purposefully making a dramatic scene in public in order to elicit a response from professionals and the crowd around me to come try to take me away to a ward so I can fight them+No lying without even realizing I’m doing it or meaning to about REALLY weird things to get attention (The things I lie about without realizing I’m doing it until after I’ve already done it while I’m on my period are INSANE!!!! It can range from something as innocent and benign as like… lying about the weather to a long distance friend…”Yeah, it’s raining outside. So nice.” When it’s fucking sunny as hell and making me miserable??? To something as big and severe as “I have a gun pointed at my head right now. I’m ready to do it. I have nothing left to lose.” Bitch, I can count the number of times I’ve held a gun to my head on one hand and it’s a VERY low number because it’s always been my dad’s gun and I’ve only been honest about holding a gun to my head to like… my ex girlfriend and one of my friends. That’s it. Yet, I have said this line so many times on my period without even realizing it until after I’ve said it and when it’s already been said it’s kind of a *shrug* “Welp…oh well…I guess…Too late to correct it…” sorta thing…So I go with it and just put on a whole act and it feels totally normal when I’m on my period??? My period turns me into a really fucking crazy, manipulative, evil little boy…)+Trying to steal the spotlight from others irl to get attention on me (ie; I can’t think of a real example, so I’m making up one: A coworker blacks out during a shift so they have to call 911…when the paramedics arrive, I go start unloading boxes, using one of those retractable blade thingies to open the boxes, while everyone is watching our pale, actually in distress coworker be loaded onto a gurney… I would go as far as to literally stab myself or slice a VERY deep wound in my hand or even chop the front part pad of a finger off (which I really have done before) just so I can scream (for real coz it hurts and it makes me yelp in surprise) so that everyone will turn their attention onto me and one of the paramedics will grab me and take me with them in the ambulance and I will go to the hospital with them and get all the “Omg are you okay? What happened? Did [x] really happen? Were you really in the hospital? Omg blah blah blah ATTENTION blah blah” as soon as I get back and it will rip ALL the attention away from the coworker who actually deserved it and actually needed…that’s not an actual example, I made that up, but I would not be surprised in the least if I did something like that while on my period if I were working rn and this happened)+Impulse stealing from corporate stores just for the adrenaline rush and to shove it to “the man”+Majority of my life, it was Cry and sob and cry and sob and writhe and pull my hair out and claw at myself and sob with full body shakes because of how much mental pain I was in because suicidal feelings definitely overpowered homicidal, but now and before my original nexplanon was put in 4 years ago…like…the very very very last period I had…Going out and looking for a fight with strangers…a physical fight…that I damn well know I will lose coz I’m a 5′2″ obese boy with absolutely NO muscle… SIMPLY TO GET MY ASS BEAT AND FEEL THOSE ENDORPHINS RUSH AND FEEL THE ADRENALINE PUMP AND THEN DIE OUT (similar to cutting)… Or just go to a bar and get in the most gruesome bar fight ever… Or find a human-like substance… and stab it over and over with a knife and beat it in with brass knuckles… Threaten people with knives… Etc etc etc …. Basically a bunch of homicidal stuff that I experienced the first two days of my period but now it’s gone coz the homicidal definitely overpowers the suicidal now+Such extreme apathy AND lethargy that I could lose whatever job I have at the time, go from a solid 4.0 to failing all my classes, and lose placement and lose progress in absolutely EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I’m attending/working towards/doing/etc+The extreme apathy and lethargy bleeds into self care, too. No showering, no brushing your teeth, no washing your hands, etc etc etc…

I can’t think of anything else, but there’s probably more…Idk. But Anyways…EVERYTHING ABOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MASKED MY NEXPLANON COMPLETELY!

What I am CURRENTLY experiencing…is the first list. The one prior to the one right above this one. Normal bleeding/clotting and a normal level of psychological and other physical symptoms.

