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#enjoy whatever this is
adharastarlight · 5 months
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Slughorn: Mr Black, your homework is a day late
Regulus: I was off ill yesterday
Slughorn: you're conviently off a lot
Regulus: correlation does not imply causation
Slughorn: Mr Blac-
Regulus: listen sir, if you want to get onto this boat you should know that there are already six people here. One of them is screaming in the back, another is passed out and half falling out, two of them are rowing backwards, one of them is desperately rowing and wishing he could stick his head into the water and drown and the other is fucking critising everything he is doing. So if you want to pursue this conversation and get on this boat, you're fucking rowing
Slughorn: ...lovely to have you back in class, Mr Black
Regulus, sacrastically: wonderful to be here
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steddieasitgoes · 1 year
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Steve Harrington as a mailman. Khaki shorts and blue collared shirt all tucked in with a leather belt. Satchel of mail slung over his shoulder. The moms of the neighborhood all wait for him to show up. Joke with him about how he’s lucky he’s cute because he only ever delivers them bills. Occasionally there’s a teen girl waiting for him, eagerly waiting for her college acceptance letter and a visit from the cutest mailman in town.
Steve’s lost track of the amount of times he’s been told he’s too pretty to be a mailman. He just laughs and shrugs. Says someone has to deliver the mail.
And the thing is, Steve loves his job. Loves driving the van and getting out to walk the streets. Loves the small talk with families and cutting deals with skeptical dogs — he keeps a box of treats in his car to win them over.
His favorite house to deliver to is a single-story Victorian house with a porch. Always tries to time his route so that he can go on his lunch break right after stopping there because 9 times out of 10 the little old lady who lives there, Ms. Turner, will invite him in for lunch. She’s the best cook in town and he doesn’t mind her company either.  
It’s a sad day when Steve learns that Ms. Turner’s kids are moving out of state and they’re taking her with her. It warms his heart that they want to be close to their elderly mom, but he can’t help but feel left behind. Ms. Turner was his friend too. 
She makes sure to give him a recipe book of all his favorite dishes and her phone number so he can call and tell her all the gossip she’s missed. 
The house takes forever to sell but when it does the new owners move in quietly. The house immediately starts getting mail delivered to an E. Munson. No one is ever home though so he slips it through the mail slot and keeps going. Until one day, when he’s got a bigger parcel to deliver. One that won’t fit in the mail slot. So he knocks on the door and waits and waits and waits until the door finally opens. 
“So, you’re the cute mailman I keep hearing all about,” the man who answers says and smiles. Steve feels his heart stop and then restart. “M’Eddie. Nice to finally meet you.” 
Steve thinks he’s going to start timing his route so he can have lunch with Eddie now. 
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hoodie-buck · 1 year
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eddie: am i a joke to you??
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Ingo shouldn't be the only option on the decision wheel.
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hazzybat · 3 months
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Thanks for coming Mr Jordan
okay so remember this idea by @cinder-rose of Nace having certain exciting dreams about Jan? well I wrote a little intro and then kinda wrote chapter 1 I guess? maybe I'll make it into more but for now have this! (casual 1000+ words lol)
this is 18+ btw as it involves porn dreams
Nace relaxed on the couch, his shirt off and warmth enveloping him. He was seeing Jan over the holidays but he couldn't remember which holidays they were. The house was large, full of impossible rooms and the largest, softest couch Nace could imagine. Then Jan was sprawled out next to him, his body warm flush against his own. His arm was loose around his neck and his lips were so close to Nace's. He felt a pang of guilt. He had a girlfriend who was.... he didn't know where she was. But Jan was so inviting and soft, his chest hair rough against his own flushed skin. Those beautiful lips whispered out "Thanks for coming Mr Jordan" before they pressed themselves to Nace's. Jan was everywhere. He was hot and perfect and he ground their hips together and Nace could think of nothing but how amazing it felt. Jan's hand snaked down his pants and right as he held his cock and began to stroke him Nace woke up. He wondered for a moment why his bed was so empty, his sheets tangled around his hips and drool on his cheek. Then his mind caught up and he groaned angrily. He was now single. His girlfriend had split with him a week ago, a mutual decision that still broke his heart. They hadn't been good for a while, drifting further and further apart until he hardly felt he knew the woman in front of him. Her side of the bed was cold. His mind replayed the dream and he groaned again. Why had it been Jan? Sure he was close to Jan but why did his sleep filled mind decide to put the man in his sex dreams? Even in his dream he’d felt guilty for kissing him. His hand trailed down his body until it found his very erect cock, precum already leaking from the tip. There was no point in wasting a perfectly good boner he mused. Maybe once he got off he could clear his head. He brought up his favourite porn, choosing to look at the amateur threesome from some time in the 90s rather than dwell on dream-Jan's perfect fingers and lips and body.