However…this has never happened to me before…

During my first three years with my first nexplanon, it took less than the first month for ALL of my symptoms to go away and I didn’t even spot the first month. That’s kinda what it was like up until JUST NOW with the nexplanon. No spotting or associated symptoms or ANYTHING until….literally just a few days ago…Maybe even a week ago now. The bleeding has slowed to the point where I don’t need anything other than a thin pad now. The cramping has slowed to where I don’t need a heating pad all the time. The mood swings are gone… I’ll admit, the first two days I got my period, I wanted to kill myself so badly and I most certainly did self harm. I slit the fuck outta my wrists and was SO CLOSE to going for the 20-minute-kill-zone. But I didn’t. Thank GOD I didn’t do it…Also, the first two days were abnormal for me in the fact that I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. NONSTOP. I was SO HUNGRY. Normally my period makes me so nauseated and makes me want to stay away from food so adamantly that I can’t even force myself to eat to stay alive so, like I said, I usually end up on IV nutrients in the hospital during the second week… My hunger returned to normal level on the third day and then has gone to the forcing myself to eat to stay alive bit now because I’m never hungry and I’m looking at food either makes me feel full or nauseated. Smelling food definitely makes me feel nauseated unless it’s chocolate. Lmaoooo! I am prescribed both phenergen and zofran for different reasons, though, so I just pop some zofran and it normally takes care of it to where I can force myself to eat something to stay alive or to not have a hypoglycemic attack. Coz now if I don’t eat something (even if it’s just a fucking spoonful of peanut butter or a cup of orange juice or a bar of chocolate—listing those 3 things coz they’re the top three best things to bring someone out of hypoglycemic shock) within 24 hours, I will notice my blood sugar bottom out and I will go into hypoglycemic shock and if I don’t immediately take care of it, I need to be hospitalized. Which is why I ALWAYS have chocolate on hand and ALWAYS have orange juice in the house. Don’t always have peanut butter on hand…but I should. I also have chronically low blood pressure and for some reason that affects my blood sugar and how easily it can crash and such? I’m not quit sure how (med student here and I have no idea the physiology of this stuff lol….wow) but I have to pay SUPER SPECIAL ATTENTION to BOTH of those things (blood sugar and blood pressure) during my period…because if my BP bottoms out and I don’t get help, I go into a coma. God forbid it fucking happens while I’m sleeping which…since I take metropolol (migraine med which drops my BP coz it’s a BP med) before bed and go to sleep with ambien which lowers my BP double (ambien and sleeping lowers your BP) AND IF I’M ON MY PERIOD ON TOP OF THAT….my BP will just plummet…and if I’m sleeping, there’s no chance at getting help or found or anything… I’ll just go straight to a coma. Same with hypoglycemia. Which is why I make sure ESPECIALLY ON MY PERIOD to eat something chocolate or peanut butter or both…and drink a bit of orange juice before bed…just in case. Coz being in hypoglycemic shock is scary af…the few times I have been…being TOTALLY helpless like that…totally disoriented… totally at the mercy of whomever finds you…feeling yourself slipping away…. unable to call or move for help…that’s TERRIFYING. Lemme tell you…and MY PERIOD CAN MAKE THAT 20x WORSE. JFC.

So….

Tl;Dr: Yes, I’m bleeding this month… 3 months after getting it put in. I’m having what would be considered a “normal person’s” period with a “normal person’s” symptoms…nothing I’ve ever experienced myself with my own period. So this is a fucking miracle period, but it still sucks and is still terrifying.I chose Nexplanon because no other BC (other than I’ve heard Depo does this for some people?) not only stops the bleeding/clotting COMPLETELY, but also stops ALL associated symptoms, both physical and mental/emotional/psychological. Which…almost ALL (I can’t stress ALL enough; there’s barely any that ARE NOT) symptoms associated with a period have the potential to be fatal to me, including the mental/emotional/psychological ones. So a BC that stopped them all entirely is what I needed since my parents wouldn’t consent to taking my uterus out via surgery which is what doctors recommended over and over and over again and when I became an adult, it was too costly and is STILL too costly. So Nexplanon + the T I’m going to be getting on are a beautiful combination for stopping EVERYTHING.Apparently, it is NORMAL to have a period the first few months on Nexplanon, albeit I did not experience this with my first nexplanon and only experienced true spotting ONCE with my first nexplanon the first 3+ years I had it in when my hormonal alpha female ex-gf got her fullblown period and I was living with her and her husband and sleeping in the same bed as her. I only got spotting. No associated symptoms, physical or psychological.This time around, I am having what would be considered a normal period for a neurotypical person with no uterine problems or vaginal problems or bleeding disorders (I have vaginismus, too, so that factors in somewhere).The bleeding seems to have stopped entirely today, making it last around maybe 5-6 days, which I think is the “normal” time for a “normal” person.

Most associated symptoms have left. The ones that remain are: Bloating, Breast swelling, Aching/Sore body (but that could be associated with the lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia diagnoses going on with me because the joints are the worst with sore-ness and aching),Mild, spontaneous headaches,Extreme heat sensitivity,Acne (but that could be because I literally clawed both spots open with my nails until they started gushing blood and now I keep clawing them open every morning and all the time throughout the day….so I mean..??? I’ve never dealt with acne. Idk how to deal with it. I’m just putting neosporin on at night.)

I am expecting these things to go away… The headaches, aching/soreness, and heat sensitivity could be associated with other illnesses going on with me that I’ve never dealt with before and don’t know what to expect. But I know damn well the bloating and breast swelling is from this…and I know the acne is from this, as that was confirmed by a doctor (coz I was scared about it being from something else) but I think it just hasn’t gone away because I keep clawing at it and making it bleed. If they don’t go away in a week, I’m gonna let my gyno know and see what she can do/recommends.

The first two days of this were ALMOST as rough, psychologically, as my normal period and the cramps and clotting put me in the hospital and warranted a high dosage morphine shot, 800mg of ibuprofen (and a script for it) and a hydro (and a script for it).

The ONLY thing I’m worried about recurring other than the cramps and clotting and psychological symptoms is that… I don’t know if the physical black outs are related to my period or if they are related to my auto-immune disorder (lupus/fibro/hyperalgesia) because when I first got diagnosed with a joint-related virus, where they took x-rays that showed a virus of some sort was physically eating away my joints…I was literally blacking out for a couple seconds every 5-15 minutes. That was about a month ago. Now I have almost a full solid diagnosis, but I’ve thrown two new medications into the mix (Lyrica, which I’ve never been on before, and Topamax, which this is my 6th or 7th time being on) and a lot of new things/stressors/lifestyle changes in general… but the other day. ..maybe 3 days ago now? 2? It happened again. Blacking out for very short amounts of time…approximately 10 seconds every 5-15 minutes…but towards the end of the day, I blacked out so badly that I was out for a solid 20 minutes, give or take, and since I blacked out in the kitchen, my head either hit the tile floor or a counter when I went down and since I have a bleeding disorder AND it was head wound, even though it was barely even a surface scratch at all (it’s practically healed now, 2-3 days later), it bled badly enough in those 20 minutes or so that when my roommates came home and found me blacked out in the kitchen, there was a small pool of blood around my forehead. One of them was panicking and had me in his arms and was shouting LEON! LEON! WAKE UP! LEON! OMG ARE YOU OKAY!? WHAT HAPPENED!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!? LEON!!! Meanwhile, he turns to his boyfriend while I’m slowly coming to as he’s shaking me and shouting one of my many nickname’s at me…and he tells his bf to call 911…which is when I snapped out of it (sort of) and used a Scully catchphrase and pushed myself off of my friend and held up an accusatory finger to his boyfriend and was like …quoting that artwork of Scully in the jacket that I love, saying in a very slurred voice “Stand aside! I’m a medical doctor!” Which…lmao. I started giggling. They didn’t get the reference coz they’re not Philes… But I managed to make them understand to please not call 911… That was the last time I blacked out that day…but it was for a solid 20 minutes and I had been blacking out and throwing up all day that day…experiencing both chronic AND optical migraines simultaneously… the clots were bigger than ever and I could feel the flesh being ripped from my uterine wall and slowly oozing out of my vagina. It was the worst feeling. They were almost as big as my fist at this point. And I was so lightheaded and experiencing so much vertigo…but I have been experiencing constant vertigo and lightheadedness since this virus hit me and since we started researching into it and looking into lupus and such.

SO I DO NOT KNOW IF THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED AT ALL WITH THE PERIOD….OR IF THE PERIOD IS ASSOCIATED WITH THE LUPUS AND SUCH WHICH IS WHAT THE BLACKING OUT IS ASSOCIATED WITH…OR IF BLACKING OUT IS JUST SEPARATE….