The video did the trick, the two men touching and feeling the woman before they made out with each other over her, the low quality footage allowing him to imagine their faces however he wanted and the moans a perfect mix of deep masculine need and high feminine want. He came easily and for a moment allowed himself to remember Jan's deep raspy words, "Thanks for coming Mr Jordan" It was just a dream. He needed a shower and a coffee, his mind already sweeping away the details like cobwebs. It didn't mean anything anyway. ‐--------- "Thank you for coming Mr Jordan" Jan said from the couch when Nace walked into the studio. The statement sent a pulse of pleasure straight to his dick and his brain short circuited. Did Jan know somehow? Could he read minds? Could he see the blush that was steadily covering Nace's cheeks? What the fuck was going on? Jan was sitting in one of the armchairs, his laptop open on the coffee table in front of him. He had a black tie slung around his neck and a black blazer on top with no shirt to speak of. A pair of Nace spare glasses were perched atop his nose. Looking closer it was actually one of Nace's blazers he'd stolen as well. "Nice glasses, where'd you get them?" Nace asked in at attempt at humour, something to bring a sense of normality back to this very strange day. Jan didn't answer, instead he leaned back in the chair, pulling the blazer back to show off a nipple, which he began to stroke with a lazy finger. "I'm so glad you're here Mr Jordan, I've been going through your accounts and I'm afraid the numbers are all wrong" Jan was overacting, his voice exaggerated and breathy asthe hand as his nipple began to kneed at his non existent breasts. His other hand took off the glasses and bit down on the arm of it seductively, looking at Nace with dark eyes. Nace was thoroughly confused but his cock was enjoying the terrible acting a bit too much, twitching at every breathy moan Jan gave between words. Had he actually woken up this morning? Was he still in his strange porn dream?
"I think I can fix the numbers, but only if you do me a big, long, hard favour," Jan continued, rising from the couch and sauntering over to where Nace was still frozen to the spot. This was hell, Nace had died and this was his punishment for staring a bit to long at Jan's fingers when he played. Or maybe it was heaven with the way Jan looked at him, glasses still in fingers, the end in his mouth and tongue dancing over it obscenely. Jan reached him and wrapped his arms around Nace's neck. His hand instinctively found Jan's hips. His brain finally kicked into gear when he managed to ask "what the fuck is happening?" "We got 2 minutes boys!" Jure cheered from his spot behind the door, walking into the room with his phone, using it as a stopwatch and proudly displaying the time to the others. Bojan followed close behind, handing over a note to Jure and grumbling to Kris about "why couldn't he wait another 20 seconds". Jan hadn't moved from his arms and Nace was still thoroughly confused. Jan took pity on him and explained "Bojan found the tie and your spare glasses and somehow we ended up with the idea of a bad porn intro. Sorry you ended up our leading lady but we wanted to see how long it would take you to question things." Jan was grinning along with the others as he fished around in his wallet and handed Jure a note alongside Bojan's. Kris tutted at Nace as if disappointed, also handing over a note to the drummer who was gleefully counting his winnings. Nace was bright red. They were going to be the death of him he knew it. He reluctantly dropped his hands from Jan’s waist and tried to laugh along with the others. This was going to be a very long day.
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green-socks · 3 months
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TOTD diary 1
The first thought of the day diary entry is copiloted by @enthyrea. Of course.
vampire!Rooster x Bob
Inspired by this post about the eroticism of a vampire sucking blood from your wrist.
There's something in vampire venom that basically works like an aphrodisiac, making the human really enjoy the act of letting a vampire feed from them. It's designed to fool humans into giving away more blood than is healthy, to the point of passing out and beyond. They'll feel good while dying, so there is that. But Bradley is a good little vampire whose godfathers (icemav are obviously very powerful vampires too) taught him that it's nicer (and healthier for him!) to feed often but in small doses, rather than draining a whole ass human every time. Bradley himself discovered the nice little bonus of having post-feeding sex, because not-too-dizzy humans are willing and capable of enjoying that high left by the aphrodisiac with him. Twice the fun, if you ask him.