And Idk if this period is a one time thing…or if I’m going to get it again…because, although it is nice to experience a “normal person” version of a period, it’s STILL HELL ON EARTH. It’s nice to know my life is not in danger from a normal body function…it’s still awful and my life is in danger via my psyche and how it affects me psychologically very close to the same as my normal period the first day or two days… Idk if I can overcome it and JUST hurt myself the next time I have it.

But it seems to have…stopped…now? Today?

If it happens again next month at the same level, I’m going in to my gyno to talk about other options or to see if there’s a way to get medicaid or the state to pay to get my uterus surgically removed. The state would have paid when I was 13…sigh. Idk if they will now…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To answer your question simply? Nexplanon is supposed to stop your period and ALL associated symptoms COMPLETELY. However, as you know, every person is different and everyone will react differently. I was bleeding and did get a “normal” level period for about 5-6 days that is not entirely gone, but the bleeding has stopped now. This did not happen the first 3+ years I had my first Nexplanon. But this could be attributed to a fuckton of things going on with me (that I explained above for this reason exactly), personally, and may not have anything to do with the Nexplanon itself.

I hope that answers everything….Coz I put some thorough af work into all of that. Lmao. But if you (or anyone) needs clarification on anything or has any other questions, Nexplanon is kinda one of my maxed out skill trees that I know a whole bunch about, having had it for over 4 years already and am on my second one now. Lol. Feel free to shoot me an ask!

[edmdma.tumblr.com/ask]

Gonna attempt to tag for triggers coz this was sorta graphic if you’re not really into medical things. Tell if you’d like these kinda posts tagged with something specific.

#personal #nexplanon #nexplanon implant #implant #birth control #bc #b c #birth #control #birthcontrol #nexplanonimplant #progesterone

0 notes

adventurouskiwi · 4 years

Text

Norway

Every time I talk to someone about my time in Norway I get emotional. It's such an indescribable feeling to be on this current high. I have so much gratitude. I can't write about this without being filled with so many overwhelming emotions. This year has been a roller coaster but I wouldn't trade any moment for anything. I have gone from complete isolation and a dream job in the hills of Vinstra only surrounded by animals, to my first van trip which ended up being a lot tougher than I imagined. On new years I watched the fireworks from a rooftop in Oslo with a bunch of deep strangers. I spent some hard weeks looking for a job in Oslo and battling through one of my lowest mental points. Then I traveled North to start an awesome new job and met more great people and animals. I got to show my parents this country with all the pride a person can feel and now I face some very hard goodbyes which just cement how much of my heart this country has. I feel so damn lucky right now, I have just had the craziest year and am ending on an incredible high. I'm unsure how things got this good for me, it all feels very dreamlike. Extremely sad to be leaving this beautiful place but my heart is as full as can be. I am sitting here writing this at 11:30 pm with the most beautiful pink mountains out my window and a sky that never goes dark. I just can't believe this is my life; this has been my life, this is what I made it. This one might be a bit of a read but I want to get everything on the page so I never forget it. So I remember in hard times to come, how bloody special life is.

Norway. The place of grass roofed wooden houses, of picturesque fjords and vast valleys. Where people are quiet but friendly and hard to meet. The place of overpriced chocolate but pancakes for dinner. Where getting drunk takes on a new meaning and everyone stays living where they were born. The place where Winter is as real as it gets with snow stories thick. Where you learn that anything below negative 10 degrees is just fucking cold and frozen hay bales become your worst nightmare. Where the sun controls how you feel, keeping you awake in the summer and something you yearn for in the winter. It's untouched beauty, small cities and summer cabins in the middle of nowhere. Where everyone has a good quality of life and don't quite realize how lucky they are. Where farms have 20 cows, each with a name and farm dogs that sleep on your bed. The place you need winter tires to drive on roads encased by 3 meter tall snow walls. Where reindeer are feral and farm animals roam free in the summer. Land that comes with surprises at every turn and a hike into the mountains is as accessible as walking out your front door. A country you feel safe enough in to leave your car running while you do your grocery shop and where you don't think twice about spending the night alone in the mountains. There are so many amazing qualities of this country and I am so glad I have been immersed in it for the last 12 months. It would be fucking hard to find a place to beat this.