Bob is.. different. Bradley can tell Bob isn't scared of him, which throws him off a bit. Usually even those who want to fuck him are still a little bit scared of him. Not Bob. Bradley doesn't smell any fear on him, doesn't taste any fear on him. And Bob is nice to him, which is even weirder. Was nice even before Bradley sunk to his knees and attached his lips to the man's delicate wrist.
Bob thought it would be nice to help the vampire out. He was polite about asking, and really, the guy needs sustenance doesn't he? Bob considers it a blood donation. Except, whoa, this is nothing like the blood donations he's given in the past. This doesn't feel.. clinical at all. It feels pretty darn intimate with the way Bradley looks up at him through his long lashes, his eyes blown wide as he moans at the taste of Bob, and is that Bob's own blood clinging to Bradley's mustache?
His heart is pounding, he's breathing heavily, but even more than that, he can feel his own pulse everywhere, especially between his legs where he's hard as a rock and holy crap when did that happen? He's dizzy with arousal or blood loss or both, he doesn't know, but man is he high on it. His body is all tingly. He's never experienced anything like it. Thinks he might be whining and moaning but he can't really be sure which one of them is making all that noise. Maybe both.
Bradley thinks he might never want to feed from anyone else ever again. Bob is so sweet and nice and funny and he can't get enough of the taste. (Bradley getting acquainted with Big Floyd [thanks for the name Storm] only solidifies his feelings). Bradley used to be something of a slut but now he only craves Bobby.
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mizkanutis · 1 year
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too-cool-for-facebook · 4 months
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Light, Paint, and Ink
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Sometimes I just think about what would've happen if Karnak sent everyone back
Ocean could have gone to a big name school but was actually afraid to, she went to community college with constance I don't think she would go towards something that helps people one on one but something where she can help from afar i.e that bitch is going to school to become a eco lawyer, I don't know if she would stick with it or have a crisis midway thru it and look into other fields, she has a lot of difficulty finding herself in relationships but sooner or later Constance just says they're dating and she asks zero questions. She gives the vibe of the baddie bitch who ends up with a by circumstance kid (probably some really distance relative dies and ocean not having a lot of family the kid ends up in her care)
Noel most definitely will be in uranium for a long time he'll get a bartender gig In his spare time he will write the most heartbreaking books like you read it in one sitting ugly crying it'll take years but he'll end up writing a best seller he'll be on talk shows it will be made into shows/movies/plays(he also writes super smutty raunchy toe curling novels also under a fake name), He seems like a forever kinda bitch so I think he would only ever have 1 serious relationship and a handful of hookups. Him and his hubs will probably wander around Europe for a couple years. He's very 50/50 on kids he can see why they're annoying and he can see why people have em
Mischa I'm going catfish Talia for this one. He'll fly back to Ukraine to be with her and she'll ghost him he'll never get closer he'll think something awful happend to her and even when he takes it to the police nothing will come from it, he'll go back to uranium and be roommates with Noel probably be in a slump for awhile, he's going to keep doing rap probably starts doing a bit more traditional Ukraine folk music one of which will become a TikTok sound and becomes viral, he won't end up Arianna grande famous but he will be well known He'll end up questioning his sexuality a bit he'll come to the conclusion that he's attracted to whoever he's attracted too and that's enough for him, it'll take awhile for him to start dating again he's gonna have a few handfuls of short relationships and after awhile of living with noel he would just wake up and realize one day that he's head over heels deeply in love with that man it takes awhile but after some miscommunication and hijinks they end up together. He definitely wants 5 kids minimum he's going to be THAT dad the dad that's going to dress up as a fairy princess for tea partys,learn everything about baseball (or any other sport) if his kids are interested in it, all one of his kids have to do is show big puppy dog eyes and a pout and the man will fold like a wet napkin,he'll support anything his kids put their minds too, he's also the dad throwing down in the stands his kids soccer game cus another dad was talking shit, he's afraid of very little i.e his kids...
Ricky stays in uranium he'll share a apartment with constance for a bit, this boy has been writing warrior cat fanfic since he was 10 after finishing his 2millon word fanfic he starts working as a website/product designer until a small publisher finds his warrior cat fan fic and gets in contact saying change a few things he could publish it, he thinks along time on it until Ocean forces her way onto his Google doc back up of it and starts editing it herself so she can bully him into publishing it... Which she successfully does... It ends up being like game of thrones but better. Penny and him end up together like RIGHT after they all come back from "death".. She goes to furry cons with him (he's a furry she likes how creative everyone is) they end up having a army of cats and and foster children
Constance goes to community college with Ocean. She goes into politics because she love her Small Town™ but sees ways to make it better she ends up running for mayor, she wins by a landslide because the man she's running against isn't even from there and looks down his nose a lot at all uranium natives. She always wanted one of those big (invite the entire town almost) themed weddings and all Ocean wanted was a elopement with only them they met in the middle and had a small(only immediate family and friends) theme wedding
Penny as soon as she's 18 she convinces the courts that she should have custody of Ezra. She works her ass off for him and she also goes to night school to become a mortician. She loves the nitty gritty bits of the human body the grosser the better for her She puts a lot of care into prepping the body. Her and Ricky actually don't end up living together until way into their 30s. They decide not to have a biological kids. Penny has always loved kids but the idea of pregnancy is terrifying and after her experience in foster care her and Ricky end up fostering kids of all ages and are very big on the reunification of family's if possible and work very hard with the kids and parents and social workers. They also foster cats Penny is on 4 different allergy medication and she is having a blast naming the kittens
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iustitians · 2 months
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ooc; headcanons/worldbuilding - on the Dragon Sovereign's Authority or lack thereof, and how it fucks with you
(whiny child voice) Moooom Neffi is turning a meme into a serious meta agaaain
Fontaine Archon Quest spoilers (4.2 in particular) below.
No really, this idea literally did start with a meme. Specifically, with this post that I accidentally ran into on Twitter. My first reaction was, presumably, similar to everyone else's. I laughed and was like "lmao yeah they kinda have a point". And then I started thinking. (Oh no.)
Exactly why was Neuvillette like this?
And as I thought about it more, I had a bit of an epiphany. Or maybe just a bunch of random thoughts, who knows. Anyway.
Even though Neuvillette's identity as the Hydro Dragon Sovereign is revealed to us in 4.1 and so is his negative attitude towards Celestia (he openly refers to the Heavenly Principles as the "First Usurper"), it is not until after completing Masquerade of the Guilty that his character story parts and voice lines about judging the Archons and the heavens, restoring the original order etc are unlocked. In addition, they are also generally worded in a more grandiose - and sometimes borderline hostile - tone than what is made available to us prior to 4.2. (With the exception of Neuvillette's final ascension quote, but quite frankly, it's literally a 4.2 spoiler that in my opinion should have been blocked by story progression as well. But maybe they just don't do that to ascension quotes. I dunno.)
Before we complete the 4.2 AQ, the most we get is Neuvillette mocking Venti and Zhongli for the fake Visions, which like... when you think about it, he kinda has a point lmao. The tone of his voice lines towards the Archons that unlock after completing said AQ also cannot be compared to his attitude towards Furina - whom he believes to be the Hydro Archon - throughout the Fontaine story. Yeah, he can find her exasperating at times, but there is no outright hostility, no talk of judging her someday - not to her face and not behind her back - and while he says that his Authority could be restored if the Archon were to disappear, he does not wish for it. He doesn't seem to want it to happen, and in fact seems kind of resigned to it not happening, believing the solution to be unrealistic. "I can't do much without my Authority unless the Archon were to disappear. But given the status quo, let's try to find a different way to deal with the prophecy. Anyway I need to go back to my office." Very different tone from stuff like "I shall fulfill my vow to judge all of The Seven, even if the sky should fall and the ground give way".
It's something that's been puzzling me for a little while now, and then I realized something. We can obviously go the easy route and say that, well, of course he didn't talk about doing things he did not have the power to do at the time. But I like to think that this goes deeper. So okay, bear with me for a moment.
The fact that, unlike the Archons, Neuvillette is not obligated to hand out Visions and only does so out of his own choice, and may also have actual control over who he grants a Vision to (unless we really want to insist that his first Vision being given to Furina of all people was a coincidence, which I mean... it might have been but I am not convinced), suggests that this power may actually be more native to the Dragon Sovereign Authority than anything else connected with being an Archon. This may be further supported by how the people from other nations - to our knowledge, at least - continue to receive Visions even after the Archon has handed over their Gnosis. (In addition, the people from Inazuma and Sumeru still got Visions in the 500 years during which Raiden and Kusanali did not hold their Gnoses.) After all - unlike the Gnosis, the Dragon Authority, tied to the Archon's Divine Throne, cannot be simply pawned off or stolen. So even after giving up the Gnosis, the Archons still possess the Authorities and continue to "impart shattered shards of their masteries" to humans, whether they are aware of and like it, or not.
(Plus, Neuvillette does not give half a shit about the Gnoses. He himself didn't know what they truly are until the Skirk Loredump™ and he casually handed the Hydro Gnosis over afterwards, further supporting the idea that those things are completely unrelated.)