In the summer I would drive the tractor to the very end of a gravel road in the middle of the mountains where my little log cabin with a fire heated spa on the deck awaited. Surrounded by only mountains and animals and experiencing the most happiness I've ever known. Being able to step outside and venture into the mountains almost daily made me think I had found one of the most perfect spots in the world. My dogs would come everywhere with me, whether it was to the grocery store or on a 3 hour road trip to one of our many hikes. Road trips that always filled me with awe as the most breathtaking scenes were found literally around every bend. Then painting murals in the animal shed as I consumed far too many energy drinks and wondering how the fuck I was being paid to do something I loved so much. When winter came so did darkness but with more beauty then I can describe. A van trip that pushed me more than ever before, one that brought new lessons as I climbed new peaks. The emotions of witnessing the aurora which is by far the most magical thing I've ever witnessed. Countless nights staying awake as my fingers went numb, waiting to see if the sky would come alive. Moving North to old cute stables where I would greet 20 horses in the morning and put them out in the snow. Where you could chuck some snow shoes on and walk into the mountains to find a lake, ready to drill a hole in and go ice fishing. Where bonfires with burnt sausages became a common activity and at night I'd walk outside to watch a dancing sky as my fingers went numb. Meeting travelers from around the world to trade stories with and if they were brave enough, to get in the arctic waters with. Riding beautiful warmbloods in the snow and chatting to friendly horse owners as we watched the most picturesque sunsets. Going running beside the water in such cold temps that my body would be numb, giving me the ability to run further than I'd expect. Waking up to scenes that some people don't even know exist, unsure of how I'd become this lucky.

My little mate Tussi, she deserves her own paragraph. Fuck, she deserves her own book. That dog has been an overwhelmingly precious part of Norway. I can't begin to think of what this year would have looked like without her. She has been there in my hardest times and she has joined me for almost every peak, usually just the two of us, stunned every time by what our eyes were seeing. We became inseparable from the beginning and there was no where I would go without her. I didn't know a dog could become so much of me but she has really been more than I can explain. I hope that I remember every quirky thing about her (and her little tongue). How much she made me laugh, how she stuck by my side wherever we went. She came fishing with me, hiking, camping, skiing and gave me cold night van snuggles when my mood was low. That dog touches every one she meets. Always so excited to get in my car and was so gentle when meeting new people but explosive when she knew you. The biggest attention seeker ever but full of an unmatched amount of love. So many of my moments were shared with her and made better by her being there. I got so incredibly lucky to find myself on a farm with such a precious dog that very quickly became the best shadow. I'm so grateful I will get to spend my last few days with her and although leaving her is fucking hard, she is in a home full of so much love and a place I know will always be my home too. I only wish she knew what she has done and meant for me over the last year.

When I hopped on that plane 1 year ago I had little expectations and just a big yearning for adventure. Well that was the best decision I could have made because fuck it's been a good ride. I have experienced 4 crazy seasons, been left speechless by the northern lights, unable to sleep by the midnight sun, ridden in snow, skied and camped on beautiful mountains, surfed in the arctic waters, fallen in love with every animal I've met, gone on so many road trips, painted numerous murals and just lived. This is it, this is life and it's fucking incredible. I feel like this year has it's own little place in my heart. I cant believe the amount of pinch me moments I have experienced. To wake up almost every day with an unbelievable view no matter where I am. To feel so happy in these vast mountains but to learn my limit of time alone. I've pushed myself in new ways and now have a whole new relationship with my brain. I mean, I'm a couple of glasses of wine deep and reminiscing the shit out of the last 12 months right now but I couldn't be happier or thinking more positively. To leave a place when I'm at my highest point just leaves me so grateful to be alive, so grateful to be able to do the things that I've done, to have had all these new experiences. I can't wait to go home, to see all my favourite people and to return the best version of me yet. I can't wait to create fresh dreams and to continue growing. Last time I travelled I felt like I grew but this is something completely different, now I feel like I know my place in the world, like I know who I am and I belong here. I'm fucking ready to spread every ounce of positivity I have and to see just how much more I can achieve. I have a good sense in how I want to live my life and the level of experiences I can have. Norway has opened new doors of possibilities in my brain. I want to remember this, I want to get this down in words as best I can, I want to remind myself in the future that life is what you make it and these euphoric moments exist. I want to continue being fearless when chasing any crazy dream my brain can imagine, because fuck living any other way. I want to remember it all, to pack it into a snow globe and be able to return to this exact feeling every time I shake it. Norway, the land of so much more than any words I could write.

0 notes