What am I getting at here? Well, we know from the Inazuma Archon Quest what losing one's Vision does to a person. Having been deprived of what is essentially a piece of themselves, many of the victims of the Vision Hunt Decree lost their ambitions and goals in life, sometimes also some critical memories, could undergo a change in personality, and obviously no longer possessed the power that a Vision grants.
Which should sound a little familiar right now.
If this is what losing a Vision does, and if the theory that Visions are connected to Dragon Authorities is correct (which I will not call my theory by the way, I am not the first person to think this), then what if losing the Dragon Authority does the same to its original owner?
Thinking about it this way, that would explain a lot about the way Neuvillette was prior to regaining his Authority. His ambition and goal were either deeply concealed, or just simply missing, never once mentioned. His memories were very incomplete, to the point where he didn't even remember his connection to the Primordial Sea - which, if we want to believe the Vishap legend, he is the literal heart of, and even if we don't, said connection is still extremely close. His personality - as the Hydro Sovereign, rather than the Iudex - was certainly different, or rather it is, again, more appropriate to say that certain traits were missing. And, obviously, his power was very fragmented, as demonstrated by the way he struggled against the Primordial Seawater breaking free in the Fortress of Meropide.
This is also something that makes sense to do from Celestia's point of view. It's not impossible that they knew from the start that, even if the Sovereigns are killed, they can and will eventually be reborn, so they cannot be entirely removed as a potential danger that way. However, by stripping them of their power and ambition, Heavenly Principles not only had an additional tool to establish their own system and, in Neuvillette's words, "subdue and control the resentments and loathing of the world" - but also could neutralize the threat that the Sovereigns pose by depriving them of both the will and the means to stand against the heavens.
Without their Authorities, the Sovereigns are akin to humans who had lost their Visions. They are quite literally incomplete, and able to do little more than watch and wait while they hold on to their grudges and hatred (see also: Apep) or accept the ongoing status quo the way Neuvillette did. But give it back to one of them and they instantly begin to threaten to Fucking Get Celestia One Day - and the main reason why Neuvillette is not getting on that immediately, as he himself says, is because he sees watching over Fontaine as a duty (and in a way, a gift) granted and entrusted to him and wants to fulfill it first, so he will presumably remain in Fontaine for as long as it needs him. Because let's face it, if he were to leave right now, the country is screwed. He's not only the chief administrator, governor and judge, but also Fontaine's battery.
So, yeah. I don't really have a particularly meaningful and graceful way to close off my ramblings. Who knows, perhaps next update or next nation releases new information that either proves me right or completely and utterly wrong. Again, this post started with a meme. But still, this was a connection that I drew and found both interesting and potentially plausible, and so I decided to throw some words together to sort out my thoughts in a somewhat coherent way.
If you somehow read this to the end, I salute you.
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leveragedlibrarians · 3 months
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Me, crying because although I have many people who love me I have no one irl I can share my interests and passions with because every time I talk about the things I love they get obviously or verbally annoyed and tell me they're sick of me talking about it so much even though I listen to theirs and I just have so so so many thoughts and theories and opinions and facts and they make me so happy but I have no one to share them with without alienating me further from the people I love and I would give anything for someone who would just be happy to listen: wait did I take my antidepressants today?
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i-restuff · 2 years
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he's rapping
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localvoidcat · 2 years
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fuck you. marketable plushies your mark lives au
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unhinged twitter memes continue
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forecast-rain · 2 years
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(Claire oopsie moment au)
Noel thumbed the pages of Claire's diary. It's been how many years since she's disapeared? 4? 8? more? less?
Everything was blurring together and he could barely tell apart what day it was most of the time. It was usually better when Sirius was home but he's currently out getting supplies from town. Noel usually looks over the mansion in his abscence but he couldn't stay in there any longer.
He flipped to the next page of the diary, findong a drawing of himself and Claire.
Of course, he'd still been stuck in his father's obsession back then and called himself Patricia. He regretted that he never managed to introduce himself as... himself to her.
He sighed, putting the diary aside for now and looked at the river. It was a brilliant blue, the sound of rushing water filling his ears. It was where he and Claire first met. He sighed. He still hasn't moved on, huh?
Sirius had given up hope by now but Noel still- he wants to believe she's still somewhere. Still alive. He has to know what happened. Or else he-
He shook his head and laid down in the soft grass, falling asleep before he realized what's happening.
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shekorla · 2 years
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Kass the bard off on an adventure.
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